63 - There Is No Part 1: Part 2

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't gotta know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvell.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

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There is no part one.

This

is part two.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, I won't waste your time recapping everything that happened in the earlier part of this broadcast.

There were so many events of such tremendous impact and significance that they are surely locked forever in your memory.

So, let us, a town with an imperiled mayor and a brutally injured sheriff, a town under attack, a town in the middle of something that we are seeing through from start to finish, let Let us continue right where we left off.

Harrison Kip, adjunct professor of archaeology at the Community College, announced once again that he is super sorry about accidentally raising the sand golem by whispering sweet nothings to that talisman he found out in the desert.

The team of six wealthy sponsors who backed this project, and who he has only ever spoken to by phone, told him that this was what mysterious talismans liked.

Talismans love to be flirted with in a

sexy whisper,

the anonymous sponsors had told him, although they never mentioned that doing so would cause a sand golem to rise and turn against the humans around it.

My bad,

Harrison said gravely, continuing, most deaf, my bad.

Before fleeing into the desert, receding from human form, to distant human form, to dot, to smudge, to misplaced pixel on the horizon line, to memory, to vague recollection, to an idea just out of reach.

to something I knew long ago but now cannot grasp enough to feel its absence.

The sandgollum, along with thousands of Angora rabbits, which were released from the Nightvale Petting Zoo by unknown malicious parties, have reached the upper floors of City Hall and are attacking anything that moves, or doesn't move, or just exists anywhere on the spectrum of motion, with its huge sand fists and their soft, harmless fur.

Director of emergency press conferences, Pamela Winchell, held a non-emergency press conference, explaining that the situation seemed too urgent to distract everyone with the usual emergency press conference.

She read a statement written by Mayor Dana Cardinal, indicating that the mayor has given up on her previously announced plan to barricade the door, and then found her subsequently announced plan to hide was ruined when she released the statement announcing it.

And so now, she is announcing her current plan, which is to fight.

To fight and to win.

Listeners, I would gladly help the mayor, but as I've been regularly expressing throughout the morning's tragedies and this afternoon's attack, I have conflicted feelings here.

Yes, Mayor Dana is a dear friend and one of the citizens of this town I trust the most, but

but

the last time I helped her, it was done without my will.

Not against my will,

without.

I was used as a puppet to save a good friend, and good friend though she is, it is not a feeling I wish to experience again.

I'll tell you what I think it is.

I believe the culprit is whoever bought lot 37 from the sheriff's secret police auction last year.

Lot 37.

One radio host.

One Cecil Palmer.

One

me.

I believe whoever owns that lot has manipulated me into the role of hero.

Like an action figure limp in the sticky hands of a child.

I do not wish to be manipulated again, except in that way that anyone who lives in an all-seeing, authoritarian state is constantly manipulated for their own health and well-being.

Such is the wish of all people, to be manipulated in ways that are good for them.

But, all to say,

maybe someone else can help Dana this time.

More and more on this soon, as there has been much

and much before.

Construction work is already commencing at the bowling alley after the shocking incident we reported on earlier today.

I know I'll never look at one of those ball return machines the same way again.

Teddy Williams said the space should again be available for bowling by Wednesday at the latest, that league night is set to continue as scheduled, and that he's had enough.

Just enough.

There's only so much one person,

you know, that one person can take.

And that limit was reached several months ago, and he's just been coasting, you know, coasting, trying,

doing his best, and now this, now this, right?

Now this.

He doesn't know what next?

What now?

He doesn't know what he's going to do.

Probably not this anymore, he doesn't think.

How old do you have to be to retire?

How old is he?

He doesn't know the answer to those questions, but he'll find out, and then he'll

know, you know, he'll know.

And again, League Night is continuing as scheduled.

Which

wouldn't be a good week for me without League Night.

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Oh, I'm sorry, listeners.

There is a knocking on my studio window.

It is a man in a tan jacket holding a deer skin suitcase.

It is difficult to describe his features as they escape my mind the moment my eyes leave his face.

