Season 2 Episode 5: Flip Flap Flop

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Radiad Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Pifling Vale.

Used to run it by himself.

He doesn't anymore.

Fun funerals remains entirely unknown beyond the shores of Pifling.

But it's due to receive important guests and a chance to impress the world.

Wooden Overcoats, created by David K.

Barnes.

Season 2, Episode 5.

Flip-Flop-Flop by T.A.

Woodsmith.

Of course, Radiad had no idea what the day would bring when he was sat at the breakfast table on Monday morning, sifting through the post.

Your toast is toasted.

Why, for once, can't somebody send me a postcard or a coupon or a nice threatening chain letter?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Morning.

I toast, Roger.

Couldn't you have done something?

I know you're jolly important around here these days, but I'm not making breakfast for you.

Richard, when the toast pops up, there is a finite window of exactly 11 seconds in which the spreading of the butter, which should be kept at room temperature, will be tolerated by the toast break, suicides into crumbly annihilation.

Dear God, where are the knives?

Well, there's a sentence I never like to hear you say.

Richard, the toast has got to be hot, but it's not hot, it's lukewarm, because somebody put the butter in a fridge.

That was Madeline.

It's now going to be impossible to ensure that the toast is.

That the toast is.

The toast is.

Oh!

Why are things

You're beginning to seem a little unstable.

Hey, everyone.

Georgie, please tell me you're having a good morning.

Actually, it's been a weird one.

I overslept, stubbed my toe, and brushed my teeth with Vagicille.

Don't know what that is, but your teeth look very healthy.

Your morning's been even worse than mine.

I suppose you want the day off, so you can retreat to a darkened room with a gothic horror novel and a box of dates.

Nah, I'm alright.

Really?

Yeah.

Water off your duck's back.

Does nothing ever faze you?

How about uh people's eating noises, bad grammar, having to use public lavatories?

Nah, life's too short.

Hey, what happened to this toast?

I make him more, leave me alone.

Is she okay?

She hasn't been okay for 35 years.

Don't see why she ought to be now.

Hang on.

This looks interesting.

Shouldn't you be with the mayor this morning?

Yes.

I just came by to confirm my schedule, so we could just take a quick look.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This letter, do you know what it says?

No, I didn't write it.

After all this time, it's finally happened.

Had to Georgie, we're going to get stiffed.

Could you say that again, please?

We're going to get stiffed on Friday.

Stiff?

Actually, the more you say it, the more I don't like it.

Wait, you're not just being ludicrous.

You mean they're...

Yeah, it's the Society to Independent Funeral Film Directors.

You mean they're holding their conference on Piffley?

Yes, and we're hosting it.

Roger!

Would you look at my schedule, please?

Do you remember the stiffed sticker albums we had when we were children?

I still collect them on the side.

Look.

Shinies?

Okay, so these people are a big deal?

They're the biggest deal in the business.

Guess a nod from them and your practice will have international support.

Finally, some recognition.

Professional esteem.

Our noble industry, providing that wisp of continuity through the pain and the grief.

I mean, you can't beat it, can you?

We ought to be knighted.

Torso.

And you're the best thing, Roger.

Yes, we've proven once and for all that we're better than that asinine people blazer across the square.

Maybe shocking blue eyes be damned.

What?

Nothing, Shut up.

Don't you think it's strange that Arik Chapman wasn't asked to host the conference himself?

Don't be a traitor, Georgie, not today.

Seeing as everybody loves him and everything.

Georgie, he may have charisma in a bowling alley, but we get the body and the coffin in the ground on time.

So does he.

He copied us.

We need to roll out the red cupboard on this one, Roger.

As cheaply as we can, I agree.

We can do the reception here, but what about the actual conference?

The village hall.

We only need the mayor's permission to get stiffed in there.

Georgie, how about it?

Can you get me an appointment?

Sure, take along this morning.

Must be stressful running between two jobs.

Nah, dead easy.

Do you have to be quite so unflappable?

Yep.

No, for the love.

Antigone, stop seething and get planning.

I'll be back in an hour, and I expect to see some bunting plans.

Oh, right, all right.

