171: Maybe Not So Obvious?

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Hi, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Too Hot Takes.
I was going to do that. Let's hear yours.
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Okay. Well, this week's theme is called, It's Not So Obvious.
And these are stories based on the title where you're like, hmm, it could go either way. There's a lot to the discussion.
A lot of them I added to this

folder at least two months ago. So I don't even remember what the story entails, but some of them

are new. And based on the comments, I was like, ooh, juicy.
So we're getting into it.

Okay.

Okay. Let's do it.

Let's go.

Let's dive in. so up first so this one is coming from best of redditor updates it is a year old on their sub but the original post was january 2nd 2021 it is titled 23 male boyfriend, 24 male won't talk to me and is suggesting we break up after I saw his burn scars.
Throw away because my boyfriend follows my actual account. My boyfriend's house burned down when he was young after electrical issues never disclosed to his parents.
He and his father were severely burned. They lived, but his mother died.
Oh, God. He and I met in freshman year and became friends in sophomore year.
I've never seen his scars in full good view until now. Only small glances if his shirt rode up and he'd quickly fix his shirt to then cover it.
He always hid his scars, constantly wearing jeans, pants, and long sleeve shirts, even if it's super hot outside. His scars start from the bottom half of his ribs to just above his knees.
So this is the only way he can cover them. Even bringing his pajamas into the bathroom to change into.
He's done this ever since I've known him. Even after sex, which we do in the dark, which doesn't bother me because I know this is what makes him comfortable, he'll immediately get changed back into his clothes before we cuddle or do anything else.
Once again, I'm fine with this, just trying to explain I know how uncomfortable he is with his scars. I know he is ashamed of his scars, and when we were friends, I was fiercely protective and always changed the subject if his scars got brought up, which he always thanked me for.
I have never and would never ask or pressure him to show me. I don't judge his scars or think they're ugly.
I thought he knew I wouldn't judge him because some of his dad's burn scars are impossible to cover up, one of them covering half of his face, and never once have I judged or even thought his dad's scars were disturbing. He's a very handsome man.
They both are, which is why I'm so confused by his reaction and accusations of this. I work weird hours.
I'm a nurse. So sometimes I can come home at 9am, sometimes 5pm, sometimes the ass crack of dawn.
I went to immediately take a shower. I was in airplane mode and was completely exhausted.
I opened the bathroom door and he was getting changed. I saw his scars.
I'll admit, I stared. Not because I thought they were gross, but because I was having an oh shit moment knowing that I had fucked up.
He and I have been dating for almost a year. I had to move into his place a while ago after my parents went no contact and cut me off after I came out and told them I was dating boyfriend.
Long story short, toxic Bible thumping parents. So I'm not used to sharing an apartment with someone.
He blew up at me, yelling at me to quote, get out. Note, he has never yelled at me before this.
Sure, we got in spats and small fights where he raised his voice, but never has he full-on yelled. I shut the door and he went quiet.
I was pacing in the kitchen for almost 20 to 30 minutes when he quickly walked past me trying to leave when I stopped him. He was pissed, yelling at me that he thought, quote, I would know how to knock by now and questioning if I did it on purpose.
I was trying to explain while trying not to cry because I saw how red his eyes were. I knew he was crying.
I couldn't say anything, just made incomprehensible sobs as I tried to explain that I was, but he wouldn't listen and left without saying where he was going. I'm heartbroken.
He texted me an hour ago with a single measure of, quote, I'm not coming home. Tomorrow we can talk about our relationship.
Oh my gosh. I immediately messaged him back, asking what that meant and spent several minutes watching that little text incoming bubble pop in and out before he texted, quote, whether we should stay together as if it was obvious.
Oh my gosh. I have no idea what to do.
He's my boyfriend, my best friend of eight years. What the hell do I do? I love him.
I can't imagine life without him. His dad is like a father to me.
I have nowhere else to go if he kicks me out. Above it all, I can't lose him.
I can't imagine life without him. His dad is like a father to me I have nowhere else to go if he kicks me out Above it all.
I can't lose him. I'd rather have to go through coming out again than lose him How do I make it up to him? How do I let him know that i'm sorry and never meant to make him uncomfortable? Wow, holy shit That's a lot.
I hadn't read this one and I don't know the update and i am screaming inside i'm like it's a bad update i swear to god we're just gonna have to end the episode like i don't think mentally i can handle it because i'm like i'm tearing up at the thought of like what they're both going through this is such a tough one i i mean it's the thing is is that OP didn't do anything wrong. You accidentally opened a door with your partner who you sleep with, you're intimate with.
It was a reaction. Stared because like, oh shit, I know I'm not supposed to do this because my partner doesn't want me to see these scars.
But like at the end of the day, this is just a really, really deep rooted insecurity of his partner. And that's something that the partner is going to need to work through because any relationship, like let's say that they decide to end the relationship, anything moving forward, mistakes like that would, will happen.
It's, I mean, when you're that close with somebody, when you're that intimate with somebody somebody I don't know how that you can avoid accidentally running into each other Like without You know does that make sense? No completely completely I I totally understand The deer in headlights moment because I would probably do the same thing I would sit there and open the door and be like, oh shit And you you just kind of freeze. And then you like awkwardly like stumble out like, oh shit, sorry.
And like, I think we can all be like, okay, well his reaction is a little maybe over the top, but on the opposite side, I can see like he is deeply, deeply hurt. And I don't like, I don't know if it's insecure.
I would be really curious to like peg down what the emotion is. Like if the guy goes to therapy.
But I wonder if he almost views these scars as a reminder of losing his mom. Yeah.
And so then it's like even more. It's like even more emotionally tied.
And so it's like, I hate these scars. They took my mom like there's so much you could absolutely like hypothesize that he's struggling with but it is tough because it's like was this a boundary that was expressed like hey please knock because of the comment like hey i figured you know how to knock by now yeah like was that a boundary already and it's just getting left out well unless op did it on purpose like it mistake it's a mistake you know and like that forgetting to knock on your partner shouldn't be relationship ending and even obviously like there's we have so much sympathy for what the partner is going through and what the scars remind him of like i that's unfathomable like that's just horribly painful like the memories that are associated with all of that and so I like the word insecurity I don't mean like insecurity of like oh my god like it's embarrassing because of how it looks but just insecurity because it's like it's such a like a deep pain yeah that you want to like hide to like hide.
I think insecurity that word can be taken the wrong way. Sometimes I feel like insecurity is one of those words that can mean like a magnitude of things.
It has like multiple meanings. It can be it can be a negative thing like, oh, I'm insecure about that.
But it can also be something that like maybe you just went through something traumatic and you associate it with that. And now it's like insecurity i feel like i i get what you're saying you don't mean it like it's something like vain wrong with him it's not no like it's not yeah no no yeah i just mean like that like it's yeah it's such a reminder of this pain and so you know i wonder if he's going to therapy i would assume no i mean maybe i don't I don't know.
I think I would assume no, though, too, especially based on the lengths he goes. Because, I mean, one, the sun can damage scars more.
So maybe the long sleeves are actually those SPF shirts. But as someone that hates being hot and is self-consciousconscious of my arms so i like wear like long sleeve stuff even though i'm warm i it is a struggle and the whole time i'm like i'm so fucking hot i want to be in a tank top i'm working on it guys i'm working on it that's an insecurity of mine yeah there we go but wow yeah this is tough this is really tough because I mean he's a nurse too coming back from a shift like he's tired drained wipe not thinking he's had a long shift oh i'm really scared about this this update you guys why does it sound like it's not good i don't know so we do have an edit okay on the original post so op responds to a comment from valor fox potatoes saying they brought up a good point that made me think so i should specify he was bullied for his scars a huge bully of his from middle school always sniffed the air when he entered class and said really loudly quote ew you guys smell that smells's burning.
Oh my God. I can't even tell you how upset that makes me.
Like I need to take a second. That's so sickening.
And then like in parentheses, Opie adds, he was a little chubby in middle school every time he entered a room and then laughed. That's so messed up.
Oh my God. i don't care that they're kids kids need to be better it's so messed up having gone through that and having your kid get bullied and like kids are saying this to them and then i can't imagine being the bully's parents i would want to drop drop kick my kid oh my god fucking across a fucking, oh, I was going to say football field.
How do you not just like go off on your kid when they're little assholes like that? Like that? I don't know. What do you do if you have a kid like that? For people out there where your kid's been a bully, what the fuck did you do? Well, it's also like, because I wonder too, I'm like nurture versus nature.

