Sky1 S1E8 - "An Idiot Abroad" Karl Comes Home (November 11, 2010)

What's this in The Guardian?

Guardian Guy, pick of the day.

Alright.

Oh, pick of the day.

This will be a good review then.

You can see here this ball-achingly dull series.

Have you ever, as your balls ever ached from watching a programme?

Have you ever watched a programme and gone, I don't know if I'm enjoying this, but my balls are aching.

I ate it.

This is the dullest thing.

Oh, hang on.

It doesn't, I don't know what that means.

His balls are aching because the series is that dull.

If TV that he doesn't like makes his balls ache, why don't he turn it off quicker?

He must get a twinge and go.

The seven wonders of the world.

Christ the Redeemer.

The Taj Mahan.

The Great Pyramids.

Truly man's greatest achievements.

But there's one man who sees them differently.

Most of the world is grim.

Go Pilkington.

It's hard to let people know how bad it is.

Oh, Jesus.

I was ill, fed up.

Want to go home?

Tired and didn't like where I was.

I'm not staying in that room.

What's it about?

The stuff that these eyes have seen.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

There's loads of things that you go, why do you do that?

And they go, it's tradition.

Why is this traditional Chinese massage?

Your body's in proper shock.

I don't like having danger in my life.

Who are you giving this all this shit?

Sky one.

That's who you're giving all this shit to.

If I had a bad heart, that could have done me in.

Shit.

Shit.

I'm not doing any more anyway.

It's the end of it.

Just let me go on.

Jesus Christ.

Hello and welcome to episode 8 of An Idiot Abroad with me, Ricky Jermais, Stephen Merchant.

Hello.

And the eponymous hero,

Carl Pilkinton.

I suppose this is a roundup.

In a way.

We've watched the series, we've laughed.

We've cried.

We've got angry.

I got bored as well.

But But welcome back, Carl, because you know it's quite an adventure.

You can see it for miles.

It goes on for miles over the hills and everything.

But so does the M6.

It's almost like a,

you know, like a diamond in a turd.

You don't see that in the brochure, do you?

Shitty old nappy whizzing through the air.

Tend to leave that out.

The stuff that these eyes have seen, right,

they'll remember it.

Well, it's funny you should say about your eyes because I've been consulting your diary here.

It says the other reason I'm finding it hard to relax is that there always seems to be something going on, something to take in.

I think I've blinked less since I've been here as I don't want to miss anything.

So my eyes have been open longer than normal.

Maybe that's why my eyes are so tired.

When I was there, I was using my eyes more.

When I'm here, sometimes I don't know what they're doing.

Are you with me?

No.

What do you mean?

Life here can be quite boring for your eyes.

Sometimes driving, I get to some place and I go, How did I get here?

And it's because you're not really looking where you're going.

While driving?

No, it's only the little odd things in life that makes your eyes sort of go, oh.

Well, there's been a lot of things, hasn't there?

Food.

You've seen some pretty grotesque things.

Like that fellow there who was your driver in China.

Oh man, this is incredible.

Look at this slot.

Thank you.

She's alright.

What's he having over there?

Good Jesus.

Does he know it's not all in one piece, that noodle?

Are we in a race?

I didn't realise.

I mean, what?

Why is he in a hurry?

I'm in his van.

Should I be getting a move on?

He's meant to be giving me a lift home.

The suction on that.

It's just one minute there.

It's like opening an airplane window.

Just all sucks out.

Well, I'll go out.

That's it, he's eating it.

I've hardly touched this.

What's he got now?

What is that?

I think it's chicken speed.

You don't pick a food by what sort of feet it's got.

Just have chicken if he wants chicken.

Weird pain, he could have had anything he wanted.

He's spitting it out now, he's just spitting its nails out by the looks of things.

No, thanks, you're alright.

I wouldn't mind it, he's been munching like mintos in the van.

He's never offered me one of them.

It gets a chicken feet.

Suddenly, he's keen for me to have one.

He's just spitting stuff out, he's chewing on it, he's spitting on it.

I can't eat this.

See that then?

It's his van.

He'll have to clean it up.

You're not having pudding, are you?

See, I'm with you on that.

There's no reason to eat like that.

I don't think you'll ever hear of a Chinese man who's starved to death.

Because there's no reason to.

Street food out there, I thought street food meant, you know, you have chefs on the street cooking food.

They don't mean that.

It's street food.