Let a woman have her breakfast first, why don't you?

My toast!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Flip!

Would you like me to butter your toast for you?

Don't patronize me.

Fine.

I didn't say no.

It turned out that Georgie was great at buttering toast.

And afterwards, she took Rudyard to the Piffling Bakery for an audience with Mayor Desmond Desmond.

Good morning, Jerry.

Just the croissant, I think.

Like some jam with that, your worship?

Oh, no, I shouldn't.

Got the big weigh-in on Friday.

Oh, now that's a shame, because I've just put out a tray of my famous creamy eclairs.

Oh, Jerry, you devil!

How many points in one of those?

One and a half.

Oh, go on, then, quickly, before she sees me.

Mr.

Mayor,

put that eclair down.

It must have at least ten points in it.

Jerry said it was one and a half.

I don't care what Jerry said.

What kind of bakery are you running here, Jerry?

Uh, I'll just get your cross on your worship.

And no jam.

No jam, Miss Crusoe.

Sorry.

You helped me dodge a bullet there, Miss Crush.

We'll have words about this, my lad.

Right now, Ruddard's got something he wants to ask you.

Can't you fob him off?

I'd rather not see him.

Hello.

Oh, dear.

How embarrassing for both of us.

I'd like to book the village hall on Friday.

Why?

Because I'm going to get stiffed.

Are you sure you want an audience for that?

They're a society of funeral people, VIPs.

They're holding their annual conference in Piffling Vale.

Oh, well then.

we should get Eric to host it.

No we shouldn't?

Yes, we should.

He'd be very good.

They've made me the host.

Well, we could write to them, try and explain.

No, we can't.

Yes, I can.

I've got a secretary.

No, look here, I'm not going to sit back and watch Chapman get stiff when it should be me instead.

Hi, this place is busy this morning.

Chapman!

Eric!

We were just talking about watching you get stiffed.

I'm sorry.

Oh, stiffed?

Oh, what a great gang.

They're coming here on Friday.

We were wondering if you'd like to host a conference for them.

No, we won't.

Well, thank you, Des.

I'd love to.

But I can't.

What?

I hosted it a few years ago and you're only allowed to do it once.

Oh, bother.

We were so looking forward to it, weren't we?

Yes, because I'm the host this year, so that...

That's quite the honour, Bridget.

You'll be doing the speech as well, then.

What speech?

Every host has to give the keynote address at the beginning of the conference.

I'm happy to provide any help I can if you need it.

Thank you, but if there's quite literally one thing I know about, it's undertaking.

Still, public speaking's a difficult beast, isn't it?

That balance between content and banter.

I once had to give a TED talk about the Finnish education system.

I thought it'd make me a nervous wreck.

It didn't, though.

No, it was fine.

Real hoot.

I won't need any banter.

My speech will have substance.

A couple of jokes won't hurt, won't they?

Sometimes jokes cut deeper than steel.

Right, well, I look forward to it anyway.

We sit on for Patonk this morning, Des.

Just a minute.

Can I have the haul on Friday or not?

Can you image cruise?

The conference room's available, though the Tillywink Club need it from six.

Who cares about them, eh?

I do.

I'm the president.

Then thank you.

That'll be fine.

Don't worry, your worship.

I won't let Priffling down.

You're cross-old, Mr.

Mayor.

Oh, thank you, John.

Let me see that.

Jam in the middle.

I knew it.

I've been free.

Right, everybody, outside.

You're gonna play the most intense game of baton you've ever played.

Come on.

Don't forget your balls.

Radyard had escaped this grisly fate and was free to work on his opus, the greatest and most informative speech ever delivered to a union of undertakers.

But several days later, he seemed no closer to finishing it.

Fellow members of the industry, welcome to Piffling.

I can assure you that your being here is no Piffling concern.

Pause for laughter.

Ah, Georgie, I want you to tell me if this joke is merely funny or very funny.

After all, I've got to pace myself.

Sorry, I can't stop.

Aunt Tigani's got me baking for the reception.

She's really ordering me around today.

That must be stressful.

That's what she keeps telling me, but I'm not convinced.

Anyway, those sausage rolls won't make themselves.