I'm like,

are you like teaching them to be like this

or did they just like come out just-

Like other parents.

A tear.

Yeah.

OP does go on to say,

also in small glances,

a lot of our guy friends would say how,

quote,

cool it is.

Looks like Deadpool's skin.

They were trying to be nice,

but failed horribly. Hence my fierce protectiveness over anyone bringing it is.
Looks like Deadpool's skin. They were trying to be nice, but failed horribly.
Hence my fierce protectiveness over anyone bringing it up. And his family always emphasized it doesn't matter what he looked like on the outside because he was beautiful on the inside.
Seriously, what the fuck? He's also mentioned having a really bad ex-girlfriend who had issues with his scars in the past but never went too deep into it and i'm starting to wonder if that's what his overreaction and suggestion of a breakup was rooted in i'm taking mental notes on all of the comments on what's the best way to approach this and they're really helping so thank you and i guess i don't know with the update but like i don't I don't feel like OP's partner meant it I felt like that was just a reaction to a lot of pain it's hard for me to think that with all of that history that they have that that friendship turning into a romantic relationship that OP's partner would actually want to end the relationship it's more of just like a way to try to protect himself. Self-sabotage in order to protect.
Yeah, I could see that. Wow.
Also, I've probably thought about this before, but maybe forgot until like this post is bringing it up. But saying someone is beautiful on the inside is such a backhanded compliment slap in the face

disparaging

What the fuck like?

Oh, well at least you're beautiful on the inside

So you think i'm ugly?

Yeah, it's well to say that

To say that it doesn't matter the outside because you're beautiful on the inside

Why why would you phrase it beautiful on the inside. Why?

Why would you phrase it that way?

What?

What?

You're beautiful on the outside and the inside.

There you go.

I helped you.

Like, come on.

And that's that was OP.

Or that was the partner's family, right?

Yeah.

Family.

Just wow.

Family.

Oh, so the top comment on the original post. First, give him time to cool down.
He's extremely embarrassed, and his immediate reaction is to be defensive. You need to talk to him.
You say you're sorry for violating his privacy. You, of course, would never do that on purpose.
And hope he knows you love and respect him enough not to have done that on purpose. You will, of course, continue to be careful and respectful of him and his space, but you also hope he knows you well enough after almost a decade to know you wouldn't do it on purpose.
Then you let him do what he wants, but don't make it about the scars. And Opie does reply reply i think he was lashing out in embarrassment too thank you are we ready for the update yeah oh god okay where is it you're scaring me i don't know what it is lauren i'm just i'm nervous update so i tried to update this yesterday but can't post within 48 hours so i was going to wait but someone dm'd me to suggest I just put the update here so Here we go.
That was in all caps A lot of your comments were very helpful and I didn't get to reply to some but I read them Most of them were along the same basis Get him to go to therapy and make sure he knows his scars aren't an issue for me, as well as setting up a place to stay in the worst case scenario that he kicked me out. Spoiler alert, that did not happen.
Okay. Okay, everyone can breathe.
Maybe. I didn't sleep a lot last night and based on some of the comments, thank you, Trizzy, again.
I decided to send a text that I love him and his scars don't bother me so that it could relieve some tension. He didn't respond to that, but he came back in the morning.
We talked for hours. Where it started with me apologizing for walking in on him and that I didn't mean to.
He admitted that he knew that and apologized for yelling. I suggested we get locks on doors and he seemed pretty happy about that.
To clear the air, I asked him about the quote, whether we should stay together text and if it was rooted in his ex-girlfriend, basically asking if she broke up with him over that. He admitted that he thought she didn't mind his scars and took his shirt off in front of her.
She decided to gasp and start making a big deal about how he, quote, cheated her. Oh my God.
And that he made it seem like the scars, quote, weren't that bad and broke up with him. What is up with these evil people? Like, it was a fire accident.
Like, what do you mean? It's not like he just got a tattoo that you didn't like. Like, what? It was a traumatic incident that he survived from.
Like, how are people acting like this towards him? It's so horrible. The lack of it's crazy quite concerning like for her to say you cheated me like what i think i'm gonna like i'm literally gonna create an empathy course for assholes like this he lost his mom from this experience like oh my god this is this is so sad sorry go on op goes on to say I have a newfound hatred for her now He said he knew it wasn't an excuse, but his brain immediately went to that and he freaked out I asked if he wanted to break up and he was just trying to find an excuse and he quickly said no Specifically that he was just trying to give me an out if I wanted it.
Yeah, that's exactly what I thought. When I tell you I was relieved, he asked if I wasn't disgusted, why did I then stare? And I said that I had an oh shit moment of panic knowing I fucked up.
He felt awful and apologized for making me feel so uncomfortable in our home. Every time he says our home, I have a serotonin high.
And that he would try to work on being more comfortable with his scars. That is when I suggested therapy.
He instantly got defensive saying that he already had therapy and it didn't work very well. I pointed out that the way he wants us to live isn't healthy,

that we can have locks and a knock-before-entering policy, but him expecting me to never see him naked was unfair to both of us, that it was his insecurities getting worse and me enabling it. He was dismissive of these points, saying how it wouldn't change things.
It didn't work the first time. Why would it work now? Oh, he's so young.
No, just because you had one bad experience, the world is so much bigger than that. There's so many therapists.
Well, some suck. Some are great.
No, I mean, I meant like, okay, got it. I, when he said it didn't work then, I thought he meant it with my ex-girlfriend.
No therapy. Yeah.
Okay. I pointed out how he almost threw out a nine-year-old relationship over me accidentally walking in on him.
He tried to say that locks would help stop that from happening again. Me walking in on him, not throwing out the relationship.
And I said, quote, it might, but I don't want you walking on eggshells either. I want you comfortable with me.
I want you to trust me. He begrudgingly agreed to talk to his dad about what therapist he went to and going to see them.
I'm going to text his dad just to make sure he does in a few days. I also repeated a suggestion that other people suggested about getting tattoos or going to couples counseling, and he just stared.
He asked something along the lines of, quote, why do you care about seeing my scars so much? You didn't care before. Not mean or aggressive, just genuine confusion.
I kind of laughed awkwardly and said, quote, I thought that you would show me on your own when you were ready, but I don't know about that anymore. Baby, I love you, but I don't want you to feel like you have to hide your scars from me, nor do I want you to worry about me breaking up with you overseeing your scars.
I love all of you, including your scars. He started crying.
Me too. Was the first time in the conversation.
Tons of tears shed on both ends and I comforted him.

He said he didn't want me to be stressed out in our home and that he was sorry.

He was a lot more open to couples counseling than personal therapy, which was a half win that I'll take for now.

We talked about our future some more and I asked if he ever thought that he would be

comfortable enough with me seeing his scars. He said that he wants to show me, but he's not ready yet.
I was happy to accept that, especially since he's agreed to couples counseling and therapy. I am so proud of him.
I've summarized a lot here, but once again, this was a very long, long talk. We got dinner and slept, which we both really, really needed.
And as of today, I'm doing research on couples therapists while he went to work. Long story short, we are getting on a better path with a plan for the future where I can see his scars.
I won't be showing him this post because quite a few comments were pretty rough on him, and he doesn't deserve to read that for a having reasonable breakdown. Lord knows that man has dealt with plenty of my breakdowns.
Thank you, everyone, for the suggestions and support. All the Hug Awards made my day, so thank you.
Oh, good. I love that it had a happy ending.
I do, too. That's really wonderful.
I'm like, I wish there was more. I was more i'm like i want to know more like where are they at today they just start a whole documentary on their lives like where we'd watch it are you yeah where are you we love you guys it's such a cute romance i'm i'm obsessed how beautiful is it to find someone that sees you? All of you.
Yeah. And again, like we've said, like the scars are not his fault.
They're from like such a traumatic thing. But like that is it's just beautiful because look at what that asshole of a girlfriend did.
like, not everyone is so loving and compassionate. And for him to find someone that always defends him and loves him for him, it's just— It's beautiful.
It's beautiful. Yeah.
I'm really—I am baffled by the craziness of some of the people. I get kind of worried randomly with like a story like this because since we are saying it on a podcast I'm like well I don't want his partner to come across this podcast and then hear his story and then be like well what did they say about me like show me the post.
I honestly feel like looking at the comments, though, on the original, most were very, very, very positive. A lot of people were understanding.
I mean, we read the top comment, but a lot of people are just like, people should go, he should go to therapy. Good.
Traumatized by the incident and the bully that followed. Not embarrassment embarrassment exactly he was triggered there's unresolved pain there like a cut that never scabbed over Okay, and if you touch the wound there's pain and blood Yeah, i'm not seeing A lot of negative.
No, no, it's I was very supportive. I was shocked when that.
Yeah. And maybe early on, like when I feel like when a post initially gets posted on Reddit, you get a mix of flooding in.
And it takes a bit for the post to gain some traction. And then the same people kind of come in or, you know, people more align on on one consensus so maybe he was reading comments really early on right after posting because he was so stressed and like needed some help and some were not as positive um the meanest meanest air quotes one i see is like you might have to try a tough love approach then other people comment that like you should be

