TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day

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Welcome back to the show.

February 14th has long been a special day for people who aren't drowning in a sea of loneliness.

But have we forgotten its true meaning?

Nate Corddry investigates. February 14th, the day when we pause to remember the martyrdom of St.
Valentine. As everyone knows, he married couples in defiance of the Emperor Claudius II.
For that, he was brutally beheaded. But what was once a sacred holiday has been turned into a secular orgy.
That's right. There's a war on St.
Valentine's Day. We have chocolate thongs for women.
This is for the guys. And those are very beautiful Valentine's Day sweaters.
A little lingerie. It's a far cry from the St.
Valentine TV specials we remember from our youth. This represents the still-beating heart ripped from St.
Valentine's chest. Let us sup on his chocolatey love for the Lord.
And how are profit-hungry retailers cashing in? I went undercover for some reason to find out. In just 18 short centuries, we've gone from honoring the bloody decapitation of a religious martyr to dogs in boxer shorts.

And innocent balloons turn into wanton displays of sexual perversion.

Do you have a St. Valentine's Day section?

St. Valentine's Day? Well, we have Valentine's Day cards.

No, St. Valentine's Day cards.

Not specifically for St. Valentine's, no.

Yet another example of the war on St. Valentine's now.
Yet another example of the war on St. Valentine's Day.
Bastions of the ivory tower media elite like Harlequin Publishing would have you believe that it's all harmless fun. I've been out to the shops to see how people want us to celebrate Valentine's Day.
How do you explain these? I don't think I have to explain them.

It keeps your juices flowing.

All you people think about is sex.

What about St. Valentine?

Huh?

What about him?

I'm not an expert on that.

I am a romance expert.

Isn't romance expert just a fancy way of saying slut?

No.

Haven't seen enough? You won't believe what's going on in our schools. Heathen craft projects, pagan decorations.
Someone had to put the saint back in St. Valentine's Day.
Now I'm going to starve you. What? Wait, what do you mean? I'm going to strike down the wrath on you, buddy.
I'm going to kick your butt with my sword. No, no, please don't.
I'm just trying to follow God's love. You went against me, and I'm going to cut your head off with this sword.
Right now. It was a lesson they'd never forget, and the school encouraged me to spread my message elsewhere.
So remember, keeping Valentine's Day saintly begins with you. First, instead of giving flowers, sit quietly and reflect on the sacrifice of St.
Valentine. Second, don't take your loved one to a fancy dinner fast and reflect on St.
Valentine's martyrdom. Third, cards are fine as long as you use them to paper cut your neck, St.
Valentine's style. If we follow these simple steps, maybe one day the great St.
Valentine will be honored with the same reverence and respect of his brother, St. Patrick.
On a lighter note, today is Valentine's Day. And for more on love, that most mysterious of human emotions, we turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman.
John, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you, John.
Let me put this to you if I can. What is love? Well, that's really the wrong question, John.
If you've ever been in love, you know it has a different meaning every day.

Some have argued it's always special.

Others, by contrast, contend it's gripping stuff.

A sizable minority even claims it's a quasi-mental illness

prompting the bizarre sexualization of genital-free infants in a daily cartoon strip.

No, John, the question isn't what is love, but why is love.

Thank you. of genital-free infants in a daily cartoon strip.
No, John, the question isn't what is love, but why is love. What does that mean? Well, sexual attraction serves a clear evolutionary purpose.
It's a primal urge that helps propagate the species. You can feel it in this very room.
For instance, as I speak, my air of danger, coupled with my otherworldly machismo, is prompting the release of hormones in both the live and television audiences. But that's not love, it's lust.
I get that a lot. All right, so why is love? Well, that's really the wrong question, John.
You're the one who said that that was... Well, the problem is there are so many different kinds of love.
The ancient Greeks had almost as many different words for love as they did for pederasty. There was eros, passionate love, philia, familial love, arapi, sacrificial love, and mesze, the love of appetizers.
Like stuffed grape leaves. Stuffed grape leaves, I have to admit, are delicious.
Well, if you love them so much, why don't you marry them? Why would I marry a... No, of course you wouldn't marry a grape leaf, that's my point.
You love grape leaves, but you're not in love with them. So you're saying love is, what, a social construct or an idea without any physical basis? Well, yes.
That's been my entire premise. Thank you.
And it would have been successful, too, if it weren't for one thing. The floor is yours.
The prairie vole. The prairie vole.
I don't think that I, uh... John, the prairie vole is an unusual species of rodent.

