WDWDY #40: The Day Before Yesterday

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

we're here to ask the only question that matters we'll try and say it at the same time max what did you do yesterday

what did you do yesterday that's it all we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday nothing more day before yesterday max nope the greatest and most interesting day of your life unless it was yesterday we don't want to know about it i'm max rushton and i'm david o'daugherty welcome to what did you do yesterday

hello and welcome to Midweek Mayhem from the people that bring you what did you do yesterday, the world's leading podcast.

I'm Max Rushton and he is David O'Doherty.

Welcome David.

Welcome back to Australia.

Thanks so much.

Max, we are as far apart as geographically possible.

Although we're obviously in the same room metaphorically while we do this.

Yeah.

You're back.

I'm back and it's my yesterday.

People will be excited to hear.

It's not the flight.

I mean, I can, and perhaps we'll give you some highlights from the flight when we get to my yesterday.

Although we have had some criticism on that front.

It's been a day or two.

I think it's fair to say.

But we begin, David, some very serious feedback.

And a column in the Sydney Morning Herald, as I return to Australia, written by Richard Glover, who I presume is very much, you know, he's like Richard Little John.

I don't know.

He says, quote, the Hills Hoist is a New Zealand invention.

That's what they said on a recent episode of a favourite podcast of mine.

What did you do yesterday?

Naturally, I wanted to send a sternly worded email.

Not theirs.

Ours.

There was no excuse for the error.

One of the presenters is Max Rushton.

He's English, but lives in Melbourne.

The other is David O'Doherty.

He's Irish, but is a regular at the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

Their guest was the wonderful Sarah Pascoe, English, but married to an Australian and mother to two half-Australian children.

Rushton clearly should have his visa revoked.

No punishment is too severe.

O'Doherty needs to make a full apology, and Pasco, having the sensible choice of a handsome Australian husband, needs to better study the deep achievements of culture from which he hails.

This is your fault, David.

I'm not, we win as a team, we lose as a team, but the bus is there, and I'm throwing you under it.

Oh, my.

So this is regarding the Hills Hoist, which is the classic, I would say, 70s washing line, which is like an upside-down umbrella that the stuff spins around on.

Look, I know that there is a lot of aggro between new zealand australia as regards things like pavlova as discussed crowded house farlap the racehorse etc

sheep yeah rugby exactly and

i unnecessarily threw into that mix the hills hoist a 100

i now admit i apologize to our australian listeners yes the hills hoist as it's known is a 100 australian invention but can you believe these hacks are out to get us that's how big we've become honestly i've never got feedback like this before on my socials typified by even kiwis writing in to tell me that i'm wrong from andrew brown sorry deity i think the aussies can claim that one however we did invent Pavlova, the electric fence, jet boats, and the bungee jump.

So fair play to New Zealand for those things.

Again,

I am sorry.

And we just hope that through this podcast, Australia and New Zealand will finally get along and the war will end.

That's what I say.

Now, we have had some feedback, also disappointing feedback on the Bubbins episode.

Cornelius says, Great episode that strays quite far into the not yesterday territory.

He says, brackets, the table.

And it's true, the table was not built yesterday.

Vanessa says, disappointing, TBH.

If your interest says you're not interested in the most important day of a guest's life, unless it was yesterday, and you've good naturedly stopped previous guests' mid-flow, why was such a large proportion spent listening to Mike Bubbins talking about events long past?

Are we letting standards slip?

David, we have to be careful here.

Yes, all I can say to Vanessa and the hordes of other people furious at Fury Bubbins' episode is that you're dealing with a man who puts mascara in his moustache, okay?

And if I was to break down his character to two essential points number one he's made his own table and number two

painkillers have no effect on him i feel as we move through the episode they were the two key things that opened doors to who is the real mike bubbins i'm sorry we went too deep into the table i think that was my curiosity as to how a yew tree in the garden ends up becoming a dining table But yeah, we got to the root of it in the end.

Be less curious, David.

That's what we're trying to tell people.

And he says, on the subject of the mascara, great episode.

But neither of you had any questions for Mike when he said he put mascara on his moustache.

He just accepted it like it's the most normal thing in the world.

I mean, what?

The moustache actually got quite a lot of feedback.

Fresh and Minty said, putting in a request for Michael Sheen on the more Welsh Guests Front, please, regarding moustache success.

I think it's all down to the size of the upper lip.

You need at least an inch from bottom of nose to top of mouth to carry off a moustache see mike wozniak yeah wozniak's on the list isn't he we want to get wozniak so we can ask him i always think of former british prime minister john major he always looked like he should have had a moustache i do see as in he had a big old bottom of the nose to top of the lip And it's the only time I think ever, whenever I see him, I'm like, mate, you missed a chance there.

Yeah, the gaping chasm from nose to top lip of John Major.

It could have been filled with something hursuit.

It really would have changed his vibe.

A big old handlebar moustache.

Imagine him talking about whatever, the ERM while rocking a serious YMCA look.

Jamie makes a very good point.

to say, not my Jamie, but Jamie B.

