Season 3 Episode 1: The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard

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Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 5 Stop me if you've heard this before.

Speaker 5 Hidden in the English Channel is an island called Pifling.

Speaker 5 On the island is a village called Pifling Vale. And on the village square is a funeral home.

Speaker 5 And opposite that is another funeral home. and that's really the problem in a nutshell.

Speaker 5 Because Eric Chapman is everyone's favourite, he puts the fun in funerals, he helps them all enjoy themselves, and he's a bit of a charmer to boot.

Speaker 5 Whereas the brother and sister across the square are nobody's favourite people, nobody likes their funerals. By now, they've got quite used to it.

Speaker 5 But that doesn't mean they have to like it.

Speaker 8 Wooden Overcoats by David K. Barnes.
Season 3, Episode 1. The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard.

Speaker 5 I'm a writer by trade, the first mouse to pen a Sunday Times bestseller, not once, but twice. But today, I'd paced up and down the length of the skirting board, and still I'd come up with nothing.

Speaker 5 So I decided to take a stroll outside. I scampered across the floor of fun funerals, slipped under the door, and made my way to the middle of the square.

Speaker 5 The sun would be setting shortly. Radiard would be coming home from a funeral.
I'd listen out for what had happened. Humans can be good value.

Speaker 5 So I settled back against a tree and waited and relaxed.

Speaker 5 Ah

Speaker 5 the end of another ordinary day in Piffling Vale.

Speaker 10 I have not had the best funeral.

Speaker 10 I do love your chase on this west!

Speaker 10 Pass me the skip!

Speaker 5 I was getting too old for this.

Speaker 11 Sir, come on, get those legs spinning!

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 12 Great, now we haven't got time. Here's a dustbin.
I suggest you get comfy.

Speaker 10 Oh, I am am not hiding in that.

Speaker 11 He'll be around here somewhere. Tear out his tonsils!

Speaker 7 Okay, get the lid off. Get the lid off.

Speaker 13 Sir, shut it.

Speaker 11 Hey, fellas!

Speaker 11 He went that way! Thanks, Georgie!

Speaker 11 You know,

Speaker 11 people people can be so difficult.

Speaker 12 Oh, wait, they're coming back.

Speaker 11 Georgie?

Speaker 15 Would you like to go and have some strawberries?

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Oh, thanks, Georgie.

Speaker 5 Whilst Radyard hid in a rubbish bin and considered how life had brought him there, floating high in the skies above him was a a large hot-air balloon.

Speaker 5 Within its basket stood two people without a care in the world between them: the infamous Lady Vivian Templar and Rudyard's funereal foe, Eric Chapman.

Speaker 18 Ah, this was such a wonderful idea, Chappers, just to get away from it all for an hour or two.

Speaker 20 I know. Just look at that sky.

Speaker 21 And the birds, And the clouds.

Speaker 18 And the setting sun.

Speaker 20 Another day.

Speaker 11 Another night.

Speaker 20 Aubergine.

Speaker 22 Thank you.

Speaker 22 You know.

Speaker 18 It feels like simply ages since we've been truly alone together.

Speaker 20 Don't you think? Simply ages.

Speaker 18 All those council meetings.

Speaker 23 All those funerals. And never any time for us.

Speaker 18 There should be time for us, Eric.

Speaker 17 There should be time.

Speaker 21 Had we but world enough and time.

Speaker 22 This coinness.

Speaker 18 And whatever the rest is.

Speaker 20 Moving.

Speaker 24 More champers, Chappers?

Speaker 20 I shouldn't. It goes straight to my head.

Speaker 10 I say, does it really?

Speaker 22 The most popular person on Piffling.

Speaker 21 The best man for a mile around.

Speaker 18 How do you do it, Chappers?

Speaker 1 I just

Speaker 20 do what I can.

Speaker 18 Oh, you give me shivers when you stare into nothing like that.

Speaker 21 To friends.

Speaker 25 And perchance, to more than friends.

Speaker 7 Hmm, Eric. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 22 Can you do me a funeral for nothing?

Speaker 8 Sorry? A funeral. Could I get it, you know, free?

Speaker 18 Gratis.

Speaker 26 On the house.

Speaker 27 Oh.

Speaker 7 Um.

Speaker 18 Why? My aunts died. Hmm.
Don't ask me which one, it's so hard to keep count.

Speaker 15 But they all asked if I knew you, and I do.

Speaker 21 So I'm asking because they're very excited, do you see?

Speaker 18 I see.

Speaker 21 So how about it?

Speaker 28 Quick funeral, no charge, just between ourselves.

Speaker 3 It'll get you exposure.

Speaker 20 Uh, well,

Speaker 20 uh.

Speaker 20 I'd rather not.

Speaker 29 What?

Speaker 10 I mean, it wouldn't be fair, would it?

Speaker 20 To my other clients?

Speaker 30 No, but then they don't have what we have.

Speaker 25 Do they?

Speaker 25 Uh

Speaker 20 no, I suppose not, but

Speaker 31 it's just.

Speaker 27 I can't.