Come mating season, they find a partner with whom to breed,

but afterward, they remain with that partner

and continue to copulate exclusively with them.

This, as you've probably already guessed,

is where we get the term to f*** like a prairie vole. I have never heard that phrase.
It means to have slow, tender sex with a loving, monogamous partner while burrowed underneath the ground. I thought you were from New Jersey.
I thought you didn't know that. Studies show that prairie voles experience the same surge in oxytocin that happily married humans do, meaning love is an empirically observable chemical reaction.
Meaning, ipso facto, love is real. Oh, maybe, but really it means that love can be sold in a pill or time-release capsule form now.

Now that seems incredibly dystopic.

I agree.

I suppose we're romantics, you and I.

We prefer our love the old-fashioned way.

In an easy-to-inhale aerosol spray.

So that on a day like today, we can wistfully turn to our loved ones and coo,

Darling, let's f*** like prairie bulls.

Thank you very much. and we blissfully turn to our loved ones and coo, darling, let's like prairie bulls.
Shh.

Thank you very much.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Jon Hodgman, we'll be right back.

If a news story falls through the cracks,

Louis Black catches it for a segment we call

Back in Black. It's February, the most depressing month of the year, which means it's time for Valentine's Day, the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
And if you haven't got the money or the energy for the holiday of love, feast your eyes on this. Free, computerized, pre-made Valentine's cards that you can email to all of your girlfriends.
And look, there's even one for Monica. Speaking of which, how about a Monica cigar? And you know these Monica specials are authentic

because, as you can see, they're sitting on the Don Juans.

They're making these little honeys in the Philippines,

and they're selling $20,000 a month.

This is good so I can give it to all my friends.

And just why would you want to do that?

Oh, man.

It's just like when you smoke this,

it's just like reminding you that you're in the Oval Office. Let me tell you, pal, only if it's too soggy to light.
And while romance isn't dead, so many great romantic couples are Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Dodie and Diana. Speaking of which, George Benson has sold his soul to Dodie's daddy, Mohammed Al-Fayed, and written this romantic little ditty for the late lovebirds.
And is it ever good? Dodie. Dodie.
Dodie. Dodie Dodie Diana Diana Diana Diana Diana Man, I just can't get that haunting melody out of my head.
John? Thank you, Louis Black. That was excellent.
Louis Black. We'll be right back after this.
Take us out with a song. It was done.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Looking to buy your first car or home? Understanding your FICO score is key to achieving your life goals.
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Yes, my friends, it is Valentine's Day,

and if today is about anything,

it's about pleasing your loved ones.

And let's face it, no one does that quite as well

or as often as a veteran porn star.

And that's why a rabbi in Southern California

has hired former porn actress Nina Hartley

to teach an adult education sex seminar

for his congregants at Temple Beth Ami.

By the way, the key word on that sign, reform.

The rabbi, Mark Blazer, surprisingly that is not his porn name,

that's his rabbinical name,

explains why he couldn't lead his congregants to the promised land.

The idea was actually congregants who wanted to expand what we had already done

is explains why he couldn't lead his congregants to the promised land.

The idea was actually congregants who wanted to expand what we had already done as part of our adult education lectures

on the topic of sexuality.

And so they said, can we get somebody else to come in?

Because quite frankly, I had thought everything I knew about sexuality,

which is compared to Nina, fairly limited.

Rabbi Blazer was then given the coveted Understatement of the Year Award. Rabbi Pornstar.
So why Nina Hartley at a synagogue? Well, for one, she's Jewish. She does have 18 years of lecturing experience to go along with her religious background.
Not to mention, she gives great kepi. I have information people don't often have access to.
I've had more sex than most people are going to ever have. And if you can learn from me, I'm very grateful for it.
Yes, my name is Shlomo. I'm a 25-year-old Talmudic scholar.

