230 - Carlos, Explained

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye!

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do, but don't worry.

Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

That's quince.com slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365 day returns.

Quince.com slash nightfail.

If at first you don't succeed, deny.

Deny again.

Welcome to Night Vale.

There is so little

left.

The university of what it is has explained almost everything away.

The man who is not tall and the man who is not short are only government employees with a predilection for idle chit-chat and murder.

The city council is merely a confused and angry den of rattlesnakes.

Plus, Tamika Flynn.

And the lights above the Arby's?

Oh.

The lights above the Arby's.

Well, it doesn't matter what they turned out to be.

They're gone now.

And the memory of my first kiss with my husband is forever tarnished.

Soon there will be nothing left in Nightvale except me, speaking into a microphone, and the Ralphs.

When Dr.

Lubell saw the Ralphs, she said, yep, that's a Ralphs, and walked away without further comment, so I guess at least I'll have a place to buy my basic necessities like eggs and orange milk.

Carlos has become bolder out of necessity.

After his last brush with the law, he is no longer denying his interest in science.

He has this message for Night Vale.

There's an old saying in science and that saying is enough is enough.

I can explain.

What that means is that when there is a sufficient quantity of something then you absolutely have to stop adding to it.

And this town has had enough explanation for now I'd say.

So many words describing the background and purpose of every little thing.

This is not the science that I know and love.

This is the science of those who want the universe to be dreary, to be reduced to a prize that can be held in the hand.

I explained this, so therefore I own it.

It is time for those of us who believe in the science of discovery, of research, of humility, of using these tools to make our lives better, it is time for us to take a stand.

It's time for me to take a stand.

There is a stubborn, stubborn problem that I must fix.

A problem that is also an old colleague of mine.

Dr.

Lubell, we will speak soon.

Dr.

Lubell issued her own statement in response.

In the interest of journalistic integrity and messy gossip, I will now play it.

Hello, Dr.

Janet Lubell here, scientist, philosopher, great woman of history, etc.

It seems that someone has forgotten who they are.

Carlos, I know you.

I knew you when you were only an upstart fellow grad student at the University of What It Is.

I knew you when you got it in your head that there was somewhere in the great deserts of the United States a town that was the most scientifically interesting community in the country.

Oh, Carlos, the attention you got for this so-called discovery.

Nonsense, though it was.

I mean, you got headlines, right?

You got grants.

An entire research team for this fully funded expedition.

Meanwhile,

the budget for my own research withered away.

Absolutely no one wanted to fund my research anymore.

Apparently, the world didn't need a version of the measles that was more contagious and also made your eyes explode.

You think it's easy to make super-exploding eye measles?

It's very, very hard and takes great science to do.

But no!

No, instead, the money flowed to Perfect Carlos and his perfect idea about a weird desert town.

Well,

look at me now, Carlos.

I've explained most of this nonsense away.

Your

great discovery, disappearing one hiddling explanation explanation at a time.

And now, I have decided to finish the job.

I am going to explain you, Dr.

Carlos Robles of the University of what it is.

I am going to explain you right away.

And then, there will be no one left to defend this place, and I will become the scientist that gets to define what Nightfale is to the world.

This is simply what is right, because it's what I want.

And everything I want is objectively the correct thing.

No, no, she can't explain Carlos.

This is a line that must not be crossed.

This is not just my town.

It is my family.

It is my love.

Carlos has left Nightvale, and I was like, sweetie, I thought you were going to make a stand.

This, you know, this kind of looks like you're running away instead.

But he told me there was an old friend he must go to see who was also, in a way, a new friend.

And honestly, I could not understand most of what he was trying to tell me, but I do know this with a certainty born of years of love and trust.

Carlos will see us through this crisis.

He must.

Because if he doesn't, well,

well, I can't think about that.

Oh no.

The foul Dr.

Lubell has another message for us.

Well, you're a brave man, Carlos Robles.

I've never told you that because, well, it's never been true before, but it is true now.

I'd say I'm impressed, but I make it a policy never to be impressed.

Carlos, do you look out on the glorious world?

