Season 3 Episode 6: Tinker Tailor Undertaker

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Speaker 7 Radiard Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. It used to be the only one, it isn't anymore.

Speaker 7 Radiard used to sit on the village council and he knows he hasn't been missed, but sometimes fate plays funny tricks and allows one to settle old scores.

Speaker 8 Wooden Overcoats by David K. Barnes.
Season 3, Episode 6.

Speaker 8 Tinker, Taylor, Undertaker.

Speaker 7 Nothing that morning suggested that the day would hold any surprises. Seeing as I was behind on some deadlines, this suited me down to the ground.

Speaker 7 At 10, I stepped away from my typewriter, shook some life back into my paws, and stepped out through the hole in the skirting board to see what was going on.

Speaker 9 Now look here, what?

Speaker 9 Look, I've told you before, you can have your money or the body back, but you can't have both.

Speaker 11 Roger, are you sure you should be quite a bit more?

Speaker 9 Leave this to to me, Antigone. I'll tell you why, shall I, Mrs.
Crackerjack? Because I'm getting sick and tired of people like you that can't make up their minds.

Speaker 13 Rajad!

Speaker 9 If you wanted to cancel, then you should have done that before you booked with us, shouldn't you?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 9 I don't care if your brothers are over six foot seven.

Speaker 14 Or heavyweight boxers.

Speaker 2 Oh my god.

Speaker 14 Okay, there are four of them.

Speaker 9 I don't know why you keep bringing them up.

Speaker 16 Alright, send them over.

Speaker 9 But you're only wasting your time.

Speaker 2 What do you want me to do? Measure them?

Speaker 17 Right, I'm gonna bring the body out.

Speaker 18 What for?

Speaker 17 So you'll still be in one piece by lunchtime.

Speaker 9 What is she talking about?

Speaker 19 Where's Georgie? She's at the council. Of course she is.

Speaker 20 We employed her first, you know.

Speaker 9 You hire an assistant, give her every opportunity, and then she spends half her time with the people that want to close you down. You know, Madeline, that girl is getting too big for her boots.

Speaker 9 Working for the mayor has gone to her head.

Speaker 4 I mean, it's not as if it's ever helped us.

Speaker 9 I didn't even get an invite to the New Year's Eve raffle.

Speaker 12 I know I don't, but I'd still like to be asked.

Speaker 10 After all I did for them.

Speaker 9 Eleven years I was on that council. They didn't even give me a gold watch.

Speaker 21 Just a cupcake.

Speaker 14 They've still got it somewhere.

Speaker 14 Oh, you didn't?

Speaker 14 Hello?

Speaker 22 Ah, good morning, Miss Scripple.

Speaker 23 Oh, Mr. Fun.

Speaker 23 I was hoping I'd catch you.

Speaker 9 Haven't got any more dying relatives, have you? Oh,

Speaker 9 no.

Speaker 9 No, too much to hope for, wasn't it? So, what can I do for you this fine day, Miss Scruple?

Speaker 23 Are we alone?

Speaker 9 Do you have to stand that close?

Speaker 9 Are we alone?

Speaker 15 Well, I

Speaker 25 suppose so, yes.

Speaker 27 Oh,

Speaker 3 good.

Speaker 24 Get in the sack.

Speaker 28 Sorry?

Speaker 23 Get in the sack.

Speaker 23 I shan't say why.

Speaker 26 All right.

Speaker 9 But there better be a good explanation.

Speaker 9 Roger!

Speaker 17 Roger, can you give me a hand with

Speaker 17 Roger?

Speaker 17 Roger?

Speaker 17 The Crackerjack brothers. They must have got him already.

Speaker 26 Oh, well.

Speaker 17 Serves him right.

Speaker 7 Alarmed and delighted, I followed the canny old lady as she bore my landlord upon her back.

Speaker 7 Down the back streets of Piffling Vale she skulked, twisting and turning as if she knew she might be followed.

Speaker 7 Eventually, she reached her destination, and that's when things really got interesting.

Speaker 7 Ow.

Speaker 9 Was this journey really necessary?

Speaker 33 I'm afraid so, Mr. Fun.

Speaker 34 But all shall be revealed in time.

Speaker 7 It was Piffling's constable turned confectioner and back again, Agatha Doyle, looming over Ruddyard in the back room of the broken tooth.

Speaker 7 She stubbed out her candy cigarette and turned to Miss Scruple.

Speaker 12 You did exactly what I told you.

Speaker 33 You talked to nobody?

Speaker 27 Nobody.

Speaker 3 Oh, except Bill.

Speaker 14 Why, Bill?

Speaker 24 But I like Bill.

Speaker 35 So do I.

Speaker 31 Miss Scruple is my new housekeeper, Mr. Funn.

Speaker 33 She knows the value of discretion and putting people in sacks.

Speaker 31 Can she fetch you some refreshment?

Speaker 28 Tea?

Speaker 36 Coffee?

Speaker 31 Perhaps a wine gum?

