Season 4 Episode 3: The Big Cheese

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Speaker 5 Madeline lives in a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. It used to be the only one.
It isn't anymore.

Speaker 7 Yes, that's right.

Speaker 5 This one's all about me.

Speaker 5 Being a mouse of some humility, I never dreamed I might become a celebrity. But when fame comes knocking at one's door, one really has no choice but to answer, has one?

Speaker 9 Wooden Overcoats, created by David K. Barnes, Season 4, Episode 3.
The Big Cheese by Tom Crowley.

Speaker 5 I'll need to give you some background before we can get to the good stuff, with me in it. Don't worry, this won't take long.

Speaker 5 You see, the whole community had gathered at the village hall for a very special occasion, and Sid Marlow was taking advantage of the buffet.

Speaker 10 What a spread, Eric!

Speaker 11 Burgers and chips together at last! Thanks, Sid.

Speaker 12 You covering the action tonight? What action?

Speaker 10 Oh,

Speaker 10 grilled onions!

Speaker 13 Have you ever seen the like?

Speaker 12 I meant the event.

Speaker 14 Rudyard's opening his Piffling archive tonight. I mean, that's why you're here, isn't it?

Speaker 13 Eric boy, I'll let you into a little trick of the journalism trade. If you can smell free food, there's a story to be found.

Speaker 15 That's how they broke the Water World scandal.

Speaker 14 You mean Watergate?

Speaker 17 There's a sequel.

Speaker 14 Hello.

Speaker 12 Look, aren't you going to interview anybody or take some pictures or something?

Speaker 11 Well, if you like.

Speaker 5 Oi! Rogiov! Yes?

Speaker 13 Give us a smile.

Speaker 19 What are you trying to do? Blind me?

Speaker 3 Right, Madman.

Speaker 20 You can't spoil my moment.

Speaker 15 My triumph!

Speaker 21 Once that curtain is drawn aside, they'll all see the extent of my labours.

Speaker 19 I've played a fundamental role in the legacy of Piffling Vale.

Speaker 24 They'll remember me for years.

Speaker 19 Generations!

Speaker 25 They'll be immortal!

Speaker 19 Yes, these crisps are going to my head.

Speaker 26 What are they?

Speaker 16 Ready salts!

Speaker 26 No wonder I'm light-headed.

Speaker 27 Hey there, sir.

Speaker 28 Fab party.

Speaker 14 How are you feeling?

Speaker 3 Fine.

Speaker 29 Georgie, fine.

Speaker 30 Antigone? I've had a behind Zachary and I'm thrilled.

Speaker 22 So you should be.

Speaker 19 Just wait until you see the treasures waiting behind that curtain.

Speaker 30 A curtain? This is so exciting.

Speaker 19 No peeking. You'll have to wait for the unveiling, same as everyone else.

Speaker 30 It may just be the bananas talking, Roger, but I think I'm feeling...

Speaker 17 proud of you.

Speaker 19 I'll take straight yourself.

Speaker 5 Yes, sir.

Speaker 31 Look at you.

Speaker 32 Got your own project in a wing I never knew existed. What was it before?

Speaker 21 Absolutely chock full of old fax machines and spiders.

Speaker 17 Hmm, spiders.

Speaker 19 I don't think anything anything can ruin this moment for me.

Speaker 16 Not even.

Speaker 15 Ahoy, funds!

Speaker 8 Fancy art, dog! Don't!

Speaker 17 I mean, Chapman!

Speaker 9 Love the barbecue, Eric.

Speaker 32 Have to say, you did good.

Speaker 12 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 14 Well, how's the man of the hour?

Speaker 16 I don't know.

Speaker 12 How are you, Chapman?

Speaker 20 I.

Speaker 28 I meant you, Rudyard.

Speaker 14 Oh.

Speaker 33 You actually did, didn't you?

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 21 And you've kept yourself off the streets and out of trouble.

Speaker 19 Top work. Don't patronize me.

Speaker 30 He's got a point, Rudyard.

Speaker 32 I haven't seen you hanging out by those skips for a while, sooking on a Sherbet stroll, gazing at nothing.

Speaker 30 I got the door has been asking questions.

Speaker 19 That's enough of that.

Speaker 3 I am content, chapman.

Speaker 20 Thank you for asking.

Speaker 19 I'm not going to have any of these colourful drinks, but I appreciate your supplying them. My pleasure.

Speaker 20 More soda?

Speaker 34 Oh, shaw.

