France w/ Sam Tallent | You Be Trippin with Ari Shaffir

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Yeah.

The setting might be off.

It looks pretty fat.

It looks obese for some reason.

Yeah, I think it's stretched out.

But it looks like it's trying.

Just in the foreground, though, not in the background, it seems right.

It looks like it's trying.

Where you been and where you going?

This is our Reese Travel Show.

Yeah, we're going to talk about travel today.

It's you be trippin'.

tripping.

Yeah.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to you be tripping.

Wait, I try not to do an announcer voice.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to you be tripping.

No, it's too dark.

Can we try it?

Yeah.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome back to your favorite podcast, You Be Tripping.

NPR?

It's yeah, yeah, yeah.

They have a voice.

I like the NPR voice, like the new kids doing on like a Sunday late night, and they're just trying to mimic the NPR.

Yeah, but there's too much vocal fry.

Yeah.

Welcome.

They sound like Adam Friedland.

Yeah, always.

It's the only podcast that staunchly stands against Meow Meow.

Today, I'm fucking proud to have excited Sam Talent.

I've been trying to get you on forever.

Yeah, dude.

You're one of the people I needed on here.

I love this pod.

It's really cool to be here.

Thanks.

Yeah, thank you.

You're one of the true travelers among stand-ups.

I'm getting out there, man.

How many are there?

Like real people?

More and more, but...

Probably 15, maybe.

I don't know.

Well, the cool thing about you is you take time off.

Like, I remember at Skank Fest, I was like, hey, man, how do you like tell your your agents to limit your dates?

And you were like, you just tell them.

I was like, what?

And you're like, yeah, you say, I'm working 26 weekends this year.

I was like, you can do that?

You're like, yeah.

They're not going to be happy about it, but they will eventually listen.

Yeah, they're finally making money off me.

And now I'm going to be like six weeks in France.

Yeah.

Then they'll just hit you with like, we got to do this gig in the south of France.

Like nowhere near where you're staying.

Yeah.

It's fine.

Put me on a train.

Yeah.

I'll go make some untaxed Euro.

Yeah.

You're one of your Jews will be like, nice is nice.

Dude, Nice is nice.

Have you been there?

I've been been there three times.

I went there with Tim Dylan this last time in April and got like the decadent homosexual niece and it was awesome.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a specific.

Dude, when I tell people about this podcast, like, oh, have you already done that country?

I'm like, listen, my version of Paris is going to be way different than like.

Tim Dylan's eating and just...

Smoking in the fanciest hotel rooms.

Tim, I've been to so many like the best hotels in London.

Like the number one hotel in like the world is allegedly in London.

And Tim's just in there blasting sigs.

And then there's like a knock on the door for room service and Tim's like, come in.

And I'm like, I like grab Tim's sig out of his hand and throw it out the window.

Where do you want to go?

What should we do?

Because you're going to be on this podcast like 20 times.

I hope so, man.

Yeah.

So France.

I think we'll do France.

Okay.

This is one specific trip to France where I saw like more of it.

And then we did Paris at the end.

So you want to say Paris another time?

I don't know.

I mean, this might

be Paris, yeah, yeah.

You know?

Have you ever been there before?

Before this?

I'd been to Paris.

I'd been to Paris and I'd been to Nice.

I'd been to Paris like three times or four times before this, and then Nice once or twice before.

Yeah.

But yeah, this was the first

time.

Accentuate that.

Yeah, can you put some Jesus Christ?

I'm sorry, and it sucks because it comes out of nowhere.

That's how fat I am.

You would scurry by it, too.

It wasn't even like, oh, sorry.

Big deal.

Who cares?

Just clam chowder for breakfast.

I would love you to spit up like a baby.

Yeah, this is actually Bernays.

Just a baby's foot comes out.

So I slurp it back in like a noodle.

This was the first time I'd been to the less traveled parts of France.

And I went out there with my wife and two of our friends.

One of them's a Frenchman, which is like just an awesome experience to be traveling with a French guy.

Trans racist.

Frenchman.

Well, dude, I mean, they want to be like, oh, America, you love guns and you hate blacks.

And it's like, well, at least we're allowed pointy churches over here without torching them.

We didn't outlaw headgear, you know?

Like, their war against the Muz is fucking deep.

They hate them, huh?

They really, I mean, I don't want to speak for everyone.

Dude, I talked to a French comedian in Edison.

It's an oxymoron.

Yeah.

Whose act was he doing in French?

And that's a lot of that, huh?

There's a lot of that.

They're like, they'll never know.

Let's just split it up.

You get Chris Rock, I'll get Seinfeld.

You get Louis.

Yeah, it's genius.

It worked forever.

Dude, Mike Ward, when he meets one of the, because the French Canadians have this battle with the French.

Yeah.

And when he meets

one of them, one of the French comedians, and they'll see, like, the guy was like, hey, good joke.

He goes, I did it on TV already.

Like, I'm not even playing this game.

But wait, what was I saying?

You were talking about.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he said, like, listen, we're all very liberal, but at some point, we start going like, fuck, it keeps happening in the same neighborhood.

I mean, the American experiment of the melting pot is cool, but also we have a lot more space and we're not as old.

So like the French are like, we've been here forever and we want to like, this like way of life that you guys love and admire and come here to experience, we're trying to protect that, you know?

Interesting.

So I mean, it's like, I obviously, I'm on the side of empathy first, but there is like an argument that could be made

to keeping kill them all.

Yeah, I mean, that's less nuanced than the one I was going to make.

But yeah.

So what'd you get into in France?

We flew.

I was in, in.

I did Tokyo for a week, and then I did Australia for a month touring with my wife.

And then we flew from.

You tour with your wife?

Yeah, I brought her down to Australia.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

She didn't open for me.

I'm not Sean Patton.

Did she go down under on you?

Oh, for sure.

Yeah.

It was crazy, though, because it was reversed.

Yeah, so she was sucking my nose.

Killed him there.

Yeah, so we had this like hellacious flight from Australia to Paris, which was like 20 hours.

Oh, what an out-of-the-way way to get there.

Yeah, but luckily some weird Australians gave me a bunch of like down-under benzos.

So I was like loopy and strange for the entire duration.

Dude, Australians go so hard.

Yeah, yeah.

They might go the hardest.

They're the wildest whites.

Interesting.

They're also the newest whites, I think, like as far as like having their own cultural identity.

So they're still kind of the wild west.

Figure it out.

Wildest whites.

Yeah.

And again, they have this giant landmass, but there's like 25 million of them living in there.

Yeah.

What are the top five wildest whites?

Irish are up there.

Scottish.

Scottish.

They're stabby.

Yeah, they're screwdriver stabbers, too.

Wow.

Yeah, they don't.

They can't afford a knife.

Come on.

Could have bought a pint or a knife.

I think, yeah.

And then obviously, like, the Manchurians, the Manchester people.

Oh, those.

Of the UKers.

Yeah.

And then I would go ahead and say just...

Canadians are wild.

There's like, who can you keep up with?

It's hard.

I mean Canadians are.

I think that there's parts of Canada that are wild.

They drink a lot.

They drink hard.

And then, you know,

God forbid you insult the Nordiques or whatever, and then they'll break a bottle over your head.

But I've never been like afraid of a Canadian.

Yeah.

Australians.

I'm not afraid of Australians, but they are wild.

It's the same way that like teenagers in America, if you see a pack of like four teenagers, I'm like scared, you know?

And I feel like if you get Australians in a group at the casino, then I'm kind of scared.

But what I want.

They don't fight, but they could

start fucking within eyesight.

Oh, for sure.

Yeah.

And they're so funny, too.

Oh, they're great.

Yeah.

They're always willing to do buckets.

But they love a bucket.

Love a bucket.

Love a bucket.

It's like in their constitution.

See me the national bird is a bucket.

Dude, you can see them get turned out, especially people who like are now have a straight life, you know, and they're like a family with kids.

And then you'll be like, they have buckets here.

They'd be like, what?

They're just like,

oh.

They're always eating like chill.

Like, their diet is like stuff a foster kid would want.

It's like a meat pie and like just like a melted cup of cheese and they're dipping the pie in there.

How are they not all obese?

Oh, it's because they don't eat the same food we do.

That's the thing.

Our food is poison.

Oh, really?

And like you could be like a glutton in other places, but it's not like a GMO, like lab-made thing that's built to kill you.

So Cuboys, we eat like shit.

Me and Bobby ate like shit.

We both lost weight.

Oh, dude.

I mean, I go abroad and I eat like a pig, but I'm also walking like 10 miles a day and not just ingesting stuff that was made in a laboratory.

What a challenge for you, Tim Dillon.

Like, let's try to pig out and lose weight.

Let's try to prove it.

Dude, I love traveling with Tim because we'll go to the fanciest restaurant in Copenhagen and then he'll have the hired driver drive us to get a waffle with whipped cream afterwards because he didn't get enough.

All right, let's go to France.

I just fuck up all the time.

No, you never get to the country I'm talking about.

Enough kvetching.

So we arrive in Paris.

Me and my wife had like a night in Paris, and then we met up with Tessa and Gregoire, and we went west and we went to How'd you go?

Train bus?

Train, yeah.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, we went to Van in Nantes and then Brittany, Bretagne.

How far is this?

Call up a map for me.

Yeah.

No, this won't be big enough.

No.

But

it's it wasn't that far.

I mean, it was like maybe a two-hour

countryside shit.

Yeah, so Bretagnier is really cool, or Brittany, as they call it.

Yeah.

It's like it's where

the UK, it's where like Great Britain and France converge.

Okay.

It's over there.

See that like little tit that's coming off, the nipple on the left side?

Near Toulon.

Yeah, no, Brittany on the left.

On the left side.

It's Brittany-Bretagne.

So yeah, we went from Paris all the way over.

Wait, where's Paris there?

Where it's in like in the middle-ish.

Limousine.

There's a Limousine.

Was that where that was invented?

I love finding out things are invented in a place.

It's got to be, right?

Sardinia has sardines.

Yeah.

Cote d'Aron is from Rhone.

Yeah, for sure.

For sure.

Where's Paris?

How can there's no Paris on this map?

It's right there.

Oh, yeah.

There's

small.

And then we rode out.

We went to the west out there.

And there's Vaughan.

Vaughn is down there underneath Bretagne.

Yeah, I see it.

Yeah, so we went there, and then we went up to Brest.

And we rode a ferry over to Brest.

And then we went north up to Normandy, and we went to San Michael

Isle Saint-Michel.

I think this was like a two-week trip.

We went to where St.

Michael's grave is.

You know that picture?

Could you look up,

what is it?

Who's St.

Michael's?

From the Bible?

The sequel.

Yeah.

Not y'all's.

Not from Motley Crew?

Yeah, no.

Yeah, there he is.

Archangel, nice.

Yeah, and he's buried in like...

Judaism.

Hold on.

No way.

How is he part of Judaism?

Pump the brakes.

Back up one.

Back up one.

Fuck this guy.

He was the first guy to come to the bottom.

Same like I was an archangel in Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Baha'i.

Well, Baha'is just fucking borrows.

Champion of justice and a healer and the guardian of.

Hey, guys, just so you know, you'd be tripping stand strongly against Baha'i.

They're the hacks of religion.

What's Baha'i's deal?

They just take what everyone else does and go, you guys all believe this?

Then it's us too.

What?

So they're the fusion cuisine of religion?

Yeah.

Okay.

They go, oh, everyone has like no killing?

I guess that's true.

Huh.

And they go, wait, don't mix linen and cotton?

No, that's just you Jews.

They're just universalists.

Yeah.

Oh, gross.

