TDS Time Machine | Thanksgiving

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Speaker 5 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 6 Thanksgiving. More than anything, it's about family and friends.

Speaker 6 But if you don't have any of those either, it's about filling that void with turkey.

Speaker 6 And even though 45 million of them get slaughtered every year, one lucky bird always gets away with it at the traditional presidential pardoning of the Thanksgiving turkey.

Speaker 6 And here on this farm in Virginia, you'll find all the pardoned turkeys from the last 12 years living out the rest of their days.

Speaker 10 Where are the turkeys?

Speaker 11 Ask good old Farmer Brown.

Speaker 12 He knows.

Speaker 13 The breed is genetically designed to grow fast and put on a lot of muscle,

Speaker 13 probably

Speaker 13 much more muscle than their small legs can hold.

Speaker 6 Well, at least it's not painful, right?

Speaker 13 You know, it probably does get painful, but you know, we try to keep them as comfortable as possible

Speaker 13 and let them do what they were supposed to do.

Speaker 8 Which is

Speaker 13 die.

Speaker 6 Ah, Thanksgiving's not just about turkeys anyway.

Speaker 1 It's really about the children.

Speaker 6 The children never forget the thanks in Thanksgiving.

Speaker 10 What are you guys thankful for?

Speaker 14 Poodle that I sleep with.

Speaker 6 The poodle that you sleep with?

Speaker 11 Okay, a little unsanitary, but sweet.

Speaker 15 Who else? I'm going to use my poodle.

Speaker 16 I'm wearing underwear.

Speaker 11 Underwear.

Speaker 10 What else? What else?

Speaker 15 The good food.

Speaker 6 The food. Now that's Thanksgiving.

Speaker 17 Right, right, right.

Speaker 6 Now, who knows what percentage of Americans are dangerously obese?

Speaker 15 Huh?

Speaker 10 40%!

Speaker 18 Whoa!

Speaker 6 And 300,000 people die of obesity-related illness every year. And you know what that means? More turkey for me.

Speaker 6 But Thanksgiving's also about history.

Speaker 10 Now, who else are we thankful for?

Speaker 10 Good, good.

Speaker 6 The Indians. After all, they were the honored guests at the first Thanksgiving, but whatever happened to them? We asked Native American George Stonefish what his people will be up to this holiday.

Speaker 17 All Native Americans identify Thanksgiving as a national day of mourning.

Speaker 17 Because they have nothing to be thankful for. Their lands have been taken and they have been oppressed.

Speaker 17 The pilgrims brought syphilis, smallpox, that to some estimates killed off 90-95% of the population. So, of course, it has to be a national day of mourning.

Speaker 17 Why should Native Americans be expected to forget the arvarice and greed that has been characteristic of the arrival of the European and remains such today?

Speaker 13 So, on a day like that, what kind of pie does one eat?

Speaker 6 In the end, I guess Thanksgiving is a time to remember what genocidal fatties we all are.

Speaker 6 Happy Thanksgiving, folks.

Speaker 21 I hear another one in?

Speaker 23 Let's check in with Produce Pete Steve Corell with a very special Thanksgiving edition.

Speaker 24 Thanks, John.

Speaker 25 Thanksgiving is right around the corner and this pilgrim is feeling pretty proud of his suck attach. Now, sounds funny, but it tastes

Speaker 20 all right.

Speaker 25 It's a traditional soup made of corned beef, fowl, and salt pork. Yummy yum.

Speaker 26 Add some turnip, potato, and boiled beans.

Speaker 25 Now make sure your turnip is a green-topped turnip. You can use a purple top and a pinch, but under no circumstances should you ever use a yellow rutabaga.

Speaker 11 I don't recommend it there, pilgrim.

Speaker 25 I know some of you think I'm some kind of joke, but

Speaker 25 you know, you use a yellow rutabaga and you will ruin the succotash. You will ruin Thanksgiving.
I've ruined a few.

Speaker 23 I'm not a joke.

Speaker 28 Let's talk about Thanksgiving, which I still can't believe is a real holiday. I asked someone what happens on Thanksgiving, and he said, well, we all get together and eat.

Speaker 28 And I was like, so it's dinner.

Speaker 24 And it is.

Speaker 28 Thanksgiving is when Americans clog up airports and the arteries. But maybe this year, times are changing.

Speaker 30 This morning, with Thanksgiving just days away, the new wave of prescription weight loss medications medications are altering how many will approach their holiday eating.

