Sky1 S1E5 - Egypt (October 22, 2010)

The seven wonders of the world:

Christ the Redeemer,

the Taj Mahal,

the Great Pyramids,

truly man's greatest achievements.

But there's one man who sees them differently.

It's like a pylon to them,

Carl Pilkingcher.

I don't know the correct term, moron.

I think.

He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like mank, moron.

Buffoon, idiot.

Is that normal?

And he's a friend.

He's a typical Little Englander and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.

Farland is a squash.

I just think that it'd be amazing to send him around the world.

What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world.

I've been to many exotic places.

I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.

I want him to hate it.

I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement.

Nothing is funnier than Carl in a corner being poked by a stick.

I am that stick.

And now I have the might of Sky behind me.

Shit!

Shit!

This is one of the funniest, most expensive, practical jokes I've ever done, and it's going to be great.

Just let me go!

Jesus Christ.

Right, Carl, we've arranged for you to go to Egypt to see the Great Pyramids.

I mean, that is a remarkable sight.

Truly one of the seven wonders of the world.

Now, what do you know about the Great Pyramids?

Over 4,000 years old.

4,000 years old?

Are they the oldest thing on the world?

I told you, he needs an absolute.

He needs an absolute.

Yeah they're the oldest thing on the world.

I mean that's pretty amazing.

I'm going to see the oldest thing on the world.

They're not the oldest thing on the world are they?

How do you think they built it?

Just took the time.

Didn't have any distractions.

Now you see workmen it's like you've got to get it done.

We've got another job on.

Back then they'd just be going this is what we've got to do get it done get it built.

Go for that shape and and each day they would have just...

So they went out.

The foreman went, go for that shape.

And they went, all right.

Yeah.

Right.

Go on then.

Enjoy the pyramids.

I think we've got to send him economy.

I think we've got to put him up in shacks and awful hotels.

And that will be funny.

Yeah, the nice hotel seems to have gone now.

It's not good, is it?

This is grim round here.

When something looks grim in the dark, you know it's not going to be better in the day, don't you?

We had to hear Michael Taylor, Monty Python.

And has he been back since?

No, nothing.

How long are we here?

How long are we here for?

I don't I don't know what I mean it's this is this is a bit of a

it's a little bit

grim.

Look at it.

Did Ricky and Steve know this was...

Well they knew Michael Palin stayed here.

Yeah I know but it was you know it was 30 years ago.

A lot's changed.

You know I was still at school.

How many days I'm here?

There's a piano right outside the room.

Well wonder they start playing that piano because it's literally right there.

If they start having a sing-along, I'm

Jesus Christ.

Sit on that.

Sit on that.

Is there a mattress on it?

Sit on that, honest to God, sit on that.

It is unbelievable.

Oh God,

how am I gonna sleep?

It's a bit cozy now.

Ricky will be happy.

Ricky will be over the moon with this when he sees this.

Because he wanted to annoy me.

I don't know how this is teaching me anything about sort of, you know,

being Egyptian.

I mean, the fella who owns the place, his dad's 96.

There's no way you live to be 96 by living on a bed like that in a damp room like this.

And I've been there at it all night, bibbing.

I'll leave it there.

I don't know what I'm meant to be doing today because I haven't heard from Ricky and Steve yet, so I'm just gonna go, you know, go out for a wander,

walk about, deal with some locals, you know.

I think that's the plan, really.

Oh, thanks, mate.

You're all right.

Oh, what?

what?

All the drink is ten bawl.

Coca-Cola, sprayette, water, tea, caffeinas, café, cappuccino, mango, lomo, orange, beer, all the drink, ten bawl.

Yeah, I'm alright at the moment.

Well, I might pop in later on.

My name is Sharif, okay?

Sharif.

Sharif.

Welcome to Isabel.

Cheers, Sharif.

I'll be there for a drink.

If I'll get a drink.

Cheers.

No, it's alright.