Speaker 15 And for Madeline, a small paloma.

Speaker 15 Hello, everybody. And it's me in

Speaker 15 the man. My ascendancy awaits.

Speaker 36 Thank you all for coming to the opening of the Piffling Vale Archive Annex.

Speaker 38 Today, we recognize the tireless work and research of local underachiever

Speaker 26 Radyard Fun, without whose diligent work and strange interest in old invoices, this project could never have started.

Speaker 39 And so, I hereby declare this archive open.

Speaker 33 Hold the curve in George. Aye, aye.

Speaker 33 Kiffling!

Speaker 33 Behold!

Speaker 33 Your history!

Speaker 33 Is that it?

Speaker 22 What do you mean, is that it?

Speaker 2 That's history!

Speaker 2 Where? Oh, open your eyes!

Speaker 22 Look!

Speaker 22 What would you call this?

Speaker 39 An old mop?

Speaker 22 But not just any old mop. This old mop belonged to our 49th mayor, Godfrey de Pifling.
And you'll notice that it's scarcely been used.

Speaker 22 Which I think you'll find tells us a great deal about Godfrey's housekeeping habits.

Speaker 35 Do we need to know about those?

Speaker 21 We need to know everything.

Speaker 22 The smallest detail is often the most important.

Speaker 29 No, it's not.

Speaker 22 Yes, it is. For example, the mop led me to our next exhibit.
This antique toilet dating to 1895.

Speaker 11 Does it still flash?

Speaker 12 I think that answers your question.

Speaker 33 Now, I wouldn't mind using the history for a moment, if nobody else has to go.

Speaker 22 Don't touch the exhibits.

Speaker 22 With the toilet came this early plunger, constructed out of oak and horse leather by a local craftsman whose name was...

Speaker 22 unknown.

Speaker 29 What about the stacks of toilet rolls?

Speaker 22 Overspill from the supply cupboard. But, if left unused, these two will become history for your children and your children's children, children.

Speaker 17 I don't know about this. I don't think it's.

Speaker 15 The archive is somewhat sparse, Rantiard.

Speaker 26 Don't we have any suits of armor or some pictures to look at?

Speaker 39 It's a work in progress.

Speaker 38 History takes time.

Speaker 22 And you haven't seen the Piesta Resistance yet. The best part of six months of research.

Speaker 17 What, that book?

Speaker 39 Yes!

Speaker 22 This book! Containing records of all the major leaks and blockages of the Piffling Vale sewer system from 1800 to 1981.

Speaker 22 If you really want to know a place,

Speaker 22 you'd better start with the plumbing.

Speaker 22 How about that?

Speaker 16 That's disgusting and boring.

Speaker 26 Yeah, I want my money back.

Speaker 24 You didn't pay anything.

Speaker 19 Give me some money!

Speaker 39 Well, at least we can all agree the project is worth spending thousands of pounds of your taxes on.

Speaker 25 Thousands of pounds of taxes.

Speaker 39 I pay my taxes, I'll have you.

Speaker 2 They disagree.

Speaker 27 You, Philistines, you've never had it so good. I'll take it from here, Rudyard.

Speaker 16 Okay, okay, okay, everyone.

Speaker 35 This might seem underwhelming, but this is our history.

Speaker 35 Rudyard's doing some really important work here, and we should encourage him to keep going so that in years to come, when we're all looking back at this mighty archive,

Speaker 17 how about Tequila Shots?

Speaker 21 Right, let's get this barbecue back on.

Speaker 36 Rudyard, give us a hand with the grill, quickly.

Speaker 20 Uh um this button?

Speaker 28 Oh dear.

Speaker 6 I'm on fire!

Speaker 6 God!

Speaker 6 Turn and roll Eric!

Speaker 28 They did! Georgie do, said they!

Speaker 6 Oh, help someone!

Speaker 5 Please! And this is where I came in.

Speaker 5 I'd been topping up my drink when disaster struck. The crowd was panicking, Eric was blazing, and it fell to one mouse to be the hero.
So I snapped into action.

Speaker 24 I jumped onto the soda nozzle.

Speaker 5 I swung it round at Eric with every ounce of my strength, and I squeezed for all I was worth.

Speaker 5 The flames! They're going out!

Speaker 33 Oh, thank God.

Speaker 15 Oh, thank God that was close.

Speaker 28 Eric, are you alive?

Speaker 15 Yes.

Speaker 14 Yeah, yes, I think so. My iHeart, the chef apron, seems to to have taken the worst of it.

