Season 2 Episode 6: Rudyard Makes a Friend

Speaker 1 You're a guy who just wants to look nice. The kind of nice where you might get a nice compliment on the niceness of your nice new outfit.

Speaker 1 Good thing Min's Warehouse has everything from polos to jeans and yes, suits, plus a team to help you find the perfect fit to make sure you look nice. Nice.
Love the way you look. Min's warehouse.

Speaker 2 Packages by Expedia.

Speaker 2 You were made to occasionally take the hard route to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 2 We were made to easily bundle your trip. Expedia.
Made to travel.

Speaker 2 Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

Speaker 4 Radiard Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. He used to run it by himself.
He doesn't anymore. Radiard knows he's an unpopular man and wastes no time in dwelling on it.

Speaker 4 But we all of us have feelings, and we all of us need friends, especially and surprisingly, Radiard Fun.

Speaker 7 Wood Know the Coats by David K. Barnes.
Season 2, Episode 6.

Speaker 7 Ruddyard Makes a Friend by Cordelia Lynn and David K. Barnes.

Speaker 4 It began with a public reception at Chapman's funeral home held in the newly constructed fourth wing.

Speaker 4 A reception means a buffet. And as an author never knows where her next meal is coming from, I was filling myself up like there was no tomorrow.

Speaker 11 Look at them all, like ravenous dogs.

Speaker 12 You think they'd never seen a buffet before?

Speaker 13 What's free food?

Speaker 14 Why are you complaining about?

Speaker 12 Had he said we had a buffet it was themed.

Speaker 6 I mean, look at all this. Entirely haphazard.

Speaker 15 No system at all.

Speaker 6 Uh-huh.

Speaker 7 No sister milk.

Speaker 17 And over here, cream slices, cinnamon worms, chocolate at clairs.

Speaker 12 It's just promoting self-indulgence.

Speaker 18 What is that?

Speaker 19 I must say, he's gone a bit overboard with the pastries. What's he trying to do?

Speaker 12 Put us all into an early grave.

Speaker 21 Why didn't I think of that?

Speaker 6 Hello there. Oh, here he is.

Speaker 12 Mr. Popular rides again.

Speaker 22 Welcome, Piffling, and thank you all so much for coming over this morning for some grub and a catch-up.

Speaker 23 Fantastic, Moss.

Speaker 24 Oh, thank you, Reverend.

Speaker 23 I feel sick, but I'm not stopping.

Speaker 11 Bathroom's just behind you. People of Piffling, I have to say, ever since I arrived on this small but mighty island, I've been touched by the warm welcome I've received.

Speaker 10 We love you, Eric.

Speaker 24 Hey, stop it, you.

Speaker 11 Chapman's has been more successful than I could have ever imagined. I quite honestly couldn't have put the fun in funerals without you.

Speaker 11 Thanks, Rudyard. Well, this morning, folks, I figure it's time to really give something back, to do something special for this incredible village.

Speaker 24 We're very nearly a town.

Speaker 11 Indeed, we are, Desmond, and that's why today I'm opening the Chapman Community Members Club.

Speaker 11 What? The Chapman Community Members Club is a place to mourn, grieve, and commiserate in style.

Speaker 11 Swap stories in the tastefully furnished club lounge, comfort eat in our Michelin star restaurant, pray and meditate in our very own multi-faith center.

Speaker 25 Oh, good, there's a few I've been meaning to try.

Speaker 11 These benefits and more become available when you book a funeral with us, past, present, and future. Because here at Chapman's, we believe that a funeral isn't just for the day, it's for life.

Speaker 11 Enjoy yourselves!

Speaker 12 Amazing. I can be excluded from another society.

Speaker 10 Don't worry, weekends are gas days.

Speaker 8 How do you know? Uh,

Speaker 26 shouldn't let you know. Are you a member?

Speaker 10 My nana booked with him last week. I tried to argue with her, but we're an extremely difficult sell.

Speaker 10 It's only a pre-booking. She'll be healthy for years.
Plenty of time to win around, right? Sure.

Speaker 10 I'd uh

Speaker 10 better check on there.

Speaker 10 Boy, Mr. Mayor, put down that cocktail stick where you'll hurt yourself.

Speaker 20 Ow!

Speaker 27 Madeline, how do I care?

Speaker 20 Life, really.

Speaker 6 I don't want to go all antigone only, but sometimes I wonder why we bother with the whole thing.

Speaker 12 You try and get on with people, listen to their silly demands and requests, and please don't drop the coffin again like you're always doing.

Speaker 14 Why does it get to you?

Speaker 3 Exactly.

Speaker 12 Man just waltzes in from nowhere and takes all your funerals away from you.

Speaker 28 Yeah, and your bakery.

Speaker 12 Don't be silly, Madeline.

Speaker 29 I don't own a bakery.

Speaker 20 Hang on, you can't talk.

Speaker 27 How can you?

Speaker 30 Over here, Rudyard. What?

Speaker 19 Jerry!

Speaker 31 It's you.

Speaker 28 I thought I was going mad. Join the club.

Speaker 19 Good lord, Cherry.

Speaker 24 Um, you don't look well at all.

Speaker 28 No, I've not been sleeping nightmares, you know.

Speaker 12 I do know, and I'm sorry to hear that.

