Rhonda McDonda

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Freedom!

How do you like me now?

Oh,

sick

and you see

by the dawn's early

light.

What so proudly we hailed

at the twilight.

Look, a bunch of bullshit.

I've never heard this song. Oh, yes.
It's a classic. All of those words, they don't mean anything anymore.
Let's change them. Let's update them.

Dang, that's, do you mean like we don't live up to it anymore? You're saying those actual words are just meaningless.

But I mean, all these words, like, yes, I technically know what they mean, but let's update them to like real words that people use now. Oh, say, you know, see?

Oh, say. Did you see by the dawn's early light?

What so proudly we hailed as the twilight's last gleaming? Come on, just speak English. It still doesn't say what I'm supposed to have seen.
Yeah. You're giving me all these descriptions.

What do you think it is?

I think it turned out to be the flag, I think. I think.
That's the thing. I've sung that so many times, I don't even know what he's talking about.
Is the star-spangled banner a flag?

So

as a sentence, right? As a way of getting people to say, did you see the flag? You're saying, oh,

can you see it by the dawn's early light? Jeopardy rules or something. What so proudly we hailed by the Twilight's Last Gleaming? Who's broad stripes? What are you fucking talking about?

Just say, did you see that flag? Broad stripes

through the perilous

fight

for the ramparts we

hailed

and the ragged air

the bombs were bursting in there

gave

proof through the night

that our flag was still

there were fireworks, but it was mostly probably bombs. And that proved that our flag was still there because we could see it in the light of the bombs.
And they mentioned bombs in it.

I don't know how many national anthems mention bombs. It makes sense for us.
But I mean, it's not like we were sending the bombs off, at least, it's like no, we were getting bombs, yeah, exactly.

Like, it would be weird to have a national anthem was like, and we'll bomb the shit out of you

if you try to fuck with us.

All right, I want to see how long it takes to get to the idea that we're looking at a flag. Singing,

say it as fast as you can,

like Tom Mashita Jr. Yeah,

all right, I'm going to sing the national anthem as fast as anyone ever has. Oh, so you can see by the non-that's what's rather we had all the time.

I really can't do it. I want to do it.
Okay, you do it. I'll move in.
It never.

Okay, so by the time it gets to gave proof through the night that our flag was still there, they never say,

Did you see that flag? Did you see that flag? Yeah.

Then

they say, as if they'd said it, oh, say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave? As if they had said, you never told me what it was, dude.

O say, does that star-spangled banner still wave

the land of the free

and the home

of the

brave

terrible podcast

in 1814? Francis Scott came to the bottom of the book. He took a ladle trip.

Defense of Fort McHenry. The poem was later put to the tune of John Stafford Smith's song, the Anacreontic Song.
Not every poem has to be a starboard.

Modified somewhat and retitled the Star-Spangled Banner because the Anacreontic song was a shitty ass name. It was a dream.
Congress proclaimed the Star-Spangled Banner the U.S.

National Anthem in guess what year, over under?

1925.

What? 1925. Sorry, what was the question? When did they make it the national anthem? National anthem.
Oh,

I bet this has been the national anthem since 3 AD.

1931.

Pretty close. Oh, say, can you see what the Johns are like? What's so probably we hailed twice? Let's get into this.

Oh, the rapids. We watched her look out and streaming the rockets.

The bombs were standing proof that the night that our flag was still there was it is the source of the woman and free from the home of the breadth of the stars. And I see, I don't know this part.

On the shore, dimly seen through the mist of the deep, where the foe's haughty host is dread silence repose. Oh, I forgot about it.

What is that which the breeze or the towering steep that fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses? Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam and full glory reflected.

Now shines on the stream. Till the star-spangled banner, oh, long may it wave over the land of the free and the home of the brave.

I mean, there's still two more paragraphs, but I feel like

one's real bad, I think. Yeah, that okay.
Want me to keep going?

Where is that band who so vauntingly swore that the havoc of war and the battle's confusion, a home and a country should leave us no more? Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps, pollution.

No refuge could save the hireling and slave from the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave. And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

It's honestly, it sounds like a bad song. It sounds like it's a bad omen.
Yeah.

Oh, thus it be it ever when free men shall stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation, blessed with the victory and peace.

May the heaven-rescued land praise the power that hath made and preserved us a nation. Then conquer we must when our cause is just, and this be our motto: God is our trust.

And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave or the land of the free and the home of the brave. They honestly made

it. They honestly made the most, they made the most of that.

Okay, there's an explanation.

That eight. There's a

slide.

It'll have no crumbs.

There is a under this lyric under these lyrics, there is a sort of explainer as to what the story was. Okay, what's the story? And they have put in

italics

the parts of the story that appear in the anthem itself. Okay.

So

Francis Scott Key awoke on September 14th by the dawn's early light. Thanks.
Oh, okay. Concerned if the flag he had so proudly hailed with the twilight's last gleaming would still be visible.

He worried whether the flag with its broad stripes and bright stars that he had seen during the perilous fight was still gallantly streaming above the ramparts of the fort. It's like a mad libs.

Key remembered. Do you think that's how they wrote it? Probably.
I would much rather

ramparts. I would much rather hear

this as the lyrics.

Perilously.

Can you imagine this is the actual lyrics? It'd be a little easier to understand what he's trying to say. Yeah.

Key remembered how the rockets red glare and the bombs bursting in air had given proof to the night that our flag was still there.

It's good that he remembered stuff in rhyme. He saw America as the land of the free.
The home.

And a nation based of the concept that all men are created equal and the home of the brave.

Those courageous men who fought and died during the American Revolution to create this land of opportunity, as well as those that had died in the current conflict.

I was like, can you see by the dumbs early? What's so proudly we hailed it at the Twilights?

It's really hard. It's really, that's a hard thing.
It's really hard. Because I'm bad, I'm bad.
You know what? You know,

I'm bad and bad. You know, sham up, shampoo, it's definitely funnier to do that.
Who's bright stripes and bright stars through the. Fuck.
The kid is not my son.

You know, but speaking of going the other way with it,

we checked out a book at the library for Emmy the other day, and it was,

gosh, do I say it? Do I put the person on blast?

Who it's by? It's a famous musician, but a famous musician. Billy Bomb Thornton.

Billy Bomb Thornton.

It was all about the crucifix with Angelia Jolie's blood in it that he wore around his neck. No, it's a famous musician.
Someone took their song and turned it into a children's book.

Oh, I feel like that's happened a number of times. It's happened a number of times.
It was so bad. And by the way, it doesn't say this is a song.
It's just, it looks just, it was a book.

I read it and I said, this is terrible. This must have been a song.

The book is put out by the musician.

It's just tickets

by

famous musician. We'll stay by this guy.
Why can't you name it? I can't remember what it was, but I remember that. It's Ziggy Marley.

Is it Three Little Birds?

No, that's Bob Merrill. Oh, sorry.