Speaker 20 Sorry,

Speaker 32 it wouldn't be right.

Speaker 20 You do understand, don't you?

Speaker 31 Oh, yes.

Speaker 31 I understand.

Speaker 11 Yes, I understand you. Perfectly.
Don't you worry.

Speaker 15 I get it. You see, I understand.

Speaker 15 You don't need to repeat it.

Speaker 33 There we are. Say no more.
That's it.

Speaker 7 I've got your number.

Speaker 15 Loud and clear. Enough said.
No more to be done. There's no answer to that, and that's all there is to it, isn't it?

Speaker 18 Blood on the bridge. You want jam on that?

Speaker 22 Would that I could?

Speaker 19 Thin.

Speaker 18 Oh, I wish you'd stop talking about it, actually.

Speaker 27 Good.

Speaker 27 Well, um...

Speaker 20 Shall I pour you some more champagne? What about the mayor?

Speaker 18 What about the mayor? You told him you'd do his funeral for nothing, didn't you?

Speaker 20 How did you know that?

Speaker 18 Because he's always telling us how much he's looking forward to it. Well,

Speaker 20 I was new. I was settling in, and he is the mayor.

Speaker 16 Oh, so I'm not important enough for you.

Speaker 20 That's not it.

Speaker 15 I can't offer you more than you've already got.

Speaker 20 Perhaps if you joined the Chapman's Members' Club.

Speaker 22 I should say I'm a pretty regular member of the Chapman Members' Club, wouldn't you?

Speaker 7 Shhh, blimey.

Speaker 20 Look, we can do the funeral, but I couldn't give you any preferential treatment.

Speaker 11 No, no, you're popular, you're powerful. Whatever can I do for you?

Speaker 31 Vivian.

Speaker 18 Perhaps I should take my business business elsewhere.

Speaker 22 After all, you're not the only funeral home on the island, are you?

Speaker 20 You?

Speaker 20 You surely can't meet me.

Speaker 30 I surely can.

Speaker 15 In fact, that's really not a bad idea. I think I'll pop along and see them this instant.

Speaker 34 But at least let me land them.

Speaker 11 No, don't try and stop me.

Speaker 3 Hand me that parachute.

Speaker 16 I really think you should reconsider.

Speaker 11 Ca-da, chappers.

Speaker 17 I'm sorry things didn't work out.

Speaker 1 Oh, stop it.

Speaker 20 I know you're bluffing me. You'd never go through with it.
I know you wouldn't.

Speaker 11 No, you know it all, don't you? Yes? Well, I hope that gives you comfort when I'm gone.

Speaker 16 Bye. Vivian, wait.

Speaker 11 What will I do without you? Enjoy yourself.

Speaker 14 Vivian!

Speaker 14 Vivian!

Speaker 5 As Eric watched his date drifting down towards the village, Radyard emerged from hiding and slunk into fun funerals to close up for the night.

Speaker 24 Roger.

Speaker 24 By Christ, why do you smell like that?

Speaker 35 I have been in a bin

Speaker 10 for half an hour.

Speaker 5 Why?

Speaker 10 Because some people can't accept constructive criticism.

Speaker 24 You've been chased by an angry mob more times than I care to remember, and it's beginning to make you look bad.

Speaker 10 I merely suggested that now her husband was dead, the widow might want to lay off the drinking.

Speaker 10 She'd had half a glass of wine by the time i stopped her it was ridiculous oh god at that rate she wasn't going to remember anything maybe she didn't want to remember anything what's the point of a good funeral if you can't remember it it's a complete joke out of her entire profession you just don't understand people at all do you people are not complex they either attack you or they don't I tried to get her family to agree with me about the drinking, but of course they were all on her side, setting a terrible example, and I told them so.

Speaker 10 Her father made certain remarks which turned into into vows.

Speaker 10 I'll get you, it's the last thing I do, and that sort of thing. And then I began running, so he began running, and they all began running.

Speaker 35 They should thank me.

Speaker 31 Why?

Speaker 10 I've given them some exercise.

Speaker 36 Now, look here,

Speaker 34 Mr. Beamish.

Speaker 10 No, actually, I don't live here, so don't come looking for me. In fact, this isn't even me talking.
It's a machine. Leave your message after the

Speaker 7 that should fox him.

Speaker 31 Right. Time to close up, I think.

Speaker 37 Oh, it's been a long day.

Speaker 20 Where's Georgie?

Speaker 1 Right here. Hot water's all round.

Speaker 27 Wonderful.

Speaker 10 I needed this.

Speaker 10 Ow.

Speaker 10 It's hot.

Speaker 10 Oh, hello!

Speaker 2 Lady Templar? Um, can I come in?

Speaker 35 If only you could, but no, we're closed.

Speaker 24 Yes, you can. Please come in.

Speaker 27 All right, then.

Speaker 32 What do you want?

Speaker 28 I want you to engage your services for a funeral, but if you're not interested, I can just as easily get...

Speaker 31 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, of course we're interested.

Speaker 10 Come on in, come on in, Georgie, help the nice lady out of her parachute.