Speaker 32 Why? Will you see all this food?

Speaker 28 Chapman opened up a new in-house petisserie a week ago. He's gobbled up nearly all my customers.

Speaker 12 He hasn't.

Speaker 15 I don't even want my famous creamier clares anymore.

Speaker 14 I'm coming here.

Speaker 28 All these new members' club, he's got all the baked goods sewn up, too.

Speaker 24 You poor man.

Speaker 30 I haven't had a square meal for a week now.

Speaker 20 Nor have I.

Speaker 12 Antigone cut my rations so we could bail Georgie out of prison. I'm only here for the canopies.

Speaker 20 Can I ask?

Speaker 32 What do you think of them?

Speaker 28 The canopies, I mean.

Speaker 13 Be honest.

Speaker 35 Well,

Speaker 29 one doesn't like to complain, but

Speaker 13 I would say the puffs are a bit...

Speaker 34 puffy. Yes, that's what I thought.

Speaker 13 I couldn't agree more.

Speaker 14 The olive bread.

Speaker 13 Well, it's got too many olives, hasn't it?

Speaker 12 And, to be honest, too much bread. It's complete write-off, whichever way you look at it.

Speaker 14 Exactly! The man doesn't know what he's doing, but they're all taken in.

Speaker 24 There's no real quality there whatsoever.

Speaker 28 It's just gimmicks, that's all it is.

Speaker 32 Gimmicks, precisely.

Speaker 12 I'm sure I've said that before.

Speaker 29 To be ashamed of himself.

Speaker 35 Oh, Eric Chapman, hey.

Speaker 3 Eric Chapman.

Speaker 35 Mussy, it's nice to talk to you like this.

Speaker 12 Never had a chance before, have we?

Speaker 36 No, why is it the same thing? She's never really.

Speaker 35 No, never really, exactly.

Speaker 12 You wouldn't want to grab coffee, would you, Jerry?

Speaker 27 You took the words right out of my mouth, friend. Friend?

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Why, what's up?

Speaker 6 Nothing.

Speaker 12 It's just quite a nice word for that.

Speaker 4 Jerry and Ruddyard sloped away to the cafe on the second floor and bonded over their mutual dislike for the man who sold the cappuccinos they'd purchased throughout the day.

Speaker 4 A firm friendship was developing, and plans were laid for the following morning.

Speaker 4 Good morning, Harry.

Speaker 12 Oh, morning, Tanya. Oh, you blood.

Speaker 18 Sure thing.

Speaker 32 Oh, what a lovely sunny day.

Speaker 14 He's in position. Now, what?

Speaker 16 Christ, I'm drenched!

Speaker 12 All right, who was that?

Speaker 24 Come out here where I can see you.

Speaker 9 Hello, hello, hello, Mr. Chapman.

Speaker 24 I say, you're all wet. Yes, thank you, Miss Doyle.
I enjoy a good water balloon as much as the next man, but.

Speaker 37 Oh! Oh, damn it!

Speaker 9 Gosh, we may be open-minded here, but you can't walk around with wet, clingy, transparent clothing like that.

Speaker 24 I don't want to. It's just.

Speaker 14 We all start doing it otherwise.

Speaker 9 Why, I've half a mind to go and throw myself in the village fountain at once.

Speaker 24 Please don't do that. Actually, there is a sensitive matter I wanted to bring to your attention.

Speaker 9 Well, you've come to the right person, Mr. Chapman.
Lead the way.

Speaker 14 Sino and Will.

Speaker 10 No, thank you. Just the facts, if you please.

Speaker 9 Though, actually, that chocolate croissant looks very tempting.

Speaker 24 Be my guest. Anyway, I'd rather you kept this matter quiet, but I've been receiving some suspicious letters.

Speaker 9 Threatening, one could say.

Speaker 20 What?

Speaker 9 Let's have a look-see.

Speaker 9 Damn you, Eric Chapman, and everything you stand for.

Speaker 9 Do you think it's some sort of code?

Speaker 24 Not necessarily, no.

Speaker 12 How about this one?

Speaker 9 I'll get you soon, Chapman. You know, I think you could have an admirer.

Speaker 13 Really? Yes.

Speaker 9 They're just flirting with you, playing hard to get. I've sent tons of letters like this myself.

Speaker 24 Yes, well, it's possible, but.

Speaker 13 It's also possible.

Speaker 9 They just want to kill you.

Speaker 20 Yes.

Speaker 16 I doubt you very much to worry about.

Speaker 9 You're far too popular. But I'll keep my eyes peeled.

Speaker 24 Oh, excuse me a moment. Hello, Eric Chapman.

Speaker 22 It's a lovely day for a funeral.

Speaker 22 Hello. I'm a client.

Speaker 24 Grapes. What can I do for you?

Speaker 24 Pull my finger. I don't think I can do that over the phone.

Speaker 24 Yeah, because you suck.

Speaker 23 I...

Speaker 9 Oh, before I go, the last uranium miner on Piffling has died.

Speaker 24 Yes, I've put in a bid for the funeral.

Speaker 9 Well, the gunpowder stocks at the uranium mine have been raided. There appears to be a barrel missing.

Speaker 24 You don't think it could be connected to the letters, do you?

