Laser Cats! 2

Can I say something on a personal note?

Oh, TS.

It's insane that we don't ask guests to do this because every person on earth that I know is currently asking me to do their podcast.

Yeah.

It's out of our shame.

Maybe this will make this one special that there's no guests.

I think that's the great gift.

And, you know, I do want to point out that I have a second podcast called Family Trips of the Myers Brothers.

And Andy, you're one of my closest friends.

Oh, here it comes.

No, he knows not to ask.

Here it hasn't come.

I haven't asked you.

Because we're doing this.

No, because.

And he knows your attitude.

I'm trying to be a bro and not ask you a question.

Because you don't have guests on it.

It's just your family.

Did you just say we don't have guests on?

Yeah, like, because why would you?

That's so rude to people to ask them to be on a podcast.

No, we do have guests on.

Oh, you're a piece of message.

And thanks for being a loyal listener.

We have guests on every week.

It's a guest-based show.

I barely have time to listen to this one while we're doing it.

Okay.

Well, I guess the opening of this show, the cold open, has been a pretty soft plug for my other podcast.

Don't listen to Seth's other podcast.

Live your life instead.

Go outside.

Oh, my God.

This is coming from Andy, who doesn't go outside that much.

You don't know that.

You don't know that.

I'm inside when you're in town because it's the only time we get work.

Oh, geez.

Now we're getting done at brass tags.

We'll cut all this.

Everything is saying, is it the lonely island to bars podcasts?

You guys, this is episode who the fuck knows of Seth Meyers and the Lonely Island podcast.

Woo!

We should just act like these are months apart so that we can just repeat ourselves and forget what we said and just give up.

We're not going to give up.

It's episode 16.

16?

We're doing great, guys.

This is awesome.

I'm pumped.

I am curious what more we're going to have to say about laser cats with each successive laser cat episode.

There's infinity things to talk about.

There are infinity things to talk about.

Infinity.

I want to start by saying this is the first time that Jake Gyllenhall hosts SNL.

He has done it since.

He was a wonderful host.

He showed a lot of musical chops that I didn't know he had.

Enjoyed my week with him.

Yeah.

I want to talk about a lot of the sketches in the show, but I also want to ask, did you know after the first Laser Cats that you were going to do another Laser Cats?

Well, if the internet could have stood on its feet and started chanting more, more, more, I would have.

You know what I mean?

So yeah, I did.

Can't even tell how sincere that is.

Were you guys hearing a lot of good things about the first laser cats?

I don't think so.

No.

No.

I think we just wanted to.

It was like one of the only things we've done.

We were like, making another one didn't sound gross as an endeavor because it was so low stakes.

Well, I think because the comedy comes from the fact that nobody would want you to do a second one.

That's our comedy to present it to you.

That's why I liked it was knowing that you were going to.

I think you've nailed it, Seth.

But that is also the

internal logic of it is that as well, because you are pitching it to Lauren.

Yeah.

And he's he's super bummed out.

Yeah.

I do think the idea that no one wants it does make it funnier to us, definitely.

And now eventually, of course, we are going to reach a place, not yet, but maybe after this one, there is going to be the recognition moment for Laser Cats.

That moment has yet to come.

Yes, correct.

There's a little bit at the top of this one.

Yeah.

You can hear it.

A tiny bit.

You know what?

You're right, Keith.

I take it back.

There was more than I thought there would be.

But I also think it's because we did a good job of restating the premise and educating the audience that there had been a first one because we assumed they didn't know that.

Yeah.

it is a very nice education.

It's a serialized narrative, it demands more episodes.

Yeah.

Oh, that's interesting.

Yeah.

So you actually think you moved the football a little bit forward plot-wise with this one?

Definitely.

Oh, for sure.

Oh, absolutely.

We've introduced some big ideas, like the idea that some people might want to make laser cats back into regular cats.

Oh, yeah, I guess we hadn't established that.

Also, Admiral Spaceship's into a new phase.

He's in his The Rock in Walking Tall, not using guns phase.

Yeah, there's a lot of growth.

Not for long.

Yeah, there's character development there.

There's character development, there's character regression.

I do want to say that we start with Lorne in his office.

We start with Bill and Andy explaining that the first laser cats was not what Lorne had wanted because, of course, that ended with Lorne saying he thought it was bad.

And you guys lay out that cats that shoot lasers out of their mouth is childish.

And you have made something for adults.

And you go to maybe one of my favorite Andy Wells, which is saying that you are now doing something about politics.

That's right.

And what do adults love?

Politics.

Yeah, so we went out and shot an entirely new film that is just ripped from today's headlines.

I think you're going to be really impressed.

Okay.

Because of the war in Iraq, eventually there was a nuclear war.

And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths.

Some will use the cats for good, others for evil.

