Season 4 Episode 4: A Match Made in Piffling

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Speaker 7 Antigone Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Pifling Vale. It used to be the only one.
It isn't anymore. A mortician's life is a lonely one, and there's rarely any time for romance.

Speaker 7 It's so hard to meet someone who still has a pulse. But that doesn't mean it's impossible.

Speaker 8 Wooden Overcoats by David K. Barnes.
Season 4, Episode 4.

Speaker 8 A Match Made in Piffling.

Speaker 7 There are two hospitals on Pifling, but sadly, just one doctor who struggles on with the occasional nap and an almost illegal intake of coffee. It seemed cruel to give him more work to do.

Speaker 7 But when Rudyard got his head stuck in an urn, the funds didn't have any choice.

Speaker 9 Honestly, Rudyard, this is the limit. Why don't you look where you're going?

Speaker 9 Of course it was your fault. Georgie, what have I told you about running in the mortuary?

Speaker 8 You shouldn't run in the mortuary because you shouldn't be in the mortuary.

Speaker 9 Get out. Exactly.
So what were you doing?

Speaker 12 Having a relay rest.

Speaker 13 Why? Something to do.

Speaker 9 Got something to do. We're running a business.

Speaker 8 What did he say?

Speaker 12 He said you'd never let us have any fun.

Speaker 9 He doesn't like having fun. That's your influence.

Speaker 13 Sorry. So you should be.

Speaker 9 Now we're wasting our time and the doctor's time as well. Really, Rudyard, you're useless.

Speaker 14 What are you?

Speaker 9 Exactly. That art may have closed down years ago.

Speaker 8 Watcher, the doctor's coming.

Speaker 13 Right then.

Speaker 13 Who is up next?

Speaker 15 Oh, no.

Speaker 16 For heaven's sake.

Speaker 13 Hello, Doctor.

Speaker 17 That's the fifth time this year, and it's only February.

Speaker 9 We're sorry, Doctor. You know what they say about urns.

Speaker 16 No, I don't.

Speaker 9 It's easy to trip and get your head stuck in them.

Speaker 9 Actually, I'm not sure if they do say that, but it happens to be true.

Speaker 20 Is there anyone in there with him?

Speaker 9 Not yet. It's brand new.

Speaker 16 Okay, then.

Speaker 18 Usual procedure.

Speaker 21 Hammer.

Speaker 22 Here you are.

Speaker 23 Thank you.

Speaker 24 Ten years at medical school.

Speaker 20 You're welcome.

Speaker 11 As better.

Speaker 11 Georgie, couldn't you have broken me out?

Speaker 16 I haven't got the qualifications.

Speaker 23 Nor do I.

Speaker 12 You said you had ten years at medical school.

Speaker 16 I didn't say I passed.

Speaker 17 Now, if one of you could escort the patient home, perhaps the other can sign the forms.

Speaker 9 You take him, Georgie. And stop racing around.

Speaker 12 Come on, then, sir.

Speaker 8 It easy does it.

Speaker 9 Wait, back. Ha!

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 13 That's what happened, Rob Bela!

Speaker 10 I said, stop!

Speaker 10 What's the actual point?

Speaker 17 If you come this way, Miss Funn.

Speaker 17 How is business at the moment?

Speaker 9 Slow.

Speaker 9 Even with Chapman's closed for another week or so, so, people just don't seem to be dying around here.

Speaker 20 I do try hard to keep them alive, but you can leave a complaint if you like.

Speaker 15 Sign here, please.

Speaker 9 I really am sorry about my brother. Why despair?

Speaker 26 Must be hard to run a business with him.

Speaker 9 Very. Georgie and Madeline, they're nearly as bad.

Speaker 25 And I bet they all say you're too serious.

Speaker 9 While they muck around doing whatever they like.

Speaker 9 It's good to talk to someone who understands.

Speaker 20 Similar with my family.

Speaker 9 They drive me mad. It's like working with children.
Sometimes I feel like I've got to do absolutely everything all by myself. You've no idea what that's like.

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 9 Sorry, yes.

Speaker 19 Two hospitals.

Speaker 16 That said, it's merely the one hospital at the moment.

Speaker 9 What happened to St. Scratch?

Speaker 19 It failed its health inspection.

Speaker 15 Oh, God.

Speaker 16 Oh, wonderful, isn't it?

Speaker 17 And while that one's waiting for fumigation, I've been getting ahead of my work for once.

Speaker 16 I might

Speaker 20 even take an evening off.

Speaker 9 Really?

Speaker 24 There's so much happening out there.

Speaker 25 And I want to experience it.

Speaker 27 I've been locked away working for so long, I've almost forgotten what it's like to

Speaker 19 live, really.

Speaker 9 I know what that feels like.

