Sky1 S2E1 - Desert Island (January 21, 2012)

The bucket list.

See the glaciers before they melt.

Go on an African safari.

Encounter the world's largest mammal.

The ultimate things to do before you die.

Or are they?

If I was on my deathbed, there's no way I'd want to be climbing Kilimanjaro.

It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.

It's things to do in your life.

Easy boys.

Easy boys.

It's difficult.

He was so suspicious after the last time.

Oh, good Jesus.

We've told him that he gets to choose from the list whatever he wants to do.

This is doing the added.

But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats in store that he's not expecting.

This is a man who's reluctant.

This is a man who doesn't want to do these things.

No, let it happen.

No.

It's making Carl do things that other people want to do before they die.

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

yeah.

This isn't his list.

Fucking twice!

Have you heard of the term bucket list?

Yeah.

We've sort of compiled a top hundred that we've taken from loads of loads of lists, and these seem to be the most popular 100 things to do before you die.

Anything you fancy there?

Flying a fighter, yeah.

Forget that.

What's the sort of things you've heard of in the past as a typical bucket list?

It's daft stuff.

Right.

Skydiving.

Bungee jumping.

Why is that daft though?

Because it's not worth doing, that sort of thing.

I think it's dangerous.

But why do you think people do it then if it's pointless?

Because they're idiots.

Sort of gelled permeda types.

Australians, sort of.

You're not jealous of their hair, are you?

No, I just mean it's that sort of.

Yeah, normally I'd avoid them.

I don't want to know them sort of people.

Right, go down the list, okay.

I think you'll find that jumping out of a plane probably is on here and there's his budget jumping, but there's obviously there's a hundred options here of things to do before you die.

I mean, like

being on a private desert island, even though I'm not that interested,

I prefer that than doing the dangerous stuff.

So, should we tick that?

Spend a night on your own private desert island?

Just that one night.

But what am I doing then?

Just chilling out.

Hanging out.

It's it'll be sunny.

You just walk around naked.

No, I wouldn't do that.

Why?

There's no one there.

Just walk around

like nature.

Completely naked as God intended.

I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't do that.

Well, if you're doing that one, we're confiscating your pants when you land.

Just because you never know, one Crusoe who was on there, Friday cropped up.

Who?

Robinson Crusoe.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, he wouldn't have walked around with his knob out.

Yeah, he didn't.

Friday cropped up.

That's what I'm saying.

You think no one's there.

A boat comes in, a cruise with a load of tourists.

I'm stood there with knobbing bollocks out.

Anyway, it's sand and that.

It's not good to be nude in the sand.

Nude.

Okay, spend a night on your own desert island in your pants.

Yeah?

You can go a bit mad though, can't you?

Not in a day.

Not in a day.

If I was there, you could.

Hello, Carl, Steve, mate.

How's it going?

Alright, um, good news.

We found you a lovely little desert island, alright, in a place called Vanuatu, which is in the South Pacific.

Beautiful.

But Ricky and I were chatting, and we thought it was a bit mad for you to go all the way to your desert island and not stop off in New Zealand, which is a great place to experience what is probably the ultimate bucket list classic, the bungee jump.

Jesus.

Okay, now we could have gone straight to the desert island, but instead we've come all the way here for a pointless occasion because it's not going to happen.

I said I'm not bungee jumping.

When we talked about the whole bucket list thing and Steve was going, oh yeah, bungee jumping, that's what people want to do.

They might, but I don't.

And this is meant to be my bucket list.

I've been on the world now for 38 years.

I don't need to introduce this now.

Oh, fucking hell.

I'm just creating a new problem if I do get into bungee jumping.

I don't want to change.

I don't want to get into this.

Can't let it go.

Look up.

Connection up.

Focus on that mountain.

Nah, forget it.

No.

And you're going to die down.

No, I don't want it.

It's so.

Honestly, you'll be coming up saying, I need to do that anymore.

What was that noise?

I just made a noise I've never heard come from me.

There's that noise again.

You're going to go.

Yes, you are.

No.

You have got it, mate.

