TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carrell - Part 2

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

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Speaker 1 While most small towns do their best to fight crime and drugs, the mayor of Inglis, Florida is far more ambitious.

Speaker 2 I feel like Satan is everywhere.

Speaker 2 He's just that type of guy.

Speaker 1 As a public servant, Carolyn Rischer knew it was her duty to protect the citizens from Beelzebub.

Speaker 2 Our church had a wheny roast.

Speaker 2 A light came on in my mind and I said, I want to do a proclamation and I want to do it on town letterhead with a town seal banning Satan from our town.

Speaker 1 And so Mayor Rischer courageously legislated the devil out of town.

Speaker 2 Be it known from this day forward that Satan, ruler of darkness, is not now nor ever again will be a part of this town of England. Satan is hereby declared powerless.
I proclaim victory over Satan.

Speaker 2 I take this action in accordance with the words of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, sealed this fifth day of November 2001.

Speaker 1 The effects of the Mayor's Satan ban were immediate and miraculous.

Speaker 1 But there were some minor issues. Just to play devil's advocate for a minute.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Does this proclamation violate the separation of church and state?

Speaker 2 No, sir.

Speaker 1 Question answered. But how has the town reacted? How has the town reacted?

Speaker 1 Wonderful. Supportive? Oh.

Speaker 3 I'm not happy with it at all. It's everyone's right to believe the way they want to believe.

Speaker 3 And having this proclamation on on town letterhead, it sort of shoves it down everybody's throat, like it or not.

Speaker 1 Why are you in support of Satan coming to town?

Speaker 3 I'm not in support of Satan coming to town.

Speaker 1 So, you would say you are pro-Satan?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 1 So, you are pro-Satan?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 1 But, why do you want Satan in your town?

Speaker 3 I don't want Satan in my town.

Speaker 1 Why do you like Satan so much?

Speaker 3 I don't like Satan.

Speaker 1 It was clear I needed to take a different tack. In terms of supporting Satan, why are you?

Speaker 1 But despite one or two Satan-loving dissenters, it seemed like Mayor Rischer's biggest challenge was enforcing her ban. I am Satan.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to come into your town. What do you say to me?

Speaker 2 You have no right to come into English.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't care about your proclamation. I'm coming in.

Speaker 1 I'm all evil and I'm coming in. Looks like a nice town to set up shop.

Speaker 2 But we can rebuke Satan. We have that power to rebuke Satan.

Speaker 1 Coming in, I don't care what you say.

Speaker 2 Satan, you are powerless in this town.

Speaker 1 Imagine I'm Satan. You take away that proclamation.
How are you going to keep me out of Inglis?

Speaker 3 We have a lot of God-fearing

Speaker 1 Christian.

Speaker 1 Yes, with Mayor Rischer on the case, there will be nowhere for Satan to hide.

Speaker 1 Or will there.

Speaker 1 There are over a million species of animals on this earth here. Here to show us a few of the more exotic ones, our own zoological expert, Steve Crocodile Corell.

Speaker 1 This will be great. This will be great.
Crocodile Corel.

Speaker 1 How you doing? I'm doing well. I didn't know that you had a nickname.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Crocodile. I'd never heard that before.
I didn't know that was your nickname.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. It's actually pronounced crocodile.

Speaker 1 I was named after my grandmother.

Speaker 1 All right, well, you know what? Why don't we just get to the animals?

Speaker 1 Excellent idea. I think you're going to be very, very excited about what we have in store for you today, John.

Speaker 1 I'm donning these only as a precaution. Now, these animals are used to being in front of people, they're used to being handles, but they're animals, right?

Speaker 1 Exotic animals, exotic animals, and they're unpredictable. You really never know.
Is there something I should do? Should I get out of the way? Should I?

Speaker 1 No, I mean, I'm a professional at this, so don't be too afraid. But if you see one start to leap at you, I'd say.

Speaker 1 All right, well, let's get to it. I'm excited about this.

Speaker 1 Now, this first animal is actually of European descent. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's called Canis familiaris. Yeah.
It's from

Speaker 1 the Latin.

Speaker 1 Let's get him out of there right now.

Speaker 1 Now.

Speaker 1 Now I want you to look closely. Now don't be afraid, John, okay? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I want you to look closely at this animal's teeth and jaw. If we can get a shot.
Well, I'll have to describe the teeth for you. Not being

Speaker 1 too...

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 are we getting that? Are we getting the teeth?

Speaker 1 John, if you can imagine, do you know what chiclets are?

Speaker 1 If you can imagine sharpening chiclets with a file, that's what these teeth are like.

Speaker 1 Where they attack their prey and consume it, the prey being either something that they have caught or generally with this variety, something from a can or a bag.

Speaker 1 This, this,

Speaker 1 you'll notice the coat. The coat.

Speaker 1 You know what? I actually, I'm noticing something else.

Speaker 1 A superb specimen. Are there others

Speaker 1 exotically that might?

Speaker 1 I mean, unless you have some other information about this wild beast.

