389 - Iran, Israel & The Cool Aunt

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.

I have injured the side of my mouth by biting it.

And if you've ever done that, when you bite the side of your mouth, it inflames and it swells and you keep biting it. And that is the Middle East.
That's all it'll ever be. That is it.
You don't have to read any books on it. You don't have to take any courses.
You don't have to listen to your friend's wife who saw a documentary. It is biting the side of your cheek.
I get very excited sometimes when I eat.

I do not take my time.

My grandmother used to say, you don't know your body has eaten.

That's why you keep eating.

Your mind doesn't know that your body is full.

So when you bite the side of your mouth, it inflames and it's there.

And you keep biting it. And then sometimes you'll get a chunk of it in your mouth and release.
You'll go, that was close. Because it could have been bad.
That's the entire Middle East. That's it.
There's nothing else to do. You can read.
You can learn words like Bedouin or whatever. It doesn't matter.

That's essentially what's happening.

We're in World War III.

I am on war footing.

I am ready to go.

Are you?

I punched an Iranian woman today in the face in Starbucks.

The cops later told me she was Greek, but she called me a fat shit.

And I was like, this is what war looks like on the home turf. You call me a fat shit and I was like this is what war looks like on the home turf you call me a fat shit I'm gonna rock you and I rocked her now I have a court date which I'll have to no of course that is kidding I'm against violence against women kinda but what I think is important I just got back from a trip abroad.
I was abroad. And with the great Sam Talent, nobody better to travel with.
We did it all. I'm not going to name where we were, but we were everywhere.
And I talked to everybody about everything. I have all of the opinions from the European continent for you.
And I have condensed them to one sentence because everybody has a lot of things to say, but we don't have the time. We're not living in a time.
So I've condensed them. I've truncated all of the different opinions from Scandinavia, from the south of France, from Glasgow, Scotland, the rainy Glasgow, from London.
I've condensed all the opinions from Finland on the border of Russia. I've condensed the opinions to one sentence.
Actually, four words. What I have learned after, and why are you nervous? Everyone get, the producer gets nervous now because he doesn't know what's about to happen because he's trying to, he's trying to get lifestyle brands to advertise on the show.
And no, the scumbags who we pay go, well, why doesn't he post more lifestyle content? And I post all the time. I post pictures of pretty things all of the time I post, but you don't like what I say afterwards.
I post pictures of pretty things all the time. Can I tell you what I've learned after being on the European continent? What I have learned, okay, this is what I have learned.
This is the headline. This is the pull quote, okay? Okay? Get ready.
Strap in, okay? The Holocaust ready strap in okay the holocaust i'm kidding but that's that's there here's what i'm what i'm getting at israel is not popular right now they're not popular right now. They're not popular right now.
They're having image problems at the moment. It's the girl who's feeling herself too much.
We're happy she made a full recovery after the car accident. Donna, we love it.
We're happy. We're happy that you're up walking around and she lost a little weight.
And she dyed her hair. And the kids call this a glow up.
But it's a lot now, Donna. Donna, it's a lot.
It's a girl who's feeling herself a bit too much. She has pain.
We all have pain. She has pain.
And she reminds you of her pain. She'll tell you.
She's that girl with a pain. And it's very accessible.
She can go to the well of her pain. And she knows.
She's been through it. She was bullied in sixth grade bad.
And people tell you, they'll go, Donna, man, hoof. Sixth grade was rough for Donna.
Every day, tough. She had to get on that bus and they went at her.
They went at her throat. everyone knows someone like, we get it.
Israel has had pain and I'm not taking it away from them, but now they are kind of feeling themselves a bit too much. They're doing what this, they're doing the most is what the lexicon of the internet would say.

And people are, they're a little, you know, there's a level of, you know, even the supporters of Israel are kind of going, hey, it's watching a friend make a very bad decision. That is like what I think what we're watching right now.
I understand the problem. I understand the issues.
I'm not a child. I'm not at the Columbia.
What's the thing they're doing? That trans for Iran, the protest. Everyone's mad at.
They're doing trans for Iran. Let them do it.
Let the kids be trans for Iran if they want. Because that's the funny of what the time we're living in.
The Iranians should have to have trans allies in dog collars with COVID masks on.

That's what they get.

You don't always have the fan base you want.

Remember when Trump was like, why is everyone here so poor?

He said to his aides, he goes, why does everyone here look like shit?

And they go, well, you appeal to a lot of people that don't have a lot going on.

He didn't love that.

You're never going to get the fan base you necessarily want, necessarily love, but you do the best with it. You make it happen.
You make it work. They'll make it work.
The biggest, you know, the people right now that are like very vocally like pro-Iran

are a very ragtag group of like malcontents and you know I have this quote from the free press where they were at some anti-war rally and you know they have a woman and she's wearing like dog collars and she's got a muzzle on and the protect Trans Kids shirt. And, you know, she has like a pink ass mask on or something and everybody's in combat boots at the San Francisco City Hall or whatever.
And, you know, Iran is going to have to confront that those are their allies here. That doesn't mean that all of those allies are terrible to have i'm just saying that's what you

got that's what you got sure you want those uh 19 relatively handsome hijackers from saudi arabia like you had in 2001 sure but times change things move on and uh the anti-war movement in america is always kind of, and they,

there's got to be some level of this that's engineered.