No.

Nah, forget it.

Come on,

Come on.

Come out.

No, there's a cue.

I don't want to do it.

I don't want to do it.

I'm not taking it.

I'm not going to get a chance.

Buying the fuck out.

Toughen up, Snowflake.

Come on.

Alright, stop talking a second.

Just give me brain just a chance to count himself in.

Do it.

Just do it.

Nah, forget it.

Honestly, yeah, forget it.

I've bowled it.

I bowled it.

How's it going?

How's it going?

I'm in New Zealand.

That wasn't on the list.

Bungee jumping cropped up day one.

What's the point?

Well,

I always thought it might be funny if you, you know, overcame your fears and it would be a triumph.

That's often the case, isn't it, with things you don't try.

People say, oh, I don't like that.

Are you going, you ever tried it?

No.

But then you try it and you like, I know, I didn't like asparagus a couple of years ago.

I love it now.

No, well, that was the same with olives, but you can't put it in the same category.

I made a noise when I was stood up there looking down.

I have never heard the noise come out of me.

It was sort of like a

noise.

I've never done that.

Oh, God, like a little bald wookie.

Honestly.

You didn't do it now.

But no.

Now, you're probably kicking yourself.

You are annoyed that

Steve wanted you to do it, and you've backed out.

Because if you're scared to do something, then you should.

No, I wasn't, I wasn't scared.

Will you stop saying the scared thing?

But you've got a chance to redeem yourself because I've arranged for you to go where Bungie was actually invented, okay?

And this island is also known as the happiest place in the world.

So, no moaning.

I'm going to go and see where the bungee was invented.

Let's see what difference it makes about seeing where something was invented.

It's not even a proper invention.

It's not like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

It's going to be some nutter jumping off a tree with a rope that's attached to his leg.

It's not an invention.

My feet haven't touched the ground.

I can't believe I'm getting in another plane.

I haven't been in the air more than some pigeons.

Pigeons seem to walk about and land more than I've been doing the last two days.

I thought EasyJet was bad.

Look at this.

Fucking hell.

Hello?

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Yeah, just about.

I'm on a plane.

I didn't do it.

I told you I didn't want to do it.

It's dangerous, isn't it?

I said before I left London, I wasn't going to do it.

I think you're taking the piss please.

What do you mean, I'm taking the piss?

I mean, if you could see where I am, I'm not taking the piss.

This is no decent holiday, this.

I'm sat with a load of luggage here with me's in the back of the pilot.

You are!

I've got to try and just control this, otherwise you're going to end up killing me.

I know I should be enjoying this bit now, shouldn't I?

Because

it is nice, isn't it?

But I've just got that little niggle of Ricky and Steve

moaning at at me because they didn't do that bungee jump.

If I come to the happiest place in the world and I'm not happy, like, what's up with me?

I'm here to see this land diving thing, which is, you know, it's like the birth of the bungee, innit?

If I keep saying no to stuff, it's like, will it get worse?

And I'm just thinking through my head about what this land dive is.

If I don't do a land dive, what are they going to find for me tomorrow?

It's like, Carl, get down to tarmac dive.

So that's a land dive.

Yeah, it's a land dive.

He will do this land dive.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You bring me to these places and expect, you know, just for me to fit in.

Looking out for an image.

And you're just dropping me in it.

Carl, Carl, just calm down a minute.

Just why don't you just have a look at a few things?

I will have a look, but he keeps

expecting me to jump.

It's not going to happen.

I'm surprised you think that I'd do that.

I'm happy to go up there and have a look, but I'm not doing the jump because I thought it was going to be smaller than that.

They will dispose for you.

Don't worry much.

Many people come today to see the first white man to jump, so you will do it.

Definitely not.

No.

That's how you're going to do it.

looking steve saying it's the island of happiness i can't see him getting happiness out of that

i mean they look happy and then pants they're wearing look constantly happy

how high is it john

30 meters

30 meters

and what what are they expecting here because

i doubt i'll i'll do it i i

are they are these people expecting me to do it from the top yeah

they wanted to do it to the top yeah Yeah, but why?