Speaker 30 With the average American consuming more than twice their recommended daily calories on a typical Thanksgiving day, drugs like Ozempic, Wagovi, and Munjaro can be a game changer for those battling with obesity.

Speaker 30 Doctors suggest if you're taking these medications, be prepared to manage your feasting expectations.

Speaker 31 They enable people to have a couple of bites and then say, uh, I don't need to eat a large portion of this. That was enough.

Speaker 28 This is the most American story ever.

Speaker 28 Big pharma created a drug to help Americans eat less and now they're having anxiety over what they're gonna do on the eating holiday.

Speaker 28 Although I will say, Ozempic is great for people whose parents can't cook, okay?

Speaker 24 I mean, no mom, I'm not hungry because of the Ozempic.

Speaker 28 It's not because your dry turkey tastes like shit.

Speaker 28 And it's good when you can get past past the binge eating and focus on the real meaning of Thanksgiving.

Speaker 28 Friends, family, and remembering the time the pilgrims and the Native Americans shared a meal and watched the Super Bowl, and nothing bad ever happened after that, ever.

Speaker 28 For more on this Ozempic Thanksgiving, let's go live to Michael Costa.

Speaker 28 Michael!

Speaker 28 Michael, how will Ozempic affect Thanksgiving this year?

Speaker 7 Well, it definitely comes with its own problems. If everyone in the family is eating less, that means most of the food is going to waste, unless you take it to the homeless shelter.

Speaker 7 But come on, that's like a 20-minute drive.

Speaker 28 Okay, but I mean, I guess the family could just make less food.

Speaker 20 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 7 Let's not go that far, okay? There's actually a much better solution.

Speaker 32 Gluttonol.

Speaker 7 It's a new drug that dramatically increases your appetite during the 24 hours of Thanksgiving.

Speaker 7 You inject Ozempic into your thigh, you inject gluttonol into your neck, and boom, you're deep-throating Aunt Karen's fingerlings all night long.

Speaker 24 Yeah, uh, okay, but um,

Speaker 28 isn't that gonna f ⁇ up your metabolism?

Speaker 32 Oh yeah, big time.

Speaker 7 If only there was a drug that could fix that. Well, guess what?

Speaker 7 It's called Compoxo.

Speaker 7 You pop a couple of these pills up your butt and your metabolism is evened out for the day.

Speaker 32 Okay, okay.

Speaker 28 Hold on, hold on, Costa, you're putting these drugs up your butt at Thanksgiving table. Won't that weird out your family?

Speaker 7 Oh, oh, it will. Which is why you'll have to drug your family,

Speaker 7 introducing happy nerol.

Speaker 7 It sends everyone's oxytocin levels through the roof. Just slip a tablespoon of this in the gravy boat and let the hugging begin.

Speaker 34 Okay,

Speaker 28 wait, isn't oxytocin the hormone that makes people horny?

Speaker 7 Yes, yeah. A family orgy orgy is a possible side effect

Speaker 7 which is why you need demerolin. Just put a few drops in your eyes and voila you're as flaccid and dry as grandma's brisket.

Speaker 33 Now

Speaker 7 you do have to take at the same time as the butt pills otherwise you'll die. Okay, okay.

Speaker 28 Costa, stop, okay, this is dumb. Instead of people taking all these drugs,

Speaker 28 why can't they just not eat as much?

Speaker 7 Oh, oh, I'm so sorry that some of us need a little help to eat less and then eat more and then talk to our family without having sex with them.

Speaker 34 Okay,

Speaker 28 I'm sorry, okay. I guess I just wish there was a way people could enjoy life without putting drugs in their veins and up their butts.

Speaker 32 Well, there is Ronnie.

Speaker 7 Introducing cocaine.

Speaker 7 Cocaine is one of the best.

Speaker 7 Enough, enough. Let's go back, everyone.

Speaker 7 Hey, save some for me.

Speaker 36 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 33 Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 36 And then my chronic hives come back. Again, in the middle of my spa day.

Speaker 20 What a wet blanket.

Speaker 39 Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

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Speaker 23 Nothing says Thanksgiving more than the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.

Speaker 22 What better way to celebrate the white man's dominion over Native Americans

Speaker 22 than slowly parading giant, inflatable children's characters down the street? It's like we're daring them to shoot it down with an arrow.

Speaker 33 Daring them.