careful with that um this is not just about the scars yeah this is the mix of childhood trauma from the event recovery bullying depression self-esteem self-worth and a myriad of other issues that comes along with the actual scars myriad myriad isn't it probably is let's just i don't know ignore it's fine don't yell at me but i want an update i if you're out there please let us know let us know what happened even if you you broke up and you're now you know just separate and have new partners this feels like love yeah this feels like a happy ending i agree this feels like a happy ending. I agree.
This feels like a happy ending. Please.
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Oh, okay.

Moving along.

So this next one, it is eight hours old, coming from Am I the Asshole,

titled, Am I the Asshole for Turning Down My Sister's Ask to Be Her Maid of Honor? I'll start with the background first. My sister, 27 female, and I, 25 female, had pretty crappy parents.
I was their favorite golden child, and they treated my sister like shit. It always upset me, and I loved my sister, so I always tried to get them to be better to her.
When they'd rely heavily on what I wanted for dinner, for example, I'd tell them to ask my sister, or I'd ask her myself. I'd do the same if they only let me choose our vacation, or to vote on what movie we should watch for family movie night, or if they gave me money to buy something, but not my sister.
I tried rejecting stuff they offered me and told them they should divide stuff between the two of us, but it never worked. So I would accept it and then share it with my sister.
Weird. I told my sister I loved her every day and really tried to back her up and support her.
I also talked to my parents about how bad it was that they treated my sister the way they did, but it never had an impact on them. Our parents never changed and it drove us apart.
When my sister turned 19, she pulled away from me and then when I asked her why, she told me because she hated me. She called me selfish, spoiled little princess, and said she didn't need

my pity. I had sent her lots of gifts, and she also mentioned me trying to get mom and dad to

include her. She said her life would have been better if I had never existed.
Oh, wow. That her

biggest regret was not being an only child. She made it clear she blamed me for our parents'

favoritism more than them. That's so messed up.
That I took her chance to have parents

Thank you. child.
She made it clear she blamed me for our parents' favoritism more than them. That's so messed up.
That I took her chance to have parents who loved her and wanted her. That our parents never called or reached out in any way one time after she went to college.
Wow. Our relationship didn't end there, but it hurt to have her blame me like she did.
To hate me for trying as much as I did. I can admit I might have gone overboard at times trying to make up for mom and dad, but it was never out of pity.
It was out of love. And I still love my sister, but I don't see us ever being close again.
We see each other rarely. She always made it clear she didn't really want me in her life, but she never let me go completely.
She got engaged two years ago. I found out from a third party.
She had a bunch of bridesmaids chosen and was planning the wedding. I'm pretty certain I wasn't even going to be invited.
But then she and her best friend had a huge fight and the best friend dropped out of the wedding. She said some stuff that upset my sister and some of it made her reflect on our relationship.
And so she approached me a week ago and asked me to be her maid of honor. The way she asked me kind of felt like she was still wanting me to prove myself.
It felt like being asked with force.

And while she admitted why she was asking,

she refused to touch on the actual strain between us.

So I said no.

She walked away from me and did not contact me for five days.

Then she told me I was just like our parents,

rejecting her by saying no to the maid of honor role and she hopes i can live with that am i the asshole no but i also i can't even imagine the psychological damage that op's sister is experiencing from her childhood that's so messed up. What parents do that? That doesn't even feel real.
Like that's so messed up what parents do that that doesn't even feel real like that's so messed up and so it's like you know the sister is completely from the story completely off base i mean how are you blaming your sister for what your parents did yeah just like you're blaming your sister for existing you told her you don't want her to exist like clearly like you're not i know that's really fucked yeah so it's really fucked up so obviously op is not the asshole here but like i am also like i just i can't imagine or op sister growing up that way and how her how she thinks and how she views the world yeah you know i mean i i don't know i i would say like not the asshole i'd be like no assholes here more so there's obviously a very clear reason for the hurt i think it's op's choice obviously what she does if you're uncomfortable being the maid of honor, that's totally fine. It feels wrong.
It felt forced. It felt like she was wanting you to prove yourself.
Okay, don't do it. but on the flip side, this also could be an olive branch.

And that's where you have that internal battle with yourself.

Do I be the bigger person in this?

Is she asking me just for optics? I shouldn't do it. Or do I do it? So maybe we can mend our relationship and work forward.
Because given, you know, the fight between her and her best friend, for whatever reason, she's clearly in a dire position so she's probably asking you with like almost her tail tucked between her legs kind of just hat in hand like i don't have a maid of honor will you step in you'd think that like i mean if she has other bridesmaids she could just boot one up though that's true well's true. Well, and OP also does say here, she said some stuff that upset my sister, and some of it made her reflect on our relationship.
OP knows that because the sister told her. So it's like she's maybe trying, but doesn't know the best way to communicate it.
Yeah. How far apart are two years apart yeah and so that in itself it's like op has been the bigger person through her entire life that's true too because she had to stand up to her parents at a young age she had to literally say please stop doing this please share with my sister she had to give half of what she got to her sister.
I mean, she didn't have to, she chose to, she chose to do those things growing up. So it's like, OP has been the bigger person.
She has wanted to show that her sister is love because her sister wasn't experiencing love from their parents. So OP stepped up to do that.
And now, and then OP just got like completely like obliterated by her sister being like, I wish you didn't exist. You're the problem, not the parents.
And now she's just like, yeah,

so what's up? Wanna be my maid of honor? So I don't like OP doesn't owe anyone anything at this

point. That's very true.
And instead of a reaction that was, I understand, like, I understand we

should, we should maybe work on our relationship first

before I ask you to be my maid of honor.

Instead of having that approach, the sister doubles down and said,

you're just like our parents.

Which you know is coming from a place of hurt.

Exactly.

But at the same time, that doesn't really justify it.

No, it's, yeah, it's, that's the thing is like the sister's reactions

actions like they are not appropriate but it's also like i just again i can't imagine the way that her she views the world if you're growing up with parents who not only like and that's the thing too like growing up with parents who don't show you love that's awful growing up with parents who show your other siblings so much love, but not you,

that has got to be so psychologically damaged. who don't show you love, that's awful.
Growing up with parents who show your other siblings so much

love, but not you, that has got to be so psychologically damaging. It actually feels like they despised her, which is crazy.
Like, I can't imagine like, and it doesn't sound like she did anything. Like, I know people joke like, oh, parents say they don't have favorites, but they do ha ha maybe because one kid is just sassy and never listens and bullies the other and whatever but it doesn't sound like the sister did anything to like warrant that favoritism which i don't think anything ever warrants that right but you know how you could kind of like it's just like metaphorically speaking like she didn't warrant it which no kid would but you guys catch my drift right no instantly people in the comments don't catch my drift well i feel like what you're trying to say is something like let's say both of them maybe she murdered the family dog then you would see why maybe the parents didn't like her anymore.
They say both of them. Maybe she murdered the family dog.

Then you would see why maybe the parents didn't like her anymore.

They're scared of her.

We didn't need to go that dark.

But that's what I'm in my head.

You know what I mean?

