Roy Rules

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to the Seth Meyers and Lonely Island podcast.

I'm Seth Meyers.

And gentlemen, you want to introduce yourselves?

Oh, pretty deep into our run here, but I guess, yeah, hi, it's Andy.

Hey, this is Akiva.

Sorry to jump on you, Yorm.

May I take the second spot here today?

Yeah.

This is Akiva.

Okay.

And this is Yorma.

Hey, my dick.

I have a little diggy dingle.

Come on, I got poop on my butt.

I'm a stinky little turd guy.

No!

We talked about this ahead of time.

It was a burn on you, Yorm.

We talked about it ahead of time, And we set you up and we just fucking slammed you, dude.

And so part of the setup was Andy being very resentful that I asked you to introduce yourself.

Long grift, brother.

And you played it perfectly, bro.

You seem so mad.

The longest of grifts.

Anyway, this is your map.

The lonely island and Seth Meyer's podcast.

I want to throw something out to our listeners, which is this.

And maybe by the next episode, we will have been instructed on a better way to do this.

But if you want to, in the YouTube comments of this episode, leave some questions.

Maybe we'll just do part of our next episode.

We'll be answering some of those questions.

So if you have questions for the Lonely Island dudes or even me, you know what?

Fire away.

And I'm sure there's a better way to get your questions.

And I'm sure we're going to tell you what that is.

We're going to talk about April 21st, 2007.

Scarlett Johansson is back to host.

Remember it well.

You do remember it well, York?

Nope, because you remember Neri a thing.

Zero things.

Okay, good.

He was exercising sarcasm.

Yeah.

Ah, it was a little bit of the old Yarmy sarcasm.

All right, so we have a very fun digital short that I re-watched and enjoyed.

And I wouldn't have said,

you know, it's not top of my list, but I do think about Roy Rules a lot.

I know it's a huge part of your life, Andy.

Major.

So Roy Rules is about your brother-in-law.

He's about my real-life brother-in-law, Roy.

I guess we should just start off by saying Roy, my actual brother-in-law, is one of my favorite people in the world.

Right.

I've known him since I was in high school.

He and my sister have been together a long ass time and have a beautiful marriage and a wonderful, beautiful family, whom I love dearly.

No sarcasm.

No sarcasm.

It's hard for me to sound sincere.

Yeah, but yeah.

Because I'm all mangled up inside.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

Got a hard run of things.

From Keith always bullying him.

Wailing on him?

Shut the fuck up.

God damn it.

It's happening again.

Seth, save me.

I know you're one.

I can't step in.

This is your dynamic.

Anyway, I love the heck out of Roy, and I don't remember exactly when the idea was first breached.

I remember this, though.

Part of what like prompted this was us being like, we were tired.

Then maybe I'm misremembering this.

I probably am, but I remember us being tired of having full crews and moving at the speed of like a crew.

So at least for me, I was like, let's pare this down and get back to us with a camera.

It did.

It was a conscious choice to do something kind of run and gun and low stakes.

We weren't swinging for the fences.

And I think for us, I mean, look, we were still actually relatively early in our run at the show, but we didn't understand that or how it was going to feel over the course of time.

So it was like, hey, let's do kind of a weird one.

And by making it actually personal, that was a totally new move for us.

And the idea of doing a song about my actual brother-in-law just kept making me really laugh.

And imagining what it would be like if we could actually get it on the air and he would hear that it had happened and then eventually see it made me really laugh.

I want to note, again, it's end of the season and this episode and the next, we'll be talking about your final two digital chores of this year.

Jorm, you said you were tired and the next two we're going to talk about have a real patina of tired on them.

Yeah, and and kind of uh i think a pretty lazy Yorm vibe, too.

Yeah, we're limping to the finish line for sure, yeah, for sure.

And when Andy was suggesting this, I don't recall, Key, your input on doing this or not, but I can't imagine that you were like, this is great.

I don't think Key was even there.

I think this is another week.

I don't think I got off completely like you don't have to show up to work, but I think I must have been pretty heavy into hot rod.

Yes, it's April, it was coming out in August.

Yeah, it it was me and you yorm and matt murray yeah yeah because i remember us like you kept pitching this idea of your your brother-in-law a song that was got kind of sexual about your brother-in-law and me being like yes that's great that's great let's do that i mean should we jump in i did rewatch it so did i okay i do want to say something real quick and i'm gonna go back and i'm only doing this andy because as we've established hopefully on this podcast andy is dominant in the spelling bee the new york times word game right you're the king uh in our relationship yeah yeah.

Yeah.

But I do think it's broached the subject, not breached the subject.

Oh, sorry.

I was thinking of the way that I like birth ideas.

I see.

So it's, was it breaching in that you like sort of broke through the

breach because it was not a, it was not ideal.

It was not a normal birth, you were saying?

Oh, do you think I'm going to back down off this?

Being dead wrong?

Seth, I actually have to confess something to you.

What's that?

It's about today.

What is it?

I used a hint.

You used a hint for spelling B

to get Queen Bee.