Why?

You see, I've got a mortgage and things.

I've got bills to pay.

What a lunatic.

Oh, we bottled it.

He bottled it.

What is the crack?

Fliant, special friend.

It's just dangerous.

Kids shouldn't be doing that.

I mean, mean, people at home say you shouldn't give Xboxes and PlayStations to kids because they don't play out.

That's the alternatives.

Keep them in.

I don't want to be grabbing something.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm happy to have a dance with them, but that's not going to be enough for Ricky and Steve, is it?

When they see that lad diving off there, they'll go, he did it, why can't you do it?

What do you think I can get away with doing it?

What would you be happy for me to jump from if I jumped from the bottom bar?

Is that okay?

That's okay.

Does that count as a land dive?

Everybody agree?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if they say it's right, it doesn't matter what Rick and Steve say.

It's a land dive.

I'm diving from there into the land.

I don't think anyone knows how dangerous it is.

I'm getting advice here from a cabbage.

I've got sweat in my eyes.

This is high up, this.

It's a lot higher than I thought.

This

is the first time I've been in the face.

Let's get a move on.

Probably got a plane to catch.

Alright.

Where are you?

I'm where I'm meant to be now at last.

I'm in Vanuatu.

I spoke to Steve and he was all a bit down on me and that and you were calling me a chicken.

I got there, did the proper land dive.

After they were all like carry me about, the local village all throw me about in the air.

They were loving it.

Done it.

Would you do the real one or did you do the child's version?

But how high was it?

I think you got it to be honest.

honest with you.

Yeah, no, how high?

How high?

It's the one below the child's one, it's about four foot, Carl.

It was about five foot.

Five foot.

Sorry, I

jumped higher than that.

No, I think it was about five and a half foot.

Basically,

if you had fallen over and hit your head,

your head would have fallen from a higher height than it's been doing extremely good jumps.

You know, basically,

if I if I punch Steve in the face and he falls over and he's dead, he's broken the record already.

Because he's doing

but higher than he is going to be

fucking

dropped.

Well, because you've been so brave and so brilliant,

I'd say like no lessons now went the night in a in a in an Arth Eastern hotel, so enjoy that.

This is all I wanted.

This is what I was picturing.

When I picked the desert island thing, just relaxing, enjoying my own company.

Time to think, seeing if my brain works different when I haven't got the stress of Ricky around me, Suzanne asking for stuff, problems at home, the boiler.

That looks never gonna happen.

A starfish and the sausage never meet.

I'm not enjoying it as much as I normally would

because Ricky and Steve have sorted it out, and a bit of me is thinking, Why are they doing this?

It's almost like

being in a private hospital.

Yeah, you're getting a comfy bed, you're getting good food,

but tomorrow you're having a leg off.

Do you know what I mean?

This isn't for me, is it?

I'm not going on another plane, Luke.

It's pointless.

No way.

Get in, get ahead!

Alright.

Fucking hell.

Seriously, how many more flights have we got to do on this?

Because I think it's getting out of hand.

I haven't even had my bag unpacked since I've been here.

It's just been jumping on a plane, off a plane, on a plane, and now I've got to get to another island to get on another plane to get to another island.

It's just doing me heading.

It doesn't even make sense, this place, Van Martin.

82 islands make it up, don't they?

I mean,

how does that work?

It's just in bits.

It's like it's been blown up.

So is that the volcano there to our right?

Land of magic,

land of fire.

I'm not that happy being this close.

If that can go off,

because they can splurt for miles, can't they?

Because I hate burns.

I hate it when I'm doing fried eggs.

You get a bit of fat spitting out ones on your hand.

That's what this is like, just frying an egg.

Just got a text from Steve.

Hello, Carl.

Hope you enjoyed the five-star resort.

Sorry, mate, but the fun's over now.

Time to go a little deeper and see how the locals live.

Plane's taking you to the island of Tanna, where you'll meet a tribe who worship Prince Philip.

Enjoy, Steve.

I mean, what does he mean?