Speaker 9 No, no, these letters weren't written in gunpowder, after all. But if you do see anyone with gunpowder, I want you to pass on a message from me.

Speaker 12 Yes?

Speaker 9 Tell them Agatha Doyle says that they're very naughty indeed.

Speaker 14 Toodaloo.

Speaker 24 Very reassuring.

Speaker 20 Oh, bugger it.

Speaker 25 Miss Doyle, you forgot your croissant.

Speaker 23 Right! I'm drenched again!

Speaker 4 Rudyard had made a friend for life.

Speaker 4 No one, he felt, had ever really sympathised with his desperate need to one-up Eric Chapman. Not even his sister Antigone, or...

Speaker 14 me,

Speaker 5 I suppose.

Speaker 4 Anyway, Antigone currently had more pressing matters on her mind.

Speaker 6 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 10 The accounts don't add up. Or rather, they do to a big fat nothing.
No profits at all. Hopeless.

Speaker 10 There's no point squeaking at me, Madeline. I can't understand you.

Speaker 10 Where's that useless brother of mine? He likes having a natter with you, doesn't he?

Speaker 10 You'd better be doing something useful, that's all I can say.

Speaker 14 Antigone!

Speaker 12 I hit Cabin with watermelon.

Speaker 14 For God's sake!

Speaker 13 Did you see his face?

Speaker 12 Yeah, he was like, Joey, sir. Oh no, I'm aware.

Speaker 14 Let us see.

Speaker 12 What else should we do to him?

Speaker 32 He's got to be something he won't see coming.

Speaker 25 Waterballoon. Love it.
Let's go. Better,

Speaker 10 what are you doing and who is this?

Speaker 31 There's Jerry. You know, Cherry.

Speaker 35 Cherry Antigone.

Speaker 28 Onchante, Antigone.

Speaker 33 May I say you're looking very pale this morning.

Speaker 10 Well, thank you. That's very complimentary, but why are you saying it and what's going on?

Speaker 28 Well, there's no mystery. We're just hanging out.

Speaker 38 Let's rise hanging out with my new friend.

Speaker 26 Friend?

Speaker 10 Where'd you get a friend from? We met there. I don't believe you get out of my house.
You're not real.

Speaker 15 I damn definitely real.

Speaker 28 And Rudyard is my friend.

Speaker 10 Don't say that. It's weird.

Speaker 12 I'm sorry, Derry. I knew she'd be like this.

Speaker 10 Whilst you spent all morning getting Chapman all sopping wet and sopping wet and sopping wet.

Speaker 10 Is she okay? What? Nothing, shut up.

Speaker 14 Christ!

Speaker 10 I've been going through our accounts and we're entirely broke. Tired than you? Broker than usual, because my imbecile brother hasn't been securing clients for us.

Speaker 10 He's been throwing water balloons at Piffling's favourite residence.

Speaker 15 We've also frank cooled him and tied his shoelaces together and put a worm in his tooth.

Speaker 10 Stop distracting my brother, whoever you are.

Speaker 23 Typical! I finally bring a friend home, and what do you do?

Speaker 10 The last uranium miner has died. I suppose you've been doing everything you can to secure that funeral.

Speaker 30 How'd he die, that miner?

Speaker 10 He choked on a stale Battenberg slice. Not that it matters to us, because with Rudyard running around with you, he may as well still be alive.

Speaker 28 Antigone, I think we both know that none of this is Rudyard's fault, and we know where the fault truly lies.

Speaker 30 Where?

Speaker 6 Chapman.

Speaker 10 I can see why you two get on.

Speaker 14 You know what, Rodyard?

Speaker 28 Who needs Eric Chapman anyway?

Speaker 32 How about we just go out for a pub lunch and then catch a film?

Speaker 14 But he's not.

Speaker 12 I think there's in the mouth shut today. Herbert's expanding his donkey franchise.

Speaker 32 Well, we can watch some of mine.

Speaker 14 Have a movie night all day with popcorn and candy and ice cream straight from the tub, just like a couple of blood.

Speaker 12 Sounds like exactly the kind of thing two friends like us ought to be doing, Jerry.

Speaker 21 Antigone wouldn't understand.

Speaker 10 Rajard, you need to get that minus funeral.

Speaker 12 Come on, Jerry. Let's get some vanilla ice cream.

Speaker 31 Right behind you, mate.

Speaker 10 Don't you dare walk out that door, Rogard. I'm being assertive, Regard!

Speaker 37 Damn him!

Speaker 10 What's the matter with a man?

Speaker 10 The whole thing's making my skin crawl. And not in a way which is actually quite nice, in a bad way, and not in a bad way, which is actually quite thrilling, but what? Shut up, Yes!

Speaker 10 I don't like that, Jerry, one bit.

Speaker 10 I've got to prepare a pitch for that minor's funeral. And Georgie's still at the mayor's office.

Speaker 10 Madeline, I need you to follow Rudyard and make sure he doesn't do anything appalling, then report back to me. I've no idea how you'll do that.
Just find out all you can.

Speaker 10 And Madeline,

Speaker 10 good luck!

Speaker 4 I had a personal investment in all this. You see, for all Rudyard's faults, well, I do like him.