Whatever's calling about, they grab and eat.

Yeah, honestly.

Are they dead?

Are they totes?

Honest to God, that market, I thought it was a myth all that before I went.

I thought they don't eat weird stuff like that because there's no need.

There's loads of stuff in the world.

You don't have to get to that level yet.

I think even in Lost,

that programme, they didn't even get to insects and that.

They were stuck on an island there with coconuts.

At no point do you see one going, I have to eat a squid or a lizard or a scorpion.

It never happened.

Yet there, they just don't have that.

Not a problem, just shoving them in the face.

I mean, I don't think they'd arm a celebrity to get me out of there in China.

Because they'd go, it's the problem they're lovely, or you can eat buffer.

Not a problem for them.

That thing on the bus, when they're all going,

it's disgusting.

Doesn't matter where you're from.

I don't know what you have to do over there to offend someone.

Just farting, burping, spitting.

That driver, he farted three times one morning.

No one sort of went, oh, yeah, I had a laugh about it, you dirty swords.

Nothing, just carried on.

But that's the way they are, in a way.

Are they right?

Is that the way we should live?

I don't know.

Noise has been a big thing on the whole trip.

Look, here you're complaining about all the noise in Brazil.

The ears just haven't stopped since they've been here.

They've been overworked with constant, you know, drums,

singing,

whistles,

chanting,

donks,

helicopters, Gays.

One massage for your ego.

Gays one, you know, I'm going to be on that list, but the one I met here just wouldn't shut up.

Now, I went to Brazil during carnival time.

I had a whale of a time.

I'd really enjoyed myself.

Great.

It's lively.

It's vibrant.

Loads going on.

People are in good spirits.

Colour, energy.

You, nothing but whinging.

No, because I don't like...

you know, the carnival and the block parties.

It's all parties for me.

I've never liked them anyway.

I've never really had them.

I've never had a birthday party.

I just, when I see them, you know, like that advert for Iceland, Iceland supermarket, you see Kerry Catona and Christopher Biggins have a little volavant.

I don't look at that and go, that looks like a good night.

No.

But you're meant to, aren't you?

It's meant to give you a good feeling.

Iceland supermarket, look at the fun you can have with the food.

I don't know where that party would be happening.

But I don't look at it and go, I'd love to be there.

And it was the same in Brazil.

I don't like false fun that's what it is false fun yeah I don't like it when people organize stuff come around Thursday come round and have a drink and a chat I don't know how I feel on Thursday but you'd never get anything done if you didn't have a bit of planning no because you just um you go with it it's good because you could go up to somebody and go want to come around tonight I've got some beers in and have a chat I wish you'd have said I'm going to a party

no you're not no you're not because there isn't such thing as planning I'm just in the mood I'm walking down the street Okay.

I see you.

Yeah.

Want to come around tonight?

No.

Why not?

I need more notice than that, really.

Why?

I've left a chicken out.

It goes off to me.

And I go along.

Alright, Steve, are you coming around tonight?

He's having chicken with me.

Well, no, but I didn't know that because we hadn't arranged that.

Yeah, you haven't taken it.

So I've got something going on, Rick.

Sorry.

I can't eat a whole chicken.

Do you want a chicken?

Okay.

And there you go, you see.

So my night is better than yours.

I'm eating your chicken.

I'm having a a free night out here because there was no planning going on, and I'm getting a free night of chicken.

What?

Now, imagine if on the Wednesday before you went.

What day is it now?

What day was today?

Tuesday.

So, Tuesday, we're all walking down the street.

I always get emails from people going, Are you coming out next week?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't like it.

Hello, I'm Mr.

Ashik.

Ashik.

Nice to meet you, Karitus.

How are you doing?

Alright, didn't wave back, so that's.

They don't know what that means, or they hate me already.

I don't know.

He's reminding me of Bill Oddy.

Just looking at him thinking, I haven't seen the goodies for ages.

What?

What's that on, Debber?

And then the other barber looked like Jim Morrison.

Hang on a minute.

I won't be socialising.

I don't do that.

I've always said you only need seven mates to get you through life.

That's it.

That's why, you know, I've mentioned Snow White with the midgets.

She had them all covered in seven.

Same thing again with friends.

You met a lot of interesting characters.

Tell us about your favourites.

Who are the ones that stick in the mind?

What about Celso in Brazil?

I thought he was alright, Celso.

On one look.

