Show Me On Mic Where the Presents Are

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Freedom!

Freedom!

Hi!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to you! Merry Christmas!

We wanna wish you a Merry Christmas!

We wanna wish you a Merry Christmas!

We wanna wish you a Merry Christmas on the bottom forever!

There's got to be one more

Spanish Christmas song. Like, you can't just coast.

Just coast coast on that one. Oh, okay.
Well, Santa Claus is coming to town, parentheses, Barcelona.

Barcelona. This is from the musical company.

Where are you going?

Barcelona. I'm Santa.

Oh,

that's it. That's it.
We did it. We did it.
Happy holidays to everyone. Happy pre-boxing day.

Yes. Wow.
What is

time of year. It's our

special holiday episode.

Now, we cannot lie. It's not exciting.
We like big books. It's like the holiday that we're recording, and also we like big bucks.

It's a little bit ahead of

Christmas for us, and we're all in three different places because Paul is still on tour. As you can see, I have piles of Christmas presents and boxes behind me to be wrapped.

You're going to wrap them in Tubi wrapping paper?

Tubi. I'm sponsored by Tubi right now.
What about Roku right now? Congrats. Thanks.
I'm paying them. Oh, okay.

I'm sponsored by Go90 still.

I'm sponsored by Go Nuts. I can't get it.

What, Lauren? I'm sponsored by Dee'Nuts.

I'm sponsored by Quibby, Go90,

2B still thing? I don't know. To be continued.
To be or not 2B. That must be why it's called that.

Do you think they end meetings at ToBHQ with ToBe Continued? I hope they do. To be continued.
And I hope they're really funny for the first year.

And then now everyone's sick of it. Then it becomes gravely serious.

To be continued.

Yeah. And they start every meeting with previously on Toby.

What are you guys up to on this wonderful holiday? Well, I'm yelling the word freedom in a hotel room again. I know, but I mean, what are you doing?

Oh, night long.

I also yell tumblites,

hey, jumbo dumbo.

Huiko parte se wé lo.

Hey, tombula.

Tombolitos eye.

Did we talk about this already? Did I recently hear him on a podcast where he said that none of that made any sense and it was just made up? I think I've heard you say that. I always assumed it was.

I thought it was like Mamase, Mamasa, Mamakusa, where it was like taken from something. An ancient chant?

That brings forth the dark one.

I actually think Mamasei Mamasei Mamakusa is from a different song, but I'd have to look it up. It is.
What is it from, dear?

I mean, it's like from a different song.

But he means, I guess, a song before that. Yeah, from like.

I think, but no. Do you want me to do a little research on this? Yeah,

it's from a dance song called Everyone Do the Mamase Mamasa Mamakusa. Oh.
From the 50s. Right.

Come on, baby.

Mamase, mamasa, mamakusa. Come on, baby.

Mamase, mama mamamakusa. Chubby checker, I have to say, although it's a little culturally

insensitive, but in what way?

I don't think that you should be doing.

so.

Go on. Okay.

I'm interested in hearing your thoughts.

I'm looking for this mama say, Mama,

Mama Sa. And I'm sorry, I'm a little bit more.
I think you're getting weird right now. Hey, guys.

The 1972 disco song Sol Makasa.

It's a variant of the lyric in that song.

Oh, a variant. That's fun.

And Manu

Debongo

is the person who did it. He sued Jackson and in 1986 settled out of court for 1 million French francs.

Is that like a lot?

Yeah, that's what they call it in French. 1 million freedom fries.

Yum. Is that a lot or is that a little? I wonder if, like, especially.
French fries, it's a lot. Yeah.
In terms of fries, it is quite a tidy sum. What would you say?

What would you say is the most French fries you've ever eaten? In one sense? A million. A million.
A million. yeah i think i know i've eaten i've eaten oh well you know on the night of uh the election

hillary clinton election

elect she that wonderful elek she that we look back on so fondly i

can you imagine that was nine years ago at this point

i can't imagine that that's actually crazy

but it makes sense with everything that i plop and when i think back to that moment and i think back to everything i was doing it's nothing like what i'm doing now also it makes sense

back Mixes within the plopping.

So, anyway,

that night

I bought a ton of containers of large French fries from McDonald's and put them in a bowl as part of my party offerings

because I hosted an election viewing party that got progressively sadder.

But that night, I probably ate a lot of fries. Yeah.
Janie had, I was doing at midnight, a live at midnight. Oh, right.
Yeah.

Everyone had all these live events because it was going to be this celebratory, like groundbreaking.

Yeah, we were going to watch Trump, the idiot, be defeated.

The racist idiot, Paul. So,

thank you.

And my apologies to the Trump family. And Janie had set up an election watching party.
It was like, well, we bought a new TV to watch the election. Oh, my God.
Oh, God.

We'd only been in our house for a couple years, And

we were going to do it anyway. She's like, let's do it for the election.
And so she got all this food from Dinah's fried chicken and invited these people over.

And by the time I got home, everyone had left because it was so depressing. And there was all this untouched food.
And I ate like what felt like an entire chicken in five minutes.

Just stress eating like I've never done it before or since.

I was on a plane to Thailand.

what is that when Kulop was doing her documentary? No, she had she'd already gone there for the documentary. This is, we had to make an emergency

uh flight to Thailand

for a medical uh reason with someone we knew.

Uh,

and so I was on a plane when it was called,

and uh, I remember. Did everybody clap?

No,

um, and then

they announced America. They did not announce it.

I just saw it on the internet. And then we were in

an airport in

China, I believe, and

kind of looking at each other like this is on our way to Thailand and just kind of going like, do we go back?

Yeah.

We live in Thailand now. Yeah.
But hey,

you know, that's when I ask how many french fries have you ever eaten in one sitting, I don't mean to get us off on

this depressing. This is a holiday.

You asked, and we answered. Scott, what's the craziest amount of food you've ever housed?

God,

you know, I've never done any one of those. Have you guys ever done one of those things where you go into a restaurant and they say, if you can eat this in 20 minutes, you get it for free?

Have you ever watched that? I would never do that because I don't understand why that's cool. I don't understand because you're eating way too much.
So it's free, sure, but now you're sick.

Like, there's no part of you that's like

it's not good, right?

Paul, fuck.

What?

Paul has doubled over.

He does it 20 minutes. It's free.

Is that not usually like a time limit? It's usually just a time limit there. Maybe it's an hour.

I always thought it was like, if you can eat this whole thing, it's free. There's some huge

side of beef or whatever. That's the thing.
It's always a huge thing, But it's like, they won't let you sit there for two days. Yeah, I think they've started doing time.

Oh, I'm glad you gave the system.

Yeah, they've started doing time and stuff because people just eat it for breakfast, take a shit, eat it for lunch, take a shit, eat it for dinner.

And then it's free.

Someone's probably tried that. There was always something appealing about it, though, when I was a kid, mainly because, you know, none of us had any money.
So it was like,

also, it's a dumb thing and you're a dumb kid, right?

Like, I want to try that.

I bet I could eat.

I could eat the whole thing.

I remember being as a kid fascinated by the ice cream eating contest on the Brady Bunch. What was that? Oh.

