Season 2 Episode 1: The Ghost of Piffling Vale

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So,

where were we?

Hidden in the English Channel is an island called Pifling.

On the island is a village, Pifling Vale, and the village has a square and the square has this fantastic funeral home owned by the most wonderful man in the world.

His name is Eric Chapman.

He's still new to the island and he's made everybody here so much happier.

Well,

almost everybody.

Because opposite him is another funeral home.

It's been there for a very long time.

It's dark and gloomy and rather depressing.

Much like the two people who run it.

It's also where this story is set.

Sorry about that.

Wooden Overcoats, created by David K.

Barnes.

Season 2, Episode 1, The Ghost of Piffling Vale.

By Molly Beth Marosa and David K.

Barnes.

Life wasn't easy for Ruddyard fun of fun funerals.

It was bad enough that he was still losing all his clients to Eric Chapman.

Now, Antigone, his own sister, was demanding an equal say in the running of the family business.

Taking the path of least resistance, Ruddyard was teaching Antigone everything he knew.

And this is the front of house where we meet and greet our clients and persuade them to book our services.

Yes, I know, I live here.

At any moment, a grieving widow could stagger through that door and make our day immeasurably better.

I've also worked here all my life.

Antigone, you'll learn a lot more from me if you allow me to talk.

But you keep telling me things I already know.

You have to start with the basics.

I know the basics.

We've got the Conrad funeral in a couple of hours, so unless the client cancels, we haven't got time to waste.

Now, look here.

Mr.

Conrad?

Yes?

I see.

Well, it turns out we've got the whole day to ourselves.

So where were we?

Oh, yes, this is the telephone.

Roger, did we just lose another funeral?

It's begun to look that way, yes.

How?

Why?

Because Mr.

Conrad has three young children and Eric Chapman owns a bouncy castle.

Oh, for pity's sake!

We're losing money to raid him knots.

Anything we can do, he can do better.

People will come back to us if we just hold our nerves.

Why would that happen?

We are traditional.

People trust tradition, because at the end of the day, what is it we do?

Funerals?

No, I mean specifically funerals.

We specifically do funerals.

No, no, the answer is we're a funeral herd.

No, no, no, no, no, stop it.

Well, no, what we do is we put the body in the coffin, say it with me in the ground.

Why not?

It's stupid.

It's our motto.

It's your motto.

Which I gave to the business, so it's our motto.

It's entirely reductive.

We do more than just get the body in the coffin ground on time.

Made to say it.

No, you didn't.

I said it voluntarily.

That's even better.

Bajad, getting the body buried by the time we're meant to do it is a bare minimum of what we should be doing.

We can't take any pride in promoting it.

Are you sure you're right, Felicita?

Oh, for God's sake.

Good morning.

Why, hello there, Miss Scruple!

Nice weather, isn't it?

Yes, it is!

Go on, Antigone.

She's all yours.

What?

Your first client, if you know the basics, and don't do anything weird.

I will destroy you.

My sister here will attend to you today, Miss Scruple.

What?

I don't see a sister anywhere.

Hello!

Oh!

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Miss.

Miss Scruple?

Well, now that you've met and killed your first first client, how do you think it's all going?

Shut up, Roger.

I wish I'd always come over and die on the premises.

It'd make our job much easier.

You're not helping.

Georgie, can it?

Wait, I'm learning Catalan.

Antigone, this is Georgie.

I know!

Georgie, get a glass of water for Miss Scribble.

No.

That's how you say no in Catalan.

Georgina, I gave you a direct order.

I can't do it.

They've cut the water off because we haven't paid the bill.

Why?

Because, Antigone, we're broke.

It's either water or the heating bill, and I want to keep warm.

But without the water, we can't heat anything anyway.

Yes, but

in the name of sanity.

The old lady's coming round.

Thank God.

Another easy job slips through our fingers.

Help her up, Georgie.

Fine.

There we go, Watson Daisy.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Oh,

where am I?

You're in fun funerals, Miss Scruple.

Fun funerals?

That's right.

Oh, dear.

I'm in the wrong one.

Sorry to be a nuisance.