Speaker 11 Thank heavens who survived.

Speaker 15 Yes, thank heavens.

Speaker 33 But who fired that sudden gun?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Who was it?

Speaker 29 Who saved our beautiful chapman?

Speaker 5 And then their assembled heads turned towards me, their faces brightening as one in surprise and delight.

Speaker 34 It was the mouse.

Speaker 25 The mouse is a hero.

Speaker 6 Madeline! A madman! Hooray!

Speaker 2 Madeline!

Speaker 2 You did it, Madeline! What an age!

Speaker 18 Oh, Madeline, you saved my life!

Speaker 22 If we could just recall the purpose of tonight's gathering.

Speaker 21 I'm breaking out the cheese course early. Free Brovolone all round in honor of Madeline!

Speaker 6 Yay!

Speaker 6 Madeline! Madeline!

Speaker 5 Madeline! They carried me aloft to the cheese trolley, chanting my name. My head was spinning.
The attention was intoxicating.

Speaker 5 And out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rudyard returning his sewage book to the dusty shelves of the archive.

Speaker 32 That was fun. Especially a bit when Eric was running around on fire.
That must have cheered you up, eh, sir?

Speaker 30 Radyard?

Speaker 30 I'm sorry I didn't like your archive. But once you move beyond the sewage pipes, I'm sure you'll win them round.

Speaker 18 But it's not about them.

Speaker 18 What's the use?

Speaker 20 You go on ahead.

Speaker 18 I'm just going to

Speaker 18 keep to myself for a while.

Speaker 32 By these skips. What?

Speaker 20 Oh,

Speaker 20 yes.

Speaker 18 I suppose.

Speaker 32 Fine.

Speaker 30 If that's what you want,

Speaker 30 we'll just

Speaker 32 leave you to it.

Speaker 32 Madeline?

Speaker 30 If you're sure, we'll save you some of this rock for.

Speaker 10 Cross?

Speaker 20 I'm not cross.

Speaker 20 Never cross.

Speaker 18 But if you recall, it was supposed to be my big night.

Speaker 18 No, I didn't expect you to let him burn, but

Speaker 18 it was my first chance to stand in the limelight.

Speaker 18 And thanks to you, it was overshadowed by Eric Chapman's life being saved.

Speaker 18 No, no, no need to apologise.

Speaker 10 It's done now.

Speaker 18 Look, just go eat some cheese.

Speaker 18 That's not offensive.

Speaker 19 I didn't mean generally. I meant there is literally cheese waiting for you at home.
So go eat it.

Speaker 18 I'm going to stay up and have some sherbet.

Speaker 20 Alone, if you don't mind.

Speaker 5 Leaving a disconsolate Ruddyard by the skips to suck a sherbet straw in peace, I scampered home and settled into bed.

Speaker 5 I found myself reliving the night's exciting events,

Speaker 5 with the adrenaline still coursing through my veins, though I also felt bad for eclipsing Ruddyard so completely.

Speaker 5 I woke up very late and very suddenly when the morning brought a knock at the skirting board.

Speaker 31 Hey, Madeline, wake up!

Speaker 32 You'll never guess what.

Speaker 30 Sid Marlow's here. He wants to interview you for the paper.

Speaker 26 There she is, the mouse of the hour.

Speaker 40 Hope you don't mind me turning up like this, only I've got to get in ahead of the competition.

Speaker 32 What competition?

Speaker 26 Your blinking girlfriend, a Pifflin FM.

Speaker 40 She's She's always one step ahead with an exclusive. I heard she's got a magic wand that teleports news stories directly into the air.

Speaker 32 You mean a microphone?

Speaker 6 Shh.

Speaker 40 Speak not the name of the dark thing.

Speaker 30 I'm sure Madeline wouldn't mind a quick interview.

Speaker 16 Terrific.

Speaker 40 Right, Madeline, pull up a paperweight, make yourself comfortable.

Speaker 2 To kick off,

Speaker 40 would you say what you experienced last night was an epic call to action or a startling moment of heroic clarity?

Speaker 32 What have you got?

Speaker 17 Squeak. Squeak, squeak.
God, this is powerful.

Speaker 29 Georgie, you're meant to be picking up Mr. Butterworth and he's getting dead about the minute.

Speaker 40 Oi, keep the noise down. I'm trying to do an interview here.

Speaker 20 An interview?

Speaker 19 Well, nobody told me about an interview.

Speaker 32 You see, Sid wanted to come round and talk to me.