Bobby enters an ice cream eating contest, and these kids, they have to sit with their hands behind their back and just eat ice cream with their fucking faces.

And then I guess he lost, and it was really.

He really built it up. I don't remember what the plot was.
But like eating ice cream with your nose in it is like terrible. Yeah.
It's cool.

Also, ice cream is something you want to eat as quickly as possible is a terrible idea. Yeah, you want to savor it.

Have you ever heard of brain freezing? You want to lick it?

Good.

That's right, Lauren. Scott wants to lick it from top to bottom.

What do you guys like on ice cream Sundays? Do you like everything?

I like when Trump won.

On ice cream Sundays, I'm not really into that. I would kind of just like hot fudge and sprinkles.
I'm not really like a banana split, cherries, all that kind of stuff. So much.

I just like hot fudge. I don't like, and some whipped cream, but not, I don't like nuts on there.

I don't like nuts in my ice cream either. I never liked nuts.
And then one day I got, I would always ask at McDonald's for one of those Sundays without nuts.

And then one time they, they gave it to me with nuts and I was like, holy shit, this is delicious. You know what I mean? When you hear somebody fired.

Of course. I took it to Cork.
Well, the McDonald's one is. I do love this, but I am going to get somebody fired.
The McDonald's one's just peanuts, right? Because that's kind of good. Yeah.
Yeah.

Peanuts. I don't want like walnuts.
I don't want other types of peanuts.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. But then you liked it, Scott.
But then I liked it.

I just, you know, when people, you know, when your palate changes, supposedly, you know, how you have a very unsophisticated palate when you're younger? And then your taste buds develop.

at like, but what age is that? Is that like at age 18 or something? Well, I think it's, I might be wrong about this, but I also think that it's like 25 when you're rent a car.

When you're like five, your taste buds are very strong. So you're very disturbed by flavors.
Oh, really? Oh,

why? What a terrible biological thing. I might be wrong.
It might be to keep you safe so you don't eat shit and stuff like that. And like, yeah.

Yeah. What are you looking around for, Paul? Because as you you get older,

as you get older, shit starts to taste kind of good.

But you want to make sure you're not eating that when you're a kid because when you're older, you know, it's not good to eat that. Yeah.

I don't think your power's out because everything's working. Your internet's working.
The internet's working, yeah.

But you're, but

the power on your laptop or something has gone down. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Let me.
Are you worried that you're going to lose power in the middle of this?

Are you saying, Paul, that you need more power?

My laptop's at 85%. So I think that's a number to get through this bullshit.

We should do a running countdown, though, Paul.

As we progress. Keep us posted as it goes down, down, down, okay? I'm saying we should do a running countdown.

Delete, delete, dee, de.

Delete, dee, dee.

Well, I plugged it into another outlet, and now it seems to be fine. I don't know what the fuck is going on with this place.

Does your outlet have one of those little buttons that you have to push in? No.

No.

How do you feel about the decor in your room right now?

So you have, you're in a hotel.

Look around. It's got yellow walls.

Yellow and gray. One is gray, one is yellow.
Oh, it's an accent wall.

Back wall. It's an accent wall against gray.

You can see I have this weird shade with a sort of, I don't know, southwestern pastel pattern. It's like a marblized like picture of maybe like a mountain, abstract mountain.

It's, it's, it's, but you're not in the southwest. There's zero.
Yeah, southwest is not quite right, but it's okay.

It's a

where are you? I forgot to ask. La Croix pattern.
I'm in Stoughton, Wisconsin, of course.

Oh, wow. Stoughton?

Yeah, S-T-O-U-G-H-T-O-N.

Stoughton. And we're playing the Stoughton Opera House.
Cool. Yeah.
We're all the best.

Hey, look, just because I've never heard of it doesn't mean it's not the coolest place.

That was a good thing.

Get out and get crazy. That was a subplot on the Gilded Age, wasn't it, when that opened? Oh, yes.
There was a competing opera house or something.

God damn it.

Have you gotten out into Stoughton at all?

No, here's what happened: is that we took the last night we were in Chicago. Chicago.

We boarded the bus after the show Zach Your Jacket and and then we came here the idea was that we would be able to check into the hotel at you know like 130 or something

and so we're all like hanging out and everything and then it just gets later and later and I'm like I'm gonna lay down for just like stretch out for just a little bit so I heaved my pelvis up into the top bunk and I'm laying there and then after a while I'm like we're still moving I'm just gonna shut my eyes for a little bit and so I fall asleep, wake up again.

It seems like we've stopped. I'm like, oh, are we here? And I check, this has been my thing: I check Google Maps to see how close we are to the thing.
It says we're still like 40 minutes away.

I'm like, all right, so we're not there yet. So I'll, and then the bus started moving again.

Then eventually the bus stops again,

and I'm sort of in a hazy daze and I hear some voices, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And I fall back to sleep.
I wake up at 3:30 a.m.

and we're at the hotel. Everybody is off the bus except me.
No one woke you up.

What? No one woke me up.

Which, you know, I, that was my first thought. I was like, nobody woke me up.
And I was like, I guess you don't want to wake people up because you don't know their plan.

Like, I didn't tell anybody, hey, if I fall asleep, wake me up so I can go to the hotel. Yeah.
So I get out of the thing. It's fucking freezing here.
It's below zero here. Oh my God.
And

get in the hotel, sleep for a little bit, and now here we are. So I don't know where the fuck I am.
And how were your encounters with Mr. Sandman?

You know, we got to spend

two nights in a hotel in Chicago. And then

I was very happy about that. It really was

rejuvenating.

And I was sleeping through the night like a real good baby. Aw.
Yeah.

I did spit up a few times.

Yeah.

Did your mommy wipe it?

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Oh, you know what happened to us last night is right before

we went to bed on this topic. Me and Scott, just to be clear.

Right before I head cannon. Right before Lauren and I went to bed.

Separately in separate houses. Okay.

But both wearing night shirts and nightcaps. Yep.
That have pictures of each other. A house divided.
We will not stand, of course.

Kiss frame photos of each other.

But

Kulop is looking at her phone and she goes, where's the baby?

And

I, incredulous, I say, what baby? Like she's talking about something she's seeing on the internet or something. She goes, our baby.

Oh, so not Allie McBeal, the dancing baby. Right, exactly.
Yeah. That's what I originally thought she was talking about.
Yeah.

Man, if they had AI, then they want to do that thing. That thing would have been so cool.
Do you guys use the AI baby for Allie McBeal?

Give it a prompt.

But

I go on to the nanny cam, and

there's no one in her crib, her crib bed.

Much less her.

Yeah, exactly. I'm the one.
Absolutely no one. Her not being in there is one thing.
If there had been someone else in there, that would have been really strange. I think that would have sucked.

Very sorry. Not to derail, but a big girl bed.
Well, it's a halfway between. So she has a way out.
Transitional. A halfway house.
Yes. Yes.

So

we jump up and go into. You arose with a clatter? With a clatter to see what was the matter.

And we go into her room. We turn on the light.
And I can't, I can't. I'm expecting you to see her walking around or trying to go to the bathroom or something.

By the way, we have these things we put on the doorknobs, so she can't get out of her room.

