TDS Time Machine | It's Classified

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 3 Let's begin with explosive news!

Speaker 5 Secrets are out about the war in Afghanistan.

Speaker 7 Not just a leak, but a flood of secret documents.

Speaker 8 92,000 documents.

Speaker 9 It's the biggest leak in U.S. military history.

Speaker 2 Really? 92,000 pages.

Speaker 2 I would hope that would be the biggest leak.

Speaker 10 Seeing as that beats the Pentagon papers by, I don't know, 85,000 pages.

Speaker 12 Perhaps this might be an appropriate time to let leakers of military documents know it's not a competition.

Speaker 4 So some

Speaker 14 top secret.

Speaker 15 We just came from an off-camera session with Colonel Dave LePan, a Pentagon spokesman. He says it looks to be secret in nature, not top secret.

Speaker 17 No, it's just secret.

Speaker 17 I was worried.

Speaker 3 I thought it was top secret.

Speaker 17 It's just secret.

Speaker 12 That is a much lower security classification.

Speaker 3 Top secret.

Speaker 10 It actually goes Army classification-wise. Secret, then top secret, and then of course, I believe top secret.

Speaker 10 That is where all of our military information is encoded in fluffy and delicious butter-coated kernels.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 10 So pernicious.

Speaker 11 An intelligence breach of this magnitude must have been coordinated by a conspiracy of high-level masterminds with ninja-like powers of concealment.

Speaker 20 Last May, a California computer hacker was contacted online by someone calling himself Bradass87.

Speaker 20 He said he was an Army intelligence analyst deployed to Baghdad who had access to classified networks that showed incredible things, awful things that belong in the public domain.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm going to stop you right there.

Speaker 2 Bradass 87, really?

Speaker 2 The incredible Super Mole spy went by the name Bradass 87

Speaker 10 and told the computer hacker that he was in Army intelligence.

Speaker 21 Let me take a whack at trying to solve this.

Speaker 10 Maybe I've been watching bones too much, but computer. Search through the files looking for an Army specialist named Brad

Speaker 12 who's 87 years old.

Speaker 17 No wait!

Speaker 19 Born in 1987

Speaker 4 and go.

Speaker 20 On May 26th, Army specialist Brad Manning, born in 1987, was arrested outside of Baghdad and is now in a military prison.

Speaker 17 How did they find him?

Speaker 4 How did they do it?

Speaker 4 Well in Sherlock Holmes.

Speaker 2 By the way, Brad, you also might want to delete your Army specialist.bradmanning Manning backslash leak guy at itwasme.bradmanning.

Speaker 2 Does Bradass87 have any idea what he's done to the American military? Not to mention what he's done to the life of Dubbed Soap heir Bradford Assington the 87th.

Speaker 2 Hasn't he suffered enough?

Speaker 3 For Christ's sake, the 87th generation of Assingtons.

Speaker 19 All the money in the world can't change that last name.

Speaker 23 That's why he's a douchebag.

Speaker 10 Is that, I'm just curious, is that a stock photo?

Speaker 4 I'm hoping.

Speaker 11 Guys here are going, I thought that was a modeling job.

Speaker 4 Look,

Speaker 2 maybe Manning didn't need a secret name.

Speaker 25 Maybe his data collection skills were that stealth.

Speaker 16 He allegedly also described how he downloaded the classified information.

Speaker 16 I would come in with music on a CD labeled with something like Lady Gaga and erase the music, recording intelligence onto the CD instead, allegedly writing that he lip-synced to Lady Gaga while exfiltrating possibly the largest data spillage in American history.

Speaker 11 I believe the obvious question here is:

Speaker 10 how does a soldier sit around lip-syncing to Lady Gaga

Speaker 4 all day

Speaker 2 and not run afoul of don't ask, don't tell?

Speaker 3 That has got to be a substitute for telling, no?

Speaker 27 So Wikileaks.org has posted 92,000 classified documents about the Afghan war online.

Speaker 19 Well, let's take a look.

Speaker 25 What is the, is it, oh,

Speaker 22 okay.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 10 Apparently our war strategy in Afghanistan is being encoded in Justin Bieber's Twitter account.

Speaker 2 Any news organizations out there taking the time to maybe wade through these documents and

Speaker 2 boil it down a bit for us?

Speaker 20 The leaked records give precise accounts of missions gone horribly wrong. Helicopters shot down.
Two religious schools are providing 95% of suicide attackers.

Speaker 20 There is also horrifying detail about civilian deaths in 2007. Pakistan's military intelligence agency, the ISI, is helping the Afghan insurgency attack American troops.

Speaker 19 What the f?

Speaker 4 Pakistan is doing.

Speaker 3 We give them billions of dollars of aid.

Speaker 3 Pakistan is funneling that money to the Taliban. One of the chief financial contributors to our enemy

Speaker 19 is us.

Speaker 3 We have ostensibly ostensibly put a hit out

Speaker 19 on ourselves.

Speaker 3 This is insanity.

Speaker 21 Or to put it another way.

Speaker 16 Oh, I think there's nothing new really here. This is sort of a storm in a teacup.

Speaker 29 The substance, frankly, is not new.

Speaker 30 On the content, there really is nothing essentially fundamentally new.