This starship upon which an unlikely group of animals and plants are touring the universe?

Do you marvel at the beauty and splendor of something so simple as rainfall in sunlight?

Do you look at that and feel any sense of wonder?

Then that's a lack of objectivity, and you shouldn't be allowed to be a scientist.

You have been wondering, haven't you, Carlos?

Out here where time doesn't work, you said.

Where your friends include actual heavenly angels, you said.

Where you spent 10 years trapped in a desert otherworld.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oopsie.

Uh-oh.

That was supposed to be a secret, wasn't it?

That the time worked differently for you there, and so you experienced an entire decade in that wasteland of an otherworld,

hiding that truth from your husband and community so as not to cause them anguish and alarm.

Oh, my bad, my bad, my bad.

But discretion, in my opinion, isn't the better part of anything.

Well, Carlos.

If you aren't a coward,

and for everything I think of you, I don't believe that you are a coward, Then you will meet me at the gates of the University of What It Is Nightvale adjacent campus, where we can debate face to face.

Where my idea of science can be put against yours for one final test.

Where your family and community can watch as I completely explain you away.

Sound good?

Okay, great.

See you soon.

Hey, hugs and kisses, huh?

Of course, Carlos cannot take her up on this offer.

There are limits, and my limit is the threat of explanation against my husband and the father to my child.

Except, and yet, if we back down now, then where do we stop backing down and what will be left if we do not risk ourselves for this fight?

And Carlos must be thinking the same grim thought as he has sent me this message.

I I speak now not to my adversary, but to my community.

People of Nightvale, meet me at the gates of the University of What It Is.

We cannot let ourselves be explained away, but neither can we live in fear.

I want you to see two scientists meet face to face so that you can realize the danger here is not the manner in which we are thinking or the curiosities that drive us, but the human intention behind the thought.

I seek to help with science.

Dr.

Lubell seeks to destroy.

That is the difference between us.

Although, I suppose today, we are not so different.

Because if I am unable to help Dr.

Lubelle stop her conquest, then I will have no choice but to destroy her.

People of Nightvale, the people of this community I belong to, I will see you there.

You heard him.

Let's go now to the University of What It Is

and also go now to the what

to a

song.

Striving

to make a good feeling last

and try not to think of the past

What's a byline

for a coward at the end of the earth

When nothing he tries ever works

on an island

A rock checking up with the waves

Keeping afloat to be safe

We can't fly, we've got engines.

And I'm tired of sitting in the wreaths.

And it was never my intention

to break your heart and let it bleed.

It's a tie in the race

of feeling on all of your dreams.

Dissembled up your own.

Will I recover

from the bitterness that I hold?

Will I die forget old?

We can't fly, we've got engines.

And I'm tired of sitting in the reeds.

And it was never my intention

to break your heart and let it be.

We can fly, we've got engines,

and I'm tired of sitting in the reeds

And it was never my intention

For all of this to come

For all of this to come

For all of this to come to be

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you, lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you.

It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

Smart Choice.

Progressive loves to help people make smart choices.

That's why they offer a tool called Auto Quote Explorer that allows you to compare your progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies so you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you.

Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates.

Not available in all states or situations.

Prices vary based on how you buy.

Carlos arrived at the gates of the University of What It Is, Nightvale Adjacent campus.

A collection of trailers and tents just outside of city limits.

He arrived in a stylish, old-fashioned purple-striped jalopi.

Trailing behind him was a glowing cloud, from which fell the bodies of dead animals.

This was the child of the Glow Cloud.

I just needed to collect my two friends, Carlos said, and here I was confused because I only saw one companion, but then his jalopy winked.

And I realized it was none other than the shapeshifter Josh Creighton, who had brought Carlos back from his trip to retrieve the Glow Cloud.

Dr.

Lubell stepped forward to meet our hometown hero.

Behind her was her henchman, Dr.

Blake Jones, released last week on bail for breaking and entering.

And behind them was a nearly endless crowd of begoggled scientists.

Dr.

Lubell smiled with venom and crossed her arms over her chest.

Welcome to the party, she said.

