61 - BRINY DEPTHS

Did you know that Nightfall is not just a podcast, it's also books?

That's right.

It's like movies for your ears, but in written word form.

We have four script collections that are fully illustrated with behind-the-scenes intros for every single episode.

And then we have three novels.

The first Welcome to Nightfall novel, in which two women have their lives turned upside down by a mysterious man in a tan jacket.

We reveal the origin of that, the man man in the tan jacket in that one.

Then the New York Times best-selling thriller, It Devours, in which we really try to get to the bottom of a certain smiling god.

Finally, my favorite, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home.

Part Pirate Adventure, Part Haunted House, all Faceless Old Woman.

Find the three novels and four script books wherever you get books.

Okay,

enjoy this episode of a podcast.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official Wocast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday season two official wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

There's nothing under your bed.

Nothing in your closet.

Nothing waiting in the hall.

You are surrounded by nothing.

You cannot escape it.

Welcome to Night Vale.

I have received several urgent Facebook messages and Twitter DMs from a vague yet menacing government agency asking me to deliver the following message.

Briny

Depths

They said that there was nothing secret or important about the message, and it was certainly not related to any ongoing deep undercover operations that they can only communicate with using code words subtly buried in local radio broadcasts.

It wasn't anything crazy like that.

They just think it would be cool to hear me say,

Briny Depths.

Do your deepest, smoothest voice, they said.

Really sell it.

Really give it your all.

It would make us so happy.

Please, it's our birthday.

Oh, did we not mention it's totally our birthday.

All right, in your best voice, say it.

Briny

depths.

Well, there you go, vague yet menacing government agency.

Happy birthday!

The faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home and Hiram McDaniels, who is literally a five-headed dragon, both former candidates for the mayoral role now filled by Dana Cardinal, were seen muttering together in a booth at the Moonlight All-Night Diner.

Or Hiram was seen.

No one has ever actually seen the faceless old woman, but we all know that she is there.

When reached for comment by a nosy person sitting in the booth next to them, Hiram explained that they were just chatting and were not involved in any sort of plans or schemes at all.

He then held a conversation with himself about this matter, each head providing a different viewpoint in five different voices, the gist of which was that no, they were not planning anything.

Definitely not.

The faceless old woman scratched with what seemed to be a long, jagged fingernail into the sole of my shoe this morning.

That's ludicrous, she suggested, with a flickering shadow in the corner of my eye as I walked to work.

We would never,

she whispered from behind me, just

now.

Moving on, another installment of what I imagine is our listener's favorite segment, cooking stuff with Earl Harlan.

As the name implies, we have my childhood friend and current sous chef at Night Vale's hottest restaurant, Tourniquet, with us here in the studio.

Earl?

That's me, yes.

Well, Earl, just a few months ago, you showed us how to cook tiramisu, and that was delightful.

Oh, please don't cook that recipe.

It is extraordinarily poisonous.

Oh, Earl, you're very funny.

It will kill you, Cecil.

It is actually poisonous.

Don't cook that.

So,

tell our listeners, and me, of course, what you've been up to since we last spoke.

Well, mostly,

I've been working,

mostly living.

I've been spending time with my son,

trying to remember when I had a son.

I've been trying to understand the flow of my life and how I don't remember going from being 19 to the middle-aged adult I am now.

I was 19 for so long.

Well, sure, that sounds like fun.

I'll tell you, lately I've been getting into crosswords.

Just can't stop doing them.

Doesn't even feel like it's me doing them, like it's someone else compelling me to do them.

Sometimes I pick up a crossword I've never seen before, only to find it's been completely filled in with my own handwriting.

Ha!

Well, I'm glad we've both been up to such fun things.

Cecil,

think.

What year were you born?

So, what are we cooking up today, Earl?

Oh, okay.

Well,

today we are making pulled pork.

Ooh, that sounds yummy.

It is.

And pulled pork could not be simpler to make.

To start off with,

you will need to kill a pig.

You will need to find a living pig and kill that pig.

You will probably need to hold down the pig.

The pig will struggle.

There will be blood and pain.

Some of that pain will be physical.

The pig will want to live, but you will need to make it die.

That pig will need to die.

Sure.

Then, you will need to dismember.

the pig.

The pig will be a whole being, but you will not be able to eat it like that.

So, you will need to take it apart.

There will be knives and hacking.