And I can't, we turn on the light. Very controlling.

That sounds great. And we just chain her leg to the wall.
That's all.

But I can't, I can't see her. I expect to see her walking around.

I'm looking around, and at first I can't see her. And then I look down on the ground, and she's there on the floor, like

face down,

sleeping.

It was

did she fall out of bed? I we don't know. Like, we, she, she was groggy when we put her into the bed again.

Um, so I, I, I think she just got out for whatever reason. I, I don't know why, but uh, very, very strange.
It's very dark in there, like she wouldn't be able to see.

Yeah, it was very, very dark, just very, a very startling thing to look

on your nanny cam and your baby is missing.

Do you think she's abusing drugs? Yeah, probably.

Using, not abusing.

It really sounded like a horror movie when you were like,

maybe I watched too many horror movies in the last year. How many?

300, 400?

Well, I guess not that many when you put it like that.

There was this live play, live theater production of paranormal activity in LA. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I heard about that. Everyone I know who saw it said the scares were really good.

All the special effects and whatnot. That's cool.
I'm intrigued by a scary play. But I mean, is it like a proper play where you go sit down or is it like a thing where you watch a wall?

No, it's a play.

It's a play. I think the praise was for the visual effects and it was actually scary.

I don't know if the story was everyone's favorite. I don't know what the story was.
I don't know anything about that.

I was talking about that on a different show about how difficult it is to have an actual scary play. And then people were were sending me this.
So I was intrigued, but I never went to see it.

Yeah, you missed it. They were sending it to you, like, have you seen this asshole?

And then it would, you know, it had really low sound, and I would turn it up, and then it would shout at the end. Yeah.
Yeah. Scary witch.

That was the internet. Am I right? Yeah.

That was the internet. Don't watch this, then you'll see a picture.

What is it? Yeah, if you stare really hard.

If you stare really hard, you're going to see that. You have to see what.
Tell me what you see when your eyes cross and you see the Indians.

That's when everyone was having fun.

Okay.

We have to take a break, but I have to take a break. But

I have an intriguing question. That's what I was going to say.
I have an intriguing question when we come back. Okay.
Oh, that's interesting.

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And we're back. Let's hear this intriguing question.
I don't know if it's intriguing, but what if... Fucking, are you kidding me?

I just want people to come back.

Yeah, that makes sense. That's how you want to end an act.
What if the iconography of Halloween and Christmas was switched? Everything else about it was the same, like what we do,

the traditions, but just on Christmas, there were witches and pumpkins.

Bitch, are you talking about the nightmare before Christmas?

Because that's what it sounds like to me. Been done.

That's what it sounds like to me. I'm just saying, what if there was a

skeleton guy

who ruled over like a Halloween kingdom or something? Right. And he wears like a black and white pinstripe suit and his head is a skull.
I mean, I was thinking a polka dot suit, but yeah, I guess.

Wouldn't it be great, though, to have Santa show up at, you know, on Halloween? I don't know. I guess that is the plot of Night Before Christmas.

I'm saying in real life, not in a cartoon.

I'm standing here in piss.

That is the intriguing question.

By the way. So that was your intriguing question.
Yeah, that's actually a lot to take in.

Much to consider. I'll have to talk to my wife about this.

By the way, Paul, I got something that you might find interesting. Kulap gave me an early Christmas gift, an Advent calendar.

This is the theme. This is the Taskmaster Advent Calendar.
Oh, fun. And I've been having a lot of fun with it.
What do you have to do with it? Is it different tasks every day? Yes. So it has 24

little

openings that you can open on it. Typical Advent calendars.
Windows.

And you. Openings, slits.

Sure. He said that's a good thing.
Yeah, I didn't want it.

Little cunts. Ew.

Ew to me?

Yeah.

You took it too far. You took it too far.

We were letting the audience decide for themselves. Just because that word doesn't mean anything else anywhere else.

So at the beginning, there's a QR code.

Oh, what a fun start.

But also an option if you don't do QR codes. Okay.

But

you're supposed to find Alex. I do QR codes.

Honey, I don't press QR.

You're supposed to find Alex, little Alex horn, in one of the windows. And the QR code takes you to a video where he says where to start, which window to start in.
That's fun. That's fun.

I take it back. And then each window you open has a different task for you to figure out of which square to go to next.

And they're all like puzzles and

brain teasers and interesting things that take you to all these clues. It's very, very detailed.
That sounds great. Yeah,

I've never seen Taskmaster.

Cut to three months from now, you're on it.

I want to be.

I want to be. I know it sounds really fun.

I could see you and Mike enjoying that show together. We should watch it.
We're going to put it in the middle. Let me tell you the good seasons off air.

Okay.

Yeah.

And then I'll share my opinions. Because I tried to watch.
I'll start with number one.

I tried to to watch a season that I didn't really care for first, and it kind of turned me off. And then I talked to Jason Manzukas.
I said, what are the good seasons? And he told me.

I think he actually, we've talked about this, and I've talked about how I would watch them. Yeah.

I never did.

I started at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

Yeah.

You know what I'm watching right now? Wait.

The staircase.

The fictional, the narrative version. Well, not the narrative version.

I've seen the documentary. I've seen the documentary.
Oh, you've seen the documentary. Okay, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Love the docu-series.
Gripping documentary. Gripping.

I think it's like 12 episodes or something. It's like really, we watched it on a flight to Japan and like did not sleep.
We just watched the whole thing. It was so good.

It's fascinating. So then I was curious.
My coworker is watching this. And so I thought, I'll watch that too.
And it's

very. When you say co-worker, you mean Mike, right? Because you work from home.

No, I mean Kevin Sussman on the show that we are shooting together. And happy stuff.
It's

a hat.

But it's great acting. Tony Colette, amazing.
Do they ever do I love her always, yeah. Do they do Shakespeare songs just in the middle?

No, but you know what was interesting? He puts on a British accent as like a joke at one point. And I was like, I wonder what that feels like.
To be pretending to be American.

Yeah, and then let out the, it's like that actually seems like it'd be kind of hard

like if if we were in a plane we all had to be British and we were like hello mate

and then we had to pretend to be American going

well hello there sir

yeah I mean I feel like I've done that many times in yeah in characters you've done

you're British but then you go into American yes I don't go into a bad American accent right a bad one but he but I mean he's

almost

I almost think like saying it as yourself would be harder to do. I think in a non-comedy context, if I were to be doing, trying to do the best English accent that I could,

and then in the middle of that, have to do like an

English person's attempt at an American accent, I guess that would be hard. In order to make it believable, because the person you're portraying is probably not an actor or a mimic.

You know, you're just a regular person.

Right. The mimic, the mimic.
Do you remember that? From

does anyone categorize themselves as a mimic? What's your job? I'm a mimic.

I can just

mimic anything.

It's not a job anymore. Not impersonator.
Weird. Impressionist.
No, Guillermo del Toro kind of,

you know.

Are you okay?

When he put out his movie. Guillermo del Toro says, what?

Guillermo del Sorzo?

Did he direct direct that? The mimic?

Not the mimic, just mimic. Yeah.