Speaker 12 I'm great at helping ladies out of parachutes.

Speaker 10 Forgive my reticence, Lady Templar. It's been the most trying evening.

Speaker 24 You're not alone there. I bet you've not been sitting in a bin for half an hour.

Speaker 19 No.

Speaker 10 My sister does say some things, Lady Templar. Such a pity she can't stay long.

Speaker 24 Yes, I can. I live here.

Speaker 9 Why don't you move? You before me.

Speaker 6 Okay, guys. Client.
Yes.

Speaker 10 So, you'd like to book a funeral with us?

Speaker 18 I'd certainly like to book a funeral with someone.

Speaker 10 But seriously, you'd like to book your funeral with us rather than, say,

Speaker 10 somewhere else.

Speaker 23 What makes you think I'd want to go somewhere else?

Speaker 19 Excuse me?

Speaker 16 Yes?

Speaker 16 Evening, Rudyard.

Speaker 33 Is uh Lady Templar in there with you?

Speaker 11 Yes, she is.

Speaker 14 Ah, well.

Speaker 9 I'm so sorry, Lady Templar. You were saying.

Speaker 12 Wait a second. What's going on? Nothing's going on.

Speaker 23 What are you talking about?

Speaker 12 Just you being in here and Eric outside kind of seems like something's going on. Is this a wind-up?

Speaker 2 No, it's not a wind-up.

Speaker 23 One of my aunts has died and

Speaker 31 I need a funeral.

Speaker 11 Ah, yes, emotional. I've seen people like this before.

Speaker 10 It happens when someone dies.

Speaker 7 Sit up, Roger.

Speaker 24 Georgie, get her a chair.

Speaker 7 We don't have one.

Speaker 24 Then clear some space on the counter. Would you like to sit on the counter, Lady Templar?

Speaker 14 No, no.

Speaker 25 I shall be strong.

Speaker 24 Then perhaps I could ask you a few easy questions, like, um, what was your aunt's name?

Speaker 6 The dead one.

Speaker 9 Yes. I.

Speaker 9 I don't know.

Speaker 19 Oh, Emma.

Speaker 24 Perhaps you'd like to come back tomorrow and we can make arrangements there.

Speaker 31 Oh, don't let her leave. She'll go back to Chapman.

Speaker 28 I will not be doing business with Eric Chapman.

Speaker 18 Because Eric Chapman is a louse.

Speaker 13 Well, yes, I've always thought so.

Speaker 18 Quite frankly, I'd book a funeral with anyone who isn't Eric Chapman.

Speaker 13 That's certainly Anish.

Speaker 23 And so I should be delighted to book a service with fun funerals instead of Chapman's. And you can tell everyone, for all I care.

Speaker 18 Especially Eric's friends.

Speaker 10 I mean, well, does he have any friends?

Speaker 19 No.

Speaker 19 Well, he doesn't really.

Speaker 19 He, um.

Speaker 23 He actually told me once

Speaker 22 on the Ferris wheel.

Speaker 24 I didn't know he had a Ferris wheel.

Speaker 17 We do now.

Speaker 23 He had it built for us.

Speaker 8 Stop it, Vivian.

Speaker 10 Stop it, Vivian.

Speaker 33 I shall be back here, bright and early tomorrow morning.

Speaker 16 And remember, tell your friends.

Speaker 12 We haven't got any of those either.

Speaker 7 Totty! Tutor!

Speaker 32 Ah, uh, hello, Vivian. Good night, Mr.
Chapman.

Speaker 32 Oh,

Speaker 32 yes.

Speaker 2 Understood.

Speaker 10 Um,

Speaker 30 good night,

Speaker 33 everyone.

Speaker 16 Enjoy your.

Speaker 7 Hmm.

Speaker 24 That was peculiar.

Speaker 10 Nothing peculiar about it. She's a woman of intelligence and she understands quality.

Speaker 24 Yes, which means she hates you.

Speaker 10 And yet she's still booking a funeral with us. Now, if everybody else could overlook how much they hate me, we'd really be in business.

Speaker 24 She is one of the most influential people on the island. If we do this properly, we might finally regain some respect around here.
I was almost beginning to give up hope.

Speaker 10 We just had to stick to our guns.

Speaker 12 I still think so much going on, sir.

Speaker 10 Don't be paranoid. It's been a brilliant day's work.

Speaker 9 Oh, time to celebrate with some hot water.

Speaker 7 It's gone cold.

Speaker 5 To my surprise, Lady Templar kept her word, and the next morning saw Piffling's leading socialite being given an exclusive tour of Antigone's mortuary.

Speaker 24 You know, I rarely allow any visitors down here, save a meet. This is really quite-look out, watch your steps.

Speaker 24 Who wouldn't want to fall and break your neck?

Speaker 4 Though if you did, this is the best place for it.

Speaker 24 That's a joke I tell myself.

Speaker 24 You don't have to do that.

Speaker 5 And that's the last step.

Speaker 24 Now I'll remove your blindfold for you. Sorry about that, by the way.
It's just so you can't tell anyone how you got here.

