Season 3 Episode 6: Tinker Tailor Undertaker

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Radiard Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale.

It used to be the only one, it isn't anymore.

Radiard used to sit on the village council and he knows he hasn't been missed, but sometimes fate plays funny tricks and allows one to settle old scores.

Wooden Overcoats by David K.

Barnes.

Season 3, Episode 6.

Tinker, Taylor, Undertaker.

Nothing that morning suggested that the day would hold any surprises.

Seeing as I was behind on some deadlines, this suited me down to the ground.

At 10, I stepped away from my typewriter, shook some life back into my paws, and stepped out through the hole in the skirting board to see what was going on.

Now look here, what?

Look, I've told you before, you can have your money or the body back, but you can't have both.

Roger, are you sure you should be quite a bit more?

Leave this to to me, Antigone.

I'll tell you why, shall I, Mrs.

Crackerjack?

Because I'm getting sick and tired of people like you that can't make up their minds.

Rajad!

If you wanted to cancel, then you should have done that before you booked with us, shouldn't you?

What?

I don't care if your brothers are over six foot seven.

Or heavyweight boxers.

Oh my god.

Okay, there are four of them.

I don't know why you keep bringing them up.

Alright, send them over.

But you're only wasting your time.

What do you want me to do?

Measure them?

Right, I'm gonna bring the body out.

What for?

So you'll still be in one piece by lunchtime.

What is she talking about?

Where's Georgie?

She's at the council.

Of course she is.

We employed her first, you know.

You hire an assistant, give her every opportunity, and then she spends half her time with the people that want to close you down.

You know, Madeline, that girl is getting too big for her boots.

Working for the mayor has gone to her head.

I mean, it's not as if it's ever helped us.

I didn't even get an invite to the New Year's Eve raffle.

I know I don't, but I'd still like to be asked.

After all I did for them.

Eleven years I was on that council.

They didn't even give me a gold watch.

Just a cupcake.

They've still got it somewhere.

Oh, you didn't?

Hello?

Ah, good morning, Miss Scripple.

Oh, Mr.

Fun.

I was hoping I'd catch you.

Haven't got any more dying relatives, have you?

Oh,

no.

No, too much to hope for, wasn't it?

So, what can I do for you this fine day, Miss Scruple?

Are we alone?

Do you have to stand that close?

Are we alone?

Well, I

suppose so, yes.

Oh,

good.

Get in the sack.

Sorry?

Get in the sack.

I shan't say why.

All right.

But there better be a good explanation.

Roger!

Roger, can you give me a hand with

Roger?

Roger?

The Crackerjack brothers.

They must have got him already.

Oh, well.

Serves him right.

Alarmed and delighted, I followed the canny old lady as she bore my landlord upon her back.

Down the back streets of Piffling Vale she skulked, twisting and turning as if she knew she might be followed.

Eventually, she reached her destination, and that's when things really got interesting.

Ow.

Was this journey really necessary?

I'm afraid so, Mr.

Fun.

But all shall be revealed in time.

It was Piffling's constable turned confectioner and back again, Agatha Doyle, looming over Ruddyard in the back room of the broken tooth.

She stubbed out her candy cigarette and turned to Miss Scruple.

You did exactly what I told you.

You talked to nobody?

Nobody.

Oh, except Bill.

Why, Bill?

But I like Bill.

So do I.

Miss Scruple is my new housekeeper, Mr.

Funn.

She knows the value of discretion and putting people in sacks.

Can she fetch you some refreshment?

Tea?

Coffee?

Perhaps a wine gum?

All I want to know is what I'm doing here.

I meant to be running a funeral, Parlor.

I'm sure your sister is more than capable of running it without you.

Ouch.

I meant for the day.

No, no, the damage is done.

So what do you want?

It's a delicate matter.

I've got a job for you.

Oh, somebody's died.

Wonderful.

When do I start?

It's not a funeral, but it is familiar territory.

The Village Council.

You worked on it for eleven years, I believe.

Yes, but I'm not a...

So you'd say you know the councillors pretty well, wouldn't you?

