Lebanon w/ Russell Peters | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Olivia loves a challenge.

It's why she lifts heavy weights

and likes complicated recipes.

But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia.

She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.

Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You were made to take the easy route.

We were made to easily package your trip.

Expedia, made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

You're good, gummy.

Yeah, what is this?

One or two.

Crazy, the packaging now.

You want one or two?

How strong are they?

We'll get one.

I don't know.

One's a mood boost.

The other one's awakened sensations.

I'll get a mood boost.

I'll get a mood boost.

I did a mood boost.

Okay.

I think I'm starting to notice it now.

You start that your mood is boosted?

I feel so boosted.

Maybe it's you, Ari.

Maybe I don't need this.

Oh, yeah, maybe we're shoshacking

friends.

Yeah.

You know.

You can't isolate it.

Michael's something.

Okay, right, you're not right way.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to UV Trippin'.

It's a travel podcast.

Every week we go to a different place.

I love going places and I love hearing about places from other people that have been there.

And

it's the only podcast that is fully endorsed by the People's Republic of North Korea.

Guest today on the fucking Mount Rushmore of Traveling Comedians, Russell Peters.

Hi, guys.

I love the fucking classic.

Nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're of, I mean, who's the top five or six?

You, Gaffigan?

But you're, you might be number one.

I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn, but I think I started it.

Yeah, maybe.

I did create that lane for people to go international.

Yeah, where they're like, there's no market here.

It was pre-internet, kind of.

It was pre-definitely like.

It was right after.

Yeah, I mean,

I started going international in the 90s.

Wow.

And then,

but that wasn't me going.

It wasn't like, oh, they're coming to see Russell Peters.

I was performing out of England and then you'd get these gigs in all these different countries and different cities and you'd just be part of a comedy night.

Yeah.

And then I started going out as me in 2005, 2006.

Wait, you lived in England?

I was there for seven years.

Yeah.

I would like go to England for like a month, and then I'd come home for Toronto to two weeks, and then I'd go back and forth.

You guys have that mothership shit.

Well, no, my cousins lived in England, too, so I just.

You could just go whenever you wanted, right?

No, you started to get a visa back then.

A work visa.

Thank you.

Did you spit in it?

No, no.

Fuck.

I wanted that one then.

Enjoy your hot two coffee.

If you refuse to spit right in my mouth, then I will take in my coffee and drink it.

They loot it a little, but it's fine.

It ought to space it out a little.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like putting spliffs.

It makes the weed last longer.

Yeah, that's right.

But where are we going today?

I don't know.

We can go anywhere, really.

Yeah.

You're going to do this podcast more than once.

Not today.

Yeah.

So

it's not.

It's like you can actually call it and we'll just go from there.

How about that?

I like Beirut.

I like Lebanon.

I love it.

I love getting else going.

I love Beirut.

It was a, well, until you guys fucked it up, but it was a beautiful place.

It was the center of academia, right?

It was everything, dude.

It was,

it was, they used to call it the, the, the France of Europe, of the Middle East, like the Paris of the Middle East.

Yeah.

And everybody used to go there.

It was like, you can go look at old videos and clips of Lebanon before it started getting attacked by you guys again.

And well, first it was before the Ayatollah took over, right?

And all that stuff.

No, that was, was there Ayatollah in Lebanon?

Ayatollah was in Iran.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whatever the...

You're talking about Hezbollah, I think.

Maybe, or what it was like, it went south.

It definitely went in a different direction.

Yeah.

But the country stayed the same for the most part.

I mean, there were parts that you would avoid after a certain area.

But I remember when I went the few times,

I always had a like, I don't want to say a blast because that's probably the wrong term right nowadays, but I always had a fantastic.

Plus, if you get a text or a page, just go ahead and get it out there.

We were talking about that earlier.

I saw a meme that said, it was a bunch of Arab guys.

And I says, so we make the pennies explosive?

Why are you laughing in there?

It's not even funny.

What brought you there?

Just shows.

I mean,

I just went to do shows.

I'd never thought about going to Lebanon before.

I think I've played there three times now.

Okay.

And I haven't played in many years because, you know, subsequent issues.

Not with me, obviously.

Yeah.

You know, with what was happening in the region.

Was it safe there when you went?

It was always safe there.

For me, at least.

I mean, you know, I look local.

Yeah, dude, you could be a lot of things.

I could be a lot of things.

I blend in wherever I go.

Wow, a turban on you and you're just fucking there.

Oh, yeah, right there.

They don't have those guys there.

I mean, they do.

They're hiding out somewhere.

But

like, literally, the most, the beautiful, most fine women you've ever seen, fine-ass women over there.

And that's the thing is that everybody, I think a lot of women there get, I've heard this, I don't know if it's factual or not.

This is just what I've heard: was that

the government will pay for you to get your nose job and your boob job and stuff.

Really?

Yeah.

What?

So a lot of women are like, per look like how they have perfect features, and it's government-sponsored.

I guess they want to keep it pretty over there.

This is what I heard.

I don't know if it's true or not.

I'm sure your research guys can check that out, but the running joke in the Middle East was like that all the women with the nose jobs

were sponsored by the government.

Plastic surgers make a bundle despite Lebanon's.

Wow.

As much or more than before the economic crisis.

Interesting.

So you go there and just like, what are you expecting when you go?

I don't know what I'm expecting.

You know what I mean?

I knew a lot of Lebanese kids growing up in Canada.

They have a lot of them because they spoke Arabic and they spoke French.

So they could go to Montreal.

They would go to...

They'd go to Ottawa.

They go to the more French-speaking parts of Canada.

Yeah.

But they always open up these great food restaurants.

Wait, Lebanon's French-speaking?

There's a French element to it, yeah.

Oh, yeah, because they had a colony for a while there.

Yeah, and they're kind of on the Mediterranean there, too, right?

You know, so you speak French?

I don't.

You don't?

No.

Interesting.

I'm from Toronto.

So they don't even, it's just basic in Toronto?

Yeah, just English or Jamaican.

I speak Jamaican fluently.

That's my first time.

Give me some Jamaican.

You'd have to be Jamaican for me to talk to you.

I could call one of my friends and you'd be like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

My friend used to turn on his accent whenever I was talking about it.

Oh, that's what I do when I talk to my Jamaican.

They're like, yo, I'm like, yo, shuea, demon.

And they're like,

and then people are like, what did you say?

I said, just like, where are you?

That's all I said.

Where are you?

Wow.

Did I went to Trinidad for my 50th?

Oh, Trinidad's great too.

I've performed in Trinidad many times.

You know, it's funny about performing in Trinidad.

You would do these soccer stadiums out there.

And this is, again, this is before I'm me.

Wow.

I'm just a guy on the show.

I'm doing 10 minutes.

But you're doing, there's like 60,000 people at these shows.

And the one rule is you can't swear.

They'll take you off and throw you in jail for swearing.

But the funny, the ironic part is the Trinidadians curse all the time.

All the time.

Yeah, like even when they insult you, yeah, yeah, fucking prick you.

Where you been, man?

I'm like, oh, what are you talking about?

Like, I remember doing a show, and then

I come off the stage in Trinidad, and this guy goes, this guy's selling soup.

Okay.

It's selling soup, and it's fucking 90 degrees outside.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Peters, you always been an asshole.

I'm like, what?

Yours has been an asshole?

I'm like, I'm thinking, the fuck, he's trying to start one with me.

They're like, yeah, man, you have some soup, man.

I'm like, all right, I have some soup.

I'll have some soup.

I like how they spell their words in their accent.

Yeah.

Like, for is F-U-H.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

We're going for.

Oh, yeah.

And they just, the actual, like, the written out word is they'll cuss you out and not curse at the same time.

They'll curse you before they'll be like, hey, oh, yeah, fucking so-and-so.

My fucking so-and-so.

They take a lot of the old school stuff.

He's a real so-and-so, that guy, you know?

But then they take it all and bring it back.

They call criminals bandits.

That's nice.

The fucking bandits came in the nighttime.

And they call homeless people vagrants.

Oh, yeah, they have this like upscaley way of talking about things.

All the fucking vagrants around Tony Bandits come in your house any nighttime.

That's really good.

When I go to the islands, I just play local.

That's all I do.

I pretend I'm local so they don't get bothered.

How'd you get that from the community?

Growing up in Toronto, it's all Caribbean people.

It's all immigrants, right?

Yeah.

Toronto rules.

You kill it out there.

I love it there.

Yeah.

The scenes always.

Even when they tried to cancel you, I still had to be like, oh, it's my guy.

Ari's my guy.