Speaker 17 I wish I knew where to start.

Speaker 9 Well, actually,

Speaker 9 it is a Thursday, and

Speaker 9 I was probably going to the cinema tonight to see a film.

Speaker 25 Films?

Speaker 14 They still make those?

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 15 I remember films.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 18 I'd love to see one again.

Speaker 9 Well, I wouldn't mind if... Maybe if...

Speaker 9 Would you...

Speaker 10 Would you...

Speaker 9 Would you... Would you like to see one? With me? This evening, maybe? Yes? If you like.

Speaker 16 I'd be glad to. Oh.

Speaker 13 Oh.

Speaker 20 Perhaps we could even discuss the film afterwards over dinner.

Speaker 16 Dinner? In a restaurant somewhere.

Speaker 25 They still have restaurants, don't they? Yes.

Speaker 20 Incredible. In that case, I would be very happy if you would be very happy, Miss Fun.

Speaker 9 Antigone.

Speaker 10 Henry.

Speaker 9 Tonight at six.

Speaker 17 Tonight at six.

Speaker 10 Great.

Speaker 10 Well, I'd better head home.

Speaker 9 I've Mrs. Moribone to deal with.
Her corpse is in the mortuary, and we really should do something about it.

Speaker 2 Ah, well.

Speaker 17 Till later, then.

Speaker 17 See you at the cinema.

Speaker 9 See you there.

Speaker 17 See you there.

Speaker 9 See you there.

Speaker 9 To be clear, we're going on a date, aren't we?

Speaker 16 Yes. Yes!

Speaker 7 Suffused with the glow of romance, Antigone was hardly able to concentrate on preparing Mrs. Moribund.

Speaker 7 That evening, she washed her hands clean of entrails, put on the most elegant dress she could find, now that Mrs. Moribund would no longer need it,

Speaker 7 and writhed along happily to the Piffling Royale cinema.

Speaker 7 It's fun,

Speaker 29 but the adverts are nearly finished. You won't want to miss the cartoon.
It's Russian, not a laugh in it.

Speaker 9 That's all right, Herbert. I won't be long.

Speaker 29 Well, you rarely lurk in the foyer as long as this. You're often straight into the inky blackness of that auditorium like a civet reaching its cave.

Speaker 9 Tonight is no ordinary night.

Speaker 24 How so, Miss Funner?

Speaker 9 I'm on a date.

Speaker 28 A date?

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, I see.

Speaker 29 You're at Sana Moore.

Speaker 28 Hello there.

Speaker 2 I'm Herbert.

Speaker 29 Nice to meet you. What are you doing?

Speaker 18 Talking to your date.

Speaker 9 I haven't made him up.

Speaker 10 Oh.

Speaker 28 He's real.

Speaker 10 He just isn't here yet.

Speaker 29 Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Funny. I didn't mean it to be so awkward.
And the more I stand here, the worse it gets.

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 29 This is unbearable.

Speaker 9 I know.

Speaker 11 Oh, the phone. That's a bit of luck, isn't it? Excuse me.

Speaker 9 Antigone. Dr.
Edgar

Speaker 10 Henry.

Speaker 2 Oh, hello.

Speaker 10 I hope I'm not too late.

Speaker 9 Quick. You've got to let Herbert know you exist.
He knows I exist. Tonight, you're existing with me.
Go on, tell him.

Speaker 20 Uh, he's on the phone.

Speaker 24 Uh, anyway, I must thank you for inviting me tonight. It's my first evening off for over a decade.

Speaker 9 And I'm flattered you're spending it with me. You won't regret it.
Sorry? I mean, a film, it's a good film. Ah.
La Cravat, Inquitonte.

Speaker 9 A little Little mainstream for my taste, but the three hours should fly by.

Speaker 24 Oh, if it has subtitles, I forgot my glasses.

Speaker 9 I can read them out to you.

Speaker 25 Won't that annoy the people around us?

Speaker 9 There won't be any.

Speaker 23 Gosh.

Speaker 19 Antigone. Great.

Speaker 14 I thought I'd see you at this one.

Speaker 19 Chapman.

Speaker 16 Hello, Eric. Oh, Henry.

Speaker 6 What brings you here?

Speaker 18 Or is somebody ill?

Speaker 16 No, we're here to see the film.

Speaker 19 We?

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 19 You too?

Speaker 2 Yes, really.

Speaker 14 I mean, good?

Speaker 14 Good, good? For you?

Speaker 26 Both.

Speaker 19 Thank you. No problem.

Speaker 30 Enjoy yourself. I mean, the film.
Enjoy the film. And, you know, the evening.
And, uh,

Speaker 11 yes.

Speaker 14 Yes, good for you. Yes.

