Hour 2: Can A Playa Get Some Conversation? (feat. Bert Kreischer)

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Mike, you know I have one rule to live by, right?

Don't place parlays on multiple long shots.

Don't say a game is one when it hasn't hit triple zero.

Always drink your Jaegermeister ice cold.

That's the rule.

Everything else is merely a suggestion.

Everything else?

Everything else.

Wearing clean underwear every day.

Well, that's just a personal decision.

Brushing your teeth.

Obviously smart, but not a rule.

Never pee-pee on an electric fence.

Okay, maybe there are two rules, but the one that is 100% that I insist on completely, Jaegermeister must be drank ice cold.

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Damn, that's cold.

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This is the Dan Labatar Show with the Stu Gats Podcast.

Do you get annoyed every time Dan Levittard pontificates about the sports media industry?

Well, too bad, mother f.

He knows you don't give a damn about what he's gonna say.

It's time for sports media talk today.

Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon have signed a three-year

extension for PTI.

I'm going to assume, but cannot say this for sure, that it will be their last contract there because I don't know how much after 80 years old Tony's going to be wanting to do that, even though people around him who love him suspect the moment you turn off that TV camera, he will just wander over to a potted plant and start giving that his sports opinions.

I don't know what the details are on did they make them go to an hour from a half hour because

there was some thought that it would be easy easy to do that,

which would be easy for them to do that, except you've got to pay Tony twice as much as you were paying him if you want him to do twice as much work.

And that might be less easy than it used to be.

One of the greatest sports television shows, top 10 of all time, correct?

Top five?

Like, where are we putting one of the greatest sports television shows there have ever been?

And does PTI rise to the level that's more than 20 plus years of chemistry on television

and able to survive all of the flux at ESPN and at Disney because it's still a monster when it comes to ratings even though very little is a monster when it comes to ratings.

I remember where I was the first time I saw the show.

I think I was 19.

I remember exactly where I was and it was incredible because I remember saying to myself, well, hold up.

Those are the topics they're going to talk about and they're on my screen?

I get to see what they're going through.

That's one of the great sports inventions of all time, that ticker, that timer that keeps them to 90 seconds in the event that you are not interested in that topic, you know, it's going to change in 60 seconds because what they did there is grab short attention spans before, you know, social media, before the addictions, and they're like, we're going to speed all this up for you.

We're going to give you Sports Center in a half hour and how to think about it.

And I just don't know where it would rank in greatest sport.

It's certainly one with the longest run.

It's certainly crazy that it's a daily show, right?

Because I don't think many of whatever it is we'd be nominating for best sports television of all time is going to be a daily show 240 to 300 times a year

because of the need for content.

Top five, Zaslow?

Top five all time.

I'm running out of top ten right now.

Yeah, I have a hard time believing it's not top three.

Of all the arguments I've had with Bugshambi, he tends to win most of them.

He's smarter about sports

than I am.

He also saw that come up on his screen for the first time, and he looks to me and he says, that'll never work.

Because they were bad at the beginning.

They didn't know what they were doing.

There was no chemistry.

Well, they infamously, when the bell would ring, they would stop and look around, right?

Well, they just, yes, they didn't know how to do television necessarily as chemistry, right?

They were very good at radio.

They were very good in the newsroom having chemistry.

But televised chemistry has to be learned.

And obviously, they, what are you laughing about, Chris?

They perfected it, obviously.

Let's get a list of the top five televised

all time.

All right, we're going to get to it in a second.

We're going to go through it with Burt Kreischer.

Let's go through it with Burt Kreischer in a second, your top 10 list.

But let's play some more sounds that we have not gotten to.

I want to start with Jacksonville's owner.

Tony is feeling Jacksonville, okay?

They didn't even get huge games from their skill guys.

Their skill guys are good, and their defense is going to be good.

And at the end of the game, Shad Khan, who is just so very happy to be out from under the stench of urban mire, it takes a long time to recover from it.

He is giddy with enthusiasm, our friend Tony Khan's dad.

This is what we envisioned in January, okay?

Yes, sir.

It's happening here in September.

Gonna go on forever.

You can hear the pain in the way.

Gonna go on forever.

Please.

You can just like, he might as well just be saying, Jacksonville, forever's ambitious.

Can we agree?

Long time.

It's gonna go on forever.

Why was a kicker on the right dressed like the vampire Lestad?

