Belize w/ Andy Haynes | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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I knew that you were not going to be one of my friends that was like going to want to meet my baby or any of that.

Dude, I didn't see Norman's.

And I was like, dude, I haven't seen the place.

I got to send me a place.

And he's like, yeah, how about this?

And I was like, oh, I'm so excited.

And then I realized later and I wrote by, I was like, oh, also your child.

Yeah.

I just can't fake it.

Yeah, I did not expect that from you at all.

I was like, yeah, Ari doesn't care about kids.

Ari doesn't want to meet kids.

If anything,

I wouldn't say disappointed in you.

It's off-putting to me.

I'm like, oh, well, my friend has less availability now.

I could tell.

That's not helping my life.

That's hurting my life.

I could tell when I told you, because we had like, it was like a new friendship, kind of, and you were kind of like, ah, well, this won't last long.

You were like, he won't be as available as.

Yeah, just not going to be.

It's not even, like, I've been through it before.

Yeah.

Some friends have had it.

They're just.

And then you have friends that are

cancellations

that are just like, you're like, wow, you're available quite a bit.

Did you drink on a Wednesday?

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Really?

Isn't your wife?

Where's the baby?

Currently, wife.

Yeah.

You're like, oh, right, okay.

Yeah, there's a lot of that.

You ever seen one of those relationships?

You're like, oh, man, I can't believe how much freedom you have in this.

And then two months later, they're like, we're getting divorced.

It's like, oh, I thought you had worked it out.

You didn't work it out.

Every single open relationship is

just a precursor to a divorce.

Every time somebody's like, we're going open, you're like, all right, well, in three months, you're going to be divorced.

Going open.

That's like getting a dog to save their marriage.

We're having a kid.

We're about to get divorced.

Now we're having kids.

Like, oh, so that kid will have split parents?

Yeah.

That kid's going to live in two places.

That's smart.

Where you been and where are you going?

This is our Reese Travel Show.

Yeah, we're going to talk about travel today.

It's you'll be tripping.

Yeah.

Welcome to you be tripping, everybody.

It's a travel podcast every week.

It's a different guest who's been somewhere.

I was telling my guest today is Andy Haynes.

He's got a new travel series out, which is cool, called what?

Around the World and Andy Haynes.

Love a fucking Edinburgh punny title.

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

My favorites are

there was Joe Lysett.

And his title was That's the Way.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Joe Lysett.

I like that.

That's fun.

There's so many good ones.

Around the World and Andy Haynes.

You can find it available right now on YouTube.

Today's podcast is the only podcast that

staunchly is against hot dogging on the the mountains.

Both myself and Andy are avid skiers.

Andy is, I believe, the best skier in comedy.

Possibly?

Possibly, yeah.

There's a competition from Lucas Celnick.

He's good.

He went to Ski Academy.

So did you?

No, I didn't.

I went to ski camp.

He went to, like, he lived in Switzerland or something.

Okay, well, let's see it.

Let's see it.

But anyway, regardless, no hot dogging, everybody.

Have fun, stay in line, and leave the hot dogging to the fucking

songs.

Take that shit to Coolier's Cooliat, or whatever it's called.

Corvette's Cool Art.

Corvette's Cool Art.

Yeah, that's where hot dogging belongs.

Yeah, exactly.

Keep it out of Colorado.

No, I have stuff marked for recommendations.

So when I meet someone from an area or when I'm

or when I'm skiing, that's where you always meet the Argentinians and the Chileans.

Yeah, yeah.

And they go, give me a recommendation.

They go, Buenos Aires.

I'm like, no, no, man.

I know you're from there.

I'm saying, tell me one specific restaurant or a nearby hike that you locals go to or a swimming hole.

Yeah, something cool that you guys go to.

I wouldn't say come to New York.

I'd be like, oh, hey, Joe's Pizza and Moneta is my favorite if you're in the West Village.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the version of that.

So this guy told me about an island in Honduras.

That's the Bay Islands, yeah.

Those are the, it's the number one place in the world to see a whale shark.

What?

More than the Philippines?

Yeah, it's the number one, it's the number one whale shark location.

Like, I remember back in the day,

who's the guy that owned the Seahawks that was a Microsoft

Paul.

Paul Allen would park his yacht there every summer and then, like, helicopter in from Tagusigalpa or wherever.

Wow.

He probably flew private.

That's also, I think one of those islands is, like, now, like, one of those, like, creepy crypto,

like, like, Roatan or one of them is like.

That's Roatan Island.

Yeah.

So I think one of those is

like a community of crypto entrepreneurs like created like a

like a like a fake city on one of them.

That only operates on crypto?

Probably where everybody has their money in crypto.

You know about Bitcoin Beach?

No.

In El Salvador?

Oh, well, yeah, yeah.

La Liberdad, right?

Formerly La Liberdad.

I think.

Possibly.

Yeah.

Crypto Beach.

Turner was telling about it, and then he went and investigated it because 60 Minutes, like, they only accept Bitcoin here.

And then Turner went.

You know, Turner Sparks?

No.

I don't like Suzanne.

He used to live in Shanghai.

Oh.

Suzhou.

I probably met him, yeah.

New York Comedy Club mostly.

He goes there and goes, there's no internet.

So they can't accept Bitcoin because they can't get on the internet.

It's this dream.

It's so sad.

It's like saying skatewalking is illegal in New York.

It's like a money laundering thing.

Yeah,

I've been kind of all around.

You're actually a great traveler.

I think people should know that.

There's like probably, you know,

I don't know, five to 20 of us who actually go places and really, you know, get in and get your hands dirty.

Yeah.

I don't want to go to, like, I had to go to the Dominican Republic for my brother's 40th a couple years ago.

Yeah.

And we went to the Hard Rock Resort.

How many trans hookers did you fuck?

Like 11.

Under 100 or over 100?

11.

Okay.

11.

No, but there was Punta Cana.

Yeah.

And it was like, I just got off the plane, I went to the resort, and then I never, like, I didn't see the Dominican Republic.

I just stayed, and I hated it.

I don't understand how people travel like that.

Yeah, I went to Santo Domingo.

Yeah.

Is that the name of the big city there?

I think so, Santo Domingo.

And I'm bad with, I don't know, long COVID or whatever, but like membering names.

But people are like, why don't you go to Punta Cana?

And I'm like, I don't know if I can resort.

Suck.

Yeah, I'm,

yeah, cigar stores and like fucking.

Yeah, you want to see fucking cock fights and you want to find out what they told me to be careful by the Male Con, by the boardwalk.

Really?

Be careful.

It's dangerous.

And I go, okay.

And then some of me takes those advice and some of me goes, I'm big.

Every single time I go to Latin America or like previously because I was younger, like when I went to Brazil, when I went to like Bogota, places like that, when I went all over, I basically hitchhiked through Central America and

everybody was always like, you got to get security.

You got to like stay away from this.

And then you would go to the places and it was just like very obvious who was going to rob you if you fucked with them.

Yeah, it's like a guy that comes up and he's like, what's up, American?

Cocaina.

And you're like, yeah, I'm not going down to Alley.

going to alley.

Yeah.

Hey, what's he?

Can you take me a tour of these dark alleys?

Anyway, the locals were like, hey, be careful in the Malikon.

That's where it's dangerous.

You don't want to go there.

And I'm like, okay, but there was once a guard place that was highly rated and that was the way to go.

And I didn't want to walk all the way around the city.

And I was like, I'm going.

And I'm going.

It's dark.

They go, just say daytime.

And it was dark.

And I went.

And then all of a sudden, running at me are all these trans hookers.

And I'm like, oh, that's what you meant.

That's what you meant.

Be careful.

You're going to make a mistake that you can't come back from.

They're running at you.

They're like, hey, hey, what are you doing here?

You were like, obviously looking for.

Dude, that's a really strong gate.

That guy's that gal is physical.

It's like, yeah, you're doing the wind-resistant thing where you're going up this way and then down that way.

You're like, wow, you could be a sprinter.

Yeah,

I got.

pickpocketed on the Malikone in Havana.

Really?

Yeah, I was like 15 years old.

I was by myself.

I was drunk.

And a hooker came up and just

talked to me.

And that's all it took.

You know, once you got a boner, you can't really feel your pants.

And I was drunk.

I mean, I was like, I was stumbling around Havana, like barely, barely conscious.

Me and Bobby's Casa guy was like talking about crime.

And he goes, They don't do it because it's like violent crime.

He goes, I got robbed.

He goes, in fairness, they stole my phone.

I was drunk.

I shouldn't have been.

And his wife goes, that's right, you were.

Anyway,

It was so funny.

It's like awesome.

It's not the first time I've heard this.

But you went to Belize.

When did you go to Belize?

So, when I was a

junior in college, I got no stamps in Belize.

No, I can tell you some places to go.

Okay.

When I was a junior in college, I did my thesis in Central America.

I studied religion, and I was doing my thesis on all, oh, I guess Amazonian and

Christian.

No, it's like basically basically like looking at Catholicism and

Pentecostalism or evangelicalism and comparing like predominantly those religions and the success of popular revolutions.

So my thesis was that Catholicism lended itself to more successful popular revolutions because it was a more community, less profit-driven.

And also

Protestantism is millenarian and kind of Calvinistic and it preaches,

this is not funny, but it preaches

self-sacrifice and like suffering.

You know, like you will suffer.

Like, that's the Protestants of America and Western Europe.

You suffer in this lifetime to go to eternal heaven.

That's why like, you know, when you look at like old school pilgrims and that shit, they were just like, yeah, this suffer more.

This sucks.

I fucking, I live in this swamp and I'm, you know, covered in lesions, but this is all for God.

I was fighting with Shane once, fighting, but arguing about stuff, you know, both of us yelling about stuff we don't really understand.

Yeah.

And he was talking about the IRA and Ireland and how Christianity is great.

You know, look at England, look in Spain, look at all these countries that are doing so well.

He goes, name me one country where Christianity is a religion where they're not doing great financially.

And we're like, Guatemala, Colombia, Ecuador,

pretty much anywhere south of Mexico City is all bad.

And all of, I mean,

the Philippines, half of Africa.

What are you talking about?

There's like four countries that are doing well that's fucking Christian.

What are you talking about?

Like, all these places are Christian.

It's just, there was like one group of guys that really set themselves up in like 1540.

Just this area is doing well.

Yeah.

It's got nothing to do with Christianity.

Yeah, I mean, we're not Christian.

We're fucking capitalists.

Hey, guys, let me break into today's episode to tell you about Andy Haynes.

He's a great comic.

He's a good friend of mine.

He's the best skier.

He says the second best skier now in stand-up comedy.

But also, he's got a new travel show, and that's what you guys should be concerned with here called Around the World at Andy Haynes.

The first episode just dropped today.

It's about Guatemala.

He goes to these places.

It's not like this we just talked about.

He actually goes to them.

Andy Haynes is actually a great traveler.

He's actually been to a ton of places and really, like, you know what they say?

Like, you're going to go to a place and just talk to white people, which I don't think is wrong.

I think it's like, yeah, I'm going to meet Germans and stuff.

I'm going to meet other travelers.

I'm not trying to meet somebody in Myanmar.

What do you ever talk to a Burmese person?

First of all, they're the ugliest chicks in the world.

Yeah, it's Burma.

It's Myanmar.

Shortest people in the world, Guatemala.

And people go like, they go out there and they go to these Mayan ruins and they go like, what happened, though?

What happened to the Mayans when they disappeared?

And they're no longer, like, they had these beautiful, like built-up ruins.

You can see all this in Andy Haynes.

New travel show.

Around the world in Andy Haynes.

It's available at

youtube.com slash at Andy Haynes, H-A-Y-N-E-S.

Everybody, go subscribe to that right now.

But you see these ruins, you're like, what happened to the Mayans?

And then if you look to your left, there's some man who's five foot four wearing a t-shirt, and he's going, senor, I am Mayan.

I am right here.

Yeah, they didn't leave.

They just put on t-shirts and built cities.

They're actually still there.

It's Mayans.

It's Guatemala's.

They're Mayans.

We were going to live them at the fucking grass skirt the whole, like, their entire, with no electricity.

