TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carrell - Part 2

We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.

PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.

That's terrifying.

That's fair.

Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.

We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.

I would love to see that.

We're on our way.

I hope so.

PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.

Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Introducing Instagram teen accounts, a new way to keep your teen safer as they grow, like making sure they've got the right gear for riding.
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While most small towns do their best to fight crime and drugs, the mayor of Inglis, Florida, is far more ambitious. I feel like Satan is everywhere.
He's just that type of guy. As a public servant, Carolyn Risher knew it was her duty to protect the citizens from Beelzebub.
Our church had a weenie roast. A light came on in my mind and I said, I want to do a proclamation and I want to do it on town letterhead with a town seal banning Satan from our town.
And so Mayor Risher courageously legislated the devil out of town. Be it known from this day forward that Satan, ruler of darkness, is not now nor ever again will be a part of this town of England.
Satan is hereby declared powerless. I proclaim victory over Satan.
I take this action in accordance with the words of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, sealed this fifth day of November 2001. The effects of the mayor's Satan ban were immediate and miraculous.
But there were some minor issues. Just to play devil's advocate for a minute.
Right. Does this proclamation violate the separation of church and state? No, sir.
Question, answer. But how has the town reacted? How has the town reacted? Wonderful.
Supportive? Oh. I'm not happy with it at all.
It's everyone's right to believe the way they want to believe, and having this proclamation on town letterhead, it sort of shoves it down everybody's throat, like it or not. Why are you in support of Satan coming to town? I'm not in support of Satan coming to town.
So you would say you are pro-Satan? No. So you are pro-Satan? No.
But why do you want Satan in your town? I don't want Satan in my town. Why do you like Satan so much? I don't like Satan.
It was clear I needed to take a different tack. In terms of supporting Satan, why are you? But despite one or two Satan-loving dissenters, it seemed like Mayor Risher's biggest challenge was enforcing her ban.
I am Satan. I'm trying to come into your town.
What do you say to me? You have no right to come into England. Well, I don't care about your proclamation.
I'm coming in. I'm all

evil and I'm coming in. Looks like a nice town to set up shop.
But we can rebuke Satan. We have

that power to rebuke Satan. Well, I'm coming in.
I don't care what you say. Satan, you are powerless

in this town. Imagine I'm Satan.
You take away that proclamation. How are you going to keep me

out of Inglis? We have a lot of God-fearing Christians.

Yes, with Mayor Risher on the case,

there will be nowhere for Satan to hide.

Or will there?

There are over a million species of animals on this earth here.

Here to show us a few of the more exotic ones, our own zoological expert, Steve Crocodile

Carell.

Come on up. All right, that was it.
All right. This will be fun.
This will be great. This will be great.
Uh, Crocodile Carell. How you doing? I'm doing well.
I didn't know that you had a nickname. Uh, I'm sorry? Crocodile.
I'd never heard that before. I didn't know that was your nickname.
Oh, okay. Actually, it's pronounced Crocodile.
I was named after my grandmother. All right.
Well, you know what? Why don't we just get to the animals? Great. Excellent idea.
I think you're going to be very, very excited about what we have in store for you today, John. I'm donning these only as a precaution.
Now, these animals are used to being in front of people. They're used to being handles, but they're animals, right? Exotic animals.
Exotic animals, and they're unpredictable. You really never know.
Is there something I should do? Should I get out of the way? Should I? No, I mean, I'm a professional at this, so don't be too afraid, but if you see one start to leap at you, I'd get away. Okay.
All right, excited about this now this first animal is actually of european descent yeah it's uh it's called canis familiaris yeah it's from the uh from the latin let's get him out of there right now now now i want you to look closely now don't don't be afraid john okay? Yeah. I want you to look closely at this animal's teeth and jaw.
If we can get a shot. Well, I'll have to describe the teeth for you.
Not being too... Oh, are we getting that? Are we getting the teeth? John, if you can imagine, do you know what chiclets are? If you can imagine sharpening chiclets with a file, that's what these teeth are like.
When they attack their prey and consume it, the prey being either something that they have caught or generally with this variety, something from a can or a bag. This, this, um, you'll notice the coat.
The coat, um...

You know what? I actually,

I'm noticing something else.

A superb specimen.