Yeah, he was actually.

I want to get to some coaching sound.

Can someone explain to me why and how this escalated so quickly with Steve Sarkeesian, who's feeling himself after getting dragged with his great quarterback?

The headlines, God, I just was looking back through some old headlines.

Arch Manning built for this moment.

I don't really know what's going on in this clip.

I would just describe this as an awkward back and forth between Steve Sarkeesian and a reporter.

Arch Manning seemed to be having some throwing pains by the fire.

According to who?

Arch?

Arch said that to you?

no oh according to who it just looked like he was he doesn't have any is that is there an explanation to why he was it looked like that I don't know I've never filled I've never filmed any of you guys when you're using the bathroom so I don't know what faces you make when you're doing that

was was Arch in the bathroom it I don't know is that a saying I never film you guys in the bathroom Why'd the reporter lie there?

Yeah, that was weird, right?

Oh, they get scared when the big tough guy.

He's like, oh, Arch.

No, No, but.

Did you talk to him?

No.

This is, I understand that I'm

talking about the bathroom.

I'm pro-media.

You won't let me talk to them.

I'm pro-media, and so I've got my biases, but that's just a scared reporter, and that's just a tough guy coach who's in power and can embarrass a scared reporter who got nervous.

I've never filmed any of you guys when you're using the bathroom, so I don't know what faces you make when you're doing that.

You know, a lot of people have different problems with Sarkeesian.

I think people are deserving of a second chance.

For me, I wrote him off.

You ever see that video of him like chewing out the ESPN field producer while he's in the tunnel getting ready to come out for a bowl game?

I could already make a character judgment on this guy by how he treated that dude.

Arch said that to you?

No.

Why do you lie?

I don't want to make a character judgment about drinking problems because everyone knows that they're an assortment of addictions that run rampant and sickness that runs rampant as well when it comes to not being able to control your addictions.

But it is fairly amazing that Sarkeesian has been able to get that particular job so quickly after being someone who was drinking on the job in his previous, or actually two stops ago, the last time he was a head coach, rehabbed himself the way that many did and do under Sabin, literal rehab, and then comes back and has that job, which is with that quarterback.

He's in a pretty fantastic position given the way that his last head coaching job ended.

It's a fairly amazing story that he would hit reporters with arrogance probably has to do with, oh, and now he feels what the pressure of that job is when you have that quarterback as well.

Probably doesn't feel very good every day.

Yeah, for me, it's just how he treated the field producer.

It's just really bad.

It's a really bad look.

And it shows like how you treat other people.

And like, if you can read into how he treats the media, you can read into how he treats a field producer.

I'm just not a fan.

Haven't been a fan since I saw that clip.

All four have given people multiple chances, and he's gotten multiple chances.

How about this?

Are you a fan of this?

This Brian Callahan, you are in a position where you are in the tank for Cam Ward.

Everyone else is at fault for any of Cam Ward's failures.

He should have been 28 for 28 in his game against Denver if simply everyone around him hadn't betrayed him, who's a Tennessee Titan, including his coach not knowing the rules.

That's a misinterpretation.

I had counted 24 of 28.

Cam Ward would have had the day Aaron Rodgers had if the Titans weren't bums, and that is the fair and reasonable analysis from Mike Ryan.

Calvin Ridley could not catch balls that were too hot to handle, but let's hear.

They could have been handled.

All right.

Make a play for the young man.

And that's what I was saying the entire game.

But the rookie from Stanford that put up 200-plus yards on Travis Hunter, this is an exciting draft pick, Tony Omey with the name, because I don't want to mispronounce it.

That's right.

So,

young man makes a play, goes up there, catches the ball, elbow comes down in bounds, the rest of the body falls out of bounds, and I'm watching at home.

This CD is, NASCAR is on the main, for those that don't know.

Isn't that inbounds?

Should be inbounds.

I thought so.

I thought I knew ball.

Apparently, I didn't know ball.

They didn't challenge it.

It's not challenged.

They didn't take a look at it.

I see the replay on the TV.

I'm like, elbow came down.

I thought the elbow, you know.

Does one elbow equal two feet?

Well, let's see.

You're asking the right question.

I feel like I've heard that before.

We all thought that.

Butt cheek.

What are the things that equal two feet?

Knee.

Butt cheek.

Elbow.

All of those things equal.

Is there anything else that shoulder possible?

