Season 2 Episode 5: Flip Flap Flop

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Speaker 4 Radiad Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Pifling Vale. Used to run it by himself.
He doesn't anymore. Fun funerals remains entirely unknown beyond the shores of Pifling.

Speaker 4 But it's due to receive important guests and a chance to impress the world.

Speaker 4 Wooden Overcoats, created by David K. Barnes.

Speaker 4 Season 2, Episode 5.

Speaker 4 Flip-Flop-Flop by T.A. Woodsmith.

Speaker 4 Of course, Radiad had no idea what the day would bring when he was sat at the breakfast table on Monday morning, sifting through the post.

Speaker 7 Your toast is toasted.

Speaker 8 Why, for once, can't somebody send me a postcard or a coupon or a nice threatening chain letter?

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Speaker 9 Morning.

Speaker 10 I toast, Roger. Couldn't you have done something?

Speaker 5 I know you're jolly important around here these days, but I'm not making breakfast for you.

Speaker 10 Richard, when the toast pops up, there is a finite window of exactly 11 seconds in which the spreading of the butter, which should be kept at room temperature, will be tolerated by the toast break, suicides into crumbly annihilation.

Speaker 10 Dear God, where are the knives?

Speaker 12 Well, there's a sentence I never like to hear you say.

Speaker 10 Richard, the toast has got to be hot, but it's not hot, it's lukewarm, because somebody put the butter in a fridge.

Speaker 13 That was Madeline.

Speaker 10 It's now going to be impossible to ensure that the toast is. That the toast is.
The toast is. Oh!

Speaker 10 Why are things

Speaker 9 You're beginning to seem a little unstable.

Speaker 14 Hey, everyone.

Speaker 9 Georgie, please tell me you're having a good morning.

Speaker 10 Actually, it's been a weird one. I overslept, stubbed my toe, and brushed my teeth with Vagicille.

Speaker 9 Don't know what that is, but your teeth look very healthy.

Speaker 10 Your morning's been even worse than mine. I suppose you want the day off, so you can retreat to a darkened room with a gothic horror novel and a box of dates.
Nah, I'm alright.

Speaker 3 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 10 Water off your duck's back. Does nothing ever faze you? How about uh people's eating noises, bad grammar, having to use public lavatories? Nah, life's too short.
Hey, what happened to this toast?

Speaker 10 I make him more, leave me alone.

Speaker 10 Is she okay?

Speaker 15 She hasn't been okay for 35 years.

Speaker 9 Don't see why she ought to be now.

Speaker 3 Hang on.

Speaker 10 This looks interesting. Shouldn't you be with the mayor this morning? Yes.
I just came by to confirm my schedule, so we could just take a quick look.

Speaker 5 Wait a minute, wait a minute. This letter, do you know what it says?

Speaker 10 No, I didn't write it.

Speaker 15 After all this time, it's finally happened.

Speaker 14 Had to Georgie, we're going to get stiffed.

Speaker 10 Could you say that again, please?

Speaker 6 We're going to get stiffed on Friday.

Speaker 3 Stiff?

Speaker 10 Actually, the more you say it, the more I don't like it. Wait, you're not just being ludicrous.
You mean they're...

Speaker 5 Yeah, it's the Society to Independent Funeral Film Directors.

Speaker 10 You mean they're holding their conference on Piffley?

Speaker 16 Yes, and we're hosting it.

Speaker 10 Roger! Would you look at my schedule, please? Do you remember the stiffed sticker albums we had when we were children?

Speaker 5 I still collect them on the side.

Speaker 14 Look.

Speaker 10 Shinies?

Speaker 10 Okay, so these people are a big deal? They're the biggest deal in the business.

Speaker 9 Guess a nod from them and your practice will have international support.

Speaker 11 Finally, some recognition. Professional esteem.

Speaker 5 Our noble industry, providing that wisp of continuity through the pain and the grief.

Speaker 11 I mean, you can't beat it, can you?

Speaker 8 We ought to be knighted.

Speaker 10 Torso. And you're the best thing, Roger.

Speaker 9 Yes, we've proven once and for all that we're better than that asinine people blazer across the square.

Speaker 10 Maybe shocking blue eyes be damned. What? Nothing, Shut up.
Don't you think it's strange that Arik Chapman wasn't asked to host the conference himself?

Speaker 9 Don't be a traitor, Georgie, not today.

Speaker 10 Seeing as everybody loves him and everything.

Speaker 5 Georgie, he may have charisma in a bowling alley, but we get the body and the coffin in the ground on time.

Speaker 10 So does he. He copied us.
We need to roll out the red cupboard on this one, Roger.

Speaker 11 As cheaply as we can, I agree.

Speaker 10 We can do the reception here, but what about the actual conference?

Speaker 17 The village hall.

Speaker 10 We only need the mayor's permission to get stiffed in there.

Speaker 5 Georgie, how about it?

Speaker 9 Can you get me an appointment?