Speaker 20 Say no more, Georgie.

Speaker 19 I'm fully prepared to tell the complete and definitive story of the Piffling Archive project.

Speaker 2 Now, you're all right.

Speaker 6 Hmm.

Speaker 19 Well, thank you for the compliment, but I don't understand.

Speaker 30 Mr. Marlowe is here to write about Madeline's bravery last night.
Isn't that nice, Rajard?

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 20 Of course.

Speaker 17 Yes.

Speaker 19 Are you, um...

Speaker 21 Planning to mention the archive in your story at all?

Speaker 2 Certainly.

Speaker 40 Wind your earlobes around this. Madeline's act of selfless bravery took place at the village hall last night during an event.

Speaker 19 Well, that's all.

Speaker 40 I was gonna go with during a dull event, but I was trying to be impartial.

Speaker 20 Oh, thank you very much.

Speaker 40 But now that you mention it, dull event does read better. Lends it some colour.

Speaker 21 Cheers, Roger.

Speaker 19 No, you never say anything in that rag about our fine service and professional excellence.

Speaker 14 When did you start doing that?

Speaker 29 Ah, Georgie, dead man outside.

Speaker 32 On it.

Speaker 14 Hello? Oh, excuse me, Georgie.

Speaker 32 Sorry, Eric can't talk. Dead man.

Speaker 35 I've assumed she was referring to someone else.

Speaker 19 Yes, that's right. You're still alive.

Speaker 14 What a blessing. Isn't it?

Speaker 35 Morning, Sid.

Speaker 39 This way, Eric, boy.

Speaker 16 We'll do the photo over here.

Speaker 15 Photo. Now, look here.

Speaker 41 And I got something for Madeline to say thank you.

Speaker 8 A tiny bouquet of flowers.

Speaker 14 I wasn't sure if you had a vase, so I put them in an upturned toothpaste cap.

Speaker 2 That's the lead photo for sure.

Speaker 40 You sit next to Madeline.

Speaker 2 Lift up that bouquet. Say cheese.
Cheese.

Speaker 19 Now look here, this is a place of serious and somber work. You can't just march over here for a photo opportunity without seeking our permission.

Speaker 30 I gave them permission, Roger. You did what? Mr.
Marlowe asked if he could have a picture of Madeline and Chapman together in the shop, and I said he could.

Speaker 30 But why? Because it's a nice thing, Rajard. It's a nice thing for Madeline, and by extension, it's a nice thing for us, too.

Speaker 11 Listen to you.

Speaker 21 You never liked nice things before.

Speaker 33 Yes? Hey, Roger. Lovely morning.
What do you want?

Speaker 12 We'd like to get Madeline's autograph.

Speaker 33 You probably don't know this about us, but we're autograph hunters. You are?

Speaker 12 We are. My best one's Felicity Kendall.

Speaker 5 I'm Slobodan Milosevic.

Speaker 3 Oh, dear.

Speaker 12 So, how about it? Could we see her for a moment?

Speaker 15 She's busy.

Speaker 15 We've traveled for a poor prince.

Speaker 11 Come away, Tanya. Tygani, this is getting ridiculous.

Speaker 30 You're ridiculous.

Speaker 40 Oi-oi-oi-oi, do you mind? I am trying to run a shoot here. Okay, let's do another one.

Speaker 36 And this time, Eric, try slinging your jacket over your shoulder.

Speaker 39 Oh, like this?

Speaker 2 Yeah, foot up on the stool, that's it.

Speaker 21 Look, for the last time, this is not the folly berger.

Speaker 22 So will you all quit

Speaker 10 now? Look here.

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 19 Madeline, I think it's for you. Somebody is squeaking down the other end.

Speaker 30 Here, let's put the receiver down on the. Let go, Regard.

Speaker 2 On the counter,

Speaker 2 there.

Speaker 30 Will that do, Madeline?

Speaker 5 Yes, perhaps it's best if I translate this bit for you.

Speaker 5 It was a call from my publisher. Madeline!

Speaker 5 Babe, hi, it's Gloria from Random Mouse. Gloria?

Speaker 28 Hello?

Speaker 5 What can I do for you?

Speaker 7 Have you seen Whisker today?

Speaker 6 No, sorry, I don't really do social media.

Speaker 28 Well, you are all over it like fuzz on a chin chiller.

Speaker 7 Your tale of Daring Doe has really captured the public's imagination.

Speaker 6 Gosh.

Speaker 6 Really?