Yeah.

Pick a side.

Pick a side.

Yeah.

You got to die for something.

Baha'i's belief is that racial, class, and religious prejudice should be eliminated by force.

Yeah, by any means necessary.

Eradicate those who won't join.

What was this guy's grave?

Did you pour some out?

No, my wife, it was her birthday.

It's Isle San Michel, I think.

You've seen it.

Mon San Michel.

It's like the the island where they have the big cathedral on it and it's like you have to walk out during low tide.

Hell yeah.

We went there and it was my wife's birthday.

Did you do that?

Yeah, dude.

We walked and then they threw a rave in the church after hours, but like no one went.

So it was just me and my wife and my two friends like smoking hash in this church and like hard styling on like saints graves.

It was a very nice evening.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

This place?

Yeah.

Hold on.

Do you have pictures of that?

I have a picture of us in the church.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, that's St.

Michael's grave.

What's hard styling?

That's hard styling?

Well, no, we would do the thing where you would like two hands like hardcore bands do, you know, or like the double hand claps, kneeling on one knee.

No.

Okay, you don't listen to enough

church burning music.

Exactly.

Let me see it.

Let me see what you're talking about.

So right behind her there is the thing you walk across and you're divided completely.

And then that's just like a...

And then at some point, you're like, you just can't get there?

Sometimes there's like none of that sand is there at all, and you're just in this like floating island, totally disconnected with this ancient abbey that they built.

Allegedly, St.

Michael's in there, but uh, yeah, this is that's his grave right there.

That's a faraway look on your chick's face.

What a definitely posed.

I don't know, just enjoying it.

She just got her birthday cock.

I, dude, when her birthday comes around, I like, no, I have to do a good job.

So, like, I wake up and like, you know, just drink a bunch of water.

Yeah.

I'm doing squats, like, in the shower, trying to loosen my hips.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is her casual pose.

This picture took me maybe 20 minutes to finally get the right one.

Really?

She's like, I don't look wistful enough.

It's like, you don't know what that means.

But yeah, and then,

where is it?

This,

that's a different place.

But yeah.

Damn.

And then we went down to, we stayed at Gregoire's grandparents' house in...

Sab Les Sable, Orléans.

Hey guys, I got to break in really quickly to tell you about Sam Talon.

He's the guest on today's episode.

He's a great comedian.

I first saw him in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

They put him on a show with me.

I was there for one night at a comedy festival.

And I knew right then, not only did he have talent,

that's not a play on his name.

Oh, God, I'm sure he's heard of that about a billion times, huh?

But not only did he have talent, not only is hilarious, but also he has, among comedians, widely

widely regarded as the worst legs in the business.

Yeah, they give out go towards all the time.

Used to be one, it was Richard Pryor, and now there's like 20 comics who say they're the GOAT.

But who's the GOAT of terrible legs?

Well, I say there's only one.

And it starts and finishes with Sam Talent's legs, and he shows them off.

He's not afraid to brag about what he's got, which is the worst legs in comedy.

But he's also an author and not just like what everybody does, just do your fucking personal stories.

No, he wrote an actual book,

Running the Light, and it's being reissued by Penguin Random House right now.

Yeah, today it's out.

Guys, I did an audio book, audio chapter of this book.

Mark Norman did one.

Burt Kreiser did one.

A lot of people found out that comedians couldn't read.

You want to hear that audiobook?

It's pretty enlightening, but probably better just to read it yourself.

So order the new copy of the new issue of the book, Running the Light Right Now, with a new foreword by Doug Stanhope

and a preview chapter of his next book right now.

Get it at samtalent.com or penguinrandomhouse.com.

You can also see his special, The Toad's Morale.

Toad's Morale?

I think it's Morale.

On YouTube right now.

And also see him on the road.

He's got, ooh, he's got a ton coming up.

Vancouver, Washington, Houston, Texas, Kansas City, Lexington, Iowa City, Omaha, Nebraska, Glasgow.

Here we go.

Here we hear.

Here we fucking go.

London, Manchester, Amsterdam, Portland, Maine, Eugene, Oregon, Brisbane.

Oh, he's going out there.

Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland, Perth.

Hitting all the big ones.

Brisbane.

I gotta love it.

Dayton, Ohio, Salt Lake City, Charlotte, New Brunswick, and Timonium.

Tickets right now at samtalent.com, T-A-L-L-E-N-T.

Guys, I

have some words for you.

I'm gonna be in Vancouver, Canada on April

5th.

Show Show added.

April 6th in Calgary, April 7th in Edmonton, and April 4th in Seattle.

Get tickets right now at Arieshafir.com, the farewell tour.

And then I got Anchorage in June, and then I'm pretty much gone until 2027.

What else do I got?

Oh, this weekend.

I've got Orlando and Fort Lauderdale.

Tickets are pretty much sold out for those.

Shows have been added in all the Canadian cities and all the Florida cities.

Show will not be added in Seattle.

Get tickets at arieshafir.com.

Subscribe wherever you're listening to.

You'll be tripping, everybody.

We've got a bunch of great new episodes.

Andrew Schultz on the podcast next week.

Damn it, I was supposed to say that in the outro.

But regardless, guys, check out Sam Talon's stuff.

Oh, and the storytelling show is selling quickly.

April 20th, 21st, 22nd, surprise lineup in New York City.

Get tickets to one show only.

That's right.

One show only per night.

If you want to come to a second show, you can, but not the same night.

You'll be turned away and you will not be refunded if they catch you.

they'll be looking um

uh but that's on april 20th 21st 22nd dress up if you want wear something nice don't fucking call attention to yourself by wearing a fucking top hat and a dumb and dumber suit but dress up you know have a good time it's a funeral putting this show to bed ari shafira's renamed storytelling show for now that's the title i'm looking for names if you guys have any idea for names um the old company that i used to work with is not being the most forthcoming but we'll see we'll see maybe they get get cooler

in the next couple weeks.

But if they don't, I'm looking for names.

Please suggest names in

the whatever below.

The comments below.

Maybe I'll leave a comment on there.

And comment yourself.

Who you'd like to see on the podcast?

Who you'd like to,

whatever.

Guys, let's get back to the episode.

All tickets are available at RShifer.com.

Subscribe.

Get my Go for a Hike shirt right now.

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All at RShaffir.com.

Let's get back to Sam Talent taking us around France and also being sidetracked constantly by other travel stories, which happens for great travelers when they come on this podcast the first time.

I'll see you in the episode.

Is this touristy out here in these places?

Are you just like off on your own doing like the boots on the ground kind of guy?

Brittany is touristy because it's so pretty.

Yeah.

And like they have all these insane pools in Brittany.

Here I'll show you.

Bretagne.

Like, yeah, it's like just this kind of stuff.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

And like everyone is toppless.

Dude, everyone's toppers.

Yeah.

Yeah, we were just like nude a lot.

I I took a huge out by that.

Did you

nude it up?

Yeah, I was nude.

I got nude in the water, though.

I didn't walk in nude.

You got and then came back in?

I would get in, I'd take my shorts off, be like, ooh la la, wave them over my head.

I'm not mega fawning into the water

from the parking lot, just getting out of your car.

Yeah.

Yeah, when do you, it's like, how do you take it off?

It's such a, it's such an event.

In the water is probably a good idea.

Well, if you're a pretty lady with rock and cans no one cares no one cares and it's also france so like they have a much better understanding of like what's allowed do you get looked at i had i went to one in perth near perth and it was just it was a gay one and they would go out of the way to come in towards you get a real good glimpse and then walk back dude first time i ever went to a nude beach with my wife and this tessa lady yeah was in uh Barcelona or Valencia.

And dude, there was this like ice cream truck behind us.

And these 14-year-old boys were doing laps to the ice cream truck and just like staring at my wife and Tessa's tits and then they would like eat the ice cream.

This dude must, this one kid must have had like five popsicles in an hour because he was just doing laps around us and like

just leering and licking it.

For that age too you're like, oh yeah.

You're feral at that age.

I'm glad he didn't attack her.

Just a drop bear latching.

Yeah, no, for sure.

No one's doing a lap on me.

They're like, is it a penis or is it an acorn?

Do you get comfortable after a while?

Me, Me, dude?

No, dude.

I'm doing it so my wife won't think I'm a pussy.

That's like why I do anything uncomfortable.

It's so hard to drop it, but then once you're dropped, I don't know.

I got kind of like, I stopped thinking about it.

Well, you have like a legendary piece, though.

No, but

the balls are what's at.

Let me show you.

Okay, I mean, I've seen your balls and penis.

Yeah, I've been in, I've been in stand-up for a couple of months

for sure.

Seen your cock and balls.

You're like, this is going to be sexual, but it will be disheartening and like disconcerting.

Welcome to stand-up.

Yeah, I want to look at at it clinically, like through a lens.

It isn't forked.

We should make every new comic in Austin have to look at it through a magnifying glass.

I mean, yeah, if they go to do Kill Tony, they'll do a lot more than look at it.

Topography or...

That's right.

Dude, these comics who use Kill Tony, their credit for a guest set is the number of the Kill Tony episode they were on.

And it's like, no one cares.

No one fucking cares.

You were on episode 664.

Yeah, no.

You probably saw him on Kill Tony, episode 520.

It's like, no.

There's no one saw us.

But yeah, we took this trip

and it was a nice time.

How did you clear this much time to take this trip and money?

I did Japan and we were filming there for Wide World.

Wide World.

Wide World.

I mean, I'll put it in the bumper, but what a fucking cool idea.

It's fun.

So you don't do any filming for the show while you're doing it.

What do you mean?

I mean, like, you just do voiceover the whole time.

You're not doing setups and shit.

No, we don't do any setups.

It's just us on vacation.

Right.

It's like, it's me and my fat friends being bumbling oaths abroad.

It's like we're not going in kayaks like through, you know, the mangroves.

The influencer thing of like.

Yeah, no.

It's like this is stuff that you and your dumb friends could pull off.

It's like we found a good sandwich and ate it in a park.

Like that's a nice day of vacation, if you ask me.

Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, I worked all of Australia for a month.

I took like two nights off while I was there.

So we had a little bit of fun.

I was like, let's go to

Paris on the way back or France on the way back.

Yeah.

And then we filmed Paris Wide World after the end of this trip.

So I was gone for like a total of like nine weeks.

Damn.

Tax deductible.

It's all deductible.

Film a couple couple shots.

Tax deduction.

Dude, I fucking love deductions.

Yeah.

And I'm, uh, and it's interesting because now I'm a big receipt hoarder.

And then I just drop them on my dad at the end of the year.

Make him do it?

He loves to do my taxes.

That's such a, you know, how like the thing of like just like bathing and like in like money or whatever or like gold coins.

Yeah, yeah.

It's very Jewish.

Yeah, you mean birthright?

Yeah, I've heard of it.

Just dropping receipts on an account.

I love receipts.

I love being like, hey, the man, you can't get any of this money.

I heard once, David Spade said, I'm wrong, that he did, he was skiing in Vail for like 10 days and then did one show in Denver in the middle to make the whole thing tax deductible.

And he goes, I don't, I don't ski.

That's just a wrong, that's a wrong story.

And I'm like, damn, I was sure.

Yeah, what?

Yeah.

He goes, that's just not true.

Huh.

Yeah.

I mean, just go sit in a chalet.

Sit in a show.

They're not going to follow your tracks.

Yeah.

Spade.

Yeah.

But he's someone else.

Anyway, though.

So, okay, cool.

So I was like pretty haggard at this point because I'd already been out for like five weeks.

Could you get up and do stuff?

Oh, yeah.

I always get up and do stuff.

