Season 3 Episode 3: Rudyard Takes a Hike

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Ruddyard Funn runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale.

It used to be the only one.

It isn't anymore.

Ruddyard's a fairly conservative man who shies away from excitement.

But to rectify his past mistakes, he must face the great outdoors.

Wooden Overcoats, created by David K.

Barnes, Season 3, Episode 3.

Ruddiard Takes a Hike by Rosie Fletcher.

The island of Pifling isn't much fun for children.

It's rarely much fun for anyone else either.

But at least a grown-up won't get enrolled in the Piffling Scouts, where children face 10-mile rambles around and around the village square.

The untimely death of Scout leader Drudgery Bunts has cheered them all up, however, And fun funerals has been left with the body.

Right, everyone, I want a good, clean funeral tomorrow.

In, out, and home again before anyone complains about me.

Antigone, how's the patient?

Ready to go and wearing his uniform.

Are you sure we can't spare a coffin, sir?

He didn't want one, Georgie.

If a client wants to be cremated in a sleeping bag, then fun funerals won't say no.

Because it's cheaper.

That's right.

Any questions?

Yes, do we have a bigger sleeping bag for the body?

Why?

One of his feet is sticking out.

Eh, no, that'll probably do.

Probably do.

Is that what we're aiming for?

Probably do.

He walked into that one.

Would you like the bespoke funeral package, madam?

No, just throw my husband down the well.

It'll probably do.

In this case, it probably would.

He was hardly beloved.

He liked shouting at small children and playing with strings.

So do you.

Yes, so if he's as unpopular as I am, then no one will show up, and it won't matter what we do.

Right, six o'clock, and we are

close.

Antigone, go and get some boiling water.

Do it yourself.

It's your turn.

And you've clearly made yourself a hot chocolate already.

Look!

Don't drink that!

Why?

Because you don't want to share.

No, because it's the contents of the scout leader's stomach.

So the little marshmallows.

The last thing he ate before he died, yes.

How'd he die, anyway?

That doesn't sound fatal.

It isn't, but he treated it with his only scouting knowledge.

What was that?

Waiting until he got gangrene and dying.

He was always doing things like that, old bunce.

How'd you know him?

You may not believe it, but I used to be in the scouts myself for a few months.

I decided it wasn't for me.

Actually, I made the choice to leave.

Because they were going to kick you out.

Oh, what a few months they were.

The structure.

The scheduling.

Yes, yes, yes.

Roll call, stick-wittling, a sleeve full of badges.

Sleeve full of badges.

All right, a sleeve full of badge.

Half a badge.

Some of us never got to enjoy it even briefly.

You were diagnosed with an allergy to other children.

That's not my fault.

Not your fault.

You've testified to a doctor.

And I'd do it again.

Hey, I'm running late.

The mayor told me to supervise the scouts until they elect a new scout leader.

You're not going for the job, are you?

Nah.

You think it's all going outside and teaching children new skills, but there's a lot of slow and tedious happening.

It doesn't get better than that.

Sure.

See you guys tomorrow.

No, those really were the days, Antigone.

No, they weren't.

They were awful.

You hated the other kids because none of them wanted to talk about funerals or death or how you'd spent the weekend embalming their gram.

Well, you got the two of us lost in Pippin Woods overnight simply so you could get an outdoorsman badge which you didn't even earn.

I would have earned it if they hadn't kicked me out.

Ahwa!

I thought you said I know what I said!

I always told myself I'd do it again one day.

Once Scout Leader Bunts was out of the way, I'd go back.

Do it properly.

Show them how it's done.

Take your revenge.

Take my revenge, yes.

Well, you'll have to wait for his replacement to retire now.

Yes.

Or will I?

Yes.

Or

will I?

The emphasis won't make it any different.

Signy,

Dreadful.

Good.

Bring the sleeping bag.

I've had an idea.

Whilst Rudyard put his plan into action, Georgie arrived at the Piffling Scout Hut to find her least favorite person paying a visit, Eric Chapman.

