Season 2 Episode 2: A Funeral House Divided

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Speaker 6 Rudyard Funn runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. He used to run it by himself.
He doesn't anymore.

Speaker 6 Now his sister Antigone has an equal say, and the transition has not been a smooth one. But they do agree on one thing.

Speaker 6 Whilst Eric Chapman remains their rival, they must outshine him by any means necessary.

Speaker 9 Woodnovercoats, created by David K. Barnes, Season 2, Episode 2.
A Funeral House Divided by James Hamilton and James Huntrods.

Speaker 6 Events began at one of Chapman's funerals, which, as usual, was going down rather well.

Speaker 8 Today, we mourn the passing of Florian Burnside, former MI5 operative and children's entertainer.

Speaker 11 Not to mention Piffling's keenest adulterer.

Speaker 13 He was so good at it.

Speaker 7 I know, Mrs.

Speaker 11 Burnside.

Speaker 7 We'll all miss him.

Speaker 8 And in tribute to the departed, our host, Eric Chapman, has taped a bag of love-heart sweeties underneath each of your seats.

Speaker 16 You'll see that each of them is inscribed with one of Florian's famous catchphrases. Mine says,

Speaker 16 I can fit you in next Thursday, but only in the back of of the rickshaw.

Speaker 6 Meanwhile, these proceedings were being scrutinized from the branches of a pedunculate oak tree by Rudyard and Antigone Fun.

Speaker 17 Makes you sick, doesn't it?

Speaker 9 I couldn't eat more than two of them.

Speaker 7 Not the sweets, Antigone.

Speaker 18 You mean the adult tree?

Speaker 7 No, Chapman.

Speaker 21 Look at him over there, smarming away. It's all gimmicks with him, isn't it?

Speaker 19 They're not gimmicks.

Speaker 22 We began by releasing a thousand intimately shaped balloons with Mr. Burnside's face on them.

Speaker 18 And clearly they all found it very poignant.

Speaker 20 Poignantly bad for the environment.

Speaker 18 He said they were biodegradable. Damn you, Chapman.
And a bit with the memorial pebbles and when his 25 grandchildren read poetry.

Speaker 5 Gimmicks, oh, gimmicks! Not to them, Rudyard.

Speaker 18 They're considerate gestures that make the service a unique and memorable experience.

Speaker 23 There must be something he's not doing right.

Speaker 10 Eric, can I just say you've done everything wrong?

Speaker 7 Oh, come on now.

Speaker 18 Face it, Rudyard. It's impossible to beat Chapman at his own game.

Speaker 21 Why are we we even up here?

Speaker 20 Just so we can feel even worse about ourselves than we already do.

Speaker 18 Because, if we can't beat him at his own game, I say we need to change ours. Offer a completely different kind of funeral.
Something Chapman can't do.

Speaker 20 There's only one kind of funeral, the kind where a dead person gets hidden from view in a very permanent way.

Speaker 7 What do we do?

Speaker 20 Quick, hide your face in the bird's nest.

Speaker 7 What are you two doing?

Speaker 24 Ah!

Speaker 25 Hello, Chapman!

Speaker 26 Didn't see you down there!

Speaker 16 Do you want to come and join us? We're just opening up the sandwich bar, and I always over-cater.

Speaker 18 No, thank you. I found some eggs in the bird's nest.
We can eat those.

Speaker 16 Well, suit yourself. The sun's going down soon.
I'm giving people rides around the lake in Florian's old rickshaw. Remember, whatever happens in the back of a rickshaw stays in the back of a rickshaw.

Speaker 18 I have no idea what you're talking about, so put those strong, enveloping arms away and leave us alone.

Speaker 27 Well, fair enough.

Speaker 16 Enjoy yourself.

Speaker 28 No,

Speaker 21 I think we got away with that.

Speaker 18 Look at them walking away into the setting sun. So infuriating and vivid.

Speaker 20 And Digity, instead of worrying so much about what Chapman is doing, we need to pay attention to what he isn't doing.

Speaker 5 Wait a minute.

Speaker 18 What he isn't doing.

Speaker 17 That's it. That's it.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Speaker 18 For the first time ever, I think I might be.

Speaker 18 That wasn't what I was thinking at all.

Speaker 6 At fun funerals, half an hour later.

Speaker 26 That's a brilliant idea, isn't it, Georgie?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 26 I haven't heard it.

Speaker 7 You don't need to. Just back me up.

Speaker 18 Don't do it.

Speaker 32 It's a trap. Look, I'm trying to relax you, my strawberry moose.

Speaker 9 What's going on?

Speaker 18 We've both devised a way to outdo Eric Chapman once and for all.

Speaker 33 No, one of us has devised a way to beat Chapman, and one of us has come up with a terrible idea that's definitely not going to work.

Speaker 18 Took you long enough to admit it.

Speaker 28 Okay.

Speaker 32 Okay, let's say I'm an investor. Win me over.