Your tip about when you land, not going to bed, that's like the ultimate hack.

It's so easy.

Just go.

Put your shit down and go.

Hit the ground, get outside, walk around.

Also, like, do the lap.

You said that on an episode where you do the lap around your building.

So that way, the last day, you're not like, oh, there's a bookstore behind the building.

Super cool books are right here that I never got to.

Yeah, because you're like, oh, I better, I have to find the train station so I can ride to all these places.

It's like you're in a neighborhood where people live if you're staying in, like, a cool place.

Yeah.

Go out there and find where the nice piece of bread is.

Find where the good cup of coffee is.

Yeah.

It's almost a blessing when you get there and like, we can't check in yet, but we can store your bags.

Anyway, awesome.

Sick.

Cool.

That's actually what I need.

Yeah.

So I'm not going to take a shower.

I'm just going to hit the streets.

I break.

It's fine.

Yeah, that shower slows you down so much.

You go in there, like, let's just brush our teeth at the shower.

And like, now it's two hours.

Right, I know.

Check the internet.

Yeah, and you're on your phone for the first time.

You're like, oh, where should we go to dinner?

Three hours later.

Yeah.

Yeah, it sucks.

If I could leave my phone behind while on vacation, I would.

But Google Maps is like such a necessary part of it for me.

Yeah.

Just because I like knowing how to get home.

I don't mind leaving and then just like hitting the streets.

And I love getting on a train and riding to the end of that line.

And then like having a day over there and then riding back the other way the next day.

That's a fun way to do vacation.

What do you mean?

Oh, riding.

Oh, that's just the opposite direction.

You like get on a subway and you just ride it to the end.

That's cool.

And then you're going to be invariably in a port or like a part of town you wouldn't go to because it's the end of the line.

Yeah.

And that's like an easy way to like surprise yourself on vacation.

Like force yourself into like, well, we're doing this area.

I think it's just novelty.

Yeah.

So like I'm constantly looking for novelty and like something new.

And if you plan novelty, it loses the luster.

Yeah, this is the problem with the Jesuit look offensive.

Yeah.

Like once you call it the offensive no one's offended

knowing what it's going to be so it's like right it's like this is the spot that some blogger says first of all great reference all right that show from eight years ago

yeah but lose the novelty yeah cutting edge already yeah

it's uh yeah once you do a novel thing on purpose you're right it loses the novelty you have to just be in something or if like someone has an idea you're like cool don't tell me any more about it you find out where the destination is let's go.

Because I do all the wide worlds, like with my friends from like third grade, you know, like they film it.

So if one of them's like, like, my cousin said he went to this thing, it's like, great, we're gonna do that.

That sounds good.

Let's go.

I don't want to hear anything else about it.

Yeah, I'm good.

I don't want to walk in with any like preconceived notions.

Let me show you pictures.

Don't, I'm already going.

Dude, we went to this Gundam in fucking Tokyo.

What does that mean?

It's a like a fucking, I don't know, four-story robot that has like hydraulics in it.

And I thought it was going to like launch and like leave the ground yeah but no it like just like moved its ankle and like slowly raised its hand yeah this fucking thing they shut it down thank god i think i had a hand in it yeah go slots yeah so you can like go up to the top and observe it and i was there with a gundam dork and he's like look at the servos and i was like what the fuck's a servo dude and i guess it's just like one piston that like kind of raises its arm yeah look at this and it's like four stories high yes it's four stories high you can go to the top freaks they're so weird yeah and it doesn't do anything except for light up and like slowly move oh no and if i would have known about the gundam i would have been like i'm not going to that it's a waste of time that sounds awful it was very good light up not bad that's a good light up yeah that's actually not a great light up i feel like it's only a couple lights no yeah just a couple big lights actually in hindsight no that that light up was kind of lame look at its arm that's all you get and then who are these toto plays

is that is that chad singing

Oh, no, it's not.

It's guitar.

It looks like.

Oh, yeah.

Show those packs.

Yeah.

Look how their hair is.

It's so funny, the feathering that they get involved in.

Yeah.

What a weird society.

That's the next episode you got to do,

Japan with me.

Yeah.

But yeah, we're in France.

Yeah.

This guy's like, we honor and revere the Gundam.

Thank you for defending us against the Chinese blight.

That's what it is.

You keep the shores safe.

I mean, they put a bunch of money to this thing.

I bet they tried to design it as like a weapon of war, and then they were like, well, this is ludicrous.

It's not working, but let's scare people off.

Oh, they have trans there.

I think they call it the third gender.

Yeah.

Dude, the androgyny that's part of being Japanese is so exciting.

I mean, you're right on the line already.

Yeah.

It's such a small, like, I'm just going to fully.

All right.

And then when they get the surgery to open their eyes even more, it's like, whoa.

That's a weird one.

There's two surgeries I love from Japan.

Yeah.

It's that opening the eyes one.

And then the pussy correcting.

What?

Well, usually it's sideways.

I was going to say the fucking having honor one.

The final surgery.

The final surgery.

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Let's get back to the episode.

All right,

back to France.

Yes.

Oh, come on.

Come on, man.

Oh, wait, is that a real thing?

The pussy surgery?

Vaginal rejuvenating?

It is surprising.

Listen, I hated that.

You did the right thing, though.

Yeah.

But yes, we were in France and we just took trains to all these like

Van and Nantes.

These are places where people don't go.

They're like university towns.

Okay.

So yeah, but like Gregoire had gone to college in one of these places, so he knew the cool spots.

Dude, being with like a person from that place is so invaluable.

I call it Boots on the Ground.

Boots on the Ground, yeah.

And so like, did you do the China run?

No, I have not.

Shanghai, Hong Kong, and Beijing, whatever.

But like, so with that one, it's so far.

Yeah.

You know?

And, but you get some comedians who are just living there from their bank, you know, whatever.

Yeah.

Contracts and stuff.

But yeah, they've been there.

Yeah.

So like, what's there?

I don't want to open up a Lonely Planet.

Like, what's there actually to do?

Yeah.

And they're like, oh, Tuesdays, it's this spot.

Right.

Yeah.

And then you're like, oh, cool.

And you meet people who live there.

Yeah.

And then they're eager to tell you about the stuff that they like too.

Yeah.

And they're also like, well, you did the work of like finding this place, so you must be curious.

So if you're in here, like you give a shit.

If you like that.

So I'm going to tell you where my favorite vantage point is in the city.

Plus also if you're in a place like that, it seems like they wouldn't be like fucking tourists.

They'd be like, oh, yeah, cool, tourists.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you're putting money into this bar that I come to every day.

Yeah.

I'm not being loud and obnoxious.

I don't speak any French except for I'm sorry and may I please have.

Puja voir.

Puja voir.

Puja voir un cappuccino, si vous play.

Dude, I learned that.

I took that writing class.

Rolf Potts has a writing class.

Yeah.

Anyway, gone.

But I learned that, puja voir une, whatever.

And then this guy who fucking knew tons of French goes, that's pretty formal.

I'm like, fuck off, bro.

I've been here for 10 days.

I'm going with it.

They understand me.

Uh-huh.

And that's the thing about France, dude, is like they are rude to you because you are an American pig and

you're revolting.

Let's just go on that.

But if you walk into a place, you walk into the bakery.

I flicked my booger before I got in here.

Yeah.

My hands are covered in honey.

But I was winning the poo-ing.

But if you walk in and you just greet everyone in there, if you're like, bonjour, madame, everyone.

You just fucking gun them with that then they're like

all right what do you want and then you puis je voie un uh croissant and they're like oh okay you put the sink on croissant

but you just have to walk into every place and greet everyone because that's part of their cultural norm there yeah and then the puigoie and then get the hell out of the way i'm trying a little bit yeah i heard this tell me if i'm wrong okay that um the store people work the stores are the owners of the stores yeah yeah so when you go in there start touching stuff like, hey, man, hello, yeah, you're in my fucking place.

Yeah, and then people don't look at it that way because we come from here.

We're like, you're just working for eight bucks an hour.

You're just doing retail, yeah, yeah, in between classes.

Yeah, usually, you walk into a place, and if you're in the sardine place, that guy's been importing sardines for his entire life, so he is interested to be like, okay, do you like lemon sardines?

Because if you do, these are the best lemon sardines over here.

Or do you like a savory or like a spicy sardine?

Like, his whole thing is curating his selection in his store.

Damn.

Yeah.

Did you have that there?

Oh, for sure.

I made so many tinned fish.

I love tinned fish.

I'm getting into it.

Yeah, it's good.

On a little bit of toast with those big salt things.

Yeah, it's not just for like dads in their new apartment anymore.

It's not just the mom left meal.

Yeah, exactly.

Kurt being out.

What was his complex?

I don't remember, but I do remember him saying, I sleep in a race car bed, Homer.

And Homer says, I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

And he's like, uh-huh.

So, yeah, we just were,

we went all the way out and we did like two or three nights in each of these places.

And Greg Wire pretty much did a victory lap of when he was a young man.

So I don't like like techno dance clubs and stuff, but I can like, I was drink, I drink a lot when I'm over there.

So I can like get a couple in me and then unbutton.

Nice.

I thought it was going to be booze.

Who put that in there?

It's a flayed cock.

Oh, boy.

It was so sad.

And they say cigar is not hands-on here in the studio.

Okay.

All right.

My wife got me a globe.

She, like, told me for, like, a week.

I was on the road.

She's like, I got you something at the house.

You're going to lose your fucking mind.

And I thought she, like, tore a wall down and like put up stained glass.

Yeah.

But no, I get home and she's like, all right.

And uncovers my eyes and it's a globe.

And I was like, oh, cool.

And she's like.

I paid $525 for that because you always wanted a globe in your house.

You said you wanted your niece to be able to spin a globe and point at it.

You can tell her about the place.

And I was like, oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't give a shit about this globe.

That's just something I said in passing.

Also, 40 bucks will get that done.

Oh, dude, I know.

And there's like, there's like precious rocks and stuff for every country.

She did a really good job.

She got a beautiful globe.

And I like rolled my eyes audibly at it.

My mom found a deal on globes when we were little, and that was the Bar Mitzvah gift we'd get to everybody.

Globe?

Yeah, just a globe.

You don't have one.

No one else is getting you one.

Yeah, now you have it.

Yeah.

You can fucking do it.

Yeah, here you you go.

You can dream about doing the spin, and I'm going there.

Yeah, and it's always the ocean.

Yeah,

it's always also northern hemisphere.

No one ever goes like under.

Yeah, yeah.

You're never thumbing it.

What food did you have there?

Were there any like specific, unique dude?

We so, Gregoire, French, hell of a chef.

Oh, that one's cool.

The Earth Day one.

All the way on the right.

Earth Day.

April 20th, right?

No, that's weed day.

I know, but I feel like it's also Earth Day.

That's bullshit.

That's why you'll never say it gets saved.

Here's some tasty snacks that we had.

A clair's and stuff.

Before?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, so you guys, like, cooked and shit?

We would cook and shit.

Dude, the cheese plates in France.

Oh, look at those tin fish.

Yeah, tin fish.

And I think.

Do you drink that juice?

No, dude.

That fuck you up.

Right?

You want the slipperiest diarrhea you've ever had?

You drink the liquid.

Yeah, no, I actually did.

I took a dump out here.

No.

Yeah.

Come on, bro.

Out by these boats.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, I was like out there nude.

And

you hike down to this remote beach.

There's no toilets.

So you just get in the water and you take a dump.

How do you take it?

Well, hold on.

Pissing in the water is hard because you feel like you're in.

Once you get it going, you're okay.

