Season 2 Episode 6: Rudyard Makes a Friend

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Radiard Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale.

He used to run it by himself.

He doesn't anymore.

Radiard knows he's an unpopular man and wastes no time in dwelling on it.

But we all of us have feelings, and we all of us need friends, especially and surprisingly, Radiard Fun.

Wood Know the Coats by David K.

Barnes.

Season 2, Episode 6.

Ruddyard Makes a Friend by Cordelia Lynn and David K.

Barnes.

It began with a public reception at Chapman's funeral home held in the newly constructed fourth wing.

A reception means a buffet.

And as an author never knows where her next meal is coming from, I was filling myself up like there was no tomorrow.

Look at them all, like ravenous dogs.

You think they'd never seen a buffet before?

What's free food?

Why are you complaining about?

Had he said we had a buffet it was themed.

I mean, look at all this.

Entirely haphazard.

No system at all.

Uh-huh.

No sister milk.

And over here, cream slices, cinnamon worms, chocolate at clairs.

It's just promoting self-indulgence.

What is that?

I must say, he's gone a bit overboard with the pastries.

What's he trying to do?

Put us all into an early grave.

Why didn't I think of that?

Hello there.

Oh, here he is.

Mr.

Popular rides again.

Welcome, Piffling, and thank you all so much for coming over this morning for some grub and a catch-up.

Fantastic, Moss.

Oh, thank you, Reverend.

I feel sick, but I'm not stopping.

Bathroom's just behind you.

People of Piffling, I have to say, ever since I arrived on this small but mighty island, I've been touched by the warm welcome I've received.

We love you, Eric.

Hey, stop it, you.

Chapman's has been more successful than I could have ever imagined.

I quite honestly couldn't have put the fun in funerals without you.

Thanks, Rudyard.

Well, this morning, folks, I figure it's time to really give something back, to do something special for this incredible village.

We're very nearly a town.

Indeed, we are, Desmond, and that's why today I'm opening the Chapman Community Members Club.

What?

The Chapman Community Members Club is a place to mourn, grieve, and commiserate in style.

Swap stories in the tastefully furnished club lounge, comfort eat in our Michelin star restaurant, pray and meditate in our very own multi-faith center.

Oh, good, there's a few I've been meaning to try.

These benefits and more become available when you book a funeral with us, past, present, and future.

Because here at Chapman's, we believe that a funeral isn't just for the day, it's for life.

Enjoy yourselves!

Amazing.

I can be excluded from another society.

Don't worry, weekends are gas days.

How do you know?

Uh,

shouldn't let you know.

Are you a member?

My nana booked with him last week.

I tried to argue with her, but we're an extremely difficult sell.

It's only a pre-booking.

She'll be healthy for years.

Plenty of time to win around, right?

Sure.

I'd uh

better check on there.

Boy, Mr.

Mayor, put down that cocktail stick where you'll hurt yourself.

Ow!

Madeline, how do I care?

Life, really.

I don't want to go all antigone only, but sometimes I wonder why we bother with the whole thing.

You try and get on with people, listen to their silly demands and requests, and please don't drop the coffin again like you're always doing.

Why does it get to you?

Exactly.

Man just waltzes in from nowhere and takes all your funerals away from you.

Yeah, and your bakery.

Don't be silly, Madeline.

I don't own a bakery.

Hang on, you can't talk.

How can you?

Over here, Rudyard.

What?

Jerry!

It's you.

I thought I was going mad.

Join the club.

Good lord, Cherry.

Um, you don't look well at all.

No, I've not been sleeping nightmares, you know.

I do know, and I'm sorry to hear that.

Why?

Will you see all this food?

Chapman opened up a new in-house petisserie a week ago.

He's gobbled up nearly all my customers.

He hasn't.

I don't even want my famous creamier clares anymore.

I'm coming here.

All these new members' club, he's got all the baked goods sewn up, too.

You poor man.

I haven't had a square meal for a week now.

Nor have I.

Antigone cut my rations so we could bail Georgie out of prison.

I'm only here for the canopies.

Can I ask?

What do you think of them?

The canopies, I mean.

Be honest.

Well,

one doesn't like to complain, but

I would say the puffs are a bit...

puffy.

Yes, that's what I thought.

I couldn't agree more.

The olive bread.

Well, it's got too many olives, hasn't it?

And, to be honest, too much bread.