Speaker 9 All I want to know is what I'm doing here. I meant to be running a funeral, Parlor.

Speaker 31 I'm sure your sister is more than capable of running it without you.

Speaker 38 Ouch.

Speaker 10 I meant for the day. No, no, the damage is done.

Speaker 20 So what do you want?

Speaker 33 It's a delicate matter.

Speaker 34 I've got a job for you.

Speaker 39 Oh, somebody's died.

Speaker 37 Wonderful. When do I start?

Speaker 34 It's not a funeral, but it is familiar territory.

Speaker 40 The Village Council.

Speaker 33 You worked on it for eleven years, I believe.

Speaker 18 Yes, but I'm not a...

Speaker 31 So you'd say you know the councillors pretty well, wouldn't you?

Speaker 41 Again, yes, but I don't.

Speaker 42 Are you as strong on your nursery rhymes, I wonder?

Speaker 34 Tinker?

Speaker 20 Tailor?

Speaker 20 Soldier?

Speaker 12 Sailor?

Speaker 43 Rich man, poor man, baker man.

Speaker 42 Thief.

Speaker 31 We've got a rotten apple, Mr. Funn.
On On the council. And I need your help to find out who it is.

Speaker 41 My help?

Speaker 31 That'll be all for now, Miss Scookle.

Speaker 23 In that case, I'll go and get the washing on.

Speaker 42 Very well.

Speaker 37 But be on your guard.

Speaker 2 I will.

Speaker 15 Now,

Speaker 44 I want you to cast your mind back, Mr.

Speaker 33 Funn, to when you were still on the council.

Speaker 35 All right.

Speaker 31 My question concerns a procedure of vital importance.

Speaker 33 For is it not true that when the council met each month, you would send the secretary to buy the biscuits?

Speaker 41 Oh my, definitely.

Speaker 9 Nothing could be discussed till we had those biscuits safely in our hands.

Speaker 7 Quite. Quite.

Speaker 9 When a meeting finished, we'd go to the kitchen and put some money in the biscuit jar so they could be purchased next time without delay.

Speaker 45 That system remains in place.

Speaker 40 With one difference, following the loss of the village baker in that mine disaster we all remember so fondly, the council switched to a regular order of chocolate wafers sold from here at the Broken Tooth.

Speaker 12 Like these, Mr. Fun.

Speaker 9 They look nice.

Speaker 42 They are nice.

Speaker 31 Creamy and delicious, yet still undeniably wafers.

Speaker 39 Each month, when the council meets, Miss Crusoe procures a box of these very wafers with the money from the jar.

Speaker 31 But this morning, she did not.

Speaker 18 But why?

Speaker 3 At first, she wouldn't tell me but i used an old technique i developed during my days on the force what is it bribery a few boxes of fondant creams made her sing like a canary she said that between yesterday at five o'clock and this morning at ten past nine the entire contents of the jar had been stolen how much

Speaker 15 a whole fiver

Speaker 37 i know I gave her the usual assurances of police protection, but she wouldn't have it.

Speaker 12 She's still there, among the suspects, and we've got to help her.

Speaker 9 Well, this is all tremendously evolving, but I still don't see what you need me for.

Speaker 31 You used to sit on this council.

Speaker 40 You know these people, and you've worked with them.

Speaker 31 When we interview the suspects, you might spot something that I cannot.

Speaker 9 It sounds like you're really going to make them sweat.

Speaker 12 Oh, they'll be perspiring like proverbial pigs, don't you worry?

Speaker 4 I'm entirely on board with this.

Speaker 40 Now to the suspects.

Speaker 12 There are three of them.

Speaker 31 And Chapman.

Speaker 31 Mayor Desmond Desmond. Oh, how silly.
Our man at the top. My sources tell me that he's usually kept very busy, but it only takes a few seconds to swipe a fiver.

Speaker 33 Then there's Reverend Nigel Wavering.

Speaker 31 Bags of fuck! He's never been able to make up his mind about anything.

Speaker 33 Perhaps he can't decide between right and wrong.

Speaker 33 And of course, there's the infamous Lady Templar.

Speaker 2 I say.

Speaker 47 The aristocrat who steals for the thrill of it is a well-known archetype.

Speaker 7 Ms. Doyle poured herself a tumbler of ginger pop.

Speaker 15 So,

Speaker 12 any thoughts before we kick off?

Speaker 9 What about Chapman?

Speaker 14 Enjoy yourselves.

Speaker 35 Oh, your successor, of course.

Speaker 15 What about him?

Speaker 9 Isn't he a suspecter?

Speaker 42 Oh, good heavens, no.

Speaker 12 Most unlikely.

Speaker 39 Eric Chapman, ridiculous.

Speaker 12 He's as innocent as they come.

Speaker 10 Perhaps too innocent.

Speaker 9 So innocent as to become suspicious, you could say. No, I couldn't.

Speaker 12 Really? No, I think you're barking up the wrong tree there.

Speaker 13 Still, it would be unwise of us to rule him out completely.

Speaker 41 We really wouldn't.

