Desperately Seeking Salvation: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023

Good morning, millennials, and welcome back to the toast.

Happy Wednesday.

It is hump day.

A great day here at the toast.

A great day, really, no matter where you are.

Universally beloved day.

I feel like they love,

I feel like

they love Wednesday, like even in the most dire of circumstances, you know?

You're a prisoner at Guantanamo, but it's Wednesday.

It's hump day.

The thing about hump day, though, is that like it's Wednesday, which is actually a sucky day.

Well, excuse me for trying to put a positive spin on a long car ride.

Yeah.

No, you're excused.

But lest we not forget, like, it's the middle of the week.

We're getting over the hump.

We're getting you over the hump.

But, you know, we

talk a lot about the perks of hump day, and I don't think we talk about the negatives enough.

Jackie, don't start because that's just a slippery slope, you know?

I don't think we talk about the negatives enough.

I know.

And this hump day doesn't feel like a regular Wednesday because the rest of our week is like fucked.

Fucked.

Yeah, it feels like a Wednesday for me because like it sucks and I look so ugly.

Like I'm doing no hair no makeup on the toast But it's because I got a spray tan and I'm about to get on a flight and honestly like I just couldn't do it, you know?

Yeah, you're pulling a Chris Appleton.

It's like such a crazy brave thing to do like to be on this YouTube channel that millions of people see hourly and to be looking like your most borderline natural self.

Like I deserve seriously a purple heart.

I'm so brave.

No, you're fine.

Like you're skinny and you're tan, so it's fine.

Also, it's not like your makeup.

It's not like me if I come on without makeup.

I don't have eyebrows and I don't have eyelashes and I like have no color in my face.

Like you have a face.

No, I see how you could see that.

You have a face and you have a tan and you're like a vi.

You're a mood.

Thank God for the tan.

Let's just leave it there.

Yeah.

Although it was just an absolute delight to like roll out of bed like a man this morning.

Like I literally took a shower because I washed off my spray tan.

I put on some deodorant.

I threw my hair back and I put on clothes.

Like, what a life.

Yeah.

What a fucking life.

The luxury.

Yeah.

The privilege.

I got to like lay around for like an extra 20 minutes.

Loved every minute of it.

Do you think that that's what's in your future?

Manliness?

No, no, that's that's a good question.

I think perhaps what might be in my future is, you know, more podcast-only days because when we're not on YouTube, we don't have to get all, you know, glamorous, gussied up.

So honestly, like, I'm jealous of the people who just have podcasts, you know?

I know we could be

ourselves so much time and money on makeup if we just did a podcast.

Makeup on this studio.

Oh, yeah.

But we've already discussed that.

And that's why it's so important that you subscribe to our YouTube channel because the more subscribers we have, the less likelihood we'll ever go podcast only permanently.

But no, we're definitely not going podcast only permanently.

We've come this far.

And now, and now video is kind of germane to podcasting, which it wasn't when we started it this way.

But even if we were just podcasters, we probably would have had to get on the video train sometime this year.

Yeah.

And that would have been overwhelming.

Yeah, like to have to do it all at once, start wearing makeup makeup to work and being on camera and setting up a studio.

You know, the clips, what the clips giveth, the clips also taketh away.

You mean because our clips aren't doing what they used to do?

No, because the clips like, you know, are changing our business.

Everyone's like falling in love with us on TikTok and Reels, but we have to get all gussied up.

Oh, that's what they're taking away.

They're taking away, you know, chipping away at the pieces of my soul.

Got it.

I thought you meant because when we first started posting clips, it was just so much fanfare.

No.

And now we're really like claw.

No, that's just not true.

Our clips are still killing it.

I don't know what happens on TikTok, but I know what I see on reels.

On reels, they're killing it.

Like, don't come for the clips.

Oh my God.

The clips, not only are they a cornerstone of this business, they're near and dear to my heart.

So say something negative about the clips.

You're basically saying something negative about me.

I literally didn't say anything negative about that.

You said that they're not popping off.

But that could just be the algorithm, not the clips themselves.

That's so like the fact that you would come for the clips, like this early in the morning when I'm not wearing makeup.

But I'm not coming for the clips.

And also, if I'm coming for the eclipse, I'm coming for myself.

I would say like coming for the eclipse is like 50% coming for myself, but it's really like 15%.

You know how I feel about the clips.

Like the clips are like you, okay, ready?

The clips to me is like rolled to you.

Does that kind of put it in perspective?

Yeah.

Just so you can like kind of understand where I'm coming from.

So on Sunday, are you celebrating Clippers Day?

I am.

I am.

Sunday, Mother's Day is a really big day for me.

Not only am I the mother of the clips, I'm the mother of Theo, and I'm kind of like a mother of this community.

That's beautiful.

Yeah.

Basically, I don't have any children.

Yeah.

How's Theo?

Great question.

I haven't seen him in so long.

He is at his, my in-laws, his grandparents, where he honestly prefers to spend his time when we were in Nashville.

And then I came back Sunday and I was leaving again today.

I was like, why disturb Theo?

He's so happy.

They take him to the beach.

He has his routine.

So I left him there.

And it's been hard, I can't lie.

Being in my house, like without Ben and without Theo,

it's truly not a life worth living.

It's so empty and lonely.

That is really empty.

That's why I've been spending so much time with you.

Not to rub it in, but I slept with Shry Sam last night and usually sleeps towards the end of the bed because that's where I put heating pad or that's where like his favorite barefoot dreams blanket is.

But last night when I got into bed, like he just decided to like sleep in my spot.

So I went to Zach's spot and I slept there.

Like we were together the whole night.

Yeah, no, I have slept with Bruno.

many times and I can tell you it's one of the most unpleasant experiences.

You have to know how to sleep sleep around the stry sand.

No, I think when your baby boy is at my house, he feels like a little displaced because he's not with his mama and he just wants to curl up to like the warmest thing.

So he has to sleep like in my vagina.

He gives me no room to breathe.

Yeah, sometimes in the night, like I wind up on my back.

I usually sleep on my side of when you're pregnant.

Like you, it's best to sleep on your side, but sometimes, you know, you roll over.

Things happen.

And I sleep on my back.

And like with my, if my legs are even like a little bit separated, stry-sands in the middle.

Did you know that Megan Maroney song?

This is literally about Bruno.

I sleep on my side

and you sleep with everyone.

I don't, that's not the right melody.

I've only heard it a few times, but that's literally Streis.

Sure.

I was actually listening to the Megan Maroney album this morning.

That's so good.

Finding new meaning in some of the lyrics, like Trader Joe, she's saying, like, she's a trader, Joe.

Trade her, Joe.

You know, grammar's so important.

It always means that.

And then, of course, it's like Trader Joe's.

Let's get groceries.

But you once pointed out to me like the importance of a comma.

Do you remember this?

When?

Oh, put me in, coach.

Put me in, coach?

Put me in, coach.

Yeah, two different meanings.

One, you want to get in the game.

The other, you want to sit in the economy.

Right.

And trust and believe, if I'm ever saying put me in, coach, I want to go to the field because I don't want to sit in coach.

But you want to get in the game.

If I had to choose between the two, yeah, I'd like to get in the game.

Hmm.

You're looking stunning today.

I am.

Just kind of stunting, like you knew I was going to look ugly, so you had to look nice.

I do the exact same makeup every single day.

Like you're wearing this colorful sweater.

Oh, yeah, I got a new curtigan.

And when I felt like I was an old curdigan.

That's like, I think what she was trying to say when she wrote that song.

Yeah,

she was.

And this is not an old curtigan.

This is a new curtigan.

It's nice and pleny.

And when I felt like I was a new curdigan.

Exactly.

New Curtigan, new you.

New Curtigan, greater than old Curtigan.

I don't know.

I feel like sometimes an old curtigan that like has been with you

in your family for years.

It's morphed to your shape.

And it has memories and it has like, you know, like holes and stuff, but that's what like makes it like important.

Then you like wrap it around yourself when you're staring off into the distance on your porch contemplating divorce, you know?

That's like cardigans are made for contemplation.

You don't agree?

Well, they're also made for pregnant women right now.

Yeah.