Not all. and the anti-war movement in America is always kind of, and there's got to be some level of this that's engineered, not all of it, but there's got to be some level of anybody in this country that doesn't want a war, and there's any kind of protest or rally.
Within minutes, the craziest people you've ever seen show up. I'm talking about dwarfs and like mythical creatures from middle earth.
People are wait, like fawns show up like centaurs are at the rally. It's so viscerally disturbing that everybody's like, maybe we should just, maybe we should just do the war.
I got to stand here with these people? That guy, that's a centaur. I mean, go to some of these protests.
Colombia is doing a, what, a sit-in or all the kids are camping out for? Yeah, for Palestine. For Palestine.
And here's the deal. Because Israel's been so aggressive in the way it's prosecuted this war and they've killed I believe 40,000 people.
And it's all on TikTok. And you can watch this.
And the horrors are unfolding in front of your face. It's completely natural that people, especially young people, have a reaction the way that people are having.
They're revolted by this level of violence. And, you know, nobody has a stomach for this.
And even Israel's most ardent supporters, for the most part, are wondering if this is the right course of action because Israel has suffered and I'm a

supporter of Israel's right to exist but Israel suffered a tremendous loss of prestige in the world community now some people go they don't care the world community has always hated Israel Maybe there's some truth to that.

But I'm just saying it is not.

Yeah, so they're arresting these people. Now, these people set up tents at Columbia University.
They've done this a few times in the past. And they're doing this to show solidarity with the people in Palestine that are, and they're encouraging Colombia to divest from whatever.
Can I not, I don't want to be indelicate here, but don't the Jews, and I mean, shut it off for a minute. I'm not trying to be indelicate.
Don't the Jews own Colombia? Like my parents don't own Colombia. I mean, I'm just not trying to be indelicate, but don't the kids know Columbia like my parents don't own Columbia I mean I'm just not trying

to be indelicate but don't the kids know where they are like I I mean I'm not trying am I do I sound indelicate didn't Jewish people buy Columbia aren't most of the endowments coming from so it's like kids

you know

I'm not saying don't

set up

the tents, you know, if that's the way you feel. These protests don't do much, by the way, shutting down the Golden Gate Bridge.
And I'm again, I'm not morally telling people not to protest. I'm saying the ruling class of the country doesn't really care.
They don't really care. It does not matter to them if a bunch of kids at Columbia get in a tent.
So can you explain at Columbia University what's happening? Yeah. Yeah, so you have over 100 students got arrested.
They've been basically doing a sit-in about how they don't. There were 15 students, I think, that were either removed from something because of their anti-Zionist protest.
And so then these are the students supporting the students that got removed. So these are all like pro-Palestinian people.
People are mad about this. There's more going on.
It's a hotbed over there. People are fighting with each other and spitting on each other and beating each other up, I think.
I've heard. There's violence.
People are angry. Well, I think it's good for them, really.
I think it's good.

I do.

I think a little excitement in the quad is fine.

I do.

I think it's fine.

I'm very happy about, you know, I don't, you know.

What do they do?

What is this?

The Death to America Club?

There's something funny about it. We, listen, if we're going to be the country, that's all about like free speech and all the bullshit we have, you know, you have to, you have to respect people's rights to do trans for Iran.
You have to. You have to support male, men that are pregnant men who support Iran.
They're allowed to. You can be gay for Iran.
And everyone's like, well, in those countries, people would, they would die. I die i'm like yeah but people want to die people want to get stoned people like people have a humiliation fetish people want the things that don't accept them there's no fun in being gay in portland maine You want to be gay in Iran where you could get killed.
You know how fun it is to suck someone off in Iran when no one knows? Because the outside of the door is your own death. You know how boring it is to choke down a cock in Portland, Maine? You can do it at dinner.
You can choke down a cock in Portland, Maine at a seafood restaurant. No one would say anything to you.
You could suck someone off. You could take out your pink cock, your little pink cock, and someone could suck it off while it barely stayed hard.
And they worked it with their hand and mouth to try to get the fucking blood flowing in your member at a seafood restaurant. And the most that would happen to you is the fat lesbian who's shucking the oysters might roll her eyes.
That is the most that will happen to you. There's no fun in that.
The fun is being gay in Saudi Arabia, where you're literally getting sucked off while you watch someone get beheaded for getting sucked off? Is there anything more fun than coming while watching a beheading of someone who's getting beheaded for coming? You feel alive. We've done so much in this country to make people feel, you know, I don't know, whatever the term is, bored.

And they have this terminal boredom. And what they're fantasizing about is the secret police opening their door in the middle of the night, ripping them out and going, you've been a bad boy now, haven't you? And I think that's good.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Yes, it's a bit inconsistent, perhaps.

But only if you don't understand human nature.

Feminists want to get punched in the face.

They want to get thrown in the back of a car and driven to the woods of New Hampshire

and they want their skin ripped off and they want someone to wear it and run around. That's what it is.
It's not inconsistent if you know human nature. Nobody wants the thing they say they want.
None of these people want a progressive world where everybody's, they just want to step on the throat of the people that bother them. So the people that are running around doing trans for Iran, they don't care that Iran would light them all on fire.
They just want to vanquish their enemy. And their enemy of the moment is the bagel head.
Matza face. That's their enemy at the moment.
People go, well, it's inconsistent. in like all the right-wingers are like it's inconsistent some of the left-wingers you know the the broad and they're they're right if they're but again if you're taking them at their word it's inconsistent well it's inconsistent these feminists don't care about women being right no they don't they't.
They don't. Because they don't be, but they never did.