How do you even start a dump when you're encased in water?

You just let it rip.

You had no issues with it?

No, I've done it a bunch.

I've like, I've dumped in a lot of lakes, a lot of rivers and stuff.

Are you trying to check shit off?

Like, I got to dump in this one?

No, I just often have to dump.

I eat like three tins of fish and a loaf of bread, and then they're like, We're going to the water.

I'm like, All right, I'll be fine.

How do you get away from it?

Dude, it's crazy because when you dump, that thing comes out like the Loch Miss monster.

It like pops up.

It's always the best turd you've ever had because the water condenses it.

So, like, yeah, so like one time I was dumping in Fort Collins, and it came out and was like, boop, like it, like

it came out of the water.

The lower you go, the more like

the velocity holding a ball down down there and it's just like a

dude, but it's a human turd.

Wait, what?

Yeah, but it popped up right by my shoulder and I was like, ah, and I was splashing it away.

And then I looked up and there was like these turtles on the cliff.

Turdis, very good.

You should refer the Jeselnik offensive.

What an old reference.

They busted me splashing my old turd away.

But yeah.

Sorry about the turd talk.

Turd talk's not bad.

Where the hell?

You should give a turd talk.

Where the hell is it?

There's...

okay, I guess like.

The turd?

No, I don't have the turd.

No.

I was in the water.

Dude, that's, I mean, like, that's crazy.

It's not that crazy.

I mean, have you guys ever shit in water?

Yes.

Wow!

You think you're this Bon Vivon out there getting the marrow out of life?

You never dumped in the water?

I think we dumped onto the water, but not like

I've dumped from a pool into water before.

That's a fun one.

Oh, yeah, this is the shit right here.

Whoa.

Here we go.

So, like, these cargo.

See, these guys down here, these little, like, fucking dinosaur toes.

Yeah, what the fuck?

These grow on rocks out there.

So, like, me and Greg Warr would swim out and, like, we would go into, like, these little, like, rock-like canyons, and he would just pull, like, a mollusk off and, like, crack it open against the rock, and then we would eat them out there.

Raw right then?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

What?

And then would you just collect some for later?

Or is this from a store?

No, this was from a restaurant, but uh,

yeah.

these are oysters.

Wait, he would just eat them raw like that?

Oh, dude, we were crushing.

We were eating mussels right off the rocks.

You don't put any salt on them or anything just.

They're really salty from the salinity of the water.

Right.

Yeah, unless it's like a freshwater area and then they're just like really crisp.

It's like eating Poseidon's cum.

It's perfect.

And then these are cool.

These little sea snails.

Look how fucked up that thing is.

This is like a toenail, and then you have to like rip this toenail off so you can get to like the okay sweet flesh underneath.

It's not worth a lot of the work.

Yeah.

But yeah, so like mussels are big over there.

They have mule fruits, which is the big bowl of mussels in broth and then french fries and you dip the french fries in the mule water.

Yeah.

That's the.

Why do they call it mule water?

Mules is mussels.

Oh, and also slang for pussy in France is mule.

I mean, yeah.

Yeah.

That works.

It's very libidinal.

A lot of mayonnaise involved.

Wait.

Oh.

Did you have es cargot?

Obviously, if you had that, you have an escargot.

I really will eat anything.

I think I ate dog in

Tokyo.

i definitely ate pig valve like pig heart valve and then they like served us like this like wink like special and i was like i couldn't ask what it was because it's tokyo and then i just munched it and it was like very very dark gamey meat and then this dude from tokyo was like if they liked you it could have been dog i was like right on if they because they're treating you yeah they're like this guy's obviously an adventurous like how you've been to every place and adventure but you're like let me go to the underground where they actually don't serve dog and get it there i mean

dude if you're like a nice nice guy on vacation, people are very eager to show you their city.

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This guy gave my wife a tattoo, and it turned out he was a foot fetishist.

My buddy Greg Ward translated like this thing he saw, and it's like, he's in defeat.

And all the pictures he took was just holding my wife's foot.

Look at him, he's so stoked.

Yeah.

You went surfing?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did not get a wetsuit.

They didn't have a wetsuit for me.

Like, that's the.

Yeah.

But yeah, I got out there and paddled around.

Wow.

I like surfing when you like, when you're just like, I'm done, I can't get up anymore.

And you just like boogie board in.

Oh, I've never gotten up.

This is this is a cool one.

This was in Vaughan, I think.

And it's this like yearly festival that we stumbled upon where they do boat jaft.

Watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out.

Yes.

Oh, wait, what?

Yeah, they do boat jousting, and that guy just spells it.

Rewind.

Rewind.

What?

Yeah, man.

What?

So we just like stumbled across this canal.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, and then beefs it.

No, dude.

I want to fucking

and like, he's like a city councilman.

Like, he represents, like, he's an elected official.

What?

And he just bombed in front of all of his constituents.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

I mean, he's not even.

Oh, there's a little bit of shake.

Yeah.

And look at that other guy.

He's like, no, I won.

Loser.

Then they're all jumping in the water.

Yeah, this was like.

Wait.

Oh, my God.

That's fun.

We got to apply jousting to more stuff in life.

Oh, dude.

Aquatic sports in general is fun.

Like, if they had a pool basketball league, I would join that.

You're already in the water.

You're in the water.

Not swim.

Spit on your joints.

No.

Yeah, right.

I swim a lot at the gym in Detroit.

And due to that city's demographics, the pool's always empty.

Danny Brown doesn't go home and use the pool.

No, no.

He can't get his neon hair wet.

Yeah, I mean, I have a variety of fun photos here.

Wow.

How long did you stay in each city?

Just till whenever?

Yeah, we were in, we went to Sable de Orleón to stay with Gregoire's

grandparents, and they didn't speak a lick of English, but they had cocktail hour every day at four.

Yeah.

And if we weren't there for cocktail hour, it was like a massive affront to their way of life.

So we had to always come back from like the beach or like riding bikes.

And we show up and at four, she pours a little shot.

You drink that.

There's like an insane cheese plate and like me eating all the cheese made the grandmother love me yeah then she got more fucked up cheese as the week went on good customer I'm a great customer yeah I mean I'll eat whatever you put in front of me you old bag like what like toey cheese like cheese that has like it's like mostly blue veins like there's no white to it it just reeks like like like a fucking puppy mill or something I like the Rockford but like once it's like it can turn on you fast.

Oh, I'm a huge Rockford guy.

Yeah.

But like this is great, this is great.

And then another bite, you're like, actually, you know what?

I think you're going to be nauseous.

Here's me in Paris looking like a stud.

This is like one of the good pictures of me.

Look at that guy.

Hold on.

Go down a little bit.

I'm trying.

My head doesn't fit for some reason.

There it is.

Yeah, look at that face, man.

Oh, what are you drinking?

I love a chalice on the river.

Yeah, natural wine.

If you go to France, dude, and you're not spending a good portion of your day at the river drinking wine, watching the sun go down, you're really not doing France correctly.

Where is the river?

it's like up and that way well the sine divides the city and paris but this isn't the sine is it this isn't paris yeah you can tell because i'm wearing a hat no is this the sine or is this one of those canals no this is a little canal yeah yeah but yeah i'm a big canal guy it's so easy to feel like a fanciful lad if you're just like sitting by a river with uh like uh smoking

oh over there yeah right come on it doesn't count dude i think i was he on this canal or right nearby it and then it's like i'm alone so i can't like blend in with anybody So I just like pull up roll drink and then move on just gonna overhear conversations Yeah, yeah, they're all talking about like life and shit and like dude.

They actually have like profound deep conversations over there Yeah, cuz they don't have that thing that we have where they're like concerned with being nice They want to be truthful like I was with this guy Zach mama who's a comedian.

I don't know if he's bothered you

He's a he's a French guy.

He's from Paris

Really good guy, but he came over to Paris with us and he was like my friends did not like him for the first couple days because, like, my buddy would get up the stairs and he'd be sweating, and he'd be like, You wouldn't be so sweaty if you were not so fat,

and then like be like,

I know, dude.

He's like, You're not talking to you, yeah, you're not breaking.

I wasn't asking, I was like, What is up with this sweat?

Yeah, what happened?

Why am I making my own juices, right?

Yeah, um,

that guy

was at a wedding.

That's your screensaver.

Wait, is that like a real or is that talk of?

That's a rat tail, dude.

Wow.

I think it's a religious thing.

What a rat tail.

It was the talk of the wedding.

Yeah.

I mean, he knows wherever he goes.

Yeah.

He walked in in the room and it was with all these comics and he walked by and we all just cheersed each other.

We saw it.

Yes.

Like, we don't have to worry about riffing tonight.

We've got the tail.

Yeah.

How is it traveling with your chick?

Do you guys fight?

Are you pretty cool?

No, because I just really equivocate to whatever she wants to do.

Because I'm super powerful for travel, too.

I'm on vacation.

It's like everything we do is going to be cool for me because it's brand new.

And like I said, like novelty is the thing that I care the most about.

So she's like, I want to go to this place that sells plates.

And then there's like a dress shop or whatever.

It's like, cool.

I want to go see French dresses.

I want to see you wear French dresses.

This is a life that I never imagined.

Yeah.

It does help to have a chick around for that reason.

They love looking stuff up, what to do.

Like, great, I was never going to do it.

I was going to walk aimlessly and miss most of the things.

I'm not going to pop into any shops ever.

Right.

Yeah.

And also, it helps to have like an attractive woman because people want to have her come in.

They're nicer to her.

When it's me and my fat friends, it's definitely like in Japan, dude, if you walk into a place and they don't want you in there, they'll hit you with this.

And that means like no Americans allowed.

What?

It's just at the door, they'll be like smiling big, but no.

We never got this with me and my wife.

They would like move people aside so we could sit down.

Pretty blonde.

Yeah, yeah, pretty blonde.

Let's go.

Brawl is blonde.

Which goes a long way.

What?

Can we start doing this?

We can't because we're not Japanese.

But how about like bachelorette parties at comedy shows?

Just

big smile, though.

Congratulations.

Hey, we're so happy for you.

We're still doing Japanese voice.

It's like, well, I don't want to appropriate it.

Right.

I want to give honor to who we took it from.

Yes, exactly.

It's a real headdress.

These are authentic feathers.

Yeah, no, traveling with her is good because,

like, I, dude, there's a lot of stuff that I never would have done if it wasn't because I don't want to look like a pussy in front of her.

So it's like, we will go scuba diving.

We'll go on this hike where there's like a little bit of vertical climbing.

Like, obviously not like this, but like up a steep incline.

Like in Nice, there's this insane fucking staircase that goes to the top of the city.

And I was there with my dad and my sister and we never went up there because it's like, I don't want to walk all the way up those stairs.

And like the first day, my wife was like, we should go up those stairs.

stairs I was like uh yeah it wouldn't be a trip to Nice without going up the stairs

yeah I mean if you spend any time with like when you share a hotel room with someone for a month straight there are gonna be arguments about like who left the sink dirty like that kind of stuff but as far as like actual vacation I think we do a pretty good job that's pretty key yeah yeah Pretty key to do things the right way.

Because also if some one person's like so into another thing and you're like, well, I want to go do drugs at a club and you want to go like do churches in the morning.

It's like, oh, that's not going to really work.

Or you got to be like, go do that.

I'll meet you later.

Do you take any time apart when you're like traveling with her?

That's an interesting question.

Like in Australia, I had gigs and stuff.

So at night.

And she's seen you enough where she's like, I don't have to come to the show.

She doesn't need to see me make fun of the wallpaper in a different room.

You know, she knows all the hits.