The skin will have to go.

Peel back that skin and take the muscles and subcutaneous fat, which is the part you will consume.

Leave the bones and skin behind to rot.

Mmm.

Then

you slow cook it with some vinegar, some sugar, and some chili.

Put it on on a bun, and there you go, pulled pork.

Oh, I just can't wait to try that.

It seems so easy.

I'll just use one of the pigs I have at home.

I'm sorry if I seem down at all, Cecil.

I've been going through a lot.

Oh, well, I understand.

This has been a difficult time for me, too.

Carlos is away, and we talk regularly, but it's not the same as the physical presence of someone you love, you know?

I know.

I know.

But that's what we do when we have someone special enough to merit special effort.

I'm proud of you for working through this.

And I'm proud of you for dealing with how weird time is.

Oh, and for raising a son.

Somehow.

What is your son's name?

I uh...

I wish I knew.

Well,

it's been great catching up.

We'll see you again soon, Earl.

I received another flurry of messages from a vague yet menacing government agency, saying that, well, thanks for saying those words for us.

That was great of you.

But it looks like maybe it didn't work.

What didn't work?

They rhetorically asked.

Not important,

they replied to themselves.

As we said, that was certainly not a code word for an undercover agent who apparently wasn't listening to the radio when they were supposed to be, which is, by the way, their only job, and their duty, and their life's mission to be listening to instructions from headquarters, so

no biggie.

But maybe

just do something as simple as listen to the radio at the time we we tell you to.

Anyway, none of that is important, the agency continued.

And there is no particular reason we're asking you,

but

could you say Briny Depths again?

It's for a friend's birthday.

It's also our friend's birthday.

We forgot to mention that.

Please say it again.

So,

okay,

here goes

Briny

Depths

Happy birthday to your friend.

I hope you enjoyed that, but I really can't keep interrupting my broadcast with this stuff.

Little League coach Betty Lucero is reporting that there are strange goings-on near the haunted baseball diamond her team uses for practices and league games.

No, no, no, no, I know it's haunted, she said.

I get that.

You don't have to explain that to me.

I'm saying that there is other weird stuff going on beside the usual ghosts.

She went on to describe anguished howls coming from a neighborhood nearby.

and a red glow at night that made her skin feel

loose and itchy when she looked directly at it.

She also said that the baseball diamond has started to smell of rotten eggs, which is a detriment to her team's performance.

As we spoke, an apparition of a gray-skinned young woman in a tattered dress appeared hovering on the baseline between second and third.

I may have yelped a little, maybe scrambled backwards a bit, but Coach Lucero laughed and said, oh, that's just Lucia, our third base coach.

She died in 1843.

Say hi, Lucia.

The young woman flickered out of view, then reappeared suddenly inches from my face, her pupilless eyes staring directly into mine, I responded in a professional and calm manner.

And Coach Lucero laughed for unrelated reasons, not anything to do with how I may have reacted, and said,

that's our Lucia.

She then went on to say that she had a bad feeling about the weird goings-on near the baseball field.

And she probably said some other things, but I was running away, so I didn't hear her super well.

Oh, listeners, this is exciting.

I received mail today.

I didn't think mail was still being delivered.

Not after what happened at the post office, but here it is.

An envelope addressed to one Cecil Palmer in neat handwriting with the address of the station right underneath.

If you want to send us any mail, since apparently that is a thing which exists and is working now, our address is.

Night Vale.

Please do send stuff in.

It's always nice to hear from fans.

But back to this envelope.

Maybe this is...

silly, but I waited to open it until I was on the air.

It seemed more fun if we could find out together what was inside.

I'm opening it now.

And here we go.

It's, oh,

huh.

It's a greeting card.

It says, thanks so much on the front, and it has a picture of a cat playing with a ball of yarn.

Well, that's just the cutest.

Although, I can't imagine why someone sent me this card.

I'm

I'm opening it.

Oh oh

oh, a photo fell out.

Oh dang it.

It fell behind the desk.

Um the inside of the card just has the words Thank you for what you did printed, and then it's signed Erica over and over in multiple handwritings.

Huh,

let me try to grab that photo.

I'm going to have to crawl under the desk.

While I do that, here's a word from our sponsors.

Today's broadcast is sponsored by Kobe Beef.

Kobe Beef.

The beef that makes you fresh.

All listeners.

I.