Sausage rolls.

These people are sophisticated professionals.

They respond to integrity, not party food.

So are they snobs or are they just boring?

I'm happy to say they're both.

Trust me, all they need is a bottle of sherry between them.

You've got 25 people coming.

Well, so make sure it's a popular brand.

Off you go.

Georgie!

I'm talking to Rodjard.

Rudyard, referred to the schedule.

Georgie's mine for another three and a half minutes.

See you in a more, sir.

Come on.

In the doomsday survey of 1086, it states that Enaeus de Brandon held four carrackets of land named as Piffling Vale.

And as one carrakate equates to nearly 120 acres, that's no Piffling concern.

Pause for laughter.

Being this funny is hard work.

Ah, Georgie, do I have you now?

Sorry, I'm back with you tomorrow morning.

Gotta go to the mayor's office now.

What about the baking?

She changed her mind again.

I spent the morning mastering the art of French pastry and now she wants me to go and buy everything from Jerry instead.

That's incredibly frustrating for you.

No, I've learned a new skill.

See ya.

Unbelievable.

Not even a touch.

Did you know that piffling doesn't rhyme with anything?

It's like orange.

I made that girl bake 13 separate batches of different fiddly pastries whilst I told her all about my incredibly long-winded dream in Latin, and she stayed calm through the whole thing.

Not one feather ruffled.

I don't understand it.

Aside from trying to frustrate our staff, are you doing anything useful?

Everything's been organized with no help from me.

I'm writing the speech.

Speech, what speech?

The keynote speech at the conference.

You're doing a speech.

What about me?

You hate public speaking.

Yes, I know, but I like to be asked.

We're partners, I should contribute.

You have.

You've organized everything.

If you give a speech, you'll get the credit.

Look, I'll make sure to mention you in the closing paragraph, potentially even by name.

Roger, I have as much right to be the public face of this business as you do.

And make sure you're on top form at the reception tomorrow.

I expect it won't last more than a few minutes.

But when the eve of the conference arrived, the 25 delegates.

Oh,

what would you call it?

A misery of undertakers?

The funerati?

I don't know.

Anyway, they all descended upon fun funerals, and a single bottle of sherry began to look a little inadequate.

And Tigny Funn, joint proprietor of fun funerals.

Yes, we run it together.

Yes, you will have to get your head around that.

Hey, Rupert, isn't it?

Roger.

Yeah, Rupert, haven't got your gin tucked away, have you?

Me and the boys want a real drink, know what I mean?

Indeed, I do, Miles.

And may I suggest a quite whimsical little sherry we picked up.

Yeah, yeah, we're not 90.

Yeah.

We have a buffet.

I said we're not 90.

I don't quite see what you're getting.

Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it.

Neil!

Neil!

He says it's just the sherry!

Just the sherry!

The sherry!

Yeah, I told him that!

And I've always said, isn't the details?

Excuse me, sorry, love.

Have you got any napkins?

I beg your pardon.

Sorry.

Thomas Johnson, John Thomas and the sons.

Nice to meet you.

Now, have you got any napkins?

Yes, just over there.

Why?

Whoa, my dad's dribbling all over the place.

Look at him.

Over there.

All right, Dad.

Silly old sod.

He's one of the founding members.

He lives for this conference.

Don't ask me why.

I won't.

You wouldn't fancy slipping out for a pine somewhere.

Full disclosure, I am married, but we're on a break.

Why?

Well, she kicked me out.

I live in the Persia.

Yes, excuse me.

I told you already, we're out of cheese straws.

No cheese straws.

You cool this a funeral parlour.

Julie, we can't afford to upset these people.

He's worse than a toddler's birthday party, which I normally enjoy.

Come on, come on, Nicolaive.

You two need to replenish the napkins.

We're out of raspberries.

And oh, there's been a major spillage by the coffins.

There goes the sherry.

They entirely lost control.

It's like they've been reading about sport or something.

Well,

well.

Here's all the bloody dogs.

What?

Rough!

Rough!

There's a hell of this now.

Port of Warrington, society chairperson for 20 years running.

Greetings, Madam Chairperson.

That's me.

