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Hey, everybody, I'm Mandy Potenkin. And I'm Catherine Grody.
And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us.
Many of you have asked for our advice. Tell me, what is wrong with you people?

Don't listen to us. Our Take It or Leave It Advice show is out every Wednesday, premiering October 15th, a Lemonada media original.

Freedom!

Freedom!

Freedom!

How do you like me now?

Oh,

sick

and you see

by the dawn's early

light.

What so proudly we hailed

at the twilight.

A bunch of

I've never heard of this song. Oh, yeah, it's a classic.
All of those words, they don't mean anything anymore. Let's change them, let's update them.

Dang, that's do you mean like we don't live up to it anymore? You're saying those actual words are just meaningless.

But I mean, all these words, like, yes, I technically know what they mean, but let's update them to like real words that people use now. Say, you know, see, keep it.
Oh, say, did you see

by the dawn's early light

what so proudly we hailed as the twilight's last gleaming? Come on, just speak English. It still doesn't say what I'm supposed to have seen.
Yeah. You're giving me all these descriptions.

What do you think it is?

I think it turns out to be the flag, I think. I think that's the thing.
I've sung that so many times. I don't even know what he's talking about.
Is the star-spangled banner a flag?

So,

as a sentence, right? As a way of getting people to say, did you see the flag? You're saying, oh,

can you see by the dawn's early light? Jeopardy Jeopardy rules or something. What? So proudly we hail by the Twilight Flash Gleaming.
Who's brought stripes? What are you fucking talking about?

Just say, did you see that flag? Broad stripes. Seven bright stars

through the perils fight

ramparts we

hailed

gleaming

and the rocket

and the rocket and the ragged air

the bombs were bursting in there

gave

proof through the night

that our flag was still

because there were fireworks, but it was mostly probably bombs.

And that proved that our flag was still there because we could see it in the light of the bombs. They mentioned bombs in it.
I don't know how many national anthems mention bombs.

It makes sense for us. But I mean,

it's not like we were sending the bombs off, at least. It's like

getting bombs. Yeah, exactly.
Like, it would be weird to have a national anthem that was like, and we'll bomb the shit out of you

if you try to fuck with us. All right.
I want to see how long it takes to get to the idea that we're looking at a flag. Singing by the answer.

Say it as fast as you can.

Like Tom Rashida Jr. Yeah.

All All right. I'm going to sing the national anthem as fast as anyone ever has.
Oh, say you can see by the non-they, what's Riley?

I really can't do it. I want to do it.
Okay, you do it. I'll move in.

Okay, so by the time it gets to gave proof through the night that our flag was still there, they never say.

Did you see that flag? Did you see that flag? Yeah.

Then they say, as if they'd said it, o say, does that star-spangled banner yet As if they had said, You never told me what it was, dude.

Ose, does that star-spangled banner still wave

Terrible podcast

in 1814. Francis Scott came to the city.
We took a latel trip. Wrote

defense of Fort McHenry. The poem was later put to the tune of John Stafford Smith's song, the Anacreontic Song.

Not every poem has to be modified somewhat and retitled the Star-Spangled Banner because the Anacreontic song was a shitty ass name. It was a dream.

Congress proclaimed the Star-Spangled Banner the U.S. National Anthem in guess what year over under?

1925.

What 1925. Sorry, what was the question? When did they make it the national anthem? National Anthem.
Oh,

I bet this has been the national anthem since 3 AD.

1931.

Pretty close. I was saying, can you see the Johnson? What's the privately we held twice last evening?

Oh, the ramps. We watched the countless streaming rockets, their bombs were standing proof of the night that our flag was still there.

I said, is the source of the woman and free from the home of the brave and the shorter? And I say, I don't know this part.

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep, where the foe's haughty host is dread silence reposing. Oh, I forgot about that.

What is that which the breeze or the towering steep as it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?

Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam and full glory reflected now shines on the stream.

To the star-spangled banner, oh, long may it wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

I mean, there's still two more paragraphs, but I feel like

one's real bad, I think. Yeah, that will okay.
We want to keep going.

Where is that band who so vauntingly swore that the havoc of war and the battle's confusion, a home and a country should leave us no more? Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps, pollution.

No refuge could save the hireling and slave from the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave. And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

It's honestly, it sounds like a bad song. It sounds like it's a bad omen.
Yeah.

Oh, thus it be it ever when free men shall stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation, blessed with the victory and peace.

May the heaven-rescue land praise the power that hath made and preserved us a nation. Then conquer we must when our cause is just, and this be our motto.
God is our trust.

And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave over the land of the of freedom of bring. They honestly

made the most, they made the most of that.

Okay, there's an explanation that eight. There's eight, that is

there is a there is a under this lyric under these lyrics, there is a uh sort of explainer as to what the story was. Okay, what's the story? And they have put in morning glory in italics

the parts of the story that appear in the anthem itself. Okay,

So

Francis Scott Key awoke on September 14th by the dawn's early light. Thanks.
Okay. Concerned if the flag he had so proudly hailed at the Twilight's Last Gleaming would still be visible.

He worried whether the flag, with its broad stripes and bright stars that he had seen during the perilous fight, was still gallantly streaming above the ramparts of the fort. It's like a mad libs.

Key remembered. Do you think that's how they wrote it? Probably.
I would much rather

ramparts. I would much rather hear

this as the lyrics.

Perilously.

Can you imagine this is the actual lyrics? It'd be a little easier to understand what he's trying to say. Yeah.

Key remembered how the rockets red glare and the bombs bursting in air had given proof to the night that our flag was still there.

It's good that he remembered stuff in rhyme. He saw America as the land of the free.
The home.

And a nation based of the concept that all men are created equal and the home of the brave.

Those courageous men who fought and died during the American Revolution to create this land of opportunity, opportunity, as well as those that had died in the current conflict.

I was like, Can you see by the nons early? Like what so Bradley we hailed at the Twilights,

it's really hard. It's really that's a hard to really because I'm bad, I'm bad, you know, you know,

I'm bad at bad, you know, sham up, shampoo, it's totally funnier to do that. Who's brought stripes and bright stars through the

kids on my son,

you know. But speaking of going the other way with it, I uh, we checked out a book at the library for Emmy the other day, and it was uh, um,

gosh, do I say, do I put the person on blast?

Who it's by? It's a famous musician, but a famous musician. Billy Bomb Thornton.

Billy Bomb Thornton. Yeah.
It was all about the crucifix with Angelina Jolie's blood in it that he wore around his neck. No, it was, it's a famous musician.

Someone took their song and turned it into a children's book. Oh, I feel like that's happened a number of times.
It's happened a number of times.

It was so bad. And by the way, it doesn't say this is a song.
It's just, it looks just it was a book. I read it and I said, This is terrible.
This must have been a song.

The book is put out by the musician, uh, it's just

written by

famous musician. We had a book by this guy.
Why can't you name it? I can't remember what it was, but I remember that. It's Ziggy Marley.

Is it Three Little Birds?

No, that's Bob. Oh, sorry.

It's My Dog Romeo. Okay.
By Ziggy Marley? By Ziggy Marley. Okay, he just put it out as a song.
Someone said, let's turn this into a book. And some nice person illustrated it.