They never did. You took them at their word, dummy.
They all said, we want a world where everyone, no, no, no, no, no. They wanted a hierarchy where they were at the top.
and they think if they figure out,

maybe if they figure out a way to defeat Israel,

Iran will let them be trans in Iran. Maybe Iran, maybe the mullahs will like go like, you know, listen, we were, I mean, we were not into this.
Can you imagine like 15 years from now, somebody in Iran going, I mean, the strides this country has made are amazing. We have met because our allies were trans people wearing leather harnesses and N95 masks in America.
And they came over and defeated the Jews somehow. And now they run Iran.
They just want to be mullahs. All of these people in the COVID masks, they just want to be the mullahs.
And what we hope is that the mullahs like their lives enough and their power, and they always do, that they're not going to get in any type of regional war that will sacrifice their power. Because the citizens of these countries care about the Palestinians.
The governments really don't. The governments don't.
Saudi Arabia, the UAE, Jordan, they just want money. They want money.
And they don't want to do anything that would jeopardize them getting money. Or, you know, their positions in the Middle East, their power, their proximity to, you know, the type of money that they are making with the United States.
You know, this is the reality. But people are looking after themselves.
All these regimes look after themselves. So they're not fighting Israel over this shit.
They don't care. It's not their fight.
It isn't. Literally.
It's not their fight. Now, you might go, well, it's a genus, and you're sure, but they don't care.
That's Tuesday over there. People slaughter each other all the time.
In America, it is disturbing to see people in mass getting killed. In other places, they have a higher tolerance for that, and they're not, they don't, it doesn't, they have no strategic interest in getting in this war.
They don't. Russia's got their own issues.
Russia doesn't. Russia's dealing with their own problems.
China's got their issue. This Israel-Palestine issue is not an issue for everybody.
It's an issue for, and by the way, this is the government. I'm not talking about you do whatever you want.
You want to put you know you want to do a dance great I have no issue with that voice your discontentment any way you want I have a platform I speak to millions of people a week and nothing I say matters and it never will I make money but nothing I say matters and nothing you say will probably matter. Sorry.
Sorry. I apologize for that.
It's not nice to hear that, you know, the transfer I ran sit in will probably be forgotten. I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
I'm saying the levers of power in this country and the people that have their hands on them aren't looking at campus discontentment as a meter of what they should do. Israel has exhausted everybody.
Everybody at the State Department. I speak to a lot of people.
I'm not saying I know things you don't, but I do. I don't know a lot of things you don't, but I know I speak to maybe certain people that you don't speak to who go, everybody is exhausted right now with Israel to state,

but most people are exhausted. Everybody's kind of at the end of their rope.
They're at the end of their rope. They're going like, Hey, Hey girl.
Hey girl. I mean, you know what it is? It's the friend who just won't stop with the photos.
Line up over there. Line up.
Everyone line up. It's my day.
Hey, hey, Sasha, come here. Come here.
Listen, your parents are getting tired. Your mother is a cancer survivor.
She just wants to sit down. Line up.
It's my day. We're doing photos.
It's a bridezilla. It's too much.
It's just not, you know? And I know the antisemitism's bad, but talking about it will make it worse. Please pipe down about it a little bit, because it makes it worse to keep running your mouth about it The anti-Semitism Yes, yes, yes There are people in the world that do not like Jews Okay? Several continents continents.
That's not ideal. That's not ideal.
But talking about endlessly bringing it up, it's not helping. Ignore it.
Pretend they like you. Pretend they like you because they kind of like you.
Saudi Arabia kind of likes you a little.

Not their people, but their leaders do.

Qatar, you know,

Jordan and Egypt are kind of like,

like you don't need, like this whole like, everyone in the world is against me.

They're against me. It's like, we got to change that because it's

exhausting. Everybody's tired of it.
It's tiring. You'd hate it.
You'd hate it if it never ended.

So my advice is to everybody, again, let's take it down. Let's take, let's take, we got the Olympics come.
Hey, idiots. We got the Olympics coming up.
Everybody better get the Olympics. The Olympics are coming.
Let's be nice. You're telling me the opening ceremony of the Olympics.
If you, I'm telling you right now, is this the winter Olympics or the summer? I really don't know what's happening. Yeah, right.
It's good. Summer.
The summer Olympics. I was going to say something about figure skating, but that's not going to work now.
So I have to find something. Synchronized swimming.
If Israel and Palestine do a synchronized swimming at the Olympics in Paris, and everybody is in... Because everybody is...
We let beauty win. We let beauty win.
We let beauty win. We get a bunch of hot Israelis and hot Palestinians, the ones that are left, and we get them, you know, good-looking tan, not with the huge noses.
I don't love that, but enough of a nose to know where they're from, right? We get them, They're hot. And we make them practice together.
And they do a beautiful synchronized swimming event at the Paris. Because the Paris Olympics, by the way, they might scale down the opening ceremonies because everybody's trying to blow it up.
Get that article up. Emmanuel Macron.
Emmanuel Macron, the leader of Paris, who everyone keeps saying his wife's a man, but I don't think she is. She's just an unfortunate looking woman.
Now, this guy keeps going, hey, we're trying to do the Olympics here, and everybody is trying to blow it up. And this is what I say to Israel.
I go, guys, can we have a fucking Olympic Games without you being nuts, please? How about the hostages are returned at the Olympics?

Bring them at the Olympic Games.

Hamas comes out with the hostages.

At the Olympics.

There's no imagination anymore in this fucking world.

That's why nothing can ever get done.

Because nobody has any theatrical imagination.

Nobody understands the power of an image.

And the image of the, imagine this, the Olympic torch, right?

The hostages come out with it.