Who are you?

Roger Fun.

Welcome to Piffling Vale.

I say what an honour it is to host this event.

Roger.

Oh, this is my sister, I'm thinking of.

Joint proprietor of fun funerals.

Are you?

Personally, I've always found joint ownership a tricky concept, especially between siblings.

Really?

Never liked sharing.

Absolute nightmare.

I used to have four sisters.

I don't anymore.

Audrey.

You beast, Miles Faraday.

Give me a squeeze.

Oh, be a dear, and fetch me a glass of something scandalous.

There's nothing left, right, Rupert?

The bottle broke, but we do have a buffet.

Sausage roll?

Why is it green?

So it looks like grass, and the sausage is the corpse, like it's been buried in a grave.

Funny,

oh, this is one of those everyone's still a bit sober beginning of the night jokes.

We have coffin and walnut cake, if you prefer.

Now, listen up.

I've come 300 miles to this festering little island, and if I don't have something strong and alcoholic in my hand in the next ten seconds, I shall scream.

Is there no one capable of giving me what I need?

Evening all.

Well, that's what's bound to happen.

Eric!

Eric!

Oh my god, it's been so long!

Everyone!

Everyone!

Everyone!

Eric's here!

Yes!

Rupert, you didn't tell us Eric was here too.

Yes, he always is.

It's actually a bit boring.

Yeah, what a legend.

He gave the keynote address back at Stifto 8 and he blew the roof off.

You don't say.

Eric, you will help me, won't you?

I'm your damsel in distress, and you'll never say no to me.

Ah, yes, let's forget the past.

How can I help?

She'd like a drink.

We all would.

Well, I'm sure the funds have it all under control.

They haven't.

I mean, I have just opened up a new bar as part of the welcome lounge.

Did somebody say a bar?

I'm happy to carry over a few bottles to help out.

That would actually be quite helpful.

I'd rather you carried me to yours.

You wouldn't say no to a pitch invasion, would you, Eric?

Oh, well, our door's always open, but this is really meant to be about fun funerals.

Oh, I'm sure Rupert and Thingy wouldn't mind.

I would.

You all heard the man.

Let's get this show on the road.

Yes.

Right.

Um.

Well, you're all invited too, of uh, of course.

Um

enjoy him.

Yeah.

Anyone want a sausage roll?

Good.

Because they're horrible.

The fans had seen their welcoming reception spirited away in front of their eyes.

What else was there to do besides take a few breaths, change into slippers, and begin scrubbing the hummus out of the velvet?

I didn't even know we had hummus.

They smuggled it in under the hat.

They said they wanted us to be rubbish.

They didn't even give us a chance to mess it up.

You haven't yet?

Let them go and play with Eric for the night.

We'll impress them tomorrow.

You're not even slightly agitated about today.

Nope.

Is it salt or white wine to get blood out of a carpet?

Neither.

It's mustard.

Really?

Give it a go.

Oh, no, Georgie.

Look, you're just making it worse.

You must be feeling very flustered, mustn't you?

What gets out mustard?

Ketchup.

You sure?

Let's see what happens.

Oh dear.

God, I'm making a right royal mess of this carpet.

You must feel that no matter how hard you scrub it, it just keeps getting worse.

And you want to throw yourself into the lake.

Nah.

I've got a steam cleaner at home.

I'll bring it around in the morning.

Fix it, no problem.

Does nothing

ever flap you?

Nothing?

Nothing?

Nothing at all?

No.

But then I'm not running a family business.

You've got a lot of responsibility.

No wonder you're a bit of a mess.

What do you you mean?

How dare you a bit of a

no, you're absolutely right, I am sorry.

Look, you can't show off with buffets and cherry.

You need to show them your innovation, your craft.

My embalming fluid.

Bingo!

Give them the full range tomorrow.

They'd get any undertaker going there, would.

Yes, that could actually

work.

Thank you, Georgie, and um...

Sorry for trying to stress you out.

Is that what you've been doing?

No, I haven't.

That'd be ridiculous.

You know me.

Shawbole, which sounds better?

Piffling's cobbled streets conceal labyrinthine treasures, or labyrinthine treasures lay beneath these cobbled streets?