Speaker 3 Yeah, see, I'm not reacting to the newness of it.

Speaker 3 I'm reacting to the f uppedness of it.

Speaker 3 What does it take to get you guys fired up?

Speaker 3 What does it do?

Speaker 10 Seriously, what all these documents are doing is exposing the existential trap we find ourselves in in Afghanistan.

Speaker 21 I guess it's no kid may or may not be in balloon.

Speaker 24 That was crazy.

Speaker 21 That whole afternoon I was like, is he in there?

Speaker 26 Have you heard the news?

Speaker 22 Extra, extra.

Speaker 24 Future President Hillary Clinton may have to pardon former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Speaker 1 A bombshell report that Hillary Clinton may have violated the law during her time at the State Department.

Speaker 32 Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Speaker 12 What did she do? Did she funnel arms to ISIS to pay for a land deal in Arkansas?

Speaker 10 Did she sell Alaska back to the Russians in exchange for their silence on Benghazi?

Speaker 18 What did she do?

Speaker 27 Pad her resume with fake countries she supposedly negotiated treaties with?

Speaker 11 I should have known there was no such thing as pants Sudistan.

Speaker 11 Hit me with the bad news.

Speaker 15 It appears that while she was Secretary of State, she did not have an official email account at all.

Speaker 15 Oh.

Speaker 18 Is that against the law not to have an email account?

Speaker 32 I mean, it seems less of a scandal and more of like a nerd snap.

Speaker 24 Like, oh, she's so old she doesn't even have an official email account.

Speaker 4 Like,

Speaker 24 I mean, what's the big deal about not having an email account?

Speaker 32 Or what am I missing here?

Speaker 36 Hillary Clinton may have broken federal record-keeping rules.

Speaker 36 By using a personal email account instead of a State Department account, the official rules are that you're supposed to use government accounts which are saved for public record and are considered more secure.

Speaker 37 Oh, okay. Well, that's not nothing.

Speaker 24 That's, we, she should have done that, right?

Speaker 23 But don't we have a facility in Utah that collects all of our email anyway?

Speaker 28 Solving the whole archive problem?

Speaker 25 Can't you just ask them or they don't talk to you either.

Speaker 10 Why is this coming out now?

Speaker 24 Wasn't it clear to anybody who emailed Secretary Clinton during that time that her email address was her personal email?

Speaker 41 When somebody in the White House, in the West Wing, had an email to send to the Secretary of State,

Speaker 41 did they just use her, you know, her private email? How did they get in contact with her? Did that never raise a flag inside the West Wing?

Speaker 25 And did it not also raise a red flag in the West Wing that her personal email was, don't tell anyone about this account at secret slash shh.

Speaker 21 Dot definitely not gov?

Speaker 35 Come on, it's not like the State Department didn't eventually get all the Clinton emails that Clinton decided they should get.

Speaker 42 In 2014, Clinton did hand over 55,000 pages after the State Department sent a written request for the records. Aides say they tossed out Clinton's personal notes, like memos on her daughter's wedding.

Speaker 25 I believe it is a sign that you have been in government too long

Speaker 25 when you write memos about your daughter's wedding.

Speaker 23 read the happiest day of your life.

Speaker 2 Your father and I look very forward to sharing the event with you.

Speaker 11 We love you very much, dictated, not red.

Speaker 24 I think the concern there is that the aides are the ones who get to decide which emails are appropriate to be shared as opposed to an independent arbiter.

Speaker 11 That's why Doritos doesn't get to decide which ingredients consumers need to know about.

Speaker 11 Or why you don't get to tell the cops which pockets to search.

Speaker 3 Wait, officer, not that one.

Speaker 22 That's my weed pocket.

Speaker 10 And those other two gentlemen are my balls.

Speaker 24 Is there another reason that she didn't need to archive her emails with state?

Speaker 1 Secretary Powell wrote about this in his book. He had a personal laptop installed in his office so he could use personal email.
Oh.

Speaker 25 But I think the regulation started in 2009, no? Wasn't that four years after Powell left?

Speaker 25 And I mean, if Colin Powell was using a personal email address, they didn't really have rules on personal emails yet because back then email wasn't really as prevalent to laptops, which may explain why Powell felt the need to install one in his office.

Speaker 28 How can we know that Clinton even turned over all her relevant emails?

Speaker 1 She has taken steps to preserve those records by providing the State Department with the 55,000 pages. I think 55,000 is a pretty big number.

Speaker 23 It is a big number.

Speaker 4 There are bigger.

Speaker 39 A million.

Speaker 10 And it's not as big as the number of pages Clinton actually had.

Speaker 18 But that's the crazy thing about numbers.

Speaker 18 You know, you can always top home somebody be like, you have 100 Dalmatians? That's a load of Dalmatians. I can't imagine anyone having more than 100 Dalmatians.

Speaker 24 And then some lady being like,

Speaker 38 my dad, one, bruh, brup,

Speaker 33 101.

Speaker 25 That is a lot of Dalmatians actually.

Speaker 32 But if that's, you know, how everybody feels, why not just say that Secretary Clinton did turn over all her emails?

Speaker 1 She provided a huge, you know, a large amount, those $55,000.

Speaker 29 You could just say it's everything if you feel like.

Speaker 1 Well, how can I, I mean, Brad, I'm not in her email.