It's My Dog Romeo. Okay.
By Ziggy Marley? By Ziggy Marley. Okay, he just put it out as a song.
Someone said, let's turn this into a book. And some nice person illustrated it.

But let me just say, it's a bad book because songs aren't good books. Songs are good songs.
Yeah. But this

tough to argue. You know?

Yeah. Songs are not good books.
Songs are good songs. But this book is like, My Dog Romeo, My Dog Romeo.

Shout out to My Dog Romeo.

It's crazy. I want to hear the tune.
Well, the tune is not bad. I mean, it's just

what I'm saying. It's a trifle.
I'm longing for the tune. It's just like, my dog Romeo.

My dog Rome. And it's just a nice little song you wrote about his dog, right? Shout out to my dog Romey.

Now, how do you know it was a nice person who illustrated it?

Well, what do you, what do you, okay, if you get into children's book illustrations,

it's, I don't think you're doing it for the money. You have to be getting into the game because you love it, right? And I would think that you're a nice person.

You're so naive. Yeah.
Obviously, you do it for the money. Really? Yes, that's why I do it.

You illustrate children's books? I'm not a nice person. What? Yeah.
You've never told us about this. No, why should I? How many episodes of Threedom have we had? 280, whatever.
This has never come up.

Wouldn't a nice person have told you? Oh,

you're terrible. Not so terrible as you who insulted my work in my dog Romeo.

You did that book? Yes. And I wrote the song

for Ziggy Marley.

He doesn't even have a dog, Romeo. No, he's allergic to dogs.
What? Yes.

I said, listen, people love these dumb stupid animals.

If I write you a song about a dog, it's going to go to number one as every dog song ever has. Yeah.

What's your favorite dog song, Lauren?

Who Let the Dogs Out? Yeah. How much is that Doggy in the Window? Another good choice.
Classic.

Do they ever say?

I don't think they do. I think it won't, because you.
I think it says like, it says like, adopt, don't shop at at the end or something. Right.

You'd hate for the singer in the middle of the song to be like, oh, that's too much. Was there an answer song? I was like,

the dog

in the window costs $5.

You know what? But please adopt, don't shop, or we'll berate you forever.

It's funny you bring up answer songs because I read an article about answer songs today because I listened to a song that I couldn't believe existed.

It was Demeter Joe singing I'll be there.

And like the Jackson Vibe song. No, it's not.

The song starts, and it is clearly Stand By Me,

but it is Demita Joe

singing

an answer song to Stand By Me about how she's going to be there if he does stand by her. Because it's not that

Benny King made the mistake, classic mistake, when your song is phrased as a question. Yeah, will you stand by me? Oh, yeah.

I think I'm going to do an answer song about whether or not I'm going to stand by you. You know what? That's a great song.
Yeah. Stand by me is a great song.

And Damita Joe's I'll Be There, not as great. It's the same melody.
You're hating today. I'm a true hater.
But then I, you know, what I did read was, This land is your land. Yeah.

Started out as an answer song. To what? This land is my land.

And then he goes on to say, this land is my land. Yeah.
He like acknowledges. This land is my land.

It started out as an answer song to something. I don't remember what.
And then he

fiddled with it and then just turned it into its own thing. Good for him.
Good for him. Woody Goofy.
That's nice. Yeah.
And then Bob Dylan goes and visits him in the hospital. Yep.

Who's a more famous Woody? Woody Got three? Woodpecker. Harrelson.
Woodpecker. Harrelson.
Harrelson. Or.
Allen.

Allen. Or

Woody Woodpecker or Woody Allen? Woodrow? Woodman. Really? Yeah.
Or Woodman. The Woodban.
But

there's not another more common name that it's kind of a.

I don't think so.

What is Woody short for? I like it as a name. It's a fun name, Woody.
It's like kind of cute. Woodward Elwood Haywood.
Okay. Jablomi.

I met this great guy, Heywood Jablomi.

He's heard all the jokes.

Leave him alone.

Would you date someone named Haywood Jablomi if they refused to change their name?

Yeah, because it's not like they're saying their full name to me all the time.

Bear in mind, you're married to Mike. Would you date this person? Oh, shit.
Warren.

If they were really hot. What if you married? Hey, I met this guy.
Hey, Mike. I met this guy.
I'm so sorry to tell you this, but we can be open. His name's Haywood.
We can be open. His

name is Jablomi. His last name's Jablomi.
Actually, I would say his last name is Jablomi, which is kind of weird last name, but his first name is normal. It's Haywood.

Now,

if Mike were not in the picture and you were dating Haywood Jablomi, Mike has never been in the picture, by the way. Mike's never existed.
I'm not hurting his feelings. No, he's never existed.

He's a slide handy. Haywood Jablomi, let's just say he's really hot and really funny and interesting.
No, no, no. He's hot, funny, huge penis.

But not so big that it's uncomfortable.

This person is. No, no, no, it's great.
You just want to look at it.

Crushed you tight.

Crushed you loose.

And then what happens?

You marry him. On board so far.
You marry him. Lauren Jablomi.

That's the thing. He wants you to take his name.
Do you do it? Yeah, because with my name, it doesn't really mean anything. Mrs.
Jablomi. Mrs.
Jablomi?

And you become a teacher. How is it spelled? In a high school.
How's it spelled?

What's she teach? Hold on. What's she teach? What subject? Anatomy, I guess, from my previous dream I appeared in.
Maths. Yeah.
Maths. I'm Mrs.
Jablomi, and we're going to talk about Vast Difference.

That sounds like something on the moon heywood jablomi apollo 11 has touched down on the vast deference

morphing technology what does heywood do for a living is he a short order cook he's a glass blower okay oh well that's nice so his company is called jablomi jablomi glass hey would you blow me some glass haywood jablomi glass haywood jablomi sunglass sunglasses yeah Okay, so we call it sunglass,

but it's sort of like a little title over the top. Haywood Jablomi sunglass.

are people coming in thinking it's sunglasses and then in parentheses it says yes if they can't read they might think that but it's

they can't read yeah which isn't good they don't say i bet that means by the way if you're a podcast listener and you can't read no shame

i bet they see they they know enough to like

but they go like i bet that means sunglasses

i've seen a combination of letters like this before

i think it means sunglasses. And then they go in and they put like these big glass blowing things on their eyeballs because they think, well, this must be so hot.
It's like, ah!

Do you think Woody? These are the worst sunglasses. Do you think Woody from Toy Story is more famous than all of them? Do you think Woody from Toy Story's real name is Haywood? Probably.

And do you think his last name is Jacobi?

Is Woody's last name established? Woody.

No, Buzz Lightyear, I think, is the only one who has a first and last name. Is that a surname?

Yeah. Little Bo Peep.
Peep is maybe her surname. Oh, that's true.
Maybe Bo Peep is the name. And then Little, of course, is Little.
But I felt like Woody, we've seen his package.

Let me finish. Nobody was stopping him.
Did he come with a birth certificate? Like Cabbage Patch dolls? Oh, that'd be so cute. That'd be so cute.

