Sky1 S2E2 - Trans-Siberian Express (January 28, 2012)

The bucket list.

See the glaciers before they melt.

Go on an African safari.

Encounter the world's largest mammal.

The ultimate things to do before you die.

Or are they?

If I was on my deathbed, there's no way I'd want to be climbing Kilimanjaro.

It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.

It's things to do in your life.

Easy boys.

Easy boys.

It's difficult.

He was so suspicious after the last time.

Oh, good Jesus.

We've told him that he gets to choose from the list whatever he wants to do.

This is like an atom remote.

But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats in store that he's not expecting.

Fucking hell.

This is a man who's reluctant.

This is a man who doesn't want to do these things.

No.

Let it happen.

No.

It's making Carl do things that other people want to do before they die.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

This isn't his list.

Travel the Trans-Siberian Railway.

Oh,

wow.

That's the stuff of dreams, isn't it?

This is known as the greatest train journey in the world.

That's its nickname.

But is that because most train journeys aren't that great anymore?

I never get on the Pendolino from Euston to Manchester.

I'm looking forward to this.

I do it because it's getting me from A to B.

Well, I've always wanted to do the Trans-Siberian Express.

I'm now fascinated by Russia, a place of amazing.

It's grim, though, innit?

Russia.

What do you mean, Grim?

Well, all of it.

It's the biggest country in the world, and all of it's grim.

The bits you see on the telly, it's people queuing for spuds and stuff like that.

Now, maybe it is a good train journey to them.

Maybe their other trains are worse than ours.

What if I told you this?

The luxury carriages of the Trans-Siberian Express have, you know, all the modern cons.

It's all luxury stuff.

What's the toilet situation on the train?

I mean, as I understand it, and I have never been on the journey, so I can't say for certain, but there's,

you know, toilets, there's toilets.

As long as there's toilets.

How long are you on the toilet?

Ages.

I sit there.

It's me time, innit?

I like to sit in there.

It's me, there's no one else coming in, annoying me when I'm in there.

Everywhere else I go in the house, Suzanne's there.

You haven't done this yet.

Have you called them yet?

That needs fixing.

She doesn't come in there, shut the door, sit there, my legs go numb.

That's a thing for me that I've got to get up in a minute because otherwise, she will have to come in and help me off.

What a life!

What a life!

He's carved out for himself.

I just did.

It's not one that jumps out for me.

I'm not over the moon with it, but it's better than the others.

That's the problem with this list.

Can we sign you up for this one?

Yeah.

Right.

Trans-Siberian Express.

Yeah.

Enjoy it.

Alright, it just gives us a lift into town.

Hope you do not value life too much and got good life insurance.

The brakes in this car just failed.

It's the worst car I ever bought.

It's British and I never thought a car could be made that bad.

Alright.

What brings you here?

Well I'm going on the train on the Trans-Siberian Railway.

There's things to do before you die.

You've been on it?

Why would I want to do something that's totally predictable?

I'll leave it to you British.

You will be packed in a smelly

carriage

with Russians who will not wash for a week, but they will drink a lot.

Say beer is nothing, just one huge field.

You're You're not selling it to me.

So, anyway, what do you want to see?

The red square?

Whatever you think is worth seeing here.

Nothing.

Right, well, that's not great.

I mean, I thought I was miserable.

Good Jesus.

Honestly, if that's what I'm like, Suzanne always says that I moan a lot.

I'm nowhere near that level, surely.

If she moans at me again, I wish she was here, really, just so I can say, come and meet this miserable bastard.

I mean, he's in the wrong job, isn't he?

He's working with tourists.

They don't get that many tourists here, can't they?

But because of him?

They would.

They'll have him as the first point of contact when people come in.

Honestly, if there was a plane going back now, I'd get on it.

Forget the train journey.

Got a text just asking me to go and check a place out and get some food.

It's got to be better than the taxi ride, isn't it?

Oh but yeah.

Thanks.

What do you think?

It looks alright.

The building's lovely, it's just that there's a lot of blokes sat around with next to note on.

Are they totally nude?

I didn't want to look properly.

I just sort of saw skin.

Some of them are.

This is leather furniture.