They're Mayans, guys.

They're not fucking weirdos.

They want, you know, fans.

So they do that.

Andy Haynes is going to be appearing on the road.

You can get all of his tickets at punchup.live/slash Andy Haynes

at the end of August.

Moncton, New Brunswick, Halifax, Nova Scotia,

Indianapolis, Indiana, Dayton, Cleveland, Ontario.

No, Toronto, Ontario.

Hamilton, Ontario.

Oh, I get it.

Toronto and Hamilton.

Oh, he's doing levity.

Damn.

He's doing the comedy bar in Toronto.

Anyway, get tickets right now at i

uh no at

punchup.live slash andy hands but guys so here's the deal he's also got a patreon patreon.com slash i am andy haines and he is crowdsourcing the next episode of around the world and andy hands he's making it on his own so sign up for his patreon right now patreon.com slash i am andy haines the you'd be tripping patreon has been shut down so now that you have extra time in your hands and extra money go support andy and he actually is going to go somewhere in the world with with

that money.

His little video.

I wonder if we can show that video.

Maybe a piece of it.

Maybe not.

But

you're pretty much crowdsourcing his next trip that he's going to make a video for.

It's pretty cool.

And also, at very minimum, go watch that first episode.

Around the world to Andy Haynes.

He's a brand new travel blogger, and he's hilarious.

And you guys are like,

you know, watch it.

I'm going to watch it.

He takes you there.

It's one of those that takes you there.

Anyway, that's it.

Let's get back to the episode.

I personally have Ubi Trippin' shirts available on the website right now.

You be tripping stickers

that are out.

Six pack.

Two colors each.

Six total.

I want you to stick them on weird spots.

I stuck one right there.

You see it?

Yep.

Also, got Archer Cat shirts.

Go for a hike shirts.

Boom.

Stay positive shirts.

That's me.

It's my mom's favorite one.

one.

And

what's this?

We still are selling the shroom fest shirts for 2025.

Great design by Lee and Gwen.

Gwyn.

And they'll get there as soon as they can.

But celebrate Shroom Fest.

That's the last thing I have to promote, September 6th, 7th, and 8th, guys.

Wherever you are,

make sure to take some mushrooms.

It's a big mushroom holiday.

Everyone in the world.

world, or really around the world, is going to participate.

Take mushrooms.

That's all you got to do to participate.

Find one.

That's a Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.

It's the longest day of moonlight on a weekend in the summer in the northern hemisphere.

So join up.

It's the best time.

Walk around.

Go to Joshua Retreat.

Go somewhere and walk around by moonlight.

Anyway, that's it, everybody.

Please subscribe wherever you're watching or listen.

Let's get back to the episode.

Belize.

This is a good one.

So I went to Belize, yeah.

Okay.

So I had a, I had a, I, I, I went all over the Central America.

I went to Guatemala.

I went to El Salvador.

I went to Nicaragua.

If you want to show anything

whenever you want, but

Here, I'll show you.

So

we won't put in any of your home shit.

It won't come up until you come up.

But

so

I went all over this area.

Wait, turn sideways.

See if it does anything.

Yeah.

Way better.

Okay.

So

ex out of Belize.

Mainly lived in

this Lake Atitlan.

Wait, in Guatemala.

Yeah.

That's for sure.

um and that's where i spent most of my time but we went on a trip to go we had like you know no like set schedule i just had to kind of go to these places and interview people and kind of talk to um

you know different people about the the revolutions or that kind of stuff interesting but um we took a bus up to where's to cal um it's back here yeah so we took a bus up to here and we went to tocal and we

you know, I was how do you say it?

Tikal.

Oh.

Yeah, Takal, Tikal.

I don't know.

I think it's probably Tikal.

But

this is Flores and Flores is still Guatemala, but there's a little Flores is actually awesome because there's the whole town, but then you really just chill.

That island.

That little island.

And it feels,

it kind of feels like Europe.

Like it's like, it's like all this colonial buildings and it's really like romantic and really cool.

and um i remember that night we got super wasted and we went out to this club and i gave them a traveler's check and they tore it and then they were like it's not acceptable and then we threw such a fit that they let us in for free cover and then just like fed us booze but in eastern guatemala and belize there's a ethnic group called the garifuna and the garifuna are african slaves that jumped off the ships and went into the jungle and survived in belize yeah Yeah.

And they have their own culture.

And they have this kind of music called Punta Rock.

And we went to a Punta Rock concert there.

And then we were like, Belize sounds kind of awesome.

So we spent a couple days in Tikal.

What?

Tikal was gnarly, dude.

We went out in the middle of the night and saw like, you know, the most poisonous snake in the world.

I forget what it's called.

And like tarantulas and fucking, we were like, we were like wasted.

We were not supposed to be there.

Like, what happened to the mines?

Like, I can see.

Yeah, exactly.

We were not supposed to be there either at night.

We like snuck in and we're like walking along this berm between these two swamps.

And we don't speak Spanish yet.

Like, we're, I hadn't learned Spanish yet.

I wasn't fluent at least.

And there's these signs, and it's cuidado coco drillo.

And we keep on laughing.

We're like, Coco Drillo, what's a coco drillo?

It's a crocodile.

We were just walking through crocodile swamps, wasted out of our mind, smoking the worst weed that you've ever come across.

Well, the fun thing about weed is

you get reset pretty quick.

It doesn't matter.

Wait, that island, I remember looking to it.

I couldn't get out there because they only had like 10 days, and I'm like, I didn't realize they had a plane, but I'm like, I'm not spending 10 hours to get out there and then 10 hours to get back.

Yeah, most of the travel I did was on like basically like luxury kind of greyhounds.

And

it was nice.

I mean, it was like a good way to travel, but it took fucking forever.

And I also did the chicken buses a lot, which are like the American school buses.

Okay.

I'm going to be a good host here.

We got to get to Belize.

Yeah.

This is what happens a lot, especially on a double trip like this, where you're like.

Well, yeah, so we on a lark, we go, we're going to go to

Belize.

Okay.

So we stop first in this place.

We have to take like basically like local, like here-to-here buses.

There's not like a through bus.

And we get off in this town called here, San Ignacio,

which

I think I saw it a second ago it's right here it's it's somewhere in here but it's like uh

it's like

here it is it's it's like san ignacio not there's no tourism here

it's just it's just people living there on the edge of this giant jungle there's a lot of guatemalan mayans There's a lot of other kind of ethnic groups.

And then there's,

you know, like

Belize is predominantly black.

Belize is black?

Yeah, it's predominantly black.

And they speak with a patois, like a, it sounds like Jamaican English, like a Creole.

And then

they also have, like, it's part of the Commonwealth, the British Commonwealth.

So there's a lot of like Chinese, Indian.

My favorite thing about Latin America is that you'll go into a Chinese store.

This is my very favorite thing.

You go to a Chinese store and you'll think like, oh, like he's going to speak.

You just don't know how he's going to speak.

And like, then he'll go like this.

He'll be like, como, está.

And it's like, it's like the golden child in Spanish.

It's fucking amazing.

But this town was like, it felt like we were like in the old west.

I mean, it was.

There's nothing there?

There was just, I mean, I think there's probably like ecotourism around there, but the town itself was like not even really that scary.

We had machetes on us the whole time.

We traveled with machetes throughout Central America.

Just to kind of like be imposing.

That's kind of the main driver.

Actually, I think that last picture on the left is the hotel we stayed in.

Right there.

That?

Yeah, that's the hotel we stayed in.

Wow.

What?

This shit is breaking down as I'm packing up.

It's so perfect.

Yeah.

Come on, bro.

There you go.

But

we got some weed off this guy.

We found this guy, and he tried to hustle us for like two days.

It was so amazing.

To buy weed?

Well, we got the weed, but then he kept on trying to like hustle us to try to get us to do more stuff.

And he kept on like creating these like diversions where he'd be like, We got to go out here to get the weed.

And also, I need the money up front type of thing.

I think my buddy Jake ended up buying him shoes as like he was like, I don't have cash.

He was like, All right, just go buy me a pair of sneakers.

And he had a big ass scar where he'd been chopped with a machete.

And I think the impression I got was that like he had been like

a guy that had tried to be kind of a hustler in in this town and he'd gotten his shit served by real gangsters um

so anyways we bought some bad weed and it worked i mean it was it was but that my friends i'd never done mushrooms at this point i was only like 22 or 23 but my friends were like we want to do mushrooms and so

they go to this guy who bought us the who sold us the weed who was like essentially

22 23 what junior in college that yeah i i took years off to ski

it's so funny they're like, the stupidity of, like, I'll tell a criminal that I'm going to be inebriated soon.

Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

And also,

in the middle of, like, this is like, there's, there's nothing here.

Like, this is like, it would be very easy for us to go missing.

Yeah.

And Belize is a very lawless place.

If you remember, this is where the guy from Norton.

What's his name?

What the fuck can you say?

The guy who like killed his neighbor, the famous.

Banger Sloot?

No, no,

the creator of Norton, the oh, yeah, the one who used to get like people shit on him through a hammock, John, what's his name?

What's that guy's name?

I think he's dead now, maybe

Peter Norton, no.

Um, just look Belize.

It's not Norton, look Belize.

Oh, John McAfee.

There it is.

John McAfee.

Yeah, so it's John McAfee.

And

so he lived in Belize for the last part of his life.

I think he got extradited, probably or came back to the U.S.

and got him.

Yeah, for what?

What are they extradited for?

His neighbor poisoned, or he poisoned his neighbor's dog, or his neighbor poisoned his dog, and then he killed his neighbor.

But that's not why they extradited him for like, you're fucking with people

through your programs, right?

Yeah, yeah.

You're allowing people to do stuff we don't want.

But they were kind of looking for like anything

to, you know, they just wanted to get him because he was being too much of a nuisance.

And, you know, I think when rich people like that are, like, when a billionaire is going through a manic episode, I think the CIA probably goes, you gotta.

He's actually trouble.

Oh, yeah, died by suicide in a Spanish prison.

Suicide.

Right.

Yeah, suicide, I bet.

Anyways, I'll get to that.

So my friends, they go, we want to buy mushrooms.

And the guy who like looks like a street person

goes, yeah, I'll get you some mushrooms.

And he goes into the jungle and he picks a cap like this.

And it's covered in mud.

It's this size.

And he gives it to them in a plastic bag and he goes, yeah, they're like different down here.

So like just, you know, just, it's, it's a mushroom.

And so a couple days later.

What?

Yeah, we, we take.

He picks that cap.

It's this big.

It like out of a swamp.

It looks like.

It's perfect.

This is plaster or something with some fan scent, but like the size of a friend.

This would be a massive one.

The size of a frisbee.

This would be a massive one.

He was like, they just look different down here.

Wow.

But it wasn't.

There's more to this story.

This was not.

Oh, okay.

These were not hallucinic mushrooms.

These were just poisonous mushrooms.

He just sold them.

Who gives a shit?

We gave him $40.

That's a lot of money to him.

So we take it.

What?

Yeah.

We take a bus from San Ignacio to Belize City.

Belize City is...

Belize is beautiful.

It's got some of those beautiful coral islands called Keys.

If you go to Key Calker.

Belize City is right next to Key Calker.

Oh, wow, it's right there.

Yeah.

We just take a bus and we spend the night in Belize City.

But Belize City, if you pull out a little bit.

Yeah, there's Key Calker right there.

No, no, actually pull out a little bit.

It's the one beyond it to the right.

I think.

Is Key Kalker?

No, no, Key Calker.

Yeah, it's right there at the top of that little chain.

Yeah, right there.

Cave Kalka's

Key Calka.

Yeah.

But Belize City is like...

Hell on earth.

It's like they say you can't leave your apartment at night.

You can't leave your hotel at night because because the gang violence is too bad.

They had the Crips and the Bloods.

And literally all over Belize City, these little bodega stores were selling t-shirts with either Tupac or Biggie on them.

And that was the different gangs.

No, what?

Yeah, because they got BET.

So they...

They got what?

B-E-T.

Oh, the channel, B-E-T.

Because it's predominantly black.

Like,

they relate to

African Americans.