Speaker 10 Sure, take along this morning. Must be stressful running between two jobs.
Nah, dead easy.

Speaker 10 Do you have to be quite so unflappable?

Speaker 3 Yep.

Speaker 15 No, for the love. Antigone, stop seething and get planning.

Speaker 5 I'll be back in an hour, and I expect to see some bunting plans.

Speaker 17 Oh, right, all right.

Speaker 10 Let a woman have her breakfast first, why don't you?

Speaker 3 My toast!

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Speaker 3 Flip!

Speaker 10 Would you like me to butter your toast for you? Don't patronize me. Fine.
I didn't say no.

Speaker 4 It turned out that Georgie was great at buttering toast. And afterwards, she took Rudyard to the Piffling Bakery for an audience with Mayor Desmond Desmond.

Speaker 18 Good morning, Jerry.

Speaker 14 Just the croissant, I think.

Speaker 19 Like some jam with that, your worship?

Speaker 3 Oh, no, I shouldn't.

Speaker 14 Got the big weigh-in on Friday.

Speaker 21 Oh, now that's a shame, because I've just put out a tray of my famous creamy eclairs.

Speaker 3 Oh, Jerry, you devil!

Speaker 23 How many points in one of those?

Speaker 22 One and a half.

Speaker 23 Oh, go on, then, quickly, before she sees me.

Speaker 3 Mr. Mayor,

Speaker 10 put that eclair down. It must have at least ten points in it.

Speaker 7 Jerry said it was one and a half.

Speaker 10 I don't care what Jerry said. What kind of bakery are you running here, Jerry?

Speaker 21 Uh, I'll just get your cross on your worship.

Speaker 10 And no jam.

Speaker 11 No jam, Miss Crusoe. Sorry.

Speaker 24 You helped me dodge a bullet there, Miss Crush.

Speaker 10 We'll have words about this, my lad. Right now, Ruddard's got something he wants to ask you.

Speaker 12 Can't you fob him off?

Speaker 23 I'd rather not see him.

Speaker 3 Hello.

Speaker 3 Oh, dear.

Speaker 23 How embarrassing for both of us.

Speaker 5 I'd like to book the village hall on Friday.

Speaker 3 Why?

Speaker 5 Because I'm going to get stiffed.

Speaker 24 Are you sure you want an audience for that?

Speaker 10 They're a society of funeral people, VIPs.

Speaker 15 They're holding their annual conference in Piffling Vale.

Speaker 3 Oh, well then.

Speaker 24 we should get Eric to host it.

Speaker 14 No we shouldn't? Yes, we should. He'd be very good.
They've made me the host.

Speaker 3 Well, we could write to them, try and explain.

Speaker 2 No, we can't.

Speaker 3 Yes, I can. I've got a secretary.

Speaker 9 No, look here, I'm not going to sit back and watch Chapman get stiff when it should be me instead.

Speaker 25 Hi, this place is busy this morning.

Speaker 14 Chapman!

Speaker 12 Eric!

Speaker 24 We were just talking about watching you get stiffed.

Speaker 11 I'm sorry.

Speaker 26 Oh, stiffed?

Speaker 5 Oh, what a great gang.

Speaker 23 They're coming here on Friday. We were wondering if you'd like to host a conference for them.

Speaker 25 No, we won't. Well, thank you, Des.
I'd love to. But I can't.
What? I hosted it a few years ago and you're only allowed to do it once.

Speaker 24 Oh, bother.

Speaker 23 We were so looking forward to it, weren't we?

Speaker 5 Yes, because I'm the host this year, so that...

Speaker 20 That's quite the honour, Bridget.

Speaker 25 You'll be doing the speech as well, then. What speech? Every host has to give the keynote address at the beginning of the conference.
I'm happy to provide any help I can if you need it.

Speaker 9 Thank you, but if there's quite literally one thing I know about, it's undertaking. Still, public speaking's a difficult beast, isn't it?

Speaker 25 That balance between content and banter. I once had to give a TED talk about the Finnish education system.

Speaker 20 I thought it'd make me a nervous wreck. It didn't, though.

Speaker 25 No, it was fine.

Speaker 20 Real hoot.

Speaker 5 I won't need any banter. My speech will have substance.

Speaker 20 A couple of jokes won't hurt, won't they?

Speaker 8 Sometimes jokes cut deeper than steel.

Speaker 25 Right, well, I look forward to it anyway. We sit on for Patonk this morning, Des.

Speaker 5 Just a minute. Can I have the haul on Friday or not?

Speaker 18 Can you image cruise?

Speaker 10 The conference room's available, though the Tillywink Club need it from six.

Speaker 5 Who cares about them, eh? I do.

Speaker 23 I'm the president.

Speaker 14 Then thank you. That'll be fine.

Speaker 5 Don't worry, your worship.

Speaker 3 I won't let Priffling down.

Speaker 3 You're cross-old, Mr. Mayor.