It's complete write-off, whichever way you look at it.

Exactly!

The man doesn't know what he's doing, but they're all taken in.

There's no real quality there whatsoever.

It's just gimmicks, that's all it is.

Gimmicks, precisely.

I'm sure I've said that before.

To be ashamed of himself.

Oh, Eric Chapman, hey.

Eric Chapman.

Mussy, it's nice to talk to you like this.

Never had a chance before, have we?

No, why is it the same thing?

She's never really.

No, never really, exactly.

You wouldn't want to grab coffee, would you, Jerry?

You took the words right out of my mouth, friend.

Friend?

Yeah.

Why, what's up?

Nothing.

It's just quite a nice word for that.

Jerry and Ruddyard sloped away to the cafe on the second floor and bonded over their mutual dislike for the man who sold the cappuccinos they'd purchased throughout the day.

A firm friendship was developing, and plans were laid for the following morning.

Good morning, Harry.

Oh, morning, Tanya.

Oh, you blood.

Sure thing.

Oh, what a lovely sunny day.

He's in position.

Now, what?

Christ, I'm drenched!

All right, who was that?

Come out here where I can see you.

Hello, hello, hello, Mr.

Chapman.

I say, you're all wet.

Yes, thank you, Miss Doyle.

I enjoy a good water balloon as much as the next man, but.

Oh!

Oh, damn it!

Gosh, we may be open-minded here, but you can't walk around with wet, clingy, transparent clothing like that.

I don't want to.

It's just.

We all start doing it otherwise.

Why, I've half a mind to go and throw myself in the village fountain at once.

Please don't do that.

Actually, there is a sensitive matter I wanted to bring to your attention.

Well, you've come to the right person, Mr.

Chapman.

Lead the way.

Sino and Will.

No, thank you.

Just the facts, if you please.

Though, actually, that chocolate croissant looks very tempting.

Be my guest.

Anyway, I'd rather you kept this matter quiet, but I've been receiving some suspicious letters.

Threatening, one could say.

What?

Let's have a look-see.

Damn you, Eric Chapman, and everything you stand for.

Do you think it's some sort of code?

Not necessarily, no.

How about this one?

I'll get you soon, Chapman.

You know, I think you could have an admirer.

Really?

Yes.

They're just flirting with you, playing hard to get.

I've sent tons of letters like this myself.

Yes, well, it's possible, but.

It's also possible.

They just want to kill you.

Yes.

I doubt you very much to worry about.

You're far too popular.

But I'll keep my eyes peeled.

Oh, excuse me a moment.

Hello, Eric Chapman.

It's a lovely day for a funeral.

Hello.

I'm a client.

Grapes.

What can I do for you?

Pull my finger.

I don't think I can do that over the phone.

Yeah, because you suck.

I...

Oh, before I go, the last uranium miner on Piffling has died.

Yes, I've put in a bid for the funeral.

Well, the gunpowder stocks at the uranium mine have been raided.

There appears to be a barrel missing.

You don't think it could be connected to the letters, do you?

No, no, these letters weren't written in gunpowder, after all.

But if you do see anyone with gunpowder, I want you to pass on a message from me.

Yes?

Tell them Agatha Doyle says that they're very naughty indeed.

Toodaloo.

Very reassuring.

Oh, bugger it.

Miss Doyle, you forgot your croissant.

Right!

I'm drenched again!

Rudyard had made a friend for life.

No one, he felt, had ever really sympathised with his desperate need to one-up Eric Chapman.

Not even his sister Antigone, or...

me,

I suppose.

Anyway, Antigone currently had more pressing matters on her mind.

No, no, no, no.

The accounts don't add up.

Or rather, they do to a big fat nothing.

No profits at all.

Hopeless.

There's no point squeaking at me, Madeline.

I can't understand you.

Where's that useless brother of mine?

He likes having a natter with you, doesn't he?

You'd better be doing something useful, that's all I can say.

Antigone!

I hit Cabin with watermelon.

For God's sake!

Did you see his face?

Yeah, he was like, Joey, sir.

Oh no, I'm aware.

Let us see.

What else should we do to him?

He's got to be something he won't see coming.

Waterballoon.

Love it.

Let's go.

Better,

what are you doing and who is this?

There's Jerry.

You know, Cherry.

Cherry Antigone.

Onchante, Antigone.