Speaker 16 What have you got?

Speaker 30 I say, if we can't match Chapman for quality, then we need to undercut him on price.

Speaker 32 I'm listening.

Speaker 30 Fun funerals become cheap and cheerful, with emphasis on the cheap. We offer super low-budget funerals for far less than Chapman could ever afford.

Speaker 32 And how could we afford afford it?

Speaker 33 Strip everything back.

Speaker 30 Go entirely basic. No vicar, no flowers, no coffins.
We take the grief out of grieving.

Speaker 10 And the point.

Speaker 30 We need to offer something that Chapman won't.

Speaker 18 Yes, but that doesn't mean we offer something worse.

Speaker 32 So, everyone saves money with us. Eric goes out of business, and we corner the entire funeral market.

Speaker 34 Exactly! What do you think?

Speaker 32 You're not convinced. Antigone.

Speaker 30 What do you mean, not convinced?

Speaker 32 The investor's word is final.

Speaker 30 Jodie, you're not an investor.

Speaker 32 Don't argue with me, Sunshine.

Speaker 18 Antigone, go. So, nobody wants their loved ones just flung into a pothole.

Speaker 7 Definitely debatable.

Speaker 18 Why don't we do the opposite? Become a boutique. Increase our costs, increase our fees, and offer a greater level of luxury than Chapman's.
Imagine the prestige. I am, and I like it.

Speaker 18 We won't just go the extra mile. We'll go the extra league.
Specially made champagne coloured a deep funeral black. An orchestra playing the richest symphonies composed exclusively for the deceased.

Speaker 30 And battalions of orphans praying exactly on cheese.

Speaker 18 You're not taking this seriously.

Speaker 32 Good job, if she wants some orphans, let her have.

Speaker 18 I don't want any orphans. I want her to do funerals of real beauty and sophistication.

Speaker 33 We couldn't do them every day.

Speaker 18 I know, we do them once a month.

Speaker 30 Once a month? That won't put Chapman out of business.

Speaker 18 We won't be competing with him anymore. We're doing our own thing.
Doesn't that appeal to you?

Speaker 30 Not as much as having him out on the street.

Speaker 32 On his knees, begging for scraps.

Speaker 36 On his knees.

Speaker 33 And how much would the...

Speaker 3 Antigony? I'm begging for...

Speaker 18 What? Shut up, where am I?

Speaker 30 How much would they even cost?

Speaker 11 Oh, who cares about the money?

Speaker 18 It's about the craft. Georgie, what do you think?

Speaker 26 Bearing in mind, my idea is better.

Speaker 32 I've said both up the negative.

Speaker 18 Exactly, but only mine has positives.

Speaker 25 You know, as by far the most experienced director of fun funerals in the room, I'd say I know this industry better than either of us.

Speaker 18 You know how to fail in this industry better than either of us.

Speaker 25 And so after a great-

Speaker 33 Yes, very good. So after a great deal of thought, I say we go with my plan.

Speaker 11 What?

Speaker 33 And if my plan doesn't work, then we'll go with a deal.

Speaker 23 I'm sorry, that is just too funny.

Speaker 13 Now hold on there, Roger.

Speaker 18 I'm co-director of this business, and I want to go with my idea.

Speaker 23 Well, we're not going with your idea.

Speaker 18 Well, we're not not going with my idea.

Speaker 33 Well, we're not going with my idea either.

Speaker 12 So it's settled then, isn't it?

Speaker 26 Yes, I think it is. I'm confused, but I don't mind it.

Speaker 18 We'll see who has a better business brain around here. Georgie, let's find out the going rate for slabs of marble.

Speaker 33 No, no, no, no, no, come on, Georgie.

Speaker 30 We need easy spots for a cheap funeral. It's a few rabbit holes in the meadow we could easily make bigger.

Speaker 3 Oh!

Speaker 18 Like, let go of my arms!

Speaker 32 I can't help both of you at the same time, can I?

Speaker 18 Well, in that case, you'll have to choose which one of us you'd like to go to.

Speaker 7 Run on, Georgie! Run!

Speaker 9 So, Georgie, shall we get started?

Speaker 32 I'm having another strawberry mouse.

Speaker 6 And so, Antigone began looking for clients in the upper echelons of Piffling Society, whilst Radiad found himself an old microphone and a cardboard box.

Speaker 6 The next morning, he was calling his very own press conference.

Speaker 27 They haven't. Haven't what?

Speaker 18 Assembled.

Speaker 16 They just need time.

Speaker 30 Sort of like Mr. Marlowe would have somewhere better to be.

Speaker 16 How often does anyone hold a press conference here, anyway?

Speaker 13 Actually, that's why I'm here.

Speaker 7 Hello.

Speaker 13 Who are you? Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM.

Speaker 30 Didn't know we had a radio station?

Speaker 13 Yes, people do keep saying that to me. Still, Mr.
Fan, you must be very excited about all this.

