Vietnam w/ Bert Kreischer | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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Hey, everybody, welcome to you be tripping.

It's a travel podcast.

Every week we go to another place with a different guest.

I'm excited, excited to have Bert Kreiser on for the first time on You Be Trippin'.

Bert, where are we going today?

When I was 22 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia.

No, no, it's a good story.

Dude, they made a movie out of it.

No, trended number one on Netflix.

Not joining the month.

No.

There's parts of the story people haven't heard.

No.

Everyone heard every part of the story.

No, no.

Brother song.

Where you been and where are you going?

This is our race travel show.

Yeah, we're gonna talk about travel today.

It's you be trippin'.

Are we drinking?

Yeah, okay, good.

Okay, good.

And we're all right.

Well, you're at that to include that.

We're back, Bert.

Where do you want?

Where do you want to go?

This is, you know, this is, I swear to God, there's two things I regret in life.

Okay.

Number one, a number one regret.

You called me one day and you said, hey, man, you got this new podcast called Open Tabs.

I would like to help you with that.

I want to do it with you.

I was thinking about it today.

I wish I'd done that.

I wish I'd done that.

I wish I'd done that.

I thought about it today when you said, like, I was searching this and this.

And I was like, I was like, I don't know, because I didn't know what I wanted to do with it.

And then it was that time when people were buying television and I wondered if it was going to be a television show.

And you said, no, we should bring on comics.

We should bring on

just open your laptop.

Let's see what you've been Googling.

Let's see what you look at.

They can easily go.

You can't show that one.

I'm like, sure.

We won't.

Oh, I had something on my phone the other day that I was looking at, and I was like, I was like, this is exactly what Ari was talking about.

Like, if you pulled it up, it was scuba danger caves only, you know, whatever.

But this, um,

like, is it crazy that Pornhub, you have to create an account in Texas?

What are they talking about with their freedoms?

Does that the

origin of every NBA's team names?

And why this WNBA so allergic to the S?

What do you mean?

WNBA, they're like mystic links with an X.

They don't have plurality.

What's their problem?

I don't know.

The Liberty.

Mercury, what's their deal with the S?

Wow,

this.

I get their problem with the C.

I don't follow enough WNBA teams.

And then this show.

I wish we could.

This is like my favorite idea for a show ever.

I'm loving it.

And I obviously have that great travel story.

But what I did for

seven years was travel around the world.

Professionally.

Professionally.

And what's interesting is...

It's a wild way to do it.

A wild way to get you out plays.

We're like, I have to.

I'll get a call every beginning of every January, like January 7th.

And they go, where are 13 places you want to go?

You can go four

internationally, four

somewhere, and then

some places in the middle.

Like we went to, we went to so many, I saw so many, I remember one time just taking a map and going like a globe and going, Zanzibar.

I know nothing about Zanzibar.

And they're like, Zanzibar sounds sexy.

It sounds sellable.

No one's really covered it.

Let's go to Zanzibar.

And then they're like, well, where can we go in close to Zanzibar?

And we're like, Tanzania, South Africa.

Like, and so we, it was so fucking fun.

But I think, and I, and I want to do this podcast again because I I have I never posted I never posted anything on social media because I felt and this is ironic ironic I felt like it would disconnect me from my fans I felt like anyone who was sitting at their office desk to see me just having having a candlelight dinner in the middle of a bioluminescent bay in Puerto Rico drinking champagne would make them feel like fuck that guy now this is before

you posted about your private jets

This is pre that time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, you're talking about timeline now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's pre.

So then your feelings changed at some point.

I didn't, I was on private jets at the time, just working for Travel Channel, and I never posted it because I felt like it was disconnective.

I also didn't feel like I had earned it.

I didn't feel like I had earned any of that shit.

Because Travel Channel is money.

Yeah.

And then, but listen, by the way, only just, never mind.

I just think, I think you're disingenuous.

You're manipulative, in my opinion, if you fly on a private jet and you don't share it.

I think it's manipulative because you want the audience to think, I'm still a regular guy.

I'm just one of you.

Blue collar.

I get my hands dirty just like you.

But you don't tell them.

But I also don't want COVID, so I just fly private everywhere.

Disagree.

Okay.

Okay, let me share another example.

A single guy,

rich, famous, fucking a lot of hot chicks.

He goes, look at this hot chick I just fucked.

I love it.

Oh, okay.

Fucking, that's why I follow Dave Portnoy.

Oh, yeah.

Dave Portnoy has got some fucking dimes.

I love Dave Portnoy.

But I saw him outside.

He was eating pizza or Thai food or some in my neighborhood.

I saw saw him.

I was like, oh, it's Dave Portnoy.

I was like, do you know him?

I mean, I know people who know him.

And it's like, should we go talk to him?

I'm like, for what?

To interrupt him to go, hey, we know.

Sorry, focus on me for a second.

We know some same people.

Okay, see you.

Best thing you can do.

You would talk to him.

No.

You would have.

You'd go up to somebody.

Shane would go up to someone like that.

Oh, Dave Portnoy, probably.

Yeah.

But I think I know Dave Portnoy.

I mean, I know that I saw him one time.

He was doing the same thing, but at a hotel, and I was leaving, and I saw him, and I wasn't going to bother him.

And he went, Bert.

And I went, oh, hey, Dave.

And so the best thing you do, if you ever see a celebrity, just like, dude, big fan and just walk, keep walking.

Best thing you do is ignore them.

No.

Don't say a word.

That's why they do it.

They're narcissists.

Everyone who gets on that stage, who gets in front of the camera, who sits in hair and makeup, the reason they do it is to fill a void inside.

Everybody.

You're different than other people.

You have a void.

You have a void.

Yeah, but I don't fill it with people fucking bothering me in the middle of the day.

Where are we going today, Bert?

Let's go to Vietnam.

Yo!

Yeah.

Vietnam changed my cultural DNA.

Interesting.

It changed my cultural DNA.

It is the best.

Thank you.

It's a Vietnamese coffee.

We can put in whatever we want into it.

Did we put anything in before it?

No checking?

Fair.

Fair.

I've earned that.

That's what I live with.

At Mark Norman's bachelor party, we're at a strip club and Ari pulls me aside and he goes, you have to know.

I will never drug you again, I promise.

I needed to have a good time.

I might have to get around.

I can't have you like a second guessing it.

No, so this is Vietnamese coffee.

Yeah.

So where do we start on a podcast like this?

Where do we start?

Because what brought you there is now we know it's usually like it's either some sort of like I want, I've always wanted to go, my, my, and mother-in-law is Vietnamese, but do you, it's like business brought you there?

Business brought us there.

We were doing, I'm imagining we were doing two Asia trips.

Yeah.

And oh, yeah, we were doing

Tokyo, Japan, and Vietnam Vietnam were the two Asia trips.

And our our best friends are Vietnamese.

Our best friend's mom wrote When Heaven and Earth Change Places.

I met her.

Yeah.

School.

Yeah, she's awesome.

She's awesome.

And she had a bunch of great hookups in Vietnam that we didn't take advantage of any for the show, but we did.

It was one of those places that I was like, I got to see Vietnam.

And I will tell you, in Asia, Asian countries are so fucking different.

They really are.

My analogy, I said, and you know, this is just a stand-up analogy, a dumb guy analogy.

In Japan, everyone keeps their hands to themselves and stays in their own space, and no one bothers you.

It is quiet getting on the subway, it is quiet getting off the subway, it is silent.

I remember I passed out on a Japanese dude on a train one time.

On him, yeah, I know I have that picture.

I'll send it to you.

Okay, wait, who took that picture?

Someone, I just fell asleep on him, and this guy was so cool.

He let me sleep on him for the whole train ride.

Didn't wake up.

Yeah, send me that picture.

You guys got to start a list of pictures we need.

I got it.

That's a good picture.

And so,

and I fell asleep on the dude.

I was drunk.

I just fell asleep on him and he just let me sleep.

Wow.

And then Vietnam, it's like people are putting their fingers in your mouth.

Like, it is just a very aggressive, a very, like, if you are not.

Like, if you're not a traveler, don't go to Vietnam.

And so you're not going, though, with this show, you're not going just to like the hot spots of,

was it Saigon?

Is this Saigon?

Yeah.

You're not just doing that.

You're going other places, too.

You're going all over.

We had.

We went everywhere.

We went all over Vietnam.

We went.

You're right, they're all on you.

Oh, it was, it was, and it's so, I mean, I'll start with traffic.

Okay.

Traffic in Vietnam.

I got on a motorcycle.

Pull the picture up.

Pull me on a motorcycle.

Oh, no, I texted it to you.

And you can find ones of traffic in this.

There's me on my motorcycle.

Wow, that's cool.

And I got on a motorcycle and drove around the pond that John McCain got

shot down in.

You're a bigger hero than he was.

You didn't get captured.

I took the path that they dragged his body to the fucking, the prison they kept him in.

I was fascinated by that.

I was fascinated by that.

This bike, but traffic, it's kind of like New York traffic a little bit.

It's like, don't look behind you.

Just deal with what's in front of you.

They told me they were like, because it's a thousand people going.

It's chaos.

You can find traffic pictures in here of what it looks like.

And

you got to cross.

And you're like, how do we cross?

Oh, this is great.

This is great advice.

Yeah.

And they go, you just go.

Yep.

And do not change your speed.

Don't change speed.

You walk at one pace across the street.

They see you and avoid you.

And it's like, it works for them.

But every 13th person has

a limp from not doing it correctly.

Look at the driving in Vietnam.

It is chaos.

And we got on motorcycles.

Zooming.

It looks like a fucking zombie movie.

It is so exhilarating, especially on, I think that was an old Russian Ural that I was driving.

And so I had to feather the clutch to keep it so it from stalling.

I had to feather the gas and feather the clutch to keep it from stalling.

But it was crazy, crazy traffic.

Yeah, look at that.

Look at that.

Look at them across the road.

All right, with the background music.

Yeah,

look at this guy on the side of the road hauling a fucking bumper.

How are you going to get across that?

That's a crosswalk they're on.

dude how the fuck are you gonna get across that mask covet conscious mask covet conscious no they were doing mass old school look at this walk you just walk and you keep your pace because if you slow down your pace they'll hit you it's good to have a baby with you too makes them less likely to want to hit you Do you see people with like their whole family on the back of these scooters?

You know what I did is I have a Vietnamese guy on my left always and I'm like, I'm like, and I'm trying to follow him.

Just keep him as the bumper, the frogger.

That's fucking great.

I'll tell you what else we did, which which is the probably the coolest what are we putting in this what would we have we're putting something in it or not no let's put something we can go separate

is that a stir

it could be we got vodka we got whiskey we got tequila inside here so what from what i understand and your balls i'm taking this home oh it's all yours wait this is my dick

this is how big my dick is That's your dick?

That's how big my dick is.

How did this get in here?

That's how big my dick is.

So someone's dream dick is my dick.

And then this is a pussy that you put this pussy on your dick.

And then you let a dude fuck your dick.

Ew, what's coming out of here?

Let's put a little bit of this.

I mean, we can put vodka in it, or vodka, and it would be like one of those.

What's that?

One of the things.

Yeah, I could use some of that too.

It's a first for this pod.

Yeah.

What is a...

I say we just put whiskey in it, right?

We could.

Now, this is high-level whiskey that Zizzolo just got.

It's from whiskey from around the world.

Centauri.

It's from, I've never had it, Irish, Scotch, American, Canadian, and Japanese whiskey blend.

That's great.

Let's put that in there.

Yeah, let's put it in there.

Let's not taste it.

So, um.

Ladies and gentlemen, my new special is out today.

I'm going to break into this week's episode to tell you about it.

Ari Shafir, America's sweetheart on Netflix, a team made straight from hell.

Netflix and Ari Shafir.

Yeah, the evil algorithm and the evil Al Gaju.

Mah didn't make sense.

Anyway, go on there right now.

Watch it.

Guys, let me tell you how their algorithm works.

You got to watch it all the way through.

So if you're going to start it, and I hope you do, just let it play.

Even if you got to leave and get back to it later, just let it play.

Their dumb algorithm works.

So like, if you don't watch it all the way through, it doesn't like...

It registers as like you're not interested.

I don't know.

It's stupid.

Let me skip a rock.

And if I skip this rock well, that means you will tell 70 people about it.

Legitimately, can you guys go post about it?

I want everyone to see it.

I think it's going to calm the world down.

America Sweetheart on Netflix.

Oh, that's a good skip.

I'm a good comic.

You should watch it.

Tell everybody about it.

Okay, this is dumb.

By the way, you can get this shirt on my website, ariśafir.com, where you can find all my dates.

It's a stay-positive shirt.

There's also another shirt.

It's a little bit different than this.

This is from the special taping.

Feidelberg, buy a shirt.

Help me pay for what the remainder of what Netflix did not pay me to make this.

Yeah, I lost a shitload of money putting this on Netflix.

So make it easier for you.

Now let's do dates real quick.

Fuck.

Bert, by the way, has a new special out called Lucky on March 18th on Netflix, too.

So if he gets in mine, it'll recommend his.

Thanks, Bert, for coming in.

God, it's cold.

He's also been in New Orleans, Las Vegas, Winnipeg, Halifax, Calgary, and Vancouver.

Some places that I'll be, but much smaller places.

I could be in Vancouver and Calgary.

Yeah, at far smaller places.

