Scotland w/ Toby McMullen | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

How's my hair looking?

Your hair looks great.

Luscious.

You talking to the wrong guy?

That's fair.

Yeah.

I'd say it looks full and rich.

It looks

same as it ever does.

All right, let's do it.

Okay, man.

You ready?

I think so.

Yay.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to UB Trippin', the world's only travel book podcast, and so forth.

Today, on the episode, we have a good friend of mine and a man who helped me build this studio and conceive it, Toby McMullen.

What up, dude?

Welcome, Toby.

Toby

has been to a bunch of places himself, and today he's going to tell us about where we're going today.

We're going to Scotland, baby.

Going to Scotland.

One of my favorite spots in the world.

Nothing.

I'm from Scotland here.

I did have a charity shop.

That's not true.

Nope.

That's from Spain.

A bottle of Buckfest.

We'll talk about that later.

Why'd you go?

When'd you go?

Let's get into it.

What'd you do?

Okay, so my family.

Tell me about it.

My family is obsessed with the UK.

Really?

My parents love it growing up.

It was always masterpiece theater in the house.

I'd hear that.

Oh, really?

I'd hear that theme song on PBS.

I'd want to kill myself.

Chicago.

I thought you guys were all trash.

North Carolina.

Okay.

Trashier, possibly, but yeah.

Yeah.

Different way.

Let's pull lucky.

Yeah, they're anglophiles, my folks.

Okay.

So they've been obsessed.

My dad's a historian.

He taught history, traced our lineage back.

We're pure,

my family lineage is the Macmillan clan from Scotland.

Okay.

So we're the original settlers of Florida.

No, really?

One of, of Seminole County.

So I'm like a Florida man

from the original Florida men.

By the way, I love this theory that it's going to be looked at harder in the future, but like we're the original settlers of the Seminole,

another group of people area.

Very, very good point.

Yes.

We were the first guys to steal the lands.

Yeah, exactly.

We really jumped in on it.

Okay, so

they loved it.

They were obsessed with it.

And then in elementary school,

we spent a few months living in a tiny town in Scotland called Thornhill.

A few months.

A few months.

Yes.

My family's always been big, big.

Why in a small town.

Because my dad had like this romantic image of the rolling hills of Scotland, and he would write.

And

I believe that was, I could speak a long time ago.

I can't really remember.

But Thornhill sucks shit.

Never go there.

For sure.

Sure.

Avoid the fuck out of it.

Is it in the Highlands?

Where is it?

No, it's in the middle of nowhere.

I'm not even sure where it is in terms of like...

On a map?

Yeah.

All I know is that they have one convenience store and that's it.

And then a bunch of fields that smell like shit full of orange cows yeah but I remember I did love living there as a kid though or

parts of it mostly it must have been exciting it was very exciting I you know the the most exciting thing was that Scotland cuisine is so perfect for a child because they eat like children there it's it's an obese country and it's french fries with every meal yeah I mean one of their like staples is a macaroni pie it's macaroni and cheese and it's so good it's so good dude

I haven't thought about macaroni for a while.

It's so good.

I actually thought that was just one place that served them in Edinburgh on the Royal Mile, but that's a staple, you're saying that's all over the country.

Interesting.

Yeah, Thornhill looks like it sucks.

When your main picture is just a fucking parking street,

dude.

Like, that's your, what are, I mean, I get the nice hills behind, but I mean, look at how tight this is.

But we weren't even, we weren't even there.

We were in the middle of the country, just, just in the middle of nowhere, which it is beautiful.

God, yeah.

But just as a kid, there's nothing to do.

It just sucks balls.

Yeah.

I just watched a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Battle Bots.

It's so funny that when parents take you there, you're like, you do this amazing thing.

You're like, shut up, dad.

Just watch TV.

Yeah, yeah.

They took me to castles.

I couldn't give a fuck.

Wow.

I was like, where's the PlayStation?

You know?

Yeah.

It was bad.

Thornhill.

So where the fuck is this?

Okay, where is this towards Edinburgh?

Newcastle.

Oh, Edinburgh's.

Edinburgh's.

To the right, it should be.

It's like I have no idea what the.

Yeah, it's over there somewhere.

Yeah.

But then, yeah, so...

