TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 3 Pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, two black eyes, and a nasty hangover.

Speaker 4 Today is St.

Speaker 3 Patty's Day, and all over the country, thousands of Angela's asses hit the streets to celebrate, making it a great day for the Irish, but just an okay day if you were looking for a quiet tavern to talk read or have a white wine spritzer

Speaker 2 here in New York parade goers showed their true colors St.

Speaker 7 Paxon's Day there is our heritage we gotta be here to see this parade and respect the other people that are Irish you know what I'm saying

Speaker 2 Some people just command respect for their people, don't they?

Speaker 4 But not everyone celebrates the same way.

Speaker 3 Meet Lucy McLaughlin, an Irish woman living in New Zealand.

Speaker 5 Lucy's stupid.

Speaker 9 For her St.

Speaker 4 Patty's celebration, this plucky Irish lass had someone paint her plucky Irish ass, and then she jumped off a bridge.

Speaker 3 Lucy came up with the idea after her mother got upset with her for partying with friends one night and said to her, And if your friends painted themselves green and jumped off a bridge naked, would you do that too?

Speaker 11 Lucy!

Speaker 12 Lucy you got some spleening to do.

Speaker 13 That was amazing. I remember it forever.

Speaker 3 She then reportedly added, which is a miracle, because after 15 years of binge drinking, I don't remember much of anything.

Speaker 4 Here, Lucy explains how she built up the nerve to jump.

Speaker 13 No, we had a quick little drink before, just for a bit of Dutch courage.

Speaker 3 She then reportedly added, and another few drinks after for a bit of Greek love.

Speaker 10 And that was headlines.

Speaker 10 Big green ass.

Speaker 2 As we just reported, today New York City celebrates St.

Speaker 3 Patrick's Day with its traditional parade.

Speaker 3 Our own Vance deGeneres is there live as we speak and he'll tell us that behind this parade is a rich Irish culture celebrating centuries of accomplishments and contributions to the tapestry that is America.

Speaker 3 It's not just one drunken mob scene. There's more to it than that.
Vance?

Speaker 14 That's right, John. It's one big drunken mob scene, and there's not much more to it than that.
John?

Speaker 6 Well, Vance, how's the parade going so far?

Speaker 14 Great, great, John. It started about 11 o'clock this morning.
Traditional participants include Irish folk bands, local labor unions, and in a tip of the hat to St.

Speaker 14 Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland. Mayor Giuliani and a contingent of New York's finest will use the parade to drive minorities out of Manhattan.

Speaker 14 And John, I should mention that even hardcore New Yorkers really seem to be enjoying themselves today, soaking up the sunshine and using the parade as a distraction to fondle and plant drugs on unsuspecting tourists.

Speaker 14 Then later in the day, the revelers will wind their way through the streets of Manhattan, eventually ending up in northern Manhattan for the traditional beating of the Protestants.

Speaker 2 Fans, I see, as in past years, the parade has banned gays from marching.

Speaker 3 Is there any backlash to that?

Speaker 14 Backlash?

Speaker 14 I don't know where you're getting your information from, John, because I don't think it could be any gayer.

Speaker 14 Men openly marching in skirts, sucking on large pipes attached to hairy sacks.

Speaker 14 Of course, we all know that Colonel Cunner did approve the ban on gays in deference to St. Patrick, who, by the way, changed his name from Maywin Sookett upon entering the priesthood.

Speaker 14 A tradition continued by priests to this very day,

Speaker 14 mainly to avoid the hassles of Megan's Law.

Speaker 4 Thank you very much, Vance. Excellent reporting.
Please drive safely and remember to take your hand out of your ear.

Speaker 6 The nation celebrates St. Patrick's Day.

Speaker 5 Sawdust and Lysol manufacturers celebrate day after St.

Speaker 3 Patrick's Day.

Speaker 6 Saturday was St.

Speaker 6 Patrick's Day and throughout the land, proud Irish Americans poured into one of three million bars named the Blarney Stone to drink green beer and to pretend Van Morrison's moondance takes them back to the hills of old Dunkil Garney Derry, Ghana, Berdine, no Glenner.