That was a GDT? That was, yeah. Before Blade.
Maybe I will watch that because I was not interested in that movie when it came out.

I didn't really like it, and I don't really know anyone who does like it, but yeah, have fun.

I like

it. What an attitude on you.
I'm a fan of Senor Del Toro. As am I, as am I.
I mean, Paul, are you watching anything while on the road? No, ask me. No.

I watched the first day that we got to have a hotel. I watched the entirety of a

TV season.

It was a UK show, so it was not that hard to do. But Blue Lights.
What's that?

It is a show about cops in Northern Ireland in Belfast.

I mean,

it's really good. Yeah, it's really good.

Six episode seasons.

It goes down real smooth. But there's a show that I want to watch.

It just popped up in my algorithm. Sarah Snook in a show called Soulmates that came out in 2020.
Have you heard of this? That sounds freaking out.

And the premise is like there's a test that you can check, you can take to see who your soulmate is, but she's like a happily married person and decides to do the test or something, which sounds like exactly what I'm doing.

Oh, yeah. I do know.
It sounds like a Black Mirror episode.

Yeah.

I'm going to check it out.

I have a microwave. What happens? You know?

Lauren, I told you about a TV show that you should watch, and you never did. The Ethan Hawk Show.

Oh, no, I am going to watch it. Oh, the Lowdown? Yeah, the Lowdown.
I added it to my list. Lowdown was very enjoyable.
I've just been, you know, I only have little moments in the day to watch.

Like, I will watch 20 minutes in my trailer here and there throughout the day if I kind of like to zone out and watch something if I have a moment. And then

my mom works two jobs. Loves her kids, but it never stops.

And when I get home, I can only watch something at night, but then I want to go to bed. And I'm so tired.

So

I'll watch a movie over like five days. Lauren's been shooting her shows.
You have to get up at six or five. No, five.
It's not. We talked about this last episode.
Sometimes 4:30. Yeah.
It's terrible.

And I pretty much every day.

Oh, my goodness. But too early for comedy.
I will say I've had most days I've had good energy. And then the other day, I was so tired that I just couldn't even do bits.
I was like, I'm out of here.

My brain checked out.

Just the last couple nights on this tour, I've been so tired. We sing a song, a group song at the end, end, and I've had to fight off a yawn

on stage, which is mortifying. Remember,

you can't yawn on stage. Remember,

you're singing. You and I fell asleep on stage several times during the show.
That remains the most insane thing that's ever happened during the late

literally dozing off, sitting on a stool. I think it was the Lauren, didn't you? It was the one that you left early from.
Yeah, because

you had an audition in

LA, and you had a special audition with Melissa McCarthy. Yes.
And of course,

you got it.

I didn't get it. And nothing.
Yeah, no. And who got it? Ben Falcone.

But yeah,

you had the audition. So you went on first and then you left.
And then it was just up to Paul and I to do the rest of the show.

Well, and Tim Baltz was there. Oh, Tim Baltz was there.
Okay. Yes.
And it was just you and me. I remember because.
Oh, my God. That was a really long night.

We were not.

like four hours of comedy in a row with like an hour break in the middle or something. It was like, it was like torturously long for us.
Yeah.

When the other person was talking, you would start to fall asleep. Yes.

And then we started running around to wake ourselves up. Yeah, I remember you were doing a thing because you were Andrew Lloyd Weber.

You were doing a thing where we were reenacting you being knighted or whatever just to be on our feet. And just to be like, come on, come on, come on, get the blood rushing.

That's the most insane thing. Yeah.
I think.

That was crazy. Demented.
Demented. And then a woman.
Are we going to tour again? Yeah. A woman did what? A woman yelled at us for you not being there after you.

Oh, yeah. Tell Lauren Lapkus that

I came here to see her and blah, blah, blah. And she needs to meet her fucking abs.
Get out of here. That's not nice.
I had an opportunity. Yes.
Yes.

It didn't. But she thought you were just hanging out backstage, refused to come out.
Oh, that's so rude.

Which, to be fair you've done before i did do that but that was for a different reason yes it's great um and it wasn't diarrhea don't get any ideas out there people because when you have diarrhea you're out there meeting the fans i'll sit there and meet the fans i'm just gonna sit on a potte

um

guys i i it's it's christmas and i thought we i had hoped that we were gonna do this

this episode together but it it didn't pan out that way because of scheduling but um i i did,

much like our Christmas episode last year, I got you some things. What? You got us presents.

And

I wanted to give them to you, but I'll give them to you in person later. But I wanted to show them to you on

mic.

Now,

to set up. Show me on mic where the presents are.

To set up, first of all, the container that it's in,

I texted all of you recently that I was in Solvan, California. Correct.
And I found a store that was very intriguing.

Oh, again with the intrigue. Because it said,

there was a sign that said,

stupid people are not allowed in here.

Yes.

Yes.

And then there was another sign that said, come on in if you're ready to laugh your ass off. That's right.

And it had like novelty gifts in there.

Wasn't it something like carry around humor? Do I

have to do that? Do we want to say what it is on my

spot? Unless these gifts are great. We can give them a plug.
It's a place called Pardon My Humor.

And

I

was just about to buy some stuff. By the way, pardon my humor.

Pardon my humor. I'm disgusting.

Pardon my humor.

But

just as I was about to buy some stuff for you, Emmy started acting up, and we had to leave the store immediately. And so I.
Some things you cannot pardon.

So I went online and I bought these and they shipped them very quickly.

And it was very nice.

What the fuck else do they have to do? They're like, oh, we got an order. It's their business.
But okay, so here

we'll start with

Lauren.

Yes. Okay, here is.
Oh.

Okay. The gift bag says, here's that sex toy you wanted.
Now that's embarrassing.

That's very embarrassing. I'm going to pardon your humor.
I'm going to pardon your humor.

Now they do sell one. Boy, that's very big of you.
They do sell bags that say, here's that dildo you wanted.

But this is a work environment, and I knew I couldn't do that with you guys. So instead, I got the one that's going to be a little bit more.

Okay, I'm going to pretend I'm putting my hand into that perverted bag. Okay, so there's two things in each of your bags.
Here's a

scott, you're spoiling us. You even bought the gift bag? That's big.
Here's a coffee mug for you, Lauren.

Fuck it. All of it.
Fuck this. Fuck that.
Fuck you. Thank you so much.
You're quite welcome. Pardon my humor.

I'm pardoning your humor. That is so

fucking all of it. Fuck this.
Fuck that. Fuck you.
Yeah, anyway, so I hope that you guys will enjoy that. I'll bring that to work.
And then this is not from Pardon My Humor. This is a

here's a little cabbage patch.

Cabbage patch! Thanks. It's being eaten by a shark.

It has a like shark little onesie.

I love it. I thought it was the head was peeking out from the belly of a shark.
That's perfect. It's so cute.
I think it has the birth certificate here.

Okay, I'll be looking into that.

Okay, great. Thank you, Scott.
You're welcome. And then, Paul, I got you the same bag.
Oh, okay. Sorry.

And so far, your coffee mug.

First of all, you said on this show that you don't like coffee mugs.

And

I have not seen it. You did say that.
You did say that. You said you didn't want any more.
You said you didn't want any more, yes. Yeah, that's different than I don't like.