Who will win in a world of

laser cat cats?

Specifically at SNL, where talking about politics somehow makes everyone seem like God's gift.

Okay.

Congratulations.

You read the boring part of the news.

I feel personally attacked.

You don't read whatever section has laser cats in it.

The funniest.

Last time I checked, I tuned into the show to laugh.

This is what Seth has leaned into

on the other half of his post-SNL.

Yeah, but he's funny at it.

Okay.

Anyway, the best is that you go, this is now about politics.

Immediately, Lasercat opening.

This is, again, credit to you guys.

Never overstay your welcome.

Because my memory was it was a long scroll about politics, but it was pretty immediately like, because of the war in Iraq, it immediately goes to Lasercats.

Yeah.

And I think there's an appreciative response from the audience because they were maybe ahead of the joke as well.

And I think they thought it was really funny how little time was spent on that.

Also, we didn't know if we had actually tried to write about anything political, we would have ran out of steam pretty quick.

It was nice that you guys were at least aware that there was a current war in Iraq.

Right away, wonderful performances by Fred and Amy.

They're on the news announcing that they have developed the serum.

Is that the best way to describe it?

Yeah, it can reverse the radiation process.

An antidote, maybe even.

It's healing the cats.

Well, that's it.

We finally found the cure that turns laser cats into regular cats.

Now the world can live in peace.

I'll be taking that.

Dr.

Scientist!

Fred falls down and Amy does a very good early laser cats move.

She falls slowly because she wants to make sure she sets her glass on the table.

Yeah, she doesn't want to break that beaker.

Yeah.

We clearly told them this stuff was very expensive.

It belongs to like my uncle.

He lent it to us for the day.

Do not break anything.

Yeah, and she lets you know with her face that she is very aware of everything that has been screamed at her before the take.

Yes.

There's a world of backstory.

There's a world of backstory.

Now we see Admiral Spaceship and Nitro.

And Nitro.

Yeah.

They're playing some ping pong game.

Space ping pong?

Space ping pong, because you guys are just swinging ping pong paddles and then later you're animating in a ball.

Yeah.

It's weird to say that it was digitally added, but I think even if it's the worst digital ad, you still have to say that.

It was digitally added.

Yeah, it wasn't a ball on a stick or anything.

No.

i'm gonna tell you it's probably just like a period like you type into your keyboard it's not even probably it definitely is it's just the circle that's how we made it there's no way that we spent the time in photoshop to make that to make a circle that's how we would make a circle is by typing in a period and then just changing the the font to red yeah yeah and just blowing it up big great

so then there's this other thing that's very frustrating to me which is sometimes the people in the backgrounds of laser cats have a little bit of costume yeah but other people have no costume at at all.

Oh, this is frustrating to you.

This is so frustrating to me.

Because there's basically someone sitting at a desk, no thoughts been put into their look.

And then someone walks by with like a bucket on their head.

Yeah, like a tinfoil hat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, not to jump ahead, but later in the elevator, in the elevator lobby or whatever you call it, there's like eight people that walk in, look right down the lens, like, oh shit, are they filming in here?

And we left them all in and just shot them with lasers.

Yeah.

It's just a bunch of crew guys like annoyed.

Yeah.

They didn't seem super affected by the lasers.

And one guy walks in, sees your shooting and walks out.

And you guys actually very nicely time him getting shot with a laser.

So it almost looks like that's what causes him to.

Yeah.

The logic is flawless.

That's also why these were our favorite to shoot because there's no location scouting.

There's no looking around.

There's no even just being annoying and shutting down anything.

We would just go do it.

And we would just wait for an elevator, get on it, and shoot it.

And you would use hallways that no one used.

Some of them.

No, we used just the main hallways.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What hallway did you get trapped in?

Was that just the...

No, that's the trash one because it has those fire doors that will shut automatically.

On 17, yeah.

Yeah, the elevators.

That's the secret path to the bathroom faster.

Yeah, that's what I thought it was.

Yeah.

But we use that because it had those automatic doors that would shut.

Remember, whenever there's like a fire drill, they would shut on their own?

Yep.

So those are like space doors, essentially, to us.

I feel like we didn't use it, but that at one point during shooting, those freight elevators opened.

Oh, I'm sure.

Absolutely.

Those guys were psyched to see you.

I think we maybe missed this as the plot point, which is we flip over a whiteboard and there's a bunch of laser cat weapons.

Is this aliens?

What's a movie where they're just like gearing up?

I mean, it feels like it maybe.

But I don't know if we had a specific reference.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The copy machine hand scanner, I thought, was a nice new touch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love that.

The sound design paired with the wrong image.

That was kind of how we would write them, is we would literally come up with a series of bits before.

I'm just going to keep talking and assume you guys will split it up later.

Oh, yeah.