Speaker 4 All in all, it was a day celebrated with parades, parties, and the traditional wearin' o' the green, for the traditional camouflaging oh the vomit.

Speaker 3 New York's parade, the country's largest, featured all the fixins.

Speaker 6 How pleasing.

Speaker 4 To the delight of those gathered, the bagpipe ensemble later took requests to play their other song.

Speaker 5 Which is actually that song, just faster.

Speaker 6 This year's parade once again excluded Irish-American gays and lesbians, and once again, they were not pleased about it.

Speaker 6 We're Irish! We're queer! And so are some of you!

Speaker 9 We're Irish! We're queer!

Speaker 6 And so are some of you.

Speaker 5 All right, may not rhyme, but a quick note to the protesters.

Speaker 4 Next year, come up with the chant before the pub crawl.

Speaker 4 After the parade, many in the group made their way to the city's only gay Irish pub, Fistie McCramden Hands.

Speaker 11 It's a...

Speaker 17 There's old Fistie.

Speaker 6 And of course,

Speaker 9 again,

Speaker 3 cowboys drink free.

Speaker 6 And in Washington, President Bush met with Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern to discuss the peace process.

Speaker 18 As the British and Irish governments and the political parties now work together to complete the implementation of the Good Friday Agreement, it is good to be able to count on true friends.

Speaker 3 Ahern then turned to Bush and said, and of course, a true friend wouldn't keep trying to get me to say they're magically delicious.

Speaker 14 I'd really appreciate that if you wouldn't.

Speaker 4 A recent poll! A recent poll found that while most Irish Americans know that St.

Speaker 5 Patrick was the patron saint of parades, few were aware how his parade has become the subject of great controversy.

Speaker 10 Moracca reports on how sometimes the luck of the Irish isn't enough.

Speaker 18 Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day, but Brendan Fay wants to ruin everyone's good time.
What I want is for Irish lesbian and gay people to march in the St. Patrick's Parade under our own banner.

Speaker 18 But you're gay. Your parade is in the summer.
Well, I'm Irish and gay. But that's impossible.

Speaker 18 According to Reverend Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition, the Irish people are not homosexuals.

Speaker 18 And he wants to protect the heterosexual march that is the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Speaker 9 The homosexuals want to reign on

Speaker 19 the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Speaker 18 The Reverend has valid reason for concern.

Speaker 19 They do mouth-to-mouth, tongue-to-tongue kissing. They grab each other

Speaker 19 in the rectum and in the private parts of the front.

Speaker 18 These gay antics could ruin the St. Patrick's Day Parade.
Describe for me the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Speaker 5 Very majestic,

Speaker 14 very glorious, very religious.

Speaker 19 A lot of dignity.

Speaker 18 How can you be trusted not to turn the St. Patrick's Day Parade gay? I mean, look what you did to the gay pride parade.

Speaker 18 Well, it is a gay parade. Yeah, after you people got hold of it.
When it comes to the parade controversy, Reverend Sheldon has science on his side.

Speaker 19 When homosexuals say that

Speaker 19 leprechauns could be gay,

Speaker 19 there is no scientific basis for that.

Speaker 18 So your research has shown that leprechauns are heterosexual.

Speaker 9 Of course.

Speaker 18 A leprechaun is defined as a tiny prancing cobbler with with a penchant for gold. Where's the gay in that?

Speaker 1 I don't see any.

Speaker 18 The prancing part.

Speaker 3 Is that a little bit gay?

Speaker 10 No, no, no.

Speaker 4 A lot of people like to prance.

Speaker 18 But what does mean something is protecting his heritage? As an Irish Catholic, you feel offended.

Speaker 4 I'm a Presbyterian.

Speaker 18 So as an Irish Presbyterian, you feel offended.

Speaker 19 My father was

Speaker 19 English. So my mother was an Orthodox Jew.

Speaker 18 So as an an English Presbyterian Orthodox Jew, you feel very protective of the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Speaker 10 That's right.