But let me just say, it's a bad book because

songs aren't good books. Songs are good songs.
Yeah. But this book.
Scott, that's tough to argue. You know?

Yeah. Songs are not good books.
Songs are good songs. But this book is like, My Dog Romeo, My Dog Romeo.

Shout out to My Dog Romeo.

It's crazy. I want to hear the tune.
Well, the tune is not bad. I mean, it's just what I'm saying.
It's a trifle. I'm longing for the tune.
So it's just like my dog, Romey.

My dog Rome. It's just a nice little song he wrote about his dog, right? Shout out to my dog Romeo.

Now, how do you know it was a nice person who illustrated it?

Well, what do you, what do you, okay, if you get into children's book illustrations,

I don't think you're doing it for the money. You have to be getting into the game because you love it, right? And I would think that you're a nice person.

You're so naive. Yeah.
Obviously, you do it for the money. Really? Yes, that's why I do it.

You illustrate children's books? I'm not a nice person. What? Yeah.
You've never told us about this. No, why should I? How many episodes of freedom have we? 280, whatever.
This has never come up.

Wouldn't a nice person have told you? Oh,

you're terrible. Not so terrible as you who insulted my work in my dog Romeo.
You, you did that book? Yes. And I wrote the song

for Ziggy Marley.

He doesn't even have a dog, Romeo. No, he's allergic to dogs.
What? Yes.

I said, listen, people love these dumb stupid animals.

If I write you a song about a dog, it's going to go to number one, as every dog song ever has. Yeah.

What's your favorite dog song, Lauren?

Who Let the Dogs Out? Yeah. How much is that Doggy in the Window? Another good choice.
Classic.

Do they ever say?

I don't think they do. I think it went because you

say adopt, don't shop at the end or something. Right.
You'd hate for the singer in the middle of the song to be like, oh, that's too much. Was there an answer song?

The dog in the window costs $5.

You know what? But please, adopt, don't shop, or we'll berate you forever. It's funny you bring up answer songs because I read an article about answer songs today

because I listened to a song that I couldn't believe existed.

It was Demeter Joe singing I'll be there.

And like the Jackson Vibe song. No, it's not.

The song starts, and it is clearly Stand By Me,

but it is Demeter Joe singing

an answer song to Stand By Me about how she's going to be there if he does stand by her. Because it's not that Benny King made the mistake, classic mistake, when your song is phrased as a question.

Yeah, will you stand by me? Oh, yeah. I think I'm going to do an answer song about whether or not I'm going to stand by me.
You know what? That's a great song. Yeah.
Stand by me is a great song.

Antonia Joe's I'll Be There, not as great. It's the same melody.
You're hating today. I'm a true hater.
But then I, you know, what I did read was, This land is your land. Yeah.

Started out as an answer song. To what? This land is my land.

And then he goes on to say, this land is my land. Yeah.
He like acknowledges. This land is my land.

It started out as an answer song to something.

I don't remember what. And then he fiddled with it and then just turned it into its own thing.
Good for him. Good for him.
Woody Goo3. That's nice.
Yeah.

And then Bob Dylan goes and visits him in the hospital. Yep.
Who's a more famous Woody? Woody Got Three? Woodpecker. Harrelson.
Woodpecker. Harrelson.
Harrelson. Or Alan.

Alan. Or

who's the worst Woody? Woody Woodpecker or Woody Allen? Woodrow? Woodban. Really? Yeah.
Or Woodman. The Woodban.
But

there's not another more common name that it's kind of a. I don't think so.

What is Woody short for?

I like it as a name. It's a fun name, Woody.
It's like kind of cute. Woodward, Elwood, Haywood.
Okay. Jablomi.

I met this great guy, Heywood Jablomi.

He's heard all the jokes.

Leave him alone.

Would you date someone named Haywood Jablomi if they refused to change their name?

Yeah, because it's not like they're saying their full name to me all the time.

Bear in mind, you're married to Mike. Would you date this person? Oh, shit.
Warren.

If they were really hot. What if you married? Hey, I met this guy.
Hey, Mike, I met this guy. I'm so sorry to tell you this, but we can be open.
His name's Heywood. We can be open.
His

name is Jiblomi. His last name's Jiblomi.
Actually, I would say his last name is Jiblomi, which is kind of weird last name, but his first name is normal. It's Haywood.

Now, if you were to, if you were to date, if Mike were not in the picture and you were dating Haywood Jablomi, Mike has never been in the picture, by the way. Mike's never existed.

I'm not hurting his feelings. No, he's never existed.
But

Haywood Jablomi, let's just say he's really hot and really funny and interesting. No, no, no.
He's hot, funny, huge penis.

But not so big that it's uncomfortable. It's just personal.
No, no, no, it's great. You just want to look at it.

Crushed you tight.

crushed you lose he he

he and then what happens you marry you marry him on board so far you marry him

jablomi he wants that's the thing he wants you to take his name do you do it yeah because with my name it doesn't really mean anything mrs jablomi mrs jablomi

and you become a teacher how's it high school how's it spelled

What's she teach? Hold on. What's she teach? What subject? Anatomy, I guess, from my previous dream I appeared in.
Yeah. Maths.
I'm Mrs. Jablomi, and we're going to talk about Vas Deference.

That sounds like something on the moon. Haywood Jablomi.
Apollo 11 has touched down on the vast difference.

Morphing technology. What does Haywood do for a living? Is he a short-order cook? He's a glass blower.
Okay. Oh, well, that's nice.
So his company is called

Jablomi Glass.

Hey, would you blom me some glass? Haywood Jablomi Glass. Haywood Jablomi sunglass.
Sunglass. Yeah.
Okay. So we call it sunglass,

but it's sort of like a little title over the top: heywood jablomi, sunglasses. Are people coming in thinking it's sunglasses? And then in parentheses, it says yes.

If they can't read, they might think that, but it's

can't read. Yeah, which isn't good.
They always say, I bet that means by the way, if you're a podcast listener and you can't read, no shame.

I bet they see, they know enough to like,

but they go, like, I bet that means sunglasses.

I've seen a combination of letters like this before. I think it means sunglasses.

And then they go in and they put like these big glass-blowing things on their eyeballs because they think, well, these must be so hot.

Do you think Woody? These are the worst sunglasses. Do you think Woody from Toy Story is more famous than all of them? Do you think Woody from Toy Story's real name is Haywood?

Probably. And do you think his last name is Jabobi?

Is Woody's last name established? Woody.

No, Buzz Lightyear, I I think, is the only one who has a first and last name. Is that a surname?

Yeah. Little Bo Peep.
Peep is maybe her surname. Oh, that's true.
Maybe Bo Peep is the name. And then Little, of course, is little.
But I felt like Woody, we've seen his package Ng.

Let me finish. Nobody was stopping here.

Did he come with a birth certificate? Like Cabbage Patch dolls? Oh, that'd be so cute. That'd be so cute.

Every toy should come with a birth certificate. Now, with Cabbage Patch dolls, was every single one different from the last? There were were no repeating.
There were no repeating.

