Season 3 Episode 4: The Race for Piffling

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Speaker 4 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 1 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 5 He's going the distance.

Speaker 7 He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 1 When it started to change, it was quick.

Speaker 4 He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Speaker 1 Now? Charlie's sober. He's going to tell you the truth.
How do I present this with a class?

Speaker 4 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 1 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 8 Somebody call action.

Speaker 1 AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 9 Georgie Crusoe works in a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. It used to be the only one.
It isn't anymore. The people of Piffling are a happy bunch, led by a much-loved mayor.

Speaker 9 But politics can be a tricky game, as Georgie is about to find out.

Speaker 7 Wooden Overcoats, created by David K. Barnes.
Season 3, Episode 4, The Race for Piffling by Tom Crowley.

Speaker 9 I was sat upon the Piffling Cliffs, observing the funeral of a true true local legend, Sir Barclay Chipping, a beloved eccentric on the political scene who had perished in a tragic boating accident.

Speaker 10 And as Sir Barclay's new yacht slid off the trailer and crushed him to death, I'm sure he thought to himself, at least you did something for your community.

Speaker 13 After all, he ran for mayor seven times in a row, and whilst he lost pitifully on every occasion, he won a place in our hearts.

Speaker 13 And now for a tribute from his sparring partner over those many ignoble campaigns, Desmond Desmond.

Speaker 16 We shall all miss Sir Barkley and his amusing political alias, Barmy Baron Undercrackers, especially how he cartwheel around the village in those enormous underpants, not only on Polling Day, but on every other day of the calendar, excluding bank holidays, of course.

Speaker 4 And thank you all for wearing your largest pants today, as Sir Barkley specified in his will. I especially like the pair patterned with Mayor Desmond's face.

Speaker 16 I don't.

Speaker 12 Anyway, with no heir to replace him, we must also mourn Sir Barkley's political movement, the mandatory Big Pants Barley.

Speaker 16 Such a shame we won't see that familiar name next to mine on the ballot next week's election.

Speaker 14 Can I ask a question? I don't know.

Speaker 16 Can she, Nigel?

Speaker 21 Oh, yes.

Speaker 10 It's the QAs that make these funerals work, really.

Speaker 22 Then ask away.

Speaker 23 Will there be anyone else on the ballot next week?

Speaker 18 Oh, well, I suppose not.

Speaker 14 It'll just be little old me, all of my own.

Speaker 12 Maybe we shouldn't bother with an election.

Speaker 22 I mean, I don't mind, either way.

Speaker 23 Are you proposing to become some kind of dictator?

Speaker 18 No, no,

Speaker 8 only if you'd vote for it.

Speaker 24 You can't just strip us of our democratic rights.

Speaker 18 Oh, my. Get it home.

Speaker 25 Perhaps I should tackle this.

Speaker 16 Yes, everybody, my secretary, Miss Cruzer, would like to make a statement that will hopefully get me out of trouble.

Speaker 8 There, I've wound them up for you.

Speaker 25 Okay, listen up, you lot. What's your problem? You've only ever voted for Desmond before.

Speaker 23 We still have the choice to vote for someone else.

Speaker 25 Some old nutter with an underpants fixation.

Speaker 27 Oh, she's mocking a dead man before he's even laid to rest.

Speaker 4 Thank you. I'll take it from here, Georgie.

Speaker 4 Everyone, please, there's no need to get upset.

Speaker 4 Of course, the mayor cares deeply about about the democratic process, right, Des?

Speaker 18 If it helps.

Speaker 4 And should any challenges to the post emerge, I'm sure he'd welcome the chance to put his case for re-election forward to all of us.

Speaker 28 Well said.

Speaker 24 Eric knows what it's all about.

Speaker 6 Maybe he should be mayor.

Speaker 13 Oh, that's a point.

Speaker 14 Oh, dear.

Speaker 16 Now, wait a second.

Speaker 12 You can't put Eric on the ballot.

Speaker 6 Why not?

Speaker 20 Because

Speaker 6 he'd win.

Speaker 5 Yay!

Speaker 5 Jump up for mayor! No!

Speaker 5 Oh, God,

Speaker 4 Okay, everyone, let's not get carried away.

Speaker 7 It'll be a golden age.

Speaker 28 You're happy now, Eric? No!

Speaker 4 I don't want to be mayor, honestly.

Speaker 18 Desmond! Don't talk to me, I'm frightened.

Speaker 4 Look, put me on the ballot if you really want to, but you ought to know that.

Speaker 26 Chapman!

Speaker 19 Chapman!

Speaker 18 Chapman!

Speaker 14 Chapman! Right.

Speaker 28 Well,

Speaker 4 you seem pretty keen.

Speaker 18 Eric,

Speaker 25 you can't do this.

Speaker 4 Maybe a bit of healthy composition wouldn't hurt.

Speaker 13 No, stop saying things.

Speaker 18 But everyone, everyone, please listen to me.

Speaker 13 I think we've listened to quite enough out of you this morning, Mr. Judas.