You can see that when you see, like, in France, like, by the Seine, and they're like rapping and stuff.

Break dancing.

But it's like you're doing it in France.

This is borrowed toughness.

Well, I was talking to somebody about this because I was in Amsterdam last week, and there was like, I walked past like a black barber shop, and it was like the exact same aesthetic, like dudes being like, getting their hair corn row, acting like they're like in the middle of Queens kind of thing.

And I was like, you're next to a canal where there's chocolate waffles.

Like, you're not.

Yeah.

You're not a tough.

Shut up, Pierre, dog.

That was Caprilla's bit.

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Now get out of the way!

But

yeah, anyways, we go to fucking Key Cocker, and

we had a lot of bad drug energy.

Wait, did you take the poisonous mud?

We get to Key Calker.

Cut that.

That's fine.

No, no, you can keep it.

Okay, okay, keep it.

We get to Key Cocker.

And my friends, this is the, I think it's our first night there.

By the way, Belize has the most delicious beer that's made by the Belizean government.

It's called Belican.

They have two kinds.

They have an ale and a stout.

The stout is one of the most delicious beers I've ever had.

Yeah, it's the corrected spelling.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

I absolutely loved it, and I don't drink anymore, but if you do drink, you should definitely drink that Belican.

You got a black and tan already in a bottle.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Because it's a British Commonwealth, so they have a lot of the stuff from like the English, Irish.

Oh, look, they got the ruins on the cover?

Yeah, because there's a lot of Mayan ruins there, too.

I love the idea of people like, what happened to the Mayans?

And it's like, you see all these short Guatemalans.

Like, we're here.

We just wear t-shirts now.

Yeah.

We're still here.

Yeah, they're here.

We just are all over the place.

We left the stone structures.

We live in apartments.

We're fine.

We're here.

Yeah.

It's the same in.

I haven't been to the part of the world where the Quechua live, but you've been there.

Yeah, they're like, we're here.

But it's got Mayans.

They disappeared one day.

It's like, they just moved out of the no-electricity.

Yeah, they got out of the pyramids and they moved in.

They're still playing human head football.

They're like, eh,

let's go with an electricity.

Human head football.

When they try to explain that sport, it's the most confusing ball sport.

It's like you use your hips or something.

But anyway, so we're on this beautiful beach.

Yeah.

And

it's the most like kind of there's a coral reef like 100 yards off of this beach.

There's beautiful animals everywhere.

We're eating amazing seafood.

We're going snorkeling.

And my friends are like, we should take the mushrooms.

And so they, I'm not going to do this as my first mushrooms.

They just found mushrooms in the forest, which you still believe are magic mushrooms.

They do.

Yeah.

You don't?

Well, I don't know anything, but I'm not going to make this my first mushroom experience.

I just,

I would have trusted the guy who got them.

I know you would have.

Yeah.

But they took like big bite out of both.

They were like, we don't know the dosage.

Let's just take a bite, see what happens.

And they threw up and shit

for 24 hours straight

in our hotel room.

Like, just

and I kept on being like, guys, I think you're really sick.

We got to go to the hospital.

They're like, no, you can't.

We'll get arrested.

Don't do it.

And so I just had to sit there watching them.

shit and barf and shit and barf and like

roll around in their beds going like

and i'm and but like you step outside the the door and it's like you're in paradise.

It's also, you know, like the weather outside today.

It's like 100 fucking two degrees and humid.

Yeah, it was, it was miserable.

Mosquitoes?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

But that was our, that was like our first of four nights.

And, um, wow, that's so funny.

They just ate poisonous mushrooms.

Yeah.

Give it up for the fucking nerd for once, winning.

Yeah, it was like the one time that I've been like, I'm going to sit this out.

I think that's because usually people go, well, what if something bad?

What if it's bad?

What if it's bad?

What if it's like, what if?

And I go, no, no, the what if is, what if I don't take this and it would have been a great time?

Yeah, that's the what if.

Well, that happened later on that trip where Kibby, one of the friends of mine that was on this trip, who's been on all my trips basically, and also did his whole life has been trips afterwards.

He kind of set the precedent for himself to always, he got stabbed in the stomach in Chile with a seven-inch blade and almost died.

Like, he's, he's, he'd be a good guest.

He's insane.

But

he later on on on that trip, we were in Nicaragua and these Italian anarchists were like, hey, we're going to make mescaline.

And they like cut down cactuses and made mescaline by shaving it.

And I was like, I'm too scared to take it.

And he took it and he said it was like one of the most magical experiences of his life.

And I totally regret that because it would have been amazing.

He said he was like on the beach and he like reached up and he was touching the moon with like, you know, like physically touching the moon.

And I'm sitting there like jerking off in a tent.

Rhodes told me a story about him and Hedberg Hedberg used to hang out.

Yeah.

And they would always talk about heroin.

And this is before either of them had done it.

I don't think Rhodes ever did it.

And then they talked about, like, I don't want to shoot up anything.

And they were like, agreed.

That's junky behavior.

Yeah.

And then, and then Hedberg was like, hey, I found some.

You smoke it.

And he goes, oh, so we don't have to shoot up so we can do it.

No, you know what it did to Hedberg.

Yeah.

And Rhodes is like, I don't know, man.

I'm reading a lot of rock documentaries, rock, like rock biographies, and heroin's always the beginning of the third act.

Yeah, yeah.

That's it, it never, you don't come back from that one.

Yeah, but he said he was like, okay, well, he goes, I'll be here with you while you take it.

And he did, and he goes, he just goes, Tom, you got to do this.

It's the greatest.

Yeah.

Tom, you got to join.

It's so nice.

He just kept saying how wonderful it was.

Yeah.

Some of those joys, if you're in an audio, you're just like, damn, that looks nice.

Yeah, I mean, Harris talked about

the Pete Holmes podcast.

He said the second that he plunged into his vein, he'd been smoking opioids for years.

He said the second he plunged, he knew he was gonna be addicted for the rest of his life.

Wow, it was that good of a feeling.

Wow.

Maybe when I like get terminal, you know, when I'm old.

That's the thing is, like, people go, when I'm old, I'll do it.

But then you're like, no, you have to know how little time you have.

Even when you're 75, you're like, I might still have 25 years left.

Yeah, you can't become a junkie for your grandkids.

You have to know.

You've got six months left.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you rock out.

Rock out.

Anyways, so we're on this island.

We meet these guys who like operate out of this little.

And by the way, right above it is Amber Giesque, and that's where John McAfee did all of his troublemaking.

Amber Giesque, San Pedro, is kind of like more touristy.

It's like, yeah, there's resorts and stuff there.

Key Cocker is a little bit like...

tiny hotels.

There's some stuff going on there, but it's like a little less developed.

It's also these things are like

four feet off of sea level.

So if a storm comes through, everything gets blown over.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, like they've multiple times had to rebuild entire islands.

Key Calker actually is split in half because a hurricane tore out half of the island in like a sandbar.

Wow.

You can see it right there.

Oh, like right there?

Yeah, in the middle.

That used to be connected, but a hurricane came in.

But anyways, these guys.

Oh, my God.

What was the name of this?

There was like a

Lazy Lizard.

I don't know.

I think you're

with a paddock to get there.

Yeah.

It's awesome.

That's where our hotel was.

In the Lazy Lizard?

It was like next door to it.

We were on that split.

Whoa.

Oh, there it is.

There's a split.

We were right there.

That's where those guys were barfing and shitting.

Like, that was what I looked at.

Well, wow, one, another one.

Yeah.

There they are.

Your friends.

I heard the barf still floats today.

It's still, you can still smell it.

But we met these guys and

split.

Split the split.

Wow.

Oh, yeah, because I think there's like a thing to like, if you swim across it fast enough, you get like a free beer or some shit like that.

And there's like tons of sharks and shit.

But we met these guys that like ran

like this bar and they were like, do you want to go on a day trip?

And so they took us out on their boat and we were just smoking.

They didn't care if we smoked pots.

We were just like smoking tons of pot.

We bought pot from this really elderly roster guy named the Kingsman.

And he was real surly.

Like you'd go and he was like, the kingsman, I want you to smoke.

You know, like, just like, just like giving you shit the whole time.

Yeah.

But so we got on the boat with them.

And the weirdest detail about this is it's all these young Belizean guys.

And there's just this girl on the boat who's like 15 and she doesn't speak English.

She only speaks Spanish.

And she's like, I'm from Honduras.

And

by the end of the trip, like they made us lunch.

We went snorkeling.

We hung out all day.

It was great.

But we realized that she was like a sex worker that they had brought along on the boat just in case we wanted anything.

Nobody needed any.

Yeah.

Like they just were like, if you guys need wine, we got it.

If you need strange, we got it.

Just

obviously none of us imbibed, but

it was very bizarre to just be like, oh, the child, there's a

also on our day cruise.

Yeah.

They didn't say it.

They were just like, oh, this is, you know, rosalita or whatever um

but

one fun thing about that day cruise hey what's the deal with rosalita well let's go down here

come under the boat um

one fun thing is we were snorkeling and they they brought you to this place where all the nurse sharks and the rays fed and one of the guys was like hey just so you know like the the sharks can't bite you they don't have like sharp teeth they're like they have like baleen or something they don't the nurse sharks are just like have like a vegetarian mouth.

I don't know what you call it.

Do you know what I mean?

They don't have teeth.

So he was like, just so you know, like, if you want to scare your friend.

Go in there.

So Kibby, we're all stoned out of our mind, but we just pushed him in.

All these sharks are feeding.

These sharks are just feeding.

And he's standing on the edge watching it.

And we just pushed him in.

And he was like,

and we were just dying laughing.

It was like,

one of the best jokes to this day.

because you're looking at him like it's so dangerous that i'm safely on this platform this boat i'm okay and then as you're going it's just like no like he was like he thought we were he he was high you killed me he thought we were trying to kill him in his mind like that was his first thought was that we'd like had we had planned to kill him oh my god um

and then um

so anyways like we we hung out with these guys a lot And they were kind of like our guides.

And we went out with them that day.

And then we would go back to their beach.

I think think it was called the I and I the bar that they ran and it was kind of like an awesome bar because it was like a Swiss family Robinson like where it like had like kind of a tree fort layout like where you like climbed up the steps and walked across a rope bridge and there was like different like hangouts.

But the kingsman hung out there.

That's where we met the kingsman and the kingsman

had sold us a really good bag of weed and then we smoked it all and then we were like, let's go get some more weed.

And we went and he got us like this really small bag.

And we were kind of like, what's up?

Like, you know, and he's like, Shut up, boy,

you ride bike like a girl, you know, just like talking shit.

And we, what are we gonna do to this elderly rosta on this, you know, island?

Like, we're not gonna like hold him, you know, like demand our money back.

But, anyways, we see him later at the bar and we go, like, hey, man, like, what was up with that?

Like, why'd you short us?

And he goes, you know what?

The kingsman gonna, the kingsman gonna let you have some of the expansive smoke.

And so he rolled a joint and we're like, thank God, let's finally get high.

And I see my friend take a hit and I go, that's a weird face to make.

And then I took a hit and I realized there is no weed in this at all.

It's, I can tell there's tobacco, but the rest of the flavor is kind of like a marshmallow feel in my mouth.

And I'm like, all right, whatever.

What, maybe the weed's really bad.

And then we do another rotation and I do it again and I'm like, this is fucking bizarre.

And I go, what is this?

And he goes, that's when you cook the cocaine up into rock.

We were smoking crack.

Yeah.

And we were like in paradise smoking crack.

And I remember going, like, ugh, like, I'd never done cocaine at this point in my life.

And right to crack.

My first cocaine experience was crack.

Blow and went to crack.

Skipped it all.

Just right to crack.

You blew past blow.

Yeah.

Past my nose, right in my lungs.

Not even free base.

I went right to rock.

I went right to rock.

But we,

my friends who had done a little bit of Coke, I go, I'm, no, thank you.

And I go, are you guys going to keep?

And they go, we already smoked a little crack.

What do you, you think the difference between a little crack and a lot of crack makes a big difference?

It's like when you fuck somebody and then like, when you were single and then like, and then like,

I don't know, the condom breaks, something like that.