Speaker 27 Oh, thank you, John.

Speaker 10 Let me see that.

Speaker 10 Jam in the middle. I knew it.

Speaker 3 I've been free.

Speaker 10 Right, everybody, outside. You're gonna play the most intense game of baton you've ever played.

Speaker 3 Come on.

Speaker 10 Don't forget your balls.

Speaker 4 Radyard had escaped this grisly fate and was free to work on his opus, the greatest and most informative speech ever delivered to a union of undertakers.

Speaker 4 But several days later, he seemed no closer to finishing it.

Speaker 7 Fellow members of the industry, welcome to Piffling. I can assure you that your being here is no Piffling concern.

Speaker 26 Pause for laughter.

Speaker 11 Ah, Georgie, I want you to tell me if this joke is merely funny or very funny.

Speaker 8 After all, I've got to pace myself.

Speaker 10 Sorry, I can't stop. Aunt Tigani's got me baking for the reception.
She's really ordering me around today.

Speaker 11 That must be stressful.

Speaker 10 That's what she keeps telling me, but I'm not convinced. Anyway, those sausage rolls won't make themselves.

Speaker 3 Sausage rolls.

Speaker 5 These people are sophisticated professionals. They respond to integrity, not party food.

Speaker 10 So are they snobs or are they just boring?

Speaker 5 I'm happy to say they're both. Trust me, all they need is a bottle of sherry between them.

Speaker 10 You've got 25 people coming.

Speaker 5 Well, so make sure it's a popular brand.

Speaker 30 Off you go.

Speaker 10 Georgie! I'm talking to Rodjard. Rudyard, referred to the schedule.
Georgie's mine for another three and a half minutes. See you in a more, sir.

Speaker 10 Come on.

Speaker 7 In the doomsday survey of 1086, it states that Enaeus de Brandon held four carrackets of land named as Piffling Vale. And as one carrakate equates to nearly 120 acres, that's no Piffling concern.

Speaker 26 Pause for laughter.

Speaker 8 Being this funny is hard work.

Speaker 11 Ah, Georgie, do I have you now?

Speaker 10 Sorry, I'm back with you tomorrow morning. Gotta go to the mayor's office now.

Speaker 9 What about the baking?

Speaker 10 She changed her mind again. I spent the morning mastering the art of French pastry and now she wants me to go and buy everything from Jerry instead.

Speaker 15 That's incredibly frustrating for you.

Speaker 10 No, I've learned a new skill. See ya.

Speaker 10 Unbelievable. Not even a touch.

Speaker 7 Did you know that piffling doesn't rhyme with anything?

Speaker 10 It's like orange.

Speaker 10 I made that girl bake 13 separate batches of different fiddly pastries whilst I told her all about my incredibly long-winded dream in Latin, and she stayed calm through the whole thing.

Speaker 10 Not one feather ruffled. I don't understand it.

Speaker 7 Aside from trying to frustrate our staff, are you doing anything useful?

Speaker 10 Everything's been organized with no help from me.

Speaker 7 I'm writing the speech. Speech, what speech? The keynote speech at the conference.

Speaker 10 You're doing a speech. What about me?

Speaker 5 You hate public speaking.

Speaker 10 Yes, I know, but I like to be asked.

Speaker 3 We're partners, I should contribute.

Speaker 15 You have. You've organized everything.

Speaker 10 If you give a speech, you'll get the credit.

Speaker 7 Look, I'll make sure to mention you in the closing paragraph, potentially even by name.

Speaker 10 Roger, I have as much right to be the public face of this business as you do.

Speaker 7 And make sure you're on top form at the reception tomorrow.

Speaker 1 I expect it won't last more than a few minutes.

Speaker 4 But when the eve of the conference arrived, the 25 delegates.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 4 what would you call it? A misery of undertakers?

Speaker 4 The funerati?

Speaker 4 I don't know. Anyway, they all descended upon fun funerals, and a single bottle of sherry began to look a little inadequate.

Speaker 10 And Tigny Funn, joint proprietor of fun funerals.

Speaker 10 Yes, we run it together. Yes, you will have to get your head around that.

Speaker 14 Hey, Rupert, isn't it?

Speaker 3 Roger.

Speaker 30 Yeah, Rupert, haven't got your gin tucked away, have you? Me and the boys want a real drink, know what I mean?

Speaker 7 Indeed, I do, Miles.

Speaker 5 And may I suggest a quite whimsical little sherry we picked up.

Speaker 29 Yeah, yeah, we're not 90.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 We have a buffet.

Speaker 29 I said we're not 90.

Speaker 3 I don't quite see what you're getting. Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it.
Neil!

Speaker 30 Neil! He says it's just the sherry!

Speaker 30 Just the sherry!

Speaker 14 The sherry!

Speaker 20 Yeah, I told him that!

Speaker 10 And I've always said, isn't the details?

Speaker 20 Excuse me, sorry, love.

Speaker 18 Have you got any napkins?