Speaker 11 If you were in her email, you'd you'd be starring in the most boring Tron sequel of all time.

Speaker 31 Tron to the inbox.

Speaker 31 Oh no, there's spam.

Speaker 10 Today, once again, by the way, we begin our program with a continuing saga of WikiLeaks, the 250,000-page document dump that, like most post-Thanksgiving dumps

Speaker 13 is endless and fascinating to pick through.

Speaker 21 And if you know anything about my family, should of course remain classified.

Speaker 10 The release of many embarrassing and possibly damaging diplomatic cables has introduced the world to a new supervillain, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange.

Speaker 10 Assange, Shep, am I pronouncing that right?

Speaker 8 Wikileaks and its founder, this man, Julian Assange.

Speaker 33 Ah,

Speaker 4 Assange.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Cheval.

Speaker 21 Assange is the founder of Wikileaks, a site not to be confused with Wookileaks, where for $10.99 a month, you can...

Speaker 37 Self-explanatory, really.

Speaker 10 This is Wikileaks, a website whose sole purpose is to expose information.

Speaker 23 So who is this Assange?

Speaker 45 Working in secrecy, he hides the location of computer servers to ward off cyber attack and hides his own location, moving and changing names and email addresses to ward off arrest.

Speaker 15 Clearly, they are working with terrorist organizations.

Speaker 32 I believe they've become one themselves.

Speaker 22 Ah, clearly.

Speaker 3 Assange is Osama bin Laden crossed with Magneto and the albino from the Matrix with more than a scooch of the Dyson vacuum guy.

Speaker 47 Yeah, mostly.

Speaker 11 It's mostly the Dyson vacuum guy, quite frankly.

Speaker 39 Anyway.

Speaker 23 What hath Assange bin Dyson wrought?

Speaker 46 Cables that reportedly show Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice before her ordered U.S. embassies and intelligence services to gather private information on U.N.

Speaker 46 leaders and diplomats.

Speaker 48 Yemen's President Saleh telling General David Petraeus about strikes in Yemen. We'll continue saying the bombs are ours, not yours.

Speaker 6 German Chancellor Merkel avoids risk and is rarely creative. Afghan President Karzai is driven by paranoia.

Speaker 49 Dmitry Medvedev plays Robin to Mr. Putin's Batman.
Ahmadinejad is Hitler.

Speaker 6 Italy's foreign minister is calling this leak a diplomatic 9-11.

Speaker 25 Well, then he's a fing idiot.

Speaker 3 I mean, not for nothing.

Speaker 31 Sack up.

Speaker 23 I'll give you its diplomatic mischief night, maybe.

Speaker 27 But most of the s in there is non-policy chit-chat and things we already knew.

Speaker 37 And quite frankly, Ahmadinejad is Hitler?

Speaker 37 I think he might take that as a compliment.

Speaker 27 A peace offering towards the détente.

Speaker 10 I mean, transparency is a good thing. Government wrongdoing should be ferreted out.
Although, just because something's secret doesn't necessarily mean it's nefarious.

Speaker 10 How's Secretary of State Hillary Clinton dealing with the blowback?

Speaker 51 Madam Secretary, are you embarrassed by these leaks personally, professionally?

Speaker 11 Is she embarrassed?

Speaker 32 Were you alive in the 90s?

Speaker 31 Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?

Speaker 21 You know she's married to this guy, right?

Speaker 43 I think she's built up a bit of an embarrassment tolerance.

Speaker 10 It'd be like splitting a Mike's hard lemonade with Keith Richards and going, should I call you a cab?

Speaker 3 Are you too f ⁇ ed up to drive?

Speaker 43 Not that there weren't some embarrassing details.

Speaker 49 In the effort to close Guantanamo, the State Department plays what the New York Times calls, let's make a deal.

Speaker 49 Slovenia, for example, is told that if it wants to get a meeting with President Obama, it needs to take a prisoner.

Speaker 28 Sounds a little desperate.

Speaker 11 Offering foreign leaders FaceTime to the president in exchange for taking a Gitmo detainee.

Speaker 11 It could hopefully be more effective than Obama's original, take a prisoner, leave a prisoner jar.

Speaker 4 So ultimately.

Speaker 22 Very few took. A lot of people left.

Speaker 10 Ultimately, an interesting yet somewhat less explosive and less than searing indictment.

Speaker 18 So why, why Assange?

Speaker 28 Why? Assange.

Speaker 47 I'm sorry, Assange.

Speaker 18 Why Assange?

Speaker 52 What drives you? I'm a combative person, so I like crushing bastards. So it is deeply, personally, personally, deeply satisfying to me.

Speaker 25 I think you're underestimating how cynical Americans are about our government already.

Speaker 39 We've engineered coups in Chile, Iran, Guatemala, etc.

Speaker 25 We sold arms to Iran and then used the money to fund Central American revolutionaries.

Speaker 23 We sell weapons to our enemy's enemy, who somehow always then becomes our enemy and forces us to defend ourselves from our own weapons.

Speaker 18 That happens a lot. In fact, you know what we call that?

Speaker 21 The number eight.

Speaker 18 It takes a lot to unimpress us.

Speaker 2 You really should read up about the s we already know about us.