He is waving, indicating that he would like to come in and speak to me, and presumably to all of you.

Um yeah, come on in

But how would we even get there?

I've never heard of that place.

I

don't remember what I was just saying.

Um

I think someone was just speaking to me and to all of you out there about something that seemed very important, but now

I can't remember.

You all heard him too.

Do you remember what he said?

Oh,

why am I sweaty?

I think I remember him offering me a note or some piece of paper.

I didn't take it.

Maybe I should have taken it?

I don't know.

Speaking of notes, I am being handed another one by intern Hannah.

Hopefully it is better than the note she handed me this morning during the earlier section of this broadcast.

That was such an awful note.

I mean, I don't have to tell you, right?

So sad,

sad and awful.

You remember?

Also kind of funny, though.

Just a pretty sad, awful, funny note, really?

Um but this note, well, it seems that

no,

no, no, no.

It seems that once again during this recent bit of missing time, brave radio host Cecil Palmer has stepped in and helped Mayor Cardinal fight off the sangollum and the Angora rabbits.

Cecil, showing strength beyond his stature, held the sangollum down while Dana wiped away the writing on its forehead that gave it unnatural life, dispersing it to inanimate sand, and then we just kind of shooed the rabbits.

They were just rabbits and even in great numbers were not at all threatening.

This left the mayor safe, with only a few bumps and bruises and a wrecked office covered with sand that probably will never be completely cleaned away.

Certainly better than what happened to the sheriff, that poor man.

I am being told that Mayor Cardinal indicated deep gratitude for my help.

I am being told this because I do not remember this

because I am certain now the owner of Lot thirty seven, the owner of Cecil Palmer, once again used me only to protect Dana.

That is

I'll have to think about what that is.

But first,

a continuation of our previous Children's Fun Fact Science Corner

Children, it's now time to go check on those glass vials we prepared earlier in the broadcast.

If you mixed everything right and placed it in a warm, dry place like we told you to, you should be able to now observe the start of the tendrils.

Don't get close to them.

Those tendrils have a strong grip.

One could call their grip unbreakable or even poisonous.

You might

also hear buzzing.

Do you hear buzzing?

Listen closely.

Science is all about observation.

Write down what the buzzing sounds like in detail.

Draw a graph to show the buzzing.

What the buzzing is telling you is that the thing in the vial has marked you as its prey.

You need to run.

Oh, you should have started running the moment you heard the buzzing.

I'm sorry.

Ha, I should have said that before the rest of this stuff.

If you don't hear anything, then congratulations!

You can move on to the second part of the experiment.

Lay down plastic sheeting in the room, and we'll be back to give you the full instructions later.

This has been part two of the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

This day started bad, and it does not appear to be getting better anytime soon.

I,

however unwillingly and unconsciously, helped the mayor fight off her attackers, and yet even that act was not enough to end this ordeal.

Hiram McDaniels, literal five-headed dragon, and the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, both former mayoral candidates, have taken City Hall once again captive.

Hiram is preventing anyone from entering the front door using his massive body, fire breathing, and harsh language.

Mayor Cardinal has issued a statement through her mouth, shouting out of an upper floor window that the faceless old woman is stalking her through City Hall.

Dana can hear bare feet skittering across the hallway ceiling, can sense the memory of motion in in the air when she turns, can feel breath on her neck, dry and cold, like breath never is.

She has come for me, Dana shouted mayorally.

I will not be able to avoid her forever.

I will not be able to do anything forever.

Hiram, in response to questions asked by a group of lightly scorched secret police currently trying to tase and arrest him, admitted that he and the faceless old woman have been conspiring against the mayor for quite some time.

Convincing Pamela Winchell to enter a disastrous retirement, staging a blatantly consumerist Christmas display involving gift cards and an ancient monolith, freeing the antiques from their pen, funding the dig that led Harrison Kip to find the Sand Gollum's talisman.

Unsealing and freeing the army of tiny people under Lane 5 of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex this morning.