Speaker 32 If you still got any fight in you, Injun,

Speaker 20 there goes the Pillsbury Doughboy

Speaker 43 but this year's parade saw a frightening incident happy Thanksgiving everyone I'm Gretchen Carlson some problems today at the Macy's Thanksgiving parade in New York City an 11 year old girl and a 26 year old woman were injured when a giant balloon hit a lamppost near Times Square Surprisingly the balloon that caused the damage was not Disney's new float the lamppost whacker

Speaker 7 instead they really should not let that float in.

Speaker 22 Instead, it was this float, the MM balloon float, which I'm assuming hit the lamppost because they weren't paying attention because they were so busy sodomizing each other. What?

Speaker 32 Why are the MMs doing that?

Speaker 32 That,

Speaker 32 what?

Speaker 32 I don't think that parades until June.

Speaker 22 All right, so it's a strange

Speaker 32 little incident.

Speaker 22 A couple of M ⁇ Ms go off track, hit a lamppost.

Speaker 32 Why am I bringing it up?

Speaker 22 Because if you were watching NBC's live coverage of the parade, you didn't see or hear anything about the accident because NBC didn't report on it.

Speaker 22 Instead, they re-ran last year's footage of the M ⁇ M balloon's less bumpy ride while having the Today Show hosts Lauer, Coric, and Roker read a script live that made no mention of the incident.

Speaker 46 Now, because of today's windy conditions, these characters are on video. And if we told you they were not in a panic, we'd be full of hot air.

Speaker 47 They may be thinking color us clueless as they flirt with trouble.

Speaker 9 Will these classic candymen get out of this delicious dilemma? Hard to say, but when it comes to sweetness, yellow and red continue to melt your heart, but not in your hand.

Speaker 23 I don't know what those guys make on the Today Show, but whatever it is,

Speaker 4 it's not worth it.

Speaker 22 In their defense, this is hardly the first time float coverage has been journalistically compromised. I think we all remember the event in 1937.

Speaker 18 Do we have any footage of last year's landing?

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 18 It never landed here before, you say.

Speaker 18 Hmm.

Speaker 18 Can I get a rewrite on this copy, please?

Speaker 29 Next week, Americans will celebrate Thanksgiving. But maybe while you're biting into your turkey, you should be thinking about black people.

Speaker 29 Roy Wood Jr.

Speaker 1 explains why in another edition of CP Time.

Speaker 49 Hi, welcome to CP Time, the only show that's for the culture. Today, we're going to talk about Thanksgiving, the holiday where we gather our families to give thanks for our many blessings.

Speaker 49 It's also the holiday when your nephew comes home from college with a lot of new woke ideas.

Speaker 49 I don't give a damn what you say, Theodore. I don't think dolphins should get to vote.

Speaker 45 They don't even have hands.

Speaker 49 Anyway, what many people don't know about Thanksgiving is that from the very beginning, black people have been involved in this American tradition.

Speaker 49 In fact, one of the first pilgrims who came to America was black. We don't know this man's name because the ship's records only describe him as a blackamore,

Speaker 49 a term used to describe someone with dark skin from North Africa. In other words, blackamore was the pilgrim's way of saying that black guy.

Speaker 49 Back then, there were so few black people in America that everyone knew who you were talking about. Today, that would only work in Seattle.

Speaker 49 Now, food is another area of Thanksgiving where black people have made major contributions.

Speaker 49 Black people such as James Hemmings, who trained as a chef in France, but unfortunately in America, he was one of Thomas Jefferson's slaves.

Speaker 49 James introduced the dish that we all know and love today, today: macaroni and cheese. Everyone knew about macaroni, but no one ever thought to throw cheese on top of it.

Speaker 49 Thanks to James Hemmings, we now know that anything tastes better if you just add cheese. Macaroni, potatoes, french fries, hamburgers, I add cheese to everything.

Speaker 49 My doctor says I got five years to live.

Speaker 49 But it's gonna be a delicious five years.

Speaker 49 Finally, what would a Thanksgiving Day celebration be without football? A beautiful tradition that allows you to spend time with your family without having to actually talk to them.

Speaker 49 And even Thanksgiving football is a tradition that involves black people from the very beginning.

Speaker 49 In fact, the first NFL game played on Thanksgiving in 1920 featured Fritz Pollard, who led his team to victory.

Speaker 49 Even more impressive, Fritz went on to coach the team, fulfilling a dream that every black man has had for hundreds of years, yelling at white people and getting paid for it.

Speaker 49 Interesting fact, my great Uncle Bebo was also a part of that historic Thanksgiving game. He was the goalpost.