It's like, wow, we can, we can just take it off now.

Yeah.

I'm already exposed to whatever you got.

Exactly.

I think I, uh, I slept with somebody and then like later on found out they had an STD, but I like a lifelong STD, you know, the one.

And

I was like, well,

I've already, you know, I've already played with the devil's abacus.

You know how many times, like in the moment, where I'm like, I'm just going to go really slow.

I'm going to not have any chafing during this.

Yeah.

That'll be my way.

And it's like, are you out of your, but in sober moments, you're like, well, I'll just have a no STD rule.

Yeah.

Without a condom.

Yeah,

you think you would hear that?

I mean, because most people won't tell you up front, but if somebody did tell you up front, you'd go, oh, okay, well, I don't need to do that.

But pussy always

tell you up front of you're already making out and stuff.

Yeah.

They don't tell you the day before when you actually have time to take some time to think about this.

Yeah, when you're horny, they're like, oh, just so you know.

And then you're like, well, fuck, I'm like.

I'm dead set on it.

Joe Rogan used to have a great bit about

the decisions you make when you're

horned up.

And so he goes, I want to.

He started a new campaign was jerk off first, then think about it.

Yeah.

Like, get that clear head.

And then we give all the examples.

He goes, jerk off first, then think about it.

Yeah.

All these things you do is because you just didn't just jerk off.

I

heard your friend's ex is coming on to you and you're like, oh, maybe I will.

And it's like, what am I doing?

Yeah, insane.

No way.

I remember I used to drive to Costa Mesa.

I am so excited for this spa day.

Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

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From LA.

Because this girl

likes all

yeah.

And I was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense.

I would drive like 90 miles.

And it was just like, what am I doing?

What am I doing?

If you just jerked off, like, if I jerked off, it's like, I could have saved $45 in gas.

That was another crazy story.

Her dad was like a Kazakhstani oil magnet or something.

Her home had marble columns in it.

It was really insane.

Anyways.

So

I had a chick once in Nashville.

Sorry, go back to this.

No, no, go.

And she was like,

I was like, hey, I had the talk.

I was like, hey, do you have anything that I should know about?

I had

chlamydia twice, and I've had genital warts, whatever you say.

And then she goes, no.

And I'm like, and then just abortion talk, like, not that I'm trying to get you pregnant, but if you did, you would get rid of it.

She goes, oh, I would never have an abortion.

And I was like, oh.

I'm like,

all right, I'll just go a couple.

It was like so retarded.

Yeah.

I'm just going to go a couple strokes clean.

Yeah.

So dumb.

She's told me, oh, no, you will have a child with me if any pre-comp comes out and gets into my 23-year-old body, whatever it was.

The most fertile.

And I'm like,

all right, I'll risk it.

It's just like, you got your answer.

And you're still like, damn.

I mean, it's so funny because I ask.

I had a joke that I never really figured out, but it was just basically like, we think everything we're doing is like cool and interesting, but it's all our biology tricking us into sticking our dicks into, you know, it's like you, like, I work out, I got cool clothes, I do this cool job, yeah, and then it's like, what's the payoff?

And it's like that you get to have more sex and procreate more, procreate, yeah, you know, right, right.

I have all this money, I have this cool house, what do you do with it?

You get pussy and you procreate,

anyways.

Anyway, so um,

so we smoke crack, and

my friends smoke a lot more crack than me,

And

they spend the night.

This is two days after they've almost died from poisonous mushrooms.

Immediately to crack.

Immediately to crack.

Wow.

Fatal, poisonous mushrooms, straight to crack.

And then

they just chased street dogs for the whole night.

They were so high on crack that they just ran up and down the island, like playing with street dogs.

There was like street dogs everywhere.

And I'm like not that high.

So I'm just like, all right, this is insane.

I've already coached you guys through.

Dude, they're going to attack you also.

I'm a a touch scared of street dogs.

A woman died in Britain last week because a street dog scratched her, and 12 weeks later, the rabies set in.

Did not bite her, scratched her.

And 12 weeks later, the rabies took effect and she died.

12 weeks?

Last week.

Because I remember seeing there's no deaths from rabies for like almost 50, 60 years.

And now there's one.

Yeah, look up England.

I mean, this was like two

rabies.

What?

So she didn't get the shots?

Nope.

What?

Dies after puppy scratch.

During a trip to Morocco.

February the scratch died in early June.

Wow.

Isn't that terrifying?

Like, right now.

So, I mean, like, I say street dad all the time.

If you get a scratch, I thought it was just a bite.

Yeah.

I got, I was, like, red listening.

Slightly scratched by a stray puppy while on vacation to Morocco.

I was in, I heard this story last week, and then the next day I was walking through Amsterdam, and this woman had a puppy, and I was like, haha, puppy, and it scratched me and like gnawed on me a little bit.

And I was like, I'm going to fucking die.

In 12 weeks, I'm going to fucking die.

It's the new ring.

Puppies are the new ring.

It's strange because it was scratched.

I'm like, oh, yeah, it's a scrap.

I was just messing around.

I wouldn't think.

If I got bit by a wild kangaroo, you'd immediately go get the scrap.

It's like, I got a, I got bit.

Yeah.

It makes me want to just get the vaccine.

Oh, no, the vaccine, I just got it.

You did?

It buys you two days.

That's it?

That's it.

Wow.

It doesn't make you whatever.

It buys you some extra time to go get the 30 shots you got to get.

So that's the other thing.

It's not just like, well, I got bit by a dog.

I'll get it.

It's like, oh, I got to be very invasive and get a shitload of.

Is it 100% mortality rate?

I think so.

I think it is, too.

She didn't initially seek treatment for the scratch.

She began experiencing symptoms in early June, including a headache, and progressed to losing her ability to walk, talk, sleep, and swallow before her death on June 11th.

So like in a week's time, it went.

Yeah.

From first symptoms to death.

Yeah.

And she was fine.

There's videos.

She was diagnosed with rabies, later transferred to Royal Home

in Sheffield, and died anyway.

Yeah.

They say there's no risk to the general public as there's no evidence of human-to-human transmission.

However,

close contacts are being assessed and offered vaccinations as a precaution.

It's nearly always fatal once symptoms.

I can't even, it's the most terrifying shit in the world to think about that.

I probably fatal.

Vapor is very rare in the care, but it is nearly always fatal once symptoms appear.

Yeah.

Eight days ago.

In March, I probably pet a street dog.

I pet them all the time.

Yeah.

Because they're nice and friendly ones.

Yeah.

I didn't even think about it.

And now it's like, that was 12 weeks ago.

That was March.

I'm going to die next week.

Yeah, you're going to.

Because it can't help but scratch you.

UK's first rabies case in its century.

That's UK.

More control.

2025, a Michigan man died.

Okay.

An organ transplant.

Oh, interesting.

What did he get the organ from?

2024, California RT died from rabies after a bat bite.

Rabies.

Bat bite.

A bat, I can see.

After a bat bite.

Bats are the number one.

Bats are the number one.

Really?

Yeah.

I always thought rabid dogs.

Yeah, they said bats are the number one carriers slash transmitter.

Look at all these deaths are bat.

But they said, here's what they said.

They said

if you bat bites are so

like small and almost like painless they picture in the night they said that if you wake up

if you have a kid and the kid is in a room with a bat and and you like are and you don't you you haven't monitored them that you should just take them assume they've been bitten and that they are they're exposed to rabies

yeah

so

yeah pretty fucking terrifying that's crazy what a crazy way to die It's also weird that we haven't fucking figured that one out.

There's a couple of those ones out there where it's like, oh, it just kills you no matter what.

I got the rabies vaccine when I went to

Southeast Asia.

Yeah.

They're like, yeah.

And then my friend's like, doesn't really bother you much.

I looked into it more and it does.

It goes from like, you have like

24 or 48 hours, you have like, you have like an extra two days.

And they go, listen, if you're deep in a jungle where it might be harder to go get somewhere with a rabies shot, that one extra day or two extra days is pretty vital.

Yeah.

But that's the only time it matters.

Pretty much if you get bitten and you're near any major city, in fact, I was in the middle of nowhere, Thailand, and some chick got bitten by

some sort of monkey and she was right then,

down a dirt road hospital for a raby shot.

So they have them there.

So that vaccine wouldn't have helped her in any way.

Was there any side effects from that one?

Like, did you feel sick?

No, from your rabies vaccine?

I can't separate them in my mind.

All the different vaccines

that got vaccinated for this trip I'm taking.

Would you take?

Which vaccine?

Dengue, I think.

Yeah.

Malaria, maybe yellow fever.

I don't know.

Do you guys not take

chicken gunya?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Do you not have to take larium anymore?

The malaria medicine?

Pills.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you done that?

Yeah, the dreams are.

The dreams are so insane.

They're so insane.

So.

The most vivid dreams in your life.

Story-driven.

Yeah.

Like long, plot-driven.

Like, you are the pilot of a

video game.

It's a lot of color.

There's no like, I'm floating.

I guess I had feet.

I don't know.

It's like, oh, I have all of it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's like, it's like a week-long dream.

Yeah.

And you wake up and you're like, oh, my, you feel like venom took over your body.

You know, the, the, it's insane.

I mean, there's like a bunch of stories about people like, um, doing like sleepwalking, like murders and shit like that on larium.

It's been used as defense in like murder trials.

Also, when I've taken, oh, that's interesting.

Also, when I've taken it,

it's been in conjunction with quitting weed like I'll smoke weed right before I leave start taking the malaria stuff So it's the malaria and the eight days of no weed.

Yeah.

Around eight days is when you get the dreams anyway.

Yeah.

And so you're just like, wow.

Yeah.

It's intense.

It's worth it.

Oh, yeah.

It's awesome.

Oh, yeah.

So, anyways, we

are on this key cocker.

And when we smoke crack, the next day we wake up and we like go like, we got to get the fuck out of here.

Like we're, we're like playing with death here.

This has like gotten a little too real for us.

And we were supposed to go on like a kind of like a three-day trip with these guys.

Like they were going to take us to all these these secret spots around mainland Belize.

We just got on the boat, we took off, and we went down Belize along the one road that goes like through the country.

We stopped in Placencia for the night.

Placencia is a city in Belize.

Yeah, Placencia.

Cigars are

Dagong Tagonga, something like that.

It's okay, just towns.

Towns.

You know, still kind of having a good time, but also f kind of at this feeling of being on the run.

But we get to the very south of Belize, which is called.

Punta Gorda

and

which means

which means fat posting fat port yeah

and

the

we have to take a boat across Sugar Port is Punta Cana yeah

or no Sugar Point

Cane Point.

Oh right, right.

Sugar Cane Point.

But

we have to take a boat back into Guatemala, into this place, Puerto Barrios.

And Puerto Barrios, I can talk a little bit about...

But Puerto Barrios is like zero.

It's a port.

It is nothing touristy.

There is not a holiday inn.

There is not a

coffee shop.

It is just like Filipino tanker employees and like British guys who have like national front tattoos and things like that.

And a lot of

but we go to Punta Garda and we like, we have to cross an international border.

We have all this weed on us still.

So we smoke.

We get into Guatemala.

Yeah.

From Belize.

So we smoke this giant joint.

To get rid of it?

Yeah.

And we get on the boat, and about halfway through, the Guatemalan Navy stops our boat.

And I swear to God, we're high out of our minds.

They have a 50-cal pointed at us the entire time.

Like a guy manning a 50-cal is pointing it at us while we sit on this boat like this, high out of our minds.

Yeah, stoned.

And this woman has a giant bag of baby formula.

I'm talking like

this kind of baby.

And so they go and they go, what the fuck is this?

And she's like,

and then they like, you know, cut it open and test it.

And the whole time we're high thinking, oh, we are dying now.

And then we go to Puerto Barrios, we get in, and I get black.

They just let you go?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do they search your stuff?

Yeah.

But we didn't have any of the drugs.

Yeah, we didn't.

But I think later on we found a little bit of weed in one of the bags that they just had missed.

It was very lucky.

We were going over the border to

Canada on a we did a bus tour meet Colin and Ryan O'Neill and Dylan

Jacob whatever he's calling himself now

The bus driver comes back goes hey, so we're going over we've done this long tour.