My question is this, Ms. Hartley.

Is it permissible under Judaic law for me to be masturbating right now?

What makes mom and dad happy is good for the family. And one of the things that is given to us from whichever source you say

is the delight in sexual union with your partner. It's a very important thing.
Yeah. Hartley stresses to Jewish congregants that sex is indeed an important part of family life, and she even gives tips on how to enjoy edible underwear.
The great part is whatever underwear you don't eat, you can wrap up in tinfoil and keep for later. In technology news, if you got dumped this year because your ex said you didn't communicate enough, it might not have been your fault.
If you received a mysterious text message this week from someone unexpected, you are not alone. This happened to a lot of people yesterday.
They reported they received messages that appear to have originally been sent on or around Valentine's Day this year. One person tweeted.
So at 2.30 this morning, my phone decided to send a text to my ex-girlfriend from nine months ago. She made this really sweet video of us for Valentine's Day.
She thought I didn't respond. So that led to, among other things, a ruined holiday.
So, you know, that's how today is going. Man, this story is crazy.
Apparently, a bunch of text messages sent on Valentine's Day only got to people's phones now. Yeah, it's a huge glitch that affected thousands of people.
Nobody knew about it. And now it's in the news.
And I bet a lot of guys are using this as an excuse, like...

Oh, wait, wait, you didn't get that giant bouquet

and that diamond necklace that I texted you?

Oh, my God.

AT&T, man.

AT&T.

But, yeah, a bunch of Valentine's texts didn't go through,

and it sucks, but I'm gonna be honest.

If your relationship ended over a missed text,

maybe that was the best.

You dodged the bullets.

Because I don't care what anybody says.

Texting is supposed to be casual.

It's not about an immediate response.

That's why this isn't a problem for old people.

They still send love letters in the mail.

You know, be like,

Dearest Gertrude,

I can't wait to tap that tight

bran muffin of yours.

Respectfully, Harold.

The craziest part of the story,

and this is completely true, the craziest part of the story

is that some people got text messages

from people who have since died.

Yeah, that

has got to be the most awkward

booty call ever.

Can you imagine just on your phone, it's like, you up?

You're like, are you up?

It's Valentine's Day, otherwise known as

the saddest day of the year to go on Pornhub.

Some people think this day is about love,

but really it's about arguing with strangers on the street.

On Prove Me Wrong, Valentine's Day edition. Yuck! Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year.
Prove me wrong. No, I mean...
Valentine's Day is rush hour for love. We have all this pressure from society to take people out.
And if you can't get it done, guess what? Everyone is upset. In Puerto Rico it's called El Dia de la Amistad, which means friendship day.
What are you doing on friendship day? You give your friends like candy and flowers. You get into a fight with your partner over what restaurant booking you could not get? No.
Well then that's not Valentine's Day. You don't have to participate.
Yeah, you can just enjoy the pretty colors. Oh really? You don't feel the pressure of society weighing on you on February 14th? Love doesn't have to be romantic.
I text all my family and friends on Valentine's Day. Oh yeah? I'm sure all your platonic guy friends really love hanging out with you.
Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love. So the other 364 days they can go themselves.
What other day do you wake up and just think about love first? Well, if you're a good person every day. It's an excuse to get up, pretty much, if you're single.
Some people use it to have a baby. Some people use it.
So Valentine's Day is an excuse to . Yo, not me.
Yeah. You know, I do me, but for people that not getting ass, you know, dudes that don't get no buns.
I live on the West Coast now. I live in California.
Yeah. You know, females are a little bit more happier, you know, because they enjoy, you know, sexual activities in their bedroom.
You know, they're not having intercourse in the car, on the side of the street, in the train station. What are you talking about? I'm talking about this.
When you was talking about the Valentine's Day and about dudes putting in the paint. Okay, so is Valentine's Day the worst day of the year or not? No, it's not.
Chocolate's the worst candy. Prove me wrong.
Chocolate's delicious. Pure chocolate, pure cocoa, tastes like shit.
Why are you so angry at chocolate? Because it's overrated. Like if you really love me, get me something that lasts.
Like your HBO password. Sharing the HBO password.
Is a sign of true love. And a sign of commitment.
Yeah, it means I'm going to let this person up my algorithm. What you see walking around, that's chocolate right there.
I'm chocolate. She chocolate.
You see all the chocolate? You see all this chocolate? Don't make this racial. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, I'm not making it racial.
I'm not making it racial. You're right, you're right, you're right.
We use our skin complexion as that's the color. Okay, why, do you like chocolate, the candy? Me? Yes.
Preferably, I like gummies, I'd rather. Sex should be a morning thing, never a night thing.
Prove me wrong. I'm going to have to group this for me.