Speaker 13 Settle down, everybody.

Speaker 18 Settle down.

Speaker 18 This

Speaker 13 is a memorial service for God's sake.

Speaker 27 We should behave with dignity and respect.

Speaker 6 So let's pull our big pants up and get the damn thing over with.

Speaker 9 As per Sir Barclay's final request, his coffin was shunted off the Piffling cliffs and his body went out with the tide, his enormous pants spreading across the waves in tribute.

Speaker 9 But I knew that Piffling's political landscape had felt a mighty tremor. And half an hour later, that tremor had reached fun funerals.
Wow!

Speaker 18 Chapman!

Speaker 8 Ah, you're catching on!

Speaker 4 But you need to really put your spleen into it like this.

Speaker 31 Shut up, Roger. Georgie, what's going on?

Speaker 25 Think of the worst five-word sentence possible.

Speaker 18 Mum and dad back.

Speaker 19 Oh, dear.

Speaker 25 No, Eric is running for mayor. He's what?

Speaker 8 Eric Chapman, Mayor of Pifley.

Speaker 31 It's repulsive. Just think of him up there on his drone, clutching his gavel.

Speaker 4 We'd never let it down.

Speaker 18 Gavel.

Speaker 25 Exactly. We can't let a man like that govern this whole entire island.
He's got to be stopped. And he will be stopped.
Are you with me?

Speaker 25 I said, are you with me?

Speaker 25 What?

Speaker 30 Playing devil's advocate for a moment.

Speaker 25 No man has ever said that and then said anything sensible. It's just, well,

Speaker 4 if Chapman were elected mayor, then surely he couldn't run his funeral.

Speaker 18 Oh, his booknook.

Speaker 22 What?

Speaker 3 I mean, nobody can have that much time.

Speaker 4 And there must be laws against it.

Speaker 15 There are.

Speaker 25 But, guys, we've never underestimated his talent for evil, so let's not start doing it now.

Speaker 3 We'd have the monopoly on funerals again, just like before.

Speaker 4 We don't have to defeat Chapman if he defeats himself all the way to the top.

Speaker 31 I'm surprised he won't give up the business.

Speaker 25 He was put on the spot by an angry mob.

Speaker 4 Ah, democracy in action.

Speaker 18 Right, I think we're all agreed.

Speaker 4 We've got to help Chapman win.

Speaker 14 What?

Speaker 30 We'll throw ourselves behind him.

Speaker 4 Do everything we can.

Speaker 4 A few thousand flyers should be a good start.

Speaker 31 That's our capital. You were saving up to buy back the kettle.

Speaker 4 When victory is ours, I can buy as many kettles as I want.

Speaker 25 One, you only need one.

Speaker 31 And besides, do you really think people are going to believe you when you tell them you support Eric Chapman?

Speaker 4 I've disguised my contempt for him so far. I can keep it up for a little while longer.
Right, I'm off to get the flyers.

Speaker 28 If anyone calls, say vote, Chapman.

Speaker 18 Bye now.

Speaker 25 Ah, for flip sake!

Speaker 8 We don't allow language like that in here.

Speaker 25 This is completely bloody typical. I've had your back every time you've tried some stupid venture to knock Eric down a peg or two in the past, and now I need your help to do exactly the same thing.

Speaker 25 And you go and join the other side!

Speaker 4 It's kill-o-be-kills, Georgie.

Speaker 25 No, it's not. It's booting out a male we've always liked for a sod we've always hated.

Speaker 3 Making us the only funeral home.

Speaker 4 And then everything will be just like before, except worse.

Speaker 31 Rajad, wouldn't it be better for us to spend all this money and energy on some actual work?

Speaker 14 What work? We haven't got any clients.

Speaker 31 Then go and find us some.

Speaker 16 Antigone, trust me.

Speaker 4 Once Chapman's elected, they'll all be our clients.

Speaker 14 I don't know why I even bother.

Speaker 31 Welcome to my world.

Speaker 9 This extra spanner in the ointment annoyed Georgie intensely. She was already familiar with the challenge of asking the public to choose someone else over Eric Chapman.
This was going to be difficult.

Speaker 25 Mr. Mayor?

Speaker 25 Mr. Mayor, why are you under the desk?

Speaker 22 They'll never find me here.

Speaker 25 Look, my lad, I know you've had it easy for a while now.

Speaker 22 Easy? Let me tell you.

Speaker 25 I've usually been kept very busy, I know that. So, you're just gonna throw it all away.
You're a brilliant mayor. Piffling needs you.

Speaker 25 Does it? Of course it does.

Speaker 25 You're gonna win that election, and with my help, it'll be a landslide. Look at these.

Speaker 14 Oh, God.

Speaker 25 Diagrams. These charts represent the demographics of the island.
Now, what would you say is the number one thing people know about you?

Speaker 2 Well, that

Speaker 18 I'm the mayor.

Speaker 25 You've got it!

Speaker 25 Good old Mayor Desmond. Like a cosy, beloved old shoe.