I got the photo, and it's.

It's a photo of me

at City Hall.

I'm fighting off a pack of antiques in front of the mayor's door, but...

That wasn't me.

Intern Hector did that last month.

He came back with that bite.

I don't remember ever leaving my desk when the antiques attacked our mayor.

What?

What is this photo?

It must be fake.

It doesn't look fake.

No, it must be fake, right?

Why would I not remember saving the mayor?

More on this later

as I face my fragile self and try to understand

my own

reality.

Okay,

now,

this is getting out of hand.

The Vegette Menacing government agency sent me a Snapchat and several anonymous asks on Tumblr saying that they were happy about me doing that whole broadcasting their secret code word thing before,

but that the message didn't seem to be getting through.

Or it's not a message that was poor phrasing on their part.

Sorry, they're just flustered talking to their favorite radio host.

Aww.

They meant to say that they haven't had the best birthday ever yet.

And neither has their friend.

Plus, they forgot to mention millions and millions of people have the same birthday as them.

Think of how many people have their birthday today and all of them, the agency is sure,

just want you to say that little thing again.

Just once more, in your smoothest, deepest voice.

They say that they've made it, so our station is currently broadcasting on every single radio frequency, so no one could possibly miss these special birthday greetings, and it will finally be the best birthday ever.

This is the last time.

Okay?

I'm doing it just once more.

Here I go.

And

really try to enjoy this because I am not doing it again.

Briny

depths.

Oh.

What's going on?

There's shouting coming from the break room.

It's it

sounds like a scuffle, and

there's also shouting coming from outside.

A lot of shouting.

A roar of voices.

The stomping feet of a crowd.

These birthday greetings were apparently very special.

I need to go see what this commotion is about.

I'll be back soon.

In the meantime, those with birthdays and those who were never born, I take you to the the weather.

Leave when the snow melts on the first clear night.

River runs deep, walk against it, walk to the southern cross peaks on the west edge of the bride lake at the dredge dead.

Ruts in the mud, then gravel at a paved one.

Left at the Amico, right to the station.

First train, wait, take the second headed east window, see pretty girl with the gold seat.

There's a hotel keep with your name on it.

Stay on it till the train hits the border in the morning.

Duck the conductor, leave through the back door.

Wait for my sign on the platform.

Smoke on the skyline.

Welcome to Delphi.

They'll come with questions.

Answer what you can.

Everybody knows knows the new oracles are in.

There probably ain't another way.

And I watch so amazed.

Go through every day.

Hoping I don't go away.

That I don't flow away.

Cold world, no blanket.

Uh, dark nights, no Batman.

What up?

I keep a nail in the hand and a hammer on the nightstand.

Locked in, no B-plan.

Keep their mouth shut, let them stay lost.

Radio up, radio off.

Even no guts, so it's so what?

Rather read up than trust my neck till the blood suck.

Full moon, handful of silver bullets.

High noon all day with these assholes.

How soon is too soon to pull it when I doubt they count their pace is at all.

So floppy took a bullet in the wax wind.

So high, but didn't get the chance to melt.

So tight, how when he came down, didn't even look scared.

Just eased on back into the well.

I watched so amazed, hope through every day.

Hoping I don't feel away.

That I don't go away

The woods are deep Fucking A, them woods are deep I was drinking that cheap shit

To fall asleep And really solely to hold my feet Cause these days I've been taking that heavy so lightly That I might float away completely In my psyche I'm the natural man in a Black Friday stampede LED, murder's free for sheep And the video screen World Star Wars

I'm feeling dirty but feeling so good I just smile at the thieves Fold up and not in the breath Cause I got a few mouths to go before I can see

Hoping I don't flow away.

That I don't float away.

You got a roll, but you got a main.

A lot of weight, but you gotta wait, throw a lot of eight, though.

And I'm not amazed or amazed by the raise in your payroll.

Air goes silence to offers.

High wild walkers, child actors.

Ain't vibing for your father, bigger father, utter off.

We had a time, you were a line, little fucker.

Saw it line from the dock to the Oscars.

And I'm reading reading like a Rorschach, hiding lines in my pantomime.

Allegory and a smirk, but my eyes won't take you.

My moves through that work, a non-verbal creep.

Where the OGs wheat, slide, slip, test, glide.

Connect like, catch and wreck like.

R-E-S P-I-R-A-S.