Speaker 20 It's good, Bebo.

Speaker 49 Well, that's our Thanksgiving episode. And from all of us at CP Time, happy holidays to you and yours.
And remember, before the culture, ooh, I wonder if this will taste good with cheese on it.

Speaker 8 Four more years.

Speaker 18 Thanksgiving is coming and everyone's arguing about CDC guidelines or pilgrims being problematic. But what about the non-political Thanksgiving issues?

Speaker 18 For those, I'm here to argue with random strangers on the street and prove me wrong.

Speaker 18 Thanksgiving edition.

Speaker 18 Thanksgiving is the worst holiday. I said it.
I said it. No.

Speaker 15 Why? We mean no.

Speaker 18 Why?

Speaker 50 Family gets together.

Speaker 18 It's already grateful. It already sounds terrible.

Speaker 30 But it's fun peeling vegetables with family.

Speaker 50 Family. Let's do it.

Speaker 32 Peeling vegetables.

Speaker 18 That's your big argument?

Speaker 11 It's not the worst holiday because Columbus Day is a holiday.

Speaker 18 So there are worst. Wait, so you actually genuinely have a good time at Thanksgiving?

Speaker 51 I do have a great time.

Speaker 18 Just how much weed do you guys smoke during Thanksgiving to get through it?

Speaker 11 Depends how much extended family is there.

Speaker 18 So what is the worst holiday?

Speaker 51 I have to say, and God forgive me, I'm Irish, but St.

Speaker 43 Patrick's Day can be really brutal in the city. St.

Speaker 18 Patrick's Day is amazing, because on Thanksgiving, people get mad if you get blackout drunk. You gotta travel, which is terrible on Thanksgiving because it's too travel.

Speaker 16 Well, okay.

Speaker 15 Haven't you heard of Zoom?

Speaker 18 Oh man, after two years of Zooming non-stop, I would love to zoom on my day off with with my family. That sounds amazing.

Speaker 51 It's supposed to be one peaceful day about being thankful, you know, being thankful for like your family.

Speaker 51 Did you not receive love as a child?

Speaker 18 Yeah, that's another thing to bring up with your family during the holidays. Whether we received enough love as a child.

Speaker 34 Did you?

Speaker 18 Yo, this is starting to feel a little bit like therapy. Okay, so just so you know, I'm not paying you for this.
All shoes should have buckles.

Speaker 15 Prove me wrong.

Speaker 47 I think shoes should just, you know, not have buckles or laces.

Speaker 18 Well, let's look at what the you're wearing wait are you wearing dress crocs look pilgrims got a lot of stuff wrong genocide not great turkey could pick a better animal to eat but buckles dude they nailed it first time boom okay buckles aren't appropriate for every occasion like what uh if you're gonna hit the beach you gotta pop on some flip-flops pilgrims landed on the beach with buckles but don't you want your feet to like breathe be open no i don't need people's feet to breathe.

Speaker 17 I'm not Quintin Tarantino.

Speaker 6 They'll make shoes more expensive.

Speaker 18 Sure, but isn't part of the appeal of footwear that they're expensive as f ⁇ k? That's Nike built a goddamn empire base up there.

Speaker 47 But speaking of Nike, a lot of shoes they sell come with Velcro shapes, not buckles. Yeah.
I feel like that's more convenient.

Speaker 18 If you're a goddamn child, then yeah,

Speaker 18 get some Velcro. But if you're an adult, Put on a buckle like an adult.
Pumpkin pie should replace apple pie as a year-round pie. Prove Prove me wrong.

Speaker 45 Pumpkin pie has no taste.

Speaker 10 What the f?

Speaker 45 Have you never eaten apple pie?

Speaker 26 It's got no taste, dude. What?

Speaker 45 It's a squash.

Speaker 15 Okay, first of all, that's racist.

Speaker 51 If you think it tastes better, then wouldn't that make it more special to only eat it once a year?

Speaker 18 This is America. When you like something, you do it every day until you get sick of it.
And then you do it some more.

Speaker 51 Technically, with hedonic adaptation, if you do it less often, then like you get to experience the full pleasure of it.

Speaker 18 Oh man, I feel like I just ate some turkey.

Speaker 26 Okay, Mr. Pilgrim, first of all, when you go to mom's house, you don't sit down and she give you a pumpkin pie.
She gives you a slice of apple pie.

Speaker 26 You tell me why you would mess with America and you would mess with moms.

Speaker 18 Yo, hey, you talking about moms?