Morning sex is the best.

Morning sex is the best.

I'm with you.

You got energy.

Listen, people like to go to the gym in the mornings.

Give me dick.

And I am up.

I am.

I am.

I am motivated to start my day.

Like never at night.

Ever.

Never.

When you have sex and then you go to bed.

It's like a really nice.

Listen, there's something called a sesasadian rhythm circadian rhythm whatever it's the rhythm you have as a human okay that's how it looks yeah happens yeah just like that's pretty aggressive yeah there's a morning activity that's like alligators this is what you do in the morning this is a morning activity. That's like alligators eating one another.
This is what you do in the morning. This is like coffee.
This is nature's coffee. That looks exhausting.
How is that coffee? Single people should not be allowed out of their homes on Valentine's Day. Prove me wrong.
I agree. All the single people with side pieces, sneaky links, and you know, they're going to up the day.
I agree with this 100%. Let the couples go out.
I think you are better at this than I am, so maybe you should sit here and take my job. Please.
Oh, okay. Single people should not be allowed out of their homes on Valentine's Day.
Prove me wrong. It kind of feels like gatekeeping.
Like you have to go out and- Get the out of here. Single people need to go out.
They're the ones who need to be out. The couple should stay home.
The single people need to be the ones getting drunk. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life.
How is that dumb? But Valentine's Day is not for single losers. It's not losers.
Valentine's Day is a thing by society. They're losers who couldn't find someone on the most desperate day of the year.
What are they supposed to do? Go on a hit state or something on Valentine's Day? How much of a loser are you? They should be allowed out because they make it fun. Sorry, someone's pissing on the street in Brooklyn.
What a surprise. If you're single on Valentine's Day, the government should send you money.
Prove me wrong. Single people, they have to take care of just themselves.
Yeah, but it's a Valentine's Day thing. If people are sad on Valentine's Day, just send them some money.
Money doesn't make you happy. Oh, really? No.
If I give you 20 bucks right now, would you be happy? No. Yeah, well, fine.
I'll give you 50 bucks. If I give you 50 bucks, will you be happy? I got you, I got you.
There's discounts for married people, there's discounts for family. What do single people get? Yeah, give us some money.
Exactly. Some tax breaks at least.
We're the ones who need it. Exactly.
We're the desperate, sad people who need that money. I wanna say desperate, I do something.
Are you going out with someone on Valentine's Day? Maybe. Do you really want this? It's cute, look at my nails, I want it.
It's a fun day. All right, fine.
I'll prove to you it's the worst day. Come on a date with me on Valentine's Day.
I'll show you it's the worst day of the year. Sorry, man.
I can't. I don't want to go on Valentine's Day with you.
I want to go on Valentine's Day with Trevor Noah. Trevor, if you're watching this, I want to let you know I love you.
I enjoyed your show at Madison Square Garden a couple of weeks ago. You were hilarious.
And I know you like Indian food. Come to Brooklyn.
I will take you out to a nice Indian restaurant and show you around Brooklyn. Love you.
Yeah, Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year. No, I'm so sorry.
it. You guys know what today is, right? It's Valentine's Day! Aw.
It's the one day you can dress up as a baby and shoot people with a bow and arrow and get away with it. And it's really nice to have a day where we just get to show that special someone that we care, isn't it, you know? And to the men out there, that's all you really need to do, all right? Because not everyone can afford flowers or chocolates or a private Kenny G concert like Kanye West.
No. Valentine's Day is just about sharing what's in your heart, all right? Letting your girl know that you love her.
Now, ladies, if he doesn't have flowers or a bear or something, you need to cut him loose. Because clearly he does not respect you for the queen that you are.
I mean, he had all year to save up and now he's trying to say he can't afford a box of chocolates? That's $5.99 at Walgreens. He can't say $5.99.
That's two turnstile jumps. That's all that is.
If your man won't jump two turnstiles for you, you need to cut him loose. And finally, today is Valentine's Day, the day when flowers find out which house they're going to die in.
Seriously, why do we give people roses? They are already dying the second you cut them. You're basically giving someone a hospice patient.
Love them while you can. Just try to keep them hydrated and make sure they're as comfortable as possible.
But there is a Valentine's surprise that's even worse than Rose's, stealing people's money. Well, it is Valentine's Day.
Law enforcement reminding you to keep an eye out for what they call romance scams. Officials say criminals will scour dating websites, dating apps, chat rooms, build a relationship with you with the goal of accessing your financial or other personal information.
The FTC says romance scams cost nearly 70,000 consumers $1.3 billion last year. The FBI sees a large percentage of elderly victims.
Let's talk red flags. This one might hurt, but if they're too good to be true.
Gorgeous photos, perfect job, amazing lifestyle. Make a scammer's job of luring you easier.
If they seem sweet, genuine, caring, talking about a future together a little more quickly than typical relationships, they could be drawing you close to take advantage of you. That's right.
You got to be careful out there. If anyone literally ever