You know, he's a different, different sort of mate.

What was your first thought when he walks out looking like that?

Oh, Jesus, what was that?

It's just weird.

It's like you've had

Wizzle Wurzel Gummage sort of change the head.

Change the heads.

It's a little bit freaky.

Why are you referring to Wurzel Gummage?

Why do you make no effort to try and speak to people in terms they might understand?

What's the chances of him, fellow in Brazil, knowing who Wurzel Gummage is?

There's people watching this who won't remember who Wurzel Gummage is.

He just seemed very sort of

well into the arts.

And it's his mates as well.

Marcelo.

Marcelo.

Pleased to meet you.

Hi, Carl.

Welcome to Rio.

You're up here.

I have never sort of met a gay man so gay.

It was just that voice, that sort of over-the-top.

Nice enough, but I can't see us getting on long term.

No.

Do you know what?

It's a good job I wasn't born gay because I don't know what I'd do.

Why not?

If you're gay, you'll be loving it, won't you?

I wouldn't.

I don't think I'm suited to it.

Why?

Just the lifestyle.

What do you mean by the parties and stuff?

Because the lifestyle, the way they walk about over there showing off, being quite okay.

Okay, you wake up gay

tomorrow.

What's the first thing you do?

Do you get a boyfriend or do you play the field?

I think you play the field.

Yeah, are you going to talk the same?

Yeah, maybe in time.

I suppose things rub off.

If I'm knocking about with John Inmans of the world, I'm probably going to start maybe a little sort of...

Give me something to say.

Oh, hello.

I haven't seen you for ages.

Right, so it'd be a bit different.

Maybe the oh, hello, right, haven't seen you for ages.

It'd be little things like that, and people would suddenly go, You met Carl recently, sounds different.

So, you go, you go home, you go home, you go.

Your dad goes, All right, so how's it going?

Been doing any DIY recently?

Oh, hello, dad.

I'm

been there for a bit.

Oh, wait, all right for, Carl.

How's Suzanne?

Uh,

I'm not with her anymore.

This is pointless because it's not the life I would choose.

Okay, but you've woken up gay.

But I wouldn't believe it then.

I'd just go, oh, I feel a bit happier today, don't know why.

No, but then you start going, oh, oh, you go down, you buy a gay magazine, you're flicking through, you're looking at more cock than you've ever seen before in your life, and you're loving it.

You look down, something's happened.

What do you do next?

I just wouldn't look at that magazine again.

No, you're loving it.

You go, oh, I can't believe I haven't seen this magazine before.

But I've seen Nobs before.

Have you?

Yeah.

Where?

You see knobs all the time.

Where?

In gyms and that.

And don't say you don't look, because you do when you're in a gym.

Because it's there.

What is?

You don't look.

If you go in like that, that's more of a worry.

If you're not happy looking a knob in the face, there's something wrong.

You should be comfortable with it.

Just say you're not going to be a good one.

So

you have always been a big fan of what society would generally term freaks.

You know, one of your favourite movies is The Elephant Man, which is why we were very excited when we sent you to see The Elephant Babber.

Oh, yeah, I can see him, yeah, I can see him.

Shoes off, running down there.

It wasn't as shocking as I thought it would have been.

I think the weird thing is, with Elephant Babber, is it's different from Elephant Man.

Because with Elephant Man, there was a build-up.

He's walking about with a sack on his head, even what is is under there.

I mean, the first thing I always used to worry about was where he got that hat from, that fitting.

It's a normal cap he had on, Elephant Man.

Who was that made for?

But then he had the sack on top as well, a little hole.

And I remember watching it as a kid thinking, Can I see anything in the hole?

And then he takes it off, and he's like, Oh god, that's well weird.

Now, with Elephant Babber,

it wasn't as weird.

Do you know the Elephant Man?

The weirdest bit of it is when he's walking about with that head, but with a suit on.

Yeah.

Because it doesn't match.

No.

But in India, because he sat there you went to a tailor and they say have you got anything to go with this they go not really yeah whereas with the fella in india it sort of goes with it goes with it so it wasn't as shocking sure yeah now there's the one arm babber who a fellow who had his arm in the air for 12 years well that's ridiculous from a distance although it looks friendly it's like he's going like that like oh here's carl and the camera crew i sit down

two fellas sat next to him worshiping him they lost him yeah yeah you know i I asked all the normal questions, what you're playing at, why are you doing that?