Although I did add shows in both those towns.

My shows, I added Monday shows in Salt Lake City this weekend off the back of this fucking special.

All the others were sold out.

Brea, January 31st and January 1st and February 1st.

Then Nashville, San Antonio, Nashville's with Adrian Appaludi.

San Antonio's with Ari Mati, the evil empire coming together.

Tampa, Denver with Colin Tyrrell is coming to me within Denver.

Schomburg, I think that's with Adrian.

Atlanta, Portland, second show added in Portland, both with Adrian.

San Jose, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Seattle,

Vancouver, Calgary.

Edmonton, and finally, Anchorage in June.

And then that's the end of my tour.

Guys, get tickets right now at RShaffir.com, the new RShaffir.com.

Buy a shirt.

Watch the special.

Let's get back to the episode.

I love the world.

I'm excited.

It took a while.

It took a while for me to get into my head that I have a new special out that I worked really hard on.

And hopefully, you get it.

Where I just want everyone to calm the fuck down, get off the news, and enjoy your lives.

Look at it.

It's beautiful out here.

It's beautiful out here.

I'm far away from any sort of fire.

I actually would love a fire right now.

I would legitimately love a fire right now.

Like, if all this went up, if all this went up,

homeless people of LA, can we ship them out here?

Let's get back to the episode.

Vietnam.

Oh, warm thoughts.

Vietnam.

Okay, here we go.

So, let me let me start off our trip and tell you, because I don't want to, I want to, it's very, very difficult for me because I want to share all the things we did, but I think I got to do it sequentially for it to make sense.

Okay.

So, the first thing we did is we landed in Vietnam.

We took all our bags to a dock.

We got on a speedboat.

This thing fucking hauls ass.

By the way, best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life.

Right.

I can find you.

I can tell you.

It was on a side.

They had a lady with a sterno and a steel thing making egg sandwiches, eggs over easy in the Vietnamese bun.

So it's so light and crispy, so airy.

She'd take shredded pork and just the right amount of hot sauce.

And so I went and I had, I'm walking around.

They're loading gear on the back on the speedboat to get us to our junk boat.

So as they're loading gear, I'm sure I got a picture of all the bags sitting there.

And I'm just walking around and I see this lady and I go, I could use an egg sandwich.

And

I take one bite and I said, how many eggs do you have left?

And she shows me and I said, I want you to make as many sandwiches you can.

Clean them out.

I want to buy them all for my crew.

This reminds me of when you bought a hundred dollars of Taco Bell for our skate trip.

Buddy, my mouth is watering.

The egg sandwich in Vietnam that you get on the street is the greatest sandwich I've ever had in my life.

And I bought probably 15 to 20 of them, took them to my crew, and as I handed them out, I watched the look on their face.

Everyone was like, What the fuck?

That was my first moment in Vietnam.

That bread in Vietnam is

so fresh.

Fucking fresh.

It is so fresh.

And I can actually tell you where you can get this sandwich because I've actually

gone when I think of food.

I go and think of the sandwich and I go on my map to look for this fucking sandwich.

Do you do that?

Do you go look at memory maps, like Google Maps, where you're like, it was right here.

It was right here.

I remember it.

And you can look stuff up sometimes with a Google Earth.

It was, we landed in, it was,

look, look, here's, here's all our gear on that boat.

We're loading the boat.

So, wherever this exact picture is, one block north is where December 7th, 2014 is, I can find exactly where that is on the map and tell you exactly where you can get this goddamn sandwich.

This was no way still there.

Was it just a, was it a store or was it a stand?

It was a stand.

It was a stand.

I mean, it could be.

How long ago is this?

Seven, eight years ago?

This was 2014.

Wow.

Dude, in Cat High.

Cat High is where we got the sandwich.

In Cat High.

That's the best.

Is that a town?

Cat High is a town on Ha Long Bay.

Cat Ba Island, Cat High is where we got these sandwiches.

And it was the greatest fucking sandwich.

First of all, you got to tell me, Ha Long Bay was.

There were two things I wanted to go when I went to Southeast Asia.

And I went to one of them.

And second was Ha Long Bay.

I didn't make it in four months.

If you're 25,

I want you to get 13 of your best friends.

You're going to have 14 people total.

You're going to rent a junk boat in Ha Long Bay.

Damn.

And it is going to cost you roughly, I think, that's a junk.

There's prettier.

You can find my, that's not our junk boat.

That's the one to get.

There's prettier.

The one we stayed in was gorgeous.

See if you can find my junk boat.

My specific junk boat was fucking beautiful.

It slept our whole crew.

We had a crew of 13.

It's like a fucking it slept a whole crew in beautiful quarters.

You had maids on it.

You had cooks on it.

And for it was $1,000 a night for 13 people.

And you had all your food was paid for.

And you had beautiful evenings on Ha Long Bay out.

And you know what we did during the day?

We go rock climbing.

You'll see rock climbing pictures.

And you could rock climb over rocks where if you fell, you just fell in the water.

It's in Ha Long Bay is absolutely amazing.

You can take your junk boat.

They have villages that are just live on the water.

These people, it's like Water World.

They live on the water.

They're just fishing villages and they live on the water.

Are they all connected to each other?

What do you mean?

They're tied up like fucking like Water World.

Wow.

Remember Water World with Kevin Costner?

And I'm sure you can find pictures of it in there, but there are villages.

That's actually, as a matter of fact, right behind there is one of them.

You can see it.

That's the village.

And you could go up and you can find pictures of this internet.

This is my pictures, I'm sure.

And so you could go up and we would go and say we'd like to get crabs for the night we want to get uh some fish and they'd sell them to you right there you'd put them on your boat the one thing they had that was crazy that was one of my favorite meals it was prawns but it was prawns oh that's the prawns that's the prawns but that sauce do you see that sauce with the lime in it you see that sauce wait wait wait wait oh that over there okay yeah this was one of this is

like a powder so it is lime chilies pepper and salt and with some chilies in there and you dip your shrimp in it.

And it was so fucking amazing.

But you get all this in those little water world villages and your whole crew, you have your chefs on there.

They prepare meals like this.

And bro, if you're 25, you have 14 of your friends

for $100 a night can stay on a junk boat and have one of the greatest meals every night.

Everything's prepared for you.

And drinking wine.

Look at that hair.

God, look at that hair.

Damn, it goes all the way down.

Oh, it's got to be sprinkled in.

Oh, it has to be.

Even then?

I don't know.

I can't remember.

Peter looks young there.

These two guys,

these two guys were fun.

They were really probably my favorite two travelers we ever took anywhere because they were just

out of Cleveland.

They were in a band, punk band.

Yeah.

One of the kids hadn't talked to people.

Oh, wait, you would just take Rando's?

That was the deal with the show?

Yeah, we'd take people off the street.

We met them in Cleveland over by Hilarities.

And one of the kids hadn't talked to his dad in like 10 years.

And we aired this episode and his dad reached out to me said yo i don't have a relationship with my son um i still love him you know but i just want to thank you for taking him on this trip i watched the episode i'm so happy that he was happy i probably should have told that kid that

yeah i just was like good job bert another victory for the b-man

sorry buddy

But yeah, junkboat was the move.

So we lived on a junkboat for probably, if we were there seven days, for like three three days, we lived on a junk boat and we took it all over Ha Long Bay.

Did you jump out and swim and stuff?

You swam everywhere.

I want to seven.

So, those little raised things, mountains in the water, how is it just like breathtaking?

Yeah, like what that's

otherworldly.

Like, you've like you've never seen stuff like this.

And you can swim.

We swam.

It was cold, but it was December, but we swam.

I would swim to shore, we'd swim to shore with a bottle of wine.

We'd swim and go rush.

She swung to shore with a bottle of wine from the boat.

From the boat.

those are those little villages

so those villages they just live on the water they live their whole life on the water never leave the water really it's crazy and they people come by with trading food and stuff trading food i'm sure they take they'll take a boat to the shore trade their goods buy more food but yeah it's really this is the move if you're going to vietnam especially like a trip how long but you're going to see some of the most beautiful places

wow did you get to talk to any of the the the fishermen and stuff talk to all of them yeah we We had a guide named Titi who would take us everywhere.

Titi me progunta?

What?

Did he ask a question?

Yeah, I have a question for Titi.

Should I stop fucking all these bitches?

And Titi's like, no, you shouldn't.

It's a bad bunny song.

Uh-oh.

Whoa.

What?

That's really good.

Oh, yeah.

Holy shit.

That's

take you back at all?

The food in Vietnam was outrageous.

I mean, outrageous.

I was blown away by how everything I ate was, it felt farm to table.

Like everything was fresh.

Everything was clean textures.

That dipping sauce for the prawns, man, oh, you go into this, go into this, into the alleys and get lost.

And you just sit down.

We got to talk about this.

Okay.

What are you sitting on?

I have no idea.

It's tough to see.

But they're these little chairs that are like this big plastic for kindergarten classes.

And they stack them up and then everyone just sits on them.

Look how short they are.

And everyone just sits at these places all over Southeast Asia.

And the lady just cooks for you right there.

Where the fuck she even cooking?

There's a whole kitchen in an alley.

But this is the difference between Japan and here is Japan is like, it's like everything's a little like everything's a little like Disney-fied.

And then you go here and it's like...

Oh, these are benches.

And you're walking through and then the lady, I'm going to do the horrific Vietnamese accent.

This is what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

Those little, they're like little step stools.

And then she just sees you and she's like, you eat now.

You eat now.

Sit down.

Be big American.

Big American.

Eat a lot of food.

And you're like, yeah.

Guys, wait, go back to the other one.

Look at the fucking food.

Go back to the other one.

Guys, today's episode of Yubi Tripper is brought to you by Pho Thui.

If you're in some fucking alley in some goddamn town in Vietnam, look no further than Pho Thui for your best, freshest food.

5,000 bait.

5,000 baht per kilo.

dude they love me so so the vietnamese people love me yeah love me because my energy is big my energy is american yeah and they kind of celebrate the idea that i'm i'm not vietnamese you know like that like okay so hold on so let's okay so

so this is

yeah this is the story this is my this is my favorite story okay so Every episode we have a tent poll, you know, an act four of like something wild.

So we land in Bon Mi.

We land in

whatever high.

I'm thinking of food.

He's like, ooh, and then we went to Pho.

We went after that.

Dude, I fucked Pho up.

I fucked Pho up.

But so our 10 pole was going into the world's largest cave.

That was our act four.

We're going to do a six-hour hike into the jungle, into the world's largest cave.

What's so interesting is I so much don't remember these parts of my life that I heard a guy on Rogan one time talk about going to this exact cave.

It was this whole episode.

It was him.

This is what he did.

And I remember going, like, that seems cool.

And then I was like, wait, I think I've been there.

And I was like, well, I've been on Rogan like 35 times.

I never once talked about any of the coolest shit I ever did.

I just never thought to do that.

You're going to, while we're doing this episode, you're going to remember something you haven't thought of in 10 years.

Oh,

you know what?

What's crazy?

I did a podcast in this cave.

No.

I swear to God.

I bet you can find that fucking podcast.

You can find that.

It's when I did my priest on my whole podcast myself.

I did a podcast in the cave.

Did you put it out?

I put it out.

Is there ever a podcast you didn't put out?

Why tilt?

Oh, yeah, there is one.

There's one podcast I didn't put out.

I should put that out.

I mean, I got a special coming up.

Not today.

So it's a six-hour hike.

The one thing they said when we said, there are two things they did for us.

They said, number one, you need different socks.

I don't care what you say.

We're going to sell you different socks.

Right at the foot, right when you're about to take the, like, everyone take your socks off.

What do you mean?

I thought it was a rub, right?

So I was like, because I have tactile issues.

I was was like, this is a fucking

tactile.

What does that mean?

Certain things bother me.

Like certain textures bother me.

And so, so I said, I said, I'm like, this is a fucking, this is one of those upsells.

They're going to take us on a hike, but we're going to sell you socks also.

That's how they get you on socks.

And I was like, fuck that.

I'm not going to do the socks.

And then the TT goes, put the fucking socks on.

And I was like, okay, but I have, I have tactile issues and I'm about to

walk through rivers and in sand.

I'm going to, it's getting to go, the leeches are fucking wild.

They go, you're going to get covered in leeches, but leeches can't attach to these types of socks.

They're like polyester or some shit, or they're like wool.

And so they're like leeches can't, so the leeches can't get onto the socks, so they won't go up your legs.

Trust me.

One dude didn't buy the socks

covered in fucking leeches.

Not one leech on me.

And so I was like, thank God I bought the fucking socks.

Second thing they said, do not grab onto any branch.

If you're falling, fall into the, do not grab onto a branch.

The number one way people get hurt on this hike is grabbing branches to like steady themselves.

And they go, there will be a viper, a green viper snake.

You will think it's a branch.

It will bite you.

We can't get you out in time and you will die.

Oh, I'm like, motherfucker.

Six-hour hike is no joke.

I was wearing a Fitbit at the time.

And I want to say it registered something like 45,000 steps that day.

I mean, it was the most aggressive hike, and but the beginning of the hike, this is my favorite part of the story.

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Now, let's get back to the episode.

I'll tell you about the cave in a second.

We walk into a village, a Vietnamese village that has not been touched since I'm going to dare I say the Vietnam War.

No one's walked through this village.

You know what they call that war?