Dude, I did a show once in Montreal.

I ever asked you to UFC to do my storytelling show.

And it was at a small strip club, like 80 seats or whatever.

I did your storytelling.

Yeah.

It was great.

The one in L.A.

I did, though.

In L.A., too.

Did I do it in Montreal too?

Yeah, upstairs at Cleopatra.

Oh, shit.

What story did I tell that night?

I remember a line.

What line?

And as the transsexual waitress was passing by, okay, so I'm sitting on the floor.

I heard the line goes,

I pulled my cock out of her ass, and it looked like I had Oreo cookie crumbles all over my dick.

And the trans lady just goes,

and then it walks out, it's burned in there.

Oh, I know what story that was.

Yeah, sadly, I know what story that was.

That's the worst part.

But I remember going, like, yeah, you know, hopefully it'll be full.

And you're like, bro,

it's going to be full if I'm there.

Like,

yeah, yeah you're a massive name in canada i mean all over the world really but but canada is my home yeah um

what'd you eat there who'd you talk to like what'd you get into i think one of my very first if you go to my instagram my very one of my very very first posts might be from lebanon wow i went to this restaurant on the seafront and uh

The chef was a Lebanese guy from Canada, and he knew that I was there.

Oh, cool.

So he made me this lobster mac and cheese that was fucking incredible.

And he made it in the lobster show.

You got to go all the way to the beginning of that.

There's no way.

You're going to be there for years.

Okay.

Let us know when you're ready.

Yeah.

And so he made me this lobster mac and cheese, and he took the shell of the lobster and rebuilt it and put the mac and cheese in the middle.

And it was incredible.

And so I remember the food being fantastic.

They have a good culinary, like great culinary

IQ over there.

I'm going to Cuba and they were like, hey, it won't be good Cuban food because they don't have spices.

They don't?

They're like the good Cuban foods in Miami where they actually can afford

ingredients.

Did you get good Cuban food?

I'm going.

Oh, you're going?

I'm going for the election.

Oh, shit.

Who's in?

Ronnie Kelly.

No, election here, so I don't have to do it.

Oh, right.

You know, the last time we did an election show was you, me, everybody.

We did the End of the World podcast.

At the comedy store.

At the comedy store.

I came in.

I was drunk.

Smart.

I remember I went to Koi for dinner that night.

I got drunk.

And then you guys are like, come down to the store.

We're all here.

And I went.

It was you, me, Joe, Burr.

Burr, Saratiana.

It was like a last suffering.

Everybody.

It was was amazing.

There's great photos of that.

Yeah, it really was.

Okay, so what, did you eat local foods?

Local foods.

And, you know, at that time, I've been traveling around the Middle East on tour many times before that.

And, you know, I'd never gotten laid out there because

it's got to be hard.

I banged this chicken in Beirut.

She was fine as hell.

Are they just cool?

I'd be nervous to like.

That's why I didn't approach anybody trying to get you back to my hotel room.

I didn't approach her.

I don't know how it came about, but it turns out she was not from Lebanon.

She was an Arab guy.

I don't want to say what country she's from because I don't want that country to think I'm saying that they're hookers or nothing, but she wasn't a hooker.

She was just a hot chick that, you know, felt free all of a sudden.

It's so funny going to another country and you're like, and you're like, if you go to like, I was in Cambodia and they're like, Cambodians are all thin.

I was like, there's a fat one.

Somebody's like, that's Korean.

And I'm like, oh.

You should know.

They're lighter skinned and they have bigger heads.

Bigger heads.

That's the only one I could actually tell now.

Yeah, right.

It's that round Bobby Lee margarito face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Which is interchangeable, those two.

Yeah, it really did look like I got fucking smashed with a fucking butt.

Yeah, Bobby Lee, Margaret Cho

could easily be.

Bobby Cho, Margaret Lee.

They should get together.

They should do a sitcom together.

Yeah, Margaret Cho holds it together, by the way.

You see her sometimes with a mini skirt on, even at the sage.

Yeah, yeah, she's hanging on to it.

And she's actually a really cool chick, too.

That's what I like about her.

So do you eat the rest of the Arab food?

I was eating the Arab food there too.

Like what do they have?

The Lebanese food is known as the best.

If you want Middle Eastern food to tell you, you got to go to Lebanese food.

Interesting.

It's the same as the rest of the countries.

They just somehow spice it better and do it a little bit better.

Mind you, the best Lebanese food I ever had was in Kuwait.

Really?

It was in Kuwait.

And I went to a Lebanese restaurant and it was fantastic.

And I was like, how many didn't taste like this in Lebanon?

They go, I don't know.

These guys are all from Lebanon.

And then when I was in Dubai, I just had amazing Lebanese food, too.

Wow.

It was in Paris, and we were like late night, couldn't find anything.

And then there was like a bunch of West African food.

Oh, really?

Because there's a whole community there.

And they were like, oh, yeah, it's like super spicy.

And like, was it good?

It's great.

Yeah.

And you're like, I thought you guys were starving.

Well, they left.

They left and they're all looking at all the food they want.

Like, this is what we would have cooked.

Yeah.

This is how it would have gone down.

Oh, yeah, all these Kibbe Lebanese.

Yeah, yeah.

Hummus.

Kibbe is one of the only ones that Jews, only the brown Jews, have.

Well, you guys, the Israelis love hummus.

Love hummus.

Yeah, they're homosexuals.

Bo,

boo, hate pawns.

Take it to Norman's pod.

And falafels.

How was the diarrhea there?

It made me falafel.

Anyway, this next guy.

I have to go for the double.

Was it all like healthy and like fine, or was it like...

I hate parsley and they love parsley over there?

Interesting.

So I couldn't eat that taboule shit.

I fucking hate parsley.

I'm down, not down with tabouli.

No, I don't.

And onions, I don't.

It's flavorless, too.

Well, I don't want to taste like onions.

And I don't, and parsley, when I was young, when I was growing up in Toronto, I was bullied a lot.

And one of the things the white boys did when I was like maybe eight or nine was they held me down, opened my mouth, and put grass in my mouth.

Uh-oh, I thought you could put tabouli in your mouth.

No, no, no.

They put grass in my mouth, and

parsley tastes exactly like fucking grass.

So when I taste it, I get angry.

Reminds you when you were parsing.

I was at when I was a little fucking being bullied by a fucking bunch of white boys and they open mouth and put grass in it.

That sucks.

Wait, how did you meet this chick in Beirut?

I don't even remember.

It was like a

one-time thing.

But she was hot.

God.

There's nothing like getting laid somewhere.

Oh, yeah.

I've had some great times in Beirut, like nightclubs.

Oh, really?

Guys, I got to break in real quick to tell you about Russell Peters and myself.

We're both on tour, and I want to tell you about the dates.

That's what we're doing here.

We're live stand-up comedians.

Russell's on the Mount Rushmore of traveling comedians.

I'd like to say so am I.

Here's what I got so far.

Me, Russell, Jim Gaffigan.

God, my memory's bad.

Harlan could be up there.

Gaffigan.

Why am I missing somebody?

God.

Oh, Tom Rhodes.

I'm always forgetting Tom Rhodes.

Let me tell you about his dates.

My dates, by the way, I'm on the farewell tour.

Just went on sale.

Here's what we got.

Austin in December 14th, 13th, 14th, sold out.

Tahoe, December 21st, just went on sale.

Pittsburgh, the first week of January.

Then Providence, almost sold out, January 10th and 11th.

January 17th, Salt Lake City.

Last weekend of January is Brea.

And then in February, we got Nashville, San Antonio, Tampa.

Denver is a best of week.

Then in March, Schaumburg, Illinois, which is not anywhere near Chicago.

Atlanta, playing the Tabernacle on March 15th.

That's a huge show.

I am stoked on that.

I haven't been to Atlanta in over five years.

Didn't go my entire last tour, and I'm excited to bring you guys a great show.

Then Portland, Oregon, March 16th.

San Jose, Orlando, and Fort Lauderdale roundout March.

And then in April, it's all big theater.

Seattle at the Moor, April 3rd.

That's a huge one.

It's already, I think, like half sold out.

That's great.

Vancouver at the

whatever, April 4th.

The Vogue.

Nice.

I remembered it.

Calgary, April 5th.

Edmonton, April 6th.

And then finishing off the tour, going on sabbatical, no more touring for quite some time.

June 18th in Anchorage, Alaska.

What a fun place to finish my tour and start my vacay.

This podcast will keep going, by the way.

Russell Peters, like I said, it's an amazing comic and a great guy.

One of the best guys of all time in all of comedy.