Are there others, uh,

exotically that might, uh...

I mean, unless you have some other

information about this wild beast.

Um, as you can tell,

uh,

they're prone to seizures. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure.
I'm not sure. As you can tell, they're prone to seizures.

The coat is very thick for urban apartment winters.

Do you have any other...

Do you have any other...

Yes.

Exotics?

Actually, I do.

Got that, Campbell?

Yes.

Let's get this...

Oh, I think this is right up your alley.

Here we go. We'll get a shot of this.
Take a look. Right down there, John.
Look. Quick.
Quick. Yes, it's a...
You see it? You see it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a goldfish.
It's moving around. Ah.
Yes. It is.
It's a goldfish. Look at that.
Kind of thing you maybe win at Coney Island. Well, as a matter of fact, this was one of only five existing fish in my friend's apartment.

And even though it is a goldfish, it is not, in fact, made of gold.

It's not. I had it appraised.

Well, do you have anything else? Anything exotic, perhaps? Yes. Campbell, could you bring out the other exotic creature? Could you just...
I think you'll enjoy this. This is...
Us. You know what, Steve? I'm sorry.
That's the same dog that you had before. That's where the batteries go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's very nice.
Listen, I'm a little disappointed because I thought we were doing an exotic animal segment. Oh, you know, you.
You told me this morning that I had to do this segment. What, do you want me to get a Komodo dragon? Is that what you want, John? I'll bring on a big Komodo dragon.
They're not even legal in the United States. Is that what you want? Is that what you want? I'll bring a Komodo dragon.
Is that what you want? Want a Komodo dragon? Because I can get one for you. Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't, yeah. I'm sorry.
Steve Carell. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
That's fair. Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.
We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.
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Recently on this program, I had the privilege of visiting with perception expert Mike Russ.

During my long, long day, I came to realize that Mike Russ sees things other people don't.

Things like counter-rotating magnetic fields, the truth about the alien who masquerades as Donny Osmond,

and even that white t-shirts are not always what they seem.

The white t-shirts can be lizards 12 feet high. These are friendly.
Some are friendly. Some want to eat us.
And now the stunning conclusion of Mike Russ, The Interview. This is one of the reasons why I'm out giving lectures.
I want the child missing children stopped on this planet.

I would love it.

What is the correlation between the 12-foot lizards and the missing children?

They eat them.

The lizards eat the missing children.

So the children we see on the side of milk containers.

Some.

Some have been eaten by 12-foot lizards.

Yeah, and humans. Bob Hope.
Oh, that's Bob Hope. He literally runs the child buying and selling.
So when you get Bob Hope, what could you tell me about his features that give away the fact that he's an alien? Well, as I'm using a laser pointer here, he's got pointed ears here. His nose is pointed and his chin is pointed.
And all you have to do is exaggerate it. He's British.
He's here to control a great deal. So being an alien is bad.
But being an alien and being British. That's where she is.
You have to understand that the British never liked the tea party when we dressed up as Indians. Later, Mike Russ showed me an actual and fully levitating Levitron.
Oh, that's great. It's an example of how they float their cities on other planets.
See, I'm moving this. I can't even touch that.
Okay. Now, how long will that stay that way? All day long.
By the end of the day, I could hardly contain all that I had learned. And as we broke bread together, I was amazed to see that Mike Russ continues to perceive, even while eating.
Jar Jar Binks, is that an actual name? Or is that just some creation? There's a lot of things you need to learn how to reverse, I told you. So Jar Jar Binks backward would be...
What? Skinib... Skinib...
Raj Raj. Raj Raj.
Just reverse it 180 degrees. It's just a trick.
Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Carell. I have to tell you, Steve.
To me, this story continues to be remarkable but somewhat frightening. It really is, John.
And according to Mike Russ, our world may not be ours alone. No, no.
We have 16-foot lizard aliens eating children that have been sold into captivity by Bob Hope. No, well, John, if you had been listening, the lizards are only 12 feet tall.

16 foot lizards.

Well, 12 foot lizards, 16 foot lizards, whatever.

You know, the other thing is...

Bob Hope is one of the most beloved institutions in America,

so you should consider that as well.

Really? You think so?

Thank you. Thank you, Steve.

Thank you, Jon Stewart, or should I say... Trowets-nage? Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.