I've just had a word with Sharif.

He's gonna look after me whenever.

Sharif.

Sharif, no cafe.

This it.

That's it.

Yes.

Okay.

so if I want a drink, see you and see you for something to eat.

Cheers.

Thank you, mate.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

That's good.

Have a nice time.

I will do.

Thanks a lot.

If I want a drink or something.

My name is Sharif.

He's Sharif as well.

My name is Sharif.

I'm a Sharif.

Oma Sharif.

Sharif.

I'm a Sharif.

This book's dark.

I'll pop in here if I'm hungry.

Okay, mate.

I'm just walking through.

If I get thirsty, I'll pop by.

Jesus.

Do you know what?

I'm not that hungry at the moment.

Yes?

Yeah, I was back there.

I've sort of gone off food a little bit.

I'm okay at the moment.

Alright, thanks a lot.

Cheers.

Jesus Christ.

I've already got some.

Don't smoke.

If I wanted a watch, I'd buy one off you.

Don't need.

For a woman.

My girlfriend's head is slightly bigger.

I don't need any glasses.

Jesus Christ.

If there's one thing that's done me head in since I've been here, it's all this.

You can't walk down here, forget like just using it as a cut-through.

Because it's not a shortcut, it can't be a shortcut because you get stopped every few seconds.

You're right.

So, I mean, I bet you left the house when she was 10.

Seriously, it takes you forever to get anything done, eh?

Well I'm gonna go over and see the pyramids today.

That's the plan, that's why I'm in Egypt, isn't it?

I mean I wish I could have seen them sooner.

You know the sooner I see them the sooner I can go home but

yeah Steve's sorted out some local bloke who's got a camel.

He's gonna take me over there on one of them.

When I was younger I got on a horse and someone sort of burnt the horse's arse with a fag end and it bolted and I was on it and falling off the edge.

So I've always said I'd never go on any animal that's sort of bigger than me.

So, it's a little bit crazy, but it seems to be the way they get around here anyway.

They're all using donkeys and camels.

And so, as long as nobody's named with a fag end, I should be alright, really.

It's crazy here, though, isn't it?

It's a non-touristy bit, isn't it?

This is what it's all about.

So,

yeah, meeting this fella.

I need to use his toilet straight away.

Is that rude?

No, I should be alright.

My mood.

Hi.

How are you doing?

Hi.

Good to see you.

I'm Carl.

Welcome.

Hi.

Come in.

How are you doing?

Do you mind if I use your toilet quickly?

It's just that I've drank a lot of coffee this morning.

I'm trying for the week.

That's my family here.

Hello.

Who's that?

Cooking tea.

Is that your girlfriend or?

She's my mother.

Your mother?

Come on, mate.

She's not your mother.

She is.

Can I ask how old she is?

She's 38.

She is my mother.

In our family, we married when we were very young.

How old are you?

I'm 22 and I have a child.

I needed that.

That's better.

That's me.

I'm a wife.

Is that it now for life?

Are you settled now?

You'll just stay with this woman?

I can have one if I want.

If I feel like I want one, well I can.

There are four women.

You're allowed four women?

Yes, four women I can have if I want to.

But I'm happy till now, but I don't know what to get out of it.

Go pace yourself.

I mean, you're only 22.

Spread it out a little bit, you know.

Do you know like how Snow White had like a happy midget,

miserable one?

She had like a mixture.

Would you go for a totally different woman so that if you're in the mood for someone to be happy, you go, I'll see her today.

Yes.

Life's too short, man.

One, two, three.

Hang on a minute.

Hold on tight on here.

Whoa.

Jesus.

Putty eye up there, sniff.

Alright.

You just need to hold well.

I'm holding on.

Alright.

What's going on?

Can hell.

The bollocks.

Bollocks are squashed.

Is that you or the camel?

Huh?

Is that you?

What?

That sounded human.

That's the camel, man.

