Threevisiting: Hi I'm A Creepypasta

Speaker 1 Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and look at us now. Like, we're all grown up.

Speaker 1 We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye, but for the most part, it's about you.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's always been about you.

Speaker 1 From Lemonada Media, a live with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Speaker 2 I don't

Speaker 2 notice that I was hooting like a little owl. Like an owl.
I actually did hear

Speaker 2 an owlet? An owlet, yeah. I was actually just gonna.
Can you plug a plug into?

Speaker 3 Because you made a turkey noise.

Speaker 2 Is that what Medea plugs into? What are the owlet? Her things into it. It's where I'm from.

Speaker 3 Frannie, my dog, had some issues last week.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 3 And I had to give her a bland diet.

Speaker 3 And I was making...

Speaker 2 You were going to say, I had to give her a hunch.

Speaker 2 She loves Indian food.

Speaker 3 She loves it, but I had to calm it down. No spice.

Speaker 2 You had to mild spice.

Speaker 2 But I just wanted chili pepper.

Speaker 3 I had to make her some like boiled chicken and some like

Speaker 3 and some like

Speaker 3 ground turkey was an option.

Speaker 3 So I did that and I'm telling you the ground turkey when I open up that Pyrex, it couldn't smell more like a fart if it tried.

Speaker 2 It is the grossest ground turkey in general smells like a fart

Speaker 3 that particularly I don't know because I've never made ground turkey. I don't so I don't you've never ground your own turkey?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I haven't. You don't even have a grinder in your house?

Speaker 2 You're not even on grinder? No. You're not sluicing a bunch of birds? Yeah, no.

Speaker 3 But anyway, it smells so fucking gross.

Speaker 2 But I think. Thanks for that update.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I wanted to say because I just had to share that.

Speaker 2 I have an update as well. Okay.

Speaker 2 I can't whistle anymore. Anymore.

Speaker 3 What do you mean by such?

Speaker 2 Here, tremendous.

Speaker 2 Here, just do here. Just do this.
Just do this.

Speaker 2 I was called upon to whistle in a voice recording.

Speaker 2 And when I went to do it, I could not make the sound of whistling. Don't you get whistle-shy?

Speaker 3 This is like my bird trauma.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. That's the best I've got.
But that's not good. I used to be able to do that.
That's not good. I used to be able to do it.
You used to be able to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 What do you think's changed?

Speaker 2 Do you need more wetness in your mouth? Oh,

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know what it is.
My mouth does not feel dry.

Speaker 2 Well, let me put something in there to wait.

Speaker 2 That's how you treat my update.

Speaker 3 That's so foul.

Speaker 2 I come to you with an update about music I can make with my mouth, just like Bismarck.

Speaker 3 I was whistling the Brady Bunch theme for Holly, and she was loving it.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah,

Speaker 2 she really liked that.

Speaker 2 Did she know? Like, did it make her laugh?

Speaker 2 What was her response?

Speaker 3 She was just so excited. Then she was trying to whistle too.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's precious.

Speaker 2 We're like, God.

Speaker 2 Wait, Paul, can you hawk a look and get like really wet in there?

Speaker 2 That's serious. Disgusting.
Just be like,

Speaker 2 and then go,

Speaker 2 wait, I can't do it.

Speaker 2 Because I have too much spit in my mouth.

Speaker 2 Every once in a while, I'll get into a great groove in the shower where I like, my whistling is really loud.

Speaker 2 You whistle in the shower? Yeah, sometimes.

Speaker 2 It occurred to me to do such a thing. After I saw West Hide's story, for some reason, I think I was whistling cool like for half an hour.
It just sounded like it sounded so good.

Speaker 2 That's a long time to whistle. Also, that's a long shower.
I was like, this is professional grade. Well, no, I took it longer because I was like, this whistling is too good.

Speaker 2 You stayed in the shower because you were enjoying your whistling song. I was enjoying it.

Speaker 3 Sometimes when the acoustics are just

Speaker 2 look, this was after the big rainfall. Oh, sure.

Speaker 2 And my shower was collected from the rain.

Speaker 3 And you had buckets all at your feet to collect to water your plants.

Speaker 2 You made in a rain barrel. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I have to issue a correction or update.

Speaker 2 update.

Speaker 3 Oh, great. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I was informed by a very kind listener. And let me tell you, just so if you're a listener, you can be kind when you speak to us online.
Sure. And many of you are.

Speaker 3 Every once in a while, someone

Speaker 2 pigs are wonderful. Yeah.
I love our pigs.

Speaker 3 Beautiful little guys out there.

Speaker 3 Someone told me that the food Instagram that I plugged in the last episode is one that I follow to learn about what I should do for you.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, they're racist.

Speaker 2 They're anti-vax. And they're

Speaker 2 there's a history. I think which vaxes.

Speaker 3 Oh, I think it's just mumps.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. So that's okay.
Yes.

Speaker 3 Kind of up to you.

Speaker 3 But no, I

Speaker 3 they said that I probably wouldn't align with the values of this person. And in truth, I don't.
They also suggested a different food thing to follow.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to plug that one because I don't even know

Speaker 3 if that's a good one. Exactly.

Speaker 2 You have to vet these indeed. Yes.
Do some opposite.

Speaker 3 So, you know, all I was really getting out of that account was like, you know, don't buy Doritos. Buy these chips if you want to have a healthy day or whatever, you know, whatever.

Speaker 2 Go ahead, plug it.

Speaker 3 No, I'm not going to do that again.

Speaker 2 I've made the mistake point. I mean, you plug Doritos.
Well, I love this stuff. Doritos

Speaker 2 has flawless politics.

Speaker 3 Look, and we're going to get into it. The M ⁇ Ms.

Speaker 2 The M ⁇ Ms, they're obviously back.

Speaker 2 Look, look, look.

Speaker 2 Lauren, are you embarrassed?

Speaker 3 I'm actually not because.

Speaker 2 Good. No regret.

Speaker 3 I don't, no, no regrets. No No, M and M regret.
I don't really, I don't care. And I did fall for their little trick.

Speaker 3 And we talked about this, Paul. We were both on TV, I say, with Ashley Ray, a fun TV podcast.
We were talking about all the Super Bowl commercials.

Speaker 2 If you want to hear that, you should check it out. Yeah.
All 300. Every single one.
I honestly think we talked about it. We talked about the gutfeld one twice.
75% of it. There were three gut felts.

Speaker 2 There were three? Well, three spots that I saw, I think. I only saw two.
I only saw one and I thought. Maybe there was only two.
I don't know. But I saw

Speaker 2 one that was longer.

Speaker 2 Oh, you saw an extended cut on the gut fell down? There was such a funny line in it about cultural appropriation. Oh, no, I've seen that one.

Speaker 3 The one about the night.

Speaker 2 That was the long one. Maybe.
I don't know. There was a short one.
There was definitely a short one where they're like, and Gutfeld, or what's his name, Gutfeld? Brett Gutfeld. Commercial go.

Speaker 2 And he goes, Hi, I'm Greg. And then they cut it.
And there was none of the other stuff.

Speaker 3 I was so confused that that wasn't a local commercial. I thought that was local, so I didn't like everyone at your

Speaker 2 seen that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 But, anyways, the MMs are back.

Speaker 2 Please, cultural appropriation.

Speaker 2 Are you vying for a role in the next one? Please, Gutfeld. Gutfeld, I worked with you once.
You did?

Speaker 2 I was on

Speaker 2 that terrible show. He did Red Eye.

Speaker 2 Oh, he did Red Eye as well?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because he take over from the original. No, he was Levy or he was the original.
No,

Speaker 2 I think Andy Levy was the writer. I'm not sure.
But Greg Guttfeld was the host.

Speaker 2 And strangely enough, I was booked on with Gavin McInnes.

Speaker 3 Creator of E-Rowed Politics Aligning.

Speaker 2 There is a fun

Speaker 2 clip out there of me on

Speaker 2 the show with these two. Enjoy it.
Oh, boy. Well, how did it feel to be the least funny person in the room?

Speaker 2 It was so funny because I think my PR person just like sold it to me, like, hey, there's this show that we book a lot of comedians on. It's on Fox.
Is that okay? I was like, yeah, I don't care.

Speaker 2 Like, thinking it was Fox Fox or whatever. This is how disgusting comedians are because they really will.
It's like anything. It doesn't matter what it is.
Please get me on TV.

Speaker 2 My quest for fame, the hole in my soul will be filled.

Speaker 3 Yes. Well, speaking of that,

Speaker 3 I can't say what it is yet, but I will be on a game show again.

Speaker 2 Oh, and I'm very excited. Wait, you were on the pyramid? I like that.
You're on the recording here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Huh? You were on the pyramid?

Speaker 3 No, I mean, it's literally going to happen.