But that is, I'll, I'll take it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

But that is how we would write.

Are you on a delay or do you just not listen?

Can I just say this part?

So that is how we would write them, though, is that we would kind of brainstorm a series of like 20 to 30 bits of like how we would want to do it and be like, heck, how can we jerry rig these into a story?

You could almost say we did it exactly like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, where we'd think of the set pieces first, almost exactly like those two guys.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Well, there's so little plot that that's amazingly easy to believe that was the case.

It's airtight.

Thank you, Seth.

But again, we have our first plot moment.

You flip it over, and Bill is gearing up with his laser cats, and he goes to hand one to Andy, and then he says, oh, right.

I forgot.

You don't use laser cats anymore.

Yeah, he's a pacifist now.

He's a pacifist now.

We've done none of the legwork getting to this moment.

This is all we've said about it.

We will not hear another word about it until later.

Just rewarding the viewer for knowing the tropes.

It's a nice trope.

We don't need to do the boring part.

Right.

And you guys get locked in a hallway, and we see, was it Doctor Scientist?

I think his name changes, doesn't it?

Yeah, we might say it different throughout.

I do believe I say it plural at one point.

Doctor Scientist, like attorneys general, doctor scientists.

Doctor Scientist, Jake Jalenhall, enjoying himself a great deal.

It should be noted.

Having a gap.

Touchdown.

Heads up, partner.

We're in Doctor Scientist's lair.

He's an evil genius.

What the?

We're trapped.

Welcome, Nitro and Admiral Spaceship.

Careful with those laser cats, the walls are coated with mirror.

Screw that.

Woo!

Jilly Fish.

That's when us calling him Jilly Fish took off.

Oh, yeah, that's when that took off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In our office.

Yeah.

You sort of saw something in him that you realized at that point Jilly Fish would be a good nickname.

Oh, yeah.

He is in my phone as Jilly Fish.

Great.

He's jellyfishing a lot in this.

Yes.

P.S.

No way that the number is correct anymore.

That's the number he gave me that week.

This is a very interesting thing, Andy.

How many people, like numbers you get at SNL, where you realize it's just fucking pointless to think that's their number anymore?

There's no way.

The week Ann Hathaway hosted, she gave me her number because we were talking about like logistics of the digital short.

And she was like, just let me know what we're doing.

And then I realized like this year, I've like reached in my pocket and pulled my phone out and it had been FaceTiming her, like butt dial, FaceTiming her for like 45 minutes.

He got so nervous.

I was like, oh shit.

And then I was like, it's not her number.

Yeah.

That was like 10, 10, 12 years ago.

I feel like the four of us have had the same number since we've met.

And it's because none of us have been single for very long since we met.

I feel like the people that are changing their numbers is because they're ghosting people.

Oh, that's interesting.

That's interesting.

I actually have a different number than we first met.

Oh.

But not by choice.

I remember I had a two-on-two cell, which was like unheard of.

But you were single when we met.

That's true.

Had to ditch that one once he got married.

Yeah.

You guys are in the hallway.

Lasers are banging around because there's mirrors on the wall and you're dodging.

And it's the fun because you're dodging.

And we know as a viewer that you've put in the lasers bouncing off the walls in post.

So you guys are just, you know, jerking and hurking like a couple of dummies.

You only use it once every Laser Cats, to my memory.

Perfect cutback to Lorne.

Really good, dead-faced, bummed-out Lorne.

Not happy.

You could only go to that well

once an episode.

And this was a good time.

Once a cats.

Once a cat.

Lauren was good in Laser Cats.

He really sold it.

It almost seemed like he actually hated us.

Almost.

Hey, Keeve, give us a little, like, use the words you would use to direct Lauren right now.

I mean, he would always understand it perfectly.

Yeah.

And every time we'd write him into something, we'd be very apologetic, but then he'd always be very game to do it.

Maybe surprising me that he's always a little more so, like, willing to be on camera than I anticipate.

Is that fair to say?

Yeah.

But Keith would always direct these with a bullhorn, and so he'd be screaming at Lauren.

Yeah.

Just going, less, give me less.

I would get Signorelli's bullhorn and just yell I wish that I had a funny answer to that but in truth he would just do a good job and know his role I think that is one of real credit to Lauren which is he even the audience thinks he didn't want to be in it right and yet I do think he likes to be in it but that is that really good performer thing which is he never looks needy yes and he doesn't want us to think it either because he's you know too cool for it but then he always is like yo where do you want me but it's also easy to not seem needy when you don't need to do it yeah I think that's part of why it's fun for him also is because he knows he doesn't need to.

It's just, is he in the mood or not?

Yeah.

He liked to wear his own clothes.

I think that's the key to having Lauren in a sketch.

Like Sandler.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just prefers to dress as himself.

He likes to wear his own stuff.