And there was a Christmas where we had to try to get one for my sister. I think I want to get a cabbage patch for my kid.
Do they make a movie out of it? That's fun. Yeah.
Do they sell them a lot?

Jingle all the way. Are they back? They're bringing back all the toys from when I was a kid, you know.
Oh, good. They have everything.

Carebirds, pound puppies. I thought they bring back that hot press where you made monsters.
Remember that? That started fires? Yeah. Yeah.
They bring kids and started fired.

They were cabbage patch kids when I was a kid. Let me see.

Are they bringing back that AI doll that talks about blades?

CabbagePatchKids.com. Find your baby.
Do you like BDSM?

See, adopted. I hope it sounded like that.
Are you a pay pig? This is a thriving company. You know, this is actually going great.

You can pick everything under the sun.

Let's pick some. This is pretty fun.
Okay, I'll look at this later. Is anybody paying the crazy amounts of money that people are asking for beanie babies? I don't think so.

Why are we acting like, why are we marking them as that much money? Yeah, what are we doing? But nobody, that's no doubt that's been proven to be false.

No, there was one of the, I was doing a crossword the other day, and there was one of the first speculative uh

uh like collecting things was like some fruit. No, it was a flower.

Oh, God, what was it? Tulips, it was some sort of tulip or something. Tulips were like a big

they caused like a collapse, I think, right? Yeah, like a flower.

Yeah, something there was like a craze, yeah. You know what? I have a a whole box of beanie babies that I've been waiting for the right time.
Tulip mania. To throw away.

During the Dutch golden age. Tulip mania in 1634.
Yeah.

That's a long time ago. So, wait, Lauren, you're saying you want a cabbage patch kid?

I think I want to give them to my children.

They're cute. I think I want to pull out the bean babies and, you know, maybe they'll be under the Christmas tree.
I was thinking about beanie babies,

right? Yeah.

They're fucking toys. Yeah.

I looked up the Princess Diana Beanie Baby because I was led to believe

it.

There's a million of them on the show. It was very hard to buy at the time, though.
At the time, yes. At the time.

You missed it. But everybody got them.
And they're all you have to eat a biscuit. Yeah.
Why not just enjoy it? Why not just keep it? Why do you have to sell it? Why can't you just love it?

Why can't you just keep it as a memory of Princess Diana, the people's princess? The woman I met. Yeah.
That's right. The woman you met.
There's a picture, right? Refresh my memory. There's a picture.

Refresh my memory.

I actually haven't deep divin enough to see myself, but there is a whole website of that day. Oh, right, right, right, right.
Sort of getty images.

This is sort of like me in the Matlock episode where it's the back of my head.

Does that do anything for you? Yeah. It does.

It reminds me of going, look, it's Matlock. It reminds me of going, hey, Scott just said, look, it's Matlock.

What was the rap party like?

Yes, I was invited. For Matlock? Matlock, all I really remember is Andy Griffith saying that his lines didn't make sense.
I told you this before.

He like complained to the director that Matlock wouldn't say any of this and then changing it to something that didn't make any sense at all. That's it.

And the director just going like, oh, yeah, sure, yeah, whatever you want. And then I watched the episode where my face is supposed to be in it.

And his lines are totally cut out because none of them made any sense anymore.

You see, here's what I would have done. I would have left his lines in, but I would have cut to people,

people in the jury going, what?

Yeah,

or cut to reactions and then just have him ADR the whole thing. This was outside a mansion, by the way.
No, no, no. You keep them in so he sees it.
Yeah.

He sees the people going, this doesn't make any fucking sense. This is him walking inside a mansion.
So you think it should have cut to a jury at another location? Yeah. Going, home, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Paul, I think you'd make a great editor. Thank you.
And by the way, I think this was episode six or something of Metal Long. Claver, you're going to start.
Claver exists.

What year did that start?

Well, they have it now. I remember I filmed it in 85, I think.

Wow. So I just, when I look back, when I looked back and finally found out what episode ended, I was like, he was arguing about what Matlock would say by episode six or seven? Yeah.
I mean, look.

That's commitment. The character was probably pretty nil.
We're still deciding what he's going to say. And this is one of the things he's going to say.

I do think the current Matlock should bring me back. Oh, actually,

a little

Yes, of course. I'll wear the exact same thing.
I'm a blue sport coat with my hair and an Anthony Michael Hall and weird science

kind of look. Now, does the current Matlock have any relation to the previous Matlock?

That's a good question. Thank you.

I know I was surprised by the concept of the new Matlock, which is lady. Well, no,

there's a whole secret thing that in the pilot,

the final scene of the pilot is pilot is

pilot

i shot a pilot not over the phone don't say that over the phone um but there's like a twist to that what's the twist tell me

okay if you don't want to hear the twist fast forward a twist from a pilot of matlock yes the new matlock oh the new one i actually watched a little bit of that can i guess yeah it's like a meet dave where matlock is a big robot that somebody pilots how did you guess

pilots

The twist is that she is working at this

place undercover in order to bring it down. Oh, because her

lawful thing. Yeah, she sneaks in like the first episode, right? I watched her.
She sneaks in. She kind of finagles her way in with badges and whatnot, and she's up there doing some sort of thing.

And then they're like, wow, you have such a homespun

way about you or whatever. She's there to bring the place down because of their

kombucha.

What am I trying to say?

Their culpability in the death of someone related to her, I believe. Due to OxyContin or something like that.

They're related to OxyContin? They're related to OxyContin. Yes.
Matlock is also humorous. The sister of a pill.
So don't get it twisted. And it is supposed to be kind of funny, right?

There's a little leg. There's some humanness to it.

But anyway, I want to be brought back. I want to wear the same thing.
And I want to be... And just the back of your head.
At the same mansion, yes. Exactly.

I'll do all of that, and it'll be fun for the fans. The fans will love it.
It would be so fun if the current Matlock goes back to that mansion. It's like, this feels familiar somehow.

How many actual actors that have been on the original Matlock are willing to come back to Matlock or even alive? I'm one of the only living actors who've ever appeared.

I'm probably the youngest person to ever appear on Matlock. Remember when I was, I was, by the way, younger than I was supposed to be.
I was 15 years old and you were supposed to be 16. Fuck.
I lied.

Of course. And

how many, remember when everyone in Wizard of Oz died? Like the last living person to be in Wizard of Oz finally died? The last munchkin or whatever. I didn't know that.
No. I didn't know that.

That was really sad. They're all dead? Probably.
I'd think anyone who's ever in the Wizard of Oz. What about the crew?

I hope so. Well, when did it come out? 1930?

39. So they'd have to be like a hundred something years old.
That's allowed.

There's no law against it. Yeah.
But I think I'm one of the last

living people to ever be on Matlock.

They should have me back. You should at least get a plaque.
I saw a wicked

flu last night. Did you see it? I saw it about a week and a half ago or something.
It was a long time. It was too long.
Yes. Oh, we should have timed it out better.

I can't believe we saw it so far apart. I haven't seen it.
When's it going to be on Pak?

Oh, don't wait for that. Go see it in Dolby Surround Sound.
My chair was practically rumbling.