Face, teeth,

shin, shin.

We've seen that play out before, but I found it very odd.

What about head?

Head?

I don't know.

If your head lands in bounds and then your feet land out of bounds, is your head two feet towards the ball?

We've never seen that before.

But maybe we will one day, so it's important to establish that.

But one butt, one butt is a butt, correct?

One cheek, two feet.

I got to think the head is down in bounds if the shin is.

Like, comes down head first

and then falls down.

If you land on the top of your helmet and then your feet land out of bounds, that's going to be no catch.

Which head?

Oh, really?

He was workshopping that for eight and we were like,

don't do it.

Really?

And he was like, I'm confused.

He's doing the dick joke.

All right, put it on the poll.

Is the penis, does it count as two feet?

The penis doesn't count as two feet.

So you and I, you think Justice's penis would land in bounds and the rest of his body out of an elbow?

I mean, what's the difference?

There's pants.

What is the rule?

So, we knew ball.

The elbow comes out in bounds.

That counts as a knee.

That counts as two feet.

I feel like I've heard that before.

So let's hear the head coach, Brian Callahan, after the game, and then Brian Callahan upon reflection, first after the game.

Yeah, you got to get a foot inbounds too.

Which we didn't have a clean look at whether his foot was down as well.

An elbow doesn't equal two feet, so his foot would have had to come down as well.

We didn't have a clean look, so the call from upstairs was that it wasn't worth challenging.

So, Zaz, you and I, very clearly idiots.

There is no way that you have to have an elbow and a foot.

There's no way that's the rule.

Well, an elbow and a foot

that equals two feet.

What is the rule?

What is the damn rule?

Dan, an elbow worth two feet or does it not work two feet?

Dan, he had conviction when he spoke.

You're an idiot for thinking an elbow is down in bounds.

Let's hear Mr.

Callahan upon reflection.

The conversation about the play with Ellick

and challenging the play and what I said after the game.

And look, ultimately,

my interpretation of the rule was wrong.

We should have challenged the play, and

that's pretty much all I can say about it.

Is I'll own a mistake, should have challenged it, and that's where it stands.

That process and how those things get relayed, you know, I'll keep those in-house.

But, you know, I'm the head coach of the football team, and my job is to make those decisions.

And I didn't do a good enough job in that moment.

I should have challenged it.

And

it probably would have resulted in a potential explosive play.

And this is how you say I'm not blaming anyone while blaming you.

He wanted to blame somebody else there, Dan.

No, no.

He didn't know the rules.

I said that in your ear, and then you sounded like somebody in System of a Down, just like in the middle of that.

Yeah, he wanted to.

But I'm glad as someone that champions, admitting when you were wrong, it only took our man a day.

And head coach is notoriously stubborn.

So good on you, Mr.

Callahan.

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Howdy, folks, it's Mike Ryan.

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Don Lebatard.

I've never stepped foot on that campus.

If you told me right now your life depends on it, go to Santa Fe University and just

take a picture.

Stugats.

I would die.

I don't know where it is.

This is the Don Lebatar show with the Stugats.

He is a comedian.

He's a podcast host.

He is a machine.

He's got a couple of hilarious podcasts.

Two Bears One Cave with Tom Segura.

He's been off for a while and he's got the Burt Cast and he's got something's burning.

You can see him at the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival in Vancouver this weekend, September 12th.

His permission to party, world tour, tour dates, and tickets are available at burtburtburt.com.

He is working very hard.

He is always working, and he loves his sports.

So let's include him on a couple of conversations we're having.

What equals two feet, Bert, as a catch in the NFL?

Does the elbow count as two feet?

An elbow, an ear, or a nose all count.

They're all specific, but yeah.

They should.

How about an ass cheek?

An ass cheek counts as two feet?

If you drag it, yeah.

if you drag it.

If you drag an ass cheek, what else you got said?

What if you just land on your head and then the rest of your body falls out of bounds?

Catch?

Catch.

100% of catch.

Okay, good.

We're doing the rules.

Mike, you want to give Bert your top 10 sports television shows of all time now that Tony and Mike have signed a three-year extension?

I assume.

We got to assume it's the last one.

No, are you assuming it's the last one?

No, you got three years?

I didn't get three years.

I didn't get three years.

Number 10: George Michael Sports Machine.

I I mean, just an OG inspired so many other shows that followed it.