And maybe that was my problem.

I shouldn't have.

I have a quick Sandler story before we get back to this that you guys will all enjoy.

Let's do it.

Please.

I went back to my hometown, same hometown as Sandler, and did a show.

After the show, I'm talking to my friends, and they were saying, oh my God, Sandler was just in town a couple of days ago playing basketball at the high school.

Everybody was losing their minds.

So I texted him and said, Hey, I'm back in New Hampshire.

Just did a thing.

And he just wrote, As no one here will be surprised, like very lovely,

ah, good for you, man.

Give everybody my best.

Can't talk more.

I'm driving.

And I said, Oh, yeah, eyes on the road, be safe.

And he said,

Just hit two deer and spade.

All good.

Wow.

Just hit two deer and spade.

All good.

All good.

Wow.

That is a sweet burn.

The best.

The dream.

He knows what you want.

Oh, my God.

I will tell you this, that I was in my childhood bed in New Hampshire where I remember watching Sandler's first time when he did stand-up on David Letterman.

And I knew that he was a kid from the area or he'd grown up in the area.

It was so deeply surreal to be in that same room texting with him.

Right.

Yes.

You know, over 30 years later and realizing he's even better than I could have hoped he was that night.

Yeah.

And then let me ask you a follow-up.

Yeah.

So you're in your childhood bed.

I know exactly.

Oh my God.

There's no way I know where that's going to.

I'm already bummed.

We all don't know where to go.

You don't know what I'm going to say.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Go for it.

Did you jerk it?

Oh.

You was what I was going to ask.

It is that you knew what I was going to ask.

Yeah.

Answer him.

Yeah, did you, though?

Yeah, answer the question, Seth.

Are we doing a podcast or not?

So, yeah, you get the text and you're like, oh, God,

comedy legend.

No, I mean, it wouldn't be to the text.

No.

No, it's to the old posters on the wall.

Yeah, like an Elle McPherson.

Kathy Ireland.

And yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Christy Brinkley.

Of the era.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can I ask a plot hole question that I hate to be the one to bring it up because I feel like somebody else is now going to throw it back in our face.

Okay.

Laser Cats doesn't have plot holes.

They're in this mirrored rooms where you can't use lasers because they'll ricochet everywhere.

But then he just shoots the door.

Yeah, then it goes to Lauren watching, and when it comes back, he just shoots the door.

That's my favorite part in the whole thing.

Yeah, I loved it.

And the door just basted open.

It's like, good one.

It's the best part.

Found the weak spot.

Yeah.

I almost feel like Laser Cats is built from the plot holes of other sketches.

It is.

For sure.

We intentionally were doing plot holes as jokes.

That is one of them.

And then when Bill is clearly dying and then at the end, just jumps up and is like, that was too close.

He's like, oh, he's totally fine.

Another great visual gag.

Before we get to the ending, when Bill says, I need to reload.

And then it's the really fun switch back and forth from stuffed cats to real cats.

And it just, somebody sets a cat in front of a dish of cat food.

Yeah.

You can hear him.

Like a little name.

Go, Dougie, Douglas, or something.

There's that shot earlier, too, where it cuts to them and they're just standing still.

And then the scene kicks in where it's clear.

It's like a miss at it.

Yeah, a lot of that.

It's very Garth Merengi, though.

Yeah.

Very Garth Merengu.

And if you haven't seen that, guys, go check that out.

Garth Merengi's Dark Podcast.

You've already said that on the podcast, I think.

I know, but you can't say it enough.

Okay, thanks for phrasing that kind of in a British way.

It's very Garth Marengi that.

I did it on purpose.

Been watching a lot of Bake Off.

Yeah.

Is it called Bake Off or is it called The British Baking Show?

No one knows the answer.

In England, it's called Bake Off, but they can't say that because of Betty Crocker.

Something like that.

There's some legal reason why they can't say that.

So now we get to the dramatic conclusion of this Laser Cats, which ended more abruptly than I had a memory for.

Because we know they'll get shot.

We know Andy doesn't use Laser Cats anymore.

So this is, you know, great screenwriting.

You have created a problem.

And now we, the viewer, know you've created this problem.

And we are excited to see the mental gymnastics you have used to solve this problem.

Never let ourselves off the hook ever.

Doctor scientist is walking over.

You have your back to him, Andy.

He's about to kill you.

You're over a dying Bill.

And he basically says, you know, you're about to die.

And you say, you forgot something.

I just started using laser cats again.

That's a good, that's a good line.

And then I cock the laser cat.

It makes the sound of a shotgun, and then a very clear bullet gun sound, and his blood sprays all over the place.

It is my favorite switcheroo piece of audio that we ever use in the laser cats.

The ultra violent real gun sound as his brains are blown out on the wall.