You got it clean, and I just sort of texted you like, I got it too, but I didn't say

I used one hint.

I like, though, I want to go back to the fact that I believe you should say you broached the subject of Royal Rules, but considering this is a digital short that was maybe coming out legs first.

Yeah.

It was a complicated birth.

And by the way, it was because it didn't air immediately and it took some some time to reach the air.

Yeah.

All right.

So again, we've established Roy Rules is a digital short about Andy's love for his actual brother-in-law, Roy.

That's what I remembered from it.

And I will say I watched it.

I was surprised many times and I laughed very hard.

I would say that in the grand scheme of this, it was better in rewatch than I had expected.

It's better in rewatch and worse looking than I remember.

Yeah.

It looked atrocious.

I laughed a few times.

There were a few things I had forgotten about.

My favorite joke in it by far was he loves wearing t-shirts and he's wearing a button-up shirt.

Yeah.

Well, can we talk about who player Roy?

Right.

Let's begin with the fact that your actual brother-in-law, Roy, part of the joy of this for you was that he would find out once it aired, which means he could not play himself in this digital short.

So you had to cast Roy.

That's right.

The incomparable Brian Tucker.

He's a writer at SNL.

One of the great SNL writers.

Keith, why don't you talk a little bit about Tucker?

Tucker joined the show with us same year, and he had come from I think Chappelle Show at that point and some other shows like that, right?

Yep.

I think Neil Brennan recommended him.

I believe he pitched the idea of the racial draft, the great Chappelle sketch.

Yeah.

Yes.

And I feel like when we started the writers, it was just Joast, us, and him were kind of the ones that started at the same time.

So there was always a kinship there.

We also put him in Throw It on the Ground, Threw It on the Ground.

Sorry, I don't know the name of our song, which we'll talk about later, but he's the hot dog vendor.

And he just has a great look and he's good at acting.

He really captures Roy I think he also just has such a good straight man stare of just

being put upon he plays amazingly well so he was our our first choice obviously I think about something Tucker did once to you Jorm because I really had a great appreciation for it and it was based on your shared love of hip-hop yes what is the name of the public enemy song that is um i got a letter from the government the other day oh that's right i took it and read it oh my god tucker did so many good ones of those so there's a public enemy song.

I got a letter from the government the other day.

I took it and read it.

It said they were suckers.

Yeah.

And he just put a letter under your door, Jorn, that said it was from the government.

And you opened it up and it just said, we're suckers.

Yes.

That's all that's said on that.

That's right.

Yeah.

And then I loved the joke so much that I made like 12 copies of it or something and then sent it to my friend in DC so that it could have, if people checked where it came from, that it would have a DC

and then sent it to all of our friends.

Like we have a WhatsApp change with all of our buddies from high school and sent it to all of those guys and then never told anyone.

By the way, the name of the song is Black Steel and the Hour of Chaos.

Of course.

It's a really good way to start a song.

Definitely not a great, a great title that is not easy to remember based on the lyrics.

Could have just called it Letter from the Government, but yeah.

Different times.

The other thing he did, I don't remember the specifics of it, but we talked a lot about how so many of the Dre comeback album songs were about how people forgot about him and everyone was dissing him.

And we were like, I don't, I haven't heard any of that.

I hadn't heard anyone saying they forgot.

It hasn't actually really been that long.

And he did some bit about it.

Do you guys remember what I'm talking about?

No, I can't, but that's really good.

It was like Dre sent out a memo from his desk, his official office.

It was like, reminder, don't forget about me or something.

There were a lot of really like, you know, reverse engineered rap lyric bits that Tucker would do and slip under our door.

Also, if you watch Roy Rules, the fun thing about Tucker's incredible sort of encyclopedic rap knowledge, and it should be noted, was one of the great Keenan collaborators in his time on the show.

Oh, yeah.

Always.

Wrote better stuff for Keenan, maybe than anybody.

That's saying a lot.

Tucker looks like the whitest white guy of all the white guys.

That's also his real family in the video.

It is true.

Yeah.

His kids.

That's his apartment.

We spent nothing on this video.

Shout out to Tucker.

I definitely had a moment of realizing because his daughter is in one of the shots.

And I'm like, that's fully, that person is probably out of college.

Yeah, for sure.

It was 15 years ago, right?

More?

Yeah.

Tucker looks the same.

And then the shocking thing would be to see what his daughter looks like now, for sure.

Probably a lot like Tucker.

So Roy Rules starts with a very, I would say first verse, Andy is just loving Roy for his very simple things, simple ways.

Yeah, just a good guy, like a nice addition to the family.

Yeah.

All true.

No sarcasm.

No sarcasm.

Then it becomes a very sex-positive, I would call it.

Yeah.

Thank you, Keith.

Did you know there's over a billion people in the world?

There's over a million in New York alone.

But the only one I'm into is my brother-in-law, Roy.

Roy Rules.

He's married to my sister.

He wakes up in the morning, watches Dora with my niece, and then necks on bananas.

Roy rules.

He works out in the morning.

He runs in the park and he does a bunch of crunches.

Oh, he's got

I'm so glad my sister married Roy.