But like if you're not just like wrapping the curtigan and like thinking,

why bother wearing a curtigan?

Because you're cold.

Because you want to cover your arms.

Because you want to cover your booty.

Because you want to cover your arms.

That's really all you need to cover.

Because you want to cover your sides.

Yeah, no, now that I think about it, curtigans are so versatile.

That's why I keep asking you to bring me some fucking curtigans.

And I keep telling you, just come over to my fucking house.

Oh, yeah.

Now I'm going to go shopping in your closet, but you're never home.

The life of a jet-setting star.

So you and the Satchel are off to Dallas.

Can you believe I'm spending like a week with Satchel?

It's literally one night, but a weekend.

Katie, it's two nights, bitch, and that's exactly what a weekend is?

You said a week.

Oh, I meant a weekend.

Can you believe, like, do you think Katie Maloney is going to feel weird that I'm spending like a good amount of time with Satchel?

No, I think she trusts you.

Yeah, around the Satchel.

She trusts Satchel.

Implicitly.

Are they still together?

I really don't know.

Okay.

Well, Vanderpump Worlds is on tonight.

That's exciting.

But let's talk about your

48 hours with the Satch.

I'm heading to Dallas today.

Tomorrow,

Academy of Country Music Awards.

Snatch and I are walking the carpet.

We're doing some carpet interviews.

We're going inside the show.

And then I think we're going to hit up an after-party.

It's going to be like a crazy day.

And

this is subject to change, but I think I'm wearing my hair up, which is...

She is wearing her hair up.

She has to.

If you thought this was brave, you know, coming on this YouTube channel that millions of people see hourly with no makeup and no hair, just wait till you see me on the carpet tomorrow.

An updo.

A shiny.

But we've established that updos are greater than

they are.

But like, you know, it's just crazy.

I'm using a local Dallas hairstylist who I'm sure she's amazing.

You know, Margo's used her before, but it's not someone I'm like, you know, super comfortable with.

And hair to me is just so personal, more personal than comedy.

Yeah, you just have to kind of let some of your walls down.

I can't.

You're like making everything such a big deal in your mind.

It's like, girly swirly, you're wearing your hair up.

Your jaw is snatched.

What's the problem?

I can't.

I can't.

Like, my walls, they protect me, you know, and they've protected me for years.

I know, but you have to let them down.

I can't.

You're like just holding on to all of this anxiety.

This trauma.

Anxiety.

I'm going to try.

I'm really going to try.

Just let the chips fall where they may.

How scary is that?

It's fine.

Like, it's literally fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

You've like put in all the work.

I'm putting like a lot of pressure on this up to.

Like.

I think that's a mistake.

I know, I agree.

Because then I'm just going to hate it regardless.

Yeah.

Like what up to could be that perfect.

So true.

Like, I just think like she's going to spin me around in the chair and I'm going to be Margot Robbie.

But like, I just think you you should get in the chair and be like, do your worst.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, but like the whole thing together is going to look really nice.

Like, try not to hyper-focus and just have fun.

That's just not something I'm good at.

Hyper-focusing, like, not hyper-focusing, and then just like having fun.

Just have a cocktail.

That probably, like, is the right decision.

Yeah.

Just one.

Of course.

I don't need to be like sloppy out on the carpet, like, grabbing everyone's ass.

But you would do that regardless.

100%.

If you've seen our red carpet live live streams, you know, they have a twinge of unhingedity.

She's kind of like cheating on me in her red carpet live.

I am, I am.

I'm like part of another duo now.

But let me just say, nothing compares to Jackson Claude.

Do you feel like you have a different personality or like role in your other duo with Snitch?

Yes.

What do you feel like it is?

It feels like I am very much bossy and in control.

Like I am bossy with you, but like I feel very comfortable.

Like we really split everything like 50-50 in terms of like management and like, you know, the satch is just the satch and i feel like protective and i want to like do everything for her no but i mean like when you're live yeah when you're doing the

the hosting yeah do you feel like you have a different personality dynamic when you're with her personality dynamic

yes because i'm the older sister now so it's like i get to be like ah you know like i know better

you're just like a wallflower yeah and i'm just like okay jax whatever you say whereas with margo like i'm in charge bitch move over i'm the older sister and like what i say goes which honestly is very scary It's a lot of pressure.

People say like, oh, I wish I had more say.

I wish I could make more decisions.

It's like, okay, you live with it.

No, I do generally like to defer to you on like decision making.

So it really doesn't affect me in any way.

And let's be honest, like when I'm with Margo and there's a decision to make, like I will just be texting you.

So

it's really like you're there.

Got it.

You know?

Well, I'm excited to watch you girls do your thing.

Me too.

We'll be on the Amazon Fashion Snapchat.

So make sure to find us there.

We're going to be looking fashionable too.

Yeah, I'm excited to see the looks.

I'm also wearing a dress that's like kind of crazy and different, you know?

Because it's actually, it is like a little not me in terms of style.

It's because it's very feminine.

It's very feminine.

It's very country.

It's got bows.

Like, that's just not me.

You know me, I'm like going to wear black.

It is.

Well, it's white, but there's a little black too, yeah.

Yeah.

No, but it is, it's very girly, swirly.

Yeah, it's like very cutesy little ladybug.

Yeah.

When I'm used to dressing like a mammoth, you know?

She's a mammoth, of course.

How would you describe your style?

Whatever looks best.

Like, I really, I don't discriminate.

Like, it's not like I want to go boho.

Like, oh, does the boho look good?

Great.

Oh, the classic looks good.

That's why I feel like you're in this transition period with your shopping and your fashion.

I'm really realizing that now like you have choices.

Well, that's the other thing.

Now, I'm, and I talked about this, I feel like a lot every time I did like a Patreon try on vlog.

Like I really struggled like, because if something fit, I was just always

in the past.

I was just going to keep it.

I was going to wear it like it fits.

Like it's so hard to shop really at any size, but like in the bigger sizes, like there's such limited options for you and then like when you do find something that fits it might not even be the most flattering or the most beautiful but like you just feel compelled to wear it because it fits right now i'm at the phase where like multiple things fit but i really do still find myself like

being drawn towards the same like styles because i still have the same problem areas like i still have a really big fupa so the same styles you mean like silhouettes or silhouettes silhouettes okay like you know a rouged belly i'll never turn away

i'll never turn away a rouged item like rouged is check So, that's your style.

Rouge.

Ask a question again.

Turdy Lou, how would you describe yourself?

I like that.

Because I like it.

So, we've got a great show.

It's Wednesday.

We've got stories.

Describe the stories for us, Jax.

A little bit of everything.

A little bit of a story.

I wouldn't say like one hits harder than the other.

I would say like each are contributing their 20% to the past five.

Oh, my God.

Not me having a dream about Matt Healy.

Like, we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

And?

Like, it was,

it was hot.

Like we were, we were vibing.

Like, you know, we're two artists.

Someone describe us as, you know, both tortured artists.

And we had a lot in common.

And Taylor wasn't even a factor.

But it's like, that's my level of delusion.

Like, how much I was.

It was like a pit in the dream.

Like, that it was Taylor's man.

Sometimes, like, if I'm in a dream and, like, there's like a hot guy or something or like a celebrity that like I'm in love with, I always have a pit.

I'm like, oh, I'm married.

I can't.

But Taylor wasn't a factor, and neither was Ben in my dream.

And that's what he gets for going on a business trip.

I'm starting to forget about you, Ben.

Why don't you come home?

don't you come home?

Makes you think, you know who Matt Healy reminds me of?

Like, looks wise.

Who?

Mark from Ugly Betty.

You know what?

Yes.

Also, he's in Younger.

He's that book agent.

I love that actor.

Love.

Mark from Ugly Betty, who plays like Bestie of the Receptionist.

Amanda's Bestie.

He's like gay and mean.

She's like pretty and mean.

And they're just like a mean duo and they're so funny.

And then, yes, he's in Younger.

He plays the book agent for every various

various talents.

there's only one they are at a publishing company they need an agent to work with he's great he deserves more roles a hundred percent where has he been maybe if there's like a matt healy biopic he could play him literally um i like that call for you also you know what i started last night Jewish matchmaking.