Speaker 1 As you can tell,

Speaker 1 they're prone to seizures.

Speaker 1 The coat is very thick for urban apartment winters. Do you have any other

Speaker 1 exotics? Actually, I do. Got that, Campbell?

Speaker 1 Let's get this. Oh,

Speaker 1 I think this is right up your alley. Here we go.

Speaker 1 We get a shot of this. Take a look.
Right down there, John. Look, quick, quick.
Yes, you see it? You see it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a goldfish.
Moving around. Ah, yes, it is.
It's a goldfish.

Speaker 1 Look at that. Kind of thing you maybe win at Coney Island.
Well, as a matter of fact,

Speaker 1 this was one of only five existing fish in my friend's apartment.

Speaker 1 And even though it is a goldfish, it is not in fact made of gold.

Speaker 1 It's not. I had it appraised.

Speaker 1 Well, do you have anything else? Anything exotic, perhaps?

Speaker 1 Yes, Campbell, could you bring out the other exotic creature?

Speaker 1 Could you just? I think you'll enjoy this.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 us.

Speaker 1 You know what Steve? I'm sorry. That's that's the same dog that you had before that's where the batteries go.
Yeah, that's

Speaker 1 very nice. Listen,

Speaker 1 I'm a little disappointed because that's I thought we were doing an exotic animal segment. No f you.
F you. Here's the thing.
You told me this morning that I had to do this segment.

Speaker 1 What, you want me to get a Komodo dragon? Is that what you want, John? I'll bring on a big Komodo dragon. They're not even legal in the United States.
Is that what you want? Is that what you want?

Speaker 1 I'll bring a Komodo dragon. Is that what you want? Want a Komodo dragon? Because I can get one for you.

Speaker 1 Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen. I don't...
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Steve Corell.

Speaker 1 Recently on this program, I had the privilege of visiting with perception expert Mike Russ. During my long, long day, I came to realize that Mike Russ sees things other people don't.

Speaker 1 Things like counter-rotating magnetic fields, the truth about the alien who masquerades as Donnie Osmond, and even that white t-shirts are not always what they seem.

Speaker 4 The white t-shirts

Speaker 1 can be

Speaker 4 lizards 12 feet high.

Speaker 1 These are friendly.

Speaker 4 Some are friendly. Some want to eat us.

Speaker 1 And now the stunning conclusion of Mike Russ, the interview.

Speaker 4 This is one of the reasons why I'm out giving lectures. I want the child missing children stopped on this planet.
I would love it.

Speaker 1 What is the correlation between the 12-foot lizards and the missing children? They eat them.

Speaker 1 The lizards eat the missing children. So the children we see on the side of milk containers,

Speaker 1 some have been eaten by 12-foot lizards.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and humans.

Speaker 1 Bob Hope.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's Bob Hope.

Speaker 4 He

Speaker 4 literally runs the child buying and selling.

Speaker 1 So when looking at Bob Hope, what could you tell me about his features that give away the fact that he's an alien?

Speaker 4 Well, as I'm using a laser pointer here, he's got pointed ears here. His nose is pointed and his chin is pointed.
And all you have to do is exaggerate it. He's British.

Speaker 4 He's here to control a great deal.

Speaker 1 So being an alien is bad, but being an alien and being British...

Speaker 4 That's worse yet.

Speaker 4 You have to understand that the British never liked the tea party.

Speaker 4 When we dressed up as Indians.

Speaker 1 Later, Mike Russ showed me an actual and fully levitating Levitron.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's great.

Speaker 4 It's an example of how they float their cities on other planets.

Speaker 4 See, I'm moving that. I'm moving this.
I can't even touch that. Okay.

Speaker 1 Now, how long will that stay that way?

Speaker 1 All day long.

Speaker 1 By the end of the day, I could hardly contain all that I had learned. And as we broke bread together, I was amazed to see that Mike Russ continues to perceive, even while eating.

Speaker 1 Jarjar Binks, is that an actual name? Or is that just some creation?

Speaker 4 There's a lot of things you need to learn how to reverse, I told you.

Speaker 1 So Jarjar Binks backward would be... What?

Speaker 4 skinny.

Speaker 4 Rajrage.

Speaker 4 Rajraj? Just reverse it 180 degrees. It's just a trick.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Corell.

Speaker 1 I have to tell you, Steve,

Speaker 1 to me,

Speaker 1 this story continues to be remarkable but somewhat frightening. It really is, John.
And according to Mike Russ, our world may not be ours alone. No, no.

Speaker 1 We have 16-foot lizard aliens eating children that have been sold into captivity by Bob Hope.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 well, John, if you had been listening,

Speaker 1 the lizards are only 12 feet tall.

Speaker 1 16-foot lizards.

Speaker 1 Well, 12-foot lizards, 16-foot lizards, whatever.

Speaker 1 You know, the other thing is...

Speaker 1 Bob Hope is one of the most beloved institutions in America, so you should consider that as well. Really?

Speaker 1 Do you think so?

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you, Steve.
Thank you, Jon Stewart, or should I say Trawitz Naj?

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