Well, you know, a bit of rocking left and right makes things happen.

What you've got to remember is I'm getting the back draft.

How you doing?

It's chronic, isn't it, today?

You can't even see the pyramids.

Come all this way and that's the view you get.

I mean the idea is now that I stand there and I'm blown away.

That's what's meant to happen, isn't it?

I mean I am getting blown away, but mainly by the wind that's going on here.

We've got a sandstorm on, I've got sand in my eyes.

I can't see anything anyway, even if it was a clear day.

It's a bit annoying.

You know, I thought it'd feel more special than this.

I keep getting messages from home.

I mean, Suzanne's moaning about the boiler again, that's starting to play up.

Normally, that's my problem, but now I'm away, I've made it her problem.

And then I'm also getting messages.

Show you this one

from Ricky.

He just keeps sending stuff because he knows it costs me money to receive them.

He's just sent one here

70 pence

because he knows it's cost me about 70p for him to send that.

There's nothing else in there, he's not asking, How are you?

You know, what are you up to?

What have you seen?

Are you enjoying it?

70p.

That's all he said.

So, why are you wearing this now?

It's just comfy wear, isn't it?

I mean, this is like pajamas at the end of the day.

I mean, the problem is, I've been getting mozzie bites and stuff, so I wanted something with sort of longer sleeves on it to sort of keep them away.

It's just comfy, loads of room in it.

Normally, pajamas sort of roll up your arms and your legs and that, but this is, you know, it's alright, isn't it?

I mean, that's a good thing if you lived here.

You could just sort of,

if you start work at nine, you could get out of bed about five to

keep it on straight off.

Steve sent me a text and said, meet up with a lad called Ahmed.

He's going to show me round the place.

Yeah, here's a gap.

What do you reckon?

Yeah?

A la!

Good job!

Easy.

Now you're ready.

Brilliant.

Oh wow.

If you saw that home, you presume it was a pet shop.

What's a pet shop?

Ah, animals that you buy some of your deads for food.

Totally for food.

So when you look at that, do you go, hmm, rather than, ah.

Well, yeah, they eat them.

Sister, I've gotten fail?

Egyptian cotton.

So, what would people do with this?

For mattresses.

I could do with that actually at the hotel.

Right, we'll do a bit of practice about haggling.

You need to haggle, otherwise, you will get ripped off.

Hang on, so I'll come in your shop.

I'm browsing, I'm looking around.

Right.

Looking at your shopping.

This is the finest piece we have.

It's for 100.

100 English.

Seems a bit expensive though.

Now you need to tell me...

You need to tell me...

just reduce it.

You say 10.

So you want me to buy the water then?

I didn't really come in here for that.

I came in here for an ashtray, for a present.

Do you sell ashtrays?

No, for a tray.

Okay.

Have you got an ashtray?

No, no, no, no.

No?

Oh, I'll leave it then.

Right, I'd sack you.

If you had a shop, I would get rid of you.

If I owned a shop and you worked in there,

that's that's rubbish.

Hi, my friend!

How can I lick your money queue?

Alright, thank you.

Welcome to Cairo.

Welcome!

You must be able to go lower than 160.

160 is nothing.

What about 90?

You wanna get it for free?

No, never mind.

You are a very clever guy, but I don't agree with your pride.

Egyptian wall.

Egyptian.

It's 120.

I thought you agreed 110.

No, I said 12.20 for you.

So I'll get money off with the nose missing.

Well, I've been out all day, you know, seeing how the locals live, which is what it's all about.

Thought the day was coming to an end, thought I'd be able to, you know, relax a little bit.

And I've just got a message from Rick and Steve saying they've sorted out a place for me to have my tea tonight, which is a bit of a worry.

I'll get you the special of the day.

Typical Egyptian food.

Yeah, she is.

Thanks a lot.

It's a bit annoying.

He's just cooking something for me, I don't know what it is.

I don't like hummus that much.