But obviously, this one I have to have. Can you twist a little bit, Scott? The other way?

Okay, it's a picture of a dark rain cloud with lightning and heavy rain coming out of it. And it says around the cloud, don't be a thundercunt.
What the fuck?

Pardon my shuffle. I'm going to pardon your humor.
Because a couple episodes. I'm going to pardon your humor.
A couple episodes ago, you said you didn't like when people use that word.

So you wanted to get them something else. This is another thing that I have to challenge.
Thundercunt. I love when people use that word.
Oh, thundercunt.

When they do their own made-up compound curse words. Yeah, so I got you a thing that you don't want anymore with a thing that you don't like on it.

Thank you. You're welcome.
Honestly,

it's thoughtful because he had to know a lot about you to get that. You know,

people don't realize thoughtfulness cuts both ways.

And then here's your doll that I got you, Paul. Oh, look at a doll.

This is.

Oh, is it Werner from Mandalorian? A Werner Herzog from the Mandalorian action figure. And then what's the white thing?

I think it's his toilet. I'm not really sure.
No, probably his toilet.

Maybe it's his trash can.

I don't know what it is next to it. Well, that is wonderful, and I thank you for that.
The client is his name. Yes, he was famously the client.

They deceived the baby.

When I saw that they made an action figure of him, I knew you had to have it.

That's very sweet of you. Thank you very much, Scott.
Certainly.

We'll wait till you see what I got you.

Okay,

something like that.

Wisconsin gas station

invisible.

Whoa,

wow. You perfected that technology.

I heard about that

time.

Anyway, happy holidays, guys. I know you're both

working and traveling. So

I'll get these to you, though, before

today.

Wow. Thank you.

When this episode comes out. Oh, sure.
Christmas Day.

That's really lovely.

Thank you, Scott. You're quite welcome.
Have you guys gotten all your Christmas shopping done? No.

Yes.

You're done? I got mine done early and often.

This is the earliest I've ever seen. Is Caroline in charge of doing most of it?

Well, she has a little.

Be honest. She has a little.
Be honest.

Is she in charge of? Well, first of all, we don't give everyone things. Like, we've had a no-gifts rule for many years now, just saying, like.
Who's we when you say that?

Because we have like 20 people who come over on Christmas, and

we say no gifts to anyone. If you have to give Emmy something,

she already has enough. But if you insist, make it $20 and under.

But so, so, really, all I'm in charge of is Kulop and Kulop does most of Emmy's. So, I did get Emmy one thing that i that i saw oh twenty dollars

it was the uh

it was from pardon my humor no

i love that store

stop being a fucking robo bitch

um i got i got uh her k-pop demon hunters vans they have these limited edition vans good oh wait

so i got i got cool op and

uh emmy some but the ones for emmy are are two sizes too big And I really had to like the Grinch's heart? Yeah, I really had to. It was the anti-Grinch's heart.
I really had to wrestle.

The anti-Grinch.

These are so cute.

He has 666 emblazoned upon his forehead.

It's so scary.

He's worse than the Grinch. He also hates the 4th of July.
Oh, of course, these are completely sold out.

Yeah,

I'm so cute. I went down to the Van store the morning they were on sale

a half hour before

and I got them, but

second in line. And

but yeah, I got I got some I mean, Cool Up like has a list that keeps updating like in our shared lists. Oh, that's smart.
Just throughout the year? Throughout the year, but here's the issue.

Sometimes she'll take something off the list that I've already bought, and

I don't know why.

And the most diet, did she the most expensive thing that I got her, which is these tickets

for something?

She took off the list. And I don't know whether we're, we're taping this in advance.

I don't know whether she's going to be like, oh, I didn't want these anymore or, you know, why she took them off the list. I can't quite figure out.
She didn't get them herself. No, she didn't.

I know she didn't. I just don't know.
Or maybe she thought it was too

stupid.

I don't know what it was, but I thought it was too stupid.

This is too stupid. I'm such a dumb woman.
Delete, delete, delete.

I've been buying like a mad woman, okay? Because I'm realizing the time is running out for shipping to actually get there on time. And I can't be stressed about things not yet.
Hello?

Paul is, I guess

the cleaning person came in. Housekeeping came in.

Do you have a do not disturb? Yes, I do.

That should be an irony. Thank God you're just sitting here talking into a microphone.
Yeah.

Yeah.

With your dickouts. Meeting.
Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure your dick out is under your computer.

You guys can't see. Don't worry about it.
It's your business.

I've been buying, buying, buying. I've been looking at a lot of gift guides that I'm finding through Substack because, you know, people make unique gift guides, specific gift guides on there.

And you're not being scammed with these?

No, I'm not.

They're not links.

They're not links. They're not.
I use a whole different.

I use a whole different type of internet now. There's no links.
I want you all to have hyperlinks.

Just click them and enjoy.

No, but I've gotten some good stuff, but it's,

you know, I still have a few more to go. And the pressure really is on.
You know, I just want to have it all done. I have to do a lot before Christmas.
I'm working a lot. There's no time.

I just feel like, I don't even know how I'm going to get these presents to my LA friends in time. It's just, it's very,

it's very much

on a person.

They, you know, I think if Christmas is going to continue to be a thing,

then

everyone needs to take work off the entire month in order to accommodate everything they have to do. No, that makes sense.
Because there's just so much to do.

Because both of you are like working up till the last minute.

And it's my busy month as well

with all the podcast stuff.

You know, I feel like this year I feel really bad because

I was kind of thinking, oh, well, I'll be traveling. I'll be in New York for, you know, a bunch of days in a row.
I'll do some shopping there, you know, for Janie and everything.

And then when you get there, it's fucking cold and I don't have a ton of time, you know, to go. I don't, I don't have the leisure time of.

really trying to find something thoughtfully

because there's sound check and then the show and everything. So it's like you have a limited window.
And then I'm like, why? I should have started this so much earlier.

I should have done this when I had some more time every year. And I never learned the lesson.

And it's no, but it's like, I'm never, I never like, I'm going to learn it to the point, and maybe I could, but I'll never learn it to the point where I have it done like in November.

Like some people like have it done so early.

Well, some people, when they, and this is real, I was talking to somebody the other day who, when they have, when an idea occurs to them, they write it down so that when it's, when it comes time, they know they already have an an idea of what they're going to get.

That's really

put in a safe and they mail it to themselves. They mail the safe to themselves.
It's expensive to mail a safe. And then I just open it up.
There's a magician in there.

He's like, dead.

I'm like,

trying to get better at like, if I put something somewhere for later, like make a note in my phone, like a reminder. And I saw, like, maybe I might have said this.

Oh, God, I feel like I always just go through the same thoughts over and over again. That's just life, I think, possibly.
Yeah.

You're trapped in your own cycles of thoughts.

Setting a reminder for yourself that pops up on the day that you need it of like, Janie's gift is hidden under the bed or whatever the thing is, like, so that you remember her birthday.

You bought a gift for Janie and you hid it under Paul and Janie's bed. Yes, and it's there.
And that was my reminder.

Like, my mom will often like hide something away and then be like, I have no clue where I put it. And I'm like, just make a reminder of where you put it.

