Funn Fragments: The Full Works

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Fun fragments of wooden overcoats.

Rudyard faces construction disruption in The Full Works by Alex Lynch.

I said we can bury him on Tuesday, Miss Rosenkrant.

Sorry, could you say that again?

We've got some work going on outside.

I said outside.

Outside, Miss Rosenkrantz.

No, I don't want you to go outside.

I'm just saying.

Hello.

Hello.

Come back, Miss Rose and...

Oh, the only customer all day, and I can't even hear her.

What was that, Madeline?

I don't know.

It's building works, scaffolding, underground pipes.

They've shut off the water again.

Is this necessary?

You're driving my mouse to distraction.

Dodging!

Right, I've spoken to the head control.

He said they're gonna have to jack and board the access chamber and then push her on the pipes to bury the dead man under the doghouse while the scaffolders organise the cherry pickers, fix the bird cage, and check the counterweight before they can even begin to think about adding the bosun's chair.

And what does the bosun have to say about that?

I only ask them when the drilling will stop.

And?

They don't know.

Perfect.

I kind of also got into a violent altercation with three of them.

They were being sexist, but they're not anymore.

Madeline got cat called the other day.

Cat called?

Who buy?

A cat.

Sleaze bags.

Ignore them, Madeline.

Don't give them the satisfaction.

How's Antigone?

Sounds like business as usual.

Christ!

Hello.

I've got corpses flopping out of the coffins.

My instruments are all over the floor, and I've just tipped an entire vat of embalming fluid all over myself.

Why?

I didn't mean to.

Oh, good.

I thought you'd gone mad.

It's the construction work.

It's rattling the entire mortuary.

So you stiffs aren't stiff.

It isn't funny.

Stop it!

Antigone?

I can't focus in the mortuary.

I shall work up here.

Hang on, that wouldn't mean.

I'm getting miseries in France.

Fuck.

What's the purpose of all this anyway?

The whole square's a construction site.

Sir, I know it's a massive undertaking, but the mayor wants the new bench installed as soon as possible.

You're his secretary, you should know about these things so you can warn us in advance.

I did, sir.

I told you two weeks ago.

Well, I can't remember everything that people said to me two weeks ago.

That's why I wrote it in your calendar.

I have a calendar.

I went out and bought you a calendar, and then I wrote in it.

Well, I can't remember everything that's written down in my calendar.

Well, that's why I also recorded our conversation on tape.

Sir, in two weeks, you're gonna be doing construction work in the square outside.

Thanks for telling me, Georgie.

I'm not likely to forget that in a hurry.

Good lord.

Is that how I say?

I'm Rudyard Fan.

And this is my voice.

Well, is there nothing we can do?

What your voice?

Maybe you could speak like this.

About the noise.

Oh, don't worry, I've got that covered.

Here.

Hey, yogurt.

It's got natural herbs and vitamins to reduce anxiety.

Does it?

Yeah.

I've read it off the back of something, probably a yogurt.

Right.

Right.

Get out of the way.

You can't bring a body up here.

That's right.

That's right.

Dumpies on the counter.

Very attractive.

Welcome to fun funerals.

Come in, have a browse.

Don't mind the decomposing post-shapes.

Radjard!

I've got a splitting headache, severe dehydration, and I haven't been able to watch in days.

Nothing new there.

Rajard!

Georgie, why didn't you stock us up on bottled water?

Don't worry, Georgie.

I'll stock up on bottled water, or my name isn't Radyard Fung.

And this is my voice.

I should have my own series.

Oh, why can't the bony hand of Detras take me now?

Hey, look on the bright side.

No matter how bad it gets out there, Eric's bound to be suffering just as badly.

That's a point.

If we keep that in our heads, we might just about get through this.

Morning, Fons!

Georgie?

Just came by to see how you're all faring with the construction works.

Deafening outside, isn't it?

We're not worried.

In fact, we're so busy, we've barely noticed the drilling.

Or the demolition.

Or radio one.

How about you, Eric?

It's very stressful with the noise, thirst, general misery.

No.

Ever since we had the double blazing installed, you can barely hear a thing.

Oh.

I know this guy, Graham.

He sorted us out before they all got started.

But how are you doing without water?

We've got our own reservoir.

Oh, of course we have.

Also installed by Graham.

He put our steam baths in, too.

What a treasure.

I know.

Tell you what, if things do get too much, I know the chief engineer working on the pipes outside.

Is it Graham?

It is!

It's Graham!

I'd be happy to ask him to halt things for a couple of hours so you lot can get some work done.

I suppose that could actually be.

No need, Chapman.

We get the body in the coffin in the ground on time, regardless of our surroundings.

Always swiftly learning to adopt and adapt.

In fact,

tell them they can be even louder.

We can cope with anything.

Well, that does seem counterproductive.

But okay, sure.

Enjoy yourselves.

Graham!

You saw those two gangsters went two ways yet.

I've done construction work a long time ago!

Well, I think we showed him.

I will bury you.

Right!

That does it.

I'm gonna give those people a peace of my mind.

I would strongly advise you against that, sir.

I'll say, now look here.

Our job is to prepare the deceased with dignity and integrity, and you're showing a complete lack of respect for the dead.

And if you ignore me, I shall bring this matter to the highest authorities in Piffling Vale.

How many of them are out there, Georgie?

Twelve.

And they're all pretty big.

Well then, um,

that's what I'll say.

Go on, then.

I have said it.

What good is it?

Say it to us.

Go and say it to them.

Oh, I don't think I need to do that.

What?

The important thing is, I got it off my chest.

Gosh, I do feel better now.

There's a cement mixer outside.

Why don't you go and stick your head in it?

Okay, let's just calm down.

Antigone, have a yogurt.

I don't want a sodden yogurt!

Oh, for God's sake, we all just bloody, bloody sodden, shut up!

There.

We just needed to assert ourselves.

Clearly.

Good going.

We don't need Chapman and his favours.

Do you need some more dynamite, Graham?

Pass me a yogurt, Georgie.

Mr.

Rosengrants' arm has fallen off.

Shut up, Rudyard!

The full works was written by Alex Lynch and was performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, and Kira Baxendale as Georgie, with additional voices by Holly Campbell.

The script was edited by David K.

Barnes and the music composed by James Whittle.

The programme was recorded at the Coach House studio and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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