Speaker 3 My pyramid never aired. I don't know.
Maybe it's going to, I don't know when they air them or what's happening, but I don't think it ever aired.

Speaker 2 If they don't air, the winners don't get the money. That can't be true.
That's true. Is that really true?

Speaker 2 Well, because I was winning so hard for my people.

Speaker 3 I mean, they really better get the money.

Speaker 2 That's a clause in it. And I remember a friend of mine

Speaker 2 won a game show and he won like $250,000 or something like that. And he was just praying it got on the air and that they didn't cancel the game show.
It was one of those nighttime game shows. Crazy.

Speaker 2 He was like, God, because they don't get paid unless it actually is.

Speaker 3 So do you think they have a plan, just game shows in general, to not air a batch of them?

Speaker 2 I think if a show gets canceled, that's their protection in order to like save money, essentially. Like, well, if we got canceled, we're not going to pay out every single one.

Speaker 3 Oh, but I don't know if it's canceled.

Speaker 2 It's kind of funny that it's like, well, I won. I was like, fuck you.
Nobody saw it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, I actually find that.

Speaker 3 astounding.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was something I never knew about until, like I said, my friend won. And then he was just like, yeah, you don't get paid unless it airs.
Did it air?

Speaker 2 It finally aired, and he was like, Oh, thank god. But it was like one of these, I think it was one of these game shows that was like during the millionaire craze.

Speaker 2 Yeah, who wants to be a millionaire was doing so well, like a bunch of competitors popped up, and it was one of these things where it was like, Oh my god, if it may get canceled, it might not.

Speaker 2 I don't remember the other shows of that era. I tried out for one, like some quiz shows, yeah, I tried out for one, but I don't remember what it was called.
It was on Fox, but I don't remember.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Um, and I took down and took the quiz and all that kind of stuff. Red Eye Jackpot, yeah, right-eye jackpot.
Guttfeld's big punch.

Speaker 2 Look, Guttfeld, we love you. You're really funny.
Guttfeld, we love you.

Speaker 2 Have you ever watched that show? No.

Speaker 2 It's astonishing because the audience, he has an audience in studio.

Speaker 2 They're not laughing.

Speaker 2 Every joke just like... dies.
Guttfeld. We're not better than you, though, Guttfeld.
We're not better than you. No, we are.

Speaker 3 I don't even know what

Speaker 2 I have said.

Speaker 3 I said it on the brother podcast. I'm saying it here.
I don't know what that show is. And I thought the commercial was local.
And I'm just learning. And I'm so, and Guttfeld, I'm learning about you.

Speaker 2 Guttfeld.

Speaker 2 And I'm

Speaker 3 and I'm going to learn everything I can learn about you online and get to know you, you know, just parasocially.

Speaker 2 Okay, here's, do you think this is funny? This joke? I'm going to tell you. Okay.
My pronouns are go fuck slash yourself.

Speaker 2 You like that.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 3 everything's so woke.

Speaker 2 Everything's woke. Roseanne's coming back.
Thank God. And she announced it by saying, my pronouns are kiss my ass.

Speaker 2 Pretty good. Pretty good.
Pretty good. Oh, wait, I've heard that.
You can say kiss. 10 million times.

Speaker 3 You can say, kiss my ass said they wanted to, kiss my ass said, kiss my ass, wanted to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 How? Well, it's kiss slash my ass.

Speaker 3 So kiss said my

Speaker 2 said, I don't know. I'm already lost.
So the my ass is the possessive or

Speaker 2 the idea that anyone now would do one of those jokes because it is astonishing but but because there's a there's a community of people out there who are they'll love it every time bad every time

Speaker 2 it is good it really is true though it's like you can make the same joke like endless variations on the same joke and they will love it yeah the scott ackerman story

Speaker 2 it's your memoir

Speaker 2 guttfeld we love you guttfeld we love you and i'm i committed to learning all about you and i still will try yeah

Speaker 2 Gutfeld, you're the best. But that said, if Guttfeld were to call us tomorrow, we're on a plane.
Absolutely. We're on this show.
We have to pay respect.

Speaker 3 It's in New York.

Speaker 2 We stand on the shoulders of Gutfeld. I believe it's in New York.
At least his last show was. Yeah.
It's got that name. And it's filmed underground.
That's what it feels like. Yeah.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 like miles underground.

Speaker 2 In a missile silo.

Speaker 3 You have to climb down many, many layers of a ladder.

Speaker 2 No elevator. We filmed.
We shot, No, You Shut Up underground. Oh, that's right.
Oh, I was there. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. That was fun.
fun. That was fun.
It was fun. It was fun.
Right by the airport.

Speaker 2 There was what a great area.

Speaker 2 I went to

Speaker 2 flight

Speaker 2 somewhere after work.

Speaker 3 You should have. That would have been amazing.
You should have every day.

Speaker 2 Every single day. You fly to Burbank.
Yeah, you float Burbank to LA. You float to Burbank.

Speaker 3 You float to Burbank. You float to Burbank.
It'll only be a couple hundred dollars. It's cheaper than gas.

Speaker 2 You float to Burbank. Float of Burbank.

Speaker 2 Guys, what's going on with the planes these days?

Speaker 3 There's so many and and they're going up and down.

Speaker 2 They're going up and they're going down. Some are like going in a straight line.
Yeah, I heard. Some are completely full.
Some are not. Yeah.
It's crazy. Like, I'm not for

Speaker 2 the plane stuff. What's going on? They're going up or they're going down.
Hey, booty judge.

Speaker 2 I got a question for you.

Speaker 3 Booty judge.

Speaker 2 Booty judge. That, that, that.
Booty judge.

Speaker 3 Haunt.

Speaker 2 When's the last plane ride that you took? You took one recently, didn't you? Where did I go? Didn't you go to Chicago? I did.

Speaker 2 What did I go anywhere sooner?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I went home for Christmas. That's what it was.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How was it being up there in the friendly sky?

Speaker 3 Well, you know, all I saw was I saw white puffy clouds and I saw blue, blue, blue air.

Speaker 2 Blue air. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Air.

Speaker 2 It was beautiful. It was beautiful.

Speaker 3 It was beautiful.

Speaker 3 I have a couple trips coming up that I'm excited about.

Speaker 2 Some actual girls' trips. Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 In March and April, you know, assuming schedules all work out and everything.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Magic Mike.

Speaker 2 A couple places. Show in Vegas.
I got to see Magic. How many girls?

Speaker 3 I got to see them dick swinging.

Speaker 3 One will just be me and Arden. And then another one is a birthday trip for my friend where I think there's, I don't know how many have committed to the trip, but there were like seven people invited.

Speaker 2 And this is a out-of-town trip. Yes.
Wow. Janie has a yearly girls trip, which I think is very nice.

Speaker 3 Well, I heard about it on your podcast. And by the way, I also heard the shout out that I'm one of your listeners.
And I was like standing there going, indeed, indeed, I am.

Speaker 3 I thought her trips idea sounded so nice. They go to Palm Springs every year.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Speaker 3 And it just seemed like so, so nice to have that tradition.

Speaker 2 I felt that way about, because a bunch of us went out of town for Rob Hubel's bachelor party a while ago before he got married, obviously.

Speaker 2 And it was so fun. And there were like 30 of us in Ojai.

Speaker 2 And just like swimming in the pool and throwing balls at each other. Like a big house or whatever.
Big house, yeah. Throwing balls at each other.

Speaker 2 Like football, you know, like trying to catch a ball while jumping in the pool. Oh,

Speaker 2 sure, sure, sure. You know, and there was a everybody, everybody's like, watch me, watch me, watch me.

Speaker 2 Everyone's catching the testicles. Daddy, watch me.

Speaker 2 You're throwing pennies in for each other. Testicles.
Yeah. Testicles.

Speaker 2 But I was like,

Speaker 2 it sucks that you have to wait for a friend to get married and you can only do that. Like, we should have a marriage.

Speaker 3 You don't have to do that.

Speaker 2 Why don't you just say that? We should have like a men's retreat every year or something like that? I don't know. Yeah.
Yeah. Not but not call it that.
Yeah, not with the same people. Not Rob.

Speaker 2 No, he's the only one. No,

Speaker 2 I call it that because that's the that's what my church called it

Speaker 2 growing up. The men's retreat.
Oh, the idea of a bunch of like Christian

Speaker 2 getting together like

Speaker 2 let's really talk about our faith, guys.

Speaker 2 Sometimes I'm tempted outside of my marriage.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you do about that? I looked at a woman's leg.

Speaker 2 I was thinking about where I went to summer camp every year at Forest Home in Redwoods, California. Sounds like a cemetery.

Speaker 2 No, not in. Please me.
Bless you, little

Speaker 2 thank you. Thank you.
A little sneezy over there.

Speaker 3 Just one. Just had to let one out.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay, okay.
But

Speaker 2 there were cabins everywhere, except for when you were, God, what ages was it?