And she's, why is she still hiding things from people? I don't know.

I can understand hiding because my parents always tried to hide our Christmas presents, and it was always a thing of like, did you go into our closet and look for the presents? You know?

Yeah.

The insatiable curiosity of a child. My dad's always like, what'd you get me? What'd you get me? And digging through everything.
I wish kids would get satiable. Yeah.

What's going to sate these kids? Get sated.

Get your thirst slaked.

Wow. All of these thirst trap gifts for kids.

Well,

I hope that, Paul, that you get everything for Janie. You know, I mean,

we're in a better position than we were 20 years ago when nothing could be delivered really to you. You know what I mean?

You know what? Here's the thing. I did get her one little thing, but I need

the name gift.

I need the big bopper to come and sing for her. Hello,

that's right.

All right. Well, we're going to take a break.
Good. Goodbye.

Uh-oh, the fashion police are here. Can you hear those sirens? Yeah, I can.
Boy, they're here to lock me up for what I'm wearing. I can get you out of this situation.
On bail?

Even better. I won't have to go go to fashion jail in a moment.
Full exoneration. Oh,

if you listen to me. Fashion pardon.
You're going to fashion pardon. Okay.
I'm listening. It starts like this.

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I'm not wearing it right now, which is why I think the fashion police are here. But you should be wearing it.
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Do you mean like five-fourths where it costs more?

No, no, no, the good one. Oh, the good fractions.
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I got some stuff from Quince, Paul.

You're going to be very proud of me. I got a Mongolian cashmere crewneck sweater.
Nice. I'm a big fan of that.
It's great for when you want to feel cozy, but still look, you know, at your best.

I wear it all the time. And honestly, I would wear it even more if my wife weren't borrowing it all the time.
Girl, I hear you. My wife keeps stealing my Quince items.

I have a wonderful soft cashmere hoodie that I got from them. Oh,

and she has claimed it as her own, which that is honestly very aggravating. My wife has also been going into our bank accounts and stealing money from my own bank account that I have kept secret.

And I'm really concerned about that. My wife has literally taken food out of my mouth.
Oh, no. Like, I put a forkful of food in my mouth and she's taken it out of me.

That's the right amount as far as I'm concerned. A forkful.
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And we're back.

And guys, it's Christmas time. It's that time of year.

And

normally at this time of the podcast, which is the back third, of course, C-block,

we usually play what is commonly known as a buster.

Uncommonly known as a to the layperson, perhaps a threecher. Sometimes you wouldn't buster.

That's true. But we don't call it ever as a game.
We never call it. Do you remember those

CD opener things where it'd be like a little like razor that you like slide off top of a CD?

I thought I just found in my drawer, but it wasn't that.

I remember this year that my one year my parents got me and my brother boom boxes for Christmas, like cool stereos with like that could do a five CD disc changer or something. We each got one

and some CDs. And we got one of those little openers.
It was like so cool, like opening your new CDs.

Slicing.

I remember, I think, the Jay-Z album, I think it's whatever, Carter III or whatever. Not the Carter III, but the Life and Times of Sean Carter III or something like that.

But I remember the first song. The intro starts with him saying like, yeah, you're in your car.
You're taking the rapper off the CD.

He was the first person to acknowledge that we all had to open these CDs wrappers. But it's also, if I'm listening to you, I've already taken the wrapper off.
I know. Come on.
That was Sean.

That was the one thing. You just took the wrapper off this.

You're trying to figure out: do you put it in your glove compartment? Do you put it in the little cup holder?

You're walking around the store looking for me.

So this boostero. Yeah, so it's Christmas Day, and what else could we play?

But a Christmas Find Out Who game.

And the song goes like this:

Christmas, find out who's game.

Christmas, find out who's find out a new game. Christmas, find out who's find out who games.
Christmas, find out who's a game.

That's how it goes. And I found possibly new questions that we haven't answered, possibly not.
And if it's not, I don't care. So here are the questions.

We're not going to remember the answers to these questions, regardless of if they're new or if they're old.

So the way it works.

So sorry to interrupt, but I open my notes app to write my answers down, and I see a

big

bold note that I've written that says laundry to whatever.

That's not helpful. It really is.

Do you think it was an autocorrect?

Zero idea.

Laundry to whatever.

Okay.

Now

we're going to list who we think is the most likely to do this Christmas activity. Yes.
And

how do you get it right? If the person says, I am the least likely or I am not, I would not do that.

I think

if you want a person being guessed about, you get a point if the other people guess incorrectly.

Right.

If they guess correctly, they get the point. Yeah.

And this is on the honor system.

Yourself, like if I write scoring. Just the people who guess get points.
Yeah. Who knows? No, but everyone's going to guess at the same time.

We're going to read the topic, then we each write who is the most likely to do that. And if we all

have to write because you include yourself, yes.

We all have to sort of agree on who the person is at the end of it after a healthy debate.

Yeah, and then that, and then they get the point. Okay.
Andrew. And the person whoever put the right name.
Yeah. Okay.
To begin,

who is the Christmas Christmas most likely to start decorating for Christmas in October?

Should we reveal our answers one at a time after each question?

Or do we do them all? We should do all the questions.

All the questions first.

The refresh with answers, yes. Okay.

Can I ask a just a.

If wives count? Yeah.

No, they don't. Okay.

Gotcha.

Who is the Christmas most likely to sing Christmas carols at the top of their lungs?

Hmm, this is oh gosh. My answer is locked in.

I'm locked in.

Would you like to play a Christmas? Find out who came.

Okay, I'm

I switched. Okay, and now I'm locked in.

Who is the Christmas most likely to organize a neighborhood Christmas lights competition?

Competish.

Again, why why spouses do not count? No.

You aren't cool up. You're your

guys. I am

likely to do this.

Are you?

Everybody ready? Yep. Yeah.
Who is the Christmas most likely to forget to defrost the turkey in time for Christmas dinner?

Yep.

Yep. Yep.
Yep. Yep.
Yep. Yep.
yep, yep, yep. Who's having turkey on Christmas dinner? I know it's a

lot of people. You guys do turkey on Christmas dinner.
Everyone does.

We're more of a ham fam in my family. Yeah.

We're a ham fam. I think

we're doing a brisket, I believe, this year.

There was one year that I brisket, a brasket. That I did a full prime rib and the big green egg.

A full prime rib and a big green egg.

Well, hold on to your hats and glasses, folks. I'm going to tell you a story about a full prime rib and a big green egg.
Well, it seems old Scott Ockerman woke up on Christmas morning.

There was a year on Thanksgiving where we were like,

this turkey tasted so good.

Why are we only doing this once a year? And then we made like three during the year. And

it was fun.

And then we've never done it. It's wild.
Yeah, it is wild. Because so much fucking work.
Yeah. Excuse me.

Who is the Christmas most likely to watch L for Home Alone on repeat during December?

All right, I'm locked in. Locked in? I think I told you guys I had goose one time at the Tammond Shanter.
Oh, yeah. Wow.
They only had it one year, and it was so good. Wow.
Never had it before.

And then geese went instinct.

They went instinct.

They went instinked up the whole house.