Speaker 6 I'm not an old shoe!

Speaker 25 For this campaign, yes, you are. You're reliable, and you're known, and that's what people like.
Oh.

Speaker 8 Can we put that on a t-shirt?

Speaker 25 I've already done it.

Speaker 30 Oh, my.

Speaker 4 Hello, Mr. Mayor.

Speaker 26 Georgie.

Speaker 25 What the hell do you want, Eric?

Speaker 4 I just wanted to check in before this rodeo gets started.

Speaker 25 Rodeo is right, Eric, because you're going to get booked.

Speaker 8 Can we have that on a t-shirt?

Speaker 4 See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. That was a really ugly scene this morning.

Speaker 25 Well, if you can't stand the heat, get off the volcano.

Speaker 18 T-shirt?

Speaker 4 No, we can't carry on like this, Desmond. I don't want this election to get in the way of our friendship.

Speaker 19 Oh, you're right, Eric.

Speaker 14 This is all getting out of hand, isn't it?

Speaker 8 Exactly.

Speaker 17 Well, in that case, I think the best thing I can do is drop out of the race.

Speaker 18 Sure!

Speaker 14 I'm nothing more than a comfy old shoe.

Speaker 2 Maybe you could succeed when I failed and turn our village into a town.

Speaker 25 Come on, me lads, you're not thinking straight.

Speaker 16 You can't concede.

Speaker 4 That's what I came here to do.

Speaker 14 Really?

Speaker 4 I was thinking it over and I'm going with my instinct.

Speaker 6 I'm out.

Speaker 4 You win again, Mr. Mayor.

Speaker 28 The village is yours.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 5 I see.

Speaker 19 What?

Speaker 25 Everything works out perfectly for Eric Chapman. Again.
It works out perfectly for all of us.

Speaker 25 The people are screaming for Chapman to take high office because he's such a great guy, but because he's an even greater guy, he concedes before the race even starts, because he assumes he'd win if he didn't.

Speaker 8 I don't think that would fit on a t-shirt.

Speaker 4 Georgie, listen to me. I don't want to be mayor, so I'm not running for mayor.

Speaker 25 Whatever, Chapman. You don't get off that easily.

Speaker 4 Alright, give me those charts.

Speaker 4 Earth to Georgie, I just want the mayor to be the mayor.

Speaker 18 Over.

Speaker 25 And he will be after he beats the living jam out of you on polling day.

Speaker 18 Double or burn.

Speaker 4 Georgie, you're really beginning to tick me off.

Speaker 25 Well, that's funny, because you've been ticking me off since the beginning of time.

Speaker 18 Coming number number 39.

Speaker 20 Your boat is on fire!

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 4 You know what, Georgie? You've helped me to change my mind. Eric Chapman is back in the ring.

Speaker 25 Suits us just fine. We're gonna tear you to pieces.

Speaker 4 What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. I'm going for the top job, and I'm in it to win it.

Speaker 25 So are we, and it's gonna get bloodier.

Speaker 4 Enjoy yourself.

Speaker 25 No, you enjoy yourself. Oh, I will.
So will I.

Speaker 8 So, is he still going to let me win?

Speaker 25 Your worship, it's time to get our game on. After lunch! No!

Speaker 18 Oh!

Speaker 9 The race for Piffling had begun. Eric Chapman versus Desmond Desmond, a battle of the giants.

Speaker 9 Over the ensuing days, I tagged along with Georgie on the campaign trail to take notes for my first political thriller.

Speaker 25 Hey, Tanya, you got a minute?

Speaker 18 Why, yes, I have.

Speaker 25 What's it all about, Georgie? I'm just doing some canvassing for next week's election, and I was wondering if my Desmond can count on your vote.

Speaker 9 Ah, no, no, no.

Speaker 23 I don't like discussing politics, and I never have. It's all propaganda, isn't it?

Speaker 25 When you think about it, not when you think about it, no.

Speaker 23 Come polling day, I shall survey my options and vote in what I believe to be the best interests of the village.

Speaker 25 So, could I tell you what Desmond's planning to do?

Speaker 7 No, no, you couldn't.

Speaker 25 It's just some information.

Speaker 25 I can't hear you.

Speaker 18 Darling, what's happening out there?

Speaker 23 My democratic rights are being stifled by an establishment stooge.

Speaker 16 Come away, Tanya.

Speaker 25 Ah, come on.

Speaker 4 Well, look who it is. Knocking on a few doors, are we?

Speaker 25 So what if I am?

Speaker 4 I might give it a go myself if you don't mind to.

Speaker 25 Knock yourself out.

Speaker 19 La la la la la la la.

Speaker 25 I can't hear you. Oh!

Speaker 14 Hello, Eric.

Speaker 18 Tanya.

Speaker 4 Sorry to just show up like this, but I wanted a word.

Speaker 23 About the election.

Speaker 4 We don't have to talk about politics politics if you'd rather not.