Speaker 35 Yes.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 47 Just saving you the bother.

Speaker 18 Miss Scruple,

Speaker 31 we're going hunting.

Speaker 24 I'll get my wellies off.

Speaker 33 Are you ready to step into the lion's den, Mr.

Speaker 31 Funny?

Speaker 9 One must always be ready to do one's duty, Miss Doyle.

Speaker 41 Splendid.

Speaker 42 And remember, trust no one.

Speaker 42 No one.

Speaker 46 Except Eric, of course.

Speaker 11 He still might have done that.

Speaker 44 Wasting your time.

Speaker 7 In the mayor's office at the village hall, the councillors continued their work, entirely unaware that the full force of the law was bearing down upon them.

Speaker 2 What is the next item on the agenda?

Speaker 49 A debrief on the school's new play park.

Speaker 9 Ah, yes, another of your grand ideas, Eric.

Speaker 25 Thank you, Des.

Speaker 13 I hope it's gone down well.

Speaker 32 Actually, we've had complaints.

Speaker 35 Really? Complaints?

Speaker 27 Yes, from the kiddies.

Speaker 32 Apparently, the park is so much fun, their teachers keep using it instead.

Speaker 13 Does that mean they like it, Nigel?

Speaker 46 I think so, Eric.

Speaker 2 Aha!

Speaker 31 I meant to do that. Go ahead.

Speaker 27 Aho, bucker it.

Speaker 21 You got the point across.

Speaker 18 No, you threw me off.

Speaker 13 Miss Doyle, what is the meaning of this intrusion?

Speaker 34 I shall put it thus.

Speaker 12 When is a door not a door?

Speaker 13 When it's a fire escape. Jar! Jar! When it's a jar.

Speaker 35 Indeed.

Speaker 40 And does that jar ring any bells for you?

Speaker 50 She knows.

Speaker 51 The missing fiver.

Speaker 48 We all know about it, don't we?

Speaker 9 Chapman?

Speaker 14 Uh, yes?

Speaker 43 This was supposed to be kept amongst ourselves.

Speaker 51 You can't undermine trust in the council.

Speaker 19 The public will rise up and destroy it.

Speaker 31 Well, one of you should have thought about that before purloining a five-pound note from the council's coffers. Mr.
Funn, first impressions?

Speaker 46 Who looks guiltiest?

Speaker 9 I'd say they all look pretty guilty to me.

Speaker 38 Isn't that right,

Speaker 9 Chapman?

Speaker 14 I wish we had those wafers.

Speaker 9 Now look here, everyone.

Speaker 9 You may not remember me.

Speaker 29 You're right, I don't.

Speaker 16 But

Speaker 9 over the course of this afternoon, I'm going to help make your lives a living help.

Speaker 31 Steady on, Mr. Von.

Speaker 32 How did you ever get wind of this?

Speaker 9 Well, let's just say a little bird told us. Eh, Georgie?

Speaker 9 Did you call the police?

Speaker 2 Miss Ruchi.

Speaker 49 She offered me fondant creams.

Speaker 43 Well, I hope you're going to share them round.

Speaker 49 Fine.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, too right as well.

Speaker 2 Let's have three each.

Speaker 46 Well, Miss Crusoe, since your cover's now been blown,

Speaker 39 would you like to step outside with us?

Speaker 49 Sure thing. You, Lot, leave some sweets for me, all right.

Speaker 52 Templar's had been.

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 26 Come along, Miss Crusoe. Just a fun.

Speaker 12 We'll leave Miss Scruple to watch over the suspects.

Speaker 23 Don't worry, Miss Doyle. Nobody gets past Dotty.

Speaker 14 I'd like to go to the toilet.

Speaker 23 Well, you should have thought of that yesterday, then, shouldn't you?

Speaker 49 Thanks for nothing, Rudyard.

Speaker 53 I got caught in the moment.

Speaker 12 Stop bickering. She started it.

Speaker 35 No, you did.

Speaker 34 Miss Crusoe, can you recall everyone's movements this morning?

Speaker 30 Who arrived when, and so on?

Speaker 49 Well, I arrived at quarter nine, and Eric was already here.

Speaker 12 Is he usually early?

Speaker 49 Yeah, but never that much.

Speaker 39 I knew it. Case closed.
Shush!

Speaker 37 What happened then?

Speaker 49 Lady Templar got here bang on nine. The Reverend was a few minutes later, looking a bit green.
Think he'd had a late one last night, if you know what I mean.

Speaker 39 Where were you during all this?

Speaker 49 Right here at my desk, playing with an elastic band.

Speaker 10 May we see the elastic band?

Speaker 49 No, you'll take it.

Speaker 27 Your witness. Did they all go straight through to the office?

Speaker 49 Yep, nobody left it. Then I got the jar from the kitchen and the money was gone.
That's about ten past nine.

Speaker 35 And what about the man?

Speaker 49 He rushed in a couple of minutes later, looking a right state. Said something about his alarm clock not going off.
We got him up to speed on the missing money and he sent me to cancel the order.