It was awesome. I loved it.
Yeah. I don't know.
I don't think I'm going to get a chance to get to a theater to see it while it's still in theaters.

Well, you're on tour so long, but you know, and then by the time you get back, tour, tour, tour, I'm on tour so long. I'm on tour, tour, tour, Tour so long.
Tour, tour, tour, tour, so long.

Tour so long.

Did you watch the track?

Oh, guys, we have to take a break. Not yet.
It's really good. Guys, we have to take a break.

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hundred and eighty dollars for twelve month plan required fifteen dollars per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 35 gb may slow when network is busy capable device gigabytes capable device required availability speed and coverage varies see mintmobile.com uh-oh the fashion police are here.

Can you hear those sirens? Yeah, I can. Boy, they're here to lock me up for what I'm wearing.
I can get you out of this situation. On bail?

Even better. I won't have to go to fashion jail in the future.
First exoneration. Oh,

if you listen to me. Fashion pardon.
You're going to fashion pardon. Okay.
I'm listening. It starts like this.

Cold mornings, holiday plans. This is when you need your wardrobe to just work.

That's why I'm all about for you, quints. They make it easy to look sharp, feel good, and find gifts that last.
I have gotten some Quint.

I'm not wearing it right now, which is why I think the fashion police are here. You should be wearing it.
I will say Quince makes the essentials that every guy needs, right?

Mongolian cashmere sweaters for only, guess how much? $50.

Yeah, exactly. $50.
I got it. Italian wool coats that look and feel designer and denim and chinos that fit just right.

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Do you mean like five-fourths where it costs more? No, no, no, the good one. The good fractions.
Okay.

It's everything you actually want to wear, built to hold up season after season after season after season. I got some stuff from Quince, Paul.
You're going to be very proud of me.

I got a Mongolian cashmere crew neck sweater. Nice.
I'm a big fan of that. It's great for when you want to feel cozy, but still look, you know, at your best.
I wear it all the time.

And honestly, I would wear it even more if my wife weren't borrowing it all the time. Girl, I hear you.
My wife keeps stealing my Quince items.

I have a wonderful soft cashmere hoodie that I got from them. Oh.

And she has claimed it as her own, which that is honestly very aggravating. My wife has also been going into our bank accounts and stealing money from my own bank account that I have kept secret.

And I'm really concerned about that. My wife has literally taken food out of my mouth.
Oh, no. Like, I put a forkful of food in my mouth and she's taken it out of me.

That's the right amount, as far as I'm concerned. A forkful.
That's how I eat food by the fork. Exactly.
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Do you know, I have not watched the John Candy documentary yet. I have also not watched the Mr.
Rogers documentary from a few years ago, from a million years ago. Yeah, for the same reason.

I must have seen that one. For the same reasons that I'm afraid of crying so much.
The John Candy one is emotional. Yeah.
But I gotta watch it. I've been watching the Eddie Murphy one.
that's great.

I thought, yeah, that was really interesting. It's really interesting.
What an interesting person he is! So interesting. I'm only halfway through, but it's really interesting.

He like he ordered himself to not be uh OC OCT. I know, I know.
He's like, Don't you do that? Yeah, great. Eddie Murphy can, apparently.
Wow, wow, yeah. Uh, John Candy one's good.

I saw Martin Short talk after it, and um, oh, wow, along with uh, Macaulay Culkin, both of them

on the same stage. That's a good line.

Uh, moderated by, of course, Ryan Reynolds.

Oh, right. I actually wanted to go and I fan City Reynolds.
Yeah. Yep, Fan City Reynolds.
And Colin, of course, the director of the film was there.

It was good. I enjoyed it.
I really liked it. Wait, Colin Hanks directed that? Yeah.

I didn't know that.

I guess Tom Hanks knew. No, I'm not saying you're lying.
Tom Hanks.

I didn't know that either.

No, Colin Hanks talked about how Tom Hanks was the only person to ask for the questions in advance.

But then he figured out that it was because he just wanted to be very prepared for his son directing. No, that's really nice.

I actually think that's a great thing to ask the questions or to know the questions in advance so you can have a good answer. Yeah.

Like sometimes on the spot in a situation like that, you might not remember something that's important and would help tell a better story.

There's so many kinds of questions that I freeze up on if somebody asks me, if they want me to name a specific thing, like, what's your favorite all-time?

Whatever, anything like that not in your favorite that's easy or like what's the funniest thing that happened when you were doing that or what's yes exactly and then once they leave you remember yeah like i don't remember and then you know what i ask people questions like that all the time yeah but it is it is very nice to get it in advance it is yeah yeah yeah yeah but i think people probably i've never thought to ask for that i would if it was my son doing it i guess i would ask Well, because if you're Tom Hanks, you don't want to be answering some questions like,

Tom Hanks. Do you ever play pranks on set? Why are you so mean to me when I was a child? You want to make sure those are filtered out.
out.

Yes, exactly. And then also Ryan Reynolds was saying the three interviews that he had to do, I guess.

Because Colin Hanks did all of them, but somehow Ryan Reynolds was the only one who could get Bill Murray or something like that. It was interesting.
Weird. Yeah, Bill Murray

was the very, very last day of shooting where it was like, is he open?

Is he going to do it or is he not? And

Ryan Reynolds told the story of how he got him, the message he left on the machine in order to get him to do it and all that kind of stuff. It was interesting.

So, Colin Hanks, hey, would you, Tom, to make

John Candy? Would you, would you talk about him in this movie? No answer. What was the magical thing that Ryan Reynolds said? Something to do with this,

one of his kids blurted something out on the phone or something.

And it worked. And it worked.
But very. You know what I bet that kid blurted out? What?

What Bill Murray said to Scarlett Training?

At the end, yeah, he's like, if this kid knows that, I have to silence. The sequel code, I have to silence this child.
Yes. He said, and it's like, Grimace was the best McDonald's character.

I would be so happy. Let's hear your ranking of McDonald's.
I would be so happy if that's what he whispered to her at the end of that movie. What's the like duck one? I don't know.

Birdie. Okay, she's a duckie.

Neil was so good.

There was a period when they had

these cookies that were in the shape of of those characters. The McDonald Land cookies.
The shortbread, sort of. Yeah.
Really good.

Really good cookie. Really good.

My child Palat remembers it. Do you want me to bring up McDonald's characters?

Yes. Let's get in the expanded universe.
Okay.

We have.

I'm going to the McDonald's wiki, by the way. We have hamburgler.
Robel Robel. We have Ronald McDonald himself.
Phased out. Now, we talked about her earlier.
Birdie the early bird. So that's ironic.

We talked about her earlier because she's early. That's crazy.
Mayor McGee's. Absolutely.
Fry kids. Love them.
Were the fry kids little like yarn things? Yeah, yeah. Fry kids?

I remember them as fry guys.

They're fry kids, apparently.

Mac tonight.

Mac tonight, of course.

That's very 90 for sophisticated people. Officer Big Mac.
That's right. Correct.
I don't feel familiar. I guess I can do it.
Yeah. What about this guy? All cops are burgers.
Uncle O'Grimacy. Yes.

He comes

at St. Patrick's.