Any thoughts there, Kreischer?

You believe that or you're out on that?

I'm out.

I've never heard of it.

Okay.

Believe it or not, one half of Wham hosted a sports highlight.

That's not true.

No, no, you're messing with me.

You're messing.

Again, let's play this game.

No, no, no.

We can play real or fake podcasts later on, though.

Yes, we will play it.

We'll do that.

Number nine, around the horn.

Number eight, Sunday.

NFL County.

You thought there was a show that was just called Sunday?

What's going on there?

Number seven, baseball tonight.

Great jingle.

Do you remember when baseball was interesting?

That's a good point by you.

Do you remember when baseball?

Do you remember Saturday baseball when you'd go play the league and then you'd come home and you'd watch the highlights and you were like, man, I want to play for the rest of my life.

And then you're just like, nah, I'll just do testosterone.

You remember Web Gems?

You remember Diamond Notes with Peter Gammons?

That's when baseball was baseball, pal.

That's when America knew who their enemy was.

That's right.

Amen.

Number six, inside the NFL.

Number five, real sports.

Number four, porn and the interruption.

Number three, inside the NBA.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, with Shaq, with Shaq and Barkley, right?

Yes.

Number two, College Game Day.

Number one.

Hold on, slow down.

Slow down.

Slow down.

I just got my pants off.

We can't just go straight into it.

Number one.

Number one, tease me.

Tease me.

Hold on.

Hold on, Mike.

Do you have any objections before we get to number one?

Do you have, Bert, do you have any objections to anything he's put on the list?

Do you have anything that you would rank higher?

No, there's nothing that I'd mess with.

I mean, nothing I'd mess with right now, except

I know what number one should be.

Okay.

Are you okay with inside the NBA being behind College Game Day?

Personally, no.

I think Shaq and Charles Barkley are two of the most fascinating individuals in the entire world.

To watch Shaq eat the hottest chip challenge is one of the greatest pieces of footage I've seen in my entire life.

I still say that.

Anytime I eat something spicy.

Number one.

I need you to tease me.

I need you to tease me.

Number one, this was a star-making vehicle.

This was late night for a generation.

These were the VJs of kids for the 90s.

This was Sports Center.

I say this was Sports Center because Stuart Scott.

Yes.

Stuart Scott.

Name him more.

Dan Patrick, Rich Eisen.

Rich Eisen.

Dude, let me tell you something.

I had dinner with

Stuart Scott when I first started stand-up in New York.

And

I was drunk.

And I was like, and I know you have to be a real Sports Center fan to remember.

He came in and stirred things up.

He stirred everything up because all of a sudden he was coming in with potential, like, just like booyah right back at you

remember that he was just black yeah that's how he stirred it up but you remember that was stirring things up we're talking about 19

it was it still is burnt it still is burnt it still is i'm not totally comfortable with club sheacher anyway

but

i mean i gotta be honest talk about us every now and then you know what i mean gonna kill you

I had dinner with him and I got to talk to him about that.

And he broke down.

He broke down everything that was happening internally at ESPN with the way he was talking and the way he was being representing the thing.

And it was the most fascinating conversation I've ever had.

And that's the only time I ever met him.

What a bar.

He was just black, though.

Like what happened?

The shocking thing that he was is that Rich Eisen was there.

And then here comes the guy who's black.

It happens that way so much, 48 hours.

Trading space.

It's a staple of Americana, really, if you think about it.

It's how it works.

But Bert, every time we talk to you, your life gets crazier and crazier.

And

I got to be honest, I feel for you sometimes because I feel like you get hurt by some of the stuff, wherever it is that you're polarizing, as opposed to it being 100% laughter.

And I want you to just enjoy your life because it seems like everything great is happening in your life.

Everything great is happening in my life.

Are you kidding me?

I gave the pump-up speech at Florida State before we took our first game this year.

It was one of the greatest moments of my entire life.

Florida State's having a great season.

The Bucs are having a great season.

I am the happiest kid in town.

I'm getting ready to go on tour.

I just wrapped my TV show for Netflix.

I got, I haven't drank in two days.

Come on, I feel like Superman.

How is it that you've been in the last six months in terms of running into folks where you're like, how is this my life?

Because every time we talk to you, your life gets a little bit crazier in terms of whose company you're keeping.

Be more specific.

Oh, I just, I don't know.