Speaker 32 I'm trying to help moms here.

Speaker 18 It's way easier to make pumpkin pie than apple pie. Just open a can and dumb that shit in.

Speaker 26 That's what you do. Look at that.
You're desecrating a mother again.

Speaker 19 Opening cans.

Speaker 26 Those are the second-rate moms.

Speaker 18 Oh, wow. Now you're hating moms now.

Speaker 15 No, I'm not hating.

Speaker 34 I'm actually

Speaker 10 loving moms.

Speaker 18 This person hates moms.

Speaker 26 I I thought only a dad would recommend that. You must be a dad.

Speaker 34 Hey, that's never been proven in court.

Speaker 51 Apple has more variety. Like, you can play around with it.
You know, pumpkins just aren't as varied, so you get sick of it sooner.

Speaker 18 But that's also an argument in favor of how complicated apple pies are. You have to like pick an apple.
There's like 50 different varieties.

Speaker 15 You have to pick a pumpkin too.

Speaker 18 No, there's only one pumpkin. There's no red, delicious pumpkin.

Speaker 15 Kabocha. What? Kabocha!

Speaker 51 Japanese pumpkins.

Speaker 10 No, that's a squash.

Speaker 18 Stop trying to take away my pumpkin pie. I don't want squash pie.
I want pumpkin pie. Yeah, you're instigating the crowd now.
People getting mad at you because you're wrong.

Speaker 15 I'm not proud.

Speaker 51 I have psychology on my side.

Speaker 15 You're wrong.

Speaker 18 Well, we're gonna start a fight in Union Square about this right now.

Speaker 32 Pumpkin, pumpkin.

Speaker 26 When your kid comes home from school or whatever, do you say, oh, a pumpkin a day keeps the doctor away?

Speaker 45 No, that's stupid.

Speaker 26 That's just stupid. You can't do that.
You give him an apple.

Speaker 18 Yeah, but I don't give my kid apple pie to make him live longer.

Speaker 26 Nobody likes pumpkin pie. It doesn't make you feel good.
It doesn't make you feel homey. It just doesn't, it doesn't do anything for you.
It's just a piece of crap.

Speaker 26 Well, that's why you can only have it once a year.

Speaker 18 Well, I guess you win, and so you know what that means.

Speaker 26 I get to have to?

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 18 Be careful what you wish for. Lots of dumb people come up here and argue with you.

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Speaker 53 No se que pediris las navidades, porque ya tengo todo lo que decíaba. Que madonas trajera de regres el magrib.
Y a que zono porbió por tien polimitado. Ese delicious, sandwicher, and

Speaker 53 sonnet cubierto dun intensifa barbecue.

Speaker 40 It's sufficient for legarmes fiestas.

Speaker 53 And no one receives a year, eh? Because also can

Speaker 53 refresh a cualquier

Speaker 53 of Macrib por solo sentene. But Papa, precious participation can bear no puede cominarces with a trover like me.

Speaker 27 Thanksgiving is just around the corner. But with the price of groceries these days, a big dinner could be more expensive than buying Yeezys for your Lamborghini.

Speaker 27 Fortunately, Desi Leidic has come up with some tips for celebrating Thanksgiving on a budget.

Speaker 54 Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Speaker 55 They say that this year is going to be the most expensive Thanksgiving ever.

Speaker 54 Inflation is hitting everything. Groceries, cookware, decorative gourds, even the really ugly, bumpy ones.

Speaker 55 I know I'm tightening my belt this year, but don't worry, you can still have an amazing Thanksgiving without breaking the bank.

Speaker 39 Let's start with the turkey. This year, turkey prices are almost double what they were a few years ago, but there are still deals out there if you know how to shop smart.

Speaker 56 For instance, did you know that you could get factory reject turkeys at Butterball Outlet stores nationwide?

Speaker 57 This one only costs $10,

Speaker 58 and...

Speaker 15 It has three necks, so there's even more to go around.

Speaker 50 You can also check Craigslist for some perfectly good, gently used turkeys.

Speaker 58 Now why should this go to a landfill just because one person already owned it?

Speaker 50 But if your turkey budget is zero, here's a great hack. You just trace your hand.

Speaker 34 Now we're gonna wanna do a little beak and some googly eyes.

Speaker 19 Voila!

Speaker 15 How cute is this little turkey?

Speaker 57 Now you're gonna wanna drench this bad boy in olive oil.

Speaker 54 No one likes a dry turkey.