He's got Kalauna, British Columbia, Prospera Place, October 30th.

In November, he's got the Rodgers Arena

in Vancouver, Victoria, the Save on Foods Memorial Center, Hard Rock Live in

Hollywood, Florida, Orlando, Florida, Hard Rock Live, Naples, Florida,

Quezada's Comedy Club in Cantina.

What's cool about Russell?

He'll do these arenas, but then he'll also go to like...

Just like clubs.

It's pretty interesting.

Coachella, California.

Wetland, California at the Hard Rock Live.

Treasure Island Resort and Casino in Welch, Minnesota.

He plays crazy places.

Canada Life Center in Winnipeg.

Moncton, New Brunswick, Casino, New Brunswick.

Bell Center in Montreal.

Jesus, that's huge.

TD Place Arena in Ottawa.

London, Ontario, the Budweiser Gardens.

I guarantee you he's not drinking one there.

Scotiabank Arena in Toronto.

And then Wise Guys is in January.

See, he's playing the same clubs I am in Salt Lake City.

It's crazy.

Addison Improv in January.

It's cool.

The Wilbur in Boston, Chevalier Theater in pretty much Boston.

Tysons, Virginia, Punchline.

It's crazy.

Houston Improv.

Maui Arts and Cultural Center in Honolulu, Los Angeles.

He's playing the Peacock Theater.

Back to Honolulu,

Nevada.

Auckland, New Zealand, Sydney, Australia at the Kudos Bank Arena,

Brisbane at the Convention Center, Melbourne at the John Kane Arena.

You know who John Kane was?

He was a premier from Victoria.

Did eight years, I think, between

1982 and 1990.

I looked it up.

And Perth at the Rack Arena, and then he's in the win Las Vegas

way later.

But get all tickets at russellpeters.com.

Now let's get

back to the episode.

Their nightclubs were the fucking best.

Like, and it's not music I like by any means.

Is it like electronic or is it like Arabic?

Yeah, no, it's electronic kind of.

It's like Vegas type shit.

But, you know, in Vegas, you're like, eh, I get it.

You know, but, and over there, I get to this one club.

It was called White, and it was tiered.

The whole thing was tiered.

And

every tier had a VIP booth on it, like a bunch of VIP booths.

There's the only way you can get it.

You got to get a VIP booth.

So

in this VIP booth, I'm like, this is really cool.

And like, and like the music is is shit.

Yeah.

But, um, that's it.

Yeah, that might be it.

Yeah.

Oh, I see all the boots on the side.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

Wow.

And the music was what, same as yeah, the EDM horse shit.

And, but then you got to be on drugs.

If you're on drugs, you're like, oh, I get it now.

Yeah, but, but because everybody's having such a good time, I didn't, it didn't bother me because I was like, how they must, this must be fun because I'm having a good time and I hate this music.

Yeah.

And then I notice,

I look out the window and I see fireworks going up and I go, well, that's dumb.

You can't see the fucking fireworks because they're shooting it out there.

And then I, and I go, and you got to, and I look up, and the fucking roof had opened so you could see the fireworks.

It was like a domed club.

Wow.

And the dome would close after the fireworks ended.

Wow.

It was really cool.

Was it restricted with women and men?

Not at all.

So it was really cool.

No, that place was the most, it was very liberal there.

No, there was none of that weird shit happening.

Wow.

And

I remember I had a few.

One time I went to this pub in Lebanon, Beirut.

Booze is all fine.

Oh, it's all good.

All good.

You're getting bottle service at that club and everything.

Went to this one pub the next, like, maybe the next night, I think.

And

you know how I am.

I'm a nice guy, I think.

Yeah.

But I know how to fight.

I boxed for nine years.

I've been new to Jit.

I know how to fight.

And I like to fight.

It's not like I'm.

I'm trying to avoid it.

I try to avoid it because I'm like, I'll get down if you want to get down, but it's not my first choice, but I'm not going to shy away.

So we go to this pub the next night.

We're hanging out.

Me and my whole crew having a great time this has got some cute girls with us we're having a wonderful time some dude walks up to me he's like

holy shit russell peters what are you doing here i go how you doing and he goes what are you doing here i go well i'm hanging out he goes i would have thought a cocky motherfucker like you would be somewhere else and i go negging what did you say and as soon as he said it went bop right in his stomach you hit him right away right away wow i'm like don't talk to me slick like you like i'm hit him right away you didn't let it escalate no because i'm like why are you talking to me like you think you could do something to me?

I could, my brain on him goes, hit him, bop.

I'm like, bop, right in his stomach.

He goes, uh.

Stomach is a good one, too.

And he goes,

I hurt.

I go, it's supposed to.

I know it hurt as a punch.

And he goes, why did you do it?

I go, don't call me a cocky motherfucker.

You don't know me, motherfucker.

Especially the way you said it.

Don't come up to me like that.

Wow.

Be cool.

Don't be an asshole.

Oh, bro.

In Lebanon.

Yeah.

You're not worried about

anything?

Nothing.

Like, who the fuck are you going to do, pal?

You go around like in a different.

i heard a story of um of um what's his name i get no respect rodeo

i feel like that and he was and he was he was at a restaurant or something in in la

30 years ago and he was smoking a joint shouldn't smoke anything inside it definitely wasn't legal to smoke a joint and two cops came over like rodney how you doing i was like hey guys how you doing like he just like the rules didn't apply to him yeah are you able to get away with shit because of like your fame out there

no

i don't i generally don't disrespect countries i'm in because the the rules are there for a reason.

Yeah.

I'm not going to find out.

Because, you know, they're not, they're leniency.

Maybe the guy at the bar knows who I am, but the court's not going to know.

The jail guy's not going to know who I am.

So, no, I'm not playing that game.

You tell me no to something.

I'm like, I'll respect it.

It's your country, your rules.

Yeah.

Oh, great.

Punching that dude right in the stomach.

It was great.

And the stomach, too, is such a strong one because it's like, it's going to double you over.

Yeah.

And you're not going to be.

I either go for the solar plexus or the liver.

That's usually my go-to.

Oh.

If you're going to bother me, I'm like, boom, right in the liver.

Like, I know.

Whatever.

You didn't see that coming, did you, stupid?

I hate the nagging to try to like equalize themselves to you.

Like, just say hi.

Just say hi.

Be cool.

Like, hey, that's so cool.

You're hanging out with us.

Yeah.

Let's take a photo.

I'm down for all of that.

Let's grab a shot.

I'm down for all that.

But you start fucking talking slick to me.

We're going to have a problem.

You also are not like a ballbuster comic.

I am.

But not like we just met.

You know what I mean?

Like, yeah.

Oh, it's so cool.

So, so, uh,

okay cool dancing so that that's one time no it's one time

another trip we're there and uh we're in a taxi and this fucking promoter at this this this one time we went we said where we wanted to stay wanted to stay at the phoenician hotel in downtown beirut

this fucking guy puts us somewhere in the mountains in some no-name place it's almost like a bed and breakfast and we're like what is this way out of town the wi-fi was trash we're like in the mountains and i'm like this is horrible like we're in the middle of nowhere we can't do anything there's nothing like the bar is like uh some guy has a desk and he's got liquor behind it you're like what that sounds kind of awesome but yeah so me and my security guy we go out

we go let's go let's go sorry i'm yawning it's early it's okay it's mushrooms kicking in it could be the mushrooms kicking in actually yeah

and um

so we we we get in a taxi and we go around let's just go to the city and look around then we get another taxi on the way back and uh he goes

and i'm like like, I don't know, I just speak English, right?

And I'm like,

do you want to see anything?

And I go, yeah.

All I knew how to say was hooker.

I said, sharmutas.

And he goes, ah, sharmutas.

Okay.

Yola.

And then we, he takes me to this place, me and my security guy.

And we go inside, we go downstairs, and there's like, it looks like it's in the city?

No, it's outside of the city.

Okay.

Sure.

It's the mushrooms.

Yeah.

And it's okay.

It looks like it's not, it's not a cave, but it looks, it's designed to look like a cave.

Yeah.

It's a nightclub that looks like a cave, but it's just red lights inside.

And that's just me and my guy in there.

And we're like, the fuck?

And then like five or six girls come out of nowhere and you pick one.

Hot.

Yeah, they were decent.

Okay.

And I picked the one with the fat ass.

I'm like, oh, that one.

And he goes, okay.

And then

we go and she leads me to this fucking, it's like a restaurant, nightclub, but it's closed down in the night.

But they have it up.

I don't know how about.

She leads me into the kitchen of this restaurant.