Every toy should come with a birth certificate. Now, with Cabbage Patch dolls, was every single one different from the last? There were no repeating.
There were no repeating.

And there was a Christmas where we had to try to get one for my sister. I think I want to get a cabbage patch for my kids.
Do they make a movie out of it? That's fun. Yeah.
Do they sell them a lot?

All the way. Are they back? They're bringing back all the toys from when I was a kid.
You know, good. They have everything.

Carebirds, pound puppies. I hope they bring back that hot press where you made monsters.
Remember that? That started fires. Yeah.
Yeah. They burned kids and started fired.

They were cabbage patch kids when I was a kid. Let me see.

Are they bringing back that AI doll that talks about blades?

CabbagePatchKids.com. Find your baby.
Do you like BDSM?

See adopted. I hope it sounded like that.
Are you a pay pig? This is a thriving company. You know, this is actually going great.

You can pick everything under the sun.

Let's pick some. This is pretty fun.
Okay, I'll look at this later. Is anybody paying the crazy amounts of money that people are asking for beanie babies? I don't think so.

It's like, why are we acting like, why are we marking them as that much money? What are we doing?

Nobody, there's no damage. It's been proven to be false.
No.

I was doing a crossword the other day, and there was one of the first speculative

collecting things was like some fruit. No, it was a flower.
Oh, God, what was it? Tulips? It was some sort of tulip or something. Tulips were like a big collapse.
They caused like a collapse, I think.

Right. Yeah.
Like a flower. In the 16 ounces? Yeah.
There was like a craze. Yeah.
You know what? I have a whole box of beanie babies that I've been waiting for the right time. Tulip mania.

To throw away.

during the Dutch golden age, tulip mania

in 1634. Yeah,

that's a long time ago. So, wait, Lauren, you're saying you want a cabbage patch kid?

I think I want to give them to my children.

They're cute. I think I want to pull out the bean babies and, you know, maybe they'll be under the Christmas tree.
I was thinking about beanie babies,

right? Yeah, they're fucking toys. Yeah.
Yeah. I looked up the Princess Diana beanie baby because I was led to believe

there's a million of them online. It was very hard to buy at the time, though.
At the time, yes, at the time. You missed it, you missed it.
But everybody got them.

And they're also asked to eat a biscuit. Yeah.
Why not just enjoy it? Why not just keep it? Why do you have to sell it? Why can't you just love it?

Why can't you just keep it as a memory of Princess Diana, the people's princess? The woman I met. Yeah.
That's right. The woman you met.
There's a picture, right? Refresh my memory. There's a picture.

Refresh my memory.

I actually haven't deep divin enough to see myself before. There is a whole website of that day.
Oh, right, right, right, right. Sort of getty images.

This is sort of like me and the Matlock episode where, like, it's the back of my head.

Does that do anything for you? Yeah. It does.

It reminds me of going, look, it's Matlock. It reminds me of going, hey, Scott just said, look, it's Matlock.

What was the rap party like?

Yes, I was invited. For Matlock? Matlock, all I really remember is Andy Griffith saying that his lines didn't make sense.
I told you this before.

He like complained to the director that Matlock wouldn't say any of this, and then changing it to something that didn't make any sense at all. That's it.

And the director just going, like, oh, yeah, sure, yeah, whatever you want. And then I watched the episode where my face is supposed to be in it.

And his lines are totally cut out because none of them made any sense anymore.

You see, here's what I would have done. I would have left his lines in, but I would have cut to

people in the jury going, what?

Yeah,

or cut to reaction to them just having have them ADR the whole thing. This was outside a mansion, by the way.
No, no, no. You keep them in so he sees it.
Yeah.

He sees the people going, this doesn't make any fucking sense. This is him walking inside a mansion.
So you think it should have cut to a jury at another location? Yeah. Going, huh?

Paul, I think you'd make a great editor. Thank you.

And by the way, I think this was episode six or something of Madden.

Clever, you're going to start. Clever exists.

So what year did that start?

Well, they have it now. I remember I filmed it in 85, I think.

Wow. So, I just, when I look back, when I looked back and finally found out what episode ended, I was like, he was arguing about what Matlock would say by episode six or seven? Yeah.
I mean, look.

That's commitment. The character was probably pretty nil.
We're still deciding what he's going to say. And this is one of the things he's going to say.

I do think the current Matlock should bring me back. Oh, actually,

a little closer to my character. Yes, of course.
I'll wear the exact same thing. I'm a blue sport coat with my hair and in Anthony Michael Hall and weird science

kind of look. Now, does the current Matlock have any relation to the previous Matlock?

That's a good question. Thank you.

I know I was surprised by the concept of the new Matlock, which was lady.

Well, no,

there's a whole secret thing that in the pilot,

the final scene of the pilot is pilot is being aware of. Pilot!

By lot!

pilot.

I shot a pilot, not over the phone. Don't say that over the phone.
Um, but there's like a twist to that. What's the twist? Tell me.

Okay. If you don't want to hear the twist, fast forward.
A twist from a pilot of Matlock. Yes.
The new Matlock. Oh, the new one.
I actually watched a little bit of that. Can I guess? Yeah.

It's like a meet Dave where Matlock is a big robot that somebody pilots. How did you guess?

Pilots.

The twist is that she is working at this

place undercover in order to bring it down. Oh, because her

lawfulness. Yeah, she sneaks in like the first episode, right? I watched it.
She

kind of finagles her way in with badges and whatnot, and she's up there doing some sort of thing. And then they're like, wow, Yoshi.
Because she's so way about you or whatever.

She's there to bring the place down because of their

kombucha.

What am I trying to say?

Their culpability in the death of someone related to her, I believe, believe, due to OxyContin or something like that.

They're related to OxyContin.

They're related to OxyContin. Yes.
Matlock is also humorous. The sister of a pill.
So don't get it twisted. And it is supposed to be kind of funny, right? There's a little

humanness to it. Yeah.

But anyway, I want to be brought back. I want to wear the same thing.
And I want to be

at the same mansion. Yes.
Exactly. I'll do all of that, and it'll be fun for the fans.
The fans will love it. It would be so fun if the current Matlock goes back to that mansion.

It's like, this feels familiar somehow. How many actual actors that have been on the original Matlock are willing to come back to Matlock or even alive?

I'm one of the only living actors who's ever appear on Oliver. You're probably the youngest person to ever appear on Matlock.
Remember when I was, I was, by the way, younger than I was supposed to be.

I was 15 years old and you're supposed to be 16. Fuck.
I lied. Of course.
And

remember when everyone in Wizard of Oz died? Like the last living person to be in Wizard of Oz finally died? The last munchkin or whatever. I didn't know that.
That was really sad.

They're all dead? Probably. I'd think anyone who's ever in the wizard would be awesome.
What about the crew?

I hope so. Well, when did it come out? 1930,

39. So they'd have to be like a hundred-something years old.
That's allowed.

There's a law against it. Yeah.
But I think I'm more

than living people to ever be on Matlock.