He comes at Shamrock Shake time. Oh, man.
You're making me want a Shamrock Shake.

I'm making you.

Guys, stop. What about the Apple Pie Trees? Oh, yeah.
I remember the Apple Pie Trees. What about Aunt Millie and Tilly? Nope.
No idea. There's far too many to say here, but no, there's not.

I think you guys think we have to fill time. There's no way I want to say it as fast as possible.

Yes. Apple Pie Trees Astera, Aunt Millie, and Tilly, Max and I, Man and the Moon, category mascots.
Oh, no.

Category mascots.

We're the category mascots.

You got to the end so fast. We help you with the library.
Is that the title of category mascots? I was wondering that.

Ben Gunn, Bernice, Bertie, the Early Bird, Blather, Box, Blather, Captain Crook, Captain Smollett, Chicken McNuggets, Characters, Cause MC, Dee Dee, Dr. Quizzicle, Franklin, Fry Kids, Grinder,

Grinder.

Grinder!

Grinder!

Dr. Freud!

Aging Dr. Freud! Three Phileo fishes in my area.

Griddler, Grimace. Griddler.
Oh, coworker. Hamburger Patch.
Hamburgler. Happy.
Happy Meal Gang. Headless Egg McMuffin Horseman.
Headless Egg Muff. Please read about the Headless Egg McMuffin horseman.

That must have been a Halloween deal. Yeah, the...

Wait, was there hamburgers? There was something you said. I need you to go slower because I need to know more.

Let me establish what the headless egg muffins are.

It's a spooky mascot for McDonald's who ran as a Halloween special in 1998. He appeared in two ads in which he scared the residents of McDonald Land in order to steal their egg McMuffins.

His name was never officially announced, but fans chose the name. Great job, by the way, fans, based on him being headless and liking Egg McMuffins and being a horseman.

So fans chose the name Headless Egg McMuffin Man. Horseman.
Based on him being headless, liking Egg McMuffins. Oh, I don't remember that at all.
No. It is not known, by the way, if he

is a person or a pumpkin man.

Look, I'm not worried.

He's clearly not a person. They ditched him after two ads.
Look at his fucking arms. He's not a hit.

He's not a hit. Nice try.

Early life. The headless Egg McMuffin horseman is believed to have been raised somewhere in Chicago.
Shut up. On account of his very heavy accent.

Are you fucking kidding? Well, now we need to. Please find the commercial.
He is also very vocal about how high SAT scores are in Illinois, backing up.

Wait, that can't be what it really was, that picture that you're showing me. It's like a real puppet.
In 98, they would have done that. I feel like it would have been a cartoon.

Hey, kids, don't forget. What is this? Is this a real

Lego? Fucking Lego. Is this a real fucking huge? They made a Lego headless horseman.
That's cool. Nothing to do with the Egg McMuffin, I'm sorry to say.
Let's get the commercial play in.

I feel like none of this is real because why would they know anything about his fucking accent and how high SAT scores are? Give me an Egg McMuffin or I'm going to kill you.

After his appearances in the fall of 98, the headless Egg McMuffin horseman does not appear again. It's been 20 years since this time.
He was declared dead in 2018. This is not a real song.

Declared dead. This is crazy what you're reading, and it's actually insane.
It's gone on as long as it has.

I can't read this site anymore. He was declared dead.
Yeah.

Is this

a fandom? Is this a blog spot? It is a, it is, it is a McDonald's wiki fandom, yes. All right.
I, I, I, I, yeah, you guys, you know what?

It's, here's what you do: you, you devalue journalism when you do things like this. Yeah.

And by the way, calling yourself a wiki when you're not officially associated with Wikipedia should be illegal and you should be tortured and executed. They should be punishable by death.

Captain Crook, I remember he was very scary. What about the McNugget buddies? Oh, those guys are cute.
Get a little. They look like McNugget buddies.
They would dress up like vampires and stuff.

Do you dress up like vampires? How fun for them? Did you find the commercial?

I had a great toy set.

I don't even think it exists, Paul.

I had a toy set of

McNuggets. I'm sure it was a Happy Meal Prize at some point.

I loved them. They were really solid.

That's Butterfingers. This is a Butterfingers.
See?

It's horseshit. Get your shit together.
Get your head out of your ass, Scott. Do you want to see a 1983 McDonald's Egg McMuffin commercial featuring John Goodman and Megan Malally? Yeah, sure, I do.

All right. Let's see it then.
At six, you're a good one. First, we have a

sixed, whatever that is.

It's a rent-a-car thing.

Nothing like an egg McMuffin. There's only one place you can get an egg McMuffin, and now you can get

99 cents for it. This is so cute.
City Pollock.

There it is, Jones Goodman. No lines.

And Megan Malali looks about 13. That's such a cute

experience.

They must have bonded over that when they were together on Righteous Gemstones. Do you think they immediately were like, whoa, whoa, whoa,

oh shit!

Why are we in an Egg McMuffin commercial? We haven't seen each other's work since then. Yeah, I completely lost touch with each other.

No idea.

I wonder if that's why they did it together. I would love to hear more about that from the horses' mouths themselves.
I got it. Speaking of horses, where's that fucking commercial?

What's wrong with you? Why can't you find it?

If I find it before you,

God help you, Scott. I don't think it exists.
I think it does exist. It doesn't exist.
They do exist. It doesn't exist, Adam Scott.

What? Adam Scott. That's his famous quote.
From what? From you talking YouTube to me.

Wow.

A show you were on, Paul. You should know.
His famous quote.

Look, I don't know. I can't find it.
I don't think we're going to. I think they scrubbed it from the internet.
I think they did. I think that's what Scrubs was about.

So if we're going to rank, if we're going to rank them, I'm going to kind of do just off the top of my head. Yeah.
What do you got?

It goes,

it's like, I don't want to say Grimace is the first, but he kind of is one of the most popular to talk about. Okay.

And I learned he's very popular. I learned he's a taste bud.
Yes. Oh, really? That's weird, isn't it? That's disgusting.
Yeah, that's gross. But

I'd put him, hamburgler,

fry guys,

the McNuggets as characters. Wait, are we, is this quality or just recognition? It's just kind of like what I want.
It's her own personal

who I'm expecting to see. Right.
I had Bertie I put later, but she is important,

but she's also the only female representation we have. So we kind of

there's a fry kid that's a girl. One of the men.
But we need more women in McDonald land. I mean, Ronald, Ronald's could get a revamp, you know.
Rhonda. Rhonda McDonald.

For Women's History Month, we're renaming our stores. Rhonda McDonough.
Welcome to McDonald.

I had a hamburgler stuffed,

like not stuffed animal because he wasn't an animal, but a stuffed.

Yeah, I remember those.

Yeah, I had it. I had it for years.
So I would rank him at number one.

Mayor McCheese is classic.

That hamburger for a head is great. I think Officer, whatever his name is, who also

Officer Big Mac sort of dilutes the brand because they look too similar. But I think Mayor McCheese, and what a great name.
What a great name. So he's number two for me.
They kind of just nailed it.

You're right. I forgot about him.
Ronald McDonald is garbage. He's useless, right? He's trash.

He's a little bit extra.