He goes hey so we're going over we got a stop.

We're going to go to this minor one instead of the main border.

We're going to minor one.

It's faster.

And he comes up, he fills up gas and goes, by the way, guys, uh,

so just so you know, it's a border, so

you know, they might search, so

we're like, he goes, so I'm glad there's no drugs in here, yeah, because there's a border, so I'm glad there's no drugs in here, yeah.

And we're like,

yeah, give us, give us a minute.

That's the first time.

And we got rid of everything, and then, and then, and then they were like off the bus.

He goes, they don't usually do this, whatever.

And then they went on the bus and like went around.

We're like, oh, fuck, fuck.

Whoa, thank God.

That's that's when like it's all there, fuck, we shouldn't have got rid of that drugs.

Or thank God we got rid of it.

When I went to China, I'm like, I didn't have to dump my fucking edibles.

They just waved me right through.

Yeah.

But punishable by death.

Not worth it.

Not worth it.

But we're like, thank God we got rid of it.

And then Dylan's just like,

and we're like, what?

I'm like, I mean, I didn't want to waste the Coke.

I'm like,

idiot.

And there's fucking two, they're on the bus for a while going through shit.

And he'd hid Coke somewhere.

Yeah, in the back.

He goes, well, I'm like, where is it?

And he goes, just kind kind of on my bed.

And it's like, I put the baggie right there.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's like one time

we were in the south of Mexico, me and Kibby.

We had hitchhiked from Guatemala City to Mexico City, and we stopped in this place called Zipolite in the south.

It's right by Puerto Escondido.

Yeah.

And

great town, really like a must-go if you're in Oaxaca.

But

we'd gone to buy pot, and

we go to the guy and we go, hey, like, we'd like to buy some pot.

Here's 200 pesos.

And he goes, okay.

And then he comes back a couple minutes later, and I stick out my hand.

And he goes,

and he takes off my hat

and just puts a bag the size of my head into the hat.

And we go, because you gave him so much?

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, it was $20, but it was like, that's how much weed we got.

But we didn't want to throw it away, so we kept it with us.

And

the whole fucking time

we're coming back, we're getting searched because this is like prime narco mexico so we're getting searched all the time and we have all this weed in our bag and they never found it we are losing our minds oh my god but we were just like we don't know if we'll be able to find weed and you know how we love how it's like you got to get it you got to take the chance because what if we can't find it if you smoke pot it is a pivotal part of your trip it is getting high walking around yeah I found weed in Ecuador when I was there for six months during COVID, first full winter of COVID.

And like, it was hard to find because you couldn't approach anybody.

It was like, get away from me.

Yeah.

You know, so you need to approach them to find, hey, where's the weed around here?

So that time was like unapproachable to strangers.

And then you finally found some.

And he would go, 30 grams for $30.

And I'm like, that doesn't seem right, but okay.

No, a dollar a gram if I'm doing the math right.

It was the strongest weed I've ever smoked in my life.

And how big of a bag was it with your hands?

Maybe like that.

Yeah.

For $30.

Then later, I found like another one for like way more flour.

This is like dense and like moist.

Packed, probably.

Yeah, for much more expensive and not nearly as strong.

Yeah.

But that 30 grand for $30 gave me like

tracers and shit.

I'm like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah.

It's got that Ecuadorian muck and my input.

I mean, that's how I've had that happen before.

Like, I remember I.

You gotta find it.

I was in Rio for the World Cup, and

I couldn't speak Portuguese.

A couple people had smoked me out in different cities because they had weed.

Everywhere I went in Brazil, by the way, people just walked up to me and were like, hey, what's up?

And I was like, hey.

And they're like, you want to come to dinner?

And I was like, yeah.

And they're like, you want to come to a party?

And every night in Brazil.

What?

I don't know if it was because it was the World Cup, but I mean, every night I was in Brazil for a week, somebody took me under their wing.

And you went for it.

Yeah, because it's like, why not?

You know, like, I'm never, I feel like I know.

Oh, you know why not?

Well, I know why not, but I feel like I always know when somebody's trying to grift me.

I've never been wrong about somebody like this idea that like you shouldn't experience things because what if they would have robbed you?

What if they would have been planning something like, well, then I would have got robbed or killed, but I didn't.

So, what are we talking about?

What do you think?

Most I think most people don't assume that people lead regular lives.

Yeah, that's the thing.

When you walk through, like, when I was talking about those amazing racist videos, like, you imagine I got killed, like, well, I found out that most blacks aren't murderers.

Yeah, so that's it's so funny that if you do something like that where you're making fun of racism, but by having to kind of like tickle the edge of being racist, you get white racism.

You get the reaction is more racism.

Like the people that are like,

you think they just kill?

Yeah.

What do you think?

But they know they're offended, they just kill?

Yeah.

What do you think these people are?

You ever see that video of like,

I don't know all the voting stuff, but like they talk about voting.

It's hard in certain districts to get your like your license or whatever, so you need a license or whatever.

And so there's like, all right, I'll go to the hood.

Yeah.

Because the hood is like, hey, let me ask you a question.

Do you know where to get a driver's license?

Like, I mean, 14th and 8th?

Like, no, no, what building?

Like, the DMV?

Like, oh, white people don't think you know how to get that.

Like, I don't know what the DMV is?

Yeah.

It's like, yeah, we don't think you know how to get that.

It's so fucking insane.

Like, I remember there was these prank videos where these white kids would go into the hood and pants people.

I remember those.

And sometimes guns would fall out.

Yeah.

And nobody ever shot them.

They might swing on them or be like, get the fuck away from me.

But it's like, that's the exact person that the Fox News dad thinks is what we do.

He's going to do that.

And he's like, why are you being weird?

Oh, this is long.

Hold on.

I want to see a little.

No, no, no, no, no.

Here we go.

Yeah, it's this guy.

It's crazy.

Are you nuts, bro?

He's like setting it up.

Oh, he just did it already?

He's not going to make it.

They're so mad at him.

I didn't see him do it, though.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

He didn't get that one.

I guess he wasn't sagging.

I want to get one.

Come on, do one.

Okay, here we go.

This also doesn't look like the hood.

It does not look like the hood.

All right.

Well, fuck this guy.

Fuck Joey Salads.

Yeah.

Anyway.

5.6 million subscribers.

Wait, what are we talking about?

We're talking about beliefs.

Oh, people being dangerous.

Yeah.

So

in Rio,

during the World Cup, they have these things called Fan Fests, which is like big TV, thousands of people watching a game.

Cool.

It's like really fun.

Very cool.

But

I don't have weed.

I'm in Rio.

Rio's like the most amazing city I think I still maybe have ever been to.

And

I see some people smoking some weed, and they happen to be like teenagers.

They're like teenagers, and they're clearly like probably from the favelas.

They look kind of like they're just wearing like shorts with flip-flops.

There's nothing else.

And I walk up and I'm like, descupo no fala ben Portuguese,

but mota denero, you know, like, and they're like,

and I can see in their heads, they're like, do we rob this guy?

Yeah.

Because this is like pretty dumb.

And then they just,

hi, gents, there a bathroom in here?

Yeah.

Great.

Sorry about the loss today.

And they're all like, put the knives down.

I'm like, all right.

It was, I mean, it was like pretty bold.

But

they just go, okay.

So I give them 40 reals or whatever like that.

And then the girl just lifts her tit up and pulls out a like a clump of weed not even in a bag she just lifts her tit up pulls out the weed hands it to me and then i'm like can i hit yours and i and i get really stoned and then

brazil proceeds to lose 7-1 to germany oh yeah i remember that one and i'm a blonde guy in the middle of this

and i luckily am wearing a brazil jersey And I

had to run.

They were throwing bottles into the crowd and like attacking attacking people.

And I ran back to my hotel and I sat on the balcony kind of watching the melee and I smoked a joint.

That was nice from safety.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was fun.

That's another road story.

He lived right over

where the Price is Right is filmed in LA.

You know, that area?

Yeah, with the grove.

Right by the farmer's daughter.

Because that's where the cops were set up during the riots.

And he was up there on a balcony smoking, watching the riots, watching the cops get into the Price's Right parking lot to regroup and whatever the head out.

And he was just out there smoking all day and just kind kind of watching it all yeah safety of his balcony

that's what's higher fires and

yeah

um i haven't been in a good riot since the wto it's kind of a bummer dude they had a

wait a couple things i wanted to tell you oh one time i was in guatemala to some tiny town in in guatemal in the north yeah world cup was going on you know everyone in latin america is just we're watching yeah at a at a fucking any store a pharmaceutical the one tv in town yeah Yeah.

Or, you know, even if it's not every store has or every bar and you're like, oh, it's 2-1, whatever.

It's like, come on in.

Pharmacies and fucking electronic stores.

Like, please, you know, we're watching.

And so I was watching from a burrito place.

And then across the street at a pharmacy, they were all watching.

And everyone's rooting for Messi.

So everyone's rooting for Argentina because it's Messi because Guatemala didn't have a team.

Yeah.

And

then I'm watching.

It's the Netherlands versus Guatemala.

And they just keep looking at me.

Then half time they come over.

It's like,

you're you're from the Netherlands, and I'm like, No,

but you're rooting for the Netherlands.

I'm like, No, I just watched it.

They're like, Yeah, you're rooting for the Netherlands, obviously.

I'm like, Buddy, I'm not.

Definitely, if you guys are rooting for

whatever you're yeah, that I'm in, yeah, and they're like,

and then they won in a shootout, and then we all just drank Quetzalteca or whatever.

Oh, dude, die Quetzalteca.

I've the worst hangover I've ever had in my life was after I was in a tiny little village, and we drank that shit all night, Quetzalteca, aguardiente y Coca-Cola.

And it was like fucking like I had to be peeled out of my bed.

And I had to.

It's so strong.

And it's so unrefined that you're just, you've basically poisoned yourself.

It's like drinking rubbing alcohol.

Fuck.

It's like a Coca-Cola and rubbing alcohol.

And they're flavored.

Oh, dude, such a brutal hang.

I woke up that night.

I did not wake up

in my bed.

I woke up on the floor of the jungle.

What?

Yeah, we were were in this mountain school, and we lived in these little huts in the jungle.

And we went to the common house to all get wasted.

And I guess I had just stumbled out and I just fell asleep.

And I was covered in dirt and scratches.

And I was just in the middle of the jungle.

It was awful.

It was awful.

And then I had to take like a seven-hour bus to

seven-hour bus to San Salvador.

Can I say also, the name of the city with the same name as the country is always the worst city.

Yeah.

Guatemala City, Belize City.

These are always where people, San Salvador, this is where people go to get robbed.

Yeah.

The one say I'll say that is a standout is Brasilia is nothing.

Brasilia is like.

Interesting.

Brasilia is like Branson, Missouri.

Really?

It's like they built it.

Nobody lived there.

They built it as a...

It really is nowhere, huh?

Yeah.

Manaus is really in the middle of nowhere.

Have you ever seen the...

Have you ever seen...

Right in the jungle, huh?

Look at Manaus.

Go to Manaus on this.

M-A-N-A-U-S.

Or yeah, just go down there.

Zoom all the way in.

It's a crazy city.

It's right against the jungle.

Really?

Yeah.

And it's right on the river.

That's how you get in and out.

But if you do

the satellite view.

This one?

No, the other one.

Opposite side.

Yeah, that one.

Okay.

Zoom in.

Zoom in?

To like the edge over there, like at the top of where your map is.

Wow.

That's the jungle.

The city stops on a wall.

And they just beat it back every day.

Yeah.

They just beat it back.

Yeah.

Like they're constantly...

If they left, the jungle would just be on them.

And just come right back.

On a wall?

Is it an actual wall?

Yeah.

I mean, that's the fucking jungle.

There's like fucking panthers and shit out there.

Wow.

That looks kind of bad.

This is in Puya.

This is on all the places

in Ecuador, too.

It's like...

It's just like, hey, we're constantly pushing this shit out.

It would just overtake us.

Yeah, and then like, they're like, oh, and like, don't leave trash out because the jaguars come at night.

