TDS Time Machine | Spring Break

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 3 Folks, it's spring break time. I know many of our college-age viewers are watching us right now from the vomit-strewn comfort of a day's inn in in Panama City.

Speaker 3 But I want to let you know out there there are dangers lurking in the seemingly innocent world of underage bacchanalia.

Speaker 3 A new study by the American Medical Association reports 40% of female spring breakers passed out, half got sick, and 13% had sex with more than one partner.

Speaker 7 But only after a gang of crafty nerds rewired the sign at the Hotel Coral Essex.

Speaker 7 Nerds!

Speaker 7 Nerds!

Speaker 7 Words!

Speaker 3 Even though you shout nerds, they keep with their tomfoolery.

Speaker 3 Even more shocking, 10% of female spring breakers had public or group sex that they later regretted.

Speaker 3 Which means 90%

Speaker 4 had public or group sex that in hindsight, they were really glad they did.

Speaker 4 Me like you the odds.

Speaker 3 Psychologist Robin Goodman told CBS the early show, debauchery is a major issue.

Speaker 13 Although sex and drugs have been going down in the population of teenagers, for girls it's going up. Girls are really now catching up to boys in some of these bad behaviors.

Speaker 13 And fun, unfortunately, is morphing into dangerous at times.

Speaker 7 How dangerous a problem is it? Well, to put it in perspective, this is the story that it came right in front of. Danny, let's go.
Robin Goodman. Thank you very much.

Speaker 12 Appreciate it.

Speaker 8 Up next, I'm going to talk about fat pets.

Speaker 15 That's pretty dangerous.

Speaker 10 College girls gone bad.

Speaker 16 Overweight cucka spaniel.

Speaker 7 Switching gears to travel, you know, at this time of year, many young people have a particular tourist destination on their minds. Tonight, Dan Bacchadahl heads south to join in the fun.

Speaker 11 It's spring in Florida, and that means one thing.

Speaker 14 Spring break is a great marketing opportunity for corporate America.

Speaker 17 Woo! Market!

Speaker 18 Spring break!

Speaker 19 Yes, it's the time of year when marketers from every corner of the country head to the beach to let their hair down and take in the natural beauty of the 18 to 24 year old demographic.

Speaker 14 The advantage of marketing at Spring Break is that you have students who are in a social environment and social atmosphere that aren't running off the class, but kind of have time to look at products.

Speaker 8 Right.

Speaker 20 So on college campuses, there's only a 50% chance they're going to be stoned and impressionable. Here, you got a guarantee.

Speaker 14 I don't know if you're guaranteed they're all going to be wasted.

Speaker 11 They're pretty wasted.

Speaker 14 There certainly is a fair amount of alcohol consumption at spring break.

Speaker 11 High five.

Speaker 15 Right on.

Speaker 21 All that booze helps the students explore sophisticated new scents, make lifelong commitments to credit cards, and romp around on the National Guard's realistic, inflatable Iraq war simulator.

Speaker 22 But surprisingly, some find reason to complain.

Speaker 8 I find it absolutely despicable that here we are on the beach with college students, 18-year-olds barely old enough to vote, never had a job, and here are the credit card companies preying upon their naivete, giving them more credit than they can ever afford to pay back.

Speaker 15 Whatever, nerd.

Speaker 8 I like to think of myself as a conscientious academic. Nerd.

Speaker 8 We, you know, we don't like.

Speaker 15 Nerd.

Speaker 22 But the kids themselves are way into it.

Speaker 19 Sup, dudes, what's going on? You just hanging out, consuming some goods and services?

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Hey, dude, yeah.

Speaker 21 What do you say we bust out of here, go get some low-interest debt refinancing?

Speaker 4 Aw, nah, I don't want to do do that.

Speaker 19 Come on, man. Spring break.

Speaker 16 I know. Look around.

Speaker 4 You want to go out and get debt financing?

Speaker 17 Yes, man.

Speaker 21 You should do that, man. You're wasting your spring break.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but I'd rather just get drunk and have fun.

Speaker 17 Hey, thank you.

Speaker 17 Dude.

Speaker 4 Dude, I totally got her number.

Speaker 21 And a pretty good sense of her purchasing power.

Speaker 22 Spring break marketing is a success because people like Mr.

Speaker 21 Youth know exactly what kids like.

Speaker 14 We really want to show them that a brand understands them as an an individual.

Speaker 20 Let's pretend I'm a co-ed on spring break and you try to market to me. Okay.

Speaker 14 Hi there, how are you? Enjoying today?