He founds that house to help kids, and then we're supposed to be like, oh, you're so great. Yeah.
No, thank you. Fuck off.
I know you did it just for the cred

and for the clout.

That is the best thing about him. What did you do it for? Clout or Nookie? Probably Nookie.
I did it all for the clout. Come on.
The clout.

So take this shout and stick it up your

stick it up your

butt my ranking is hamburgler because that's just a great I think it's just we go let's do top three okay

hamburgler merriment cheese and then

I'll go Grimace

I'm gonna go back on no Mactonite

I'm gonna say oh wow I'm gonna say

I don't know he Mectonite doesn't I don't think he exists in the same world as them I don't think so either he's never seen with them. Yeah.

I think I'm going to go with McNuggets when they have eyes and stuff.

Fry kids,

birdie. Just fucking shit out.
Wow. But I would, I'd be happy if that was all I saw.
I'm going to say my number one

is Merrimack Cheese.

Yeah. He's good.
He's because he combines, I like when they combine

a sort of human form

with just a fucking impossible head. When was the last time a mayor wore a sash? It's been a long time.
Things should be required. They should bring a sash.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think anyone involved in government, Mayor McCheese, then Grimace.
Anyone in Doge?

Grimace is gorgeous.

Yeah.

He's plush. You know what I mean?

I mean, he looks luxurious. I don't like commenting on people's bodies.
He's got a great body.

He's kind of like... He's got that real hourglass figure, but it's just at the bottom.
His measurements are

75, 75, 75. No, I think his measurements are.
Maybe if you're 5'2 ⁇ , I think his measurements are 2.

That's his head. 36, 80.

Two.

And then number three is hamburgler. I don't even want to put him in the top 10 because he's a criminal.
He steals hamburgers. Yeah, he's kind of stressful.

We need to decriminalize stealing hamburgers.

You know what? You're the type of person who would have chased after 24601 for that bread. It's kind of a Robin Hood situation.
Like, let him have it.

How do we know this? I think the corporation can handle a few. What if hamburgler is like your friends and neighbors?

I think if they were to pay their employees better, then I would say, like, oh, okay, maybe he shouldn't be stealing. Now we're going to the real world.
Okay. Hamburglar number one.

And he should be also the ham murderer.

He should be taking

and shooting the CEOs of McDonald's.

The Luigi Mangiono. Yes.
McDonald's. Okay.
Yeah. I want to redo my list.
Okay. It goes hamburgler, Mayram Cheese, Grimace.
Wow. Everyone else I said is nowhere to be seen.

Like they're exiled in a community.

Wow.

You're calling for genocide? No, I'm calling for, I want to eat nuggets and fries. I'm actually getting hungry talking about it.
Yeah, we're doing it.

By the way, we shouldn't be talking about this right before dinner. It's dangerous.

I could

fly right through a McDonald's.

Fucker.

I already made my dinner because I made it for lunch. Oh, good.

I already made my dinner because I made it for lunch. Is it pancakes for dinner? Yeah, it's pancakes in a big bucket at my fridge.

When I was a kid, the idea of breakfast for dinner was very exciting, and now it disgusts me.

It's just nothing. Yeah.
I might have a bowl of cereal late at night.

I could sooner eat

leftover dinner for breakfast than eat. fresh breakfast for dinner.
No, that's gross. I would eat cereal.
I would eat cereal at like 11 o'clock as a sort of, you know, healthy snack.

Would you for one year

rotate your meals so you're eating lunch for breakfast,

dinner for lunch, and breakfast for dinner? Just for one year. You wouldn't do it? No.
Why? Dinner for lunch is really heavy. I think because I just told you.

Why should it matter what time of day you're eating?

Why do you think they made it the way it is?

Because it matters.

It's easy matters, Scott. They say when you're eating breakfast, you should eat like a king.
When you're eating lunch, you should eat like a prince.

And when you're eating dinner, you should eat like a pauper. Who the fuck says this? That's annoying.
Who says this? Just people like if you want, if you want it like to be healthy.

Did you make this up? So wait, it's King, Prince, Pauper. King, Prince, Pauper.
That's going to be like

why

the prince doesn't eat as good as the king

as his own flesh and blood. I know.
But he's like a kid.

How old is this prince? Nine. Let's call it.
Let's. No.
Let's call him eight.

Okay.

All right. Now I understand.
So now do you get it? Isn't it a wild difference between an eight-year-old diet and a nine-year-old diet? Well, a popper diet is like, that's the latest trend right now.

Popper diet. John Popper.
Yeah. You take harmonica.
You tip your mouth shut all day, and then for dinner, you eat a crust.

But what, but it, you know, sometimes, Emmy, you'll say, like, for breakfast, she'll say, like, oh, I want this, you know, like whatever we had for dinner the night before.

And it's, and you, you immediately balk at it and go like, that's not breakfast food. Why? It doesn't matter.

Anyone can eat whatever they want at any time. What if your parents did that? I want to eat this for dinner.
Bock, bok, bok. Oh, do you? So you can eat shit.
Can I say something, Scott?

You quote Emmy a lot on this show, and we're just taking your word for it. I know.

How do we know she's saying these things? She needs to be able to offer a bunch of things.

How do we know you are not mischaracterizing the things that she am i putting words into her mouth i'll do you understand the words that are coming out of mind

eddie murphy said he regretted uh not doing rush hour it was apparently he was apparently offered that i do too

rush hour ghostbusters and

i forget the third one he had three i wish i'd done them citizen kane

yeah

I wasn't offered that. I just wish I'd done it.
Are we just taking his word for that?

Fuck. So, someone else might wish that he'd done those.
Yeah. Did he ever talk about

like if I could swap Ghostbusters for Norbit, I would.

He actually likes Norbit, I think. He does.
I like Norbit. As does Brian Wilson.
Did Brian Wilson? Brian Wilson loved Norbit.

Yes. It was probably the best movie he's ever seen, and it's the most recent movie he's ever seen.

Love that.

All right, we have to take a break.

Hello, I'm Gretchen Rubin. And I'm Lori Gottlieb.
We're two friends: one, a happiness researcher, and the other, a therapist. And we are here to tackle the problems of everyday life with all of you.

From big issues to small, we'll share advice and fresh perspectives, and we'll also highlight responses from you, our listeners, to the questions we discuss.

Whether it's that pet peeve that's been bugging you for years, a tricky dilemma, or just something you've always wondered about, we'll talk it through.

The Since You Ask podcast from Lemonata Media premieres on September 23rd, wherever wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back.

It's time for

a little word that I have coined.

And it's... I'm interested in hearing this.
It's a word that combines. It's a portmanteau.

It's a portmanteau. And it combines the word.
Is a portmanteau a portmanteau? It better not be. Fuck it.
I'll be so mad. Oh, my God.
I'll be so mad. It's insane.
Of Portugal, the man,

and dinosaur toes. And my toe.

It's a portmanteau of freedom and feature. Okay.

And it's something that I call a three-chair.

Okay.

Yeah. That's fine.
I honestly would have called it something else, but I. What would you have called it? I mean, for me, what comes to mind immediately is a boostero.

I don't know what it means or what I'm talking about.