Straight in, straight in with what you're playing at.

I asked all the normal questions, what you're playing at.

I agree, though.

I agree.

What are you playing at?

Apparently, there's other babbers with like two arms,

one foot in the air.

Really?

It's mental.

It's proper mental.

But are they standing up, or are they laying down with one foot in the air?

Well, I suppose if you knock him over, that's it, and he's down for good.

Oh, gosh.

Another fellow with his knob and bollocks on a stick.

What are you doing?

Carl, if you can't look a knob in the face.

I was happy looking the knob in the face, it's what he was doing to it.

He was just showing you his trick, his party trick.

What was that?

But that probably would get him to the final of Britain's Got Talent.

And Miranda Holden would be a huge fella, that, wouldn't she?

Cotton stick.

I mean, I'll never forget it.

You can't with the names, the names go with them.

It's like old-fashioned names, how they say that if you're a baker, you'd be known as Mr.

Baker.

That's how names caught on.

So the fact it's got Elephant Baba and one-armed Baba, you don't go, who's that one again?

I can't quite picture him.

I don't believe they are called Elephant Baba and one-armed Baba.

They are called that.

When I went around that camp and I was saying to people, One-armed Baba knocking about, they were going, Yeah, he's three tenths down.

Everyone knew him.

It was like a council estate.

You have nicknames.

Which I'm the screw about.

Where's Tattoo Stan?

It's all the same thing, all these little nicknames.

Yeah.

Now, if I said, Where, I don't know his real name, but if he was called, I don't know, Neil or whatever, Neil about, they'd be going, Neil, who's John's Neil, what's what's what does he do in in the camp?

And you go, he's got a head like an elephant.

Elephant barber, three gowns.

So it's convenient.

There's certain things I've learned.

Tell us, what have you learned?

I learned that babies in China,

a lot of them have square heads.

Right, go on.

Is this like.

Can we look at this clip?

He's a big lad.

Has he got a square head?

Have a look.

Do you know?

I can't tell.

Yeah.

But why do they have square heads?

I asked some questions and the main answer seemed to be

so they don't roll out the cot.

No,

no way.

How do they make sure their baby gets a square head?

They somehow stick a book to the back of its head when it's born.

When you're born,

your head's softer.

That's right, yeah.

Your mum strapped a dinner plate to your head when you were a kid, wasn't it?

Yeah.

A ladle.

But I didn't get all the ins and outs, and this is what I'm saying.

But why does that stop them rolling out the cot?

If you've got a square head, it's not like they can roll out.

Baby's heads, remember, your head is quite big as a baby.

Right.

The body's sort of like that, and its head is trying to roll, and it can't, because it's like that.

And it's attractive, apparently.

Shimmy again, shimmy again, do it, do it again.

If the baby's in the cot, like that.

And it would wanna sort of

roll head, it would just go like that.

Yeah, so now do it with this ground.

How is it stopping it?

I don't understand.

Because it's kind of going, you can't roll.

What shape is a wheel?

Round.

Some people think you are a character that we write and direct.

If we'd created a character as brilliant as this, do you think we'd have flogged it to the sky?

Definitely not.

Definitely not.

Definitely not.

There's loads of weird fish though.

I think there's fish in here that I've read about that are so see-through see-through that they're invisible.

So I don't even think they know they exist.

Because other fish don't go up to it and like mate and stuff.

I don't know how it works.

But it's like they're not there to us or to them.

They might as well not be there.

It's a really weird.

I don't know all the facts.

If you're invisible, you'd eventually get ignored a lot.

And you'd go, well, there's no point acknowledging anyone because no one can see me.

Don't think that's how it works.

Of course it is.

Think if you were invisible and I walked past you, I'm going to ignore you because I can't see you.

You can't communicate because I'd go, Who was that?

And eventually, you just go, I can't be bothered communicating.

So, you're just there, floating about, eating.

So, that's probably why they carry on because they just eat, they've got nothing else to do.

I read it,

and I think they're in here, but you're not going to see them, so I can't prove it.

There's people out there who said I'm an actor called Graham.

Yeah.

I wish I was.

I wish I was.

Well, change your name to Graham and become an actor.

No, because then they go, oh, we knew that.

So the reason you're not changing your name to Graham and becoming an actor is that you don't want to give idiots the benefit of the doubt.

Well, no, it's also that thing of remembering that you've changed your name.