Speaker 26 I most certainly am.

Speaker 13 Piffling's first ever press conference.

Speaker 9 Quite a task.

Speaker 13 How'd you manage it?

Speaker 26 Uh, rang a few people up, put the word out, you know.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah, that's amazing. Thank you, Mr.
Fann. I've got everything I need.
This has been a big day for me.

Speaker 26 Don't you want to hear what the conference is about?

Speaker 13 No, that might be a lot to absorb all in one go. I'm still reeling through the whole press conference thing.

Speaker 20 Brilliant.

Speaker 7 Ah, excuse me, uh, sorry to bother you. This is Fun Funerals, isn't it?

Speaker 13 Yes, yes, that's us. Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM.
Sir, how has this press conference changed your life? Oh, well.

Speaker 26 Yes, which publication might you be from? Piffling Morse Code Missives, Piffling Back at the Toilet Door International?

Speaker 7 I'm here to meet Antigone Fun.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 18 Hello, yes, I'm Antigone Funn.

Speaker 7 Oh, good morning.

Speaker 3 I'm Roger. Roger Noggins.

Speaker 18 Oh, let me be the first to welcome you to Fun Funerals.

Speaker 37 Beach to it.

Speaker 18 Shut up, Roger. Please wait in the foyer, Mr.
Noggins, where Georgina here will provide you with refreshments. Perhaps a massage.

Speaker 32 I'm great with shoulders.

Speaker 7 Oh, would you happen to have plane tap water?

Speaker 18 Yes, we would. We just had it reconnected.
If you'd like to step through here for me.

Speaker 3 We'll do.

Speaker 16 Antigone, who is that?

Speaker 18 My client, if you must know.

Speaker 21 You've got a client.

Speaker 18 Yes, a wealthy client, too.

Speaker 24 I thought she didn't care about money.

Speaker 18 I care about artistic integrity, but that often costs a lot of money. It's how the world works.
I can't change that. Stop demanding the impossible.

Speaker 21 Where'd you find him then?

Speaker 18 I asked Lady Templar to put in a good word for me with all her high society friends. Doesn't she hate us? No, she just hates you.

Speaker 13 I have to say, I didn't expect a press conference to have this much conversation.

Speaker 39 It's a bit like a play.

Speaker 5 Who are you?

Speaker 13 I hear that every day.

Speaker 18 Excuse me, Roger. I have a business to run.
No, look here.

Speaker 3 Bravo.

Speaker 36 What an exit. That does it.

Speaker 26 Georgie, turn up the microphone.

Speaker 9 Yes, sir.

Speaker 26 Miss Delahoy, you wanted a press conference?

Speaker 36 Well, listen to this.

Speaker 40 Attention, Bivling Vale! Don't you wish you were prosperous? Don't you wish you were happy? Don't you wish you were free?

Speaker 40 Yes. Well, now you can be, thanks to fun funerals, where every funeral costs only 40 pounds.

Speaker 30 Save money on your funeral and spend it on yourselves.

Speaker 23 Tell me your dreams.

Speaker 25 I can supply them.

Speaker 32 Do you want deals on siblings?

Speaker 37 I'm a sibling. I want to know more.

Speaker 17 Georgie, it's working. I've got a crowd.

Speaker 37 Hot job, sir.

Speaker 11 We'll have to start a client list.

Speaker 30 Quick, fetch a sheet of paper.

Speaker 33 Look, make that too.

Speaker 18 Ah, Georgina, could you fetch Mr. Moggins here some more water?

Speaker 36 Oh, no, please.

Speaker 7 One glass was nearly more than enough.

Speaker 18 How about another grape?

Speaker 7 Well, there I might be tempted.

Speaker 32 Sorry, I'm on crowd control for Roger.

Speaker 18 This is more important, Georgie.

Speaker 7 Oh, there's really no need to make an effort on my behalf.

Speaker 18 No one else does. Until now, Mr.
Noggins, at fun funerals, we specialise in nuanced, high-concept boutique funerals with the maximum level of care and dedication.

Speaker 34 No need for a coffin!

Speaker 14 The racket's add up in the newspaper!

Speaker 10 Hurry up, Georgie! Hurry up!

Speaker 18 We're just drawing a crowd, so we have people to turn away. Oh, I see.
So, you would like to schedule a funeral with me, Antigone Farn.

Speaker 7 Yes, that's correct.

Speaker 18 Excellent, very good, yes. And who is the recipient?

Speaker 7 Me.

Speaker 7 Oh.

Speaker 7 You see, I don't have very long left on this earth.

Speaker 19 I'm

Speaker 18 so sorry.

Speaker 7 No, really, it's fine. In fact, I'm as healthy as I've ever been.

Speaker 3 You are?

Speaker 7 My health record over the course of my lifetime would be a very boring read, which I know for a fact because I've read it very frequently.

Speaker 18 You have?

Speaker 7 It's just that about 20 years ago, I had a relatively vivid dream. You may find this difficult to credit, but it told me the exact day and time that I was due to die.