Speaker 4 He and Jerry, realizing that the only place to procure a pub lunch was at the bar in Chapman's funeral home, settled for a couple of of cheese baps and then made their way to Gerry's bakery.

Speaker 28 Come in, come in, make yourself at home.

Speaker 31 Thank you.

Speaker 40 I thought you'd done with the place,

Speaker 14 especially the broken glass and

Speaker 12 holes in the roof.

Speaker 8 Yeah,

Speaker 28 used to be a fine bakery this.

Speaker 38 My father, Jerry, handed it down to me, just like his mother, Jerry, did for him, and his mother's father, Jerry, did for her. But now, thanks to you, Noah, well,

Speaker 16 you can see for yourself.

Speaker 10 I mean,

Speaker 24 I came here last week and it looked fine.

Speaker 38 Yes, well.

Speaker 28 Entropy increases the nearer to an oven you are. And I've got two ovens.

Speaker 32 So there you go.

Speaker 14 Right.

Speaker 19 Gosh.

Speaker 12 It's frightening what that chapman can do, isn't it?

Speaker 28 Mate, I can't believe I used to admire the guy.

Speaker 33 And then suddenly it was like

Speaker 33 a veil was lifted from my eyes.

Speaker 25 Still, you don't think.

Speaker 18 What?

Speaker 12 But we're two reasonable, well-adjusted men. We've got our wits about us.
Yeah, definitely. It's just that everybody else seems to like Chapman.
Do you ever think that perhaps we're the problem?

Speaker 20 Oh, no.

Speaker 14 No, no.

Speaker 28 That man is the spawn of the devil.

Speaker 12 That would explain a lot.

Speaker 28 As soon as he opened that patisserie without even asking me,

Speaker 28 I lost my business, my livelihood, me.

Speaker 15 My love.

Speaker 28 Your Tanya.

Speaker 20 Oh, yes.

Speaker 12 Well, she never liked me much.

Speaker 20 Come to think of it.

Speaker 12 You never liked me much either.

Speaker 15 We were made for each other, Miranda.

Speaker 28 But when the bakery went under, I was a changed man. Tanya said she couldn't take it anymore.
Said if I spent as much time getting my life back on track as I did complaining about Chapman.

Speaker 12 When will they learn that complaining about Chapman is as necessary as breathing?

Speaker 15 And then she

Speaker 38 left me, Buddyard.

Speaker 15 Left me for my back-stabbing friend,

Speaker 13 Bill. Bill?

Speaker 20 Good lord.

Speaker 12 He always seemed so.

Speaker 38 I don't know, really. We've hardly ever spoken.

Speaker 15 But I don't blame Bill.

Speaker 14 Oh no.

Speaker 33 It's all Chapman's fault.

Speaker 26 I hate him.

Speaker 14 I hate him.

Speaker 20 Oh, um.

Speaker 29 Oh, there they're Jerry.

Speaker 12 Um, you've always got a shoulder to cry on.

Speaker 12 Always thought that was a metaphor.

Speaker 20 How long does this go on for exactly?

Speaker 6 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 14 Sorry, mate.

Speaker 35 It's just.

Speaker 15 Yeah, it's all just a bit too much sometimes.

Speaker 12 Well, cheer up. Movie nights, all day.

Speaker 4 That's right.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 28 Oh, and speaking of which, there's a few more items we're going to need.

Speaker 12 I don't know much about movie nights, Jerry, but it strikes me we've got the popcorn and the ice cream and the movies, so I.

Speaker 15 It's just a few things really are.

Speaker 14 I mean, they're not important, but...

Speaker 28 Well, you know, I just thought us being friends.

Speaker 12 No, no, certainly a few things. Why not? What are friends for? We've not to go out and get a few things.
Tell you what.

Speaker 28 I'll stay here and get the corn popping whilst you get everything on this list.

Speaker 19 Oh, let's see.

Speaker 12 Hundreds and thousands, steel piping, brass caps, glazed cherries, insecticide.

Speaker 12 Yes, well, that all seems perfectly reasonable.

Speaker 28 Brill! And could you eat the list when you're done?

Speaker 14 Eat it? Yes. Why?

Speaker 28 Uh, we've got no recycling bins around these parts. Oh, right.

Speaker 12 I should eat the receipts too, then.

Speaker 14 No, keep them.

Speaker 28 If you have a movie night in a bakery, it's tax-deductible. Oh, and uh, don't talk to anyone.

Speaker 12 Well, no worries there. I hate talking to people.

Speaker 20 Right, see you in a tick. Um, uh,

Speaker 25 meat.

Speaker 28 Yeah, nice one.

Speaker 28 A very nice one indeed.

Speaker 4 I reported back to fun funerals, and a few minutes of highly impressive miming on my part persuaded Antigone and Georgie to follow me to the broken-tooth sweet shop, where I fancied Rudyard would be making some purchases.

Speaker 10 You'd better be on to something, Madeline. I should be pitching for that miner's funeral right about now.

Speaker 10 I can see Rudyard through the window. He's buying

Speaker 10 glazed cherries and

Speaker 10 hundreds and thousands. Oh, he's just helping Jerry with a bakery.
There's one thing Ruddyard excels at, it's failing businesses. Madeline, you're wasting our time.

Speaker 19 Hello down there. Chapman!