Okay.

I'm fine to take criticism. Do you know what makes me think of when you say that, Lauren, is posteriophonic?

That's probably what I'm talking about. Yeah.
The most Tony-recognized play of all time. Tony, recognizes Tony, Tony, turn around.
Give an award to the show you love the most. Tony, Tony, turn around.

You can find me in the ground. If I'm lost, don't you cry.
I'll be up there in the sky. Tony, Tony, can't you see? I'm in love with only thee.
Tony, Tony, be my bride. Tony, Tony, be the slide.

Slide on down to hell, Tony.

Tony, we hope you're in hell.

But we're going to play a three-track right now. We are.
This one was submitted. I know we played it recently, but we enjoy it.
It was submitted by Luc Benson, and it's called I've Got Some Bad Tunes.

Thank you, Luc Besson.

Luc Besson. The way it works.

You don't believe it's the person who gave us Le Professionale? Leon, Le Professionale? I don't think. I think

that person's got too much on his plate right now. You don't think this is the same person who gave us the fifth element? I don't believe so.

Don't believe that we want to be associated with the movie. Are people trying to say that the fifth element is a good movie now? I don't know.
I feel like they are.

I have no idea. I feel like they are.
I feel like they're on the message boards recently, the fifth element message boards. It feels like the tide hasn't turned yet.

where they're saying it's a good movie yet. It's just message boards devoted to it being a bad movie.
There is a message board.

Let me find which one it is specifically because I, you know, you know how you click on, if you're on Reddit, you click on something once and then it's like, oh, you're interested in this. Of course.

Yeah, measure twice. It is just the R Saturday Night Live message board.
And

that's happened to me. There is a lot.
What I've seen in the few times since I've opened up Reddit and that has been suggested to me,

people trying to examine the good nights. and see if people are having fights with each other.
Right. Wow.

Let me just tell you, no one's ever having fights with any and they're not doing it on TV. Yeah.
These people are fucking certain that people have beef with each other. It's really wild.
Wow.

It's really wild. Yeah.

Although that said, if I were ever on SNL, I'd fucking stiff arm everybody. I would definitely make people think I was having a fight with everybody.
Yeah. Yeah.
For sure. I'd love it.

I would just look straight up at the sky and just act like I couldn't wait to. And if anyone ever came over to me to hug me, I'd just go, uh-uh.
I would just get on my phone. Yeah.
Yeah.

I get on my phone for the good nights. Yeah.

And I would ask that whatever I was typing be put onto the screen over the credits. Yes.
So I would like make fun of everyone's names in the credits. And I'd be like.

That's too engaged for me.

You know what I mean? Because then it seems like you're helping out the show. That's true.
I'd like to help. Oh, that's funny.
I'd like to help out the show, though. Oh, I don't want to.

You want it really? I want the show to help me. Okay.
Not the other way around. Hey, guys.
Do you want to play that game that we were talking about? Let's play that game for a second, man.

Okay, this is, I've got some bad tunes. It sure is.
Luc Besson.

It's not Luc Besson. And

one player chooses a scenario where someone has to deliver bad news. The other

chooses a song or a tune that the other players will know. And the third has to

gets both of them and has to deliver the bad news to the tune or melody of the chosen song. That's exactly right.
Yeah. So how are we going to...
I'm going to text you, Scott, bad news.

Okay, Paul, you text me the song. Then we're going to go clockwise after that.

It's as easy as this.

Three chairs are pretty easy when you think about it. Yeah.

Especially the typing part. That's where

I'm done.

All right.

Oh, my God. What are you guys doing here?

You invited us over for breakfast. Oh, how's everything going? Is that today? Yeah.
Yeah, it's today.

Oh. We're going to have lunch for breakfast, remember? Oh, God.
That's right. I forgot to order the BLTs.
Yeah. You forgot.
You really let us down.

I can probably get a diner to make a couple of BLTs. Get a diner to make them? I mean, I'll just leave your house.
Yeah. Why would we stay around for that?

Well, I look, this is all just a pretense because

I have something I

is a pretense? You invited us over to wake you up. Yeah.

I forgot this was going to happen. I was supposed to be woken up already.
What's the pretense? My butler was going to wake me up already, but I gave him the day off.

I gave him the day off today. Anderson.
Like a nice employer. Anderson didn't come in.
Didn't come in today? It's Anderson from the Pea Soup.

Anderson, ever since that Anderson's Pea Soup place closed, he's had nowhere to go. Wait, it closed? Yeah.

When did that happen? Pretty recently in the last five years. I think the pandemic must have hit him hard or something.

I thought they were going to be around forever. I know.
Anyway, Anderson, he chases me around with bowls of pea soup all day. And I was just like, you know what? You should fire him.

That sounds insane. I hate to do it.
The soup is too good. Oh, see,

yeah.

Okay.

Anyway,

the whole, I invited you guys over because I wanted to.

I have. To be honest, I have some bad, I mean, some bad news.
Okay. No.

Yeah. That you invited us over this morning to hear? I felt like I couldn't say it over the phone at a reasonable hour.
I had to tell it to you. And you couldn't set an alarm.
We woke you up.

I forgot this was today. What's going on, dude? What the fuck is wrong? What's going on? My butler has my schedule.
I told you I gave him the day off.

Okay, okay, but this is not weighing heavily on the screen. What's wrong with you? Yeah, what's the bad thing? You seem fine.
Just out with it.

There

is something I have to tell you.

You are not gonna like it.

But there is something wrong with me.

I'm gonna tell it to you now.

There is something I want to tell you. Happy birthday.
And it's something I'm gonna tell you now. Okay.

It is something.

It is something.

I am gonna

tell you now.

I broke my butt bones.

I broke my butt bones.

I broke all my butt bones.

Join me, guys.

I

broke my

butt bones.

How? Wow.

I sat down too either too fast or too slow.

Too fast or too slow. I'm slow doesn't seem possible.
Gotta go. Okay.
Too slow. End of the scene.

All right. I'm going to text

Paul

what is wrong with him. Okay.
Lauren is going to text

Paul a song.

and Paul is going to sit there like the special boy he is,

just receiving all of this information. Done.

One sec. Little mad at you.

Sorry about that.

All right.

All right, we are ready.

Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Did I wake you up?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was just, I just dozed off.
You're not supposed to be sleeping on the park bench. I know, I didn't mean to.
I just

mean to?

Yeah, I didn't mean to. I just was sitting here and I dozed off.
Beds are for sleeping in, not park benches, sir.

Hey, hey, hey, can you leave this man alone? Who are you? I'm just a concerned citizen. I don't like the way you're talking to me.

Very.

Okay. I don't like the way you're talking to this man.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
I own this park. I own this town.
I thought this was a public park.

What?

You're Mrs.

Towney? Jablomi.

Mrs. Jablone.
You own Jablonyville? Yeah, I do. Jabloni.
I missed it.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm out of source. What's going on with you? What's going on? I've just been up all night.
Maybe I was too hard. I don't know anything about you, but what's going on with you right now?

I haven't slept well because I heard something terrible about someone and I've just been sick with worry. And I just, I guess I just like, I got, was so exhausted, I fell asleep.
You know what?