Speaker 5 Right. Yes.

Speaker 13 I'm so glad.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 26 I'm back.

Speaker 2 Thank God.

Speaker 19 Oh, Dr. Edgway, I'm so glad I've found you.

Speaker 28 Why, what's happened?

Speaker 29 Well, that was Mrs. Turner on the fun.
She's broken a leg. It might not even be hers.
I see. She needs you immediately.
You must run like the wing.

Speaker 9 Couldn't it wait? For a few hours or a night or two?

Speaker 29 Well, it's urgent. Ah, I should have come over sooner, but we got chatting away as you do, and now she's got blood all over the living room.
She's ruined that carpet.

Speaker 25 I should probably see her.

Speaker 24 Antigone,

Speaker 25 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 10 No,

Speaker 9 I understand.

Speaker 24 It shouldn't take longer than an hour or two

Speaker 25 or three.

Speaker 24 We could catch up afterwards.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 10 Oh.

Speaker 9 I'll wait around then.

Speaker 13 See you soon.

Speaker 8 Enjoy the film.

Speaker 29 Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Funn. There's still Lacravat and Kietonk to enjoy.
Thanks to Mr. Chapman, he donated the print.
Along with Abbott and Costello meet Hitler.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 19 Who's on first? Hitler.

Speaker 6 Terrible film.

Speaker 29 Shall we get you settled in? The popcorn is on the house.

Speaker 10 No, thank you, Herbert.

Speaker 9 I think I'll take a walk. Good night.

Speaker 21 Oh dear.

Speaker 29 The course of true love never did run smooth. No.

Speaker 29 For me, of course, it it never ran at all. Not really.

Speaker 16 Hmm.

Speaker 29 Mr. Chapman,

Speaker 10 could I have a hug?

Speaker 10 Uh

Speaker 30 yeah, yeah, fine.

Speaker 13 Cheers.

Speaker 7 Antigone sat on a bench in the square and waited for her evening to start. But Mrs.
Turner had broken more legs than anyone had realised, so by the time Dr.

Speaker 7 Edgware returned, the film had finished and everywhere was shut.

Speaker 7 There was only one place left they could go.

Speaker 21 There we are.

Speaker 24 I'll get the light.

Speaker 9 Thank you.

Speaker 10 Well.

Speaker 10 Ah.

Speaker 9 I hope Mrs. Turner pulled through.

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 25 Yes, up to her old tricks again. We watched Emma Dale during the surgery, so the time passed agreeably.

Speaker 27 I'm sorry it ruined the evening.

Speaker 10 Yes, well.

Speaker 9 It's not over yet, is it?

Speaker 15 No.

Speaker 16 No, you're right.

Speaker 27 Tell you what, how about I look in the cupboards and get us a bite to eat?

Speaker 19 I can help you. No, no, no, no, please.

Speaker 18 Sit down.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 9 This is the comfiest armchair I've ever sat in.

Speaker 16 Oh, good.

Speaker 25 I bought it seven years ago, but I haven't had a chance to use it.

Speaker 27 Would you like coffee?

Speaker 25 I should warn you, the stuff I have is designed for horses.

Speaker 9 Caffeine makes my hair turn green. Oh.

Speaker 23 How about I get you hot water and you can customise it?

Speaker 10 Perfect.

Speaker 16 Won't keep you waiting waiting long.

Speaker 25 There's some magazines on the table if you want them.

Speaker 9 We speak to the new kid on the block, Liberanchi.

Speaker 9 So things didn't turn out how you wanted, as usual.

Speaker 9 But give it time, Antigone. Give it time.

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 9 What was that?

Speaker 9 Hello?

Speaker 9 Who's there?

Speaker 9 I've got a cushion. I can defend myself.

Speaker 2 Come out.

Speaker 2 You're.

Speaker 9 You're a parrot.

Speaker 9 Oh,

Speaker 9 you're pretty, aren't you?

Speaker 9 Why, thank you. I'm Antigone.
Antigone, Antigone,

Speaker 9 very impressive. What's your name?

Speaker 9 My name's Esther. Well, it's nice to meet you, Esther.

Speaker 9 Thank you.

Speaker 9 I'm a friend of Henry's.

Speaker 9 I said I'm a friend of Dr. Edgware's.

Speaker 13 Esther?

Speaker 13 Henry has a friend.

Speaker 11 I'm sorry?

Speaker 11 Esther, Henry's friend.

Speaker 9 Oh, I mean, of of course you are.

Speaker 9 Henry as a friend.

Speaker 9 Esther, Henry's friend.

Speaker 9 Are you.

Speaker 9 You're not jealous.

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 9 You go away now. I don't want to go away.

Speaker 9 Esther, Henry's friend.