I saw on your IG.

What do you think?

Well, I really liked the initial show called Indian Matchmaking that I thought really highlighted like beautiful parts of Indian culture and left Ben and I with like an immense respect.

I feel like there's a lot of like, you know, negativity when it comes to like arranged marriages.

They're so old school.

But I don't know.

It really gave me a fresh perspective on it.

And that's why I felt confident watching the Jewish one because matchmaking is a huge, huge part of Jewish culture.

It's not an arranged marriage per se, but it's, there are like a lot of professional women whose job it is to be matchmakers.

So I felt confident watching it because up until this point, everything I've seen that is even remotely like touches on Judaism on Netflix is so, honestly, like disgusting and offensive and borderline untrue, not borderline, untrue.

So I had not watched it, but then Brian called me.

He was like, you will love this show.

Like, the woman is amazing.

And Jackie, it's really good.

I've heard it's really good.

I've heard it represents all different levels of Judaism.

Levels of Judaism, personalities within Judaism, and is also really respectful towards Judaism.

And so maybe I will watch it.

And you know what I liked?

It's because like one of the problems, one of the shows on Netflix that...

claims to represent like Jewish culture is my unorthodox life.

And one of the problems I had with it was that like it really represented Orthodox Judaism.

Like really, it really misrepresented it.

Like there was so much,

you know, talk about how women in that community like can't leave the house and can't get jobs.

And, and the matchmaker here is ultra-Orthodox, not ultra-Orthodox, she's, she's Orthodox, she lives in Israel, and she's like a business owner.

She runs this very successful matchmaking business.

Her husband and her are like so cute.

You would die from the husband, like he was vacuuming their lawn.

Like, he's so cute.

And it just, like, that really is what those communities are like.

And like, that's why I felt the May Unorthodox Life show to be so inaccurate.

It's like, I know a lot of people who live in the community that they're talking about.

Muncie, we have family who lives there.

They have jobs.

Like, they start businesses.

They go to school.

They get their degrees.

Like, it's not this, like,

literally nobody stopped you from, like, leaving, going on a reality show, and embarrassing yourself.

Like, nobody's stopping you.

Right.

No, it's just, it was so inaccurate.

And so I real, the woman, Eliza, who's like the matchmaker, oh my God, she's so cute.

And she reminds me so much of like all of our teachers growing up.

She's literally Miss Sheinbein.

Remember Miss Sheinbein?

She was your teacher.

She wasn't your teacher?

Maybe for like one class.

Oh, you missed out.

Miss Sheinbein was my queen.

I didn't have enough classes with her to like identify with her as like my teacher.

I think about her all the time.

I would love to get in contact with her if somehow this podcast makes it.

I know she lives in Israel now and she got married so her name isn't Shinebein anymore.

She was like, you know, everyone has a teacher who like really left like a positive.

She was mine.

Who's yours?

Oh, a teacher who left a position.

Also, shout out to Miss Brachot.

She still works in my high school.

She was a queen.

Hmm.

Were you not impacted by your teacher in a positive way?

Nothing comes to mind, but I think.

Maybe all your teachers were so great.

Maybe.

I did bounce around schools a little bit, you know?

You did.

That's actually so true.

So I feel like I didn't get to have those attachments.

Oh, that's, that's hard.

Isn't that sad?

It is.

Like, I think so fondly back on so many of my teachers.

Don't get me wrong.

Some of them I literally wouldn't think twice before like slapping them in the face.

But so many of my teachers, like really, shout out Miss Bracho, Dr.

Aharon, you know, a lot of them really.

I guess maybe like more middle school teachers, like Mr.

Levine.

Well, Mr.

Levine was hot.

That's why he left a mark on us.

He also like cared about us.

Yeah.

He also tutored us.

Yeah, like he, he he cared about our success I wouldn't say I don't know that he cares about all students as much as like he liked us especially yeah I think he just like he could see that we were girlies yeah and I liked to think back in the day that he took a special liking to us because he like thought we were pretty no no no that's not why and he actually does care about all students because now he's the principal yeah but he like I think it's so important like when we're telling the story like you don't forget how hot he was yeah yeah and he was germane and he was like young and single which is like not very common for teachers you know especially our teachers were all like older and tenured he was like this hot young thing and he was like Israelian he like smoked cigarettes, but he always chewed gum and he smelled like tobacco and gum and it was like so hot.

This episode will probably make its way to him.

Well, I'm so glad to see him climbing the ranks, you know, now being the headmaster.

Getting to oversee more campers, having like a great impact.

No, I like was obsessed.

I think that was probably like my first crush now that I think about it, like before Maverick.

EM?

Yeah.

What did he teach us even?

Hebrew?

He taught Hebrew, but he tutored us in math.

Math, yeah.

He was like really smart.

Yeah.

Obsessed.

Oh my God.

Not him having to, like, if this, okay, by the way, if this episode gets back to all of our teachers, which I know it will because everyone on the planet listens to this podcast, like, of course it's the day I'm not wearing any makeup.

Maybe they'll just send, if you are going to send it around to the teachers, just send the podcast version.

Thanks.

And remember, like that other time you talked about a teacher and then he reached out?

Yeah, that story's in my book.

That story's in my book because that was a good story.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Which one?

Our English teacher from high school?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That story's in my book.

But that's like a, that story like makes me want to not do this job.

It's enough to quit.

It's enough to quit.

Yeah.

That's really the trouble with this podcast.

Like, I have got to stop.

I know.

But those stories, like, the ones we just told, like, that's what, like, that's what the toasters love.

It is true.

But, like, you guys don't know how we're putting like our personal lives out on the line for this show.

Just imagine like you talk about an old teacher and say that they're hot or whatever, and then they hear it.

And then they text you that they listen to your podcast.

Like, that's my 13th reason.

Like, it's enough.

I can't.

No, but I do hope to hear from like Ms.

Brockload.

Or honestly,

if I could be reconnected with Ms.

Scheinbein, like, and you know, the pro, there are pros and cons.

Sometimes you just talk about someone and they reach out.

It's like, oh my God, I can't believe this reached you.

And then you get reconnected and it's evil.

Right.

And that sometimes it's not.

And sometimes it's not.

What did you say about your English teacher?

No, I can't get back into it.

Read the book, girlwithnojob.com/slash book.

Very fair.

Now without further ado.

Yeah, let's just move on.

Without our teachers, here are the fast five stories that you need to know.

Like,

okay.

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I'm only not wearing them today because I was told you shouldn't wear leggings after a spray tan.

And that was like information I had never heard.

It makes sense.

I know.

So I did pack them.

You know, when I wearing the leggings.

Right.

Or the legs.

Sure, but the leggings.

So the pants that I wear every day on the toast are from Lululemon's Align Collection.

They're called the High Rise Mini Flare Pant.

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I've been wearing them throughout my pregnancy and they conform to my new shape.

Right.

They're like very weightless.

There's no like digging band in your stomach.

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Like sometimes I like literally could get nauseous and a stomachache from certain pairs of pants.

So get into the Lululemon Align Collection at lululemon.com.

Again, the pants that I always rave about are called the Lululemon Align Collection.

They're called the High Flare Pant, but they have a bunch of different options, a bunch of different colors.

I wear them in black because, you know, black is my queen.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Are you ready for our first story?

I am.

I'm curious.

I feel like I don't even know what the stories are today.

I'm feeling just like.

I feel like they'll all feel a little familiar.

Okay.

You've probably seen them around town.

There's just some new stuff.

First, you've seen Morgan Wallen reveals his diagnosis as he cancels six more weeks of tour dates.

Morgan Wallen has canceled six more weeks of tour dates after re-injuring his vocal cords.

He took to his Instagram on Tuesday afternoon to share the bad news that he received on Monday after visiting the Vanderbilt Voice Center in Nashville.

He said, quote, after taking 10 days of vocal rest, I performed three shows last weekend in Florida, and by the third one, I felt terrible.

He said he was advised to go on vocal rest for six weeks and he's decided to follow doctor's orders.

He said they want me to not talk at all, but they said if I need to, it's okay for something like this, because obviously he's talking in the video.