Speaker 27 So unless in these wiki leaks we're going to find out that the aliens from Area 51 killed Kennedy,

Speaker 23 stop with the drama.

Speaker 14 For more on the story, we go to our senior intelligence correspondent, Asip Monvey.

Speaker 21 Thank you.

Speaker 4 Asip, thank you. Asip!

Speaker 27 What is, what is all this WikiLeaks?

Speaker 53 Well, John, it's the 21st century.

Speaker 54 What I've coined, the information age.

Speaker 55 A glorious...

Speaker 53 Thank you. A glorious utopian data scape in which everyone has a right to know everything about everyone.
It's why I get to see your penis at the airport.

Speaker 25 You're not, you don't get to, I'm not going to let you see my penis.

Speaker 39 What?

Speaker 54 What are you hiding?

Speaker 39 I'm hiding my penis. Oh.

Speaker 3 Oh, really? Yes.

Speaker 53 Is there something about your penis that you don't want us to know about?

Speaker 53 Are you in favor or are you not in favor of transparency?

Speaker 10 But Azif, that's not transparency. Transparency is being open to the public on important issues and processes so that the public can make informed decisions.

Speaker 3 Ah, wrong again, Rip Van, old grandpa man.

Speaker 53 Transparency is about me knowing everything I don't already know. Because if I don't know it, that means someone's keeping it from me.
Like your penis.

Speaker 25 So

Speaker 25 my penis is a metaphor.

Speaker 31 Sure.

Speaker 27 That helps you sleep at night?

Speaker 47 All right. You know.

Speaker 13 Should everything, Asif, be out there?

Speaker 10 If there's total transparency, we won't really see anything.

Speaker 53 Oh, I'm an old 20th century man driving my car to get food.

Speaker 23 People still do that.

Speaker 22 You don't do it.

Speaker 4 I'm not that much older than you are.

Speaker 53 Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's count the rings on your penis.

Speaker 57 That's not how you find out.

Speaker 18 Stop with the penis already.

Speaker 53 I know, I know, John. I'm annoying you.

Speaker 53 But it's that kind of dogged persistence that's the hallmark of a free press that's why this WikiLeaks dump is so important it's basically our generation's Pentagon papers well uh

Speaker 10 the Pentagon papers exposed blatant lies about how the government got us into the Vietnam War how they continued to mislead us about the war's progress even the most cynical reading of these documents I don't think rises to that indictable

Speaker 53 man no it's about the beautiful anarchy of information it shows that what the government says in private is not necessarily what it says in public.

Speaker 55 But who doesn't know that?

Speaker 4 That seems like a relatively banal point to be made.

Speaker 27 Not all information is equal, though, Asif.

Speaker 53 And that's why your fly will always be up, and my generation's will always be down.

Speaker 44 Your fly is down?

Speaker 4 Always.

Speaker 44 Thank you, Asif.

Speaker 11 Asif Monvy, everybody.

Speaker 44 We'll be right back.

Speaker 29 Do you guys remember last week when the Trump administration was in the deepest

Speaker 29 after the James Comey firing?

Speaker 29 Specifically, because Trump's sudden dismissal of Comey further raised suspicions of his relations with Russia, right?

Speaker 29 And then remember how literally the day after that, the day after that, he hosted Russians, two top diplomats in the Oval Office? You remember that? Yeah?

Speaker 54 And then we were all like, man, it can't get any worse.

Speaker 31 We were wrong.

Speaker 59 Breaking news tonight, President Trump reportedly revealed highly classified information to Russia's foreign minister and Russia's ambassador in a White House meeting last week.

Speaker 59 This, according to the Washington Post, which cites current and former U.S. officials as saying that Trump's disclosures jeopardized a critical source of intelligence on the Islamic State.
I knew it!

Speaker 34 No, I knew something was up when we saw saw President Trump with the Russians and they were smiling.

Speaker 60 There's only two times a Russian man smiles, the day he dies and this.

Speaker 56 I mean, once again, this sounds like a story that we would invent, right?

Speaker 29 Trump invites the Russians into the Oval Office and then in his meeting starts bragging.

Speaker 62 I get great intel.

Speaker 50 I have people brief me on great intel every day.

Speaker 29 and then proceeds to give them the intel.

Speaker 29 He probably doesn't even know what Intel is short for.

Speaker 62 My Intellivision is the best.

Speaker 55 It gets the highest ratings.

Speaker 29 Best ratings of all.

Speaker 29 What's really sad about this is that Donald Trump is trying to impress the Russians with the fact that he's president.

Speaker 19 They know.

Speaker 29 The guys there, like, yeah, do you guys know that I'm president? And they're like, yes, that is how we blend it.

Speaker 47 Yes, of course.

Speaker 58 Like,

Speaker 47 like right now, right now, if I were Putin back in Moscow, I would be like, this is a trap, no?

Speaker 26 No, it has to be. No, it can't be this easy.
Come on, come on.

Speaker 29 Because you know they thought it was going to be a lot harder, right? They were probably trying to figure out how to hide bugs in the Oval Office, you know, figuring out where to put everything.

Speaker 29 And Trump was like, hey, what's that?

Speaker 53 Is that a microphone?

Speaker 50 I love those. Hello, one, two, one, two.

Speaker 50 Here are my secrets.