Speaker 18 The point is, a fae conspiracy is afoot. Today the Irish parade.

Speaker 10 Tomorrow the Irish.

Speaker 19 Anybody they can land in their court, they're going to use.

Speaker 18 They might go after Liam Neeson.

Speaker 19 They certainly might go after Liam Neeson.

Speaker 18 You too.

Speaker 19 They may go after you too.

Speaker 18 They could even go after Rosie O'Donnell.

Speaker 11 They already have Rosie O'Donnell.

Speaker 11 She's already gay.

Speaker 9 They got her.

Speaker 18 Rosie O'Donnell has a huge crush on Tom Cruise.

Speaker 18 Those gays are unstoppable. If they got Rosie, no one is safe.
They might even get the Lord of the Dance.

Speaker 14 Morocco, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 14 Tell the report. Well done.
Thank you.

Speaker 14 Now.

Speaker 11 Do you think

Speaker 5 that the St.

Speaker 3 Patrick's Day Parade will change if gay people march in it?

Speaker 18 Not really, John. Let's face it, a parade is inherently gay.

Speaker 4 I mean, think about it.

Speaker 18 A crowd of singers and a gaggle of dancers perched atop floats, brightly painted paper mache.

Speaker 10 Yeah, but Mo, not all parades. I mean, what about military parades?

Speaker 18 Oh, John, come on.

Speaker 17 Uniforms, boots, chaps.

Speaker 18 It's even gayer.

Speaker 5 Chaps?

Speaker 4 What branch of the military wears chaps?

Speaker 18 Well, the cavalry, John, Mounted privates.

Speaker 18 I mean, how gay do you want it?

Speaker 10 Thank you, Moe.

Speaker 3 Mo Raka.

Speaker 14 We'll be right back.

Speaker 21 As we know, our streets are boiling over in anger at these AIG bonus payments.

Speaker 15 John Oliver joins us now with more. John,

Speaker 21 we had you

Speaker 20 out there.

Speaker 21 We had you out there talking to the people. What was the atmosphere like? How are people feeling?

Speaker 18 Well, John, I might be a journalist first, but I'm a person second.

Speaker 18 And what I saw this afternoon was a nation in pain. Roll it, Chuck.

Speaker 22 The AIG bonus payments have sparked a populist uprising. People have been here since 8 in the morning, stewing in their old anger.
AIG bonus payment out as close.

Speaker 18 They were here to send a very clear message to Washington.

Speaker 16 The economy sucks. sucks.

Speaker 16 The economy.

Speaker 22 165 million in bonuses just seems morally reprehensible.

Speaker 16 They're the Bank of America. Clearly,

Speaker 16 the government doesn't run the bank.

Speaker 16 The government doesn't run the bank.

Speaker 22 What do you think of the argument that AIG is simply too big to fail?

Speaker 7 Call me to fail!

Speaker 7 They're angry at the bonus skins. They're angry at the bailout.
They want to be heard.

Speaker 7 This woman is pressing her breasts up against my arm in an uncomfortable manner.

Speaker 18 Some were simply too angry for words.

Speaker 16 Best day of the year.

Speaker 11 While others were inappropriately articulate.

Speaker 13 It's because it's a decoupling of performance from pay, which creates a series of perverse incentives that have been very much undermining the credibility.

Speaker 18 And the AIG controversy was just one of the scandals which brought people into the street.

Speaker 16 Bernie Meer made off stealing.

Speaker 8 J E

Speaker 20 T S Jets Jets Jets Jets!

Speaker 22 In the hour and a half that I've been here, John, I've seen people passing out in anger, throwing up in anger, pissing up against the side of buildings in anger.

Speaker 22 All these people, John, working at investment banks just eight weeks ago, now out here to protest.

Speaker 22 That's right. They're angry.
They are angry. They want their jobs back.
They want their jobs back.