I said, quieten down.

Douglas, stop shoving.

Carl, I can see you in that corner.

Come and stand with everyone else.

Right, you know, boisterous bunch.

Nothing I can't handle.

I said, stop shoving.

I like shoving.

Shut up.

Okay.

As you know, Scout Leader Bunts has a...

How do I put this for you, Lot?

He's no longer with us.

Yeah, he's snuffed it.

So, Mr.

Chapman from the Council here has come to help you out this evening.

Hello, everyone.

Please call me Eric.

You may know me for my work at Chapman's, the funeral home.

The one with a water style.

That's the one.

I also work on the Council, looking after cultural stuff, like the Morris Dancing Group, the Morris Minor Group, the Maurice Chevalier Order of Knights, and of course the Piffling Scouts.

Can we burn something now?

Yeah, not yet.

Now, it's going to be very difficult to find someone who can replace Scout Leader Bunts, mainly because no one's put themselves forward.

What?

Norby.

Well, there was old Fireside Phil, but I thought he'd set a bad example.

Because he's an arsonist.

Yes, and his application came in late.

But there's no need to worry, kids, because I would be absolutely delighted to take over as the leader of the Piffling Scouts.

Come on.

Without a scout leader, this group will have to close.

All these kids will be left with nothing to do.

No, I'd do clarinet lessons.

Gymnastics, drinking.

And I've got all sorts of ideas.

What about knots, eh?

What about them?

See, lots to learn.

Then there's lashing wood together to make a stretcher for an injured badger and learning the scouting promise in Latin.

It's all in the programme.

What about going up hills or jumping over things and setting things on fire?

Oh, well, I don't think that's.

First side, Phil should have got the job.

Yeah, dad was robbed.

Georgie, they they don't seem interested in the scouting programme.

Yeah.

What do they like then?

They're quite into running about and shoving.

Is that part of the scouting programme?

Yeah, Eric.

They're all on track to earn their shoving badge this term.

That's a joke, isn't it?

You decide.

Okay, guys, well, how about we start?

Stop right there, Chapman!

Evening, Rudyard.

Rudyard.

Greetings, Georgie.

Greetings, young people.

I do hope I'm not interrupting your meeting.

You know you are.

And I couldn't be happier.

You're swooping in to steal a dead man's job before he's even in my ground.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Right, young people!

Oh, well,

when you put it like that, I suppose it is a little bit soon.

I'm sorry, everyone.

You all want to jump over something.

I should at least have waited till after the funeral.

When is it, by the way?

Tonight!

And to go there!

What is it?

Scout leader, Bunts!

Children, cover your eyes!

That's the big idea.

What better way to send off a beloved scout leader than by having his own scouts do the sending off?

I'm not entirely sure you've thought this through.

He definitely hasn't.

Somebody stop him.

Listen here, kids.

I'm going to lead you all on a great scouting adventure.

Think of all the skills you'll acquire, or the badges you can earn,

the fires you can start.

Yes!

Then join me in a voyage into the unknown, into the depths of the piffling woods.

Rudyard, this sounds really quite dangerous.

May one ask, were you ever actually a scout chapman?

Well, no, but I was in the Army Reserves by the age of 12.

Then you wouldn't understand.

Come on, kids!

I promise you adventure and trees.

Are you with me?

Yes!

They've kidnapped my scouts.

Nice one, Eric.

Like the legendary Pied Piper of Piffling, Rudyard led his scouts to the edge of the Pifling Woods.

Having failed to conquer the woods when he was ten years old, Rudyard returned with both steely determination and an irritated sister.

Rudyard!

Oh, I know what you're going to say, Antigone, but I've thought this through to the very last detail.

You're going to wow the scouts into making you scout leader by taking them on an intrepid adventure funeral.

Yep, that's about it.

You can't just use somebody's funeral for your own purposes.

I don't see why, it's easy enough.

But you're always talking about going the extra mile for our clients.