Someone's going to be wearing a funny hat, you know, and I'll make fun of it.

But the only thing that that fucks with is like dinner plans.

Cause it's like you want to go get dinner, but then you have to get dinner at like five at the shows at seven.

Yeah.

And that kind of sucks because there's not the ambiance.

But yeah, like she'll she'll definitely like break off if she wants to

go run in the morning.

I'm not going running.

That's one way.

No matter where we are.

Yeah.

Let me know how it was.

But I will meet you at the cafe and I'll have a coffee waiting for you.

Post-run.

Post-run.

Post-run coffee.

All sweaty.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah, no, I don't.

I do it with skiing when you get somebody who's like in a group.

It's like, no way.

But it's like, meet us at the top.

Like, oh, I'll take the gondola up.

For sure.

The gondola is fun.

The gondola is fun.

Yeah.

I mean, I like, I'll take a tram.

I'll take any kind of means of conveyance because it's just, it's, again, it's a different.

You've never been on this train before.

We tried skiing with like a bunch of comics.

Yeah.

It was PC and Shane came, but he's like, I don't really ski, though.

So he'd do like three runs shaky.

And then he's like, oh, these bars are sick.

And he's like, guys, come meet me every run.

Like, okay.

Yeah.

You have to go somewhere with people that you get along with.

Yeah.

You shouldn't test a new friendship on vacation, I don't think.

It is like overdrive, huh?

Yeah.

You really scrape away all like the, you become a Frenchman.

You're just like direct by the end of it because you're exhausted and dehydrated.

Move.

Yeah.

Come on.

I do love those deep philosophical discussions they get into.

Me too.

And when it's strangers and you're from one place and you're from another one, it's like you're never going to see this person again.

So you can talk about how you like don't think that people should give money to dog charities ever.

Right.

You know, like all the shit that you lie about, you can just tell them the truth.

Yeah, how you actually feel.

It's like if there's people who are homeless, maybe we should put all the money towards that, but towards why we like, you know, and then the dog shelters.

I see what you're saying.

However, don't you think it's a responsibility to other mankind?

And you're like, no.

Well, usually they're like, I don't value human life at all because I'm French.

So I've just been mired in existentialism since I was a boy.

And that's fun because I think Camus was like a very important part of my like

he's my favorite one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

of those guys

um

did you uh what did you think about outside of Paris like French people did you make any like observations about them uh the further out away from Paris you get the more you just have like normal people like they have eschewed living in Paris because they don't like Parisians either what is eschewed they've like turned their back on the notion you know like kind of poo-pooed it where they're like yeah Parisians are dickheads and that's why I live in Nantes and I'm a bartender at this like dive bar instead of moving moving to the big city.

Oh wow.

It's like when you go to Iowa City and the people are stoked because they never left Iowa City to move to Chicago.

Like that's what you're getting when you go to these smaller places.

New York City?

I wouldn't have.

There's so many Jews.

That's how they feel about Paris, but with Muslims.

Oh, interesting.

Okay.

But so they're just like...

What?

More chill?

More laid-back?

Less pretentious.

There's less of like a, I feel like people who live in Paris, like the people who are wearing just like the white and beige and black clothes of the Parisian, like, they're not putting on this like affect of, uh, I'm Parisian, you know?

It's like, I'm just a dude who like works at a coffee shop.

I could have left Vaughan after I got done with college, but I stayed because I met a chick and we were able to buy a house, that kind of thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's funny seeing everybody from New York and LA like realize that after COVID.

We're like, I can't be here.

And they're like, oh, actually, I did want a dock.

Yeah, yeah.

It's all I ever wanted.

Dude, it's, I mean, I live in Detroit now and we have like boat access.

Like, we live near a lake.

It's, it's very nice.

Wow.

Yeah.

And again, I like Parisians because I really like value that fancy, high-minded, like, a life built on aesthetics.

Like, I love beauty, you know?

And I feel like if you live in Paris, they have it in space.

I'm so into it.

Yeah.

Like, I mocked the Louvre in the Wide World episode.

I was like, if you come to Paris, don't go to the Louvre.

And it's like, I'm lying.

It's a joke.

You must go to the Louvre.

You must go to this like human temple to creativity.

Yeah, go see the fucking Louvre.

I have

one tip for travel.

It's just don't be an asshole.

Like you don't have to go to all the tourist spots, but if you're right near a pyramid,

just don't like, don't be an asshole.

Just go to the fucking Louvre.

Go to the pyramid.

Yeah, like take the fucking bus 15 minutes to go see this thing that people have built their lives around seeing.

Yeah.

Like don't ever fucking roll your eyes at a bucket list opportunity just because you like, you know, want to go to the bar at three instead.

What do you wish you had done out there that you didn't do?

Anything?

I just wish I knew French more.

I could, because like we stayed with these old people for like three days and i could have and it was by normandy you know and it's like this guy grew up in the shadow of normandy oh wow so it's like if i could have talked to him about like literally anything you think he was there then i don't think he was alive for it but i think that he was a boy when that happened so like you know that allegedly normandy beach belongs to america France gave us Normandy Beach because it wouldn't be Normandy Beach anymore without us.

Number one.

Yeah.

So there's all these little things.

Like if I could have deeper conversations with people who weren't like completely fluent in English I could really expand my horizons and leave with like all these little nuggets that then go into your stand-up or into your writing.

Yeah.

You know, the same way you talk to like an old guy at a train station in America and he tells you about like, you know, what life is like there.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's right.

So you can tell the difference between a Chicagoan and like, like you said, like an Iowa or town outside Iowa simply because your English is great.

So you can like get their vibes.

Yeah.

It would be nice to get like a actual vibe off some if you knew that level of what do you speak, anything?

I speak Spanish okay.

Yeah, but like if they're talking like fluent Spanish, I need them to talk so much slower and we're still not communicating.

We're like trying to achieve me buying the thing or

it's very like surface.

But yeah, no, I do most of the stuff on vacation I want to do.

That's clear.

Or if you're there, it's like get four hours sleep.

Like see the sunrise, you know?

Did you see any there?

Yeah, for sure.

Oh, wow.

Like in like curated sunrises, like going to see the sunrise come up behind the Eiffel Tower or over the water.

Or like there's a cool building.

It's like, I kind of want to see what like, I've seen midday sun on that building, this big glass wall.

It'd be cool to see like the dying sun and the rising sun on it.

Dude, no one's in front of the Eiffel Tower before sunrise.

No, dude.

And they have a huge lawn.

They're all going to this.

And it's this massive lawn.

And you're like, wait, nobody's here in the morning?

Yeah, there's no Sri Lankan guys trying to sell me the worst wine in the world.

That's after.

Yeah, yeah.

That's after sun up.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, the Eiffel Tower lights up at night and does a light show?

It's pretty sick.

I'm like a weeping romantic in the world.

Like, I want to be moved constantly.

And I think that's why I love Paris so much because, like, if you're just willing to walk around with your eyes up instead of on your phone, you're going to get hit over the head with something cool.

Such an architecture city.

Are there other cities like that?

Or not, really?

Yeah, well, I'm from Colorado, which is like Denver was built in like 1960.

Yeah.

So, like, I go to New York or Boston, and I'm like, this place is so fucking old.

I go to Philadelphia and I'm like, this architecture is nuts.

Cobblestone.

Yeah.

So over there, you're in Vaughan or Nantes, and it's like, these places were built a long time ago.

Do they have that French?

Let me see.

Do you have any of that?

Yeah, yeah.

Do they have that type of French architecture?

I always think it's kind of like that weird medieval castle architecture.

Did you stop into a lot of...

Yeah.

See, like these malliard roof places are

all over.

Those little step outside to smoke a cigarette while you look down on people.

Yeah, these are awesome.

Look at that chick taking a picture.

Wait, go back to that one.

Look at that chick.

She's definitely posing for someone.

That's my friend Tessa.

Oh, she's posing for you.

Oh, she was.

Okay.

Yeah.

But, like, look, like, this is like a medieval castle.

Like, we're inside of the garden.

Like, this wall over here

is like the...

That's that same chick with a hot foot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You should see.

Yeah.

So, like, we're just

eating a little sandwich picnic, and this is a medieval tower that, like, protected the city of Nantes from,

you know?

Yeah, so, like, this stuff is everywhere.

And like these are turrets up top where you can shoot out arrows.

Oh, yeah,

you pour lava on people.

Oh, that'd be nice.

Some hot oil.

Don't waste it, you know?

I've definitely like been a problem when you tour a castle because I'm just up there like,

you know, just like

lobbing fake grenades and shit.

I'd be like, they didn't have them then.

Yeah, who cares?

I'm talking to you.

It's really fun to try and recreate medieval warfare.

Yeah, and then like, and then just like churches.

Everywhere you go, you're like, oh, this church was built in the year 700.

Sick.

Do you stop into these places?

Yeah, of course.

I always walk into a church.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Somebody told me a tip for like appreciating your own life is to close your eyes.

Let's say you're in a park somewhere.

Let's say Detroit or I don't know, anywhere.

Yeah.

You just close your eyes where it's like wide open for like five seconds and just imagine you're like, I'm in.

Switzerland, Switzerland.

I'm in Switzerland.

I'm in Switzerland.

And then you open your eyes and kind of like look at it from like an outsider perspective.

Ooh, I like that.

And then you're like, oh, yeah, this is so the way you would look at a church.

You pass by them in Detroit all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

Or Denver or wherever.

But like when you're there, you're like, what is this?

There's a sheen on it.

What is that?

That's the thing is, like, I think going abroad has made me, like, I was in Springfield, Missouri, and I'm walking around and I'm like, what?

What spot?

What is that place?

Blue Room.

Loved it.

Yeah.

Loved it.

You know, tit or miss.

Okay.

I was on a string of heaters of like three months.

Like most shows sold out.

And then I kept telling my feature Nathan, I was like, we're about to be humbled over there at the Blue Room.

Yeah, sure as shit.

We're there for one day.

Maybe that's it.

Yeah.

But like, it is a Route 66 city.

So, like, you walk around and you're like, okay, if I, I, I'm going to try and experience this place like someone who's coming here for the first time and not someone who's like had to come here for the last 10 years to collect a check.

Yeah, it's a different way to look at it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we went to,

we started a tour, a bus tour, me, Colum,

no, me Renazisi, me, Renazisi, and, Ryan O'Neill.

Mm-hmm.

Who's really, I just met him.

He's so funny.

Ryan O'Neill.

Oh, yeah, he rules.

Yeah, he's the man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He likes to travel, too.

He's got back from Cambodia.

He's got to come on here.

But, like,

so we're like, all right, we're starting in Nebraska at what, in Omaha, at the club.

But I'm like, I've always stayed near that club.

Yeah.

But we have the night before.

Like, let's go to a different part of town.

And you're like, oh, Omaha rules.

Did you go to the part of town, like the old part of town where like the streets are made of wood?

Oh, you know what I'm talking about?

Over, like it's in Omaha.

I can't remember the name.

Over the little bridge?

I think so, yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

We also, did you see the Chef Boyard statue?

No, I haven't had the privilege.

There's a giant

traveler.

Yeah, we were like, it was right there.

We actually missed it.

We're like, let's go.

Like, we'll go after we drink.

And then we didn't.

Yeah, but I mean, like, America has some cool stuff, but a lot of it does look so ubiquitous.

It's all the same, which sucks.

Yeah, functional, but also from like a hundred years ago.

It's built for cars.

And that's why Philadelphia is cool is because like it wasn't, there's not cars that were factored into the design of that city.

And a lot of these places, like, dude, when we went to Brittany, Britannia, we like went on a boat to the little island where we stayed, and cars weren't allowed in the majority of it.

