Wooden Overcoats: The Trouble With Rudyard

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with a class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Wooden Overcoats by David K.

Barnes.

The Trouble with Rudyard.

Good morning, fun funerals.

We're not as bad as they say we are.

Antigone, mind speaking.

Antigone,

this is incredibly important.

Roger, where the hell have you been?

We said you might find the milk hours ago.

Who cares about milk?

We've still got some left over from January.

Yes, I hacked a lump out of it in my coffee this morning, but we ought to have milk.

But come, Roger.

I'm not having that argument again with you, Antigone.

Now, listen very carefully.

I need you to get Georgie for me.

Would you do that?

Georgie isn't here, she's with the council.

Well, then you'll have to ring the mayor's office, won't you?

Off you go.

Quickly.

Get her to call me right away.

Wait a moment.

How can I get her to call you when I don't even know where you are?

Improvise.

No!

Tell me where you're calling from.

I can't tell you that.

Why not?

It's a secret.

I can't get Georgie to ring you then, can I?

Damn!

Alright!

But you mustn't repeat this to anyone.

Even Georgie.

Yes, of course, Georgie!

But nobody else.

What about Madam?

Well.

Yes, yes.

If you have to.

What about Bill?

No!

Not Bill!

Who cares about Bill?

He's right here.

Look, just keep it as quiet as you can.

I need Georgie's help because

I have fallen down a well.

You've fallen down a well?

Not so loud.

You've fallen down a well.

That was just the same volume.

Just shut up and listen.

Yes, I have fallen down a well.

You've fallen down a well.

For God's sake, yes, I've fallen down a well.

But if you've fallen down a well, how can you be talking to me right now?

With the telephone.

The well has a telephone?

Yes, the well has a telephone.

But why has the well got a telephone?

To help people who get trapped down the well.

But if you're in a well, shouldn't there be loads of water?

No, if the well was full of water, then the telephone wouldn't work.

Use your brain, Antigone.

Well, it felt like a push, or it could have been a shove.

But who would do something like that to you?

Was that question rhetorical?

Yes.

You're right, it could have been anyone.

But the question is...

How is Georgie going to get me out?

I don't know.

I'll have to ask her.

Finally, yes, do that.

She's great at rescuing people from situations like this.

I remember that time you fell down a mine shaft.

So do I, Roger?

I was the person it happened to.

Yes, but I tell it better.

No.

Look.

Before I go away,

you're not

hurt, are you?

No.

Something broke my fall.

I think it was a Bruno mattress.

A Bruno mattress?

From Bruno's sleep.

No, stop.

We're not going through that again.

Look,

just get off the phone and call Georgie.

Go, go, go.

He's right.

I'm doing it.

Thank you.

That was quick.

Now, look here, Georgie.

Antigone?

Yes.

I was calling the cinema.

What for?

So I could find out out what film they're showing tonight.

It's birthday, Roger.

It's my night.

I don't conceive it.

Just because your day's been ruined doesn't mean mine shall be too.

Antigone, will you get me out of this well?

Why do you have so much best to be?

She knows the answer is no.

Now, now look here.

Yes, Georgie, hello.

Hey, Redard.

Georgie, at at last, where are you?

What's happening?

In fact, what time is it?

I've been down here six hours.

Yeah.

But didn't Antigone call you?

If I've been betrayed again, she won't get away with it.

Sir, relax.

She formed me ages ago.

I'm on it.

In that case, what's the holdup?

I can't suffer this much longer.

I'm getting very cold.

And I'm hungry.

There should be an emergency ration of biscuits under the telephone.

Have a look.

Yep, found them.

Oh.

Wagon wheels.

What are you talking about?

They're great.

Oh.

Marshmar.

Mate, just eat around it.

I'm trying.

I'll just have to grit my teeth and bear it.

You can't grit your teeth and eat at the same time.

It's one or the other.

Now choose.

Okay, fine.

At least I won't starve to death.

Now, how about getting me out of here?

See, here's the thing.

The trouble is that while Antigone was telling me what happened to you, the council couldn't help but overhear the conversation.

Right?

And now they're debating.

Debating?

You mean the best way to rescue me?

More like whether they should help you out or

leave you down there.

What?

They can't do this to me?

I mean, for what it's worth, I think they ought to help you, but I know that's a minority opinion.

I should have realised.

Those

jackanapes.

After all I've done for this village,

I gave that counselor 11 years of my life, and now they're hanging me out to dry.

But mark my words, Georgie.

I will have my revenge.

You've had it before.

Then I'll have it again.

Look, we're not beaten yet, sir.

Someone's fighting your corner, even as we speak.

Is it you?

Even I can't be in two places at the same time, sir.

I bet you can.

You got me.

I'm actually great at being in two places at once, but right now, think of someone closer to home and across the square.

And his name's Eric.

You don't mean Chapman?

He must have an ulterior motive.

That man is always scheming.

Maybe, but he has been speaking on your behalf for over an hour now.

Listen.

You all think I'm lit.

You all think I'm lit.

Well, I'm not licked.

And I'm going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause.

Somebody will listen to me.

He sounds like he's doing terribly.

Nah, he's just quoting loads of old films.

Hey.

They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom.

The mayor's really going for it.

Lady Templar's on the fence?

No.

Now she's broken it.

Outstanding.

So all I can do is just sit back and do nothing.

With my fate hanging in the balance.

Chin up, Rudyard.