Speaker 23 You're stupid.

Speaker 23 Why are you wearing that?

Speaker 14 I don't think you make a very good imitation.

Speaker 11 Oh, what do I have to show my d this gets free stuff? No.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 20 There's my dad.

Speaker 9 I don't think this is making me very comfortable.

Speaker 22 This co-ed was sold. I was gonna have the ultimate spring break.

Speaker 5 First stop, free Roto-V mentholated eye drops.

Speaker 16 It's like fire and ice in my eyeballs.

Speaker 25 Oh, John, Charge, Judge!

Speaker 5 Then it was time to wash it all down with some complimentary fruit-flavored Dasani.

Speaker 17 I've never done that much free water in my life.

Speaker 5 I soon found myself signing things I'd never sign at home.

Speaker 17 Master Card! Spring break!

Speaker 24 Woohoohoohoo! Yeah!

Speaker 5 Sadly, my spring break ended like everyone else's.

Speaker 20 29.9% APR?

Speaker 15 What have I done?

Speaker 21 The only way to cure this hangover was to get drunk and bang some 18-year-olds.

Speaker 11 Dan Bacchado, we'll be right back.

Speaker 2 The world around us is

Speaker 4 let's be honest, we've got some of our own problems right here in Merca.

Speaker 26 Every year, thousands of college students pack their bags, they head to the beach and beach destinations for the most coveted week of the year at spring break.

Speaker 26 We continue to expose what's really going on in spring break in America.

Speaker 2 Yes!

Speaker 9 America's oldest hall monitor, Sean Hannity,

Speaker 10 dedicated not one, not two, but five different shows on the horrors of spring break, including the entire Hour on Friday, featuring a panel of outrage experts there to expose this annual event.

Speaker 2 You will

Speaker 10 believe what they found because you know.

Speaker 27 You have people having sex on the beach in public.

Speaker 28 The abundance of the overdrinking, these young ladies who are disgracing themselves by running around acting like that.

Speaker 26 Women take their tops off.

Speaker 30 That young girl standing on the box with no bottom on it. These sloppy, drunken dudes down there.

Speaker 26 Guys were literally taking their pants off.

Speaker 27 Yes, was high as a kite.

Speaker 26 A lot of drinking, drugs, risky behavior, sometimes with tragic results.

Speaker 9 Shortly after filming that piece, that young woman blew out her left butt cheek.

Speaker 7 Doctors say she may never twerk again.

Speaker 9 Perhaps she'll have to file for

Speaker 9 Twerkman's comp.

Speaker 4 So you did a week of shows on this. What wisdom did the panel impart?

Speaker 29 My daughter, there's no way in hell she's going there.

Speaker 9 Well, that makes sense.

Speaker 9 I assume the same goes for your sons.

Speaker 29 But with my sons, I hope they have a great time. Men and women are equal, but we're different.
If I had a college son, I'd say, here's $100, have fun.

Speaker 4 Okay, let's just all agree that that is sexist and just move on to the more pressing issue here.

Speaker 16 100 bucks?

Speaker 4 He's going to spring break, not Dave and Busters.

Speaker 2 Look,

Speaker 10 you're going to get a call three hours into spring break. Hey, thanks for the 100 bucks.
It got me to Delaware.

Speaker 10 Now I'm just sitting here blowing truckers trying to get down to Tampa.

Speaker 16 I don't know what I'm going to have to do to get home.

Speaker 17 Tell mom I love it.

Speaker 17 Now,

Speaker 10 some of the more skeptical viewers might think this is less of a news story and more of a reason to spend a week running wildly inappropriate TNA footage alongside pundits tsking said footage.

Speaker 4 But you'd only be 99.9%

Speaker 16 right.

Speaker 9 You see, this is also an in-depth cautionary tale about what can happen when children aren't properly raised.

Speaker 27 Where are their parents is what I want to know.

Speaker 1 Parents today really need to get a grip on what's going on.

Speaker 30 It's up to the parents to instruct the kids.

Speaker 26 It's time for parents to start parenting. It really comes down to parents.

Speaker 26 Where are their parents?

Speaker 9 What kind of rotten, neglectful parents would allow their kids to even go on spring break?

Speaker 27 One time I went to Cancun in college.

Speaker 1 I went to Acapulco and I went to South Beach. I went to Auburn University in the South and spring break was huge for all of us.
I went to Syracuse University. It was a party school.

Speaker 1 I had a great time.

Speaker 31 I went on spring break.