So we were all on bicycles.

What's this island?

What do you mean?

Oh, man.

It's here.

I'm going to pull up a map.

Well, don't tell me what the name of it is, but like, what was it?

I can't remember the name of the island because I'm with a French guy who's like...

But like, what was it?

It It was just like a hangout island?

Yeah, I think it was over here.

Big?

I'm trying to...

Yeah, yeah, it's over here.

Moline was the name of it.

And they don't have any

cars allowed.

So you just have to, like, get around the world or get around the island on foot or on car or on a bicycle.

And, like, that being connected, like, without the car around you.

makes you makes your trip so much better as well.

Oh, yeah.

You know, because you're not, like, looking through windows.

The fucking wind's in your hair.

You're smelling the ocean.

You know, there's like grass.

When it's wet, you smell grass.

You're supposed to stop whenever you want.

Yeah, yeah.

You just like stop.

Right.

And you're like,

what's over there?

And you're like, I don't know.

Let's walk over there.

Yeah.

So I like that kind of stuff a lot, too.

Was there any booze in that part of France that you hadn't like really gotten into much?

They must be winos, right?

Yeah, Ricard.

Have you had Ricard?

No.

Ricard is this beverage that...

It's supposed to be an apertif, but it tastes like anise, and you're supposed to cut it with water.

So so they bring you out like a little glass of ricard and then they bring you a tumbler of water while i was just drinking the water and then like fucking white knuckling through this ricard

oh it was horrific until an old man was like no no no no no no no no no no don't don't do that yeah

yeah but like when we went is it like perno ricard yeah it looks like Limoncello.

Yeah, so that thing right there on the right is how you're supposed to make it.

And it looks like cum,

but it tastes really good.

And when we went to get the tattoo and sable de Orleón, we walk in and it's like that rock and roll foot fetishist guy.

Yeah.

And he's kind of like, oh, cool, four tourists.

You know, I can't wait to put the fucking, you know, Chicago flag on someone.

Yeah.

And then he was like, do you guys want a drink?

And I was like, yeah, do you have any ricard?

And he was like, ricard?

You like a ricard?

And then all of a sudden, like, that cut through the bullshit because he knew that, like, I'd been around for a little bit.

It does look like cum.

Yeah, it's, it's a pastise is what it's called.

God, I'm getting hard and hungry.

Yeah.

So the ricard.

it's a what pastif pastis I think is what they call it.

I think it's like an apertif.

You're supposed to drink it before or after meals.

I love how to use

it and after all spritz, I think they roll their eyes at that kind of thing.

No, but like that kind of thing where you're like supposed to like get you loosened up to eat more.

Yeah, or like Frenette or whatever.

It's digestif is like afterward to settle your belly, and an apertif is what you have with appetizers.

Right.

Yeah.

But they just suck them down all the time.

Yeah.

And then like Beaujolais, the really young wines, I like those a lot because they just kind of taste like fresh.

They don't really taste like wine yet.

They haven't deepened you.

Oh, interesting.

Beaujolais is the wine you're supposed to drink like the year after you make it.

And they have these big Beaujolais festivals.

I think because like certain parts of France, they didn't have storage or like they needed that wine because it was like the only like potable drinking beverage.

I'm sorry.

I thought you meant like the year after you hit big.

No, no, no.

Gold record.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You should have had it on your tour bus in Omaha.

I didn't mean to brag about that.

No, I understand.

Did you like the tour bus?

I loved it.

Cool.

Yeah, I did it with Tim, and I was,

it has its plus or minuses.

It was like summer camp.

Yeah, no, I liked it, but Tim was like, you know, we can't park it at the four seasons.

It's like, yeah, you sleep on the bus, Tim.

And he's like, oh, like, wait, did you look into this at all?

No, he kept being like, I was tricked.

I was duped.

I've been shanghaid.

The Jews lied to me.

But Beaujolais wine is like super cheap and it's super fresh.

And they just like quaff it.

It's for powder.

Really?

Yeah.

We got to get some Ricard or some Beaujolais in here.

We got to start whatever.

Ricard's like a really nice...

And you can sip it because it tastes like paint thinner.

Yeah.

So it like kind of makes you temper yourself a little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's a good booze we should have to be able to sip while we do these sometimes?

Obviously that's scotch, but like.

Yeah.

What else can I do?

They won't get us fucked.

Like a grappa?

No, grappa is the definition of fucked, bro.

Yeah.

That shit sucks.

I did it once with Sal and I was like, I actually, we were doing about Italy.

I was like, I have some grapple.

Let's go.

And we got loopy.

It's gasoline.

It's the clear liquids that are like collected after you make wine.

No, I like the dark grappa.

Oh, okay.

I like vermouth.

You should get vermouth in here.

Vermouth would be good.

Pour it over wine over ice.

Yeah.

Sip on vermouth.

That's a good one.

Okay.

Vermouth and octopus is like maybe my favorite meal I've ever had.

And like we were in Spain somewhere.

Yeah.

Some guy was like, you like octopus?

And I was like, yeah.

And he just brought out like a whole octopus that had been grilled with with like the head on it.

Which one should we get?

I like a white vermouth.

Let's ask Bert what he wants and grab it before we start.

Yeah, the taste of the white vermouth over there.

I like white.

Yeah, white vermouths are good.

Yeah,

I think that's a fine one to have on hand.

And then Ricard's a fun one, too.

I don't know.

What's the one?

Negronis?

Negronis are the classic.

Like, I'm a man who loves the world.

Any, sorry.

Yeah, that's an easy cocktail.

Yeah, that's not a bad one.

What do you think about the hop on, hop off bus tour when you get to a new city?

Okay.

It's a good question.

I know how I feel.

I have a real

fear of, and it gets in my way of doing things that are too touristy.

I know.

And then like the group or the guide, I'm so, like, no fucking way.

Although sometimes it's like, this is the best way to see a thing.

So it gets in my way.

And then hop on hop off sounds fucking especially because somewhere for a week like let me just do a quick one what what what's your feelings man I have the same thing you can sway me I have the same thing about not wanting to be your typical tourist and looking like a fat pud who doesn't know how to explore but if you're in like Copenhagen for four days if you the first day you get there you get on that hop on hop off do the entire loop then you can be like oh that's the arts district or like look at this park over here I want to get back to that market so then you're like yeah then you can be you have the map they gave you and you can circle it and then you know like the places you want to go explore besides looking at them on your phone.

Yeah.

So it kind of shows you the entire span of the city.

And yes, it is touristy and you're on there with like men wearing like, you know, athletic socks that keep their veins pumping, but still you're seeing everything and it's such an easy way to like know where you want to go with your actual time.

And you get it done in like two and a half hours.

And then you're done.

Then you, then you know.

Like if you are a lazy tourist and that's the only way you're going to see the city, that's that's bad.

But if you're using it as a tool to be invested, like be curious later, I think it's my wife was like, why wouldn't we do this?

You see the whole city and then we can explore.

And I was like, yeah, but we're not lazy tourists.

We're Lonely Planet people.

We're Reddit people.

That's where we get our ideas.

Yeah, yeah, like that's the person I want to be.

But then after being with my wife, and now it's like, okay, we never would have seen this fucking part of the city because it wasn't on Lonely Planet.

It didn't look attractive.

But then you see that, like, oh, okay, yes, this industrial area was actually like where they did all the beheadings in bratislava and it's like there's no reason you would have gone over there and then you go there and like also it's i read a book about the evils of like algorithms not evils is a wrong word but like the problems with it and like even spotify they're like okay that's a problem yeah and they're like why and it's like because it suggests to you music that that you already are going i'm gonna like this and it never lets you get in the car with big j where he'll put a metal song on you're like no i don't like like oh wait i like this one what is this and you're it would just never suggest anything to you And if, like, from the sound of one of those, you're like, whatever you like, you're like, hey, I just tapped into this block.

Yeah.

I want to go back to this block.

It seems cool.

Yeah, maybe.

That's a good tip.

I really think that it's a valuable thing to do.

Where are they?

Just everywhere?

They're in like every city.

And it's that red double-decker bus that you see everywhere.

And there's the touts trying to get you to come on it.

Yeah.

And it's like.

Did you go up to them?

No, you don't ever buy off the touts.

Because they're up to you.

Because they're scamming you.

They're usually not selling you an actual ticket to the bus.

I was with Lewis

in Times Square and he just kept wasting their time on purpose.

And they're like, fuck are you joking?

He goes, no, man, I'm really interested.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell me more.

So what is ground zero?

That's a good tip.

Get on one of those.

And I think the whole thing about you being like, I'm afraid of looking touristy, that's good.

You should have that mindset.

But then you got to remember that like people have been coming to Paris or Rome to see these like staggering works that are all part of like the fucking threads that make us humans.

like go see those places.

You're not above going to the fucking Coliseum.

And like when the first time I went to Rome, I was like, why would I want to go to the Coliseum?

It's like, what are you talking about, you idiot?

And then you find out that they would like flood it and do like maritime battles in there.

And like men would be fighting bears.

Like, once you go to the place, then you can enrich yourself.

But this whole rolling your eyes thing is a very dangerous mindset on vacation.

It also helps me when I realize like there's tourists from this country here as well.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, dude.

Like in Asia for sure, like the small town people come in.

That's when they see whites and and like, what the fuck?

Yeah, but it's like,

oh, right, you're not from here, you're from like an hour away, yeah, yeah,

yeah,

yeah, I think, because, like, I have that ship on my shoulder, and I think my friend in uh, I met in Myanmar, he said he didn't want he was a photographer guy, he had one of those long lens ones, he didn't want to take because he wanted to be like the same thing, he wanted to be a tourist.

And they're like, oh, no, a six-foot-two white guy would blend right in without the camera.

He goes, oh, right.

He goes, lean in, bro.

It doesn't matter.

That's the beauty.

Because, like, I never left America.

I never left North America until I was like 26.

And it was through our honeymoon because I was scared.

Like, I'd seen all of America.

I'd like been in bands, been on the road with stand-up.

And I was like, I'm an adventurous guy.

But the thought of me not speaking any Italian scared the shit out of me.

So I was like, we can't go to Italy.

I have to learn Italian for six months.

I think it was me being afraid.

And now.

Why does everyone have that?

Well, I think it's the thing about like not wanting to look like a tourist.

I'm always going to be the biggest, dumbest American they've seen that day.

So as soon as I embraced that and I became a cartoon over there, like it's so much easier for me now.

Just get people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, people like in France specifically, there's a thing where they'll slap your belly.

And like the first time someone did that to me, I was like, like bummed out, you know?

And then I realized it was a thing.

And now I'm slapping people's belly.

Really?

Yeah, I'll go up and be like, yeah, it's fun.

Oh, my God.

And it cuts through the shit.

Like, if you're slapping a guy's belly, they're like, all right, let's get him a drink.

I had this, I, I'm the guy, this has happened to me more than once, but we just went back to Rome to film Wide World, and we went back to the first bar we went to in Rome on our honeymoon, the San Callisto.

And like, I remember standing in front of that bar the first time I'd ever been to Italy, and I was outside, just like in this square, like looking up, like with a beer in my hand.

And this dude came up to me and he's like, why are you sad?

And I was like, I'm not sad.

Like, I'm the opposite of sad right now.

I've never been here.

Like, this is all beautiful.

I'm so glad that I'm here.

And he grabbed the back of my head and just pushed it to his forehead.

And he said, I'm so glad you said that.

And then I just fucking wound up broing down with these Albanians who also had never been to Rome.

And we had the time of our lives.