Speaker 6 Are you positive

Speaker 15 that that was a populist protest? Because it appeared that you might have been at the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Speaker 18 John, none of us can be 100% sure where I was, but

Speaker 18 there is one important thing I learned today.

Speaker 18 What would that be, John?

Speaker 18 G,

Speaker 18 B, D, S, J, J, J.

Speaker 18 Yay!

Speaker 18 Thank you, John. John Oliver, everybody.

Speaker 14 John Oliver. We'll be right back after this.
All right.

Speaker 1 Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody!

Speaker 1 Yeah!

Speaker 1 Yeah!

Speaker 1 I have to be honest, I don't really know much about St. Patrick, but judging by the way people honor him, his most famous miracle must have been turning nine pints of beer into ten pints of vomit.

Speaker 1 Apparently, this is supposed to be a religious holiday.

Speaker 1 Now, I'm no biblical scholar, but I don't remember Jesus telling his followers to commit literally every sin possible until their body is shut off.

Speaker 23 That's not something I remember.

Speaker 1 Look, obviously, the truth is St. Patrick's Day isn't very big in Africa.
Like, you know, you're not going to get a Nigerian guy who's like, ah, today everyone is Irish.

Speaker 1 In America, though, in America, though, a lot of people don't know this. Black people are the whole reason St.
Patrick's Day happens.

Speaker 1 You see, because by not participating, you can have six million drunk white people screaming on the streets.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But if one black guy showed up, one black guy, the cops would be like, okay, shut it down. Shut it down Shut it down.

Speaker 16 It's a riot. It's a riot

Speaker 4 So you're welcome.

Speaker 1 You're welcome white people enjoy it

Speaker 23 Happy St. Patrick's Day for tomorrow everybody.
It's gonna be exciting. I believe the parade is back on exciting times.

Speaker 23 You know what's gonna be fun this year is seeing some of the people who still want to wear masks but want to be a part of a parade, which is completely fine.

Speaker 23 Some people still want to wear masks for certain things, but they're going to do it. It's going to be interesting to see how masks handle it when you throw up inside of them.

Speaker 23 Because we've done everything with our masks, but this is going to be a great new thing to see how it works, you know? Just like inside the mosque.

Speaker 23 It might actually help because a lot of the time, the throwing up, the thing that makes it terrible is that it goes out. A lot of the time, I've thought, ah, I didn't want this to go out.

Speaker 23 I just could have kept it in.

Speaker 23 Come back before we go. We're going to check in with our new friend Stephen Gobert.
The Gobert report.

Speaker 6 Stephen, happy St. Patrick's Day to you, boy.

Speaker 3 Bigora, my friend. How are you, John?

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 6 I didn't even know that was in there.

Speaker 6 Well done, Seamus Colbert.

Speaker 11 Thank you very much.

Speaker 6 I'm excited for, I know there's St.

Speaker 3 Patrick's Day, and then obviously the Passover parade for my people.

Speaker 3 Absolutely. Yes.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 9 Now they...

Speaker 9 They hurl frogs and locusts at you while you're...

Speaker 14 Exactly.

Speaker 3 Here's what happens.

Speaker 6 We all drink Manischevitz, get in a line, and march.

Speaker 3 Actually, it's not really a parade, more of an Exodus. Yeah.

Speaker 9 Usually we're legal. That was the original.

Speaker 2 It was a great parade.

Speaker 1 Now, here it is, your moment of Zen.

Speaker 24 Tele the morning to you. Top of the morning to you.

Speaker 25 We've got more weather, and then after that, some news.

Speaker 16 Top of the morning to you.

Speaker 12 Top of the morning to you.

Speaker 24 Just a wee bit there, laddie. Blizzard conditions.
Back through.

Speaker 15 Why won't he shut up?

Speaker 24 Talk of the morning to you.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't know you spoke Irish.

Speaker 24 I speak African.

Speaker 12 Thank you very much, Ashley O'Sutton.

Speaker 1 And we'll be seeing you at 11.

Speaker 24 Join in with the Irish dance we got going with you this afternoon. Some clouds are on.
No, we're about to commute this morning.

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