60 - Water Failure

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official Woecast is already here.

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The Wednesday season 2 official Wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

See some evil,

hear some evil,

speak some evil.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Sorry to start the show off with such a minor issue, but the water here at the station is not working.

I was trying to make coffee.

I got out the filters, grabbed some whole beans from the larder, finely ground them using a hammer and hateful thoughts, and placed them one ground at a time into the coffee machine but when I went to fill the carafe there was no water.

I turned the faucet handle and just heard a faint hiss.

45 minutes worth of coffee preparation for nothing.

This also means the toilets aren't working.

Fortunately, there's a huge ravine right next door to the station, so that's that taken care of.

Honestly, I

probably shouldn't lead off my show with a personal complaint about how there's no water instead of an important news story like how there are suddenly two sons instead of one, but I can't help it.

I just get all worked up about a lack of coffee.

It's fine.

I'll be

fine.

But yeah,

there are definitely two suns now and people are screaming in the streets.

It's pretty apocalyptic out there with buildings being burned down and cars wrecking into fire hydrants and people running in all directions, mouths agape, clutching their heads.

So stay inside.

and avoid thinking too hard about the capriciousness of our only home, the indifferent universe.

Let's have a look now at sports.

Former Nightvale High School quarterback Michael Sandero had a fantastic freshman season at the University of Michigan.

He won the Heisman Trophy and his team made it to the national championship game.

Unfortunately, they lost in overtime to

Michigan.

It was the first time in college football history that a team had to play against itself in the title game.

Down by three points in overtime, Sandero threw a late interception, thus sealing his team's loss.

Sitting dejected on the bench, their heads hung low and shoulders sagging under the weight of regret, Sandero and his teammates could only watch as the other Sandero and his teammates celebrated their victory over themselves.

The winning Michigan team celebrated on the field until late into the night, everyone else having long since gone home and the lights turned out.

Until a flock of starlings covered their cheering, dancing bodies and carried them all into the sky.

Speaking through a Russian translator, the losing Sanderos said,

I do not know where I am.

Where is Michigan?

I am so confused right now.

Who are you?

Who are you?

He was staring suspiciously at his own hands and crying.

Better luck next year, Michael.

You can do it.

Many listeners have been wondering if I'll be taking time off work to go visit Carlos in his desert otherworld.

Well, the answer is

maybe

I certainly would like to.

I miss him so much, but first, Carlos has to find the doorway between our worlds.

Also,

even trickier, I have to get vacation days approved by our station

which is not easy.

I filled out the special form to request days off,

which includes writing a 2,500-word description of what I will be doing with my time away from work.

It had to be exactly 2,500 words.

And I'm not sure if hyphenated words count as one

or two.

Anyway, I submitted my form last Wednesday by going to station management's office door, genuflecting, and reciting the pledge of employee fealty, which is several minutes long.

I was actually blocking the only path to the kitchen, so by the time I finished, there was a long line of co-workers waiting on me.

All of them at some point have gone through this same emotionally devastating process when they wanted to visit a new nephew or go on a honeymoon or something, so they were understanding.

But I chose to do this around noon, so they were also mostly hungry and frustrated.

Once I finished the pledge, I dropped the form into the drop box,

which then glowed red and puffed out dark smoke.

When I got back to my desk area, all of my belongings were gone, and there was just an open pit, a hole that seemed to go on into eternity, and knowing management, it likely does.

So the request was definitely received, and we'll see what they come back with.

Oh!

Oh dear.

Station management sounds upset.

I don't know if it's because I'm talking about them on the air or if they're just now finding out that the toilets aren't working.

Either way,

let's move on.

Speaking of the water,

all of the taps taps in our building are blowing a cool, dry air that smells of

toasted walnuts, maybe.

Or no!

No!

Like French toast.

Either way,

it's pleasant.

We've tried to turn off the faucets, but the handles just spin loosely and have seemingly no effect on the smell.

We tried calling the plumber, but they just screamed something about there being four sons.

Four

sons!

They howled into the phone before muttering for a while about nothing being as it seems.

We've been duped by God, all is lost, blah blah, something, something living nightmares.

So, I guess we're going to have to contact the water department directly about this issue.

Oh,

also,

I should have mentioned earlier, the two suns have now doubled to four suns.

There are now four suns in the sky.

So, that's awful.

But listen, better than no sun, right?

Man, days with no sun are just the worst.

You know what's not the worst?

The sponsor of today's show.

Our program is brought to you today by Chevrolet and their new line of all-electric vehicles.