So postponing six weeks of tour, this literally, not to make it about me, couldn't be more have worked out worse for me.

Like he did three shows and strained himself and it was like the show I would have wanted to go to.

Right.

And so if he had canceled before, your show would have been rescheduled in Florida.

Oh, I couldn't wait.

Right.

I can't wait.

You could have been pumping on the way.

Yeah.

So

I'm sorry to Morgan Wall and his fans and his voice and to myself.

Yeah.

Well, I want to say, like, when I first saw this, I was like, oh, oh, oh, I was not buying it.

We talked about this.

So at first, when he canceled after the openers went on and he made people wait an hour.

Right, that OG show.

And his security guard video said that Morgan was drunk and that's why he canceled.

And then he canceled a few more shows to like make them lie look real, that he had lost his voice.

We were dubious.

Skeptical.

We were skeptical.

And when this thing came out, I was like, oh, please, like something is going on.

But you know, I'm a very well-connected person.

And I did like, you know, inquire to a few.

Did you?

To a few other well-connected people.

And it appears as though he's having major vocal trouble.

Like, I just feel like he's so, you know, his troubled almost that anytime something's even remotely awry, I'm automatically like, well what's going on he's drinking but i did inquire and everything i've been told appears to be that this is the truth i believe him because i i don't think he would cite like the vanderbilt voice center if he didn't go there because you know they would come out and be like we i don't i don't know this man when people well they can't because that's like doctor confidentiality but like when people like include so neat details i'm always like whoa you're lying

But sometimes it's the details that give it if they don't include any details and it's so vague What's her face went to a mental health facility Raquel even even though you know she actually did.

What is it?

I don't know.

I don't know what the facility is, but there was a lot of speculation about whether Raquel, like with her Instagram story statement saying she was going to like get treatment, whether she was going to like a spa, Canyon Ranch, or like an actual like mental.

And

as far as I've heard, she is in like an actual like facility.

Okay.

I believe him.

Well, I do too now that I...

inquired.

Because also, like, why would he, I guess, like, you could say, you know, he missed those shows because he had been drinking and then maybe he's taking six weeks to like go to rehab But I don't think so.

I don't think that

That he would do that.

I don't think his management like he could

Yeah, and they could just like keep propping him up for the rest of the tour I believe that his voice is shot.

You know what's so interesting to me?

I've been thinking about because like we're in like the summer concert series how pretty much like the four biggest artists in the world right now like are technically just based on tour Taylor Beyonce her tour is about to start Luke Combs and Morgan Lolland.

Isn't that crazy?

Those are the four artists playing all the stadiums this summer.

There's not other people who we just don't follow and you don't know about, like me.

Well, no, they do like those stadiums, but all over the world, but okay, fine, like hold, whatever.

I just feel like when we think about the big artists, we always say Taylor, we always say Beyonce.

We always say, when I come on my Instagram, it's like, I don't know if it, I see a picture of a stadium, I don't know if it's Luke or Taylor.

Right.

Like, they're like, isn't it so crazy that no one's talking about like Luke Homes is playing the same venues as Taylor Swift?

He's just so low-key.

He doesn't need all these athletes.

But, like, nobody talks about how, like,

yeah that's a thing yeah i just got so obsessed with luke homes album and actually like i have to go out of my way to listen to other music so that i can like be educated in the new music that's going on what's like a song from the album that like at first wasn't you know living giving to you and now it's like you've listened to it so much that it's really bringing on like well i've really been listening to my liked songs so it's like the ones that i choose but the other day i was listening to five leaf clover and just hit me like different again no it hits different when he says who would who could have wound up with weeds weeds?

Like, I'm not okay.

No, it, oh my God, I didn't even hear that part.

You know, because the whole, the whole song, I said, I didn't even have to register.

How about a guy like me who could have ended up with three, wound up with a five-leaf clover?

And also, a guy like me who'd have been with me.

Been fine with three.

Okay, so that's the, that's the lyric in the chorus.

But then at the last chorus, how a guy like me who could have wound up with weeds wound up with a five leaf.

Let me tell you, like, the lyricism, like, we all need to get into Luke Homes.

Like, I'm really sick of this.

Like, I don't like country, but you know what?

I don't like you.

No, I'm really so over that.

Like, people have just such a

misunderstanding of what country music is.

Like, and it's the same thing with like Taylor.

People are always like, Taylor is like pop star who like writes better boyfriends.

And it's not.

It's actually like profound lyricism.

It's poetry.

And really, Luke Hombs' music is poetry.

Yeah.

And it's about time like we all started fucking respecting it.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick.

I mean, we do.

I'm not talking about us.

I feel like we associate with people who don't.

I'm not talking about us.

You can only control yourself, Turdy Lou.

Jackie, listen to this lyric, okay?

I've already said it on the toast, but it's one that really stuck with me.

Some battles are bought.

No, sorry, I fucked it up.

Some battles are fought on foreign shores.

And some are fought behind closed doors.

Some fall from grace.

Some lose their way.

Some find the peace salvation brings.

Like, I'm not even a Christian, but I'm seeking salvation.

You are.

I am a Christian.

She's not a Christian.

She could be a Jew and believe in God.

You're seeking salvation.

Desperately seeking salvation.

No, the whole album.

And some, I have to skip some because, like, they make me too emotional.

And like, I just say I can't right now.

Except,

I do have to acknowledge like the one flop on the album that I always skip.

And you have a skip.

And I just want to say, I do this to all my favorite artists.

Luke, this is nothing against you.

But I do this to Taylor.

Like, there's just one flop on the album.

I'll tell you what mine is, but what's yours?

There's a fox

in the hen house.

It's like a song all about hunting.

Like, I genuinely can't relate to it.

I can't seem to get him out.

But it's honestly, like, I feel like if you're into hunting or you live on a farm and you know what it's like to have a fox like plague.

There was a fox on Brian's farm and it was killing all the animals.

Like a fox, it's like, it's like having lice.

It's like the worst plague.

So it's like, it's redneck imagery, you know?

So there are a lot of people who can relate to it and it's like all about like sneaking up on the fox and just like trying to kill the fox.

But let me tell you, like, I just have to skip the song.

It's not on my likes, so I don't listen to it that much.

But my skip is the hottest take of all time.

I think I've told you this.

What is it?

Fast Car.

Oh my God, you're not okay.

For those who don't know, Luke Holmes did a cover on his album, A Fast Car, the Tracy Chapman song.

It's like a song that he's like covered in bars like before he got famous.

And there's so many videos of him on the internet doing it and people loved it so much.

And he explained this weekend actually why the song is so important to him.

Like his dad introduced him to it and his dad used to play the cassette.

Yada, yada.

I cannot believe like I listened to it and I'm like, this isn't Luke.

Okay, here, like, it's not, like, it's, I don't like it because it's not Luke Holmes.

And I don't even love, like, I didn't love this, the song.

I never thought about the song before, but it's just like not my favorite song at all.

And I'm just like, I want to hear what Luke has to say.

I want to hear what Luke thinks.

Let me offer a different perspective.

I want you, because the song is all about, you know, getting out of town, like you and your girl, we got a car.

Let's just get out of here.

And the pronouns are off in the song.

Like, he's singing from a female perspective.

But I do want to, I want to

pull up the lyric where the pronouns are off just because that's where I kind of get stuck.

Okay.

My bad, my bad, my bad.

Okay, fast car lyrics.

And then

you have to get over the pronoun thing.

No, no, no.

It's not what's hanging me up completely.

Like, I'm just saying.

It's just always something that I notice.

Oh, sorry.

The point before you get into that, Jackie, the point that I was trying to make is like, I want you to actually listen to the song because it's not what you think.

Like, it's about.

Okay.

You have to listen to the whole song.

It's actually like a sad song.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

I'll listen.

Okay.

But it's not about like the words that are bothering me.

It's just like

it's just not looky enough.

Where did we go from here?

I know we're in Morgan Wallen.

Rest up, Morgi.

Rest up.

That's really scary because, like, is there a situation where your voice doesn't come come back?

Like, no, but there are a few artists who have had to get that surgery.

Adele got it, John Mayer got it.

It's like the vocal nodes.