Speaker 40 Why did you come to the shop?

Speaker 34 You could have phoned.

Speaker 49 Meh, it's easier to bribe me in person.

Speaker 46 You mean you you were going to tell me anyway?

Speaker 49 Yeah, but I really like fondant creams. Don't blast it.

Speaker 40 And what about yesterday?

Speaker 49 Couldn't tell you. I left at five and the money was still there in the kitchen when I washed the mugs.

Speaker 12 Was there anyone here?

Speaker 49 Just the mayor in his office. But Eric came in as I went out, so he could have been around for a while.

Speaker 1 Ah, everything comes back to Chaplin.

Speaker 49 I really hope it's him. We could chuck him in prison and throw away the key.

Speaker 9 It'd be great, wouldn't it?

Speaker 44 Yeah. Stop conspiring.

Speaker 12 We can't just speculate speculate wildly that may be how the professionals do it but agatha doyle plays by nobody's rules so what are we going to do we are going to ask questions mr fun

Speaker 39 but first we'll need to establish a base of operations

Speaker 7 agatha booked the games room with immediate effect and a small financial deposit A short while later, I watched keenly as Mayor Desmond Desmond sat down at a ping-pong table opposite Agatha and Rudyard, and the first interrogation began.

Speaker 33 Mr. Mayor, where were you at 5 p.m.
yesterday?

Speaker 18 Oh, God.

Speaker 18 I know this one.

Speaker 26 Um, uh, oh, I'm, um, um, in your.

Speaker 28 In my. Your.

Speaker 2 Your. My, my.

Speaker 35 In your office? Yes, that's right.

Speaker 39 In my office.

Speaker 9 Georgie told us that.

Speaker 18 Did she?

Speaker 15 Good girl.

Speaker 15 Well, then, um, I'm glad I could help you.

Speaker 31 We're not quite done yet.

Speaker 33 How long did you remain in your office after Miss Crusoe left?

Speaker 41 Oh, let me see now.

Speaker 18 About an hour, I think. Where did you go?

Speaker 15 Straight home.

Speaker 3 I made myself a weak potato curry, watched a film starring that new boy everybody's on about, George Clooney, and went to bed.

Speaker 44 Between five and six, did you see anybody here at the hall?

Speaker 55 Only Nigel wishing me good night.

Speaker 20 A bit early for that?

Speaker 55 He was attending some sort of due at the Cypriot High Commission, and it was going to get quite raucous.

Speaker 45 He stayed at the Vicarage last night, so he wouldn't wake me up the night before a meeting.

Speaker 20 When did you see him?

Speaker 16 Oh, I don't know exactly.

Speaker 55 He was taking Eric with him, though.

Speaker 50 I think I heard them chatting in the reception, but that's all I could tell you.

Speaker 30 I was working, you see.

Speaker 14 You say you were working, your worship.

Speaker 55 Don't put words in my mouth, young man.

Speaker 30 He didn't.

Speaker 35 Oh, I see.

Speaker 13 In that case, I did say that, yes.

Speaker 9 So between five and six,

Speaker 25 you were busy.

Speaker 15 Exactly.

Speaker 25 I see.

Speaker 16 How busy? Ooh, really?

Speaker 9 Very busy, you'd say. Yes.
You'd say that, would you?

Speaker 41 I would.

Speaker 9 And just how often are you kept very busy?

Speaker 15 Uh, um-hmm. I'll have to hurry you.

Speaker 50 Uh, well, uh, usually, to be honest.

Speaker 35 Usually.

Speaker 54 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 9 I'm usually kept very busy.

Speaker 19 Yes. You're usually kept very busy, are you? Yes, I am.

Speaker 43 You're usually kept very busy.

Speaker 19 Yes, I am. You're bluffing, your worship.

Speaker 43 You're bluffing. And I have no choice but to sentence you to death.

Speaker 43 Who's on trial now?

Speaker 43 Please, Mr. Fun, control yourself.
This is no time to be vindictive.

Speaker 19 It's a perfect time.

Speaker 43 Get off the table and sit down.

Speaker 47 That'll be all, Mr.

Speaker 42 Male.

Speaker 55 Oh, I see.

Speaker 22 Pleasure, Miss Doyle.

Speaker 33 Oh, why were you late to the meeting this morning?

Speaker 18 My love joy alarm clock didn't whack me up.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 46 Mr. Funn, this is a serious inquiry.

Speaker 33 You must calm down.

Speaker 9 I'm sorry, Miss Doyle.

Speaker 48 What did you think about him?

Speaker 34 All we know is that he still could have done it.

Speaker 33 Nothing in his story changes that.

Speaker 25 Maybe if I kept yelling at him.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 7 The next to be seen was Reverend Wavering, still nursing a hangover of biblical proportions.

Speaker 26 Oh,

Speaker 22 You're not going to need me long, are you?

Speaker 2 Everything hurts, you see.

Speaker 33 I hear you went to a party last night.

Speaker 52 Yeah, you know those high commissioners. They love an all-night rave.