Speaker 29 It did.

Speaker 7 Now that's particularly strange because it's the only dream I've ever had. Sleep is just lying in a dark room with my eyes closed the rest of the time.
Do you dream at all, Miss Von?

Speaker 18 My sleep is full of nightmares.

Speaker 7 Good lord.

Speaker 37 But please, go on.

Speaker 18 What did your dream tell you?

Speaker 7 It said I was due to die on the 3rd of November of this very year, 3.52 p.m., to be precise.

Speaker 29 November 3rd?

Speaker 18 But that's next week.

Speaker 7 Aha, a fellow calendar reader.

Speaker 18 That doesn't give us very much time. Um, Mr.
Noggins, are you sure that...

Speaker 7 Am I sure I'm going to drop dead next week?

Speaker 18 Sort of exactly, yes. Well,

Speaker 7 I will say this, Miss Funn. I don't want to take any chances, because that's not the kind of man I am.

Speaker 18 No, I can see that. We do ask for payment upfront.

Speaker 7 Oh, that won't be a problem. All the money I earn goes straight into the bank to accumulate interest.
It's sort of a hobby of mine, really. Putting money straight into the bank to accumulate interest.

Speaker 18 Sounds very interesting.

Speaker 3 Yes, it is.

Speaker 36 Yes.

Speaker 7 I've accumulated quite a lot now.

Speaker 7 I've got no children or relatives or pets to spend it on, so I thought, Roger, what better way to spend all your savings than booking an enormous memorial service to celebrate your life?

Speaker 18 Why not, yes?

Speaker 7 Because you can't take it with you.

Speaker 18 You can't, no.

Speaker 7 Just a happy celebration of my life.

Speaker 18 May I ask what you do?

Speaker 10 I cunt blades of grass.

Speaker 23 Oh.

Speaker 7 Ecology Bureau. So the council doesn't overspend.
I'm the island's foremost authority on grass, by default.

Speaker 18 So you go around and

Speaker 7 monitoring the colour for ecological consistency. And monitoring the length for ecological consistency.

Speaker 18 Is this a recent occupation?

Speaker 7 41 years. Oh, God.

Speaker 7 I could tell you some stories.

Speaker 36 You don't have to.

Speaker 7 Once, I actually counted 3,000 blades of grass within half an hour, and then I came here to talk to you.

Speaker 36 Yes.

Speaker 6 I had a hunch that this conversation wasn't likely to sell many copies of more memoirs of a funeral house mouse. Pre-order any way you like.
So I scurried outside to see how Rudyat was getting on.

Speaker 6 And he'd attracted a sizable crowd.

Speaker 40 So, my friends, don't waste your money on hoity-toity so-called meaningful funerals. Those snake oil salesmen are just taking you for every penny you have.

Speaker 40 Think how much money they get you to spend on coffins and gravestones and biodegradable balloons.

Speaker 7 I think those things are very important.

Speaker 40 Of course you do whilst you're alive. But you won't care when you're dead, will you?

Speaker 42 Imagine the hundreds, no, thousands of pounds you'd save.

Speaker 40 What would you spend it on?

Speaker 31 A pub lunch.

Speaker 40 A strong idea. Any more?

Speaker 13 I'd buy everyone in the village a radio of their own. I'd buy lottery tickets every day of the week.

Speaker 43 A pub lunch.

Speaker 40 All things are possible if you book a 40 quid budget burial with fun funerals today, my friends. I say to you,

Speaker 40 enjoy yourselves!

Speaker 3 Just a minute.

Speaker 3 What's going on out here?

Speaker 40 Oh, nothing much, Chapman. I'm just putting the fun in funerals, as usual.

Speaker 42 Yeah. Thank you, Jerry.

Speaker 12 A pub lunch. Let's get you some food, darling.

Speaker 16 Yes, I was listening to your pitch. Rudyard, are you sure you've thought this through?

Speaker 42 As sure as I am that you want the hard-earned cash of these good people so you can spend it all on yourself.

Speaker 13 General de la Pois, Pifflin FM, how good a man so great is something so needful!

Speaker 3 Now, hang on, everyone.

Speaker 37 Let's hold our horses here.

Speaker 16 Rudyard is perfectly entitled to offer cheap funerals without any trimming.

Speaker 40 You see? He admits it!

Speaker 16 I just think personally that a funeral is a chance to truly commemorate the passing of a loved one with a few personalized, tasteful details, that's all.

Speaker 16 The money you spend at Chapman will always pay for the finest service I can provide. That I can promise you.
But obviously, if you prefer a low-budget affair.

Speaker 13 We'd prefer a low-budget affair!

Speaker 30 This might be the happiest day of my life.

Speaker 22 Georgie, it looks like we're going to need more paper.

Speaker 38 Just for you, sir, I'll bring you a whole pack.

