TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day

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Pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, two black eyes, and a nasty hangover. Today is St.
Paddy's Day, and all over the country, thousands of Angela's asses hit the streets to celebrate, making it a great day for the Irish. But just an okay day if you were looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read, or have a white wine spritzer.

Here in New York, parade-goers showed their true colors.

St. Patrick's Day is our heritage.
We've got to be here to see this parade and respect the other people that are Irish. You know what I'm saying? Some people just command respect for their people, don't they? But not everyone celebrates the same way.
Meet Lucy McLaughlin, an Irish woman living in New Zealand. Lucy's stupid.
For her St. Paddy celebration, this plucky Irish lass had someone paint her plucky Irish ass, and then she jumped off a bridge.
Lucy came up with the idea after her mother got upset with her for partying with friends one night, and said to her, and if your friends painted themselves green and jumped off a bridge naked, would you do that too? Lucy! Lucy, you got some splaining to do.

That was amazing. I'll remember it forever.

She then reportedly added, which is a miracle,

because after 15 years of binge drinking, I don't remember much of anything.

Here, Lucy explains how she built up the nerve to jump.

No, we had a quick little drink before, just for a bit of Dutch courage.

She then reportedly added, and another few drinks after, for

a bit of Greek love.

And that was Headlines.

Big green ass.

As we just reported, today New York City

celebrates St. Patrick's Day with its traditional

parade. Our own Vance DeGeneres is

there live as we speak, and he'll tell us

that behind this parade is a rich Irish culture celebrating centuries of accomplishments and contributions to the tapestry that is America. It's not just one drunken mob scene.
There's more to it than that. Vance? That's right, John.
It's one big drunken mob scene, and there's not much more to it than that. John? Well, Vance, how's the parade going so far? Great, great, John.
It started about 11 o'clock this morning. Traditional participants include Irish folk bands, local labor unions, and in a tip of the hat to St.
Patrick driving the stakes out of Ireland, Mayor Giuliani, at a contingent of New York's finest, will use the parade to drive minorities out of Manhattan. And, John, I should mention that even hardcore New Yorkers really seem to be enjoying themselves today, soaking up the sunshine and using the parade as a distraction to fondle and plant drugs on unsuspecting tourists.
Later in the day, the revelers will wind their way through the streets of Manhattan, eventually ending up in northern Manhattan for the traditional meeting of the Protestants. As in past years, the parade has banned gays from marching.
Is there any backlash to that? Backlash? I don't know where you're getting your information from, John, because I don't think it could be any gayer. Men openly marching in skirts, sucking on large pipes attached to hairy sacks.
Of course, we all know that Cardinal Cutter did approve the ban on gays in deference to St. Patrick, who, by the way, changed his name from Maywin Sukit upon entering the priesthood, a tradition continued by priests to this very day, mainly to avoid the hassles of Megan's Law.
I see. Thank you very much, Vance.
Excellent reporting. Please drive safely and remember to take your hand out of your ear.
The nation celebrates St. Patrick's Day.
Sawdust and Lysol manufacturers celebrate day after St. Patrick's Day.
Saturday was St. Patrick's Day, and throughout the land, proud Irish-Americans poured into one of three million bars named the Blarney Stone to drink green beer and to pretend Van Morrison's moon dance takes them back to the hills of old Dunkill, Garney, Derry, Ganech, Burdine, No Glaner.
All in all, it was a day celebrated with parades, parties in the traditional wearin' o' the green, for the traditional camouflagein' o' the vomit. New York's parade, the country's largest, featured all the fixins.
How pleasing.

To the delight of those gathered, the Backpipe Ensemble later took requests to play their other song.

Which is actually that song, just faster.

This year's parade once again excluded Irish-American gays and lesbians,

and once again, they were not pleased about it.

We're Irish!

We're queer! And so are some of you!

We're Irish!

We're queer!

And so are some of you!