You shouldn't sit on a leather sofa with a bare arse.

I didn't like getting my dad's Ford Cortina with shorts on because your skin sticks to it.

I certainly don't want my bollocks stuck to this.

I don't even want to touch it now.

It's wipeable.

But has it been wiped?

I brought you some towel and a hat.

You're gonna go to the steamroom now.

Steamroom?

Steamroom?

Yeah.

It's what we're here for.

I didn't know that.

Nobody said that.

Get dressed and we're awaiting you in the steamroom.

Okay, I'll see you in a bit.

See you.

Cheers.

It's showtime.

Let's go.

Let's go.

You're dressed well.

Listen.

what are you gonna do?

You're gonna take a shower first?

Because you're gonna get wet.

Now everything's hot.

So it's not so bad.

I like a massage.

I love it when I get in.

I say to Suzanne, rub your legs, they're active.

Rub my neck.

Yeah, just a nice rub.

That's all I want.

Nice and quiet.

10 minutes of that

whale noises.

I've never seen anyone in a sauna getting hit by a shrub.

It's like being in a car wash.

And the thing is, because I can't feel anything at the moment, I feel scolded.

They might be nettles.

I'll be covered in rashes in a bit, and then they'll be whacking me again with dock leaves.

Fucking hell.

Fuck!

Is it the good of it?

He says says a lot that women aren't here because women are a bit more screwed on, I think, when it comes to knowing how to relax.

They go up and have a nice little face rub.

Leg massage, facial.

I mean, how do they do it facially?

Rub your face with a brick.

It seems like everything you can't enjoy anything.

Can't wait to get out of Moscow.

I haven't enjoyed it very much, to be honest.

I've had enough of it.

Got some revels just to keep me going, you know, on the train.

Glad just to get on the tracks, really.

Start the journey that I'm here for.

This is all a bit sort of

Aberdeen steakhouse, seventies.

But more than that, it's sound.

Yeah, perfect.

This is all I want, my own space.

No people annoying me, no noise, no crowds.

I just look out the window.

Not Russia, which is what it's all about, innit?

So you're just gonna keep yourself to yourself.

Yeah, that's the plan.

I'm not here to annoy anyone.

They don't have to annoy me.

Just enjoy it.

For me, it says perfect.

I can't moan.

Ricky and Steve, this is what they said I was gonna get, and they've delivered.

No, I'm not going to know.

No.

This, this here.

Yeah.

Room six.

Room six.

Same as this?

Dumb.

Alright, just give us a minute because I need to get

back and shoes.

Alright.

Yeah, I'll come to room six in a minute.

Alright.

Just give me a minute, I'll just put my shoes on.

I'll come down to room six.

Yeah, I'll come down in a minute.

Just let me put these on and get all my stuff together.

And I'll come down.

I will come down if you want to.

I can find it on my own if you like.

I can come down

just packing me stuff

in that one.

This is good.

Smoking garage.

Are we going in the rough part here?

Is it much further?

Much

possible.

Really?

Stay here.

What do I do?

Where will I sit?

This one's mine.

This isn't funny, this.

This is dangerous.

What class is this?

Seriously.

I'm sat on a shelf.

This isn't a bed.

gee i feel like i'm frank i hope there's no there's no one going to be above me again is there that isn't another bed up there is it

it's just not practical this at least you've got a bed which you stop saying at least they've got a bed great for putting books on ornaments it's not a bed it's not a bed

Alright, how's it going?

Did you get on the train and everything?

Well, yeah, it was lovely for about 20 minutes before they moved me to third class.

Nice, that.

It was experience here for a while, wasn't it?

Did you get bored with third class?

And then you just wanted to see the real rush of the house.

Didn't really get a chance to get bored with it.

What was third class like?

What do you think?

Third class?

I didn't even know there was a third class.

I don't even send letters to the class.

Third class.

I couldn't believe there was a third class.

Anyway,

I'm letting you out of the next stop.

It's the 50th anniversary of Yurika going to first spaceflight.

So I've arranged for you to do some cosmonaut training.

You're going to get to ride the centrifuge and experience zero gravity, everything.

Very lucky.

Very lucky.

Alright, see you later.

I'll see you later.