Glasgow, okay.

So that was my first exposure.

We traveled all over the country.

It was cool.

It was very eye-opening.

And when I got back from that,

I didn't appreciate it.

I was too young.

But then the second trip we took, we spent nine months in Aberdeen.

Aberdeen, I've heard of.

Which is in the north of Scotland.

Aberdeen?

Yeah, this is in the south of Scotland.

Yeah.

So if Edinburgh is Scotland's New York and Glasgow is a Chicago.

Glasgow is Chicago.

Yeah.

Aberdeen is Pittsburgh.

So now

that's great.

That's great.

What'd you do there?

So I didn't, I, it would have been my seventh grade year of middle school.

Oh, north on the coast.

Super north.

Wow.

It's an oil town.

They did

tons of tons of offshore drilling in the world.

It's past Dundee, which is a fucking stereotype joke.

You have to go drive through Dundee.

Oh, yeah.

The Aberdoonians,

their accent is even thicker and more obnoxious than in Edinburgh.

It's.

Okay.

Edinburgh's the accent of the bat.

It's Glasgow.

Glesgi.

Yeah.

You can't understand the fucking word they're saying.

It's a 45-minute ride.

You can see it there.

It's so close.

It's a government town in Edinburgh.

It's Glasgow's, like you said, Chicago.

Chicago.

Chicago.

Aberdeen.

What the fuck's there?

It's awesome.

Really?

It rules.

So

I would have been in seventh grade, but I didn't go to middle school.

Okay.

I like talked my way out of going to middle school, basically, in North Carolina.

The school system was so shit, and I kind of just was like, I'm, I'm, I'm smarter than this.

I'm not going to learn anything in this school.

I shouldn't have to go.

And my parents were like, okay.

Fair enough.

You want PBS.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I just spent all what would have been like my middle school years just sleeping until noon, playing PlayStation, then going skateboarding, right?

Ruled.

But what would have been my seventh grade year, my dad did a joint phd program i did a joint uh couple two three i bet yeah uh

between the university of north carolina and the university of aberdeen tar heels yeah wanted to go there so fucking bad yeah but this was unc charlotte oh fuck that

different moving on moving on yeah dude uh so he's a professor yes he has his thesis but got published as a book and that's what he was working on in aberdeen so wow he did,

so he found out that they had this exchange program between the University of North Carolina and the University of Aberdeen.

He was the only guy who did it.

Everyone else is like, what the fuck do I go?

Why is our sister school?

What a dumbass sister school.

Exactly.

Can we be at Barcelona, you?

God damn it.

So he was fired up about it.

So we spent nine months in Aberdeen, which was incredible.

Wow, nine months.

That's so long.

That's long enough to really get to know a place.

Yes.

And, but as a kid, it was.

It was.

How old were you?

I was 12.

I turned 13 over there.

Okay.

So I just remember like...

Drew Barmitzva was in Aberdeen.

Oh, yes.

Okay, nice.

I would love to.

By the way, every Scottish joke that I heard about cheap Scots or just Jew jokes repurposed.

Oh, yeah.

It was amazing.

They were like, they were like,

how was the Cooper Wire invented?

And I was like, how?

I was like, I know this one.

And they're like, two Scots fighting over a pence.

And I'm like, I heard it slightly different.

Yeah.

But that cheap Scottish shit is real, dude.

Yeah.

That's why they don't have table service at their comedy shows.

Why?

Because they have, it's all bar service.

They have intermissions.

No one's going to leave.

They're too cheap.

They paid five pounds to get into the show.

They're getting their five pounds worth of show out of it.

So what do you mean?

So, so like in America, if you were to do a two-act showcase-style comedy show,

hella people would leave at the intermission.

They would just be over it and bounce, right?

Yeah.

But there, they're like, I paid my five pounds.

I'm staying till it's over.

I'm getting my fucking intermissions.

I'm not leaving.

Yes.

Wow.

Okay.

What'd you do in Aberdeen?

What's there to do?

I watched a lot of bad TV, more battle bots.

Loved it.

But mostly, I

luckily,

I skated.

So I was, that's how I was able to make friends.

There's a skate scene in Scotland.

Yeah, and it's sick.

Interesting.

So I was.