I made the corpse smell of pine trees and squirrels, and I bet you don't care in the slightest.

Yep, what's your point?

You only ever ever listen to me when you can take what I say and ruin it.

I can't think of anything more suitable for a dead scout leader than being surrounded by his own scouts in the great outdoors, honing their scouting craft.

And if I become the new scout leader in the process, then that's just a bonus.

A lovely, shiny bonus, Court Justice.

Court justice.

They kicked you out because you weren't any good at it.

You only had half a badge in folk dancing.

If you round it up, that's a full badge.

Now, gather around, kids.

You don't hate too close.

Yeah, they're just

Now look here.

We're going to carry out a funeral for your old scout leader and learn survival skills along the way.

Sir, I love your chopping lap.

We certainly are.

It's going to be fun.

And we're all going to earn our woodland funeral batches, aren't we, kids?

That's not a thing.

That's never been a thing.

Roger, don't you think you've got a bit carried away?

Look, in fact, for the first time,

I feel alive.

That's against everything we stand, but

usually, and correct me if I'm wrong here, Georgie.

Usually, scout activities have some kind of plan to them and some responsible adults, and they don't usually involve setting the previous scout leader on fire.

Do you really want to tell these small, recently bereaved scouts that they aren't allowed to pitch into the woods and perform a funeral?

Yeah, that's exactly what I want to tell them.

Well, you can't.

We haven't got time.

The sun's down in two hours, and we'll all be back here by then.

All except scout leader Bunce, of course.

Why don't you let us help?

Hivling woods may be small, but they're incredibly dense.

Don't worry.

He's got loads of experience with being small and incredibly dense.

I don't need any help.

I can do this myself.

No, you can't.

At least let me come with you.

But you hate this kind of thing.

You're right.

At least let Georgie come with you.

Look, Antigone, Georgie, I spent only three months in the scouts before they threw me out for having a strange name, a proclivity for timetabling, and for losing my sister in the woods against all adult advice.

This is my big chance to prove they were wrong.

It's my second bite at the roasted marshmallow.

Just give me two hours.

I have to do this alone.

Aside from a whole contingent of scouts.

Right, kids, grab the sleeping bag and into the woods we'll show the past what for.

Well,

well,

nice one, Eric.

Radiard left his sister, his employee, and his sworn enemy behind him.

With every step, he grew bolder and happier.

His confidence was both joyful to behold and entirely misplaced.

Well, this is it.

Dappled suddenly, nature's bounty.

The gentle flap of Neckerchief on shirt.

Let's have a roll call.

We did that before you arrived.

Well, now we're doing it again.

Guerrilla Patrol?

Yeah.

Baboon Patrol?

Yeah.

Bassoon Patrol?

Excellent, excellent.

All present and correct.

Mr.

Fun, you've forgotten my patrol.

Which patrol's that?

Calliope Patrol.

Oh,

right.

Calliope Patrol?

Here!

Why are you the only one in your patrol?

Because she's weird.

No, no, no, Douglas.

That's not fair.

I'm sure she has a rational explanation for being weird, don't you?

Um...

Calliope, such Such a strange name.

Yes.

No, it isn't.

There are lots of children called Rudyard.

I mean, Calliope.

There are lots of children called Calliope.

There aren't really.

Well, there should be.

Now let's divvy up tasks for the evening, shall we?

Guerrilla Patrol, you're on pole bearer duty.

I want to see you all using those shoulders.

Alright, what should the rest of us do?

What?

Oh, yes.

Well, the rest of you just scavenge.

For what?

Oh, you know, berries and carrion.

Are the berries safe to eat?

A badge to the first scout who finds out.

Excuse me, Mr.

Fun.

Scout leader Fun.

I have some questions about the funeral.

You have?

Brilliant.

I suppose you want to know how we get the body in the bag in the fire on time.

Actually, I'd like to know about the embalming fluids.

The embalming fluids?