They should have me back. You should at least get a plaque.
I saw

wicked

blue last night. Did you see it? I saw it about a week and a half ago or something.
It was a long time. It was too long.
Yes. Oh, we should have timed it out better.

I can't believe we saw it so far apart. I haven't seen it.
When's it going to be on Pakak? Oh, don't wait for that. Go see it in Dolby Surround Sound.
My chair was practically rumbling.

It was awesome. I loved it.
Yeah. I don't know.
I don't think I'm going to get a chance to get to a theater to see it while it's still in theaters. Well, you're on tour so long, but you know.

And then by the time you get back, tour, tour, tour, I'm on tour so long. I'm on tour so long.
Tour, tour, tour.

Tour, tour, tour, tour, so long. Tour so long.

Oh, guys, we have to take a break. Not yet.
It's really good. Guys, we have to take a break.

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Do you know? I have not. watched the John Kennedy documentary yet.
I have also not watched the Mr. Rogers documentary from a few years ago.
From from a million years ago. Yeah, for the same reasons.

I would have just seen that one. For the same reasons that I'm afraid of crying somewhere.
The John Candy one is emotional. Yeah.
But I gotta watch it. I've been watching the Eddie Murphy one.

That's great. I thought, yeah, that was really interesting.
It's really interesting. What an interesting person he is.
So interesting. I'm only halfway through, but it's really interesting.

He like he ordered himself to not be

OCD. I know, I know.
He's like, don't do that. Do you want to do that? Yeah, great.
Eddie Murphy can, apparently. Wow, wow.
Yeah. John Candy one's good.
I saw Martin Short talk after it. And

along with Macaulay Culkin, both of them on the same stage. That's a good blind.
Finally.

Moderated by, of course, Ryan Reynolds.

Oh, right. I actually wanted to go and I fan City Reynolds.
Yeah.

Yep, Fan City Reynolds. And Colin, of course, the director of the film was there.

It was good. I enjoyed it.
I really liked it. Wait, Colin Hanks directed that? Yeah.

I didn't know that.

I guess Tom Hanks knew. No, I'm not saying you're lying.
Tom Hanks didn't know that.

no Colin Hanks talked about how Tom Hanks was the only person to ask for the questions in advance.

But then he figured out that it was because he just wanted to be very prepared for his son directing

and like I actually think it's a great thing to ask the questions or to know the questions in advance so you can have a good answer.

Like sometimes on the spot in a situation like that, you might not remember something that's and would help tell a better story.

There's so many kinds of questions that I freeze up on if somebody asks me, if they want me to name a specific thing, like, what's your favorite all time? Whatever, anything like that.

Not in your favorite, that's easy. Or like, what's the funniest thing that happened when you were doing that? Or what's that? Yes, exactly.
And then once they leave, you remember.

Yeah, like I don't remember. And then you know what? I ask people questions like that all the time.
Yeah.

But it is very nice to get it. in advance.
It is. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I think people probably, I've never thought to ask for that. If it was my son doing it, I guess I would ask.

Well, because if you're Tom Hanks, you don't want to be answering some question like,

do you ever play pranks on set? Why are you so mean to me when I was a child? You want to make sure those are filtered out.

Yes, exactly.

And then also Ryan Reynolds was saying the three interviews that he had to do, I guess, because Colin Hanks did all of them, but somehow Ryan Reynolds was the only one who could get Bill Murray or something like that.

It was interesting. Weird.
Yeah, Bill Murray was the very, very last day of shooting where it was like, like,

is he open?

Is he going to do it or is he not? And

Ryan Reynolds told the story of how he got him, the message he left on the machine in order to get him to do it and all that kind of stuff. It was interesting.

So Colin Hanks, hey, would you, Tom, didn't make a

John Candy? Would you, would you talk about him in this movie? No answer. What was the magical thing that Ryan Reynolds says? Something to do with this.

One of his kids blurted something out on the phone or something. It was information.
And it worked. And it worked.
But very. You know what I bet that kid blurted out? What?

What Bill Murray said to Scarlett Tremaine?

At the end, yeah, he's like, if this kid knows that, I have to silence. The sequel code, I have to silence this child.
Yes.

He said, and it's like Grimace was the best McDonald's character.

I would be so happy. Let's hear your ranking of McDonald's.
I would be so happy if that's what he whispered to her at the end of that movie. What's the like duck one? I don't know.

Birdie. Okay, she's there's a duck birdie.
No,

it's just a bird. There was a period when they had

these like cookies that were in the shape of those characters. The McDonald Land cookies.
The shortbread, sort of. Yeah, yeah.
She's really good.

Really good cookie. Really good.

My child Palat remembers it. Do you want me to bring up McDonald's characters? Yes.

Yes. Let's get in the expanded universe.
Okay.

We have.

I'm going to the McDonald's wiki, by the way. We have hamburgler.
Robel Robble. We have Ronald McDonald himself.
Phased out. Now, we talked about her earlier.
Birdie the early bird. So that's ironic.

We talked about her earlier because she's early. That's crazy.
Mayor McCheese. Absolutely.
Fry kids. Love them.
Were the fry kids little like yarn things? Yeah, yeah. Fry kids?

I remember them as fry guys.

They're fry kids, apparently.

Mac tonight.

Mac tonight, of course. Oh, wow,

that's very 90 for sophisticated people. Officer Big Mac.
That's right.

I don't feel familiar. I guess I can do it.
Yeah. What about this guy? All cops are burgers.
Uncle O'Grimacy. Yes.
He comes

at St. Patrick's.

He comes at Shamrock Shake time. Oh, man.
You're making me want a Shamrock Shake.

I'm making you.

Guys, stop. What about the apple pie trees? Oh, yeah.
I remember the apple pie trees. What about Aunt Millie and Tilly? Nope.
No idea. There's far too many to say here, but no, there's not.

I think we have to fill time. There's no way to say it as fast as possible to the end.
Yes. Apple Pie Trees Aster, Aunt Millie and Tilly, Max and I Man and the Moon, Category Mascots.
Oh, no.

Category Mascots.

We're the category mascots.

You got to the end so fast. We help you with the library.
Is that the title of category mascots? I was wondering that.

Ben Gun, Bernice, Bertie, the Early Bird, Blather, Box, blather uh captain crook captain smallett chicken mcnuggets characters cause cause mc dd dr quizzical franklin fry kids grinder no griddle

grinder

uh dr freud

staging dr freud three phileo fishes in my area

Griddler, Grimace. Griddler.
Oh, coworker. Hamburger Patch, Hamburger, Happy, Happy Meal Gang, Headless Egg McMuffin Horseman.
Headless Egg.

Please read about the Headless Egg McMuffin Horseman.

Yeah, the

Headless Egg McMuffin Horseman. The.

Wait, was there hamburgers? There was something you said. I need you to go slower because I need to know more.

Let me establish what the headless egg muffins are.

It's a spooky mascot from McDonald's who ran as a Halloween special in 1998. He appeared in two ads in which he scared the residents of McDonald Land in order to steal their egg McMuffins.