But since you're here, why not stay?

But we'll get the ground and the coffin in the body.

I'm...

She'll be back.

She's an old lady.

Old lady is like tradition.

We just have to hold our nerve and...

Get after him.

Yep.

Okay, while I'm gone, collect as much water as you can.

Bye.

Whilst Georgie searched for a suitable basin, Radiat set out in pursuit, hunting Miss Scruple down to the workplace of his competitor, Eric Chapman.

Yes, I think I'll go with lilies, Mr.

Chapman.

My brother would have liked lilies.

Would he, Miss Scruple?

He'd have wanted people to rub against them and stain their clothes.

He was a bit of a sod like that, really.

Oh, was he?

He'd sit in the park all day and tease the squirrels with a hazelnut on a bit of string.

Of course, they turned on him in the end.

Stuffed his throat full of chestnuts.

I saw, yeah.

Hmm.

Life can be so predictable, can't it, Mr.

Chapman?

Yes.

Ah, morning, Rudyard.

Now, look here, Chapman.

We're both busy men, so I cut this shot.

Great, because I'm talking to my client right now.

She's my client.

Your client?

An easy mistake, she's in the wrong building.

Now, come along, you.

Rudyard, as you can see, she's booking a service.

Oh, really, Miss Scruple?

Who's the lucky recipient?

My brother, Mr.

Fun.

He's teasing gold squirrels now.

So you're treating yourself to a funeral.

Let's get you back across that square and book you up.

Nice try, Rudyard.

We're pretty happy here.

She came to see me first.

By mistake.

Wasn't a mistake.

Oh, yes, it was.

You're overcome with grief.

I'm not.

Rudyard.

Yes?

Enjoy yourself.

So sorry about that, Miss Scruple.

You said you wanted lilies.

Yes.

We can do lilies.

Open caskets.

Go on, then.

We can just not build a coffin and do you a discount.

And there's one more thing.

Anything I can do, just name it.

I'd like to speak with him one last time.

Oh, naturally, you can come and sit with your brother whenever you want.

You can also do that at us.

My sister will be lurking in there, too.

No, no.

I'd like to speak with him, face to face.

We have some unfinished business to attend to.

Plenty of unfinished business at fun funerals.

Rudyard, that doesn't even make sense.

That's what I want, Mr.

Chapman.

And I'm willing to spend a lot of cash on it.

Cash?

Really?

How much?

Miss Scruple,

are are you saying you'd like to speak to the spirit of your deceased brother?

Yes.

Well, it's not so much to ask, is it?

No, it isn't, Miss Scruple.

If it's spirit contact you're after, then I'm your man.

You, Mr.

Fan?

Right, I'm sorry, but can I just say...

No, you can't.

Yes, it's one of our new services offered exclusively at fun funerals.

Oh!

Special offer on every seance until the end of the month.

Oh, fancy that.

Well, I'm in luck, aren't I, Mr.

Chapman?

Far be it from me to to be cynical, but I don't think Rudyard can make contact with the dead.

He just said he can.

Yes, I know he did.

And I just know that Richard's soul is with us somewhere.

So do I.

Look, I.

I absolutely respect your beliefs, but it is very.

I don't want to use the word impossible here, but.

He used the word impossible.

You did, you know?

Well,

yes, technically, but I.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.

Chapman, but I'll have to book with Mr.

Fanny.

Astonishing.

We'll do the funeral on, say, Friday evening and then see if we can't rustle up your dear departed Raymond.

Richard.

I'm the professional here, Miss Scruple.

A word, Rudyard.

You can't be serious.

I'm a very serious man.

Just think about what you're promising.

You can conjure Miss Scruple's dear departed

dear departed bastard brother.

Contact the spirit world?

Talk to the dead?

Well, no, not me personally.

But if it's not you, then who?

Tigne!

Good job for you!

Madeline, where is she?

That's me, by the way, in case you've forgotten.

Jotting everything down for my Memoirs of a Funeral House Mouse sequel.

But more on that later.

Out of the way, sir.

Georgia, where's Antigony?

Ah, Georgie, excellent.

Put that back with the others.

