62 - Hatchets

Speaker 1 Welcome to Night Vale has a lot of really amazing merch, and it's all at welcometonightvale.com.

Speaker 1 And you click on store, we've got t-shirts, leggings, blankets, stickers, posters, mugs, bags, holiday carts, throw pillows, blankets, etc., etc. Oh, ugly Christmas sweaters, whatever you need.

Speaker 1 Even if you've been to our merch store before, it's different now. We're constantly taking down old things and putting up new things.

Speaker 1 So, if something looks pretty dope to you, get it soon because who knows if it'll be there for long. I'm really right now, I just got a bunch of stuff.

Speaker 1 I'm really enjoying my mutated vegetable tea towel designed by Jessica Hayworth, my University of What It Is sweatshirt, and of course, my Moonlight All-Night Diner coffee mug.

Speaker 1 Plus, we have dozens more things for you or someone you love for the holidays or just on a lark. Go to welcometonightveil.com and click on store.

Speaker 1 Hi, this is Vin from the band Caged Animals.

Speaker 1 You've heard our songs Radio Down and Wildflowers on the weather, and I wanted to let you know that we've got a new album called Make Strange Friends, which blends nine character-driven songs with a nightvale-inspired radio play.

Speaker 1 If you're curious to hear it or pick up a copy on Ruby Red Vinyl, you could visit us at cagedanimals.bandcamp.com. Thanks a lot.

Speaker 1 Two feet from the street

Speaker 1 with the radio die.

Speaker 1 Don't turn it up for me.

Speaker 2 Silent nights?

Speaker 1 Total drag.

Speaker 2 But incredible holiday deals are happening now on Bose.com with products that deliver full, rich sound and transform boring into anything but.

Speaker 2 This season, give the gift of sound they'll love on silent nights and long after the holidays are over. Find something for everyone on your list on Bose.com.
Holidays deserve music.

Speaker 2 Music deserves Bose. Shop Bose.com/slash Spotify.

Speaker 1 Dare to dream.

Speaker 1 Do it. We dare you.
Go ahead. Dream.

Speaker 1 It'll be fine.

Speaker 1 We promise.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Night Vale.

Speaker 1 Leanne Hart, publishing editor of the Nightvale Daily Journal, announced today that for a limited time, the Daily Journal will print actual newspapers again.

Speaker 1 No longer will subscribers have only the Imagination edition of the Daily Paper, a compulsory and automatic $60 monthly charge to imagine whatever news you want.

Speaker 1 They will once again have the tyranny of a printed daily edition, where all of the stories are immovable declarations of recent history told by a biased and underpaid third party.

Speaker 1 It's an exciting time to work in print journalism.

Speaker 1 Hart shouted after a news blogger who was sprinting away from the hatchet-wielding veteran of the printed word.

Speaker 1 Part then hurled another hatchet at the terrified representative of the Daily Journal's digital competition.

Speaker 1 She hit her target just behind the knee, felling him as he made a sharp cry and a dull asphalt thud.

Speaker 1 Very exciting, Hart shouted. She added, These printed versions of the Daily Paper are collector's items.

Speaker 1 We've deliberately inserted a bunch of errors into them because true collectors know that makes them worth a bunch more.

Speaker 1 Listeners, I for one think a resurgence in the newspaper industry would be great.

Speaker 1 This could mean even more jobs here in Nightvale. This will create lots of new jobs for Nightvale.
Hart will certainly have said by this time tomorrow, lots of real, awesome jobs.

Speaker 1 I am sure she will have reiterated.

Speaker 1 And now a look at traffic.

Speaker 1 There's an accident at the corner of Hollows Road and Great Hills Drive.

Speaker 1 It's a pretty bad accident. It is likely neither party saw an accident of this magnitude coming.

Speaker 1 Each driver stands, staring, dumbfounded at their two twisted cars, which look like one.

Speaker 1 One...