Because I brought this my first embalming kit, but the fluids seem woefully inadequate, and I wanted to know if you had any experience with bespoke embalming fluids.

Like

scented ones.

Yeah, that's that's it.

Also,

that mouse in your pocket.

Madeline, yes.

If it dies, could I have it to practice on?

My mum won't let me have pets anymore.

Uh,

let's talk about that later.

Mr.

Fun, Scout Leader Fun.

Where are we doing the funeral?

Oh, uh, oh, this place will probably do.

You can't just choose a funeral spot because it will probably do.

It needs more care than that.

Do you have an allergy to other children?

Yes.

I rather like it.

Right.

Let's skirt round this.

Look, where are we actually doing this funeral?

Yeah, this corpse is really heavy.

Oh, it can't be that bad.

I'm ten.

On reflection, I say we go straight to the heart of the woods.

But there could be ghosts and wolves.

And the piffling witch!

Not while I'm around, there won't be.

Best foot forward.

That's the first rule of scouting.

Georgie said the first rule was stop shoving, Douglas.

Well, Georgie isn't here.

Great.

Stop shoving, Douglas.

Now, let's get moving.

First one to the center gets to throw the body on the fire.

Meanwhile, as Rudyard led his scouts deeper into their heart of darkness, Antigone, Georgie, and Eric stood waiting at the edge of the woods, anxious for their return.

The sun's almost completely set.

He said that five minutes ago.

It's even more almost completely set than it was then.

It happens every night, you know.

Yes, but I usually don't have to watch it like this.

Waiting for it to set.

Like a a big jelly.

It's been two hours.

I'd say we better rescue those scouts from whatever calamity may have happened.

So rescue them from Rudyard, Ben.

We should never have come here.

It's too

outdoors.

It's alright.

It's dark now.

You like the dark?

I like my dark.

The one you make with curtains and walls and small wooden boxes.

This dark is all open and.

hooty.

Right, I guess we better get searching.

Where do we start?

Well, we can probably rule out anywhere that wasn't the woods they entered two hours ago.

I meant we don't know where they are in the woods.

Yeah, that's why we've got to go and look for them.

Sort of the whole problem, Eric.

If we don't plan this carefully, we'll get lost.

The woods aren't that big.

But they're incredibly dense.

But they're not that big.

But they are, and let me reiterate this: incredibly dense.

What did I ever do to the owls?

Dare not now.

Okay, Eric.

What are we going to do then?

I suggest we go back to the village, gather the necessary equipment, and then use my helicopter to search the woods from above.

Wait.

A helicopter?

You've got a helicopter.

Yes.

Haven't you?

You bastard!

No!

Let's just get back to the soldiing this.

There's no need.

I've got the necessary equipment right here.

Oh.

A torch.

Yeah?

Where's yours?

I've got my phone.

Yeah, we've all got a phone, Eric.

Well, he's got the torch, eh?

Who's got the torch?

Give me that.

Oh, very funny.

Holding it under your chin to look all scary.

I'm not holding it under my chin.

Oh, dear.

Right, we better split up so we can cover more ground.

That's the first thing we shouldn't do.

It's better than your plan, which is so bad, but I'm giving up an opportunity to fly in a helicopter to not do it.

Can we?

We'll have a better chance of seeing them from the air.

We'll have a better chance of dying from exposure whilst we're going back to your private theme park.

But if we split up, we may not find each other again.

I'm perfectly happy with that outcome.

Listen, I'm just trying to outline the most simple and sensible.

Shut up!

We're not splitting up, and we're not getting a helicopter.

We're going into the woods to find them together and we're doing it right now.

And no arguing.

Antigone.

Now we have to go in.

She won't last five minutes in there by herself.

Yeah.

Nice one, Eric.

Could you not?

Elsewhere, deep within the heart of the woods, Rudyard still awaited the opportunity to show off his scouting mastery.

He was leaving it pretty late.

What was that?

It's a twig.

What's it done?

It snapped.

There are a lot of them about.