Speaker 9 You go away now.

Speaker 9 No.

Speaker 9 Wait.

Speaker 9 I think it eats.

Speaker 31 Right. That's the water on the boil.

Speaker 10 Henry.

Speaker 26 Oh, I see you've met Esther.

Speaker 4 Hello, Esther.

Speaker 25 I bought Esther so I had someone to talk to when I got home. She picks up words very quickly, don't you?

Speaker 25 Esther, Henry's friend.

Speaker 14 Yes, you are.

Speaker 28 I wouldn't know what to do without Esther.

Speaker 24 What with my schedule? She's been my only friend for quite a while. Yes.
Um,

Speaker 9 does she ever get,

Speaker 10 well,

Speaker 10 angry?

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 16 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 25 Well, parrots are such intelligent and social birds that I'm so very rarely here.

Speaker 26 So

Speaker 25 she was starting to get cranky.

Speaker 17 But then I taught her how to use the telephone, and now she calls me at work.

Speaker 26 Don't you, Esther?

Speaker 2 How's your day?

Speaker 9 How cute.

Speaker 18 Esther, this is Antigone.

Speaker 5 Antigone.

Speaker 25 She's a friend.

Speaker 25 Ah?

Speaker 10 Esther, Henry's friend.

Speaker 18 Yes, but Antigone is a friend as well.

Speaker 26 Maybe you should stroke her.

Speaker 16 Show you mean well.

Speaker 25 She won't bite, I promise you. Really? I was talking to Esther.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 That's right.

Speaker 10 Oh, there we are.

Speaker 24 See, Esther, Antigone is a nice lady.

Speaker 25 And hopefully, she'll be here more often.

Speaker 14 She bit me! Esther!

Speaker 14 Esther Fenley's friend!

Speaker 14 Oh, dear.

Speaker 26 What is she doing, Miss? Well, she's been here many years.

Speaker 5 She may have grown aggressive.

Speaker 5 Go away, Antigone! Go away!

Speaker 26 Esther, there is no need to be uncivil about this.

Speaker 9 Maybe I should go.

Speaker 26 It'll be alright. I'm making us cheese on toast.
With fat cheese or indeed toast, but I think you'll like it.

Speaker 16 Antigone is awful! Antigone is awful!

Speaker 25 For God's sake, Esther, stop.

Speaker 16 Calm down! No!

Speaker 9 I can't do this. I'm going home.

Speaker 14 But Antigone, wait, please.

Speaker 9 I'm sorry, Henry. This evening isn't big enough for the three of us.

Speaker 23 Antigone!

Speaker 26 Damn it, Esther!

Speaker 13 Now look what you've done!

Speaker 7 Antigone hurried away as quickly as she could as the argument rang out in the night.

Speaker 10 Oh my god.

Speaker 7 She hoped to put the whole sorry experience behind her, like the time her mother had accidentally used her as a broom.

Speaker 7 But the next morning, inquiring minds wanted to learn more.

Speaker 12 So, Antigone, you were out late last night.

Speaker 8 What?

Speaker 9 No, shut up. How would you know anyway?

Speaker 12 Rudyard told me.

Speaker 11 I was worried sick wondering where you were. I made us our bedtime mugs of cocoa, but I had to give yours to Madeline.

Speaker 12 She's still on a sugar house.

Speaker 9 There's no mystery, Rudyard. You knew I was at the cinema with Dr.
Edgware.

Speaker 5 Yeah?

Speaker 12 Well, the film stopped at half past nine and you weren't back till midnight.

Speaker 11 What on earth were the two of you doing?

Speaker 11 Surely all that's left is to say good night, shake hands, and go home.

Speaker 9 Budget.

Speaker 11 He's a doctor. He ought to know better.

Speaker 8 Perhaps he was taking a temperature.

Speaker 9 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 12 I don't know, but it sounded not.

Speaker 9 For your information, the doctor's a perfect gentleman.

Speaker 22 Oh, sound ray.

Speaker 9 You're as sorry as I am. And his dedication to both his patients and his parrot is complete and absolute.
His parrot? His parrot!

Speaker 11 Now look here.

Speaker 6 Antigone is for you again.

Speaker 9 Yes, hello, who is this?

Speaker 9 Henry has a friend. Henry has a friend.
Stay away from Henry.

Speaker 9 Esther, is that you again?

Speaker 9 Now.

Speaker 9 Yes, it is. And if you call me again, I'll pull out all your feathers and have you frickasaid.

Speaker 6 Antigone,

Speaker 18 have you made enemies with a parrot?

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 21 Why?

Speaker 8 Look, it's my life.

Speaker 9 I'll do what I want with it.

Speaker 12 So you and Dr.