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 1 Not a car.

Speaker 1 A spiteful, burning beast born of mundane haste and arrogant industrial progress.

Speaker 1 The two drivers cannot comprehend what to do.

Speaker 1 They are

Speaker 1 still,

Speaker 1 mostly,

Speaker 1 fidgeting, sometimes, Thinking,

Speaker 1 not at all.

Speaker 1 A neighbor who came out of her house upon hearing the hard smash of hard metal can't seem to process what is happening either.

Speaker 1 She's slowly leaning away as if wanting to leave, wanting to forget she ever witnessed this.

Speaker 1 But she cannot move.

Speaker 1 She cannot take that first

Speaker 1 step.

Speaker 1 Her eyes growing wide,

Speaker 1 wild,

Speaker 1 as her mouth opens slack at first and then slowly recoils into an unheard scream.

Speaker 1 The two drivers feel the neighbor there.

Speaker 1 But they do not turn.

Speaker 1 They do not ask for help

Speaker 1 or aid.

Speaker 1 Too scared to move, they stand and gaze into the crumpled slits along the sides of the pressed cars, that damnable block of hot machinery and its black smoke swirls.

Speaker 1 And on the concrete, there is glass,

Speaker 1 and above the glass are

Speaker 1 arms

Speaker 1 and hair

Speaker 1 and drying blood.

Speaker 1 And the drivers stare at their own wretched bodies inside the mangled contraptions and they do not think about anything other than what they once were.

Speaker 1 They watch their bodies hoping for a twitch,

Speaker 1 a breath,

Speaker 1 any kind of movement,

Speaker 1 Hoping for another chance in life.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 it's backed up pretty bad near the best-buy.

Speaker 1 Choose some alternate routes today.

Speaker 1 This has been

Speaker 1 Traffic.

Speaker 1 You know me, listeners.

Speaker 1 I'm a pretty straight and narrow radio professional. I am all about objectivity and impartiality.

Speaker 1 But it's time for a Cecil Palmer editorial.

Speaker 1 Given the growing prevalence of the internet, not just on computers, but also phones and watches and owls and certain trees,

Speaker 1 Our private information is just out there, waiting to be taken and exploited by the wrong kinds of people.

Speaker 1 Of course, it's vitally important that vague yet menacing government agencies have access to our personal data, like income,

Speaker 1 dream journals, phone logs, embarrassing thoughts, and slash fiction archives. Ooh,

Speaker 1 also the police and the world government. Oh, and the mayor, and the faceless old woman who secretly lives in all of our homes.
Yes, those

Speaker 1 people should all have access to our private data. But now,

Speaker 1 there are things called

Speaker 1 scripts and algorithms that can just scan our emails. and our purchase history and all those photos of cats wearing baseball mitts we like to share with each other.

Speaker 1 And these scripts and algorithms are sometimes called

Speaker 1 bots.

Speaker 1 And these bots are large cyborgs that break into our homes and look through our stuff

Speaker 1 and then feed these secrets to corporations. And then these corporations make more bots.
And soon we will have to fight bot armies.

Speaker 1 But with what?

Speaker 1 Knives and guns are completely internet-based now. They will turn against us in that war.
We are not safe from the impending bot wars.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 stop having personal data. is what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 1 No more emails. No more job histories nightvale.
No more cat pictures or erotic fanfic.

Speaker 1 Or text messages. I know.

Speaker 1 I know this is difficult.

Speaker 1 On the one hand, we enjoy having personal information like careers and friends and hobbies. On the other hand,

Speaker 1 We're talking about war.

Speaker 1 And on the third 11-fingered hand, nothing is to say bots wouldn't be benevolent leaders, but I do not wish to find this out. I'm sure the naysayers will tell me that I'm overreacting.

Speaker 1 Which I am, but it's my opinion, okay?

Speaker 1 You don't get to tell me who's overreacting. You're underreacting, I'll say.
Yeah, I'll totally say that. I'll say it right to their face.
And what?