Imagine eating eating their lunchtime you're like there's been a hooker here

it leads me to the kitchen and there's a dirty ass mattress on the floor and we just we fuck in the kitchen on the floor

they pull in a mattress to convert it to nighttime hookering yeah wow that was it like it was one of the mattress you see in new york those pissy mattresses one of those oh one of those but i was just young and dirty i was like let's go let's do it oh my god also even if you're like i don't want to do this i'm already there with a chick so it's like my my standards are now i'm like oh oh, am I going to bring her back to my hotel?

And then how am I going to get her out of there?

I don't know how to speak Arabic.

How much was a hooker there?

Do you remember?

Honestly, I think it must have cost me 30 bucks or something.

30, 40 bucks.

It wasn't expensive at all.

I had a coupon, too, so that probably helped.

You got a half off.

That's what I had, but I didn't honor it.

I said, somebody get me a coupon code for this.

Yeah,

what is it?

With the two at once?

What is that app where you could have multiple people go in?

Groupon.

Groupon.

Yeah, Groupon Hookers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Groupon Hookers.

Yeah, I think my, I don't know if my, I think my guy got something too, my security guy at the time.

Chlamydia?

No, he went and got a chick.

I think he got a chick.

I don't know.

Damn.

That's cool.

It was.

I mean, I would not expect Lebanon to have a security.

So Lebanon was very much alive.

And I mean, there was an under.

No matter where you go in the world, there's an under.

It's the oldest profession.

There's an underworld to everything, right?

I love the moment too where you're like, you just shift.

Whenever we're in San Diego, and it was like, Tijuana, hooker?

And it was like, it was either no right then or yeah.

And then that's.

I've never been to Tijuana.

Rules.

Yeah.

It's so disgusting.

Yeah, I've heard Hong Kong is the place, right?

You can't go to Tijuana.

No.

You're like a legit,

that's a problem for you there.

Yeah, I'd probably get kidnapped.

Yeah, I was going to say, you're a legit kidnapping target there.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

I'm just a dumb American, but like,

yeah.

Well, I know I can, I could pretend to be Mexican when I'm there.

You could easily pass that too.

Yeah.

Because when I'm like, when I'm around Hispanic people, I speak Spanish to them and they think I'm local.

Then they answer me back in full Spanish.

I'm like, fuck, slow down.

I'm like, I ran out.

I ran out of words already, guys.

Oh, shit, I got to go actually.

I unloaded my clip.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what else do you get into there in Lebanon?

How about the bathrooms?

What are they like?

Bathrooms are good in the Middle East all over because they have the bum gun.

They do.

I'm a big fan of, it's an Indian thing.

You have to clean your ass.

So they've got the bum gun.

You know, have you used the bum gun?

I've used it in a few places.

I love it.

The up and down on bum gun is either a bucket of water you just with your hands to this the spray nozzle i like the spray nozzle spray nozzle rules spray nozzle and now the ultimate tushi i was just in turkey a couple of weeks ago yeah they've got the now you know the japanese toilets that have the built-in bidet right

so i get to my hotel room in turkey and i'm like shit no bum gun show me a bum gun yeah i'm like there's no bum gun here what the fuck am i supposed to do there's the bum gun that's it yeah and you can put it wherever direction you want to get it in there you can angle it you know if it was a little messy you can get hold of the wider circumference of your butthole.

Yeah, yeah, really get it around.

But no,

I get to this hotel room in Turkey and I go, where the fuck?

There's no bum gun.

I don't want to wipe my ass like a savage.

But then I feel on the side of the toilet.

There's a little, I look and I see this little hole pointing from the seat underneath the seat.

And I go, so it's got like some sort of water function.

So I reach around.

There's like a little knob on the side of the toilet and I turn it and it just shoots the water directly into your ass.

So they got it built in.

It's not like the automatic Japanese ones.

You got to find the toilet that has the built-in.

The tushi.com has that.

But no, but this one's actually just the toilet.

It's not even like

it's not like the expensive ones.

It's just like a...

It's right on this.

I think that's a low-level tushi.

It's not those.

See, those are the good ones.

That, the one in the middle there?

Yeah, like that, sort of.

Yeah.

But not even as fancy.

It's ceramic, the whole thing.

You ever turn one of those on when you're not sitting on it and get fucking fucking

toilet water over the floor?

You know, it's like it's far more archaic than these ones.

It's that one right there.

Oh, wow.

Oh, I see it.

It's built in.

Instead of the handle.

They had it built into the bottom.

It was like you couldn't even see it.

My least favorite ones are like the French ones where it's a separate throne.

You have to get off the throne.

Oh, I got that at my house.

I've got that.

Really?

Yeah, I've got the bidet.

And then it's a whole separate thing.

Yeah, so you shit and then you walk over to the bidet and you sit down and then you shoot the water up your ass.

Won't you leak on the way over?

I mean, if if you're that messy with your shit, you got bigger problems, I think.

You know how many times I shit and then shower, then gather the shower and see blood drops all over the floor.

Oh, that's me.

You bleed a lot too, huh?

Yeah, me too.

What makes you do it?

Spicy?

Apparently, no, if I eat like

if I have like almonds or nuts or something and the next day it's like

shreds me up inside.

Sometimes it just doesn't stop bleeding.

Oh, yeah, for days.

It's like a man period.

Yeah.

And people like...

Wat up shit and put it in there?

Yeah.

No, no, I don't even do that.

I'm just like, whatever.

Just, you know,

let it finish my cycle.

It's a heavy day for me, you know?

Bro, one time I thought I was done bleeding.

I was on jury duty.

And then someone's like, I think you sat in something.

And it soaked through my underwear.

But you were just leaking.

Yeah.

No, mine's only when I go to the bathroom.

Yeah, but then it keeps going after that.

It starts there.

No, no, mine doesn't do that.

Look, I'd like to also change my answer to mine also doesn't do that.

Guys, Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was queer.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Now let's get back to the episode.

Tell me more about Lebanon.

You're looking at this shit.

Did you go to the countryside at all or you just stay in Beirut really?

No, that's the thing.

I remember when we drove in, when we were driving in from the airport to get to Beirut, there's one part of town.

It looks a little weird.

Mushrooms.

Mushrooms.

And they go, no, this is Hezbollah part of town.

I go, oh, really?

They don't get out of the car.

Okay.

We don't stop here.

And I'm like, all right, cool.

What do they think about Hezbollah and all this?

Nothing.

They're just like, just don't mess with them.

Does it feel like

just like gangs or does it feel like a game?

It feels like a gang, really.

And it's like, you know, if you stop and you're going to create a problem for yourself, but don't, you know.

They don't mess with them.

But other people said they've broken down there and it was fine.

Hezbollah actually helped them fix their car and get out, you know.

I think it's just a Hezbollah neighborhood.

It doesn't mean they're all Hezbollah around there, you know what I mean?

Right.

Also, they don't have to be a dick.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like they're 24-7s evil, you know,

I'll find you, my pretty.

And if no one's seeing me, I'll hook you up.

Yeah.

Wow, interesting.

What else are we talking about here?

Who'd you meet there?

What was the vibe there?

Do they feel cool?

They felt cool.

I mean, at the time, they were beefing with Syria

because Syria, they were complaining to me about the Syrians coming into Lebanon because they're right next door to each other.

So it's kind of like the U.S.

complaining about the Mexicans.

You know what I mean?

It's the same.

You got the same people here, but you're mad that they're still coming in.

I mean, it's the same.

They're the same fucking people.

Yeah.

What were they like?

Were they outgoing?

Outgoing, well-dressed.

Fashionable?

Fashionable.

Wow, that's so much different than the Middle East when you think of Middle East.

Well, I mean, again, the Middle East has changed.

You think about the Middle East changed in the past 10 years, how much it's changed.

Yeah.

I mean, I was in, when I went to Saudi Arabia in 2015,

it was the Saudi Arabia that everybody pictures.

And then I just went to Saudi Arabia earlier this year, and it's nothing like the Saudi Arabia I saw nine years ago.

It's like being anywhere in America now.

Really?

You know, there's a shake shacks everywhere.

There's Pizza Hut.

There's everything there now.

There's big malls.

I thought there was a Toys R Us.

I was like, what the fuck is going on?

All the women are driving.

Women are not covered up anymore.

It was amazing.

Yeah, my buddy went to Julio, Golarat.

He went to like, I think it wasn't Kabul.

Kabul's Afghanistan.

Yeah, but it was like Kabul's or somewhere in Syria.

And he was like, oh, oh, the big cities, nobody wears the hijabs.