It's like I told you, didn't know, when I was a kid and they changed my name to Brett, everyone in the family went along with it and I kept forgetting.

They kept shouting me and I was ignoring them.

The hooks aren't working.

Alright, mate.

How are you getting on, man?

Uh

well I've had better holidays.

It's not a holiday.

I have to keep reminding you it's not a holiday my friend.

You are making a travel programme for the television.

I can never enjoy anything can I?

No.

Get out of the Dead Sea, put some clothes on and do some fucking work.

Fucking shit.

I've got a little surprise for you.

You're spending the night in a cave Carl tonight.

What for?

It's funny.

But

I had some sort of new pudding that I've never had before.

Carrots with sort of milk and sugar on it.

I enjoyed it.

I don't know if I'll find it in London.

I wanna watch you eating carrots on the telly.

In HD?

Even in HD.

I reckon I've had a battle.

And I was kicked.

I am knackered.

And I don't know how to get that across to them at home that I'm pissed off.

Oh,

this is for my amusement.

And if you're having a bad time, bumping on the down on a camel with your testicles being battered, that's good entertainment.

This is what I'm giving back.

This is what I'm giving back to society.

You are my gift to the rest of the world.

Now, that's the other thing as well.

That

people think that, you know, because I call you a little round-headed chimp-like buffoon,

moron, mank, twonk, I could go on.

Some people, they mistake that for bullying.

What would you say about people that me and Steve bully you?

If they think I am being bullied, what are they doing?

When have they come to me help?

Where's Esther Ranson?

Why hasn't she been on the phone, leaving me alone?

Nothing's happened.

Everyone's saying that.

I've seen that everywhere.

Carl's being bullied.

Well, first of all, I'm nearly 40s, don't worry about me.

Two, well, if you worry, right, do something.

I've had posts delivered to me.

And because you say Carl Building's getting like a fucking orange, people think they can do it i got some lamps delivered in a box somebody along the way i don't know who either the bloke who packed them the courier or i don't know how many people involved in packing lamps and getting them to me but somebody wrote on the box head like a fucking orange

now that shouldn't happen

Of course, there were a number of instances where we had planned stuff that you were completely unaware of.

In fact, most of the trip you had very little idea where you were going to go and what was going to happen.

I think a highlight for both Ricky and I was when we gave you some very important training in the event that you were captured during a terrorist attack.

Again, that went better than I ever imagined.

Yeah, I think you're out of order.

What is going through your head when those guys grabbed you?

You did not know they were going to attack you and grab you and drag you in the back of a van.

It all went black.

I heard a lot of shouting going on.

I didn't know what was happening.

I thought, is this it?

Have I been taken hostage?

They put my hands behind me back.

They put one of those tie things on.

It was cutting into my hand.

I'm thinking, is this for the programme or what?

Because this is proper hurting.

It's not a nice thing.

I've never experienced it.

They often say in those moments where you think maybe your life's going to come to an end that your whole life flashes before your eyes.

Is that what happened?

No, because I said to you, nothing.

I had a bag over my head.

I couldn't see a thing.

Talk to me!

Hang on a minute, I'm talking.

Are you English?

Are you English?

Yes, talk to me.

Who are you?

I look at it when you go, who are you?

Where the adrenaline's kicking and you can hardly breathe and you do a posh voice.

Who are you?

Because it's terrifying, though.

Not knowing what's going on.

What is the number of you?

It's an immobile.

What mobile?

What is the the number of you?

I don't know.

I don't even know my mum and dad's number.

I thought maybe this is part of the setup, I don't know.

But my body didn't know

because it was going through the same thing as Terry Waite would have gone through, or whoever else had been tied to a radiator.

Did you learn anything from that, though?

That was important training to make you able to cope if such a terrible thing did occur to you.

If you go to places that you're in danger of being kidnapped, you're meant to have a code word so that when the people who've nicked you call up the London office, they go, We've got Ricky, Stephen, Carly.

Right.

And the London office go, Yeah, yeah.

Give us your code word.

Well, at the time, it was Congress Tart.

Congress Tart?

How are you going to slip that into a conversation?

No, you don't slip it in.

They've got a bag over your head, gun to your head, or whatever.

Tell them you've been kidnapped, and you go, Congress Tart.

And they go, Bloody hell, he's been kidnapped.

Before you know it, the the A-team's coming in,

right?

So, uh, um, ring, ring.