Speaker 7 Here be a deer. Fetch us another goudalate.

Speaker 7 Yeah, you may be familiar with Mr. Mittens.

Speaker 7 He's an influencer Chihuahua from Arizona. He shared the story to his 30 million followers and it just kept blowing up from there.

Speaker 28 Oh, I would.

Speaker 7 And let me tell you, pre-orders of your fourth book are through the roof. Sunday Times bestseller, here

Speaker 17 we come.

Speaker 17 Anyway, I just wanted to tell you, we're all getting Madeline fever here at the office. I'll ring back when Hollywood calls.

Speaker 6 Ciao for now.

Speaker 6 Wow, it's all happening so quickly.

Speaker 4 Are we done?

Speaker 5 Yes, you can hang up.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 6 Uh.

Speaker 20 Thank you.

Speaker 17 Wrapping up, Madeline.

Speaker 40 The question on everybody's lips.

Speaker 27 Stilton or Red Leicester?

Speaker 40 Controversial.

Speaker 27 Right.

Speaker 26 I've got everything I need.

Speaker 19 Oh, good. You'll be on your way then.

Speaker 40 You can say that again.

Speaker 17 Story of the century.

Speaker 40 My meeting with the hero mouse by Sidney J.J. Marler.

Speaker 23 Yep, that's great.

Speaker 17 I can taste that pulitzer from here.

Speaker 15 The The door, out you go.

Speaker 33 Cheers, Madeline. And on behalf of the whole village, thank you for your brave and noble action.

Speaker 29 Now's for you, Chapman.

Speaker 27 Chapman?

Speaker 30 He left already. You were too busy glaring at Madeline to notice.
What's the matter with you? Nothing.

Speaker 22 I just wish the people would have some perspective, that's all.

Speaker 30 You're jealous. I am not.
Yes, you are. You're positively green.

Speaker 3 You can talk.

Speaker 30 It's a condition.

Speaker 21 Yes, I'm pleased for you, Madeline.

Speaker 30 But but what, Rajad? Haven't you noticed how many people are coming to the door today?

Speaker 30 Even Even if you can't find it in your heart to be proud of Madeline, can't you at least see how good this could be for the business?

Speaker 23 Oh, ho, I see.

Speaker 22 Anything to get one over on the competition.

Speaker 21 You make me sick.

Speaker 30 Are you joking?

Speaker 17 What is it now?

Speaker 33 Hello, only me, just here to iron out the details of Madeline's award ceremony tomorrow. Can I come in to what you like? I'm going out.

Speaker 28 Oh, my.

Speaker 38 Was it something I said?

Speaker 33 Yes!

Speaker 28 Oh.

Speaker 5 The mayor and I agreed on the details for the ceremony. It was your standard have-ag-o-hero affair, he said.
Key to the village, a couple of funny anecdotes, and then off to the pub.

Speaker 5 While this had all been so thrilling, I confess I felt a little overwhelmed, and somewhat awkward, and even.

Speaker 5 Yes, I'll say it.

Speaker 5 Angry at Rudya's resentment.

Speaker 5 There was only one person who could understand what I was going through, and I knew he could provide a stiff drink, too.

Speaker 20 Hello?

Speaker 14 Oh, Madeline, it's one of you to pop by. I don't mind me just packing down the bar.
Won't be long now till I wind it up for good.

Speaker 14 Oh, ho.

Speaker 21 Well, there are still plenty of bottles left.

Speaker 14 I'm sure I could mix something up for the mouse that saved my life. How about a Long Island iced tea with two shots of espresso and a single sprig of thyme? A long time ago.

Speaker 14 After 30 minutes, the espresso kicks in and you shake like a paint mixer.

Speaker 14 So, how's life as a local hero?

Speaker 14 I'm sad to hear that.

Speaker 16 Why?

Speaker 14 I should have known it might have been about him.

Speaker 3 Hmm?

Speaker 14 Oh, I took a correspondence course in Mouse a few years ago. Usual story, trying to impress a vet, but she wasn't having it, she was married to her work.

Speaker 14 And a man from Barnstable, but that's another story.

Speaker 3 Cheers.

Speaker 14 I've had that feeling. Some people think being popular makes things easier.
And yes, a lot of the time it does, but it can take its toll all the same.

Speaker 14 Gosh, I remember the first autograph I ever signed.

Speaker 11 I thought it was a bit much.

Speaker 14 I mean, I was only playing at a national league level, not premier, though I had also just delivered their baby.