His name was never officially announced, but fans chose the name.

Great job, by the way, fans, based on him being headless and liking egg McMuffins and being a horseman. So fans chose the name Headless Egg McMuffin Man.
Horseman. Horseman.

Based on him being headless, liking Egg McMuffins. Oh, I don't remember that at all.
No. It is not known, by the way, if he

is a person or a pumpkin man.

look i'm not worried he's he's clearly not a person they ditched him after two ads look at his arms he's not a hit yeah this guy's not a he's not no he's not a hit nice trick yeah early life the headless egg mcmuffin horseman is believed to have been raised somewhere in chicago shut up on account of his very heavy accent Are you fucking kidding me?

Well, now we need to please find the commercial. But he is also very vocal about how high SAT scores are in Illinois, backing up.

Wait, that can't be what it really was, that picture that you're showing me. It's like a real puppet.
In 98, they would have done that. I feel like it would have been a cartoon.
They hate kids.

Don't forget. What is this? Is this a real

Lego? Fucking Lego. Is this a real thing? They made a Lego headless horseman.
That's cool. Nothing to do with the Egg McMuffin, I'm sorry to say.
Let's get the commercial playing.

I feel like none of this is real because why would they know anything about his fucking accent and how high SAT scores are? Give me that Egg McMuffin or I'm going to kill you.

After his appearances in the fall of 98, the headless Egg McMuffin Horseman does not appear again. It's been 20 years since this time.
He was declared dead in 2018. This is not a real site.

Declared dead. This is crazy what you're reading, and it's actually insane.
It's gone on as long as it has.

I can't read this site anymore. He was declared dead.
Yeah.

Is this a RAP to a real one?

Is this a blog spot?

It is a McDonald's wiki fandom, yes. All right.

Yeah, you guys, you know what? Here's what you do. You

devalue journalism when you do things like this. Yeah.
And by the way, calling yourself a wiki when you're not officially associated with Wikipedia should be illegal.

And you should be tortured and executed. It should be punishable by death.

Captain Crook. I remember he was very scary.
What about the McNugget buddies? Oh, those guys are cute. Get a little of those two.
They look like McNugget buddies.

They would dress up like vampires and stuff. Do you dress up like vampires? Have fun for them.
Did you find that commercial?

I had a great toy set.

I don't even think it exists, Paul.

I had a toy set of McNuggets. I'm sure it was a Happy Meal Prize at some point.

I loved them. They were really successful.

That's Butterfingers. This is a Butterfingers.
See?

It's a horseshoe. Get your shit together.

Get your head out of your ass, Scott. Do you want to see a 1983 McDonald's Again McMuffin commercial featuring John Goodman and Megan Malali? Yeah, sure, I do.
All right. Let's see it then.

That's sixed. First, we have a

how you're gonna play an ad for something

whatever that is.

It's a rent-a-car thing.

There's only one place you can get an egg McMuffin, and now you can get six ninety-nine cents.

This is so cute. City Pollock

and Canadian style, baker and cheese.

Have an egg McMuffin, please.

There it is, Jones Goodman. No lines.

And Megan Malali looks about 13. That's such a cute

experience.

They must have bonded over that when they were together on Righteous Gemstones. Do you think they immediately were like, whoa, whoa,

whoa, oh shit,

we in an Egg McMuffin commercial. We haven't seen each other's work since then.
Yeah, I had completely lost touch with each other.

No idea.

I wonder if that's why they did it together. I would love to hear more about that from the horses' mouths themselves.
I got it. Speaking of horses, where's that fucking commercial?

What's wrong with you? Why can't you find it?

If I find it before you,

God help you, Scott. I don't think it exists.
I think it does exist. It doesn't exist.
They do exist. It doesn't exist, Adam Scott.

What? Adam Scott. That's his famous quote.
From what? From YouTube and YouTube to me.

Wow.

A show you were on, Paul. You should know.
It's famous quote.

Look at it. I can't find it.
I don't think we're going to. I think they scrubbed it from the internet.
I think they did. I think that's what Scrubs was about.

So, if we're going to rank, if I'm going to rank him, I'm going to kind of do just off the top of my head. Yeah.
What do you got? It's, it goes,

it's like, I don't want to say Grimace is the first, but he kind of is one of the most popular to talk about. Okay.

And I learned he's very popular. I learned he's a taste bud.
Yes. Oh, really? That's weird, isn't it? That's disgusting.
Yeah, that's gross. But

I'd put him, hamburgler,

fry guys,

the McNuggets as characters. Wait, are we is this quality or just recognition? It's just kind of like what I want.
It's her own personal okay, yeah, who I'm expecting to see, right?

I had Bertie I'd put later, but she is important, but she's also the only female representation we have. So we kind of

there's a fry kid that's a girl, one of the next kids. But we need we need more women in the McDonald land.
I mean, Ronald Ronald could get a revamp, you know. Rhonda, Ronda McDonald's

For Women's History Month, we're renaming our stores. Rhonda McDonough.
Welcome to McDonda Land.

I had a hamburgler stuffed,

like, not stuffed animal because he wasn't an animal, but a stuffed.

Yeah, I remember those.

Yeah, I had it. I had it for years.
So I would rank him at number one.

Mayor McGee's is classic.

That hamburger for a head is great. I think Officer, whatever his name is, who also

Officer Big Mac sort of dilutes the brand because they look too similar. But I think Mayor McChees,

and what a great name. What a great name.
So he's number two for me. They kind of just nailed it.
You're right. I forgot about him.
Ronald McDonald is garbage. He's useless, right? He's trash.

He's a little bit extra.

He founds that house to help kids, and then we're supposed to be like, oh, you're so great. Yeah.
No, thank you. Fuck off.
I know you did it just for the cred

and for the clout.

That is the best thing about him. What did you do it for? Clout or Nookie? Probably Nookie.
I did it all for the clout. Come on, the clout.

So take this shout and stick it up your. Yeah.

Stick it up your

butt. My ranking is hamburgler because that's just a great name.
I think it's just we go, let's do top three. Okay.
And I know I'm going to start over. Hamburgler, Merrimack Cheese.

And then

I'll go Grimace.

I'm going to go back on Mecton. No, Mactonite.
Mectonite. I'm going to say, oh, wow.
I'm going to say.

I don't know. Mectonite doesn't.
I don't think he exists in the same world as them. I don't think so either.
He's never seen with them. Yeah.

I think I'm going to go with McNuggets when they have eyes and stuff.

Fry kids.

Birdie. Just fucking shit out.
Wow. But I would, I'd be happy if that was all I saw.
I'm going to say my number one

is Merrimack Cheese.

Yeah. He's good.

Because he combines, I like when they combine

a sort of human form

with just a fucking impossible head. When was the last time a mayor wore a sash? It's been a long time.
I think it should be required to be a single person. He should bring a sash.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I think anyone involved in government. Mayor McCheese.
Then Grimace. Anyone in Doge?

Grimace is gorgeous.