Hello, Carl, mate.

How's it going?

Congress tart.

What?

Congress tart.

Who's on the phone, mate?

Uh, it's uh, it's Carl.

He said, Congress tart, so he's definitely been kidnapped.

Who are they?

What do they want?

Right.

Who am I talking to now?

Because they're them.

Ask them.

What do you want?

He's asking what you want.

Well, there's no one here to do that bit of role-playing, so maybe you should tell me what they're saying.

They said

they just said they want to use me as bargaining power.

But what do they want?

What do they want?

But what do you actually want?

Oh.

What would they want?

Is it money?

Give them money, money.

Five million pounds.

Too much.

I'm not spending that sort of cash.

I've worked on it.

Oh, you don't do that.

I'm not spending that cash.

You see, this is what worries me.

I'm not spending five million to get you back.

That's what's worried me.

Because that's what would have happened.

Can't we negotiate?

Put them on.

Yeah, here's Ricky.

Right, you've got to play him as well, then.

Hello.

Hello.

Who's that?

Never mind who it is.

Where's my five million?

Can't afford five million at the moment.

We're going to kill this kid if you don't give us his five million.

You're getting sick of him.

Why, why?

What's he doing?

He's just shouting Congress tart.

Give him the money.

Give us the money.

I wouldn't have got him to call you, actually.

There's no way.

There's no way.

Okay, it's a break.

Oh god.

Oh god.

It's not really a dance, is it?

It's like a little bit of a shuffle, really.

It's just not

not really uh not using

not even adding not even adding that sort of thing to it.

Just a bit more with the face, even.

It's that sort of old man shuffle who's, you know, when old men are sort of a bit pissed up and the pants have fallen down a bit.

So that pissed up walk.

But, you know, it killed a bit of time.

There's nothing else to watch.

And I was tempted to sort of add, sort of, join the line and then do that and see if they copy it.

And then that'd be me giving them something.

And then is that interfering?

Maybe it wouldn't look frightening by the time, you know, if another tribe came in and they're all stood over there looking like Lionel Blair.

You know, they're just gonna go, right, let's get them.

We can handle these.

I mean, I was so jealous of you being in the Peruvian jungle.

Didn't you have a whale of a toy?

Fucking hell.

Wanna go home.

People watching it will sort of go, but you know, I've seen all this, Raymoise and Bear Gryll sucking on elephant shit and all that.

It's hard to let people know how bad it is out there.

When I came out of there,

I'd had no phone signal.

Five days, no phone signal.

Stuck in the jungle, the Amazonian jungle, in a one-man tent, and then with a tribe for a couple of days.

Called Suzanne up and said, All right, I'm safe and all that, expecting to get like a hero's welcome.

All I got was, oh,

it's reassured me that if he died, I'd be alright.

That's what she said.

For 16 years I've been with her.

Not a day's gone by when he haven't spoken to her at some point.

She turns around and says, That, I'd be alright if he were dead.

Alright, cheers for that.

I've got to call Ricky now.

I called you up.

I had a meeting with everyone, and they weren't sure about the title, Carl Pilmerton Seven Wonders.

And I came up with an idea they really liked, they're pushing through, wanting to run it by you.

An idiot abroad.

Well, no,

we didn't say anything about that.

We said it's Carl Pilkinson's Seven Wonders.

Hello?

Yeah, but

they were saying, you know, who's Carl Pilkinson's.

Yeah, well, who's the idiot abroad?

What?

You're the idiot abroad.

They loved it.

They absolutely loved it.

Yeah, well, they would, because you said it.

You know what they like.

They all sit there going, oh, yeah, that's great, Ricky.

Yeah, yeah, we'll do that.

We're not having an idiot abroad.

It's Carl Pilkinson's Seven Wonders.

I've been through a load of shit here.

You're sat there giving them bloody shit titles.

We're not having an idiot abroad.

We're not having it.

It's the one

thing that I said that I'm happy with.

I don't want people thinking I'm a div.

Who was in the meeting?

Just producers and me and Steve and all the things from Sky and the marketing.

And I absolutely loved it.

As soon as as I came up with it, they started writing it down.

Well, I'm back in a couple of days.

We'll have another little meeting about that.

Let's have another little meeting.

Was he all quassants then, free coffee?

As they all sat around on their arse.

Yes, that's great, Ricky.

Any other ideas?

Pour us another coffee.

I'm sick of that lot.