I think it's just something that was done years ago.

It was a nice idea.

In the 60s, there was all that space race, wasn't there?

People keen to get up there.

But then it's just died out.

To me, it's how, like, everybody was sort of into going to Tenerife in the 80s, everywhere as it's day.

Do you know what I mean?

After that, Benedorm.

Before that, space.

It's just

terrible in us.

These are places that are talked about in certain decades, and after a while, people realize they're not that great and they stop going.

And I think that's what happened with like space and the moon.

You're not interested in zero gravity.

No.

I like having my feet on the ground and being in control of where I'm going.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

Can I see this move without me in?

You?

Yeah,

but is it possible to see it without me in, just to see what it it does?

No, it doesn't matter.

It should be inside.

I thought it was a whizzy thing.

It spins round.

To where?

And you,

inside.

I thought I've seen something different to this in James Bond.

It was like an egg on an arm.

And it whizzes round.

And you can see my face, and I can go, oh.

Yeah, that's a film, bro.

It would make it a lot easier if I see someone else go in here, whiz round, and see what they come out like.

Do I have any control?

You will not control.

I came to Russia to get on a train, Trans-Siberian Railway.

I feel sick.

I feel like a chicken.

You just slid in a romantic.

Have you done anything?

No, no, I haven't.

No, of course I haven't.

Why would I?

Think about what you're asking me there, Richard.

Have I done anything like this before?

What's got in a tumble dryer?

What do you mean, ever done anything like this before?

Can you hear me?

We will hear it and see you.

Couple?

Ready?

Please start off slowly.

Okay.

It's moving now.

It's not moving.

It is.

It's moving now.

That is moving.

Try to calm down, please.

They're trying to check your blood pressure.

Calm down.

Put me in this situation.

When the test begins, what we tell you.

It's a mad thing, it was 30 years old, that bit of kit.

And it looked it.

Everything is ready.

Here we go.

It's beginning.

Yeah, I'm here now.

It was like a giant swing ball.

And I was sat in the ball.

0.5.

Only half of 1 G.

He's tipping up and down then.

Okay, 1 G.

How do you feel?

Yeah, just feel a bit.

Work mass signal.

Good for you though.

One more time.

How fast far?

Okay, we go down.

Did it?

It was alright.

I thought I did a good job in the end.

It's not that hard being a spaceman.

It's sort of built up as being

tricky and complicated, but you just got to sit on your ass.

At the end of the day, think about it: they sent a chimp.

I mean, when you're taking over from a chimp, it's not a difficult job, is it?

There's no pressure on you.

In fact, there is pressure on you because if you don't get it right, they go, What are you doing?

Chimp got it, chimp managed to do it.

Why are you ballsing it up?

Just gotta go to a briefing for the zero gravity thing, you know, find out what it's all about.

7 a.m.

We'll meet you near the central gates and we will take you to the airport.

If

during the flight itself you feel bad, don't try to keep it in yourself.

Vomit.

After vomiting you'll be better.

One more thing about the lamps, which are very hot because the power is around.

I don't

want to start whizzing about in zero gravity.

It's worried me more seeing the briefing, seeing the footage of people floating about.

Stephen Hochen has been up there, he's done it.

Yeah, but what damage can he possibly do to himself now?

He's knackered.

Years ago, when they first got on the moon or in space, it was all one small step for man, giant leap for mankind.

Seeing that footage, they've got David Coultard up there messing about in a racing car.

That isn't what it was invented for.

Thought it's communications and all that, they're just chucking shit up there.

Like, what else can we put in?

What else can we see floating about?

No one gets anything.

Harry, have you got that old mattress?

We can take it up.

Do you want to see it?

Do you know what I mean?

What are they doing?

Hello, what is your name?

Carl.

What sicknesses did you have during your life?

Oh, loads.

I get headaches a lot, back pain.

I've got flat feet, kidney stones.

Do you have them now?

I might have them.

Glands, swollen.

Our temperature is normal.

It can't be.

We will go to another doctor.

Hi.

Alright, how's it going?

You're not too bad.

What's going on?

Was getting excited about the zero gravity flight.

Can't do it.

She doesn't recommend you to fly, but you still can fly.