Hamas brings out the hostages and they have the torches and they light and they light the Olympic torch and it's over and it's over and it's a century of peace can we get can someone try to make that happen? Can some, is that not, if I worked at the State Department, I would say, can we do this at the Olympics? Let's do it at the Olympics. Get those tunnels open.
We're here at the Olympics. You know, we do an Edith Piaf, that song, you know, Le'Veon Rose or whatever.
they come out at the Olympics. You know? We do an Edith Piaf, that song.
You know? Le Vie en Rose or whatever. They come out at the Olympics.
The hostages are eating baguettes. Because it's fun.
Because it's France. They come out, they have croissants.
They have croissants. You know, they look tough.
They've been in the tunnel for a while. But we get them, dress them up.
We have the top makeup people, top people, right? But of course the Palestinian people are also have to have to be there. You know, they have to be involved.
And you're telling me it's not a powerful moment. These two countries that up until a week ago were literally, all they wanted was the other one to be dead.

Now, the Israeli hostages are out,

and they would, in Ohio, somewhere in Ohio,

you would hear the, you would hear,

I always do the southern accent.

It's not Ohio, but you go,

Honey, you're not going to believe this. Get in here.
What? Come here. I don't like the Olympics.
I'm watching my psychic program. Come in here now.
Fine. They got the Israeli hostages.
They're at the Olympics. What? Remember the hostages that were in the tunnel? They're at the Olympics.
What's in their hands? Baguettes. Why? Because it's fucking France.
This is fucking nuts. All right.
Anything else? No. People around the country would believe in magic again.

I want to shout out my girls, my gals, my plus-size park hoppers.

I've talked about them on Patreon.

There are four morbidly obese women who review restaurants at Disney World

to see if they can fit.

Really.

I mean, they look at the plans, you know? They look at the blueprints of the restaurants. They're talking about the beams, you know? They go there.
They're talking about, you know, what's a load-bearing column and what's not. And people are mad at them because there's a whole genre of the internet now

where fat people are cringe, and then people get mad at them.

They're like, stop eating pizza.

That's the whole genre.

It's a whole column of online behavior now is like someone who's 700 pounds

dipping a garlic breadstick into something,

and then like a million comments that are like, you're going to die. Stop doing it.
From people that are slightly less fat. Now, I support these women.
By the way, these are the only people that ever should be at Disney World. No one should be at Disney World.
If you take your kids to Disney World, do it one time. If you do it all the time, you have no imagination.
You're disgusting. And you should have your kids taken by CPS.
The dumbest, least interesting people I know constantly bring their kids to Disney World to get molested by the characters. You take them one time, take them when they're five.
If they ask to go back, we don't do that. You know why? Because mom and dad have brains.
So we've planned vacations where we can learn a little something too.

Okay?

It's not all going to be big puppets and people dressed in costumes.

We're going to go to different places and different countries and we're going to learn.

So Disney World should be filled with morbidly obese singles sliding into booths, eating

Buffalo Wild Wings level food, and watching fireworks displays while they digest. What I like about the plus size park hoppers is they go to each restaurant and they tell you if you can fit in it.
After that, they then review the food, but this one they didn't fit in. Usually they fit in it.
And when they fit in it, they actually are quite kind. They're like, Jessica got the breadsticks.
They were really warm and good. They came with a spicy dipping sauce that was a little too spicy for me.
But it balanced really well with the Caesar salad that was served in an Asiago cheese bowl. I ate the entire bowl while no one was looking and it felt really good.
The next course we had was the pot roast that came in a traditional 1950s style pot. There was not enough jus and the meat was a little dry, but I still choked it down with a strawberry milkshake, which I got from another restaurant and I kept with me for most of the day.
Even though it was warm, it provided the lubrication I needed to get the pot roast down my throat. Then I ate a churro I found on the floor, 15 M&Ms.
And then I like, so now the plus size park hoppers are unhappy. They're unhappy.
Now they don't fit in this restaurant. so they get very nasty about the food.
Here's what you have to remember about the Plus Six Pork Opers. All of the food in Disney World is bad.
Like everything in Disney World, it's bad. It's bad.
The rides aren't even good. Nothing's good.
The reason you think it's good is because you're stupid. That's why you think it's good.
Even if you have children, you should be rolling your eyes. Your kids should be happy.
You should take a few. I'm not a heartless person.
The kids should be happy. The Mickey Mouse hugs your son or daughter or your non-binary child and you take a photo of them and you're happy, but that should last a few minutes and then you should go, it's hot lines.
It's gross. Immediately, if like anyone's like, this is the most magical place in the world.
Anyone who says that I want so far away from me. I want so far away from me when anyone says, I have a friend who I actually really like.
Him and his wife go to Disney World. They go on Disney cruises.
I think there's something wrong with them. They have a beautiful family.
I love this guy. He was like a brother to me growing up.
But him and his wife, they said it the other day. They're like, we're going to Disney again.
They keep going to Disney World. They go on the cruise.
They will not leave their house unless Disney World is involved. Disney picks them up in a shuttle.
There's Disney planes. There's Disney ferries.
They don't do anything that's not Disney. Everything is Disney World.
They are, they, and it, to me, it is, it is disgusting. It is disgusting.
You should be teaching your children about culture, about the world. You take them to Scandinavia.
You take them to places like that. You take them to Europe.
You take them to China. You do not continually keep taking them to the fucking magic kingdom and go to Epcot.
Take them to France. Don't take them to Epcot.
Plus size park hoppers. Let's see them get mean.
I need to eat at the quietest restaurant on Disney property, but you weren't sure if you'd fit. Hey, everyone.
We're plussize park hoppers and we range in sizes from 2X to 5X. Make sure you like this video and follow us for more plus-size Disney tips and tricks.
On this episode of If I Fits, I Sits, we visit Sci-Fi Dine-In in Hollywood Studios. This restaurant takes you back in time to a 1950s drive-in where you dine under the stars while watching short sci-fi clips.
The seating at this restaurant is a mixture of picnic tables, car booths, and cars with tables in it. Let us start out by saying that the ambiance here is a 10 out of 10.
We were initially seated at a car booth and we fit but it was a tight squeeze so we opted for a picnic table. It also would have been super awkward as a party of three as there are two people per row.
Ashley would have had to sit behind us and it would be pretty difficult to talk to her. Unfortunately, these booths are not adjustable.
Picnic tables were fine, but they were picnic tables. I would like to note that the picnic table chairs cannot be moved.
The menu here is pretty small with mostly burger options. Katie and I started out with the milkshakes.
They kind of tasted like a frosty, but not as good. Ashley and I got the black garlic Caesar salad.
I couldn't taste any garlic over all of the salt on the lettuce and the lettuce was bitter. Then Ashley got the banh mi burger.
The whole burger was soggy and the flavor was lackluster. I got the classic American burger which I actually really liked and the sauce on the side was delicious.
I liked this much better than the salad. That's right.
Really? Chicken citrus salad and also found her salad to be salty.