Speaker 7 And that's how the grass at the eleventh hole of the golf course differs from the grass at the tenth. It's not a big difference, but it's there.

Speaker 18 Yes, well, that was an extremely thorough answer to what seemed a simple question.

Speaker 18 Georgie!

Speaker 32 Come on, me, just get more pepper.

Speaker 18 Stay here, won't you, please, Dave?

Speaker 32 Sorry, Carnie's whipping up a storm out there.

Speaker 7 But he can't be.

Speaker 32 See you in a minute!

Speaker 7 Are you alright, Patrice?

Speaker 7 I've got an anecdote about the thoroughfare, if you'd like it.

Speaker 9 No.

Speaker 18 Thank you. I want to know more about Roger Noggins the man, the personality.

Speaker 28 Ah, right.

Speaker 7 Yes.

Speaker 18 Anything spring to mind?

Speaker 7 Um

Speaker 7 I was born. I got the job with the Ecology Bureau and then I came here to talk to you.

Speaker 18 Have you traveled at all?

Speaker 28 Oh yes.

Speaker 7 I came here to talk to you.

Speaker 18 I mean, outside of Pifflingdale, any traveling?

Speaker 7 No. Nothing like that.
But I do have travel insurance. Why?

Speaker 18 Why'd you have that? Were you planning on going somewhere, somewhere interesting until something happened to you?

Speaker 7 No. Just filled out the form one day.

Speaker 7 Gotta do something with the weekend, haven't you?

Speaker 18 Any friends? Any relationships?

Speaker 7 Oh, dear.

Speaker 18 Anyone we could ask for a eulogy?

Speaker 7 Let me think.

Speaker 7 I do say hello to the greengrocer when I pop in there. Maybe she has some friends you could ask.

Speaker 7 Would you like some of this tap water? I shan't finish it.

Speaker 33 Send Send me another load pot.

Speaker 18 You're gonna be yourself, Regard.

Speaker 33 You're being the best friend we've ever had, I'm not.

Speaker 10 You don't need to lie to me, Miss Farn.

Speaker 7 I can see it's a hopeless task.

Speaker 18 No, no, it isn't. We just need to be very...

Speaker 18 very

Speaker 18 creative.

Speaker 7 I just thought that maybe if I had a big memorial, people would think I'd had a big life to go with it, but meeting you has only confirmed what I've always feared.

Speaker 7 I'm sorry to have wasted your time as far as I know.

Speaker 33 No, now, who says you need a big funeral?

Speaker 18 I do. Mr.
Noggins, the events of your life may be difficult to commemorate as such, but I say that your memorial itself shall be the thing you'll be remembered for.

Speaker 15 Do you think it could be?

Speaker 18 It'll be beautiful, moving, artistically ambitious. You'll go down in the history of Piffling Vale as the man with a funeral too big to ignore and too poignant to forget.

Speaker 7 Hmm. You know, I'm not sure artistically ambitious is the right fit for me.
I did look at a painting once, but I found it pretty exhausting.

Speaker 26 What you need is a simple, honest, down-the-line funeral.

Speaker 7 Oh, you may as well just chuck me into a hole in the ground.

Speaker 33 I was about to say the same thing.

Speaker 36 So, how are you?

Speaker 18 But no, no, no, wait. When I say artistic, what I really meant was extravagant and decadent and big.

Speaker 18 That does sound exciting. A 20-foot statue, a fountain made of caviar, peacocks running amok, dogs playing cards.
Could I have a glitter camp? Of course you can! I was about to suggest it myself.

Speaker 24 Very sophisticated.

Speaker 18 Shut up and die.

Speaker 10 Miss Funn, sign me up.

Speaker 11 I've got the funeral I always wanted, and I couldn't be happier.

Speaker 18 I'm very glad you feel that way, Mr. Noggins.

Speaker 15 I'm so chuffed I could just go home and take a nap.

Speaker 3 Oh, to heck with it.

Speaker 23 It is a Friday.

Speaker 31 Goodbye, Miss Funn.

Speaker 18 I've got myself a funeral.

Speaker 30 But I've got myself a hundred funerals.

Speaker 18 Mine is more valuable than all yours put together.

Speaker 16 Oh, yes, but will it be more artistic?

Speaker 18 I like glitter cannons. Don't.

Speaker 28 I'll learn.

Speaker 32 Boy, where's all the notepad? They've started writing the details down on the wall.

Speaker 21 Don't worry, Charter.

Speaker 7 We can afford it.

Speaker 11 See you later, Antigone.

Speaker 21 My public needs you.

Speaker 6 For the first time in anyone's memory, fun funerals felt like the most popular business in town. So the following morning, Rudyard was thrilled at the prospect of another day's work ahead.

Speaker 30 Okay, Madeline, we signed up a heck of a lot of new clients yesterday.

Speaker 21 Now comes the really fun part:

Speaker 21 taking their deposits, which are, of course, non-refundable.