Every Every day for you brings some sort of absurdity, does it not?

Where you're looking around and saying, how did I get from, you know, partying more than anyone in the history of Florida State University to why am I sitting next to this person?

I'll tell you what, we had a crazy experience.

Me and Tommy went to that Florida State game, and I was with Warwick Dunn and Danny Connell.

Now, if you remember.

Like in the 90s, the Choke Doke was like one of the biggest games I ever remember watching.

And I remember that being orchestrated by Danny Connell and Warwick Dunn.

Now, Warwick didn't score a lot of touchdowns in that game, but he was just invaluable.

And there I am in the president's box or right just outside the media box, shirtless, holding on to Warwick Dunn and Danny Connell with Tom Segura, my best friend.

And I thought to myself, if you had told me in 1993 or 1994 that I would be shirtless in this stadium with Warwick Dunn and Danny Connell, I'd be like, are they running a train on me?

What was it like for you to do that speech?

Were you nervous being in front of of a stadium?

You're playing giant venues now, but specifically because of your reverence for that program, how nervous were you before just getting in front of those people and just saying a few words?

So I was terrified all the way.

I was terrified all morning and the week leading up to it.

And then the second I got on the field, Tommy pulled me aside and Kirk Fox's opener.

And they said, talk with them, not at them.

You're one of them.

And the second they said that, I realized I am that kid that sat in those end zone stadium bleachers when they were wooden bleachers, watching Dan Maui play Miami going right, wide, right?

I am that kid that the first time I saw the spear go down, and I just was supposed to just say, God bless America, God bless the troops, ladies and gentlemen.

Start your engines, I think.

That's all they wanted me to do.

And I just went on a rant about this is the house that Bobby Bowden built.

When that spear hit that 50-yard line, tears streamed down my face.

Those tears were garnet and gold.

Ladies and gentlemen, Alabama has no idea what house they just stepped into i have two words to say go

no

and i'm talking when 90 000 people erupt

that's when you storm the capitol i mean that's like that's i mean that's like that's like i mean that's like stalin mussolini that other guy's kind of stuff that's i mean that moves a country lifetime tickets to any team only one team who you picking

oh the indiana fever

uh college or pro football best tailgate oh college without a doubt here's

and i don't mean to be disrespectful

but let's be very honest at least there's a a a litmus of education at a college tailgate when you go to a like a bills or a steelers tailgate you don't need to have any education you could just be a dude fresh out of prison

Now, there's barring none, my University of Miami, of course, obviously that doesn't matter.

But at any other college, you need some sort of level of education to get to the tailgate.

College tailgate, 100%.

Why are you wearing two watches?

I'm not.

One's a whoop.

What do you got there?

No, the other side.

What do you got going on there?

No, this is a GMT Master 2.

Nice.

What's the longest you've gone without wearing a shirt?

Oh, that would have to be Hawaii.

I didn't wear a shirt to dinner two nights in a row because there were private rooms.

And so I was just coming straight off the beach.

And that was four days straight.

Four days straight.

And by the way, no shower, no shirt.

I count the ocean and anyone in Miami would count the ocean as a shower.

Put it on the poll at Lebatard's show.

Does the ocean count as a shower?

I think salt water is something you should want to get off your body.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I don't, you can rinse.

You can rinse if you want.

But if you go into the ocean, you are clean.

The Lord has cleaned you.

I will also say for any Florida kid, pool counts as a shower.

Let's play our new game with Bert.

Bert has helped popularize the podcast.

What's going on with Two Bears, One Cave?

You guys were doing movies and doing other projects.

So you allowed Stavi, you allowed guest hosts to come in.

I saw that Sam Morrell was on there.

How'd all that go?

And are you back now?

Yeah, we're back.

We're back doing them.

We both had projects.

Tom had a movie and I had a TV show.

And it's a little frustrating.

You know, obviously podcast is the thing that got us to the dance, but now the dance is asking us to do different things.

And it's kind of like you don't want to forget your roots and what got you there.

But at the same time, you have so many plates spinning that we're trying to do both.

So

I don't know.

I'm trying to skinny up my podcast dance slate, meaning with Burt Cast and Something's Burning so that I can focus more on two bears, to be honest with you.

Because why do you want to focus on that?

It's been the prize baby, obviously, and it's something that's important to you.

And I like that you've brought in these comedians who could freshen up like they respect the platform you've built and they were doing something different than you guys would do and your audience liked that too.