Say no more. Okay.
No, say more. Thank you.
I'm going to go back to sleep. No, sing more.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Oh, you're not interested in my bad news, are you?

I'm really interested. And actually, it's kind of the one thing I have on my to-do list is to find someone someone with bad news and talk to them.
Are you on a scavenger hunt? Yeah. Oh, my God.

What if you got

it? I saw two squirrels kissing. Fun.
And I ate an orange peel out of the trash.

Those are the only

three things on the list. Okay.

Wow. Okay.
So. Why did you assume she's at the end of the scavenger hunt? You got to start.
I thought you mentioned that you had to. I might have, but I don't know what I say.
Yeah.

Good point. Yeah.
Good point.

Sir, you can either tell

us your bad news. I own the park and she owns the town.

All right. Or we can help you.
Or you can. Maybe you can.
I'll tell my story and then you tell me what you think. Okay.

My aunt is in some trouble and it looks really grim.

She just went to her doctor and this is what she heard from him.

He said, your liver's fucked up.

You don't have long to live.

You shouldn't drink so much because your liver gave all it's got to give.

Upside, inside, out.

You got liver cancer.

We can't help you out.

You've got liver cancer.

Oh no. Oh, no.
So in the inside and the outside?

Inside and outside of her liver. Oh, no.
That's terrible news for your aunt, you say? Yeah. Yeah.
That's awful. Is it? Do you think it's like hereditary? Do you think you might end up with it?

Well, like she's possessed by the devil?

Yeah.

No, it's not like that running around on the ceiling. It's not like a movie at all like that.
No.

Okay. I don't know her, so I'm sorry.
She's a regular old liver cancer. I'm sorry.

Sorry to this man. I'm just going to keep going because there are.
I just unfolded the paper and there is some more stuff I have to get. So I got to go find someone.
What do you have to still get?

I have to find someone else's list with unchecked boxes. Oh, no.

You should have gotten that first. I have to do.
Just snatch it out of one of your competitors' hands. I have to find a car with three wheels.

And I have to find a horse with four legs. Well, because a car with four wheels has three wheels.
Yeah, exactly. And

a horse with five legs has four legs. Yep.
That's good stuff.

So you guys can't help me with my aunt. No.

Oh, wait. I can cure diseases.
That's right. I forgot.

Where's your aunt? aunt? Right over there.

Does she mind coming over here? I don't know if she can move. Oh, well, forget it.
Look how jaundice she is. Yeah.
She's in bad shape.

Yeah, you shouldn't have brought her to the park, especially all night. She followed me here.
Is she a private investigator? Yeah. I'm cheating on my wife.
Oh,

bro. My uncle.
Oh, up top.

Let's see.

All right. Now I'm going to text Lauren the song, and Paul is going to bad news.
Yes.

All right, we are in the middle of texting each other.

I have

texted Lauren. Paul is currently in the process of texting Lauren.
He is pressing buttons on his phone. I'm presuming this is the typewriter function on the text app

that is on his phone. And

we're all set. All right.

It's always fun to be on the bus.

Excuse me? It's always fun to be on the bus. I couldn't agree more.
You may meet all kinds of interesting shorts. Like we've just met.
Who are you? I'm the driver. Oh, that explains.

Why are you walking around?

It's on autopilot. Honestly, this is a Waymo.
This is exciting. And what's your name? My name is Taninsa.
Hi, Taninsa. Malinsa.
Hi, Tanitsa Malins.

Cocomelo.

My name's Bluey. No relation.
Bluey.

What's your name, driver? Ba. Ba.

No relation. To

any other boss.

I'm loving it.

No relation to Mac Tonight. Mayor McCheese, Scramus.
Brian Cox. Any of them.
Yeah, Brian Cox. Although, to be honest, I am related to Brian Cox.

Okay,

we're

father and son. You don't have to tell me we're father and son.
It's all right. It's your business.
It's just my business, but I'm proud of it. I'm proud of him.
I'm proud of my dad.

I've got something I want to tell you. Tenitz, I mean, Coco Melon, you look down in the dopes.
Well, yeah, I am.

Sorry, I just have to stop

the bus here and let people on. Can you hold off on the bad news for one second?

Come on in.

Oh, it's housed.

Sorry, exact change. No, I reigrated.

All left.

All right. It's just us again.
Okay, don't do that again.

It's part of my job. Not anymore.

Are you hijacking this bus? I own the bus company.

I own the tower. I know.

My name's Hanny Jablomi. I look like a normal lady.

But I've got secrets that you wouldn't expect from me to tell you. I love this melody.
I know.

I'm just an old gray-haired lady.

But there are things I have to tell you that you're not gonna like.

I'm having wicked dreams.

Things aren't quite what they seem.

I'm not the coolest lady you've ever really seen.

I'm gonna tell you now about something that you should know.

I can't believe it either. But this is really real.

What have I done?

I'm a lady in trouble

because I'm in the Epstein files. Oh,

I'm just not having fun.

And there's no more smiles.

I'm in the Epstein files with my name in the files.

You're gonna find my name all in the files right now.

My name is all over the files that you know.

My name is the one that's in the Epstein files. Epstein files.

Oh, I'm so sorry. And it was just because I delivered groceries at the wrong time.
That shouldn't count.

I know, but they don't care. Well,

I'm here to drive you to jail.

Should we stop off at the island?

Of course.

Cut shunk. What's happening with that island, by the way? What's going on? I know.
Is it just standing there empty or filled with

prisoners there?

Can we do something nice with it? Yeah. Like, I'd love to be in the files for going to the island and doing something nice.
Make it, make it a place. Make it up litter.

Make it a place where, you know, people of age you can have sex with. Oh, my God.
And anyone they want. Yeah.

Look, look, look. That was, I've got some bad tube.
That was, I've got true.

And listen, if you feel like celebrating the holidays in a fun way, December 21st, that's Sunday. I'm doing Variatopia at Lodge Room in Highland Park.

And it's also going to be live streamed to the world. Go to variatopia.com for tickets.
And also, might as well start telling this to people: FS Sketchfest. I'm going to be there in January.

We're going to be the 15th through the 18th.

Yeah.

Doing a bunch of shows, Variatopia, Spontorco, the Neighborhood Listen Live, the Thrilling Adventure Hour. Please come out and see those shows.
Go to paulftomkins.com/slash live.

Hey, Threedomy fans, holiday cards are back. Buy them for someone you think needs to go to hell this holiday season.
I can think of a few. We also have Threedom t-shirts.
We have the I Work Here tea.

We have the corporate lady, How to Talk Tea, and

The Pizza Robot Tea is back in stock for holiday gifts for your fellow piss pigs pigs or yourself pig.

Uh, go to kinshipgoods.com/slash threedom. If you're a self-pig, we want to hear from you.
Yep, do it up.

And uh, anything from you? You know, I'm just living my life. Yeah, hell yeah, you're out there in these streets, yep, yep, looking for Haywood.
I'm just too busy right now to do shows.

I've been very busy right now. Yep, yeah, I understand.
Yep. Um, all right, we'll see you uh in hell, in hell, bye, bye.

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