Or should I avoid the Suba-Ridge altogether?

Sir, go with what your heart tells you.

You're right, Georgie.

I'm going to use both.

Vajra, you've been writing that speech non-stop for days.

Surely you've got enough by now.

I'm still setting the scene.

How long is it so far?

Twenty pages.

Here's an index.

This speech will take hours to get through.

If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing as thoroughly as you possibly can.

Because God knows this is my only chance to talk about the history of our Makrame trade.

I'm ticking his right.

Why don't you let me edit the speech while you go over the square and have a drink?

But I'm in my pajamas.

It's nine o'clock.

Do you really think they're still awake?

One threw up outside a door three minutes ago.

Should I send for the doctor?

No, Rudyard.

Just go and get hammered.

Now, look here, Georgie, I shall have a glass of milk, and they can think themselves lucky.

Better get dressed.

Where's my jacket, gone?

We're scrubbing the floor with it.

No, don't tell him that.

A few minutes later, Radyard arrived in his shirt sleeves at Chapman's, took the lift to the fifth floor, and boarded the monorail to the wine bar.

As he lurked outside the door, he could hear the rowdy hubbub of drunken undertakers coming from within.

Here we go, Madeline.

Wish me luck.

This looks terrible.

Hey, Rupert.

Oh, hello, Miles.

Hey, everyone!

Rupert's here!

Hey, go, Rupert.

What are you drinking?

Oh, thank you.

I'll have a glass of milk.

Classic.

A couple of gin cocktails over here.

Oh, no, actually, I don't want a couple of gin cocktails.

I've been doing impressions of some of the dead men walking.

Dead men walking.

Yeah, yeah, speakers we've had in the past.

There was this one guy, lost his bottle right there on the podium, shook so hard his fillings fell out.

Hey, Audrey.

What is it, you little brute?

Do the funny guy, the funny guy is hilarious, Rupert.

Oh, Rupert, don't want to hear about funny, frankly.

You're probably nervous about tomorrow, aren't you?

Suppose just to enjoy the tomb.

I'm sure you've got nothing to boogo boogo boogo funny about.

That was at 91, I think.

Had to be carried away on a stretcher.

We never saw him again.

That's encouraging.

Where are those drinks?

Carry up, Miles.

Chaffendale, you legend.

Audrey, they're asking for our duets again.

Oh, Christ, Nichols.

I need you, Eric.

I'll be the bono to your share any day

If there's a glass of milk going on.

Guzza!

You came!

Yes!

I miss you!

You big there!

Steady on that tone!

Guzza.

What?

They don't think we like each other.

Oh, we do, don't we?

Deep down, it's just a joke.

You're a brilliant man, somehow.

I know you are.

Well, thank you, Chapman.

You are also a

man.

Oh, see?

What a joker.

I need to think.

Delightful.

I'm glad you can dig out your guitar, you darling.

I don't think my guitar is drinking today.

Come on.

When Chapman did his conference speech, what was it about?

Now there's a question.

Tom?

Eric's speech?

Eric Speech, oh, it lives on in my dreams.

The thing is, big secret is

there is no secret.

You know, keep it live, but still, like, totally emotional.

I didn't know Eric then.

But by the time he was finished, I felt like he touched a part of me no one had ever touched before.

A place I didn't even know needed touching.

It genuinely changed my life.

But what was it actually about?

The song.

Oh, the song was.

Oh,

It's the funny little thing about life.

It's so consumed by the troubles and strife.

Just make the change.

I've got it so inspiring.

You got a song, Rufus?

Some funny stories?

Impressions?

None of those, no.

So what are you going to do?

Local history.

You know,

it's against the rules, but if you wanted, and just because it's you,

I'd be happy to let Eric take over the speech for you.

I'm content with the speech, thank you.

Just so long as we're happy too, Rupert.

Because us undertakers are a tough crowd.

Everybody,

everyone,

thank you.

Now, I just wanted to say.

I just wanted to say,

I just wanted to say to

here,

I can't bloody remember.

Oh, getting a little bit hairy, isn't it?

We should probably turn in soon.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

No, you're right.