May I say you're looking very pale this morning.

Well, thank you.

That's very complimentary, but why are you saying it and what's going on?

Well, there's no mystery.

We're just hanging out.

Let's rise hanging out with my new friend.

Friend?

Where'd you get a friend from?

We met there.

I don't believe you get out of my house.

You're not real.

I damn definitely real.

And Rudyard is my friend.

Don't say that.

It's weird.

I'm sorry, Derry.

I knew she'd be like this.

Whilst you spent all morning getting Chapman all sopping wet and sopping wet and sopping wet.

Is she okay?

What?

Nothing, shut up.

Christ!

I've been going through our accounts and we're entirely broke.

Tired than you?

Broker than usual, because my imbecile brother hasn't been securing clients for us.

He's been throwing water balloons at Piffling's favourite residence.

We've also frank cooled him and tied his shoelaces together and put a worm in his tooth.

Stop distracting my brother, whoever you are.

Typical!

I finally bring a friend home, and what do you do?

The last uranium miner has died.

I suppose you've been doing everything you can to secure that funeral.

How'd he die, that miner?

He choked on a stale Battenberg slice.

Not that it matters to us, because with Rudyard running around with you, he may as well still be alive.

Antigone, I think we both know that none of this is Rudyard's fault, and we know where the fault truly lies.

Where?

Chapman.

I can see why you two get on.

You know what, Rodyard?

Who needs Eric Chapman anyway?

How about we just go out for a pub lunch and then catch a film?

But he's not.

I think there's in the mouth shut today.

Herbert's expanding his donkey franchise.

Well, we can watch some of mine.

Have a movie night all day with popcorn and candy and ice cream straight from the tub, just like a couple of blood.

Sounds like exactly the kind of thing two friends like us ought to be doing, Jerry.

Antigone wouldn't understand.

Rajard, you need to get that minus funeral.

Come on, Jerry.

Let's get some vanilla ice cream.

Right behind you, mate.

Don't you dare walk out that door, Rogard.

I'm being assertive, Regard!

Damn him!

What's the matter with a man?

The whole thing's making my skin crawl.

And not in a way which is actually quite nice, in a bad way, and not in a bad way, which is actually quite thrilling, but what?

Shut up, Yes!

I don't like that, Jerry, one bit.

I've got to prepare a pitch for that minor's funeral.

And Georgie's still at the mayor's office.

Madeline, I need you to follow Rudyard and make sure he doesn't do anything appalling, then report back to me.

I've no idea how you'll do that.

Just find out all you can.

And Madeline,

good luck!

I had a personal investment in all this.

You see, for all Rudyard's faults, well, I do like him.

He and Jerry, realizing that the only place to procure a pub lunch was at the bar in Chapman's funeral home, settled for a couple of of cheese baps and then made their way to Gerry's bakery.

Come in, come in, make yourself at home.

Thank you.

I thought you'd done with the place,

especially the broken glass and

holes in the roof.

Yeah,

used to be a fine bakery this.

My father, Jerry, handed it down to me, just like his mother, Jerry, did for him, and his mother's father, Jerry, did for her.

But now, thanks to you, Noah, well,

you can see for yourself.

I mean,

I came here last week and it looked fine.

Yes, well.

Entropy increases the nearer to an oven you are.

And I've got two ovens.

So there you go.

Right.

Gosh.

It's frightening what that chapman can do, isn't it?

Mate, I can't believe I used to admire the guy.

And then suddenly it was like

a veil was lifted from my eyes.

Still, you don't think.

What?

But we're two reasonable, well-adjusted men.

We've got our wits about us.

Yeah, definitely.

It's just that everybody else seems to like Chapman.

Do you ever think that perhaps we're the problem?

Oh, no.

No, no.

That man is the spawn of the devil.

That would explain a lot.

As soon as he opened that patisserie without even asking me,

I lost my business, my livelihood, me.

My love.

Your Tanya.

Oh, yes.

Well, she never liked me much.

Come to think of it.

You never liked me much either.

We were made for each other, Miranda.

But when the bakery went under, I was a changed man.

Tanya said she couldn't take it anymore.

Said if I spent as much time getting my life back on track as I did complaining about Chapman.

When will they learn that complaining about Chapman is as necessary as breathing?

And then she

left me, Buddyard.

Left me for my back-stabbing friend,

Bill.

Bill?

Good lord.