Yeah, they loved it.

By the way, I do that more often.

I would bring in guests hosts.

And, you know, I mean, I'll talk very candidly, but, you know, Two Bears makes a great deal of money.

And to share that money with other comics that are doing, that are coming in and breathing fresh air into it.

Like it's, it's, it's kind of nice like we just basically hand the podcast over everything everything they do the ad reads they make the money and it's it's kind of nice uh to be dead and i think the fans like it and it brings it it makes it more fun for us and it also invigorates us because i was like wow they killed it we got to really start writing down subjects to talk about tom Hey, listeners, it's Mike.

Hey, Billy Gill.

Hey.

Hey, Billy, as a proud member of your inner circle, remember when we were hanging out last weekend?

Oh, yeah, fishtail palms.

Fishtail palms, the great memories we made, kids playing in the pool and in our hands, a nice ice-cold pan of Miller Light.

It was so hot out.

I know, but it was so cold in my hand.

We took that for a sip.

It was crisp.

It was refreshing.

Oh, man, there is nothing like cracking open a Miller Light with your crew and your inner circle bones.

Hell yeah.

We fist bumped.

Whether it's, we actually really did.

Whether it's that touchdown.

It didn't make a sound, but it just thought.

Bam!

Boom.

Whether it's that touchdown you didn't see coming or just arguing about fantasy lineups, you and I did plenty of that.

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What?

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What?

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96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

I want to talk about home security for a minute.

For the longest time I thought it was just alarms and sirens that once somebody breaks in, you deal with it.

But when you think about it, that's already too late.

That's reactive.

I had my car broken into on my property a while back.

The only thing I could do was call 911.

That's reactive.

I don't like leaving things up to chance.

That's why I decided to install Simply Safe.

Why?

Because they flipped the idea of home security by making it proactive.

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Visit simplysafe.com slash DLB to claim the offer.

That's simplysafe.com slash DLB.

There's no safe like SimplySafe.

Mike, you know I have one rule to live by, right?

Don't place parlays on multiple long shots.

Don't say a game is one when it hasn't hit triple zero.

Always drink your Jaegermeister ice cold.

That's the rule.

Everything else is merely a suggestion.

Everything else?

Everything else.

Wearing clean underwear every day?

Well, that's just a personal decision.

Brushing your teeth.

Obviously smart, but not a rule.

Never pee-pee on an electric fence.

Okay, maybe there are two rules, but the one that is 100% that I insist on completely, Jaegermeister must be drank ice cold.

Or don't drink it at all.

Damn, that's cold.

Exactly.

You're finally starting to get it.

Drink responsibly.

Jaegermeister Liquor, 35% alcohol by volume, imported by Mass Jaegermeister US, White Plains, New York.

Don Lebatard.

What is the worst part of the life?

Stugats.

The worst part of the life of what?

This is the Don Lebatar Show with the Stugats.

What would you identify in your top

experience of the last five years that has been a surprise?

Just where

you're just surprised that something has blown up for you as a professional success that it outranks all the others.

Oh, without a doubt, it's acting.

I never planned on being an actor.

I had no interest in acting.

I thought actors were idiots.

I thought they were like, it was the dumbest profession you could ever do.

And then I did it in the machine and I didn't think, I was like, I'll do one movie and that's it.

It's my movie about me.

That's it.

And then I started getting offered acting roles like a lot and i turned them all down because i was like i'm not i just want to play me and that's it i want to i want to play burt and then i just did this last one and now i have like uh three movies lined up and and this show looks it looks like you know it's going to be pretty good i think and and uh but i'm getting offered like weird acting roles like serious acting roles and like i got i just did a part where i get the crap beat out of me like i don't know i never thought acting would be something i'd want to do at all i just didn't i like this i love this medium.

And I was like, I'll be podcasting forever and you're never going to match the money.

And the acting doesn't pay anything, really, compared to podcasting and stand-up.

Mike, are you ready to play a real or fake podcast with one of the podcast kings?

Yes, Chris Cody, hit it.

Listen up.

Time to think fast.

Is this a real or fake podcast?

Self-explanatory.

I'm going to give you a podcast title, Bert, and you have to decipher whether or not it is a real or fake podcast.

First one up, The Kittle Things with George Kittle.

That's fake.

There's no way that's fake.

And if it's not fake, he's got to change the name.