Again, yes, but I don't.

Are you as strong on your nursery rhymes, I wonder?

Tinker?

Tailor?

Soldier?

Sailor?

Rich man, poor man, baker man.

Thief.

We've got a rotten apple, Mr.

Funn.

On On the council.

And I need your help to find out who it is.

My help?

That'll be all for now, Miss Scookle.

In that case, I'll go and get the washing on.

Very well.

But be on your guard.

I will.

Now,

I want you to cast your mind back, Mr.

Funn, to when you were still on the council.

All right.

My question concerns a procedure of vital importance.

For is it not true that when the council met each month, you would send the secretary to buy the biscuits?

Oh my, definitely.

Nothing could be discussed till we had those biscuits safely in our hands.

Quite.

Quite.

When a meeting finished, we'd go to the kitchen and put some money in the biscuit jar so they could be purchased next time without delay.

That system remains in place.

With one difference, following the loss of the village baker in that mine disaster we all remember so fondly, the council switched to a regular order of chocolate wafers sold from here at the Broken Tooth.

Like these, Mr.

Fun.

They look nice.

They are nice.

Creamy and delicious, yet still undeniably wafers.

Each month, when the council meets, Miss Crusoe procures a box of these very wafers with the money from the jar.

But this morning, she did not.

But why?

At first, she wouldn't tell me but i used an old technique i developed during my days on the force what is it bribery a few boxes of fondant creams made her sing like a canary she said that between yesterday at five o'clock and this morning at ten past nine the entire contents of the jar had been stolen how much

a whole fiver

i know I gave her the usual assurances of police protection, but she wouldn't have it.

She's still there, among the suspects, and we've got to help her.

Well, this is all tremendously evolving, but I still don't see what you need me for.

You used to sit on this council.

You know these people, and you've worked with them.

When we interview the suspects, you might spot something that I cannot.

It sounds like you're really going to make them sweat.

Oh, they'll be perspiring like proverbial pigs, don't you worry?

I'm entirely on board with this.

Now to the suspects.

There are three of them.

And Chapman.

Mayor Desmond Desmond.

Oh, how silly.

Our man at the top.

My sources tell me that he's usually kept very busy, but it only takes a few seconds to swipe a fiver.

Then there's Reverend Nigel Wavering.

Bags of fuck!

He's never been able to make up his mind about anything.

Perhaps he can't decide between right and wrong.

And of course, there's the infamous Lady Templar.

I say.

The aristocrat who steals for the thrill of it is a well-known archetype.

Ms.

Doyle poured herself a tumbler of ginger pop.

So,

any thoughts before we kick off?

What about Chapman?

Enjoy yourselves.

Oh, your successor, of course.

What about him?

Isn't he a suspecter?

Oh, good heavens, no.

Most unlikely.

Eric Chapman, ridiculous.

He's as innocent as they come.

Perhaps too innocent.

So innocent as to become suspicious, you could say.

No, I couldn't.

Really?

No, I think you're barking up the wrong tree there.

Still, it would be unwise of us to rule him out completely.

We really wouldn't.

Yes.

All right.

Just saving you the bother.

Miss Scruple,

we're going hunting.

I'll get my wellies off.

Are you ready to step into the lion's den, Mr.

Funny?

One must always be ready to do one's duty, Miss Doyle.

Splendid.

And remember, trust no one.

No one.

Except Eric, of course.

He still might have done that.

Wasting your time.

In the mayor's office at the village hall, the councillors continued their work, entirely unaware that the full force of the law was bearing down upon them.

What is the next item on the agenda?

A debrief on the school's new play park.

Ah, yes, another of your grand ideas, Eric.

Thank you, Des.

I hope it's gone down well.

Actually, we've had complaints.

Really?

Complaints?

Yes, from the kiddies.

Apparently, the park is so much fun, their teachers keep using it instead.

Does that mean they like it, Nigel?

I think so, Eric.

Aha!

I meant to do that.

Go ahead.

Aho, bucker it.

You got the point across.

No, you threw me off.

Miss Doyle, what is the meaning of this intrusion?

I shall put it thus.