At least I can have a bath tomorrow.

Please pay attention to me.

Can it wait?

We'll boil them also so we can have a break.

There's no tea or coffee, we'll have to imagine.

No, it can't wait.

We have a client.

Miss Glove?

Yes.

For once, I got one over on Chapman.

Well done, sir.

We should celebrate.

Do you like your hot water, weak or strong?

Ooh, surprise me.

No, strong.

Wait, no!

Hold on, Roger.

How'd you do it?

Ah, now, firstly, I said we could bury her brother on Friday.

Would that work for you?

I have nothing else on for the next ten years.

Good, because then I said we'd throw in a

news service.

What news service?

It's quite simple.

You see, Miss Scruple would like to contact her brother.

On the other side.

The other side of what?

The astral plane.

The great beyond.

The spirit level.

Rajad, have you told her that we can summon up the ghost of her dead brother?

No.

I just said you could do it.

What?

What's going on out there?

Cancel that hot water.

He doesn't deserve it.

He worked hard for that water.

Shut up, Rajad.

What has he done now?

He's telling people that I can contact the dead.

You say it, it sounds unreasonable.

Of course it is.

Once you're dead, you're dead.

There's no coming back.

I know her brother's just a collection of inanimate tissues and cells and matter and tendons and fluids.

Could you stop now?

Wait a sec.

You mean we're conducting a seance?

No, it's an appalling idea.

I agree.

You do?

The ghosts won't like it for a start.

Oh, why am I here?

I mean, if I were a ghost, I'd have better things to do on a Friday night.

Probably get a bit shirty.

You're joking.

No, we're great at being shirty.

And so are ghosts.

Now, look here, all we need to do is put on a show.

No ghosts, no ghouls.

We just pretend.

It's easy money.

We're so desperate with conning an innocent old lady.

If the ghouls see us doing that, they'll be livid.

Antigone, you're meant to be my co-director.

Are you really going to fall down at the first hurdle?

But what?

That's hardly a

showmanship.

That's all it is.

This is the weirdest job we've ever had.

And you're the weirdest person I know.

Great.

I need someone who's read up on the old parlor tricks and playing the crowd.

A bit of flair, a bit of...

Theatre?

You mean?

Remember?

Year six junior talent competition.

My one woman wind in the widows.

Puppet spectacular in three acts.

I know it didn't end happily and all the other children left crying, but the majority of the family.

It was an exhilarating feeling, yes.

like a total knob.

We're providing a service to a dear old lady to give her some comfort in her hour of need.

Who cares if it's real or not, as long as she feels better and pays us?

All right, Antigone.

On the condition you leave the creative side to me.

Of course.

And no cutting corners.

This has to be just right.

Fine.

But when Mother Teresa shows no mercy, don't come crying to me.

And so fun funerals began preparing for their first séance.

And I knew this would make a smashing first chapter to my new book, More Memoirs of a Funeral House Mouse.

Buy two for the price of three.

The following day found Antigone conducting a little research in her mortuary.

Come on, where are you?

Must be one of these.

Hey, Antigone, I got the things you want to do.

Stop!

You can't just burgeon here whenever you like.

What's wrong with you?

I'm bringing you the stuff you asked for.

That's no excuse.

This is my mortuary.

You're meant to call, or knock, or step a note under the door or not bother me at all.

Have some consideration.

Can I come in, please?

Yes.

Geez.

Five meters of black velvet.

Ten bouquets of fresh lilies.

Makeup, spirit bells, and four stone angels.

What about the candles?

Couldn't get any decent ones at the market.

I'll have to improvise.

I've still got some of Mrs.

Pikeworthy's subcutaneous effect from last week.

Could mould that into a candle without any hassle?

Do you always keep specimens from bodies you work with?

Never you mind.

You know, I told Nana we'll be doing this, and she was so upset she kicked her two fancy men out into the street.

Your Nana's love life has no bearing on my seance.

Now, I've got research to do.

Goodbye.

What are those old tapes?

Madame Lansbury Manning.

Schooling, clairvoyants, and mediums.

I got the complete collection from the library.

There must be something useful in here.