Like, the what?

Wow.

I mean, are you going to hike on that?

Fuck that.

That's crazy.

Do you know how many bodies are out in that fucking shit?

They had a, there's a documentary that's actually really good about this guy that was,

he was like a Jerry Springer type in Manao.

Yeah.

He had a show about crime in the city, and he was orchestrating the crime

and like having people killed and then being the first one on the scene so that he could be like, The crime is crazy in the city.

What, really?

Yeah, yeah, I forgot what it's called, but it's on Netflix.

It's great.

Tourist attractions, deep in the jungle, resort hotel.

I do this all the time.

You know what the best thing?

I used to have a show called MapQuest.

Yeah.

Go to the middle of the city.

Of what, Manaus?

Yeah.

Okay.

It's just so fun to open up and go, what's this spot?

What's this spot?

But go down.

Go deep into it.

Let's find.

Okay.

Let's find a spot.

No, no, just, yeah, go deep into the city and find, like, a fast food chain.

Okay.

Let's see what this is.

Yeah, just go to that.

The pictures that people will post on these are so insane.

Snack bar.

Yeah.

Go to that.

Go to the pictures.

See photos.

There's always weird pictures of food, and then there'll just be

this picture, and then eventually there'll be like a picture of like a family.

Yeah, like

these are all just geotagged, yeah.

This one right there.

What a great picture.

Who are they?

Yeah, who are they?

I do this.

These are lives.

I do this for hours.

2017.

This is eight years ago.

I do this all the time.

At least two of those people are dead.

At least two.

Look at these guys.

Look at Henry Rollins in the middle here.

Just having a good time.

These are the beers they have on tap or for whatever.

Here's some cat.

Here's some two dead kids.

One's dead.

One lives with it.

Yeah.

Wow.

You just look at these.

It is fun just to go, what's here?

But like these people, they just post sometimes you'll be like, it'll be like video from a child's birthday just inside the cafe at a gas station.

It's so fun.

I do this all over.

This was my show.

It was like a it was a live stream and people would suggest places and we would just walk around these cities looking at stuff, and then we would find something and kind of go down like a chain of logic.

And we found some of the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life.

Oh, you're in New York now.

But I guess that's what we did

with the double, whatever.

That restaurant right on the split.

Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

Matuka's Bar and Grill.

Yeah, what's happening in Matuka's best?

What's happening?

First of all, Matuca's Bar and Grill is the best place to go for a prime fucking steak.

That does look like a good steak.

That looks great.

They do grill really good in the future.

They grill great.

The Colombians,

there's a restaurant outside of Bogota.

There's one in Bogota, too.

It's called Andre Carnator Rez.

It's the best time you'll ever have.

It's like a steakhouse that's also a nightclub.

Really?

It's that kind of food.

Wow.

That looks great.

Let's look.

There's got to be one that's just like...

Just a sly picture of people for no reason.

Let's see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There we go.

Who are these people?

What's up with all these gals?

Look at that guy on the right.

Why is that a brazil?

He's so mad.

How is he Brazilian?

Why is he mad?

You know, his grandfather ran away.

Everyone else is smiling.

His grandfather ran away from killing your grandfather.

Yeah, he goes, you know, I can't be on film.

That's the whole reason I'm down here.

The fuck, bro.

I got to follow you home and get that footage.

That's so funny.

That's a good thing to do.

What's this new?

It's hold on.

Oh, there's a nice Pele

Pele mural in Matuka's.

Wait, wait, wait.

Andy Haynes.

What's the name of the show?

Around the World in Andy Hayes.

Damn, Around the World in Andy Haynes.

Look at that dude.

Which one?

The guy with the very well-kept beard.

He kind of looks like Brazilian Brendan Schaub.

Yeah.

See if he tries to hook up with his friend's chicks.

Probably.

You find out that dude's name is like O

Asassino.

He's killed 75 people in the Naus.

Isn't this the best?

This really is fun.

Oh, there's it.

That's probably a little bit more.

Oh, they got a little band?

Yeah.

Let's hear it.

Okay, the Matukas will have, first of all, they serve Brahma, which is nice.

Yeah.

They will have the occasional band playing.

Here's two seconds of their song.

That sound like Brazilian music?

Yeah, I think it's probably Brazilians have like all these weird regional sounds, and one of the biggest things.

They swirl cut it and fill it with shit.

Ooh.

Oh, date night.

Date night.

This is a lot of fun.

Oh, those are those fucking things they always serve at your house grew.

Croquettes.

Croquetes.

So let me ask you a question.

When you were doing all this stuff about revolution down there, did you come across any Ecuadorian things?

Because

they have a rich history of

the president.

I don't know a ton about current.

I know that right now they've kind of got a situation where like a not right now.

No, no, right now they've got a guy who is like basically like he's he's basically their version of Bu Kelly in San Salvador.

He's a young kind of like populist, but a little the one they just elected?

Yeah, but it was like a fucked election because he just kind of called it because of like danger.

Dude, when I was there, too, they had the same thing.

Yeah, I think it's the same guy.

I think he did it twice.

What's his name?

I don't know.

Okay, but it was it would have been about the same time frame.

I think they just got Jenny Naboa.

No, it's a different one.

Yeah, so Naboa is

he's he's like a pro kind of like American, pro-Western.

But in the early 2000s, there was something happening in all of Latin America, basically, that was like led kind of with first the election of Hugo Chavez, which was a kind of a popular revolution.

Neolibs.

What?

Neolibs is a very important thing.

No, Neolibs is more the American pursuit of

basically like

capitalist empire

with the idea that liberal in the true sense of the word liberal, meaning like no laws, no borders, and things like that.

But there was Evo Morales in Bolivia.

There was a guy named correa in ecuador there was a guy

yeah

lennon moreno was there before okay okay correa yeah but um

the most interesting one if you guys want like a real good easy spicy latin american revolution look up the shining path sendero luminoso they're they were the peruvian uh marxist they were they were not a chill one.

They they came in and they just would slaughter a village old school style.

But there's a um

movie that was actually john malkovich's very first directorial debut starring javier bardem it's called the dancer upstairs

and it's it's a it's an awesome movie and it kind of shows you what these populist revolutions looked like so in they were saying it's pretty much they're going the one in ecuador it wasn't more it was it was the other guy you said but it was like

hey fuck the debt we're canceling that yeah it's like liberal to uh i don't quite understand it but he's like but we're building like boardwalks in every town

um

well all these places you know i mean to their defense because i'm kind of a socialist or whatever yeah

all their resources are owned by these multinational corporations and everybody fucking lives in squalor right and so when these guys come and get elected which is pretty hard

back in the day back in the day like Every single one of these countries after colonialism would try to elect some nerd who would say something like, You know what?

We're gonna nationalize bananas.

And then a guy in Alexandria, Virginia would go, Hey, I own all the bananas, this can't happen.

And then the CIA would go down and kill him.

So it's it's it's a pretty, yeah, right, it's a pretty big swing to make it as far as actually becoming the president of these countries.

If you have leftist kind of it's real easy to kill you, you know, like who's gonna investigate?

Yeah, um,

but uh,

so what they do is they go, they come to power and they go, why would we send all our money to fucking

Switzerland?

Yeah, this is our cadmium and then all the chocolate in Switzerland they get the cocoa beans from Ecuador.

Yeah, so Ecuadorian chocolate is like always second in the world.

Yeah, but they're like yeah, why do you guys get it?

It's like well we own this because like what do you mean own it?

You made a deal with some fucking villagers like a hundred years ago.

Yeah, like no.

You don't own this shit.

Yeah, and so we come in there for fucking fuel and everything.

So in Trinidad, they just discovered oil and like Venezuela and stuff or other, I don't know, or maybe around there.

And they go, hey, let us just help you

learn how to refine this.

We don't want anything, but we don't want other interests coming in.

We want you to be Venezuela.

So the Trinidadians are like, let me show you.

We know how to refine our own.

Let us teach you so that we can make this whole region can flourish.

Instead of letting Exxon do it and give you guys some shoes.

There's a guy, I think, in Ecuador.

Have you heard about this guy?

He's an American lawyer.

And Ecuador Shell, or one of the major multinational gas corporations, did like and like demolished a region through pollution.

And he's an American lawyer.

And he actually got censured and sued by the corporation,

the oil corporation, and lost.

His life has been ruined by trying to go after this.

He was on Chapo Trap House a couple of times.

It's It's pretty insane.

So what they had in, so when I was there, so Lasso won,

May 21, maybe one, he didn't take over yet.

No, I mean, that was the election.

He was running, right?

Yeah.

When was I there?

I guess I came back April of 2020.

The Creating Opportunities Party.

I love that.

It's so funny because he was a banker.

And I was like talking to a local guy, and I was like, why do they believe him?

He's like, same reason they believed Trump when he lies or

Hillary Clinton when she lies.

They just lie to people that don't have as much information.

And he's this banker who goes, I'm for the little man.

So what they do there is they have an election where

they have 20-something parties.

Yeah.

They narrow it down to two.

Who?

The top two.

Top two.

And then they do a runoff.

And they do a runoff, and you go, won't number one win?

He goes, no, because number two could be like, well, I was going to vote for seven or two.

I couldn't decide.

And so if seven's out, I'm going to two.

So it's almost like you have all the liberals and all conservatives narrowing it down.

So once you get those top two, that's big.

So number three was this indigenous guy who grew up ponytail.

They called him a phony because he didn't used to have a ponytail, but then he had a ponytail with the fucking pretty much their version of Daishiki's.

And he goes like he's deep in, it's like renaming Thievesman to Theisman so he could win the Heisman.

And so he came in second.

Lasso was third, but Lasso was also on the election committee in Waiakil.

And they go, well, it's actually so close we need to do a revote.

The revote will be in the Waiakil district because that's where the election election committee is and they go well i don't know it goes it turns out i won barely at we called it yeah yeah and they go what it was so obviously fake yeah and and he was against mining the other guy that came in third that's what naboa just did yeah did the same thing where he i think he called off the recount or something or called off the runoff and just declared victory So they didn't get a new guy.

I heard they just got a new guy.

I guess not.

It's Naboa.

Wow, they must say like, no, we're not doing that.

Yeah.

So they overthrow their guys a lot.

So Moreno lasted four years.

Correa is the one.

So he ran, then

they redid the Constitution.

Yeah.

So they go.

Well, the Constitution now starts over.

So now I've only been in office one year instead of seven.

Yeah.

He rocked.

Yeah, Correa was there before.

And now I think he's actually in jail.

Who?

Correa.

I think he might have been.

He went to Belgium where his wife lived.

Yeah, yeah, that might be.

So what

the guy running against Lasso, he said, I'm running with Correa as my vice president.

And they go, he's not even in the country.

He goes, I know.

By the way,

full alert to everybody, I'm stepping down as soon as I'm elected.

My vice president's taking over.

I will pardon him first, then step down.

He'll take over.

And he almost won.

So close.

Yeah.

He won the first vote.

The narrow down to two.

He came in first.

When I was in Guatemala on this trip that I was talking about, this whole trip,

it was the presidential election.

Wait, is Gustavo Noboa the father?

Yeah, that's his dad.

That's how they get you.

So go ahead, sorry.

But they also have some huge, I forgot what they're, maybe bananas, some kind of,

I think they were agriculture billionaires.

But this guy running and who almost won in Guatemala was Ifrain Rios Mont, who was widely known as the leader of the death squads, who went out and assassinated, exterminated people.

But crime was so bad in Guatemala that people were like, yeah,

he probably was related to the killing of my uncle, but it's really bad and we need somebody to step in.

Like, I would meet people all the time that were like, yeah, he probably did kill a bunch of people.

He almost won.

He lost by like 8%.

I get it.

They're like, he's not killing now.

Yeah, he's a full guy.

Yeah, if he's killing now, we can't have him in.

That's going to be, I heard something about corruption.

They go, if talking about Cuomo, they go, if you have any sort of or ween or two, if you have any sort of corruption, what you want as a citizen is sexual corruption.

Yeah.

Because it won't affect their job.

They cheat on their wife a bunch.

They're fucking seven-year-olds, whatever.