I must counter the Everton moustache accusation.

I felt this at the time, actually.

Everton has a heritage of strong moustaches.

I'll hear no other opinion on this.

For proof, see John Barton, Derek Mountfield, of course, Neville Southall, all from the 80s.

Let's ignore Peter Beagre in the 90s.

I'm glad to see we're back on track now with Kier and Dewsbury-Hall.

It is true they had some great 80s moustaches.

We apologise to the people of Australia, to the people who don't want to hear anything from before yesterday, and to the Everton midfield and defence.

And up front, if we include, I think Graham Sharp had a good one for a bit, of the 80s.

They all have our sincere apologies, and we must get our standards back on track.

Kevin Radcliffe, he had a very weak, sort of 11-aside moustache, 11 hairs on each side.

On the subject of the episode, we recorded the day of the live show.

James says, Not sure what Jamie is on about.

More of that smooth clarinet, please.

The combination, says Chelsea, of that beautiful performance and Jamie's response is just phenomenal.

Excitingly, for the tape, Jamie is currently trying to put down two children to sleep.

May I just point out

the latest WhatsApp is, this this is not going well.

Yes, Mamas Takila says, I'm not sure which top my favorite moment for this app.

Max describing the clarinet he's using for the live show as a gateway clarinet.

Two grown men having a massive miscommunication about squats, resulting in Max doing several demos for DOD or the musical melody meltdown at the end of the episode.

Well done, gents.

And 113822456 says, Do you know what really works over an audio format?

Someone demonstrating a squat.

Yeah, sorry about that.

For me, Max, my big question as regards, so Jamie's got in there with, this is not going well.

If we follow the idea from a few weeks ago of her successive texts being like poetry, will she go with a rhyme in line two?

This is not going well.

I think you need to go to hell.

You know what I mean?

We'll see.

We'll see.

She She only talks to me in haiku now.

It takes forever.

Rona says, hi, David, Max, and Miles Bar.

Your discussion about meat-related fizzy drinks sparked a memory of having seen this particular nightmare below.

Beef fizz.

There's a lot.

There's a lot wrong with this recipe.

The most disturbing thing is the thought of small discs of beef fat congealing on the ice cubes.

Would have been great to have served this as an interval refreshment at the Hackney Empire.

Love the show.

Never tire of replaying all episodes.

Never skip the opening music dialogue.

Thanks for all the entertainment.

Everything is showbiz.

This is from a cookbook that says beef fizz.

Two cans condensed beef broth.

One cup chilled ginger ale.

Two tablespoons of lemon juice.

Combine ingredients and pour over ice in glasses.

Beef fizz.

Tell you that lemon juice is doing a lot of heavy lifting, isn't it?

Holy moly.

Please, can we have a cocktail party, David, and serve beef fizz?

Wow, the new James Bond character has really gone off the rails.

Beef Fizz, please.

It would have changed the whole of 007's career, wouldn't it?

If he'd asked for a beef fizz.

Kate says, Hi, Max, D-O-D, and Embarrass, first-time emailer here.

I've never written to a podcast before, as it seems a little unhinged to respond to what is essentially the voices in my head.

But there has finally been something I cannot let stand.

In the last two intros, Max has mentioned that no one listens to the theme tune.

The theme tune to what did you do yesterday is one of the very few that I do not skip past.

Instead I lip-sync along with Max and David doing both parts until they try and fail to say what did you do yesterday together.

It makes me laugh every time.

Unlike the they're just normal countries theme which I skip in a panic in case I hear too much of the demon voice.

Also the pod has had a surprisingly strong influence on me most apparent when sending my sisters a weekly voice note.

This 10 minutes of waffle and news has turned into a full hour detailing every minute with extra interruptions to add more extraneous details.

much like many listeners to what did you do yesterday my sisters use them to go to sleep love the pod and in it for life wow imagine a one hour voice message you press play and you just after like a minute the blue line across has barely moved i don't know how i'd feel about that no and if that if we're responsible for that are we now responsible for you know those round robin family letters you know where the wilson pickets bad example of a family but the wilson pickets say you know and young James passed his first solid stool this year in August, and we were all delighted.

Have we become that?

Especially because the end of it is,

and six months ago, I saw an ex-international footballer and a comedian several days apart in Teddington.

Can you guess who they were?

Don't you want that, Max?

Cooper loves that shoe too.

Oh, now he's into Cooper's food.

Wow, he is loving it.

What do you feed Cooper?

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Speaking of our influence on people, Aubrey writes, Greetings, DOD, Generic Man 3 and Mars Bar.

My name is Aubrey and I currently write to you from the States, specifically Chicago.

I've been an avid listener to the pod, and like many others who listen to this podcast, I often find myself in public places, specifically on my bicycle to and from work, bursting bursting out with laughter leaving others cautiously observing me thinking i may be having an episode of some kind whether it be a mention of a boc spending time pondering what insane person taught max how to create a quiz or my new favourite symptom of the pod hearing whalon jennings voice in my head as i make decisions both good and bad this podcast has put a bright light in mine and many others days having said that i write to you today to thank david funny enough for having his show in edinburgh this year and here's why my wife is english although she's lived in the u.s

we've been together since university and now have two small children.