Hummus, cus, cuss, anything like that,

I just don't have that sort of stuff.

It's not a meal, it's a garnish.

I would have loved just

chicken and chips.

Just something not too challenging.

I just want a meal, I'm hungry.

I've never experimented that much with food.

I didn't have pasta till I was about 21, 22.

Yeah.

Alright,

brilliant.

I got a bit of a taste of that at the end, and I'm sure I knew what it was.

Let me me just have a bit again.

I'm sure I've had it before.

Okay.

That's rubbery.

Rubbery.

Chewy.

Quite beefy.

How about testicle?

That's a testicle.

Aha.

And a chewy one.

Penis.

Normally on a Monday night, probably have a little bit of lamb that's left over from Sunday dinner or something.

And yet, you know, this Monday night,

cock and bollocks, a couple of eyes,

a bit of tongue, you know, for garnish.

I never thought I'd be saying that.

It's supposed to be good for you as a male, but why do you use everything to that degree?

We kind of eat everything, nothing goes to waste.

And besides, it's delicious.

Well, out of, yeah, I said, well, I didn't say delicious, I didn't say delicious.

You put words in your mouth along with other things.

Hello?

Hello?

Why have you called?

What?

How is it?

How's the hotel?

It's uh

can you hear that?

What is the noise?

It's just it's just car horns and that, constant.

Oh god.

Anyway, the hotel is pretty depressing.

We never said it was going to be all luxury.

You'll see you've got to see the in Egypt, haven't you?

Have you bought all fairs yet?

I'd like to see you in the fairs, I'll be honest.

That was my dream.

What, the little

art?

Yeah, have you bought one of them, haven't you?

No, I wasn't planning on sort of rushing out.

Well, I don't know.

Well, I think you've got to blend in.

When in Rome?

Yeah, but I told you, when in Rome, I'm happy to go along with it.

I'll eat pasta.

But

when in Egypt,

they don't say, do they?

When in Egypt, have a bollock for lunch.

Anyway, I've got to go because I've got having another bottle of wine.

See you later.

When Michael Palin goes working around the world,

is this what it's like for for him?

Has he got racket going on like that outside?

Has he got mates calling him up, annoying him?

I mean, when Palin went round the world in 80 days,

I wonder if that was a scheduled time or if he just said, I'm sick of this, can we speed it up?

Is that better?

I don't know.

I'd be quite happy going home now.

Honestly.

You know, I've been here a few days.

Alright, I haven't seen the pyramids yet, but I bet most of the locals haven't.

Because that's what happens, isn't it, when you live somewhere?

You don't bother seeing the sort of touristy stuff.

I haven't even seen Buckingham Palace yet.

But the weather's bad, isn't it?

So, what am I meant to do?

Does that mean?

So I'm just killing time, really, till it clears up.

Steve sorted it out with Ahmed Ahmed to show me around a museum which apparently is world famous.

That's what Steve said and I was like you mean world famous?

He said yeah yeah it's a world famous museum.

I said I haven't heard of it.

He said what do you mean haven't heard of it?

I said I haven't heard of it.

So Carl I would like you to join me on a journey through time.

The moment we walk in a long history of splendor and mystery will be unfolding.

I will breathe life into history.

So I'm not looking forward to going around it to be honest.

I mean I don't go to museums at home so I don't see what difference it makes just because it's in egypt so you have clockwise from pre-dynastic to early dynastic old kingdom middle kingdom new kingdom so look here he was a pharaoh who is harpooning a nine years old boy king you cannot see the hippo he's harpooning why not see this is the magic because with magic that hippo will come into life so again coffin within a coffin sarcophagus within a sarcophagus you can see in the cartouche is a cartouche is the name of the pharaoh the boy king at some point he was bringing back a pygmy.

Was it a portrait?

Can you avoid portraying the Pharaoh?

This is very hard, of course, to reconcile.