Working to sabotage the ultimately successful defense led by the Sheriff today against the tiny army.

From which the sheriff miraculously emerged unscathed.

Then causing the saw cyclone that swept through the sheriff's office, not injuring him at all, but really messing up his draperies.

And then, finally,

sending the sheriff an angry letter, which resulted in the serious paper cut he is currently recovering from.

And now,

all of these measures unsuccessful in removing Dana from power, Hiram and the faceless old woman have been left with no choice but to attack the mayor directly.

Just try to stop us, said Hiram.

Just try.

I'd like to see you try, puny mortals, roared another one of his heads, although not the one you'd think.

Well, certainly I won't try.

I've had enough of this mayor-saving business.

My job is to report.

That is what I do, reporting.

That is why they call me what they call me, me: a journalist.

Now, let me report and only report.

We are taking you all to the weather.

Get stomped like a snake.

Lie down in the dirt.

Cling to my convictions.

Even when I get hurt.

Be an upstanding, well-loved man

about town

In your child's mind, that's how it goes down.

But I tried

the losing side,

I don't wanna die in here,

I don't wanna die in here.

Drip down into the new dark light

without any reservations.

You found my breaking point

Congratulations

Spent too much of my life now trying to play fair

Throw my better self overboard Shoot at him when he comes up for air

Come unhinged

Get revenge

I don't wanna die in here

I don't wanna die in here.

Stay good under pressure for years and years and years and years.

President of the fan club up there choking on his tears.

Let all the trash rain down

from way up in the rafters.

I'm walking out of here in one piece.

Don't care what comes after.

Drive the wedge,

torch the bridge.

I don't wanna die in here.

I don't wanna die in here.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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Here I am, listeners,

whoever I am.

Here it is, the me that is whichever me I am.

You can guess what happened, I think.

Once again, it was brave Cecil who saved the mayor, throwing his body between her and the wrath of the faceless old woman and Hiram.

It was not an easy fight, and not an easy fight for me to remember.

Here is what I know.

Hiram McDaniels is no longer at City Hall.

With my help, the secret police almost apprehended him, but our efforts, while just enough to prevent his continued siege, were just under what was needed to capture a literal five-headed dragon, and in the scuffle, Hiram disappeared.

He could be anywhere: Switz, Lemoria, the secret lost pet city on the moon,

or even

still in nightvale.

Even that.

Here is what else I know.

The faceless old woman who secretly lives in all of our homes was unable to complete her malicious plans against our mayor, and is now secretly living in all of our homes still.

She did not need to change anything in order to hide.

These two rebels, who are against the mayor rightfully chosen for us by forces we do not understand,

will not rest quietly.

I have no doubt of it.

I know that there is more coming, as always.

This is what I know.

Here is what I do not know.

The owner of Lot 37,

who bought me at that auction and did nothing with their prize for so long,

only to now use me again and again with one purpose, to protect one person.

Dana Cardinal.

Mayor Cardinal.

My friend.

Here is who I do not know, but thought I did.

Dana Cardinal, my friend.

And

I am starting to fear,

and I am starting to doubt

the owner of Lot 37.

Could she be?

Who else would be so invested in protecting her and only her, Dana?

Is it you?

Could it be?

It couldn't.

It couldn't.

It couldn't.

But still.

But still.

Huh.

Stay tuned next for part three and part four and many more parts, each succeeding moment after the one before,

and some you will will hear, and some you will not, and none of them will be true exactly, but all of them will be an honest attempt at the most accurate fiction possible.

Good night to our recuperating sheriff.

Good night to a mayor I once thought I knew.

Good night to Old Woman Josie and the rest of the bowling team.

I'll see you at league night.

And good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disperition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was the world premiere of Heel Turn 2 by the Mountain Goats from their upcoming album Beat the Champ.

Find out more at mountain-goats.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool of you.

Today's Proverb: History is written by the victors and then forgotten by the victors.

And then the victors too.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner.

And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.