When is a door not a door?

When it's a fire escape.

Jar!

Jar!

When it's a jar.

Indeed.

And does that jar ring any bells for you?

She knows.

The missing fiver.

We all know about it, don't we?

Chapman?

Uh, yes?

This was supposed to be kept amongst ourselves.

You can't undermine trust in the council.

The public will rise up and destroy it.

Well, one of you should have thought about that before purloining a five-pound note from the council's coffers.

Mr.

Funn, first impressions?

Who looks guiltiest?

I'd say they all look pretty guilty to me.

Isn't that right,

Chapman?

I wish we had those wafers.

Now look here, everyone.

You may not remember me.

You're right, I don't.

But

over the course of this afternoon, I'm going to help make your lives a living help.

Steady on, Mr.

Von.

How did you ever get wind of this?

Well, let's just say a little bird told us.

Eh, Georgie?

Did you call the police?

Miss Ruchi.

She offered me fondant creams.

Well, I hope you're going to share them round.

Fine.

Yeah, well, too right as well.

Let's have three each.

Well, Miss Crusoe, since your cover's now been blown,

would you like to step outside with us?

Sure thing.

You, Lot, leave some sweets for me, all right.

Templar's had been.

Come on.

Come along, Miss Crusoe.

Just a fun.

We'll leave Miss Scruple to watch over the suspects.

Don't worry, Miss Doyle.

Nobody gets past Dotty.

I'd like to go to the toilet.

Well, you should have thought of that yesterday, then, shouldn't you?

Thanks for nothing, Rudyard.

I got caught in the moment.

Stop bickering.

She started it.

No, you did.

Miss Crusoe, can you recall everyone's movements this morning?

Who arrived when, and so on?

Well, I arrived at quarter nine, and Eric was already here.

Is he usually early?

Yeah, but never that much.

I knew it.

Case closed.

Shush!

What happened then?

Lady Templar got here bang on nine.

The Reverend was a few minutes later, looking a bit green.

Think he'd had a late one last night, if you know what I mean.

Where were you during all this?

Right here at my desk, playing with an elastic band.

May we see the elastic band?

No, you'll take it.

Your witness.

Did they all go straight through to the office?

Yep, nobody left it.

Then I got the jar from the kitchen and the money was gone.

That's about ten past nine.

And what about the man?

He rushed in a couple of minutes later, looking a right state.

Said something about his alarm clock not going off.

We got him up to speed on the missing money and he sent me to cancel the order.

Why did you come to the shop?

You could have phoned.

Meh, it's easier to bribe me in person.

You mean you you were going to tell me anyway?

Yeah, but I really like fondant creams.

Don't blast it.

And what about yesterday?

Couldn't tell you.

I left at five and the money was still there in the kitchen when I washed the mugs.

Was there anyone here?

Just the mayor in his office.

But Eric came in as I went out, so he could have been around for a while.

Ah, everything comes back to Chaplin.

I really hope it's him.

We could chuck him in prison and throw away the key.

It'd be great, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Stop conspiring.

We can't just speculate speculate wildly that may be how the professionals do it but agatha doyle plays by nobody's rules so what are we going to do we are going to ask questions mr fun

but first we'll need to establish a base of operations

agatha booked the games room with immediate effect and a small financial deposit A short while later, I watched keenly as Mayor Desmond Desmond sat down at a ping-pong table opposite Agatha and Rudyard, and the first interrogation began.

Mr.

Mayor, where were you at 5 p.m.

yesterday?

Oh, God.

I know this one.

Um, uh, oh, I'm, um, um, in your.

In my.

Your.

Your.

My, my.

In your office?

Yes, that's right.

In my office.

Georgie told us that.

Did she?

Good girl.

Well, then, um, I'm glad I could help you.

We're not quite done yet.

How long did you remain in your office after Miss Crusoe left?

Oh, let me see now.

About an hour, I think.

Where did you go?

Straight home.

I made myself a weak potato curry, watched a film starring that new boy everybody's on about, George Clooney, and went to bed.

Between five and six, did you see anybody here at the hall?