Nowadays, with everything going bonkers over here, we've contemplated a move across the Atlantic.

After hearing DOD's adventures while in Edinburgh and after researching the city and also finding out Brunsfield Lynx is not made up, but a real place I could do chip and putt at a moment's notice, possibly the most important finding.

I am fully into planning a move.

It's been amazing to picture a change of pace with a new group of neighbours and a new place to make memories with the kids.

As much as I enjoyed the three of you, I appreciate you taking the show to Scotland this year, David.

It's opened up my eyes to a city of culture culture and fun, one that I hope to be living in with the next 12 months.

I would like to point out that a move to Scotland was never on the cards for my wife or me, but now with it a possibility, it yet again proves this podcast is at the center of the known universe.

As always, everything is showbiz, Aubrey.

Holy shit.

That's incredible.

That is people changing their existences.

Because of you rolling around a field letting out farts.

Yes, but it might also be because Trump, who possibly listens listens to the podcast, also has Waylon Jennings' voice in his head.

And Waylon's like, well, looks like crime at Chicago is too high, so we're going to have to send in the National Guard.

Imagine the vast emigration, the great emigration, as it will be known.

Part sparked by, you know, because I remember from geography, there are push and pull factors.

Push factor, Donald Trump.

Pull factor, David O'Darty.

There we are.

The exodus of people from Chicago to Edinburgh.

Let me just make one thing clear.

I believe there's a sign on the Brunsfield links, which I think it's shut from something like November to February or March.

Like it reopens again gloriously.

I guess it's too muddy in that period.

So just if you're moving there, primarily for the pitch and putt, just beware of that.

I'm sure there's other courses that stay open the whole year round.

Sure.

But pitch and putt is definitely the main reason to move a family of four anywhere, isn't it?

We've got work here.

Nah, but my short game is absolutely sensational.

Before every uh, they're just more countries.

Trevor Holland says, This is on the subject of the pod being the center of the known universe.

Dearest gentlemen, I hope this email finds you well.

To further the study into the current working theory that what did you do yesterday inhabits the epicenter of the known universe, I'd like to share with you an event that came to pass this very day.

As I sat on the toilet this morning, approximately 9:45 GMT, laying an underwhelming niche, even sounds horrible to say, but there we are.

And listening to Mike Bubbins yesterday, I started to hum the theme tune to Quantum Leap.

It should be noted that I haven't thought about this iconic piece of music in nearly three decades.

Mere moments later, Mr.

Bubbins began to discuss Mike Post, notably his work in composing the very same ditty I was currently humming.

What had started as a laborious niche ended with a flourish that can only be described as vigorously sudden and comprehensive.

I believe this quantum ripple is the strongest evidence yet to support the theory.

Yours in showbiz, Trevor Holland.

Shit.

Like it did.

My one regret with that podcast, because I listened back to it, is so Mike Post flies over in his Gulfstream private jet

to hang out with Mike Bubbins.

They play a game of golf.

They get a Chinese takeaway, which is

a lovely little detail.

And then Bubbins just throws in this line.

He said, and I took him for a drink in my bar now I'm pretty sure Bubbins has a bar he does yeah he does in his shed yeah in his shed he's built a bar yeah presumably I have a tree cut down in his garden yeah we didn't go there that's my one regret I know that

again we're breaking the cosmic rules of the podcast but I want just one or two lines about I don't have a bar do you have a bar well no this shed I would imagine functions as your bar but yeah but it doesn't have a bar bar, like, it doesn't have anything that would constitute a bar, i.e., a bar

and a barman and booze and optics.

No, I would be against having a bar in my own house.

Sure.

Because I'd just have one.

Especially if there was a man, I could just say, pint of the usual.

Yeah.

Bit quiet tonight, isn't it?

I'm, yeah, you're the only one in again, Max.

So you think Bubbins has all of this?

You think Bubbins has like full bar staff in his bar?

He has the regulars who commit.

Time now, please, gentlemen.

This is a nice pub, not a night club.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

he said all of that and like a couple of the car scales are turned around they're not on and you know there's an advert in the toilet in the urinal for scooter man and

that last sounds like a really good idea that no one's ever going to use what scooter man scooter man was if you were drunk and you'd driven you could ring up a man who would scooter like electric scooter to your car chuck the scooter in the boot chuck you in the back and drive your car home and so your car would be home and scooter man would have got you there and every time I took a wee, I thought, that sounds like a really good idea.

And yet I've never met anybody who has ever used Scooter Man.

But maybe it still exists.

I don't know.

Yeah, it seems like a good idea.

I mean, I'll invest.

Okay.

100 grand.

All of our money, all of the money we make from this podcast, all the £6 million we make per month will go on Scooterman.