Yeah.

He's plush. You know what I mean?

He looks luxurious. I don't like commenting on people's bodies.
He's got a great body.

He's kind of like... He's got that real hourglass figure, but it's just at the bottom.
His measurements are

75, 75, 75. No, I think his measurements are.
Maybe if you're 5'2 ⁇ , I think his measurements are 2.

That's his head. 36, 80.

Two.

And then number three is hamburgler. I don't even want to put him in the top 10 because he's a criminal.
He steals hamburgers. Yeah, he's kind of stressful.

We need to decriminalize stealing hamburgers.

You know what? You're the type of person who would have chased after 24601 for that bread. It's kind of a Robin Hood situation.
Like, let him have it.

How do we know this? I think the corporation can handle a few steals. What if hamburgler is like your friends and neighbors?

I think if they were to pay their employees better, then I would say like, oh, okay, maybe he shouldn't be stealing. Now we're going to the real world? Okay.
Hamburglar number one.

And he should be also the ham murderer he should be taking

and shooting the ceos of mcdonald's the luigi mangiono yes mcdonald's okay yeah i want to redo my list okay it goes hamburgler may mc cheese grimace wow everyone else i said is nowhere to be seen like they're their exiled radical community wow you you're calling for genocide no i'm calling for i want to eat nuggets and fries i'm actually getting hungry talking about it Yeah, we're doing, by the way, we shouldn't be talking about this right before dinner time.

It's dangerous.

I could

fly right through a McDonald's.

Fucker.

I already made my dinner because I made it for lunch. Oh, good.

I already made my dinner because I made it for lunch. Is it pancakes for dinner? Yeah, it's pancakes in a big bucket at my fridge.

When I was a kid, the idea of breakfast for dinner was very exciting, and now it disgusts me.

It's just nothing. Yeah.
I might have a bowl of cereal late at night.

I could sooner eat

leftover dinner for breakfast than eat fresh breakfast for dinner. No, that's gross.
I would eat cereal. I would eat cereal at like 11 o'clock as a sort of, you know, healthy snack.

Would you for one year

rotate your meals so you're eating lunch for breakfast,

dinner for lunch, and breakfast for dinner? No. Just for one year.
You wouldn't do it? No. Why? Dinner for lunch would be really heavy.
I think because I just told you.

Why should it matter what time of day you're eating? Why do you think they made it the way it is?

Because it matters.

Why matters, Scott? They say when you're eating breakfast, you should eat like a king. When you're eating lunch, you should eat like a prince.

And when you're eating dinner, you should eat like a pauper. Who the fuck says this? That's annoying.
Who says this?

People, like,

if you want it, like, to be healthy. Did you make this up? So wait, it's King, Prince, Pauper.
King, Prince, Pauper. That's going to be like, that's a.

The prince doesn't eat as good as the king.

That's his own flesh and blood. I know, but he's like a kid.

How, how old is this prince? Nine. Let's call it, let's no, let's call him eight.

Okay,

all right. Now I understand.
So now do you get it? Isn't it wild the difference between an eight-year-old diet and a nine-year-old diet? Well, a pauper diet is like, that's the latest trend right now.

Pauper diet. Jog popper.
Yeah.

Maybe you eat harmonica. You You tip your mouth shut all day, and then for dinner, you eat a crust.

But what, but it, you know, sometimes Emmy will say, like, for breakfast, she'll say, like, oh, I want this, you know, like whatever we had for dinner the night before.

And it's, and you, you immediately balk at it and go like, that's not breakfast food. Why? It doesn't matter.

Anyone can eat whatever they want at any time. What if your parents did that? I want to eat this for dinner.
Bock, bok, bark. Oh, do you? So you can eat shit.
I'm going to say something, Scott.

You quote Emmy a lot on on this show, and we're just taking your word for it. I know.

How do we know she's saying these things? She needs to be able to offer a word.

How do we know you are not mischaracterizing the things that she says? Am I putting words into her mouth?

Do you understand the words that are coming out of mine?

Eddie Murphy said he regretted

not doing Rush Hour.

He was apparently offered that. I do too.

Rush Hour, Ghostbusters, and

I forget the third one. He had three.
I wish I'd done the movie. Susan Kane.

Yeah.

I wasn't offered that. I just wish I'd done it.
Are we just taking his word for that?

Fuck. So someone else might wish that he'd done those.
Yeah. Did he ever talk about like, if I could swap Ghostbusters for Norbit, I would.

He actually likes Norbit, I think. He does.

As does Brian Wilson. Did Brian Williams.
Oh, Brian Wilson loved Norbit. Norbit.
Yes. It was probably the best movie he's ever seen, and it's the most recent movie he's ever seen.

All right, we have to take a break.

Uh-oh, the fashion police are here. Can you hear those sirens? Yeah, I can.
Boy, they're here to lock me up for what I'm wearing. I can get you out of this situation.
On bail?

Even better. I won't have to go to fashion jail in the middle.
First exoneration. Oh,

if you listen to me. Fashion pardon.
You'll get a fashion pardon. Okay, I'm listening.
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I'm not wearing it right now, which is why I think the fashion police are here. You should be wearing it.
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Do you mean like five-fourths where it costs more? No, no, no, the good one. Oh, the good fractions.
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It's everything you actually want to wear, built to hold up season after season after season after season. I got some stuff from Quince, Paul.
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I got a Mongolian cashmere crew neck sweater. Nice.
I'm a big fan of that. It's great for when you want to feel cozy, but still look, you know, at your best.
I wear it all the time.

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My wife keeps stealing my Quince items.

I have a wonderful soft cashmere hoodie that I got from them. Oh.

And she has claimed it as her own, which that is honestly very aggravating. My wife has also been going into our bank accounts and stealing money from my own bank account that I have kept secret.

And I'm really concerned about that. My wife has literally taken food out of my mouth.
Oh, no. Like, I put a forkful of food in my mouth, and she's taken it out of it.

That's the right amount, as far as I'm concerned. A forkful.
That's how I eat food. By the fork full.
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And we're back.

It's time for what I, a little word that I have coined.

And it's. I'm interested in hearing this.
It's a word that combines. It's a portmanteau.

It's a portmanteau. And it combines the word.
Is it a portmanteau a portmanteau? It better not be. Fuck it.
I'll be so mad. Oh, my God.
I'll be so mad. That'll be insane.
Of Portugal, the man,

and dinosaur toes. And my toe.

It's a portmanteau of freedom and feature. Okay.

And it's something that I call a threecher.

Okay.

Yeah. That's fine.
I honestly would have called it something else, but I don't know. What would you have called it? I mean, for me, what comes to mind immediately is a boostero.

I don't know what it means or what I'm talking about. Okay.

I'm fine to take criticism. Do you know what makes me think of when you say that, Lauren, is posteriophonic.

That's probably what I'm talking about. Yeah.
The most Tony-recognized play of all time. Tony, recognize this.
Tony, Tony, turn around. Give an award to the show you love the most.