He gets along great with the whole family.

He's hardworking and great with kids.

Oh, and also, I want to have sex with Roy.

There's a lot of contradictions in the song, which I think is something about it that I like.

Keep talking about how I want to have sex with him, but then I'm not interested in him sexually.

Yeah, it's a little confusing.

There's a real classic turn where, I mean, pretty much, I think it's almost just like a two-verse song.

First verse is, this dude's an awesome brother-in-law, and the next verse is, I want to bone him.

Yeah, well, there's a bridge, too.

I mean, it has a really good structure.

What is your fantasy that he's a pirate?

Uh, in my dreams, he's dressed like a pirate, and my dong is his peg leg.

Yeah, that's a good line.

It's a very specific fantasy.

I wish we were counting how many of your sketches and shorts had the word dong in them.

Let's count.

You know what?

Sound off in the comments and sound off, guys.

Because I don't know.

You know, a helpful sound effect to have Joran would be like a big old bell dong sound.

I'll work on it.

We can just play when it comes up.

Okay, I'll work on that.

Um,

but you know, there's also um very fun, subtle performance by Tucker when he, when the song takes a shift, and you know, it should be noted: as Roy is being celebrated over the course of this song, Tucker is just going about his business, he's not that excited about it, but he does kind of give you a little bit of side-eye when he finds out you want to do a bunch of 69 stuff with him.

He's my sister's husband.

Still, though, if me and Roy did hook up, it would be a 24-769.

It was very fun to shoot.

It was very running gun.

I have an anecdote about it, a lore anecdote.

Oh, great.

Oh, good.

So we shot this and edited it, and it didn't air the first time we tried it.

And then I remember being like, what?

How dare they?

This is our art.

This is quality.

And then it was unclear if this is really the reason, or it was just like we first tried to put it on a strong show where they didn't need a piece of tape because they had better stuff.

Or if later I was told, hey, because the original line was, I've got this theory he was put on earth by God to give men succulent hand jobs.

Yeah, we did that.

We made that version.

We made that version.

That was written and recorded and filmed.

And then we got told by someone, that's the reason it didn't air.

You can't say succulent hand jobs.

So we fixed it spent a good hour pitching replacements by the way furious yeah the whole time fucking unbelievable that they would make us change this and it got to the point somehow that i was on the phone with lauren because he wasn't at the office but we were like hey we need to lock this in if we're duping it

so i was so horror alarmed just picturing this conversation so i end up on the phone with lauren and i'm like hey um so yeah so we're trying to fix, you know, succulent hand jobs.

He's like, uh-huh.

And I go, how would you feel about succulent rub downs?

And there's a long pause and he goes, I could live with succulent rub downs.

And I go, okay, great.

Thank you.

And we like hung up.

I remember as soon as I hung up, me and Norm started laughing so hard.

We were like, what is our life?

What is this job?

What is the job that we a realizing how mad we were about

and then realizing like we just talked to the boss about changing hand jobs for rub downs that's a forever lauren moment for me i can live with succulent rub downs if lauren was being investigated by the feds for some sort of insider trading thing and his phones were tapped and there were two dudes in a van outside his house just with headphones just listening we got him they're like we don't have anything on the banking stuff we did hear him say he could live with rub downs rub downs is funnier too it was surprising and i I was relieved when it said it.

I'm with you.

Yeah, it is better.

They were right.

What was the name of our sensor too that we love?

Betsy Torres.

Yeah, Betsy Torres.

Yes, yes.

That we spent a lot of time with.

And she would occasionally like really suggest horrible replacements for things where you'd be like, my God.

That was the great thing about Betsy is that she would sometimes be offended by...

a sort of modern bad word and then she'd pitch something from 50 years ago that had aged so badly.

It was like disgusting.

You're like, oh, God.

A thousand times worse.

In her defense, she was representing what the sensors and everybody went by.

I have nothing but love for Betsy Torres.

And I also think that as far as sensors, network sensors go, when she tracked you down, it was always with a real,

let's try to help each other out here vibes.

But she would sit with us for every song and literally be like, there, I can still hear an F and there's some K in there.

I can still hear it.

Oh, that's great.

That is really good times.

The nice thing in the end where you admit in the body of the song that we have not been seeing the real Roy the whole time, and then you show a picture of Roy.

Yes.

And then there's a really funny, you basically make the case, you ultimately fill in a blank that you feel the audience has had, which they've been looking at Tucker and they don't quite get why you want to have sort of so much sexual relations with this person based on how Tucker looks.

And then you show a picture of Roy.

And, you know, with all due respect to Roy, you know, it's not like young gosling or anything.

It's a nice picture from his wedding.

Better.

Agreed.

Better.

But then what is the line Andy says?

Well, it is like, so i guess now you understand everything i've been saying like as if yeah i took the phone over look at this hot tomato you know you want a piece of this you now see why this was very necessary yeah it makes it all make sense

wait andy how did you get the picture did you tell your your sister that you were going to do this beforehand or no I think I just had it on my laptop.

It's from their wedding.