Mike says, dear DOD, Max and producer Miles Barr, despite not being a football fan or even knowing who Max Rushton was prior to listening to What Did You Do Yesterday, I'm delighted to inform you that I'm now the proud owner of the signed Max Rushton 2023 to 2024 Popsy Wafer Gold card number 41 of 50, as mentioned on the Sarah Pasco episode.

I bought it on eBay from none other than Gavin Fitness.

A steal at just £8.64.

Unfortunately, the postage from Shanghai was an additional £8.75 and the package took 10 days to arrive, but good old Gavin Fitness was good on his words and it arrived in pristine condition.

However, I sense that Gavin Fitness didn't feel entirely comfortable charging me a total of £17.39 for a single Max Rushdon card because he threw in a couple of free cards to sweeten the deal.

An unsigned Topps 2324 Chrome, Newcastle United Kier, and Trippia, and an unsigned 2324 Tops Chrome AC Milan, Ruben Loftus Cheek.

I have no idea who these people are.

And overall, I'm fairly non-plused by my purchase.

But I'm happy to have helped maintain the buoyant secondary market for football trading cards.

Everything is showbiz, Mike.

Thank you, Mike.

Thank you for buying a gold one of me for eight pounds.

I believe we did conclude on an earlier podcast that Gavin Fitness is one of your alter egos.

So the question is: why you threw in Ruben Loftus Cheek and Kira Trump?

To put them off the scent, David, to put them off the scent.

Honestly, Jamie's furious when I fly to Shanghai just because I've made 17 pounds.

I say, look, I'm speculating to accumulate, Jamie.

And she's like,

I'm not so sure.

When do you have time to fly to Shanghai?

I say, I can't.

I've got to go.

I'm Gavin Fitness.

And then I.

We could do trading cards for this podcast.

Oh, yeah.

Good idea.

It could be the three main ones are us, but then there's the rarer, the Helencopter.

You want the gold Helencopter card, ideally.

That's

worth it.

And also, you know, like the guy that runs that cafe that.

told me he was in an office.

That would be a rare card, wouldn't it?

All those people that the locksmith who never said thank you for me paying him, despite the fact he didn't didn't do anything,

$28.

I've got a locksmith, yes.

Libby says, hi, Max, DOD, Mars Bar.

Recently, I had to attend the parents' evening for my permanently mortified 14-year-old daughter, whose one instruction was don't embarrass me in front of my teachers.

All was going well until I met the geography tutor who complimented her excellent map knowledge.

I knew this was because she regularly plays your country's guessing game, or Worldal, as she calls it.

However, and there is a thing Worldal that you can play, you get the outline of a country, and you guess what it is.

However, at that moment, the game's name escaped me.

Only remembering it was a game about countries.

I confidently replied, That's because at home we play a lot of Cuntrell.

I mean, Cuntrell.

Oh, no, Cuntrell.

The teacher went silent.

My daughter went beetroot.

My husband now has to do all the school-based events.

Love the pod, and both of you, Stay generic Max from Libby.

Thank you, Libby.

Stay generic.

Oh, let's play.

They're just normal countries.

I

She's not sounding any better, the voiceover woman.

Dear Max David Amarsba, I write to you from the bath full of water.

Thanks for clarifying.

As I soak upon returning from London, having seen the live What Did You Do Yesterday?

Yesterday, I lowered myself into said bath in a similar manner to David, which feels like some sort of kinship to me, says Ruth.

Thank you.

My yesterday included a day off work which began with an Indian head massage before witnessing a rapidly escalating argument between two people involved in a fender bender on the way to the station.

Wonder how that ended.

Travelling via train from Cardiff to London and navigating torrential rain and tube strikes before finally making it to what did you do yesterday live.

What a show!

From the hilarious technical issues, fab guest and strangely moving rendition of Dancing in the Moonlight.

Not to mention all the different versions of that and other songs in Building the World Yesterday, playing before the show and during the interval.

We commend you as we had a fucking great night, and we hope there's more to come.

While I'm at it, I'd like to try the Vatican City as my guests in their just normal countries.

Wow.

The theme song haunts me daily and always makes me laugh.

I hope you enjoyed the live show as much as we did, and hope to see you on the road in the future.

In it for life, and everything is showbiz, Ruth.

So, Mars Barr, the Vatican City.

Pope Leo has been tweeting about it a lot.

Yeah.

He hassles me from the pontiff at pontiff Twitter account whenever I make a mistake.

So we know he's at least one, but I guess he's told some of the cardinals to listen to it as well.

And that's true.

Whatever ill pappy says, I guess, yeah, everyone just does it.

He He sent me a video.

Have you seen that TikTok video he did of him swinging around on a Hills hoist with his buffeting cloak or whatever it's the official terminology for that is?

Yeah, he was singing a whale of a time.

Land down under as he swung around.

Would you like, would you like, it isn't yesterday, but would you like some flight highlights?

This is the difficulty.

So, listeners, Max's been back now for 48 hours.

We really want to know about the trip back.

I do know that there was a four-hour delay, which would have turned the 19 hours into then the full day, let's say.