Speaker 23 No, I'd be glad to. Come in.
Bill, Eric's Pop Brown. Oh, lovely.

Speaker 18 Come on. I'll put the kettle on.

Speaker 25 All right, Mr. Wise Guy.
I think it's time we kicked things up a notch.

Speaker 9 As Georgie darted away to do just that, her candidate was carrying out some canvassing of his own.

Speaker 16 And so...

Speaker 17 For tried and tested, dependable leadership, I hope you'll vote for me next week. After all, as I like to say, why settle for anything new?

Speaker 8 Vote Desmond.

Speaker 4 Well done, Desi.

Speaker 28 Very compelling.

Speaker 18 Now, how about trying it on someone who isn't your boyfriend?

Speaker 2 Yes,

Speaker 8 well, um,

Speaker 5 maybe

Speaker 22 after another biscuit.

Speaker 10 Oh, my communion wafers.

Speaker 14 Oh, whoops.

Speaker 9 And whilst the mayor fished out the wafer from his chamomile tea, I watched Eric knocking on doors.

Speaker 20 Yes?

Speaker 4 Afternoon, Miss Scruple.

Speaker 21 Hello, Mr. Chapman.
Eh, I'm not dead yet, you know.

Speaker 4 No, I'm just here to ask if you'd consider voting for me in the mayoral election.

Speaker 21 Oh, is it that time already?

Speaker 18 Right then.

Speaker 21 I want tax cuts, winter fuel, and a free bus pass.

Speaker 4 We haven't got a bus, but consider it done.

Speaker 14 Hmm.

Speaker 18 Bit of a pushover, aren't you?

Speaker 4 Okay, get your own bus pass.

Speaker 28 Oh, that's more like it.

Speaker 10 You've got my vote.

Speaker 8 The sensible choice, Miss Hoople.

Speaker 30 Ha!

Speaker 4 A vote for Chapman is a vote for prosperity. Roodyard, you see, only Eric Chapman can guarantee a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage.

Speaker 21 But I haven't got a garage. Just a potting shed.

Speaker 12 Then we'll put a car in there.

Speaker 4 Birch Chapman. What are you doing? Helping.
For the love of God, don't hear Miss Scruple. Take a flyer.

Speaker 5 Take a badge.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't know. How about an air horn?

Speaker 4 What the hell are you doing?

Speaker 8 Winning the election.

Speaker 4 Is he with you, Mr.

Speaker 21 Chapman?

Speaker 14 No.

Speaker 15 Then you can stuff your election up your trousers.

Speaker 15 Damn.

Speaker 3 You were so close, too.

Speaker 4 Bloody hell, Rudyard. What's your game? Boggle, but I can't see how that's relevant.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 6 What are you up to?

Speaker 4 This is the first time you've ever tried to help me with something.

Speaker 3 And it won't be the last.

Speaker 16 That's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 4 Why did you say it like that? Now look here, Chapman. No, Rudyard, you look here.

Speaker 14 I'm not sure that works.

Speaker 4 I don't know what you're up to, but I won't be using wild claims and empty promises. I'm fighting this thing fairly, and I'm sure Desmond will too.

Speaker 33 Oh, then you haven't heard?

Speaker 28 Heard what? On the radio.

Speaker 7 This is Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM, with another message from today's sponsor.

Speaker 25 I want to tell you about a monster called Eric Chapman.

Speaker 2 What the?

Speaker 25 Eric Chapman is guilty of animal cruelty.

Speaker 4 There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Speaker 25 But Eric Chapman is an alcoholic.

Speaker 1 I think I'll have a light ale.

Speaker 15 I can't believe this.

Speaker 34 Eric Chapman enjoys global warming.

Speaker 1 I love hurting the environment.

Speaker 25 Eric Chapman could become mayor

Speaker 25 unless you stop him first. Vote Desmond.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 4 So that's the way the wind's blowing, is it? Excuse me, Rudyard, and keep listening.

Speaker 16 You forgot your air horn!

Speaker 7 Oh, strong words from the Vote Desmond campaign, and I'm sure we'll all be taking them at face value. But will Eric Chapman himself eventually rebut these claims?

Speaker 7 when he comes into the studio only a few moments ago. Hello, Mr.
Chapman.

Speaker 4 Hi, Jennifer. I'd just like to tell the people of Piffling that I'm disappointed to see my opponent resorting to obvious lies and underhand tricks.

Speaker 4 When you all go to the polling stations next week, I just want you to think about us both carefully and then vote with your hearts. That's all I ask.
Think, care, vote.

Speaker 6 Oh, that was cracking.

Speaker 7 I'm definitely voting for you.

Speaker 7 My opinions may not reflect those of Piffling FM or any of its subsidiaries.

Speaker 3 Sterling work, Chapman. Time to get winning.

Speaker 3 After all, it's what you're best at.

Speaker 35 And tune in this weekend to hear the two candidates going head to head in our mayoral debate.

Speaker 35 All the important hot-button issues will be covered, and I'm looking forward to finding out exactly what they are.

