TDS Time Machine | Jon Stewart Talks to Comedy Icons - Part 2

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 2 It's very humbling.

Speaker 2 Who's the worst guest you ever had on this show?

Speaker 2 The worst. The worst, the absolute worst guest.
Because I really want to. I've been here 10 years.
I want to give him a run for their money tonight.

Speaker 2 You think you could do that? I think I could try it. You had some bad guests.

Speaker 2 I really think I'm up to it. Bishop Desmond Tutu.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 Drunk off his ass.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 You know who was not good?

Speaker 2 Democratic Senate leader Harry Reid. We had him on the show.

Speaker 2 And he was like in a coma.

Speaker 2 Really? It was so weird.

Speaker 2 Are you familiar with him?

Speaker 2 I know who the majority leader is, yes.

Speaker 2 If only you'd been in Times Square for us.

Speaker 2 He'd written a book about his life. I was asking about his life.

Speaker 2 And it was literally as though I was telling him a story he'd never heard before.

Speaker 2 Look at the house you grew up in, and he was like...

Speaker 2 Well, I'm from Brooklyn. Are you from Brooklyn? Yes.

Speaker 2 No, I was just telling you about my life.

Speaker 2 I remember my life. You do remember your life.
You're from Brooklyn. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I could be worse than Harry Reid. We'll see.
I don't think you're going to be worse than Harry Reid. Already? I'm having a much better time.
Is that right? Already. Good.
How are you doing otherwise?

Speaker 2 Are you

Speaker 2 would like to be the worst guest? First of all, Curvy Enthusiasm is a great show. Oh, thank you.

Speaker 2 But why? Can I lean back? Do you mind if I lean back? Does that bother you? It doesn't bother me at all. How about you feel? How about my foot up over here? I don't mind.
Is that a problem?

Speaker 2 It's not very sturdy. Are you jealous that I'm not wearing a tie?

Speaker 2 I am somewhat jealous that you seem very fit. You almost seem athletic.
You see, you have like an athletic build to some extent.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you something? Please. People are a little surprised by my athleticism when they see it, when I demonstrate it.
For example, if we were playing basketball,

Speaker 2 like that, you wouldn't know what to do. You'd be stymied.

Speaker 2 I go around around you so fast. You go, chief, Larry David, he can play basketball.
Let me tell you why I would have been stymied if you had done that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I don't know, I don't play with a ball that small. You were doing the gesture you were working with,

Speaker 2 and you'd be playing with a ping pong ball. You'd say,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 I would be stupefied. So you feel if I went like that? Yes.

Speaker 2 Now I feel we're playing that ball. That's hard to mind, though, because your hands go.
Yes, no, it's got no definite space. But please put your feet up.
Foot up? No one has, that is.

Speaker 2 Have you ever done this before? No one. No one has put their foot up.
Can I tell you something? Yes.

Speaker 2 I'm a little concerned that I don't have the right sock length to do it.

Speaker 2 I'm going to try. I want to well just let's let's look at the sock length because the colour of the socks also an issue.
It's a beige, but the thing is

Speaker 2 you can't show any skin at all on, you know, ever in life, right? When you cross your legs on a man cross. You can't do that.
Let's see. I've got the sock length, yeah.
I've got the sock length.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've got the sock length.

Speaker 2 You're very.

Speaker 2 You know what I would say that you are, if I may? Yes. Not just athletic, aristocratic to some extent.

Speaker 2 I see you have a suede shoe, a suede sneaker. Okay, that's a very good job.
It's very, very bourgeois. Wardrobe.
I didn't pick it up. Is that true? Yes, wardrobe.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Everything I'm wearing is wardrobe.

Speaker 2 In your life, you have a person that picks out your clothes? No, I steal it from the show. Oh,

Speaker 2 they buy it and I take it home.

Speaker 2 Would you wear this? This wardrobe, wardrobe.

Speaker 2 All of it. Underwear,

Speaker 2 I got the underwear.

Speaker 2 Would you have them do the underwear? Is that another, is that stepping up your relationship with wardrobe to a more intimate place? To say to them, you know, I enjoy.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I could go.

Speaker 2 Haynes 34.