And then another detail that I really like is as soon as that happens, like maybe just frames later, Keith pipes in the whackest dink doink music.

It's so bad.

It's just immediately in the wrap-up music.

Did you make that, Jorm?

It's so whack.

I can't believe we found it.

I have to listen to it again, but I made a lot of stuff on the program Reason and then made it very

funny if you did.

It's like being at the worst version of the Star Wars cantina.

But it's also the timing of the cue, like the climactic moment, which is again, yes, unearned Seth.

But then like,

blood.

Wow, that was too close.

Yeah, we were in the wrap-up now.

Not wasting people's time.

I also want to say about the blood hitting the wall, because again, there's never been any gore in laser cats.

It's basically like pong lasers hit people and they just sort of fall to the ground.

It's nowhere near enough blood.

It's just a little tiny ketchup splat.

The idea is you've basically blown his brains out with a shotgun.

Well, to be fair, none of us have ever done that, so we don't really know.

But yeah.

So do stunts come in for that, though?

Probably.

I was always shocked at how many times we would have to like be waiting for something.

Maybe not on the second one, though.

I think that we did a lot of this stuff ourselves.

I think we just squirted something on the wall.

Yeah.

You'd think so.

You didn't want to make a mess because we were cleaning it.

And Andy, yes, that was my music.

I would basically make a whole folder full of bullshit beats and then we would just drop them in randomly.

And I'm sure that's how that happened.

He just dropped in the first one.

I was like, yep, that's good.

If I had a critique of Laser Cats 2, the outro bookend with Lauren is pretty soft.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And slow.

It feels pretty familiar to the first one.

Yeah.

It's kind of junky.

Also, after seeing, now that we've seen seven of these, it feels very obvious.

Yeah.

But even then, it doesn't get a huge laugh.

It peters out.

And it peters out in a way where I remember watching and being like, well, they're certainly not going to do a third after that ending.

Joke's on you.

I think we've seen the last of Laser Cats, everyone.

You fucking wish so.

That's why we waited a year every time.

So you'd forget i would never forget it's got a nice google maps bit in there oh yeah you do have a nice google maps with the spaceship oh also what what was the sort of spaceship you drive out of the elevator that we were so psyched because horatio sands had left a a jazzy scooter meant for older people uh that i believe ozzy osborne gave to him yeah so it was like sort of a tricked out jazzy scooter that had like some ozzy cool guy imagery on like a little basket and we were like yeah let's just make that into a spaceship And we got a bunch of cardboard, but it was lying around and we did that all ourselves.

You can't even tell.

It looks professional.

I immediately saw it and I was like, I bet I know what that is.

And this says so much about what the 17th floor of that building used to be, which is Ozzie Osbourne sent a gift jazzy.

The person he sent it to left, didn't take it.

And it just was in the hallway

for years after.

And by the way, no one ever needed it as a jazzy.

Did Ozzie Osborne on the Osbournes have a broken leg?

Yeah, I think Ozzy Osborne had a broken leg, and so there was like a season of that show that had a lot of jazzies in it.

I asked you when we got on because this is fun.

You know, there was a whole show built around laser.

You couldn't just air Laser Cats 2 at 11.30 on a Saturday night.

You had to have a whole sketch comedy show around it.

Right.

What to buffer it?

It would be madness.

Which we always objected to.

We were like, just air it and then air 80 Minutes of Black screen.

Jake Dylan Hall in the Shins, first of all.

That's a pretty solid show.

Yeah.

And my question question to you is: this: There was a sketch written by the three of you.

Andy, your name is first, then Keeve, then Yorma, called Meatballs.

Oh, when I mentioned this, Andy, you said that didn't air, did it?

It did air.

Give me your best guess as to what it's about.

Wait, I'm looking at the rundown now.

I opened it up.

Before you speak, it says Samberg Armison.

The Samberg Shaffer Tacone is part of Laser Cats 2, I think.

Oh, you're right.

Sorry, I take it back.

I take it back.

So now this question for you, Andy.

Meatballs, Samberg Armison.

I want to say Jake Gyllenhaal is at a restaurant on a date.

This is just what I'm guessing.

And he orders meatballs and spaghetti, and then it cuts into the plate.

And me and Fred are the meatballs.

Yeah.

Oh, I do remember this.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

It really is cool.

Those are the coolest meatballs I've ever seen.

I know.

They're wearing sunglasses.

That is so cool.

Uh-oh, it looks like your meatballs are smoking.

Oh, yeah.

No, I mean, they're actually smoking.

smoking.

I didn't even think you could smoke in this restaurant.

Oh, man, these meatballs don't care.

They're so rebellious.

I know.

I don't even know if I want to eat them or ask them to make me a mixtape.

Again, brevity is our friend.

Brevity is your friend.

You did not overstay your welcome.