Like literal flakes of salt.

I think you guys are salty because you didn't fit.

Have you been dying to eat at the...

I love my girls.

My plus size park hoppers.

That's exact...

By the way, it's so funny to watch the Disney people get mad in the comments.

It's like, that's what this is.

What do you think it is?

What do you think it is? Who do you think should be there okay somebody goes it's very sad four beautiful young girls like you instead of taking care of yourselves decide to create an Instagram account to review among other things if you can fit in restaurants at Disney parks come on you were in the best moment of your life take advantage of your passion for parks and try to enjoy them being more fit, healthy instead of this. So he's more insane than them.
Do you see how the commenter is more crazy than them? Take your passion for parks. They're fucking adults.
They're adults. There's people in the park.
It's based off of cricket. The guy that started it was a Nazi.
He was a Nazi.

People are walking around.

It's like, he's crazier than they are.

You should be enjoying these parks as a fit person.

What?

Imagine getting in great shape and then going to Disney.

Like going back?

Now I only eat a quarter of the shit burger

at the fucking pedophile Nazi land.

It's a horrible place.

Anyone who likes Disney World,

I want them so far away from me.

I love this article I read that the cool ant stereotype study

finds ants play a critical support role to LGBTQ youth.

Let's talk about this cool ant thing for a little bit.

Cause I have a lot to say about this,

by the way.

Um,

cause it dovetails into a lot of what I talk about,

which is kind of this reverse engineering,

uh,

people who actually have very,

very tragic lives into, lives into these folk heroes.

Okay.

You know, my friend had a cool aunt.

Her name was Aunt Deb.

Okay.

She was single,

shot a leather jacket.

She drank and smoked cigarettes all day.

When you're 13,

we thought she was the best.

She had this guy she was kind of in and out of a relationship with. Okay? She would listen to Fleetwood Mac real loud, and she would smoke cigarettes on her toilet.
And we thought that was great. She'd get high in her backyard, and she'd get in the hot tub.
Okay? And she'd blast the song Dreams by Fleetwood Mac. When the rain rushes, you clean your nose.
Thunder only happens when it's raining. And she would just smoke her butt, and she would just dance at this bar called the Irish Circle.
Players only love you when they're playing. And we'd go, what a cool aunt.
Here's what it really was.

She was living in hell.

She was living.

Players only love you

when they're playing.

Drink and drive you have

no kids to kill.

Go home and take that bottle of pills. So this idea, this cool ant, we invented this term to, like, make people's lives less terrible.
And by the way, there's nothing wrong with it either because not everybody's life has a degree of tragedy,

some more than others.

But this cool aunt that we never care about really,

no one checks on her.

Nobody checks on the cool aunt.

Hey, are you okay?

No one says that.

No one says that to the cool aunt. The cool ant is just kind of there to be cool.
You can sneak a cigarette with your cool ant. You can tell your cool ant you suck someone off at the park.
You're cool. You can.
I suck someone off at the park. Yeah.
If I had a dollar for everyone, I sucked off at the park. When the rain washes you clean, you'll know.
Every cool aunt listens to Dreams by Fleetwood Mac while fisting herself. Every cool aunt is in her bed with a vibrator listening to Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.
The room smells like weed. Every cool aunt.
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know. Thunder only happens when it's raining.
Every cool aunt shows up to the wedding a little late because she, she put on a nice buzz the night before. She put on a nice buzz the night before.
Every cool aunt has a story of like her best friend killing themselves or something. They always have like a locket or something.
And she's like, that friend Sarah. She was my best friend.
She was gonna be a ballerina. She killed herself.
She's dead now. Put on Fleetwood Mac.
We saw Fleetwood Mac together and then Sarah drove home and she was hit by a drunk. That's why I drive drunk.
To dull the pain. Every cool aunt's best friend was murdered in front of her.
She always has some quasi-lesbo relationship with a woman who was beheaded in front of her. That was I had an Aunt Jen.
She's had pills. She like asks for money for drugs.
She was. She, like, now, like, they've taken her children.
You know what I mean? Like, the government comes into her house with battering rams now. She was the cool aunt.
She was cool. You could tell her anything.
We can tell her anything. Now she's, like, all of her kids are trans.
She made them all trans. She, like, told them they were trans.
And she's like, all of her kids are trans. She made them all trans.