Speaker 29 Now, before you get your hopes up, the White House has already called the Washington Post's report false.

Speaker 29 And in any case, even if it wasn't called that, the chance of Donald Trump getting into trouble for this is next to nothing.

Speaker 29 Because you see, a president, almost by definition, can't leak classified information. Once a president says it, it's declassified.

Speaker 47 That's the law.

Speaker 10 It's a crazy law, but it's true.

Speaker 29 But I'm sorry, right now, it feels like Trump is doing everything he criticized Hillary for doing during the campaign. Mishandling national security secrets, under threat of an FBI investigation.

Speaker 29 At this rate, next week, he's going to faint in public.

Speaker 50 Just be like, I also lost my shoe.

Speaker 47 I will say this though, people.

Speaker 29 At least now we know there's no aliens.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Because if there were, Donald Trump would have told us by now.

Speaker 26 Like, he would have leaked it immediately.

Speaker 55 E.G., use my Samsung. to phone home.
He did it, folks.

Speaker 29 So the good news is, Trump listens during Intel briefings and the bad news is Trump listens during Intel briefings

Speaker 29 Let's move on from one piece of work to another Donald Johnson and Johnson baby powder Trump the ex-president most likely to be a surprise judge at a wet t-shirt contest Yesterday the government office that keeps presidential records asked the Justice Department to investigate Trump's improper handling of official documents.

Speaker 29 And like, at this point, I'm wondering if there are any laws that Trump hasn't broken.

Speaker 47 You know?

Speaker 29 Like, if there was a Guinness book of world records for crime, he'd probably steal the book. But yeah, according to reports, Trump would rip up papers after he read them.

Speaker 29 He took boxes of material with him to Mar-a-Lago. And now we're learning that Trump did the most Trump thing that he possibly could have done.
with some of these documents.

Speaker 42 We were beginning with breaking news.

Speaker 64 Staff members at the White House residence discovered wads of printed paper in a clogged toilet on more than one occasion during the Trump administration and believe that it was the former president himself who was trying to flush documents.

Speaker 65 I learned that staff in the White House residence would periodically find the toilet clogged.

Speaker 65 The engineer would have to come and fix it and what the engineer would find would be wads of you know clumped up wet printed paper, you know, meaning it was not toilet paper. It could be post-its.

Speaker 65 It could be notes he wrote to himself. It could be other things.

Speaker 65 We don't know, but it certainly does add, as you said, another dimension to what we know about how he handled material in the White House.

Speaker 29 You know, it's so funny how in every scandal involving Trump and documents, none of them involve him reading them.

Speaker 29 And by the way, I will say this. I know it's easy for us to all go, Trump was trying to obstruct justice.

Speaker 34 That's what this was.

Speaker 29 But you do remember at the start of the pandemic, there was a shortage of what

Speaker 29 and I don't know about you guys but when there's no toilet paper state documents start to look mighty tempting

Speaker 29 it also does explain why Trump was always complaining about toilets you always you remember how he always did that people are flushing toilets 10 times 15 times as opposed to once they end up using more water yeah they're flushing it 10 times 15 times no dude you were flushing toilets 10 times 15 times because you were shoving your homework down the toilets.

Speaker 29 I mean, everyone assumed he was a man who clogged the White House toilets, but no one ever thought we'd have to ask the question, but with what?

Speaker 29 Now, of course, Trump denies all of this. He says he never clogged any toilets ever.

Speaker 29 Smoothest poo of all time.

Speaker 29 So the big question is, who's telling the truth? Well, luckily, we have an exclusive interview with the only man who knows what the truth is.

Speaker 29 So we're going to go out live right now to the White House to chat to that man. Sir, I understand that you are the official White House plumber.

Speaker 67 That's right. It's me, Carl Schwartz.
How are you doing?

Speaker 26 Well, doing well.

Speaker 29 Thank you so much for joining us, Mr. Schwartz.
As the White House plumber, we'd love for you to tell us everything you know about Trump flushing documents down the toilets.

Speaker 67 All right, let me stop you right there, Chief, okay? Sorry to disappoint you, but I can't. It's the Plumber's Code.

Speaker 29 The Plumber's Code? That's right.

Speaker 67 It's the iron code all plumbers live by. One, One, never tell a toilet secrets.
Two, always round up the bill. Three, no visible butt crack.
Trying to break that stereotype.

Speaker 67 So I'm sorry, but I can't reveal what I know about Trump's toilet no matter what.

Speaker 52 Oh, come on.

Speaker 67 All right, fine, I'll tell you. I was in Trump's bathroom almost every day pulling paper out of the toilet.
I unclogged so many classified documents they had to give me top secret clearance.

Speaker 67 I'm talking CIA briefings, diplomatic cables, the medical experiments that created Rudy Giuliani. Honestly, some of the stuff I didn't understand what it meant.

Speaker 67 Like, I found this one document that just says nuke Spain question mark.

Speaker 8 Oh, wow.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 29 You must have been pretty frustrated with President Trump giving you so much unnecessary work.

Speaker 67 Are you kidding me? I love President Trump. He made my job more interesting and he trusted me with our nation's top secrets.
Unlike certain other presidents who just use the toilet to poop or pee.

Speaker 67 Obama.