Just war.

The American War.

Do they really?

Yeah,

we just had the French war, that 10 years of peace.

Oh, they don't call it the Vietnamese Vietnam?

Yeah, everyone.

They don't call it Vietnam.

Wait, Vietnam doesn't call it Vietnam?

No, they call themselves Vietnam,

but they just had a French war.

Now we had an American war.

That blew my mind.

Because anytime I tried to take people, offer the people the trip to go, you guys want to go to Vietnam?

Everyone went, you want to go to Nam?

And I was like, no.

It's not Nam anymore.

We're not going to walk with our fucking guns above our heads.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

So this war, this village probably hasn't been touched by Americans haven't walked into it in fucking 60 years, whatever.

So we walk into this village.

It was crazy because a woman was squatting, smoking a cigarette, looking at me through a missing wooden panel in her house, like squatting and smoking and just sizing me up.

And I was like, oh, I guarantee you, she was older.

I guarantee you she saw white men like me walk through this village during the Vietnam war and she is fucking triggered the kids had never seen a white man so adversely they'd never seen someone with a beard oh oh because they don't have they don't have beards vietnamese people can't grow beards like look at that kid wearing her free waters the kid was just like nothing can i

that's a good one

the kid i the kids like they i think that's tt he goes i said all the kids were staring at me the kids were like mesmerized by me and i was like what is it and he's like they think you're an animal.

They think you're like an animal, like a, like a, that came out of the woods.

Not an animal at all.

And I said, I said, no.

I said, they don't know what your facial hair.

They've never seen facial hair.

And one kid goes, can I touch it?

And I was like, yeah.

So they touched my beard.

And I was like, I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I go, have they ever had Skittles?

I don't what what that's MMs in my hand.

But I go, have they ever had MMs or Skittles?

And he was like, no, and I had a ton of candy with me.

So I break out.

Nobody's going to accuse you of making that part up.

I break out fucking Skittles and M ⁇ Ms, and I watch these kids try Skittles and MMs for the first time in their life.

And they're just like, dude,

they can never go back.

They were like, can I ignore that?

And then I was like, yeah, but you got to touch my beard.

And then they touch my beard.

I go,

and then I give them candy.

And it kind of got creepy.

They were like, hey, stop making them touch you.

Look how happy that kid looks.

Oh, but they were all touching my beard.

They're like, weird.

YouTube pictures of all the kids.

Those are the kids.

What is that?

First of all, badass outfit.

That's something Schultz would wear right now.

That Abba XO style, alternative style.

Whoa.

Look how grizzled they are.

Yeah.

K-pop.

And so,

but we go into that village.

We sat, we had dinner with them.

We ate lunch with them.

And these were all the kids.

This is me feeding them all candy.

Oh, remind me later.

We got to talk about stray dogs.

Oh.

But do not pet those dogs.

they've never washed the dog, yeah,

mate.

You see the fleas on it, like oh, oh,

the other thing that blew me away is how they just burn garbage, like garbage goes in the front, they just burn it everywhere.

They burn garbage everywhere, they just and they stand over it as if it's a campfire, yeah.

The rivers, the river, the river passages were pretty hectic because, like, going walking through the rivers to get to this cave, because you get to the cave, and it is, I mean,

it is, I think, pull up the name of the cave.

There's interesting facts.

I think you could put the Empire State Building in this cave.

That's how big this cave is.

Why would you do that?

Look at that.

Look at this thing.

It is absolutely crazy.

And so we're in there for six hours?

So we go, no, we hike six hours in, and it's, I mean, it's an aggressive hike.

$450

to do this tour.

Well, that's $152.

That's what I'm interested in.

And then.

you guys sure laugh a lot in there.

But you camp on this beach.

Yeah.

You camp on this beach.

Oh, it's a beach in the cave.

Inside the cave, there's a beach in the cave.

And you go in the water.

It's fucking great.

You cook in there.

I did a podcast.

Did you find the podcast?

No, I haven't found it yet.

That's when it was audio only.

It's just audio.

Those are the best times.

Just audio.

But you have pictures.

I have pictures of us in the cave.

I'm surrounded.

Let me see those.

So, wow.

What is it?

You walk some on land, then some in the water.

Look how quickly the darkness comes.

Oh, it gets so dark and quiet in a cave, and then you hear bats.

Like, yeah.

Did you do the thing where you turn your, everyone turn your lights off for a second, and then just see how dark it really is?

We did that.

We did that in, I did that once in Costa Rica, and we were like, we were spelunking, and they did that, and I've never had a more severe panic attack in my life.

We had, we had, there's this cave area in northern Thailand, and it was like, there's like, this guy discovered like 30 caves, John Spies.

And, and so it was like, he takes you on some hikes on them.

And at the end of two of them, one of them, we went, like, let's turn off our flashlights for a second and see.

And it's like, you can't see, there's nothing, no change.

So the next day we did it, and one guy kept freaking out.

Dude, like, turn off your lights.

And they immediately turn it back on.

And then they're like, all right, but we're going to turn off our lights so we can see what the darkness is.

It's like, okay.

And then immediately back on.

We're like, let's leave it off for a minute.

I left it off for like a full minute.

Look, that was two seconds.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got lost in this cave.

Not lost, lost, but took a hike and got and ended up on the other side of the cave.

On the other side of the cave is like, keep going, scrolling through these.

There's a, you, there's one picture where you can see.

So you're camping there.

Yeah, we're camping in there.

Look how big it is compared to those tents.

Oh, it's so

fucking massive.

Where's that?

Let me see if I can find that where that cave is on here.

Yeah.

Because there's one picture.

Even the outside is gorgeous.

And it's just like a jungle.

Oh.

There's one picture where you can see I'm standing on a rock.

Yeah.

You live in LA at this point or New York?

I'm living in LA.

I'm living in LA.

I have two kids.

I came back from this trip, and man, it was Christmas time.

It was December 14th is when we took this trip.

And I came back and I had to go to Christmas parties.

And I hadn't,

my fucking hours were wildly off.

I mean, I think we left.

We left Vietnam Vietnam to go to Japan.

That's the other side of the cave, which is fucking, there's a travel channel pose.

But that's the other side of the cave.

So you can walk through the cave and go out the other side.

And the other side's fucking gorgeous.

There's waterfalls.

There's me doing a read.

Wow.

Yeah.

Damn, it's so big.

It's crazy, Ari, because, you know, even in this, I was working so much that you don't really get to like have a moment to like stop and go, man, this is wild.

you almost like because also you know i have anxiety and i i know i had to swim with whale sharks in like three days after this could say one of my biggest regrets what my first commercial i ever did for kia they flew us out to monument valley two commercials mine in one day and then or a few days and theirs a few days some overlap and they go hey you're not working tomorrow until the afternoon i'm so tired from waking up early he goes but they're shooting at the grand canyon do you want to just go And I'm like, no, I want to sleep in.

And I'd never been.

And it was another 15 years till I ever went.

And it I was like, what am I doing?

Get up and go to the Grand Fucking Canyon.

And when you're in, like, shooting all day, I can see you going, like,

I don't have time to just go off on a hike by myself.

No, you just go, like.

And then we had to hike six hours out.

So, like, you have all this stuff in your head of like, what I gotta do, what I gotta do.

Do you remember the smell at all?

Yeah, it was musky.

All caves smell alike, I think.

I mean, you're Vietnam in general.

Even the outside.

I don't remember the smell.

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there's this so you live in la yeah i live in new york which is way more concrete jungle when you get out to there whatever that was where you see the outside of it and just like this jungly trees what it's so it's like 100 nature yeah it's like oh it's it's kind of not unsettling but it's like oh this is what it's like to be on the land

You know, I keep thinking, like, people.

Oh, look at this.

Imagine being out in this.

There's nothing.

No one cuts that grass.

No one mows it.

It's far from Mexico.

No one cares.

No one waters those trees.

They just grow.

Yeah.

If it is.

It was so wild.

You know what?

The other thing I kept,

I always was hyper-aware is any injury there.

is

deadly.

Like you're six hours, a six-hour aggressive hike into a jungle.

You break an ankle, and all of a sudden it becomes a real issue for all.

And there's no, and like everyone's trusting that the guy leading us, we had porters for this.

So we had dudes carrying all the stuff, Chris Porter, Jason Porter.

Yeah.

No, we had porters carrying all our gear.

So these porters were carrying 300-pound packs with our tents, our food, the kitchen, the pans, the pots.

And we were carrying a backpack, if that.

But these porters were carrying like 300-pound packs out there.

And then you, and you're trusting that they know where they go.

And have you ever been lost in the woods?

Yeah.

Too much.

For real?

Yeah, it's scary as fuck.

The scariest.

As soon as you're like, that's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

And then the sun starts to go.

You see it just over the hump and you're like, oh, I could, I might die out here.

When do the night animals come?

When you're like three hours away and you're like, hey, this is getting real?

Yeah.

There is a, if you're listening to this podcast and you know that feeling, just raise your hand.

Because there's a moment where you go, hold on, wait, wait, wait, should we take left or doing right?

And then if you have more than one person, and somebody's fucking around, it's like, hey, stop fucking around for a second.

We got to find this.

Yeah.

This is fucking real.

Yeah.

We got lost in the woods in Wisconsin one time.

Yeah.

And

it was the worst way to get lost.

We took a couple to go.

The guy was going to propose.

We took them to a waterfall for him to propose.

He proposed.

She said no.

And then then we got lost on our walk back.

She said no.

She said yes for the camera, but no to him.

And it was like, oh,

and then we got lost on the walk back.

No one's talking.

We get lost

and the sun just starts to go down.

And

we started fighting over whether we take a left or we go straight.

And I was certain it was left.

And all the women were certain it was straight.

And we went straight and we got really fucking lost.

so there is okay so there is a bit of a nice at least you bitches were wrong well you know it took you know what I did because you don't want to be the one wrong I'd rather be dead no

cell phone service no cell phone service and we're just we're just fucking hoping a walkie talkie get we get close enough so we can get to someone to walkie talkie

and then we and then we got

Tyler was uh

Tyler Tyler was our our cameraman and he was back at the car at the vans and he just started honking the horn to give you like a like he knew we were lost.

He just started honking the horn, and we were like, I hear the horn.

And we're like, just start walking towards the horn.

Wow.

Dude, but when you go out there, you realize if,

if, if the lead guy has a heart attack and we don't know where we are anymore, we'll never find our way to the bus.

It's a movie.

It's a movie.

I'm with a guy.

We're fine.

He's like, oh, the guy just, the rock fell on his head.

He's dead.

Yeah.

I think of, I think of that.

I think that's why I have anxiety.

Like, when I go surfing, I always think, I'm on blood thinners.

If I get bit by a shark, I will bleed out.

Like, I'll die.

This is why am I going surfing?

If I get bit by a shark, very minor bite, I will bleed out.

But here's what should calm you down.

If you get a very major bite, anyone would bleed out.

Yeah.

So really, the blood thinners don't matter in that instance.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

Dude, one time me and Matt Edgar were walking.

We were hiking with Benji Aflalo's dog, this little fucking Chihuahua.

We're lost, lost in one of the hikes near L.A.

And I mean, we're just like, yeah, let's take this side thing.

And we're just fucked.

And it's like, ah, sun's coming around.

We're starting to get get worried.

We're having to like

cut through brush and like and like stickers and stuff.

And we're like handing the dog over because he can't get through.

Yeah.

And we finally just like,

oh, there's a fucking path.

And we're like, oh.

And right then there was this beautiful dog, this other dog.

And we're like, hey, what's up, buddy?

How you doing?

I was so excited.

I was so petting this dog.

And then we started walking away.

And Matt's like, dude, you handle that really well.

And I was like, yeah, I mean, I was excited to be back on the path.

He goes, no, but you played it cool.

And I was like, what do you you mean?

He goes, The dog, the owners.

He's like, Who's that?

It's like the lead singer of My Morning Glory, Mil Kunas, and Ashton Kucher.

I was like, Didn't even glance at them.

Are you serious?

Didn't even, that's how I played it cool.

Did not even get it.

Can someone get me a glass on the rocks?

I want to have a real whiskey.

There you go.

Hey, sweet, can I?

Los Doras, porfa.

Can I?

I don't know why I thought of this.

Can I backtrack one?

Because I want to tell you

my favorite part of this trip.

I have a story that I've told on stage.

I think I've told it on one of your storytelling shows.

Okay.

But

I think I did.

Oh, one of the live ones.

One of the live ones, yeah.

But we ended up going to a farm stay.

I want to tell you about the farm stay.

That's a good, it's a good story.

I thought about it for a second, 10 minutes ago, and I was like, we actually, when you said, like, I never appreciated this, I was like, no, no, I know a story where you did appreciate it.

Yes, yes.

So, but if you go back and you can find these pictures, that day on the motorcycle,

exploring, I think it was Ho Chi Minh City, or exploring that city was crazy.

And one of the things we did, and this is possibly one of the most unique things I've ever done traveling, is we got our ears cleaned.

Have you ever gotten your ears cleaned?

No, what?

So, can you find the pictures?

They're called ear pickers.

And they're, and what they do is they go into your ears.

Look at your face.

There's actually, you know what?

There's a video of this on YouTube.

Look at you staring at this guy who doesn't talk to his dad.

This,

this,

that's all the pain of not having a father for your name.

Is there a a picture of the utensils?