Speaker 57 We're gonna to roast this at 400 degrees for about one hour.

Speaker 50 Of course you can't have turkey without stuffing, but you don't need to take out a second mortgage or start an OnlyFans to pay for all the ingredients that you need.

Speaker 50 Most of us have perfectly good stuffing already right inside our kids' teddy bears.

Speaker 42 I'm just gonna wanna get in there.

Speaker 60 Just gonna want to take the stuffing, scoop it out,

Speaker 57 just shove it in that bird, get it in there, roast it.

Speaker 39 It's going to soak up all those flavors and really help the turkey keep its shape.

Speaker 56 And the best stuffing is right in the face.

Speaker 39 But let's talk side dishes because this is where the dollars can really start adding up.

Speaker 60 One of my favorites is mashed potatoes.

Speaker 39 They're delicious.

Speaker 19 And I have a simple trick for making a little go a long way.

Speaker 60 So you just make one mashed potato, chew it up,

Speaker 57 spit it back out, and then you want to just pass it around the table for everyone to enjoy. They're mashed anyway, so it will not affect the texture or flavor at all.

Speaker 50 What about drinks? Most of the grown-ups at the table are probably going to want a nice glass of wine, especially when Uncle Steve starts talking about QAnon. And that can get expensive fast.

Speaker 50 But fortunately, you can get the same pleasant buzz at a fraction of the price with Paint Thinner.

Speaker 60 I'm detecting notes of my garage and just a hint of the previous owners of my house who left this behind when they moved.

Speaker 39 This also pairs well with the hallucinations.

Speaker 15 Hallucinations.

Speaker 54 Now, to the most important part of the meal, dessert.

Speaker 42 Pumpkin pie can get expensive, whether you're making it from scratch, buying it from the store, or buying it from the store and saying you made it from scratch, then carrying the shame and guilt of that lie for the rest of your life.

Speaker 59 But why spend money when we already have so much pumpkin spice stuff around the house?

Speaker 57 Like this scented candle I got from my secret Santa three years ago.

Speaker 42 It's an absolute garbage gift, but wait until you taste it in a dessert.

Speaker 57 Just cook it at, I don't know, 200, 500.

Speaker 50 Honestly, it doesn't even make a difference because, as you can see, it comes out

Speaker 56 perfect every time.

Speaker 50 For all of you thinking about holiday weight gain, wax is not digestible, so

Speaker 39 no worries there.

Speaker 42 Comes out the same as it goes in.

Speaker 42 Finally, if you really want to save money on Thanksgiving, just remember the original spirit of the holiday and do what the pilgrims did.

Speaker 59 Steal.

Speaker 54 They stole food, land, even valuables from Native American graves.

Speaker 42 So, why not take a page from history and steal whatever you need?

Speaker 59 Hey, with Christmas around the corner, go ahead and steal whatever you want for that, too.

Speaker 50 Look, I'm Santa.

Speaker 19 Ho, ho, ho.

Speaker 59 Oh, my paper turkey's ready.

Speaker 59 Shit.

Speaker 59 Shit. Gotta get this cutting out.

Speaker 59 Evacuate.

Speaker 59 Evacuate.

Speaker 45 It's almost Thanksgiving. That time of the year, you got to listen to all your worst relatives complaining about things that they just don't understand.

Speaker 41 And this year, the complaining started early.

Speaker 61 Macy's has been drawn into the culture wars, facing backlash this morning over its annual Thanksgiving Day parade.

Speaker 61 Nearly 20,000 people have signed a petition blasting the upcoming event as a quote non-binary and transgender extravaganza.

Speaker 61 They're upset that two non-binary Broadway stars are scheduled to perform, including Alex Newell, who just won a Tony Award.

Speaker 61 The group behind the petition claims Macy's does not have the best interests of children in mind.

Speaker 49 What?

Speaker 45 Wait a minute, sorry, did I miss something? Did we solve world hunger?

Speaker 15 Is war over?

Speaker 45 Is the homeless crisis done? Because a stranger's genitals in a parade is literally the last thing someone should be worrying about right now.

Speaker 45 When it comes to parades, the only thing you're allowed to complain about is the traffic. Y'all do so much complaining.
That's why your turkey tastes like burnt asshole.

Speaker 45 Because you focusing on the wrong thing. Put the internet down and pick up a turkey basta.

Speaker 41 Who's even watching the parade nowadays?

Speaker 45 Did you not finish all of Netflix?