Like a kid that murders the family dog, you're going to kind of side eye a little bit.

No, no, I just don't like that you brought us there. Let's go back.
That's where my head goes. My head goes catastrophic.
Oh, my God. But no, it's.
Yeah, Opie is not the asshole. Opie has been trying and it's really unfortunate.
It's a very unfortunate situation. It's not fair to either of them.
What would you do if if this was your real life because i know we can argue like all the ways here analyzing someone else would you in real life had said yes and like kind of stepped in uh this is hard because like i was actually just saying to brian and he was so confused but um i was saying that like somebody can be historically mean to me over and over again and then they come up to me once and they start being nice to me and it's just like a knee-jerk reaction I'm just nice back I like in those in the moments that they're nice to me I like forget everything that they did before that was mean to me yeah unless they like go back and they're mean again. But like when they're in front of me and being nice, it's like, I don't know why, but my, I just react that way.
Like automatically almost. You just treat it at face value at every given time.
Yeah. So like, I can like think like, I hate that person right before.
And then like, they come up and say, you know, like, Oh, I like your shoes. Then I'm like think like I hate that person right before and then like they come up and say You know, like oh I like your shoes then i'm like, oh Yeah, they're actually really nice.
Like you know what I mean? So so in this situation like If you're asking me personally, I think I probably would say yes I think I would too like I would Because I me and my little sister. I love her.
She's so sweet but we did have a big age gap that like

we're just not super close we're at totally different ends of our lives which is like it's crazy because it's only like eight and a half years but we're just in different places yeah and if she asked me I would definitely say yes because I would want to use it as an opportunity to like connect and you know build our relationship stronger but I'm not saying that op is she's justified in yeah her decision definitely justified top comment Not the asshole. I can't help but wonder what her plan would be if she recovered her relationship with her Best friend who was acting as maid of honor up until this point would she expect you

to plan and pay for all of the events and then drop you again when her first choice shows up it's better to avoid a situation you are unsure of than set yourself up to strain the relationship further which is true yeah but it sounds like because op said no that strains it further the sister's writing it off and it, yeah. OP does respond.
I have wondered that myself. Would she fire me then? Would she turn on me the way she did when she was 19? Would we end up sharing the role? But I'm the outsider amongst everyone.
Lots of things I considered. Yeah.
That's crazy. I wonder if the sister has gone to therapy and worked on this.
It doesn't really sound like it. No.
There's a comment. It is very long, but a lot of people are upvoting it and very respondent to it.
Someone goes, so I think I know what has happened here, what caused her flip at 19, and this subsequent breakdown. Note that none of this is your fault, but that it comes down to child and human psychology.
Basically, it's known that children typically behave better for teachers, babysitters, etc. than they do for their parents.
When they get upset at their parents, they'll cry and scream, lash out, say things like, I hate you, etc. The thought is that children and teens do this because subconsciously or otherwise, they see their parents as sources of unconditional love, and they're simultaneously, A, comfortable in saying these things because they know it won't ruin their relationship with their parents, and B, testing to see if that love really is unconditional.
So she was the parent.

By the sounds of it, unconditional or not. Instead, you filled that role.
And so as an older teen, young adult, what ended up happening is she was hit with the double whammy of trauma from her parents, emotional neglect, which is a form of emotional abuse, plus the aforementioned normal combo of, quote, I can say whatever and she'll still love me. Plus, will she still love me? Test.
You did your best to fill in for your parents, but you were a child yourself. So she was still emotionally and psychologically affected by the abuse, which I'm betting pushed this stage of her development off until later.
As an aside, having to emotionally support your sister as a parent would be traumatic for you as well, even if it didn't feel that way. So what your parents did was also harmful to you.
So now we get to the maid of honor question. As you and your sister were both aware, it was a test.
By saying no to protect yourself, in your sister's eyes, you were saying that your love was not unconditional, no matter how she treated you. Hence her breakdown now because she feels no one loves her unconditionally.
But here's the thing. No one, parent or sibling or otherwise, deserves to be treated like garbage just because of their familial role.
And your sister isn't a child anymore despite her trauma. She's 27 i'm sure you do still love her despite what she thinks you just are also hurting for valid reasons and she needs to consider your feelings too despite how your parents forced you to be you're her sister not her mom you are not the asshole your sister needs therapy to learn to deal with the trauma

your parents inflicted i also think you would benefit from it because i get the sense you are carrying a lot of guilt from childhood and that is guilt you don't deserve your parents were awful to both of you just in different ways you deserve better and i'm sorry you didn't receive it good luck and take care oh my god i'd be bawling if i was reading that as op i know it's so perfect it's so dead on it's just like so well written i could not have said anything better myself like that was just wow it's a it's yeah did that have a lot of upvotes? Well, the post is so new. It's only got 500 right now.
But a lot of people are responding, wow, the feels from this. I think you were 100% right.
Yeah. And I, again, not OP's fault.
OP is still not the asshole. But I, in my head, I would have seen this as the olive branch, as the test.
And I kind of, again, like I'm maybe a little bit of a people pleaser. And like I said, if it were me and my sister, I would have done it.
And maybe it's not too late. Maybe seeing this, she can go now to her sister and be like, hey, I've reconsidered.
I want to say yes on the condition that you and I go to family therapy. I think it could benefit us both so much.
Individual therapy would be great for you. I need it clearly too.
We all need it, right? But I would like to, you know, reconsider if you do do that with me because i think that is truly then olive branch working on the relationship and moving forward together yeah because you shouldn't be disconnected this is your sister this is your family like look at what your parents like this person said put both of you through so so shitty of the parents just crazy I feel like we should all be taking like classes in school growing up on this type of stuff because it's like when people have kids like these parents what were they thinking like what were they thinking I don't know the fact that they both were in on it too you know we've had stories before where it's just like one parent and then the other parent is like what are you doing why are you only favoring the other kid but like the fact that both parents were in on it is just so crazy to me it's just like like why did you guys choose to have kids literally like you were not equipped to handle multiple kids did you want to inflict this trauma onto people to in the world like what i just well and the fact that your younger daughter was pointing it out yeah and then you still didn't correct course after your younger child pointed it out so wild sick and twisted sick and, moving along. Okay, so lightening things up a little bit.
This next one is titled, My 25 Female Boyfriend's 26 Male Sister is Weirdly Obsessed with Him. He's taking her on a holiday, and I don't know how to convince him.
It is super weird. Hmm.
This one could go so many different directions. Not so obvious, maybe.
Yeah. I've been dating my boyfriend, Mike, for just under 18 months.
Our relationship has become really serious. We've even started to discuss things like marriage, children, etc.
We moved from England to Wales about six months ago because I got a job opportunity that required us to relocate. He was able to covert to working from home, so has stayed employed by his old company.
We now live about 70 miles away from our hometown. Because it's so far, we rarely visit home, maybe once every six weeks or so.
Whenever we visit, we stay with Mike's parents, and every time we go, his sister is incredibly obsessed with Mike and won't leave him alone. It's to the point where it's really weird and almost like she has some weird romantic feelings for him.
I don't like that. I've brought this up to Mike and he says I'm being crazy, but I'm not.
For example, she will snuggle up to him on the sofa, so I have to sit somewhere else. She will ask for him to take her shopping to places that I don't like.
She'll make him take her to restaurants and they'll have fancy meals together. It is so weird how she treats him like a boyfriend.
Wait, how old is the sister? No mention yet. Oh, okay.
They have a holiday to Spain booked for the summer holiday to the town where Mike grew up. They booked this before we were dating, but it is just two of them going and it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.
I first asked him to change the booking so I could come along as well. I said I would pay for the extra, obviously.
He said he contacted the travel agents, but they weren't able to change the booking anymore and that they couldn't book a separate package for me because the hotel was booked up. Yesterday, I told him I think it is really weird that he wants to spend two weeks alone with her in a foreign country.
And when I said this to him, he blew up at me and kicked me out of the house. Like genuinely kicked me out of the house for just questioning him about this, which has made me feel that it's even more weird than I thought.
We ended up having a huge argument, like the biggest we've ever had. And now I'm considering booking a separate hotel nearby the one they're staying at Just so I can keep an eye on shut up I've been texting him and ringing him and he hasn't answered or responded to me at all I don't understand how he doesn't see that this is weird.
You're weird. You're being crazy Especially considering how obsessed she is is with him.
As I mentioned earlier, it just makes me feel sick and I don't know what to do. How do I express to him that this is not normal? How do I show him there's something weird about how his sister treats him? Dude, if you think that your boyfriend's going to hook up with his sister when they're on a vacation, you should leave him.