These vehicles are made entirely of electricity.

You already own one.

There's a Chevrolet inside your home's wiring this very moment.

Your microwave, your television.

You will have to harness that power and learn to turn pure electricity into matter, and then that matter into an operational vehicle, and then figure out how to operate that vehicle.

But it's all there

right now

in

your home.

In fact,

since you already have the car,

don't you think you should have paid for it?

Don't you think you owe Chevrolet for the car you have?

That's how the world works.

There are no free cars, pal.

Nope.

Please send forty-five thousand dollars to Chevrolet

right now.

Or return the vehicle.

You either pay the money or return the car.

One or the other.

That's only fair, right?

Chevrolet.

We're trying to be reasonable here.

Local television station Channel 6 has come under fire recently for their decision to start broadcasting into viewers' homes whether viewers want to watch Channel 6 or not.

Many residents have written to their government representatives saying it must violate some law for a television news station to broadcast straight into people's homes without the residents even turning on their televisions.

It must be a violation of privacy laws, right?

These letters often read.

Surely the government must step in to stop this.

The letters usually conclude.

We hear your concerns, but the government cannot stop this, the reply always says.

The local television news station is controlled and managed by the government.

And it is wonderful to be able to reach everyone in town at every point of the day with important news.

The letter always continues.

Like, let's say there's a tornado.

A rare event here in the desert, to be sure, but let's just say,

the letter always supposes.

How would you know how to protect yourself from such a danger if there were no government-controlled television station that could turn on in your home and shout terse esoteric orders in a foreign language, let's say Russian.

It doesn't have to be Russian, as slow-motion footage of salamanders running out of a rotting log plays.

How would you know?

The letter challenges.

You

wouldn't,

the letter declares.

Maybe it's not an emergency.

The letter concedes.

Maybe we just have something really exciting to tell you.

Maybe we got a new stand mixer and we want you to see it.

Or maybe we're feeling

sad

and we just want to read you some poems we wrote.

So, as you can see, the trustworthy local television news station must retain its powers.

The letter always

concludes.

These powers help us

care for you,

citizen.

The letter is always signed, Nightvale City Council.

Those words are written in script dozens of times on top of itself.

as if every member of the City Council signed it in a single moment in a single space without regard for physics or linear time.

Listeners,

the unrelenting smell coming from the faucets is

too

much.

Everyone in the office is salivating because of the delicious stench of French toast.

It's impossible to work in this environment and, oh, also because of the whole ravine thing.

I'm calling the water department right now.

This is ridiculous.

Plus, we're all getting

woozy and starting to lose our senses of sight, touch, and longing.

Hello, and welcome to the city of Night Vale Department of Water Customer Service Line.

Pada Continuar en Español O prima el uno pada continuar en español dosve o prima el uno dospes.

To give praise to the mighty glow cloud,

press 3.

To continue in English, press 4.

There we go.

If you are Illuminati, press thank you.

Do you have questions about or want to pay your bill?

Press 1.

Are you changing address?

Press 2.

Do you no longer believe in the existence of water?

Press 3.

Are you confused as to the difference between water and sugary sodas?

Press 4.

Do you like cabbage?

Press 5.

Would you like to report a problem with your service?

Press 6.

If you are experiencing an emergency, please hang up and scream, Help!

Police, into any one of the many hidden monitoring devices in your home.

If you're not sure where the hidden devices in your home are, try calling for help into a doorknob, any large vases, a ceiling fan, any random microphone sticking out of your wall that you don't recognize, or an elderly pet.

If you undervalue your own life and the lives of others so much that you feel this could not possibly be an emergency, press the not an emergency button.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a problem with your service.

If you have low or no water pressure, press 1.

If you have a leak, press 2.

If you tried calling once before for emergency help only to find yourself serving a prison sentence for misuse of emergency services and now you are calling to argue semantics with a representative about our lack of definition of what constitutes an emergency, press 3.

If your water has a strange color or odor, press 4.

That could be.

If something that is clearly not water and smells like a tasty breakfast food is hissing out out of your faucets and causing you to stand on your chair like there's a mouse in the room, even though there's really no escape from what very well may be a poisonous gas of some sort, and honestly, you can't fathom why you jumped onto this chair at all, but it somehow makes you feel better, press five.

That's it.

If you are afraid of knives,

please wait while we transfer you to a customer service representative.

Oh, oh dear.

Oh, I can't.

I can't wait much longer.

I'm feeling

lightheaded.

