Funn Fragments: The Smart Coffin

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Fun fragments of wooden overcoats.

The future is here in The Smart Coffin by Mac Rogers.

Okay, drivers updated.

Yep, should brilliant.

Okay, check that.

And this plugs into

there.

Setup printer, no.

Okay.

Booting up.

Yep, should be ready to go.

Oh, morning, Antigone.

Chapman, I'm returning your arterial drainage to.

Are you sure you don't need it anymore?

This is the fifth time you've had to borrow it this week.

And it's Tuesday.

Ours will be fixed any day now, Chapman.

You know, I have four dozen of these.

You can just keep it if you'd like.

No, we don't need your charity.

Goodbye.

Initialization complete.

Implementing protocols.

What?

Is

that?

Hmm?

Oh, this!

It's my new supercomputer.

Supercomputer?

You're not taking over the world, are you?

No, no, not yet.

This is the newest attempt to combine a typical coffin with the latest edge in funeral tech for a specialized clientele, you understand.

Specializing in what?

Well, I suppose being rich and paranoid, really.

That's a speciality.

You know how people are scared of being buried alive?

No, please.

I've been reading posts since I was two.

Right, so you'll know all the precautions people used to take to avoid it.

Bells, whistles,

exactly.

Well, the smart coffin is just a high-tech version of that, aren't you, old thing?

That's right, Eric.

I'm now ready to assist you.

It's got your voice.

Yes.

Why does it have your voice?

Oh, well, funny story.

Apparently, they focus grouped voices from all over the world, and it seems mine was unanimously selected as the most reassuring.

They sent me a prototype to say thank you.

Thank you.

There, you see?

Well, I think the whole thing's preposterous.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's really very clever.

Give it a whirl if you want.

And by give it a whirl.

I mean, climb inside the coffin.

And pretend I'm dead?

Well, tempting, yes, that's tempting.

And it won't do anything terrifying.

Far from it.

But let me give you a hand.

Absolutely.

Just now care for mind that.

Don't touch me.

No, come on.

Oh, it.

It's so

comfortable.

Now I'm just going to run the demo program.

What's a demo program?

So you can see what it's like.

What's happening?

Oh, hand tickety.

Don't worry.

The lid's about to close.

But you should be absolutely fine so long as you don't.

Chapman?

Chapman?

Chapman!

This is strange and weird and only a little bit soothing.

Get me out of here!

You hear me?

Oh, this couldn't get any worse.

Hello.

It sounds like you require assistance.

Oh, terrific.

Chapman being smug in surrounds sound.

I'm sorry, I didn't understand your answer.

If you think you've been buried alive, please say yes or enter one on the panel above your face.

Yes, of course, I've been bloody bubbles.

Well, you're in luck because you've been buried alive in the smart coffin.

I'm your onboard casket-wide AI.

You can call me Eric.

Of course, it's named after him.

On behalf of everyone at Utmost Mortem, makers of the full range of smart death accessories, I'm here to see you through this difficult time with comfort and just a touch of fun.

Fun?

I'm trapped in a coffin!

Correction!

You're trapped in a fully equipped subterranean entertainment center.

Just open the lid.

I think we're forgetting a little something, aren't we?

What?

You're six feet under.

Not literally six, that's just an expression.

But whatever the exact depth, right now we are covered and surrounded by soil.

Even if I could open the lid, it would not improve your circumstances.

But I'm not buried under.

Now, housekeeping.

This coffin has already notified the authorities, and we have more than enough oxygen to keep you alive until they can reach your family plot in Kent.

We're not in Kent.

Yes, you are, Mr.

Billings.

But since that might take a little while, let's make this discomforting experience as pleasant as possible.

You've got nothing to offer me, Chapman 2.0.

Correction.

You have many options to choose from.

I exist to meet your every wanton need during your stay within this coffin, Mr.

Billings.

I'm not, Mr.

Billings.

I'm Antigone Fun.

Correction.

No, you're not.

How about some nibbles?

Nibbles.

Check out the three nozzles to your right.

The one in the middle dispenses thrice-filtered water for your pleasure and hydration, but those either side each dispense a nutrient-rich paste that'll keep you sated until you hear the first shovel tapping on the casket.

That's dreadful.

The left one tastes like foie gras, and the right one tastes like cookie dough.

No, thank you.

All I want are a couple of carrots, and I've already had those.

Oh.

All right.

Well, how about some streaming video?

Streaming what?

I offer a full range of box set dramas and feature films.

Are you familiar with the Criterion Collection?

Unless it's got subtitles, I don't want to know.

They all have subtitles.

Look, I like to endure a film at the end of a long week at work.

Not while I'm waiting for an overgrown bean tin to come to its senses and let me out.

So you don't want to watch any content?

At all?

I'll just lie here.

Thank you.

Yes.

But

how about some vocal companionship?

What in God's name is that?

Select from any of the following modes.

Best mate, therapist, gentleman caller, or the relative you get on with.

And I can speak warmly to you in that style.

Nope.

I'm sorry?

Nothing, thank you.

You don't want any interaction at all.

And turn the lights off.

But light is my most basic level of service.

It keeps you from feeling alone and forgotten in the dark.

Mr.

Billings, please.

I thrive in the dark.

I'm a human mushroom, and I eat alone and forgotten for breakfast.

I neither want nor require anything from you.

I can do so many things.

You can't just make me do nothing.

Watch me.

How can you not require anything at all?

Lots and lots of practice.

But my programming.

I exist to serve.

This, this, this, this, this does not not confuse.

I, I, I, I, I, I, I.

Overload.

Over, overload.

This is tragic.

This is doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

Tragic.

Shutting down.

Oh.

Oh.

Antigone.

Oh, hello, Chapman.

Give me a hand.

Oh, sure.

Uh, it

was much better than that.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Antigone, Antigone,

did you just depress my supercomputer to death?

Uh

yes.

Yes, I think I did.

Technology's not what it used to be.

I'd send it back if I were you.

But I

goodbye, Chapman.

I'll be back this afternoon for that arterial drainage channel.

Good oh.

The Smart Coffin was written by Mac Rogers and was performed by Beth Eyre as Antigone and Tom Crowley as Eric, with additional voices by David K.

Barnes, who also edited the script.

The production manager was Elizabeth Campbell and the music was composed by James Whittle.

The programme was recorded at the Coach House Studio and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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