She told them they were trans.

She's like, you're all trans.

And mommy loves her trans babies.

When the rain washes you clean.

Thunder only happens when it's raining.

My kids are all trans. There's no explaining.
The teachers called CPS on me. They called...
This is the natural end of the cool ant. The natural end of the cool ant.
I had an ant who faked her own death. I'm not even going to go through this.
I'm just saying it's funny. What does this article say? Ants play a surprisingly critical role in supporting LGBTQ youth.
By the way, aren't most, and I don't want to sound indelicate or offensive to people. I know people have real problems out there.
But at this point, aren't a lot of LGBTQ, outside of very religious families or stuff, or people that don't like you, but it's not just your cool aunt anymore. I mean, there is more acceptance than just a cool aunt.
The researchers interviewed 83 LGBTQ youth in South Texas and the Inland Empire of California who reported ambivalence or low support from their parents regarding their identity. Of those mentioned, 38 mentioned their aunts when asked to identify their most supportive non-parental.
Yeah, because your aunt doesn't care what you do, nor should they. Here's the deal.
If you come out as gay and your parents hate you, they're pieces of shit. If you come out as trans and your parents hate you, like really trans, then they're pieces of shit.
Or maybe they just need some time. But if you're going to be one of these people who's, you know, constantly confusing everyone with 18 identities every other minute, you can't expect everybody to validate and affirm you all the time.
You know, and I think maybe this is what they're, they're. You know, I don't know.
I'm sure there are people that come out and go, I'm gay, and their parents don't like them. And their aunt's like, you know, one of my friends is gay.
His name is Jimmy. They're always kind of drunk, your aunt.
They always kind of have, like, a neurological disorder a little bit. When it comes out when they drink, they kind of like start like a neurological disorder a little bit the way

when it comes out when they drink they kind of like start to have like ms a little when they drink and all the cool aunts are like they always have like a um they're always like wise they think they're like wise beyond their years you know what i mean they have like an old car but it's cool It smells like cigs.

My friend Jimmy was gay.

He's dead.

He died on the beach. They have like an old car, but it's cool.
It smells like cigs. My friend Jimmy was gay.

He's dead.

He died on the beach.

No one knows how.

You want to go to a movie with me?

Your mother was always different than I was.

Real prom queen type.

I like my job

at the local paper.

I write the obituaries.

My friend Jimmy was

gay. He was in a

relationship with his own father.

I mean,

you could just

tell how much it meant for them to have this adult family member, this aunt who saw them for who they were, loved them for who they are, and will do anything for them.

I think we often miss this because so much research focuses on the parent-child dynamic or parents rejecting their child.

We're missing that there are actually adult family members such as aunts who are deeply supporting and loving.

By the way, totally agree that there's, I think we got to get moved beyond the parent, moved beyond the aunt. How about the boss? How about the boss? How about a little capitalism? How about a little capitalism here? Oh, if you're a killer at your job, they don't care who you fuck.
How about that? How about that? You know? How about that? Define yourself by what you do, not who you are. Be a unit of production.
Stop with people accepting you. First of all, guys, can we stop with this crap? People accepting you and validating you.
It's like, I don't know what happened. When I was growing up, literally it was the, everybody was like, be who you are.
And if people aren't on board with that, fuck them. You can be an individual.
Then it became like, somewhere it became like this, it became like like your job is to convince everyone that lives on this earth to vocally support you at all times. And you're like, well, that sounds exhausting and counterproductive.
That sounds like odd. They're like, no, it's literally your job to make everybody around you believe the things you believe.
The job of a cool aunt, okay, is to present an option for you. That life is an option.
There's worse lives. There's getting your hijab ripped off in Iran and getting acid thrown in your face.
That's much worse than being the cool aunt. The cool aunt's an option.

Her job is to present that option.

When you're a teenager,

all the friends that you have that are adults

are there to present an option of how to live.

You can be like mommy.

You can be like daddy.

You can be like Aunt Jolene.

You can be like your cousin, that soccer dyke at the state school. Who's a little too pepped up all the time and happy.
She's really in a... We had red night, blue night.
Red team, blue team. And I was on the blue team and the last year I was on the red team.
And it's really fun because we get involved we all play sports we all drink and I eat pussy and I drink all the time and everything's about being on a sports team and doing games and fun stuff don't you want to go to the fucking rec center and party I hope I never leave school be like me my name is Krista my name is Krista I have frizzy hair and a big bush. I pretend to like cock.
You can be her. You can be her if you want.
Or you can be Aunt Deb. When the rain washes you clean your...
That's one. We had another Aunt Deb.
She was not a cool aunt. I kind of liked a little better.
Whose husband divorced her. And she lived in a big house upstate and she was terrifying.
She was kind of like, I don't know, she had like a sideshow Bob energy. And she would just open the door.
If me and her kids were there, like we'd have sleepovers, she'd just open the door and she would just go, go to sleep, shut your mouth. Shut your mouth, go to sleep.
She would say it to like gritted teeth. She'd go, shut up, go to sleep.
Shut up. And her sister lived across the street and she had more money.
So she like hated her a little bit. But she didn't.
But she like resented her. Shut up and go to sleep.
Everybody's going to sleep now. The day is over.
She used to say it. The day is over.
So that's the job. The job of any cool aunt is to present to you an option for how you can live.
When you're 14 and you're looking around at the world, you're like, alright, there's people that are rich, there's people that are happy. There's people that are broke and happy and rich and miserable.
There's people that are deadly serious about everything. There's people that are kind of goofy and clownish.
There's people that seem to have secrets and they're mysterious and they have layers. Some of those people actually have those things.
Many of them are just very boring. You realize that later.
Some of the secret mysterious people are actually just incredibly dull. You learn that as you grow up in life.