Yeah, no, Afghanistan is very different than the rest of them, though, but that's not an Arab country either.

It's right, it's their own thing.

Yeah.

Is it Asian?

They're Asian.

Yeah.

But anyway, it's like this idea of what you think of them.

And it's like, they didn't really do that.

Yeah.

They don't do that a lot now.

Yeah.

So you've been there three times, Lebanon.

They think at least three times.

I'm fucking high now.

I just felt it.

Did you get drugs there?

I just felt it kicked it off.

There it is.

Mood.

I felt it go like this.

I'm telling you, it was the yawns.

The yawns kicks it out.

And then

I felt it go through my body, to my tongue, through my ankles.

And I was like, uh-oh.

Do mushrooms turn you into a mushroom?

And I'm like, oh, boy.

I hope I don't get sloppy on this, guys.

And I'm drinking coffee, so I'm wired and fucking

agitated.

It's your own four loco.

Yeah, yeah.

You buckfasted yourself.

So tell me more about it.

I don't know.

Like you tell me, come home from Beirut.

So Beirut.

And nightclubs, I went to nightclubs.

I used to do a, I told a story, but I'll tell you it here, too.

It was in one of my, I think, my 2008 special

about going to this nightclub.

It was used to be a bomb shelter that they turned into a nightclub.

Cool.

Literally.

So you pull up and you're like, where's the nightclub?

Because it just looks like an empty parking lot.

And like, it's right there.

And you don't hear nothing.

You're like, where?

You don't.

Because it's a bomb shelter, so it's made to stand a fucking.

Yeah, like you don't hear nothing.

You don't see anybody.

And you'll just see like these stairs going down.

You go down the stairs,

the the guy, opens the doors

closes the door,

no sound.

And then you're in there and you're like, Holy fuck, I'm in a bomb shelter.

And I'm like, it's getting hot in here, man.

Fuck, it's hot.

And I'm like, oh, it's starting to feel a cool breeze.

Where's the cool breeze coming?

And then the bomb shelter opens.

They love retractable roofs over there.

So the bomb shelter roof opened, you can see the stars.

I was like, this is amazing.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

That's it.

That's B018, it's called.

Wow.

BO18.

You love nightclubs, huh?

Did you see that?

Well, back then, then, back then, you know, not then, yeah.

Do you DJ?

No, I have done jumped on in some of these places.

Underrated skill by Russell Peters.

That's my beautiful.

That's my.

Russell BPM Peters.

That's me.

That's my love, DJ.

Yeah, that's the actual place.

That's B-018.

Is that what it's called?

They got good speakers there, too.

No, the sound systems are insane out there.

Wow.

Is it hot there?

In the winter gets cool.

It does.

Yeah, but it's hot, you know, most of the year.

Warm at least.

Yeah, like Jerusalem gets snowy and then Tel Aviv doesn't.

But they're right next to each other, just mountains and up.

Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like the valley and, you know, the other side.

Valley tripped me out when I moved to L.A.

when I started.

How hot it was?

Yeah, people at work was like, it was 104 yesterday.

I'm like, no, it wasn't.

It was 82.

Yeah.

And then you're like, and then you drive up there.

It's what?

20 degrees hotter in 30 minutes.

That happened to me the other day.

I live in Malibu.

So I go outside and it was like 70 something and it was like 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

So I'm like, I better put our sweatsuit because it's going gonna cool tonight.

So, I put on a full sweatsuit and I head out and I go to the car dealership in Thousand Oaks.

I get there, it's 95 degrees.

I'm like, What the fuck?

I'm dying right now in this sweatsuit.

Is Beirut poor?

Like, is there a lot of poverty?

There is now.

It used to be like it really was the cultural center of the Middle East at one point.

And then, but culture, and not along with also like homelessness and

no, I mean, from like from when I first saw it, yeah, in the year uh, early 2000s, uh, pre-2010s, you know.

And everybody told me how it had, this is like the lesser version of what it used to be.

And I was like, this is impressive already.

And everybody used to say how great it was.

And I know there was a point where

before they started beefing with Israel that Jews were allowed to go there.

And they used to all go there because

it was like the south of France.

I don't know when it was, but I think it was maybe the 80s is when they really like split with Israel.

yeah

that's when it was potentially left unguarded all these prisoners at the Beirut and I would hear you know here's funny because you're Jewish so you don't you hear stories skewed to you and then I hear the other side of the story that I know as an if you live in an America you're never going to hear these stories but they would tell me the stories of what the Israelis would do I was like that's fucking insane

they would drop uh

candies over uh they would fly over and drop candies over the kids schools that were poison

so the Israelis

have always been doing that dirty kind of shit over there, but it's never going to get reported over here.

But they were like, they would poison the kids.

Jesus.

The thing they told me was that, I mean,

it's that they had like, there was infighting in Lebanon between two groups.

Right.

And one group was like, we'll side with the Israelis for military support so we can beat them.

And the Israelis captured all these people, like 200, 300 of the, whatever.

And then they just said, we're leaving and let the first group come in and like slaughter them.

Yeah.

And then they always told me it it was like, well, it wasn't us.

And they're like, shut up.

You know what you're doing.

Yeah.

I mean, it was very calculated over there.

Yeah.

God,

they don't do that.

It's a horrible.

I'm just worried about the rest of the world now because this is going to escalate.

I mean, think about how World War II started.

It started the exact same way, you know.

Everyone fighting alongside.

Yeah, it was like, oh, these guys are trying to get rid of these guys.

That's fine.

It doesn't always affect us.

Oh, wait, now they're doing this.

Hold on, now it's affecting us.

And then the borrow jumps in.

Yeah.

It's like me and you pushing and then like,

let's go.

Yeah.

And then the whole fucking thing is.

It's not a good thing.

That's why we need no religion.

That's what John Lennon said.

Yep.

Yeah.

So more talent because he married Yoko.

She's a high-level artist, you know.

She gets like a really bad artist.

In the art world, everyone super respects her.

They're like, yeah, her music's not good, but her fucking paintings, what do you fell in love with her for?

So not much poverty, which is cool.

Expensive.

Do you know?

At the time, I wasn't really going out like that.

I was just, I was being taken around at that time, you know?

It's your first few times in a country.

You let the people take you around.

And when it was all new, it was all new to me, too.

You know, I just started going international like that.

And I wasn't used to having security with me.

I wasn't used to having people like pay for everything and lead me around.

And I'm like, this is amazing.

Do you like that?

Sometimes I'm like, I don't like being taken care of.

Well, now,

all right, man.

Now I've been to places so many times and I'm older and it's like, I just want to rest.

I just want to sleep.

I was here before.

I saw it.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

You know, if you want to send me a gift, I'm open to taking those.

But otherwise, I'm just kind of tired all the time.

After 50, you're just tired for no fucking reason.

And you're good.

You don't have kids.

No fucking,

you're good.

You can, you can love life.

Couple waiting for me in heaven, but the laws of the law.

That's fine.

I got some of those too.

Nice.

Heaven babies.

Nice.

Heaven babies.

I want my 400 bucks back.

Yeah, it's interesting too, where it's like

they do their version of what they think you think will be cool.

Yes.

So it's always nightclubs.

And I'm like, oh, it's not my vibe, guys.

Yeah, I think a lot of people mistake like what they,

I think people, when they identify with you, there's something that you're doing or saying that makes them go, oh, he's like me.

But they're not actually catching the essence of what you are.

So you said one thing that connected with them.

They're like, oh, yeah, it's my guy.

And like people do that with me.

And I appreciate that we've connected like this, but I'm not the way you are.

Yeah.

I'm very, I'm far more conservative than you think I am.

I get that with drugs and sometimes I'll talk about mushrooms on stage and

weed and whatever.

And then like at Festival's like, you want some ice?

I'm like, no, I don't want meth.

Absolutely not.

I thought you were cool.

Like I got a big nose and you know, you do.

Yeah.

And mine's been broken as yours has.

Yeah.

And, you know, I got some, sometimes I got runny noses for no reason and breathing issues.

And people are like, I'll be on stage and I'll be like this.

They'll go, aha.

And I'm like, no, motherfucker, get out of here.

You did blow?

No, I don't do fucking blow.

Get out of here.

You get a little itch, and you're like, it's not that.

Yeah, it's not that.

You got to defend yourself.

I got one long hair goes into the hair tickling my beak.

Dude, is there another drug that people deny doing more than cocaine?

Yeah, right.

I mean, I've never tried it even, so I can't even like

what?

I've really never tried it.

How have you been in this industry and never?

I've been in this industry 35 years.