There's a tribe that worship Prince Philip.

How does that happen?

How does that come about?

Just when you know, I think things can't get weirder.

You say, Yeah, I give these pictures of Prince Philip, a 90-year-old man, to a tribe in the middle of nowhere.

Hi, Carl.

What's your name?

I'm Cheche.

Che Che?

Che Che.

And this is Albi, our greatest dancer, the chief.

He's the happiest man in the village.

Is he?

And he's the one to tell you the whole story about Prince Philip and our people.

Rain.

Hello.

This afternoon.

You

like

Prince Philip?

See his face, let's see if he likes this.

You like him, you worship him.

Show you this though.

If you like this,

Philip.

Philip.

Philip.

His wife.

He was 90.

Just a special coin they did.

Five pounds.

Five quid.

Five pounds.

I think he was happy with it.

It's fine.

You can have that.

I don't know where you're going to keep it.

Solid.

Are we far?

Still

hour.

An hour?

An hour on this?

Were they expecting me?

They all look like they're

waiting for me.

Yeah, everyone is with you.

Is there anything I need to do?

Or just say hello?

I'll just say hello.

Hello.

Thanks for having me.

This is like a proper uh proper tribe, this.

These are the photos of the Prince Philip.

It is weird, isn't it?

I mean, here they are, a proper tribe, you know, living half-naked in a jungle.

And yet they like Prince Philip in some sort of god way.

I can't get my head around how that came about, honestly.

What's this?

What's

you met him then?

Hang on, that's not real.

That's a real one.

Well, how did you sort that out?

Because most people who need to meet him, they do a Duke of Edinburgh award.

You have to help old people across the road or that sort of thing, and you get to get your foot in the door and you meet him.

He invites us to meet him at the Winter Castle in London.

I can't believe that.

I can't believe it.

It is weird

that they've got all these pictures up and they worship him.

But at least he exists.

Some people worship stuff, you know, these gods and everything that you don't even know where they are.

You certainly don't have a postcode for your god.

They have, they can write him a letter.

So the chiefs will tell you the whole story about the link between the sana and the prince.

He basically came here once.

And ever since his visit, problems went away.

So they worship him.

I don't know if it's just a coincidence, I don't know if Philip did sort it.

I've never known him to sort anything.

But at the end of the day, it's making them happy.

And if they're happy, they've got all the pictures up, gives them something to look at.

You've got to have a hobby, haven't you?

And that's their hobby in a way.

I want to tell you that

like that we are raised here.

You will be our defendant.

They're heavy, innit?

it?

I'm meant to be here to go on a desert island.

Do they know I'm not powerful?

I'm not a powerful figure.

I'm just a bloke from England.

We depend on you, so now you promise that everything will be true.

What can I do?

I mean, I don't go, what's the main concern here?

What are they worried about?

I'm not quite sure.

I mean, that's madness.

When I was at school, my head teacher said Carl will never be a high flyer.

I'm suddenly part of the UN joining sorting out the world problems and everything.

That's not me, that.

I mean, that's, I think I said the right thing, didn't I?

They don't need to worry, everything's going to be good.

Things change, but I think

it'll be alright.

I'd carry on as you are.

It's a bit sort of something that Obama would say or something, it's quite sort of positive.

Join the queue.

Stay behind the same person, yeah?

This is how we become more happy at dance.

We dance, we gather dance, we dance together, we sing, we clap our hands, tap our feet, make us feel happy.

It's all about keeping happy.

They said if you feel down, have a dance.

And that's true, innit?

If you can get your heart going, it does make you happier.

And I get my heart going by moaning.

When I get annoyed,

that's when my heart kicks in.

It's a win-win for me.

Because my heart gets going when I'm having a moan, and that makes me feel a bit better.

And if I'm happy, I'm happy.

I'm happy, I'm happy now.

No more dancing, I'm happy.

Over the moon.

That was all a bit full on, wasn't it?

Oh,

I still don't know what's going on.

I don't know if I've been signed up to replace Prince Philip or what, but they all seemed happy, so that's fine.