He always seemed so.

I don't know, really.

We've hardly ever spoken.

But I don't blame Bill.

Oh no.

It's all Chapman's fault.

I hate him.

I hate him.

Oh, um.

Oh, there they're Jerry.

Um, you've always got a shoulder to cry on.

Always thought that was a metaphor.

How long does this go on for exactly?

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, mate.

It's just.

Yeah, it's all just a bit too much sometimes.

Well, cheer up.

Movie nights, all day.

That's right.

Yeah.

Oh, and speaking of which, there's a few more items we're going to need.

I don't know much about movie nights, Jerry, but it strikes me we've got the popcorn and the ice cream and the movies, so I.

It's just a few things really are.

I mean, they're not important, but...

Well, you know, I just thought us being friends.

No, no, certainly a few things.

Why not?

What are friends for?

We've not to go out and get a few things.

Tell you what.

I'll stay here and get the corn popping whilst you get everything on this list.

Oh, let's see.

Hundreds and thousands, steel piping, brass caps, glazed cherries, insecticide.

Yes, well, that all seems perfectly reasonable.

Brill!

And could you eat the list when you're done?

Eat it?

Yes.

Why?

Uh, we've got no recycling bins around these parts.

Oh, right.

I should eat the receipts too, then.

No, keep them.

If you have a movie night in a bakery, it's tax-deductible.

Oh, and uh, don't talk to anyone.

Well, no worries there.

I hate talking to people.

Right, see you in a tick.

Um, uh,

meat.

Yeah, nice one.

A very nice one indeed.

I reported back to fun funerals, and a few minutes of highly impressive miming on my part persuaded Antigone and Georgie to follow me to the broken-tooth sweet shop, where I fancied Rudyard would be making some purchases.

You'd better be on to something, Madeline.

I should be pitching for that miner's funeral right about now.

I can see Rudyard through the window.

He's buying

glazed cherries and

hundreds and thousands.

Oh, he's just helping Jerry with a bakery.

There's one thing Ruddyard excels at, it's failing businesses.

Madeline, you're wasting our time.

Hello down there.

Chapman!

Is there any reason you're hovering outside the sweet shop with a periscope, or should I not ask too many?

Georgie, disable!

Sorry?

Ah!

Oh!

Oh!

Hello, Georgie!

Right, Eric.

You're brushing.

It's the heat.

What's he doing in there, Georgie?

He's eating a piece of paper.

You didn't cut his rations again, did you?

I'm fine, by the way.

Windpipe crushed into the ground, arms twisted behind my back.

That's really not a problem.

Oh, what do you want, Chapman?

To breathe again, preferably.

Not an option.

Okay, then.

I've been at the receiving end of practical jokes and threatening litters.

You wouldn't happen to know anything about that.

Of course not.

Jemmy Silly, stop talking.

We've got chloroform if we need it.

Just say it.

Look, I don't want to blow my own horn, but the list of people who thoroughly despise me on this island is pretty limited, so I just thought.

Well, you can stop thinking it, because if you go on thinking it, you're going to make things terrifically awkward.

And some gunpowder got taken from the mine last night.

What were you doing at the mine?

Because I...

Georgie, do you have to keep pressing your knee into my cocksticks?

Yes.

Yes.

Because I'm doing the uranium miners' funeral.

I'm surprised you didn't pitch for it yourselves, actually.

Damn, damn, damn!

Madeline, look what you've done.

I should have been securing that funeral, not lying around in the gutter with Eric Chapman.

Lying around in the gutter.

No, it's not it.

Georgie, where's Roger?

What's he up to?

I'm standing right here and looking at you.

Whoops!

Hello, Roger!

I'll say hello, Roger, but as you can see, my face is being mashed into the pavement right now.

Alright, Georgie, better release him.

Fine.

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

I wanted an excuse to buy a new suit anyway.

Well, now, out for a little stroll, are we, Antigone?

Georgie?

Madeline.

I'm great at going out for little strolls.

Guys, you've been following me.

You can't accept the idea that someone would like me for who I really am, can you?

Now that you mention it, no.

Just because you can't stand me having something that you haven't.

Even in the womb, it was uh Redyard, I don't like my umbilical cord.

Give me yours.

And uh, Rudyard, stop being born, I'll be lonely.

I said those things to you in confidence.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going across the road to buy some brass caps, steel piping, and insecticides.