Align your energies, amaze your friends.

Astral projection on your ex-husband's partner.

Explain your career at the labour exchange.

Ah,

how to strike a happy medium by becoming one yourself.

Pass me that little tape, Payer.

Do you really think this will help?

No, Georgie, I'm just doing this to waste time.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

That was me being sarcastic.

You need to get out more.

I need lots of things now, be quiet.

Hello again, loves.

Not hunting me.

Leave the whiskey, Lionel.

You can leave the whiskey, Lionel.

Now then,

Adam Lansbury Manner here.

And Field's third most successful clairvoyant medium and top-top stubbleware representative.

Today's journey into the spirit world is sponsored by Top Top Stubberware.

Two top-tops with low, low prices.

Mmm,

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So, my dears,

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Come on, come on.

Michela, why don't you touch me anymore?

How to set up your seance.

Step one:

Arrange your guardian angels so that they face inwards from each corner of the room.

They will help to protect and guide the ceremony.

And don't stub your toe on them, or it'll hurt like hell.

Won't it, Lionel?

She's great.

Step two:

prepare the table, align your chakras, and remove your spirit bell from its protective and durable top-tubs tub wet container.

Step three:

Don't

think about how your ex-husband took the children.

Don't do

it!

What's going on down here?

Red!

Can't anybody bloody knock around here?

What in God's name is all this stuff?

Set, props, costume, all necessary for the job.

Is there a seat?

Well, so long as it's necessary.

You spent how much?

No cutting corners, remember?

What do you need angels for?

Otherwise the ghosts will eat us.

Not now, Georgie.

If we're going to call Miss Scruple out of her savings, we can at least do it properly.

Not for this sort of money, we can't.

Funeral and the seance of both tomorrow, and I still have to embalm Mr.

Scruple.

I haven't got time to argue.

Good, I'll assume I've won.

Georgie, take it all back.

Georgie, brittle down.

Do not be so stubborn.

Yes.

Can you two hear something?

It's wind in the willows all over again.

Did you listen when I told you you had the wrong batteries in Mr.

Toad's car?

If you'd secured him properly, then he wouldn't have gone flying off into the audience.

I think there's someone upstairs.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I wasn't aware there was a correct way of sellotaping a dead frog to a remote control car.

He was a toad, and you know it.

Hello?

Sorry, I just heard raised voices down here and thought I'd see if there was any.

Get out!

Sorry.

Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

Get out, oh god, hold out!

You think we should rescue him?

Sure, there's a very strong word.

Oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, God, oh god.

Oh, look, believe me, I'm sorry.

There's nothing sacred around here.

How dare you say your noble act when I noticed my mortuary?

My what?

Nothing shout out.

This is over age.

Okay, Chapman, you've got no business prowling around our home.

I ought to report you to the police.

Or, at the very least, set Georgie on you.

We can do this the hard way or the harder way.

No, hold on, the door was wide open, no one was up here, and I wanted to discuss these seance with you.

Hardly your concern.

Georgie, attack!

Actually, Rudyard, it does concern me that you're trying to swindle Miss Scruple when she's greedy and vulnerable.

You must know, we're doing everything in our power to make this a traditional and valuable service.

I'm even taking advice from Madame Lansbury Manning.

Oh, God, not schooling clairvoyants and media.

What's wrong with it?

It literally spells scams.

Schooling clairvoyants and media?

Oh, yes, it does.

It doesn't change the fact that we won this contract fair and square, sort of.

And you won't steal it away from us.

This isn't about us, it's about respecting Miss Scruple and doing the right thing.

As I've said, I personally do find it a bit disrespectful.

Finally, some sense to the spirit world.

Oh, what?

Here we go.

Ghosts just want to put the spooky feet up and do a spooky crossword.

Let's leave them alone.

Please tell me you're joking.

Eric, you'd know if I were joking, because it'd be funny and you'd be laughing.

Okay.

Bottom line here.

Are you sure I can't persuade you all not to go through with this?

We'd accept a substantial bribe, but otherwise, no.

I see.

It seems you've left me no choice.

I'll be seeing you all tomorrow.