Speaker 24 Is there any reason you're hovering outside the sweet shop with a periscope, or should I not ask too many?

Speaker 10 Georgie, disable! Sorry? Ah!

Speaker 20 Oh!

Speaker 20 Oh!

Speaker 40 Hello, Georgie!

Speaker 6 Right, Eric.

Speaker 7 You're brushing.

Speaker 10 It's the heat. What's he doing in there, Georgie? He's eating a piece of paper.
You didn't cut his rations again, did you?

Speaker 40 I'm fine, by the way. Windpipe crushed into the ground, arms twisted behind my back.

Speaker 20 That's really not a problem.

Speaker 10 Oh, what do you want, Chapman?

Speaker 40 To breathe again, preferably.

Speaker 10 Not an option.

Speaker 24 Okay, then.

Speaker 40 I've been at the receiving end of practical jokes and threatening litters. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that.

Speaker 10 Of course not. Jemmy Silly, stop talking.
We've got chloroform if we need it.

Speaker 23 Just say it.

Speaker 40 Look, I don't want to blow my own horn, but the list of people who thoroughly despise me on this island is pretty limited, so I just thought.

Speaker 10 Well, you can stop thinking it, because if you go on thinking it, you're going to make things terrifically awkward.

Speaker 40 And some gunpowder got taken from the mine last night. What were you doing at the mine?

Speaker 18 Because I...

Speaker 40 Georgie, do you have to keep pressing your knee into my cocksticks?

Speaker 31 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 40 Because I'm doing the uranium miners' funeral. I'm surprised you didn't pitch for it yourselves, actually.

Speaker 37 Damn, damn, damn!

Speaker 10 Madeline, look what you've done.

Speaker 10 I should have been securing that funeral, not lying around in the gutter with Eric Chapman. Lying around in the gutter.
No, it's not it. Georgie, where's Roger? What's he up to?

Speaker 12 I'm standing right here and looking at you.

Speaker 27 Whoops! Hello, Roger!

Speaker 40 I'll say hello, Roger, but as you can see, my face is being mashed into the pavement right now.

Speaker 10 Alright, Georgie, better release him.

Speaker 6 Fine.

Speaker 6 Oh.

Speaker 24 Oh, thank you. I wanted an excuse to buy a new suit anyway.

Speaker 12 Well, now, out for a little stroll, are we, Antigone?

Speaker 23 Georgie?

Speaker 6 Madeline.

Speaker 10 I'm great at going out for little strolls.

Speaker 21 Guys, you've been following me.

Speaker 12 You can't accept the idea that someone would like me for who I really am, can you?

Speaker 10 Now that you mention it, no.

Speaker 12 Just because you can't stand me having something that you haven't. Even in the womb, it was uh Redyard, I don't like my umbilical cord.
Give me yours. And uh, Rudyard, stop being born, I'll be lonely.

Speaker 10 I said those things to you in confidence.

Speaker 12 So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going across the road to buy some brass caps, steel piping, and insecticides.

Speaker 24 Well, that all sounds perfectly reasonable.

Speaker 12 That's for you, Madeline.

Speaker 12 You've shown your true colours. To think you were once my friend.

Speaker 12 Goodbye, everybody.

Speaker 23 If you need me, I'll be at Jerry's.

Speaker 10 Bye, Jad.

Speaker 37 Come back.

Speaker 9 I say, there's an awful racket going on out here.

Speaker 24 Just a little bit of local drama, Miss Doyle. Ah, Mr.

Speaker 9 Chapman, about this morning, I'm beginning to wonder if those threatening letters might not have been a little, well, threatening.

Speaker 38 Yep.

Speaker 9 So I think you should go under police protection.

Speaker 24 I'll show you a quick draw with a handful of boiled sweets, but I'm...

Speaker 9 No, no, no, no, no, no, it won't be me. What you need is a stout, burly young man.

Speaker 12 Then again, don't be all.

Speaker 22 What a funeral in a few hours' time at the old uranium mine.

Speaker 24 Will someone be covering me?

Speaker 20 Yes.

Speaker 24 In fact, Jerry volunteered.

Speaker 14 Jerry?

Speaker 24 Oh, Jerry! What a kind man. I'll feel much safer with him around.
Thanks, Miss Doyle. I'll be on my way.

Speaker 9 Have a good funeral?

Speaker 25 Good day, all.

Speaker 32 As for you, lot, well.

Speaker 24 Enjoy yourselves.

Speaker 10 Oh, damn it all. Why is everything so complicated?

Speaker 10 Dry your eyes, Madeline. We need firm, practical action.
Why would Jerry want to protect Eric Chapman? And why is Roodyard buying brass caps and steel piping and all those other things?

Speaker 10 They sound like the ingredients for something very nasty indeed. And I think I know who could tell us what it is.

Speaker 10 What are we doing at the bus stop?

Speaker 6 Where are they?

Speaker 4 How can they not be here?

Speaker 8 Who?

Speaker 10 I all want a sort of comfort and advice in my hour of need. And now they're gone, so that my world is shrinking back into the darkness from whence it came.

Speaker 3 Oh, yes.

Speaker 10 Been arrested in it. Source for the inconvenience, lots of love for the local village hudlums.
Piers, rise up against the capitalist oppressors. So that means...
They're in prison.