says anything nice to you, call the police. And she said another red flag is if the person has

an amazing lifestyle, a perfect job, gorgeous photos. Oh, my God.
Am I a scammer? Well, for more on these romance scams, we turn to Michael Costa. Michael, it's...
It is so sad to hear about this, especially on Valentine's Day. I know, Sarah, but every holiday is an opportunity for scams.
Last President's Day, a guy on Facebook claimed he was Abraham Lincoln and asked me for money, which was clearly a scam because I had already just wired the real Abraham Lincoln $10,000. There's only one Lincoln, buddy.

How stupid do you think I am?

You're very smart, Michael.

But let's focus on the romantic scams,

because I'm especially worried about how they target the elderly.

Yeah.

The elderly are easy targets because they're so vulnerable

and they're so horny.

Honestly, I'm scared for my own loved ones.

That's why I've started catfishing my grandmother. You're catfishing your own grandmother? As a preventative measure, yes.
The best way I can protect my 97-year-old grandmother from being scammed is to scam her myself. This way, she feels loved, and I put all the money she sends me right back into her bank account.
It's the same way I stop dogs from eating discarded chicken bones laying on the street by eating them myself. I'm sure the dogs are grateful, but how does catfishing your grandmother even work? Take me through this.
Okay, well it works the same as normal catfishing. You create a profile of a charming but believable person.
In my case,

Miguel Gustavo, international art dealer and king of Brazil. First, you like their posts.
Then you

start the DMs. Hey, I like what I see.
Show me what you got under that sweater you knitted for

yourself. Here's what I'm packing.
Come on, Rose. You send your grandma nudes? Well, not my nudes.

I'm going to Come on, Rose.

You send your grandma nudes?

Well, not my nudes, obviously.

I'm not a creep.

I send her pics of guys I find online.

Okay, good.

Phew, I thought you exchanged nudes. No.

No, I mean, she sends me her nudes.

Really?

God. Look, I know, it's gross.
I don't like it either. I am glad she's using the yoga classes I got her for Christmas, but still, I don't want to see it.
Just like I don't want to spend hours texting with her about how her grandson never calls or have her explain every episode of The Yellowstone. It's just Yellowstone, Grandma.
I don't have a choice, Sarah, okay? As Michael Costa, I can't keep my grandma offline, but as Miguel Gustavo, well, I can make sure her money stays where it belongs, in the bank account that I'm going to inherit one day. I guess in its own way,

this is actually a loving thing, Michael.

I hope all the men out there

love their grandmas enough to seduce them.

Thank you, Sarah.

I really am the best grand...

Oh, sorry.

My grandma's DMing me.

Mi amor, please send $5,000.

I'm having my third kidney removed.

Thank you so much, Michael.

Yeah.

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