Not if she...

I've got to listen to the doctor.

What do you mean?

They have to give you a medical before you get on it.

The problem is with your throat.

Hold on, what do you mean?

Well, I can't do it.

I would have loved to do it.

I've never been so happy, really, to be ill.

She said your neck's all swollen, your nose is glowing, and your ears are wet or something.

You sound like a fucking Labrador.

Oh.

So

you can't do the aircraft, it's too dangerous, eh?

It's too dangerous, but I'll just chuck somewhere else up there.

No, but they've booked it now, haven't they?

We've booked the flight, and they might as well do it.

Just gotta wait here now, then.

Not that bothered, if I'm honest with you.

Ricky will moan, going, What, we've spent all that money on a zero-gravity flight?

What else could I send up?

Sick of rebels.

I know what will happen.

People will go, don't you regret not doing it?

No, not really.

Never wanted to float about.

It's never been a dream.

I'm not one for getting ill either.

I don't get ill that often.

Got really ill when I was a kid and I ate some old doughnuts from outside Agenbach's.

It's a local bakery.

I went round the back and there was a load of cream doughnuts there and I ate them.

Anyway, the cream was off.

I was in agony.

Doctor came round, told me mum that I was going to die.

He was messing about.

She didn't know.

She had a panic on.

She called my dad at work.

She said, you've got to come home.

Carl's dying.

Oh, what's up with him?

Is that a load of old donuts?

Meant to be whizzing through space and talking to you about doughnuts.

Sky, you're gonna be well pissed off with this.

I've upgraded to second class just so I can stretch my legs out.

Just getting sick of this journey now.

It's mental how long this is.

It's mental.

It's the greatest real journey in the world.

Longest trip in the world.

Right, exactly.

Exactly.

You said greatest.

It's not.

It's the longest.

They've sold something on the worst thing about it.

Why do you want to lose something the longest?

Go to Tenerife on the longest flight.

You won't do that.

You know, I'll get there, see it, and go home again.

You're missing the point, Carl.

Not missing the point.

Not missing the point.

It goes a third of the length of the world.

I know, well, again, it's it's madness.

If you're going that distance, get on a plane.

We've moved on.

It's 2011.

No one questions anyone, do they, when they say, what I do before you die?

On the longest train journey.

It's never followed up with.

What?

How do you do that for you, Nob?

Alright.

What are you doing?

Are you bored?

A little bit, yeah.

I've still got this sort of throat annoying me a little bit, but yeah, a little bit bored.

Not much to do, is there?

Um well, once you get non-link wreck, let's come to your rescue, because um I've arranged a bit of company for you.

I know you're a people person, so I've arranged for you to meet a little magnetic fella, get yourself down to cabin five.

Um you can't miss him, he'll have cut risk to his face.

Apparently there's a lot of magnetic people in Russia for some reason.

Oh, I'm up for that.

It's alright, someone to talk to.

Hello,

Mikhail.

How are you doing?

So, you're a human magnet.

They're magnet.

My magnet.

Sort of tacky.

Look, they're not even, they're not special or anything.

What is going on?

I've never heard of such a thing.

I don't know what use it is.

Looks a bit ridiculous like that.

I mean, cuttlery drawers are next to now.

You can get one for two quid.

You like a human post-it note.

Magnet man.

Magnet man.

Were you magnet baby?

His children are magnet.

What?

Yeah.

That's a normal family photo, isn't it?

Handy when out shopping.

When you go food shopping.

Carrier bags these days are really weak.

Very thin.

He comes our way, tros.

Done.

What about that?

Can you do that, hands-free?

No.

Can you stick it on your head?

No, let go.

See, that's where that would be useful.

If you could walk around chatting,

I'm passing my magnetic powers to you.

I think an accident's gonna happen.

Best if I get out because he's getting heavy stuff, it's getting silly.

I can't think of anything where you go, brilliant,

I'm a magnet.

When do you need to be a magnet?

Well, what superpower would you like then?

I came up with one.

I'd be bullshit, man.

There's so many meetings going on where you know people are bullshitting.

I'd I'd just like to walk in, I wouldn't need a special costume, just dress like this.