Speaker 10 I've got to get over there. First.

Speaker 4 I joined the two of them on their determined dash to the Piffling prison. But Rudyard had gone back to his new best friend.

Speaker 26 Rudyard, great to see you.

Speaker 13 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 12 I got everything you asked for. I may have made the start of the Glazed Cherries.

Speaker 26 I hope you don't mind. That is not a problem.

Speaker 12 Well, you'll never guess who I bumped into just now. Everyone I work with.

Speaker 32 That's who.

Speaker 14 Following me.

Speaker 13 Really?

Speaker 12 Do you know? They actually don't think I can look after myself. They don't trust me at all.

Speaker 26 Who needs them, eh?

Speaker 12 Exactly. Who needs them? I don't.
Not when we've got an all-day movie night ahead of us, eh, Jerry?

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 28 Actually, I thought we might do something else first.

Speaker 30 Oh, right?

Speaker 14 Okay, like what?

Speaker 32 Before we relax with a good film.

Speaker 15 Let's feel Freaky Friday.

Speaker 12 Oh, yes, that does sound good. Carry on.

Speaker 33 Before we do that, I think we should feel like we've earned it.

Speaker 28 And the best way to do that, I reckon, is to put Eric Chapman out of business.

Speaker 28 Permanently.

Speaker 13 That's a wonderful idea, Jerry.

Speaker 12 But how would...

Speaker 38 Step this way, my friend.

Speaker 12 But that's just an industrial oven, isn't it?

Speaker 41 Oh.

Speaker 17 Oh, I see.

Speaker 30 Come on in, Rodyard.

Speaker 12 Oh, it's some sort of study.

Speaker 38 Or um

Speaker 40 den or a

Speaker 28 secret underground bakery lair.

Speaker 12 Yes, that's the term I was fumbling for. Ah, is that a hospital bed?

Speaker 33 With restraint straps.

Speaker 38 It is indeed.

Speaker 12 Nice collection of rolling pins there. And sharpened bread knives.
And

Speaker 12 is that a meat hook hanging from the ceiling?

Speaker 3 Hmm.

Speaker 12 Got a butcher on the side of you, Jerry.

Speaker 38 Of a certain kind, Rodyard.

Speaker 20 Chloroform?

Speaker 12 Hydrochloric acid?

Speaker 12 Good lot of vanilla essence. Have to admit, Jerry, this secret lair is making me feel a bit quicker.

Speaker 38 You'll get used to it. We've got a lot of work to do over the next hour or so.
You pass me that barrel of gunpowder.

Speaker 23 Gunpowder, eh?

Speaker 12 What are we doing with gunpowder, Jerry?

Speaker 26 We're going to make a bomb.

Speaker 38 Of all the ingredients you picked up for me.

Speaker 20 A bomb?

Speaker 7 Oh, like the cake.

Speaker 26 Not like the cake.

Speaker 32 An explosive.

Speaker 38 And we're going to use it at the uranium mine during the funeral.

Speaker 35 Why would we want to do that to kill Eric Chapman?

Speaker 6 Good one, Jerry.

Speaker 17 I said.

Speaker 26 Good one, Jerry.

Speaker 12 I said.

Speaker 28 Oh? Souflag finally dropped, is it?

Speaker 12 No, no, no, look here, Jerry. Water balloons, funny phone calls, that's one thing.
But murder, that's pushing the boat out a bit too far for me.

Speaker 30 Yeah, that's a pity.

Speaker 12 I've dreamt about finishing him off once and for all, but we can't actually do it, Jerry. As your friend, it's my duty to stop you.

Speaker 32 Go to the police, maybe?

Speaker 28 Well, you can try, friend.

Speaker 32 But don't forget, you're as implicated in this as I am.

Speaker 20 I'm not.

Speaker 32 That's not what these receipts say, Rudyard.

Speaker 15 And who's going to believe it wasn't all your idea when I tell them how you forced me in on your evil plot?

Speaker 20 But

Speaker 12 Jerry, you're meant to be my friend.

Speaker 26 I am, Rudyard.

Speaker 16 You'd never have done this without me.

Speaker 15 We're going to be rid of Eric Chapman, and then we'll both be happy

Speaker 34 forever

Speaker 34 and ever

Speaker 35 and ever

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 2 ever.

Speaker 14 Jump on!

Speaker 4 But in a secret underground bakery lair, nobody can hear you scream. Least of all Antigone and Georgie as they burst dramatically into the piffling prison.

Speaker 10 Keep your eyes peeled for three disaffected youths. Wait, can you hear something?

Speaker 22 I'm just saying that it's still a relevant foundation for uniting the workers of the world.

Speaker 10 Yeah, but how can you do that if Martin Scrooge race must account for systematic oppression?

Speaker 18 That's them them over there.

Speaker 13 What do you say we need to move on from off?

Speaker 14 He's outdating, isn't it?

Speaker 39 How can we move on when we've never even successfully implemented his social-political structures?

Speaker 10 Yeah, but now you're just racist. What?

Speaker 14 Hoodlums. We meet again.

Speaker 17 Oh, I'm Miss Antigone.

Speaker 10 My assistant, Georgie.

Speaker 16 Yo.