Speaker 20 Time to put the final nail into Chapman's overpriced coffin.

Speaker 16 Let's go.

Speaker 33 What's happened?

Speaker 23 Madeline, where are they?

Speaker 30 But they all said they were coming back first thing in the morning.

Speaker 11 Look at the notepad.

Speaker 37 Where is everyone?

Speaker 11 Redyard!

Speaker 25 Chapman!

Speaker 20 I knew it.

Speaker 26 Come on, Madeline.

Speaker 6 The two rivals marched towards the middle of the village square.

Speaker 25 Now look here, Chapman.

Speaker 33 I've got one thing to say to you and one thing only.

Speaker 23 Where is everyone?

Speaker 11 All my bookings have been cancelled.

Speaker 37 Every single one.

Speaker 25 If that's supposed to make me feel better, then well done. It's working.

Speaker 11 But there's nobody in fun funerals either.

Speaker 23 There isn't? No.

Speaker 5 So where on earth is everyone? Radyard fun!

Speaker 34 Oh, good morning, Reverend.

Speaker 15 Don't you, good morning, Reverend me.

Speaker 3 What's wrong, Nigel?

Speaker 8 I popped round to see the Philbrick family.

Speaker 15 And you'll never guess what I saw.

Speaker 34 They were doing their own funeral in the back garden without me.

Speaker 30 Doing it themselves?

Speaker 11 They dug a little pit, slipped old Olivia Philbrick inside, covered it over, and started having a barbecue.

Speaker 3 I was so appalled, I could barely stomach my second hot dog.

Speaker 30 That's just an isolated example.

Speaker 15 It's an epidemic! Even Mrs. Carnegie wants her family to just throw her body off the piffling cliffs.

Speaker 35 Apparently, the tides are nature's undertick.

Speaker 16 I mean, it's

Speaker 16 against God's will.

Speaker 15 Doing me out of a decent trade.

Speaker 15 Some of us like to go to New York in the Christmas hole.

Speaker 26 Look, I didn't tell people to do their own funerals, did I?

Speaker 16 I don't like playing the blame game, but telling people they don't need to spend money on their funerals might have led to people not not spending money on their funerals.

Speaker 33 I was trying to nab some of your business, not discourage it altogether.

Speaker 16 Then you've succeeded beyond your wildest dreams. I've got nothing, and neither have you.

Speaker 23 A pyric victory, wouldn't you say?

Speaker 36 You stupid clock.

Speaker 23 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 30 Look here, I am willing to admit that I am partially to blame for all.

Speaker 7 Mr. Fun!

Speaker 13 Glad I could catch you. Mr.

Speaker 3 Claude.

Speaker 13 What you said at the conference made so much sense to so many people. I'm cancelling the funeral I booked and giving everyone a radio instead.

Speaker 8 Here you go.

Speaker 8 Thank you very much. But really,

Speaker 13 remember, Piffling FM, it's better than silence.

Speaker 3 Ta-da!

Speaker 30 Well, Rudyard, I'm sure your radio's in the post.

Speaker 11 I mean, what are we going to do? We have to demonstrate to the village that funerals should be left in the hands of professionals.

Speaker 16 Can't do that if nobody's having a funeral.

Speaker 7 You're right, Madeline.

Speaker 22 I hate to admit it, gentlemen, but there's still one funeral being planned right now.

Speaker 32 No, I already told you all 50 of the doves have to land on the heads of the orphans simultaneously.

Speaker 32 Antigone, he says it can't be done.

Speaker 18 Tell him if he can't do it, I'll find a dove trainer who can. Did you get that?

Speaker 41 She means it.

Speaker 18 What's he saying?

Speaker 32 He's laughing.

Speaker 38 I'm just waiting for him to stop.

Speaker 10 Yes, what is it?

Speaker 18 Georgie, tell the dove trainer we'll call him back.

Speaker 32 Do you think he'll have stopped laughing by then?

Speaker 18 Just do it. Now then, the rest of you, one at a time, please.
Antigone. Not you, Rajard.
I haven't interfered with your ideas, I can extend the same courtesy to me. Next.

Speaker 16 Antigone, we need your help.

Speaker 11 Rajard's caused the entire funeral industry on Piffling to collapse in upon itself.

Speaker 30 I wouldn't say that.

Speaker 16 Well, I would, because that's precisely what's happened.

Speaker 32 To be honest, I kind of saw it coming.

Speaker 18 Judas. So, brother mine, my little plan isn't looking quite so ridiculous anymore, is it?

Speaker 16 Antigone, this is not the time to gloat.

Speaker 18 It's the perfect time to gloat. I'm doing it now.

Speaker 8 Miss Fun,

Speaker 8 you have the last funerary client in the village.

Speaker 34 One last chance to remind everyone that we're needed.

Speaker 16 I say we ought to pool our resources, combine our skills, and all work together to save our profession in Pippling Vale. What do you say, Antigone? Are you with us?

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 7 Ah.