Big late tomorrow.

That's it, Miles.

Time for us all to head off to Bedfordshire.

There you are.

You go ahead.

We'll all just get our coats.

Oh, as you like, Thomas.

Good night, then.

Right.

Good.

Those muffled tones of friendship faded into the night, leaving Ruddyard alone once more.

The sun rose again on Piffling Vale, and for some it had been a sleepless night.

At the entrance to the conference room stood a spotlessly clean table festooned with silk, holding the wares of one Mu's antigone fun.

They'll be here any minute.

Relax, you can do this.

Oh, God, I've forgotten my name.

Stop.

Panicking.

Do you think they'll like me?

I mean, them.

They're nothing they'll like them.

Who doesn't like scented embalming fluids?

I've no idea.

The only person who's ever mentioned them to my face before is who?

Oh, nothing.

Sit there.

I just want to kill her.

Don't do that.

Let's try this.

Hey, you lot!

Rise and shine, get you free samples of Stiff Sniff right here.

Stiff Sniff?

Got to call you something.

Morley?

Oh.

Will we sit down?

You've got a few minutes.

Please stop shouting.

I'm not.

I said, please, sir.

Oh, God, what is that wrong?

This is my full range of scented embalming fluids.

Oh, pair of the dog.

Don't mind if I do.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm taking it.

Let them all drink.

Your

health!

Good lord, is Thomas still at it?

What's he drinking?

Embalming fluid.

Oh, come ahead.

What are these?

Just something I designed to make bodies smell nicer.

Some people, Eldorilla's probably nothing.

What's this one?

For maldeide and oranges.

It's called for marmalade for those early morning burials.

Who wants to go around smelling bodies all day?

Besides Thomas.

The first time was for a bet.

I just think it didn't move since.

Hey, how did you get on with Eric last night, Lord?

Let's just say the magic's gone.

That doesn't sound like you.

Oh, shut up, Miles.

You don't know what magic is.

I suppose we better all pour ourselves into the hole.

In, out, no fuss.

Sounds like Miles.

Hey.

Sample before you go?

Yes,

best of luck with the candles, girls.

Come on.

They're scented in bombing fluid.

Oh, what's the point?

Bloody snobs.

Still, wasn't a complete disaster.

You got that scab to drink scented formaldehyde.

Digging me.

Georgie.

Roger, where have you been?

You look dreadful.

I've been up all night working on a backup plan in case the speech doesn't grab them.

You could just collapse.

That's the other backup plan.

Everyone here?

All except Chapman.

He's in the bathroom.

Hello, everyone.

You alright, Eric?

I am feeling

a little worse for wear.

Hello, Chapman!

Oh, uh.

Sorry, you're not feeling well.

Oh, oh, I.

I.

Excuse me, sorry.

Enjoy your

day's already a favorite.

Everybody, hello.

If you could please just slump into your seats, we're about to begin.

Sounds like you cue, sir, knocking dead.

Hope you have more luck than I did.

Good morning, everyone.

To open STIFT 16, please give a warm hand for Mayor Desmond Desmond.

Thank you,

whoever you are.

Hello, one and all.

and I'm thrilled to welcome you all to the piffling conference of the

stiff people.

Stiff?

Say that again, and I'll take you outside.

It's called stiffed.

It's called Bloody Road.

That's what I call it.

I don't know who you people are, but this is...

My village, and we're very nearly a town.

No, you're not.

What?

You sit there and say to me,

you're not even wearing a tie.

I don't need to stay in and be insulted.

Thank you, Mr.

Mayor.

How many bloody undertakers do we need around here anyway?

I shall write to myself and complain.

Yes,

and

here to deliver the keynote address.

It's Rupert Fun of Funny Funerals.

Uh,

thank you.

And hello.

My name is

Rupert Funn, and I am the proprietor of one of the proprietors of Fun Funerals here in Piffling Vale.

And may I say, continuing a family tradition many centuries in the making is an honour I do not undertake lightly.

Well,

there has been a funeral home on our site since the 15th century.

How do we know this?

Lots and lots of paperwork.

But don't worry, I'm not going to bore you with that now.

