Funn Fragments: The Social Rudyard

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Fun fragments of wooden overcoats.

Rudyard enters the 21st century in

The Social Rudyard by Chris Hogg.

And remember, Georgie, before you go, we've got Mrs.

Ocelot coming round to see her sister tomorrow morning.

I'm not sure she actually knows what we do, so when she sees her sister, it might be a surprise for her.

Surprise, yay.

So, I want you to sweep the floor, wash the windows, see if you can do anything

interesting with the dead begonias, and maybe put out two glasses of tap water, one week, one strong, then she has a choice.

Sweep the water, yeah.

Georgie, could you stop fiddling with your phone and listen to me?

Listening on in.

Georgie!

Sorry, sir, it's just I've got one bar on my phone.

I've never had that before.

You mean you've got a signal?

The thunderstorm last night must have zapped some life into the communications aerial.

I'm finally getting something.

The Reverend won't be happy.

His bathroom was the only spot for the reception, and he just put his prices up.

Spend a penny means something very different on Piffling, let me tell you.

Because it costs a fiver.

What was that?

I've got a message.

Ah!

Get down, Georgie, it's dangerous.

It's all the messages I've been missing out on.

How are they even getting here?

Through the internet.

Connected to the internet?

Where are the wires?

It's wireless.

The information goes through the air.

Through the air?

Yeah.

Is it going through me now?

I think so.

Like a ghost.

Ghosts don't go through people.

Would you like to walk through a person?

No.

So why would a ghost?

God,

they're still coming in.

Twitter,

Facebook,

Instagram.

I've got over three million notifications.

Look, what are all these notifications?

Social media?

Nope, that was just a noise.

Sorry.

Social media.

It's websites and apps and things where people can talk to each other except through text.

Like telegrams?

Sure.

Everyone's on social media, sir.

Taking pictures, giving opinions, sharing their lives.

They're connecting.

Not everyone, Georgie.

Some parts of Piffling haven't had the Reformation yet.

Let alone the Information Superhighway.

You know, a fun funeral should establish a a social media presence online.

It could be great for business.

How?

Everyone knows we're here and they can come if they want to.

And since nobody does want to come here, I can't see what advertising the fact will do for us.

Some people pay to be memorialised online.

It could be the future of funerals.

We can't get the body in the coffin in the ground on time if there isn't any ground.

Or a coffin or a body.

No, no, no, Georgie.

This social media thing sounds like a step too far for this firm.

We must remain traditional, after all.

Eric's got two million followers.

What?

Eric.

He's got two million followers.

Um,

what do they do for him?

They like things.

Oh,

just shared a photo of his frothy cappuccino.

Hashtag funeral care, hashtag enjoy yourselves.

Take a look, he's got 38 likes already.

Do people like to see pictures of a beverage?

What am I looking at?

The future.

You're right.

Chapman's opened up a new battlefront.

We must retaliate.

To the kitchen!

Why?

To fetch our secret weapon.

This.

A jar of instant coffee.

An emergency break lid.

If the people want a picture of a hot drink, then then fun funerals will provide.

But the coffee's just a big solid lump at the bottom.

We live in a time of great austerity.

Some people don't even have this.

No, some people have a frothy cappuccino.

Hand me that knife.

I'll chip away at it.

Now, while I'm doing this, go and fetch my father's old camera from the attic.

I'll have to stand still for half an hour when you take the picture or it won't develop properly.

I can take a picture with my phone.

You can what?

I can take a picture with my phone.

You can what?

I can take a picture with my phone.

You can.

What?

You've got a mobile phone, haven't you?

Yes.

What does it do?

Phones, people.

Like a telephone.

But mobile.

I need to get a smartphone like mine.

Need is a very flexible word, Georgie.

Is that enough, coffee?

Nah.

You're not going to get any crema with that.

What's crema?

The bubbles you get on a cup of coffee.

Look at Eric's.

Turn your coffee bubbles to hell, gentlemen!

There.

Coffee.

Pour some water over it.

Shouldn't we boil it?

I could put it on the stove.

Have you seen our gas bill?

You've got to spend money to make money.

No, you've got to take money to make money.

People always get that wrong.

But come on, Georgie.

I haven't got all day.

Photograph me.

We need to set the scene, so.

The scene is: I've just made some coffee.

But we should dress it up.

Establish your personal brand.

I just want you to take a photograph.

You've got to think about what you want people to say about you.

What do you think they say at the moment?

I imagine that it's how I get the body in the coffin in the ground on time.

Yeah.

I imagine.

But how about your personality?

The Rudyard touch.

How do we capture that too?

What if I smile?

No, please don't do that.

Then what can I do?

You need something that lets the world know what you're about.

Something that says fun funerals.

Something that says Rudyard.

I've got it.

Quick, to the mortuary and bring that coffee.

Just as well Antigone has gone out this evening.

It's Thursday.

She's gone to the cinema.

Since when is she going to the cinema?

No.

Never mind.

We've got work to do.

I must say, she's done an excellent job with Mrs.

Ocelot's sister.

Perfect.

What are we doing?

Establishing my personal brand, Georgie.

If I'm an undertaker, I need to prove that we're comfortable being around their dead relatives.

Let's set her up.

Mrs.

Ocelot's sister.

Yes, yes, come on.

The dead won't mind.

They never mind anything.

Put her arm around my shoulders.

Hand me that coffee

and we're all set.

Snap away.

Are you sure about this, sir?

Get snapping, Georgie.

There.

We're done.

Excellent.

How long will it take to develop?

It's online, I've done it.

You mean everyone can see that photograph?

Yeah.

Your personal brand is underway.

Oh, let's see.

Let's see.

Oh,

yes.

That's the stuff.

That's definitely me, all right.

I'm great at capturing the individual.

Georgie, look, the um, what do you call it, the likes, they're going up already.

Five, ten, twenty,

thirty,

sir.

Fifty, sixty, seventy.

This is incredible.

Sir, it's not quite.

A hundred.

A hundred likes, Georgie.

I love it.

The future is here.

So,

you haven't got 100 likes.

No, no, no, no, I've got 300 now.

That little dash?

It's a minus sign.

300 minus likes.

Yeah.

I've never seen that before.

I didn't know it was possible.

So people still don't like me.

If anything, they like you less than they did before.

Make it stop, Georgie.

Make it all go away.

I can't, sir.

There's nothing I can do.

That thunderstorm has brought the future to Piffling.

Not if I've got anything to do with this.

Grab the other shovel, Georgie.

Where are we going?

We've got a date for that communications, Ariel.

The future is a wonderful thing, but I don't think Piffling's ready for it.

The Social Rudyard was written by Chris Hogg and was performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard and Kira Baxendale as Georgie, with additional voices by Holly Campbell.

The script was edited by David K.

Barnes and the music composed by James Whittle.

The program was recorded at the Coach House studio and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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