Speaker 18 He's my client, and we're fine without you.

Speaker 32 Does anyone know a decent dove trainer? I know fine.

Speaker 18 I said we're fine. The lilies have been sprayed black, the goodie bags are nearly full, and the dance troop's already on the plane from Brazil.
I don't need any of you taking credit for my hard work.

Speaker 10 Now, look here, Auntie.

Speaker 18 No, you look here, Rajard. You had your chance to prove me wrong, and you only proved me right.

Speaker 18 And once the Roger Noggin Celebratorial Ceremonial Memorial Gala funeral has taken place, everyone will want a funeral again, and they'll want them done by me, so there.

Speaker 11 Well, that resolves all my issues at least.

Speaker 8 See you later, then. Glad we had this chat.

Speaker 18 Wait a minute, Reverend. I will, of course, need you.

Speaker 16 Why couldn't you get a tap dancing vicar? She pulled out.

Speaker 19 That's enough, Georgie.

Speaker 6 And so, whilst Eric took his defeat with a stiff upper lip and Ruddyard sobbed in the corner, Antigone spent several days adding the final flourishes to the biggest funeral Piffling would ever see.

Speaker 6 Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 14 that was of course the 15th Philharmonic and their old tootnoggins composed especially to commemorate the passing of Roger Noggins.

Speaker 10 Now, for our penultimate event of the memorial, I'm afraid we can't bring Roger Noggins back from the dead.

Speaker 11 But who'd like to see a little

Speaker 28 magic?

Speaker 14 Please welcome all the way from the continent the conjurer of condolences, Darius Valentino.

Speaker 32 Georgie's stage crew, Darius on stage, Jerry, get the guns into position and load the glitter cannon.

Speaker 7 Over.

Speaker 28 Everything in place for the Grand Canal, Georgie.

Speaker 13 Aye, aye, Antigone.

Speaker 36 I do hope this was all worth it.

Speaker 44 Antigone, Antigone.

Speaker 7 I have to say, you've done an absolutely bang-up job at this service.

Speaker 10 I'm so pleased you think so, Reverend.

Speaker 8 I was particularly impressed with the Sky Writer.

Speaker 45 Sky essays?

Speaker 34 Oh, yes, sorry, of course.

Speaker 8 Very salient points made about the nature of mortality.

Speaker 7 I thought it was a bit waffly, to be honest.

Speaker 11 Oh, stop it, Roodyard.

Speaker 31 Admit it. This unit's been a resounding success, and it's all Antigone's doing.

Speaker 36 Thank you, Chapman.

Speaker 11 People have been talking about it for years. I bet Mr.
Noggins would have been thrilled.

Speaker 7 Indeed, I am. This has been a glorious evening.

Speaker 24 You're still alive. And that eulogy.

Speaker 7 Who knew my greengrocer could speak so emotionally about my favorite vegetables?

Speaker 20 And Igni, have you staged a funeral for a man who isn't dead?

Speaker 28 Well, then.

Speaker 7 I should be in that bejewelled sarcophagus over there, but it turned out that my dream about dying at exactly 3:52 p.m. on November the 3rd this year was

Speaker 36 just a dream.

Speaker 35 Who went through with this anyway?

Speaker 7 Well, I wanted to cancel at first. Being alive gave me quite the existential crisis over breakfast, let me tell you.
But then, Miss Funn here said, and I'll never forget these words, Mr.

Speaker 3 Noggins, everything's booked, so we can't back out now.

Speaker 36 And you know something?

Speaker 7 I'm glad I didn't.

Speaker 36 Thank you, Mr. Noggins.

Speaker 18 Why don't you put your disguise back on and watch the magician?

Speaker 7 We'll do.

Speaker 34 Antigone,

Speaker 7 I can't believe you'd be so...

Speaker 16 unscrupulous as this just to prove Rudyard wrong.

Speaker 18 I think a key thing to take away from all this is that I did prove him wrong, and isn't that the most important thing?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 18 Oh, who asked you anyway?

Speaker 10 Antigone, the magician's nearly done.

Speaker 11 But instead of one rabbit, one hundred rabbits representing each of his favorite blades of grass.

Speaker 11 What a performer! What a performer!

Speaker 34 Ladies and gentlemen, it's been quite a night,

Speaker 14 and none of it would have been possible without Antigone Fun, a fun

Speaker 7 funeral!

Speaker 28 Scream! Speak! Scream! Scream!

Speaker 36 Come on, Antigone!

Speaker 30 Surely, after all this time and effort you've put into this, a little public speaking in front of a massive crowd won't hurt you.

Speaker 5 And here she is!

Speaker 28 Give her a big hand, everybody!

Speaker 28 Thank you.

Speaker 13 Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM, how did you make all those orphans cry on Hugh?

Speaker 18 Um,

Speaker 45 pass.

Speaker 13 How funny! So, this is just the start of your deluxe services at fun funerals, is it?