All right, may not rhyme, but

a quick note to the protesters. Next year, come up with a chant, before the pub crawl.
After the parade, many in the group made their way to the city's only gay Irish pub, Fisty McCramden Hands. It's, uh, there's old Fisty.
And, of course, again, cowboys drink free. And in Washington, President Bush met with Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern to discuss the peace process.
As the British and Irish governments and the political parties now work together to complete the implementation of the Good Friday Agreement, it is good to be able to count on true friends. Ahern then turned to Bush and said, And of course a true friend wouldn't keep trying to get me to say they're magically delicious.
I'd really appreciate that if you wouldn't. A recent poll! A recent poll found that while most Irish Americans know that St.
Patrick was the patron state of parades, few were aware how his parade has become the subject of great controversy. Mo Rocca reports on how sometimes the luck of the Irish isn't enough.
Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day, but Brendan Fay wants to ruin everyone's good time.
What I want is for Irish lesbian and gay people to march in the St. Patrick's Parade under our own banner.
But you're gay. Your parade is in the summer.
Well, I'm Irish and gay. But that's impossible, according to Reverend Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition.
The Irish people are not homosexuals. And he wants to protect the heterosexual march that is the St.
Patrick's Day Parade. The homosexuals want to reign on the St.
Patrick's Day Parade. The Reverend has valid reason for concern.
They do mouth-to-mouth, tongue-to-tongue kissing. They grab each other in the rectum and in the private parts of the front.
These gay antics could ruin the St. Patrick's Day parade.
Describe for me the St. Patrick's Day parade.
Very majestic, very glorious, very religious, and a lot of dignity. How can you be trusted not to turn the St.
Patrick's Day Parade gay? I mean, look what you did to the Gay Pride Parade. Well, it is a gay parade.
Yeah, after you people got hold of it. When it comes to the parade controversy, Reverend Sheldon has science on his side.
When homosexuals say that leprechauns could be gay, there is no scientific basis for that. So your research has shown that leprechauns are heterosexual.
Of course. A leprechaun is defined as a tiny prancing cobbler with a penchant for gold.
Where's the gay in that? I don't see any. The prancing part, is that a little bit gay? No, no, no.
A lot of people like to prance. But what does mean something is protecting his heritage.
As an Irish Catholic, you feel offended. I'm a Presbyterian.
So as an Irish Presbyterian, you feel offended. My father was English.
My mother was an Orthodox Jew. So as an English Presbyterian Orthodox Jew, you feel very protective of the St.
Patrick's Day parade? That's right. The point is, a fake conspiracy is afoot.
Today the Irish parade, tomorrow the Irish. Anybody they can land in their court, they're going to use.
They might go after Liam Neeson. They certainly might go after Liam Neeson.
You too? They may go after you too. They could even go after Rosie O'Donnell.
They already have Rosie O'Donnell. She's already gay.
They got her.

Rosie O'Donnell has a huge crush on Tom Cruise.

Those gays are unstoppable.

If they got Rosie, no one is safe.

They might even get the Lord of the Dance.

Mo Rocco, ladies and gentlemen.

Excellent applause.

Well done.

Thanks for doing.

Now, do you think that the St. Patrick's Day Parade

we'll talk about it. A crowd of singers and a gaggle of dancers perched atop floats.
Brightly painted papier-mâché. Yeah, but Mo, not all parades.
I mean, what about military parades? Oh, John, come on. Uniforms, boots, chaps.
It's even gayer. Chaps? What branch of the military wears chaps? Well, the cavalry, John.
Mounted privates. I mean, how gay do you want it?

Thank you, Mo.

Mo Rocca, we'll be right back.

As we know, our streets are boiling over in anger at these AIG bonus payments.

John Oliver joins us now with more.

John, we had you out there.

We had you out there talking to the people.

What was the atmosphere like?

How are people feeling?

Well, John, I might be a journalist first,

but I'm a person second.

And what I saw this afternoon was a nation in pain.

Roll it, Chuck. The AIG bonus payments have sparked a populist uprising.
People have been here since 8 in the morning, stewing in their own anger. AIG bonus payments, that is bull****.
They were here to send a very clear message to Washington. The economy sucks.
What's that, I keep my payment? The economy. 165 million in bonuses just seems morally reprehensible.
They're the Bank of America, clearly. The government doesn't run the bank.
The government doesn't run the bank. What do you think of the argument that AIG is simply too big to fail? TOO BIG TO FAIL! They're angry at the bonus skins! They're angry at the bailout! They want to be heard! Only! Only! This woman is pressing her breasts up against my arm in an uncomfortable manner! Some were simply too angry for words.
And best day inappropriately articulate. It's because it's a decoupling of performance from pay, which creates a series of perverse incentives that have been very much undermining the credibility.
And the AIG controversy was just one of the scandals which brought people into the street.