What with it being a wood?

Yes.

Yes.

It is a wood, isn't it?

The woodiest wood of them all.

Filled with ghosts and wolves.

And the piffling witch.

Stop unnerving the scout leader, children.

Is it time for another roll call?

Not really.

I'm good at roll calls.

Are you?

Are you alright back there on pallbearer duty?

Now careful, he's drooping.

This is always a problem.

You at the back, hoikim!

Hoikim!

You've got to- whoop!

Um, hello?

Yes.

I am stuck in a bog.

I'd rather not be.

Baboon patrol!

Where's Baboon Patrol?

They're still searching for carrion.

I found a dead snake, but actually it was alive.

And it bit me.

You think you've got problems?

I'm up to my knees in bog.

Oh, there's bog all over my knees.

Douglas, Martin, take his arms.

Why is she telling us what to do?

Do what she says.

Take my arms.

Stop waving them a bear.

I'm panicking.

Compensate for it.

Now, one, two, three.

He...

Oh!

Oh!

Okay.

Yes.

Thank you.

One point to each patrol.

We don't do points.

We do badges.

And fires.

There isn't a removing your scout leader from a bog badge.

And even if there was, you wouldn't own it if you'd left one of your scout leader's shoes behind in the bog.

Whoops.

Here, you can wear this.

It's a plastic bag.

That depends on your perspective.

Yes, no, it still seems to be a plastic bag.

But if you tie it onto your foot, your foot won't get soggy.

But I'd rather have my shoe.

And why would my foot get soggy?

How many bogs are there in this wood?

Quite a few.

We lost Bassoon Patrol in one half hour ago.

Why have we got a wood full of bogs anyway?

What use can they possibly have?

Come to Piffling Vale.

We've got a wood that's full of bogs.

If you come down to the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise, and it's bogs.

What else has this wretched place got in store for us?

Ghosts and wolves.

Piffling witch!

Now look here, what's all this about a piffling witch?

Everyone knows that story.

See, there's these two kids.

Twins?

Yeah, brother and a sister.

And 25 years ago, they get lost in the woods.

And when they come out, they're all weird and they only talk about death and stuff.

Right.

Because of the witch.

They didn't meet any witch.

I mean, they didn't meet any witch.

They did?

And the boy cried so hard he was sick.

It didn't happen.

It's just a story for scaring children.

Just because we lost in a woods in the dark with no means of escape, there's no reason to be more scared than we already are.

Not that I'm scared.

Who said I'm scared?

Who said that?

Was it you, Martin?

Haha!

I think that snake was poisonous.

Look, we're doing this funeral.

What?

I mean, I'm not fast, I'm having a right lap, but you don't seem to be.

I can assure you, I'm having the time of my life out here.

Scouting, dark, trees, bogs, foot in a plastic bag, you and your sister lost in the woods.

Oh god, it's happened again.

Mr.

Fun.

Scout Leader Fun.

Antigone, forgive me.

Please put me down.

I don't deserve a folk dancing badge.

Scout Leader Fun.

Yet?

I'm not Antigone.

I'm Calliope.

What?

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Um.

Sorry about that.

Perhaps we should

do the funeral now.

Would you all like to?

Yeah.

Could be a laugh.

Right.

Yeah.

Put Scout Leader Bunts down.

Now we'll, um.

need to get a fire going.

That's right.

Did anyone bring any fire with them?

Um.

Fire?

Anyone?

Come on, turn out your pockets.

Share it out.

Let's all have some.

I don't know how to make a fire, mate.

I think my stomach's on fire.

Because of the snake venom.

Scout leader fun.

Mr.

Fun.

I've got a tinderbox in my bag.

We can make a fire with it.

It's an inside an old biscuit tin.

I found it.

No, not that one.

It's got a dead bowl in it.

Oh God.

Be brave, Madeline.

I found it on the trail.

I'm embalming it for practice.

Oh, that's disgusting.

And so cool.