Speaker 2 Oh, it was first through fifth grade or sixth grade.

Speaker 2 You slept out in the ground.

Speaker 2 No, in teepees in what they called Indian village oh and the place is still around i wonder if you can still do that or is it like guttfeld said cultural appropriation well i don't think it should be called

Speaker 2 teepees in the indian what did you call it it was called indian village you can still call things teepees okay but i mean

Speaker 3 what i'm saying if they have

Speaker 2 but if they have teepees and nobody involved is an indigenous person doesn't that seem appropriate like that is appropriation yes okay like dressing up as a knight in chainmail i'm saying that's my culture i'm saying do they care

Speaker 3 Who? Indigenous people?

Speaker 2 No, no, the Christian summer camp. Oh, no.
Christian summer. Oh, I'm sure they don't.

Speaker 3 No, they don't. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 When I was a kid, Canadian camps are very Native American themed all the time. That is true.

Speaker 3 When I was little,

Speaker 2 we made like Native American art and stuff while we were there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 When I was little, we went to the YMCA had a program called Indian Guides and Indian Princesses. Yes.

Speaker 3 And it'd be dads and daughters, dads and sons is Indian guides and dads and daughters was Indian princesses.

Speaker 3 And I mean, you know, of course, appropriation aside, really nice bonding with fathers and daughters. It was very sweet.

Speaker 3 We would go, so it'd be like all these dads and all these daughters, and you go to, you go camping, or you go to like a, like, there was one time where we went to like a, we all stayed at a castle and there were all these bunk beds and it was weird.

Speaker 2 And then like there was like a princess who had bunk beds and like colored things.

Speaker 3 Who even knows? Who even knows? But they were just weird locations. There'd be little events.

Speaker 2 Welcome to my coffee.

Speaker 3 And it was really fun and it was very sweet. And when I think back to that, I'm like, I'm very touched that like my dad did that with both of us.
It is sweet.

Speaker 2 It is sweet. It is sweet.
I think he loved you.

Speaker 2 I think he loved you. So what am I so albredo?

Speaker 2 I'm just a little princess.

Speaker 2 And you're an Indian guide.

Speaker 2 So he was the guide.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Wouldn't that be both times? Would it be called, because like the

Speaker 3 dads and sons is called Indian guides.

Speaker 2 That's just Indian guides.

Speaker 3 Yeah. The dads and daughters are called Indian princes.

Speaker 2 I feel like this kid is a guide or a princess. I guess.
And the dad is just there.

Speaker 2 But I feel like this was also, Indian guides was also a thing at my church growing up as well. Well, is the YMCA religious or no? I don't know.

Speaker 3 Mine also.

Speaker 2 Well, let's just see. Y, youth.

Speaker 2 M. M, men.

Speaker 2 C. C, cooperation.
A. I know you're going to say something worse.
Amen. Amen.
Oh, oh, amen. It is religious.
Yes. Young, men, cooperation.
Amen. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The summer camp I went to was called St. John Newman, but I don't remember there being any religious aspect to it.
Like, I don't think we, I don't think there was any church service.

Speaker 2 I don't think there was like grace before meals or anything.

Speaker 2 It was just the name.

Speaker 3 Yeah, there was nothing religious with

Speaker 3 the activities, but I'm just wondering if the whole place was religious or not.

Speaker 2 But what was that? What was that fascination with why so many religious places had like, oh, let's make it Indian themed. I don't know.
I don't know. Like, we made them pictures or things.

Speaker 2 I think that was like a camping thing. Yeah.
Yeah. They were like romanticizing the outdoors.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They could have made it like pioneers, but they were like, let's make it Indians because it's mystical. Yes.

Speaker 2 Good times.

Speaker 2 It was a way to honor them. It was a way to honor the Native Americans.
Oh, that's definitely like Blackface was honoring black people. I had somebody try to make that argument to me three years ago.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 2 It's a tribute. It was a tribute to black people.
That's psychotic. Well, I mean, yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't go and don't look like, Tommy. I mean, to be fair, no.

Speaker 2 I guess I could see.

Speaker 3 Why don't we talk about something dumber?

Speaker 2 Oh, here's something dumb.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you've done it. I thought you had something.

Speaker 3 No, I just meant like, you know, rather than, you know, debating appropriation.

Speaker 2 I have a new bag. We're not debating it.
I think we're just discussing it. I don't think anyone's for.
No, we're not. But what is your bag?

Speaker 2 I have this new messenger bag because I finally had to admit after having the

Speaker 2 do you remember my old bag? That was a leather bag? Let's talk about that one. I didn't memorize your bag.
No, of course you didn't memorize it. It was brown.

Speaker 2 I could see if you saw it every week for a year. I could

Speaker 2 see familiar.

Speaker 2 Yes are up here. I had a flap that went down.

Speaker 3 I recall you opening the flap for sure. And it was brown leather.

Speaker 2 And I had that bag for, I want to say,

Speaker 2 10, 15 years. And what happened? I finally had to admit, I hate that bag.
Wow. Yes, finally.
Oh, good for you. But I liked the way it worked.
Did you tell it so much?

Speaker 2 I didn't have the heart to tell it. But honestly, you went alone.
Did it just throw myself into trash? I ended it in the dark and then

Speaker 2 that's impressive.

Speaker 3 You did it for so, you used it for so long.

Speaker 2 I wanted to work. You like the work so bad.
You didn't like the bag. I loved the way it looked.
I did it. Well, let's look at this bag.

Speaker 3 This is a canvas messenger/slash.

Speaker 2 It's much smaller. What do you call it? It's not messenger.

Speaker 3 It's your bag. But it's an

Speaker 3 vertical rectangle, so it's not.

Speaker 2 I guess you could call it a merce. I don't know.

Speaker 3 Is it, do you keep your merkin in there?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have several. I keep one in my glove box.

Speaker 3 I have a red merkin

Speaker 2 for St. Patrick's Day.
I thought they said Merket.

Speaker 3 Merkin.

Speaker 2 So let's look at this. Where did you find this?

Speaker 3 Etsy?

Speaker 2 I found it on Amazon.com. Wow.
Okay. Yeah.
Amazing. I went looking with specific specific specifications.
Can you stand it up, please?

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 3 I want to look at it.

Speaker 2 Here it goes. That's a good Amazon bag.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's a good bag. I mean, it's

Speaker 2 waxed cotton. Another $20 in Jeff Bezos' pocket.
Do you think he still gets money? Yeah. When people buy shit on Amazon, every day.

Speaker 3 Why wouldn't he?

Speaker 2 His bank is full. I feel like he's not part of the company anymore.
Is that not true? I think he ate it. I haven't heard that.
I don't want to go on record. But I think he ate.
What's going to happen?

Speaker 2 I'll go on deep background. You're going to go to court.

Speaker 2 Say it to his face. I thought you weren't allowed there anymore.
But let me look it up.

Speaker 2 It's a good bag, Paul. Congratulations on your new purchase.
I hope it makes you feel good. But do you know that feeling of like, I want this thing to work? So it happens with clothes all the time.

Speaker 3 Yes. Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I'm getting you hold on to a thing. You're like, oh, it looks so good, but not on me.
There's stuff in this very room that I'm like, oh my God. Yeah.
Can we? But see, no,

Speaker 3 when you let yourself

Speaker 3 get rid of every single, you just go, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 And I mean, I threw away something yesterday that I was like, oh, thank God I finally did it. Oh, my God.
What was it? I looked at it. I don't want to say it.

Speaker 3 Wait, can I say something?

Speaker 2 So I was.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you?

Speaker 2 She said she wanted to say something. I was starting to Google, is Jeff Bezos still connected to Amazon? The first

Speaker 2 three things that come up when you type in is Jeff. Is Jeff the killer real?

Speaker 2 I don't know who Jeff the Killer is. Who's Jeff Jeff the Killer?

Speaker 2 Pray, he's not real. Oh my God.
Is Jeff Probst married?

Speaker 2 And is Jeff Dunham married?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 You're one of his puppets.

Speaker 2 So, what are the answers

Speaker 2 on all of this? It says N slash A. Oh, my God.
And then I put it into just Jeff Bezos. And then the first thing comes up is, is Jeff Bezos a Jew?

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 I don't understand.

Speaker 3 What I wanted to say was, I was doing a big purge and I was getting rid of a lot of

Speaker 3 like things that we had for big plastic things that she outgrew that I don't, that I never, like a gate that I never was able to use, like that kind of thing. Someone gave it to me.

Speaker 3 I'm like, okay, I was going to put it outside. My neighbor has a baby.
So they were like, oh, great.

Speaker 3 So they were taking like a bunch of the stuff that we were partying with that we didn't think we'd ever need again.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but you don't need all my trash.