Speaker 17 Hi, Georgie.

Speaker 14 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 10 No time. We tried to find you at the local village bus stop.

Speaker 22 Yeah, well, we're in prison, aren't we?

Speaker 10 Started a revolution, didn't we?

Speaker 17 Workers of the world unite, word.

Speaker 10 Yeah, do you have a revolutionary song? I said, no time. Who imprisoned you? Mayor Desmond Desmond, wasn't it? For starting an art revolution.

Speaker 17 Nah, art is dead. Haven't you heard? It's all about revolutionary socialism now, innit?

Speaker 10 The foundations of the capitalist tyranny are crumbling.

Speaker 17 The workers will rise from the ashes and inherit what is rightfully theirs.

Speaker 32 Big word.

Speaker 10 I can't believe the mayor would lock you up for that. I'll have a word with him.

Speaker 17 We'll sort this out.

Speaker 14 Don't do that.

Speaker 17 He didn't actually imprison us.

Speaker 10 He's quite a sensitive soul, really.

Speaker 17 We just thought it would give our movement more weight. Can't have a revolutionary movement without revolutionary prisoners, can you?

Speaker 10 So we asked him to imprison us. He was quite upset about it, actually, but he'll do us a favour.

Speaker 17 That's been such good hoodlums for him all these years. So, here we are.

Speaker 14 Ta-da!

Speaker 10 As fascinating as this is, we need your help. Something serious is happening in Piffling Vale today, and I'm sorry to say it's not your revolution.

Speaker 17 Alright, no need to get personal.

Speaker 10 I believe that ludicrous brother of mine has fallen in with the wrong sort of friend. He's been out perched in glazed cherries, hundreds of thousands.
What else?

Speaker 10 Cross cap, steel piping, and insecticide. That's it.
Easy. He's making a cherry bomb, innit? A cherry bomb?

Speaker 17 Standard.

Speaker 39 Old school.

Speaker 10 Choice tool of a revolution. Easy to make.

Speaker 17 Easy to detonate.

Speaker 14 Boom!

Speaker 10 Big damage. Word.
No, Georgie, not word. It isn't word at all.

Speaker 17 And when it goes off, those glazed cherries in hundreds and thousands will be killer as.

Speaker 17 Know what I mean? Classic.

Speaker 10 You don't need to worry, though. Without gunpowder, that bomb's not detonate you anywhere, anytime.
But Eric said gunpowder's missing from the mine. And the last miner died of a Battenberg slice.

Speaker 10 Jerry must have been discovered by the miner and killed him. And now he's gonna kill Eric Chapman, too.

Speaker 10 Thank you, Hoodlums. You'll always find a vocal supporter of the workers in me.

Speaker 17 Well, if you could go door to door, do some campaigning on our behalf, that would be really good.

Speaker 10 Nah, I'll tweet about it sometime. Come on, we've got to warn Eric.
He'll be doing the funeral by now. At the uranium mine.
Goodbye, Hoodlums. Thank you.

Speaker 22 See you around, Miss Antigone.

Speaker 17 And don't forget, the Workers United will never be defeated.

Speaker 10 Unless the workers assume white privilege, in which case they're as bad as the capitalist overlords.

Speaker 41 Ooh,

Speaker 17 disgust.

Speaker 4 It was a race against time.

Speaker 4 I was ever so pleased. Not only could I see my book royalties increasing by the second, but I knew that no insane pastry maker could come between Radyard and his favorite mouse.

Speaker 4 If only we could reach the mine before disaster struck.

Speaker 12 No, okay, Radyard, you've got to keep calm. This is still time to prevent this.

Speaker 24 Unless, of course, there isn't, and you blow up half the island.

Speaker 12 Still, what's this island ever done for you, eh?

Speaker 35 Why do you have their own dead?

Speaker 22 Don't pay for their funerals.

Speaker 24 Good afternoon, Rudyard. No! You okay? You look a bit peaky.

Speaker 39 Actually, I've been meaning to speak to you.

Speaker 24 Somebody's been chucking water balloons at me, and I wondered if you...

Speaker 13 Now isn't the time for discussing water balloons.

Speaker 12 Why?

Speaker 14 Why are you looking around like that?

Speaker 37 Chapman,

Speaker 20 you've got to get out of here. What for?

Speaker 12 Don't ask questions. I hate questions.
Just leave. Now, but.

Speaker 20 Oh.

Speaker 24 I see.

Speaker 24 I see what this is all about.

Speaker 12 Oh, uh, look, I didn't actually say say anything or actually. You want to take over the funeral.
Oh, in the name of...

Speaker 22 That would have been a great idea.

Speaker 16 I'd never have imagined you'd stoop so low. I was confused when you didn't even make an effort to secure this one, but to expect me to do all the groundwork and then just hand it over.

Speaker 23 I'm surprised at you, Rudyard.

Speaker 12 That's not what I'm talking about.

Speaker 13 What are we talking about?

Speaker 24 Oh, there you are, Jerry.

Speaker 22 How's it all looking?

Speaker 35 I've smoked out the perimeter and you're safe as airses.

Speaker 12 I had a thought.

Speaker 24 If someone wanted to get at me, they'd smuggle themselves into the funeral, wouldn't they?

Speaker 12 Oh, don't worry, Eric.