Basically, to explain the sketch, Jake and Kristen go to a restaurant.

They're very disappointed when their pasta comes.

They just thought it would be cooler.

Yeah, that's something people say about their food.

Yeah, they got spaghetti meatballs, and it's just a little normal, and they thought it'd be cooler.

So then, Bill, the waiter, says, I'll look a little closer, it's pretty cool.

And then we cut, and the meatballs are Fred and Andy in sunglasses as meatballs.

Yeah, basically, California raisins, but meatballs.

Yeah, it's very much a California mood.

And you play some cool music, they're pretty psyched, smoke some cigarettes.

And then, of course, where I think it's all going is they eat one of the meatballs.

Yeah.

A fork comes in and grabs Andy and it's a pretty good moment.

Well, this is just getting ridiculous.

Yeah, ridiculously cool.

I guess, but come on, what am I supposed to eat?

You know,

just have one of my meatballs.

I have two.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Do it.

Little guys have to eat.

We have to eat, right?

Okay.

Here I go.

There was an applause break when you got picked up and taken out.

Yeah, it played really nice.

Yeah.

It was very nice.

It was very short.

Yeah, right.

Like three minutes, 15 seconds.

Yeah, that's killer.

Give it a look.

It's not going to ruin your day, everybody.

It feels like we've been doing this for about three and a half hours.

So is it time for Seth's Corner?

Is it?

Yeah, go for it.

Let's get over there.

Seth's Corner, you're all invited.

Seth's Corner, it's happening right now.

Take it with it.

The great Jim Downey and I wrote a sketch called Bush Address Cold Open based on the fact that I probably wrote seven sketches with that title.

I I have no idea what it is, and I'm not going to go back.

Law and Order acting coach, I wrote with Amy Poehler.

My memory of that is she is a very black box theater acting coach, teaching day players on Law and Order how to do their roles.

I've asked everybody to prepare a scene.

You!

My assistant, Kenneth, will read with you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah, I knew Sarah.

Excuse me?

On Law and Order, we do not start until we hear the bump bump.

Begin.

Yeah, I knew Sarah.

Uh, not well.

Our kids were in daycare together.

Honey, put that down.

Did she ever talk to you about your ex-husband?

Sure, she mentioned him from time to time.

There was some trouble with the childcare payments.

Was she dating anyone else?

No, maybe.

There was some guy, but I never heard his name.

I really have to get going.

Stop!

Scene!

Have you ever watched Law and Order?

There is only one rule for a three-liner.

Never stop moving.

Kenneth, bump-bump me.

Done far better by John Mulaney years later about like how people in the first scene scene of Law and Order are only in the first scene when they stumble across like a body in the leaves in Central Park.

To bring that up to date for today, I was just asked by a location scout this morning to rent my house out to Law and Order.

Really?

Yeah, I said no.

I know what happens on those fucking film sets.

No fucking way.

Yeah.

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I then wrote a sketch which I don't think you could write today.

And maybe you couldn't even write then because we cut it from dress called Are They Crazy?

It was a game show where people came out and you had to guess if they were crazy or not not or the job they claimed to have.

That's funny.

Wig and Jake are the contestants.

She's a mother too from San Diego, California, and he is an entrepreneur also from San Diego, California.

Jason, the host of the game show, thinks that's a coincidence.

Fred comes out as a sea captain, and they have to ask him questions about his job to see if he's a real sea captain.

It doesn't do great.

One of the questions is, where's the ship's bow?

And he says, where the captain says it is.

And then he and Jake think that's really funny.

Kristen's onto him.

He passes when she asks him to name an ocean.

She correctly guesses that he's crazy and he's not a ship captain.

And Jake thought he was.

Yeah, Jake is very trusting in it, I'm guessing.

Yeah, Jason says, what made you say sea captain?

He said, well, he liked the sea.

And who likes the sea more than a captain?

Will comes out wearing a football helmet wrapped in tinfoil, walking as if he's in zero gravity.

He comes out before he can even say anything.

Jake says, wow, a real astronaut.

He's convinced.

Yeah.

He's been to all of the planets.

He's He's friends with all the other astronauts.

They live together at the zoo.

Kristen asks him, how long does it take to get to the moon?

He runs off, comes right back, and says, I just went and came back.

Yeah.

And she guesses that he's crazy.

Jake guesses that he's an astronaut and he's running in.

At this point, Kristen comes over to Jason and says, hey, I just realized where I recognized my fellow contestant.

There's flyers all over town.

He escaped from an institution.

So Jake's crazy too.

Yeah.

Let's get a twist.

And then Keenan comes out at the end and says, this is a part I think you probably couldn't do today.

I was going to say, so far I was with it.

Well, maybe you could.

I think crazy, just probably maybe saying crazy.

Yeah, the word crazy is a bit of a...