Tell them now, call them now and tell them that we're not doing series two.

Nip that in the bud.

I'm not doing any more.

That's

that.

We are doing some more people loving that.

I've had enough of that now.

I've done that.

I've had enough.

No, let's do it.

Come on, let's think of something else you can do.

Seriously, what about this?

We're not going to sort that out today.

Idiot abroad.

Fool's gold.

I give you a million to spend, and you've got one year to make two million.

I've got a double a million.

Yeah.

You can gamble, you can put it all on a horse, or you can put a little bit on a horse.

You go to the dragon's den.

You go, look, I've got an idea.

Clippable mug.

What about the tie with, like, you can carry scissors in and stuff?

That's already out there.

Is it?

What was the first thing you do with that?

If I said you've got you've got a year to make one million, you've already got this million.

Just do loads of stuff.

Well then, go on and what's the first thought?

What do you do?

Antiques and

buy antiques, flog them on, art.

Buy a house in Bulgaria.

What do you know about Bulgaria?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're going to buy a house in Bulgaria?

That's your first thought.

How much is the house in Bulgaria?

100 grand.

Right, how much do you want to sell it for?

I'm going to sell it for 200.

I'm going to do it on my own.

You're going to double your money on a house within a year.

You've got to make 130.

I'm spinning plates here.

So you've got to keep flying to Bulgaria to check out the money.

I've got the local builders on it.

Right.

In Bulgaria.

Yeah,

plate spinning.

Right.

Antiques on the go.

I'm buying

scratch cards.

You're buying scratch cards.

I'm buying a load of scratch cards.

How many?

5,000 scratch cards.

I'd have some kids doing that.

I'd say, right, you can have a fiver.

You're keeping it all time.

I haven't got time.

I'm giving it men to do.

This is the worst idea I've ever heard.

My million's gone, isn't it?

I mean, I've just...

It hasn't.

If you've got money, you make money.

That's a fact.

Where is Bulgaria?

It's somewhere.

I know Bulgaria is good for property.

I've seen a lot of property programmes.

That's what I do with it.

No, no, no.

There's a lot of things that you can do with property, antiques, and buying classic cars and doing them up.

So you're doubling your money on a classic car in a year.

Yeah, but I've made stuff, I've made inventions.

What have you done?

Through the dragon's den.

Like you say, the Clipple Matt idea.

Like, you have your cup there, but look at that saucer.

Every time I

have a little bit of tea, I'm talking to you, I've got to go like that.

I've got to look at exactly where I'm putting it again.

Right.

The clipple mat is stuck on, it's attached to it at all times.

That's ridiculous.

How's it going?

And if I want, I don't have to put it down there, I can put it down there.

I'm not limited as to the surface that I can put it on.

It's attached.

Washerproof.

Dishwasher proof.

It's an idea.

I mean,

fuck me, so am I.

Most of the world is grim.

Louis Armstrong did that, what a wonderful world song.

I don't know what he's going on about.

If Louis had seen what I'd seen, he wouldn't have brought that out.

Well, Carl, you talked a lot before you went on the trip about how probably your happiest holiday time was when you were younger.

Where was you used to go?

Wales.

Wales.

Port Maddox.

Right.

Year after year after year.

It was brilliant.

And why was it so great?

It's everything you want.

It's a good, like, you know, it was a good holiday park.

Right.

Weather was good.

I had loads of mates there.

There was always kids knocking about who I got on with.

Arcade,

beach.

There was Ell's Angels down one end.

Um and I remember watching them thinking, I ought to be one of them.

I ought to be a Hell's Angel.

Because they looked hard,

all the leather on and that.

And

I don't know.

You see, this again, this might not be true, but my mum told me it might have just been to put me off.

She said, To be a Hell's Angel, you've got a shit in your pants.

She's a shit in your pants and keep them on for a week.

So,

yeah, my dad said me, Auntie Nora could have joined then.

So, what you're saying is that you have nothing but happy memories of your glory days

back in Wales.

And, you know, you were whinging when we were sending you on these trips, you're like, oh, I had a great time back in Wales, blah blah blah.

Well, we sent you back to Wales.

Let's have a look how you got on.

Every holiday we had, we'd go to this place in Wales, this campsite.

Mum and dad's got a caravan there.

It's designed, it's high-tech.

I want you to experience it.

It's alright, isn't it?

This is good there, you see, not loads of space for stuff, and that

big fire.