Speaker 9 Edgwire are... Just bad friends, and I'll thank you not to mention it ever again.
I'm going to the mortuary now, and I don't want to see anyone for the rest of the year. Okay? Okay.
Okay, right.

Speaker 9 Thank you. Bye.
Sodov.

Speaker 12 Oh, Philip. She was so excited when she got back from the hospital yesterday, but now she's madder than ever.

Speaker 11 This is why making friends simply doesn't work.

Speaker 10 But believe me.

Speaker 11 I speak from experience.

Speaker 12 I think she was looking for more than a friend, sir.

Speaker 11 I have no time for your riddles today, Georgie. We've got to solve this problem, and quickly.

Speaker 12 I'd like to see Antigone happy for once.

Speaker 11 No, you wouldn't. It's terrifying.
But we can't let her spend a year sulking.

Speaker 11 Chapman will be starting up his funerals in a week or so, and if we're going to seize the advantage, then we need to be fully manned.

Speaker 11 And if a friend for Antigone is what it takes, then a friend is what she'll have.

Speaker 14 Oh, hello, you two.

Speaker 6 Is Antigone around? Come on.

Speaker 30 Why do you ask? I bumped into Dr. Edgware and he seemed very upset about last night.

Speaker 7 How's Antigone?

Speaker 12 She's picked a fight with a parrot.

Speaker 30 Whatever makes her happy.

Speaker 1 But Henry feels terrible about the whole thing. He's too embarrassed to call her.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 26 That won't do it all!

Speaker 11 How can they make friends if they won't communicate?

Speaker 19 Wait a sec.

Speaker 8 What if we communicate for them?

Speaker 12 We tell Antigone that Edgware wants to see her again.

Speaker 11 And we tell the doctor that she wants to see him. Yes, it's brilliant.

Speaker 12 I'm great at romantic schemes.

Speaker 11 Let's say dinner in a restaurant tonight.

Speaker 30 That sounds plausible. Hang on.

Speaker 6 Since when have you been a matchmaker?

Speaker 11 I want Antigone to be happy, that's all. Does that sound so very strange?

Speaker 6 Coming from you, yes.

Speaker 6 But if you're sure it's what Antigone actually wants...

Speaker 11 I don't tend to meddle in the affairs of my staff.

Speaker 11 Sorry, family.

Speaker 13 No, staff will do.

Speaker 12 Hey, tell you what. I'm taking Jennifer out tonight.
We could make it a double date. Might take the pressure off them, plus...
We can keep an eye on things.

Speaker 11 Excellent. And I'll take care of that interfering parrot.

Speaker 19 But what about...

Speaker 6 Sorry, I really wasn't prepared for that last sentence.

Speaker 11 Gotta keep on your toes in here, Chapman.

Speaker 25 Sure have, yeah.

Speaker 6 I was gonna ask how you're gonna get Henry off work long enough for him to see Antigone.

Speaker 11 That's where you come in.

Speaker 6 Oh, I'm helping you, am I?

Speaker 11 Yes, keep up. If you run the hospital, Antigone and the doctor can have a pleasant evening together.
And then maybe she'll bloody well cheer up.

Speaker 12 Can you handle that, Eric?

Speaker 6 As long as I don't have to do any counselling.

Speaker 12 No, just check up, surgery, delivering babies.

Speaker 30 Oh, that's fine, then.

Speaker 6 Oxford education.

Speaker 30 I've got my diploma on me if you want to see it.

Speaker 2 We don't. No, fair enough.

Speaker 12 Okay, gang. It's on.
Let's give those crazy kids the best chance for a great night out.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 11 And then when we're working at full strength again, that idiot Chapman won't know what hit him.

Speaker 2 Yes, I will.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 5 Um.

Speaker 11 Could you put your hands over your ears?

Speaker 2 All right. Then.

Speaker 30 Just this once.

Speaker 7 And so that evening, Georgie took Antigone to the district of Little Piffling and the one restaurant on the island that the funds hadn't been banned from.

Speaker 7 Meeting Jennifer de la Croix, Piffling FM, they took their table outside near the canal and listened to the singing of the gondoliers as they punted back and forth nearby.

Speaker 12 It's amazing that they do this all day.

Speaker 12 The canal's only 12 feet long and they're still counting.

Speaker 6 It's not exactly romantic, but I appreciate the effort.

Speaker 8 What do you reckon, Antigone?

Speaker 9 He's not here yet. Give him time.

Speaker 10 Are we talking about.?

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 22 So, for our listeners, what first attracted you to the millionaire, Henry Edgeworth?

Speaker 9 He's not a millionaire.

Speaker 22 More on the story after a word to our sponsor.

Speaker 12 Uh, Jen, you haven't got your microphone.