Speaker 14 Well, it's not all roses and children being named after you.

Speaker 14 The people here in Piffling welcomed me with open arms, but once you've been embraced like that, that's not just acceptance, it's a commitment.

Speaker 14 To help them when help is needed, to put your own feelings aside when other people need you, even when you'd rather just go away and hide somewhere.

Speaker 41 Again.

Speaker 14 Oh, nothing, nothing. But uh, what I mean is, when everyone sees you as the one who makes things all right, it's it's tough when you're the one in need and you find yourself alone.

Speaker 14 But the other day when that happened to me,

Speaker 20 I wasn't.

Speaker 14 Thanks to you.

Speaker 14 Come on, let's have another round and forget all our troubles. How about it?

Speaker 14 All right. Now, what next? Uh, Fuzzy Nazil? I suppose you've already got one of those.

Speaker 5 Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. And if the drinks are on the house, that doesn't hurt either.

Speaker 5 By the time I returned to fun funerals, I was feeling somewhat merry, shall we say. And I was in for a big surprise.

Speaker 32 How's it looking?

Speaker 30 Left a smidgen?

Speaker 30 Yes, that'll do, Georgie.

Speaker 30 It's an excellent likeness. You've really captured her ears.

Speaker 32 Ah, I'm great at carving affiges of my friends. This ought to bring them in, eh?

Speaker 30 Madeline, you're back. Where have you been?

Speaker 8 Well, that's lovely.

Speaker 30 Now, take a look at this.

Speaker 5 I followed her pointing finger and gazed up at the sign for fun funerals

Speaker 5 to see an image of me in its place.

Speaker 28 I couldn't believe it.

Speaker 5 There I was, front and centre of the place I'd called home for all these years.

Speaker 32 You deserve it, mate. A proper tribute.

Speaker 30 As long as you're happy having your portrait up there, I could always change it to a different mouth.

Speaker 10 Phew.

Speaker 32 I was bluffing. I can't do any of the mice.

Speaker 43 What's all the commotion?

Speaker 43 It's nearly ten o'clock. We should all have been in bed hours ago.

Speaker 20 Oh, you're back, are you?

Speaker 18 You've been drinking, I see.

Speaker 20 Your ears are drooping.

Speaker 30 Budget, don't ruin the moment. One moment.

Speaker 19 You wake me up in the middle of the evening and.

Speaker 18 What's happened to the sign?

Speaker 32 We changed it. I can see that.

Speaker 20 Why wasn't I informed?

Speaker 30 Because you were soaking in your room all day, so I took the decision on behalf of the company.

Speaker 20 You approve? No, I don't. There's nothing wrong with the old sign.

Speaker 32 It's out of date. It still has by appointment to Emperor Napoleon across the top.

Speaker 19 What is it about people and changing things? Let's change this, let's change that. We've been breathing oxygen for years.

Speaker 29 Why don't we switch to Mercury?

Speaker 30 It's because the sign has Madeline on it, isn't it?

Speaker 19 No, but some flash-in-the-pan publicity cannot replace the centuries of dedicated work that our family.

Speaker 20 Roger!

Speaker 30 We've had three new clients today already. And can you guess why they came to us for their funerals?

Speaker 8 Because. No.

Speaker 30 It's because of Madeline. They saw her picture on the cover of the evening paper.
The article told them that she lived with us. And so they came to us to do business.

Speaker 18 So you turned her into a cheap mascot.

Speaker 30 So we gave her pride of place on the front of our home.

Speaker 30 Oh, let's go inside.

Speaker 30 Thanks for staying on, Georgie. See you tomorrow.

Speaker 32 Yep, best be getting on home.

Speaker 32 See you, Madeline.

Speaker 32 Son.

Speaker 41 No, it doesn't bother me.

Speaker 18 I've got more important things to concern myself with.

Speaker 18 It is a decent likeness, I suppose.

Speaker 18 Especially the ears.

Speaker 18 So,

Speaker 18 tomorrow's the big day, is it?

Speaker 18 The ceremony in your honour.

Speaker 18 All those people looking at you?

Speaker 18 You're probably not used to it.

Speaker 18 The pressure, I mean.

Speaker 18 Hmm.

Speaker 18 Look, I'll tell you what. If it's getting too much, just for you,

Speaker 18 I can put the old sign back up. It'd be no trouble.

Speaker 19 I am not jealous. I'm pleased for you, but you must admit all this carry-on is going entirely over the top.