And I'd fly in, I'd go, bullshit.

You're talking bullshit, and they'd go, oh, it's bullshit, man.

And I go, yeah, it is bullshit, man.

You're talking bullshit.

And eventually, people would stop talking shit.

Anything that's going on in the world, a bloke selling a car that needs, you know, it's knackered, he's going to do a great run of this.

Bullshit.

Hey, Carl, for Pete Merchant here.

How are you, mate?

Rich and I have actually managed to track down a traditional healer who sort of works with nature and hopefully will help you to fully appreciate life.

So, um, yeah, get out for the next one, mate.

Can't imagine Russians being into therapy.

It's a bit soft, it's a soft thing to do, isn't it, when people have to do that?

Russians are really hard.

I thought they would, you know, they'd think it's a load of old bollocks.

Carl,

me,

what you doing?

Get Capaya, Miamo.

Digging.

Digging.

Your turn.

Canal.

Nowhere easier than this.

What's digging got to do with therapy?

I thought I'd be meeting some woman who clears me head, calms me down and that.

Instead of meeting some bloke who looks like he should be in the Sopranos.

How long did that take?

What time did you start?

Maybe half an hour ago.

That'd be big enough, won't it?

Should match your size.

It's my size.

Exactly.

Sometimes you're better off not asking questions.

Oh, do you understand what you're doing now?

I've kind of worked it out.

I'm digging my own grave.

Hang on a minute.

Is it...

Is it full body?

No.

Yes.

So your head's under?

Gone on the tree?

No.

What you what do you mean?

How do you breathe?

You'll use a pipe.

There's no rules.

There's no rules there.

It's Russia.

They haven't got rules in day-to-day life, have they?

Do what you want here.

Nuttersville.

Usually the signal of three beeps, we immediately take the person out of the ground like this.

There's no proper system.

I said, what do you do?

He said, you just go, huh, huh, huh.

I said, what?

Three?

You could do two, do what you want.

Well, hang on a minute.

Let's let's have a system here if it goes tits up.

That's what I mean.

Honestly, just leave my hands out is the best thing.

Even cover me head if you want.

Cover the head and go like that.

And that means get me out.

Alright, Steve, it's Carl.

Can you give us a call when you get this?

Because I'm just at that thing you set up.

Me being buried alive.

I don't know if you know what it is, but they cover you totally.

I thought they left your head out or something, but they want to cover me up.

Call me back as soon as you get this.

See ya.

Ricky, it's Carl.

I've just left a message on Steve's phone.

Just

I'm at the burial thing that I'm having done, being buried alive.

I'm not that happy about it.

It's bloody balmy, if I'm being honest with you.

I don't know if you know what it is.

If you get this, can you call me just so you know what it is?

And if you're

just give us a call.

So yeah.

If it's quiet, my brain is always against me.

My brain is never on my side.

Your brain will make me panic.

He'll be going, what are you doing?

There's There's worms in here.

You could die here.

Are they still up at the top?

You know, all that of my brain's against me.

So I need to distract it with something else.

Give it some music to listen to, and it'll be happy.

I don't want to panic my brain.

Let's give it a go then.

I'm just gonna listen to some music.

Akabilk, stranger on the shore, it always calms me down.

Alright, let's do it.

Hang on.

I haven't got a pike.

This is one of them things when they tell you not to try at home and all.

Well, then, why is it alright for me to do it, but I'm not done

what's it like down there Carl

no it's fine just just let me have a bit of peace and quiet with you

all right boy got him in this

yeah that sounds horrible I wouldn't do it but uh thing is if they bury you and just leave your head out that's more dangerous because someone is definitely it was a football and give it a boot don't panic that'll make it worse If you don't like it, can you get down at its horrible?

Just show arms, let every get me out of it.

I hope it works.

That's what Curry Katona did.

And she was mother of the year.

Alright, see you later.

Bye.

Hello?

Alright, mate.

How's it going?

What's your bad?

How are you?

I did that thing yesterday, got buried alive.

Cheers for that.

That was alright with them.

What?

Being buried in the ground, having a hose pipe stuck in your mouth?

Brilliant.

To be honest, it has been the most relaxing thing I've done since I've been here.