From the west side.

Never strong in the Midwest in my own nation.

Got a fan and we grew up in somewhere.

No subjugation.

With the wings in the chops, with the beans in the pot.

Like the seeds in the crop, do tree.

No kings cut the top.

Bet them off at the neck.

Better all dead.

Dead em all better than them.

Do right forever type shit.

There probably ain't another way.

And I watch so amazed, and float through every day.

Hoping I don't float away,

that I don't float away.

There probably ain't another way.

And I watch so amazed, and float through every day.

Hoping I don't float away,

that I don't float away.

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do.

But don't worry, Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask.

And every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's quince.com/slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash nightfail.

When you look into the shadows, do you ever feel something looking back?

If you're looking for your next great fiction podcast, something dark, immersive, and just a little unsettling, listen to The Void, the new series from Fable and Folly.

It's made for fans of horror, sci-fi, and seriously spooky stories.

In the town of Milton, the darkness isn't just in your head, it's in the woods.

They call it the void, a cursed expanse that surrounds the town and swallows anyone who dares to leave.

But when a strange old man shares a mysterious pamphlet that promises a path through the void, Sam and his friends set off on a journey that unravels everything that they thought they knew about their home.

The void is dark, atmospheric, and relentlessly tense, with cinematic sound design, a full voice cast, and a haunting musical score.

Think stranger things meet Super Eight, but in podcast form.

Search for the void wherever you get your podcasts and step carefully.

The woods are watching.

I'll tell you, that

was quite a scene.

I will tell you right now.

It seems that briny depths was in fact a code word

wish they had warned me about that for an undercover agent in the field.

Unfortunately, it seems that it was the code word for

every

secret agent in the field, the signal for all of them to do

every nefarious action that they had been planted years ago to perform.

All over town, people we thought of as friends and family revealed themselves to be carefully planted agents.

Adam Baer, weekday shift manager at the Ralphs, grabbed the discount soup display and carried it to an unmarked van that had been sitting in the parking lot as long as anyone could remember, and then drove wildly away.

Hundreds of bushes and trees leapt into action, revealing themselves to be suit and sunglass wearing agents in disguise, using clever costumes that fooled all of us for years, such as holding a handwritten sign that says, I am a tree.

Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, lit his refrigerator on fire.

But he said that wasn't because of any secret agent stuff.

He just wanted to do that.

Someone had suggested it to him once, although he could not remember who.

In fact, it seems that every single person in Night Vale was actually a secret agent waiting to be activated.

We had all been implanted with the exact same code phrase, which is the kind of sloppy organization that is just what our government is coming to.

Or whatever.

And such.

You know,

look.

Honestly,

my heart isn't in this reporting.

Blah, blah,

everyone we've ever known is secretly an agent.

But

here I am, listeners, secretly a hero.

Secret even from myself.

It was not Hector who saved Dana,

but me.

Me

acting without memory or agency.

What.

What is happening to me?

How do I not remember something so huge?

I.

I need to talk to Carlos.

Perhaps science can help me.

Science so rarely applies to the real world, but once in a while it provides a nice metaphor or turn of phrase that makes you think about real things differently.

I'm hoping Carlos can do that for me.

Now that everyone has been activated as a secret agent and did the one thing they were secretly supposed to do for years,

Everyone has just gone right back to doing what they had been doing before.

Everything is back to normal, except that we all know we are all secretly undercover planted agents here to spy on each other, and since we all know it, we are no longer secret agents, we are just ourselves, secretly.

Listen,

I know it's confusing, but I didn't invent logic.

Our extraterrestrial ancestors did.

Stay tuned next.

For all the air being sucked out of the room you're in, we're sorry, we're so sorry, but this is the only

way.

Good night.

Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Earl Harlan was Will Wheaton.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was The Bens by Doomtree from their just released album, All Hands.

Find out more about that album and their current tour at doomtree.net.

Comments, questions, email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool of you.

Today's Proverb: I let my haters be my motivators.

Mostly they tell me I suck and then I get sad.

This was a terrible idea.

Olivia loves a challenge.

It's why she lifts heavy weights

and likes complicated recipes.

But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia.

She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.

Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You were made to take the easy route.

We were made to easily package your trip.

Expedia, made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens?

Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightvale, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator, Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Find, here's the short version, random horror nine wherever you get your podcasts.

Boo.