Only Nigel wishing me good night.

A bit early for that?

He was attending some sort of due at the Cypriot High Commission, and it was going to get quite raucous.

He stayed at the Vicarage last night, so he wouldn't wake me up the night before a meeting.

When did you see him?

Oh, I don't know exactly.

He was taking Eric with him, though.

I think I heard them chatting in the reception, but that's all I could tell you.

I was working, you see.

You say you were working, your worship.

Don't put words in my mouth, young man.

He didn't.

Oh, I see.

In that case, I did say that, yes.

So between five and six,

you were busy.

Exactly.

I see.

How busy?

Ooh, really?

Very busy, you'd say.

Yes.

You'd say that, would you?

I would.

And just how often are you kept very busy?

Uh, um-hmm.

I'll have to hurry you.

Uh, well, uh, usually, to be honest.

Usually.

Mm-hmm.

I'm usually kept very busy.

Yes.

You're usually kept very busy, are you?

Yes, I am.

You're usually kept very busy.

Yes, I am.

You're bluffing, your worship.

You're bluffing.

And I have no choice but to sentence you to death.

Who's on trial now?

Please, Mr.

Fun, control yourself.

This is no time to be vindictive.

It's a perfect time.

Get off the table and sit down.

That'll be all, Mr.

Male.

Oh, I see.

Pleasure, Miss Doyle.

Oh, why were you late to the meeting this morning?

My love joy alarm clock didn't whack me up.

Thank you.

Mr.

Funn, this is a serious inquiry.

You must calm down.

I'm sorry, Miss Doyle.

What did you think about him?

All we know is that he still could have done it.

Nothing in his story changes that.

Maybe if I kept yelling at him.

No.

The next to be seen was Reverend Wavering, still nursing a hangover of biblical proportions.

Oh,

You're not going to need me long, are you?

Everything hurts, you see.

I hear you went to a party last night.

Yeah, you know those high commissioners.

They love an all-night rave.

And you came here to the hall on the way.

Yes, about quarter past five to see Desmond.

And Eric was here in reception.

We were going to the party together.

I hope his stomach doesn't feel like mine.

Exactly how guilty did Chapman appear?

Only a bit distracted.

We talked for a while, and suddenly Lady Templar appeared from the kitchen, laughing her head off.

Oh gosh, I do feel a tadpeaky.

Sorry, laughing her head off.

I don't know what she's got to laugh about.

Apparently, she's absolutely skint these days.

She just walked right past us and left the hall as I went into Desmond's office.

Leaving Eric Chapman unsupervised?

Yes, for five minutes or so.

Then we we went to the party and I can't remember much after that.

Thank God.

Ow,

how silly.

When did Chapman leave the party last night?

Oh,

long before me.

Don't have an aspirin there.

So if he didn't steal the money earlier, he could have gone back to the hall and stolen it then.

Yes, but then so could I.

Were it not for the fact I was nine brandy sours down,

which I think might be about to come back up again.

Will you excuse me?

By all means, Reverend.

Thank you.

Oh, dear me.

Those fondant creams were a bad idea then.

No, sweet Jesus, out of the way.

Whoa, watch out.

Sir, there's a telephone call for you.

Oh.

Uh, excuse me for a second, Miss Doyle.

You're right now, my Reverend.

I'm in hell.

Good out.

Now, look here.

What's your name?

Where's your alibi?

I'd like it to be.

Who?

Antigone!

Oh, yes.

I'd forgotten.

How have you been?

I've been calling up everywhere to find you.

Were you worried?

No, just annoyed.

Wait a second.

Too with you in a moment, Lady Templar.

Don't talk to me.

Right, you up.

Okay.

Antigone, you assang?

What are you doing for Missy's sake?

I'm solving a mystery with Agatha Doyle.

You're solving a mystery with Agatha Doyle.

Yep.

Your point?

I don't want to solve a mystery with Agatha Doyle.

Well, you can't.

It's mine.

How dare you?

Get your own.

Some people.

Now, look here.

I don't want to sit around here all day while you're off having adventures.

I want adventures.