Thank you. Okay.

What Christmas? Who's the Christmas most likely to bake the best gingerbread cookies? Bake the best gingerbread cookies.

I'm locked in. All right, I'm locked in.

Who's the Christmas most likely to,

because it says Christmas most likely to on my chart here,

have a perfectly coordinated Christmas tree? Now, see, a wife could be included in that because you have it. Oh, so to own it.
Okay. Oh, interesting.
Interesting. Okay.

Not to skew the numbers on this one. Well, you just did.
So congrats.

Now, who's the Christmas most likely to be found shopping on Christmas Eve? Ah.

What if we found that every single topic we've talked about on this show previously has been Lauren seeding this into conversation so she wins.

And I remember everything you ever said for the first time. Like Keyser Sos.
La Keeser Sos.

Who is the Christmas most likely to fall asleep waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve?

Fall asleep waiting for Santa. I mean, none of us.
We all know he's not real, right? Oh, oh, wait.

Scott. Scott.

Sorry, Lauren didn't know?

People listen to this with their elderly parents in nursing homes.

Who is the Christmas most likely to eat all the candy canes off the tree before before Christmas Day. Off the tree.
That's an important distinction.

Candy canes on a table won't touch them. Candy canes on a tree? That's for me.
That's for me. Yeah, we got it.

All right, who's the Christmas most likely to sneak a peek at their presents before Christmas morning? Hmm.

Let's move a little faster. We're almost done.

How many questions are there?

Just four more.

Four more.

So that means 15. Four more.

Who's the Christmas most likely to forget to buy batteries for the toys?

Four more.

Four more.

Who's the Christmas most likely to re-gift something they received last year?

Four more.

Four more.

Who's the Christmas most likely to burn the Christmas dinner?

And finally, finally hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on

four more

who's the christmas most likely to host an epic ugly christmas sweater party

okay okay now we're gonna start at the top that's the girl who is most likely to start decorating for christmas in october

i

think lauren i also put lauren now

we were decorated by the way for christmas two days after Thanksgiving, but that's my wife's doing.

No, and I was too, right around Thanksgiving. So, so

we all get a point because we all said Lauren. Okay.
You know what? We had our trio before Thanksgiving. Well,

because I was leaving, you know,

Thanksgiving Eve.

Thieves. But sing Christmas carols at the top of their lungs.
I put Paul F. Tompkins.
I put Lauren because Paul has gone on record as saying he does not like Christmas music. I put Scott.

I do sing at the top of my lungs.

I

you know what?

Paul, I've been thinking about you

lately because I semi,

you know, I

collect Christmas music I have for you know 30 years.

Yeah.

But this year I've I have barely played any and I put some on around Emmy and she kept saying like, we've heard this one. We've heard this one.
Anytime

a song that we had heard, you know, a different version of a song, we've heard.

And I was like, That's the nature of Christmas music. It's repetitive and annoying.
And I sort of was like, 12 songs for each day of Christmas.

But I sort of was like, Oh, God, this is all annoying me. Maybe it was exacerbated by her saying, We've heard this one over and over.
I think so. That probably has something to do with it.
But

I will say this:

I want to clear the record.

I don't hate, I don't dislike Christmas music overall. I'm just very particular about the kind that I like.

But I thought you might be in a show singing at the top of your lungs.

That is true. But you just said earlier that you were having trouble singing at the top of your lungs.
So I don't think.

Okay. So.
Yeah, I forgot that I said that.

That you were tired. I think I know.
I actually do sing Christmas carols in my car at the top of my lungs. Okay, so I said Lauren, so I get a point.
We all

okay.

Organize a neighborhood Christmas lights competition. Who would do that? What number is this? This is three.

Number three. I've said Lauren.

I said me. I said Paul.
And I wouldn't want to make everyone do that. I wouldn't want to go say, can you please put up lights?

I can see Paul being out there and like saying, you know, saying, you know what, this year? Because Paul, you're good about that where you say like you organize something

fun for everyone to do. So yeah, I'll say Paul.
I feel like if I got to, I would do such a thing if I

knew the people involved. Right.
Yeah, if I knew everyone. Not the neighborhood.
I'm not going to go knocking. You know, I have something of a sort of maybe scary.

And I don't think any of us are going to do it in our current situations, but Paul. Exactly.
I think you're, I think I would agree, even though I didn't put you, I think I agree that it would be you.

Thanks, Matt. Uh-huh.
Who would forget to defrost the turkey in time for Christmas dinner? Number four. This is number four.
This is four.

I put me. Bless the baby.

I put Paul. Yeah.
Yes. I think we all get Paul.

No explanation needed.

Hey, forgetful cut.

Forget to do anything. The answer is Paul.

God damn it.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Who would watch Elf or Home Alone on repeat during December?

Okay, I put myself, and this is because I've seen it three times so far, and we are, I'm taking Emmy to see it again tomorrow in a few minutes.

Elf.

Elf, okay. We've watched Home Alone like five times.
Um, I put myself because of my children, but also my desire to always have Christmas movies on. I put Lauren.

So, who is it? I think nobody voted for you.

I voted for me.

Oh, hmm, that's tricky. You voted for you, huh? Yeah,

purely because I had the data to back it up. Let's just say we all get a point.
Okay.

Because, you know, this doesn't matter or anything. Okay.
So

who's most likely to bake the best gingerbread cookies? Number six.

I said Scott. I said Scott.

I said Lauren mainly because I have.

She's a woman. No,

because she's the most into Christmas. So she's my default answer for most of these.

I don't really go out of my way to bake. I would like to, but that's not something that I really do.
You do do that. I do.

Cakes, but I've opted out of the Christmas competition now for two years in a row. Although I was thinking about getting into it this year.
So, okay,

I think I'm the last score. We get the camp before retirement.
Just when you left the camera.

Who is most likely

to have a, this is number seven, have a perfectly coordinated Christmas tree. Scott.

I said Scott because of the, yeah. Yeah, because Kulop has already done it.
Yeah. Yeah.

Who's most likely to be found shopping on Christmas Eve? This is Paul. Me.

I said Paul. Yeah.
Fucking assholes. Sorry.
I also was thinking of myself, though, because I'm often out at the mall at the last minute thinking I need more things. Yes.
Even though I'm done.

All right. Number nine.
Number nine.

Dr. Scholes in Souls.
It's always like that, the last minute. Put some stuff in the stocking.
Okay.

Who is most likely to fall asleep waiting for Santa on Christmas?

I said, I said Lauren.

I said Lauren because I think you're so tired doing the show now, you're waiting for Santa, aka Mike, to put together whatever he's putting together and you fall asleep on the couch.

I said Paul because I just pictured you dozing off watching a movie or something, and then Santa comes in and it's all unexpected.

Lauren, I pictured you dozing off on the sofa with your little legs curled up and there's a fire and the glow of the Christmas tree lights and you just couldn't stay awake anymore.

I picture you, Lauren, falling asleep. You're on the floor.
Your door, your front door is wide open.

And

am I okay?

And the EMTs are outside. They've just arrived.

Okay, stop picturing me like that. Your finger is still on the floor.
I'm going to give it to you both. You each get that point.
Okay. Thank you.
Thank you.