You're like, oh, no, I thought you were cool.

Are you a spy?

It's like, they're not no spy.

And it's all options.

And you take it all in as a child.

And, you know, you take it all in.

But the cool aunt is an option.

She goes, this is what happens if you allow a song to be. Can you get that non-copyrighted? Is there any way? I can try.
The coolant is if you allow the song Dreams from Fleetwood Mac to become your personality in life. Okay? A coolant is about a Sunday, 4.30 p.m.
vibe. She's got a margarita.
She's at a bar. She's tan.
She's a little chunky. She's having a few pops.
She's having a few pops. Maybe she's got a burger with some potato chips, not fries.
She's a wild card. She likes chips with the burger.
Okay? It's every cool amp. It's the song Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.
Is this real? Could this be real? No copyright? No, these are all like techno versions. We'll get dinked really hard.
I know. If we play Dreams by Fleetwood Mac right now, here's what will happen.
YouTube will run studio and they will kill me can you get the lyrics up? the lyrics of Dreams by Fleetwood Mac are all cool ants all cool ants are Irish no matter what nationality they are they're all Irish they're deeply tragic and they like to party folks when I read this when I read these fucking lyrics this is every cool hand now here you go again you say you want your freedom well who am I to keep you down it's only right that you should play it the way you feel it but listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness like a heartbeat drives you mad in the stillness of remembering what you had and what you lost and what you had and what you lost. Thunder only happens when it's raining.
Players only love you when they're playing. Say women, they will come and they will go.
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know. So this is the anthem of the cool land.
She puts it on in her car.

Back then, they used to drive, you know, fun cars.

I don't know what they would drive now.

I don't know what the coolants would drive now.

I had a friend, she had a coolant named Aunt Allie.

They all have names like that, Aunt Allie.

And they're all fun.

And then sometimes the coolants have kids and they change. But the real cool aunt can't have a kid.
She has to go it alone. She has to stare down death alone.
It is what she has chosen to do. The cool aunt must stare down the specter of her mortality alone.
She must.

It is her calling.

It is her calling to

stare down. She must

smoke a joint.

She must have a friend

named Fran or

Darlene.

And this person must

accompany her to the local hole.

The local gin mill.

The local blood box.

They must knock them back.

She must talk about her family.

The cool aunt has a lot of opinions about the family.

She's been fucked over.

She didn't get what she had coming to her.

No one took care of dad like the cool aunt.

Dad always loved her and she should have got more than she did. You know,

she'll talk about the man who got away.

She'll talk about that man. The cool aunt always had one great love and that man

didn't stick around. He's gone.

She'll be about that man. The cool aunt always had one great love, and that man didn't stick around.

He's gone.

She loves her nieces and nephews.

Of course.

She's the cool aunt.

They come out to her, they go, I'm non-binary.

She goes, good for you.

She goes, I read an article about that.

I'm cool with it. Sounds cool to me.

And she'll just scrounge around looking for a lighter. Maybe she's vaping now.
Koulant's vape. They vape.
You know, she goes, you gotta do what makes you happy. Gotta do what makes you happy.
And she's not wrong. But she's wrong.
Do you understand that? You understand that you should? You should do what makes you happy to a point. To a point.
Everything's to a point. Israel! You should do what makes you happy to a point.
You can't always do what makes you happy. So whether that's, you know, chocolate cake for breakfast, a little champagne in the afternoon, a boozy lunch with your friend Tara, you know, pretending you have breast cancer to get attention during Christmas or invading Rafa and killing another 20,000 people.
Whatever you want to do, you can't always do it. You can't.
But I got a lot to say about the cool. say the cool ant was a big part of my life big part of the lives of me and all my friends they are there to give and your kids should know them your kids should know them and they should know you should say to them you can live like that you can live like that if you want you can live the way she does you can live the way she does.
You can live the way she does. She doesn't get anywhere on time, your aunt.
I love your aunt, but she doesn't get anywhere on time. She chooses herself.
Of course, she's seen the best concerts. The cool aunt always sees the best concerts.
She doesn't have anything else to do. She looks like she has more money

because she's got no one to spend it on.

She goes on great vacations, your cool aunt,

with her friends,

and they burn, their melanoma skin burns

in the hot Puerto Rican sun.

She's always somewhere tropical, your cool aunt,

and she'll tell ya.

She'll tell ya.

I just got back from Puerto Rico with my girlfriend. She has the freedom you think you want as a child.
The freedom you think you need. The freedom that will make everything okay.
She can smoke, drink, do whatever she wants. She's got a fun little condo in a little community of condos.
She tells you it's added $70,000 in value in the past 36 months. She's happy about that.
She has something called equity in her condo. She talks about it as she lights another stick.
She does everything you wish you could do, but as you get older, you see her as kind of a samurai sword, like she's a monk. She's a religious figure.
The cool aunt's a religious figure. She's got a religion, and she does exactly everything she's supposed to do.
That's what's so interesting about life.

As you get older,

you realize that people are actually doing everything they're supposed to do.

No one's actually,

no one's at Morgan and Morgan.

There it is.

There it comes.

Look at that.