That is a real podcast.

Shut up.

He does it with his wife.

The Kittle Things.

The Kittle Things.

Serious?

I'm calling George Kittle right now.

He should do it with children and call it Kittle people.

Second one up.

Reese's Pieces with Reese Davis.

You got him shook, Mike.

That's gotta be real.

That's gotta be real.

It's too good.

That is a fake podcast.

Are you daring?

Bert stinks at this game.

He's truly terrible at this game.

Next one up: House Rules with Matt Rule.

Rule.

Fake.

That is a real podcast.

Little FSU tinge to this one.

Football bromance with Bjorn Werner.

Football bromance?

With Bjorn Werner?

I think it's real.

That one's actually real.

Yeah.

Bjorn Werner.

Yes.

And lastly, The House of Stone and Light with Martin Page.

Those of you who Chris Light,

The House of Stone and Light.

With Martin Page.

That's fake.

That's fake.

That is an adult contemporary hit from the early 90s.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

You finished hot.

Yes,

you went two for five.

I will remind everyone again that you see him at the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival in Vancouver this weekend, September 12th.

His permission to party, world tour.

You can get tour dates, tickets available at burtburtburt.com.

What's the most moved you've been on stage here recently, Bert?

Like, because

I thought it might have been in the last special when you threw your shirt up in the air and it landed exactly on the microphone.

I believe that that's as well as you could ever do it.

That caught me off guard.

That was the most moved I've been, honestly, was

and I only know this because it was Tampa, the Amelie arena.

And right before I was about to go on stage, my dad called me.

My dad was at the step.

My dad's never seen me perform live.

He called me and he goes, hey, Wade Boggs is here.

And I was like, yeah, I know.

And he was like, no, no, no, no, no.

He's in my box suite.

Do you think he knows who you are?

I go, yeah, dad.

I got him tickets.

And he was like, you know Wade Boggs?

I go, no, I don't know Wade Boggs, but he wanted tickets.

We're going to meet him after the show.

He goes, I'm going to get to meet Wade Boggs.

I go, introduce yourself now, dad.

That was the most.

And then, and then we got backstage and Derek Brooks, who, you know, FSU legend was backstage with me and my dad.

And he said to my dad, can you believe the career your son's had?

And my dad goes, do you know my son?

And he goes, I was at his first show.

And my, Derek Brooks walks out and goes.

And my dad goes, buddy, Derek Brooks knows who you are.

Can you imagine the life you've lived if Derek Brooks knows who you are?

That was the greatest.

That was the Mount Rushmore.

I'm done.

I could go back and do clubs for the rest of my life.

He's not your favorite seminal, no.

The best seminal of all time is blank.

The best seminal of all time?

The best seminal of all time is Charlie Ward.

Better than Deion.

Charlie Ward, when I was there, Charlie Ward was so undeniable.

He was so undeniable.

Third and 17, and you knew Charlie Ward would come through.

You know what I loved about Charlie Ward?

When Warc Dunn's mom got killed, Charlie Ward said to Bobby Bowden, let him live with me.

I'll take care of him.

And that's how we got work done.

That's how great Charlie Ward was, is he imprinted on Warwick Dunn.

And that's how we got that great individual that is work done.

Yeah, but he deserved to be tossed into the fifth row by PJ Brown.

Let's be honest.

Dude, the biggest mistake Charlie Ward ever made was playing basketball.

I understand he doesn't have CTE and he can use his knees and dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

But let's be real.

How great would Charlie have Ward been in the NFL?

He was so undeniable on third and long.

It was, I've never felt that in my life.

I feel two, two things.

Charlie Ward can complete on third and long, and my wife will never cheat on me.

Those are two truths I know.

And no matter what.

Zazzler, did you have something here for Bert?

No?

Okay.

People get your tickets at burtburtburt.com.

Was burntburt.com not available?

What happened there?

No, that's a dog.

It was Bert Burt was a dog.

Bert wasn't a real estate agent.

And I tried to get Diet Burt.

I tried the White Gorilla.

I tried Green State.

I tried Burt, Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert.

I just figured four Berts was ridiculous.

Three really like Tora, Tora, Tora.

The touring lifestyle, are you going to let go of that at all?

I know that you love the stand-up, but you have all of these other things that are calling you.

And sometimes you might not exactly want to be flying to Minneapolis.

I don't fly.