Because the soul will be searching, the car wants to find the Pharaoh, the Boy King, Tutankhamun.

Yes, you do have the cartouche with the Boy King, but it helps even more.

Coming in here with Acmid, it's like a kid in a sweet shop.

It's just

show you this, show you that.

It's mental.

And you can't take it all in.

It's like going Christmas shopping on, you know, Christmas Eve in a department store.

There's too much going on.

There's too much to look at, there's too many people, you're being pushed along, it's a nightmare.

If I call it a day, and get back to, I don't know, eating cop and bollocks again seems more fun than this to me.

That just seems to me like a bit over the top, a lot of uh lot of gold, a bit sort of Peter Stringfellow-ish.

It's exactly the same as me Auntie Nora's house with ornaments.

She keeps buying one and then she has to buy a new shelf to put the ornaments up.

It's like I haven't got enough room.

So buy another shelf.

She fills that and another.

And that's what I'm saying about Ackmid saying they're expanding it.

You know, yeah, they're saying they're expanding it so more people can get in.

But you know for a fact they'll go, oh, you've got more room, have you?

Bring some more in.

Get digging again.

Yeah, it's just the same.

Can I get two pieces of chicken?

Two.

What?

It's a KFC for deaf people.

So what do I have to do?

I don't understand the easy point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One, yeah.

One of them.

For one.

Original.

I don't quite know what's going on in there.

Are they all there?

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Hello?

No?

They're all, they're all deaf.

Thanks a lot.

Brilliant.

That's good.

Good idea.

What do you have a death KFC?

Well, yeah, because

why not?

You know, I don't come in here for a chat.

You're coming here for food.

Fast food.

I'm taking it'll be even faster because they're not chatting behind there.

A lot of the time in McDonald's, you know, they're all gabbing, aren't they?

By the nutshake counter.

But in it, it was quick, it's there in front of you.

Point, bang, done, out.

It's amazing, isn't it?

I mean, with technology, most of it, you don't really use it, do you?

It's kind of like a toy.

But seeing them use it, it sort of makes you realise it's a good invention, video calling, and picture messaging.

But when Ricky sends me a picture, it's that sort of thing.

So,

this is what I'm saying, we don't sort of use it properly.

They've got a proper use.

Do you know what I mean?

I'd say that's the most annoying thing about being in this place.

Just being hassled all the time, no matter where you are, no matter what time of day it is, just constantly hassling you.

Deflive sort of tapped me on the back, gave me a bit of paper.

I couldn't read it because it was all in Arabic, and

pointed to say it's a charity thing.

And I went and gave him £100 Egyptian pounds, so he got £12 quid off me.

He didn't even look that happy.

I'm skinned by the end of tonight.

Spent a lot of time with some deaf people in KFC, they were nice.

I don't know if he was deaf.

That's the thing with that one, isn't it?

It's not like all the other disabilities where you can go, is he lying?

You know, you can see if someone's got a leg missing or blind or something, but with him,

oh, that's terrible.

There you go, that's a mum.

My mum's the same.

I think that's who I get it off.

My dad said she walked up to some fella who she thought was a big issue seller, who stood there with the magazine like that in his hands.

She walked up, she said, It's all right, you can keep the magazine, gave him a quid.

Turns out it was just a fella stood outside going places with a holiday brochure in his hand.

He kept it.

Alright.

Oh, I can hear the steep.

Yeah, alright, mate.

How's it going?

Not too bad, yeah, how are you?

More importantly, did you go to the Egyptian Museum today?

Yeah, but I've seen that.

I went to the Millennium Dome.

I saw it's all the same stuff.

Alright, well, I've at this I've got something a little bit more cut up your streets if you like the museum.

Go on.

It's not my sort of night at all.

It's just not the sort of entertainment thing I do.

I mean, it's nice going down any river on a boat, but I do it in the day.

At night, it's pointless, you can't see anything.

And it's that thing, it's like you know you're there for a couple of hours, there's no getting away from it.