You can see a little bit of my sis in that pic.

And, you know, it was a special time in our family for sure.

What was the family reaction reaction, like across the board?

That's the part I want to get to.

Okay, so I haven't heard what I'm about to play.

Oh, great.

Oh, good.

I hit up Roy right before this and said, send me a voice note.

So let's just see what he said.

We're going in cold.

All right.

Don't judge him.

Don't judge him.

We went to the show before it aired, and I think it was supposed to air that week, but it got pulled.

I think that's what Andy told me.

So people have seen the short.

And then

when we were hanging with Andy backstage, the different cast members were really interested interested in meeting me, but then you know, it was one after another.

So, I thought this was a prank or kind of a joke Andy was pulling on me.

Like, pretend you're interested in my brother, brother-in-law, Roy, whatever.

And so, um, I didn't want to fall for the joke, and each cast member kept kind of reacting that way.

And then, I remember when I met Seth, he was really excited or seemed to be excited to meet me.

He's like, You're Roy, the real Roy, you're Roy's Andy's brother-in-law of Roy.

And I was like, Yeah, and I was starting to get annoyed.

I was like, I'm not falling for this joke.

But then I also remember Bill Hayter and Brian Tucker sitting with me and asking me questions about my life and really interested in my life and laughing at, you know, the wrong moments.

They would laugh when I told them I had three kids and what I did for a living.

And I found that awkward and weird.

And then when it aired, I remember my friend Chris calling me from New York because I live in California and saying, did you see SNL and whatever?

And I was like, what?

And then I guess he realized and just hung up.

But then it aired, and I was like, oh man, these characters.

Because Andy's been playing, me and Andy have been doing pranks on each other for a bit.

And so I guess this was the ultimate prank.

But I remember after it aired, Kiva, Yorm, and Andy called and checked in.

And then people started calling me like crazy, my friends mainly.

And I was worried that I needed to change my phone number or my email because I didn't want to be harassed for the rest of my life.

But that wasn't the case.

So it's, it's all good.

Oh, well, hopefully this will start that up again.

The harassment.

I like that based on the timeline, he could have actually thought that maybe like Tucker and Hayter went to you after that after party and were like, you got to write about a song about this dude.

We just gleaned so much dirt.

And he does rule.

He do rule.

Oh, my God.

You can kind of tell he rules from that voice note.

Oh my God, he's the best.

So it had played at dress the week before and the week he came.

It probably had just played at dress and then he came to the live show.

That's right.

So it was very fresh for everybody.

Yeah.

And then it got cut.

I love that he specifically remembered you, Seth, being like, you're the man,

which is such a funny way to meet somebody for the first time if they have no context for why.

Like, how much does Andy talk about me?

I like, too, that he would call up to get his phone number changed.

And they're like, why do you want to change it?

And he explains and they're like, I don't think you're going to need to change it.

You'll be good.

You'll be good.

I think you're going to be all right.

Like, this is one of their lesser works.

I think there'll be a short burst and then it's going to go away forever.

How often do you think that that's happened on the show?

That someone specific has been

just a joke for one person in the audience.

Hey, you let the whole audience in in the last, like, well, here, let me just read this comment off the YouTube channel.

Oh, yeah, please do.

Oh, thanks.

Good work.

Good work.

Yeah, it's from seven days ago, which is impressive for a short with not a lot of views.

It has legs.

It has legs.

So it says, the final 10 seconds is what makes this possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen on SNL.

That's from D.

Nowitzki.

Dirk Nowitzki, then.

Oh, it's Dirk Nowitzki.

That's great.

But I mean, I do kind of, you know, agree that that last 10 seconds kind of excuses the entire navel-gazing of it.

Yes.

There's also a very, the moment where you just sort of are playing a

little mini piano is also very funny.

Yeah.

I mean, it looks terrible.

It looks terrible.

That's part of what lets me know it's true, though, as well.

I go, oh, this is real.

Yes.

Very true.

There's only one shot with lighting, which is when you come off of the piano and then look down.

That was the only shot that we were like, this is a little dark.

So we shot like a basic lamp that was in the writer's room up at your face.

Psychotic.

Only shot with lighting.

There's also a moment, the t-shirt moment, Andy, is of course the backdrop.

If you work at SNL, you immediately recognize as the world map that is on Steve Higgins' wall.

Higgins wall, yeah.

Steve Higgins, he will continue to come up.

I believe his office is what I always believed I wanted an office to be.

He just seemed like a very cultured man.

Espresso machine.

World, world map, wallpaper, and a cappuccino machine.

And you would go into his office, oftentimes, maybe feeling a little down, and he would offer you an espresso.

Sparkling water as well.

Or a sparkling water.

And you would sit in a very, very, very comfortable chair with a view of New York City.

And I love that office a lot.

Yeah.

And then he would point at the map and go, where's this?

And you go, I don't know.

So earlier, I mentioned that Matt Murray helped us on Roy Rules, and uh, he sent me a voice note.

Okay, great.

Hey, guys, Matt Murray here.

You're talking about Roy Rules, something I just watched and have zero memory of being involved with.