It doesn't affect how they run the city or the country.

Yeah, you can't attack their record.

Money corruption is going to affect you.

They're going to divert stuff to, you know, and change the laws to help them.

But like just fucking too many seven-year-olds is like, it's bad, but it doesn't affect the people they're representing, except that one seven-year-old.

Yeah.

Or if they're just cheating on their wife a lot.

It's like, this has nothing to do with us.

Who cares?

In Europe, they don't give a shit.

Every guy has a fucking...

So Guatemala, Funcha, how are the bathrooms?

Not Guatemala, sorry, Belize.

Belize, I don't remember, but my biggest problem with all of Latin America is the poop and the garbage.

I don't.

I don't have little trash cans that go like I understand it, but I don't.

I hate the poop

in the garbage can.

And I always accidentally flush toilet paper and feel horrible about it.

He's going to fuck up everything.

You know what I do?

What?

I have a real.

Listen, I'm.

This is someone who has shit on stage.

Yeah.

In public, but that's different.

That's a

performance.

Performative.

I don't like my poop being where anyone I know.

So if you and I are sharing a bathroom, if you and I are on a trip somewhere and we're like renting Airbnb or something and, you know, we're sharing the bathroom or a hotel, I don't want you around my poop.

Yeah, of course.

So I wrap, wrap, wrap, you know, I wipe, you know, do whatever.

Then I wrap it all in a lot of toilet paper and I take it with me and I throw it out outside.

Really?

Yeah.

I will do this to this day where if I know that I have a foul shit coming,

I'll go downstairs.

Go somewhere else.

Like if I'm on vacation with my wife, hey, I'm going to go to the lobby because this is not fair to anybody.

You know, we have a janitor's bathroom in my building.

I'll use it sometimes.

Just because it's like...

Yeah.

Why not?

I used to have one in my old building.

I dated a chick in L.A.

and Pasadena near Pasadena.

She lived near a McDonald's.

And she had one of those bathrooms that like slide, but it doesn't quite close, you know?

Yeah.

Door comes out.

Oh, no.

horrible i'm like no way and i just go to the mcdonald's i forgot somebody i think it was todd glass todd glass had a joke about um sounds right todd glass has jokes uh toilet being too close to the kitchen and like being at a dinner party and he said the detail i love is like the gap under the door was obvious that they used to have shag carpets

he's like i can see shadows you know

um but yeah it was uh i only got sick once i kind of have an iron gut when it comes to,

I don't do the like Montezuma's revenge.

I've been sick a couple of times, but

I ate street food this last time.

I was in Guatemala two months ago and I ate street food and didn't get sick.

I did in Guatemala.

I mean, sometimes you just got to get it.

You got to get sick like in your first three days.

And then

you get the sake of it.

If you dive in the lake or jump in the lake or do anything, you will get sick.

I jumped in the lake.

I didn't get sick.

Great.

But there is an algae bloom because of pollution and also sewage that if you were to see it and jump in, yeah, you'd get sick

so interesting belize that's so fun and you went to the ruins too

i went to the the ruins in um in guatemala in guatemala but i did go to the blue hole you did yeah you scuba dive no i just you went went i didn't go in what'd you do just swam you saw from above it's such a nothing every time i no no no the the blue hole in uh guatemala is in the middle or in belize is in the ocean yeah but it's such a nothing thing that it's like what's even in there and there's not even much in the way of it's an underwater river.

So if you go deep, you can go into

a different.

All right.

It's a fucking blue hole.

It's crazy the way it looks from the top.

Yeah.

But diving in it is like, it's underwater river?

I guess like all of that, the entire

Caribbean coast, including Florida, is made up of a kind of a limestone that's very weak.

And like apparently Florida is just full of these underwater rivers.

And it's like, that's why like you'll see these like sinkholes in Florida all the time where like a house will just disappear because it's just like it's just Swiss cheese under there.

And there's actually people that like now, like, who are like sports people that will go down in one and try to find another, you know, like they'll go like exploring in these underwater rivers, which never nuts, never.

I'm not even you're gonna run out of time and either you're in or you're out.

There's gonna be a point where like we don't turn around now, we gotta go forward.

Yeah.

Or we die.

Yeah.

I'm not doing any of that.

It's like when you're on a hike and you're like, does it go around or not?

I don't know.

But it's like, if we keep going, we're further away from the dark.

And in some way, like, but if I turn around now, what if I'm right about to be at the end of the circle?

I've been on so many of those.

It's just like, from what I've heard, diving in there, it's like not much coral like this.

No, it's, I, I, it was

pretty much dark and some sharks.

Yeah, it was just dark.

We didn't even like swim very long because it was kind of spooky.

It's like this.

It's like, what am I doing here?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's it with the shark right there.

I don't get that.

Yeah, it's like I'd like to.

Great Barrier Reef was pretty fun.

Did you see sharks?

Oh, yeah.

See,

I'm leaving sharks alone.

I mean, you don't, you don't fucking insult them.

I don't need to go.

Like, I follow this Instagram

influencer that's like, she does a lot of outdoor stuff, but she also wears like a thong a lot.

And

she's always like swimming in the South Pacific with

what?

this is underground

that's so dope

the grim reaper oh my god stop prevent your death go no further unless the unless cave trained there's nothing in this cave worth dying for it do not go beyond this point what

because you're gonna get lost yeah oh my god that's in the ocean all right let's wrap this up was there anything in in belize that surprised you that you were like i would not have expected that and little observations you make that aren't normal ones.

I mean, the Bloods and Crips and kind of gang thing was really interesting to me that they just adapted.

I think this happens a lot.

You see it in Haiti, where they'll adapt like a little piece of pop culture.

You see it in the suburbs, too.

You see, like, a white kid who's like, all of a sudden, he's like, I'm a Crip.

And it's like, oh, you just saw like Boys in the Hood or whatever.

But then

I was really intrigued by the Garifuna people.

I thought that was so interesting that a group of people had jumped off slave ships and retained their language and their

up, up, up, up.

Right.

Yeah, right there.

So there's these like crazy coral reefs that the ships couldn't make it over the coral.

So they jumped and swam to shore.

And enough of them made it back that they were able to retain their African language.

Their Garifuna, I think it's related to

because that's what they spoke.

Yeah.

They're still on the boats.

Yeah.

So there's another one like that right around the north here.

There was a crash, slave ship crash.

Yeah.

And these people came aboard, came ashore, excuse me, to northern Ecuador where I think they're like, all right, well, you're free.

We don't own you.

Yeah.

You don't just get a slave.

We don't think you're free.

So they settled the north.

So the north is where the black Ecuadorians are.

Also where the violence is, but unrelated because it's more from Colombia coming in.

Yeah.

Well, Cali is super dangerous.

Yeah.

So, but that north has a ton of black Ecuadorians from a crash slave ship it's it's weird i think that's one of the craziest thing that i don't think most people realize like it kind of stops at bolivia and like paraguay argentina chile don't really have black huge black populations yeah but like peru ecuador colombia venezuela pretty black like big black populations just watch a world cup match

like they you know come in this way but like but like to get down here to get down here it's like what did you go around here or did you run them through

and um the interesting thing is is that a lot of like the spanish-speaking countries the the the east coast the caribbean side will have black populations and they speak english because they're from the british commonwealth like like panama the entire coast of panama um is black the northern coast of panama is black predominantly black because jamaican and barbasian uh workers were sent over to build the canal

I swear to God, I swear to God, this is the hand of my heart.

I'm in Panama City.

I take the train up to Cologne, which is the other side of the isthmus,

and I get out, and this town, Cologne, is like a not fuck around town.

It's like you can get robbed in the middle of the day, no matter where you are.

In Panama?

Yeah.

It is a no-man's land.

Okay.

And

I get out of the train station, and I'm like within a few feet of a cop so that I can kind of like be like, where's a cab that can take us to this Isla Grande place?

And the guy that pulls up in the cab looks beautiful.

I'm not lying, was identical to Patrice.

Really?

Looked identical, like to the point where I, I was like about to be like, hey, what are you doing here to him?

And he was Barbasian and Patrice was Barbasian.

So I'm wondering if he had just a common relative somewhere down there.

It's really dangerous, huh?

Yeah, that's kind of what it looks like right there.

Oh, they got the chicken buses?

Yeah.

Did Belize have the chicken buses?

Not really.

Belize kind of had these.

Do you remember the buses in Cuba?

They were like kind of like more like rectangular.

Like they almost looked like hotel shuttles?

Okay.

Oh.

That's the modern.

Right there.

Right there.

Go down.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

That's what the buses look like.

Okay.

Interesting.

That's so cool.

It's a Soviet bus.

And they all speak English, right?

Belize?

That's the the English language?

Yeah, I mean, they speak the Mayan dialect.

There's Spanish-speaking Guatemalans and other Latin Americans that have just walked in.

And they use U.S.

dollars or no?

No, they use a Belizean,

maybe peso or Belizean pound.

It's the Commonwealth, so I don't know.

But El Salvador, just American money.

Panama, just American money.

Ecuador, just American money.

Cambodia, just American money, except the change.

Really?

Like the quarter and below.

Cuba was weird because Cuba had like four different currencies, and one of them you weren't allowed to have as an American.

They ended that.

Oh, they did?

They made it one.

Yeah, because it was like back in the day.

It was the workers' currency.

If you got the workers' currency,

you could live like a fucking king.

You could go to somebody and you could be like, hey, I'll give you $20 American.

Will you give me the worker's currency?

And they gave it to you.

And you could go and you could buy like a pizza for a quarter.

It was awesome.

Oh, it's like a military

stipend kind of thing.

Damn, Cologne looks crazy.

So, if someone's going to Belize, what would you be like?

Hey, let me give you some advice before you go.

What would you tell them?

I would say go to the water.

Just don't mess with the interior unless you have some kind of like guide.

There's a little town, see Dangriga right there?

It's up near the top.

This one?

Yeah, Francis Ford Coppola has a resort there called Turtle Bay, which is supposed to be pretty nice.

But I would say, generally, like the interior is kind of the part that's a little more like

just.

When I was looking to go from Guatemala, I was like, oh, I'll just like take the bus.

I was thinking maybe, and they go, no, no, no, you really got to take the bus there and take a boat around there to get there.

Yeah, so you go to Puerto Barrios down there, which is where I blacked out and Nick and Jake almost got killed by sailors because they danced with their prostitutes.

And then you take a boat up to Punta Gorda, and then you take a bus up around there.

There's no road in here.

No, you get there.

Oh, you know another crazy thing that's also happening all along this coast?

Yeah.

Is the Colombians are taking like Boston whalers and

they're running their drugs up and down these coasts, like just

along the

barrier reef.

And

these guys told me that they were like, every once in a while, a brand new

boat with like the best engines you've ever seen just floats into town.

And it's because they had the boat, they had $400 million worth of Coke, they dropped it off, they all got off the boat, fuck the boat.

They don't even tie it off.

They're just like, who cares?

It's like those chics that go to the airport.

They go, I'm going to go out in front with a Ferrari.

Like, so you can't park here.

Like, it's not mine anymore.

Yeah.

I don't.

It's just a Ferrari.

Take it.

It's like a cab to me.

Yeah.

And so these guys would be like, yeah, we got a whole, we got a brand new fucking thing.

I I would say, you know, not that it was on topic, I would say definitely if you're in Flores, if you're going to DeKal, go to Flores, go to the little islands.

This island is what I looked at.

I was like, it looks so cool, like a resort in an island.

It's not even a resort.

It's like, it's like, it looks like Italy, like those little towns.

And where there's a boat?

No, there's a little spit.

Yeah.

Wow.

And then I would say in Belize, just go to one of the keys and probably stick to like a sailing tour or something like that.

Did you...

Okay, well, this is what I ask everybody if they have any travel advice.

It could be for there, could be anything, could be specific, could be like, like, like Tom Rhodes's, what he always used to tell me was, if you need to find weed, you know where to find it.

He goes, there's a, there's always a statue in the middle of town.

Go to the statue and hang.

Yeah.

And somewhere will offer you a bad thing.

That's very, very, very good advice.

Yeah.