Speaker 21 I went down a flight of steps.

Speaker 24 I'll have to drug them next time.

Speaker 36 What?

Speaker 24 So, this is a mortuary. I wanted to show you the care and commitment we put into our work.
And by our work, I mean my work, it's no one else's work, so that you know your body will be in safe hands.

Speaker 28 Don't touch anything.

Speaker 31 Oh, I wasn't going to.

Speaker 24 Good, I wouldn't like it. Now, over here is Mrs.
Sangfroyd. She died of a ruptured stomach, as you can see.

Speaker 28 How fascinating!

Speaker 24 Is it? Oh, it was quite a tricky job, this one. She's oozing everywhere.
But you can be sure she'll look good as new by the time I'm done with her.

Speaker 25 How nice!

Speaker 24 Can I go now? Even more intriguing is Mr. Prendit over here.
Because if we don't get the body quickly enough, it begins expanding, and it takes quite a long time for it to stop. Oh, dear God.
Mr.

Speaker 24 Belly, in particular. Just put your hand on that.
Here, I'll help you.

Speaker 24 Firm, isn't it?

Speaker 19 Very firm.

Speaker 33 Yes.

Speaker 24 Don't be too sure. The slightest bit of pressure, and he'd explode.
We shouldn't be doing this at all, really.

Speaker 7 I want to go home.

Speaker 24 You have to make an incision and let the air go out. It's just like a balloon.

Speaker 24 Do you like balloons?

Speaker 19 Father wouldn't let me have any.

Speaker 36 Please let me go.

Speaker 24 There's really nothing that I can't handle. Some of the bodies don't even have a head, and that's when I have to get creative.

Speaker 10 I must apologise for my sister, Lady Templar. She's still getting used to the concept of people.

Speaker 24 Look, go away. I'm trying to impress her.
I want respect. I want prestige.
I want people to know I exist. I said, don't touch anything.

Speaker 3 Nobody wants to see this. But it's interesting.

Speaker 11 There, there, Lady Templar. Just

Speaker 20 get your breath back.

Speaker 10 Lean on something.

Speaker 14 There you go.

Speaker 24 No, not Mr. Brendan.

Speaker 24 I told her not to touch things. It's basic health and safety.

Speaker 10 Come along, Lady Templar. Let's get up the stairs and out into the light.

Speaker 10 I thought we might go and choose the flowers for the funeral.

Speaker 10 You like flowers, don't you?

Speaker 10 It's all over with me.

Speaker 34 That's the spirit.

Speaker 10 Lovely, fresh flowers. Nothing too expensive.

Speaker 29 Have you left your bracelet in Mr. Brendan?

Speaker 29 Damn.

Speaker 24 I forgot to give her a business card.

Speaker 5 Radyar took the traumatized Lady Templar for a visit to Piffling's foremost florist, Petunia Bloom.

Speaker 5 This was a bit of a gamble, as he'd previously driven Petunia to a near breakdown through excessive haggling. But he was sure she wouldn't hold that against him.
Get away!

Speaker 16 Get away! But Junior, please! Go on, go on, get away from me!

Speaker 2 Go! Go! Shoot!

Speaker 2 Do excuse her, Lady Tamplar! She's a miscard!

Speaker 2 Get up!

Speaker 10 Let's try and settle this like civilized adults.

Speaker 25 You sure can pick him, Vivian.

Speaker 27 Why, hello there!

Speaker 13 Lurick!

Speaker 20 Crikey, it's a war zone around here.

Speaker 7 What happened?

Speaker 13 Well, mud yards. Oh, that makes sense.

Speaker 20 Looking after you well, are they?

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 19 Good.

Speaker 20 They're dedicated.

Speaker 13 Yes, they are.

Speaker 19 Very.

Speaker 18 I saw their mortuary this morning.

Speaker 20 Limey, you are privileged.

Speaker 32 What's it like?

Speaker 13 Oh, you know.

Speaker 3 Dead bodies and stuff.

Speaker 14 Hmm.

Speaker 13 Well,

Speaker 20 so long as you're happy with them.

Speaker 7 Yes.

Speaker 20 Listen, I can't keep doing this. Doing what? There's still time to call it off.
I'd be happy to take on your aunt's funeral. You know that.

Speaker 18 Oh, you're sure of yourself, aren't you?

Speaker 20 Hang on a second.

Speaker 35 Pejunia, how are things?

Speaker 13 Mr.

Speaker 2 Chapman, is that you?

Speaker 6 Oh, my, what must you think of me? All this fracile.

Speaker 20 I'm sure anyone would have done the same.

Speaker 6 Hey! It's just people like that Rudyard over there. Look at him.
They make me go quite potty, Mr. Chapman.
All I want to do is an honest day's business. business.

Speaker 20 Of course, you do.

Speaker 28 Roses are red, violets are blue, at the junior plumes, they're one for two.

Speaker 16 Oh, don't all rush to me at once.

Speaker 4 I want a Christmas tree.

Speaker 6 No, you don't, darling. It's spring.

Speaker 38 I am an individual.