Speaker 22 I haven't got a sponsor either, but I know a good story when I hear one.

Speaker 9 Look, I don't want to talk about it. It was a silly idea to come here, and I will not be made a fool of again.

Speaker 2 Antigone!

Speaker 9 He's clearly having second thoughts, and honestly, so am I. So why don't we forget the whole damn thing and Cause you stop singing!

Speaker 22 Perhaps we should order another bread, bus.

Speaker 9 I don't want any bread or a basket. I've been stood up, I'm going home, and that is an end to it.
Antigone?

Speaker 13 Oh,

Speaker 1 I got here as soon as I could.

Speaker 24 I'm not late, am I?

Speaker 12 No, you're ten minutes early. Antigone?

Speaker 9 Yes, I suppose he is, technically.

Speaker 24 I'm surprised he wanted to see me again.

Speaker 9 Well, likewise, but it would have been rude to turn down your invitation.

Speaker 32 Why what?

Speaker 12 So, yeah, guys, let's just sit down and get ourselves comfy. Shall we?

Speaker 2 Shouldn't we get our own table?

Speaker 12 You're sitting here, then we'll order drinks and we'll see what's on the menu.

Speaker 8 It'll be fun.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 7 Jen?

Speaker 12 Oh, oh, aye. Aye, Gritcraft.
Sit down, guys. Let's get this evening started.

Speaker 28 Woohoo!

Speaker 7 But as the two couples began to order their starters, I was on a mission with Rudyard to prevent possible interference from a certain parrot.

Speaker 7 Hello.

Speaker 7 Auckland?

Speaker 11 Picking pockets, stealing keys.

Speaker 11 You'll gain a reputation, Madeline.

Speaker 11 Now hand me that birdcage.

Speaker 10 Oh, uh, of course you can't. Uh

Speaker 10 now

Speaker 13 Esther?

Speaker 11 Esther?

Speaker 10 You're here, aren't you?

Speaker 11 We've not met, but I believe you know my sister

Speaker 11 Esther! Where are you?

Speaker 11 You've been sticking your beak where it's not wanted, Esther.

Speaker 10 No!

Speaker 10 Esther!

Speaker 11 Put down that telephone receiver!

Speaker 11 Esther wants angry! You're phoning around all the restaurants, aren't you? Well, you won't find Antigone tonight. Yes, I will! Yes, I will!

Speaker 11 You may think that leaving threatening messages is the appropriate thing to do, and normally I'd support you. But right now, I need you to be quiet and hop into this cage!

Speaker 6 Get in the cage!

Speaker 13 Vadelin, shut the door quickly!

Speaker 19 They said don't let her get away!

Speaker 10 But it was too late!

Speaker 10 The bird had flown!

Speaker 10 Oh!

Speaker 13 Oh, let her!

Speaker 11 She'll never find them. This island is a whole mile across.

Speaker 17 What is it?

Speaker 7 I was examining the phone book, where Esther had been systematically crossing off the restaurants as she rang them.

Speaker 7 And she'd got to the very last one.

Speaker 11 Zizivar, Italian.

Speaker 13 She knows.

Speaker 11 We've got to get after her.

Speaker 26 Grab the cage.

Speaker 10 No, I'll do it.

Speaker 19 All I'm saying is you've not been very helpful.

Speaker 2 And so I said.

Speaker 2 I said,

Speaker 2 that's not a briefcase. That's my brother-in-law.

Speaker 12 So that's how the joke ends? Yeah.

Speaker 14 But I can't remember the beginning. No.

Speaker 22 Totally meaningless without context, isn't it?

Speaker 12 Still, you tried. Doctor, how about you? Got any jokes?

Speaker 9 Uh, no, not really. I'm Tiggy.
You know how I feel about humour. Sure.

Speaker 12 We don't need jokes to have a good time anyway. Everything's perfect and chill.
Yeah?

Speaker 19 Oh, yes, yes.

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 12 That's why I thought double date, easier, isn't it? People get chain,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 12 Guys?

Speaker 12 Don't leave me hanging, I'm great at this.

Speaker 22 Georgie, maybe you and I should go inside and get more drinks for everyone.

Speaker 32 Why?

Speaker 14 To give these two some privacy.

Speaker 4 Same again, Antigone?

Speaker 9 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Henry?

Speaker 19 Still water, thanks.

Speaker 22 Dan, I'll grab dessert menus too.

Speaker 12 We can all share a Sunday.

Speaker 1 Trying too hard.

Speaker 22 Come on, Georgie.

Speaker 31 God.

Speaker 31 Indeed.

Speaker 9 I thought they'd never leave.

Speaker 24 Finally have a chance to talk together.

Speaker 9 We'd better take the opportunity before they come back.

Speaker 31 Why do you keep looking around?