Can we get a second?

Someone who doesn't drink whiskey.

Yeah, with lots of ice.

Just lots of it.

Tom's fucking cheating us on ice.

So do you have more pictures of the tools in here?

So they clean your ears.

There's a video.

Zoom in.

There's a video.

I'm going to get on Bert's ear there.

You got to see what they're putting in your ears.

I hope it's legal.

And there's a video on YouTube

of, it's called Ear Cleaning Burt Chrysler, you'll find, that is the whole thing.

Go like this, like that.

Go like that.

Go like that.

I want to see that ear.

Get in that ear.

But they go,

so on the side for like fucking three bucks.

I mean, look, he's sitting on one of those seats.

I got to start writing travel stuff.

I need to write an essay on those chairs.

The one that he's sitting on.

Did you find the ear cleaning video on YouTube?

It's Ear Cleaning Burt Kreiser, Vietnam.

And you'll see, and it's the whole thing.

But this is it.

This is us driving all the way up.

Can I get permission to use this?

Yeah.

Thank you.

So they go and you can get a haircut on the side of the street.

Wow.

On the other side is, that's the lake that what's his name fell into?

McCain.

McCain.

On the other side of this.

But they cut your hair.

They shave you.

They give you a shave on the side of the street for like three fucking bucks.

And then they clean your fucking ears.

Straight razor shave.

And then they clean your ears.

You got to see the utensils they use to clean ears because, Ari, they

go in with needles and little knives.

They shave the hair on the inside of your ear and they pull out tootsie rolls full of white.

Look at these are the tarot.

Ari, Ari, these are the tools.

Oh, thank you.

These are the tools.

Thank you.

Thanks, Coke.

Way do you see what they pull out of his fucking ear?

Look, they go in like this.

Look at that.

Dork.

Way do you see this?

Way do you see what they pull out of his ear?

It's fucking amazing.

Oh,

it's a Tootsie roll full of wax.

Oh, I wish they had this in the States.

I was

blown away by what was in everyone's ears.

What are you doing right there?

I'm showing it to everyone.

Those are jokes on my hand.

Isn't that crazy?

I'm still a comedian.

Look at that.

Look at what they pulled out of his fucking ear.

And by the way, all of a sudden, he cuts out fucking earth.

Look at him.

I can hear.

I can hear.

Wow, he's like that kid where he hears for the first time.

He's like, what?

This is the coolest thing we did in all of Vietnam, in my opinion.

This is the coolest thing because I was like, I wish they had that in the States because I really, really, really enjoyed.

You don't drink ice with your whiskey?

Taste it first and then

put some ice in if I need it.

Okay.

But that was getting your ears clean was probably one of the coolest things.

The food and the...

Can I just tell you, that's the kind of thing that I want this podcast.

Not well, oh, here's the hotel to go to, here's the, this.

I want to like, no one's ever, I've lived on this earth for over 30 years and I have never heard anyone talk about the Vietnamese ear cleanings.

Dude, I once heard David Chang, no, David

Cho, talk on Rogan about getting his ears cleaned in Asia.

And I was, I remember hearing it and going, what the fuck?

Dude, I met the guy at the mothership.

And I don't, you know, I don't follow life.

Yeah.

So I'm like, who's this guy in a robe with like paint on his face?

And I was talking to him.

He was so interesting.

I'm like, and then I told Joe, I'm like, who's your friend with the robe, bro?

He's fucking cool.

He's like, he's an artist.

I'm like, yeah, I could tell.

Yeah,

that guy's a fucking fascinating story.

One painting, and he takes stock in Facebook.

But he's living it right.

Sounds like he's living it right.

Dude, he's living the fucking best life.

I would love to have that life.

Tap me out.

Give me $20 million.

Come on to the podcast.

But that earpicking thing was one of the coolest things.

And so we

do hear better afterwards.

I didn't have anything in my ears.

My ears are clean as shit.

I clean my ears every day.

I just saw these, and I had to like the shit that was on the edges of them.

I just kind of cleaned them out so it won't do me justice.

It was like, ugh.

That's in there always.

Oh, I wish they had that in the United States.

I think it's highly unsanitary.

What?

I never once saw the guy like dip his utensils in alcohol.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm pretty sure we were all got searing ear infections after that.

But nothing's worse than the the fucking infections we got after being in a hot tub with Norman.

Remember that?

You remember that?

Every one of us got his chlamydia.

I told the guy, I was like, hey, I think something's wrong with your hot tub.

He goes, I clean it literally every day.

And he's like, who was any?

I'm like, oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Eye infection, skin rashing.

Yeah.

You remember my hands wouldn't stop itching?

I was like, what the fuck?

Oh,

the, you know, what's really cool about this?

So we took a train.

So we went.

We took a...

This is a good one.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

That's crazy.

What the fuck?

That fart just set off for...

I just said we took a train and the pictures from the train just showed up on my phone.

I said we took a train and the pictures of the train just showed up on my fucking phone and it started playing.

I mean, they can make us think whatever they want to.

That's fucking.

What do you think they're just fucking with us at this point?

Yeah, they're just playing it hardball.

It's like putting a fucking weird third eye on a pyramid on a dollar and like they'll never figure it out.

So we took a train to

take to do this hike.

Yeah.

I remember Red Band texted me and asked if I was if I could do

if I could do

Yeah, he texted me and asked me if I could do

Death Squad East or whatever.

you know, like that, remember that you used to do Death Squad

and Pasadena.

Yeah, yeah.

He texted me.

He's like, hey, can you do it?

And I was on the, getting off the train, getting into a Jeep.

You can find the picture of this.

In Vietnam.

In Vietnam.

And I said, I think I'm in Bo Mi or wherever in Vietnam.

And he was like, what?

And I was like, yeah, I can't make it.

He was like, what the fuck?

How fun is it to have that as an excuse?

Oh, that just reminds me, actually,

we have a lot of shit talk text threads in our lives.

And

so on one of them, Sober October, it was right after January January 6th.

And it was, I saw messages.

I wasn't there.

So I was like seeing messages from you.

I was like, this is crazy.

This is crazy.

I'm like, what's crazy?

I don't know what the reference is.

And it was like, this is crazy.

What's happening?

And then I remember being on a hammock

with my dog on my

looking out of the jungle.

I'm like, I don't know, guys, this is what I'm looking at.

And Rogan's like, yeah, you win.

Don't just go back to that.

Oh, that was the fucking.

I'm not feeling any of it.

He texted me.

He's like, can you do the podcast tonight?

And I was like, I just got off a train.

I'm getting into a Jeep.

You can see the picture of the Jeep.

It's a badass fucking Jeep.

We drove it around Vietnam, and then got

so.

It's it, what a fun excuse.

Oh, the um, that's the Jeep.

Wow, fucking great.

Wow, and Ga Dong,

I think is where I was.

I remember texting that to Red Ben.

I mean, Ga Dong Ho.

I can't make it.

Miss Pat was a Ga Dong Ho for a while.

Did you see the clip of Miss Pat?

Do you ever, okay, do you ever like repping you?

Yeah, yeah.

But it's everyone's like, Joe Rogan's the man.

And I was like, I was also in that.

I was in that.

Yeah, I was like, I was like, I called her.

Fucking.

It made me feel bad.

I'm like, wait, did I not call her?

Wait, why should I have called her?

Should have called me.

Wait, we talked.

But so after this, I'm trying to think, go through my pictures, see if there's anything else I'm leaving out that's really interesting.

We got to get to that.

To the farm stay.

Yeah.

It's such a cool story.

Did you, let me think, what else?

How were the bathrooms there?

Did you experience any

don't remember, but I think I shit in holes.

Yeah.

I think you shit in a hole.

Yeah.

And I loved it.

I was like, this is how I was meant to shit.

I think so.

All that like tushy, whatever.

I have to have a picture of a toilet in here.

I know I have to have a picture of a fucking toilet.

I know I do.

Let's, before we end it, how about this?

Before we end this, we're going to just leaf through them.

And if anything catches your eye, go, hold on, I got a story about this.

Oh, here, I got a picture.

This is, well, these are the toilets.

I hope it is.

This is the the toilet on our

speedboat.

I love these toilets because they have the sprayer for you to spray your ass.

The bum gun.

I love it.

I love washing my asshole.

After I shit, I love the bum gun.

You, you, you, do you just take that?

It's hit it.

It's like one of those things at the sink where you pull it out and then like hit the sprayer.

Oh, look at the chat.

I'll send this to you right now, unless you have it.

I don't have that.

There's no way he has your number in here, right?

No,

he's about to.

I love that.

Okay.

So

scroll the pictures, see if there's anything interesting that

pops.

Well, what is this?

Oh, I took some panoramics of How Long Bay.

I'll send these to you.

It was so fucking beautiful.

I want to be there so bad.

It was so beautiful.

All right, did you air doubt that's me or the studio computer here?

No, I sent it to myself.

I'm sending it to you right now.

This is the speedboat we took to get to our junk boat, and it was all aluminum or aluminium, and it was so fucking loud, and I had the biggest panic attack.

Here's what's crazy.

Can I tell you?

Do you ever look at bags that you miss?

Bags.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

Hey, you know what I'm trying to do?

I'm trying to look at these two bags.

These traveled around the world with me on travel channel.

There's something to them.

I just rode to Osprey, and I was like, I had this great bag that I traveled through Southeast Asia.

It was just small enough to get on overhead, just small enough with a detachable thing.

It's breaking.

I used it and I wrote them, they won't roll me back.

And I'm just like, guys, I use this bag.

I just listed the countries it's been to.

And it's just like, as you say, you're like, oh, it was like, it was like your companion.

So you want to know something wild?

Look at all the stickers on it.

Look at they got a Judah Freelander sticker.

That means Judah Freelander has been to all these places.

You know what I was doing at the time?

Was I was taking...

No, no, Brody was still alive.

Oh, that's...

So this is the podcast.

Did you find the podcast?

I couldn't find it.

It's just audio.

It's going to be on burtcast.com.

Oh, okay.

It's on the 30s.

It's justburtcast.com, and it'll be like early 60s, I'm guessing.

Like, it'll be one of the early ones.

It's just audio.

We did a podcast here, and these are the two guys, and this is where we ate.

And we just had a beautiful fucking meal in the middle of this cave.

On this tarp?

And the sand was so fine.

Oh, this is in the cave.

What's crazy about these bags?

And I got these, these are Kirkland bags.

These are the best two bags I've ever Kirkland from fucking Costco.

Kirkland makes good products.

Fuck yes.

And I had so many.

So today's episode of Yubi Tripper is brought to you by Kirkland Products.

When you're looking to save money and still want to not get the worst thing possible, look no further than Kirkland from Costco.

Now back to the episode.

I used to bring Brodie Stevens' trading card with me.

Places after he killed himself.

Yeah.

And I just take pictures.

It went up in value.

I tell you that.

If you're a collector, you want to get those the day before.

Someone just explained Bitcoin to me by those trading cards.

Really?

I was like, they're like, you know, you can buy your trading card.

My trading card sells for $200 a trading card if it's

signed.

Yeah.

And I was like,

sells for $2.

I was like, well, that's crazy.

Who cares about that?

And he goes, that's the whole point about Bitcoin.

If you believe it's worth it, then it is worth it.

You just got to believe.

That's how the

chiropractor works also.

It's also, yeah, it's how the U.S.

government,

China had paper money for years, for fucking hundreds of years.

And America, no one would adopt it because they wanted to feel the weight in their hand.

And then we went to war with France and Canada to try to win over fucking Canada or get back Boston or whatever the fuck it was.

And we now have the money.

We need $7,000.

So one of the fucking general, one of the mayors is like, yo, let's just make $7,000 worth of paper.

Tell them it's worth the money.

And then when we go in, we'll win the war.

We'll collect all their goods.

And then that'll be what their paper is worth.

They can trade their paper in and get their goods.

It's money.

It's money.

That's what we're going to do.

But everyone has to believe it.

Okay.

So everyone's like, okay, we believe it.

Even if you don't believe it, just say you believe it.

Just say you believe it.

Just say you believe it.

And so everyone believed it.

And then everyone was like, yo, paper's a lot easier.

I can walk around and I don't feel paper floating around in my pocket.

I don't have to take a bag of paper with me to the store.

Like, I can just put it right in my pocket.

And then that's how we get it.

It's like when you go to a hotel and they have this old-style actual key and you're like, this is cute, but actually it's super lame.

I kept putting this in my wallet.

Do you know what I was doing when I was traveling travel channel?

Is I'd steal don't disturb me signs.

Wow.

And because you got, there were really cool ones.

Like there was one in Hawaii of like what you could deem like a racist picture of a Hawaiian in a hammock with his feet up and it's like nuta day, bro, or whatever.

And I was like, I love that one.

Are there any more pictures in there before we go?

I got, I got in China.

I have people send me money so I can put it up in my other studio, like just bills of places, you know, like in like Key West or whatever.

You know?

Yeah.

And so somebody sent me Chinese money during COVID.

They reprinted a new bill to honor like nurses and stuff and like doctors.

Yeah, what is that fruit?

That is dragon fruit.

Dragon fruit.

That's their breakfast shit.

That's just, I mean, we ate so fucking clean.

I lost so much weight on this trip because everything you eat is clean and we were walking everywhere.

There's something about tropical fruit, too, that is just like the pineapples in that region.