Speaker 37 And you came here to the hall on the way.

Speaker 52 Yes, about quarter past five to see Desmond. And Eric was here in reception.

Speaker 32 We were going to the party together.

Speaker 52 I hope his stomach doesn't feel like mine.

Speaker 9 Exactly how guilty did Chapman appear?

Speaker 52 Only a bit distracted. We talked for a while, and suddenly Lady Templar appeared from the kitchen, laughing her head off.

Speaker 30 Oh gosh, I do feel a tadpeaky.

Speaker 44 Sorry, laughing her head off.

Speaker 52 I don't know what she's got to laugh about. Apparently, she's absolutely skint these days.
She just walked right past us and left the hall as I went into Desmond's office.

Speaker 41 Leaving Eric Chapman unsupervised?

Speaker 52 Yes, for five minutes or so. Then we we went to the party and I can't remember much after that.

Speaker 15 Thank God.

Speaker 15 Ow,

Speaker 9 how silly. When did Chapman leave the party last night?

Speaker 15 Oh,

Speaker 22 long before me.

Speaker 30 Don't have an aspirin there.

Speaker 9 So if he didn't steal the money earlier, he could have gone back to the hall and stolen it then.

Speaker 52 Yes, but then so could I.

Speaker 52 Were it not for the fact I was nine brandy sours down,

Speaker 52 which I think might be about to come back up again.

Speaker 28 Will you excuse me?

Speaker 12 By all means, Reverend.

Speaker 15 Thank you.

Speaker 26 Oh, dear me.

Speaker 9 Those fondant creams were a bad idea then.

Speaker 2 No, sweet Jesus, out of the way. Whoa, watch out.

Speaker 49 Sir, there's a telephone call for you.

Speaker 15 Oh.

Speaker 25 Uh, excuse me for a second, Miss Doyle.

Speaker 15 You're right now, my Reverend. I'm in hell.
Good out.

Speaker 10 Now, look here.

Speaker 9 What's your name? Where's your alibi?

Speaker 38 I'd like it to be.

Speaker 28 Who? Antigone!

Speaker 18 Oh, yes.

Speaker 10 I'd forgotten. How have you been?

Speaker 21 I've been calling up everywhere to find you.

Speaker 9 Were you worried?

Speaker 38 No, just annoyed.

Speaker 9 Wait a second.

Speaker 19 Too with you in a moment, Lady Templar. Don't talk to me.

Speaker 48 Right, you up. Okay.
Antigone, you assang?

Speaker 38 What are you doing for Missy's sake?

Speaker 9 I'm solving a mystery with Agatha Doyle.

Speaker 38 You're solving a mystery with Agatha Doyle. Yep.

Speaker 1 Your point?

Speaker 35 I don't want to solve a mystery with Agatha Doyle.

Speaker 4 Well, you can't. It's mine.
How dare you?

Speaker 48 Get your own.

Speaker 48 Some people.

Speaker 4 Now, look here.

Speaker 2 I don't want to sit around here all day while you're off having adventures. I want adventures.

Speaker 9 You're always having adventures. I want another one.

Speaker 2 I can solve mysteries. I'm handling it.
I'm better at doing it than you are.

Speaker 4 No, you're not. I am.

Speaker 2 You're not.

Speaker 34 Come on, Rudyard. You can solve this.

Speaker 9 It's time to get procedural.

Speaker 9 Where were you on the night of November the 5th?

Speaker 44 Sit down and shut up.

Speaker 15 Oh, sorry, Madeline.

Speaker 31 Now, Lady Templar, you were saying.

Speaker 51 Last night I was at home with my husband, and this morning I was at home with my husband.

Speaker 45 He'll corroborate that?

Speaker 51 I doubt it. Simon couldn't care less about me.

Speaker 34 And what about your little visit here yesterday?

Speaker 51 What little visit was that?

Speaker 33 The Reverend said you passed him coming out of the kitchen at quarter past five, laughing your head off.

Speaker 12 That's hardly a crime.

Speaker 31 That depends on what you're laughing about.

Speaker 34 The elation of stealing a five-pound note would make any criminal tautal.

Speaker 33 There was an amusing cartoon on the fridge.

Speaker 46 What of?

Speaker 51 A large cat eating lasagna. I popped in to see it again, and it was just as funny the second time.

Speaker 37 And was anyone else in reception?

Speaker 46 Yes, Eric.

Speaker 51 If you ask me, he's your man. What?

Speaker 15 Really?

Speaker 51 Hmm, yes, you can see it in his eyes. I wouldn't trust Chapman as far as I could throw him, which wouldn't be very far, unless it was out of a hot air balloon.

Speaker 53 Oh, that would have been marvellous. Yes!

Speaker 9 I am so willing to trust this witness.

Speaker 37 Thank you, Lady Templar.

Speaker 12 That'll be all.

Speaker 12 Don't mind me.

Speaker 25 I think that about wraps things up, don't you?

Speaker 34 Good grief, Rudyard.