What does that tell you about Russia?

It sounds to me that you've been pretty much having a lot of lounging around time, which is great.

I know you need to get a chill out time.

So, what we've done is we just wanted to arrange

a little bit of a sort of sporty excursion for you.

You just got to do a quick detour to

Mongolia and then you're all set.

This is my left.

I'm not good on horses.

Set me time, slowly.

No rush.

I'll set.

Even slower slower if you want

Trans-Siberian

It's like balls like leather

hard

hard skin like your boots

Bollocks

I'm with you

to do some sporting that's your house

You got a satellite dish

You got a satellite TV?

You You got Sky?

Sky?

Sky one.

Why are they showing me a picture of a wrestler?

You will wrestle at 10 Adam.

Why?

Why me?

Because he had injured from an accident in the head, so he cannot wrestle.

Yeah, I had an injury.

Driving.

Weak wrist.

He's saying that if you wrestle tomorrow, be health of the family, they will really appreciate it.

But I don't think I will win.

So you're going to be disappointed.

I wrestle.

I don't win.

You get no money, no prize.

Then what?

All the village will know, like, Carl from this family wrestled from the UK, so that's like a good prize for them.

Like an owner.

They seem really friendly.

Of course they're they're friendly.

He want me to wrestle for them.

He said he's got a damaged head.

Now he said it's a motorcycle accident.

Where's the motorbike?

No motorbike here.

He's done that wrestling, but he didn't want to tell me because it would worry me.

Motorbike accident.

I haven't seen anyone in a motorbike.

He's on a horse.

What a lie that is.

I think your outfit's arrived for tomorrow.

I'm leaving my underpants on.

They're all wearing them.

They're not wearing them.

This isn't a costume to fight in.

I'm not happy with this.

The fight was one thing.

Looking like this, and I'm going to get battered.

It's degrading.

Have you got the top on, right?

I don't know.

I've no idea.

It's not the sort of thing I normally wear, Richard, if I'm honest.

So I don't know if I've got it right or not.

I'm sorry about that.

It feels too small.

It's like a small cardigan.

Are you sure that you haven't got one of the kids' clothes mixed up with this?

I look gauntless in a shadow.

I've never had that.

I've never seen my shadow and thought what a diva look.

I look like an acorn.

Right, I suppose the best get this wrestling training done then.

Oh shit.

Hang on, why have you got these clothes?

Why am I wearing this

on?

Are you ready for the fight today?

Yeah.

Just

get it done, get it over with.

We all know the result, eh?

Do you know what I mean?

People at home aren't going to be, oh, what's going to happen?

What a mix this is.

I could go into a jumble sale blindfolded and pick up random stuff and get a better mix than this.

What is this?

What sort of look is this?

Their national dress.

I've never seen it.

I've I've watched Mr.

Ben as a kid.

He travelled all across the world, Mr.

Ben.

I never saw him looking like a knob.

Sun's come out.

Yeah, I was hoping for it to rain, yeah.

Look at the size of the people behind me.

I'm gonna get battered.

I've had about 40 minutes training.

I'll tell you, you better have that camera running because it's gonna be open in a flash.

You'll have to slow it down and all that.

It's not gonna be highlights, it's not gonna be bad bits or good bits, it's gonna just be bang like that.

Quicker than a bungee jump.

Here we go.

Let's get back on the train.

Waste of time, I told you that would happen.

Sorry about that.

This is a bit annoying.

Just looking at this map,

we started off in Moscow.

Steve said, oh, yeah, just go to Mongolia, you pass in, go and do the sport thing.

Done that.

We're still on that same line, which means this train is to Beijing.

That's where I've been.

Did that last time when I saw the Great Wall, didn't like it, they know I didn't like it.

I don't know why I'm going back there.

Alright.

How are the Mongols treating you?

Uh, yeah, the Mongols are alright.

I haven't got any problems with any Mongols.

Anyway, I'm calling you because I've been looking at the map, right?

This train's not going across Russia anymore, it's heading to Beijing, and I've been there.

I've told you I hated it.

I said China dreadful, worst place I've ever visited.

Okay, right.

One,

you didn't see all of China, it's a huge place.

Two, that's why I sent you there, because you hated it.