Speaker 2 By the way, I like your trash. No, no, this was an easy way to do it.
By the way, we're just getting rid of a lot of the zero through six months. Oh, yeah.
Or three to six month calls.

Speaker 3 See, it happens so fast. Yeah.
Well, so it was great because I was like, I was holding on to so many things, thinking maybe I'll want it later.

Speaker 3 And then just, I finally admitted about a lot of these things I don't want it. But then it was great because my neighbor was like, oh, we could use all this stuff.

Speaker 3 So it was like, it felt very purposeful. Like, I was like, great, I don't need to have it anymore.
And you can use it right now and then do whatever you want.

Speaker 2 And that's my point: we should only make one of everything,

Speaker 2 everything. Yeah.
And we all pass it to the community lab.

Speaker 3 Well, as a tangent, I just joined this like buy, purge, sell group with moms.

Speaker 3 And it's like giving away or selling for like $5, like kids stuff. And I'm like, so excited about it.
Cause I'm like, I want to do more of that instead of buying all this stuff new.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 3 I, I put outside this, I had this lamp. Like I had a set of lamps that I had kind of been keeping forever that I really didn't have a spot for.

Speaker 3 It was like a nice quality lamp, but it was getting kind of dirty. And I was kind of like, oh, whatever.
Like, I just put it, I was kind of just trying to go, just stop holding on to everything.

Speaker 3 Let's just put it outside. Someone will come and take it.
Cause, you know people just going down the street they'll take if it's good trash and my

Speaker 2 neighbor took different neighbor not these

Speaker 3 no this other guy took me my neighbor he he told me he's a junk collector okay the lamp isn't junk i actually kind of well i'll tell you he and his son have this business he he says he's always feigning heart he was standing looking at my pile of stuff and he was kind of like i collect junk so does so and so and so he's kind of mentioning people down the street i don't know them but he's like they also like to collect junk.

Speaker 3 So he's like, can I have this? Can I have this? He's kind of taking home. I'm like, I was like, have that, do whatever you want.

Speaker 3 I don't care at all that he wanted to take this stuff. What I do care about is that he has left, he has piles of stuff in front of his house.
And now my stuff is in his piles.

Speaker 3 And I look at it every day. And I'm so annoyed because I'm like, because you wanted to get rid of it.
Well, I'm like, I wanted to, now I see that link

Speaker 2 every day.

Speaker 3 And I'm either like, give it back because now I'm like, I think I can make it work

Speaker 2 or, or just put it in,

Speaker 3 it's getting ruined by the elements. Like, I'm like, I don't understand.
And then I had this frame, like, of this art that we kind of took apart.

Speaker 3 And then there was this frame, and we were like, Mike was going to break it up. And he's like, I'll just leave it.

Speaker 3 This man has now taken that and is using it as a sort of gate that he has to get around every day, but it's like not useful at all in that way.

Speaker 2 It has huge holes.

Speaker 3 No, like it was like an art piece, a canvas. Oh, but it has like, it has a huge holes in it.
It wouldn't protect nothing from going in or out.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And now that's there. And I'm looking at that every day going like, this is actually a problem.

Speaker 3 Because I was trying to get rid of stuff, and now I'm like, this man is keeping it all and showing me every day.

Speaker 2 Do you think he's trying to recreate the inside of your home in his yard from the inside out? He's walking around like, oh, I'm bored.

Speaker 3 It's actually really maddening.

Speaker 2 All right, we have to take a break. Okay.

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Speaker 2 all right we're back all right we're back jeff bezos is the executive he is the executive chairman now he's hbic he is no exactly he's no longer the president

Speaker 2 he's no longer the president no longer the ceo he is the executive chairman what about the i i don't care about that what about the previous three questions

Speaker 2 okay let's find out if jeff the killer is true

Speaker 2 i need to know who that is and i need to know everything about Jeff the Killer. Tell me now.

Speaker 3 Call me now. Did you watch that documentary?

Speaker 2 Oh, he's a girl. Really? He didn't go anywhere.
Which one? Who?

Speaker 3 The Cleo, Miss Cleo?

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Oh, that's disappointing.

Speaker 3 If anyone wants to hear the revealed, if you don't want to hear,

Speaker 3 you could hit Ford 15 seconds if you don't want to hear the twist, I guess, of this thing. Starting.

Speaker 2 She's dead.

Speaker 3 Now. She's a lesbian.

Speaker 2 Who cares?

Speaker 3 Was that it? That was like a big twist at some point.

Speaker 2 I went, I don't care. I never thought about her sexuality.

Speaker 3 I'm more intrigued about about if she's scamming. It was like, it was just such a weird,

Speaker 3 like, sort of like, and it was like this nice ending with her having a girlfriend.

Speaker 2 I was like, so?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was weird. It's like they got into this.
They just had to do this documentary in a day. Yeah.
Like, oh, there's no story here. Oh, she is.

Speaker 3 Oh, she's got a hot girlfriend.

Speaker 2 Jeff the Killer is a fictional character in the online horror fiction subgenre. Creepypasta.
He is depicted as a pale, noseless man with long black hair and a joker-esque grin. Okay, I'm scared.

Speaker 2 I'm scared. I'm scared.
Well, you can't. Known for his pre-murder catchphrase, go to sleep.

Speaker 2 You don't think so? I'm scared. Jeff the Killer, origin and history at dictionary.com.
What?

Speaker 2 Thanks, Dictionary. Why is the doctor? Why is the dictionary getting involved in Jeff the Killer? Hey, leave the dictionary out of it.

Speaker 3 He's a definition of a killer.

Speaker 2 Here's another question. Where is Jeff the Killer live?

Speaker 2 Is Jeff a serial killer?

Speaker 2 I love him. I need to know everything about him.
Jeff.

Speaker 2 It's me, Jeff. Is Creepy Pasta?

Speaker 3 Is Creepypasta a children's world?

Speaker 2 How would I know?

Speaker 2 Meaning,

Speaker 3 so maybe it's been Googled a ton because there's a lot of kids wondering if Jeff is real.

Speaker 2 It must be, right? Right. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Is Jeff the somebody asked Cora, is Jeff the killer real and still alive?

Speaker 2 Can you imagine having Google as a child? I would have known

Speaker 2 everything. I know elephant penises.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, somebody answered. Yes, Jeff the Killer is real.
And whether or not he is alive, I don't know. He was last seen in 2011.

Speaker 2 That being said, no one really knows if he is alive, but I think he still might be out there. Okay, that's just scary.
That's scary.

Speaker 3 Good answer. Good answer.

Speaker 2 Good answer. Good answer.

Speaker 2 I wonder what game show you're going to be on.

Speaker 3 You'll have to wait and see.

Speaker 2 What game show could you be on? Wheel of Fortune, probably. Are you going to be on? Is it cake?

Speaker 3 Oh, I would love to do is it cake?

Speaker 2 Check out this. Is this cake?

Speaker 3 I'm not going to touch you.

Speaker 2 You can connect it to my arm, just connect it to my body. Cake.
You will not trick me into touching you again.

Speaker 3 Are you going to watch the other Before Sunrise movies?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I want to do them with you. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 But we can do them like. Yeah, space it out.
Yeah. I don't have time right now.
Yeah. All right.
Not nine years, but maybe. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we should do it every nine years.

Speaker 2 So if you type in is Jeff Propes, you get married. Then you get, is Jeff Propes sick? Sick? Well, like, what are you doing? I mean, we're all like today creeping towards death.
Is that what they mean?

Speaker 2 He's been married a couple times. Sorry.
A couple times? He was married to Shelly Wright from 1996 to 2001. Didn't work out.
This is pre-Survivor. Well, Survivor started started in 2000.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, so then he was like, I don't need you anymore, Shelly. I'm famous now.
Shelly wrong for me.

Speaker 2 And then he's now, he's still married to Lisa Ann Russell as of 2011.

Speaker 2 Congratulations, Jeff. We love you.

Speaker 3 We love you in Gutfeld. It's going on 12

Speaker 2 years with that lovely lady. And you know what else? I think I love Jeff the Killer, too.
Well, I'm attracted to him based on the description. I like that he smiles.
I like that too.

Speaker 2 I think that's nice. Plus, no nose.
It takes fewer muscles to have a smile carved on your face. Instead of a frown.
That's right. No nose.
He can't smell like your gut BO or fart.

Speaker 2 Is Jeff Dunham married?

Speaker 3 He couldn't smell my ground turkey.

Speaker 2 Is Jeff Dunham married? He's also been married twice.

Speaker 3 You might be a redneck if you're married to Jeff Dunham.

Speaker 2 He was married to Paige Dunham from 1994.

Speaker 2 But still true.

Speaker 2 True.

Speaker 2 He was married to Paige Dunham from 1994 to 2010. And

Speaker 2 he's been married to Audrey Murdick since 2012. That's great.
The picture of Jeff is with him and Ahmed the terrorist.