Speaker 2 I could say that, yes, I have no idea. What was given to drothers? Is this the outfit that you would, or do you feel, are you costumed? Do you feel or in life? Is this your show?

Speaker 2 Are these your show clothes? And right after this, you're like, oh, I can't wait to get this pullover off so I can put on my tuxedo.

Speaker 2 What would you do?

Speaker 2 I walk out of the house with this and I'll wear it all day. Yeah.
You'll stay with it? I'll stay with it. You won't get a grass stain playing in the yard or anything.
John, this is me.

Speaker 2 You're talking to me, but you know something? I'm not talking to you. What? I'm not talking to you.

Speaker 2 That's not how you dress. You're right.
This is, you know what this is? Yeah. This is, I run a funeral parlor at night.

Speaker 2 And so I always dress there because when you see the families and they're obviously grieving and you don't want to show up, obviously, looking like a ball of people. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I do something that was only a friend would? Please. Your collar's up a little bit.
Is that true? Yeah, yeah. They were telling me that earlier.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Do you know what that is? If I may say it. You've got a runaway collar.

Speaker 2 No disrespect to you. It's a signal I send to my children every night.

Speaker 2 Let them know. That's so sweet.

Speaker 2 I say, kids, watch your daddy, and if you see, I'm going to take one aspect of my clothing.

Speaker 2 That is so sweet. And I'm going to roll it up.
Carol Burnett had this. Yes, I know.

Speaker 2 I have this.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it is about talking to you, but I would like a piece of cake right now. I don't know what it is.

Speaker 2 I honestly feel like Passover is over, and now we're going to have a piece of cake. Bring it up.
Come on, let's notch.

Speaker 2 I remember, you know,

Speaker 2 Saturday Night Live is grueling.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you hosted, you were great on the show.

Speaker 2 I was tremendous.

Speaker 2 Maybe

Speaker 2 I was so good, they said,

Speaker 2 don't come back. You would shame the other hosts.

Speaker 2 But, you know, it's, I don't know if people realize the difficulty. You guys are putting on a 90-minute play.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a long show every week.

Speaker 2 And it was crazy to see just the sets and the makeup and the costumes and the writing and just how much had to come together. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Technically. And the crew never messes up.
They never accidentally put up the hooker set for the president sketch.

Speaker 2 So they never mess up.

Speaker 2 Is that the error that everyone's trying to avoid?

Speaker 1 Nobody ever enters the Oval Office in a hamburger outfit.

Speaker 2 They always get it right. Hamburger outfit in Oval Office.

Speaker 2 Done! I'm submitting it!

Speaker 1 You You know what's so funny? When I was doing Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon, we started, and then you were doing this, and

Speaker 1 all this press, you know, this show is like so popular and exploded, and there'd be all these press things that said, like, Jon Stewart, America's best fake news anchor. Sorry about that.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I'm kind of the only other fake news anchor.

Speaker 1 Because Jimmy's like a sketch comedian, and Colbert wasn't doing his thing yet. And I was like, Dag, Dag, America?

Speaker 2 It's kind of a two-man horse race at that point, but now you got Colbert nipping out our heels. And I'll tell you what, I've seen that kid.
He's the future of fake news.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm thinking.

Speaker 1 When I was at Second City, I was at Second City in Chicago back in the day, and when I first got there, I was a student, and Colbert and Steve Corell were on the main stage, and we used to go watch them all the time.

Speaker 1 And one of the two, I will not say which one, was a notorious ladies' man.

Speaker 2 Can I guess?

Speaker 1 Can I guess? Okay, but I'm not going to tell you.

Speaker 2 But let me guess. Okay.
Neither.

Speaker 2 Was it.

Speaker 1 One of the two was very popular with Colbert.

Speaker 2 Here's what I believe. I believe both could be flirtatious.
I believe Colbert could seal the deal.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say.

Speaker 2 I can't say. I believe at the end of the day, Corell would say this.

Speaker 2 I don't want to go to Benjamin's.

Speaker 1 You know, Colbert would be there with the acoustic kitchen.

Speaker 2 Exactly. He'd be out there with the harpsichord.

Speaker 2 You bet!

Speaker 3 I got. And I just, I came out here.
I want to remember three things to tell you. Tell me.

Speaker 2 I can't remember. I can't remember any of it.