Speaker 1 What's that?

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 oh okay

Speaker 1 uh listeners intern Maureen just handed me a note explaining that the city council has just declared all information totally public

Speaker 1 and that since no information is private anymore the giant corporations and their bots cannot harm us by mining private data.

Speaker 1 The city will keep all our information safely out in the open and available to anyone wearing sunglasses and a sidearm.

Speaker 1 Hey, thanks, Maureen.

Speaker 1 Moments ago, the sheriff's secret police held a secret press conference reminding us that all murder is illegal.

Speaker 1 Also, attempted murder.

Speaker 1 Like, let's say you try to kill a person, but you don't succeed

Speaker 1 a secret police spokesperson whispered from behind a concrete pillar in the underground garage of the disused East Nightvale Mall.

Speaker 1 Then that's still illegal, even if you didn't kill that person.

Speaker 1 But what if you just think about killing a person, but don't actually do it?

Speaker 1 came one question from the batch of reporters who were also whispering and hiding. Well,

Speaker 1 that's not illegal then,

Speaker 1 the spokesperson whispered in reply. But I have it all planned out and everything,

Speaker 1 the reporter continued. I just haven't done it yet.
Is that illegal?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 that's just mean

Speaker 1 and kind of weird,

Speaker 1 said the secret police spokesperson before walking out into the open and saying,

Speaker 1 Leanne,

Speaker 1 is that you?

Speaker 1 Um no, no

Speaker 1 came a comically deep voice that was obviously fake. Not me at all

Speaker 1 I'm just an old bagel wrapper someone left on the ground. I'm inanimate garbage.

Speaker 1 Leanne,

Speaker 1 we know it's you, said the spokesperson. Stop attacking bloggers with hatchets.
We found a dozen more wounded bloggers in Mission Grove Park this morning.

Speaker 1 They all had hatchets in their backs and were very upset. It's not nice, Leanne.
It's also illegal, okay?

Speaker 1 I'm a bagel wrapper, you

Speaker 1 jerk,

Speaker 1 Hart replied, still whispering and hiding.

Speaker 1 And now a word from our sponsor.

Speaker 1 You

Speaker 1 are thirsty.

Speaker 1 Of course you are. We are all metaphorically thirsty for better things, but you are literally thirsty.
Literally thirsty for

Speaker 1 anything.

Speaker 1 You can feel your dry lips, swollen and sticking together, their crusted gray edges adorning the pink pane beneath. You lick your lips, feeling better for a moment, but actually worsening the problem.

Speaker 1 It's hot,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 Pretty hot and dry, actually.

Speaker 1 Are those flies?

Speaker 1 Yes, those are flies.

Speaker 1 Are those birds? Vultures?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Actual vultures. In your home.
How did these soaring scavengers get in my home?

Speaker 1 You think.

Speaker 1 Perhaps you could use some cool,

Speaker 1 pure,

Speaker 1 natural, and refreshing Fiji water.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Fiji water sounds so

Speaker 1 nice,

Speaker 1 doesn't it?

Speaker 1 But Fiji Water is not. Who is sponsoring this show? Fiji Water doesn't even know about this show.
Who is sponsoring this show?

Speaker 1 We cannot tell you. We're not allowed.

Speaker 1 Fiji Water is completely unaware of you too.

Speaker 1 So sorry.

Speaker 1 This will not end quickly.

Speaker 1 So very,

Speaker 1 very sorry.

Speaker 1 This has been a word from our sponsor.

Speaker 1 This afternoon, Nightvale High School and the armed militia that make up our Committee for Civic Pride are holding a ticker tape parade for local sports hero Michael Sandero, who became the first Nightvale High athlete to play in a college football national title game.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, Sandero's team, the University of Michigan Wolverines, lost to copies of themselves in the title game.