It's a really scary surgery, especially if you're like a singer.

There's an episode of Glee where Lee Michelle has it.

But I don't think, unless they botch it, I don't know.

Okay, well, I hope that he takes the time that he needs.

Yeah.

You know, I saw clips from like his final show in Florida and like it was bad.

Oh, yeah.

Like the voice was not voicing.

Okay.

So speaks to the truth of this story.

Of the matter.

I believe it.

Yeah.

Be ready for our next story.

Yeah.

Robert De Niro is okay and good with welcoming baby number seven at 79.

So at the New York premiere of his most recent film, About My Father, on Tuesday, the Oscar winner told Extra that he recently welcomed a seventh baby.

He said that I'm okay with it.

I'm good with it.

That's just what a baby wants to hear.

Though he added, it never gets easier.

Because when he sat down with ET Canada for an interview about this movie, they were talking about his six children.

And he said, seven, actually.

That's how it was known that he fathered a seventh child.

He sired a seventh child.

So biblical.

Who's the mom?

So then Kim Cottrell said that he welcomed the seventh child.

That's his co-star in this movie with his rumored girlfriend, Tiffany Chen.

How old is she?

Tiffany Chen.

Give me a second.

Because I know like wealthy people have access to like, you know, insane medical care and stuff, but like he's literally.

64.

What?

No.

Hmm.

One second.

Let me just make sure it's the right

person.

It's giving Abraham and Sarah.

She had a baby, what, when she was 102 or something?

Yeah.

It's unclear.

A quick Google said 64, but maybe it's not

insane.

Tiffany.

Who is Robert De Niro's girlfriend, Tiffany Chen?

Thank you, Daily Mail.

Is there a photo?

Yeah.

Does she look 65?

She's wearing a mask.

Oh, so tough to tell.

Yeah.

I don't think she's 64.

Let me see a picture.

I think she's 64.

No, for real.

Like, what are you looking at?

And that makes me like Robert De Niro.

He's dating someone age-appropriate.

I don't think she is.

Let me see.

Let me see.

This.

She's wearing a mask in every photo.

Maybe it's a pandemic relationship.

I just don't think that

people have enough information about them as a couple, so they're like grasping on straws.

Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

Like us right now.

I actually feel like she could be 65.

I don't know.

No, the woman that I googled, like, that's not her.

Oh, okay, okay.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Well, happy for you, Robert.

You know,

it's amazing.

I don't know what to say.

I'm glad that he's good with it, though.

Yeah, no, no, I'm glad he's okay with it.

I'm glad he's feeling fine about his new baby.

Yeah.

I can't wait for the baby to grow up and watch that.

Yeah.

I didn't know Kim Cottrell was like doing Robert De Niro flicks.

Yeah, I know.

And happy beans.

Happy for her.

Tiffany's a martial arts instructor.

Oh, maybe that's why she looks so young.

Yeah, or maybe that's like why she's not 64.

Right, right.

Interesting.

I wonder where they met.

Maybe he was taking a martial arts class.

Yeah, there's not a lot of info about them as a couple, which is why I think people are really quaking about him having a baby.

And also having a baby and like spilling the beans.

He was like married for a really long time.

Yes.

To a woman named Claudia, correct?

Yes, or at one point he was in a relationship, but he was also married to a woman named Grace.

He met Tiffany when they were filming a movie together in 2015.

Oh, what?

She was like the special martial artist producer on set.

Yeah.

Cool.

Very cool.

So it's giving you like Nick Cannon energy.

Yeah, Elon Musk.

They should all get together.

They should get the kids together.

Literally.

And like start a football team.

Like rent out six flags.

Literally.

So that's really sweet.

Yeah, it's nice.

It's nice.

I'm happy to them.

Are you ready for our next story?

Is it the next story that's brought to you by Thrive Cosmetics?

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I'm so glad to be talking about Top Golf because as you you know, I don't know.

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Thank you, Claudia.

You're welcome.

I found the lyric.

That was bothering you.

You got a fast car.

We go cruising, entertain ourselves.

You still ain't got a job, and I work in the market as a checkout girl.

Oh, so Luke says I work in the market as a checkout girl.

I think so.

Sounding like that.

Yeah.

You know, I guess he does.

I literally never noticed it.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Oh, my God.

Jackie's not okay.

Jackie's not okay.

He's like actually more stark than I even thought.

No, actually, I think he changes it.

So you work in the market as a checkout girl.

I'm pretty sure Luke changed it.

You think?

Yeah.

I'm like pretty positive.

So, you work in the market as a checkout girl.

Love to listen.

Love to listen.

It's Luke's version is different.

Fast Car Luke's version.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it doesn't have that lyric, but go off.

Jackie's cackling.

I can imagine that it does.

Jackie's cackling.

She has tears in her eyes.

Like I am.

Are you ready for our next story?

Some lovely love news.

Yeah.

Sia is married to Dan Bernard.

So random.

The Australian pop superstar wed Dan Bernard in an

intimate ceremony at Villa Oliveta, the home of designers Stefano Dolce and Dominico Gabbana in Portofino, Italy on Monday.

I know, and it's so funny because Sia is like such a Kardashian girl.

Yeah.

And she got married at the same place as Courtney.

Yeah, but the Kardashians weren't there.

I mean, it was really small.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I don't think they're like that close.

No, they are that close.

Like, Sia wasn't at Courtney's wedding, was she?

Was she?

I don't think so.

You would know if you watched the thing.

So would I.

Yeah, I didn't watch the special.

Photos obtained by page six showed the bride wearing a light pink lace embroidered fishtail ground, which featured a high neckline and long sleeves.

Also, I feel like she's definitely super close with Kim and Chloe and Chris.

I don't know if she's as close with Courtney.

Courtney, that's true.

But like she's always around and she's always FaceTiming and sending love.

Yeah, no, and she's performing at every small intimate affair that they host.

Yeah, like North's birthday, I'll be there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love Sia.

We got some aerial photos of the nuptials.

Who's your man?

Dan Bernard.

Who's that?

Dan Bernard?

You say that like it's Cher.

Like, who's Dan Bernard?

Claudia, it's Dan Bernard.

Got it.

Okay.

No, nobody knew who he was before now.

And now we know that it is Dan Bernard.

It is.

Yeah.

Okay, because I had thought that it was someone else.

Much like Tiffany Chen, there's not a lot of information about Dan Bernard.

Well, you know, Sia lives a very low-key life, even though she does perform at you know the biannual Kardashian events.

She really does live like this very quiet, simple life.

Yeah, so now she's Mrs.

Bernard.

Sia Bernard.

Gorgeous.

It's got a nice ring to it.

Yeah.

I love her.

Like, I just love her.

Me too.

She's really a queen.

And when are we getting new Sia music?

There was a time period where it was like banger, banger, banger from Sia, you know, chandelier, electric, elastic heart.

That album was just like a gasoline.

I'm alive.

Alive.

Like, where is Sia?

I feel like she does, like, do songs, collabs and stuff.

Collabs.

Yeah, but she hasn't done like a whole album in a while.

She did give us Candy Cane Lane, so honestly, she doesn't really need to do anything after that.

I will genuinely, like, never not start laughing when I hear Candy Cane Lane.

I know, but you know, it's like become such a big holiday song.

Like, not even just for us.

I wasn't speaking about that, like, because it's a bad song.

I think it's like the best holiday song.

Take care of the song.

It's a song that we would like that no one would ever have heard of, but it's in every holiday movie.

Like she has licensed the fuck out of it.

And she's like, I just made this holiday song for you guys.

Like, please enjoy it.

There are a few modern holiday songs which have made it into the classics.

Kelly Clarkson's

Underneath the Tree.

Like that one made it.

The only one for Chris.

I misses you.

Yeah.

But

I laugh at Candy Cane Lane because it's actually Pierre O.

You guys.

We were on vacation in Utah and we were like staying at a house and we decided to go to a hotel for dinner.

So we got like this big big like van to come pick us up and we ate dinner and like the meal like wasn't great and like we had like drank but like it was like not the night like wasn't good.

The vibes were off.

The vibes were off.

The van was also really hot.

The van was wearing our sweaters because there's snow season.