China, I say people like, bring a packet of tissue paper.

and just always have it on you and just don't ask what you're going to know when you need it

okay yeah um

other ones people are pack light uh if you've got to transport mushrooms put it on a salad and whatever but like any advice you would have general or specific

um

like a coffee table book of all these my best advice i would say is um

all you need is your passport

i i really i believe that i think you can get everything you need wherever you go so don't stress about what you're bringing always pack lighter you can buy stuff when you're there you can get underwear yeah you can be like oh shit, I didn't pack enough underwear.

I was like, oh, I'll just get.

They have supermarkets.

They also have fucking

like

The Express, you know?

They have UniClothes.

They have things like that.

Any major city.

You can find

if you need it.

But I would say the number one thing is I would say,

you know, don't go to resorts.

Walk around.

Talk to people.

Like,

don't be a fucking idiot.

You're going to get robbed if you go, hey, where do I buy buy cocaine?

Somebody will help you get robbed.

But is this enough money for Coke?

Yeah, you know, if you...

Every single story I hear about somebody getting robbed, they were like, I was just trying to buy a gun in the favela.

But, you know, like, I would say, like, try to go where people are and you're going to have a better experience, especially in these places that are different, you know?

Like Europe, whatever, fuck it.

It's not that different.

It's not like you're going to go and there's going to be like a secret Bavarian restaurant where they serve food a different way.

But you go to these places and, you know, they'll take you to a little like barbecue on a beach where they play a certain kind of music and they'll take you on a boat the next day and you can go fishing.

Like people are very accessible.

In these smaller countries, they want to show you about their country.

They're very proud,

especially like the indigenous people.

But people also are very normal.

That's the biggest thing I would say is like people are normal.

Kids laugh.

Whenever I see a child laughing, I go, that's pretty universal.

They're not taught anything yet.

They're having a good time, six-year-olds.

And they're laughing.

I'm like, well, you could be anywhere in the world now, being this kid, hearing something that made you laugh.

And it's just like, it's a natural reaction.

It's like Russian kids get that, and Belizean kids get that, and American kids get that.

And it's just like, oh, everyone's kind of the same.

I was in Guatemala two months ago, and I'm watching these guys, and it's nighttime, and I see this flashlight in the lake.

Like, it's in the water.

And

they're clearly like fishing for something.

And then these two kids get out and they are like teenagers.

That's a weird Hertz rented car.

I feel like that's the right spot.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

It's just underwater.

It's the

SpongeBob SquarePants.

Is this the island?

No, it's down there.

It's what?

It's right there.

See Flores?

That's the island right there.

This thing.

No, no, no.

Down.

See the little spit?

Yeah, that's it.

You can zoom in, though, because it's really complex.

Like.

Yeah.

Look, yeah.

It's like little streets and

there's a square and stuff.

but

I so these kids are like they're like fishing right and they're

They're like using their flashlights to get like some kind of lake shrimp or something and then they get out of the lake and they're getting dressed and they put on jeans and they put on t-shirts and then they have their cell phone and the kid starts playing Travis Scott and they roll a joint and they smoke a joint and it's just in front of me and they're just like oh yeah, they're 15 year olds.

They just they have to fish a little because they don't make money in a different way.

It's weird you You think I'm so different, but they're just not so different.

They're just not.

All right.

Influencer video.

Nope.

Nope.

Hostile on the island.

The rocks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good advice.

That is good advice.

Just get out, talk to people, don't go to resorts and talk to people.

That's how I learned about the Ecuadorian elections, the real shit, instead of just looking up.

Talking to people and go, yeah, yeah, that guy's corrupt.

Here's how he's corrupt.

Here's how he's corrupt.

Yeah, just, you know,

I don't, I haven't been to a lot of parts of the world.

Like, I haven't been to, like, sub-Saharan Africa.

I haven't been to Asia.

So I don't know about those, but I'm assuming.

You haven't been to Asia?

No.

Surprising.

I'm kind of, this is going to be really embarrassing.

I'm a bad flyer.

When I get to about 10 hours,

I'm like, hey, get me off this fucking thing.

But I'm going to do Asia this year because if you fly from the East Coast to Japan,

you stay over land the whole time.

And I think I can stomach that even if it's 14 hours.

Really?

Yeah.

You can also, you go like this.

You can also do, if you want to break it up,

Hawaii.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought about that.

I thought about that on the way to Australia.

I was like, maybe I'll just get a gig in Hawaii.

Yeah.

Two days.

It'll help with the jet lag and all that shit.

That blue note in Honolulu is great.

It rules.

They have a great deal.

But we're supposed to take the baby to Bali next year.

And it's like, it's fucking hard to travel with a toddler.

Why are you taking it to Bali?

Because we have to go to a wedding.

Oh.

What piece of shit is having a wedding in?

An Australian.

Still a piece of shit.

What are you?

A surfer?

What are you?

A hostel, Australian hostel stayer?

I know they like shop at Boohoo, man.

Oh my god.

But this is six hours from the west coast.

And then I believe Sydney is eight.

This map is not representative, but I think Sydney's eight.

Okay.

So, or some of these other ones, like I think Manila's 10 from Hawaii.

So we're going to do something like that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Is there anywhere you really want to go?

You've never been?

I want to go to the steppe.

I want to go to

I really want to go to the the Stan countries.

I want to go to the to the Caucasus in Mongolia.

Mongolia has a comedy scene.

Yeah.

No, Tom Rhodes was on here.

It'll be out already at this point, but like

it's it's cool.

I followed

yeah, I followed their their Instagram account.

It's the exact same thing.

It's dudes clipping bits

in in this weird fucking Russian Asiatic way.

I have a theory that

Andy Kaufman, who I thought was amazing as a troll and just as a unique thinker,

really was bad for stand-up comedy overall because all the Largo and the Embarrass and they're all trying to be this weird guy instead of,

you know, when they show up with somebody painting like a white square or a black square and like, I could do that.

And it's like, well, you didn't.

Yeah.

And also, it's not you doing it.

It's a guy who can paint photorealistic if he wanted to, choosing to paint a black square.

Yeah, there's a statement there.

Well, also, I think, like, the weirdest guys are not trying to be weird, things are some of the weirdest guys,

like

you know, Rory Scovel is like one of my oldest friends in comedy, so unique, and he's so unique.

But when you get Rory out of the comedy and out of the weirdness, he's the most normal dude.

He grew up playing

golfs, he played D1 soccer, he likes a glass of milk at bed.

Like he's a funny thing.

That's weird.

That's not a normal thing.

No one else.

He's going to play golf.

Oh, look at that dog.

They all have rabies now.

But all those alt comics are trying to do this weird thing.

They've never proven they can do something regular.

And neither did Kaufman, I guess.

But

Schultz,

same thing.

Kaufman, I love.

Schultz, I love too.

The effect was clip fishing all over the world.

Yeah.

Now guys in Ulambatur, instead of working on their acts, like, let me get a clip, let me get big.

Yeah.

It's everywhere.

I mean, it's like literally every single country.

And you meet these people now, especially in New York, because they all think New York is the be-all-end-all.

It is.

Which it is to some extent, but you can live anywhere now if you have the chops.

You can do clips and you can tour.

There's a guy I met in Berlin like a week ago.

I didn't meet him, but like we followed each other.

He was at one of Rosebud's shows.

But he's got like 500,000 followers.

He performs in English in Berlin.

How?

How?

How do you

Dragos?

Yeah.

He opened from me in Romania.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's my buddy.

Yeah, and like Victor Petraska.

You know,

he's a Romanian that tours.

Yeah, Dragos has a ton of clips because he always does, because Berlin's such a worldly city.

He goes, where are you from?

Oh, you're from Ireland?

I have an Irish joke ready.

Clip, boom.

Yeah.

Oh, you're from Sozi.

You know how he got fucking killed on all that shit, though?

How?

Did one about China?

Oh, they came after him?

TikTok's like, no one's seeing your shit anymore.

Really?

Well,

I love.

He goes, I'll take that one down.

It's like, no one's seeing any of your shit anymore.

I love the CCCP.

I also do.

Yeah.

I think they're amazing.

I think what Mao did was great.

I think what Jane

Zhao Jinping is doing is great.

I think Hong Kong doesn't actually need to be a different place.

Agreed.

Mushu pork is the best pork.

Guys, everybody go watch Around the World Andy Haynes.

If you're into travel like you are, if you're watching this, then he's out there actually making stuff on on location.

Yeah.

And if you guys want, subscribe to the channel, but also come over to my Patreon.

What's the Patreon?

Perfect.

What do you offer there?

Early access, voting on next trips, and

we're trying to crowdfund the next trip.

I think I'm going to go do wrestling in Senegal.

We're going to do some investigative stuff about the Danes in Greenland.

Can I suggest something to you?

Yeah.

Because I want to do it on this Patreon, never took off, had to close it.

We are sending someone around the world with the money um

but I wanted to do this and I still reserve the right to do it but you should do it for Patreon yeah live stream uh-huh dart go

yeah dart go yeah I mean I thought about doing an aspect of the show that was like telling a comic to meet me at the airport with their passport and I'll figure out the rest So that might be some aspect of it, too.

Yeah, I need five days from you to have them there together.

But I think it's even funnier because

Dakar is a seven-hour flight from JFK.

It's an overnight flight.

So if you leave on Thursday, you have Friday and Saturday to explore Dakar, and you can come back on Sunday evening.

You've done Africa in a weekend.

Not Africa, obviously, but like all this stuff is obtainable.

You can fly around the world.

You can fly around the whole world in 36 hours.

Wow.

So like,

you know.

Yeah.

Anyway, try it.

Around the world in any hands.

Go in there, go to his Patreon, support it, and fucking go live vicariously through through this fucking

top two skier in comedy.

Sorry, Des.

You can't walk anymore.

Yeah.

Buddy, thank you.

Thanks, dude.

Appreciate it.

I'll be back again.

Do another episode at another time, but in a year.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll do it in England.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Come do it in England.

Well, that is the episode.

Thank you very much to YMH for producing this.

Alan Caffey

for editing it.

Niana for sitting there while I read the ads and the bumpers.

Way to sit.

Belize is interesting.

I have not wanted to go before, but I will tell you after this episode, I kind of want to go.

And maybe I will.

Belize.

Hey, we don't really speak English.

It kind of turns me off.

You know, but

Guatemala, also sick.

And you can hear more about Guatemala from Andy Haynes and his television show that's on YouTube.

Around the world and Andy

Haynes.

Throw up.

Around the world and Haynes.

Guys, please check it out.

It's on Andy Haynes' YouTube.

Leave a comment that you got here from the UB Trippin' pod.

We will leave a comment.

You be Trippin' Pod was going to leave a comment on that video.

You do the same.

Follow suit.

But yeah, we want a new travel blogger.

We need someone to actually do it and get out there in the world.

I'm not gonna,

from the comedy world.

And that's where Andy Haynes comes in.

Sign up for his Patreon, patreon.com/slash I am Andy Haynes.

I am Andy Haynes.

Support him and all his travels, and he's making cool shit, so be a part of it.

He's also going to be in on the road.

Go to punch up, punch up.live/slash Andy Haynes in New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Indianapolis, Indiana, Dayton, Kentucky.

Is that right?

Toronto, Ontario, Hamilton, Ontario.

And that's it for now.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I think that's the episode.

Next week,

we have, hold on, I know this.

Is it Jordan?

Nope.

No new special.

Hold on.

Who's next week?

Chad Wallen, YMH, former YMH employee, Chad Wallen.

If you know anything about when we use the word Ari file,

that gets replaced with Chad.

He lives in infamy and he helps cover and protect Ari

from around the world.

And next week, we're going to Ghana.

Good episode.

Really good episode.

Went down there and did some fucking wild, wild stuff.

Click on the link, subscribe wherever you're watching or listening.

Next week, Chad Roland, until next week, everybody.

Goodbye.

That's how they say it in Belize.

Goodbye.

I do want to go to that island where

it's kind of unconnected with a bar.

I would like to go see that, to be honest.

Maybe I'll go to Belize.

Right there, right?

Well, I'll try it.

Anyway, bye, everybody.