You should not go and fly there, get a hotel and spy on them. You should like if you're genuinely concerned that the person you're dating is going to hook up with their sister, then like you just shouldn't be with them.
Like I mean, okay, maybe i'm speaking too soon because

Maybe there's more details but like to me. I don't I guess I don't know how old the sister is the cuddling thing is kind of odd if she's not like a young a young one I'm picturing her as being young I'm not sure how old she is like if they're like the same age and they're cuddling up together that would make me feel weird too but at the same time like your thought process of like going to go and spy on them is very concerning to me I don't know am I being like too hard on her is it is it really weird am I I think the age does really change things because if it was like okay Mike is 26 the sister is 24 they're cuddling on the couch that would weird me out for sure they're going on romantic dinner dates and like was but like romantic dinner dates are just like go to dinner that's the way it's kind of being like per like told oh my god what is that big word i don't know there's a lot of them i literally want to say like pers blade, but I think I'm blending two words.
Like that's the way it's being portrayed. That's that big word I was looking for.
Oh my God. Portrayed being a huge word.
That's so funny. Oh God, I'm just struggling.
It just feels like there's definitely certain undertones in this. So I think for me, the age would change things.
If she's young, then it's like, like no she just looks up to her big brother and like yeah how amazing that he's taking her on a trip like yeah because as i said having a huge age gap with your siblings can make you not have as close of a relationship so that's super cool yeah and i guess i was definitely picturing at 12 12 years old i don't know what I was envisioning. Honestly, I think I was envisioning older.
Oh, really? Yeah. Maybe that's why you felt like it was way weirder and I was coming from the angle of like the opposite.
I don't know if it's weird. I'm genuinely like at a loss.
Like I'm kind of in the boat of like, it's not that obvious with this one. I do think it's a little far to go to the hotel.
That's what I'm saying. them isn't that aren't they going to another country too you're gonna spy on him that's when she lost me at first i'm like you know what like you might be honest yeah you might be honest maybe a little weird feelings like meshment yeah you know exactly yeah but then when she said the like i might go to the hotel and spy and then you should just not be with him if you're gonna go that far like then it's probably not a good fit No, like well, especially if like to spy on him to make sure he's not hooking up with his sister

Like do you know what I mean? Like that's crazy. Yeah at that point you probably have to be like It's probably not a good fit.
Yeah Well, and it's like if you can't have a reasonable Conversation about this and communicate effectively like You also have some holes exactly. Yeah, so whether it's yeah not not even just like on her side But like on his side too

Like both

Again like

Yeah

Yeah if they can't like

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah Like you also have some holes. Exactly.
Yeah. So whether it's.
Yeah. Not even just like on her side.
But like on his side too. Like both.
Again. Like.
Yeah. Yeah.
If they can't like. Get through this.
And then she's gonna go and spy on him. Those are just a lot of concerning things.
And 18 months is a long time for some people. Some relationships.
But at the same time. If your partner isn't receiving what you're saying.
any like empathy or like any consideration and they're blowing up at you like if it's that right like you know what i mean like maybe it's just like hey like i'm i'm kind of uncomfortable because of how close you guys are it's kind of weird but but i would also feel i think the age is really yeah that like and'm just trying to think, too, if somebody said that to me about my little brother or something who's in high school. And if I was hanging out with my little brother, I don't hang out with...
I'm in a different state. So I don't have this type of relationship that OP is explaining.
But let's say I was getting dinner with my little brother and my boyfriend boyfriend was like it makes me feel kind of uncomfortable it seems like he likes you that would be so weird to me to have somebody say that to me i would be like what are you good do you know what i mean unless i don't know so i just feel like that's a really delicate thing to communicate to your partner so it's like it's like but at the same time if they're not gonna like even consider what you're saying you're only 18 months in yeah it's a mismatch cut your losses and just break up yeah because if they're the same age and it's kind of like oh yeah no maybe it's not the most healthy then it's like okay well maybe he's in cuckoo land like seriously just you're not you're not match but is that like now that i'm thinking about it i'm like in my head and i'm like well if she's a young kid it's okay for siblings to kind of sit close but isn't that kind of sad like as you age like you can't just like sit next to your brother like um well if you like Blocking their partner You're like cuddling with them and blocking Like their partner from cuddling with them like Yeah that's Big times have changed Well like I was like thinking about it I'm like I've Like I've been sitting on a couch And my brother sat next to me And then his girlfriend at the time sat in a chair. And I'm like, well, that's not weird.
And we also weren't cuddling. I don't know.
Okay. So there are some comments from OP.
So someone goes, how old is the sister? Because, and they quote OP, have a holiday to spain booked for this summer

to a town where mike grew up it doesn't sound like they're close in age op responds drum roll please she's nine but will be 10 this year stop relevant fucking details op she's nine oh my god that same person responds i was thinking 12 and like nine stop the person responds and goes you need therapy thank you um yeah there's a couple more comments from op uh someone says something like i'm struggling to see the issue with this and op goes what do you, I'm struggling to see the issue with this.

And OP goes, what do you mean you're struggling to see the issue? I'm worried for you if that's the case. Okay.
Another comment from OP. You don't think it's weird how obsessed she is with him or how when I question him on their relationship, he kicks me out of the house? probably because you're questioning the relationship and thus implying something very nefarious, gross, inappropriate.
Like this is a nine-year-old. This is a baby.
This is a little kid. Oh my God.
Sorry. He needs to get rid of her.
He's's dodging a bullet he is dodging a bullet this is someone this is someone that becomes like so insecure that they cut you off from your family that's what i'm saying like he she would drive a wedge between him and his sister and his sister adores him looks up to him like such like, such, like, probably, like, her hero. I know.
Because nine and he was, like, 26 or something. Yeah.
That's a big, what is that? 15? 16 year age gap? It's, yeah, 16 years. Oh, no.
Right? Did we do that wrong? Yeah. I think it's 16.
17 plus nine 26 oh 17 i was thinking 25 that's a huge age god damn it can we take that part out no that's just math mathletes mathletes unite why do you do this to us you put you set us up to make ourselves look bad with math all the time can't win them all um yeah no this is so i feel good because at first i'm like was i going too hard on op nope and i you feel justified yes i do i like it i like it okay moving along this next one is coming from am i the asshole it is titled am i the asshole asking the Asshole Asking My Daughter to Pay Me for Cooking for Her Wedding? I, a 46 female, greatly enjoy cooking and baking. I've always told my kids if they had a small wedding, I would be happy to provide the food as a wedding gift.
My daughter Leslie is getting married soon. They're having 47 guests total, so I offered to cook per my longstanding offer and said I could do something like my peppered beef or jambalaya with some jalapeno cheesy biscuits.
Leslie and her fiance, Will, took me up on it and said they would help buy ingredients. Leslie sent me some recipes a few days ago, and when I asked what they were for, she said they wanted to add one or two big pot dishes that weren't spicy, so Will's family could have something to eat.
I know that boy can't eat a popper or most of my meals without getting red in the face, but I didn't think his whole family was like that. Leslie said it's because his father has ulcers and stomach problems, so Will's family was careful how they ate while Will was growing up.

I told Leslie I already told her what I was cooking for her wedding, and she argued that I'm making it about me instead of listening to what the bride and groom want.