Speaker 25 Fine.

Speaker 25 It's fine.

Speaker 25 The people love Desmond. He's honest, dependable, and usually kept very busy.

Speaker 31 Is that enough?

Speaker 31 Aren't you getting a little carried away with all this?

Speaker 18 No!

Speaker 25 You know what, Antigone? I could be doing a hell of a lot more. Eric's gonna win this over my dead body.

Speaker 31 He wins everything else. Why try to hold back the tide?

Speaker 25 I'm great at holding back the tide.

Speaker 25 You're gonna vote for us, aren't you?

Speaker 31 I don't see the point. Nothing ever changes.
We're just whiling away the days until the heat death of the universe. It's closer than you think.

Speaker 25 But wouldn't you rather do that with Desmond as Matt?

Speaker 31 I'm not entirely sure it makes a difference.

Speaker 31 But

Speaker 31 why not? Georgie, if I can give you two words of advice, it's this. Give up.
Relinquish all hope of anything changing for the better. Resign yourself to defeat.

Speaker 31 And blow out the spark of hope in your heart before it turns you to dust.

Speaker 25 Thanks, mate.

Speaker 14 Hang on. No, no.

Speaker 25 That's rubbish.

Speaker 31 I'd let it sink in a bit.

Speaker 25 Nothing gets better. Nothing ever changes.

Speaker 31 I'm having that inscribed on my headstone.

Speaker 25 Then, how about when you made yourself an equal partner in fun funerals, eh? Eh? Wasn't that a big change?

Speaker 31 Well, I'd.

Speaker 25 How come you're always throwing yourself at projects like deadly chocolates and naughty books?

Speaker 25 And how come this place is still standing despite everything we've been through? Because we are the masters of our own destinies, and you, Antigone, are the living proof.

Speaker 31 No, no, I can't be.

Speaker 25 I'm going to fight this thing with everything I've got because it's worth worth doing.

Speaker 25 And I'll see you on polling day. Me?

Speaker 18 Yes.

Speaker 25 As a conscientious resident of Piffling Vale, you are gonna have your say.

Speaker 31 But I don't know who to vote for.

Speaker 25 Then work it out.

Speaker 31 Well, on the one hand, if Chapman wasn't running his funeral parlour, we'd be doing better, so I should probably vote for him.

Speaker 31 Though, on the other hand, the mayor is the mayor, so I ought to vote for him. But on the other hand, Chapman can do anything, so maybe.

Speaker 31 But on the other hand, you'll be hurt if I don't vote for the mayor. But on the other hand, Roger will annoy me if I don't vote for Chapman.
For God's sake, look, I'm up to five hands.

Speaker 31 How can someone make an informed decision when they've got all this information?

Speaker 31 I'm gonna think about this and then you'll be sorry.

Speaker 31 I hate choices

Speaker 9 as tensions flared and polling day drew nearer, the two candidates fought tooth and nail to win the approval of Pifflings public.

Speaker 9 Hello?

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 16 Could I talk to you?

Speaker 25 No, I'm not in.

Speaker 18 Aren't you?

Speaker 24 No!

Speaker 14 Oh, well, I'll come back when you are.

Speaker 25 We should move on.

Speaker 8 No, no, I don't mind waiting.

Speaker 9 And then came the day of the big debate, live from Piffling FM.

Speaker 9 A number of guests had squeezed themselves into what Jennifer Delacroix called her studio, aka her parents' kitchen, and I sat in the corner, notebook in paw, to watch it all unfold.

Speaker 18 Everyone,

Speaker 18 everyone!

Speaker 25 Can I have your attention, please?

Speaker 7 Not now, mum.

Speaker 21 Your father wants a yoga.

Speaker 7 Go to shops! Right, listen up. We're about to go on the air.
Remember, no swearing or brand names. But I bloody love Pepsi.

Speaker 16 You don't anymore, Bill, okay?

Speaker 16 Three, two, one.

Speaker 5 Piffling FM,

Speaker 5 Mayor Election.

Speaker 7 This is Jennifer Delacroix Pipling FM presenting an election special broadcast, the Great Debate.

Speaker 7 On my left, I have the incumbent Mayor, His Worship Desmond Desmond, and his campaign manager, Georgie Crusoe.

Speaker 15 A pleasure to be here.

Speaker 6 Ditto.

Speaker 7 And to my right, our challenger, Eric Chapman, with his campaign manager, Rudyard Funn.

Speaker 4 Thank you. Not my campaign manager.

Speaker 7 I have to say, this event has drawn the most callers we've ever had. And we're going to hear from all three of them in the next few minutes.
Caller number one. Hello.
Hello, um, is Georgie there?

Speaker 7 Nana, hey, what's your question?

Speaker 32 Are you coming back for tea later?

Speaker 33 I've got some films to watch with that Kevin Costner.

Speaker 25 Do you even like him?

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 5 yeah.

Speaker 7 Sorry to interrupt you, Caller, but do you have a question for our candidates?