And now Alby wants to take me down the road to the local volcano that he also worships.

So, what can you do?

How high up are we going?

I've always thought it'd be handy having a volcano close to hand just to get rid of, you know, old mattresses, old chest of drawers you don't want.

It's a pain in the art at home, isn't it?

When you've got to call the council 25 quid a time, chuck it in that big hole.

I'd love that at home.

Some sort of big burning hole that you just chuck stuff in.

Is it good luck to throw anything in?

You're not allowed?

We are not allowed to throw in anything.

What's the point in having it then?

Okay, now

Carl, you must struggle to survive in hard places like this in the desert and learn to enjoy yourself.

So, arseboarding is one of the things that can make you happy when you are in the desert.

I was happy.

I was happy when we were down there.

That's fine.

Now we're arseboarding.

I've never heard of arseboarding.

Aspoding is sliding down in the arse.

In your ass.

Yeah.

You see, you're the last people I think want to do this.

You're going to get a load of ash up your arse.

I've got the wrong pants on.

So, what do you hold on to?

You just fucked off without telling me what you do.

Oh well it's not, it's broke.

Alby, can I body your sleigh?

This is knackered.

It's not gliding though is it?

Well like a dog wiping it down.

Woo!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm good at, redesigning stuff, making it work for me.

Worked a lot better.

And that's just what I want to do on my desert island.

Find stuff, make it work for me.

I was loving it.

Did you say he was the happiest or the maddest man on the island?

It was the happiest.

He's loving it.

Have you ever done the thing when you roll down the hill?

Let's share some fun.

Yeah, let's have a roll.

I'd say happiness

is like having a cake.

If you had a cake every day, you get sick of that cake.

And if you're happy all the time, you get sick of being happy.

That's a good saying, actually.

Happiness is like a cake.

Have too much of it, you get sick of it.

New message.

Hello, mate.

Just one more plane ride and another night for you with a tribe.

And Richard and I found you your very own sort of Man Friday.

Alright, to help you survive your night on a desert island alone.

Alright?

I don't know why we're messing around so much meeting all these tribes.

I've met one.

I've met a tribe.

It better be different.

If I get on there and it's a bloat with

his knob in some wicker, I'll be annoyed.

I've seen that.

Is the Man Friday I'm meeting there?

He's one of the chief's sons.

Chief Keramos.

Chief Karama.

What's your language that you speak?

My language is Ninde.

This tree here is a palm tree, but you say Nindin Dip.

Nindin Din.

Nindin Dip.

That we usually eat the fruit.

We call it Naho.

Naho?

Yes.

That one there, we call it Nindi.

It's all N?

Yes.

Everything begins with N?

Everything begins with N.

What's that?

Uh

Leaf.

What's L?

Leaf.

And we call it Lu Hol Ni.

Lu.

It begins with N.

Don't you run out of options.

You see, do your kids play have you heard of a game I spy?

Yes.

You say I spy with my little eye, something beginning with N.

They can't play that A, there's there's no way they'd play it.

It'd be well boring.

Be out all day.

We are going to see where

people are lying.

This is where people are lying.

Yes.

What the hell?

Jesus.

Human.

Yes.

A woman.

What was the name?

Nicola.

Nicola.

Yes.

Just making carver.

Need some sort of room, chop it up, pop it in that thing, crush it up,

add a bit of water.

It's what we're going to be drinking there, which I'm a bit worried about because everyone's sticking their hands in it.

You look at this and you go, looks different,

all a bit weird, pants to be wearing and all that, but at the end of the day, everyone wants a drink, don't they?

But I couldn't be asked, I don't think

doing this every day.

See, it worries me

if tomorrow I wake up and they're going, Oh, you're a good sport, you drank the cavi, you ate the pork, pop a pair of pants on.

I'm not wearing them pants.

I know Ricky kept going on about pants.

I don't know what the rules are.

What happens if they say, Yeah, I pop these on?

These are a pair of the chiefs' underpants.

It's a real privilege.

I'm not putting on

warm

pants.

Alright mate, I'm glad you didn't answer.