I won't let you down.

I'll look on the bright side.

At least everyone's talking about you.

As well, they might.

What's it like down there, anyway?

I've never been down a well before.

You could say I'm well gel.

Stop pulling.

It's

murky and wet.

No, slimy.

The word is slimy.

Oh, brilliant.

You won't go hungry then.

I'm not going to eat slime.

I'd give it a few hours, sir.

Keep your options open.

Oh,

something's happening.

Yep.

Eric's nearly done.

Here I stand in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on.

The cold never bothered me, anyway.

Thank you.

Yep, done.

Gotta run, sir.

What do you think?

Do they look happy?

Merciful.

I'll let you know.

Back in a sec.

Georgie, wait, you can't leave me.

Georgie, I want to find out in real time.

Georgie!

Does nobody care about my feelings?

Now look here, Georgie, what's the verdict?

Oh, hey, Rodjard.

What?

Bill?

Yeah, I just thought I'd ring up and see how you were.

Oh,

well, I'm.

I'm fine, Bill.

Thank you.

Oh, well, I'm glad to hear it.

And how are you?

Yeah.

Well, well, not too bad.

Thanks.

Good!

Good, well, thanks for calling.

I really must get off the line now.

No worries.

Yep.

My goodness sake, you get famous, and they all want a piece of you.

Okay,

this has better be Georgie.

Afraid not, Redyard.

Chapman.

Wait, hang on a moment.

Chapman!

Yes, that'd be satisfying.

Now, what have you got to say for yourself, Chapman?

Is the council going to help me or not?

I have to admit, it was a difficult sell, but I reckon I've won a round on this one.

The Reverend was giving encouraging signs, and I think a good old-fashioned bribe could swing it.

Great.

So, how long until they rescue me?

Half an hour?

Less?

Now, that's the bad news.

What bad news?

The council wants to sleep on it, so they're deferring their decision till tomorrow.

But

I'm going to be stuck down here all night.

Yes, I know.

It's not ideal, is it?

You're telling me!

I submitted a proposal to speed things up, but the mayor doesn't always read everything he's given.

He's usually kept very busy.

No, he isn't.

No, he isn't, but he is hosting a blackjack tournament this evening.

You're invited, if that's any consolation.

Oh, well, if I can climb out with my bare hands, I'm sure I'd love to come.

Great.

I'll let him know.

Oh, there is some good news, though.

Yes, what is what?

You've gone down in Pifling history as only the second person to get trapped down that well.

You can stick that in your archive.

Is that a threat?

No, I mean you can actually put this in a new archive project for the Council.

The first was the 12th Duke of Little Piffling over 300 years ago.

And did they get him out?

Oh, no, he died down there.

I see, yes.

In fact, your ancestors probably buried him.

That's a win.

Yes, I think I've just found the Duke's headstone.

He died as he lived.

Terrified.

In the name of

Chapman, what am I supposed to do?

I've eaten my emergency wagon wheels and I could starve at any moment.

Don't worry, Rudyard, we're gonna lower you down some essential supplies: food, drink, blankets.

Lower them down?

You mean by a rope or something?

Yes, that's right.

So, why don't I just climb out of here with the rope?

Oh, uh, I wouldn't.

Well, look at it this way: if the council decides to leave you in the well, you'll only have to climb back down again tomorrow.

So I'd save yourself the bother and wait till tomorrow, just in case.

Oh, fine.

That's for spirit, Rudyard.

I've got my own chefs to rustle you up the best dinner you've ever tasted, and a bottle of the greatest non-alcoholic claret.

I want a pudding.

Apple crumble.

Acceptable.

You leave it with me, Rudyard.

You'll be A-O-K.

Why are you helping me, Chapman?

What's in it for you?

Oh, think you'd do the same for me if I were in your position.

You know, if it really came to the crunch?

No,

I wouldn't.

Oh.

Well, in that case, I suppose I'm the better man.

How dare you?

You'll never be the better man as long as I live.

You can stick your apple crumble.

Fair enough.

No, wait, I want to.

Enjoy yourself.

So,

it seems I'm stuck down here by myself for even longer than I thought.

Oh, shouldn't be a problem.

I can tough it out.

I don't need other people.

After all,

they don't need me.

Oh.

Is that

Madeline?

You came to keep me company.

Thank you, Madeline.

We're being fed soon.

A slap-up dinner.

Apple crumble.

Yeah, it shouldn't be too bad.

Okay.

I'd like cutry for two, please.

Some of it should be tiny.

Richard?

Oh, it's you.

Having a good time at the cinema, are we?

No.

Georgie told me what was going on, and I knew I couldn't focus on the film with you left on your own likeness, so

I thought I'd try and watch the film with you.

What?

How?

I'll read you the subtitles.

I'm on the phone in the foyer, and Herbert's holding the doors open, so I can just about see the screen from here.

It's Se Cheval purpalmonde.

It's said to be very compelling.

Does anyone get trapped down a well?

That's a risk we'll have to take.

I suppose now's as good a time as any for a little culture.

Oh.

Can you hear Madeline?

All right, Antigone.

Roll the film.

And thank you.

Don't mention it, Roger.

If only I had some popcorn.

Oh Madeline, you

darling.

The Trouble with Rudyard was written by David K.

Barnes and performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, and Kira Baxendale as Georgie, with additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Badwin.

The music was composed by James Whittle, the business manager was Elizabeth Campbell, and the programme was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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