Speaker 1 But Sandero did win the Heisman Trophy for the nation's best college football player. and did his hometown proud.

Speaker 1 Intern Maureen, who I sent to report on the parade,

Speaker 1 oh,

Speaker 1 is texting me that there's a problem.

Speaker 1 Um, I'm getting word that Leanne Hart has interrupted the festivities with an announcement.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. According to Maureen's flurry of texts, Hart is claiming that Michigan did not play itself for the title.

Speaker 1 As proof of her claim, Hart passed out copies of a news article from the Michigan Daily from January 13

Speaker 1 stating that at the end of the season, Michigan lost more games than they won and that their quarterback's name is Devin Gardner, not Michael Sandero.

Speaker 1 On the front page of that issue of the Daily is a headline strongly indicating that people at the University of Michigan can remember most things correctly.

Speaker 1 Pretty much no major memory problems here, the headline reads.

Speaker 1 She also claims that a school called Ohio State won the national title over a school called Oregon.

Speaker 1 Maureen confirmed that while Ohio is in fact a U.S. state, Michigan and Oregon are neither states nor cities anyone seems to have heard before.

Speaker 1 We are still trying to figure out their languages of origin.

Speaker 1 Maureen is texting me that Hart is now shouting blogger over and over.

Speaker 1 Maureen is texting me that Hart is hurling hatchets now.

Speaker 1 Maureen is texting me that everyone looks pretty scared. Maureen just texted me, I'm hit.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 let me

Speaker 1 let me respond really quick.

Speaker 1 Is

Speaker 1 that slang

Speaker 1 for something

Speaker 1 Maureen?

Speaker 1 Okay, she texted back. I'm hit.
She got me.

Speaker 1 I'm bleeding.

Speaker 1 Um.

Speaker 1 Uh.

Speaker 1 I... I don't understand young people and their weird tech speak at all.
Who even knows what she's trying to say? Well,

Speaker 1 whatever.

Speaker 1 While I text Maureen back with a quick grammar lesson, let me take you to the weather.

Speaker 1 What's in town? The black and red as the politicians cower under their beds. Oh,

Speaker 1 no going back tonight.

Speaker 1 And the queer farmers will let out their livestock and breed a revolution on the interstate.

Speaker 1 And superb kids will flee from the cul-de-sacs and barricade the streets with their mom's bands.

Speaker 1 And together we'll tear down the wall that makes this whole system possible.

Speaker 1 The world will come to a standstill,

Speaker 1 but we'll make sure it fits on turn.

Speaker 1 I'm turned on cause you're so cute.

Speaker 1 I'm turned on cause you're so cute.

Speaker 1 Let's cross our rights and circle our rays. And running through the wild to hide the days, though.

Speaker 1 Till there's no enemy inside.

Speaker 1 We'll make to an electricity and find out just how electrified our bodies can be.

Speaker 1 Let me keep each other all together.

Speaker 1 And young professionals will become amateurs and abandon themselves to a life of yearning. As orchids and urban centers will manifest their will to power.
And we'll occupy and DIYs without each other.

Speaker 1 We may as well die.

Speaker 1 The world will come to a standstill.

Speaker 1 But we'll make sure it keeps on true.

Speaker 1 I'm turned on cause you're so cute.

Speaker 1 I'm turned on cause you're so cute.

Speaker 3 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies just to see if you could save some cash? Well, Progressive makes it easy.

Speaker 3 Just drop in some details about yourself and see if you're eligible to save money when you bundle your home and auto policies.

Speaker 3 The process only takes minutes and it could mean hundreds more in your pocket. Visit progressive.com after this episode to see if you could save.
Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates.

Speaker 3 Potential savings will vary, not available in all states.

Speaker 3 The holidays are approaching and everyone knows that this time of year, the sooner you can get things done, the better.

Speaker 3 For both shoppers and businesses, the best time to score great deals during the holidays is during that Black Friday, Cyber Monday weekend.