Yeah.

So we get back in the van and for some reason Shapiro like sat in the back, which he just shouldn't have because he like gets overheated.

And I sat in the front on the aux.

Yeah, of course.

And Shapiro's like in the back of the van like wanting to kill us.

Like maybe he's just like been on vacation with us for too long and he's like done with us.

And he was like so hot.

And the air conditioning was like in his defense, like not reaching him in the back.

And he does not, you know, he does not deal with overheating well.

I mean, who does?

And we're like in the front of the van, like we don't, he's like screaming for the air.

He's like, please put the air on.

And we're not listening because the ox is take a trip down candy cane lane with me.

And he's like screaming and we can't hear him.

And he just gets so mad.

And he will not listen to Candy Cane Lane anymore.

Like it's a triggering song for him back to that moment where he was kind of like voiceless.

He was silenced.

Yeah.

But it's so funny.

And the song is so good.

So good.

Take a trip down candy cane lane with me.

So good.

Are you ready for our next story?

Yeah.

Something that I think you might find interesting.

Because Luann De Lesseps has set her sights on Kevin Costner amid his divorce.

Me when I'm delusional.

So

Luann was at the premiere of book club The Next Chapter.

Of course she was.

Monday evening.

I just want to say, I was going to text my book club that we should go see that movie.

I didn't see the first one, though.

Yeah, you should see the first one, though.

I just thought it would be like a fun outing for the book club.

Yeah, that would be.

Right?

And she was asked about her dating life, and she said, Kevin Costner, he's so elegant.

He's my type.

At the Oscars, didn't you think he was amazing?

His speech, he was so elegant, so eloquent, so manly.

I'm sorry.

Like, there is nothing this woman could do to make me dislike her.

Like, Luanda Sebs is low-key, the funniest bitch on the planet.

Like, I know she wasn't even trying to be funny here, but, like, it's hysterical.

And you know what?

I ship.

Crazier things have happened.

I ship wholeheartedly.

I mean, lest we not forget, this woman is like formally a royal like aristocrat.

Like she has a pedigree.

Kevin Costner could do a lot worse.

No, 100%.

She's a gorgeous woman.

I feel like it's not out of the realm of possibility.

No, it's like not.

And

I am like, she has my full support.

Not only does she have my support.

Like she has my.

Maybe we need to like book them on the toast like back to back.

They'll meet right here.

Love.

And they could take it from there.

She's so.

Honestly, like Andy should have them on Watch Ride Apple 5 together.

Like everyone needs to do their part.

That's actually a good idea.

Like that's how they meet.

Yeah.

Everyone needs to do their part to get Luann.

What's your name?

Luanne Costner.

Luanne de la Costner.

Because I was going to say Luann Costner doesn't like roll off the tongue, but like she would literally go from being like a British royal to being an American royalty, like being the girlfriend, wife of Yellowstone, John Dutton.

Like that, that seems like how her story ends.

Honestly, like I could see it.

I could see it too.

No, that's why I was drawn to the story.

I'm obsessed.

Things that make sense.

Yeah.

And they kind of look alike.

You know, when people are meant to be, like, they do sort of look alike.

Yeah.

They do.

Yeah, they could start.

I mean, I seriously see it.

And then perhaps like she's the motivation he needs to get back to work at Yellowstone.

And then, of course, he's so grateful to her for, you know, her helping him see the light.

He writes a role for her where she's like a ranch hand or something who does cabaret on the side like the story pretty much writes itself it does I'm obsessed it's not far-fetched it's not so we'll keep you posted on that yeah on budding romance spotting sightings

our fifth and final story is

the crossover news that nobody asked for.

Okay.

I'm really excited to get your thoughts on this.

Okay.

The Jonas Brothers can give you directions as the new voices of the navigation app Waze.

The Jonas Brothers are giving Waze users the wings they need to fly and drive with their latest collab.

On Wednesday, Waze announced that Kevin, Nick, and Joe will be the next celebrity driving instructors through the new Drive with Jonas experience.

Available now, the brothers' voice instructions, some of which can be heard in the Instagram teaser, will leave fans entertained on their daily commutes through witty directions and tour life anecdotes.

The brothers said in a statement, growing up on the road, our tour bus became our home away from home, so we know the importance of getting places safely and on time.

Nothing like trying to make a connection for why they did this brand deal.

Like, we get the menu.

They paid you.

They paid you, and it's like fun and quirky.

We don't need like an anecdote from tour.

If users happen to find themselves in the Jonas Brothers home state of New Jersey, they'll also get some tailored tips: like exit right.

And if you happen to be on New Jersey Route 3, don't miss the TikTok diner in Clifton.

That really feels like a way to get lost.

But continue.

They also will be sharing memories.

Like, you've arrived.

Congrats.

As a reward, I will tell you about the most ridiculous show we have ever played.

Okay.

Let me just say.

Sorry with something positive.

No.

If I was a publicist, I would never recommend my client do this.

I feel like being the voice of a GPS is like a fast track to becoming the most hated person on the planet.

I fucking hate that bitch, Siri, who's like, first of all, she's always pausing my music.

I'm like, I could see the map.

I don't need you to tell me.

Like, she's always fucking me up.

I feel like I have a very contentious relationship with the GPS voice.

So I wouldn't want to be that voice because then people would just hate me.

Yeah, but you don't think that this is maybe a way to mend ties between GPS voice and driver and that maybe we could all get along?

Like, I think that the hope is that the person who gets in the car would listen to the GPS voice and the GPS voice only.

But most people have GPS and like podcasts, GPS and music.

And the GPS always just becomes like a nuisance.

But I guess it's cool if you're doing GPS and listening to the Jonas Brothers.

And it's like, okay, you have to be interrupted for your direction.

But it's a brethren.

Yeah.

That would be like us doing GPS voices while you listen to the toast.

Yeah.

I'm just saying, like, that is a good idea.

Yeah.

If they had multiple artists, so it's like you will be interrupted by the person that you are listening to.

I just, I don't think I would do it.

What if you were interrupted by Luke and he's like, hey, Turtle?

Honestly, like, there's a fox in the hen house doing that.

No, I don't know.

What if it was Taylor?

I still think I would find it annoying.

Like, there's just something about the GPS voice that no matter who it is, and I know it's pre-recorded.

It's like not even pre-recorded.

It's AI.

Like, I would find it annoying.

I would be like, shut up i think that if they could find a way to have like every artist in the system and when you're listening to that artist that person gets that's that's a good idea is a better idea

it's more seamless that's maybe this is the start of that like that's pretty like creative yeah but i don't know

i don't know either it's a little weird yeah it's not like the i like the thing that we needed that the next step for civilization was to get the jonas brothers doing navigation this is like a cute brand deal like let's not, let's, you know, call a spade a spade.

Do you use Waze?

Is that your navigation of choice?

No.

Me neither.

What do you use?

Apple Maps, I think.

Okay, like my inclination is like always like Apple Maps.

Ben is like so against Apple Maps.

Why?

If I ever, like, if we're going somewhere, he's like, how long does it say?

I'm like, 30 minutes.

He's like, what are you using?

He only uses Google.

I don't use Google Maps.

And then when I have, like, I find the place on Google on Safari and then they like want me to download Google Maps.

I'm like, no.

I actually really like Apple Maps.

I think it's fine.

And someone bought Waze and ruined it.

Who was that?

Google?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because Waze used to be the best.

And now Waze is the worst.

No, Waze is fine for me.

Everybody,

they are directing you towards traffic.

They're directing all the people to use the same streets.

Use the same small street that wasn't built for this amount of traffic.

It's tough because we're in the city and it's like the traffic in the city is like actually unpredictable.

Like no app is going to save us.

But I think if I were like out in, you know, the country, I would be comfortable using Waze.

I feel comfortable using Apple Maps in everyday life.

I like Apple Maps too.

And these days I use Tesla map in my car.

But you know, Apple has a way of like destroying everything.

You know, Apple, the Apple Weather app was always like beyond trash.

And then they bought Dark Sky, Ben's favorite website.

And now they shut down darksky.com and made their app like Dark Sky.

And it sucks.

It's like Airbnb and luxury retreats.