Speaker 19 It has nothing to do with my relative lack of popularity and don't bring appreciation into it either. Remember, I do just as much for you as you do for me.

Speaker 18 Don't give me that look.

Speaker 19 Name one occasion when I couldn't have handled things without you.

Speaker 29 Oh, sure.

Speaker 19 Drag up Easter again. Cash that in when it suits you.
Well, let me tell you now, don't flatter yourself. It was not a catastrophe.
It was a minor calamity at worse.

Speaker 19 I was the one who untied the Reverend before the crucifix fell, and don't you forget it? Quite frankly, I didn't need you then, and I don't think I ever have done. So there!

Speaker 19 Did I?

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 20 Yes, I meant it. Otherwise,

Speaker 20 I wouldn't have said it, would I?

Speaker 20 Fine.

Speaker 20 Well,

Speaker 20 good night.

Speaker 20 What?

Speaker 20 Oh, of course.

Speaker 5 I stormed into my mousehole, fuming. My nerves were jangled, my stomach was churning, my ears felt hot.
I just had to express my feelings.

Speaker 5 So I sat myself down at my typewriter and hammered at the keys for all I was worth long into the night.

Speaker 5 The following day, the people of Piffling gathered outside the village hall, but the main attraction was nowhere to be seen.

Speaker 3 Where is that mouse?

Speaker 24 I've got a hungry readership to feed, and I'm not going to be satisfied with the flipping crossword.

Speaker 39 Oh, really? I rather like this morning.

Speaker 17 Well, there was only one clue, and it was your name.

Speaker 6 Was it?

Speaker 2 Madeline!

Speaker 6 Where are ya?

Speaker 30 Georgie, I'm worried. Didn't see her at breakfast?

Speaker 32 No. I left out a usual crouton and jumbo no no sign.

Speaker 19 Maybe she's grown tired of the pomp and circumstance like the rest of us.

Speaker 30 Bajard, aren't you the least bit concerned?

Speaker 15 No, Madeline can take care of herself.

Speaker 32 She's only a few inches tall.

Speaker 19 And a tail of the hun was under five foot. What's your point?

Speaker 32 Right, right, blimey, sole point.

Speaker 15 There's a lot of people out there, and in my experience, when a crowd's ready for something marvellous and it doesn't happen, well, we don't want a repeat of the Tamagotchi shortage, do we?

Speaker 3 Oh, that's blood. Yes.

Speaker 15 Still, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Speaker 21 So am I, Daz.

Speaker 3 Eric!

Speaker 28 Hey, everyone.

Speaker 21 I'm surprised to see you here, Rudyard.

Speaker 19 Madeline is a part of fun funerals.

Speaker 21 It's only proper that I should be here to show support.

Speaker 30 And I spent the whole morning reminding you of all the times Madeline's come through for you in the past.

Speaker 8 It's all right.

Speaker 30 A floral tribute, the desert island.

Speaker 39 Yes, yes.

Speaker 32 Fake the seance. Ha!

Speaker 14 Yes, I enjoyed that.

Speaker 35 Anyway, Rudyard, I'm glad to see you here. It'll mean a lot to her to know you came.

Speaker 19 Doubtful notice.

Speaker 19 I'm born.

Speaker 10 Where's Madeline?

Speaker 3 Yeah, we want Madeline!

Speaker 31 We want Madeline.

Speaker 6 We want Madeline. We want...

Speaker 27 Good cruise. You're making demands.

Speaker 27 Behind me.

Speaker 14 Hide me behind Roger. Get your worshipful hands off, madam.

Speaker 32 Please, Madeline, we need you.

Speaker 3 Wait, look.

Speaker 30 There she is upon you.

Speaker 39 And yes, give your mother. Here she is, a very familiar town hero, just as mad and no need for for balance.

Speaker 24 We'll see about that.

Speaker 26 Madeline, in recognition of your selfless act of valour, it is my supreme pleasure as mayor of Piffling Vale to present you with this miniatured key to the village.

Speaker 26 It doesn't open anything, but it's painted gold.

Speaker 30 Mad is my goal, isn't it, isn't he? Roger.

Speaker 19 Madeline's meant to be the star of attraction, not him.

Speaker 17 Over here, Madame.

Speaker 17 Hold that key up. That's nothing.

Speaker 17 What Brissette? I think she's trying to say something.

Speaker 35 Leave it to me. I speak mouse.

Speaker 35 Oh, Madeline has prepared a short speech which she'd like me to read for her.