Speaker 24 I beg your pardon.

Speaker 24 Sorry.

Speaker 28 Thomas Johnson, John Thomas and the sons.

Speaker 27 Nice to meet you.

Speaker 28 Now, have you got any napkins?

Speaker 10 Yes, just over there.

Speaker 3 Why?

Speaker 28 Whoa, my dad's dribbling all over the place.

Speaker 3 Look at him. Over there.
All right, Dad.

Speaker 28 Silly old sod.

Speaker 24 He's one of the founding members.

Speaker 28 He lives for this conference. Don't ask me why.

Speaker 10 I won't.

Speaker 28 You wouldn't fancy slipping out for a pine somewhere.

Speaker 12 Full disclosure, I am married, but we're on a break.

Speaker 3 Why? Well, she kicked me out.

Speaker 28 I live in the Persia.

Speaker 10 Yes, excuse me. I told you already, we're out of cheese straws.

Speaker 19 No cheese straws.

Speaker 5 You cool this a funeral parlour.

Speaker 10 Julie, we can't afford to upset these people. He's worse than a toddler's birthday party, which I normally enjoy.

Speaker 14 Come on, come on, Nicolaive.

Speaker 5 You two need to replenish the napkins.

Speaker 3 We're out of raspberries.

Speaker 5 And oh, there's been a major spillage by the coffins.

Speaker 30 There goes the sherry.

Speaker 27 They entirely lost control.

Speaker 3 It's like they've been reading about sport or something.

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 well.

Speaker 33 Here's all the bloody dogs. What?

Speaker 3 Rough! Rough!

Speaker 23 There's a hell of this now.

Speaker 11 Port of Warrington, society chairperson for 20 years running.

Speaker 29 Greetings, Madam Chairperson.

Speaker 33 That's me.

Speaker 20 Who are you? Roger Fun.

Speaker 15 Welcome to Piffling Vale.

Speaker 8 I say what an honour it is to host this event.

Speaker 3 Roger.

Speaker 11 Oh, this is my sister, I'm thinking of.

Speaker 10 Joint proprietor of fun funerals.

Speaker 33 Are you? Personally, I've always found joint ownership a tricky concept, especially between siblings.

Speaker 3 Really?

Speaker 21 Never liked sharing.

Speaker 33 Absolute nightmare. I used to have four sisters.

Speaker 3 I don't anymore.

Speaker 3 Audrey.

Speaker 33 You beast, Miles Faraday. Give me a squeeze.

Speaker 33 Oh, be a dear, and fetch me a glass of something scandalous.

Speaker 3 There's nothing left, right, Rupert?

Speaker 5 The bottle broke, but we do have a buffet.

Speaker 14 Sausage roll?

Speaker 33 Why is it green?

Speaker 10 So it looks like grass, and the sausage is the corpse, like it's been buried in a grave. Funny,

Speaker 4 oh, this is one of those everyone's still a bit sober beginning of the night jokes.

Speaker 10 We have coffin and walnut cake, if you prefer.

Speaker 17 Now, listen up.

Speaker 33 I've come 300 miles to this festering little island, and if I don't have something strong and alcoholic in my hand in the next ten seconds, I shall scream.

Speaker 33 Is there no one capable of giving me what I need?

Speaker 25 Evening all.

Speaker 3 Well, that's what's bound to happen. Eric! Eric!

Speaker 33 Oh my god, it's been so long! Everyone! Everyone!

Speaker 3 Everyone!

Speaker 3 Eric's here!

Speaker 3 Yes!

Speaker 13 Rupert, you didn't tell us Eric was here too.

Speaker 5 Yes, he always is. It's actually a bit boring.

Speaker 18 Yeah, what a legend.

Speaker 16 He gave the keynote address back at Stifto 8 and he blew the roof off.

Speaker 5 You don't say.

Speaker 3 Eric, you will help me, won't you?

Speaker 33 I'm your damsel in distress, and you'll never say no to me.

Speaker 25 Ah, yes, let's forget the past.

Speaker 14 How can I help?

Speaker 18 She'd like a drink.

Speaker 3 We all would.

Speaker 25 Well, I'm sure the funds have it all under control.

Speaker 14 They haven't.

Speaker 11 I mean, I have just opened up a new bar as part of the welcome lounge.

Speaker 33 Did somebody say a bar?

Speaker 5 I'm happy to carry over a few bottles to help out.

Speaker 10 That would actually be quite helpful.

Speaker 33 I'd rather you carried me to yours.

Speaker 24 You wouldn't say no to a pitch invasion, would you, Eric?

Speaker 20 Oh, well, our door's always open, but this is really meant to be about fun funerals.

Speaker 33 Oh, I'm sure Rupert and Thingy wouldn't mind.

Speaker 3 I would. You all heard the man.
Let's get this show on the road.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 14 Right. Um.

Speaker 20 Well, you're all invited too, of uh, of course.