Right.

Like everyone's just like snatching up their competitors and making their money.

And ruining it.

Yeah, and making it worse.

Ruin.

I don't mind.

You want to snatch up and you want to capitalize?

Sure, sure.

But then they shut it down and they fold it into the bigger company, which is trash.

I agree.

Now it's like Airbnb Lux and it's just Airbnb.

It's just Airbnb.

Yeah, no, it's our life is so hard.

Nobody gets it.

Nobody does.

Like we make this life looking.

But at least the Jonas Brothers are going to get us on our way.

Sure.

Sure.

Sure.

So those are the past five.

Feel as though you need to know them.

Feel as though.

Also, you know, I feel like this week I'm just like kind of like talking out of my ass and like saying things that are not true.

Like, like yesterday when I said the Knicks lost and they're out, there's another game.

I'm happy about that.

You know, I'm glad that you said that they lost and they're out because I was sad and then I got to be happy.

Yeah, as opposed to the opposite, you know?

Yeah.

So I'm sorry.

I'm just like, I'm, I got to stop saying stuff.

Like.

But that's your job.

I know.

It's fine.

You know, it is what it is.

Yeah.

So we have Deer Toasters today.

The show is not even over yet, which is so exciting.

Deer Toasters is our weekly advice segment.

So every Wednesday we do a little

three submissions.

You can email us deartoas at gmail.com.

If you have written in and we haven't read your response yet, either it sucks or it's too long.

So feel free to write in again, but like a more abridged version, just need to know details.

And if we've given you advice, like we've read your submission on air the last couple of weeks or months, please feel free to write us in with an update as to what happened.

Today, we do have an update, which is very exciting.

I know.

I'm so happy for you.

Yeah.

For me.

Yeah, because you love the updates.

You don't?

I'm so invested.

No, I do, but I think you love them more.

I would say we love them equally.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Yeah, sure.

Sure.

I love them so much.

No, I do.

But you will get so excited about them.

Yeah, of course, because it's like, it's the fruits of our labor, you know?

Yeah.

It's our results coming to life.

Yeah, I just like to think that if I don't get an update, like everybody is living peacefully.

Right.

It's like you only write a Yelp review when things go badly.

Right.

So if I never get an update, it doesn't upset me because I'm like, amazing, problem solved.

Yeah, I guess.

Right.

I guess, and, you know, getting an update can lead to more problems, which I believe, I haven't spoiled it yet, but I believe we have like a kind of a sad update today.

Yeah, like I don't think it's a happy update.

We haven't had one yet.

A sad update.

Jesus.

Things were going so well today.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Well, Deer Toasters is brought to you by Squarespace.

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Today's episode is also brought to you by BetterHelp.

Thank you, BetterHelp, for sponsoring today's episode.

episode.

It's so easy to get caught up in what everyone else needs from you and not take a moment to think about what you you need from yourself.

I feel like sometimes I'm just like doing the most for everyone and never being like, what does Turdy want?

What does Turdy need?

What does Turdy need?

But when we spend all of our time giving, it can leave us feeling stretched, thin, and burned out.

Therapy can help give you the tools to find a more balance in your life so you can keep supporting others, but without leaving yourself behind.

If you've been thinking of starting therapy, why don't you give BetterHelp a try?

It's a really accessible platform.

It's all done entirely online.

It's designed to be really convenient, really flexible, and suited to your schedule.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist, and of course you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

It being done entirely online takes away a lot of those like awkward social elements of traditional therapy that I think block a lot of people from pursuing it.

If you don't like the first therapist you're matched with, which is totally common and totally normal, it's all done online.

So you just switch it up.

It's not awkward.

It's not weird.

It's actually so easy.

You can find more balance with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash toast today to get 10% off your first month.

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Super affordable.

It's really accessible.

And again, visit betterhelp.com/slash toast to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp.com/slash toast.

New tagline, better help.

What does turdy need?

That works for me.

All right, are you ready?

You're so giggly today.

I am.

Ready for deer toasters?

Yeah, I was saying I am giggly today, but I am also ready.

Do I know?

Oh, cool.

I asked two questions and you answered twice.

What's wrong with the hut?

Ready?

Yeah.

I am.

Okay.

Good to go?

I am.

Good.

So am I.

Hi, Jackson Claude.

I was helping my boyfriend of two and a half years clean out his car before trading it in.

I decided to tackle the glove box while he washed the outside.

Oh my gosh, are you okay?

I'm just lost in it.

Yeah.

Have you seen, you actually sent me that meme of what it looks like for a baby in the belly while the mother's laughing.

And it's like the whole

shaking.

But I think it's fine, right?

No, yeah.

Okay.

No, no, it's not.

It's tears.

Do you need a tissue?

No, no, I'm fine.

Oh, do I actually have tears?

No, it wasn't like a concerning video.

It was like really cute.

Yeah, it was cute.

But it's like, it's fine, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, there was nothing about it that was like, don't laugh.

Right, right.

Turtle Lou doesn't laugh.

But

I'd have to quit my job.

I actually wish I was wearing that Thrive Market Thrive Market Carnetics mascara today because this mascara that I wear is horrible.

Oh, but do you not have one here?

You should just get one.

No, I don't have one here.

That's why I had to buy horrible.

I also need like a new one.

Mine's a little like empty.

Okay, I'll place an order after this.

I want to give full attention.

Okay.

Start again.

Hi, Jackson Claude.

I was helping my boyfriend of two and a half years clean out his car before trading it in.

I decided to tackle the glove box while he washed the outside.

In between 12 years of service receipts, I found his vows from his previous marriage.

He was married for under a year.

She cheated.

He moved on.

Clean divorce.

No big deal.

This is her husband or her boyfriend?

Boyfriend.

Okay.

Two and a half years.

But still, the vows?

He claims he had no idea they were in there, which I totally believe, but still, it's not sitting right.

I love him to death, and we've even started looking at engagement rings.

Should I just move on from this myth?

Mishap, thanks in advance.

Yeah, like, I don't think you keep important, really sentimental things in your glove box.

Like, he probably shoved them in there after the wedding and really forgot about them.

Yeah.

I'm going to choose to believe him.

Like, yeah, it could be nefarious.

He gets in his car every day and like reads them and jerks off.

Yeah.

But I don't think he does that.

I,

I think that he's really didn't know they were in there.

I also think you find a lot of other crap in there.

Like, is that somewhere he throws his crap?

Yeah, she said literally service receipts.

Like, so that's how important it is to him, as important as a service receipt.

I'd also like to offer a rebuttal really quickly, like, if he had kept them for sentimental purposes.

Like, I don't know.

And a lot of people have like a box of like old photographs, love letters.

Like, I don't think that necessarily means anything.

It's like it's your history.

He was married.

I think keeping them in a box that you don't see every, that you barely see ever is fine too.

It is part of your personal history.

I think the fact that they were in his car, which he uses every day, it's like if he put them in there intentionally, it's because he wants them to close to him.

But like a glove box is really like a garbage.

Yeah, I don't think it means anything.

And I also don't think that he has to throw away his vows.

Me neither.

Like I think it's actually like...

I mean, he shouldn't hang them on the fridge.

No, but like to have a box of like things you accumulate in your life like from old boyfriends, like, yeah, it's like, it's weird for like the girlfriend to find it, but like everyone's entitled to like a little love box.

I completely agree.

I don't have one, but like if I did, it would be cute.

Yeah, but you don't have anything that Maverick gave you?

No, I actually do have a love box, but I think it's so lost.

Yeah, but that's the point.

It should get lost when you move or something, you find it, and it comes with you from place to place.

It's not like so important to me.

It's not something that sits pride of place on your mantle.

No, but like my love box, I've only had one boyfriend, so it's all from Ben.

Like it should sit on my mantle.

You know?

True.

I don't really have anything from Maverick or Mr.

Levine.

Unfortunately, you should put a cigarette in there and a piece of gum.

Literally.

We're being so funny today.

Ready?

Ready.

Hey, girlies.

First off, thanks for being my daily break where I can sit, enjoy, and laugh while I listen to your gorgeous voices.

Not faces, notice how she said.

She probably doesn't watch on YouTube.