Speaker 29 I went to Panama City in 1992. I was at Sharky's.
I may have gotten overserved one or two nights.

Speaker 26 I've been at the Flora, Bama. I've been down there.

Speaker 26 You know all those places. I know all those places.
Right?

Speaker 10 Right, you do.

Speaker 10 So what kind of parents let their kids go to spring break? Oh, right. You're

Speaker 17 parents.

Speaker 10 So you just don't want kids today doing the

Speaker 17 You clearly don't want kids today doing the terrible things you have such fond memories of doing.

Speaker 4 And I guess if they are going to do it, there is one thing you would like them to know. They're doing it wrong.

Speaker 26 What we used to do when we were young, we put a boom hole, hold it up, open it up, and that would calling shotgun.

Speaker 31 Shoot that cup.

Speaker 26 This is called

Speaker 27 funnel. They have to lean back, it opens up their throat, and then the beer is.

Speaker 26 Literally. Chloe!

Speaker 32 And that's just one.

Speaker 26 You gotta bend your knees a little bit. That's the whole trick.
Yeah.

Speaker 18 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 15 Yeah, yeah yeah

Speaker 15 bend your knees a little bit

Speaker 17 yeah yeah yeah show them how terrible it is

Speaker 16 it's honestly the weirdest week of tv i've ever seen

Speaker 32 but perhaps as always the best advice on staying safe came from fox news liberal robert beckel I used a lot of cocaine in my life, and I've got good cocaine and bad cocaine.

Speaker 32 I'll guarantee you the stuff they're selling down here is bad.

Speaker 10 So remember, kids,

Speaker 10 stay in school,

Speaker 10 get better parents,

Speaker 3 and don't go to spring break.

Speaker 9 But if you do,

Speaker 9 bring your cocaine from home.

Speaker 4 I can't stress this enough.

Speaker 4 When you go on spring break, Bring the cocaine you use at home,

Speaker 9 the cocaine you trust.

Speaker 23 And that's

Speaker 15 the more you do blow.

Speaker 33 Let's kick things off with spring break, the one week a year when college students drink and party.

Speaker 33 This is now the second year that spring break has fallen during coronavirus, but things are a little different now.

Speaker 33 At this time last year, many people hadn't started started taking the pandemic seriously yet. But this year, they've stopped taking the pandemic seriously too soon.

Speaker 34 Spring break, state of emergency. Overnight, more chaos on Miami Beach.
A wild weekend of mostly maskless people packing the streets.

Speaker 34 Police shooting pepper balls to disperse the crowd, setting off a stampede. More than a thousand people arrested there since the start of spring break.

Speaker 6 Maskless crowds descended into the entertainment district over the weekend, dancing on cars, drinking in the streets, defying an 8 p.m. curfew issued Saturday.

Speaker 36 Tourists have been packing this popular spring break destination since February, back when Florida's Governor Ron DeSantis declared the state a quote oasis of freedom from coronavirus restrictions.

Speaker 24 Governor Ron DeSantis making the free state no mask.

Speaker 24 We can come and have some fun.

Speaker 35 One guy dressed as the Joker climbed on top of a car with an American flag, tossed dollar bills, and declared COVID's over.

Speaker 18 COVID's over here!

Speaker 18 COVID's over, baby! Let's f it!

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 33 The new Snyder cut is weird as hell. But let's be clear here.
COVID is not over,

Speaker 33 all right? Some random dude can't declare the end of the pandemic by dressing up like the Joker and making it rain. It's not a thing.
Only Dr.

Speaker 33 Fauci can declare the end of the pandemic by dressing up like the Joker and making it rain. And look, you can't totally blame the muscularist partying on college students.

Speaker 33 I mean, this is what's going to happen after Florida's governor called the state a, quote, freedom oasis.

Speaker 37 Like if I put a Starbucks sign above my apartment door, I can't be mad when people show up and try to take a shit in my bathroom.

Speaker 33 But still, there's no reason that you can't celebrate spring break and wear a mask. It can even be part of the fun.
I mean, just think about how sexy a wet mask contest could be. Hmm?

Speaker 33 I mean, we haven't seen mouths in a year.

Speaker 2 What's under there?

Speaker 2 Mm.

Speaker 33 And if we've we've learned anything from Miami, this is just a preview of how much everyone is going to let loose once the pandemic is truly over.

Speaker 33 People have been locked up for too long. Once it ends, everyone's going to be drinking and partying, hooking up with everyone.