I love the things that unite

that are not nationality based.

They're everywhere.

There's a skate park in Yangon and Rangoon

that I was like, oh,

Ollie's an Ollie.

It doesn't matter.

It's like math, man.

It's an international language.

Are you better than them?

Fuck no.

Oh, okay.

I was new to it.

So I was learning.

That's where I got, that's where I learned how to kickflip and stuff.

Was in Aberdeen.

Because there they do it with a fucking knife in their hands.

Yeah.

It's like Luke Skywalker training with with Yoda on his back.

You take it off and it's easy as fuck.

So that was my...

I had two ways that I made friends, and they were completely opposed to each other.

The first was skateboarding.

And then the other was I got really into Lord of the Rings figurines.

You know what Games Workshop is?

No, you fucking loser.

Yeah, I know.

No, I don't know what the fuck that is.

Okay, so it's like...

I want to punch you so bad.

You should.

It sucks shit.

It's got to be tough to go on with this.

I know, it does.

It gets so much worse, dude.

Thank God for your hair.

I know, dude.

I reformed after, I promise.

So

there's a store called Games Workshop, and that's where all these kids would go to play this game called Warhammer, which is like painted figurines.

There's like dice.

It's very similar to Dungeons and Dragons.

It's lame as fats.

Okay.

Yeah.

Knockoff D and D.

So I wasn't even playing that one.

I was doing the Lord of the Rings version of that, which is like just the even the most virgin thing you could do.

Yeah, just

13, though.

It's so cute.

Yeah, but I also remember being just so desperate to kiss a girl.

I hadn't kissed a girl yet, and I should have been in middle school in America, and instead I was like

around these fat nerds in Scotland, just so stinky, so lame.

And

I would split my time between these like two friend groups where I had these super

and then these skater dudes.

One of the, one of the, I mean, I, there's a scene in Can't Buy Me Love

where, you know, he gets, he becomes cool.

Do you know the movie?

I don't.

He, he saves up all his money from like lawnmowing.

He's a nerd.

He's in the nerd group.

There's four nerds, five nerds.

And he saves all his money, pays the hottest girl who just broke up with like the football player.

He goes, you date me for a week and I'll give you five grand.

You don't have to do anything.

You just have to be and act like my girlfriend for a week.

And I think it'll make me cool.

And it did.

You're like, who's this guy?

And then he's cool.

And then, like, he's sitting at the lunch table, and his friends are like, oh, come on over.

And he's like, no.

Like, they had to be opposite.

Why are you looking at the nerds?

He goes, no reason.

And then he would like leave him.

Oh, he turned his back on his homies.

Yeah, were you like that with the Warhammer bros and the fucking skate bros?

No.

But I do remember the thing I remember most distinctly about that because it's all so long ago.

It's all pretty fuzzy.

But I remember one of the kids in the Warhammer crew, everyone called him Dicknose.

I want to see him so bad.

He had this massive nose, horrible acne, just the biggest pimples on this thing.

And everyone,

and it wasn't like mean.

It wasn't like, oh, fucking Dicknose over there.

It was like...

That's a good accent, bro.

It was like, oh, what up, Dicknose?

Oh, really?

Like it was Bill, you know?

Whoa.

Oh,

wrap.

Hi, everybody.

Shoot, I didn't realize I was breaking it for the bumpers to tell you about my guest today, Toby McMullen.

Not only is he a comedian

who has a new 15-minute premiere special called Live from the Aladdin Theater on YouTube right now, he's also got a brand new podcast that just started called Dynamite Rocket Shop.

I'm either on there this week or the following week.

I'm also on Kill Tony this week, the greatest live podcast in history podcast.

And a comedian is always trying to make you laugh no matter what.

And if you're there there watching him, you will laugh.

But if you're off somewhere else looking for things to make you angry, well, he'll find that for you too.

But Toby also helped me build this studio, you guys.

He helped me build all this.

By the way, well, I'll just tell you.

Yeah, we came up, we sat here for months and months and became friends and thought up a bunch of ways to make it a hangout.

We had this idea for the white swallow that some middle-aged women in their 50s and 60s get where they fetishize other nations.

So I have a lot of these.