It's like, you're like, what the fuck?

I've had things that remind you of pineapples until then.

See what's crazy is so I was showing you you the train i was telling you the story about the train we got on the train to go take it to ho chi min or whatever the fuck we had to go south and uh and as soon as i got on the train i went numb this is 2014.

i had not

the machine story i don't think i i maybe had told it on rogan but it wasn't viral no one really knew it and we got on the train i realized these are the same trains in russia

Vietnam was still communist when I was there.

They were still communists.

Those were Russian trains.

And I got on the train and and i went holy i was i literally had i was like this is the exact same size and i was like and everyone's silly from them too i know i told i told the story to my crew yeah and to the two kids and i was like yeah and i go i get i bet we can find the bar cart and i'll show you exactly how big the bar cart is so we walked we found the bar cart and i was like this is surreal it was the identical train to the one we took in russia What is it?

It just reminded me about something when you go back to a place or when you like that, where you're like, it's just this unlocking, like, oh, yeah.

And they had this over there.

Like, if you were somewhere as a kid, and it's just as you're there, like, I think around this corner, right, there's awful thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, it's just this unlocking.

It's not deja vu.

It's like, it's like new ja vu or some shit.

Yeah, yeah where you're like old ja vu, where you're like, oh, shut the fuck up.

Hold on.

It's like, like you ever go back to your old house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go back to your old neighborhood.

Like I did, I'd get it emotional.

I took my girls back to our first neighborhood.

We live in like a redneck neighborhood.

And I drove my daughters through there.

And I was like, that's the house I grew up in.

And it's not impressive.

I mean, it's like very, very small.

Even after everyone bought property in Florida and tried to flip it to make it look nice, it is still track housing.

It is, it is.

And the neighborhood just doesn't.

And I was like, and I started going, there were Asian people that live right, the hose lived right next door.

And I was like, and that dog, there was a dog there that tried to attack me.

They had a dog in there.

I go, Corky Gaines lived down here.

And they were like, what?

And I go, Hernando Bernal lived in this house.

and you just on you and you unpack and you go oh i wonder if the old uh swing set's still up and you go by and they're like oh they put a new one up and your daughters have no

one else can relate to it no one else relates to it it's like it's like i used to live here and like cool story bro did you see did you see arnold schwarzenegger in his documentary went back to his childhood house and went to his bedroom and they dressed it like it was his bedroom i was like that had to be wild the man who lived there was a pussy no lifting iron at all my buddy Eddie one time goes, we're driving through Hollywood and he goes, Betch $100 if I can get us into this house.

I was like,

that's a bet.

Let's do it.

Pulled over, knocks on the door, and I'm just looking at him.

He's smiling.

Lady opens the door and he goes, hey, I grew up here.

I was wondering if I could see my old room.

Lady's like, oh, of course.

Come on in.

Wow.

I mean, Eddie was, Eddie is one of the smartest motherfuckers in the world.

He had no relation to that house.

None.

Yeah, that's great.

And he was like, whoa, this has changed.

She goes, yeah, they've renovated it a few times.

He's like, this isn't even like, I mean, I couldn't even tell you where my room is.

She goes, well, did you live downstairs?

He's like, yeah.

Oh,

sure.

Look at the fucking food, though, Ari.

I mean, all the food, the food was like, you know what?

I learned here?

This is one of the one things I learned.

Big log burning.

Explain.

So you're not going to find a picture.

Hopefully, you'll find a picture.

They would, instead of chopping firewood, they would simply take a huge log and lean it into the fire.

And as it burned, just scoot it down.

Just keep the log move the log move the log so they would burn one big fucking piece of log and just let the whole log burn down as opposed to like keeping adding to the

let it go up let it go up right just keep moving the log moving the log they did that all the time here wow i mean they got that down yeah small fire just to keep warm with like little pieces of like twigs and stuff they got that shit down like i need i got two hours before sun comes up i just gotta this i told lean i look at that it's like you're just cooking everything's there the teapot all these pots, it's just like, I know it's not more real food, but it's just like you're actually doing it right there.

I don't know.

There's some connection to it.

Everyone squats and smokes.

They squat like a catcher and smoke.

The men, the women, everyone squats and smokes.

And you're just like, they're so agile.

Like everyone in Vietnam is agile.

No fat people.

Like it was just people as real.

Oh, that's why they love me.

Like big American, loud as fuck.

Like, you're what we heard about.

Yeah.

But so any more pictures?

I'll see if I got any on my phone that I want that are worth

Yeah, I can kind of go through them and you can stop me if you see something.

Yeah, by the way, don't forget I have a new special out today America's sweetheart another toilet picture.

Okay, it's up.

I walked into the bathroom to take a shit.

Did you get it?

I want to see it on air.

And someone had what I'm assuming was going to be their lunch waiting in the bathroom.

In the bathroom.

And I was like, I'm going to take a shit with your lunch.

What do you mean the lunch was waiting in the bathroom?

What do you mean to the picture?

What do you mean the lunch is waiting in the bathroom?

I don't guess it was their lunch.

I'm pretty sure it was their lunch.

Got to see what the fuck this is.

Okay, this is.

I had a goose in a bag.

What the fuck, man?

Or a duck, whatever the fuck that is.

I don't even know.

And I walked in to take a shit.

And I was like, hey, does someone want to move their goose?

No one spoke English.

I was like, I guess I'm shitting with this goose in here.

So I fucking sat sat down and I took a shit with a goose in a bathroom.

Who's just staring at me like fuck, man?

Goose looked at me like it's not my best day either, bud.

I love how also the toilet is angled to make room, but then also they just fill up that room with pails.

Yeah.

Oh, it was.

Is that a flushing pail?

Wait, is this on the...

This is on the speed boat.

It's on a boat.

It's on the speed boat.

And then I sent you a picture.

I want everyone.

I really, if I can do one thing, it's like, it's, it's, it's to implore people to go to Vietnam and do the things that you wouldn't normally do.

And I'm telling you, a junk boat

is the fucking move.

$1,300 a day.

You can put 14 people on it.

More of you double up in beds and show them what my bedroom looked like.

And this is my bedroom on the junkboat.

You know what reminded me of?

Agatha Christie's Death on the Nile.

That's our dining hall.

So this is where everyone could eat.

So these real communal.

It's real communal, and they have chefs that cook all your meals for you.

What were the conversations like here at these dinners?

It was me talking about getting involved with Russian mafia.

Because these are all your employees.

These are all me employees.

So what's interesting, Ari,

you witnessed a little bit this today.

I would, no one on this crew

would be allowed to pick a seat.

I would tell everyone where they had to sit because I knew the best way to direct conversation.

So I couldn't have certain people sit in certain places because they would get ignored in the conversation.

So I need them to be taken care of.

So I sit people according to how good the conversation is.

And I can almost promise you I am the very far end of the table and I work my way south.

Would a good conversationalist be on the far side?

Far side.

Far side.

The best conversationalist is the furthest away from everyone.

So that everyone's in the middle.

Everyone's in the middle.

Because you're going back and forth with that guy.

If I'm in the middle, I'll ignore one side of the table.

Right.

I told that when we were talking about two bears, and I was like, oh, Tom has to be in the middle.

Oh, really?

That's how you set it up that way?

Yeah.

I was on Two Bears last week, everybody.

Go check it out.

One of the best episodes I've done in years, people are saying.

So, okay.

So, let's see.

Hey, can you can you fake some

like feedback?

Some Twitter and Instagram feedback on that.

I've go finally, it's been seven years since we've got a good episode with these guys.

Just anything you want.

Fucking finally, it's been seven years.

All right.

So, I'm going to send you a couple pictures.

Protect our parks.

tells us

October is worse than the regs.

It's kind of crazy.

What?

You know, I do get bummed that I can't, because I'd love to party with you guys on Savior Parks.

Anyone who's like, I want to be part of that is like, we're not actually doing that.

We're just, this is the crew.

No, I would never do it.

Yeah.

But like, it's already too good.

I mean, I've never listened to an episode who says you guys are just, I'm not fans, but

you keep saying I've never listened to an episode as if it's some insult that like you've never listened to my podcast.

No, I've listened to three episodes of any podcast of all time.

What's the last podcast, comedians, podcast you listen to?

Mine's Schultz.

Comedians.

Schultz.

I think the last one I listened to was the Liz Fair episode of Joe Rogan probably eight years ago.

Really?

Yeah.

I should have done this all before, but you can edit some of this out, right?

402.

Why is it so funny?

I have to type in your number every time.

Save it, maybe.

So

this is a portion of the hike.

God damn it.

We have the rivers.

I should have sent all these to you.

Yeah.

You can also, you can send them after and we can put stuff in.

You want me to show me that?

The stuff from before I've sent after.

You've gotten the goose, you've gotten the dining hall, you've gotten the picture of the girl with the dog, you've gotten the hike, and you've gotten, they're all delivered.

And you've gotten my bed in the face of the.

Guys, take this opportunity of mannering to subscribe to this podcast.

I know it's been a year and you've been like, maybe I'll subscribe later.

Go ahead and subscribe.

Now's the time.

Also, I got a special out today.

Hey, congratulations on the special.

Hey, will you pour me another little

celebrating for your special?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Today's the day.

Yeah, I got the bed now.

Which one do you want first?

Pull up the bed in this.

Because I really want...

That's my sister.

Oh, it's my wife.

I thought that was my sister.

The bed first, because the bed is, I really want people to try to find one of these junk boats and take that as a vacation.

Okay.

Also, if you do ever do this.

Or anything we talk about,

you'll be tripping Instagram

that Heather runs.

Look at that bedroom already.

Send it to her.

That is cool.

That's all.

That is cool.

This is almost as good.

I mean, maybe as good as your back bunk on your bus while you make your employees sleep in the

bunk room.

I don't make them.

I let them.

They are.

Don't ever.

Hey, let's never get it fucking twisted.

I pay them a fucking hefty salary.

I fucking, you know, stop shooting

CEOs CEOs in the back and understand.

They do a lot of work.

We were at the office, and I said, What do you guys think about this CEO thing?

And they were like, Fuck yeah, kill all CEOs.

And I was like, I'm your boss.

I was like, hey, let's pump the brakes with that thought.

Free bagels today.

Do you remember the health care I give you guys?

I'm like, oh, oh, oh, thanks, Bert.

This is the bunk.

And then I want you to see how intense this hike was.

Wow, the picture of the hike.

Oh, cool.

Look at the hike.

Look at the old sockets, the different sockets.

Oh, yeah.

This was the hike.

It was a legit fucking hike through the jungle, six hours.

To get to the cave?

To get to the cave.

It was not a fucking cave.

Six hours.

Yeah.

What's that?

What's that bag?

Me?

Yeah.

What are you wearing?

Oh, buddy.

I was an adventure whore.

Because you got this.

That's what broke in my osprey.

Is that thing that connects here that really alleviates a lot of the pressure on your back?

That chest thing.

Oh, yeah, that chest thing.

And then I got a waist strap.

That's TT right there.

TT is a fucking stud.

I love that guy.

I would love to keep it.

Muchas will press us.

But

I could go to REI and stay for hours.

I had belay gloves.

I had my own ballet gloves.

What is ballet?

Who knows?

It's when you fucking repel and

you carry someone else down the rope.

You and Bobby Kelly are a lot alike.

Except he stopped boozing.

You've maintained that.

Can I argue I never think he started?

Like, I think he had, like, when you quit at 16, it's like, you never got to try to be an adult with it or like try to have wine.

A lot of these guys get a bleep ready.

A lot of these guys, they they like oh i couldn't handle anymore it's like you were a fucking

at 14.

you were a child none of us could handle it when we were yeah of course not you shouldn't have had it yeah you shouldn't have had it where's your dad but also you may this is my argument to bobby and i know that he would feel differently you also couldn't handle life you were in juvenile hall like you but you fixed a lot of things about these guys like come on man let's just shoot i think bobby could go back to drinking now i should he probably not probably not it's not worth the risk because if he was like oh it turns out i couldn't handle it like well then now i feel bad yeah but i think that he never got to have a margarita.

I had a heart-to-heart with Joe List once, your enemy, that we,

that we, let's move on.

I was drinking, and when you said that, I couldn't argue.

I love Joe List.

Everybody does.

Except you.

But we had.

No, no.

Can I tell you?

Yeah.

I understand who I am.

Yeah.

I get who I am.

Yeah.

And sometimes it's just, it's like oil and water.

It's like I with Joe List,

I work at my pace.

I'm the main character of my story.

When are are I going to do this?

No.

And then it was a game on.

Oh, yeah.

And Joe List is the main character in his story, and he works at his pace.

He likes certain foods.

And I just look at it like, I'm going to make it done for everyone so we don't have to think about it.

I'm going to pay for everything so we don't have to think about it.

Neither one of us.

I'm going to pay for the boats.

Neither one of you are wrong.

Neither one of us wrong.

Until we were back at the house, and then you were wrong.

Yeah.

I told everyone that.

Yeah.

But hold on.

Yeah.

Acknowledge that I admitted I was wrong.

Yeah.

Oh, you're right.

You're right.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

No, that was cool, man.

You're right.

You're right.

Because a lot of guys were

up.

You can fuck up.

You just got to go, yo, I fucked up.

I acknowledge.

I fucked up.

Yeah.

When I thought about throwing him over that balcony into the pool, I did.

I did.