I finally told her I'd cook the extra dishes, but if she's going to treat me like I'm a caterer, then I'll need her to pay me for all of the extra prep and work. Leslie said gifts are supposed to be what the person receiving them wants, and that she might as well hire a caterer if she's going to pay.
And then she hung up. I thought Leslie would cool down and come talk to me about how we would handle this and reasonable payment for taking on extra cooking.
But my youngest told me when he went to visit Leslie, she and Will were talking with a catering company. Was I wrong to ask her to pay me for cooking? No.
I also, I'm going to be honest, in the beginning of this story, I was still hung up on the last story a little bit. So if I missed a few details and if no is not the right answer, let me know.
I honestly am seeing comments both ways. I also feel like 47 people is still like it's not COVID wedding size.
That's still decent amount of people i feel like if it were me i would maybe ease up on spices because like a lot of people can't handle spices and then maybe have like tabasco or you know hot sauces on the table like different hot sauce you could have a hot sauce bar if your family's used to spice and they can handle it then offer a hot sauce bar and then it becomes that much more fun so it's like i don't know why like op took that as the hill to die on especially because it is the daughter's wedding it's like it is about them right and this was supposed to be a gift right and so it's like why are you just like so prideful that you can't kind of like just ease up a little bit? And then you're like, well, I'm going to charge you. I would say yes, that would seem reasonable if it was like, no mom, I want you to cook all of this and this and this.
And it was like, it was going beyond the expectation of like I'll cook for your

small wedding then I would be like okay yeah but it sounds like there's just like like I'm envisioning a crock pot thing where it's like she wants a couple extra big pot things where it's like just crock pot and still a lot of work for 47 people but this is your daughter's wedding. Like kind of accommodated a little bit,

but also OP at the same time,

putting in a lot of labor,

a lot of love,

a lot of time,

paying for ingredients.

Even I think the daughter and fiance said they'd help pay with some,

but food is a lot of money.

You got,

have you gone to the grocery store lately?

Yeah.

It sucks.

Yeah. It's one of those things where it just, it kind of sounds like, it just sounds petty for no reason.

It just, it didn't feel like it needed to be like that.

Yeah.

But at the same time, if somebody doesn't want to cook XYZ for free and do all this work for free, then it's like, you don't have to. to but it would it would be nice if you were to i mean it's a gift if you were to grant like their wishes on their wedding day that would be that'd be pretty cool of you well it's like why was this like why was this the hill to die on it could have been so easy and then you wouldn't be fighting with your daughter and like i totally get the daughter's reaction of like calling a catering company yeah and just being like I just don't want to deal with this on our wedding day like this is just getting goofy yeah and this is what's so hard about like involving yourself with family and doing favors or like even just taking money for a wedding and then that family member wants to dictate what you do with it or I want extra guests because I gave you money like it's so dicey sometimes when it shouldn't be yeah we have a listener Archer who uh is a florist and does like flower arrangements and so his mom got married an Archer I'm so sorry if I'm butchering this story I story.
I'm trying to remember it well from our group tea on Patreon, but essentially like, or no, Archer's wife is a florist. Something like that.
Archer's wife, either one, Archer or his wife does flower arrangements. And so the mom got remarried and they did the flower arrangements and just basically said like pay for the cost of the flowers.
And there was still like issues with that, I guess. Like maybe Archer will comment on the YouTube or something and like tell it better than me.
But it's just like it's so crazy when it's like someone is saving you an exorbitant amount of money and yet there's still issues, which I could be the case with this like your mom is doing you huge favors saving you a bunch of money by cooking so maybe just pay for the extra shit you want right maybe I just convinced myself the other way this see this theme is hard I feel like this is a lot of these stories are ones you could kind of like, well, maybe not the other ones, but this one feels like you could like talk about it till the cows come home. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
That was so fun. I just got to say yeah and like listen to you make a lot of good points.
It was fantastic. People listening are going to be like, Lauren, are you still there? You good? You good, bro? I just, God I loved it my wine's kicking in I loved it but no I I yeah I I think that it's always tricky with with stuff like this like weddings in general that's why I'm telling you I'm like I don't think I even want a wedding I know I know gosh where do you think the vote is gonna go on this one um now that I'm up to speed because like I said I had like a moment where I missed something because I was hung up the last story um now that I'm up to speed I think it's probably going to lean towards saying that op is the asshole you would be correct yeah you would be correct you're the asshole if you are only correct.
You're the asshole. If you are only

willing to make a spicy dish, if you want to make, or that is the only thing you know how to make, a peppered beef or jambalaya offer to make it not spicy, wanting to make sure food is edible slash enjoyable for all guests is a common courtesy. If you want to lord over slash judge people for not eating slash liking spicy stuff, even if you don't think it's spicy, yeah, it makes you an asshole.
And yes, being strict about what your gift is without consideration of the receiver is bad behavior. If I know a child needs a four-person car for their family and I offer to buy them a two-seater sports car, that would be a whole yeah that's a good point for sure yeah what and she does say like I know well he can't eat spicy without getting right in the face yeah come on he's not as seasoned as you and it's also yeah it's like spice is a big thing too because there's a lot of people who cannot handle spice I like it but no I'm like I'm like yeah and i and being somebody who loves spicy stuff like growing up and to this day it's like if i'm splitting stuff with people most of the people i'm splitting stuff with i know i'm not going to be able to get a spicy dish because most of the people that i'm friends with are not they they're not big on spice so that's a very common thing so i think that's something that like I cater around because I'm usually the one that's like an outlier.

And I want and it's like and I can and I like non-spicy food and spicy food.

Yeah.

Where there's other people, they don't like spicy food.

100%.

So it's like, why don't we meet somewhere where we can all enjoy, you know?

Well, that's like when I first read it.

That's what I didn't get where it's like you can literally make one dish and have a really fun hot sauce bar.

And I think that's like when I first read it that's what I didn't get where it's like you can literally make one dish and have a really fun hot sauce bar and accommodate literally everyone while also having that really cute unique niche touch of like exactly here's our family's favorite hot sauces or this is a hot sauce from Will's town and this is a hot sauce from my daughter's town which hot sauce are you gonna choose like you could have made it so fun and easy why was that the hill to die on yeah it's so true just a sassy sassy chef in the making it feels like it's a pride thing and ego thing 100 percent um it's also funny too another please don't embarrass me motherfucker In my head all day. I can't stop.
Why do you have that twangy twist to it? It's a meme on TikTok. Oh.
It's like she sings it so sweet and like melodic and then you get to motherfucker. But they say it like that on TikTok? Yeah, it's a thing.
Like that like country sounding. There's memes.
I'll send it to you it's it's a bop nice sabrina carpenter you want to come on you want come on i've like become obsessed with her lately i just she's so cute she's so cute she's so cute and she's putting out some bops just like damn girl yeah um oh no it's funny though early so right before coming over here me and brian were eating dinner and we were putting different sauces on our dinner yeah and he doesn't like this one that i really like and i was saying to him don't you think it's funny how humans just taste things differently taste buds are nuts yeah and then he was like whoa and I was like what why is why are you acting like that's news and he's like well I just always thought of it as people like different things but when you say it that way it's so trippy it's like a chemical reaction on your tongue and taste buds I think the craziest thing is have you ever tried that little pill you put in your mouth rub it around on your tongue And then you can eat like a lemon after and it tastes sweet like an orange That's crazy. I would love to try that most fun experiment.
It's so cool You can get up on amazon or a lot of other places like it's really fun That's I would i'd be down to try that losing my taste and smell during covid was such a wild experience. It was heartbreaking for me i i was really nervous because there was people that it lasted for so long and so i started smelling essential oils every single day and it came back like within two weeks but like it's so trippy how much you are relying on these like tastes and smell because it's like absolutely you're not smelling anything either and like that's that's a danger um early that's how we sense danger that's how we sense if something's burning or i literally was so concerned that my house was going to start on fire and i would die inside because i couldn't smell like i lit a piece of toilet paper on fire right in front of me and smelled nothing yeah it was really traumatic really traumatic.
It was really trippy. Traumatic.
There's one more comment I want to read on this one. That's in response to the top comment.
Also, she already knows one of the guests of honor at the wedding can't eat spicy food. Just fuck him at his own wedding, I guess.
Yeah. That's so true.
That's crazy. Like he eats it to please you and fit in with your family.
Just be considerate of him. So true.
There are some comments from OP. How do I go back and take my no? Or how do I go and take back my no from the beginning? But this is why it's in this theme.
Like I even was like at one point I was like, well, shoot. Like maybe there could be an argument to like, you you know that it could go both ways we might have some people in the comments being like well did she ask to make not spicy and maybe she's asking for spicy and now not spicy like you never know you never know Lauren um people are asking her like the reasoning behind the options she offered the jambalaya and beef I can make easily in large batches and often do for gatherings.
They're also less messy than barbecue pork or Swedish meatballs. Even if I put the sauce separately, it's messy to eat in wedding attire.
There still would have been sides and appetizers like dips and salads that I would be making too. OP says in another comment, it's not that hard to cook for 50 people with dishes like that, and I've done it before.
Beef, jambalaya, biscuits, lunch, meat rolls, some salads and dips is very easy to do by yourself. She wants me to make two of the recipes as well as the main dish, appetizers and sides I had planned.
Haha, yes, still would have done jambalaya and cheesy biscuits with chicken, fricassee, and stuffed bell peppers. No addressing of if the daughter asked to just not make it so spicy overall, which kind of feels like OP's avoiding it.
Yeah. Given comments are asking about it.
Yeah, there's a lot of crazy comments. Why do so many people think non-spicy equals plain? I don't get that.
And that's true. But again, hot sauce bar.
Don't let this be the hill that you die on. And then your kid is not for your daughter's wedding.
I actually think it's kind of, again, now that I'm up to speed, I think it's actually kind of badass that the daughter was just like okay I will call a catering company yeah just like no I'm not gonna fight I'm not gonna deal with this yeah I'm just gonna and that's like I think that's where I thought it was gonna go is that the daughter was gonna be like no I'm not gonna spend money on a catering like no you you have to do this so the fact that daughter was just like, okay, I'm good. I'll take care of it myself then.
Bye. Bet.
Yeah, bet. Say less, lady.
Yeah, I kind of love it. Okay, moving along.
Okay. Okay, this next one.
I don't know where it's going to go. It's coming from Am I the Asshole? Titled, Am I the Asshole for telling my family they cannot see my children as long as my sister-in-law is involved with anyone they speak to?