Speaker 3 I got none. I got none.
How are you, pal?

Speaker 2 I'm doing very well. How is the corduroy seems thick? It seems thick for this.

Speaker 3 I had corduroy pants on, too, and somebody said, don't wear corduroy on corduroy. So I switched it up.
This is a whole new thing.

Speaker 3 My wife has been going out and getting me new clothes because I look back at my old

Speaker 3 thing. You know, I've been on television a long time and I've been wearing the same clothes literally on every show.

Speaker 3 So she went out and got me this corduroy shirt, this other flannel one, and a t-shirt.

Speaker 2 But see, I would, and again, this is nothing against the wife, but that is not, that's not a shirt.

Speaker 2 You're wearing, that is clearly some sort of coat-shirt hybrid. That's not.

Speaker 3 This is in New York, because I was going there, she was being nice, and I knew I was going to be cold. Also, I don't try on things.
I refuse to try on things.

Speaker 3 So, like, when I go to a store, she goes, hey, you want to? And I just

Speaker 3 get it.

Speaker 3 And then it's either too big or too tight, but I have to wear it anyways.

Speaker 2 Now it does seem like underneath the new

Speaker 2 shirt jacket or shacket.

Speaker 3 But that's why I had it buttoned to cover the oldness to show the wife respect.

Speaker 2 That's the key to a happy marriage. It's those types of compromises.
Thank you. At what point in that, because we've been married probably on the same amount of time, how long have you been married?

Speaker 3 I've been with the same girl, 14 and married about seven or eight.

Speaker 2 Right. Oh, very similar.
So I've been with my wife for about 15 years.

Speaker 2 Married for 10.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I am just getting to the point where I don't have to change my outfits.

Speaker 3 Now, this is a new thing. She was cool about it in the beginning and then started realizing, you know, she dresses nice.
And I have the two daughters who yell at me for not dressing nice.

Speaker 3 So that became like a factor in the house. When I would come downstairs in the morning and all three of them would say, please don't.

Speaker 3 Then I said, all right, go get me some new stuff, you know.

Speaker 2 You know what I get in the house? And this is new as well. Daddy, I don't like the way you smell.

Speaker 2 That's not you.

Speaker 3 Their nose is stronger at that age.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 My kid,

Speaker 3 if

Speaker 3 She'll say brush your teeth a little better. Brush your teeth a little better, and maybe I'll kiss you.

Speaker 2 That's nice, though.

Speaker 2 And also concern for your health, because plaque, one of the bacteria, one of the leading causes of all kinds of distress, they're finding these days. Absolutely.
So I very much, I appreciate that.

Speaker 2 That's nice of her to do that. She loves her dad.

Speaker 2 You say she, but only one loves the dad? The other? Because you said

Speaker 2 there's three.

Speaker 3 The other one is young enough to get past the stench and get right in there and start kissing me.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's nice.

Speaker 3 For a five-year-old, that just goes, this is really horrific, what I'm smelling right now.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I appreciate, though, the use of the vocabulary. Horrific and

Speaker 2 giant. That was giant for the sandman.
Oh, is that true?

Speaker 3 Horrific was as good as it gets. Horrific and Metamorphosis is a nice one.

Speaker 2 That is a nice one. That's all I got.
Are you going to stick around and watch the Jet game? I know you're big Jet fan. Are you going to stay around and watch...

Speaker 2 I would like to see that.

Speaker 3 My kids want me to get back to L.A. They demanded

Speaker 3 I come home. I said it's one extra day if I could see the Jets Pats game.
You can watch it on television, they said.

Speaker 2 So I'm going to go home and- When was the last time you made a decision?

Speaker 2 That's a good one, John.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 you're wrapped in corduroy. You can't watch.

Speaker 2 You're like a shell of yourself. I mean, you're like a microwavable burrito in that thing.

Speaker 3 Here's what happens. My kids fall asleep maybe 9, 9,

Speaker 3 8.39, maybe 10.

Speaker 3 The wife falls asleep, maybe 1. From 1 to 6, it's like it's bananas.
What goes on?

Speaker 2 You guys gotta see. I put on my old clothes and lay there.
Sand latitudes.

Speaker 2 Yep. That's when the boys come over to the house.

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