Well, that all sounds perfectly reasonable.

That's for you, Madeline.

You've shown your true colours.

To think you were once my friend.

Goodbye, everybody.

If you need me, I'll be at Jerry's.

Bye, Jad.

Come back.

I say, there's an awful racket going on out here.

Just a little bit of local drama, Miss Doyle.

Ah, Mr.

Chapman, about this morning, I'm beginning to wonder if those threatening letters might not have been a little, well, threatening.

Yep.

So I think you should go under police protection.

I'll show you a quick draw with a handful of boiled sweets, but I'm...

No, no, no, no, no, no, it won't be me.

What you need is a stout, burly young man.

Then again, don't be all.

What a funeral in a few hours' time at the old uranium mine.

Will someone be covering me?

Yes.

In fact, Jerry volunteered.

Jerry?

Oh, Jerry!

What a kind man.

I'll feel much safer with him around.

Thanks, Miss Doyle.

I'll be on my way.

Have a good funeral?

Good day, all.

As for you, lot, well.

Enjoy yourselves.

Oh, damn it all.

Why is everything so complicated?

Dry your eyes, Madeline.

We need firm, practical action.

Why would Jerry want to protect Eric Chapman?

And why is Roodyard buying brass caps and steel piping and all those other things?

They sound like the ingredients for something very nasty indeed.

And I think I know who could tell us what it is.

What are we doing at the bus stop?

Where are they?

How can they not be here?

Who?

I all want a sort of comfort and advice in my hour of need.

And now they're gone, so that my world is shrinking back into the darkness from whence it came.

Oh, yes.

Been arrested in it.

Source for the inconvenience, lots of love for the local village hudlums.

Piers, rise up against the capitalist oppressors.

So that means...

They're in prison.

I've got to get over there.

First.

I joined the two of them on their determined dash to the Piffling prison.

But Rudyard had gone back to his new best friend.

Rudyard, great to see you.

Oh, thank you.

I got everything you asked for.

I may have made the start of the Glazed Cherries.

I hope you don't mind.

That is not a problem.

Well, you'll never guess who I bumped into just now.

Everyone I work with.

That's who.

Following me.

Really?

Do you know?

They actually don't think I can look after myself.

They don't trust me at all.

Who needs them, eh?

Exactly.

Who needs them?

I don't.

Not when we've got an all-day movie night ahead of us, eh, Jerry?

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, I thought we might do something else first.

Oh, right?

Okay, like what?

Before we relax with a good film.

Let's feel Freaky Friday.

Oh, yes, that does sound good.

Carry on.

Before we do that, I think we should feel like we've earned it.

And the best way to do that, I reckon, is to put Eric Chapman out of business.

Permanently.

That's a wonderful idea, Jerry.

But how would...

Step this way, my friend.

But that's just an industrial oven, isn't it?

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Come on in, Rodyard.

Oh, it's some sort of study.

Or um

den or a

secret underground bakery lair.

Yes, that's the term I was fumbling for.

Ah, is that a hospital bed?

With restraint straps.

It is indeed.

Nice collection of rolling pins there.

And sharpened bread knives.

And

is that a meat hook hanging from the ceiling?

Hmm.

Got a butcher on the side of you, Jerry.

Of a certain kind, Rodyard.

Chloroform?

Hydrochloric acid?

Good lot of vanilla essence.

Have to admit, Jerry, this secret lair is making me feel a bit quicker.

You'll get used to it.

We've got a lot of work to do over the next hour or so.

You pass me that barrel of gunpowder.

Gunpowder, eh?

What are we doing with gunpowder, Jerry?

We're going to make a bomb.

Of all the ingredients you picked up for me.

A bomb?

Oh, like the cake.

Not like the cake.

An explosive.

And we're going to use it at the uranium mine during the funeral.

Why would we want to do that to kill Eric Chapman?

Good one, Jerry.

I said.

Good one, Jerry.

I said.

Oh?

Souflag finally dropped, is it?

No, no, no, look here, Jerry.

Water balloons, funny phone calls, that's one thing.

But murder, that's pushing the boat out a bit too far for me.

Yeah, that's a pity.

I've dreamt about finishing him off once and for all, but we can't actually do it, Jerry.

As your friend, it's my duty to stop you.

Go to the police, maybe?

Well, you can try, friend.

But don't forget, you're as implicated in this as I am.