Speaker 3 Um

Speaker 19 enjoy him.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Anyone want a sausage roll?

Speaker 26 Good.

Speaker 10 Because they're horrible.

Speaker 4 The fans had seen their welcoming reception spirited away in front of their eyes.

Speaker 4 What else was there to do besides take a few breaths, change into slippers, and begin scrubbing the hummus out of the velvet?

Speaker 10 I didn't even know we had hummus. They smuggled it in under the hat.
They said they wanted us to be rubbish. They didn't even give us a chance to mess it up.
You haven't yet?

Speaker 10 Let them go and play with Eric for the night. We'll impress them tomorrow.
You're not even slightly agitated about today. Nope.

Speaker 10 Is it salt or white wine to get blood out of a carpet? Neither. It's mustard.
Really? Give it a go.

Speaker 10 Oh, no, Georgie. Look, you're just making it worse.
You must be feeling very flustered, mustn't you? What gets out mustard? Ketchup. You sure? Let's see what happens.

Speaker 3 Oh dear.

Speaker 10 God, I'm making a right royal mess of this carpet. You must feel that no matter how hard you scrub it, it just keeps getting worse.
And you want to throw yourself into the lake.

Speaker 3 Nah.

Speaker 10 I've got a steam cleaner at home. I'll bring it around in the morning.
Fix it, no problem.

Speaker 10 Does nothing

Speaker 10 ever flap you? Nothing? Nothing? Nothing at all? No.

Speaker 10 But then I'm not running a family business. You've got a lot of responsibility.
No wonder you're a bit of a mess. What do you you mean? How dare you a bit of a

Speaker 10 no, you're absolutely right, I am sorry. Look, you can't show off with buffets and cherry.
You need to show them your innovation, your craft.

Speaker 10 My embalming fluid. Bingo! Give them the full range tomorrow.
They'd get any undertaker going there, would. Yes, that could actually

Speaker 10 work.

Speaker 10 Thank you, Georgie, and um...

Speaker 10 Sorry for trying to stress you out. Is that what you've been doing? No, I haven't.
That'd be ridiculous. You know me.

Speaker 13 Shawbole, which sounds better?

Speaker 7 Piffling's cobbled streets conceal labyrinthine treasures, or labyrinthine treasures lay beneath these cobbled streets?

Speaker 8 Or should I avoid the Suba-Ridge altogether?

Speaker 10 Sir, go with what your heart tells you.

Speaker 11 You're right, Georgie.

Speaker 10 I'm going to use both. Vajra, you've been writing that speech non-stop for days.
Surely you've got enough by now. I'm still setting the scene.
How long is it so far?

Speaker 3 Twenty pages.

Speaker 10 Here's an index. This speech will take hours to get through.

Speaker 15 If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing as thoroughly as you possibly can.

Speaker 9 Because God knows this is my only chance to talk about the history of our Makrame trade.

Speaker 10 I'm ticking his right. Why don't you let me edit the speech while you go over the square and have a drink?

Speaker 7 But I'm in my pajamas.

Speaker 3 It's nine o'clock.

Speaker 8 Do you really think they're still awake?

Speaker 10 One threw up outside a door three minutes ago. Should I send for the doctor? No, Rudyard.
Just go and get hammered.

Speaker 13 Now, look here, Georgie, I shall have a glass of milk, and they can think themselves lucky.

Speaker 30 Better get dressed. Where's my jacket, gone?

Speaker 10 We're scrubbing the floor with it.

Speaker 3 No, don't tell him that.

Speaker 4 A few minutes later, Radyard arrived in his shirt sleeves at Chapman's, took the lift to the fifth floor, and boarded the monorail to the wine bar.

Speaker 4 As he lurked outside the door, he could hear the rowdy hubbub of drunken undertakers coming from within.

Speaker 9 Here we go, Madeline.

Speaker 2 Wish me luck.

Speaker 3 This looks terrible. Hey, Rupert.
Oh, hello, Miles. Hey, everyone!

Speaker 6 Rupert's here!

Speaker 6 Hey, go, Rupert.

Speaker 3 What are you drinking?

Speaker 29 Oh, thank you. I'll have a glass of milk.

Speaker 3 Classic.

Speaker 13 A couple of gin cocktails over here.

Speaker 5 Oh, no, actually, I don't want a couple of gin cocktails.

Speaker 29 I've been doing impressions of some of the dead men walking.

Speaker 3 Dead men walking.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah, speakers we've had in the past.

Speaker 17 There was this one guy, lost his bottle right there on the podium, shook so hard his fillings fell out.

Speaker 3 Hey, Audrey.

Speaker 33 What is it, you little brute?

Speaker 5 Do the funny guy, the funny guy is hilarious, Rupert.

Speaker 3 Oh, Rupert, don't want to hear about funny, frankly.

Speaker 33 You're probably nervous about tomorrow, aren't you?

Speaker 14 Suppose just to enjoy the tomb.