That's a good sign.

Hopefully they've taken away your mobile phone.

You don't need that way you're going.

You're going back to nature, your own desert island.

And don't forget, Carl, just you with nothing but sand, sea, sunshine.

and your little pants that is an experience of a lifetime see you later boy

I don't know what's happening today.

The chief's son, apparently, he's going to be going on the desert island with me.

But before he does that, I've got to give him this gift of

a pig.

Great, innit?

Never met him before.

You'd think a box of chocolates or a bunch of grapes would be enough, but I've got to give him a pig.

Some sort of tradition or something.

So I've given you the pig.

You've given me this

barter ring.

That pig makes you an honorary tribe member.

And this morning the tribe would like to honour your presence

by presenting you with your own nambas,

native pants.

I'm not doing that.

We have to give the

nambas to you.

I'm not too worried about that.

Don't trouble yourself.

I'm quite happy.

You've made me welcome, stayed the night,

gave me carver, you don't have to give me any more.

You give that to us, we keep your numbers.

It's our kind of risky.

I thought

I've tried to fit in, but this is a bit of a big ask for me.

I just thought I was coming to learn some skills.

The pants are not an issue for me.

I've got lots of underwear whilst I'm on the desert island.

It's getting a little rampant.

I know, I know it is, yeah, it is awkward.

I'll take away the bus, then we have to do a dance here.

See, they're adding a bit more now.

It's pop the pants on, then have a dance, and that's when things pop out.

But I brought them a pig.

They should be well happy with that.

Why do they want to see me prancing about in some leaf pants?

That's going to be out there on YouTube forever, me walking around with me no belt like that.

You see, this is normal for you, but for me, this will go on the TV.

And my mum, my dad.

Oh, what's Carl been up to?

I'm dancing around with stuff on show.

It's all there to see, innit?

If it was a Christmas present, you wouldn't be getting any surprises.

You're going to know what that is.

You see,

I've seen other Nambas, and there's lots of grass, lots of cover.

Yours is slightly different.

Do you know what?

When I was sat in there last night in the hut and I was looking at it, I thought, quite fancy some sushi.

That's what it looks like, a bit of wrapped-up cod in a leaf.

I'm not wearing it.

There, they can trust you like this.

Yeah, like that, that's good.

Just like that.

And I can leave me

pants on.

Yes.

Well, it wouldn't have been much better if it had gone the other way and wore the Nambas, so

it's a lose-lose.

You're going to go with me sent here, John.

And two of you are going to see this idea.

Spin an idea.

So, John's going to teach me everything I need to know how to use this.

Yes.

How to build

fish, cook,

everything.

John.

Hi, John.

Good to see you.

Right then.

Is this for shelter?

I don't know.

I don't think there's everything you might need on the island, Parl.

I mean, um,

I mean, he's here to teach you what you need to know.

Surely you should be getting involved a bit here.

Um, I think I'm that type who when I need to do something, I can do it.

I don't have to.

Jesus.

Sting wouldn't be happy, would he?

How big is this hook gonna be?

Chuck him on the beach.

Child, see that over there?

That would be your desert island, mate.

Not as big as I thought.

I was picturing the bounty advert.

They've been conned again, aren't they?

It's pissing it down.

I'm on my way over to a muffin.

It's not even that far away, am I?

I'm hardly escaping, everyone, am I?

I thought it's meant to be like in the middle of nowhere, peace and quiet.

Fucking freezing.

Come on, John.

It's just a bad start.

It's like moving on a rainy day.

This you're getting all the stuff wet.

It's all bloody rock.

Won't even started yet.

The leaves are all damaged.

Gotta try and get this done.

Here

is ideal.

Because a little bit of shelter from the wind in that little hole.

tie it.

Actually, I've got some string.

John!

Use the string?

Yeah, use the string, yeah.

Let's just get it done.

It's fine.

More rocks around the bottom.

Yeah, yeah, use that.

Just let's get the roof on.

I mean, I honestly think people at home won't think I'm in the South Pacific.

It's chronic.