Speaker 32 Yes, I do.

Speaker 29 Is Georgie coming back for tea tonight?

Speaker 14 Yes, Nana.

Speaker 5 All good.

Speaker 32 Bye then.

Speaker 7 Well, a rigorous start to our debate. But I'd like to ask ask our candidates, what would you say has been your greatest contribution to Piffline Vale?

Speaker 6 Eric?

Speaker 4 Oh, gosh. Well, I found at our second funeral home.

Speaker 14 What?

Speaker 15 Sorry, it's automatic.

Speaker 4 As a counsellor, I've always promoted community values. Oh, and I restocked the aquarium with some actual fish.
It's just not the same anymore.

Speaker 4 Rootyard, and yeah, I think I helped to open the community hospital. It's difficult to choose any one thing.

Speaker 7 Gosh, it's jolly impressive when you stack it all up like that, in it?

Speaker 7 Mayor Desmond, your response?

Speaker 6 Be careful.

Speaker 8 Don't worry, Miss Crusoe.

Speaker 15 I've got this one.

Speaker 12 I gave Eric permission to do all those things.

Speaker 15 God's sake.

Speaker 4 Thanks again, Desmond.

Speaker 6 Don't mention it, old boy.

Speaker 30 You've done us all proud.

Speaker 25 Stop saying nice things.

Speaker 7 On to our second question.

Speaker 7 Hello, caller number two. Hello.
Yeah, Sig Marlowe here.

Speaker 32 My question is, would the candidates be prepared to launch nuclear weapons in the first strike capacity? Say yes.

Speaker 15 Why do you need to know that?

Speaker 33 That sounds like a condescending liberal-elite attitude to me.

Speaker 32 No offense, Eric Boyd.

Speaker 7 Mayor Desmond, would you hit the big red button?

Speaker 15 Well, I've never thought of it, really.

Speaker 2 What a horrible idea.

Speaker 4 I'd hate to have that sort of power in my hands.

Speaker 6 Again.

Speaker 15 Can I get back to you on that one, Mr.

Speaker 32 Marlowe? No problem. When would so ya?

Speaker 30 After the election, I think.

Speaker 33 Got it in the diary.

Speaker 14 Cheers. Bye.

Speaker 7 Thank you, Sid.

Speaker 7 Well, I think things are hot enough, so let's take a brief recess and check in with the polls. Bill, Tanya, where do you stand?

Speaker 21 I think I'd vote for Desmond.

Speaker 23 Probably Eric, I think.

Speaker 7 Well, there we are. It's neck and neck in the polls, so there's still everything to play for.
Neck and neck?

Speaker 16 Chapman, what are you playing at?

Speaker 4 I'm not in the mood for this, Rudyard.

Speaker 7 But you should be wiping the floor with this old fool.

Speaker 6 You can't call him that.

Speaker 15 You should wipe floors with mocks, not people.

Speaker 4 Jennifer, I'm sorry, but this man is not and never has been my campaign manager. He's an agent provocateur.
I am not!

Speaker 7 Mr. Fun, you may be a lingerie model, but you've no place in this debate.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave this studio before we can proceed.

Speaker 25 On your bike, Rudyard.

Speaker 12 All right.

Speaker 7 All right.

Speaker 4 I've been thrown out of better kitchens than this. You haven't heard the last of me.

Speaker 22 It's all getting a little heated, Miss Crusoe.

Speaker 25 Eric's from the ropes. You've got to go in for the kill.
Eyes on the prize.

Speaker 22 Eyes on the prize.

Speaker 7 Resuming the questions. Who's our third caller?

Speaker 7 It's Reverend Wavering here. Nigel?

Speaker 7 My question is for Desmond. I was just wondering, um,

Speaker 7 if he weren't mare anymore, would he have more time to spend with a certain

Speaker 7 special vicar?

Speaker 7 Oh,

Speaker 25 who crumbs? Don't let it draw you, come on.

Speaker 22 It's um,

Speaker 14 well,

Speaker 2 I suppose if my schedule were to open up a little, um

Speaker 18 you can do this.

Speaker 26 I uh

Speaker 14 I uh

Speaker 6 I would yes no I can't lie about it. I'd have much more time, but I love this job

Speaker 14 and I love you too, Nigel. Oh, Desmond,

Speaker 18 I don't know what to do, Desmond. You've got to fight on you you really think so?

Speaker 18 Yes, you've got to win! Beat the living daylights out of that little blonde squirt.

Speaker 4 I never liked him anyway. Thanks, Nigel.

Speaker 4 Oh, Cork, is he still there?

Speaker 19 Yes. Oh, uh.

Speaker 7 Well, that brings us to the end of our.

Speaker 7 Oh, no, wait. We have a fourth caller.
Unprecedented. New caller, what's your name, and what's your question?

Speaker 5 Now, look here. I mean,

Speaker 5 hello. My name is

Speaker 5 Fonyard Rudd Frost.

Speaker 5 And I'd just like to say this.