Speaker 20 I don't suppose I can have a batch of lilies from you this morning, and a couple of white roses.

Speaker 6 Of course you can. Here, take them with my compliments.

Speaker 20 No, no, no, no. I wouldn't dream of not paying for them.

Speaker 14 Oh,

Speaker 6 isn't he a gentleman, Dude?

Speaker 6 Quite.

Speaker 20 And uh, did I get anything for you, Lady Templar?

Speaker 22 No.

Speaker 14 Oh.

Speaker 19 Really? Mr. Funn!

Speaker 19 Mr.

Speaker 23 Funn, stop shaking behind that spiegel tent and come here.

Speaker 36 Yes, yes.

Speaker 10 Right away.

Speaker 19 Sorry.

Speaker 23 Not bleeding. Yes, you are.

Speaker 2 Ms.

Speaker 18 Bloom, I want you to sell this man a selection of your best roses, peonies, and night-scented stock, because he will be conducting the funeral that I refuse to grant to this conceited, conceited, overconfident lizard.

Speaker 2 Oh my.

Speaker 15 The flowers, Miss Bloom.

Speaker 2 As you like it, here you go, Mr.

Speaker 3 Fun.

Speaker 34 Well, finally, a little service around you.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 15 Furthermore, Mr. Fun,

Speaker 18 I should like to discuss the service with you tonight

Speaker 19 at the Yacht Club

Speaker 3 over dinner.

Speaker 20 What?

Speaker 27 Oh,

Speaker 13 gosh. Well,

Speaker 13 eight o'clock, don't be late, will you?

Speaker 16 No, at fun funerals, we get the me and the yacht club in in the evening on time.

Speaker 34 Rest assured,

Speaker 27 astounding.

Speaker 20 But Junior, can I have some peonies, too?

Speaker 2 I don't think so, Mr. Chapman.

Speaker 38 I'm not sure what you've been doing to upset Vib like that, but whatever it is, we don't allow it around here.

Speaker 6 Wait, what?

Speaker 31 But Junior!

Speaker 32 How'd you like that?

Speaker 10 Very much, as it happens.

Speaker 2 See you around,

Speaker 7 Chapman.

Speaker 20 Not if I see you first, Rudyard.

Speaker 5 This sounded vaguely threatening, and I scurried after Rudyard to warn him.

Speaker 5 However, a dinner invitation from one of Piffling's most influential residents had made him confident, and by the evening, when he was dressing for dinner, he was in no mood to listen to anybody about anything.

Speaker 24 It's a trap!

Speaker 10 It's not a trap, it's dinner.

Speaker 24 Food in a trap. It's called bait, you idiot.
That's the cheese and you're the mouse.

Speaker 10 Apologise to Madeline. Where's my bow tie?

Speaker 36 There you go.

Speaker 10 Oh, how sad. The clips come off.

Speaker 37 I've got some blue tap.

Speaker 24 Brilliant! It doesn't make any sense, Rajard. You must see that.

Speaker 11 I don't see why not.

Speaker 9 She doesn't like you. I knew that in the womb.

Speaker 12 I meant Lady Templar. She's never liked you before.

Speaker 38 You must admit, it is a bit strange.

Speaker 24 You're fending off a botanic assault from Petunia Bloom, and suddenly, Lady Templar is inviting you to dinner.

Speaker 10 It's called Cause and Effect. Look it up.

Speaker 10 Do you think these sleeves are too long?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll cut the cuffs off.

Speaker 10 Thank you, Georgie. Look, Look, it's a simple case of a client wanting to discuss a funeral with her local undertaker over a three-course meal.

Speaker 24 It happens all the time. Are you sure this isn't a tax scam?

Speaker 12 Yes. I mean, it could be.
We haven't seen a body yet.

Speaker 24 She's right. Where is it?

Speaker 10 We'll get it when we need it. Don't be impatient.
You've got other bodies to work on.

Speaker 5 I want a new one.

Speaker 16 No.

Speaker 12 Maybe she's sawing for time. Was Eric there when she made her invitation?

Speaker 27 Yes, and you should have seen the look on his face.

Speaker 18 Was it like this?

Speaker 10 No, it wasn't.

Speaker 10 But that's a good one, too.

Speaker 24 Wait, you think Lady Templar's trying to antagonize Chapman by doing business with us?

Speaker 27 Just gets better and better.

Speaker 28 If she's gaming the system, it doesn't.

Speaker 12 She could be attacking Eric's pride, holding out for a discount.

Speaker 24 So she never intended to let us do the funeral. I knew it.

Speaker 19 Hey, it's just a theory.

Speaker 24 But it fits all the facts. No, it doesn't.

Speaker 10 She's going with us because she wants the better service.

Speaker 19 Come on.

Speaker 35 What do you mean?

Speaker 11 I mean, come on.

Speaker 12 Time to get you off to dinner.

Speaker 24 No, don't go. You're being set up.
It'll all end in tears.

Speaker 35 Look, stop it.

Speaker 7 All of you.

Speaker 10 I've added up to here with your gloom, your doom, and your pessimism.