Yes, it is.

In a way.

It is cool.

Calliope Patrol, light the campfire.

The rest of you?

Let's watch and learn.

Whilst Radyard and the other other scouts prepared the wholesome task of cremating the corpse of the late scout leader Drudgery Bunts, Rudyard's would-be rescuers were failing to rescue Rudyard somewhere else in the woods.

Girl!

Could you both just wait a second?

What is it now?

I'm attached to something natural.

It was just some thorns.

Sure.

Felt very much like monstrous fingers dragging me off into some horrible fate.

No, it was thorns.

Stop scaring yourself.

You're not the boss of me.

Right.

Eenie, meanie, meanie, miny, mo.

This way, I think.

Who died and put you in charge?

Scout leader Bunts.

I'm sorry, that's literally what's happened in this situation.

Every direction looks equally unappealing.

Antigone's right.

We can't carry on like this.

Give us a leg up and I'll take a look from the top of this tree.

Oh, now you want an aerial view.

Eric, leg up.

Now.

All right, all right.

But don't kick me in the face.

My face.

All right, won't be long.

Well, no, my face hurts.

I mean,

well,

here we are again.

The two of us.

Ah, the two of us.

Alone.

In the dark.

Yes.

Does seem to happen to us, doesn't it?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Suppose it's not that dark.

Yes, it is.

Sure.

Well, remember, if you get

frightened, I could always

hold your hand again.

If you wanted.

Oh, no, no, I should be alright.

Oh.

After last time, I started taking behavioural therapy to conquer my fear of the dark, so no need to worry at all.

No?

No.

No.

No.

Every day, in every way, I'm getting better.

Oh, sorry, Eric.

Didn't see you down there in the mud.

Stop tanging on me.

Take your time, Georgie.

Thank you.

Ah, and I couldn't see anything.

It really is incredibly dense.

So shall we just go the way I suggested?

No, because we've already been that way.

No, we haven't, because we came from that direction.

But you've been leading us around in circles, so yeah, we did come that way, but we've also been here before.

Not again.

Georgie, we aren't going round in circles.

Well, I've seen that tree before, so.

It's nighttime in a wood, and you can tell the trees apart so well that you can identify the ones we've seen before.

Yeah.

How?

That branch is broken from how Antigone walked into it about 20 minutes ago.

I did do that, yes, but if we could just...

Then what direction do you suggest we go?

Not the one we've already been in for starters.

Fine.

Let's go this way, then.

That's where Antigone met all the moths.

Is there any part of this wood you can't identify by what happened to Antigone in it?

Enough!

This is exhausting.

I am exhausted, and I am covered in moth dust.

And I've been torn up by brambles, and my forehead really hurts from walking into that tree.

So I decided we are going in this direction.

Why that direction?

Because that's where the smoke is coming from.

And unless you've both forgotten, Rogard was going to conduct a cremation.

Thank you!

Good!

Thank you.

So, will you please both shut up and follow me?

No!

Georgie,

I appear to be stuck in a ball.

Rodiard and the scouts were finishing up their improvised cremation of Scout Leader Bunts.

I toasted half a marshmallow on a tiny twig over the embers of the funeral pyre, as Calliope brought the service to a close.

And so we go from here in memory of a fair man and a fair scout leader.

Dib, dib, dib.

Dob, dog, dog.

I'm glad we rescued Bassoon Patrol.

Thank you, Calliope.

I think that definitely earns you your Woodland Funeral batch.

Thank you.

It still doesn't exist.

I know.

I'll drop my marshmallow into the file.

Oh, don't fish it out, Douglas.

It counts as desecration.

Did you enjoy being in the scouts, Mr.

Fun?

Yes, I loved it.

Were you any good at it?

No.

Not in the slightest.

I was dreadful at scouting.

I am dreadful at scouting.

I just thought that tonight I'd prove that I could be a little less limited.

That's all.

I think the scout leader would have been pleased with his funeral.

And we all liked your folk dancing demonstration.