I never thought I'd be in a situation where I might have to cut off my own family.

But here we are.

My, 32 female, brother, 30 male, and sister-in-law, 30 female,

met in college and married two years ago. I've always supported the relationship.
I will say for the record that my sister-in-law is a beautiful, intelligent, and well-educated woman who I was proud to call family. Despite coming from a background that, although she refused to disclose any details, she described as being extremely difficult.

I always figured it was none of my business why she wasn't in contact with her family

and respected her privacy in those matters.

Well, the reason for the estrangement was recently revealed

when her older brother got a hold of some contact information for her

and reached out to most people she's friends with on Facebook with details. It turns out it has to do with something absolutely gut-wrenching that she did to a child when she herself was very young.
The next day at a family meeting, she confirmed that her brother was telling the truth, and she expected our family to be sympathetic to her situation and to help her sue her brother for harassment. I was kind of in shock when my parents agreed to help, and my husband and I left.
We have two children, both under five years old, and I do not want this woman around them. I do not want anyone who thinks this sort of thing is all right to be around them.
Yes, sister-in-law was very young at the time, but she hasn't shown any remorse for her actions, and I do not want my kids exposed to that kind of person ever. Oh my god, do we know what it is? I called my brother the next day and told him point blank that until he shows me signed divorce papers

He is not welcome around my family

I let my parents know that if they helped this woman escape the consequences of her actions

Or offered any kind of support that wasn't related to getting my brother an amazing divorce attorney

They would never see or hear from me or my family again. I offered to pay for the best attorney in our state for my brother.
If there is no divorce, I'm going to move states and make sure none of them know where I'm going. What the fuck was it? Nobody else seems to share my opinion.
My brother cussed me out for even suggesting cutting that woman out over quote something that happened in high school and my parents think i'm being controlling and overreacting and that she's family now and we owe her loyalty my husband has said he'll support me if i want to move because we only moved here to be near my family anyways, but wants me to try and talk this out. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone, but maybe I'm just losing my mind here.
Am I the asshole? I don't have an opinion unless I know what it is. Like, how could I? What, did she trip a kid? Or like, was it like insane bullying? Like, I'm very confused.
That's why I don't know how to have an opinion when we don't know what it was. The account has been suspended.
I can't look up comments. But let's see if we can find any of OP's responses coming up.
Someone asks here, you just have to tell us what she did. Otherwise, this is deliberately vague and evasive and you do sound controlling.
Yeah. So someone replies back to that comment and says, OP said in another comment, quote, she paid a violent adult man to hurt a baby she had a responsibility to.
This is code for, quote, got an abortion at 14. Oh, really? Wait, per the comments, per the comments, I'm trying to find OP's comments if there's like an actual screenshot of op's comments oh my god what she made it sound like this was like something very very like are we hit a kid with a car are we sure are you sure it was an abortion i had no idea like does op respond to that so this is a direct quote from someone.
I think opie ended up

Deleting their comment

Opie said she paid a violent adult man to hurt the child because she didn't want to be responsible for it

The child did not survive. There were no legal consequences

Interesting. Yeah, if there's no legal consequences that that that's true

That does sound like an abortion because i'm like

Thank you. Yeah, if there's no legal consequences, that's true.
That does sound like an abortion. Because I'm like...

I'm not seeing any comments from OP, though.

But at the same time, why not mention it in the post?

This is an anonymous Reddit post.

You're being really unclear and vague on purpose.

Like, this is...

It feels like lying by omission. From like just not being like this is what she did well you'd almost it's like almost like one of two things it's like it was so bad that op doesn't want to repeat it because they're like so scarred by it or two it's something that op knows is actually that other people don't find to be as awful as she does, aka potentially an abortion.
Yeah.

I'm like, I'm- Or some people, I should say. Obviously, everyone's different.
So in the, there's a lot of people commenting back to OP's like comments that were on the post. And OP was like, yeah, it involved the death of a child.
Okay. Was it like what what what you're you're again intentionally being very vague yeah um someone does comment congratulations on the deception op well played info and they quote like what op did say on something something absolutely gut-wrenching that she did to a child when she herself was very young which like was in the original and it's like okay well what what what spit it the fuck out you want to vote you want a judgment spit it out literally because it's not

obvious right now yeah bitch what are you asking us for you like oh my god you're the

Thank you. literally because it's not obvious right now yeah bitch what are you asking us for you like oh my god you're the asshole because you've admitted in the comments you aren't afraid of her just concerned she will influence your children considering this isn't something she talks about i'm not sure how she can negatively influence your kids you're also asking a lot from your family and your brother you're free to cut her, but you don't get to dictate how everyone else responds.
I'm fully in the boat for me. I am very pro-choice.
Like you shouldn't dictate what other people do with their bodies. So that's just not, that's not something I'm going to get with.
And literally telling your brother, you're never going to see my family. I'll pay for your divorce attorney.
How manipulative is that? Crazy. To the parents, you'll never see your grandkids and I'm going to move and you'll never know where I go.
It's out of control. And it's an insane, insane reaction.
It's so frustrating that she won't just straight up say it like what the situation is. And I think that's the thing because like I have certain family members who are very very pro-life they'll talk about that and if you're passionate about that like you are entitled to your opinions but like if those family members would have been writing this post they would have included it you included it because you knew how it would affect the reaction so interesting i i I just, I want more on this.
Like I want more updates from OP and it's frustrating that we don't have any more. I know.
I don't like it. Yeah.
Wow. You're the asshole.
It's the top comment. You're saying that she paid an adult man to do violent harm to a child she had responsibility to.
She had an abortion and you're trying to skirt the sub rules. An abortion is not something to cut contact over.
Get your head out of your ass. Which, if you were of the stance of pro-life, wouldn't you want to support her and potentially encourage her to not do that again? Cut her off and move states.
You're kind of cuckoo yeah you're kind of cuckoo that is a insane overreaction and you are being controlling and you should have taken the hints from the rest of your family not following suit but it's so weird too that all of op's family cut her off and or sorry not op all of um the sister-in-law's family cut her off and then went out of like their way to go and message everyone that she knows to tell that's nuts yeah that's why i'm like confused that's why i would like to have it just straight out be clearly said because i'm like who does that well i'm where where in the world are they're doing that? I feel like that's not necessarily uncommon, especially with all the abortion bans and the way women's health care is being suppressed in a lot of states. And this is like trigger warning on this one.
It talks like I'm going to get into traumatic child loss and like miscarriage but baby was no longer there a very wanted baby and she couldn't get the dnc or whatever the the medical terminology is called and she was bleeding out almost dead because of an abortion ban in the state oh so the she was passing out like passing out and husband had a drive across state lines to get life-saving medical care. What the fuck is wrong? Oh my God.
That's, it shouldn't be that. That's so sickening.
It should, like that is, that's crazy. What is going on? Like truly? Oh my God.
It's crazy. I can't even get into this stuff because that's just wild.
I had no idea this is where this one was going. I truly, it was not obvious.
What the fuck? Okay. That got a lot.
So moving along. Okay.
So last one for us is coming from our very own TooTakes subreddit. It is titled, Am I the asshole for breaking up with my boyfriend of four years after my brother returned home from his military enlistment? I, 22 female, was in a relationship with my ex, 22 male, for four years, and I broke up with him last month.
I am going to provide some context. My brother decided