Speaker 40 It can't have escaped your notice that Lady Templar and Eric were lovers.

Speaker 26 What?

Speaker 12 Oh, Lord, of course they were.

Speaker 31 Until an acrimonious break-up some weeks ago.

Speaker 33 And don't you think that might prejudice Lady Templar against him in any way?

Speaker 9 Only if she left him because he was planning to steal the five-pound note.

Speaker 12 I don't think so, Rudyard.

Speaker 10 Mr. Funtz.
Rudyard.

Speaker 31 And I happen to think Lady Templar is the most suspicious suspect we've got.

Speaker 34 Guilty, you could say.

Speaker 19 Come in!

Speaker 15 Hello? Oh!

Speaker 33 Oh, do excuse me, Mr. Chapman.

Speaker 27 Come in.

Speaker 42 Sit down.

Speaker 14 How's the investigation going? Any promising leads? Yes.

Speaker 35 But you needn't worry about that.

Speaker 46 There were just a few questions I wanted to ask you.

Speaker 35 Formalities, really.

Speaker 14 Not at all. Please.
Anything I can do to help.

Speaker 12 Yesterday, you arrived here at the hall at what time?

Speaker 14 Five o'clock. Georgie was leaving as I was coming in.

Speaker 9 Did she seem happy to see you?

Speaker 14 No. In fact, she swore under her breath.

Speaker 48 Satisfied? Hugely. Please.

Speaker 33 Was there anybody else there when you arrived?

Speaker 14 I believe the mayor was in his office, but I didn't go in.

Speaker 42 Why not?

Speaker 14 He sounded very busy, which I suppose he usually is. So instead, I ended up playing with a truly entertaining elastic band I found on Georgie's desk.

Speaker 39 I never get nice things.

Speaker 12 What brought you to the hall that evening?

Speaker 14 To meet Nigel. We were going on to the party together.
The Cypriot High Commissioner's an old mate of mine. She helped me out, too.

Speaker 15 Oh, uh, long time.

Speaker 14 Skip it.

Speaker 33 At what time did the Reverend appear?

Speaker 14 About 5:15.

Speaker 44 Did anybody else arrive between 5 and 5.15?

Speaker 14 Yes, at Lady Temple, I did.

Speaker 39 Did Did you converse?

Speaker 18 A little.

Speaker 14 Not as much as I'd have liked.

Speaker 33 Did she go anywhere?

Speaker 14 Yes, she went into the kitchen, sort of in and out, then left the building. I guess she wanted to speak to the mayor and decided it could wait.

Speaker 13 Mr.

Speaker 33 Chairman, this is a delicate question, but do you think Lady Templar could have taken the money?

Speaker 14 As much as any one of us. I had plenty of opportunities last night and again this morning.

Speaker 25 So, you admit your guilt? A wise decision?

Speaker 14 No, because I haven't got a motive.

Speaker 14 Like Lady Templar, I'm not exactly short of money right now, and whilst I do love your chocolate wafers, Miss Doyle, I'm happy to pay for them the same as anyone else.

Speaker 33 Naturally, I don't think we need detain you any longer.

Speaker 14 Great. Well, I hope you catch him.
Just one more thing, Chapter.

Speaker 30 Oh, please, Rodiard.

Speaker 14 No, no, I'm happy to answer. What is it, Rodiard?

Speaker 9 Why did you say Lady Templar wasn't short of money?

Speaker 14 Because she isn't.

Speaker 9 Reverend Wavering said that she was.

Speaker 25 In fact, he said she was skint.

Speaker 14 He must be wrong.

Speaker 9 But now I remember that you and I both know that Lady Templar is broke. because she told us at the yacht club some weeks ago when she wanted to get a free funeral.

Speaker 25 So why did you say that she wasn't short of money?

Speaker 38 Uh

Speaker 15 well,

Speaker 14 slip of the tongue.

Speaker 22 Shall I go now?

Speaker 40 Miss Crusoe said you were at least fifteen minutes early this morning.

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 18 Why?

Speaker 33 Mr. Chapman?

Speaker 14 I'm sorry, I can't tell you that.

Speaker 30 Mr.

Speaker 12 Chapman, if you're obstructing the course of justice, I shall have to give you quite the telling off.

Speaker 14 I know that, Miss Doyle.

Speaker 39 I may put you on a charge.

Speaker 35 I may put you in prison.

Speaker 37 I shall most certainly cease your half-price discount on Turkish delight at the broken tooth.

Speaker 37 Why were you early to the meeting this morning? I...

Speaker 9 That is to say.

Speaker 16 I...

Speaker 2 We've got him, Adeline, at last.

Speaker 2 No!

Speaker 11 The charade must end.

Speaker 37 Lady Templar!

Speaker 51 Eric, you can't sacrifice yourself like this, not for me.

Speaker 19 But he wants to, don't spoil it.

Speaker 51 I'm here to tell you that Eric is an innocent man. And not only that, but I have proof.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. The table, Rogers!