We talked Norman out of jumping off that balcony into the pool.

And I know.

We're like,

you came out hot.

I forgot.

You came out hot.

Hey, it's all about me.

And we're like, we're trying to see if he's going to break his leg for his wedding.

And we're like, oh, all right, backseat.

Anyway, the point is, I had a heart-to-heart with Joe Less.

We had a comedian's movie once, 30 comedians.

I remember Mark Norton,

Jim Norton was there with

Carmen Lynch, and they were buying popcorn.

He goes, and some popcorn for my little brother.

Like, whatever.

But we were all talking, and I told Joe, I'm like, Joe,

you should do mushrooms.

I get you're an alcoholic, but come do mushrooms with us one day.

Like, I'd like to include you.

And he goes, bro, it's a fucking, it's so much of a risk.

My life was fucked.

And I'm like, just do mushrooms.

Here's the deal.

Once again, this is my argument is your life was fucked.

Yeah.

But you, I'm doing pretty good.

You're doing great.

Yeah.

I'm just saying, great assaults for whoever's watching.

Yeah.

Oh, don't take my advice.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

I know what you're going to say.

But my point is, your life was fucked.

Yeah.

Your life was fucked and you fixed it.

You fixed it.

You fixed it.

You fixed it.

And by the way, how much more fucked does it get?

Are you the kind of guy that if you drink, you're going to beat up your wife, then don't drink.

Are you the kind of guy that if you drink, you're going to get no fight in the street with some homeless guy because you just, like, then don't do it.

But if you're if you're just the guy that shits in someone's shoe on random nights

Those are awesome stories.

Yeah, I mean I always I always think to people It's like was it the alcohol or was it you at the time?

It's like Leanne, you know Leanne had a drinking problem.

No, really?

Oh, yeah, and she probably drunk when she got mad at me

No, she was so absolute,

but she she quit drinking for seven years and then was like I don't want to not have wine and had wine and now Leanne never drinks.

She'll have a glass of wine every now and then.

She'll have a couple drinks every now and then.

Every now and then, once a year, you'll see her get buzzed and she'll tell off an actress at a party.

But I tell you, in Vegas at Skank Fest, I had such a good time with her.

We were having a beer watching you be Bert.

But I rolled my eyes and I'm like, oh, wait, let me pretend to like not be upset because I'm with his wife.

And she's like.

in the middle of eye roll.

I'm like, oh, let's connect.

You guys connect again.

You guys connect on me.

She said to me, she connected with Joe Liz this weekend.

Oh, really?

So I said,

I hope, Joe, I hope you're listening.

And I filmed a video for you, and I almost posted it, but I know that you didn't want

to draw any attention to it.

So I almost sent it to you personally, Joe.

So we went to dinner, right?

We're going to see the Eagles at the sphere.

I got my kids, my sisters, both their boyfriend and husband.

Saquon Barkley there?

No.

Saquon Barkley.

Yeah.

Jalen Hurts?

No.

Oh.

Who was there then?

My sisters.

Who's playing?

Is this a bit?

Yeah.

So I got my in-laws.

I got my parents.

I got my daughters.

My daughters both bring a friend.

It was a big dinner, right?

But it's five o'clock reservation.

Need to be at the sphere by seven.

So I go, I go, hey, guys, I'm going to order for everybody.

And they're like, okay.

And I, so I ordered two seafood towers, two,

I hooked it up.

Appetizers, done two of each four uh five orders of bone marrow i just i just i just i hooked it up i said can we do my impression of me at this meal yeah just focus on me for a second

oh you got it yeah i said hey it's my treat i'm paying for everything but i want to make sure we get in and out i don't want any long orders i don't want to orders to be sent back

i said i'm just going to order for everyone no if anyone has a dietary issue with that like someone doesn't eat the stuff i'm about to order raise your hand or order whatever the fuck you you want, but I'm going to order for everyone.

Is everyone cool?

Boom.

Order for everyone.

Nice.

And Leanne goes, Leanne goes, that would have driven Joe List crazy.

And I went, it would.

And I go, but you got to understand is that I look at it as going, I'm on a timeline.

I speak louder than everyone.

I can get it done.

I'm also paying.

So let me just book it out.

We got three orders of prime rib wagu.

We got three orders of tomahawk ribeyes.

We got

an order of fish.

for the table.

We've got the two seafood.

I mean, and I was just like, oh, yeah, but, and I have to measure myself when I'm around other people because I just go at my pace.

Yeah.

Each of you eats three meals, I assume.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way, five orders of bone marrow, each came with three bones.

I had 15 bones out there.

Wow.

And everyone was like, that's too much.

How many people were there?

15.

That's the right amount.

Thank you.

If it's bone marrow, and there's like, oh, like if there's anything else, a bunch of sushi is like, oh, I'm leaving.

Let's go.

If it's bone marrow, I'm like, well, before I go, let me clear each of these.

Can I ask you a question, a real question?

Because I have a little bit of a buzz.

Okay.

Do you think, because I do think sometimes that, like, there's people that listen to the podcast and go,

ugh, I hate Bert because of the way he,

I don't know.

Who, communists?

Thank you.

Thank you, Ari.

Take it back to Vietnam, you commies.

Okay, so last day, we hike out of the, what's it?

We hike out of the

cave and we go to a you know what was lost in that meal with you fucking angering Joe List?

What?

Is

the waiter coming over and i was in a fucking bitter fight with a couple friends who couldn't make it to normal and and one of them was de rosa i was fucking i was like fuck honestly man you fuck you for not coming because you have to do some fucking hollywood reshoot and the waiter comes over with shots and it's joe de rosa with shots who is going to play that whole and i'm like no fucking way it gets lost in this fucking you and joe fight that was a great moment it was a great moment let's go to bed by the way the joe and my fight happened later i think it started then it was at that meal though i didn't realize it started

That's what made it worse.

I didn't realize it was starting.

And it was because Joe was planning a party privately without including him.

He had his own little secrets, and he wasn't sharing.

He wasn't sharing them.

And so if I had known that DeRosa was coming, I would have done it differently.

I would have been like, oh, of course, you lead it.

But he didn't want to tell me DeRosa was coming.

He didn't tell anybody.

Smart not to tell you.

I have a special called Secret Time because I'm bad at keeping secrets.

Right.

Yeah.

He's a really good call.com.

Yeah.

He's like,

anyway, go ahead.

I love Joe

We should do a boy's trip me you and him, bro.

Yes, ride motorcycles Yes, it's got to be something sober because I don't I don't want to drink if he's not going to drink right He's okay if you have like a beer at dinner It isn't too right, but you're not

Can I tell you what just happened with me now?

I go now I'm drinking, but you're gonna tell me I'm okay to have a beer Hold on.

I wasn't gonna drink at all.

Don't tell me I can have a beer because now I'm getting fucking lit.

You know what was great with me and Bobby Kelly and and Havana?

What?

Is that I was like, okay, so he's sober, but he's safe in a sobriety.

He's not like teetering.

So with those people, I'm like, I don't.

If you just got sober, I'm like, no, no, guys, don't if I can't drink around you, I won't be around you.

Right.

But he's safe.

And I'm like, oh, I'm going to get lit up and you're going to walk me home, Bobby.

He's like, okay.

I'm like, yeah, you're my protector now.

Let's go.

Yeah, let's do a boys jump.

I'm down.

Fitzsimmons is going to start drinking again.

Interesting.

he's like you know it's been long enough i should get i should have a party i should go i should go back for a night he smoked weed he stayed in my apartment once because i would have people stay there theo lost the keys in a fucking coke haze um

oh there it is overnight train in vietnam wow that's the episode burkett december 22nd 2014.

i'm an og podcaster baby fucking suck a dick smartless wow and anyway he was like i do smoke weed sometimes but like greg here's the keys and then i text him like oh i forgot to tell you, look in the bottom right drawer.

Whatever you get in there, you can take.

And he was just walking the streets, getting high every day.

Weed's so fucking awesome.

Yeah, weed's great.

So we hike out of the cave, six hours back out, and we stop at a farm stay.

And I sent a picture of the farm stay to you, Ari.

I'm going to send it to these guys.

It's absolutely fucking beautiful.

Oh, the one before.

I sent it to you.

Earlier, just now.

Yes.

So I sent you four pictures.

I'm sending that all to them.

Yes.

Oh, that's the motor's like, oh, oh, that on that place is the farm stay?

That's a farm stay.

So basically, it's kind of like,

I'm going to reference it.

It's like a castle.

It's like a house, but it's gated.

There's like a big gate to open it up.

And once you get in, there's like a restaurant.

There's rooms everywhere.

It really is like a commune.

you know, like a legit commune.

Big fire pit.

Absolutely great.

And we get there.

Now, one thing was never, it was a big no-no on Travel Channel was drugs.

Never do drugs.

Never take drugs with us.

But you did drugs.

Yeah, of course I did.

And so.

But wait, so you can drink.

They say you can drink.

Yes.

Let me ask you, wait, timeline here.

Is this before or after Bourdain was doing this kind of stuff?

It was during.

Bourdain's still alive.

He's still on Travel Channel, I think.

Oh, he was on Travel Drive.

Then he moved to CNN.

Then he moved to CNN.

And it was kind of the same show, just different channel.

It was the exact same show, different channel.

It was like, like, I think he tried one called The Layover.

Maybe that was his one, but it was where he goes, he goes like 24 hours in the city.

I think they do too, but it's a gimmick.

Yeah, it's a gimmick, and it wasn't him.

Did you documentary on him?

No.

Oh, yeah.

Vietnam was the one that set him off.

Really?

So it was, it was, so he's a chef.

Yeah.

From what I, I mean, there's, I never got into the show.

I watch him now when I'm about to go to a place because it really does give a good breakdown of a place.

But he's a chef.

He wrote a book about being like a low-level chef, you know,

but a real sous chef and like all doing all that stuff, like, you know, the Coke and the fucking dealing with it.

And it's like, oh, you're the chef guy.

He was on Letterman.

They're like, chef, come welcome.

And then he goes to Vietnam to like try the food and stuff.

They go, the first episode out of 12 was just like not good.

It was just like he's like stunted and like weird.

He's not like used to being on camera.

And then he goes, all right, so next gig is in whatever in like five days.

And he goes, all right, I'm going to wander.

I'll see you there.

And they're like, oh, you're not coming.

like no I'll just meet you there and comes back a traveler comes back from being five days in Vietnam might have been somewhere else but I think it's Vietnam it's Myanmar Myanmar I think that's later okay maybe the next one was to Myanmar maybe that go to Myanmar after that I love I'm not going to correct on how you pronounce that

but um but then was like oh this is all I care about now and I'll do a little bit about food in these places but I'm just a free traveler now dude that's right around when you're doing that, it's almost like the Zeitgeist is allowing it.

Well, Vietnam was not a place for the

weak of foot or the weak of heart.

Thailand is the first place to go in Southeast Asia.

Thailand's a little more user-friendly.

Right.

That's the entryway.

Yeah.

The king set it up for tourism.

These other places are like

Thailand's anal sex,

Vietnam's pegging.

I love it.

Sure.

Yeah.

So we go to this farm stay, and it is fucking beautiful.

I forget the the dude's name.

Let's just call him Brian.

Okay.

I know, by the way, I know this guy.

I know this guy.

Yeah.

And so I apologize if I'm telling this story.

I have friends, my Vietnamese friends, our best friends in LA, they know him personally.

Okay.

Like they know this guy.

Okay.

So.

Well, let's change the name first.

I just made it up.

Yeah, great.

I think it's Brian, maybe.

So we go in.

Now, what you can say is instead of saying, I don't remember his name, just go, I'm changing his name for anonymity.

Okay, I'm changing his name for anonymity to Tom Segura.

Okay.

So Tom Seguru.

So Tom Segura owns this farm stay.

Okay.

And

just please put not real name on there.

No, no, no, no.

Put definitely real name.

Start to put not real name and then cross it out and put definitely real name.

Yeah.

So he

we get there.

He has a I remember we walked into their

their what what theoretically

Don't worry about me.

I'm fine.

Don't worry about me.

What?

I have dinner in 20 minutes.

So like start to wrap up.

Bert has dinner 20 minutes.

I'm good.

I'm good.

So

No, no, no.

I got this.

So

I remember the first thing we did is we were the only ones in this farm stay.

We had the whole farm stay to ourselves.

So we go in and they have like almost like what seems like a little

shop to get food like in the center where I'm sure you get you buy your beers there.

So we all get beers

and

TT takes us out back and he's got a fucking joint of tie stick is what they call it.

And I was like, I haven't smoked weed in a little bit.

I wouldn't mind a little weed.

And so I smoke a little weed, drink the tall beers.

They got the tall beers.

The 20 ounces.

Recycled bottles.

So they're bruised around the sides.

So it's almost sexier, right?

Recycled bottle cold beer.

Come on, baby.

I remember saying to the guy, Tom Segura, who owned the farmstay,

I saw that he had a old Russian Ural motorcycle with a sidecar on it.

If you Google Burkhraiser Vietnam sidecar motorcycle you'll see it and i was and then i saw he had an old russian ural like an old these russian urals were like the hottest bikes so i said to him

hey man can i take one of your that's not

it is that the russian you maybe that's it maybe that's it i don't know yeah there's a russian writing on it yeah it does i think that says ural

So, um, so I saw it, I saw you had a motorcycle and I said, hey man, now I took motorcycle lessons because in this season we went to Sturgis and I had to learn how to ride a motorcycle because we were going to skydive in Montana and then ride motorcycles from Montana to Sturgis.