Speaker 2 That's great. I forgot about that.

Speaker 2 That's great.

Speaker 2 Look, I just have a picture by myself. Nope, get Ahmed in there.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 I'm really happy for it.

Speaker 2 I turn out just the killer who's married.

Speaker 2 It'd be tough because he would cause to be going, honey, go to sleep. And it's like, ah, don't murder me.

Speaker 3 Trying to think if I have any reality recap. Yeah.
Well, million-dollar listing is really great this season. I will throw that one out there.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I switched my TV provider, so I no longer have money. Oh, let's talk about that.

Speaker 3 Not right now, but I'd love to know more about that later.

Speaker 2 It doesn't say if he's married, but it does say he is an adolescent serial killer and registered creepypasta. Wait, he kills

Speaker 2 on the registered.

Speaker 3 Is there a registered creepypasta? So if you move into a neighborhood and you're a registered creepypasta, do you have to go door to door and tell everyone?

Speaker 2 I am a creepypasta.

Speaker 2 Also, go to sleep.

Speaker 2 Have you ever gotten Frankie as an adolescent? No, thank God. He's an adolescent who is a serial killer.
But shouldn't you be thanking God if you did get it? Because there are probably.

Speaker 3 I pretty much think everyone's a pervert, and I try to stay away from them.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jeff was disfigured after being set on fire while fighting a gang of bullies and lost his sanity.

Speaker 2 He lost his sanity when he was set on fire. The being set on fire

Speaker 2 made him crazy. No, fighting the bullies made him lose his sanity.
I'm trying to fight these guys. Are they setting on fire? I'm going crazy over here.
It's honestly so stressful.

Speaker 3 Oh my God. Wait, how was, did you go to the did you go to the Galentine's pickleball game?

Speaker 2 Uh, no, I did not go to the game. I, um,

Speaker 3 it looked fun. I didn't go.
Um, and why didn't you go? Well, because I, you know, I sort of, I was sort of like, I have a child, you know?

Speaker 3 And what about well, you know what? I actually don't know a thing about pickleball. But then Jessica messaged me and she was like, why weren't you court side next time? And then I said, you know what?

Speaker 3 Next time I would be court side.

Speaker 2 I feel like you're letting this friend group bully you.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I'm scared of them.

Speaker 2 You are. You, you've talked about how you admire them.
I do admire them, but I don't think you want their kind of tough love.

Speaker 3 I'm scared. I'm scared and ready.

Speaker 2 Now they're making you be places.

Speaker 3 No, I mean, honestly, I felt honored that she said I should have been there. I felt like, you know, I'm not, I'm not main friend group here.
I'm kind of like tertiary subject.

Speaker 2 Just to get out. You're a supporting character.
I'm a supporting character in their lives, 100%.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I'm like a sort of co-star. You're like the gunthar.
I have two lines every 10 episodes.

Speaker 2 You're 28 on the call sheet.

Speaker 3 So you think Gunther's probably how old?

Speaker 3 How down was Gunther up?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Gunther would have been Gunther.

Speaker 3 He probably would have been 12.

Speaker 2 Who's seven? How through 11 did he appear on the show? Pretty early, I think.

Speaker 3 Okay, so you think he's like number six? No, seven?

Speaker 2 He's six above Matt LeBlanc.

Speaker 3 He's number seven? I'd love to see.

Speaker 2 Who else could?

Speaker 3 Can we get our pause in a friend's call sheet?

Speaker 2 Were you ever on it? Here, let me look.

Speaker 3 Janie was a

Speaker 2 good background on that show. I saw the clip.
I love that. Yeah, yeah.
We went to, you know, James Michael Tyler, who played Gunther, died.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I guess during quarantine.

Speaker 2 And we went to his memorial service at Hollywood Forever. And it was wonderful.
That's nice. It was a real, it was like one of those, it was a real celebration.
It was outdoors.

Speaker 2 It was a beautiful day.

Speaker 2 There was like music play. Like he, he said he wanted his, he knew he was going to die and he wanted his service to be a big party.
And it really was. It was a wonderful thing.

Speaker 2 And like, you know, this is a person I never met in my life, but

Speaker 2 to, I felt very privileged to witness the outpouring of love

Speaker 2 that was,

Speaker 2 that was being, uh, uh, that was on display. Do you think you'll get one?

Speaker 3 A funeral like that?

Speaker 2 I only think about it every day. If you ever died,

Speaker 2 I don't know that you will.

Speaker 3 I think your funeral would be really fun.

Speaker 2 I think it would be. Yeah, yeah.
I think it would be. People laughing,

Speaker 2 selling ice cream.

Speaker 2 There, hold me to that. I'm going to have a man selling ice cream at my funeral.

Speaker 3 I'll help make sure that happens because I will die after you because I'm younger.

Speaker 2 That's right. And you're a woman.
Yeah. Here's what I have found.
A Friends with Benefits call sheet.

Speaker 3 I will look at that.

Speaker 2 Number one, Ryan Hansen.

Speaker 3 What? Who's that?

Speaker 2 He's he was in Veronica Molly.

Speaker 3 No, but I mean, that's not the same movie I'm thinking of.

Speaker 2 Ashton Kutcher and no, I don't think this is a movie. I think it's a TV show.
It's a vision program television.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 And then I would need my glasses.

Speaker 3 So wait, we're just looking up call sheets right now.

Speaker 2 Well, I looked up friends call sheets. No, yeah.
Let me see. Friends, here's what we're going to do.

Speaker 3 Friends call sheet, Jennifer Aniston. I watched this.

Speaker 2 There we go. Here's an X-Files call sheet.

Speaker 2 Whistle it.

Speaker 2 Where's the rat man on there?

Speaker 2 I clicked on what I thought was the X-Files call sheet, and here's what popped up.

Speaker 2 They got you. They got you.
That's like basically saying you got Rick Rolls. A Walt Disney 1930s horse.

Speaker 2 He fucking got you. Fucking got me.
Aren't you glad that you do this show so you know what Rick Rolling is?

Speaker 3 I love it. I never would have known.
So, yeah, just to bounce back, I do feel like I have, I'm, I'm a, what's that?

Speaker 2 I am a.

Speaker 2 That was not me. I gotta take my pill.
That's uh, apparently now because everything's going through my computer when we record. If I get a text, apparently that happens.

Speaker 2 But do not disturb.

Speaker 3 Did you just touch the screen of of that?

Speaker 2 No, I pressed mute.

Speaker 3 Oh, it looked like you were touching.

Speaker 2 I was like, that doesn't work that way, sweetheart.

Speaker 2 Hey, dear. I'm just going to mute you, Poke.
Did you find a friend's call sheet?

Speaker 3 I didn't. There's too much.
The word friends is too general.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's a note for that show. Yeah.
I just put in friend sheet.

Speaker 3 But I do think I'm 28th on the call sheet, if not lower on the deep dive friends.

Speaker 2 I think it's a great idea to make call sheets for every friend group you can think of. And then they everything you invite people.

Speaker 3 It should should be their call. They should have a call sheet for all of their events.

Speaker 2 And then they tell call time and wardrobe. Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 3 Then they have a stylist theme. They have the makeup and hair.

Speaker 2 They have call time for hair and makeup. That's right.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't be shocked if they had that for the Galentine's pickleball alternative.

Speaker 2 They should. Safety orientation.
I love the idea of a call sheet for a party. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's actually kind of cute.

Speaker 3 If it was like a TV themed.

Speaker 2 Then somebody's going to take it seriously, though. Like, why am I numbers 17?

Speaker 3 Yeah, right. Yeah.
You can't get caught up in the numbers. I'm happy to be 28 or lower.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. I love when you're on a show, you guest on a show that's been on for a million years, and you're like, you're a number 502.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 On Orange's New Black, I was like number 41. There were so many sort of

Speaker 2 moving people.

Speaker 2 So fun. I've never been on a show.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 2 How does that feel in your heart? That

Speaker 2 Sarah Silverman program. Yes, I was on that twice.
Two different characters.

Speaker 3 You had a call sheet, I'm sure.

Speaker 2 Sure, I bet we did.

Speaker 3 I didn't even know how to call it. Or they just told you to show up tomorrow.

Speaker 2 So much of that show was like.

Speaker 2 You were already there. Yeah.
It was like, so you're in this.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So much of that show was us trying to figure out show business from people not giving us any clues.

Speaker 3 But that's honestly, that's how it is, I think, across the board. There's no one explaining anything, and you just have to show up and hope you figure something out.

Speaker 2 That's life, baby. Yeah.
Yeah. That is life.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You know what I was thinking about?

Speaker 3 Um, tell us I drove past a Jack in the Box and I was thinking about how you were talking about Jack in the Box and that fry situation that was that was Carls Jr., but thank you so much for thinking of me.