Can we just have some potted highlights of, and I realize that listeners are going to be furious, but Max, what did you do the day before yesterday?

Okay, so it starts on Monday.

We get up late and

we haven't got out of the house as quickly as we need to so there's a bit of a rush to get to the airport as we're everything is packed and jamie's taking the kids on the train and i'm getting a taxi with all the bags jamie loses her phone absolutely

perfect timing she has packed it at the bottom of one of the suitcases that's just a bag it's like a tote bag so we find it it doesn't take that long but there is a good 10 minutes of huffing of me thinking me thinking in the same ways when we emigrated she basically threw her credit card off the black friars bridge into the thames as we left.

And it was just not ideal.

We were three months apart.

I had to give her my credit card.

It was just like unnecessary time to lose your cards.

Anyway, we find that...

Sometimes you just got to set your passport on fire in the airport just for bants, really.

So the phone is number one.

We're on the tarmac at Heathrow for about an hour.

So that is like, you know, you're in, you're ready to go.

We know it's long.

And they're just having a trouble with the paperwork.

And you know, you always think, fucking paperwork is it?

We're all in.

You shut the door.

I don't need any paperwork.

You don't need any paperwork.

No one needs any paperwork.

Obviously, Heathrow had had a few problems recently.

We thought we had a bassinet seat and we don't have one.

Ah, shit.

So we're in the row behind three people who have a bassinet but have no baby between them.

We say, look, can we chuck our baby occasionally in there?

Not allowed.

Computer says no, for health and safety reasons.

So you said this not to the punters who are sitting there, but to the aerosura.

Yes.

They're all lovely.

They just said, look, we just can't do this.

And, you know, I didn't push it, but it was like, you're You're staring at a thing that would be really useful for you, and three people are not using it.

I even, like, halfway through the flight said, Oh, yeah, we thought to the because I was bobbing Willie around.

The woman sitting in the middle was like, Oh, I said, I we thought we had the bassinet, and she went, Oh, how do you screw that up?

I was like, Well, I don't know, but you could say, Why not use this?

Do you know what I mean?

Like, you're not using it, but anyway, so you were trying to guild trip the people sitting there.

Not really.

I was by that time, I was at peace with it not having it and him just sleeping on one of us.

But it was, I quite liked her familiarity going well you that up didn't you mate i'm like

really

so at the moment i was trying to sleep the man next to me watched on his ipad a man on youtube with quite luxurious hair reviewing machine guns for about 17 hours

Every time I looked around, someone was firing.

It was an AK.

I didn't know there was AK had anything but 47s, but I do now.

And I was sort of in trouble.

I was like, who is this man?

But right at the end, he changed to a documentary about ISIS.

I was like, what a strange way to get through this.

And in front of him, the woman had fallen asleep.

So she's in the exit row, but her TV was in my eye line.

And she was watching the same, she had a looped episode of a medical drama called.

pit and I think it starred someone who used to be an ER.

So every time I sort of like open my eyes, the same man was being intubated, covered in blood.

I was like,

she was asleep.

And eventually I just said to an air steward, I said, look, could you check if she's asleep?

And if she says, could you turn it off?

Because it was driving me absolutely.

Cause you know when you're like, I'm not watching it, but I'm watching it.

And I've seen this episode now five times.

And every time it ended, I was like, maybe it'll go off, but it didn't go off.

So you had chosen to get the direct London to Perth flight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that you're 17 hours of raw dogging this episode.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

17 hours of just watching this episode.

I'm at the back of the plane because there's a bit of space chatting to the air stewards about stuff.

And then the pilot walks out with a piece of paper and someone says, what's this?

And he went, it's all the flight connections we've missed.

And I said, well, as long as you haven't missed a 110 from Perth to Melbourne, it's fine.

He went, we've missed that one.

I was like, oh, God.

I look around and Jamie is playing on the floor in one corner with Ian, Roll the Schweppes, as we have a can of Schweppes, tonic water.

And Ian is saying, I want to play roll the schweps.

And we asked to move.

And then he really bursts into tears because he can't play roll the schwepes.

And I sell to Jamie, I've got some not good news.

We're in Perth for five hours.

And then the only other bit was like, when we get on the plane in Perth, we're in row 47.

Fine, but then I'm sitting in a seat, and a man comes up to me and says, This is my seat.

I'm like, Is it?

Oh, okay.

And I just say, Can I just check my boarding parcel?

I haven't printed that too because it's weird that we wouldn't sit together.

And I realize I'm in the seat just in front of us.

And I said, You wouldn't mind just going in that seat.

And he was like puce with rage.

Oh, shit.

He was like, but this is my seat.

And I said, mate, I'd love you to sit in this seat.

Believe me.

But you don't want to sit in this seat.

You don't want to sit in this seat.

But he was like, you weren't going to move anyway.

I was like, and I was obviously exhausted and probably slightly passive-aggressive.

But I was like, and he sat in the seat, but he was like scoffing and scoffing.

And he sat in front of Ian's seat.

You know, Ian's exhausted is three and a half, starts kicking the chair.