Enjoy yourselves.

What do you think he meant by that?

I've no idea.

I've got work to do.

Ms.

Scruple's brother won't embalm himself.

And I suppose I ought to practice for tomorrow evening.

Why, what are you doing?

You're just providing the seance.

I'm providing the ghost.

Richard Scruple's body was duly embalmed, dressed, and ready for his burial at the churchyard the following evening.

Conducted by Reverend Wavering.

And so, we commit the body of Richard Scruple into the earth, much like he committed several whoopie cushions to the pews of the church at my mother's funeral twelve years ago.

Richard is gone, but he shall not be forgotten.

Unless he isn't gone, and this is another of his mean-spirited japes.

In which case, too-nil to you, Richard.

Radyard stood by the coffin, looking exceedingly solemn.

Only I, sitting on his shoulder, could tell that he was trembling with anxiety for the evening ahead.

Badlin, did you remember to nibble those holes through the tablecloth?

For the wise,

you've learnt your cues.

Of course I can't relax.

Anything could go wrong.

Remember what Chapman said yesterday?

Where is he?

What's he going to do?

Oh, I hope he doesn't leap out with a water pistol.

I hate that.

Looking forward to the main event, are we, Mr.

Fun?

Oh, my, yes.

I'm a little bit nervous about it, actually.

Really?

Do you want to call the whole thing off?

Oh, damn, what a pity, what a shame.

Oh, no, no.

It's more than nerves you have when you're about to splash out on a new bedspread.

And my linen cupboard is full of new bedspreads, Mr.

Fun.

What?

Who devil are you?

You know, Roger, I'm tremendously excited about this seance.

Your place at eight, isn't it, Miss Scruple?

We'll go out for some chips first.

Make a night of it.

You mean you're coming too, Reverend?

Oh, better safe than sorry.

What if someone gets possessed?

We'd look a right bunch of plums then, wouldn't we?

I've been brushing up on my exorcising exercises.

A few few old horror films.

See if I can't muddle something together.

I mean, it's possible that it won't work at all.

Well, in that case, I just sit back with my fizzy drink and enjoy the show.

There's no problem, is there, Mr.

Fun?

You've started sweating very visibly.

You know, I think I ought to be checking in on the others.

Make sure we're ready for your brother.

See you later, Rudyard.

Have you seen that one, Miss Scruble?

You know, uh, your mother winds clocks in hell.

That one?

I can't remember what it's called.

Come on, Madeline.

This evening has just got that little bit more complicated.

We shot off to Miss Scruple's cottage, not far from the Piffling dog track, and found Antigone and Georgie sitting up.

It was then that I discovered what Rudyard was intending to produce in lieu of your actual ghost.

Right, Georgie, how do I look?

Pretty sharp, sir.

You look good wrapped in a bed, sheep.

That's makeup.

You made me take everything back to the shops, remember?

The cheapest alternative I could find was this.

Sherbit.

Wipen your face up with it, then darken your eyes with cocoa powder.

And I've got some gummy fangs here, too.

A ghost, not a vampire.

Could have fooled me.

Where's Antigone?

Antigone!

What is it?

Antigone, come out of the sideboard.

No, it's comforting and quiet.

He'll be here any minute.

Away, stage frighter.

Georgie, have we rigged up any bells of fishing wire?

Yep, and the ectoplasm setting in the fridge.

We only had a jelly mold, though, so it's shaped like a turtle.

Oh, I wanted a crushed velvet tablecloth.

You've got me a picnic blanket.

I wanted four stone angels.

Instead, we've got some garden gnomes.

Look at them grinning with their fishing rods.

I hate them.

At least I found you some candles.

Oh, yes.

Mosquito repellent citrus.

The details are wrong.

The whole thing's a mess.

Well, you'll have to make it work somehow.

They're here.

Oh, by the way, I forgot.

She's brought an exorcist.

She's what?

Are the spirits here, yes?

I'll hide behind the curtain.

Go on, say something.

Oh, you should.

Uh, welcome, one and all, to this hallowed place, and please.

Oh, hello, Antigone.

How are you, dear?

I I'm fine.