Speaker 43 Oh, for God's sake. Spit it out, Templar.

Speaker 51 He knows why I was here yesterday. I needed to go into that kitchen, but it wasn't for the money.

Speaker 51 No, it wasn't that.

Speaker 53 Vivian, stop. I needed the sugar.

Speaker 26 That's right, I.

Speaker 38 I have become

Speaker 11 addicted to sugar.

Speaker 2 Bless my soul.

Speaker 51 I need it.

Speaker 15 I crave it. Nobody could know.

Speaker 51 I spent all my money on a bootleg supply.

Speaker 35 I stripped my home clean of all the sugar I had.

Speaker 39 There was no one to turn to.

Speaker 12 I would have understood.

Speaker 33 I myself have known the alarming effect of indulging in dolly mixtures.

Speaker 11 And then yesterday, I thought of the council and delicious cups of sweet, sweet tea.

Speaker 39 And so you came here to get your sugary fixed.

Speaker 53 Great big spoonfuls of it. Oh, the energy.

Speaker 51 Oh, the buzz.

Speaker 14 That's why I went into the kitchen after her to confirm what I'd already suspected. The bag was almost empty.

Speaker 37 And so you arrived early this morning.

Speaker 14 To prevent her from lapsing again, yes. Yes!

Speaker 51 But whilst I may be a glutton for glucose, I am not a thief. When I left the kitchen, the fiver was still there.

Speaker 12 One of us is the culprit, but it isn't me, Mrs.

Speaker 51 Doyle.

Speaker 53 You've got to believe me.

Speaker 46 You've got to believe me. me.

Speaker 35 Well,

Speaker 7 after they'd sent for the doctor and left Lady Templar in his capable, exhausted hands, Agatha and Rudyard decamped to the kitchen to get their heads around the facts so far.

Speaker 7 I was as baffled as either of them, so simply gnawed on a stale cream cracker.

Speaker 9 Your tea, Miss Lyle.

Speaker 30 Thank you.

Speaker 9 Sugar?

Speaker 39 No!

Speaker 31 It changes nothing, of course.

Speaker 37 She could still have taken the cash.

Speaker 33 We've only her word that she didn't.

Speaker 15 Yes.

Speaker 9 Which means Chaplin's still a suspect.

Speaker 14 Yes!

Speaker 47 And yet I do believe him.

Speaker 40 And Lady Templar.

Speaker 31 That mad laughter was quite compelling.

Speaker 33 And there's still the Reverend and the Mayor.

Speaker 34 They all had the opportunity.

Speaker 33 But who had the motive?

Speaker 9 I've not been as helpful as you expected, have I?

Speaker 13 I said. I heard what you said.

Speaker 17 Roger! There you are!

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 17 Hello, Antigone. Don't hello, Antigone, me.
You left me at the shop all day, entirely alone with no one to talk to.

Speaker 14 You must have loved that.

Speaker 17 Every minute of it. But now, I'm here to solve a mystery with you, and you're going to accept it.

Speaker 9 What good can you do? You've missed all the interviews, and Lady Templar's checked into rehab.

Speaker 12 Oh, let's give her the facts. It can't do any harm.

Speaker 35 But she wasn't invited.

Speaker 39 Look, five pounds has been stolen from this kitchen between 5 p.m.

Speaker 31 yesterday and today at 10 past nine.

Speaker 18 It must have been Lady Templar, the Mayor, the Reverend, or Eric Chapman.

Speaker 15 There.

Speaker 33 Now you know everything.

Speaker 17 Why can it not be Georgie?

Speaker 34 Miss Crusoe.

Speaker 12 She reported the crime in the first place, so I hardly think so.

Speaker 33 Besides, if she'd stolen the money, she'd have replaced it before anyone noticed.

Speaker 17 That goes for any of the suspects, surely.

Speaker 43 Well, yes, of course.

Speaker 26 Of course.

Speaker 46 I see.

Speaker 46 Young lady, I think you've solved the crime.

Speaker 26 Oh, what?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Come along, you two.

Speaker 44 There isn't a moment to lose.

Speaker 32 But I but

Speaker 32 I had not, but I

Speaker 7 We were soon assembled in the mayor's office. I cast my eyes over the remaining three suspects, swiveling their eyes, mopping their brows, and awkwardly tugging at their collars in unison.

Speaker 7 It was time for us all to find out who'd done it.

Speaker 37 Is everyone ready, Miss Scoopel?

Speaker 23 Oh, yes, we've all made our bets, haven't we?

Speaker 34 I put a quid on each of us.

Speaker 12 Now then, I have spoken with each of you over the course of this afternoon, and I have thrown aside the irrelevant facts like toffies from a box of Quality Street.

Speaker 31 Yet, it was Antigone Funn who set my mind on the right tracks when she tried to implicate Miss Crusoe in the theft.

Speaker 17 Chairs on Tiger, eh? I was trying to be thorough.

Speaker 34 A criminal will either abscond with the booty or cover their tracks and avoid suspicion, neither of which happened happened in this case.