Speaker 45 To be honest, for a long time, I didn't think that the Macy's Day parade was even a real thing. I thought it was just a make-a-wish thing for Al Roker.

Speaker 45 For more on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, let's go live to Macy's in Harold Square with Duel Say Sloan. Duel Say!

Speaker 45 What do you make about the people complaining about this parade?

Speaker 21 I think they need to figure out what they want. I mean, they're so obsessed with gender roles and who's got what genitals, and do we want to make the balloons anatomically correct?

Speaker 21 Do they need to see Clifford's big red dome coming down the street?

Speaker 21 And what about SpongeBob?

Speaker 15 What's in them square pants?

Speaker 26 And can we talk about the fact that he's a kitchen sponge in the sea?

Speaker 21 See, that's always bothered me. You know what? We need to get that figured out before we talk about his dick.

Speaker 32 Listen.

Speaker 19 Parades are gay. All right, to that chord.

Speaker 21 Listen, you got colorful costumes, choreography, ponies, and Charlie Brown serving fades.

Speaker 19 And everyone is happy. Only gay people can do that.
All right?

Speaker 19 All parades are gay pride parades.

Speaker 19 Well,

Speaker 45 you know, not every parade is gay. What about the Klan march?

Speaker 45 Still pretty gay, Miss Leslie.

Speaker 45 Think about it.

Speaker 19 That marching is choreography.

Speaker 19 Those robes as a costume.

Speaker 19 And once again, ponies.

Speaker 41 Now, they're not serving face because, you know,

Speaker 41 but,

Speaker 41 you know, not everyone can.

Speaker 21 I mean, thank you.

Speaker 41 Let me ask you something.

Speaker 41 What type of parade would make you happy? Oh, I thought you never asked.

Speaker 32 Okay, all right.

Speaker 19 Picture this. Okay.

Speaker 21 Morris chestnut, right?

Speaker 21 Leading a troop of Morris chestnuts.

Speaker 41 Dancing under a balloon of Morris chestnuts.

Speaker 21 And rounding up the back as an oiled-up Morris chestnut roasting over an open dual set.

Speaker 38 Dashing through the store, Dave's looking for a gift. One you can't ignore, but not the stocks he picks.
I know, I'm putting them back. Hey, Dave, here's a tip.
Put scratchers on your list.

Speaker 8 Oh, scratchers, good idea.

Speaker 38 It's an easy shopping trip. We're glad we could assist.
Thanks, random singing people. So be like Dave this holiday and give the gift of play.
Scratchers from the California lottery.

Speaker 38 A little play can make your day.

Speaker 28 Please play responsibly.

Speaker 24 Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

Speaker 62 Save on holiday essentials at Safeway. This week, members get a signature-select whole frozen turkey grade A for 39 cents per pound, limit one, while supplies last.

Speaker 62 Plus, 12 packs of 12-ounce cans or 8 packs of 12-ounce bottles of Coca-Cola, Pepsi, 7-Upper Dr. Pepper, or buy 2 get 3 free when you buy 5.
Limit 3 free items, member price plus CRV.

Speaker 62 Also, this week at Safeway, get 6 to 8-ounce Lucerne, shredded, sliced, or chunked cheese for $1.87 each with digital coupon limit 4. Visit Safeway.com for more holiday savings.

Speaker 62 This tonight,

Speaker 22 this is our final show.

Speaker 23 We have next week off. And as you know, next week is Thanksgiving.
Here with some thoughts on the holiday, we have an author of note, a woman of letters.

Speaker 22 Please welcome our new senior historical context correspondent,

Speaker 23 Sarah Bowell.

Speaker 48 Sarah Bowell, nice and senior.

Speaker 48 How are you new?

Speaker 22 First of all, let me be the first to say this.

Speaker 5 Happy Thanksgiving.

Speaker 3 Take Take that back, Stuart.

Speaker 5 What? Take it back? Why?

Speaker 3 Thanksgiving, such an inferior holiday, especially when there's a much better one the day after. More stirring, more inspirational.
It is called Evacuation Day.

Speaker 2 That's a little crass, don't you think?

Speaker 23 I mean, you're on NPR. I know people eat turkey and rich foods, but I think what happens after that.

Speaker 3 I already miss books. Evacuation Day.

Speaker 3 Evacuation Day commemorates the last British troops fleeing Manhattan at the end of the Revolutionary War in 1783.

Speaker 5 See, I thought that was in

Speaker 23 97.

Speaker 3 You know, we signed the Treaty of Paris in September of 83.