Speaker 33 It's going to be so much that it's going to create the next worldwide virus.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Guys are going to be waking up in bed next to a bat, like, uh-oh, I think I did it again.

Speaker 33 Welcome back to the Daily Daily Show.

Speaker 38 Let's talk about spring break, the most exciting week of the year for college students and gonorrhea.

Speaker 11 Gonorrhea, not that bad. Of course, one of the hottest spring break destinations is Florida, where the beaches are as bountiful as the meth dealers.

Speaker 28 But in recent years, the fun has been getting dangerously out of hand and one Florida city has had enough.

Speaker 13 Miami Beach is breaking up with spring break. Shutting down spring break in Miami?

Speaker 1 This year, city officials told those spring breakers to go somewhere else.

Speaker 31 Restrictions, including the closing of the beach at 6 p.m. and liquor stores at 8.

Speaker 6 To drive the message home, a public service announcement that's gone viral. Miami Beach telling rowdy spring breakers, it's not us, it's you.

Speaker 28 Maybe we can talk when you're done with your spring break phase.

Speaker 38 Miami is shutting down spring break? Where else will college students be able to get alcohol poisoning and have terrible sex with each other?

Speaker 38 And who is Miami to get upset with spring break? One in three people there is a DJ. Are they like, keep it down, I'm trying to be super loud over here?

Speaker 11 Now, because of the crackdown, many students have decided to go to Fort Lauderdale instead of Miami, but that's not a good idea either because one, it's Fort Lauderdale, and two, the cops there are hassling spring breakers in a way that might even be worse.

Speaker 25 The brain break descending on Southern Lauderdale, Florida, with huge crowds flocking there after Miami put in strict curfews and restrictions.

Speaker 25 But Fort Lauderdale Police are turning the festivities into a possible job offer.

Speaker 39 We're out here. I'm just spreading the message that we're recruiting right now actively for police officers.

Speaker 40 Sing alongs trivia games to Fort Lauderdale Police, having fun with spring breakers. Are you guys ready? Yay! All right, you got your thinking caps on?

Speaker 25 You ready to go?

Speaker 11 Obviously, they don't have their thinking caps on. Then they'd get a thinking cap tan line, but I'm sorry do you know how bad your spring break has to be to want to become a cop afterwards

Speaker 11 usually when college students get blackout drunk they wake up with a penis sharpie on their face these kids are waking up like why do I have a police badge

Speaker 38 how do you even try to convince spring breakers to become cops are you just like walking down the beach you guys are in good shape would you be willing to get out of shape

Speaker 11 hey I see you're blowing all I see you're blowing all your parents money How'd you like to blow an entire city's money?

Speaker 38 So you're not solving a murder at the moment. Would you like to get paid to not solve a murder?

Speaker 11 I notice you've been sitting doing nothing for six straight hours. You want to keep doing that, but with a gun?

Speaker 38 Crushed a lot of beer today. You want to keep doing that, but with a gun?

Speaker 11 Of course, if you don't want, good job, Desi. Of course, if you don't want to go to Florida, there are literally hundreds of other fun places, dozens of other...

Speaker 11 There's one other fun place for you to to go on spring break, and that's New Orleans. And to prove the Big Easy still knows how to party, here's Fox News with a major scoop.

Speaker 41 I had the opportunity to talk to one lady yesterday, young lady, she's a senior at Texas Tech, and she told me when I asked her, what does she do to prep for spring break, she says she applies her bronzer and then she does cocaine.

Speaker 41 And that really goes to the heart of this.

Speaker 42 That's some story. She applies the bronzer before she does the line of Coke.
She wants to look good before she gets hot.

Speaker 41 I've never heard it before.

Speaker 12 Right?

Speaker 13 That's crazy. And she admitted that.

Speaker 11 Oh, stop. I mean,

Speaker 11 this isn't the first time Fox has talked to someone who's abusing bronzer and cocaine.

Speaker 25 They've been covering the Trumps for nine years. Hey!

Speaker 25 Yeah!

Speaker 25 Take it.

Speaker 11 At least she's doing it in the right order. I mean, this one time, I snorted bronzer and applied cocaine, and it totally ruined my grandmother's funeral.

Speaker 23 But

Speaker 23 the point is

Speaker 11 spring break can be risky. People are abusing drugs.
They're getting into trouble. They're considering careers in law enforcement.
It's frightening stuff.

Speaker 11 And that's why, for the sake of yourself and for your future kids, drop out of college.

Speaker 11 It's the only way you can avoid spring break altogether.

Speaker 38 Great advice, Michael.

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