to enlist in the military after high school. We were always close because our parents were

extremely toxic and controlling. However, as a consequence of our parents' toxicity, my brother

had a rebellious side to him and would do anything our parents didn't want him to do, and he never

listened to them. And so, he decided to go the military route instead of pursuing a higher degree.
I had a lot of serious discussions with him because I was really worried about him joining the military. I was worried about his physical safety and his emotional well-being.
I had almost stopped him from enlisting, but he was determined on doing the exact opposite of what our parents have wanted him to do. And so he enlisted in the military, the Marine Corps specifically.
I met my ex during my first year of college, and we started dating shortly after because we hit it off immediately. When we started dating, I made it clear to my ex that if we were still dating in four years, I would break up with him after my brother would return home from his military enlistment.
The past four years, I was also in touch with my brother. What? Although communication with him was limited, especially after he was deployed abroad in South Korea.
He was not having a great time, and it made me really

anxious and nervous. I had a lot of sleepless nights and nightmares that something had happened

to him. After four years, my ex and I were still dating, and over the last year, I reminded him

multiple times that we would have to call it off after my brother came home. My ex, however, was

becoming really sad and asked me to reconsider because he really loved me. Am I missing something? But I told him no.
I had already signed the lease for my new apartment and I told my ex that I would move out when my brother came home. My brother safely returned home last month and that was the happiest moment of my life.
I had already packed up and shifted to a new apartment my brother and I would be living in. My ex, however, called me inconsiderate because I had destroyed his feelings and that he couldn't believe that I so easily broke up on a relationship of four years and that I didn't at all seem sad about it.
Was I an asshole

for stringing my ex along for four years when I'd made it clear to him multiple times that this was

a temporary thing? I'm so confused. Did I miss something? Why did she have to break up because

her brother came back? I think OP wants to fuck her brother I'm so Confused right now This is so odd If this was anything else Like hey No it still doesn't make sense I'm like What? Dude this is absurd I'm like I'm listening I'm listening very intently How am I missing something? Does OP explain why she needed to break up with Like she's like, I need to break up with you when my brother comes back because I want to be with him Like I'm so confused right now I'm confused and the post was deleted by our mods probably for good good reason but I have to go and see if I can use my moderator tools to find this on the back end because this is wild yeah I can't find it I can't find it oh my god i can't find it oh this is so annoying sweating right now because of this story i don't know i think so yeah it's pretty bad huh just like what's happening i'm i'm so i don't know you have to also ask like what op's boyfriend was thinking all those if If opi made it very clear we're breaking up and the boyfriend like That's what I was just gonna say like Because it is like you you have to look at Okay, we're getting a little lost in the sauce Is this weird? Yeah, a million percent Why are you breaking up with your boyfriend because your brother got home? What are you and your brother gonna do you're moving in your own little apartment? that's a little scary yeah a million percent why are you breaking up with your boyfriend because your brother got home what are you and your brother gonna do you're moving in your own little apartment that's a little scary yeah a little scary but we're forgetting about the question but am i the asshole you did tell him again and again and again even reminded him over the last year yeah out of four yeah when my brother gets home to break up. When my brother gets back, I'm moving in with my brother.

And our relationship has to end.

So in that context.

And yet you still dated her?

Yeah.

Okay.

Not judging him, but it happens.

But OP was very, very clear.

So technically.

When the question is asked.

Am I the asshole?

I told him. I guess asshole? I told him not.

I told him multiple times.

Oh my gosh, this is so different.

But I thought of this whenever I was dating my college boyfriend.

I told him that it was my dream to move to California.

That's what I want to do. Like I after I graduate, I'm going to move to California.
And then I graduated and I was like, I'm moving to California that's what I want to do like I after I graduate I'm gonna move to California and then I graduated and I was like I'm moving to California and that wasn't me breaking up with him I was just like you know whatever is best for you I'm not gonna force you it would be nice if you came but like whatever is best for you and um so anyway I moved to California and he was like I can't believe you're doing this to me I. I was like, but I told you.
But I told you. He's like, well, I didn't think you're serious.
I mean, I think everyone, everyone wants to think their partner wouldn't like follow. I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Follow their dreams. I was going to go that route.
But no, that's not it. Because I went through this with the guy I dated in know what I'm trying to say follow their dreams I was gonna go that route but no that's not it because I went through this with the guy dated in Canada I think you once you're in a relationship and you have all this love all these feelings you kind of imagine like oh there's gonna be a compromise like we've made it this far we have so many feelings would you not do this for me to like make our relationship work like I'll meet you in the middle like oh well we've been going strong for two years like I didn't think you'd go to California if we were in love here like I get the yeah oh I didn't think you were serious but at the same time like yeah you're not doing anything wrong exactly yeah I think I mean great person like I don't think that it was wild of him to say or feel or think any of those things at all.
But I was just like, I didn't do anything wrong. Like, I let you know that this has always been my plan.
I would love for you to come with. But you have to choose what's best for you, too.
so I mean it was it's just i mean anytime breakups happen they're hard no matter what very hard breakups suck but i mean i i mean we did long distance for a while i was like i was committed to like keeping it going yeah yeah you you made it work for a while actually but never leaving. No, never leaving.
I don't feel great ending on that one. I'm going to be honest.
Overall vote. What do you think? Post has been removed.
She she gone. Can't find it.
There's no overall vote. I'm not that I'm seeing.
Damn. God, I'm just left real hanging.
one person comments this cannot be real are you in a relationship with your brother why did you have to break up with your ex but on the thing i'm looking at where it's reposted screenshots the fact that she immediately warned him and repeated her warnings over the years makes this a very rare case of quote not the asshole but jesus what's wrong with you yeah what's going on um someone quotes op i'm going to provide some context provides no context what is happening i don't know they're definitely they're definitely hooking up that's crazy they gotta be i just gotta be i just watched a simple favor recently blake lively anna kendrick yeah you know do you remember that yeah she calls her brother fucker wait actually i don't want to do any spoilers so never mind i mean it's it's it's been out for a while it's been out

for years i'm pretty sure like a sequel is coming out sequel is coming out so nice yeah oh well that's all she wrote folks that was a good one i'm still we wow that was a wild ride of emotions Thank you for being here for another episode.

Thanks, guys.

That was crazy yeah that was i'm at a loss to be honest like we went from like which one did you think was craziest sorry i cut you off honestly probably that sister-in-law story where the op was trying to pull a fast one over us. Oh, yeah.
The nine-year-old. Just be true.
Oh, that one was nuts too. Wait, what were you talking about? The one where it's like, I found out my sister-in-law did something terrible.
Oh, yes. But both common theme in that one.
Common theme between those two. Missing some key details.
Yep. De yep deceptive ops sneaky motherfuckers trying to pull fast ones bam boom boom trying to bamboozle and we weren't bamboozled today got them got them we do get bamboozled sometimes yeah absolutely all the time it happens most days but to Patreon, guys.
There's some fun stuff coming up. If you're hearing this on Thursday when it drops, there's still time to come to Group T and connect with us in person.
We do like jumbo Zoom sessions and talk with everyone. And it's so, so fun.
Also, the merch. Super cute.
Super comfy super comfy this fleece is insane you'll see some really cute pictures on the instagram of the other goodies we have especially the shacket i would say size up this is a medium size up in sweatshirts t-shirts and shacketce, I would say, you could order true to size and

still have a comfy fit. But other than that, thank you for being here, as always.
Until next time.

Until next time. Bye, guys.
Bye. Thank you.