Three bedrooms, it's got.

Now, what's good is

normally,

say if

your gran comes in, oh, I didn't know your whole family's coming, where can I stay?

You just just go, hang on.

Watch how quick this is.

Oh, no, that isn't one.

Hang on.

Just hang on.

You stay there.

And you just sort of

that's not right, is it?

Well, she can just sort of, you know

what's wrong with that?

I remember getting chicken pox when I was here.

I just sat in the bath with a load of salt.

Stop them itching.

I burnt my hand badly.

Because Joan Ross, who was with us on holiday, and she gave me a plate with sausage rolls on it.

She handed it to me with a tea towel.

I just grabbed the plate, it stuck to my hand.

A lot of injuries happened here, really.

Some people are next door.

That might get annoying.

They've put us right next to a family of 12 or whatever.

And they seem the sort who'll be out there all night.

They've got a table there with all sorts.

Game of Monopoly.

You don't have a quick game of that.

You know what I mean?

They're there for the night now.

Your company now.

If I was there, I'd be quite happy sat here.

I'd probably put the telly on, have a cup of tea or something, relax.

But because you're here here going, what do you do now?

What do you do now?

It's like I've got to try and impress you.

What's wrong with you sitting here now?

The air's coming in, they're getting on me tits.

I always used to come to do crabbing,

but it's a bit of a ropey day today, isn't it?

See, this isn't.

I don't really want Ricky and Steve to see it like this.

Things broke.

When we go back,

it's been a bit rubbish, hasn't it?

That's been a bit rubbish.

I don't know, is it because I've changed?

Is it because I've been around the world and seen other things and then seeing this

doesn't work anymore?

Have I sort of messed up the fact that I used to like simple things and now

you know

if Suzanne books holiday, I'll be going, never mind,

forget having a swim in a pool.

Where's the local tribe?

Why is that?

Why does it keep doing that now?

One of my ambitions for the series, I mean, I know Ricky's got his own agenda, but I was hoping that, you know, maybe travel would broaden the mind.

That's the phrase that we hear.

Do you feel now the dust has settled like a different Carl?

You're saying about the broadening of the mind.

I've put more stuff in the mind.

And whenever you do that, something has to go, doesn't it?

Why does it have to go?

No, no.

The mind.

Everything's only got a certain amount of space.

There's never an endless supply.

Even with computers, they go, oh, disk space, full, or whatever.

It's the same with the brain.

But when I learn a new fact,

I don't have to make room.

I don't have to go, right, I've got to chuck some out.

I've got a chucksum out now.

Of course you do.

Unless you're Stephen Hawkin, who's got it all on a hard drive, you can't just go, oh, where's that thing?

Where's that thing that I want to remember?

You might go, oh, I remember knowing something like that before when you were talking about bananas.

Now, I had that fact about if you eat more than six, it can kill you.

No, that's definitely not.

That's not a fact.

Is this a fact?

No, it's not a fact.

Potassium levels are dangerously high if you have six bananas.

Now, I didn't, when I walked in here today, I wasn't going, let's tell Ricky about the banana fact.

I went in that place, you're having makeup on.

I saw a bowl of bananas.

I said there's six bananas there.

You know why there's only six, seven would be dangerous.

This all happened.

What fact squeezed out of your brain to accommodate the banana information?

I don't know, because I forgot it.

Perfect.

I see trees of green.

There's no doors or anything.

I see them blue

for me.

And I think to myself,

what a wonderful world.

What the fuck is that?

Is that someone that goes?

The lights are changing.

Lights, lights, lights.

Load of bees are here.

He's anywhere safe

in the sky

That's a testicle

Marcello Marcelo not bad

Jesus

I'm not putting myself above my station, eh?

I thought it was going to be the new paling.

Soon found out I didn't know much, but then I put myself out to learn a bit more.

It's been a journey.

People watching it have been on my journey.

Everything I've been through with scene.

I mean, the say trawl broadens the mind, but I don't know if it does.

Buggers it up.

I'm knackered.

To his great relief, Carl's come to the end of his journey for now, but you can relive the whole painstaking experience.

The series is available to buy on DVD from all the usual retailers from Monday.

And An Idiot Abroad might have finished, but Skywen HD is keeping you well and truly entertained with a bouncing brand new addition to Skywen's Comedy Thursdays from the makers of My Name's Earl.

Raising Hope starts next week at 10.