Starting from the top, we got two Lucha Libre masks from Ciudad de Méco, Diablo Uma,

Ecuador,

Andean,

Guatemala, y México Norte, Mas, Lucha Libres,

Bukis,

y Finalimente,

Tobago, the island, Islanda?

Damn, I don't know that.

For myself, I'll be doing my own tour, the farewell tour, guys.

My only tour until 2027.

All I'm doing is touring for about four months, and then I'm taking time off the road.

So no more shows.

So you want to see me on this tour.

Starts in Austin in December.

Actually, that's sold out already, December 13th and 14th.

And then Tahoe, Nevada, December 21st.

And then in January, we got Pittsburgh, Providence, Salt Lake City, and Brea.

And then in February, Nashville, San Antonio, Tampa, Denver at the Comedy Works.

It's going to be a greatest hits week.

You can write down your notes of...

stuff you want me to say and bits and stuff and I don't know they're having a good time then in March Schaumburg Illinois and then Atlanta at the tabernacle March 15th.

Get tickets right now for that.

Poor Land.

I'm excited.

That's what Rogan recorded one of his specials with all the stars behind.

Look really good.

San Jose, Orlando, and Fort Lauderdale in March.

And then wrapping it up in April, big theater run, April 3rd, Seattle at the Moore Theater.

Vancouver, April 4th.

Calgary, April 5th.

Edmonton, April 6th.

And then finishing it off June 18th, Anchorage, Alaska.

And then that's it for me.

Get tickets at AriShafir.com.

Don't forget to subscribe wherever you're watching or listening to this podcast.

I've almost got that 100,000 subscriber YouTube fucking plaque that I'll put up there somewhere.

And

I'm not going to, I'll put it over there where you can't see it.

Maybe I'll put it up there.

I'm going to redesign this place.

Anyway, let's get back to the episode.

Toby, take us to Scotland.

A pale man for a pale place.

But I was taking this art class where, because my parents are like, you have to do something.

You can't just, you know, sleep all day and then go skateboarding.

You have to pretend that you're getting some sort of education out here.

So I was taking this art class, and the teacher was like, Young 20s, can't put that up.

Yeah, uh,

oh my god, by the way, everybody says this was me.

This went around for a while, like, all right, that is you.

Wow, dude, is that your dad?

Shut up.

Holy that, wow, yeah, I mean, the resemblance is striking.

His nose, his nose, I think Segura sent me a picture, sent me this, and was like,

It was like, Congratulations, that's a geographic bro.

It's you.

Yeah, the nose is a little small on that, but it's close.

Fuck you.

All right.

So,

yeah, go ahead.

So I was in this art class, and the teacher was

so hot.

Like, and that's in Scotland where the women just look.

Let's talk about it.

The pastiest.

All right.

So, okay, there's so much.

I'm going to have to figure this out for this podcast.

I want to go off on a tangent now, but then get back to this story.

Yes, yes, yes.

Let's get back to how ugly they are.

Go ahead.

Go on with your story.

That's so gross.

They're the pastiest.

It's like this negative pink.

If you invert pink on a computer, that's what they are.

Yes.

Still somehow can be hot, some of them.

Yes, without question.

I think some of it's golf course syndrome, where it's like you see a chick on a golf course and you instantly, because there's no chicks around, you're like, oh, look at this 42-year-old mother of two.

Like, whoa, you know?

But in the real world, like,

they all look like they're made out of quick crete.

Like, they're just gray and craggy.

It's just rough.

But then you'll see one, and you're like, wow, that is, you are,

you are gorgeous.

Yeah.

And then they talk and you're like, wow.

Shirley Manson.

I don't know who that is.

From garbage.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Did singer garbage.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And it's like, what?

How did you get out?

Totally.

Okay, go ahead.

So, tattoos, this art teacher.

So cool.

It just hit me.

By the way, I'm only happy when it rains.

Meant she was happy quite a lot.

Oh, went to Scotland.

Yeah.

It just truck me now.

Like, she says one of the happiest people on earth.

Yeah, the weather in Scotland, horrific.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, Seattle style.

Hell yeah.

But I was in this R class and she's like, what are you doing after this?

And I was like, oh, well, I'm up.

Oh, you're a kid.

Yeah.

Oh, you kidded.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, it's not.