And he started looking around in such a mean way.

And this one, and I said, the seat in front of me was spared.

I said, you could sit there.

But he was so angry.

I got to call this the opposite of murder on the Orange Express.

As in I sense there's going to be a murder on it.

But instead, we're in the cattle class of a Qantas flight.

This is, it's simmering, the whole thing, with rolling the schwepes, with the man in front.

My other question is, in deciding to go with the 17-hour flight with the, what, five-hour connection, does it not make more sense to divide it down the middle and get a flight to

Shanghai and then another another nine hour the other side if i go to shanghai i can sell some trading cards but yeah you don't want two bad flights you want one really bad one and one that is just bearable that's the conclusion that we've come to okay anyway with apologies to listeners who are all the listeners i pretty much have fast forwarded that bit because it wasn't my yesterday you may now ask me a question But eventually we get on okay.

We obviously we get home.

We land, we get home.

You know, life is tough.

Okay.

So thank you for that.

Vax Russian, what did you do yesterday?

I woke up

at 10 a.m.

We've discovered what to do.

If we just fly our children across the world every day, we can sleep till 10.

Like there'd been a bit of movement.

I think I had a wee at nine.

I think Willie had woken up for a second.

He'd gone back to sleep.

It's 10.

Jamie says, why don't you have a shower?

Literally, I tell you, in three years, I've never been offered the chance of a shower.

For both of us, it's just seeking permission.

I have a shower.

It's just wonderful.

10.15, Ian wakes.

The sun is shining.

Yeah.

We go into the garden.

We kick the football.

We get the Hot Wheels garage.

We get the Polystarine stones.

Ian's like, can I make you a coffee, father?

It's a three-quarter flat white, isn't it?

Yeah.

Mug.

So then we know we have a lovely morning, not got much to do.

I opt for trousers over shorts, but it's a tricky call.

All right.

We go to one of our favorite cafes, Ophelia.

The serving staff are almost all new, which is annoying because we want people to be excited we're back.

And they don't give a fuck because they don't know who we are.

A couple of people do, and that's nice.

When we get to there, we have to wait to be seated.

Normally, we know this people so well, we just say, oh, we'll just sit over there, but they're like,

anyway, that's okay.

Get through that.

I get a long black.

I get the folded eggs with watercress, caramised onions, and fresh horseradish.

It's delicious.

We do some colouring in.

We do some pencil sharpening.

This is idyllic.

It is a beautiful day.

Ian and I go to Peter's Reserve.

We watch some trains.

They're not as regular as the London trains.

Ian is combining London and Melbourne train lines.

This is the Melbourne Thames link, he tells me.

And he's absolutely affirmative.

It is the Melbourne Thames link.

There's no arguing with this.

What a train that would be.

That would be perfect for

me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If it just went Farringdon.

Blackfriars, South Croydon, Melbourne.

Absolutely, you know, you can stop at three bridges if you you want.

Maybe Brighton, Melbourne.

Amazing.

The problem would be for the likes of Helen Bauer, who just falls asleep on it for a moment.

Falls asleep in Green Park, and then you wake up in queue just outside Melbourne.

Sorry, the Melbourne queue, not the London queue.

We push the swing, it starts spitting.

I look over because you've got a good view of the city here, and I can't see it at all.

The rain is coming.

But like, it's such a perfect day that I push the pram home.

And as we push the pram under the awning, under our porch the heavens open i'm like this is fine we're inside it's raining it's great jamie and willie are under a tree jamie wants rescuing in the car she's only about three minutes away but the rain is really teeming down i have a dilemma ian is now playing train set can i leave him at home

the answer is no yeah but i'm like he wouldn't notice i could jump in the car Subaru, Subaru.

Exactly.

Is it going to start?

That's a good question.

I get him up and say, we've got to go and rescue Mama.

He's in.

We get him in the car.

We drive to Mama.

She jumps in with Willie.

We get them home.

It's totally fine.

Everyone's fine.

They're a bit wet, but they're okay.

This is the least stressful day you've ever had.

She gets in the car.

I love you, wonderful husband.

And you're like, I love you too.

Everything is perfect.

I do a little bit of work.

Jamie is trying to talk to me about a new kitchen table she wants.

I'm trying to watch the Carabao Cup highlights, but it's fine.

I'm not really paying.

You know, she'll buy the table probably.

It's 200 bucks.

We don't have space for the big tables.

Cut down a tree.

Willie's got a nap walk, so I walk about.

I listen to a bit of football podcasts, quite like the Monday Night Club.

Apologies to the head of Talksport who listens, who came to the live show.

But I think Mark Chapman's very good, like Rory Smith.

I think Joe Hart's a good pundit.

I then watch all of Jimmy Kimmel's opening monologue about

him being taken off air.

And I think it's very good.

Well done to Jimmy Kimmel.

It probably doesn't need me to say well done.

But I thought it was good all the same.

Willie wakes up just as I'm getting to the front door.

Perfect timing.

I see my neighbor is borrowing another neighbor's recycling bin, which is odd because while we're away, the same neighbor borrowed my recycling bin from the guy who was staying in our house.