Tony, Tony, turn around. You can find me in the ground.
If I'm lost, don't you cry. I'll be up there in the sky.
Tony, Tony, can't you see? I'm in love with only thee. Tony, Tony, be my bride.

Tony, Tony, be in the slide. Slide on down to hell, Tony.

Tony, we hope you're in hell.

Well, we're going to play a three-choke right now. We are.
This one was submitted. I know we played it recently, but we enjoy it.

It was submitted by Luc Benson, and it's called I've Got Some Bad Tunes. Thank you, Luc Besson.

Luc Besson. And the way it works is that it's a game.
I don't believe it's him. You don't believe it's the person who gave us Le Professionnale? Leon, Le Professionnale? I don't think.
I think

that person's got too much on his plate right now. You don't think this is the same person who gave us the fifth element? I don't believe so.
Don't believe that we want to be associated with him.

Are people trying to to say that the fifth element is a good movie now? I don't know. I feel like they are.

I have no idea. I feel like they are.
I feel like they're not. It's been on the message boards recently, the fifth element message boards.

It feels like the tide hasn't turned yet where they're saying it's a good movie yet. It's just message boards devoted to it being a bad movie.
There is a message board.

Let me find which one it is specifically because I, you know, you know how you click on, if you're on Reddit, you click on something once and then it's like, oh, you're interested in this. Of course.

Yeah, measured twice. It is just the R Saturday Night Live message board.
And

that's happened to me. There is a lot.
What I've seen in the few times since I've opened up Reddit and that has been suggested to me,

people trying to examine the good nights and see if people are having fights with each other. Right.
Wow.

Let me just tell you, no one's ever having fights with any.

And they're not doing it on TV. Yeah.
These people are fucking certain

that people have beef with each other. It's really wild.
Wow. It's really wild.
Yeah.

Although that said, if I were ever on SNL, I'd fucking stiff arm everybody. I would definitely make people think I was having a fight with him.
Yeah. Yeah.
For sure. I'd love it.

I would just look straight up at the sky and just act like I couldn't wait to. And if anyone ever came over to me to hug me, I'd just go, uh-uh.
I would just get on my phone. Yeah.
Yeah.

I get on my phone for the good nights. Yeah.

And I would ask that whatever I was typing be put onto the screen over the credits. Yes.
So I would like make fun of everyone's names in the credits. I'd be like,

that's too engaged for me.

You know what I mean? Because then it seems like you're helping out the show. That's true.
I'd like to help. Oh, that's funny.
I'd like to help out the show, though. Oh, I don't want to.

You want it, really? I want the show to help me. Okay.
Not the other way around. Hey, guys.

Do you want to play that game that we were talking about? Let's play that game in a second, man. Okay, this is: I've got some bad tunes.
It sure is. Luc Besson.

It's not Luc Besson. And

one player chooses a scenario where someone has to deliver bad news. The other

chooses a song or a tune that the other players will know. And the third has to

get both of them and has to deliver the bad news to the tune or melody of the chosen song. That's exactly right.
Yeah. So how are we going to? I'm going to text you, Scott, bad news.

Okay, Paul, you text me the song. Then we're going to go clockwise after that

it's as easy as this three three tours are pretty easy when you think about it yeah

especially the typing part that's where that's i'm done

um all right

oh my god what are you guys doing here

You invited us over for breakfast. Oh, yeah.
How's everything going? Is that today?

yeah yeah it's today i oh we're gonna have lunch for breakfast remember oh god that's right i forgot to order the blts yeah you forgot you really let us down i i can probably get a diner to make a couple of blts get a diner to make i mean i'll just leave your house yeah why would we stay around for that well i

look this is all just a pretense because i

I have something I

this a pretense you invited us over to wake you up yeah to have I didn't I forgot this was going to happen. I was supposed to be woken up already.
What's the pretense?

My butler was going to wake me up already, but I gave him the day off.

I gave him the day off today. Anderson.
Like a nice employer. Anderson didn't come in.
Didn't come in today? It's Anderson from the Pea Soup.

Anderson, ever since Anderson's Pea Soup place closed, he's had nowhere to go. Wait, it closed? Yeah.

When did that happen? Pretty recently in the last five years. I think the pandemic must have hit him hard or something.

I thought they were going to be around forever. I know.
Anyway, Anderson, he chases me around with bowls of pea soup all day. And I was just like, you know what? You should fire him.

That sounds insane. I hate to do it.
The soup is too good.

Oh,

yeah.

Okay.

Anyway, pretense. The whole...
I invited you guys over because I wanted to.

I have... To be honest, I have some bad, I mean, some bad news.
Okay. No.

Yeah. That you invited us over this morning to hear? I felt like I couldn't say it over the phone at a reasonable hour.
I had to tell it to you. And you couldn't set an alarm.
We woke you up.

I forgot this was today. What's going on, dude? What the fuck is wrong with you? What's going on? My butler has my schedule.
I told you I was going to be able to do it. I gave him the day off.

Okay, but this is not weighing heavily on the business. What's wrong with you? Yeah, what's the best? You seem fine.
Just out with it.

There

is something I have to tell you.

You are not gonna

like it.

But there is something wrong with me.

I'm gonna tell it to you now.

There is something I want to tell you. Happy birthday.
And it's something

I'm gonna tell you now. Okay.

It is something.

It is something

I am gonna

tell you now.

I broke my butt bones,

I broke my butt bones,

I broke all my butt bones.

Join me, guys.

I

broke

my butt bones.

How? Wow.

I sat down too either too fast or too slow.

Too fast fast or too slow. Too slow doesn't seem possible.
Gotta go. Okay, too slow.
End of the scene.

All right, I'm going to text

Paul. Yeah.
What is wrong with him?

Lauren is going to text

Paul a song.

And Paul is going to sit there like the special boy he is

just receiving all of this information. Done.

Okay.

One sec. A little mad at you.

Sorry about that.

All right.

All right. We're ready.

Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Did I wake you up?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was just dozed off.
You're not supposed to be sleeping on the park bench. I know.
I didn't mean to. I just

mean to?

Yeah, I didn't mean to. I just was sitting here and I dozed off.
Beds are for sleeping in, not park benches, sir. Hey, hey, hey, can you leave this man alone? Who are you?

I'm just a concerned citizen. I don't like the way you're talking.
I'm concerned. Very.

Okay. I don't like the way you're talking to this man.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
I own this this park. I own this town.
I thought this was a public park, and I thought it's a town. You're Mrs.

Towney? Jablomi. Oh, Mrs.
Jabloni. You own Jabloniville? Yeah, I do.
Jabloni. I missed it.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm out of source. What's going on with you? What's going on?

I've just been up all night. Maybe I was too hard.
I don't know anything about you, but what's going on with you right now?

I haven't slept well because I heard something terrible about someone, and I've just been sick with worry and I just, I guess I just like, I got, was so exhausted, I fell asleep. You know what?

Say no more. Okay.
No, say more. Thank you.
I'm going to go back to sleep. No, sing more.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Can you sing it?