So they could do anything once you're on there.

They had some entertainment on with someone whizzing round and round and round, and he he starts off, he's got like a quilt round him, and he starts spinning.

And it was only when he'd been spinning for about three minutes that I thought, oh, actually, it's pretty difficult, he's just been spinning.

He'll be getting dizzy in a bit.

And it went on for ages.

It's not the sort of thing you have to watch whilst he's doing it.

You just glance over now and again, oh, he's still going.

How and a bit of turkey.

Not a waste of energy, though.

It would have been good if, at the end, they said, and thanks to you know, Terry, he's been whizzing round, and because of that, that energy is created.

Had the oven working, and we've got more food, or just something to make it seem more impressive than it was.

But the colours and that were good, and it sort of kept the room quite cool.

You know, it was quite hot in there, so you got him wafting about, creating a draft.

I didn't know what was going on with the comedian.

I mean jokes anyway, even if he spoke English, humour's different, innit everywhere you go.

It was a terrible night, wasn't it?

Do you know what I mean?

I hated it.

It's not my sort of thing at all.

When I got up and was dancing,

because I did it just because I thought, well, I'm here now, and Ricky and Steve don't want me to do it, it.

They know I'd hate it, so I thought I might as well enjoy it.

So I got up and had a dance.

And she told me that, you know, I was the best dancer she'd ever seen.

Not bad, is it?

The traffic's horrendous.

It's not just the traffic, it's just beeping.

But it just seems to be like people letting on to each other at four in the morning.

Like, go home, what are you doing?

So, um,

I reckon I've had about

I reckon I've had about an an hour's kick.

I mean, that song walked like an Egyptian.

No one's walking.

Everyone seems to be in a car at all hours, just beeping.

It's not enough, is it?

It's not enough to say something's amazing just because they're old.

Because you can get an old person who's done that all their life, you wouldn't go, they're amazing.

You go, no, they're a lazy bastard, don't they?

Oh.

So, age shouldn't really make something special.

I'm not worried about who built them, because it's ages ago, really.

When I first bought my first house, I didn't go, who built it?

I want to know: is it safe?

Is it structurally sound?

Is it haunted?

What's the rush?

It's been here for 4,000 years.

What's he doing?

This is mental.

It's a lot of uh

a lot of shit.

You don't normally see any of this, do you?

You don't see that many buses there.

It looks like it's sat in the middle of like a nice desert.

But it isn't, is it?

It's just a building site.

I'm half tempted to ask for Ardat.

I mean, it's not even bits of old pyramid, is it?

You've got all sorts of.

You've got bricks here from like council houses and that.

It's literally just

people have brought up shit and dumped it here.

It's like some out of Planet of the Apes, isn't it?

Barren.

It's like a little tornado, isn't it?

Yeah, you don't see that in the brochure, do you?

Shitty old nappy whizzing through the air.

I tend to leave that out.

You see, I've always wanted to see a tornado.

That is on my wish list before I die.

Because it's natural, it's a natural thing that I don't understand.

If that was like a little housing estate, you'd go, Yeah, any will do.

Are they all the same size?

The design actually is a bit odd, isn't it?

Because the square footage, the floor size, is massive,

but the upstairs bit is tiny.

Alright, Carl Mate, it's Steve here.

How was the pyramid?

I imagine it was extraordinary, wasn't it?

Rich and I have got another treat for you.

We've tracked down a couple who they're lovely people, but they've got sort of different views, alternative views on the pyramids.

And they're called Andrew and Saya.

Let us know how you got on.

The Craig Pyramid was built by Atlantean survivors with extraterrestrial help, and that they built the pyramid with the help of sound because sound was used very much in Atlantis.

Well, Andrew and Sayer were just saying that they use the pyramids at night, they just nip in there to do some meditation and what have you.

So they said I can go with them, but I've got to learn to do some meditation first.

So they've just given me some words to learn.