But Andy says I might have been.

It's possible.

Uh, I tend not to really remember much of what I did at SNL, either through a combination of stress or shame or booze.

But it's possible.

I'm going to say it was possible.

It was a pretty tasty riff, though.

I do like the melody of it.

So if I was involved in that, then I did a great job.

All right.

Bye.

So that was for sure worth doing.

I feel like, I do think it's worth doing.

No, I feel like, though, it was me with the camera shooting you, Andy, and I thought that Matt was with us.

Maybe he had like Rachel Lynn was with us or like maybe one other person.

I just want to say this.

I feel like I've got in my dreams, he's dressed like a pirate and my dong is his peg like was a Matt Murray thing.

That sounds about right.

Yes.

The Panther.

I also want to say I never tire of having my time in the show validated when I hear a cool customer like Matt Murray say that he was stressed.

Even alluding to the fact that he might not remember things due to stress.

I feel so, I'm like, while I hate the fact that he was stressed, it's very validating and rewarding for me to know that I was not alone because a lot of people hit it very well.

Yeah, he hit it very well.

I had that with John Solomon.

John Solomon was like that to me too because he always just seems so even keel.

And then at one point, I heard he went to the hospital for like heart palpitations.

I was like, oh, good idea.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

You guys, that was in the Scarlet show.

Scarlett was not in the sketch.

Yeah.

We didn't shoot it that week.

It was filmed three weeks earlier, as we've discussed.

Of course, right.

And that's why I can't figure out where I was either, because whatever week I wasn't involved was not this week.

Yes.

But no host.

There was a host the week it was shot, and there was never going to be a host sketch.

I do want to talk about Scarlett and Andy's work together in this show because something historic happened.

Oh, you're talking about Quato 2?

I'm talking about Quato 2.

Yeah.

Now good stuff.

Here's the thing about Quato 2.

You know what?

I do feel like we should probably end on Quato 2.

Yeah.

So I do want to hit a couple other small notes in the Scarlet show.

Okay.

Your Sanjaya impression really did burn hot for a couple of weeks there.

Just a few weeks after you appear on update, you were back in the monologue.

You were singing something to talk about the Bunny Raid song with Scarlett as Sanjaya.

I had a hot show then in the monologue and a Quato and Roy Rules.

And Roy Rules.

And I guess that's maybe all I have to say about the Scarlet Show until she did.

Her and Fred did another one.

This time is Marble Columns.

Fantastic.

Oh, yeah.

She gets an applause break as his daughter, Lexi.

Killer.

The way she talks about columns.

Is it this one and that one?

This one.

Yeah, this one and that one.

It's the best.

You gotta get yourself some marble columns.

You don't believe me?

Just ask my daughter, Lexi.

Look at these columns.

Look at this one.

Look at that one.

Can you believe it?

You can stick these things everywhere.

They make your house look like a palace, like a castle.

People are going to look at your house and go, who lives there?

The Pope?

What is that?

Oh, I will also, Yorn, throw me over to Seth's corner real quick.

Okay.

Seth's corner, you're all invited.

Seth's corner, it's happening right now.

Take it away, Seth.

Joe and I, it should be noted, we worked together on this sketch.

It was a bad sketch.

Okay.

Yeah.

And yet, Scarlett overlooked that

and did, did take his hand in marriage.

So it couldn't have been that bad.

Yeah, she married him despite the sketch.

I do not want to go into this sketch.

It was just a very average sketch.

It was not particularly inventive.

And

I was in between dress and air.

Maybe I think it was during air.

Sometimes during air, you get the word that you have to find 30 seconds from a sketch.

Yeah.

And so I went down to the booth to basically give changes to the script supervisors on the show.

I had a great and continue to have a great relationship with the people who do script at SNL.

I think they have one of the hardest jobs on the show.

Yeah, for sure.

I love them very much.

I think that they had a great amount of respect for me.

I think I was one of the better people as far as getting my changes in on time.

Had good handwriting, kind of things to look at and judge well.

Respectable qualities.

That's definitely the kind of stuff they factor when they're deciding who gets the Mark Twain prize.

Yes.

Good penmanship.

Point being,

somebody, as they were taking the notes, somebody felt very confident that this was Joe's sketch and not a me and Joe sketch.

And they said something super snarky about the sketch right in front of me.

I would like to also point out what they said was the fairest of hits.

My God, yes.

But it was not, it was, it was deeply not cool to say something mean about a sketch right in front of the person as he think you changes.

And to this person's credit, the next week,

I'm sure what happened is I walked away and they were informed of the mistake they'd made.

And this person came to my office the following Monday to apologize.

And

everything about it, it was an honest mistake, a fair assessment, and so professionally handled.

But I do remember when they came to my office, my whole take was like, yeah, and I'm, by the way, like, I'm sorry we wrote it.

It was an equal exchange of apologies.

My take was the hardest part about it was just how true it all was.

Oh my God.

It hurt in its accuracy.

Everyone at the show talks shit shit about the show.

Yes.

Like you forget that every department, the moment the door is shut, they go, you know, they're like, I got to make wigs for this fucking terrible sketch.