Speaker 3 And if you have your own business, whether you've been around the block a few times or this is your first year going through the holiday sale rush, the most important thing you can have is a platform that can handle everything that's about to be thrown at you.

Speaker 3 This is a crucial time for your business and your customers. And with Shopify, you can be sure that your tools and platform are ready for anything that comes your way.

Speaker 3 Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S., from household names to entrepreneurs who will be participating in their first Black Friday, Cyber Monday this year.

Speaker 3 With everything else going on, you probably don't have time to spend hours poring over every little detail in your online store.

Speaker 3 That's why Shopify's thousands of templates and tools help you streamline website creation and make sure that your site isn't just aesthetically pleasing, but functional and easy to use.

Speaker 3 Shopify's expedited checkout, ShopPay, saves customer information and reduces hassle.

Speaker 3 And the best part is that it's been proven to boost conversions, meaning you'll see less abandoned carts and more profits.

Speaker 3 You can also stress less knowing that Shopify's award-winning customer support team is on standby 24-7 to help with any issues that arise, allowing you to get back to your business as fast as possible.

Speaker 3 This Black Friday, join the thousands of new entrepreneurs hearing

Speaker 3 for the first time with Shopify. Sign up for your free trial today at shopify.com slash realm.
That's shopify. com slash realm.

Speaker 3 Go to shopify.com slash realm and make this Black Friday one to remember.

Speaker 1 Listeners, I have just learned that Maureen was struck with a hatchet thrown by Leanne Hart.

Speaker 1 So then

Speaker 1 to the family of Intern Maureen

Speaker 1 She was a good

Speaker 1 a valiant intern,

Speaker 1 brave,

Speaker 1 right up until the end.

Speaker 1 Sadly, she is with us no more.

Speaker 1 She will be missed.

Speaker 1 For the hatchet attack on Maureen, as well as several other attacks at today's parade and more than five dozen similar hatchet-based assaults in the past several weeks, The sheriff's secret police arrested Leanne Hart.

Speaker 1 We told you it was illegal to kill people, Leanne,

Speaker 1 the sheriff himself said from his hover office in the clouds, and also to try to kill people.

Speaker 1 But they were news bloggers, Hart replied. I can't stay in business and create jobs if news bloggers putting me out of business and destroying those jobs.

Speaker 1 And the sheriff agreed, saying it's the Secret Police's job to protect business interests as well as citizen interests.

Speaker 1 The City Council also agreed.

Speaker 1 So did the vague yet menacing government agency, nodding quietly from inside their long black sedans with tinted windows, while snapping photos of everything they saw.

Speaker 1 The mayor did not agree.

Speaker 1 Mayor Dana Cardinal went against the city council and said that she, for one, did not think people or businesses should be allowed to use physical violence against their competition or anyone for that matter.

Speaker 1 The city council bristled.

Speaker 1 And then they all squawked and flew away.

Speaker 1 It is unclear whether or not news bloggers agree, as many of them have gone silent on this issue, replacing their investigative reports and think pieces with pictures of cats wearing baseball gloves, and top-rated recipes for invisible pie.

Speaker 1 The sheriff then announced that all charges against Hart would be dropped, except for the assault on intern Maureen.

Speaker 1 Maureen, after all, was not a news blogger, but a radio intern who posed no direct threat to Hart's newspaper, the sheriff said.

Speaker 1 And I agreed.

Speaker 1 The sheriff then played the entirety of Domenico Galli's Sonata Quinta on his gold cello.

Speaker 1 But but she looked like a blogger, Hart insisted. She was typing into her phone.
All those bloggers do that. Bloggers love typing on their phones.

Speaker 1 But she worked in radio, Leanne, the sheriff said, as he ended a series of lilting high notes with a single discordant bass tone.

Speaker 1 He closed his eyes and shook his head. I'm sorry, but that is attempted murder.
You have to go to jail now.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 but I didn't attempt to kill her.