Yeah.

Okay, here's my issue.

My husband is a great guy, a fantastic father, but a shitty husband.

We celebrated our five-year marriage anniversary last Saturday, and he was responsible for making reservations at a nice restaurant we've never been to, but he dropped the ball, didn't make the reservation, and they were fully booked.

We ended up having a nice time at our regular spot, and it was lovely, but boring.

I'm sick of his bullshit.

He's never excited about going out.

It's like a chore to him and makes me feel like I'm a chore to him, too.

We dated six years before we were married, and we never liked celebrating anniversaries, but I do, and I think he should act accordingly.

I want to be cherished just like I cherish him.

Now I'm annoyed and I can't get over it.

Am I overreacting?

Should I lower my standards since I knew he was like this before we were married?

Love a sad burnt piece of toast.

No, like I feel like, okay, maybe you're not in the habit of doing like big things for these milestones.

So you can't necessarily like blame him for not, you know, renting out Central Park for you.

But I feel like if you just vocalize it and be like, moving forward, like I want to be that type of couple.

I'm like, get on it.

It's your job.

Goodbye.

You can't be mad at him until he knows.

Yes, but I also feel like anniversaries are important to you.

They're not important to him and they never were.

So he shouldn't be in charge of planning anniversaries.

You're kind of setting yourself up for disappointment because he might not even like have the imagination to think of something that would be really special for you for your anniversary.

Like he thinks, oh, dinner at our place that we like for dinner.

Like, and I know that we really lower the bar for men sometimes here on the show.

And like.

But I feel like sometimes when you set it too high, you're just going to be disappointed.

So like maybe keep it low.

And that way you don't experience like this disappointment.

You would have made the reservation at at a restaurant that you really liked and you guys would have had a nice time.

And like, yeah, it's annoying that you have to do everything, but delegate something else.

I don't think that you should delegate this, but I do understand wanting to feel special and things.

On your anniversary.

But maybe there are other strengths of his where he could shine in this department.

You know what I mean?

Like maybe he's a good masseuse and I do.

I should give you a massage.

I think you're being really realistic, but like I refuse to.

believe that like even husbands can't plan anniversary dinners.

Like I'm not lowering the bar that low for her to be able to do it.

No, I think that he could plan plan an anniversary dinner.

And yeah, they wound up at their local spot.

He thinks that that's nice enough.

I think if you sit him down, say, listen, I know we haven't been like very sentimental in the past, but like, I've started to realize we're getting older.

We have kids.

Like, we should take these nights off for ourselves.

And I would like for you to plan them.

Say it in a really nice way.

And if he doesn't do it after that, be like, okay, you're fucking useless.

I'll do it.

He plans it.

And it's just not special enough.

That's what I'm saying.

I don't know if he's capable of imagining the specialness that you are imagining.

So maybe you could even say like, well, you could drop hints.

Or you could be like,

when it's our anniversary or it's a special day, like I would like to receive flowers.

Yeah.

You know, urbanstems.com slash toast girls picked out some really gorgeous designs.

Yep.

But I'm being, I'm serious.

Or it's like, or I want a little gift or I want a gift card to, I think you need to be really specific.

Otherwise, he can't imagine what you're imagining and you're just going to be like disappointed.

And it sounds like he's otherwise a really great guy.

So let's work with what we've got let's work with yeah no jackie's being like hella realistic it's just like so pathetic yeah these men like my god no and you make the reservation at the restaurant of your dreams and he's paying right right that's actually a really good point you know yeah yeah yeah yeah so A little compromise.

A little balance.

A little balance.

And marriage is a compromise, you know, lest we not forget.

Yeah.

All right, our third and final submission is actually an update.

So I'm going to read you guys the original submission from this girly

and then we'll hear her update.

So her original submission was, I'm in need of some help.

I recently got engaged to a total PJOM.

However, I don't love my engagement ring.

It's white gold and I'm really just like a gold girly through and through.

I have no idea why he picked something other than gold since it's all I wear in jewelry.

Like, I don't think I own a silver piece at all.

I'm contemplating getting it gold plated because this white gold just isn't me.

It actually bugs me that he did this because he hasn't been paying attention or he hasn't been picked up on the fact that I'm gold jewelryware and we've been together for seven years.

What do I do?

Am I being a bitch?

Am I justified for wanting to make this ring perfect?

I love the cut and everything else.

It's just strictly the color.

And what we told her was, like, you know, to expect your man to notice that you wear gold or silver jewelry is like a little delusional.

You want to get just like if everything, if the diamond itself is good and the, you just don't like the band or the plating, in terms of cost, it's a much lower cost than like, oh, I didn't like the cut or the carrot of the diamond.

We were just like, change it.

Like, and you don't need to be like bitter about it.

Like, yeah, and I also don't think it doesn't, it doesn't mean that he doesn't pay attention to you.

I think when most men walk into a jewelry store, like the typical engagement ring is silver.

Yeah.

And so he

went with, you know, what traditional, not like, oh, she likes gold.

Men are blind.

Like, they have no idea.

They don't even know these are two different colors.

Like, no, 100%.

It's not offensive, but if you don't want to wear it every day, take matters into your own hands.

But nothing to write home about.

So here's her update.

Hi again, girlies.

This is an update I've been dreading to submit.

I was a girl who got engaged last Christmas and was not in love with her engagement ring, specifically the color of the band.

Well, I'm crying as I type this, but I've chosen to call off my engagement.

Not because of this situation.

I never even brought it up.

But because I found out my fiancé was hurting, hiding certain things and lying to my face.

We cannot be engaged since he is not ready for marriage if he is continuing to lie to his fiancé over and over.

So now I'm so heartbroken.

We still live together, but I've been staying at my family or friend's house.

But this is the worst thing I've ever had to go through.

My life flipped upside down and I don't know how to move on since we were together for seven years.

Any advice helps?

You know what?

This is like the most annoying like grandma thing to say.

While this is like, I'm sure, immensely painful right now, think about how much worse it could have been if you had actually married this person and realized like that he was lying or that it wasn't a match and you had to undo like a marriage and a divorce.

Maybe even you had kids at this point.

Like the fact that you got out when you did and you guys realized you weren't right for each other like is such a blessing.

So true.

And I would just be grateful for that.

Like think about how much worse the situation could be if this happened one year later.

Like maybe you were pregnant.

Maybe you were all like you guys got married and things got worse.

Like just be grateful.

Like you go through heartbreak.

It's a healing journey.

Everybody goes through it.

And then you go out into the world and you meet someone even better who would never lie to you.

You know what?

That I feel, I feel good about the fact that you didn't get married.

And I I think it's like better to call off an engagement than to get divorced.

Agreed.

And that's great advice.

Honestly, I don't have anything to add on top of that.

You hit the nail on the head.

And I'm sorry you're sad.

If I could recommend some podcasts, you know, The Toast, good guys, probably a podcast.

Mood, get some giggles, you know?

Yeah.

And just hold up.

Like, it's okay.

You don't feel like you have to get back out there right now.

Yeah.

Like a seven-year relationship is fucking long.

Take your time.

This too shall pass.

It will all one day like be in the rear view.

And you'll be like thinking, you'll be in a better situation and so happy thinking about how you dodged a bullet and just think about that girl yes and there's no expectation that you need to be her right now but just know that that's all waiting for you this is one of those situations where like you go through it and it's so horrible but like you're gonna be like 90 years old looking back on your life and being like imagine if i had gotten married or imagine if this situation had worked out differently so you know what God works in mysterious ways, but like you're struggling right now, but this is probably the best thing to ever happen to you.

Did you get to keep the ring?

Good question.

She didn't even like it.

Yeah.

Give it back.

Again, dear toasters at gmail.com is the email that you can submit either your submissions or an update if you have one for us.

Thank you to everyone who is vulnerable with us.

And this is a safe space for toasters.

And

that's really all she wrote.

That's that.

On that, Turdy Lou has to head to Dallas.

Yes, that's what Turdy Lou needs.

Thank you guys so much for listening to The Toast, the Millennial Morning Show.

Tomorrow's episode is podcast only, so make sure you're subscribed wherever you get your podcast.

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