Speaker 23 Yes, was that 18 or 17?

Speaker 8 Was it?

Speaker 3 You're familiar with July 4th, 1776.

Speaker 16 Yes, I am.

Speaker 5 The Declaration of Independence.

Speaker 3 That's right, Timmy.

Speaker 3 You know, but you know, the war didn't all take place on that one day. It started before that, and we fought the Redcoats for seven more years.

Speaker 23 Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 5 So why was Evacuation Day

Speaker 23 such a big deal?

Speaker 3 Well, as the Declaration of Independence was being signed, 400 ships full of big, bad, limey bastards started showing up in New York Harbor to crush the piddly little army led by George Washington.

Speaker 3 Washington's troops were whooped, embarrassed, and humiliated until they retreated to New Jersey in shame.

Speaker 23 I believe that was the New Jersey state motto for a while.

Speaker 3 What was?

Speaker 23 Retreat here in shame.

Speaker 3 That's right. This is about you.
Instead of the fact

Speaker 3 that this defeat meant that the British occupied our beloved New York for the next seven years.

Speaker 23 Well, I'm sure they were, you know, pleasant enough occupiers, famous for their hospitality. They had puddings and pies.

Speaker 3 They incarcerated thousands of American POWs in these heinous, rotting prison ships anchored in the East River.

Speaker 3 More American soldiers died in these New York prisons than in all the battles of the Revolutionary War combined.

Speaker 3 Combined.

Speaker 23 Well, it sounds like a lovely holiday.

Speaker 22 So instead of Thanksgiving, you want Americans to celebrate the 18th century Abu Ghraib?

Speaker 3 No, I want us to celebrate victory, Washington's triumphant return to the city he lost.

Speaker 3 Americans are always so excited about the beginning of a war. What if we celebrated how we used to be good at ending them?

Speaker 3 All right, all by it. All right.
So

Speaker 5 How do we celebrate Evacuation Day?

Speaker 3 Well, they used to reenact the evacuation's most dramatic moment when a prison ship survivor, Captain John Van Arsdale, climbed a flagpole, ripped down the despicable Union Jack, and put up the stars and stripes to the cheers of the crowd.

Speaker 3 Thus, thus, later Evacuation Day shindigs often included pole climbing contests.

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 23 Wonder why that holiday ever died out.

Speaker 3 Well, you know who I blame.

Speaker 23 Can only assume Hitler.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 Abraham

Speaker 3 Lincoln.

Speaker 48 What?

Speaker 62 Lincoln? What?

Speaker 3 When Lincoln made Thanksgiving a national holiday, Evacuation Day ended up like one of those shows scheduled opposite American Idol.

Speaker 3 We stopped honoring the 11,000 loyal patriots who perished on those British prison ships. They were offered freedom if they just swore allegiance to the crown, and they refused.

Speaker 3 You remember what Patrick Henry said?

Speaker 23 Yes.

Speaker 23 Mission accomplished.

Speaker 3 No, give me liberty or give me death. But do you know how he died?

Speaker 23 He's dead?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. But he died a quarter of a century later on his farm of stomach cancer.
These prisoners, they literally chose death.

Speaker 3 Shouldn't we thank them instead of some Mayflower cruising Jesus freak corn rustlers?

Speaker 48 No, sir.

Speaker 23 Thanksgiving has a parade.

Speaker 3 Oh, you never heard of the Macy's Evacuation Day parade?

Speaker 2 What are those balloons?

Speaker 3 Those are inflatable lice.

Speaker 3 Prisoners were so hungry they were known to snack on the lice off their shirts.

Speaker 23 Well, I'll make sure to get my kids down there the night before so we can watch them inflate the lice. That would be.

Speaker 3 That's a good idea. Just make sure they're home in time to watch the Peanuts Evacuation Day special.

Speaker 54 Can't anyone tell me why Evacuation Day is so much more meaningful than Thanksgiving?

Speaker 37 You bet, Charlie Brown. Evacuation Day was a joyful relief from seven long years of hell.

Speaker 37 Thousands of patriot corpses were buried in mass graves so shallow that body parts continued to wash ashore for the next 20 years.

Speaker 37 Evacuation Day celebrates the weasel slinking back of the British sons of bitches to the pathetic, scumbag kingdom they called home.

Speaker 37 Thank you. Happy Evacuation Day, John.

Speaker 5 Happy Evacuation Day, everybody.

Speaker 23 Sarah Vowel.

Speaker 48 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

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Speaker 48 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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