Speaker 1 You said murder and attempted murder were illegal. Murder wasn't my intent, Leanne said.

Speaker 1 Then what was your intent? The sheriff asked. Oh,

Speaker 1 just throwing a hatchet at her. Nothing more?

Speaker 1 Nothing less, Hart said. I meant nothing by it.

Speaker 1 She added, brushing her hands together and then holding them out, empty and clean. Her open palms signified case closed.

Speaker 1 And the sheriff, held to the higher law of gestures, had no choice but to acquiesce.

Speaker 1 So, Hart was set free, turned back into the world to print more news, to keep the industry alive.

Speaker 1 Before she left, she paused and said,

Speaker 1 I think something's wrong in Michigan.

Speaker 1 And listeners, that's how she said it. I don't know why.
It's very clear how it's actually pronounced if you see it written out.

Speaker 1 And she held up her copy of the Michigan Daily from January 13 with an article that said, Michigan Sandero lose close one to themselves.

Speaker 1 And the front page of the Michigan Daily now showed a bold headline, We have forgotten so many things.

Speaker 1 And then several blank columns with no story, merely pictures of normal things like shoes and birds and ghosts, all captioned with a series of frantic question marks.

Speaker 1 I guess I was wrong earlier. I don't know.
Weird, right?

Speaker 1 Hart said with a shrug.

Speaker 1 That is crazy weird, the sheriff agreed, finishing out the sonata before disappearing in a soft breeze.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 agree,

Speaker 1 said a nearby news blogger who was coughing up blood and clutching tightly to the hatchet lodged in her abdomen.

Speaker 1 I can't wait to blog

Speaker 1 about it,

Speaker 1 the blogger said through gritted teeth.

Speaker 1 Leanne tightened her grip on the hatchet in her left hand, raising it slightly.

Speaker 1 There was a tense pause that was eventually broken by a light smirk from Leanne Hart.

Speaker 1 Then the two of them laughed and laughed.

Speaker 1 They are both still laughing now.

Speaker 1 Because of the hatchet attack she survived today,

Speaker 1 intern Maureen has resigned from radio.

Speaker 1 As I clearly and without any other possible interpretation explained earlier.

Speaker 1 Oh, she wasn't hurt that badly, but Maureen went on and on about radio being a dangerous job and totally not worth the constant risk of death. I told her she makes it harder than it needs to be.

Speaker 1 She rolled her eyes and packed up her desk.

Speaker 1 I miss her already. She had a good sense of humor.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned next for something clawing at your window. It will also be sniffing, sniffing and clawing at your window.

Speaker 1 Occasionally, it will wail.

Speaker 1 Occasionally, you will hear nothing. So, to recap, sniffing and clawing at your window over and over with the occasional piercing wail and then long

Speaker 1 silences.

Speaker 1 All that next.

Speaker 1 And as always, good night, Night Vale.

Speaker 1 Good night.

Speaker 4 Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.
The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Speaker 4 Original music by Disperition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.
This episode's weather was Anarchy Date by Queer Rocket.

Speaker 1 Find out more at queerrocket.com.

Speaker 4 Comments, questions, email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Speaker 4 Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts sorts of cool Night Vale stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

Speaker 4 That'd be cool of you. Today's Proverb.
Ask your doctor just who he thinks he is.

Speaker 1 Say it just like that.

Speaker 4 Say, who do you think you are? See if he starts crying. I know I would.

Speaker 1 Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025. And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour? We are.

Speaker 1 We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota. That's in July.

Speaker 1 You'll kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting. We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

Speaker 1 And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

Speaker 1 And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

Speaker 1 You can find all of the show dates at welcometonightvale.com slash live. Listen, this brand new live show show is so much fun.

Speaker 1 It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

Speaker 1 These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

Speaker 1 So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Speaker 1 Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com live. Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets to our live U.S. plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.
And hey, see you soon.