And it's like that thing, that like profound moment, if you can then find someone to share that with who's also experiencing that, that's the crew you want on vacation.

That's the squad you want to link up with.

And then you go to a soccer game and you find out that the Lazio team is like the far right, like we need to burn all the mosques team.

yeah and you never would have known that unless you're there seeing them fly swastika flags like in the stadium yeah then you have a new favorite team do you ever get a thing where you're like where people go i heard in in this place they do this and you go yeah i heard that too and then i went that's just not true yes for sure you're like i didn't see that really like they don't actually eat maggots over there right yeah yeah a lot of my stuff is like this is where they serve like calves head like this is like the underage cow head like that's the kind of like deep dives i do is like food you can't get in america because it's been outlawed.

But it's also like malorts, where you're like, sure, they all drink it here.

And we're like, no, we don't.

No, we don't.

We just make tourists drink it.

Right.

They drink more Malort in Chicago than they do here.

No, I meant Chicago.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

That's what I'm doing.

But like, do they actually drink Malort in Chicago?

Every bartender, and then Fournette's the Denver one.

That's like the code.

But are they actually drinking it consistently?

Or is it like Scotch in Scotland is drunk?

Right, right.

But like.

I think that the thing, the reason they drink it in Chicago is because if you you walk into a bar and you say, hey, can I get it for net?

Then you're letting them know that you're in the service industry.

It's like a little like secret handshake type thing.

Also, the face you make

from Malord's is the same face, so it hides the face you make when you realize how just chubby all the women are.

So it covers it up.

That's what I heard.

I think that's camouflage.

I thought you guys walk a lot.

It's funny to see a real fat guy in Europe and you're like, damn, you didn't have to choose this life.

You must love cheese, you little fucking pud.

Where do you want to go?

Where else is on your list now of like places you haven't been that you want to?

I want to go to South Korea really bad.

Ooh, interesting.

I want to go to Taipei.

What is Taipei?

Taiwan?

It's in Taiwan, yeah.

It's the city in Taiwan.

And I want to film a wide world in, I think it's Altany or Alcani, Kazakhstan.

kazakhstan is the biggest country on a map that that you don't realize right so like it's

where is it it's over there somewhere yeah i don't know but the thing about that place is that

yeah altany or alkany yeah uh the middle east had it for a while and then mongolia had it for a while and then china had it for a while and russia had it for a while so it's got so it's every kind of architecture in one place and allegedly it's one of the safest places in that region if you're a dude like it's like hey if you're a dude come over have a blast.

Yeah, Almaty over there on the right side above Kyrgyzstan.

Almaty, yeah.

Yeah, so all these different places had it.

Damn, that's so it's got to be so influenced by everything.

Yeah, yeah.

And then they also have like that tattoo dessert.

Yes, dude, exactly.

Fresh bread, fresh bread.

You're like, damn.

Colonialism, man.

It's a couple good things.

Yes.

I mean, pho itself comes from pad-a-pho, which is the French bowl of meat and potatoes.

Really?

And then they got pho and they made it better and they gave flavor to it.

So that's pud-a-pho is pho.

Interesting.

Yeah, I want to go there.

And I mean, I but the thing is, is like whenever it's, hey, we're going to go on vacation, it's like, can we, I'm, it's just, can we just go back to Paris?

Can we just go back to Rome?

It's tough to, like, go back versus, like, explore new.

I know.

It's got to be, like, 50-50.

Well, you're, I don't, the thing about me is, like, my wife wants to go to Vietnam.

She wants to go to Cambodia, but I don't like scooters.

I'm really scared on a Vespa.

Oh, they rule there.

Dude, I know, but it's like a definitive part of it is being, and I'm not going to fucking ride in a rickshaw and like like break a guy in half.

So it's like, I could experience these places on foot easily.

Yeah.

But like, I think to really get to like the core of those places, you have to ride around on those things.

You could walk around this.

I mean, you know, you got to be on the back of one.

Yeah.

At minimum, you got to be on the back of someone else to get like across town.

Yeah, I almost like wrecked on one when I was a kid.

I was like 19.

My buddy had a motorcycle.

We were black out in Denver riding back from a bar.

And like he almost laid it down a bunch.

And then when we got off, I was like, damn, we almost died.

And he's like, yeah, yeah, that was like the most dangerous thing I've ever done.

And like, I have that in my head from almost 20 years ago, and I'm still scared of it.

You got to get over it.

I know.

You got to get over it because it opens up everything.

I know, dude.

I know.

So, like, that's, I think in my 40s, when I'm dressing like John C.

Riley in like linen suits, then I'll go over there.

I was somewhere, it's probably Thailand because we're too used to tourists, but I was like up on a mountain and I was coming back on the American side of the road.

And they're like,

and I'm like, yep, yep, got it.

Yeah.

It's like, you're right.

I'm wrong.

I've had the equivalent of that riding in a rental car that Tim Dylan had in Ireland.

And it's like, what the fuck?

Yep, not wrong, not wrong.

And he's just like, Tim, you're really close on the left side, buddy.

Like, you got to get over a little bit.

Maybe a mirror was taken off, you know.

And then Tim said, it's going to happen.

Yeah.

All right.

I want to go to South Korea.

South Korea.

Yeah, that would be a fun.

Why that?

The thing about Tokyo is like, you're on Mars.

No one else is, there's no other white people there, and no one speaks the language.

So you wake up, and you're literally surrounded by no one who looks like you.

And I really like that experience.

And I think South Korea would do that as well.

It's also futuristic.

Like I like the future cities, you know, where

trains have been incorporated and stuff.

I think Seoul, South Korea is like one of the most like forward.

Like they're living in the future type places.

Damn, really?

Yeah, yeah.

I want to get back to Asia so bad.

I love Asia.

I'm going to Tokyo for Christmas.

Oh.

Yeah.

It keeps pulling at me.

And I'm just like going South America doing other shit, Europe, but like, fuck, I want to get back to Asia.

There's nothing like it.

The world's so big, and we're so small inside of it.

And I love being reminded about like how I don't matter.

And that's what travel does for me.

It's like, it humbles me and it's cool.

I like that.

It's like going to a place and it's like, I've been in America trying to make a name for myself and stand-up.

And like, you know, there's some results and I'm really grateful.

But to go to a place where no one has any fucking idea, not that I'm walking around like Gillis, where it's like

who you are.

What do you mean?

What do you mean, no one has any idea?

I'm going to a place and like me being in this place does not matter at all to the future of this place or the past of this place.

Like I'm coming over here and I'm not going to make a dent on it.

Like I like I like like having these little like memories of like a time where you were like totally in the wind and I like that.

Yeah.

But again, I'm like a blubbering romantic about everything.

My wife, that's when we get in arguments where I'll be like, I really want to go to this garden, but I want to go there at this time of day because I heard that there's like a guy who plays piano there.

And she's like, come on, man.

you're not, we're not living in the fucking West Egg, you know, you're not the great Gadsby, but also, yeah, yeah, she's a lot more of a realist about stuff, but also sometimes those things just surprise, just like you were there, and some guy with a guitar shows up and play, like, you know, plays like flamenco or something, and you're like, bro, what is this?

Flamenco ripped me in half in Spain.

Yeah, me and my friends and my wife went to see a flamenco show and they were drinking, and I was sitting in the front row weeping the entire time.

I was just this huge, blubbering man in the front row, weeping in a flamenco show for like an hour.

Like, bro, it's a happy thing.

Yeah, my friend literally was throwing peanuts at the back of my head while I'm up front weeping.

And I turn around and they're laughing and pointing.

And I'm like,

how are you not moved by this?

You ghouls.

And then you get mad at them because they're not experiencing the thing the right way.

That's the worst thing you can do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Get in this.

Yeah, love it.

All right.

Yeah, we didn't really like get to the core of the French French thing, but I just, I've been, sorry, I've been looking forward to this.

Yeah.

What else should we have said about France?

Just, you know, just eat a lot.

Eat a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah, what would you, okay, that's a question.

Good question.

If somebody's about to go to not Paris, but like somewhere else in France, what would you like?

Oh, you should definitely take this with you or do this kind of thing?

I think the easiest thing is like...

If you're going to go to the same cafe like the whole time you're there, like if that's your coffee shop, just don't order a cappuccino after 10 a.m.

Because then they know that like you've done a little bit of there's all these little things that you can like signal.

Just trade espresso.

You can get a cup of coffee, a carafe of coffee, you can get an espresso.

Dude, if you go to Italy and you get a fucking like cup of coffee, like a regular cup of coffee after 10 a.m., they think that you're just a wet pig who wandered out of the stall.

It's like what should you do?

Just espresso.

You go to the counter.

You never sit down for coffee in Italy after like the morning.

You go, you go to these, you put down your two Euro, you get the espresso, you pound it, maybe put a little bit of sugar in, whip it up, pound it, and then you're gone.

I mean, that's not like a super important part.

I love that was, that's, I guess what I would say, now that I think about what I would say with, at least in Paris, like any cafe you feel like, just sit down, roll a cigarette,

get an espresso, sit for a minute, write in your notebook, then move on.

Yeah, link.

Sit there as long as you want because they don't give a fuck.

They're not getting tips.

They don't care.

Right.

Yeah, they're not trying to flip that table.

Is it like that outside?

Like on the West also?

If a place isn't super busy, then it's not as bad.

Like if there's just a cafe in like a small French town, you can sit there as long as you want because no one's trying to sit in that like prime.

Because I always want the table that's like closest to the street.

Corner so you can look at everybody.

Yeah, yeah.

I just think, I think if you bring just like, I think patience and

the ability to like not be embarrassed is such an important part of traveling in France because they are better than you, probably.

Like, you know, like they are probably more culturally involved.

Oh, here's my French tip.

Okay.

If you're watching this and you're like, kind of like, oh, I don't know if I'll find, there's these places called PMUs, which is the off-track betting places in Paris.

And they're the dive bars.

And you can see because they have a green sign that says PMU and there's like a horse on it.

Yeah.

And you can buy cigarettes there.

You can get beers.

You can get coffee, some like bad food.

But the PMUs are the dive bars of France.

And you can go there and you can raise hell.

And it's totally fine.

Those are my favorite places to go.

What is the one in England that's in every train station?

It's like the shitty bar bar.

Right, right, right.

With like no seats or whatever.

It's got seats, but it's just like no one wants to go there, which makes it so cool.

Yeah.

We're just waiting to go home.

You're getting an eye-opener there before you board the train back.

PMUs.

PMUs, yeah, the PMU.

Yeah, those are the spots where I often, like late at night, if I want to get a couple drinks with the boys, but we don't want to like go to a place where we're going to be in the way.

You go to the PMU, oh, get a pecan beer, a pecan beer, which is a pecan.

It's like it's this like syrup.

It's a pecan syrup, and they use it for mixing drinks.

But if you get a beer and you order a pecan beer, they'll top you with a little bit of that syrup, and it totally changes the beer and like kind of flattens it out and makes it a different thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

If you walk into a place in France and you order a Ricard, or you order a Pecomb beer, you're cutting through.

You're letting them know this is not your first time in.

I'm afraid here, I like this.

I like this shit.

I'm drinking the bad stuff.

I'm drinking Calvados, which is their apple liqueur.

And like that's the shit that like the real red-eyed drunks drink.

And if you like walk in and you're like, can I get a Calvados?

They're like, I'll do one with you.

Sure.

And then they pour one for themselves.

That's like an easy way to do it.

I like the PMU.

But just bring patience with yourself.

You're going to look like a fool.

And if you can allow yourself to look stupid, you're going to have so much more fun in France.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

And never bring up the thing about how they'd all be speaking German.