Once I've done that, you know, they said they'll tap me in.

So that seems fair enough, doesn't it?

And neck, Shashen, Odbenu.

They're washing up before we do this.

Leave the washing up for Saya.

It's spoiling the mood a bit.

Leave this.

Yeah.

And next

we bainu.

If you open that door, I just put those there.

This is madness.

Gandhi wouldn't have washed up before he starts.

Can't escape noise in here.

And next.

We bainu.

How long's this gonna go on now?

A couple of minutes, two, three minutes.

It's five times a day.

You might as well finish the washing up.

No rush with the washing up, Andrew.

I tell you what, I bet they don't show you around a property round here at certain times of the day, do they?

No, probably not.

When you're buying a place.

Come on, we've got to get going quick.

Why?

Just let's go.

You buy it, this kicks off.

Unbelievable.

That was all a bit weird, wasn't it?

But I liked it, you know what I mean?

I'm into that sort of weirdness.

Plus, it means that I'm actually going to go inside a pyramid tomorrow.

It's all worth it, wasn't it?

Got another Mozzie bite

there.

It's well itchy, that one.

I think it's that same mozzie.

It's in the room more than the cleaners are.

They haven't shown the faces still.

Nothing they're going to now, I can't see the point.

It's like a game of Jenga that's got out of hand, isn't it?

Pretty high, open it.

I've took a little bit of it,

took a little bit of

the pyramid, I think.

Got a little piece.

I don't think you meant to.

But it was loose, I didn't ship it off, it was loose anyway.

Just it's better than the tap that you're buying it.

It's better than you know, buying a little Egypt fella on

the back of a camel.

But it's weird, isn't it?

You're allowed to just wander about on them.

If this was at home, there's no way this hook would all be roped off, wouldn't it?

Wouldn't be allowed anywhere near it.

It's not treated like a wonder, it's just like a man-made mountain, isn't it?

Well, I'm just with Andrew and Sayer again.

They're going to teach me some more chanting before going the pyramid.

I don't know what's going on in her head, but you know, I like her.

I think she believes in all the energy thing that she's going on about.

You know, I want to believe it.

It'd be nice if something happens, or you know, if I feel like a bit of a, oh, what's that?

Let's see what happens.

It's times like this when I think, you know, I used to have a proper job.

What am I doing?

This is it then.

I'm actually going inside a pyramid, which is good.

I didn't even know you could go in them.

I just thought they were like a solid structure.

Do you know what I mean?

Just a load of blocks.

But you can get in them, so pretty exciting, isn't it?

We are now in the centre of our planet.

In ancient PowerPoint.

I wasn't that happy about getting in there.

I'm not good in small spaces anyway.

Do you know what I mean?

I just was thinking, oh, I don't like this.

There was a dead body in there.

But I've got in somewhere where some.

All them injections I had, it'll be alright.

It'll cover me for that, won't it?

I mean, it was alright.

You know, nothing happened, did it?

You know, I got a little bit of a twinge, but I just think that was cramp.

I don't know, she seems fed up, really.

That I didn't get anything, but there's no point pretending, is there?

That sort of humour in her.

I'll tell you what it reminded me of.

Me going to a wedding for Suzanne.

She likes going to weddings, I hate going.

And it was like I went, I did it all for her, but because I didn't enjoy it, I still get a moaning at the end of the night.

And it was a bit like that.

I did all that for her.

And it was pretty comfy.

I mean, you know, compared to the Windsor, I tell you what, I could probably get my head down in there.

Alright, mate, Ricky, hope you had a good time in Egypt.

Did you enjoy the hotel?

I picked that one out myself.

And see you later.

It's not funny, is it?

What?

Well,

I've been living next door to this.

Did Ricky put me in that one on purpose?

Yeah.

This is the room Michael Palin was in.

I don't know if I mean they say travel broadens the mind, but I don't know if it does, buggers it up.

I'm knackered.