I didn't start drinking till I was 31.

In 2001, I started drinking.

A month after 9-11.

You're a good drinker now.

Yeah, it's the funny thing is that I could drink,

but it takes a lot for me to get drunk now.

Go get some Coke, guys, before the end of this.

I definitely don't want to try it.

Especially on the

back of my knees are sweating right now.

You've never done blow?

No.

You've been offered.

No.

People know.

Oh, because they think you're going to fucking take it all.

No, probably.

They look in the nose and go, fuck that.

They're not going to enough for everybody.

That guy's a bunch of Dyson.

It's like oval.

Oh, Oh, Dyson sphere.

He's going to do all the blow in the whole country.

Never been off.

That's crazy.

No, I think people know.

They look at your gun.

He's not the guy.

He's not the guy.

Indians aren't really big cokers.

I've tried weed, smoking it, didn't do anything.

I didn't like smoking it because it coughed.

And I only got lightheaded from the coughing.

I didn't get lightheaded from the weed.

So I was like, okay, no weed.

But I'll take a gummy to go to sleep.

Okay.

I do like the gummy to go to sleep.

It's so tame now.

Everybody's mom does it.

Yeah, it's so good.

I sleep way better, except for last night but were there drugs in lebanon probably yeah i didn't see it because you care about any of them or like yeah they tell you can get whatever you want but i mean i'm like i'm good i don't need any of that stuff and i don't want to again in that part of the world you don't want to fuck around and find out that's not the prison you want to be locked up in oh yeah

singapore especially you know i remember um the gum guy well the gum i knew about the gum already but there's right on the thing it says uh import of any kind of narcotics or illegal drugs results is in death.

Penalty.

Death penalty.

And I'm like, oof.

Thank God I'm like, I'm not a drug guy.

So I'm like, I'm good.

Whatever.

Fucking do what you got to do to those other people.

I'm good.

What are those boxes?

Amnesty boxes?

Yeah, right.

Like, put your shit in here.

No questions asked to drop.

I want to go for Halloween.

Like, drop drugs in there.

Put all your drugs in here.

And guns.

And guns.

Give me the guns, too.

Yeah.

Damn.

Is there any place that you want to go there that you haven't been?

I want to go to Brazil.

I've never been to Brazil.

Never been.

You've been?

Yeah, I got a hooker there in Rio.

Oh, you liked it?

Yeah, God damn, those hookers are fucking nice.

Well, I mean, that's the thing I've heard about South America is that they got the.

I heard

in Brazil.

I heard in Brazil that it's not that they're hookers, it's just that you treat them right and you give them some money, and that's your girlfriend.

Oh, wow.

And that's, it's like.

Oh, yeah, they have full hookers, and then people are like, oh, this is awesome.

I'll fully get it.

Yeah, there's there's like hookers and then there's like non-professional ones that just kind of like, treat me right and we'll see what happens.

Brazil's poor.

So that's when I see that.

Like, I'll get you a nice dinner.

Like, I'm in, whatever you need then.

Yeah.

And I heard the women are just stunning.

God, even the fact checks are hot.

Yeah.

It's the wilds that you go to the beach and it's like

yeah, lizotypes, but like thong bikinis and confident and the confidence is like the confidence really changes things.

Yeah.

No shame and it's like and they're pretty in the face and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, I'm scared to go to Brazil because it's the two things I love the most in this world.

Pussy and jiu-jitsu and fat asses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'd come home with a black belt and HIV.

Oh, yeah, Brazil, but you should go there for sure.

There's gigs there.

Yeah, just go.

Well,

my jiu-jitsu teacher, Jean-Jacques Machado.

Oh, you know, Eddie's also.

Eddie's also.

Joe's also.

He's also my son's godfather.

Smart.

He can protect him.

Yeah.

But Sean Jack's like, he's telling me he's trying to set up a gig for me out there.

And then I said, I want to go, but if I go, I want to go train out there too, just to see what it's like to train jiu-jitsu in Brazil.

When you leave the

airport, you know, sometimes like it'll be an airport art to like come in, whatever.

It's two people in geese facing each other.

Giant.

Really?

So much part of the culture.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, yeah, you would love that part of it.

And also the fucking DJ shit.

But everybody says it's dangerous there, you know.

They told us because it was like, I was there with Rogan for UFC companion ticket.

So we just went for two days.

They were like, don't go anywhere near the favelas.

You're fucked.

You don't want to.

You're a kidnapping threat, especially for the UFC people.

They were like, go with bodyguards.

And we talked to the bodyguard slash driver.

He goes, no one's going to fuck.

You're two men.

They're just looking to beat up an old lady.

John Jones went into the favelas for a party and just partied all night with them.

Well, who's going to fuck with John Jones, really?

I guess.

He's a big dude.

He is big.

You know what's funny?

I saw John Jones in Saudi Arabia in February and at this

fight.

So I was at these MMA fights.

And I see him.

He's like, hey, hey, man.

And I'm like, oh, fuck, John Jones knows me.

And he's like, starts throwing punches at me.

He's like, you still got it?

And I'm like, I'm like, how does he know I box?

So I'm messing around.

He goes, hey, Prince, you still got it?

And I'm like, wait, what?

He's patting my belly.

He goes, you still got it, Prince.

And I'm like, he thought I was fucking Prince Nassim.

I was so mad.

I'm not fucking Prince Nassim.

You never had it.

Yeah, how did you know about my amateur career?

Nobody knows about that.

Do you have any, is there anything that we're not covering in Beirut?

Did you go to any of those squat toilets, the hole in the grounds?

No, no, they're all over the world, those squat toilets.

I wouldn't do them ever.

My fear is you can't do when you have to.

No, I can't do it.

I'll end up shitting on the back of my feet.

Yeah, that's a real risk.

Yeah.

And, you know, growing up, when I would go to my grandmother's, when we were in go to India, my grandmother lived out in the fucking jungle.

So that's all they have, right?

No, they had like a wooden,

it wasn't, there's no plumbing.

So it would have a wooden seat with a hole in it and a cup at the bottom.

You would shit in it, and then the servants would come and empty the shit and clean the cup out.

Whoa.

But I was a little kid, and then you would, because I was a little kid, I was like,

six, nine years old, and they'd wash your ass for you.

Yeah, they'd come with a bucket and wash your ass for you.

The royal penis is clean.

Yeah, basically, but I'm a kid, so I'm I'm like, I'm used to people washing my ass at that point.

You know what I mean?

At six years old, hey, wash my ass.

Wow.

Because I didn't know what else to do.

I didn't know how to handle it.

When you first got successful and you were like, there's a bunch of ass kissers.

Like, I know what this is.

Yeah, you're an ass kisser.

You're not an ass washer.

You need to step your game up.

So I tell everybody, I guess, before we go, like,

where you want to go to, that's Brazil for sure.

You go to other parts of Brazil, too, not just Rio.

Rio's the tourist part.

Yeah, you want to go to Rio.

You want to go to Lourdes or something.

There's Fort Eliza.

Fortalisa.

That's nice.

It's a big place, man.

It's massive.

I don't even know where it is.

It goes deep into the Amazon, too.

So it cuts in like so much space.

And then you hear about all those crazy Amazon stories.

I'm like, I'm not going in the fucking Amazon.

What do you mean, like animals?

Yeah, like those anacondas and shit.

Like, oh, hell no.

You know, my dad grew up in the jungle in India, so I already know what that looks like and

what it can be like.

Just tiger alert all the time?

My dad shot seven tigers growing up.

He was this whole family were hunters.

wow the last tiger shot was in 1962 when it was illegal already but he didn't do it illegally there was a tiger there was a tiger eating people in the village next to my dad's so the the the mayor of that village came to my dad because they knew my family were hunters and they said well you want we need you to get this tiger because it's killing people in our village because once a tiger eats a human that's all they're going to eat

It's like a chick, you know.

So they contracted him to come and fucking take it.

And they said, yeah, take this and we'll give you 15 bucks.

I mean, I was like, what?

What?

He goes, goes, how about you let me keep the skin and you keep the 15 bucks?

And he goes, deal.

Wow.

So I have that skin.

Really?

Yeah.

That's fucking badass.

I have that skin.

That's badass.

I have some great pictures of like, and

there's one.

I'm trying to find this one picture.

I keep asking my brother for it, but there's one.

It's a picture where my dad got a tiger, a leopard, and a python one day.

Wow.

I got one in my bedroom where it was a tiger and a cobra, but that's.

It's so much different than hunting an elk.

Oh, yeah.

Like when they could turn and come at you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, these, uh, yeah, these are wild stories.