Yeah, I was told that you can't do that anymore.

Keenan comes out in a mismatched suit, holding a very old briefcase that is duct taped shut.

He has a shaved patch in his afro that reveals a considerable scar.

We're now out of Seth's Corner.

Can you sing me out?

We're done with Seth's Corner.

Thanks so much, Seth.

Do you remember conjoined twin, any of you?

Oh, this is a Forte Solomon Sawyer Taconi joint.

Cut after dress.

Means you could watch a dress rehearsal version.

Reading it delights me to no end.

Basically, what happens is Jake Gyllenhal is a substitute teacher.

We don't know he's a substitute teacher at the beginning.

He's in front of a classroom and he's conjoined to Will.

It's all right.

So Jake's the teacher and Will is just conjoined to him.

And the problem is Will's really upset because his wife died last night.

Okay.

This is making it really hard for Jake to teach.

This sounds familiar to me.

Was I in that?

Yeah, you were in it.

Yeah.

Making matters worse, all the kids' names are upsetting to Will.

I'm just going to read through.

Thomas Agatha.

Oh, God, that was her name.

Agatha.

Andy, that was you.

I'm here.

Great.

Carrie Branson.

Ooh, that was the site of her tragic tubing accident.

Branson, Missouri.

Ooh, it hurts to hear that.

Carrie, are you here present?

Good.

Let's see.

Jim Deadwife.

Oh, now I remember.

Yeah.

No, that's good.

And then Bill says it's actually pronounced deed

And I'm present.

Then Jake, this is the most forte line.

Jake, next is John Deedwiff.

Oh, are you two brothers?

Jason, no, we're not related.

And mine is pronounced dead wife.

Then Will, very loudly into the phone, hello, I need to speak to whoever's in charge there.

And Jake says, Bart, could you keep it down?

He says, I'm sorry.

Funeral parlor, I'm making arrangement for my wife's burial too loud.

And then one of my favorite lines is Jake says to Will,

this is a new low, Bart Mettler, and you can go straight to hell.

Will says, my wife died.

Jake says, Will wake me up when you've had five wives die.

And then Will says, oh, so this is a wife dying contest now?

And Jake says, yes, and I'm winning five to two.

Oh, no.

That's a real reveal.

Not five to one.

Second way, yes.

Oh, no.

Two to two died.

That is good writing.

Now, you might think that is the craziest twist in this sketch.

There's another real forte twist coming up.

Will, ooh, Douglas, what in the name of God is happening to us?

Whilst reflecting on the fact that he and his brother shouldn't be fighting.

What in the name of God is happening to us?

We've been connected to each other since birth by

the penis.

Oh.

And though our penises are still one, our hearts have never been further apart.

Jake, Obart, you're right.

I'm so sorry.

It's not your fault.

I've lost every woman I've ever loved.

It's mine.

I'm the one who keeps marrying hospice patients.

Oh, boy.

It's great.

I'm a big fan of this sketch.

And then they make up, and Jake goes, class is over.

I want you to all get out of here and tell the world what you've seen today.

Pay it forward, pay it backward.

Spray your pay everywhere.

And then Will says, don't be afraid to love.

They will die.

They always do.

And it hurts, but not as much as never loving hurts.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got a woman to bury together as brothers, brothers who share the strongest connection there is.

And then Jake says, family.

and Will says

the penis.

That is really good writing.

I will say pay it forward, pay it backward, spray your pay everywhere is something that really stuck in my head.

And I feel like we would say around the office.

Yeah, we?

Because it makes so little sense.

I don't know if you can use the term we.

Well, we would hear it and other people would say it.

It takes two to tango.

Yeah, us having ears, I guess, made us complicit.

Yeah, we didn't tell them, stop it.

Stop saying that.

Do you guys want to try to guess the Shin songs?

Guess the Shin songs.

No, Seth.

Am I allowed to look up the Shins on Spotify and see what their most popular songs are and then guess or no?

Wasn't there a thing?

They played the song from Garden State, right?

I think that they did.

I think that was part of the deal of them being on, wasn't it?

Because that was such a huge.

Because it was old.

Yes.

By the time they came on, right?

But it was a thing of like, hey, everyone loves that song so much.

Will you play it anyway?

So it was their second song.

Do you know the name of that song, though?

I do.

You actually knew it or you are reading it right now?

I am reading it right now.

I think I would have got it.

New slang.

I wouldn't have said that.

I wouldn't have known that.

I like the Shins, but I don't know if I like knew their song.

What you don't realize, Yorma, is that they're actually going new

slang, new

slang.

Are they?

No.

I fully fell for that.

Oh, my God.

That rules.

Really good.

I like that Yorma thought they won, they did that, and the song worked.

I was like, oh, no wonder I liked it.

New slang, new

slang, new slang.