Speaker 3 I'm sure you've got nothing to boogo boogo boogo funny about.

Speaker 33 That was at 91, I think. Had to be carried away on a stretcher.

Speaker 14 We never saw him again.

Speaker 3 That's encouraging. Where are those drinks?

Speaker 3 Carry up, Miles.

Speaker 13 Chaffendale, you legend.

Speaker 5 Audrey, they're asking for our duets again.

Speaker 3 Oh, Christ, Nichols. I need you, Eric.
I'll be the bono to your share any day

Speaker 5 If there's a glass of milk going on.

Speaker 3 Guzza! You came! Yes! I miss you!

Speaker 3 You big there!

Speaker 3 Steady on that tone! Guzza.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 3 They don't think we like each other.

Speaker 6 Oh, we do, don't we?

Speaker 3 Deep down, it's just a joke.

Speaker 8 You're a brilliant man, somehow.

Speaker 3 I know you are.

Speaker 3 Well, thank you, Chapman.

Speaker 17 You are also a

Speaker 9 man.

Speaker 8 Oh, see?

Speaker 11 What a joker.

Speaker 3 I need to think.

Speaker 3 Delightful.

Speaker 3 I'm glad you can dig out your guitar, you darling.

Speaker 9 I don't think my guitar is drinking today.

Speaker 9 Come on.

Speaker 23 When Chapman did his conference speech, what was it about?

Speaker 29 Now there's a question. Tom?

Speaker 14 Eric's speech?

Speaker 28 Eric Speech, oh, it lives on in my dreams.

Speaker 20 The thing is, big secret is

Speaker 11 there is no secret.

Speaker 19 You know, keep it live, but still, like, totally emotional.

Speaker 32 I didn't know Eric then.

Speaker 6 But by the time he was finished, I felt like he touched a part of me no one had ever touched before.

Speaker 32 A place I didn't even know needed touching.

Speaker 28 It genuinely changed my life.

Speaker 3 But what was it actually about? The song. Oh, the song was.
Oh,

Speaker 6 It's the funny little thing about life.

Speaker 13 It's so consumed by the troubles and strife.

Speaker 3 Just make the change.

Speaker 3 I've got it so inspiring.

Speaker 32 You got a song, Rufus?

Speaker 34 Some funny stories?

Speaker 3 Impressions? None of those, no.

Speaker 28 So what are you going to do?

Speaker 3 Local history.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 32 it's against the rules, but if you wanted, and just because it's you,

Speaker 28 I'd be happy to let Eric take over the speech for you.

Speaker 2 I'm content with the speech, thank you.

Speaker 28 Just so long as we're happy too, Rupert.

Speaker 28 Because us undertakers are a tough crowd.

Speaker 3 Everybody,

Speaker 3 everyone,

Speaker 3 thank you.

Speaker 15 Now, I just wanted to say.

Speaker 15 I just wanted to say,

Speaker 15 I just wanted to say to

Speaker 3 here,

Speaker 3 I can't bloody remember.

Speaker 5 Oh, getting a little bit hairy, isn't it?

Speaker 11 We should probably turn in soon.

Speaker 20 Yeah, yeah, you're right. No, you're right.
Big late tomorrow. That's it, Miles.

Speaker 5 Time for us all to head off to Bedfordshire.

Speaker 28 There you are.

Speaker 3 You go ahead.

Speaker 28 We'll all just get our coats.

Speaker 3 Oh, as you like, Thomas.

Speaker 18 Good night, then.

Speaker 9 Right.

Speaker 9 Good.

Speaker 4 Those muffled tones of friendship faded into the night, leaving Ruddyard alone once more.

Speaker 4 The sun rose again on Piffling Vale, and for some it had been a sleepless night.

Speaker 4 At the entrance to the conference room stood a spotlessly clean table festooned with silk, holding the wares of one Mu's antigone fun.

Speaker 10 They'll be here any minute. Relax, you can do this.
Oh, God, I've forgotten my name. Stop.
Panicking. Do you think they'll like me? I mean, them.
They're nothing they'll like them.

Speaker 10 Who doesn't like scented embalming fluids? I've no idea. The only person who's ever mentioned them to my face before is who? Oh, nothing.

Speaker 10 Sit there.

Speaker 10 I just want to kill her. Don't do that.
Let's try this.

Speaker 13 Hey, you lot!

Speaker 10 Rise and shine, get you free samples of Stiff Sniff right here. Stiff Sniff?

Speaker 27 Got to call you something.

Speaker 3 Morley? Oh.

Speaker 13 Will we sit down?

Speaker 3 You've got a few minutes.

Speaker 14 Please stop shouting.

Speaker 17 I'm not. I said, please, sir.

Speaker 18 Oh, God, what is that wrong?

Speaker 3 This is my full range of scented embalming fluids. Oh, pair of the dog.

Speaker 28 Don't mind if I do.

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm taking it.

Speaker 3 Let them all drink. Your

Speaker 3 health!