Speaker 16 I don't know why you said it like that. You could have, we knew who the anyway.

Speaker 29 Let me ask you this. Was Trump the only one in the White House who was flushing documents? Did Vice President Pence do it?

Speaker 67 No, no, no. Mike Pence never even used the bathroom.
He actually doesn't have any holes. Now, if you excuse me, I have an emergency I have to deal with.

Speaker 67 Kamala Harris has been locked in the bathroom for the past year.

Speaker 66 Oh, wow. Is that where she's been?

Speaker 29 Well, good luck with that, and thank you so much, Mr. Schwartz.
You got cheap. Did he say no holes?

Speaker 29 Oh my God.

Speaker 29 The FBI raided Donald Trump's house in Mar-a-Lago.

Speaker 34 The FBI people raided a former president's house.

Speaker 68 This is huge.

Speaker 9 This is bigger than when the feds investigated Bill Clinton for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone.

Speaker 29 And by the way, by the way, this raid, just so you know, has nothing to do with January 6th or tax fraud or giving the White House plumber PTSD.

Speaker 16 No,

Speaker 29 apparently, this investigation is about Trump taking classified documents from the White House.

Speaker 70 And honestly, I'm amazed that Trump has time for all of this crime.

Speaker 29 Like at any moment, at any moment, Trump's got a crime that he's covering up, he's got a crime that he's doing now, he's got a crime that he's plotting for the future.

Speaker 5 He's like the Steve Harvey, but of crimes, you know?

Speaker 72 Every day I'm like, does he have the same hours in the day as me? He gets so much done.

Speaker 29 Now, if you'll remember, if you remember, earlier this year, the feds already had to go down to Mar-a-Lago and take back 15 boxes of documents that Trump wasn't supposed to have, but apparently they think there's more hidden on the property.

Speaker 9 And I believe that.

Speaker 29 I believe that too. I mean, like, Trump's not going to keep records in a filing cabinet like a normal person.

Speaker 26 This is the same dude who buried his ex-wife on a golf course.

Speaker 38 I mean, think about that.

Speaker 34 And yes, it is totally unprecedented for the FBI to raid the home of a former president.

Speaker 29 That is true. That has never happened in American history.
But don't forget, Donald Trump has also never happened in American history.

Speaker 71 Everything is an anomaly with this man.

Speaker 34 I mean, like, why do you think a book from one of his staffers comes out every single week?

Speaker 9 Because every single person he interacts with is like, yo, have I got a f ⁇ ing up story for you?

Speaker 70 And wouldn't it be weird if this is the thing that takes Trump down?

Speaker 29 We thought it would be something like conspiracy or bribery or blackmail, but no, Trump's got busted for taking work home with him.

Speaker 31 What a nerd.

Speaker 29 Now, obviously, President Trump recognizes the gravity of the situation, which is why he has refrained from comment while the legal process is playing.

Speaker 5 Now, I'm joking with you. Come on.

Speaker 29 The guy released a statement immediately.

Speaker 22 Immediately.

Speaker 34 He read, these are dark times for our nation.

Speaker 63 As my beautiful home, Mar-a-Lago, in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI agents.

Speaker 62 They even broke into my safe.

Speaker 63 What's the difference between this and Watergate?

Speaker 62 What's the difference?

Speaker 70 I love that even while he's complaining, he slips in that the thing is beautiful.

Speaker 9 How could they do this to my beautiful home?

Speaker 68 Also,

Speaker 68 also,

Speaker 10 this is completely different from Watergate.

Speaker 29 For one thing, the guys breaking into Watergate didn't need to clean old ketchup stains off the documents.

Speaker 58 But the other big thing, the other big difference is that the raid was legal.

Speaker 34 It was approved by a federal judge, approved by the head of the FBI, who, by the way, was appointed by Donald Trump himself after he got rid of like 17 other heads of the FBI because they didn't want to do crimes of Donald Trump.

Speaker 29 So now, the big mystery is, what did the FBI find?

Speaker 29 Well, according to Donald Trump's third favorite son, the only thing the FBI took was his heart.

Speaker 73 What could they possibly think existed inside of Mar-a-Lago in a box that was taken from the White House that was so damaging that the FBI director and the Attorney General of the United States would have to raid a former president's residence and grab everything out of there.

Speaker 74 I don't know, they'll probably find a note from me telling him how proud I am of him and what a great job he was doing as president. They might find some pictures of my kids, maybe some nice

Speaker 74 headlines, maybe a nice note from you, Sean.

Speaker 38 Oh, Eric.

Speaker 20 You silly, silly man.

Speaker 29 Did daddy tell you that's where your letters to him go?

Speaker 34 Hidden away somewhere safe?

Speaker 50 They're just too important to show anybody or acknowledge in any way, Eric. That's why I locked them up right next to my wedding ring.
That's what I do.

Speaker 29 Now, aside from the boxes that they took, the FBI also looked inside Trump's safe, which is very dramatic.

Speaker 29 Like, because apparently they had to break into it, right?

Speaker 16 So now you're like, how do they do it?

Speaker 29 Did they blow it open or did they just correctly guess the code was 6969?

Speaker 61 Honestly,

Speaker 72 I'd be surprised.

Speaker 29 I would actually be surprised if they found White House documents in Trump's safe.