I say, that's interesting because you borrowed our recycling bin.

And she went, it's disappeared.

I go inside and I order a new recycling bin from the council.

How much?

That's going to set you back.

$800?

No, no, no.

Seems to be free.

I reckon if you're a repeat offender, it could hitch up.

But at the moment, it seems to cost me nothing, but I will find out.

out what do we think here someone left the recycling bin out on the street didn't bring it in and either one of the neighbors has stolen it or simply you can't leave a big plastic bin out on the street no they're left out on the street all the time no one cares wow so it's weird that the neighbor had took one and that's disappeared and i saw her taking another from a neighbor so i don't know what they're doing with their recycling bins they're maybe they're trying to hoard them i'll peer over the fence it's four o'clock me and ian are doing some watercolors beautiful day we're filling in shapes with blue and pink and orange jamie takes ian to the shop to buy some flowers i'm at home with willie if you remember when i demonstrated a squat i'm on day 21 of my press-ups and squats regime oh yeah i've missed three of 21 i missed the live show i should have done them instead of going to the pub for that half hour i missed the transit days although i did quite a few squats with willie and then up in the air in the aeroplane So I start my 15 minutes of squats and press-ups.

Sophie the babysitter arrives after eight minutes.

So I can't really carry on.

No, she's there.

Jamie comes home.

He's excited to see Sophie.

It's lovely.

I go and record Football Weekly.

It's a good episode.

I have a 10-minute window.

There's a rolling bolognese on the stove.

I don't know how Jamie has managed to cook a bolognese during this time, but she has.

So I put some in a bowl.

I come into the back to the shed and I shovel it into my mouth.

In front of you, I'm on a Zoom call with you.

And Chris McCausland, he arrives, and we record an episode of the excellent podcast.

What did you do yesterday?

This is idyllic.

This is like one of my days that you mock.

Seamless.

It's a seamless.

You turned it round.

All it took was that flight.

It's not funny either, is it?

That's the problem.

I love it.

I test the line.

It works with Talksport because I'm doing a show tomorrow.

I, today, in a couple of hours, I'm doing the afternoon show.

I get in.

Willie wakes up.

Jamie goes to sort that out.

I do my full 15 minutes.

So I don't know eight minutes.

So then I do a full 15 minutes of my squats and press-ups.

Yeah.

I believe if I don't finish it, I need to do it again.

So I've had a bonus eight minutes in there, but that's fine.

She's ordered some ice cream on Uber Eats.

So I finished that, which may

render the press-ups pointless, but it was still delicious.

Interruption.

Do you feel that this 15-minute workout

is any dividends?

You know, do you feel it's getting easier as you do it every day?

Can you not see my pecs?

You look great.

You look absolutely wonderful.

And there's joy that's coming through you.

At nine o'clock, I start writing a column that's due in today.

I spend an hour on that, sort of get the, I don't really write much of it, but I sort of get a feel of where it's going to go.

So that's, that means I can sleep easy.

10 o'clock, in bed, lights out, asleep, and the day is done.

On October 17th, I'm an angel.

See the wings?

Don't miss the new comedy, Good Fortune, starring Seth Rogan, Aziz Ansari, and Kiana Reeves.

Critics Rave.

He's haven't sent.

Kinda.

You were very unhelpful.

Good Fortune, directed by Aziz Ansari.

Red at R.

This episode is brought to you by Life Lock.

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This episode is brought to you by Tic Tac.

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Suddenly, you remember the pack of Tic-Tacs on your desk.

Now you're riding horseback on the beach, the smell of citrus in the air.

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Your boss is sitting behind you, breathing heavenly fresh mint.

Refresh your mouth and mind and share your good vibes with Tic Tac.

Or is it

hang on?

But I just, I just want before before we move on to this, the denouement,

normally if I fly to Australia, I have this day where

my emotions and digestives and all of the different elements that make up David Hadardi are so confused that I'll see like a shop with closing down sale written on it and just burst into tears.

You know, everything is just

too much.

No, I'm absolutely fine.

And at 10 o'clock, I fall asleep and I think this day is the day.

Now,

it's midnight.

Yeah.

Willie wakes up.

Oh, no.

I'm in the day bed.

Jamie's in our bed.

Ian's in his bed.

Willie wakes up at midnight.

She said, look, she'll try and sort it because I've got work.

till quite late tomorrow today.

Yeah.

One o'clock in the morning, Ian wakes up.

uh yeah so the four of us in the living room and i sort of say okay look what's the plan here we shouldn't both be awake she is like we're in this as a team and i'm like look you go to bed i'll stay up with them for a bit vice versa whatever legend

jamie says no i'm not going to sleep you can if you want but it's underneath when she says that she's saying don't go to bed but i'm going i'm going to go and have a bit of sleep see what happens anyway two o'clock in the morning We're all up.

Jamie is trying to put Willie down.

I make toast for me and Ian.

He wants toast.

Do I want toast?

It's two in the morning.