I got one picture of a leopard.

My dad shot a leopard.

They got a bunch of different shits.

Send me that.

I got it all here.

Really?

Yeah.

I could hold it up to the screen if you'd like.

No, just send it to me.

They'll put it in afterwards.

All right, cool.

I will.

I will.

All right.

Well, before I go, this is what I asked people, too.

You got any travel tips?

You were a world-class traveler.

You're right.

You were going before anybody went.

It's not just the Mount Rushmore.

You're on top of it.

Right.

So you, what are you, like a tip of travel in general?

Here's...

Highlights an obvious one.

For traveling internationally, always have your,

don't assume that one of those converters for your electronics is the move.

Like women make this mistake all the time.

I'm going to bring my blow dry.

I'm going to bring my hair and my curling iron.

Don't fucking do it.

If it's not.

If it's not a dual voltage one, don't do it.

You're going to burn it out and you're going to be mad.

So either get a dual voltage or buy an international one.

Buy a 220 and keep your 110 at home or bring them both with you, whatever you like to do.

But you can only use certain voltage in certain countries.

That's not bad.

I just burned out a hair clipper

by going and it's running so fast, starts smoking.

And I'm like, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I got the cordless ones now.

Yeah, it's smart.

I travel those and because the chargers on those are dual, so you can charge them in the bathroom in the device.

Yeah,

it's in the device, so you're good to go there.

That's a good one.

That's number one.

Um, also, uh, understand the laws of that place.

Whatever you think is okay in America, erase it from your head.

Americans are the reason that they have these fucking rules because Americans go certain places and act like fucking dickheads, and then they think the American government's going to come bail them out, like that kid in Singapore who went and did graffiti and was like, oh, I'm American.

No, they gave him the, what was it, 10 lashes?

The caning.

The caning.

And that caning is serious business.

Do you know about that?

The caning in Singapore?

I thought that was the gum guy.

No, it's anything you do illegal over there.

Okay.

What do they do with the cane?

How do they get the cane?

So it's a bamboo cane, and they have a professional guy who knows how to hit you with it.

What's your job?

Go for the cane whip and dough.

I was asking somebody about that over there, and they said, the best you can ask for is if you know somebody who knows him.

Please go easy.

No.

Hit you in the same spot over and over.

So that way, it's only one wound to heal.

Otherwise, they just keep hitting you, and it cracks your skin open every time they do it.

And you'd end up with like fucking 10

cuts open on your ass and your brain.

And it takes forever to heal.

Every time one heals, the other one not, you know what I mean?

So he said, you want to get the person that's going to get them to hit you in the same spot over and over.

But I mean, you get a law like that, and people are like, oh, dad, I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to

say I'm not going to do anything.

It's apparently excruciating pain.

Yeah, I remember hearing about it.

It's like, just get hit with a cane.

It's like, it's not that.

It's not, it's not like it's like a bamboo, like long bamboo shape.

Bamboo, it's designed to split your skin open.

God damn.

Well, good tip.

So what do you do?

You go, you look at the laws.

You should be able to do that.

Well, find out what you know.

Find out what's illegal and don't do that.

Yeah.

Find out what's acceptable and do that.

Right.

Don't raise your voice.

Don't get uppity.

I mean, I remember one time in Singapore, I raised my voice at a guy, and I got mad, and I knocked a stool over, and I left.

And then, like, 10 people out of nowhere came to fucking beat me up.

Really?

It never happened because I was like, fucking Greg Fitzsimmons.

I know, no.

This was like a long long time.

What the fuck is going on?

This guy tried to rip me off and I'm getting in trouble.

Never fuck.

You're still a foreigner.

No matter where you go.

Doesn't matter where you're in the wrong.

Yeah.

No matter if you're in the right.

It's like

those guys you think are just sitting around the mall.

No, they're all working for these stores.

They're like undercover guys.

Ready to beat your ass.

Yeah.

Well, Russell, thanks, man.

I appreciate it.

Thanks, Ari Shafir.

You're on tour right now.

I'll put some of the old relaxed.

Relaxed tour dates?

Yeah, please.

Let's do that.

But,

yeah.

Yeah.

One of the best comics of all time.

You're fucking laying the fucking law down at some point.

How dare you?

You've had a long career.

35 years?

That's crazy.

It's not bad.

That's crazy for something that should be generally five years while you're waiting to get your real job.

Yeah, right?

Yeah, I said when I started in 89, I said I'd give myself eight years.

And if I've done nothing in eight years, I'll get out of it.

Eight years into it.

I'd done two specials already.

I'm like, okay, I'm good.

I'm in.

I said I'll get five years to be on a late-night talk show.

And then at five years, I'm like, wow, all right, I failed on that, but I'll go.

I'm going to give it a good five years.

Yeah, I'm going to keep going.

I think I got Conan in like 13 years in.

I never got Conan.

Yo!

What's up?

They rejected me.

Really?

Yeah.

Why?

Too ethnic.

I don't know what it was.

Whatever.

And then I never got Letterman either.

It's too late.

They said

he's too broad.

I go, what do you mean he's too broad?

It's Letterman.

Trying to give a New York experience.

I go, what the fuck does that mean?

It's all tourists in the audience.

I know, I know.

And people watching are all over.

The excuses were always whack.

One year for new faces, they were like, now you're just you're too old and then um and then i was like duncan got it this year we're the same age and they're like oh well you i mean just duncan's got a different voice like what they wanted to say is we don't think you're funny yeah yeah it's like they can't say that so it's like yeah make up something

uh well buddy thank you very much it was great to see you

excuse to see you i'm so glad the mushrooms kicked in while we were talking

like my nose is cold right now you know

my nose is frozen that's why i keep putting my fucking hand on my nose you ever do this when you're on mushrooms like out in the woods somebody like Like, I got to go walk.

And you walk like 11 feet.

I'm like, that's good.

You just like plop down.

Oh, shit, I was supposed to go pee before I went here.

I forgot to pee.

Yeah.

You can pee now.

Wow.

I just remembered I forgot.

I got to pee.

What the fuck is going on with me?

The mushrooms made you forget to pee.

It did.

It does everything.

Wow.

These are magic.

Can you play me out to Olivia Newton John magic?

Yeah.

And to believe we are magic.

It's about this experience.

All right, buddy.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate it.

I'm sorry.

You're the only straight guy I know who can wear a rainbow and not make it look gay.

Thanks.

I can make it look gay.

It's a challenge.

Well, that's the episode, everybody.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Russell Peters getting into fights in Lebanon.

I mean, wild, dude.

Russell lives his life, guys.

It is cool.

You see a guy like that, and I don't like to use the word inspired much, but it is inspiring it does it makes you want to go to these places i don't want to punch a guy in the stomach in lebanon that's

fucking crazy russell doing that i mean

i i don't do that in america

don't do that in canada where you were either where you're i think you're like the the king there

But definitely don't do it there.

But man, it makes me want to go there.

It makes me want to eat the food and just like, it seems safer than I know it has.

It seems cool.

Seems like I could get into a discussion with some academics, you know, just like meet someone and talk about the music scene

in Beirut.

Kind of want to go.

That's the point of this podcast.

Guys, keep leaving in the comments if you're watching on YouTube

about

podcast guests you might want.

I've reached out to Sturgil Simpson.

He said maybe.

Reach out to the lead singer of the post office.

He said maybe.

All on your recommendation.

Next week will be toba mcmullen uh formerly from the are you garbage podcast now he's doing his own thing um

he's coming on to talk about he also helped me build this studio he's coming on to talk about scotland which is one of my favorite places on the planet

today's episode is produced by your mom's house network and edited by alan caffeine um

please subscribe to the you be trippin' pod instagram uh we put up carousels of pictures if the guests have them the harlot williams ones was the best.

Let's talk about who the Mount Rushmore of traveling

comedians is.

I think it's Gaffigan, Russell, Tom Rhodes, and now I got to say Harlan Williams.

And maybe me.

There's got to be others though that I'm going to think of.

Julio Gallarati, career's not there.

But man, his stuff is fucking crazy.

He gets out there.

Iraq, Afghanistan.

He is seeing shit.

Please subscribe to the YouTube or to the Spotify or wherever you listen to this.

I'm already at 96,000, almost at 100,000 subscribers on YouTube inside my first year.

Adrian Appalucci will be coming on the podcast November 12th.

That week will be a day late.

Don't forget to come see me on tour.

My tour dates are available at arieshphere.com.

Austin is sold out.

Lake Tahoe, December 21st.

And in January, 3rd through the 5th is Pittsburgh.