Like everyone at every department.

Guys, I feel like I've established where I stand on where I historically stood on Quado.

I re-watched Quaddo 2 today.

It's a masterpiece.

This is a full turnaround.

Whoa.

I laughed so hard.

That is not what I expected.

I feel like you did the first quado, and then I was just a walking diss track about the first quado.

And the second quado is a response to my lame-ass disses.

Yeah.

And it just said, I felt very put in my place.

It was our...

They not like us.

Yeah.

We just doubled down on everything.

Is that what did it for me?

First of all, it starts the way through time immemorial, SNL sketches have started.

It's two couples, very nondescript suburban home.

Thanks for dinner, you guys.

It's so nice to have a home-cooked meal every once in a while.

Well, truth be told, we had our ulterior motives for inviting you guys over.

Yeah, Danny and I have something to tell you.

Oh my god, I knew it.

You guys are getting married.

No, no, it's not that.

It's just

I've got a quaddo.

What?

You know, a quaddo.

A little alien man that lives inside your stomach.

Oh, like in the Schwarzenegger film, Total Wecon.

Exactly.

Anyways, in that movie, Quado is the leader of the mutant resistance on Mars.

And now he lives in my stomach.

By the way, the audience, nothing.

Why?

Yeah, okay.

No recognition, applause.

No recognition on Quatto, no recognition on the movie.

Yeah, that's a good way to start.

Again, I mean, the thing that's really impressive is we're moving.

Like, things are off and running.

We have not spent a lot of time in this home, and we're deep into the Quatto story.

No chuffa, no shoe leather.

We're just getting right in.

The only shoe leather I would say, andy is maya does a cross to fill up her bottle of wine fill up her glass of wine right because we've got to make the swap

there's never been a quado swap happening

because we have a very we have a very slow talking maya masterful i think i better just show you yeah you guys might really want to have another drink i think you'll like quado once you get to know him though i mean it can be a little disarming for people when they first see him but i guarantee you i i really think you're gonna like him

uh oh

here he is oh here we're ready to cut to him and again one of the great things about quado is i don't know what era specifically his slang is from he immediately comes out and says aw snap quado in the house i mean it's all of our stuff was early 90s right right early to mid 90s yeah early 90s bay area slang like when the 80s says zarks for instance That's not a normal slang word that is specific to the

Zarks?

No.

So awesome snap, quado in the house.

Immediately, I will say, immediately today, I'm laughing.

Amy, oh my God, what is that thing?

This is maybe,

I mean, chisel this on a tablet and put it in the next Pharaoh's tomb to save.

Oh, God, what is that thing?

Hey, lady, take a picture.

It'll last longer.

But seriously, any of you Quaids got a smint?

My breath is kicking harder than Adam Vinetarian.

That's just like a great sentence that you've never heard before.

Keeping it topical for the Seth man.

Keeping it, Tabu.

Yeah, he still likes smints.

Fred says, seriously, Susan, that thing is really gross.

Again, Andy's going to, I'm sorry, Andy.

Quada's going to continue to keep it topical.

Whatever, Quaid, you're no Gary Underwood yourself.

Hey, but all jokes aside, he knows he's joking.

Yeah, yeah.

He knows he has a sense of humor.

Hey, but all jokes aside, what's the status on that smint snaggage?

He's the life of the party, and he knows it.

That's kind of his attitude.

You just asked for the smint, too.

It's really too early to follow up.

Then there's a really nice move.

Amy, how can you live with that thing?

It's vile.

Quado, you know what, lady?

You need to talk to the hand.

Do you remember what the follow-up to this is, Andy?

Because there's an ear in the hand.

That's where I hear.

Yep.

Yeah.

Is it exactly that?

Yep.

Because there's an ear on the hand.

Seriously, that's where I hear stuff.

We see there's an ear on his hand.

This is where I hear stuff.

It's just

a practical request.

Again,

we mentioned earlier how you like to use dong.

There's another word you enjoy, which came up in the next line.

Now, of course, Bill is no longer in the sketch.

It's a dummy of Bill that looks like it was going to be ready the next day.

Yeah, pretty bad dummy.

Like it was like they ran out of time to make the head look like Bill.

Yeah.

It should be noted, you're not spending a lot of time looking at the dummy because Quatto does draw the eye.

No, but you notice.

You do notice, though.

He does quaddo yells out hey who wants to see me take out danny's wiener

like a microphone he's in the perfect spot for it i gotta say i'm sort of bummed you didn't get to see that happen in the sketch then maya says she has a quado she goes back sits down says she has a quado the longest two shot of fred and amaz having to react to the quado switch yeah and again the only world in which quado likes smints is of course the first quado sketch yeah it's recurring it's playing red hot like everything gross about the quados.

The audience is going.

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic about it.

And then Scarlett comes out.

Bust out the Motions.

It's a Quado party.

Hey, babe.

I thought you'd never get here.

These quads are real snooze fast.

He said it.

And check out that one.

He looks like his neck took a dump in zero gravity.

Hey.