Bernie Mayer made off of stealing.

J-E-T-S. Jets, Jets, Jets, Jets.

In the hour and a half that I've been here, John, I've seen people passing out in anger.

Throwing up in anger.

Pissing up against the side of buildings in anger.

All these people, John, working at investment banks just eight weeks ago,

now out here to protest.

That's right, they're angry.

They are angry. They want their jobs back.

They want their jobs. Are you positive that that was a popular protest?

Because it appeared that you might have been at the St. Patrick's Day parade.

John, none of us can be 100% sure where I was.

But there is one important thing I learned today. John, none of us can be 100% sure where I was, but...

There is one important thing I learned today.

What would that be, John?

G-E-T-S!

J-E-T-S! J-E-T-S!

Yeah!

Thank you, John.

John Oliver, everybody.

John Oliver.

We'll be right back after this. Are you all right? Happy St.
Patrick's Day, everybody. Yeah, yeah.
I have to be honest. I don't really know much about St.
Patrick, but judging by the way people honor him, his most famous miracle must have been turning nine pints of beer into ten pints of vomit. Apparently this is supposed to be a religious holiday.
Now, I'm no biblical scholar, but I don't remember Jesus telling his followers to commit literally every sin possible until their bodies shut off. That's not something I remember.
Look, obviously the truth of the St. Patrick's Day isn't very big in Africa.
Like, you know, you're not gonna get a Nigerian guy who's like, ah, today everyone is Irish. In America, though, a lot of people don't know this.
Black people are the whole reason St. Patrick's Day happens.
You see, because by not participating, you can have six million drunk white people screaming on the streets. Yeah, but if one black guy showed up, one black, the cops would be like, okay, shut it down, shut it down.
Shut it down, it's a riot, it's a riot. So you're welcome.
You're welcome, white people. Enjoy it.
Happy St. Patrick's Day for tomorrow, everybody.

It's going to be exciting.

I believe the parade is back on.

Exciting times.

You know what's going to be fun this year?

Is seeing some of the people who still want to wear masks,

but want to be a part of a parade, which is completely fine.

Some people still want to wear masks for certain things,

but they're going to do it.

It's going to be interesting to see how masks handle it

when you throw up inside of them.

Because we've done everything with our masks,

but this is going to be a great new thing to see how it works, you know?

Just, like, inside the mask.

It might actually help,

because a lot of the time, the throwing up,

the thing that makes it terrible is that it goes out.

A lot of the time, I've thought,

ah, I didn't want this to go out.

I just could have kept it in.

Welcome back.

Before we go, we're going to check in

with our good friend Stephen Colbert at The Colbert Report.

Stephen, happy St. Patrick's Day to you, boy.

Sure and be gora, my friend. How are you, John?

Wow. I didn't even know that was in there.

Well done, Seamus Colbert.

Thank you very much.

I'm excited for another St. Patrick's Day and then, obviously, the Passover parade

for my people.

Absolutely.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Now, they hurl frogs

and locusts at you while you're...

Exactly.

Here's what happens. We all drink Manischewitz,

get in a line in March. Actually, it's not really a parade.

More of an exodus. Yeah.

Usually we're leaving. That was the original.
It was a great parade. Now, here it is, your moment of zen.
It's every morning to you. Top of the morning to you.
We've got more weather, and then after that laddie pleasant conditions back through why world is shut up top of the morning to ya oh i didn't know you spoke irish i speak thank you very much ashley or sudden and we'll be seeing you at 11. join in the irish dance we got going with This afternoon, some clouds are on.
No one about to commute this morning.

Explore. You at 11.
Join in the Irish dance we've got going with you. This afternoon, some clouds are on.

Now we're about to commute this morning. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount+. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but starts driving costs down.

I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Something unexpected happened after Jeremy Scott confessed to killing Michelle Schofield in Bone Valley Season 1.
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I was becoming the bridge between Jeremy Scott and the son he'd never known. At the end of the day, I'm literally a son of a killer.
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