Providence is almost sold out.

Salt Lake City is two-thirds sold out.

Brea, California, January 31st and February 1st.

Nashville, February.

San Antonio, February.

Tampa in February 20th through the 23rd.

Those tickets, I think one show's already sold out.

Denver, Colorado, the last weekend of February, doing greatest hit shows.

We're going to leave baby pieces of paper.

Tell me all your the best bits

from my career.

That's what we're doing.

We're having a fun time.

Then Schaumburg, Illinois, which is nowhere near Chicago.

Atlanta, the tabernacle.

First time back in Atlanta in over five years.

I'm going to blow that place out.

Portland, Oregon, San Jose, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale.

And then in April, big theater.

Seattle at the Moor.

Vancouver at the

Vancouver, remember this one?

Vancouver is the Vogue theater.

Calgary, April 5th.

Edmonton, April 6th.

Finishing it off.

June 18th in Anchorage, Alaska.

And then I start my sabbaticals.

Don't worry, this podcast will keep going because I can bank as many as I need to because these are evergreen.

I'll just tell you what what that means.

Russell Peters trip to Beirut has nothing to do with right now.

It's going to be done anytime.

I'm getting ahead.

I'm getting guys like Wanton Donan from your suggestions.

I'm getting all these people.

Julio Galloradi, obviously.

Somebody said Che Dorena.

He's coming on.

All these different people coming on because he suggested.

Also, I need somebody to help me.

put clips out.

Also, anybody got a lead on fucking Yankee tickets?

They're $1,500 a piece.

I've gone to every playoff game and I will go to every playoff game, but I'm going to have to go alone.

And I don't want to.

Does anyone have a lead on just face-value tickets?

Probably not, right?

I called in every fucking favor.

I'm nowhere in this business.

Sam Murill also came out empty.

That makes me feel better.

Sal Volcano also came up empty.

Chris D said he might bring his father.

Boo.

What's your father ever done for you?

Don't forget to watch Russell Peters and all his stuff all over Australia in March.

It's Perth, Melbourne, Brisbane,

Sydney, Auckland.

I know that's not Australia.

He's in Nevada.

He's in Honolulu.

He's in Los Angeles.

New York at the Beacon Theater, February 7th.

Houston, those are Philadelphia.

Those are all

clubs.

Chevalier Theater and the Wilbur Theater in January in Massachusetts.

He's a wise guys, just like I am.

Salt Lake City.

He does crazy.

He does the Scotiabak

Arena in Toronto.

And then he's doing wise guys.

His next gig, two weeks later.

It's crazy.

London, Ontario, Ottawa, Ontario, Montreal at the Bell Center.

Or the fucking, whatever they're called.

The Habs?

Could be.

Broncton, Winnipeg.

Guys, see him everywhere.

God damn.

Plays cool spots, man.

Off-the-hook comedy club.

I've always wanted to do that in Naples, Florida.

Victoria, British Columbia, Vancouver at the Rogers Arena.

I mean, my shows got delayed when the Canucks are in the playoffs

at the Rogers Arena.

That's where Russell's doing comedy.

Dude, I went to fucking,

I mean, it's a wrap-up, so I'll just do this.

I went to Shane's show at Wells Fargo in Philadelphia.

It was so cool.

It was so cool.

It was Shane, DeRosa, Big J, and O'Connor.

Not Not in that order.

And just to see four of my friends rocking out the most, sorry, Sebastian, the most tickets sold for any comedy show at the Wells Fargo Center.

Sorry, Sebastian.

It was crazy.

It was so cool.

They gave us a tour of the place.

I didn't masturbate.

Should have masturbated somewhere there.

I didn't.

It's a mistake.

I'll live with it.

I'll live with it.

Anybody got tickets for Yankees?

God.

If they don't, I mean, they got to win.

I'm going into Battle.

It's my last year in New York.

Don't worry.

This podcast will keep going.

Don't worry about that.

Keep sending me suggestions.

Keep making.

You won't miss a beat.

Don't worry about that.

And we do them from far-off, crazy places.

Ari Maddie, I'm going to have him in.

Next time I go to Austin, record with him.

Anybody who lives in Austin?

Anybody who lives in New York?

Any touring people?

Suggest it in the comments below.

Don't forget to subscribe.

I'm almost at 100,000 subscribers on YouTube.

I'm at like 97,000.

If I get to 100,000 inside my first year, that's a coup.

That's a win for me.

They gotta win.

They gotta fucking win.

You don't know how bad I need this.

When Juan Soto hit that home run, man, I was just, it took me a second.

I was like, yeah.

And then I realized, oh shit, we're going to the world stage.

I ran into Liz from the cellar and we just started fucking slapping each other.

Just slapping each other.

What the fuck, Juan Soto?

Aaron Judge, can I get a ticket?

Can me and Sal Volcano, if anyone from the Yankee organization is listening to this, can me and Sal Volcano come on Monday today?

Or me and Sam Morrell on Tuesday?

Or me, Sam, and Sal Volcano on Tuesday?

I can't afford, none of us can afford these tickets.

Anyone from the Yankees organization, hook us up, please.

We'll sit anywhere.

We can't afford it.

I got to sell my car.

I'm going to the games, I don't want to sell my car.

All right, guys, until next week, when we go to Scotland, go from Lebanon to Scotland.

It's hot in here.

Until next week, I assume it is Salaam Alechem.

Aleichem Salam.

Lehitra?

No, that's Hebrew.

You say goodbye in Arabic.

Do they speak French?

What What language is in Lebanon?

It's Lebanese.

Lebanon's official Arabic.

However, English and French are widely spoken.

Did you see that?

Who's that guy?

He's always kind of snarky.

Bill Maher, going off on Chappellone.

And he said, Chaperone, I know you're like, he's just an idiot.

It's like some, definitely some intern told him what she said.

All she said was like, no suffering, no occupation of any country.

Everybody in war is terrible.

He like agrees with her, but he's so snarky that he can't do it.

And he goes, they would throw you off a brick, off a roof if you were a

drag queen in Iran.

And then let's, let me just look at this

drag queens in Iran.

Persian drag show, Iranian drag show, Iraqian drag queen, Amir Vashtani's life gets a documentary.

Are there drag queens in

some transgender people dress up according to their own sexual identity, but drag queens and drag kings are different.

They dress up, donning the clothes associated with the opposite sex, without necessarily being gay or transgender.

Iranian drag queen Miss

Salam has a growing online presence.

Yes, there are drag queens on Iran,

and some are also activists and artists.

Miss Salam, Amir Vashtani, Gigilu, MK, Prince of Persia.

So, Bill Maher, just say you're sorry you never actually know anything about Chaperone.

She's actually pretty fucking interesting.

Cool, on the cutting edge.

She's not having the fucking hot tour girl on your podcast to sell ads.

You don't even like her, bro.

Who's talking you into getting fucking dumb fucks that you don't care about?

Remember when you did stand-up?

What happened to you?

What happened to you?

You're just a snarkfest now.

It's like, I like your take sometimes, but it's like you do one minute of funny and then five minutes of just like incorrect serious.

Boo.

Anyway, oh, I forgot to look up how to say goodbye in Arabic.

I got it.

What other places, by the way, should we go to?

I got to get myself back on this podcast.

I think I'm going to do Guatemala in like a few weeks

with my friend.

Who went with me to Guatemala?

Ma

Al Salama.

Ma al-Salama.

How do Muslims say goodbye?

Seven ways to say goodbye in Arabic.

Oh, this is interesting.

Let's see.

No, get out of here.

Bikatir khon, ma salame.

Ma salam.

Bil ezin.

Mansufs khon biker.

If you want to play it cool and be cool.

Casual.

Okay.

Dear Belkan.

Listen, guys.

Wada'an.

In contrast,

formal farewell.

That implies you don't expect to see them again.

No, I do expect to see you guys again.

Dear Belkon Ah,

ah ahon.

This phrase is a nice way to tell your friends take care of yourself.

You can also use it as a warning if you want to sound dramatic.

Take care of yourself.

Oh, that's not a bad one.

By permission.

Which one do I want?

This is the most popular way to say goodbye.

Masalam.

Masalam.

I think that's that, right?

That's what I said before.

Yeah, ma Assalam.

Let's hear it.

Ma salamati.

What?

Ma salamati.

Oh, Ati is to you.

Anyway, guys, now we learned something.

In addition to don't punch people at a bar in Beirut.

Although, no, we didn't learn that because they got away with it.

So keep doing that.

Ma salamati.

Until next week.

Bye.

Google!

Give me a ticket!