Come on.

Nice one, Quake.

High five.

Okay.

Wait.

Wait.

Okay,

it's very difficult because our arms are so small.

You guys have tiny little arms and you're struggling to high five.

People are really enjoying that.

Yeah, that's good stuff.

Amy says they're gross.

Scarlett says, easy, Quaid, you're no Carrie Underwood yourself because that's what I said.

That's what I said.

They're made for each other.

Yeah, they're soulmates.

And then, of course,

it turns out that you've had a...

You've had a cement and she's kind of interested in you guys.

And then you guys, the quados start making out.

It's a lot of fun to watch you guys get close.

And then do you remember what happens, Andy?

I do remember.

And there's something that happened on accident, I believe, that is my favorite part of the sketch.

Oh, I don't know which part happens on accident.

We wrote it as everyone starts throwing up, right?

Yeah, Amy and Fred start throwing up.

Like that crazy throw-up.

As we've established, it's never as much fun as you think it's going to be because people have to hold their hands crazy because the throw-up is coming up a tube on their arm.

Yes, although as kids that grew up watching SNL, there's something so funny because of the nostalgia of seeing cast members do it that way.

Holding their hand to the side of their mouth while it shoots out from behind their hand.

Blood sputters out.

You know how you always hold your hand up to your mouth when you're throwing up?

Nostalgic.

And then two cops walk in, right?

Yeah.

Hey, David.

Will and Keenan are other people at the party.

They just walk in.

They're not cops.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

That's good.

That's good.

But they walk in and immediately vomit.

Yes.

So, but in the script, I believe, and I could be wrong, they come in and say a few lines, then see it, and then start throwing up.

But what happened on air was

they came in, and before they got their lines out, the barf started firing.

So it turned into actually the best cut to ever, which is just

the best.

Two people you haven't seen in the sketch walk in and immediately start throwing up with no words.

It's fantastic.

I'm so glad you said that.

It's fantastic.

And I am looking at the script, and yeah, they did have a line.

Yes.

What was the line?

Hey, guys, sorry, relay traffic was the worst.

Oh, God.

Yes.

It's so much more funny not to know.

Just to be like, and then two more people come in to throw up.

And by the way, if you had written it for it to be the way it was, the timing would not have been that good.

No, absolutely.

Correct.

It's so good.

Like

everything about it is incredible serendipity.

And it's really funny.

It's such a perfect sketch.

And the part that is the most shocking to me is that neither Smint nor Molson ever gave us any free product based on it.

That is weird.

Nothing was sent to us.

No thank you.

You know?

Now, it's interesting to to me that you would think a major brand would like the association with Quado.

It made me laugh so hard.

I like that I've matured into having a completely mature sense of humor, but it's great.

Now, the other thing I'm realizing is maybe they cued the vomit fast because the show is running long.

Because also, I'm looking at the script at the end.

Do you remember who comes out at the end?

Oh, Arnold Schwarzenegger comes out at the end?

Yeah.

Daryl comes out as Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And that's kind of muddled too.

Well, yeah, it's like he had a long thing about, I want to speak to you about education.

the quados in this scene represent the students of california

you know just like a weird long thing yeah i thought it all got truncated for time and that's why it got super weird yeah because he runs up goes i'm auto schwarzenegger i wrote this sketch yeah and then he holds up his hand and he has an ear on it

that proves it which all adds to how delightful the whole thing is perfect yes the sort of it's more how we would honestly end a pre-tape which is like it gets crazy and then you're out but it's so hard to control that that live that it has to happen almost on accident.

So many weird last ideas that happen that are just a pile on of insanity.

But also, just to like put two people in a bar frig and get Daryl totally dressed as Arnold Schwarzenegger and put a fake ear on his hand for like five seconds of screen time, you would not normally do that.

Like, that's probably why we had a long thing for him as Schwarzenegger is to make it worth putting him in it, you know?

Right.

But in the end, it actually maybe is kind of mercifully short.

Wait, because I didn't see this one, though.

Is the audience actually liking it?

I couldn't tell if you were being sarcastic.

Yeah, they're really enjoying it.

They love it.

They are enjoying, I mean, let's be clear.

They're enjoying how gross you guys are trying to kiss high five.

And they are not as on board with the idea that quados are into cements and molson.

Oh, that's weird.

Yeah, that's not the stuff that sticks.

But it did stick, Andy.

It stuck with us.

Because let's be clear.

Much like how we said, I cannot hear the word gold without thinking of Kristen Wick saying it.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not hearing the words cement and and molson as often as i hear gold yeah cement and molson are forever tied to quado for me i was recently in foggy london town as i've mentioned right yeah a few times uh in past apps and there were multiple people on set that would go would you like a smint because sometimes you get offered you know as an actor a mint yeah post lunch or whatever anyone would anyone like a smint and i would go oh is it a british is it a british mint yeah is it a bigger over there or something on this particular set, Smints were flying like Smints.

It would be so funny to me if every time they offered it, you thought they were bringing up Guado, this guest.

He did, clearly.

Do you want to swing?

You're like, yeah, haha.