Speaker 7 Toler, are you still there?

Speaker 29 Yes. I'm Intiganifan, and I'm an undecided voter.

Speaker 7 Finally!

Speaker 6 I spent hours on that.

Speaker 29 I've been listening to this whole ridiculous debate, trying to make up my mind. And let me tell you, I'm still undecided.
Not one of you has addressed the most important question of all.

Speaker 7 And what what question is that?

Speaker 29 What on earth are you going to do to improve life on this island anyway?

Speaker 25 Come on, Mayor, you must have thought of this.

Speaker 4 I mean, I quite like what the mayor's been doing already.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I'd probably carry on doing that.

Speaker 15 I think I'd do the same, actually. That sounds great.

Speaker 7 Excellent. A stimulating exchange of ideas there.

Speaker 29 But you haven't answered the question. You haven't answered the question.

Speaker 7 And that concludes this debate. Let's go to the polls.

Speaker 24 I've totally changed my mind.

Speaker 7 We need Eric.

Speaker 23 See, I think Desmond now.

Speaker 7 What an upset. And yet, still, neck and neck.
This should be an election day to remember. This is Jennifer Delacroix, Pifflin FM, saying, see you at the polls.

Speaker 5 Mayoral Election!

Speaker 7 Well done, everybody. Oh, that was bloodthirsty stuff.

Speaker 6 Anyone fancy a cuppa?

Speaker 19 Oh, actually, if you're offering, that'd be hard to be a man.

Speaker 8 You know, Eric, this election isn't making much sense to me at the moment.

Speaker 4 I know what you mean.

Speaker 14 Still, can't back up now, eh, I suppose?

Speaker 25 Your worship, stop fraternizing with the enemy. We've got to regain some ground.
Work to do, and lots of it.

Speaker 8 Oh, certainly, Miss Crusoe.

Speaker 17 See you at the polls, Eric.

Speaker 8 May the best man win and all that.

Speaker 4 Definitely. May the best man win.

Speaker 4 Georgie, can I have a word?

Speaker 25 I'm busy winning the election.

Speaker 4 Look, you want to fight for the mayor, and so you want me to lose. I get that.

Speaker 4 But I can't shake the feeling that you

Speaker 4 actually resent me on a personal level.

Speaker 25 You really can't handle it, can you? Even if one person doesn't like you, Mr. Perfect needs to have it all.

Speaker 4 Well, says you. I'm great at getting presents.
I'm great at speaking Catalan. I'm great at playing the electric guitar while riding a unicycle.

Speaker 25 What are you even talking about?

Speaker 15 You can do anything.

Speaker 25 Anytime, anywhere.

Speaker 4 And everyone knows it. So why waste your time being jealous of me when you've got nothing to be jealous of?

Speaker 25 Don't flatter yourself, Eric.

Speaker 25 I'll see you at the polls.

Speaker 7 No, wait.

Speaker 17 Georgie.

Speaker 21 Do you think you can hand me a yogurt, though?

Speaker 4 Yes, Mrs. Delacroix.

Speaker 9 Time was running out. The campaigning never stopped.
And then it arrived. Polling day.

Speaker 9 I took a trip to the village hall to find out the result first hand.

Speaker 18 Not long now.

Speaker 19 Oh dear. Oh dear me.

Speaker 25 It's fire, isn't it?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 4 How long do we have on the clock, Bill?

Speaker 24 Tanya? Nearly there, everyone.

Speaker 23 Just 15 seconds left.

Speaker 25 That's the way. I'll need a vote.
That's right. Go for it on TNI.
Woo!

Speaker 31 Quick! Someone, ballot paid a pen!

Speaker 31 There!

Speaker 5 The polls are now blow!

Speaker 31 I did it!

Speaker 18 I did it just in time. Here, have a chair.

Speaker 31 Mind by my vote, are we?

Speaker 4 No, you've already voted.

Speaker 18 In that case, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 7 Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling, F.M. How are the two candidates feeling as they await the outcome?

Speaker 4 Very happy for this all to be coming to an end.

Speaker 17 Same here, with bells on.

Speaker 10 Desmond, I finished breaking the election day punch.

Speaker 18 It's very algorithm.

Speaker 19 Oh, I'll say it is.

Speaker 25 Not now, nana.

Speaker 16 Oh, blimey, that sounds the ticket.

Speaker 12 Shall we, Eric?

Speaker 16 Way ahead of you, Desmond.

Speaker 7 Right, I finished.

Speaker 4 I put a vote chapman leaflet through every front door on the island. I've done my bet for democracy.
democracy.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 4 hand me that ballot paper.

Speaker 24 You can't, mate. We just closed the polls.
You're too late.

Speaker 14 What?

Speaker 36 Now, look here. Sorry, Mr.
Funn, rules are rules.

Speaker 4 Oh, can't I just slip in one little vote?

Speaker 23 Are you trying to pervert the course of our democratic system?

Speaker 18 Yes, and you're not helping at all.