I don't know, but a bit like your confusion, I have some toast and peanut butter.

Yeah.

It's game time.

It's game time.

Ian is, he is ready to play and he wants the games.

We play train track.

We play delivery.

We play hit the frog.

We play mechanics.

We make the circle line out of little tiny screws.

Then we take the screws out of the little sort of plastic kit they're in and we put the circle line away.

We make a car with a house as a roof.

Great.

he asked for a dance party in his bedroom i said we can't dance party in your bedroom because it's next to willie's room but we can dance party in here sylvia's downstairs oh yeah sylvia's moved to underneath our house

she's texting from basically earth just a clod of earth saying can you shut up so we dance party until three in the morning oh it's good stuff like your youth yeah it's like my youth i did think that going i'm dancing at three in the morning i don't remember the last time i did this a long long time ago.

But if you think about it, he woke up at midnight.

That he thinks that's 8 a.m.

You know, it all makes perfect sense.

It makes perfect sense to him, but it's not like traditionally, it's not how you'd want to get over jet lag, right?

No.

So at three o'clock, I can see in Rhyme's eyes.

He's sleepy.

He's refusing to admit it.

He's trying to be strong here.

He's saying, I'm not sleepy.

I can do this.

I'm saying, no, no, no, that's okay.

He says, can we go?

I want to sleep in your bed.

So Ian and I get into the day bed and we read Mr.

Happy.

And I'm, I don't think I'm sad about it.

I'm just, I'm accepting of my fate at this point.

It's 3 a.m.

I've got a lot of work the next day.

I've got a column that I haven't really written, two podcasts in a radio show.

I'm thinking, okay.

The fact that it's dark outside and there's like loud owl sounds coming from the trees, does that not make him think, hmm, maybe I shouldn't be awake?

No, because he says bedtime is 7 p.m.

and it's 2 a.m.

So it's not his bedtime.

Right.

Anyway, we read Mr.

Happy.

He gets very upset that he finds a toy motorbike and a toy motorcycle.

Now, I can't really discern the difference, but he can.

And he wants us both to have motorcycles.

And I'm like, I'm fine with a motorbike.

And I see it as a learning opportunity to say, we might be different, but we can still be friends.

What am I doing?

It's three in the morning.

Like, I don't need to do this.

We're chatting away.

He's really obsessed about that we missed the one o'clock from Perth.

So he keeps asking questions about missing missing the one o'clock from Perth.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Where is the one o'clock?

Why did we miss the one o'clock?

Yeah, it's four o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, so he starts playing the hits.

He asks for water.

I know it's game now.

So I'm like, okay, I'm getting you in your bedroom.

Dry oaths, dry oaths.

I know there's a bottle of water by his bed.

So I'm like, okay.

I pick him up and I can see the train track that's in because the day bed's in the playroom.

So I can see that's glowing in the dark.

So I'm not going to tread on it.

But the station is not going in the dark.

And so I embed the top of the plastic station as it courses into my brain from the heel of my foot.

I can't let him notice because he's like, what was that sound, Dadda?

Let's look at it.

Let's turn the light on.

No, no, no.

We're getting into bed.

It's about 4.15.

I'm in his bed.

He's down.

I go back to the day bed.

I get into bed.

That is the end of the day.

It felt like, do you know a horror movie where they always have a really nice opening to it?

You know, you just see the small American town with like, good morning, Mr.

Postman.

You know, good morning, bakery.

Great to see you.

And you know that everyone's going to end up with a knife in their head in 15 minutes.

That's kind of how that opening felt.

But jet lag is so, you know, my trick, I always try and book in a gig on the first night when I get to Australia.

It's weird.

I said to the Rodle Ravina, could I do, you know, just 30 30 minutes open mic, but they wouldn't have me.

I don't know why.

You and Ian Rochdon just together on stage.

Before we go, David, a while ago, it's over two months ago now, I was in Teddington and I saw a, it's the limoncello of this podcast.

I saw a comedian putting up posters for his own show and a quite a famous footballer.

And I'd just like to know if you and Marsbar would like to have a guest, even though the two of you do not like this bit of the podcast.

I love it.

Marsbar, I invite you to go first in this.

Is this Marsbar?

You have all the statistics.

Is this tracking well, this quiz?

Is it going well?

I would say the drop-off rate on episode listen through at this point is almost 100%.

We can say anything after this point.

No one's listening.

Absolute disgrace.

Honestly.

The Hills Hoist is New Zealand's greatest ever invention.

Yeah, I've said it again.

Okay, Marsbar, your guest first.

I would like to go for Rob Bryden and Rob Lee.

Nice.

Incorrect.

It's incorrect.

David, I will go for friend of the podcast, Alan Davies and Jude Bellingham.

Incorrect.

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To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

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And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

Thanks, David.

Minute for life.

No one's listening.

It doesn't matter.

Hey, listeners, go yourself, you big stupid, hairy tall.

Well, I didn't need to see bomb on that, did it?

Can you beep all that Merzborough?

See you next time.

Everything's showbiz.