I'm not.

That's not what these receipts say, Rudyard.

And who's going to believe it wasn't all your idea when I tell them how you forced me in on your evil plot?

But

Jerry, you're meant to be my friend.

I am, Rudyard.

You'd never have done this without me.

We're going to be rid of Eric Chapman, and then we'll both be happy

forever

and ever

and ever

and

ever.

Jump on!

But in a secret underground bakery lair, nobody can hear you scream.

Least of all Antigone and Georgie as they burst dramatically into the piffling prison.

Keep your eyes peeled for three disaffected youths.

Wait, can you hear something?

I'm just saying that it's still a relevant foundation for uniting the workers of the world.

Yeah, but how can you do that if Martin Scrooge race must account for systematic oppression?

That's them them over there.

What do you say we need to move on from off?

He's outdating, isn't it?

How can we move on when we've never even successfully implemented his social-political structures?

Yeah, but now you're just racist.

What?

Hoodlums.

We meet again.

Oh, I'm Miss Antigone.

My assistant, Georgie.

Yo.

Hi, Georgie.

Yeah, you're right.

No time.

We tried to find you at the local village bus stop.

Yeah, well, we're in prison, aren't we?

Started a revolution, didn't we?

Workers of the world unite, word.

Yeah, do you have a revolutionary song?

I said, no time.

Who imprisoned you?

Mayor Desmond Desmond, wasn't it?

For starting an art revolution.

Nah, art is dead.

Haven't you heard?

It's all about revolutionary socialism now, innit?

The foundations of the capitalist tyranny are crumbling.

The workers will rise from the ashes and inherit what is rightfully theirs.

Big word.

I can't believe the mayor would lock you up for that.

I'll have a word with him.

We'll sort this out.

Don't do that.

He didn't actually imprison us.

He's quite a sensitive soul, really.

We just thought it would give our movement more weight.

Can't have a revolutionary movement without revolutionary prisoners, can you?

So we asked him to imprison us.

He was quite upset about it, actually, but he'll do us a favour.

That's been such good hoodlums for him all these years.

So, here we are.

Ta-da!

As fascinating as this is, we need your help.

Something serious is happening in Piffling Vale today, and I'm sorry to say it's not your revolution.

Alright, no need to get personal.

I believe that ludicrous brother of mine has fallen in with the wrong sort of friend.

He's been out perched in glazed cherries, hundreds of thousands.

What else?

Cross cap, steel piping, and insecticide.

That's it.

Easy.

He's making a cherry bomb, innit?

A cherry bomb?

Standard.

Old school.

Choice tool of a revolution.

Easy to make.

Easy to detonate.

Boom!

Big damage.

Word.

No, Georgie, not word.

It isn't word at all.

And when it goes off, those glazed cherries in hundreds and thousands will be killer as.

Know what I mean?

Classic.

You don't need to worry, though.

Without gunpowder, that bomb's not detonate you anywhere, anytime.

But Eric said gunpowder's missing from the mine.

And the last miner died of a Battenberg slice.

Jerry must have been discovered by the miner and killed him.

And now he's gonna kill Eric Chapman, too.

Thank you, Hoodlums.

You'll always find a vocal supporter of the workers in me.

Well, if you could go door to door, do some campaigning on our behalf, that would be really good.

Nah, I'll tweet about it sometime.

Come on, we've got to warn Eric.

He'll be doing the funeral by now.

At the uranium mine.

Goodbye, Hoodlums.

Thank you.

See you around, Miss Antigone.

And don't forget, the Workers United will never be defeated.

Unless the workers assume white privilege, in which case they're as bad as the capitalist overlords.

Ooh,

disgust.

It was a race against time.

I was ever so pleased.

Not only could I see my book royalties increasing by the second, but I knew that no insane pastry maker could come between Radyard and his favorite mouse.

If only we could reach the mine before disaster struck.

No, okay, Radyard, you've got to keep calm.

This is still time to prevent this.

Unless, of course, there isn't, and you blow up half the island.

Still, what's this island ever done for you, eh?

Why do you have their own dead?

Don't pay for their funerals.

Good afternoon, Rudyard.

No!

You okay?

You look a bit peaky.

Actually, I've been meaning to speak to you.

Somebody's been chucking water balloons at me, and I wondered if you...

Now isn't the time for discussing water balloons.

Why?