Who's most likely to take all the candy canes off the tree before Christmas? Off the tree, I said.

I said Paul. Yeah.

Because I wouldn't be allowed. I said not too for some reason.

I don't like candy canes that much. I think you both get that since Paul voted for himself.
There's no way that I would ever dare to take anything off the tree that's been so

immaculately. We did used to put candy canes on the tree when I was a kid.
It's a cute decoration. I've never really done that, but that's a nice idea.

We did the full-size ones too, not the little ones. Oh, wow.
The one, the actual full-size human canes, like that a person would use to walk. Yeah, they're blind canes.
Yeah.

With a red tip on the end. Right.

I guess they weren't candy canes at all. Daredevil canes?

Who's the most likely to sneak a peek at their presents before Christmas? I said Scott. I said

Scott. Yeah.
Yay. We all have blankets.
I've done it. I'm guilty.
Who's the most likely to forget to buy batteries for the toys?

I said me. I said, Paul.
I said

Yeah, you guys get a point. Okay.
Thank you.

Who's the most likely to re-gift something they received last year? Lauren. I said, Scott.
I said, me.

I think it's Lauren because

I never regift anything, but I am kind of notorious for not opening.

Like, I'll open a gift and then it will sit there and I won't use it for years.

And it'll be as far as. I will sometimes re-gift.
If I receive, because, you know, sometimes I get cool free stuff. Yeah.
I will gift that.

So I sort of, it's not like someone gave it to me and I'm re-gifting it. It's more like I received this from a company, but I don't need this thing, but you'll probably think this is cool.

And so I traded it up, but usually I'll add something to it. I won't just give a gift that didn't cost me anything, even though I could.
I just for Thanksgiving finally

my

a really nice meat thermometer that Kulop gave me, which is like hooks up to an app and all this kind of stuff.

Really nice, but I got it two Christmases ago, and it has been sitting there in my pile of Christmas gifts that I have not used.

And I finally just used it, so it got out of the pile. So here's what you need to do because my friend Arden helped me clear out some clothes in my closet recently.
My friend Eminem had some

and I had some clothes with tags on them. And she was like, take off the tag.
Now it's yours. You own it.
Now wear it.

And there's something about that where it's like, because I think you can go like, I'm not able to return it anymore. It's past that point, but I still have the tag on.

And then for some reason, I'm like never wearing it because it doesn't feel like it's part of the rotation. It feels like, oh, I have to decide to wear that thing.

And it did start, just kind of force me to just use some of the stuff. And so I think if you get a present, you should just open it immediately and put it and like look at it, use it.

And then the first day.

One of the presents I got last year was a video game that I didn't have the console for.

Oh.

So

Did it return it?

No, I had to, because I wanted it eventually, but it was for the new Nintendo thing. And

the minute I opened it, I knew that I didn't have the right console. And Kulap was so excited about it.
Like, are you going to play it today? And

I had to figure out how to gently tell her, oh, we don't have this.

But I finally got it in the last two months. So now I can play it.
I have congrats. but I can.

I one time got a present from somebody who just had, you know, it's not somebody I knew well, but I knew that they had terrible taste and I wasn't going to like it.

And then I just re-gifted it, like still wrapped to somebody else, and it turned out it was a bearded dragon and it died. Oh, no.

Yeah, I felt really bad. It's got too long of it.

Yeah, it's beard got too long. We have two more.

Okay. This is 14

the Christmas dinner.

Wait, what number is this? 14. Who's most likely to burn the Christmas dinner? I said, Lauren.

I said, me. I don't know.
I said me. I said Lauren just definitely would.
You've talked about not being a girl. I'm going to give it to me and Scott.
Okay.

Two out of three. Okay.
And finally, who's the most likely to host an epic, ugly Christmas sweater party? Lauren.

I said, Lauren.

I said, Scott, even though my instincts were saying it was me. So

I think you're both right.

By the way,

I'm going to take off a point for the elf thing just because you guys voted together on that. And that's how we ended up playing.
So

I got 12 total. Don't worry about it.

So I was not keeping track. Okay, great.
Are we supposed to keep track of just our own points? Yes. Yes.
If you want to win something.

This is jaws all over again. No, no, it is not.
I thought because Lauren was being the sort of game master

that she was keeping track of all of our points. I didn't really.
No, we never said you keep track of your own points. Okay, well, I'm sorry.
I don't care.

I don't care. I'm actually fine.
Lauren, how many? I had fun playing with my friend. How many points did you get, Lauren? 10.
10.

I think Scott. How did you get, Scott? I got 12, but

I think I got 15. Yeah, probably.

You got them all, right? I think I crushed this.

Okay.

Well, that's how you play the Christmas Find Out Who game, of course. And we have to conclude by singing the song.
Yes.

Christmas, Find Out Who game.

Christmas, Find Out Who game.

Christmas, Find Out Who game.

Christmas Find Out Who game.

That sounds terrific. Yep.
I loved it.

Well, guys,

this is

the end of the road for us.

And we have to say, for a little bit, because we are going on hiatus for a bit yes hiatus this is big news that's Latin yes we are taking we wanted to use some Latin to kind of make it seem classier yes but we're late Tippus does fugit but we are taking a little break we'll we will be back um I want to say that uh sketch fest in uh January San Francisco sketch fest I'm doing

I believe it is seven shows in three days. Wow.
So come up and see that. What?

Are you doing all seven on one day and then taking two days off? Yeah, just to relax.

But that's, I'm doing Variatopia, Spontorco,

fake TED Talks.

That's where you're playing the fake.

Yeah.

That's amazing. Can I continue? Yeah, go ahead.
I legitimately thought you were frozen because you were so still

with rage. I was still with rage.

What else am I doing? Thrilling Adventure Hour, Work Juice Improv, and the Neighborhood Listen Live.

Go see Paul, even if you're not in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Yeah.

Make a trip. Make a trip out of it.
Book a flight. Book one flight in your goddamn life.
You piece of shit.

Yeah, but

I don't, you know, I mean, of course, we still have merch out there at.

Of course we do.

I forget what the URL is, but we still have some out there, and you can get it. Go to kinshipgoods.com slash threedom, maybe

slash threedom. Great shirts for sale.

And kinship is also a great place in general. Yeah.

We go hang out there sometimes.

Oh, yes.

It's a boys and girls. Hanging on the stoop, singing doo-wop songs.

Have a great holiday, everybody. Have a great holiday.
And we're going to be back in a few months, and we'll talk to you then, everyone

thank you for listening we really do appreciate it uh our fans are great we love them it's it's so nice to meet people in the wild and um they're always very sweet and we really appreciate it and this year if you come up with any name better than piss pigs we'll entertain it yeah if you want to wow you think we'll get a new name

i wonder i don't know i would if i were them it was such a laborious electoral process last time

yeah with checks and balances They made a delegate system.

Yeah.

Every state.

Just do a poll online. The convention was nuts because it was a brokered convention, I remember.
It was. Yes.
Yeah. That's right.

But

have a great new year. We'll talk to you in a few months.

And maybe then we'll find out what is the frequency. Kenneth.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Bye!

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