Funn Fragments: Antigone Antagonized

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Fun fragments of wooden overcoats.

A mortician's medical records are examined in

Antigone Antagonized by Ben Cotton.

Aha!

Hey, if there's one thing I've always feared, it's my brother entering the room and saying that. Aha? Yes, it means you've got an idea.
You're only jealous because you can't say it. Yes, I can.

Ah, well.

Anyway, you're just the person I wanted to see. Even if you're embalming a body on your day off.
Some of us, work isn't just work, it's our passion, our calling, our way of life.

And on that note, I've been doing the paperwork. You've been running fun funerals since you were still at school, and I've never ever seen you do any paperwork.
Now look here.

Each time I check the accounts, I've nearly had a heart attack. Last year's tax return was just the words, tax return, written on the back of a receipt for a shoe.

I'm still saving up for the other one. In fact, how much tax did we actually pay? Madam?

Yes, that's it. Luckily for us, the mayor doesn't always read everything it's given.
Sorry, but what part of doing the paperwork is coming to tell me that you're doing the paperwork?

You still want to be co-director of fun funerals, don't you? I am the co-director of fun funerals. That's where you're wrong, I'm afraid! But you need to be registered, and, well, you're not.
But

why?

Because,

Antigone,

you don't exist.

Oh.

I've always wondered.

I thought perhaps I was simply being paranoid. I mean, you're just not on any company documents.
You don't officially exist.

Oh.

Yes, Carrie. So today I'm filling in your paperwork so that you can officially help to run our business.
Oh.

Thank you, Rajard. Which leads us to your medical history.
I haven't got a medical history. I know, and you need one.
So that's what I'm doing here. Now tell me your medical history.

I don't want to tell you my medical history. Why should I tell you my medical history? To prove you're a love.
That's ridiculous.

Antigone, what's the first thing people say to you when you meet them in the street? I thought you were dead. And sometimes they're still not convinced even when you talk back to them.

Now, fill out the form.

Medical self-assessment form.

No, I'm busy. I'll do it later.
No, we'll get it done now, shall we? Self-assessment, Roger, the clues in the title.

Look, you make the outrageous claim I'm no good at paperwork, then when I offer to do something, you start complaining about it. Doesn't the doctor already have our medical records?

He barely has time to cry, let alone keep my records. Oh, let's get on with it then.
But I'm still embalming Mr. Smiley.
All right, all right.

There, that's the fluid pumping away. You ready now? Yes, right.
Name.

You know my name.

We're doing it properly. Antigone fun.

Antigone.

Do you suffer from any of the following? Yes.

Haven't read them out yet. Just put yes, it'll save time in the long run.
Are you sure you wouldn't like me to?

Yep, all those.

Get on with it, come on. Eyesight, sharp.

Hearing. What was that?

Any recent accidents? I was propelled down a mine shaft by your best friend. Propelled down a mine shaft by a total stranger.
Got a

lots of the funerary profession. Cremation face, tick, forebearer's shoulder, tick, and palmer's wheeze.
Oh, definitely tick.

Do you drink? Only methanol. Will drink anything.
Don't put that! Recreational drugs, her own brand of chocolates. Miss Doyle must arrest herself as anyone last week.
Allergies.

Cat's dust, heat, bees,

pollen, toothpaste. Caffeine makes her hair turn green.
This is getting embarrassing. Semi-invisible at one with the dark.
Uh

mental health?

Shall I just put yes, some?

How about you just write, I'm the sister of Roger, fun, work it out. As you like.

Oh, I see. How much more of this bloody thing is there? For you, I'd say another ten pages.
I've got to get back to work. Can we just copy yours? It won't make any difference.
Let's do your own.

It's too hard. Let me look at yours.
No! I want to look at yours. Haven't got one.
You haven't got one? No, I haven't got one. Ah, queer!

I've caught you out. I saw the doctor for my very own medical, and I passed with flying colours, if you must know.
Thank you very much, sir. There.

What does she say? Could we keep it.

Could we keep it down? She's got a headache.

Oh, uh, Madeline, when you've got a minute, could you help me with the tax return? But I judge she's a mouse. There's no way to talk about our account.
For God's sake!

You wonder why Chapman does better than us. Chapman, Chapman, Chapman, is all I ever get from you.
Uh, let's look at psychiatric disorders. Totally obsessed with Eric.

You hypocrite! And And a persecution complex, too. I'll show you a persecution complex.

Hey, hey.

Give me back that form, you'll ruin it. Don't care!

Give it to me! But it's stupid, I don't like it. You're afraid of ink! No, what?

You're insulting my paperwork! You're an exaggerating my medical history! You're a walking exaggeration!

Wait, what's that thought?

Mr. Smiley Pingarly Fluorid! Turn it off, turn it off!

I hope it's not open casket? No,

I was just trying to help. Where's the form?

Floating in a puddle of what could be embalming fluid or Mr. Smiley.

I'm sorry. If we're going to run this place effectively.
Yes, yes, I know. I'll get another four.
Thank you. So long as you hire a proper accountant to do our tax returns.

Well, you've put me in a real spot now. Roger.
Oh, fine. I'll go and see Dr.
Edgware. You clean up.

Don't you worry, Madeline.

We're not replacing you. You're the finest accountant this firm has ever had.

And the cheapest, yes.

Now let's clear up, Mr. Smiley.

We can decant him into the coffin.

Antigone Antagonized was written by Ben Coch

and was performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard and Beth Eyre as Antigone, with additional voices by Holly Campbell. The script was edited by David K.
Barnes and the music composed by James Whittle.

The programme was recorded at the Coach House Studio and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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