Speaker 25 In case anyone's having a heart attack, they aren't.

Speaker 31 No.

Speaker 25 You know what parrots can be like.

Speaker 18 Very controlling.

Speaker 31 Like frogs.

Speaker 25 I had a salamander once who used to get furious.

Speaker 2 Yes, well, let's imagine none of that happened.

Speaker 9 What sort of things would we have talked about last night?

Speaker 5 Oh, uh, well,

Speaker 31 all sorts, really.

Speaker 9 Could you start us off?

Speaker 16 Oh.

Speaker 31 Well, I don't know. Uh,

Speaker 29 how are you feeling?

Speaker 9 What do you mean?

Speaker 26 Any aches or pains?

Speaker 19 Any trouble sleeping?

Speaker 9 No, I'm not a patient. I'm your date.

Speaker 25 Yes, sorry. I'm totally out of practice.
Most of the people I speak to only want to talk about their illness.

Speaker 10 Well,

Speaker 9 most people I talk to are dead, so they're doing better than I am.

Speaker 25 You talk to the dead.

Speaker 9 I was joking.

Speaker 9 But also,

Speaker 9 yes, I do sometimes.

Speaker 23 Right.

Speaker 9 It's not a problem, is it?

Speaker 25 As a doctor, I'd have to say yes, but I don't want to spoil our evening.

Speaker 9 I mean,

Speaker 9 you must talk to your patients all the time, like Mrs. Moribund.
I've been working on her lately.

Speaker 25 I thought I recognized the dress.

Speaker 9 Her intestines were in a terrible state. All tangled up like linguine.

Speaker 9 But that's path of the course in my profession.

Speaker 16 Yes.

Speaker 9 But what I find especially rewarding is trying to guess what they were like. Sad, lonely, neglected, that sort of thing.
Like Mrs. Moribund.
Very timid, I'd have thought.

Speaker 2 No, she was an abulliant personality with a joke for every occasion.

Speaker 25 I only wish I could have saved her.

Speaker 9 Of course.

Speaker 9 I'm sure you did what you could.

Speaker 9 It comes to us all in the end, though.

Speaker 25 I try not to think about that.

Speaker 9 But aren't you curious about what happens afterwards?

Speaker 23 No.

Speaker 9 Not curious.

Speaker 31 Should I be?

Speaker 9 It's the greatest mystery we ever face.

Speaker 24 My whole life is devoted to keeping people alive.

Speaker 25 I've no reason to want to talk about death, have I?

Speaker 31 No.

Speaker 15 No, I suppose not.

Speaker 25 A dead body for me is a professional failure.

Speaker 24 Tragedy I couldn't prevent. I appreciate your work, of course.

Speaker 9 You wouldn't ever want to talk about it.

Speaker 25 Perhaps this was a bad idea.

Speaker 25 Yes, perhaps it was.

Speaker 24 I was so embarrassed after last night, I'd half a mind to stay away, but when I got your invitation this afternoon, my invitation.

Speaker 9 But you invited me.

Speaker 24 No, I didn't. You invited me.

Speaker 15 Didn't you? No.

Speaker 15 So.

Speaker 9 Who did?

Speaker 13 We're back!

Speaker 8 And we come bearing drinks.

Speaker 12 Here's your water, Doc. Afraid the only one's sparkling.

Speaker 31 Oh, no, that's not me at all.

Speaker 9 Never mind the sodding water. Neither of us invited the other, so what are we doing here?

Speaker 31 Eric gave me your message.

Speaker 9 He said you were shy. I'm incredibly shy! But I didn't give him a message.
What's he got to do with this? Look, Eric was just trying to have a... You knew about it, too.

Speaker 9 Good God, is there anyone who wasn't involved in this conspiracy?

Speaker 8 Me, actually. And I am offended.

Speaker 9 Was this evening nothing more than a set-up?

Speaker 22 Look, this hasn't gone to town, so let's have our drinks and leave quietly.

Speaker 12 There's no need for any more dramas.

Speaker 9 Red yard! Antigone is awful! Antigone is awful!

Speaker 9 Oh, God!

Speaker 13 Esther!

Speaker 10 Amazing!

Speaker 8 What a story! I want exclusivity on that parent.

Speaker 8 Don't worry, I'm taking it!

Speaker 8 Esther Mouse Meggry! How's your day? Esther was nicely!

Speaker 8 Get in the cage!

Speaker 2 There!

Speaker 2 You're a parrot, Doctor!

Speaker 26 Oh, dear Esther.

Speaker 23 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 10 Now then, let's get this evening back on track.

Speaker 11 Is everyone having a pleasant time?

Speaker 15 Antigone? Shut up!

Speaker 9 You, Georgie Chapman. What gave any of you the right to interfere in my private life?