Behind Carlos, there gathered a more ragtag group, the Community of Night Vale, or what was left of us after so much of our town had been explained away.

They glared at both Dr.

Lubell and Carlos, radiating hatred for the scientific method and all who practice such heresy.

Carlos cleared his throat and spoke both to the university of what it is and to his town.

I once said that science is meat.

I don't know if I believe that anymore.

Because science is really messy.

It can be used for greatness, for love, for humanity.

And it can also be used to other, to murder, and to mutilate.

We want science to be something outside of, higher than ourselves.

But it has always just been us.

And so it is up to us what to do with science.

Dr.

Lubell has presented you with a vision of science that is colonizing, that is devoid of wonder, as barren as the Atacama Desert.

And you've reacted against that with distrust and fear and anger.

I understand that.

But I'm presenting you with a different vision of science.

And I hope you've seen that I've done so for my entire decade in your community.

A science that is your neighbor, a science that seeks not to steal the stars, but to show them to you all the better.

So I am asking you, my community, to trust me.

To trust that the best way to fight science used for ill is not superstition or a retreat away from everything that we have learned or to distrust all science.

Science is a tool, helpful and dangerous, but we will use it only for our fellow humans with the benefit of the least of us always in mind.

This is the only true way to face up to those of us who use this most beautiful of human inventions against humanity itself.

And I invite you to join me in doing so.

Well, I don't mind telling you I cried when Carlos spoke those words.

Because we had been thinking about this the wrong way.

We had seen it as us versus science, when this whole time we could have seen it as our science versus a perversion of science.

And then we never had to look at Carlos or my family with distrust.

There were grumblings among the townspeople, however.

It seemed maybe they weren't as convinced when there was only one scientist on our side and a horde of Dr.

Lubell's minions in lab coats following her every evil word.

Josh revved his engine in frustration.

The Glow Cloud gusted and moaned.

Dr.

Lubell sneered at us from afront her army, daring us to act.

And then someone did act.

And it was no one on our side.

Dr.

Blake Jones, assistant to Dr.

Lubell, her loyal henchman, who had tricked me so cruelly not two months before.

He stepped forward and spoke in a clear, reedy voice.

The scientist of Nightvale is right.

Our former colleague, our friend, Dr.

Carlos Robles.

He speaks of science as we all once understood it, not as an alternative to humanity, but as humanity's greatest instrument.

I say that the University of What It Is once had a higher purpose.

To find out what is,

what all of it is.

But we got way late.

Now we merely find out what we can possess,

what we can destroy.

And there is only one person who can bring us back to our original purpose.

And it is not this pretender that has led us to this disgraceful state, but Carlos.

Carlos,

will you be our new dean?

There was an uncertainty of silence.

The horde of scientists looked at each other.

They murmured and debated, and then they came to a scientific consensus.

And as one, they stepped forward with a deafening whomp of footfalls, following Blake Jones and abandoning Dr.

Janet Lubell.

The doctor sputtered in disbelief, faced for the first time with the world not acting according to her whims.

And then she forced a laugh, a laugh like a pipe organ tumbling down a hillside.

This is your move, Carlos.

You get my own people to turn on me?

You bring with you a car that can wink and a shiny puff of vapor functionally identical to one that I already explained away?

No, no, no.

Let me tell you, Dr.

Carlos Robles, originally of Pomona, California.

Let me tell you, Dr.

Carlos Robles, who did his undergraduate in marine biology at UC Santa Barbara, let me tell you, Dr.

Carlos Robles, whose middle name, if I remember right, is inexplicably Dave.

Let me tell you that nothing you have thrown at me makes even a dent in my confidence.

Your magic tricks of shape-shifting 20-somethings and glowing clouds are no more impressive to me than if you asked me to pick a card.

And I don't need Dr.

Jones or any of these other deadweights.

I am sovereign, dependent on no one, sure,

always of the right course, the correct point of view.

Nothing can cause me to waver in what I know to be true.

Every single one of my hypotheses are proven.

You say that's not how science works?

You say that's not how science works.

I say that you're just worse at science than me.