Speaker 33 Good lord, is Thomas still at it? What's he drinking?

Speaker 10 Embalming fluid.

Speaker 3 Oh, come ahead.

Speaker 3 What are these?

Speaker 10 Just something I designed to make bodies smell nicer. Some people, Eldorilla's probably nothing.

Speaker 33 What's this one?

Speaker 3 For maldeide and oranges.

Speaker 10 It's called for marmalade for those early morning burials.

Speaker 33 Who wants to go around smelling bodies all day? Besides Thomas.

Speaker 6 The first time was for a bet.

Speaker 10 I just think it didn't move since.

Speaker 3 Hey, how did you get on with Eric last night, Lord?

Speaker 33 Let's just say the magic's gone.

Speaker 11 That doesn't sound like you.

Speaker 33 Oh, shut up, Miles. You don't know what magic is.

Speaker 4 I suppose we better all pour ourselves into the hole.

Speaker 3 In, out, no fuss.

Speaker 33 Sounds like Miles.

Speaker 3 Hey.

Speaker 10 Sample before you go?

Speaker 3 Yes,

Speaker 33 best of luck with the candles, girls.

Speaker 3 Come on.

Speaker 10 They're scented in bombing fluid.

Speaker 10 Oh, what's the point?

Speaker 10 Bloody snobs. Still, wasn't a complete disaster.
You got that scab to drink scented formaldehyde.

Speaker 3 Digging me.

Speaker 3 Georgie.

Speaker 10 Roger, where have you been? You look dreadful.

Speaker 9 I've been up all night working on a backup plan in case the speech doesn't grab them.

Speaker 10 You could just collapse.

Speaker 3 That's the other backup plan.

Speaker 10 Everyone here? All except Chapman. He's in the bathroom.

Speaker 3 Hello, everyone. You alright, Eric?

Speaker 3 I am feeling

Speaker 19 a little worse for wear.

Speaker 17 Hello, Chapman!

Speaker 3 Oh, uh.

Speaker 7 Sorry, you're not feeling well.

Speaker 3 Oh, oh, I.

Speaker 17 I.

Speaker 23 Excuse me, sorry.

Speaker 25 Enjoy your

Speaker 11 day's already a favorite.

Speaker 33 Everybody, hello. If you could please just slump into your seats, we're about to begin.

Speaker 10 Sounds like you cue, sir, knocking dead. Hope you have more luck than I did.

Speaker 33 Good morning, everyone.

Speaker 33 To open STIFT 16, please give a warm hand for Mayor Desmond Desmond.

Speaker 3 Thank you,

Speaker 3 whoever you are.

Speaker 3 Hello, one and all.

Speaker 18 and I'm thrilled to welcome you all to the piffling conference of the

Speaker 14 stiff people.

Speaker 3 Stiff?

Speaker 24 Say that again, and I'll take you outside.

Speaker 32 It's called stiffed.

Speaker 3 It's called Bloody Road.

Speaker 14 That's what I call it.

Speaker 3 I don't know who you people are, but this is... My village, and we're very nearly a town.
No, you're not.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 24 You sit there and say to me,

Speaker 3 you're not even wearing a tie.

Speaker 18 I don't need to stay in and be insulted.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Mr.

Speaker 33 Mayor.

Speaker 3 How many bloody undertakers do we need around here anyway?

Speaker 12 I shall write to myself and complain.

Speaker 3 Yes,

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 33 here to deliver the keynote address. It's Rupert Fun of Funny Funerals.

Speaker 3 Uh,

Speaker 3 thank you.

Speaker 3 And hello.

Speaker 31 My name is

Speaker 34 Rupert Funn, and I am the proprietor of one of the proprietors of Fun Funerals here in Piffling Vale.

Speaker 34 And may I say, continuing a family tradition many centuries in the making is an honour I do not undertake lightly.

Speaker 34 Well,

Speaker 34 there has been a funeral home on our site since the 15th century.

Speaker 3 How do we know this? Lots and lots of paperwork.

Speaker 34 But don't worry, I'm not going to bore you with that now.

Speaker 3 Thank Christ. Quite.
That would be a

Speaker 31 grave task indeed.

Speaker 31 Perhaps I should skip ahead.

Speaker 33 Why not skip to the end of the whole thing?

Speaker 34 For me, there is one thing that should not be undervalued in our industry, and that is efficiency.

Speaker 3 You've got to get the body in the coffin in the ground on time.

Speaker 6 I wish he'd buried a speech with it.

Speaker 31 Because the hard truth of our work is that no one ever really wants to spend any time with us.

Speaker 34 We are solitary figures upon the communal landscape.

Speaker 5 And that is our duty to not intrude, to do things correctly without fuss.

Speaker 34 We symbolize a subject that many would prefer to ignore.

Speaker 3 I prefer to ignore you.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Rupert Funn. He's no fun.

Speaker 3 All right, my name is Roger. Do you hear me, Roger?