It's been, it was a lot of fun.

I'm glad you liked a lot of fun.

I'm 5% embarrassed to admit it occurred to me.

Smints are UK-based.

Smint website is a dot UK.

And it came, it was 1995 that they were invented or whatever you want to call it in the UK.

Invented.

I wonder if you're allowed to say I I just

invented some mints.

Well, mints existed.

We know that.

We should be clear for the kids listening.

Mints were around before 95.

But not Smiths.

Smint was forced sugar-free mints.

So I would say, Andy, if you get offered a Molson in Canada or a Smint in Foggy London Town, it's probably not Quada related.

Not Quada.

Flip it.

If you flip it, if somebody's offering you a Molson's in Foggy London Town, that's a quado head.

Damn right.

Yeah, Deep.

Yeah.

Now, on set, and I apologize for my ignorance.

Are they bringing the Smiths around on a Smiths trolley?

No, it's oftentimes hair and makeup as a courtesy will be like,

would you like a mint?

Would you like a toothpick, like post-lunch stuff?

It seems like a courtesy, but also like a courtesy for them because they're looking at your face and probably don't want to smell your like whatever you just say.

And getting in all close to fix up all of your blemishes.

And do they say things like, your breath is kicking like Declan Rice or Harry Kane?

Do they sort of make it more modern?

Yeah.

I mean, these days, probably Jude.

Do they make it more modern?

Your breath is kicking like Jude Bellingham.

Yeah, exactly.

AKA well.

Oh, it's very.

It's kicking quite well.

It's kicking well.

Real quick, Roy Rules, it should be noted in the digital short brackets.

Roy Rules did make the final 64.

It was a 15 seed.

That feels about right.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure there's a few that made it further through that I personally like less.

I'm sure.

You know, I think that for the songs, it does feel like a song on a concept album where they're all songs songs about a guy named Roy, and you kind of are like, Yeah, there's no good singles on it, but

I mean, musically, it's not good on purpose.

So, it's an album track, yeah, it's an unhinged character guy, yeah.

So, guys, I know Andy's a little biased here.

Criterion collection, Roy Rules, does it make it?

Oh, can I start?

Yeah, yeah, just to let everyone off the hook, yeah, please.

I think no, okay, I think it's a delightful confection, and I think it represents a type of giddy like dumbness that we love.

And I feel proud of Roy Rules.

And I think it was cool that we did something that was personal in a weird way like that.

But I think if you're holding it up against the cream of the crop, I wouldn't put it in there.

Yeah, it feels, it feels too lazy to me to put in.

But can I ask another question about this criterion collection?

How many spots do we get to put in this criterion collection?

I kind of don't want to give this hard fast rule.

Okay.

Then no.

then still no.

It either feels that way or it doesn't.

Now, Andy, I have a follow-up question.

Would it be Criterion Collection if the only two shorts we ever made was this one and the one we're going to talk about next week that's in the Zach Braff show?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's way better than that.

All of a sudden, it's Citizen Kane, right?

For sure.

Roy Rules is funny.

Yeah.

It's funny.

And it's got a beginning, middle, and an end.

It escalates and it's got a couple laughs.

All right.

This is, I think, what we call a reverse tease when you start talking about

the next week.

We come back, a shitty guest.

You got to be a real fan for next week.

I'm very much looking forward to talking about it.

And that is going to be our next one.

This season is the one we keep, you know, talking about how we were so tired from Hot Rod right off the bat and how we had a real run of stinkers at the beginning until Dick in a Box.

But the last three, which was United Way, Dear Sister, Roy Rules,

I think that that's actually we're on a little bit of a run.

Yeah, Yeah, you're right.

That's a really nice run of things.

Roy Rules

didn't have legs or wasn't, you know, didn't make the impression those other two did.

By the way, United Way and Dear Sister are both criterion for our discussions.

Yeah, absolutely.

And I think that that says a successful season to have two of those.

I think us in 10th grade, if we had seen a Roy Rules on there, we would have liked it more than a lot of other things.

A lot of the big ones.

We would have been like, that's

I'm on a boat's fine, but Roy Rules is our shit because it's, you could tell there was something special happening there.

Yeah, that'd be my guess.

Maybe still now I would feel that way.

That's what I mean.

There's something, there's something there for a certain type of weirdo.

Just to loop back to when you had, you said, I have a Lauren anecdote.

I would love if the Lauren anecdote is that he called you after it aired and was like, I'd love to meet Roy.

I cried watching it.

It was so sweet.

I mean, can you imagine if somebody came in and saw the two of us together?

They'd be like, oh my God, they both rule.

All right.

I'm going to ask one more time for questions.

You can leave them in the YouTube comments.

You can also, we have an email address.

It's thelonelyislandpod at gmail.com.

Whoa.

All right, you guys.

I love you all very much.

I'm very excited about next week.

The host was Zach Brath.

The show was very good.

The short

middling.

We will leave it there.

Cliffhanger, you got to be a real fan for next week, guys.

Only real fans next week.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Love you too.

Yeah, love you too.

Love you, buddy.