Speaker 2 Oh, damn. I appreciate that.
I'm not

Speaker 2 memorized.

Speaker 3 Well, because it's going to sound even like my brain is even more just centered on myself because I was thinking about how I forgot that I was in a Jack in the Box commercial and I was thinking, why didn't I ever think of that when you talked about that?

Speaker 3 Well, it's because you were saying Carls Jr.

Speaker 2 the entire time.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What did you did you play Jack?

Speaker 3 No, I didn't. I was the premise of the commercial.

Speaker 3 The premise of the commercial.

Speaker 2 I didn't.

Speaker 3 He directed the commercial.

Speaker 2 What? He did. Oh, because the guy with the voice directed all the commercials.
That's what a sweet. I remember Andy Kindler talking about that.
That guy casting himself. And he's like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I just keep hearing this voice in my head. Specific voice.
It's going to sound like

Speaker 2 Jeopardy producer. I love how instantly

Speaker 2 shut down. Well, to replace Alex Trebek,

Speaker 2 the producer of the show finally cast himself. Oh, that was so crazy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 That was really funny.

Speaker 3 The premise of my commercial was that they were finally serving breakfast all day, and other people were.

Speaker 2 That was a curse for me.

Speaker 3 I was in the drive-through along with many other cars as we were experiencing going to our other fast food places and finding that they no longer serve breakfast.

Speaker 3 So I'm screaming and sobbing in my car because they don't serve breakfast all day.

Speaker 2 And you're a lunatic.

Speaker 3 And I'm insane. And then it was opera music playing over us in slow-mo while we all screamed and cried in the cars.
And then they're like, don't worry, we have it all day.

Speaker 2 And how do you feel about it after? I feel great. You feel good? Yeah.
Worthwhile? Worth your time?

Speaker 3 It was absolutely worth my time. Yes.
Yes. It was one step to quitting babysitting.

Speaker 2 So from babysitting to jack in the box commercial,

Speaker 2 we now have an intermediate step. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What did you, what was your favorite Super Bowl commercial?

Speaker 3 My favorite one.

Speaker 3 God, Paul, did we decide on a favorite? I think I liked the Will Farrell one the most because I liked

Speaker 2 Will Farrell. Yeah, that was the least

Speaker 2 Dunkin' Donuts one. It was funny.

Speaker 3 I actually didn't see that one play.

Speaker 2 I have to say that. The thing that no, I thought it was funny.

Speaker 3 You're not allowed to say he didn't think that.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you something about Dunkin' the Boys?

Speaker 2 Back in, I'm going to say

Speaker 2 my

Speaker 2 late 20s, early 30s,

Speaker 2 when I was

Speaker 2 drinking all the time.

Speaker 2 I would get drunk. One pill makes you every night.

Speaker 2 We all did.

Speaker 2 We all did. My go-to when I was drunk was to get two breakfast sandwiches from Jack in the Box.

Speaker 2 And maybe if I was lucky, I wouldn't eat both of them that night. Maybe there'd be one in the morning.
Yeah, that's a good choice. But as often as not, I would eat both of them that night.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I got drunk the other night and actually congratulations.

Speaker 3 And it was to the point where I was worried I was going to throw up in the Uber on the way.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 3 And then I was, but I focused and I was fine.

Speaker 2 You were driving an Uber? I was driving. Afterwards.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And I got home and sort of.

Speaker 2 Let me see the back of your head. Why? What does it look like?

Speaker 2 I think you drove me in your Uber.

Speaker 2 Back of my head. You passed me the ox.
That's psychotic.

Speaker 2 Like Jeff the killer over here. I sort of did that thing where I kind of like

Speaker 3 stumbled around my house making different decisions of like, I'm going to eat these pretzels.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. I'm going to leave those here.
I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that.

Speaker 3 And then, like,

Speaker 3 I actually went to bed with my makeup on, which I never do. And

Speaker 2 you look so good the morning. I looked beautiful when I woke up.

Speaker 2 Does the Joker take his makeup off when he goes to the window? I wonder. That's a good question.
He seems to have nice skin on his face. I think it was getting really crackly.

Speaker 2 I honestly, other than the Heath Ledger version, I thought his face was naturally like that. Yes, I thought so too.
Oh, that's nice. I thought so too.

Speaker 2 I thought so, too.

Speaker 3 Anyway,

Speaker 3 it was a fun time. I actually was like, really, had a great night.

Speaker 2 Can you say what the occasion was?

Speaker 3 I went to a housewarming party

Speaker 2 house. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It was a fun house. It was fun.
And it was a fun mix of people that I don't always see. So I had a lot of nice convos.

Speaker 2 Nice, very nice. I like that.
Yeah, for you.

Speaker 2 Did you hear any gossip?

Speaker 2 Let me think.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. We have to take a break.
Lauren's going to tell us a gossip. We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 Tell us a gossip.

Speaker 4 Well, hi, everybody. It's Julia Louis Dreyfus from the Wiser Than Me podcast.
And I'm not going to talk about food waste this time.

Speaker 4 I'm going to talk about food resources.

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Speaker 4 I even invested in this thing, but I'm not alone.

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Speaker 4 But the clincher is that you can depend on it for years. Mill is a serious machine.
Think about a dishwasher, not a toaster.

Speaker 4 It's built by hand in North America and it's engineered by the guy who did your iPhone. But you have to kind of live with Mill to understand all the love.
That's why they offer a risk-free trial.

Speaker 4 Go to mill.com slash wiser for an exclusive offer.

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Speaker 5 Oh, my God.

Speaker 5 That was fun.

Speaker 2 That happy hour snuck up on me. God, I love day drinking.
You loved IJ game.

Speaker 2 Okay, so

Speaker 2 we looked for Lauren's

Speaker 2 Jack in the Box commercial, and instead we found

Speaker 2 a video where she's making fun of drunk driving. God, I don't know.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 That's an old web series.

Speaker 2 So typing in Jack in the Box breakfast all day, you get a lot of people reviewing Jack in the Box

Speaker 2 menu.

Speaker 2 There's so many. There's so many.
What could be the difference in any of the things that they're saying?

Speaker 3 I really don't know. This commercial might be hard to find.

Speaker 2 I found the YouTube link. It is now unavailable.
Really? Yep. Dang.

Speaker 2 So sorry, no longer available because the YouTube account associated with this video has been terminated. Oh, God.
Wow. Execution style.
With extreme prejudice. So sorry.

Speaker 3 Sorry, everyone. You can't see it, but you know what? That's for the best.

Speaker 2 Shouldn't everything be online all the time? Agreed. Yeah.
You know what I mean? I think everybody should be able to do it.

Speaker 3 I think everything should be deleted and we'll start over.

Speaker 2 Okay. I think that seems better.
Why don't you do everything to Pornhub? Yes.

Speaker 2 Everyone knows it. It's a pub.
It's got a name.

Speaker 2 We all love it.

Speaker 2 It's the number one place to do. Put everything up there.
Put that new Batgirl movie up there. Put it all.

Speaker 2 is it time for a three cha oh my god it is or a voicemail what do you want to do oh voicemail let's do a voicemail yeah i have my little snack here i'm gonna have to if you would like to call us you can call us at

Speaker 2 uh hagclaims8

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 2 all right so let's see how do i do this oh boy you you did it before i know but there okay here's the problem he put them all in one file okay all right i'm skipping to to this one. All right.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 6 Hey, Threedum Boys.

Speaker 2 I don't have a funny question. Okay, bye.
I was just curious.

Speaker 2 No, that's good.

Speaker 3 All right. I like it when it's not funny.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Hey, Threedum Boys.

Speaker 7 I don't have a funny question.

Speaker 7 I was just curious if any of you ever have like anxiety or if you've ever had like a panic attack on stage while performing and you have how

Speaker 2 you

Speaker 7 go about

Speaker 7 hiding it or how you deal with it.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I don't know. Just curious if you guys ever have to deal with that.
Thanks.

Speaker 2 Bye. Thank you.
Oh, bye. Bye.

Speaker 3 Thank you so much.

Speaker 2 You know, it's hard when you're on stage and you start getting nervous

Speaker 2 because like

Speaker 2 your breathing gets really shallow and it's very difficult to do the necessary thing because you're expected to talk. Like I'm talking about when you're doing stand-up.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If suddenly you start getting like, oh fuck, I'm bombing, and you start getting nervous.

Speaker 2 It's very difficult to recover because your breathing is getting like more shallow, and but you have to, you have to be talking

Speaker 2 at the same time. So the best thing you can do is put yourself in a mind state where you don't give a shit beforehand.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I've never, I don't think I've ever had a panic attack on stage or something, but I've definitely felt like anxious.