Speaker 66 Because a safe is where you keep your most prized possessions.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 29 So in my head, searching through Trump's safe would probably go a lot more like this.

Speaker 16 All right, guys, let's see what we have in here.

Speaker 43 All right.

Speaker 32 My God.

Speaker 56 The entire safe is just filled with Macrib after Macrib.

Speaker 70 This is, this is, this stacked on top of each other.

Speaker 34 This is, I don't even understand.

Speaker 68 It's an unventilated safe.

Speaker 34 Who would do this?

Speaker 28 Wait, wait, hold on.

Speaker 66 There's a secret panel in the bottom.

Speaker 56 I think we found it. We just found...

Speaker 70 Nope, another Macrib, boys.

Speaker 15 Another Macrib.

Speaker 15 Now,

Speaker 29 you might be wondering.

Speaker 29 You might be wondering,

Speaker 29 isn't this an extremely explosive situation for the United States?

Speaker 26 Yes, it is. It is.

Speaker 29 You don't want to let a former president get away with crimes, right? Because nobody in America is above the law, except corporations and rich people and police and celebrities sometimes.

Speaker 5 But aside from them, nobody is above the law.

Speaker 29 But at the same time, even the perception that the Justice Department is being used to go after your political opponents, that could erode people's trust in government.

Speaker 66 So it's a really tricky situation.

Speaker 29 And the only thing we can do is wait and see how the investigation unfolds.

Speaker 61 Or if you're Fox News, you can just freak out right now.

Speaker 76 This is an abomination.

Speaker 1 This is Gestapo crap.

Speaker 76 It's probably the worst day in the history of the FBI.

Speaker 77 This is a wake-up call for those in Congress to be able to use the tools at their disposal to defund the FBI, dismantle the FBI into a thousand bits.

Speaker 58 Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene simply tweeting, defund the FBI.

Speaker 78 If this is what they're able to do to the former president of the United States, think about what they could do to you, to anybody in America.

Speaker 79 The real target of this investigation isn't Trump. The real target of this investigation is you.

Speaker 73 Do we have a dual justice system in America? Is there equal justice under the law?

Speaker 76 I am deathly afraid for Donald Trump. I would not put assassination behind these people.

Speaker 31 We're entering

Speaker 73 basically a Venezuelan, Zimbabwean, East German-style banana republic in which the law doesn't matter. This is some third world bullshit right here.
Let me say it again. Third world bullshit.

Speaker 22 All right.

Speaker 70 First of all, as someone from the third world,

Speaker 34 maybe leave us out of your shit for once, huh?

Speaker 5 How about that? How about that? This is some third world bullshit right here.

Speaker 72 This is something.

Speaker 70 Every time, every time Americans want to call something in America that's corrupt, all of a sudden they're like, oh, this is third world bullshit.

Speaker 29 My man, at what point do you realize that it's happening here?

Speaker 38 It's you.

Speaker 72 It's you.

Speaker 71 Bad things only happen in other countries when it's here. It's still happening in another country.

Speaker 26 In fact, when something happens happens in the actual third world, yeah, these days America's gotten so bad, people in Africa are like, are you kidding me?

Speaker 70 This is just like America.

Speaker 5 Oh, no.

Speaker 72 This place is turning into America. What are we doing now? What are we doing?

Speaker 34 But I do get what Super Karen is saying.

Speaker 61 If the FBI...

Speaker 29 If the FBI is going to go after Trump for stealing classified documents from the White House, then what's to stop them from going after you when you steal classified documents from the White House?

Speaker 50 Is that the country we want to live in where anyone can be investigated just for the crime of doing crimes?

Speaker 28 I don't think so.

Speaker 29 It has been one month since the FBI raided Donald Trump's beautiful Mar-a-Lago home and stole his beautiful top secret documents.

Speaker 29 And we're still getting new information every day. Like it just came out that one of the documents in Trump's possession had secret information about a foreign country's nuclear defense capabilities.

Speaker 47 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Yeah, so now America needs to send out letters to every country in the world like those ones you get from your credit card company.

Speaker 16 You know it's like so there was a data breach and you're probably gonna want to change your nuclear codes.

Speaker 29 But even if you think you've been following the story closely, you haven't really

Speaker 29 unless you know how they're covering it on Fox News.

Speaker 56 So for that perspective, here's Desi Lydek with another installment of Fox Planes.

Speaker 1 What is the secret document scandal really about? Why is it happening now? On a scale of one to the most innocent man who's ever lived, how innocent is Donald Trump?

Speaker 1 Well, I've been watching Fox News for 26 days straight, and I'm ready to fox blame the biggest witch hunt since Dorothy skipped down that yellow brick road with a robot and a furry.

Speaker 1 People, this wasn't a search. This was a raid.
The woke FBI smashed a window and broke in, and Merrick Garland took a bumble bath in Trump's pub and erased everything on his DVR.

Speaker 1 He was catching up on Abbott Elementary, Merrick. What Donald Trump did was normal.
Everyone brings work home, even when they no longer work there.

Speaker 1 After I got fired from H ⁇ M, I brought home an entire cash register. It is totally normal and not illegal.
Joe Brandon's Department of Justice is out of control. Congratulations, FBI.
You did it.