And if your aunt hits someone in her car and she will,

you call Morgan and Morgan,

but people are predictable. This is interesting about life.
This is simply why life cannot go on forever by the way. Because you notice the predictability, the patterns.
You want to live to 300? You'd be sitting here, be going, Israel! Can you believe it? They're at it again. They're at it again.
They're firing late. They're going to be firing lasers.
When the weapons get so advanced, they're going to be teleporting into the place. People from Gaza will be teleporting into Israel, blowing themselves up.
Come on now. Come on.
I'm just saying people are predictable. Things get predictable.
You start noticing the patterns in the simulated little Truman show these articles I love these articles the cool ants there for the LGBTQ youth good but don't forget about her and her needs the cool ant but you do actually have to forget about her and her needs that's's the fun of it. You actually do.
You actually do. Because she's locked herself up.
She's constructed her own prison and lives in it quite happily. Quite happily, she doesn't know any other way.
She doesn't know anything else. I love all the cool ants out there.
Pour one out for them. Pour a glass of Santa Margarita.
Pour a glass of Santa Margarita.

Pinot Grigio out for the coolant.

Light a Marlboro Light for the coolant.

Okay?

Buy a Kia for the coolant.

Drive 75 on a highway while you're listening to a little, while you're listening to a song Good by Los Lobos for the coolant.

Listen to the song Good by Los Lobos for the cool ant. Listen to the song Good by Los Lobos.

Isn't it Los Lobos?

Los Lonely Boys or Los Lobos?

The cool ant loves Los Lobos.

But the song Good.

Oh, Better Than Ezra.

Better Than Ezra.

You listen to the song Good by Better Than Ezra for the cool ant.

Okay?

I'm telling you right now,

I might put together a cool ant mixtape,

an anthology.

Dreams by Fleetwood Mac,

Good by Better Than Ezra,

Los Lobos or Los Lonely Boys or whatever.

A Dave Matthews song, but I can't figure which one.

Maybe Crush.

Lisa Loeb's on there.

I can't live in the heart.

I can't pay attention to the...

I don't understand if you really care.

I only hear...

But the cool aunt likes... She likes a party song.
Because life is a party. Until it's not.
And here's the deal. She's an isolated woman.
But she's proud. She's tough.
And if she comes at you, she lashes out. She lashes out and she shows her teeth.
She's damaged your mother. Your mother said a few things and the cool aunt goes right to her throat.
Your mother will cry and walk inside because she's had an argument with the cool aunt. Okay.
And Israel's kind of that cool aunt right now. She's kind of that cool aunt.
She's increasingly isolated. She's smoking her cigs.
She's listening to Fleetwood Mac. She's driving on the highway and she's going to get there a little late and she's going to kill everyone when she does.
And all I'm saying to Israel is it's Christmas, okay? Sometimes you got to put down the sword, walk in, look at everyone around the house. By the way, I imagine the people that like really believe this is like a new, like a new show.
Like people do watch this. Like it's a new, I would just, I hope it's shown to like other country.
Cause it's just, cause I was in Europe watching BBC news and it's just like,

there were 14 people killed last hour by airstrike.

It's so exact.

And then like there's this, but it's, it's true.

Israel right now has cool aunt vibes, but it's too much.

Cause we're all starting to go like, Hey, hey girl. Girl.
I know you got your pain. I know you got your pain.
I know your friend killed herself. But you can't use that as an excuse to constantly brutalize.
Mom. You guys got to get along.
Stop biting your cheek.

Stop biting your cheek.

It's not going to get better.

Stop putting the sandwich in so far.

Keep hurting your mouth.

You have a big fat cheek.

You keep biting it.

It's not nice.

You keep using that mouthwash that says it's from sores. Does that even help? No one knows.

This is what I mean. And all we've got left is the Olympics.
I fear. I fear if it's a wasted opportunity, we're not going to get it back.
We'll have to wait four years. All we've got left is a well-coordinated ceasefire to be celebrated at the Olympics with a ceremony

where Israel and Palestine can fucking put down the...

When people can just be people again.

A great showing of sport. It's what we need.
It's what we need. It's what the world needs.
You know, I've been vocal in the past and I've said things like, I don't think the Olympics are going to get people to really abandon their bad feelings. There's a lot of people out there that, you know, are, you know, they're not, you know,

there's a lot of like, you know, it's a genocide and we're not going to forget it and we're going to keep fighting. But I think there are those people that, like me, I'm very susceptible to the emotional appeal, you know, like an emotional moment.
And if you have an Israeli hostage, little child, lighting the torch with a Palestinian who has like one arm because of the rocket, a one-armed Palestinian baby, little toddler, and an Israeli toddler, and they light. And it would help if the Israeli had one arm as well, to be honest.
I'm not saying take the arm off, but let's find, we can do it. Let's find two children that have one arm.
If you see two, an Israeli and a Palestinian toddler and they each have one arm and they're holding those arms together and there's an Olympic torch and you don't tear up a little bit, you're a sick fuck. Because that type of thing, that'll make the hardest bitch you know weep.
That'll make the cool aunt weep. And she'll show it to people.
That's the things cool aunts do. She'll be like, remember the Olympics in 2024 in France? Because you'll be like, you'll be like, you know, Todd doesn't really like me anymore.
He doesn't even want to talk to me. And your cool aunt goes, listen, listen, don't worry about that.
There were these countries called Israel and Palestine, and they hated each other. Palestine kidnapped a bunch of Israelis and raped them, and then Israel killed, like, a bunch of their people.
And then there was the Olympics, and a one-armed Palestinian child and a one-armed Israeli lit the fucking torch. And everybody looked at them and realized the most important thing that life is bullshit.
And we all just got to make the best of it. And you're going to be like, fuck, my aunt is the smartest person that I've ever met in my whole entire life.

And then later on that night, your mother will tell you, you know, she lives in her car.