Why are you looking around like that?

Chapman,

you've got to get out of here.

What for?

Don't ask questions.

I hate questions.

Just leave.

Now, but.

Oh.

I see.

I see what this is all about.

Oh, uh, look, I didn't actually say say anything or actually.

You want to take over the funeral.

Oh, in the name of...

That would have been a great idea.

I'd never have imagined you'd stoop so low.

I was confused when you didn't even make an effort to secure this one, but to expect me to do all the groundwork and then just hand it over.

I'm surprised at you, Rudyard.

That's not what I'm talking about.

What are we talking about?

Oh, there you are, Jerry.

How's it all looking?

I've smoked out the perimeter and you're safe as airses.

I had a thought.

If someone wanted to get at me, they'd smuggle themselves into the funeral, wouldn't they?

Oh, don't worry, Eric.

I'll be close to you at all times no one can lay a finger on you without me getting there first thanks jerry that's a relief i better tell the reverend to get started enjoy yourself rudyard

now um jerry i've been thinking looks to me like you were talking rudyard weren't planning on tipping our target the wink were you i have no idea what that means but i don't think it's too late to turn back you know it was too late from the moment eric chapman arrived on piffin now you'd better withdraw to a safe distance friend it'll all be over soon.

We are gathered here today in the sublime but unenvironmentally sound surroundings of our uranium mine to celebrate the life of Tagenyev Otu.

He was a one-man mine, refusing to be cowed by threats to his personal safety, or indeed other peoples.

A hero to us all.

Unless you're against nuclear energy, in which case he was a vile, planet-destroying, war-enabling parasite.

I'm quite happy to get a debate going right here, if you want.

Every tangent takes us toward disaster.

Oh, thank God.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Look, we've got to go on one chapman.

His life's in terrible danger, and it's all my fault.

We know.

We're on it.

What do you?

Don't worry, we've got a plan.

So long as Jerry doesn't see us, then we can...

Faye, where did you speak from?

Oh, he's just not playing the game, is he?

Right, plan B.

Everyone, you've got to listen to us.

Oh, nuclear protesters, how exciting!

They're not protesters.

What are you not doing now?

He's saving your life.

Escape while you can.

Jerry, you can't trust him.

Yes, I can.

Look at that thing.

I'm sorry, Chapman.

Chapman, they're right.

It's your funeral.

Jerry!

Get back!

He's got a cherry bomb!

Are you sure that's a bomb?

It's more like a cake with some steel piping sticking out.

No, no, that's definitely a bomb.

What do you know about it?

A little bit of a.

I may have twisted his arm a bit, but the idea was all mine, Chapman.

I just wanted to look you in the eye and tell you he's put the fun in funerals for the very last time.

Oh, blimey!

Jerry!

Jerry, don't do it!

Who's that?

Come away, Tanya.

He's dangerous.

That's right.

Go back to backstabbing Bill.

We're sorry, Jerry.

We've never meant to hurt you.

How's that portrait of Eva Braun looking in your hallway, Bill?

Hey?

How is it looking?

He's in the bedroom.

Now put the bomb down, man.

This is the only way I'll get respect around here.

Now shut up, all of you.

I've got a fuse to lie, Derry.

I can't allow this.

If you're going to kill Chapman, you'll have to take me with him.

What?

Rudyard.

What's a point of principal?

Nothing personal.

Affair Jews.

Where did you want to call a spade a spade, Rudyard?

You won't get away with this, Jerry.

You'll have to take us all on, won't it?

That's right.

Enjoy yourself!

Jerry, you're not getting jailed!

I've never abandoned a funeral before, and I'm not doing it now.

Let go my arms!

I can defuse that bomb!

Don't let me drag you by your bones and don't he's not!

I tell you, I can defuse it!

I've done it before!

A long time ago!

Jeff and Jeff and come back to me!

You might

be right now.

Someone's not going to be able to do it.

It had to be said that Eric Chapman certainly knew how to throw a funeral.

Ruddiard Makes a Friend was written by Cordelia Lynn and David K.

Barnes and performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Maxwell Tyler as Gerry, Alison Skilbeck as Agatha Doyle, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Sean Baker as The Mayor, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with Jason Forbes, Ella Garland and Luke Wilson as the hoodlums and additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Gladwin.

Original music composed by James Whittle.

The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios by Tom Guillieron and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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