You're always having adventures.

I want another one.

I can solve mysteries.

I'm handling it.

I'm better at doing it than you are.

No, you're not.

I am.

You're not.

Come on, Rudyard.

You can solve this.

It's time to get procedural.

Where were you on the night of November the 5th?

Sit down and shut up.

Oh, sorry, Madeline.

Now, Lady Templar, you were saying.

Last night I was at home with my husband, and this morning I was at home with my husband.

He'll corroborate that?

I doubt it.

Simon couldn't care less about me.

And what about your little visit here yesterday?

What little visit was that?

The Reverend said you passed him coming out of the kitchen at quarter past five, laughing your head off.

That's hardly a crime.

That depends on what you're laughing about.

The elation of stealing a five-pound note would make any criminal tautal.

There was an amusing cartoon on the fridge.

What of?

A large cat eating lasagna.

I popped in to see it again, and it was just as funny the second time.

And was anyone else in reception?

Yes, Eric.

If you ask me, he's your man.

What?

Really?

Hmm, yes, you can see it in his eyes.

I wouldn't trust Chapman as far as I could throw him, which wouldn't be very far, unless it was out of a hot air balloon.

Oh, that would have been marvellous.

Yes!

I am so willing to trust this witness.

Thank you, Lady Templar.

That'll be all.

Don't mind me.

I think that about wraps things up, don't you?

Good grief, Rudyard.

It can't have escaped your notice that Lady Templar and Eric were lovers.

What?

Oh, Lord, of course they were.

Until an acrimonious break-up some weeks ago.

And don't you think that might prejudice Lady Templar against him in any way?

Only if she left him because he was planning to steal the five-pound note.

I don't think so, Rudyard.

Mr.

Funtz.

Rudyard.

And I happen to think Lady Templar is the most suspicious suspect we've got.

Guilty, you could say.

Come in!

Hello?

Oh!

Oh, do excuse me, Mr.

Chapman.

Come in.

Sit down.

How's the investigation going?

Any promising leads?

Yes.

But you needn't worry about that.

There were just a few questions I wanted to ask you.

Formalities, really.

Not at all.

Please.

Anything I can do to help.

Yesterday, you arrived here at the hall at what time?

Five o'clock.

Georgie was leaving as I was coming in.

Did she seem happy to see you?

No.

In fact, she swore under her breath.

Satisfied?

Hugely.

Please.

Was there anybody else there when you arrived?

I believe the mayor was in his office, but I didn't go in.

Why not?

He sounded very busy, which I suppose he usually is.

So instead, I ended up playing with a truly entertaining elastic band I found on Georgie's desk.

I never get nice things.

What brought you to the hall that evening?

To meet Nigel.

We were going on to the party together.

The Cypriot High Commissioner's an old mate of mine.

She helped me out, too.

Oh, uh, long time.

Skip it.

At what time did the Reverend appear?

About 5:15.

Did anybody else arrive between 5 and 5.15?

Yes, at Lady Temple, I did.

Did Did you converse?

A little.

Not as much as I'd have liked.

Did she go anywhere?

Yes, she went into the kitchen, sort of in and out, then left the building.

I guess she wanted to speak to the mayor and decided it could wait.

Mr.

Chairman, this is a delicate question, but do you think Lady Templar could have taken the money?

As much as any one of us.

I had plenty of opportunities last night and again this morning.

So, you admit your guilt?

A wise decision?

No, because I haven't got a motive.

Like Lady Templar, I'm not exactly short of money right now, and whilst I do love your chocolate wafers, Miss Doyle, I'm happy to pay for them the same as anyone else.

Naturally, I don't think we need detain you any longer.

Great.

Well, I hope you catch him.

Just one more thing, Chapter.

Oh, please, Rodiard.

No, no, I'm happy to answer.

What is it, Rodiard?

Why did you say Lady Templar wasn't short of money?

Because she isn't.

Reverend Wavering said that she was.

In fact, he said she was skint.

He must be wrong.

But now I remember that you and I both know that Lady Templar is broke.

because she told us at the yacht club some weeks ago when she wanted to get a free funeral.