Please

hurry.

Please.

Please

hurt.

We are experiencing a heavier-than-usual call volume.

Current wait time to speak to a service representative is four minutes.

Sadly, a lot can go wrong in four

minutes.

But that's just how it is.

Thank you for your patience.

You know there are super volcanoes that to explode any day now, right?

Existence is so incomprehensibly fragile and cruel.

Please continue to hold.

When I was young,

my bones were strong.

But now they've been holding me up

for far too long.

Back in my youth,

my eye are unwell

Well

breaking waves, but now the water still

Just like a mine,

just like a mine

Just like a mine,

just like a mine

When I was young,

my lungs were strong.

Now they've grown weak after breathing a small too long.

Now I've grown old

and I know the truth

All the life live for lovers

is all I've lived for you.

Just like mine,

just like mine.

Just like mine,

just like mine.

We are here to my child to hear the song of birds, to hear the form of that.

It's a draw.

The chambers resonate.

The echoes disappear.

The slow beat of a love has finally stopped.

Just like my,

just like my

heart.

Just like my,

just like my heart

are

just like mine,

just like my heart

are

just like mine,

just like my

heart

are

my heart

are

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Welcome to Only Murders in the Building, the official podcast.

Join me, Michael Cyril Creighton, as we go behind the scenes with some of the amazing actors, writers, and crew from season five.

The audience should never stop suspecting anything.

How can you not be funny crawling around on a coffin?

Catch Only Murders in the Building official podcast.

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Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Terms apply.

Hello.

This is Lacey with the Department of Water.

Are you still on the line?

Hello?

Thank you for contacting the Department of Water.

I'm sorry about the interruption of your service.

What is...

What is happening?

An intense period of multiple suns this afternoon affected our communication system.

In the aftermath, it looks like our computers shut off your water and started releasing carbon monoxide into your pipes.

That should only happen to customers who are more than 60 days behind on payments, and your account appears to be fully paid, so we apologize for the error.

Your water has been turned back on.

Please open all windows to allow the punitive gases to dissipate.

Why does it smell like French toast?

I bet you're wondering why our carbon monoxide smells like French toast.

Yeah.

It's because French toast is pleasant, and carbon monoxide is not.

We here at the Department of Water think, why not make unenjoyable things just a bit more enjoyable?

Well, that's very thoughtful.

It is very thoughtful.

I'm very thoughtful.

Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Mm.

No.

Okay, thank you.

Then goodbye, Mr.

Palmer.

Oh, thank you.

Actually, I'm sorry, but I just have to say something.

It's kind of unprofessional, I know.

But I just wanted to say that I know who you are.

And thank you.

Aw, well, thank you.

I love hearing from fans, and I'm glad you like the radio show.

Keep listening.

What?

No.

Not because you're on the radio.

You're not the only one who cares about her, you know.

I'm sorry, her?

I don't know who you're talking about.

Fine.

Don't take a compliment.

Not everyone's as thoughtful as me.

Bye.

Okay,

uh, goodbye.

Listeners,

I have brought you a sub-par show today.

I failed to report on the multiple suns that cluttered our sky and sent waves of destructive panic throughout our community because I was too consumed with my own personal issues.

I apologize for this.

And for what it's worth, some vigilantes with hunting rifles shot the extra suns down so we're back to having just one sun.

Although the one remaining sun is currently setting in the north.

So we'll see how that goes.

Our town is no longer consumed by weak and terrified humans rioting in the streets.

Our town has returned to its normal state of weak and terrified humans huddling quietly at home.

I've been so preoccupied with not just the water outage, but also getting vacation time so I can see Carlos again that I haven't been 100% focused on my duties as your community radio host.

For this,

I am sorry.

I will try harder.

I will report better.

I will be the radio host you have counted on for...

Um...

Well, for however long it's been.

Oh.

How long has it been?

Time, right?

Oh, you're still on the line.

Yep.

Thanks again.

Thanks for what?

Oh, never mind, jerk.

Stay tuned next for time moving faster, faster than it seems, faster and faster until it disintegrates into stardust.

Wow, that actually sounds fun.

Good night, Lazy.

And good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voices of the automated phone line were Erica Livingston and Christopher Lohr.

The voice of Lacey was Flor de Lise Perez.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's Hold Music was Just Like My Heart by Faultlines.

Find out more at wearefaultlines.com.

Comments, questions, email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool of you.

Today's proverb: the reason we say bless you after someone sneezes is because we know they will die someday.

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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription and if you don't Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.