Well, I'm sorry I only knew the first half of it, but you conducted that funeral like a true professional.

To tell the truth, that was my first one.

Really?

Yeah.

If you'd never led us here, I wouldn't have had the opportunity.

And now I know for sure that when I grow up, I want to open my own funeral home just like yours.

Good for you.

You will move to a different island?

Yes.

Thank God.

Well, everyone,

I suppose we ought to wrap things up here.

Seems a shame to get a far going and not tell any stories around it.

He's right, Mr.

Fun.

Do you know any spooky stories?

No, not really.

Unless...

How about the real story of the witch in the woods from one of the twins who met her?

You see, it was a night not unlike this one.

A brave young boy and his already weird sister had ventured into Piffling Woods, just like us.

Despite the boy's excellent scouting skills, they got lost.

He wasn't scared, but his sister was.

She was absolutely terrified.

So to keep their spirits up, he began telling her about the witch of the woods.

Wouldn't that scare her more?

Oh my yes.

See, the boy had heard the stories of the witch in Piffling Woods, but because the woods were small yet incredibly dense, nobody had ever met her.

That is,

had never met her and survived.

The boy said his sister should stick close to him because the witch would capture unwary children and take them high into the trees and eat them.

But just then, as he said these words, the boy felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise up and heard a low cackling laugh from the bushes behind him.

And he turned around ever so slowly.

And there, in the trees, he saw.

She's here!

It's a witch!

She's not a witch, she's my sister.

Antigone, what are you doing here?

And what are you covered in?

I fell in a bog.

What happened to your shoe?

Nothing.

Oh, finally!

Well, thank goodness everyone's safe.

Georgie, Chapman!

What are you all doing here?

Well, we came to find you.

So why do you all look so miserable?

Because it was hard.

Hard?

Rubbish.

You just need to know how to sculpt.

Mr.

Funn found this clearing for the funeral.

Yeah, and Cal built a really hot fire and cremated Stout Leader Bunce good and proper like.

Then she cured my snake bite using science.

And then, Mr.

Funn began this story about how he got lost in the woods one time as he got to the bit where he cried so hard he was sick.

Not now, Antigone.

And now we know we should choose as a new scout leader.

Oh, really?

How do you like them, marshmallows, chapman?

Actually, no disrespect, Mr.

Funn, but we want Calliope.

Who's Calliope?

That's me.

Hello.

Hello.

She might be weird and have an embalmed bowl in her rucksack, but she knows her stuff.

You have an embalmed bowl in your rucksack?

Yep.

Would you like to see it?

Can I?

Here you are.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Yes, it's still squidgy.

Cal?

You want to be scout leader?

Yes, please.

That would be brilliant.

Yes.

Done.

Sorry, Eric.

No, no.

Fair enough.

No, no.

Fair enough.

Anyway, wow.

Right.

I reckon we should get these kids home.

I reckon we should ask the new scout leader what the scouts are doing, don't you?

I say, we ought to hear the end of Rudyard's story.

Yeah, it was great.

I was just about to wet myself.

Well, if you're all sure,

gather around the fire, everyone.

Now,

if you remember...

The witch was about to attack and things were getting very exciting.

I've wet myself!

And so, Rudyard's expedition into the woods had brought him some measure of comfort after all.

And a week after their irresponsible adventure, the new scout leader was proud to award him an official and recently invented Woodland Funeral Badge.

Of course, Rudyard was immediately kicked out of the Piffling Scouts again, but this time, it didn't hurt quite so much.

Ruddyard Takes a Hike was written by Rosie Fletcher and edited by David K.

Barnes.

It was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Alice Osmansky as Calliope, Catherine Bond as Douglas, Beck Bowie as Martin, Laura Kirker as the Bassoon Patrol, and Belinda Lang as Madeline.

Original music composed by James Whittle.

The production manager was Elizabeth Campbell.

The program was recorded at the Art Space Studios and was produced and directed by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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