Speaker 18 Well, well, yes, actually. The greatest luxury money can buy.
Available to everyone.

Speaker 13 Fantastic! And just so we all know, I'm sure we're all counting our pennies. How much did this all cost?

Speaker 19 Um, well, um, on the whole, um, about sixty sixty thousand pounds.

Speaker 18 I.

Speaker 18 I may have gone overboard in this first one, but sixty thousand pounds?

Speaker 41 None of us could afford that.

Speaker 18 Rich people could. Um, do we have any in at all?

Speaker 41 She must be out of her mind.

Speaker 8 It's not as if this funeral even had artistic merit.

Speaker 3 I.

Speaker 18 I wanted it too.

Speaker 26 Ladies and gentlemen, there is always an alternative.

Speaker 30 If you want your funeral done on the cheek.

Speaker 43 Well, we tried that, thanks. We want something special.

Speaker 36 But wait a minute.

Speaker 41 What if we wanted something that was better than yours, but not as expensive as hers?

Speaker 16 Well, actually, the kind of funerals I offer at Chapman's fall very neatly into that bracket.

Speaker 24 Of course!

Speaker 41 Chapman's! I've always had a great time at his funerals.

Speaker 16 And I'm pleased to announce that everyone who books a funeral at Chapman's over the next 48 hours will receive a coffin with goose feather lining.

Speaker 18 What bloody difference would that make?

Speaker 7 That makes so much difference!

Speaker 7 He has gimmicks.

Speaker 36 I like those. Mr.
Noggins, you can't be leaving too.

Speaker 7 Well, it's not like I'll be able to afford another funeral like this now, is it? Believe me, I'm incredibly grateful for this fund.

Speaker 7 But I think I'd better book in at Chapman's before that offer expires.

Speaker 11 Goose feathers are nature's feathers.

Speaker 16 They certainly are, Mr. Noggins.
Let's see what we can do for you. Enjoy yourselves, you two.

Speaker 16 Well,

Speaker 22 you messed that up, didn't you?

Speaker 19 Me, hell.

Speaker 17 We can still fix this. After all, we've got the best part of £60,000 to play with, haven't we?

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 18 Every penny went on during the funeral. It was about playing the long game, Roger.

Speaker 17 You're incredible in a very bad way.

Speaker 18 You crippled the entire industry overnight!

Speaker 16 And then you handed the entire thing back to Chapman again.

Speaker 16 We're right back where we started.

Speaker 32 Finally, the penny dropped. Georgie, would it kill either one of you to stop bickering for one day? Even if it did, I bet you'd still be squabbling over how the dead one gets buried.

Speaker 17 Look, that would require

Speaker 20 some kind of sale.

Speaker 18 Shut up, Roger.

Speaker 32 All I'm saying is you're both trying to achieve the same thing. So maybe you should, I don't know, work together without undermining each other.
Then maybe it actually gets somewhere.

Speaker 32 What do you reckon, eh?

Speaker 21 You know, maybe this was all George's fault.

Speaker 18 Yes, I was just going to say that.

Speaker 16 She's been remarkably complacent.

Speaker 18 All down to your influence, of course. My influence?

Speaker 3 What about your father?

Speaker 18 Don't you do anything right?

Speaker 26 No, I'm not taking

Speaker 26 it.

Speaker 6 Fun funerals had reached the peak of popularity twice within a single week, and yet yet still managed to cock it up. And as Georgie packed up the glitter cannon,

Speaker 6 as Georgie set off the glitter cannon, she reflected that perhaps the job was losing its spark, and that her employers had better watch out.

Speaker 9 A Funeral House Divided was written by James Hamilton and James Huntrods and edited by David K. Barnes.

Speaker 9 It was performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Hugh Fraser as Roger Noggins, Andy Seacomb as Reverend Wavering, Alana Ross as Jennifer Delacroix and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with additional voices by Holly Campbell, Pip Gladwin and Maxwell Tyler.

Speaker 9 Original music composed by James Whittle. The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios by Tom Guillieron and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 11 A single blade of grass

Speaker 21 rising up in pithling,

Speaker 11 accurately measured.

Speaker 28 Oh, Noggins, your achievements were multifold.

Speaker 28 Such a pity that you died before you got old.

Speaker 36 Oh, Noggins, the things you've done know where to start.

Speaker 36 You touched so many lives

Speaker 3 and you've broken so many hearts.

Speaker 28 Probably from what we've heard, you'll hide the guy.

Speaker 28 Oh,

Speaker 28 admittedly,

Speaker 28 we never met while you were alive.

Speaker 28 Despite that, we're confident you were quite right.

Speaker 44 Cause why else would your memorial have this much dry eyes?

Speaker 28 We never saw a difference in the grass

Speaker 11 Most likely'cause the job we told you did was first class

Speaker 44 Although we feel bad for not seeing you more

Speaker 11 Until it's gone you don't know what you had

Speaker 28 me

Speaker 28 for

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