Speaker 34 The thief remained a suspect, and they must have known the crime would be detected.

Speaker 44 So, why did that person do it?

Speaker 15 Well,

Speaker 40 why did they?

Speaker 26 I've no idea.

Speaker 42 Well, hang on.

Speaker 44 I do know who did it.

Speaker 33 You see, every one of you had an opportunity to steal the money, but only one of you had no opportunity to replace it.

Speaker 34 Isn't that right?

Speaker 33 Mayor Desmond Desmond.

Speaker 2 Oh, goodness me.

Speaker 15 Desi? No.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 38 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, all right, it was me.

Speaker 28 I knew it. Oh,

Speaker 35 my God.

Speaker 13 Mr. Mayor.

Speaker 2 After all I've done for you.

Speaker 50 But I only intended to borrow it.

Speaker 30 Miss Doyle's right.

Speaker 45 I wanted to replace it, but I arrived too late this morning to do so.

Speaker 37 You told us your alarm clock failed to wake you.

Speaker 13 That's true.

Speaker 55 Because I was nowhere near my alarm clock last night. I wasn't even on this island.

Speaker 50 Good lord.

Speaker 46 I think you'd better tell us what's going on.

Speaker 55 I awoke this morning in a bed and breakfast on the island of Alderney, in the middle of town.

Speaker 45 And let me tell you, when they say town, they mean town.

Speaker 50 At least now I know what I'm shooting for. But it did make me quite depressed.

Speaker 16 Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 50 Well, last night I'd taken a trip to Alderney to collect a certain purchase that I couldn't have made here in Piffling.

Speaker 55 I left the hall at five thirty to get to the docks, but I hadn't any change for the boat fare, and there was no time to rush home, so I borrowed the five pound note.

Speaker 31 Ah, now it all becomes clear, because you're telling us.

Speaker 55 But having made my purchase in Alderney, I missed the boat coming back, so I had to stay there for the night.

Speaker 45 I didn't even have time to change clothes when I came back.

Speaker 15 I just rushed straight for the hall, but I was too late.

Speaker 18 You'd all noticed the money was gone.

Speaker 43 But why couldn't you just tell us all this in the first place?

Speaker 32 Because,

Speaker 26 well,

Speaker 26 because

Speaker 26 this is the purchase I made on Alderney.

Speaker 26 It's

Speaker 54 an engagement ring for you, Nigel.

Speaker 15 You see, I'd like to marry you, and I wanted to surprise you over over dinner or on a holiday, but, well, here we are in the middle of a criminal investigation, and I've confessed, so I suppose now

Speaker 15 we'll have to do

Speaker 15 my back.

Speaker 50 Nigel,

Speaker 15 will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?

Speaker 50 Oh, you didn't have to get me.

Speaker 28 Oh,

Speaker 28 yes!

Speaker 19 Of course I will.

Speaker 26 Oh, thank God.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 15 splendid.

Speaker 26 Help me up. Somebody.

Speaker 9 Here we go, Cham.

Speaker 2 Bloody hell.

Speaker 29 I hope I don't need to do this again.

Speaker 19 You won't.

Speaker 43 Oh, you silly old mare.

Speaker 2 Come here.

Speaker 45 Um, Miss Doyle, here's a replacement fiver, and I do hope that any charges against me might be dropped entirely.

Speaker 30 Congratulations, Desmond, Nigel.

Speaker 9 Yes, um, no hard feelings about the interrogating.

Speaker 10 None taken.

Speaker 15 Well, actually.

Speaker 19 I couldn't be happier for you. This is brilliant.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Eric.

Speaker 50 In fact, given that it was you who brought us together in the first place, I was wondering if you might like to be my best man.

Speaker 35 Oh, and mine? Oh, by me.

Speaker 19 Well, yes? Bloody yes, of course. Hurrah!

Speaker 15 This would turn out remarkably well.

Speaker 2 Oh, they are jolly good fellows,

Speaker 38 for they are jolly good fellows.

Speaker 17 You should be smiling. This is a happy thing.

Speaker 17 Even I know a happy thing when I say all of us.

Speaker 1 I'm glad for both of them.

Speaker 2 It's just

Speaker 46 after everything we've been through today,

Speaker 9 couldn't Chapman have been guilty of something

Speaker 9 besides just being Chapman?

Speaker 7 And so the case was solved. There was a great celebration that spilled out onto the streets and everyone in the village got involved.
Even Rudyard.

Speaker 7 On the outskirts, as usual.

Speaker 7 He didn't come away empty-handed, however.

Speaker 7 He pinched the council's kettle when nobody was looking.

Speaker 8 Tinker Taylor Undertaker was written by David K.

Speaker 8 Barnes and was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddiard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Alison Skilbeck as Agatha Doyle, Katrina Knox as Lady Templar, Sean Baker as Mayor Desmond Desmond, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Ellie Dickens as Miss Scruple, and Belinda Lang as Madeline.

Speaker 8 Original music composed by James Whittle. The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios and was produced and directed by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 6 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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