So why did you say that she wasn't short of money?

Uh

well,

slip of the tongue.

Shall I go now?

Miss Crusoe said you were at least fifteen minutes early this morning.

Yes.

Why?

Mr.

Chapman?

I'm sorry, I can't tell you that.

Mr.

Chapman, if you're obstructing the course of justice, I shall have to give you quite the telling off.

I know that, Miss Doyle.

I may put you on a charge.

I may put you in prison.

I shall most certainly cease your half-price discount on Turkish delight at the broken tooth.

Why were you early to the meeting this morning?

I...

That is to say.

I...

We've got him, Adeline, at last.

No!

The charade must end.

Lady Templar!

Eric, you can't sacrifice yourself like this, not for me.

But he wants to, don't spoil it.

I'm here to tell you that Eric is an innocent man.

And not only that, but I have proof.

No, no, no.

The table, Rogers!

Oh, for God's sake.

Spit it out, Templar.

He knows why I was here yesterday.

I needed to go into that kitchen, but it wasn't for the money.

No, it wasn't that.

Vivian, stop.

I needed the sugar.

That's right, I.

I have become

addicted to sugar.

Bless my soul.

I need it.

I crave it.

Nobody could know.

I spent all my money on a bootleg supply.

I stripped my home clean of all the sugar I had.

There was no one to turn to.

I would have understood.

I myself have known the alarming effect of indulging in dolly mixtures.

And then yesterday, I thought of the council and delicious cups of sweet, sweet tea.

And so you came here to get your sugary fixed.

Great big spoonfuls of it.

Oh, the energy.

Oh, the buzz.

That's why I went into the kitchen after her to confirm what I'd already suspected.

The bag was almost empty.

And so you arrived early this morning.

To prevent her from lapsing again, yes.

Yes!

But whilst I may be a glutton for glucose, I am not a thief.

When I left the kitchen, the fiver was still there.

One of us is the culprit, but it isn't me, Mrs.

Doyle.

You've got to believe me.

You've got to believe me.

me.

Well,

after they'd sent for the doctor and left Lady Templar in his capable, exhausted hands, Agatha and Rudyard decamped to the kitchen to get their heads around the facts so far.

I was as baffled as either of them, so simply gnawed on a stale cream cracker.

Your tea, Miss Lyle.

Thank you.

Sugar?

No!

It changes nothing, of course.

She could still have taken the cash.

We've only her word that she didn't.

Yes.

Which means Chaplin's still a suspect.

Yes!

And yet I do believe him.

And Lady Templar.

That mad laughter was quite compelling.

And there's still the Reverend and the Mayor.

They all had the opportunity.

But who had the motive?

I've not been as helpful as you expected, have I?

I said.

I heard what you said.

Roger!

There you are!

Oh.

Hello, Antigone.

Don't hello, Antigone, me.

You left me at the shop all day, entirely alone with no one to talk to.

You must have loved that.

Every minute of it.

But now, I'm here to solve a mystery with you, and you're going to accept it.

What good can you do?

You've missed all the interviews, and Lady Templar's checked into rehab.

Oh, let's give her the facts.

It can't do any harm.

But she wasn't invited.

Look, five pounds has been stolen from this kitchen between 5 p.m.

yesterday and today at 10 past nine.

It must have been Lady Templar, the Mayor, the Reverend, or Eric Chapman.

There.

Now you know everything.

Why can it not be Georgie?

Miss Crusoe.

She reported the crime in the first place, so I hardly think so.

Besides, if she'd stolen the money, she'd have replaced it before anyone noticed.

That goes for any of the suspects, surely.

Well, yes, of course.

Of course.

I see.

Young lady, I think you've solved the crime.

Oh, what?

Yeah.

Come along, you two.

There isn't a moment to lose.

But I but

I had not, but I

We were soon assembled in the mayor's office.

I cast my eyes over the remaining three suspects, swiveling their eyes, mopping their brows, and awkwardly tugging at their collars in unison.

It was time for us all to find out who'd done it.

Is everyone ready, Miss Scoopel?