Speaker 25 Oh, stop moaning, Rogada. It's gonna win, and we both know it.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 4 You know, doing all this campaigning for him, I've realised he's not such a bad fellow in a way. We've been really quite unfair on him in the past.
We should have him home for dinner again.

Speaker 19 Perhaps the occasional brunch.

Speaker 4 Thank you, Georgie. The man's a monster.
Yeah.

Speaker 24 Citizens of Pifling, we have a result.

Speaker 12 That was quite.

Speaker 23 Could you all gather round, please?

Speaker 27 Drop rolls.

Speaker 25 The winner of the Pifling Vale mayoral election is

Speaker 23 Desmond Desmond.

Speaker 23 What?

Speaker 20 I won.

Speaker 7 We won.

Speaker 18 I won! Oh, thank you. Yeah,

Speaker 7 in your face, Chapman.

Speaker 25 Congratulations, Desmond.

Speaker 20 I'm so happy!

Speaker 4 Congratulations, your worship.

Speaker 20 No hard feelings.

Speaker 16 None at all, Eric Lamb.

Speaker 13 Eric, I'm so glad things are back to normal.

Speaker 25 Trying not to like you was such a strain.

Speaker 18 No, no, no, stop everything! I demand a recount!

Speaker 27 All right, I'll do it now.

Speaker 23 Mayor Desmond wins!

Speaker 32 Yay!

Speaker 18 Hang on. How many votes were there? Three.

Speaker 14 Three!

Speaker 24 Yeah, having a proper election's been so exhausting.

Speaker 4 I think everyone just stayed at home.

Speaker 23 I miss Baron Undercrackers. He made politics fun.
But didn't you vote? No, I think all politicians are liars.

Speaker 18 And I'm an anarchist.

Speaker 8 Reverend.

Speaker 10 Ah, I was busy making the punch.

Speaker 17 Sorry, Desmond. This is great punch.

Speaker 7 Article, how about you? Who did you vote for?

Speaker 31 Nobody. Ha!

Speaker 25 Yes, you did. We saw you.

Speaker 31 I spoiled my ballot. All those leaflets and debates, and none of it made any sense.
And I was right all along. Nothing's changed.
What's the point? Nothing's changed. I knew I was right.

Speaker 31 If life gives you lemons, throw them away.

Speaker 25 Wait, what was the vote, Share?

Speaker 23 Two for Desmond, one for Eric.

Speaker 25 Well, I voted, and so did Desmond, so, ha, Chapman. All that, ooh, I'm Eric Chapman.
I don't even want to be mayor, and you still voted for yourself. No, I didn't.

Speaker 4 I voted for Desmond. What?

Speaker 8 That's funny.

Speaker 28 I voted for you.

Speaker 4 Oh, cheers, Desmond.

Speaker 25 Unbelievable.

Speaker 7 So there you have it. The next mayor of Pifflingvale will be the mayor.

Speaker 7 How do you feel about the result, Mr.

Speaker 4 Chapman? Delighted. Desmond is the best mayor this island could ever hope for, and I'm glad to be going back to Chapman's, where I'll be putting the fun in funerals like usual.

Speaker 7 Kind and dignified, even in defeat, and so charming. Eric Chapman, everybody.

Speaker 19 Cheers.

Speaker 19 Applause.

Speaker 25 Maybe Antonio was right after all.

Speaker 25 He shouldn't wish for the impossible.

Speaker 26 Miss Crusoe.

Speaker 14 Oh, hey, Mayor.

Speaker 26 I just wanted to say thank you for everything.

Speaker 25 Don't mention it.

Speaker 20 No, really.

Speaker 8 This whole election had me more than a little worried.

Speaker 17 I didn't think I was up to the task, even at the end there.

Speaker 16 But you believed in me so much that...

Speaker 20 Well, I've already been the best mayor I've ever been.

Speaker 27 Really?

Speaker 17 Yeah, in a position like this, a lot of people can take you for granted.

Speaker 12 But I think life's all about finding those people who'd never do that.

Speaker 8 Like my Nigel

Speaker 8 and you.

Speaker 14 Thanks, Mayor.

Speaker 25 Glad to help.

Speaker 17 What would you say to dinner for the whole campaign team at the Yacht Club?

Speaker 25 Table for two, then.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 9 As the mayor and Georgie departed for a richly deserved slap-up feed, I remained behind with the exhausted funds.

Speaker 9 I wondered why the people of Piffling could only express themselves politically when they were part of an angry mob. Perhaps, in the long run, politicians get the voters they deserve.

Speaker 9 Discuss.

Speaker 7 The Race for Piffling was written by Tom Crowley and edited by David K.

Speaker 7 Barnes and was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kiera Baxendale as Georgie, Sean Baker as Mare Desmond Desmond, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Alana Ross as Jennifer Delacroix, Ellie Dickens as Ms.

Speaker 7 Scruple and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Gladwin.

Speaker 7 Original music composed by James Whittle. The program was recorded at the Art Space Studios and was produced and directed by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 36 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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