Speaker 12 We were trying to make you happy.

Speaker 13 Yes, and you might be a little more grateful.

Speaker 9 I don't need you to make me happy, and I certainly don't need your pity. You know how embarrassing this is.

Speaker 12 Mate,

Speaker 9 we're sorry. How dare you do this to me? Oh, bloody.

Speaker 9 Bloody dare you.

Speaker 31 Antigone.

Speaker 31 Oh,

Speaker 13 dear. I don't understand it.

Speaker 11 No matter what we do, she keeps getting angrier.

Speaker 12 At least things can't get any worse.

Speaker 10 Up, man's having a heart attack.

Speaker 19 Oh, thank God.

Speaker 23 Something I'm good at.

Speaker 25 Do excuse me.

Speaker 26 Clear the way.

Speaker 32 Find the doctor.

Speaker 13 Well,

Speaker 12 Rudyard, it's time for us to face the music.

Speaker 11 Antigone, you mean?

Speaker 26 Yes, I suppose so.

Speaker 8 Well, we ought to pay the bill first.

Speaker 13 Oh.

Speaker 6 I haven't got any money.

Speaker 8 Oh, nor have I.

Speaker 10 Hm.

Speaker 10 Sir, I don't suppose.

Speaker 15 Yes, all right.

Speaker 17 Leave it with me.

Speaker 7 And so, after Rudyard had persuaded me to pay the bill for them, we left Little Piffling to find Antigone.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 9 Oh, hello, Chapman. Been out?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Coming home from my spell at the hospital.

Speaker 9 Busy?

Speaker 30 A couple of heart transplants, nothing much.

Speaker 6 Dr. Redware came back a few moments ago.
Since Spratz has reopened, so he'll be back to the grind again.

Speaker 27 I heard what happened tonight.

Speaker 25 I'm sorry.

Speaker 10 It was horrible.

Speaker 9 I wanted to sink into the ground and

Speaker 9 rot.

Speaker 6 I should have known it was a bad idea as soon as Rudyard got involved.

Speaker 10 But.

Speaker 6 Oh, I thought you and Henry deserved to make a proper go of it.

Speaker 9 Turns out he and I have nothing to say to each other.

Speaker 10 Ah.

Speaker 6 Maybe he's not right for you.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 6 only you can answer that.

Speaker 9 Someone who appreciates me and my work.

Speaker 9 I can talk to about corpses whenever I like.

Speaker 6 It's everything else.

Speaker 9 Exactly. The world is a problem.

Speaker 27 The world is the problem.

Speaker 6 I should change. Antigone,

Speaker 6 you don't need to do that.

Speaker 6 You stay stay exactly the way you are. The world can do the changing for you.

Speaker 9 I meant out of this dress.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 27 Well, yes, that's what I was saying.

Speaker 19 So long as it's on your own terms. You know.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 Thank you. Yeah, no worries.
Hey!

Speaker 4 Here they come.

Speaker 9 Time to get it over with.

Speaker 30 What do you mean?

Speaker 9 The rest of our lives.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 12 Hey, Antigone.

Speaker 10 Eric. Evening.

Speaker 6 Antigone.

Speaker 10 I am.

Speaker 11 Georgie and I would like to extend to you,

Speaker 10 Antigone,

Speaker 10 our

Speaker 11 sincerest and most deeply held.

Speaker 9 Look, if this is going to take long, can we go home first before we freeze to death?

Speaker 12 That's fair.

Speaker 8 Or Jar can make the cocoa.

Speaker 11 No, Madeline, no sugar for you.

Speaker 12 Good night, Chapman.

Speaker 6 Enjoy yourselves.

Speaker 9 And

Speaker 9 thanks

Speaker 9 for the conversation.

Speaker 6 No problem, Antigone.

Speaker 27 No problem at all.

Speaker 8 A Match Made in Piffling was written by David K.

Speaker 8 Barnes and performed by Felix Trench as Radiard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Andy Hamilton as Herbert Koff, David K. Barnes as Dr.

Speaker 8 Edgware, Alana Ross as Jennifer Delacroix, Lucy Farrett as Esther, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with Mouse Squeaking by Holly Campbell.

Speaker 8 The production manager was Elizabeth Campbell and the music was composed by James Whittle.

Speaker 8 The programme was recorded at the Octagon, Brixton, and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 4 The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Speaker 3 You're juggling a lot. Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family, and now you're thinking about grad school? That's not crazy.
That's ambitious.

Speaker 3 At American Public University, we respect the hustle and we're built for it. Our flexible online master's programs are made for real life because big dreams deserve a real path.

Speaker 3 Learn more about APU's 40-plus career-relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu. APU, built for the hustle.