It's a new slang.

We're in Garden State.

We're singing this song.

New slang for, so that is crazy.

That song was 2001.

It was four years later they sang that on SNL.

Wow.

What was the first song?

The first song was Phantom Limb, which must have been from a new album because the album was 2001.

Garden State used it in 2004, and then they did it on our song in 2007.

Our show.

What did I say?

Song, same diff.

Same diff.

I do feel like this did show off a lot of moves that Jake Jill and all had.

And I saw him in a musical, I saw him in a Sandai musical in Broadway, and I think I would have been shocked had I not seen him sing so well on our show.

What did he do?

The Dream Girls monologue?

He did Dream Girls monologue.

Yeah, yeah.

You can say what you want, but I'm not walking out.

I

step on the river, bus track and kill.

Never gonna leave you, there's no way I win.

I've always had a lot of love for that guy from this one week we spent together where I always feel like, oh, I love that guy.

Yeah, that's really true.

It was a fun time.

It's just one week 16 years ago.

Yeah, it's really true.

I keep thinking I know him better than I do based on this week.

And he came to our Beowulf screening, so I'll always love him for that.

Oh, that's right.

He was at the Beowulf screening?

I was going to say, didn't he come to the one at Paramount?

Yeah.

I was at the one in New York.

Another time we had a Jaeger bomb set up outside the theater.

Don't funny.

Ah, to be young.

Better times.

Oh, you guys want to hear a really depressing thing?

Yeah, what?

You guys remember I had a favorite bar in New York City.

Yeah.

Yes.

Dublin.

Yeah, Dublin's.

Yeah.

Good times.

I think we drank at Dublin's a ton.

Tons.

It was right by me.

Hundreds of times.

Yeah.

Lovely times.

Hundreds of times.

Every time.

Sort of a darkwood Irish bar.

Yeah, nothing remarkable about it, but just very close and very comfortable.

Perfect place for four people, perfect place for eight people, perfect place if there was 20 of us.

Remember the fact they served food late?

Everything about it was great.

I don't know if I talked about this on the podcast, but one of my favorite memories about Dublin's.

Do you remember there was a summer I broke up with my girlfriend at the time?

And Andy and Keeve and Liz were sitting outside at Dublin's.

And I walked over and met you guys and ordered a beer.

And then that girlfriend called me and was just screaming at me.

And I would just walk around the block, stop in front of your table, have a sip of my beer, and then walk around the block again while she yelled at me.

What a good memory.

Here's the depressing part: I get an email, hey, uh, second-grade parents were having drinks tonight,

and it's there.

Oh, but it doesn't exist anymore, right?

It's just the same location.

Now it's called Hudson Hound.

And I just realized, I'm like, oh, man, nothing's going to say the fun part of your life is over, man.

Back to the scene of the crime.

Then walking back through the doors of Dublin's for second-grade parent drinks with all the parents.

Ordering a non-alcoholic beer.

Seth, just to go back to your story about walking around the block.

Yeah.

The craziest part about that story to me is that I didn't even remember they had outdoor seating.

Yeah, they would have in the summer, they would have like just like three tables.

Yeah.

We didn't live there often where it was good enough weather to be out there.

So this must have been a very specific fall or spring activity.

I liked going there so much.

It was such a default for me.

I just remember laughing so hard at that place and feeling so comfortable there.

It was the best.

But I also remember my wedding.

Our friend Neil Brennan gave a toast and said, i know alexi planned this wedding because if seth had planned it we all would have gotten a text an hour ago that said dublins question mark

it's a guy who knows you pretty well yeah i admire your restraint on doing your kneel impression there oh you could have laid it on a lot thicker it's true i want to hear it now you have to do it uh

I uh yeah it was great thank you yeah I mean I feel like I'm always kind of low-key doing a kneel impression anyway

all right guys so I feel like maybe for the next one it kind of falls apart what this season oh boy we're still editing we're still editing hot rod right so we're just way out of it let's talk about hot rod again hey everybody next episode is going to be a real banger we're going to try to squeeze three or four I'm not even going to tell you the names of them because they're so good Seth yeah they're so good I just don't want people to get so excited they're gonna like shut down the podcast tubes with traffic I know we have to let Andy go because he's gonna be a guest on one right now.

Aren't you doing?

You're gonna go guest on someone's podcast right now?

Me?

Yeah, yeah.

I can't wait.

Just going to spend the rest of my life doing that.

That's great.

It's really good to see your face during these anthems because it just comes alive.

Look, I'm grateful for my life, Seth.

Okay.

Jorm, do our sign-off, just the thing we say at the end of every episode.

And that was the end of the show.

You listened.

Okay.

Now, Keith, do your sign-off.

All right.

This has been Lonely Island Seth Meyers.

See you on the funny ways.

That's what I'm saying.