Speaker 26 Thanks, Madeline.

Speaker 35 Dear friends, I cannot overstate my gratitude for your display of appreciation here today.

Speaker 35 I only did what any one of us would have done in the situation.

Speaker 29 But,

Speaker 26 nevertheless, everybody!

Speaker 21 Everybody, listen, Bill, no offense, it's great to see you, but we are in the middle of something.

Speaker 24 It can't wait.

Speaker 24 It's the most incredible thing.

Speaker 8 You'll never believe it.

Speaker 3 What is it, Bill?

Speaker 25 Miss Scruple's petiguana has just done a backflip

Speaker 22 and it can do it again!

Speaker 6 Let's all keep calm.

Speaker 3 We've got to see this miracle for ourselves.

Speaker 3 Stop, stop!

Speaker 30 The ceremony hasn't finished yet!

Speaker 17 Bill, I want to go and look at the iguana, but this Victorian ghost is blocking the way.

Speaker 19 Antigone, let her pass.

Speaker 30 Surely you can wait a few minutes. No, I can't.

Speaker 7 I'm a discerning member of the public and I crave content.

Speaker 16 Content!

Speaker 16 Content!

Speaker 2 This is absolutely typical. Look at you.

Speaker 17 You're like magpies.

Speaker 21 The next shiny thing that comes along.

Speaker 19 That mouse saved a man's life. A deeply irritating man, yes.

Speaker 36 But nevertheless, she actually did something, and I, for one, am proud to know her.

Speaker 21 And yet, the second some reptile with a party trick comes along, you're all off like a shot.

Speaker 29 Yes, exactly. Roger gets it.

Speaker 43 We deserve new things.

Speaker 6 What do you say?

Speaker 16 Wait for me.

Speaker 32 Your worship, you can't go with them, you duff mayor.

Speaker 38 I don't want to, Miss Crusoe, but this back-flipping lizard could win us the next election.

Speaker 39 I'm sorry.

Speaker 19 Away they go, pecking away at some other spark in a distraction. Co-ads!

Speaker 35 I'm sorry, Madeline.

Speaker 14 That's the fickle finger of fame for you. One moment it flips your way, and the next flips you off.
Yes, pretty much.

Speaker 30 I suppose that's the end of it.

Speaker 32 Guess we should go home, modeling.

Speaker 14 I think we should hear the end of her speech.

Speaker 18 I say the moment's gone, hasn't it?

Speaker 17 Roger.

Speaker 11 Oh, fine.

Speaker 18 It makes her happy.

Speaker 8 Where was I?

Speaker 3 Ah,

Speaker 2 yes.

Speaker 14 I only did what any one of us would have done in the situation.

Speaker 20 But,

Speaker 14 nevertheless, it is my duty to inform you that I owe it all to one person:

Speaker 14 the person who gave me shelter, who accepted me with open arms, who made me feel that this truly is my home.

Speaker 41 So if you wish to thank me for being a responsible citizen of this village, you must first thank my family at fun funerals.

Speaker 14 And, especially, Rudyard Fun,

Speaker 14 the man who opened his door to me and always will.

Speaker 41 My best friend.

Speaker 30 That was

Speaker 30 beautiful, Madeline.

Speaker 35 Rudyard,

Speaker 16 are you all right there?

Speaker 30 I think he's having too many emotions.

Speaker 43 That's okay, sir.

Speaker 32 You can have all the emotions you want.

Speaker 10 Thank you.

Speaker 32 Let's just pop Madeline in your top pocket there, where she belongs.

Speaker 20 You too, Madeline.

Speaker 20 You too.

Speaker 5 Nestling safe and sound inside Rudyard's top pocket. I realise that being the flavour of the month is quite the experience.
But it's nothing compared to a few good friends.

Speaker 5 It isn't always easy to get on with the ones we love, but I do think it's always worth a go.

Speaker 9 The Big Cheese was written by Tom Crowley and edited by David K. Barnes.

Speaker 9 It was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Sean Baker as The Mayor, Paul Putner as Sid Marlowe, Pip Gladwin as Bill, Emily Stride as Tanya, Rosie Fletcher as Gloria, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with Mouse Squeaking by Holly Campbell.

Speaker 9 Special thanks to Crystal Adaway for the cocktail. The production manager was Elizabeth Campbell, and the music was composed by James Whittle.

Speaker 9 The programme was recorded at the Octagon Brixton and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 42 The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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And now you're thinking about grad school? That's not crazy. That's ambitious.

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