Speaker 2 I've never,

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I feel like, although I've i've bombed plenty i don't know that it ever felt panicky in that way it felt more like you just have to keep going it it just i mean you had good material my well my material sucks i did not always uh my my memory of that feeling like from the earliest days when it was when i did not have the the skills that i have now was that it just felt bad.

Speaker 2 It felt like scary, like, oh no, this is, it just felt humiliating. Yeah.
Like, this is bad. And I have to keep, and I can't just leave.
That's it.

Speaker 3 It's more just like, it feels bad, but it's not

Speaker 3 my, your brain's aware that it's bad.

Speaker 2 You just can't stop. Of course, you have to keep going.
Of course, I have a famous story, and you could hear it on Laboring Under Delusions,

Speaker 2 one of my albums,

Speaker 2 about doing a New Year's Eve show where people threw ice at me. Wow.
But I still did my time. Wow.
And then realized later I probably could have left and no one would have said anything.

Speaker 2 Well, the other part of of,

Speaker 2 by the way, that was Carrie. The other part of her question was, have you ever had a panic attack?

Speaker 2 I don't think I ever had one.

Speaker 3 I've had one or maybe two.

Speaker 2 I would know it, right? I can't say I wasn't. It wasn't during the show, was it? I'm having it right now.
Oh, you look great.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 2 See, I can keep it hidden.

Speaker 2 No, it was horrible.

Speaker 3 I don't want to speak about that.

Speaker 2 Okay. Thanks for your question here.

Speaker 2 Here's, this is Shannon, I think. Here we go.

Speaker 6 Hi, Scott, Paul, and Lauren in no particular order.

Speaker 2 Oh, but we thought the order was noted.

Speaker 6 I was calling because I got into a big argument with my boyfriend because I was buying a gift certificate for someone from a restaurant, and he invited that person along to go get it.

Speaker 2 What? What?

Speaker 6 And he did not see the problem in there, hence the argument.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 So I was just going to say, hold on, I want to back. I'm going to back down.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 You're wrong. I forbid it.

Speaker 6 It's insane to think that if you're getting a gift for someone, the person the gift is for maybe shouldn't be there during the time of the gift getting.

Speaker 6 Okay, love you. Bye.

Speaker 2 Man.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he's totally wrong. Why would you invite that person?

Speaker 2 It seems weird.

Speaker 3 They can watch you buy the thing and then you hand it to them.

Speaker 2 Maybe that's their kink. Why are you kink shaming this guy?

Speaker 3 I don't. I think she probably would have said if it was his kink.

Speaker 2 He wants to watch you buy this.

Speaker 2 He wants to cuck my gift. It does.
But it also, this is a great TV show. Cuck my gift.

Speaker 2 I feel like for the person who gives the gift, it does sort of

Speaker 2 cheapens it for them. Yeah.
You know?

Speaker 3 It doesn't feel special. It feels like, first of all, that person had to do the errand of going to the place.

Speaker 2 Why not just give me money? Yeah. If we're going to be here together.
Yeah. Why don't you just buy it for me? Here's my question.
Why is this a fight? Like, why couldn't you? I think because

Speaker 2 it's a fight. No,

Speaker 2 if you ask and say, why do you want to do that? And he can't explain it, then you have a communication problem where this person cannot communicate.

Speaker 3 Well, like, if you're like, you're saying what we have here is a failure.

Speaker 3 My question also was: did they three of us did they go have food or no, they just went to the restaurant to buy the gift card and then they were going to go do something else together?

Speaker 3 Like, that's that's insane. Like, you can't bring the person on the errand of their own.

Speaker 2 Also, you, you can say, that's unacceptable to me and say, like, oh, no, I wanted this to be a secret. So, he, the person can come in the car as long as we keep it a secret.

Speaker 2 If that's why I'm going to the thing, I think a great way to avoid a fight is to say things like, that's unacceptable to to me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Don't keep it real.
No, but what I guess what I'm trying to say, Paul, is like, don't be afraid to say your own feelings about how you feel about something. I agree with that.

Speaker 2 And where your boundaries are. Well, it sounds like she

Speaker 2 did not have an issue with that. Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 And they all had a fight.

Speaker 2 Great. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway, drop him. Well, we settled that one.

Speaker 2 Here, this is Natalie. Okay.

Speaker 2 Hello. Hi.

Speaker 2 I love they're all late.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Like

Speaker 2 two years years ago, you promised to tell jury duty stories. No, we didn't.
And then you didn't. Promised.
So that hurts. If there's an opportunity to give us jury duty stories, go.
Ooh.

Speaker 2 How is it possible there are stories we haven't told already?

Speaker 3 If we didn't talk about jury duty, she must have missed an episode. I got jury duty once

Speaker 3 when I was that I actually went to. Other times I deferred it and they didn't call me back.
Or you know what I did?

Speaker 3 No, more recently, I called and trying to go, and then they just kept saying I wasn't needed until it ran out, and then I wasn't needed. Like, I actually was doing my due diligence.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I got jury duty when I was like 21 or something, and I was in Chicago.

Speaker 3 I went, and I remember I went and sat there, and just like I had like my book and my snacks, and then I filled out some forms.

Speaker 3 They never interviewed me, and then I was sent home, and that was the end. There you go.
Yeah, how about you?

Speaker 2 I have gone twice.

Speaker 2 One time I went and I got excused because they prefaced it by saying, this is going to be a long trial. So you got to get your affairs in order.
And it was during pilot season. This is back.

Speaker 2 This was back when I, yeah, you might die here. That's how long it's going to be.

Speaker 2 Your future grandchildren. By the way, you're all going to end up fucking each other.

Speaker 2 It was, this was back when I was a working actor and it was pilot pilot season. And I was like, I had to write out a letter and say, This is the time of year where I try to find work.

Speaker 2 It was also the back in the days when there was a pilot season. Yeah, right.
And

Speaker 2 I can't, I, you know, if I don't get it, if I don't get a job within this time, I probably won't get a job. Right.
And I was mortified. I was like, this judge is going to yell at me.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You think you're better.

Speaker 2 Judges love to yell at people. And so I had to wait through,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 selection or something. I don't know, not through selection, but there was another address that the judge gave to everybody and then afterwards said that I was excused.
And I was so relieved.

Speaker 2 And then the second time I did it, I was chosen and I sat on a trial. And it was a real bummer of a trial.

Speaker 2 Oh, I think we've... You and I made it.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And

Speaker 2 it lasted about a week, and

Speaker 2 it ended in a hung jury, and we were all dismissed. What? Any jury with you is a hung jury.

Speaker 3 Thank you. I just remembered I had a court date years ago and totally forgot.

Speaker 3 I think from one of my car accidents, but I'm trying to remember.

Speaker 2 No, I went.

Speaker 3 It was like, I think I was in high school and I had to go to court with my dad. And then they made me feel really bad.
And I was like, I have to do that.

Speaker 2 So your dad took you to this Native American thing and he took you to court. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And the judge had to, like, I talked to them about what I did and what happened. And then they told me what I had to do because I had to go to drive driving school or traffic school.

Speaker 2 Yes, yes, yes. And then you go to comedy traffic school.
It was hilarious. And I was, I felt so ashamed and horrible and scared.
Sure. Yeah, it's terrifying.
Yeah. Okay.
I was so terrified when I was,

Speaker 2 I know I've told this story before, but I got arrested for smoking on the subway when I was like 19 years old.

Speaker 2 And I was issued a court date and I didn't go.

Speaker 2 And then mail started coming to the house saying, A bench warrant has been issued for your arrest. And my mom is saying, What is this? And I'm like, Well, I don't know.
It's crazy.

Speaker 2 Did she not know you smoked? Is that why you wanted to keep it secret? I think she knew that. I think she knew I smoked, but I did not tell her that I was arrested.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then

Speaker 2 I tried to go one day. I think I tried to go on the day and I couldn't find the building.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then this is before Google. This is before Google and before I knew any fucking thing.
And I just, then I i just didn't go like yeah i just didn't go that's such a

Speaker 2 yeah and i i got like

Speaker 2 i can't find it forget i got a few more summonses but that was like what how i dealt with things was like just total shutdown yeah like i can't this is too big too for my

Speaker 2 mind and emotions i'm just not gonna deal yeah i'm just not gonna deal with it goes away and guess what it did

Speaker 2 wow because i feel like i would have gone into some building and be like can you help me but did it hang on

Speaker 2 did it hang over your life for like eight years like where you constantly thought about because i had a no i had a warrant i i think i thought about it for probably a year and then nothing happened and it kind of went away and i was like this is such a i think i also was assured by people like they're not gonna fucking right try to find you and arrest you yeah i had a warrant for probably seven years or something like that for like a speeding ticket or whatever

Speaker 2 where i same thing i couldn't find the courthouse like and it just i ended up not going your ineptitude saved you both both of you no but my thing is anytime i drove

Speaker 2 confidence and my cowardice. They came through.