Speaker 1 I'm proud of what we achieve here, and you should be too.

Speaker 10 And why, may I ask, is it so hard to believe that somebody might actually want to spend an evening in my company over dinner in a public place? Because it's you. Well, thank you, Antigone.

Speaker 10 Thank you very much. No thanks.
Lots taken. If you'll excuse me, I shall leave whilst I have a shred of dignity intact.

Speaker 7 Good night.

Speaker 7 Trousers!

Speaker 12 Here you go, sir.

Speaker 19 Thank you.

Speaker 5 I must admit to feeling sorry for the poor man, being confronted with fully justified scepticism.

Speaker 5 So I tagged along with him to the yacht club, where he was shown outside to a table overlooking the bay. Lady Templar was waiting for him.

Speaker 38 Your seat, monsieur?

Speaker 10 Ah, mercy, Beauchenet.

Speaker 38 Would monsieur like to order a drink?

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 10 How hot does your water get here?

Speaker 5 Well, he'll have the Dom Perignon with me.

Speaker 31 I don't drink.

Speaker 28 You will now.

Speaker 13 Thank you.

Speaker 7 Me, madame.

Speaker 18 Why was the waitress looking at you like that? Like what? She was scowling.

Speaker 10 Ah, my sister got banned from here. These sorts of places can hold the most ludicrous grudges.

Speaker 25 Why was she banned?

Speaker 10 Accessory to murder. Can we eat that bread?

Speaker 33 Enjoy.

Speaker 13 I must say,

Speaker 10 it's an honor to be invited here tonight.

Speaker 2 Yes, I'm sure it is.

Speaker 10 Too many of our clients don't take the time to socialize with their undertakers.

Speaker 19 After all,

Speaker 10 we've got feelings too.

Speaker 26 Exceptional. Yes.

Speaker 38 And the fact that such a person...

Speaker 19 Mmm,

Speaker 10 Like yourself, choosing fun funerals when you might prefer to.

Speaker 10 Well, may I say, we look forward to organising a brisk and efficient funeral for you in the days ahead.

Speaker 18 Yep, yes, prompt.

Speaker 9 Lady Templar, are you looking for somebody? For me?

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 30 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, of course no.

Speaker 16 Oh, there he is. Vivian.

Speaker 28 Quick, say something funny.

Speaker 9 I don't think I can. What?

Speaker 14 That is

Speaker 25 so, so pilly. I'm just having a wonderful evening.

Speaker 10 Well, this bread has been baked to perfection. Hello, you two.

Speaker 2 Harry.

Speaker 35 Chapman. Balcony table.

Speaker 32 Nice one.

Speaker 26 Pleasant evening. Oh, it's much more than that, isn't it, Rodders?

Speaker 34 I can't imagine how, but if you say so, yes.

Speaker 38 You don't pourignon, madame?

Speaker 16 Thank you. And we'll have quails, eggs, lobster, and millionaire shortbread.
With diamonds.

Speaker 36 Flashing out, I see.

Speaker 23 Well, I've got something to celebrate, haven't I?

Speaker 10 Your aunt's death?

Speaker 26 No.

Speaker 33 I meant doing things differently.

Speaker 2 Taking the alternative option.

Speaker 20 Great. I might order some bubbly too.

Speaker 33 Oh, then why don't you join us for a spell?

Speaker 23 I'm sure Rudders won't mind.

Speaker 20 Yes, I will. I can't, really.
I've got my own guest waiting.

Speaker 1 Well, then call her over, why don't you?

Speaker 36 Fair enough.

Speaker 3 Sid, we're over here.

Speaker 39 Right with you, Eric Boy.

Speaker 2 Wait, what's happening?

Speaker 20 Sorry, I didn't say. I'm dining with Sid Marlowe tonight, talking over some adverts in Piffling Matters, you know.

Speaker 30 Oh, it just so happens you're here with a journalist.

Speaker 20 Yes, though I can't imagine there's a story here.

Speaker 36 Can you?

Speaker 10 I'm really looking forward to those quails' eggs.

Speaker 5 I watched from behind a mustard jar as the three were joined by Sidney Marlowe, waving his pint of lager with intense excitement.

Speaker 2 Oi, Eric.

Speaker 3 If you don't like Poisson, they've also got fish.

Speaker 25 Good evening, Mr. Marlowe.

Speaker 40 Ah, what's your Templar?

Speaker 37 And Rudyard?

Speaker 19 Cop limey.

Speaker 34 Here, I hope we're not interrupting anything.

Speaker 36 We're having dinner.

Speaker 39 Say no more, son. Say no more.

Speaker 19 Oh, stop nudging me.

Speaker 37 Hang about.

Speaker 40 How come you two are having dinner together? There must be a story here.

Speaker 41 I can smell it.

Speaker 39 Yochwe's eggs. Oh, that's what it was.

Speaker 2 I'll be off then. No, Mr.

Speaker 25 Marlowe, please sit down. I wish to make a statement for your newspaper.

Speaker 39 Are you sure about this? Is this a scoop?

Speaker 40 Please say it is. I'm dying for one of them.
The tuna will be proper chuff with me.