Is that what?

You know, if you're in there and they're like, oh, you're an American.

It's like, yeah, I am American.

And you guys would all be speaking german if it wasn't for us it's like you had nothing to do with

i've heard i've heard my dumb friends say that what i've heard americans say that a bunch like just this like you know like that's their reflex is to be like yes i am american and you're lucky that i am american it's like no one that that happened so long ago and it wasn't the blood you're the blood of the germans wasn't on your hands you know like you did nothing to help them also it's everyone's moved past those things to their next yeah yeah to their next problem they're trying to forget about that stuff because it was a genocide that happened in their backyard.

And meanwhile, we're like

Vietnam.

You're like, oh, I'm sorry.

Like, oh, no, you guys are cool now.

We hate the Chinese.

Right, right, right, yeah.

The Chinese we love back then.

They were helping us.

But, oh, we don't care.

We got a couple flipper arms, too many.

But

wish I hadn't done that.

You should see us in the pool, though.

We're unstoppable.

But yeah, you guys aren't encroaching on our maps.

Yeah.

All right, Sam.

Well, thanks, buddy.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm glad to be here.

South Korea, Seoul.

I want to go there.

And I got to do that.

That's the problem.

It's like, but Paris is one of those cities.

There's like a few cities in the world, Tokyo, Paris, where it's not just a bustling hub.

It's specific.

Yeah.

New York, possibly.

But like Chicago is just, it's great.

It's just a big city.

You know, it's got some feel.

Denver's got a bit of a cowtown feel, but it's just a big city.

Yeah.

And then like...

Tokyo is this wild other thing.

Paris is a wild thing.

So you want to like just stay right there, but like, but like, oh, there's so much more.

There's so much more shit out there.

You have more than five days.

It's like Melbourne.

Like, I would love to go to Melbourne and live there for a long time.

I'm going back in July to do Australia, New Zealand.

But, like, if I could just be in Melbourne, like,

doing that for two weeks.

Yeah.

But you're just going to a white city.

Like, you know, like, you're not enriching.

You're just living in a piece of comfort.

It's too little America.

It's like, all right.

How should I get another flat white?

Yeah.

Like, oh, you guys do it slightly different here.

I just wanted a tour.

Once I found out there were one-shot flat whites, I was like, let's go.

It's the best coffee in the world, I think.

It's so good.

It's Australian.

They know how to make it.

I mean, Ecuador coffee was fine, but Australian coffee was so funny.

They ship it out there.

Australia, they don't, they keep it.

Nobody wants your stupid Vegemite bitch.

No.

Keep all your shit.

I mean, I like Vegemite.

But again, I'm a mutant.

Yeah.

I've tried.

Every time I go, I try like an airport.

I'm like, yep, still don't.

All right, Sammy.

Hey, guys, check out Wide World.

It's the best travel show on the internet.

That's kind of you.

Thank you.

It's fun.

And I don't know.

It's just a fun watch.

It's doable.

It's not aspirational.

If we did it, you can do it.

Yeah.

Simone has this idea of Steve Simone of getting three fat guys, driving around the city, and then just no Google Maps or anything.

Just go, you get, each get one pick a day of where we eat.

Yeah.

And so if you're like, ooh, that's my pick tomorrow.

I like that.

You don't know anything about it.

Like, that looks good.

I want that.

And then just go, and you can do normal shit.

Yeah.

You want some chance upon, oh, that's the place to go.

Or you might be like, oh, it's a new.

You want adventurous fat guys, though.

You want adventurous fat guys.

You don't want to go to Sizzler.

The Chinese buffet is not the place.

No chains.

You got to have a no-chains rule.

Yeah.

And the driver's like, uh-uh.

And not even like the regional approximation of a chain.

Like, you can't go to Taco Cabana, you know, even though they don't have it in Wyoming.

Yeah.

All right.

Guys, yeah, check that out.

What's the name of your book that I read?

Running the Light.

My favorite thing about Running the Light is the comments on the audio version of I didn't realize that comedians are illiterate.

I know, dude.

Yeah, you did a good job.

I did an okay job.

I wish I had read it twice through first and then done it.

Well, people will be like, hey, why didn't you get people who can read to read it or like have them redo it?

And it's like, all these people did me a huge favor and they didn't receive a dime from it.

So maybe everyone shut up and enjoy it.

Yeah, it was a cool way to do it.

Yeah, it was fun.

It was smart.

That's coming out March 25th in paperback from Random House.

Running the light?

Yeah, they're putting out in like all English-speaking places, and they're translating it to French and Spanish.

Yeah.

How do you say piece of shit in

other languages?

There's a lot of piece of shit stories in there.

Merde.

Merd is shit for French.

Merde, I think.

Any cigarettes?

You want to smoke one?

Yeah, let's go roll one up.

All right.

It doesn't count.

We're talking about travel.

Yeah, and your chubby behemoth podcast.

Anyway, I'll put all this in later.

Thank you very much, everybody.

This is a great show.

Keep watching and it's awesome.

I love it.

Yeah, we keep going to new places.

Yeah.

Nominee, fucking Traveler of the Year, 2025.

All right.

Bye.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

How do you say goodbye in French?

Auvoir.

Auvoir.

Fucking nailed it.

That is the episode, everyone.

Thank you very much, Alan Kath, for editing this.

Thank you for your mom's house for producing this.

And all the poor people who have supported Tom to the point where he can now support his poor comedian friends, Ari Shafir.

I'm doing this in a hotel room in San Jose.

This is a city you should die in.

This is not a city you should, like, hang out in.

It's actually kind of cool, but tons of Asians.

Oh, you see the rebel Asian chicks, too, where they're like, I'm not going to wear my mask at the Boba place.

You guys can wear your mask.

These Americanized Asians, it's pretty funny.

They're like the new version.

It's like,

Rebecca, you can wear your mask if you want.

I'm not.

Oh, fire.

Oh, soon you're going to not do it.

They have like half like super American names, and half of them have like still like the Sung shit like that.

It's pretty interesting Asian town and the orange sauce

okay listen give me the orange sauce sure

also give me some other salsa I'm a dude I spray diarrhea from an iguana burrito oh

sprayed it last night woke up you ever wake up with diarrhea going I can make it to the morning and then you're like and you go back to sleep nope I was wrong just get it out sprayed bro

thank you for subscribing to this.

Wherever you're listening or watching, subscribe on Spotify if you're watching right now.

Listening right now.

Subscribe on YouTube if you're watching right now.

Get my t-shirts.

I have t-shirts, grinders.

I have some signed vinyls.

I went down to Nashville, went to the shop, and I signed some vinyls, signed some grinders.

You can get those online.

Wherever you are living, they'll send you stuff.

Grinders, vinyls, the stay positive shirt, the go for a hike shirt,

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rhizographs from the Jew special.

I don't know what else.

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And get all my tour shows.

Vancouver,

Calgary, Edmonton, and Seattle.

Coming up.

Seattle, April 3rd.

Vancouver, April 4th.

Friday, get tickets for that.

God damn, I'm excited to get back to Vancouver.

Calgary on the 5th, and Edmonton on the

Edmonton on the 5th, Calgary on the 6th.

Hmm, maybe.

One of those two.

Orlando and Fort Lauderdale this Wednesday and Thursday and Sunday.

One old show Sunday.

I think it's already sold out.

So you pretty much late show Wednesday in Orlando.

Late show Thursday in Fort Lauderdale.

That's it, guys.

And I'm going on a vacation.

Anchorage in June.

Only going to to do one show there, and it will sell out.

So it's up to you.

I guess let's get back to the episode.

Oh, Sam Talent.

He's got his new book.

Running the Light.

Not his new book.

His old book.

With a new foreword by Doug Stanhope.

He's being republished by Penguin Random House.

That never happens with authors, you guys.

It legitimately never happens.

They took a look at his legs and go, hey, you need a second.

You got a second ham hock.

With your short shorts.

His shorts go like at an angle down.

It's weird.

Most shorts that kind of go straight across down.

are angled down because of his thighs being so disgusting that he shows off all the time.

The goat.

Sam Talent, the goat.

He is great.

The Toad's Morale out right now.

But get buy the book right now, guys.

It's a big deal for this book there.

And if you've never read it, it's time to read it.

Rarely do comedians actually write new fiction.

They just write their memoirs or stories about whatever.

It's like, I remember making fun of Stanhope once.

He came with a book.

I was like, oh, is it a novel?

He goes, no, it's like a book of essays about myself.

I'm like, I know.

That's what every comic does.

Except Sam Talent.

Same in Vancouver, Houston, Kansas City, Lexington, Iowa City, Omaha, Glasgow, Hillary, Hillary, Hillary,

London, Manchester, Totem,

London, I mean.

Amsterdam, Portland, Maine, Eugene, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland, Perth, Dayton, Salt Lake City, Charlotte, New Brunswick, Timonium.

Tickets are Sam T-A-L-L-E-N-T

And now for my recommendation of the week.

Oh, I had one, and then I lost it.

Mickey17, pretty good fucking movie.

Weird.

Pretty good movie, though.

It was by the guy who did,

I guess he had done some other American movies before, but he did Parasite, which I thought was great.

I thought that was his first movie, but it was not.

I've been doing a bunch of them.

It's like one of those that's full of metaphor, and I didn't get get it all.

Do you ever leave a movie and pretend like you got it all, but then you actually did not get it all?

But you have to pretend like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't get it all.

Still an enjoyable movie.

And the guy from Twilight was pretty fucking good.

Anyway, that's my recommendation for the week.

Guys, continue sending in your postcards from around the globe.

In fact, I brought one here with me.

And I will now read it because I didn't put it up on my wall.

But here we go.

It's from Costa Rica, a place I went to once in 2017 with my family.

We took my dad there for his birthday.

Just the mainstay Shafi'i's.

You got that?

You hear that?

That's the San Jose National Anthem.

It's all these tech bros here.

It's fucking weird.

Dear Ari, Costa Rica is this.

Ah, is the same rowdy jumble as the last time I visited 14 years ago.

San Jose is a city like any other.

It'll be nice to get out into the

wilds.

You're something fan,

LGK.

Nice, bro.

Yeah, I barely went to San Jose at all when I went there, but it was great.

We saw this kid.

We took a tour of the jungle.

That's what you do.

And we're like, we asked the guy, I was like, do you ever get sick of like seeing monkeys and he goes yeah

and sloths and he goes yeah whatever but what i really want to see and he goes i've never seen one but what i really want to see is a deer

and i'm like dude we have deer in in where i live all the time and we have unbelievable wealth and a colonialist society like a vibe of like we'll go into your nation and take it over we have bravado we have wealth we have overpriced eggs that most of us legitimately don't care about.

They raised the price of eggs.

A lot of people are screaming.

I'm not.

I didn't even notice it went up because I don't look at the price of eggs.

I'll look at it once a year.

I'll be like, wait, was it always 10?

That seems high.

And another time I was like, oh, four?

I don't know.

Guys, I get the fucking Jerry's eggs.

The organic free-range shit.

I like that orange.

I like the orange in there, and I'll pay extra for it.

So when they raised the price of eggs, I was like, I guess I don't care.

That's what we have, Costa Rica.

That's what we have.

Anyway, guys, thank you very much.

Andrew Schultz will be on the podcast next week.

I'm not sure exactly where we are going.

I've got an idea for a non-just straight place, but we'll see what he wants to do.

But I'm excited to have him on.

And that's it.

Subscribe wherever you're listening to.

Go arrayshafe.com for everything.

Goodbye, everybody.

Till next week.

Au voir!

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Nail that one!

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