When will you learn?

This is not a holiday, so go and explore it and make something to Italy, please.

I mean, I wouldn't go there because I saw um video abroad and it looked awful.

But um, we're not the same, are we?

So, uh, you might enjoy it.

All right, I can do what I want, can I?

The last time I came here, you know, when I saw the Great Wall, I didn't really enjoy it, did I?

And I got back and I sort of said to a mate where I'd been, and he told me about this place.

And I was gutted.

I never came here.

All this way.

I never saw it.

So it's weird in a way that

I've had a second chance.

It was like it was meant to be.

I think it's in keeping with what we've been doing.

You know, travel programme, showing you the world, how others live, little communities and all that.

Alright,

this is it.

It's a dwarf village.

It's like this little town that they set up.

Dwarves used to get out of time or something

in China, so they set this up, place where they live and work.

They've made it for themselves, everything they want.

It's made for being a dwarf.

It's ideal.

But they're all happy.

You know.

The skill of this.

I'm doing a little bit of woodwork.

Looks amazing.

I mean, that's that's not crap, is it?

He's done it all, it's all sort of miniature look.

It's really cozy.

And to him, it's massive, isn't it?

You can show me around one of your houses.

I haven't been in one of these.

Just slow down a little bit.

Just hang on a minute.

Just hang on, hang on.

No, you're not meant to laugh.

Too small for you.

Yeah, I am looking for something a bit bigger.

Am I the biggest man who's ever been in it?

It's good, isn't it?

Too small.

Do you know any dwarfs?

Yeah.

I know one.

I know a little dwarf.

Because Rick is.

I don't know what you'd think of this.

He's always playing roles as like elves and Santa's little helper and all that.

So at the end of the day,

what's the difference?

At least here, they work every day, 2 p.m., showing seven days a week.

Dwarfs at home, they're busy at Christmas.

What else are they doing for the rest of the year?

There he is.

Sat on a shelf.

Name's Warwick.

Any film with a dwarf in it, he's it.

Hello.

Is that Warwick?

Yeah.

Hey, it's Carl.

Ricky's mate.

Oh, yeah, alright.

Yeah, what are you up to?

I'm just in China.

I'm looking at a dwarf village and I wanted to run the whole sort of concept by you because I know that people at home get a bit funny about, oh, you shouldn't be, you know, having a little dwarf village and all that.

And it's really good.

The people in there are dead happy.

Nice little show they put on.

Just thought, you know, it sort of covers me if I speak to you and say, I'm at a dwarf village, and you go, Yeah, I've heard of that, it's nice, uh, good on you.

No, I have heard of it, definitely, but I don't think it's nice.

Why not?

Well, I mean, it's like a it's like going back to the days of the freak show again, isn't it?

Really?

I mean, they're all in there together, and you're going in there to gawp at them.

Uh,

well, yeah, I did,

and you know, there is like little blokes in little funny outfits and all that, and you do sort of smile.

But they're smiling.

I think it's alright, in it.

I think it's terrible, Carl.

I can't believe it.

You don't know who's behind the scenes running that.

Did you meet them?

Yeah, there's a king.

An E.T.

Lil?

Of course he is.

That might be a show king.

There might be a...

No, no, it was the head man.

No, it was the head man.

He was at the top.

He had a little cloak on and a crown, shades on.

You could tell he was in charge.

What's happening out in China?

It's it's segregation, it's exploitation, seriously.

It's not this.

You see, you haven't been.

This is what annoys me with people who...

I'm in the thick of it here.

I'm stood by their houses.

They're all happy.

There's a woman who I met who's a little dwarf.

She's only been here four months.

She's already got her own mushroom to live in.

Now, you tell me that's wrong.

I'm just a bit disappointed in you, to be honest.

Hang on a minute, you're being all on your eye horse on that.

The picture that I shown of you on the telly, so people knew you were, you were sat on a shelf.

Yeah, well, it doesn't change my opinion, to be honest.

I was doing something that was important while he was doing that anyway.

So if all your work dries up, they're not making another Star Wars.

You can't dress up as a little monkey.

You've got no money coming in.

You wouldn't think about coming here then?

Definitely not.