Well, you don't look fine, Antigone.

You still haven't got yourself a hairbrush, have you?

It's really not a problem.

Well, never mind.

You can borrow one of mine.

We'll sort that matting out.

Lord knows what we'll do about those crow's feet, mind you.

You're stuck with them, I think.

Hello, Reverend, how are you?

Well, you could say I'm I'm in high

spirits.

Oh, isn't he a card?

You're a funny little thing.

Yes, and spoken for.

Could we all be seated around the table, please?

Georgie, switch the lights off.

I say.

This is all very scooby-doo, isn't it?

I hope there's a cushion I can hide behind if it gets too scary.

We shall start with the ritual music, Georgie.

You name it, I'll hum it.

Do we not have any actual music?

As I said, you name it and I'll hum it.

Forget it.

Let's all just take each other's hands and rest them upon the table.

This is our protective circle.

Is that right, Antigone?

I'm fine, it's the candles.

Why am I covered in dead mosquitoes?

Now, um, spirits, do you hear me?

We mean you no harm.

We wish to speak to one of your number.

If there are any spirits present, give us a sign.

Sorry.

I get thirsty when I'm nervous.

Any spirits, give us a sign.

Anything you like.

Oh my god, it's happening!

Glatty hell!

Oh, spirits, keep giving us signs.

Oh!

Something just ran across my foot!

Good job, Mondolin.

I'm looking to speak with the spirit of Richard Scruple.

Is he with us now?

He is.

He's in the room.

Present yourself to us, please.

Whenever you're ready.

Sorry, sorry.

I um left my spectacles with St.

Peter.

Oh, Richard,

is it really you?

Yes, it is I, Richard, your brother.

What happened to your teeth?

They look squishy.

Uh, everyone looks a bit different in the afterlife.

God, my face is delicious.

So, how are things?

Did I have a nice and reasonably priced funeral?

Oh, yes, you did.

And I got you lilies.

Did they stain some clothes?

Oh, yes, Richard, they did.

The Reverend was furious.

Not that I can't take a joke, you understand.

Please don't haunt me.

Did they let you into heaven, dear?

Yes, yes.

Nice place, Heaven.

The squirrels aren't as deadly there.

Uh what can I do for you, Miss

Miss Scripple?

You can call me by my first name, can't you, Dickie?

Um

what was that?

Georgie, was that you?

No, I didn't touch them.

You're a ghost, you ought to know.

Look, I'm pretty new to all this, so less of the ass.

Heavens above!

It must be another spirit!

No, no, no, it can't be.

It can't be.

It's happening!

Mother Teresa's here!

Not quite.

Is

that...

Chapman?

You are mistaken, madam.

I am the respectable Spectre Detective Inspector Kojak Holmes, Astral Apparition Division, and I have journeyed from the Great Beyond to expose this spirit as an imposter.

Oh, why do I bother?

Uh, uh, goodness, Inspector.

Whatever do you mean?

Yes, we're having ourselves a perfectly proper seance, and I'm a ghost.

I've got some extra extra person to prove it.

Good God!

A ghost turtle!

I don't doubt the validity of your proceedings, Madam Fun.

Merely the identity of this particular spirit.

Ruining my seance and making it awful.

If he is indeed Miss Scruple's brother, then can he tell us her Christian name?

Go on, Dickie.

Uh, well,

it's obviously, um,

Millicent.

Oh, imposter!

This is why the details, details matter!

Nothing, nothing, ignoring.

Oh, Reverend, do something!

Now, look here, I mean, calm down.

George, I gotta go.

Look, the power of Christ,

the power of Coke, compels you.

You naughty ghost, man!

Oh!

Oh!

You got him!

Look!

His face is frothy!

Oh, God!

My teeth are melting!

My face!

Oh, my delicious face!

Dear!

God, he's a poltergeist!

Oh, evil spirit, here's the door.

Thank you, Georgia.

No!

I'll get you for this, Kojak!

No, you won't.

He wasn't my Richard at all.

Your brother's content and napping after a long celestial journey, but I know that he still cares deeply for you.

We had a bond that nobody could break.