Speaker 38 Excuse me, Miss Schoffenny. Yes, yes, what? We have a message for you.

Speaker 19 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 24 Rudyard, if you get this note, it means you're still at the restaurant, and I was wrong.

Speaker 24 You can do this. Signed, Antigone.

Speaker 24 P.S. If you muck this up, I won't even know where to begin.
But the first time I'm going to be able to do that.

Speaker 34 Oh, well, then.

Speaker 13 Lady Templar, about the funeral.

Speaker 25 Oh, there's plenty of time for that after my interview. Mr.
Chapman, Mr. Marlowe, do sit down.
Trill.

Speaker 36 Go on, budge up, Rudyard. Out.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 40 Let me get this down on the napkin.

Speaker 18 Further to the passing of an aunt of mine, who shall remain nameless, I have decided to arrange her funeral for next Monday with fun funerals.

Speaker 36 Next Monday with Chapmans.

Speaker 18 Got it? I said fun funerals.

Speaker 41 Good. Sorry.

Speaker 40 Let's try again.

Speaker 36 Monday with...

Speaker 37 Chapmans.

Speaker 40 There, my mistake.

Speaker 34 Mr.

Speaker 23 Marlowe, I'm not booking my funeral with Chapmans.

Speaker 37 Ain't ya?

Speaker 39 But it says so on the napkin.

Speaker 33 Yes, be that as it may, I am not booking the Chapmans.

Speaker 40 So who are you booking with then?

Speaker 10 That would be me.

Speaker 35 You?

Speaker 36 Yes.

Speaker 39 So do you work for Chapmans now?

Speaker 36 No, I'm still where I always have been.

Speaker 39 But that would mean she's booking with fun funerals.

Speaker 36 Yes.

Speaker 39 But nearly everyone books with Chapmans, don't they?

Speaker 3 Well, she hasn't.

Speaker 36 Wait a sec.

Speaker 36 You, Lady Templar, are booking a funeral with him, Roger Funn, of fun funerals, instead of him, Eric Chapman of Chapmans. Is that right? Yes.
Okay,

Speaker 36 right.

Speaker 31 But it says on the napkin. Oh, forget the napkin.

Speaker 25 Listen to my voice.

Speaker 19 Hmm?

Speaker 19 I

Speaker 36 am

Speaker 2 booking with

Speaker 36 fun

Speaker 2 funerals.

Speaker 39 Okay, let's say you're right, and I'm not saying you are.

Speaker 2 Oh my god!

Speaker 40 I need to ask you.

Speaker 41 Here, can I have a quail's egg?

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 40 Cheers.

Speaker 39 Why didn't you just.

Speaker 36 You're horrible.

Speaker 37 Try one.

Speaker 35 No, thank you.

Speaker 39 Okay, I'll have yours then.

Speaker 42 Now, why didn't you ask Eric to do it for you?

Speaker 39 No offence, Rudyard.

Speaker 33 Well, Mr. Marlowe,

Speaker 33 Sidney.

Speaker 14 It's simply that I.

Speaker 18 I did.

Speaker 19 You did?

Speaker 6 What a twist! I.

Speaker 6 I.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 6 yes.

Speaker 6 So what? It's called shopping around.

Speaker 20 It's simply that I'm not able to meet her requirements.

Speaker 39 Fun funerals is?

Speaker 40 I find that hard to believe.

Speaker 37 No offense, Rudyard.

Speaker 2 Yep, sure.

Speaker 15 I know that people have said some very unkind things about fun funerals in the past.

Speaker 42 Including you, many times. Yes, yes.

Speaker 40 I've filled a page in the Piffling Matters Christmas Annual with the things you've said against fun funerals.

Speaker 18 The point is that I've reconsidered the hasty words I may or may not have said in the past.

Speaker 23 I mean, here's the annual.

Speaker 2 I don't want it!

Speaker 16 And I now

Speaker 36 believe

Speaker 18 that fun funerals offers a unique service.

Speaker 33 Yes, that has a great deal of

Speaker 33 charm.

Speaker 26 And that the team there do not deserve to be written off.

Speaker 18 Entirely.

Speaker 10 Thank you, Lady Templar.

Speaker 36 That's so kind.

Speaker 39 Nah, not buying it.

Speaker 42 No offense, Rodjord.

Speaker 11 But she's just hanging about.

Speaker 36 Oh, I know. Are you bluffing?

Speaker 34 Is this a bluff?

Speaker 40 You're bluffing nature. I think it's a bluff.

Speaker 34 Is it a bluff? It's not a bluff. It is a bluff.
It is not a bluff. It is a bluff.
Not a bluff.

Speaker 35 It is a bluff. Not a bluff.
It's a bluff.

Speaker 13 Not a bluff. It's a bluff.
Not a bluff.

Speaker 32 It is a bluff. I wouldn't need to bluff.

Speaker 2 You'd just give me a bloody freebie. But But what?

Speaker 40 You mean all this is because you expected a free funeral from Eric Chapman?

Speaker 19 Lady Templar.