Thank Christ.

Quite.

That would be a

grave task indeed.

Perhaps I should skip ahead.

Why not skip to the end of the whole thing?

For me, there is one thing that should not be undervalued in our industry, and that is efficiency.

You've got to get the body in the coffin in the ground on time.

I wish he'd buried a speech with it.

Because the hard truth of our work is that no one ever really wants to spend any time with us.

We are solitary figures upon the communal landscape.

And that is our duty to not intrude, to do things correctly without fuss.

We symbolize a subject that many would prefer to ignore.

I prefer to ignore you.

Yeah, Rupert Funn.

He's no fun.

All right, my name is Roger.

Do you hear me, Roger?

Oh, like Kipling.

Now, look here, could we just get back to...

Ah, you're telling me he's Mr.

Kipling.

Oh, how exceedingly good!

Yes, yes, ha ha, but seriously.

I say, Kipling.

Yes.

Show us your buns.

Shut it.

Keep going, sir.

Shotgay, I.

I don't think I can.

What?

Why?

Oh no.

he's going to bottle it like funny friendly.

Georgie,

pass me that mandate.

Are you sure about this?

Yes, Georgie.

Yes, I am.

To

be

an undertaker

sometimes

it kind of makes you

want to be the one that's dead.

Boo

It can be so very lonely when you feel that you're the only

one who's stuck inside your head

I'm surrounded by corpses But the truth here of course is

I get the body of the coffin in the ground on time.

Yes, the ground on time.

We get the body in the coffin, in the ground

on

time,

yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Where are you going?

Where do you want me to?

We're getting off this bad island.

Hey, that buffalo, my butt!

Now listen up.

This man may not be funny or very interesting, but he's put his heart and soul into this conference.

So you're gonna sit there and listen to the song, and when it's finished, you're going to clap.

You got that?

I said you got that.

That man has been, without doubt, the worst host in the history of stiff.

Him and his creepy sister.

Yeah, it's like they didn't even try.

Didn't even try.

Didn't even

try.

Why are you looking at us like that?

It's scary.

You were warm.

They're going to love the Middle Ages.

Let's do this.

Right.

20 minutes later, the conference room was a smoldering battlefield, strewn with the bruised and groaning bodies of the stiffed.

Ruddyard and Antigone perched miserably on the edge of the podium as Piffling's only physician, Dr.

Edgware, surveyed the carnage before him.

Change and decay in all around, I see, and all of it caused by rudyard fun.

It's not his fault.

He just sang a song and played some music.

Yes, thank you.

I'm a doctor.

I know that 25 people don't break their own legs because somebody plays a mandolin.

But it may be considered provocative.

Georgie lost control, that's all.

Nice to know she's entirely on the flat floor.

Where is she now?

Again, the Doyle seems to have her in check.

Come along, Miss Cruiser.

Two days in solitary ought to put you right.

You won't hold me.

Gio!

Yes, I will.

If you'll excuse me, I have a lot of patients who require my attention.

But if you ever cross my path like this again, Radiard,

I'll put you into intensive care myself.

Well, that'll just give you more work to do.

I'm done here.

I'll remove them in a moment.

I suppose we'd better retrieve George.

Agreed.

For what it's worth, Roger, I liked the speech.

Did you?

Didn't change anything, though, did it?

Popularity eludes us still.

Certainly eludes me.

Still, at least there's one consolation.

Chapman couldn't have escaped that riot without at least a broken nose.

Oh, oh,

oh,

sometimes you feel better once you've actually been sick, don't you?

Oh,

crikey.

What did I miss?

Flip-flop-flop was written by T.A.

Woodsmith and edited by David K.

Barnes.

It was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Hero Baxendale as Georgie, Sean Baker as The Mayor, Fiz Marcus as Audrey, Ben Norris as Miles, Timothy Block as Thomas, Alison Skilback as Agatha Doyle, David K.

Barnes as Dr.

Edgware, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with additional voices by Holly Campbell, Pip Gladwin, and Maxwell Tyler.

Original music composed by James Whittle.

Special thanks go to Eugenia Lowe.

The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios by Tom Guillieron and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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