Oh, yes, we've all made our bets, haven't we?

I put a quid on each of us.

Now then, I have spoken with each of you over the course of this afternoon, and I have thrown aside the irrelevant facts like toffies from a box of Quality Street.

Yet, it was Antigone Funn who set my mind on the right tracks when she tried to implicate Miss Crusoe in the theft.

Chairs on Tiger, eh?

I was trying to be thorough.

A criminal will either abscond with the booty or cover their tracks and avoid suspicion, neither of which happened happened in this case.

The thief remained a suspect, and they must have known the crime would be detected.

So, why did that person do it?

Well,

why did they?

I've no idea.

Well, hang on.

I do know who did it.

You see, every one of you had an opportunity to steal the money, but only one of you had no opportunity to replace it.

Isn't that right?

Mayor Desmond Desmond.

Oh, goodness me.

Desi?

No.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, all right, it was me.

I knew it.

Oh,

my God.

Mr.

Mayor.

After all I've done for you.

But I only intended to borrow it.

Miss Doyle's right.

I wanted to replace it, but I arrived too late this morning to do so.

You told us your alarm clock failed to wake you.

That's true.

Because I was nowhere near my alarm clock last night.

I wasn't even on this island.

Good lord.

I think you'd better tell us what's going on.

I awoke this morning in a bed and breakfast on the island of Alderney, in the middle of town.

And let me tell you, when they say town, they mean town.

At least now I know what I'm shooting for.

But it did make me quite depressed.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Well, last night I'd taken a trip to Alderney to collect a certain purchase that I couldn't have made here in Piffling.

I left the hall at five thirty to get to the docks, but I hadn't any change for the boat fare, and there was no time to rush home, so I borrowed the five pound note.

Ah, now it all becomes clear, because you're telling us.

But having made my purchase in Alderney, I missed the boat coming back, so I had to stay there for the night.

I didn't even have time to change clothes when I came back.

I just rushed straight for the hall, but I was too late.

You'd all noticed the money was gone.

But why couldn't you just tell us all this in the first place?

Because,

well,

because

this is the purchase I made on Alderney.

It's

an engagement ring for you, Nigel.

You see, I'd like to marry you, and I wanted to surprise you over over dinner or on a holiday, but, well, here we are in the middle of a criminal investigation, and I've confessed, so I suppose now

we'll have to do

my back.

Nigel,

will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?

Oh, you didn't have to get me.

Oh,

yes!

Of course I will.

Oh, thank God.

Oh,

splendid.

Help me up.

Somebody.

Here we go, Cham.

Bloody hell.

I hope I don't need to do this again.

You won't.

Oh, you silly old mare.

Come here.

Um, Miss Doyle, here's a replacement fiver, and I do hope that any charges against me might be dropped entirely.

Congratulations, Desmond, Nigel.

Yes, um, no hard feelings about the interrogating.

None taken.

Well, actually.

I couldn't be happier for you.

This is brilliant.

Thank you, Eric.

In fact, given that it was you who brought us together in the first place, I was wondering if you might like to be my best man.

Oh, and mine?

Oh, by me.

Well, yes?

Bloody yes, of course.

Hurrah!

This would turn out remarkably well.

Oh, they are jolly good fellows,

for they are jolly good fellows.

You should be smiling.

This is a happy thing.

Even I know a happy thing when I say all of us.

I'm glad for both of them.

It's just

after everything we've been through today,

couldn't Chapman have been guilty of something

besides just being Chapman?

And so the case was solved.

There was a great celebration that spilled out onto the streets and everyone in the village got involved.

Even Rudyard.

On the outskirts, as usual.

He didn't come away empty-handed, however.

He pinched the council's kettle when nobody was looking.

Tinker Taylor Undertaker was written by David K.

Barnes and was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddiard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Alison Skilbeck as Agatha Doyle, Katrina Knox as Lady Templar, Sean Baker as Mayor Desmond Desmond, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Ellie Dickens as Miss Scruple, and Belinda Lang as Madeline.

Original music composed by James Whittle.

The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios and was produced and directed by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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