After all these years of endless bickering and squabbling through all the tricks and pranks, I just wanted to tell him that

I won.

Oh, what?

Hear that, Dickie?

I had you buried in the paisley suit that always made you look fat.

Ha!

Final point to Dotty!

As long as you found a piece of sorts.

Up yours, fat so.

Yes.

Well, my work amongst the living has ended.

I must away to the higher, sorry, plains of Nirvana, pardon me.

Enjoy yourselves.

What a charming old ghost.

And so handsome, too.

And so the great ghost summoning ended with nothing more than a sticky trail of sherbet and fizzy drink.

Antigone and Georgie cleared up Miss Scruple's dining room, reconvened with Radyard outside in the cold, and sloped off back towards the square.

I won't be able to look that woman in the eye ever again.

You summoned her up some ghosts, didn't you?

What more could she want?

Yeah, but since Antigone summoned up a crooked poltergeist, Wavering got all the money for exercising, yeah.

Outstanding.

Still, at least Mother Teresa didn't turn up.

Miss Scruple and her brother.

Do you think that's what we'll become, Rajard?

Well, I hate you when you die.

Unless you have a change of heart in the next few decades, I expect so.

Why, hello there, fans.

Taking in the night air.

Chapman.

Sorry about crashing the party back there, but I really couldn't let you get away with it.

Yes, you could have.

Easily.

Just a hobby of mine.

I've exposed plenty of fakes over the years, including Madame Lansbury Manning.

Were you always a Spectre Detective Inspector?

Well, I've always been a sucker for some theatrics.

I've done my fair share of Amdram.

A long time ago.

Chapman?

Yes, Richard.

Of course you realise this means war.

Does it?

We won't stand idly by and be humiliated.

And there's room for only one funeral home on this island.

It is, as they say,

on.

Well, I certainly look forward to finding out what you mean by that.

Till next time, funs.

Georgie, enjoy yourselves.

There must be a chink in his armour somewhere.

We've got to find some way to...

beat him.

We will, Antigone.

And mark my words.

When that day comes, Eric Chapman will wish he'd never been.

You can't write a Sunday Times bestseller about people being nice to each other.

The world just doesn't work like that, does it?

The Ghost of Piffling Vale was written by Molly Beth Morosa and David K.

Barnes and was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Ellie Dickens as Miss Scruple, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Caroline Quentin as Madame Lansbury-Manning, and Belinda Lang as Madeline.

With additional voices by Holly Campbell, Pip Gladwin and Maxwell Tyler.

Original music composed by James Whittle.

The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios by Tom Guillieron and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Once you have completed step three, my advice to you is to sit down quietly,

touch your third eye,

press it round and round and round and round,

and concentrate on the person that you love that has left you behind.

Don't pick in those linel, that's disgusting.

I want me to concentrate on you doing that.

Well, don't wipe it off!

Don't wipe it there!

Step four,

step four.

Take your brand new Top Top Stubber container, lift the lid,

and in there

is the soul of your dear departed.

They've transferred into your Top Top Stubber container,

and they're there fresh, waiting for you.

So every time you miss them,

don't cry, don't moan them.

They're happy, they're happy, they're on the other side.

I can see them smiling at you from underneath the see-through transparent plastic lid.

They're happy, they're in there, and they're fresh whenever you want them.

Just pop that thing open, and their spirit will rise, come to you.

Step five:

after you have cleared all the air in the room, you've shut the curtains, you've held hands, I want you just to say this to yourselves:

39.99 is not a lot of money to change my life.

39.99 is not a lot of money to change my life

to bring me back the happiness I deserve.

So, think of me with love whenever you think of me, because I think of you with love.

I've got so much love to give.

I know where to give it to, Lionel.

Nowhere for all this love, Lionel.

But I've got love for you.

A top, top, top away,

container friends.

Love from me to you.

Constantly, you're in my heart.

And if you've got any sense, you'll be in my bank balance.

Think about it: $39.99 to be in touch with all those dear departed

with love.

The angels are smiling.

And don't forget, Topps Touch Tubberware is the Top Tubberware in town.

God bless.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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