Shouldn't be making a shelter, we should be building an ark.

Should have brought more of this.

Never thought I'd be running out of gaffer here.

This wasn't what I expected, was it?

So I think at the end of the day, I think I'm entitled to change the rules a little bit.

Put my coat on in a minute, because this isn't doing anything.

In fact, I think your skirt's growing without that much rain.

I'm not sure Ricky would be happy about this, Carl.

I don't give a shit.

There's no way he'd be putting up with this.

Sort of ruining the look, isn't it?

Well,

that'd be a great look was it

got one

pop it over over your head keep warm

yeah about there

put the leaves on

What's going on with the fishing?

There isn't any.

There's none knocking about

nothing

Nothing here.

It's been me and John sat here all day.

Built this, which I think is pretty good going considering it's been pissing it down.

You squand up over there, fucking filling your big fat face.

And I thought you'd come back with something.

It's not lighting,

it's wet.

You'd survive, wouldn't he, in this situation?

I'm not made for this.

Right, John.

Okay,

well,

I'm ready to go back to my home.

You're leaving?

I'm leaving now.

Tarot here?

Tarot?

Yeah.

Roasted over the fire.

How long?

Probably an hour.

Thanks again, John.

Goodbye.

Cheers.

So basically, I'm eating that sort of raw potato for tonight.

Ricky gave us something for when John left, in case you weren't able to sort of deal with your own company.

He thought maybe you'd like a little um

little friend.

Where's the hole?

So that's all he gave me, is it?

That.

Well what I meant to do

What's the point of that?

Look at it.

Look at it.

It's just going to wind me up that.

She's undying.

When I was in the hotel, that nice hotel that Rick and Steve put me in, I took this because when I opened the kitchen cupboard, it made me smile, right?

It just says eggs on legs.

It's an egg cup.

I've had that out three times since I've been sat here in the pissing down rain.

It annoys me now.

And that's the thing with happiness, you can't just ask for it on demand.

And what might seem like a good idea one day, when it happens, it's shit.

Like this egg cup.

It was good the other day.

I was relaxed.

I was full.

I wasn't cold.

I wasn't pissed wet through.

I'm starving

getting wet all the time.

They are getting wet.

Wet socks is one of my biggest hates.

Well, you haven't got any on.

I know, I know, because it got wet.

Just like nothingness.

Sort of a cross between wood and cardboard.

How's it going?

Desert Island.

Did it.

Done.

Yeah, that was the easy of it,

sitting on a beach.

It wasn't that easy, it wasn't.

It was hardly a beach.

There was no sand.

It was all rocky, sharp stuff.

I had to sleep on it, getting up my arse, in my kidneys, piercing along.

Wasn't the comfiest night of my life.

I sat down to do a crossword.

It was something like, what's the American version of a prawn, which is shrimp?

Now I've relaxed, I know the answer.

At the time, I was struggling.

I love the fact.

This was meant to be like a Robinson Cruncher experience, but it was more like a pensioner.

on Bulgar Beach.

Yeah, but that's what I like, isn't it?

I like sort of being older.

I'm looking forward to that.

Did you get my present of Wilson?

Well, what use was that on a desert island

to keep you company?

Just to think of me, just go in times of hardship.

You go, at least Ricky's over there.

At least I've got Ricky.

Yeah, no,

you with a Nambas on.

Thing of nightmares, that

Jesus.

Little bounty.

All right, then.

see you later, man.

Alright, see ya.

Ricky did say he wanted that football back.

Got 36 hours on a plane to get back home.

I'm carrying that as hand luggage.

A little reminder of that little annoying face.

He's not getting it.

When you finally get to do the thing that you want, you realise it's not the thing you want.

The problem is, it's someone else's list, isn't it?

I've gone into a like a pick and mix, and I've picked the things that I've picked because that's what's there.

I might have gone in wanting licorice, but they haven't got any, so I've ended up having cola cubes.

typical, isn't it?

Day I'm leaving, the sun comes out,

it's a Hilkington look.

la la la la la la la

la la la la la la la la

la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

shoe