Speaker 5 Oh, like Kipling. Now, look here, could we just get back to...

Speaker 33 Ah, you're telling me he's Mr. Kipling.

Speaker 3 Oh, how exceedingly good!

Speaker 5 Yes, yes, ha ha, but seriously.

Speaker 3 I say, Kipling. Yes.

Speaker 33 Show us your buns.

Speaker 33 Shut it.

Speaker 10 Keep going, sir.

Speaker 14 Shotgay, I. I don't think I can.

Speaker 14 What?

Speaker 3 Why? Oh no. he's going to bottle it like funny friendly.

Speaker 3 Georgie,

Speaker 8 pass me that mandate.

Speaker 10 Are you sure about this?

Speaker 8 Yes, Georgie.

Speaker 3 Yes, I am.

Speaker 3 To

Speaker 3 be

Speaker 3 an undertaker

Speaker 3 sometimes

Speaker 28 it kind of makes you

Speaker 3 want to be the one that's dead.

Speaker 3 Boo

Speaker 3 It can be so very lonely when you feel that you're the only

Speaker 3 one who's stuck inside your head

Speaker 3 I'm surrounded by corpses But the truth here of course is

Speaker 3 I get the body of the coffin in the ground on time.

Speaker 3 Yes, the ground on time. We get the body in the coffin, in the ground

Speaker 3 on

Speaker 3 time,

Speaker 3 yeah, yeah,

Speaker 3 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 3 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Where are you going? Where do you want me to?

Speaker 35 We're getting off this bad island. Hey, that buffalo, my butt! Now listen up.

Speaker 3 This man may not be funny or very interesting, but he's put his heart and soul into this conference.

Speaker 10 So you're gonna sit there and listen to the song, and when it's finished, you're going to clap.

Speaker 33 You got that?

Speaker 10 I said you got that.

Speaker 33 That man has been, without doubt, the worst host in the history of stiff.

Speaker 28 Him and his creepy sister.

Speaker 30 Yeah, it's like they didn't even try.

Speaker 10 Didn't even try.

Speaker 10 Didn't even

Speaker 31 try.

Speaker 33 Why are you looking at us like that? It's scary. You were warm.

Speaker 7 They're going to love the Middle Ages.

Speaker 10 Let's do this.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 4 20 minutes later, the conference room was a smoldering battlefield, strewn with the bruised and groaning bodies of the stiffed.

Speaker 4 Ruddyard and Antigone perched miserably on the edge of the podium as Piffling's only physician, Dr. Edgware, surveyed the carnage before him.

Speaker 22 Change and decay in all around, I see, and all of it caused by rudyard fun.

Speaker 10 It's not his fault.

Speaker 5 He just sang a song and played some music.

Speaker 6 Yes, thank you.

Speaker 22 I'm a doctor. I know that 25 people don't break their own legs because somebody plays a mandolin.

Speaker 3 But it may be considered provocative.

Speaker 29 Georgie lost control, that's all.

Speaker 10 Nice to know she's entirely on the flat floor.

Speaker 22 Where is she now?

Speaker 3 Again, the Doyle seems to have her in check.

Speaker 27 Come along, Miss Cruiser.

Speaker 16 Two days in solitary ought to put you right.

Speaker 3 You won't hold me. Gio!

Speaker 14 Yes, I will.

Speaker 22 If you'll excuse me, I have a lot of patients who require my attention.

Speaker 22 But if you ever cross my path like this again, Radiard,

Speaker 22 I'll put you into intensive care myself.

Speaker 11 Well, that'll just give you more work to do.

Speaker 18 I'm done here.

Speaker 22 I'll remove them in a moment.

Speaker 11 I suppose we'd better retrieve George.

Speaker 11 Agreed.

Speaker 10 For what it's worth, Roger, I liked the speech. Did you?

Speaker 11 Didn't change anything, though, did it?

Speaker 11 Popularity eludes us still.

Speaker 7 Certainly eludes me.

Speaker 5 Still, at least there's one consolation.

Speaker 15 Chapman couldn't have escaped that riot without at least a broken nose.

Speaker 3 Oh, oh,

Speaker 3 oh,

Speaker 15 sometimes you feel better once you've actually been sick, don't you?

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 crikey.

Speaker 6 What did I miss?

Speaker 4 Flip-flop-flop was written by T.A. Woodsmith and edited by David K.
Barnes.

Speaker 4 It was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Hero Baxendale as Georgie, Sean Baker as The Mayor, Fiz Marcus as Audrey, Ben Norris as Miles, Timothy Block as Thomas, Alison Skilback as Agatha Doyle, David K.

Speaker 4 Barnes as Dr. Edgware, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with additional voices by Holly Campbell, Pip Gladwin, and Maxwell Tyler.
Original music composed by James Whittle.

Speaker 4 Special thanks go to Eugenia Lowe. The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios by Tom Guillieron and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 10 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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