Speaker 1 You found Melania's top secret underwear. Can I see it? Seriously? Donald Trump took documents? Documents? This is no worse than what Hillary did, which was terrible.

Speaker 1 And she should go to prison, which is why Trump should not go to prison. Do I have to list why it's okay that he has the documents? Okay.

Speaker 1 Attorney-client privilege, executive privilege, white privilege, diplomatic immunity, uh, the Kavanaugh hearings? Trump is technically still the president because he never gave us two weeks' notice.

Speaker 1 Double jeopardy. That's gotta be a thing, right? Seriously? We're prosecuting Trump on the Espionage Act? You're trying to get an American president on a French word? I don't think so, Pepe Le Puew.

Speaker 1 No, uh-uh, no.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 no,

Speaker 1 no. America, if you are not so outraged that you forgot forgot to pick your children up from school every day last week, then you are not paying attention.
Where's the raid on Hunter Biden's laptop?

Speaker 1 Oh, right. The laptop is sitting in a five-star hotel getting a massage and eating caviar from China.
If they indict Trump for this, there will be riots in the streets.

Speaker 1 And if they don't indict him, there will also be riots in the streets. Just like on January 6th, which was not a riot.
It was a normal tourist activity, which is good or bad.

Speaker 1 Either way, I will not be picking up my kids from school that day. Sorry, sweeties.
This is just another deep safe hoax and a major distraction from the real story.

Speaker 1 Joe Biden gave a speech when it was dark out. That's all for this week.
Bye, everyone. Merrick Garland is a space elf.

Speaker 75 Okay, you guys remember that for the past six months, we've been roasting the shit out of Donald Trump for keeping classified documents at his house.

Speaker 38 And I have to agree, what kind of moron?

Speaker 75 I mean, what kind of irresponsible piece of shit

Speaker 75 would keep classified documents at his house? I mean, he's got to be the only dumbass

Speaker 75 that would do something so stupid.

Speaker 1 Breaking news from the White House: more classified documents were found in President Biden's Delaware home.

Speaker 75 Just wrote a damn tape.

Speaker 42 This morning, President Biden is facing growing calls for transparency from Republicans and even some Democrats amid the special counsel's investigation into his handling of classified documents after he left the Obama administration.

Speaker 42 Pressure is mounting after this weekend. The White House counsel's office said additional pages of classified documents were discovered inside the president's Delaware home.

Speaker 42 It comes after about a dozen initially discovered at Mr. Biden's private office, including at least one document marked top secret.

Speaker 42 That followed by two batches discovered in Delaware, including inside his garage.

Speaker 41 Classified material next to your Corvette.

Speaker 47 What were you thinking?

Speaker 37 By the way, my Corvette's in the lock garage, okay? So it's not like you're sitting out in the street.

Speaker 37 What?

Speaker 75 This is a national security emergency, okay? A man this old with access to a Corvette?

Speaker 75 I don't know what's more scary, Biden losing the nuclear codes or Biden going 85 on the highway.

Speaker 38 Biden, please do not drive that Corvette. Your ass can't even ride a bike.

Speaker 75 Let me tell you something, he probably loves talking about this scandal because it gives him a chance to talk about his Corvette.

Speaker 62 Hey, everybody.

Speaker 75 I've got stolen documents next to my sweet Corvette.

Speaker 28 Go Grease Lightning, you're burning up the corvette.

Speaker 28 Grease lightning, Bo Green Lightning.

Speaker 75 I know this is a big scandal, but honestly, I think these documents was pretty safe at Biden's house because it's hard to find anything in an old man's garage.

Speaker 75 Grandpa, where's the document?

Speaker 20 It's by the leaf blower.

Speaker 20 You have six leaf blowers, Grandpa!

Speaker 75 But can I just say this for a minute? I am so disappointed in you, Joe Joe Biden, because this is the Trump scandal you copy, stealing documents?

Speaker 75 You could have been black balls deep in porn stars, you dumb f ⁇ .

Speaker 47 But there's a bigger problem here.

Speaker 75 Because first it was Trump, now it's Biden.

Speaker 57 What I need to know is who is in charge of these documents?

Speaker 57 Who is the bitch who is freely giving out classified documents?

Speaker 57 Who the f is this person?

Speaker 57 What's up, y'all?

Speaker 40 How you doing, man?

Speaker 28 You wanna get some documents?

Speaker 28 Check this out, though.

Speaker 75 I just came back from lunch.

Speaker 63 And I smoked the biggest split

Speaker 4 I have ever rolled. So I'm real high right now.

Speaker 50 So it's your lucky day.

Speaker 57 I'm going to hook you up with all the documents you need right now.

Speaker 9 You know what? Just take what you want.

Speaker 80 But wait, wait.

Speaker 20 I'm going to need to get you to sign.

Speaker 29 Hold on.

Speaker 23 Let me get something for you to sign.

Speaker 50 You know what?

Speaker 28 I remember you. I remember you.

Speaker 34 I trust you. I trust you.

Speaker 50 I trust. But you got to be cool, son.

Speaker 75 You got to be cool with these documents, okay? Where you going to hide them at?

Speaker 24 In the Corvette?

Speaker 24 You got a Corvette?

Speaker 24 Take whatever you need.

Speaker 80 You are a G.

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