Speaker 24 I'll be close to you at all times no one can lay a finger on you without me getting there first thanks jerry that's a relief i better tell the reverend to get started enjoy yourself rudyard

Speaker 12 now um jerry i've been thinking looks to me like you were talking rudyard weren't planning on tipping our target the wink were you i have no idea what that means but i don't think it's too late to turn back you know it was too late from the moment eric chapman arrived on piffin now you'd better withdraw to a safe distance friend it'll all be over soon.

Speaker 23 We are gathered here today in the sublime but unenvironmentally sound surroundings of our uranium mine to celebrate the life of Tagenyev Otu.

Speaker 23 He was a one-man mine, refusing to be cowed by threats to his personal safety, or indeed other peoples. A hero to us all.

Speaker 23 Unless you're against nuclear energy, in which case he was a vile, planet-destroying, war-enabling parasite. I'm quite happy to get a debate going right here, if you want.

Speaker 12 Every tangent takes us toward disaster.

Speaker 34 Oh, thank God.

Speaker 14 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 12 Look, we've got to go on one chapman. His life's in terrible danger, and it's all my fault.

Speaker 24 We know.

Speaker 27 We're on it.

Speaker 10 What do you? Don't worry, we've got a plan. So long as Jerry doesn't see us, then we can...

Speaker 16 Faye, where did you speak from?

Speaker 10 Oh, he's just not playing the game, is he?

Speaker 23 Right, plan B.

Speaker 10 Everyone, you've got to listen to us.

Speaker 23 Oh, nuclear protesters, how exciting!

Speaker 24 They're not protesters. What are you not doing now?

Speaker 10 He's saving your life. Escape while you can.
Jerry, you can't trust him.

Speaker 24 Yes, I can. Look at that thing.

Speaker 31 I'm sorry, Chapman. Chapman, they're right.

Speaker 13 It's your funeral.

Speaker 14 Jerry! Get back!

Speaker 10 He's got a cherry bomb!

Speaker 24 Are you sure that's a bomb?

Speaker 16 It's more like a cake with some steel piping sticking out.

Speaker 23 No, no, that's definitely a bomb.

Speaker 14 What do you know about it?

Speaker 14 A little bit of a.

Speaker 31 I may have twisted his arm a bit, but the idea was all mine, Chapman.

Speaker 15 I just wanted to look you in the eye and tell you he's put the fun in funerals for the very last time.

Speaker 37 Oh, blimey!

Speaker 27 Jerry!

Speaker 41 Jerry, don't do it!

Speaker 28 Who's that?

Speaker 23 Come away, Tanya.

Speaker 25 He's dangerous.

Speaker 31 That's right. Go back to backstabbing Bill.

Speaker 26 We're sorry, Jerry.

Speaker 41 We've never meant to hurt you.

Speaker 14 How's that portrait of Eva Braun looking in your hallway, Bill?

Speaker 31 Hey?

Speaker 14 How is it looking?

Speaker 23 He's in the bedroom. Now put the bomb down, man.

Speaker 31 This is the only way I'll get respect around here.

Speaker 26 Now shut up, all of you.

Speaker 25 I've got a fuse to lie, Derry.

Speaker 12 I can't allow this. If you're going to kill Chapman, you'll have to take me with him.

Speaker 20 What?

Speaker 12 Rudyard. What's a point of principal? Nothing personal.

Speaker 24 Affair Jews.

Speaker 31 Where did you want to call a spade a spade, Rudyard?

Speaker 10 You won't get away with this, Jerry. You'll have to take us all on, won't it?

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 3 Enjoy yourself!

Speaker 3 Jerry, you're not getting jailed! I've never abandoned a funeral before, and I'm not doing it now.

Speaker 27 Let go my arms!

Speaker 23 I can defuse that bomb!

Speaker 10 Don't let me drag you by your bones and don't he's not!

Speaker 23 I tell you, I can defuse it! I've done it before!

Speaker 3 A long time ago! Jeff and Jeff and come back to me!

Speaker 3 You might

Speaker 3 be right now.

Speaker 3 Someone's not going to be able to do it.

Speaker 4 It had to be said that Eric Chapman certainly knew how to throw a funeral.

Speaker 7 Ruddiard Makes a Friend was written by Cordelia Lynn and David K.

Speaker 7 Barnes and performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Maxwell Tyler as Gerry, Alison Skilbeck as Agatha Doyle, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Sean Baker as The Mayor, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with Jason Forbes, Ella Garland and Luke Wilson as the hoodlums and additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Gladwin.

Speaker 7 Original music composed by James Whittle.

Speaker 7 The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios by Tom Guillieron and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 42 The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Speaker 42 You You compare flights, hotels, even coffee shops.

Speaker 14 So, why not travel insurance?

Speaker 42 Insure My Trip lets you compare top plans side by side. No bias, no pressure.
Lost bags, flight delays, medical drama abroad? Covered.

Speaker 42 It's powered by smart tech, real reviews, and expert help when you need it. Think of it like a travel-savvy friend who actually reads the fine print.

Speaker 42 With 20-plus years of experience and an A-plus BPB rating, we've got your back. Risk less, travel more.
Start comparing at insuremytrip.com. That's insuremytrip.com.