Now,

ha, now you're starting to understand.

There is no defeating me, no trick to wriggling out under my thumb.

I've gained every gambit, foreseen every fumbling, sweaty strategy.

You have lost.

And now,

now, Carlos,

I will explain you away.

You, Dr.

Carlos Robles, were the son of.

And that's when the Glow Cloud dropped a dead cow on Dr.

Lubell.

I sure hope she wasn't injured.

We should check on her at some point, you know.

I think eventually.

But either way, the crowd of locals and the crowd of renegade scientists were confused, then shocked, then ecstatic.

Then they all began to chant, all hail the child of the glow cloud.

The scientists, with Dr.

Jones in the lead, stepped around the messy splatter of cow parts to approach Carlos.

Dr.

Jones said, By the power vested in me due to the last person in charge getting squashed by a cow, I now declare you Dean of the University of What It Is Nightvale Adjacent Campus.

Carlos nodded seriously.

I accept, he said, but I'm going to keep working out of my lab.

I'm comfortable there, even though the sound level hasn't been great since Big Rico's Pizza added that animatronic band.

But our town is mostly gone, shouted a voice from the crowd.

I did not recognize the voice, but it spoke for all of us.

Maybe, even, it was my own.

The voice continued, You said that science could help us.

So use your science to help us.

Carlos nodded.

Dr.

Lubelle did explain away most of Nightvale, but I have had a look at her explanations and they do not hold up to scrutiny.

They are hasty constructions, full of pedantry, without rigor, and most importantly of all, not peer reviewed.

And one by one, I have been carefully debunking her sloppy debunking.

Carlos waved his hand to indicate.

There was the city council.

Back with its many voices screeching in terrifying joy.

And Tamika Flynn in the middle plugging her ears and smiling.

And the brownstone spire, humming with indifferent violence.

And here I shouted with joy, because the lights above the Arby's, inscrutable sigils of invaders from another world, shone just where they had been those 10 long years ago, when a young scientist asked an ancient radio host to meet him and to sit awhile on the warm hood of his car.

Finally, we all looked to the sky, confident that we would see an old friend returning.

But we only saw the child of that friend.

still glowing its many colors, still humming its bewitching song.

I'm sorry, Carlos said to the child of the Glow Cloud.

I wasn't able to explain that explanation away, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid your parent is gone for good.

And the child of the Glow Cloud, now

the only one of its kind, and so forever forward just known as the Glow Cloud, dropped a flutter of dead starlings

and let out a mournful cry.

And we took up its cry, as the entire community grieved those losses that could never be regained,

and emptiness that we could never fill, not in a thousand years of sunny days.

I walked up to Mai Carlos, the new dean of his old university, and the scientist whose work would serve to lead us into the future, not turn us into servants of an inhuman future.

What do we do now?

I asked him.

He smiled.

First, we go home, eat meals together, remember that we are a community,

and that we are better together than we are alone.

He paused, narrowed his eyes, and looked out past the horde of scientists now under his command, past the corpse of a cow with two human legs sticking out from underneath, past the sprawling campus that he now had the job of incorporating into his lab operations, to the horizon, a wash of storm clouds and dust.

And Carlos said,

Then there is some research I would like to do on a desert otherworld.

He smiled.

Yes, I think there is still so much to learn about that place.

Stay tuned next for another year, much like the year before, except for all the details.

Good night.

My Night Vale restored.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Nightvale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Dispirition.

The voice of Carlos is Dylan Marin.

The voice of Dr.

Lu Bell is Janet Varney.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Engines by Dead Billionaires.

Find out more at at deadbillionaires.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio and on Instagram at NightvaleOfficial.

We now have a TikTok at Nightvale Official as well.

If you like short videos, buy a fictional radio station.

And also check out WelcometonNightvale.com, where we have info about our new live show with a brand new script, which we will start touring very soon.

Today's proverb.

May you be forever young.

Like pre-potty training.

I'm cursing you to an eternity of not getting how a toilet works.

Good luck.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre junk.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible.

free if you already have that subscription and if you don't audible has a trial membership and if i know you and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.