Speaker 2 Anytime I drove, I was so paranoid about it of like getting pulled over, them calling the warrant, then they impowed my car, they took me to jail for years, for years and years and years and years.

Speaker 2 And then finally, I went in and dealt with it one day. And it was like

Speaker 2 the judge, I went before the judge and it took me like a half hour. He basically like called me up and said,

Speaker 2 why didn't you deal with this? I said, I don't know. And he said, okay, well, I'm going to reduce the thing.
And you reduced it down to 100. I was like, I didn't have the money.

Speaker 2 He reduced it down to 100 bucks. I was like, all right, get out of here.
It was like so simple

Speaker 2 that I was like, why have I been under this massive cloud for years and years when I could have just taken care of it? Then you also hear shit like,

Speaker 2 you know, you go there and the cop won't show up. And so it's dismissed or whatever.
Yeah, I think that happened in my thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The other thing I read is when the cop pulls you over and uses radar, you're supposed to say, and when was the last time that was calibrated, sir?

Speaker 2 And they have to write it on the ticket or I don't know.

Speaker 2 No, I guess my cop had to show up because I had to go to driver's. I love what people's advice is to be an asshole to the cop.
Yeah. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And then what you should say to him is, you pay his salary. Well, also, we should just say, don't talk to cops.
Don't ever give them any, don't answer any of their questions. That's right.

Speaker 2 So my one jury duty story was, I had the same thing where I kept deferring because like, I remember I was working on Shark Tale at the time. I'm like, literally, the movie's opening.
I can't do this.

Speaker 2 And they're like, well, you have to do it at some point. I was like, yeah, but now.

Speaker 2 And they're like, no, you can defer. Okay, well, let's do it.

Speaker 2 But the last time I did it was in Burbank. And have I not told this story? But I don't know.
Apparently, we haven't. I got, there was a group of a hundred of us.

Speaker 2 And first of all, my friend. 100 Scott Ackermans? Yes.
This is crazy. And the person on trial was me.
Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Was Jeff the killer of the jury.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 so there was, they got a hundred and they were looking for,

Speaker 2 I think they were looking for like either 24, you know, because of 12 alternates or that's 16 or something like that.

Speaker 2 So my friend who was a judge said, hey, when you're filling out the form of like all your information and it asks what you do for a living,

Speaker 2 write down every single thing you do,

Speaker 2 like podcaster,

Speaker 2 you know, actor, like every single job or hobby you have because then you look like an insane person. Hobby.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He said, you look like an insane person to the judge and they'll get rid of you, right? Oh. So I did that.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 they

Speaker 2 that actually sounds ill logical to me. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It sounds unhinged and like you make no money doing any of the things.

Speaker 2 But in these days of the side hustle,

Speaker 2 it's less ludicrous than it used to be.

Speaker 2 But so I did that, but it's, but it didn't, they didn't get rid of me. And so this is a thing.
Um, so the first day they passed out these like badges and the judge admonished everyone.

Speaker 2 He says, you are going to need these badges every single time you come in here. And if you do not, this is the most important thing in your life.

Speaker 2 If you do not have this badge when you come in, you are going to be chewed out by me from the bench.

Speaker 2 Right. So everyone like had to, had to have these badges with curse words.
Yeah. Like, come on.

Speaker 2 I'm going to roast you to fill Jeff Ross style. It's going to be like a caricature artist on the boardwalk.

Speaker 2 So that was how we started. And then...

Speaker 3 Did you lose it?

Speaker 2 Well, let me get to this. I like to jump ahead.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 we hear what the trial is going to be about,

Speaker 2 what the type of thing it's going to cover. And he starts interviewing people

Speaker 2 numerically. I was number 60-something, right? He starts with number one, and he starts just interviewing people

Speaker 2 saying, like, here's what the the trial is going to cover. Will you have a problem being impartial?

Speaker 2 And it was very interesting because people immediately, like, if they didn't want on the jury, they would go like, yeah, I would have trouble being impartial.

Speaker 2 And it was very interesting because the judge kept steering them into out of politeness, they felt like they couldn't. Cause he's like, no, you could be.

Speaker 2 He kept steering them into like going like, yeah, you're right. I can do it.
I can do it.

Speaker 2 And there was only one guy who was like, absolutely not. I cannot be impartial.

Speaker 2 And he, he interviewed him for 15 minutes going but if this happened surely you could put aside those things nope i would never be able to do that i cannot be impartial in this jury and finally after 15 minutes of just excruciating things he goes all right you're free to go and it was like damn that guy actually like withstood 15 minutes of grilling yeah he did it yeah yeah yeah so

Speaker 2 I so I get by the way this is uh the day that uh I wrote that letter for you I don't know if you remember this with your old manager um

Speaker 2 I don't on my lunch break,

Speaker 2 your old manager called me to write an email on your behalf. Well, let's get into that later.
I only had a 45-minute lunch break. Oh, what a hero.

Speaker 2 I wrote an email for you.

Speaker 2 But so Kulop picks me up in her car, which is a pristine car, has nothing, no trash in it or anything like that.

Speaker 2 We get home. She picks me up because we're going to a restaurant.
We go to the restaurant, we go home. And then I'm looking to go to the next day.

Speaker 2 I'm looking for this badge and I can't find it and i'm like hey kulop can you look in your car for the badge because i can't find this badge she looks at it and goes it's not here i've looked everywhere for it it's not here and i go i'm in trouble so i go the next day

Speaker 2 and this judge like you have to have the badge to get into the room and whoever doesn't have the badge doesn't get in the room and and so like i get put off to the side and he just tears into me and he's like what did i tell you yesterday that you had to have this badge?

Speaker 2 What happened to it? I said, I'm just like mortified because the other thing is another juror like recognized me and was like, I'm such a big fan. I'm being like chewed out in front of a fan.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, I lost it, sir.

Speaker 2 Your honor, whatever I call you. And he, and he just like yells at me for a while.
I'm just like sitting there taking it going, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 they get all the people they need before they ever get up to 60, whatever. And so we're all let go at the end of the second day.

Speaker 2 Just out of curiosity, I go to Kulop's car. It's sitting right there in the car.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 3 How did she miss it? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 That's it. She did not see that coming in at all.
Oh my God. Wow.

Speaker 3 Do you think the person who called and left this message was the one who saw you get chewed out and wants you to tell that story?

Speaker 3 You guys said, you promised a year ago that you would tell a story about jury duty.

Speaker 2 It was so emasculating.

Speaker 2 I'm a 40, whatever-year-old man being yelled at by another 40 year old man for losing a piece of paper that's been laminated.

Speaker 2 That sucks. Oh, and then the other thing was

Speaker 2 as I'm leaving, I see a little wall of celebrities who have done jury duty and there's weird Al going,

Speaker 2 that shouldn't be

Speaker 2 celebrated. Isn't that weird? Yeah.
Alright.

Speaker 2 Running out of time for this episode. Who's your judge friend? Is it Judy? Yeah.
All right. I peed on her leg once.
Do you you tell her it's raining? No, I told her it was P. Okay.
Thank God.

Speaker 2 Don't make the mistake.

Speaker 2 We have to go.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 look, if you're still listening to this, you're probably in for the long haul, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Thank you for sticking it out.
This is our last episode. And

Speaker 2 until next week, and we should say until next week. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But this is our final episode until we come back next week. Yeah.
Series finale

Speaker 2 of

Speaker 2 episodes that end now. Yes, series finale of this week's episodes.
Oh, okay. And

Speaker 2 we love you for listening.

Speaker 2 If you would like to call us- By the way, if you ever listen to one of these episodes, the last two minutes or so, Lauren's on her phone looking, catching up on emails while we talk.

Speaker 2 Look, I just went through these stats and let's get out of here. It's Lauren's cooldown period, and we respect it.
I need it badly.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 if you'd like to call us, it is, of course, hagclaims8, the number of course. And 3dmusa gmail.com.

Speaker 2 If you want to send us a three-cher idea of a little game we can play, uh, we are 3dm USA on the socials.

Speaker 2 And if you would like to listen to ad-free versions of this podcast, you can do so at StitcherPremium or cbbworld.com.

Speaker 2 And until next time, remember,

Speaker 2 eat a peach

Speaker 2 and shoot the breeze.

Speaker 2 Hang it up. Bye.

Speaker 4 You know, when you're just going about your busy day and a voice asks you something like, Why do people have crushes? Or, do dogs know they're dogs? The Brains On podcast is here to help.

Speaker 4 Every episode answers tough questions with funny skits, cool facts, and more. It's a science show for kids of all ages, Whether you grew up with JFK, MTV, TLC, or TMZ, Brains On is for you.

Speaker 2 Listening may induce uncontrollable laughter and turn backseat squabbles into harmonious car trips. Find Brains On wherever you get your podcasts.