I drive in a bus.

I'm like John Madden.

I love touring.

I will never quit touring touring is more fun than being at home with my family than sitting in hawaii on the beach touring is the best the lifestyle rocks you're with your boys it's like camp every night everyone's drinking giggling falling asleep you wake up you have lunch you find an activity due in said city you take a nap you work out you go on stage you drink and you do it all over again it is touring is touring is groundhog's day but with your favorite people in the world burt when's the last time you had a negative experience with someone in the crowd?

I don't know.

I mean, that's not to, but it's like I'm in an arena, so it's like, I'm a little distant.

So, like, I don't really hear.

If someone's upset, I don't hear.

Oh, the last time I

like,

I'm in an arena, buddy.

I'm not playing small, but I'm not playing.

I've made eye contact in two years.

I can't hear their voices up there.

I can't even see them from where it is that they're yelling.

Never mind, hear them.

I don't know if even they're even there.

So

I'll tell you what, the big problem you get in arenas is like, I'm doing Red Rocks again, and you get complaints from the people like at the very, very top.

They're like, I could barely see the show.

And at a certain point, you're like, you're like, yeah, that does suck.

Like, why would I sell tickets to that far away to that person?

That's the biggest complaint you get is the people in the cheap seats are like, dude, I couldn't see anything.

Because you like money, that's why.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I got Rolexes to pay for, guys.

They don't pay for themselves.

And the wives, too.

My wrists are light.

And if I don't hold them down with this stuff, I'm just a little bit more.

That's a heavy boy, Dan.

Can you take us back through the journey?

Take us from Red Rocks, for example, to what were the worst of the venues you were playing when you couldn't have imagined the idea that you would be playing someplace like Red Rocks?

Oh, my God.

I mean, dude, Dayton, Ohio on a Thursday night with 35 people in the audience and 25 of them don't want to be there.

And you're just, and you and that's when i started taking my shirt off because i was like i'm miserable i'm missing my family this can't be the dream thirteen hundred dollars and i'm paying half to the taxes i gotta pay for my own flight my own hotel the only thing i'm getting free is heineken and i was like i and i was miserable i mean miami miami was miami was one of the hardest clubs in the country i remember going on stage and no no one laughing to the point where i didn't think they spoke english and i i would try to make a joke about that.

And they were like, I remember one time in Miami, I had to, I was like, I was bombing and I was like, okay, I'm not certain everyone here is fluent in English.

So what I want to do is I'm going to bring a black guy and a Cuban guy on stage.

And can you just translate to your people and tell them what I'm saying?

And they, and they were like, yeah.

And I brought a black dude and a Cuban guy.

And I said, I was talking to a girl.

And the black guy just looks at me and he goes, can the player get some conversation?

And the place goes, banana, bananas.

And then the Cuban guy just says it in Spanish.

And then we talked about oral sex.

And it was like, and it was like completely white guided not translate to these guys.

And so that was like a turning point in my career when I realized the gloves have to be off.

You have to be up for anything.

You can't, I mean, you can't have some set program ready to just

regurgitate to an audience.

You got to be like up for anything.

How long ago was that?

That was 19 years ago.

All right.

Well, congratulations on all the success, sir.

It looks like it's a good deal of fun to be you these days.

It's not bad being you either.

The Florida State experience, your best sports experience?

Because you've had a number of them here where you found yourself in some surreal positions with athletes.

What comes closest to being the Florida State speech?

Beating it or being it?

Oh,

even better than the speech, directly after my shirt's off, Tom's.

teared up.

He's like, that was one of the most amazing things.

And Michael Alford comes up, the athletic director, and he goes, come on, let's go.

And we're like, where are we going?

And he walks us to the center of the field, right by the Seminole head.

And Chief Osceola comes up on Renegade and spikes the burning spear feet from us.

And Tommy looks at me, tears coming down his face.

And he's like, this is the greatest day of my life.

And I, I mean, that, that, I'm getting chill bumps talking about it.

But for any seminole, you know that your first experience of watching that spear going into the 50-yard line is the, the roar, the power of that stadium.

And then to be there shirtless on the 50-yard line with my best friend was something that i i mean i don't i don't have memories like that with my wife or my children you know to be honest with you uh good seeing you burt i always remember that cortez kennedy had to be restrained from punching the horse uh thank you good seeing you sir i love you brother thank you so much

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