I'm jealous of this because I've only been able to ride mopeds and I don't know how to change gears.

It's so bad.

It's fucking awesome.

One thing, the first thing they tell you in

Russian, no,

the first thing they tell you in motorcycle class, you have to take a two-day course.

The first day thing they tell you is

never drink and drive.

80%

motorcycle ass.

80% of motorcycle fatalities happen because of rider intoxication.

Ari,

you know my brain.

And then listen, everyone, please, I hope you love me on this podcast.

You know I have a fucked up brain.

All I heard in that class was, it must be magical to drive a motorcycle drunk.

If people hear that stat and then go, I'm still doing it.

80%,

80% are still doing it.

So I'm like, so what I want to know is how many drunk driving motorcycle trips results in fatalities.

if that's under five percent then we're great

you know what i mean if i ever get sober sober sober have an intervention the other way with me and get me back get you back so agreed agreed a word is bond

so

so that's a great that's a great

that's a great video of hey man we know you're doing good your life seems good but we miss you we need to talk to you yeah and it's like me de rosa

you know and it's just like yeah so i see these motorcycles i go over to tomsagura which which is his real name.

He owns a farmstay.

I'm high.

I've had like two cold beers.

And I say, hey, man, I noticed you have a motorcycle.

And he said, yeah.

And he goes, I got a couple.

I said, well, I was wondering if I could take it for a spin.

I've been certified to ride a motorcycle.

I'm licensed in the States.

If I could just take it for a quick spin.

He goes, well, I noticed you've been smoking tie stick with TT and drinking some beers.

And I said, I have.

He's like, you'll love it.

Oh,

he goes, it's so fucking fun.

He goes, get your headsets, put on some music.

Get more

distractions.

Yeah.

Put on some headsets.

I have the best headsets you're ever going to get.

They are called Ultimate Ears.

They are $1,300.

They are custom in-ear monitors.

They are shaped to your ears.

So when you put them in, you hear nothing around but the music you listen to.

That's no.

That's no.

The best.

Not for when you want to hear a train hit coming at you.

No, we're in the middle of fucking fields, Ari.

It's rice patties everywhere.

Rice patties everywhere.

He goes, go in between the two middle rice rice patties.

You'll see them.

There's a little road.

It goes like a quarter of a mile down.

There's a little loop.

Quarter of a mile back.

I just let it out.

And he goes, you can just open it up.

And I said, do you have a helmet?

And he goes, you don't want one.

And I was like, nice.

He goes, you want to feel the wind in your hair.

And I put on, you know, every time you tell a story, you know, stories change.

You try to make it better.

The real story is, I put on the doors.

Break on.

No, no, no.

Well, fuck what song it is.

I told it to Jay and Dan.

And the real song is what I played.

I think it was Break on through to the other side, or it might have been,

I forget the fucking real song, because I've told it so many different times this way.

But I put on the doors, I get on the bike, I take it up, just in between the two things, and I, and I'm a little timid at first, and there's ox just sitting in the rice patties.

Oxen.

With oxen, with birds on their horns, just staring at me.

As I'm driving a fucking motorcycle.

It's these little things that make you not.

It's like, these just set the tone they just set the mood those little moments where it's like that's not what you're gonna write home about a fucking birds on an oxhorn but like man it paints the picture it's it's now mind you we've hiked through the jungle all day and it's it's getting towards sunset so it's beautiful out it's vietnam we're in the middle of nowhere oxen in rice patties birds on their horns and i feel alive and i open this fucking motorcycle up and i'm listening to the doors uh and i'm just having a fucking moment and my phone rings.

I don't know where my phone rings.

And I answer it.

I pull over.

I answer it.

I look at it.

It's Rogan.

I'm assuming now that I'm telling you this story that he had probably talked to

to Redban when I had come in off the train and Red Band casually said burst in Vietnam, right?

So Joe just gives me a call.

He goes, hey, man, what are you doing?

I said, well,

I'm assess the situation.

I go, I'm drunk.

I'm high.

I'm on an old Russian Ural motorcycle running through rice patties in Vietnam.

And it's quiet for three seconds.

He goes, you are a bad motherfucker.

He goes, you are the fucking machine.

He goes, don't ever.

He goes, listen, fuck

travel channel.

This is your life.

If you don't tell this story on stage, you are fucking wasting your life.

You need to come home, get on stage, and talk about this on stage.

This is what you are, man.

You need to get the fuck away from that travel channel and you need to be living this life.

And he's like, I love you.

Stay safe.

I'll talk to you when you get home.

And so I'm like, fuck yeah.

Now I got the stamp of approval from Joe, my big brother, like, just like fucking your.

And I'm like, fuck you.

Both are big brothers.

Yeah.

Both are big brothers.

Yeah.

And I open this bitch up and I start fucking flying.

Now I can see the oxen are looking at me like you're a bad motherfucker for Christier.

I'm fucking hauling ass.

I hit the turn and as I turn, I do the number one mistake they tell you in motorcycle driving.

I break into the turn and the front wheel squirrels, back wheel squirrels.

I panic.

I save it.

my heart's racing and i'm like i almost died i almost died but i'm alive

but i'm alive and i make the turn around and as i'm alive i'm now racing back toward those two oxen who are on their hind legs now going come on man come on i got the shadow of me the sun setting behind me peter pan himself is like you'll never catch me this is why we live bert this is why we live i am hauling fucking ass on this russian motorcycle and my phone rings again i'm like it's got to be rogan right pull it over answer it.

It's my wife.

She goes, What's up, baby doll?

I said, Nothing.

She goes, What are you?

She goes, What are you doing?

I'm like, it works so well with Joe.

I go, baby, I'm high as fuck.

I'm drunk as fuck.

And I'm running motorcycles through rice paddies in Vietnam.

She's quiet for three seconds.

She goes, The fuck is wrong with you?

Get off that motorcycle.

You are not the machine.

You're a father of two.

You have high blood pressure, high cholesterol.

Walk that motorcycle home and you go to bed.

So I walk the motorcycle home.

You walked it home.

And I walked it home.

I get to the fucking front gate.

Tom Zagura, his real name, who owns the farmstay, opens the door.

And he's like, what happened, man?

I said, my wife called.

I go, I'm in trouble, I think.

Give me another shot.

Here's the best part of this story, right?

So

you've got a picture of the girl with that dog, right?

Yeah.

So that night, we're sitting around the fire.

Just Tom Segura, real name.

He owns the farmstay.

His wife

is just, it's us.

It's just us.

It's just us.

And, and, and so

I feel, I feel depressed.

I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me, man?

Like, I should know better.

I shouldn't be getting drunk and getting on a motorcycle in the middle of Vietnam.

If I get hurt, I'm dead out here.

I'm dead.

There's no fucking airlift.

And I get, I go to bed early.

I get in bed.

I'm high.

And I'm just kind of like feeling a little depressed, a little anxious.

And around like 11 o'clock, my door opens and it's TT

is my fixer.

He's got a joint, and he was like, hey, man,

we're all still by the fire.

I said, yeah, I know.

I think I'm going to go to bed.

I kind of fucked up today.

He goes, what happened?

I said, I don't know, man.

I'm someone's dad.

I'm out there fucking taking risks.

I go, I shouldn't.

He goes, hey, you know what would cheer you up?

I go, TT, I don't want to smoke anymore.

And he lights a joint.

And he goes, no, no, no, no.

And he comes over and he sits on my bed.

And he hands me the joint.

And then he hands me a puppy.

Pull the picture up.

Pull the picture up.

These are these puppies.

No.

He hands me this puppy.

And he goes, maybe he'll keep you company tonight.

Look at that fucking puppy.

Look at that fucking puppy.

Oh, look how happy he is.

He hands me happy being on a lap.

And this puppy, you know, dogs can read your energy.

This puppy like just curls up to me and just goes,

hey, man, it's going to be okay.

And it just nuzzles right into my jaw, right under my chest.

Join a puppy.

I take a little hit of weed and I fucking go to sleep.

And I wake up the next morning and the puppy's just pawing at me like, hey, hey, what are we doing today?

Like, just fun.

So I take the puppy back.

I give it back to Tom's Guru, real name.

He owns the farmstay.

And I get on my bus.

We're taking a bus now to go to the airport to go to Japan to swim with whale sharks.

And

I said, hey,

they go, how'd you sleep last night?

I go, pretty good.

I go,

did anyone else get a puppy in the middle of the night?

Someone goes, yeah, I I got a puppy.

Someone's like, I got a puppy.

We're like, what?

They go, it got cold at night.

So TT took all the puppies and gave them to us in our bedrooms so that they could stay warm.

And I went, really?

Do you guys sleep well?

And we're like, yeah, except for one girl.

She's in the back of the bus.

And she goes, I didn't get a puppy.

We're like, you didn't?

She goes, no, I was too busy getting fucked.

What?

And we're like, wait, what?

She was like, yeah, I got fucked last night.

And the place goes nuts.

We're like, you got sex?

She goes, yeah, I go, wait, with who?

With one of our true travelers?

She goes, no, I didn't fuck them.

I go, someone in the crew?

She goes, no.

I go, well, it couldn't have been Tom Segura, real name of the guy that owns the farmstay.

She goes, no, no, no, because his wife was there.

She goes, it was his buddy who was taking care of the fire.

I go, you mean his 15-year-old son?

She goes, he's 15.

My buddy Paul stands up and goes, turns out we all got puppies last night.

Oh, what a fucking great fucking day.

And then we went and swam with whale sharks.

God damn, dude.

that's such a fucking cool trip.

Yeah, Southeast Asia rules, fucking Vietnam.

I'm telling you, if you're 25, you're living in New York, you have a bunch of fun friends,

you go to Vietnam and you do all the shit I did, and you will have one of the most amazing trips.

And

it'll tell you what to do.

It'll thin the herd of your friends.

You're going to find out what friends are cool, which ones you want to fuck with, which ones you want to keep in your life for the rest of your life.

I'm telling you, even one step further: if you can save up 12 grand, oh my god, you can go

for

around

one year

through that region.

That's that's the truth.

If you can save up five grand, you got four or five months plus a ticket.

God damn, that's so fun.

I miss that area so much.

God damn, that's so cool.

You know, three dog night, you know where that comes from?

No, super cool night.

Three dogs around you to keep you warm.

Now you know, I just had the same reaction when I found out.

Orlando Magic.

Yeah.

Name from the Magic Kingdom.

Makes sense.

I never did that connection.

Indiana Pacers.

Indiana 500, the Pace Car.

Pace car.

Interesting.

What else do we got?

Black people?

Yeah.

Color of their skin.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, that's tracks.

Yeah.

That tracks.

What do we got?

Dude, this is the greatest podcast.

It's fun, right?

It's funny stories.

It's fun to go

stories.

Anytime I can do it, can I last an hour with my trip?

I'm like, 100% you can.

I have, I want to tell you about New Zealand.

New Zealand was,

my highlight places.

New Zealand, without a doubt, one of the only time I thought I was going to die on the show,

one of the craziest things I thought.

Why they didn't have booze?

No,

we went spelunking, like legit spelunking.

Like legit, where they're like, hold your breath for 30 seconds.

The last time we did bird cast, you're like, I found, let me just show you some stuff.

And I kept, I remember now.

I was like, I kept like, no, no, this is great.

You can't, we got to save this, bro.

I have a place for all this.

Yeah.

And I'll be better next time.

I'm going to focus more and kind of like.

No, this is also great.

Yeah.

Let me ask, this is what I ask everybody some questions.

I probably already got to them.

These guys are pretty good at like finding them.

I ask everybody for a travel tip.

It might be for a specific place.

It might be an in-general place.

I think you already got one, which is take 12 of your friends and go to Vietnam.

that's the thing 25 years old you're living in new york and you're looking to plan a spring break a plan of like you're not done with college go to vietnam have it be fun bring some it's two two three weeks two three weeks two three weeks and by the way it'll cost you nothing it'll cost you nothing you're gonna eat amazing clean food you're gonna drink great cold beers and don't ever underestimate how beautiful a recycled bottle is it's got stories

Where else?

So this is one that maybe, because you've been a lot of places.

There's a few few people that I want to this podcast that were like, oh no, I have to have you on, but I have to have you on a bunch of times.

Yeah, I would love to.

So, like, you're one for sure.

There's a few people that are like, I need you to come back a lot.

Like, you're like one of the guys who has stuff.

Um,

where do you want to go that you've never been?

India.

Whoa, India, without a deck.

India.

It's always been India.

It's on your mind.

Yeah, India, India, India.

And I want to go by myself.

I want to create, um, what do they call it?

Uh, what do they call it when you do stuff by yourself because it creates something inside you?

It's like internal wealth or like something like that.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Leanne knows the word.

I don't know.

What is it?

I don't know.

Let me call Leanne.

Where did Leanne go?

Did she go to Vietnam?

Yeah, she went to Vietnam twice.

I remember that, right?

She had a fucking she, she

had fucking changed her.

And she has the funniest fucking stories about Vietnam.

Maybe I'll have Leanne on to talk about Vietnam.

Hey, baby, where are you?

I'm in the car.

I had dinner confused.

I thought it was at 7:30.