Speaker 23 Oh, don't you look at me like that.

Speaker 2 I am broke.

Speaker 30 You hear me?

Speaker 33 Flat out broke.

Speaker 18 That fat should leave this table. Lily.

Speaker 33 You simply told me that. Oh, shut it, it's my git.
Let me tell you, Mr. Marlowe.

Speaker 18 Eric Chapman is a preeming egomaniac.

Speaker 36 Now, wait a minute.

Speaker 40 I don't think anyone's come out of this looking good.

Speaker 37 Oh, except me, maybe.

Speaker 38 Is there anything the matter at this table?

Speaker 34 No, go away.

Speaker 10 Actually, could I get some cheese for Madeline?

Speaker 2 Who's Madeline?

Speaker 38 Yes, madame.

Speaker 3 There's a mouse on a table.

Speaker 38 Oh, I shall kill it with my bare hands, madame.

Speaker 36 No, she's a friend!

Speaker 16 Your friend is a mouse.

Speaker 10 Yes, and sometimes she does our account. That's it!

Speaker 3 I've had it out of here with all of you. But for the end.

Speaker 2 Nothing.

Speaker 16 I'm not hiring fun funerals, and I'm not hiring you. I shall be taking my business to Jersey.

Speaker 40 But nobody's ever been there and lived.

Speaker 18 Yes, yes, they have, actually.

Speaker 30 And I'll get a better deal there, too.

Speaker 28 And as for you, Eric...

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 23 it was nice while it lasted.

Speaker 1 I see.

Speaker 33 Right.

Speaker 20 Sid, if you want me, I'll be in the bar. The rest of you, enjoy it.

Speaker 32 Oh, good night.

Speaker 39 Oh, Eric, wait a tick.

Speaker 23 Stop right there, Mr.

Speaker 26 Marlowe.

Speaker 33 You're not taking this story anywhere.

Speaker 42 I am a journalist, Lady Temper, and I cannot cannot allow you to impede a story in the public interest.

Speaker 30 You can have this bread if you burn the napkin.

Speaker 7 I'm doing it.

Speaker 40 Pleasure doing business with you.

Speaker 3 Hi, Eric.

Speaker 34 Grabs on me.

Speaker 18 A ghastly end to a ghastly evening.

Speaker 2 God!

Speaker 18 I hope I've still got that cheesecake in the fridge.

Speaker 10 Lady Templar,

Speaker 27 were you really just using us?

Speaker 29 Oh.

Speaker 29 good night.

Speaker 33 You bizarre little man.

Speaker 38 Your lobster, monsieur?

Speaker 38 And your shortbread and your cheese.

Speaker 38 Would you like the bill now or later?

Speaker 7 The bill?

Speaker 38 I'll bring it later.

Speaker 8 Enjoy your meal.

Speaker 19 Madeleine, I.

Speaker 31 What happened?

Speaker 5 Like his sister before him, Rudyard was banned from the yacht club, having refused to sell their house to pay for a meal that nobody wanted.

Speaker 5 An hour later, we quietly arrived back home, and Rudyard broke the news.

Speaker 7 Well, how'd it go?

Speaker 10 We lost the client.

Speaker 10 She was stringing us along.

Speaker 10 Just like you all said.

Speaker 24 I knew it. I knew it was too good to be true.

Speaker 24 I let you into my mortuary. Oh, it's unclean, unclean.

Speaker 7 I'm taking the... Oh.

Speaker 24 Sorry.

Speaker 24 I am sorry, Roger.

Speaker 9 There'll be other clients.

Speaker 10 We're not beaten yet.

Speaker 10 Are we?

Speaker 24 You should get some sleep.

Speaker 24 Good night.

Speaker 38 Hey.

Speaker 36 Georgie.

Speaker 10 What are you still doing here?

Speaker 10 You should have gone home hours ago.

Speaker 12 Meh thought I'd wait around, see how you got on.

Speaker 10 You knew it had end badly, didn't you?

Speaker 18 I still hoped it wouldn't.

Speaker 12 You okay?

Speaker 7 Wish.

Speaker 10 I wish we could be taken seriously.

Speaker 10 Well.

Speaker 12 Give it time, sir.

Speaker 12 See you tomorrow.

Speaker 31 What is it, Madeline?

Speaker 10 The millionaire's shortbread.

Speaker 13 Didn't see you sneak that out.

Speaker 7 I'd love to.

Speaker 10 I'll get us some plates.

Speaker 5 And so we ate some shortbread together. And, to be honest, it was really quite nice.

Speaker 8 The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Ruddyard was written by David K.

Speaker 8 Barnes and was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Katrina Knox as Lady Templar, Sarah Tom as Petunia Bloom, Paul Putner as Sid Marlowe, Holly Campbell as Tanya, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Gladwin.

Speaker 8 Original music composed by James Whittle.

Speaker 8 The program was recorded at the Art Space Studios and was produced and directed by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 4 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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And now you're thinking about grad school? That's not crazy. That's ambitious.

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Speaker 43 Learn more about APU's 40-plus career-relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu. APU built for the hustle.