Oh, you're not interested in my bad news, are you?

I'm really interested. And actually, it's kind of the one thing I have on my to-do list is to find someone with bad news and talk to them.
Are you on a scavenger or not? Yeah. Oh, my God.

What if I got a few of you? I saw two squirrels kissing. Fun.
And I ate an orange peel out of the trash.

Those are the only

three things on the list? Okay.

Wow. Okay.
So. Why did you assume she's at the end of the scavenger hunt? You got to start.
I thought you mentioned that you. I might have, but I don't know what I say.
Yeah.

Good point. Yeah.
Good point.

Sir, you can either tell

us your bad news. I own the park and she owns the town.

All right. Or we can help you.
Or you can. Maybe you can.
I'll tell my story and then you tell me what you think. Okay.

My aunt is in some trouble and it looks really grim.

She just went to her doctor, and this is what she heard from him.

He said, Your liver's fucked up,

you don't have long to live.

You shouldn't drink so much because your liver gave all it's got to give

upside inside out. You got liver cancer.

We can't help you out.

You've got liver cancer.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
So, in the inside and the outside, inside inside and outside of her liver. Oh, no.
This is terrible news for your aunt, you say? Yeah. Yeah.
That's awful. Is it?

Do you think it's like hereditary? Do you think you might end up with it?

Well, like she's possessed by the devil, uh, yeah, no, it's not like running around on the ceiling, it's not like a movie like that. No,

okay, I don't know her, so I'm sorry. This is regular old liver cancer.
I'm sorry, uh, sorry to this man.

I'm just gonna keep going because there are, I just unfolded the paper, and there is some more stuff I have to get, so I gotta go find what do you have to still get?

So, you can't have to find someone else's list with unchecked boxes. Oh, no, I have to have gotten that first.
I have to do just snatch it out of one of your competitors' hands.

I have to find a car with three wheels.

And I have to find a horse with four legs. Well, because a car with four wheels has three wheels.
Yeah, exactly. And

a horse with five legs has four legs. Yep.
That's good stuff.

So you guys can't help me with my aunt. No.

Oh, wait. I can cure diseases.
That's right. I forgot.

Where's your aunt? Right over there.

Does she mind coming over here? I don't know if she can move. Oh, well, forget it.
Look how jaundice she is. Yeah.
She forgot shape.

Yeah, you shouldn't have brought her to the park, especially all night. She followed me here.
Is she a private investigator? Yeah. I'm cheating on my wife.
Oh,

bro. My uncle.
Oh, up top.

And

see.

All right. Now I'm going to text Lauren the song, and Paul is going to.

Yes.

All right. We are in the middle of texting each other.

I have

texted Lauren. Paul is currently in the process of texting Lauren.
He is pressing buttons on his phone. I'm presuming this is the typewriter function on the text app

that is on his phone. And

we're all set. All right.

It's always fun to be on the bus.

Excuse me. It's always fun to be on the bus.
I couldn't agree more. You may meet all kinds of interesting shorts.
Like we've just met. Who are you? I'm the driver.

Oh, and that explains why you're walking around.

It's on autopilot. Honestly, this is a Waymo.
This is exciting. And what's your name? My name is

Taninsa. Hi, Tanitsa.
Timalinsa. Hi, Tanitsa Moca.
Come on. Cocomelon.
Cocomelon.

My name's Bluey. No relation.
Bluey.

What's your name, Driver? Ba. Ba.

No relation. To

any other ba.

I'm loving it.

No relation to Mac Tonight. Mayor McCheese, Screamus.
Brian Cox. Any of them.
Yeah, Brian Cox. Although, to be honest, I am related to Brian Cox.
It's okay.

We're

father and son. You don't have to tell us.
We're father and son. It's all right.
It's your business. It is my business, but I'm proud of it.
I'm proud of him. I'm proud of my dad.

I've got something I want to tell you. Tenitz, Manitza, Coco Bell, you look down in the dopes.
Well, yeah, I am.

Sorry, I just have to stop the bus here and let people on. Can you hold off on the bad news for one second?

Come on in.

Oh, it's out, sir, I was sorry.

Sorry, exec change.

All left.

All right. It's just us again.
Okay, don't do that again.

It's part of my job. Not anymore.

Are you hijacking this bus? I own the bus company. I own the towel.
I know.

My name's Hannah Jablomi. I look like a normal lady.

But I've got secrets that you wouldn't expect from me to tell you. I love this melody.
I know.

I'm just an old gray-haired lady.

But there are things I have to tell you that you're not gonna like.

I'm having wicked dreams,

things aren't quite what they seem.

I'm not the coolest lady you've ever really seen.

I'm gonna tell you now

about something that you should know.

I can't believe it either, but this is really real.

What have I done?

I'm a lady in trouble.

Cause I'm in the Epstein files. Oh,

I'm just not having fun.

And there's no more smiles.

I'm in the Epstein files with my name in the files.

You're gonna find my name all in the files right now.

My name is all over the files that you know.

My name is the one that's in the Epstein files. Epstein files.

Oh, I'm so sorry. And it was just because I delivered groceries at the wrong time.
That shouldn't count.

I know, but they don't care. Well,

I'm here to drive you to jail.

Do we stop off at the island?

Of course. Cut chunk.
What's happening with that island, by the way? What's going on? I know. Is it just standing there empty or filled with prisoners there?

can we do something nice with it? Yeah, like I'd love to be in the files for going to the island and doing something nice. Make it making up litter.

Make it a place where you know, people of age you can have sex with. Oh, my God.
And anyone they want. Yeah.

Look, look, look. That was, I've got some bad tooth.
That was, I got traded. That really was.

And listen,

if you feel like celebrating the holidays in a fun way, December 21st, that's Sunday, I am doing Variatopia at Lodge Room in Highland Park.

And it's also going to be live streamed to the world. Go to variatopia.com for tickets.
And also, might as well start telling this to people, FS Sketchfest. I'm going to be there in January.

We're going to be the 15th through the 18th.

Yeah.

Doing a bunch of shows, Variatopia, Spontorco, the Neighborhood Listen Live, The Thrilling Adventure Hour. Please come out and see those shows.
Go to paulftomkins.com slash live.

Hey, Threedom fans, holiday cards are back. Buy them for someone you think needs to go to hell this holiday season.
I can think of a few. We also have Threedom t-shirts.
We have the I Work Here tea.

We have the Corporate Lady How to Talk Tea. And

the Pizza Robot Tea is back in stock. For holiday gifts for your fellow piss pigs or yourself, pig.

Go to kinshipgoods.com slash Threedom. If you're a self-pig, we want to hear from you.
Yep. Do it up.

And anything from you? You know, I'm just living my life. Yeah, hell yeah.
You're out there in these streets. Yep.
Yep, looking for Haywood. I'm just too busy right now to do shows.

I've been very busy right now. Yep.
Yeah. I understand.

All right. We'll see you

in hell. In hell.
Bye. Bye.

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