I was at 5:30.

Yeah.

It's at 5.30?

Yep.

I'm on my way to meet him there.

So you're supposed to get in the car and meet him there, too.

Okay, I'm coming.

Hey, what's the thing where you do stuff and you don't do it for anyone to see it, but you do it so it makes you better?

Intrinsic.

Intrinsic.

Value.

Intrinsic value.

Okay.

All right, we're wrapping up the podcast.

I'm heading over.

Does someone know where I'm going?

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I just had the time wrong.

I really apologize.

That's okay.

That's okay.

All right,

let them know I'm sorry, and I'm on my way.

I did.

Okay.

All right, Love you.

Intrinsic value.

I like how you didn't tell her that you actually knew the time the whole time and you said, don't worry, I'll be late.

And now you let her take the blame of like, yeah, you did tell me the wrong time, but don't worry about it, babe.

I love you.

We've all made mistakes.

We've all fucked up, Leanne.

That was great.

That was great.

You let her eat that fucking wrong.

Can I tell you what I do?

I don't watch porn anymore.

Yeah.

I put Leanne through AI and I just jerk off to that.

To her doing crazy shit?

No, no, no, no.

Just putting her in cat suits and like fucking Wonder Woman costumes.

It is so so fucking sexy.

If you're looking for a way to just spice up your relationship,

get AI Leanne.

AI Leanne is fucking hot.

I post them sometimes, and people are like, What the fuck?

And I'm like, and then I take them down.

They're like, oh, I screen saved it.

Congrats.

What are the questions?

Where you want to go and then travel tips.

That's it.

So I want you to come back a bunch of times.

Oh, yeah, please.

Obviously, you're the guy for this.

You are a traveler.

There's a few travelers.

Russell,

you, in comedy.

Yeah.

Gaffigan,

underrated.

Yeah.

Sells tickets everywhere.

Did before he was even famous.

I'm trying to think who else.

Yoshi goes places.

I'm trying to think who else.

Jeffreys would seem a traveler to me.

Yeah, maybe Jim.

But you're one.

It's like you've been places, and you've actually gotten your hands dirty.

I've seen some wild, cool shit.

And what's interesting to me is, and this is only a conversation me and you have I've ever had really with you.

You've had it a lot.

Is

I never shared any of it.

I never talked about it.

I never told anyone about it.

Cause I was always like, I feel like it will disassociate you with who I regularly am.

And now I find that manipulative.

Well, there's a travel version of yourself that's different than your regular self.

And that's a different self.

You see couples traveling.

You're like, great.

They come home, they break up.

And you're like, wow, it's like, that's not who you, that's, that is who you were, but not who you are.

Yeah.

Dude, Brazil, crazy.

Fucking.

New Zealand is one of my favorite places.

Switzerland.

We'll do New Zealand, yeah.

Switzerland is, dude, I I just did a New Zealand, a Switzerland podcast last week.

That was the reason I started traveling.

You know, Morrissey, Paul Morrissey?

I don't know if you know him.

Morrissey, the guy that's big with Mexicans?

Not that different, less emotional.

We went to Switzerland for a festival and we made a deal because we're like, it's so cool that comedy's bringing us out here because we weren't doing anything.

We were like, and then we went to Amsterdam right after.

As long as we're out here, let's have him fly us home from Amsterdam.

Yeah.

And we're like, bro, let's make a deal.

Let's go to two new countries every year.

It's fucking great.

Not together, but and then we've done it.

Paul Morrissey's so fucking funny.

He's great.

But it's like he's just so he's so underrated.

Like people forget he's one of the best fucking joke writers out there.

Yeah.

And he's a Letterman kind of like joke great comic.

But it's like,

anyway, whatever.

Switzerland was ruled.

All right, I'm going to go to dinner with Lee.

Yeah.

I love you.

When do you go?

When do you leave?

I leave

tomorrow morning.

I go to L.A.

for press for my special and then...

then holidays and whatever.

But also, I want you to come in one time and interview me about a place for this podcast.

Okay.

yeah okay

i would love to yeah tell my story sometimes but yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then let's figure out what to do with open tabs let's figure out what to do with open tabs i think we can do it i think so it could be a side thing yeah save up a few yeah it'll be fun it'll be fun yeah i'm in

it's a cool idea i'm like how fun would it be

for me and you to bring in a comic we'll bring we'll start with gillis and i would love to see what his tabs are and go hey man search history listen here's the deal we're not gonna fucking we're not gonna fuck you we're not gonna going to fuck you.

Yeah.

But we want to see what your open tabs are.

Because I bet they're wildly.

There's a lot of like

how the south was correct.

You know,

10 ways.

Yeah.

It's too vulnerable.

For some people, it might be too vulnerable.

Mark Norman's like, Mark Norman's net wealth.

How do you know if you're autistic?

Yeah.

A lot of that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, buddy.

I love you guys.

Check out Birdcast all the time.

And Two Bears, One Cave.

And I put in bumpers before, so it'll all be there.

but yeah brody I love you

this is great thank you for doing it

check out my special also that's available right now on Netflix.com well everybody that's the episode I hope you liked it today's episode was produced by the YMH network your mom's house network it's not your mom it's not my mom it's your mom's house it was edited by Alan Kalf Caffey

expertly As always, I have Frostbite, everybody.

And I hope you liked it.

I've been trying to get Bert on for quite some time now.

Quite some time now.

And I think he'll be on many times.

He's one of the best traveler comedians around.

He has a history.

Forget the fact that he has a travel show.

Had a travel show in the travel channel.

Forget about that.

He's just done it right.

He's been places.

He's really done it right.

It is a joy to have him on.

We'll have him back.

If you guys like the episode, can you do me a favor?

Can you reach out to Bert on Instagram, on Twitter, and just let him know

if you liked the episode?

It was good.

It was very interesting.

A good way to do Vietnam on this podcast.

I know he takes a lot of abuse.

He's too fat.

He fake laugh.

Butts in on conversations.

He didn't do any of that here except the fat.

He's a good guy and he's a great comic.

He's a new special coming out March 18th called Lucky, which was based on his thoughts about still being alive as an obese man in his 50s.

Lucky.

For myself, I have a special on Netflix Netflix right now.

Guys, have you watched it yet?

Can you all go watch it?

And please, I'm fully telling you, tell like a million people.

Go on, get off Twitter.

But if you're on Twitter, get on there.

Tell everybody if you liked it.

Get on Instagram.

Make a post.

Take one of my things, post on Instagram, a picture or a little video.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Take a little video section of any, just like screen record it with your phone and post it.

This is my favorite joke from Ari Shafir's new special, America's Sweetheart.

I am very proud of it.

It's funny.

It's funny.

I had to tell Netflix what I was intending, and I was like, what's the deal?

Like, it's just trying to get everyone to calm down, stop reading the news, enjoy your lives.

Things are good, and we have to see it that way.

And as I started telling them, I go, oh, but also, first and foremost, it's funny.

And they laughed.

Like, what do you mean?

I'm like, well, because

so much of your stuff is garbage.

This one's funny.

And then all that other stuff on top of it.

America's weed.

I'm proud.

I've also got a couple of new Patreons coming.

Brendan Sagalow is joining the Patreon, patreon.com/slash you be trippin' pod or you be trippin' you be trippin'

please subscribe wherever you're listening or watching this episode subscribe to this podcast god dream it's cold you ever do this where you have to turn your back to the wind this is a very new york thing no one fully understands the turning your back to the wind god it hurts it just sucks

um

I'm just remembering this.

It's a video I saw.

Anyway, I can't tell you about it.

I hope you liked it.

Guys, please get one of these shirts.

Stay positive shirt, which you'll get once you've seen the special, or a Feidelberg shirt, which you'll also see once you get to the closer.

I will tell you that closer is, you want to get to it.

You want to get all the way to the end because the closers, I know there's this like thing now in specials to be like, put your closer first.

Nah,

it's too harsh.

It's way too harsh.

So I had to put my special, my clothes are last, like it should be.

You should have seen the one Hasidic Jewish guy in the audience losing his mind.

Like, he was laughing the whole way, but when I got to that, he was like, oh, my God, I've never heard anything like this before in my life.

Directed by Eric Abrams, produced by Matthew Schuler, and DP'd by Jordan Levy.

Guys, if you're looking to do a special yourselves, that's the team you should get.

That's the team you should get.

James Cronzer, who did the set design, helped me find Design Foundry.

He does all of Kill Tony's live stuff.

The guy rules also.

Everybody who worked on it, ruled Design Foundry.

Pink Louds of the song.

Everybody, guys.

I couldn't have done it without, I don't know, you guys.

I hope you enjoyed it.

And

that's it.

Next week on this podcast.

You know what I wanted to get?

I wanted to have a run of shows on this podcast where people look at someone as divisive, as like, meh, but I'm going to show you that there's joy in it.

This was week one with Burt Kreiser.

As I said, I know he takes a lot of abuse.

That guy fucking rules.

He's a great friend.

He had to switch me in his phone to agent for a period of about four years so he could talk to me.

A lot of guys would have cut me off.

No, he just switched me to another Jews, a Jew position, agent, and

kept me as a friend.

So next week, Tucker Carlson will be on the episode.

Talking about the UAE United Arab Emirates.

I know he's also also a divisive character, but I don't see it.

I see Bird as a fucking great man.

And I see Tucker Carlson is a great friendly dude.

I don't know, guys.

I met him.

He rules.

All the shit you've heard, none of that's real.

None of that's real.

Everybody's cool.

He's a good Christian.

He made me breakfast.

Nobody makes me breakfast before podcasts.

Ow.

We talked about gospel music.

The guy ruled.

And we talked about travel.

And he's a great traveler.

And I'm lucky to have him on here talking about travel.

He's been to some wild places.

And then maybe I'll do one with Michael Malice about North Korea.

I don't know.

I got to see who the one after that is in terms of like

divisive characters that I think are positive.

I'm going to get off into the sunset now because

I feel like this episode's about over.

I don't know if that caught this whole thing, this whole walk up or if the wind moved it.

But guys, thank you very much for watching.

Oh, get one of the shirts, as I said.

And that's it.

Where else do you want to go in the world?

And who else do do you want to see on this podcast?

Please leave it in the comments.

On YouTube, we got to 100,000 subscribers the first year, and now we start the hunt for 200,000 for this year.

Where do I want to go?

I think we got to do one with me, right?

All right, guys, the episode's over.

Bert, thank you very much for joining.

America Sweetheart, everybody.

I did it.

I put out another special.

It's the only thing I care about in the fucking world is putting out specials, stand-up comedy.

I'm not big.

There's a reason because I don't give a fuck what i do care about is what you're seeing in america sweetheart great fun stand-up comedy where everyone's having a good time nothing's better enjoy it see you guys i'm walking literally walking off into this sunset oh i should turn one and get the sunset ari sometimes you're a genius

i know i could do these from a studio but isn't it more boring that way Where is it?

Fuck, it's too cold.

Okay, I'm not.

Guys, this was a mistake for sure.

Hey, i i'll tell you a story about vietnam for me i went to a small town in vietnam chodok

and uh

and uh took this hike up a mountain we can see into cambodia

guy dropped me off he said he was gonna pick me up in two hours after i got this hike when he found me i had a big fucking stick i had a i had a it was way bigger than this But I had this big stick and I was walking like this.

He came up to get me.

I was going to walk down to meet him, but he came up to get me.

And he goes, what are you doing with that stick?

And I go I don't know

and uh I think I must have learned some words by then oh look at that sunset how else would I be able to communicate with him no maybe he learned some he learned some English that's what it was yeah that's pretty I'm into beauty America sweetheart you get what america sweetheart is right one because I'm the only guy really who's trying to see things for like the good that it is

That's what I say or one of them anyway.

There's a lot

and two because I'm known as a divisive character.

Anyway, so I'm walking with this stick.

And he's like, what's with the stick?

And I go, I don't know.

And he goes,

he goes, was it the dogs?

Are you afraid of the dogs?

And I'm like, yeah, dude.

There's fucking wild dogs out here.

And they're everywhere.

And they snarl at me.

And I don't know how safe they are.

I don't know how safe they are.

All over Southeast Asia, they go these wild dogs.

And people are like, oh, they're cool.

They're like, what if they're not cool?

Like, then they stomp them to death and get rid of the uncool ones.

And they're bread.

Ooh, that's, how's that?

Anyway, Vietnam rules.

And one thing I always wanted to do that I never did with Paul Morrissey from last week is buy a motorcycle in the south or the north and drive it the other way.

To the south or the north.

Drive it straight the other way.

You could do it 20, 30 days.

Turner Sparks does it.

He's got to come back on this podcast or come on.

And drive to the other side, to the other area of it.

Like, let's say you start in Ho Chi Minh, drive up to Saigon.

No, no, wait, that is Saigon.

Ho Chi Minh is Saigon.

What's the one in the north?

Shanghai?

I don't know.

The other one.

Buck.

Come on, weed.

And then you sell it for about $50 less than you bought it for.

Buy it for $250, sell it for $200.

And you just go on a motorcycle.

That's a dream.

Has anyone here done that?

Leave it in the comments, I guess.

All right.

Nice.

Guys, that's the episode.

Until next week, when we go to the United Arab Emirates, I'm Ari Shafir saying goodbye in Vietnamese.

tripping,

you'll be

tripping,

yeah.