The story isn't that cool.

This is the coolest story that's ever been told on your show.

I've never been a white before.

I've only met clear.

Yeah, dude.

So she's like, what are you doing after this and i was like well i'm either gonna go play with these lord of the rings figures i had them my bag i had like a box of them right yeah or i'm gonna go skateboarding and she was like you should go skateboarding

and i was like really she's like yeah my boyfriend skates that's cool and that like clicked in my head that that moment

that that that moment like changed the trajectory of my entire existence yeah i was like oh baby's a huge boarder now i love skating yeah yeah i still skate to this day.

Wow.

But it's just that.

Some hot older lady.

Yep.

And then you just, I'm set forever on that.

Yep.

That's also how I started smoking cigarettes was when I was older.

Dude,

I was smoking and we were playing basketball.

We had a comedian's basketball and some writers too.

Comedians basketball game on Saturdays at the Hollywood High.

No, it wasn't Hollywood High.

It was another high school, middle school.

And

so we were, I hadn't finished my cigarette yet and we were like on defense still smoking it.

And then I was like running up the court and I was like, come on, the scarboard.

I was like, come on.

I was like, yeah, yeah.

And I took my last jacket and and threw it out.

Like, what are you smoking, dude?

You're too smart for that.

I'm like, I know, you're right.

They're like, It's bad for your health.

I'm like, You're right, I know.

And they're like, It makes you stink.

I'm like, You're right, you're right, I know.

And like, it's not cool.

And I'm like, hold on.

Easy does it.

Yeah, it's that's the only reason anyone smokes.

It's the coolest.

It's so cool.

It's so cool.

The greatest.

That's why this vape situation, I'm not for it.

Yeah, the vapes aren't.

The vapes aren't cool, but the SIGs were cool.

They are still cool.

Now, I want a cigarette right now.

I know.

Okay, sorry.

It's been a long time since I had to go.

So that's why you got into skating because of this chick.

Yeah.

That's really cool.

This babe was like, that's really cool.

She was very subtly being like, don't be a nerd.

Yeah.

Go skateboarding.

Yeah.

I would not.

If I regular teacher, she'd be like, oh, well, do whatever your heart tells you.

Yeah.

But she's like, nah, my boyfriend, this guy that fucks me, does

skating.

Dudes who fuck skate.

Dorks who jerk off play Warhammer.

And then later join 4chan and say horrific things about everyone.

You know whose boyfriend does

Warhammer?

No one.

Nobody's.

Okay, so you were there at 13.

What'd you eat?

What'd you get into?

The pies were great.

Love the macaroni pies.

I love a shepherd's pie or cottage pie.

Talk about the breakfasts in Scotland.

Are the best.

Yeah.

Like world-class.

Unheralded.

I would put

the full Scottish breakfast

up against any breakfast.

Any breakfast.

Yeah, I agree.

I agree.

It's a Midwesterner.

Midwesterners look at this thing and are like, that's a lot.

It's a lot, but it's so hardy and

it's not crazy much, though.

So for a full Scottish breakfast, you're going to have a whole...

And you can get this anywhere, by the way.

Everywhere has it.

Everywhere has it.

It's got.

Look at that thing.

So what is all this?

So

you got a fried egg.

Fried egg.

It's a staple.

It's a staple.

You got this?

Beans.

Yep.

Which no one in America is like, that's not a breakfast thing.

That's a burrito thing or a fucking Fourth of July barbecue thing.

It's not.

It's a breakfast thing.

It's a breakfast thing, and it's great.

And people will say,

it's colored and a weird, like lighter brown than we have.

Yeah.

And

people will say the beans should be in a cup on the side.

It's like, no.

No, interesting.

No, fuck that.

Slop all in the...

All together.

Yeah.

So you got your beans, then they have their bacon, which is similar to, which is more like Canadian bacon.

Yeah, which is fat, hearty, delicious.

Oh, it's this one.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they're rounder.

Yeah.

And they're crinkled on the edges.

It's not strips.

Yeah.

And it's like if bacon was steak.

It's so fucking good.

That's this one, right?

Yeah, dude.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a really, it's really, dude, when you're, also.

If you stayed up all night drinking, which you didn't do this at 13, this is the fucking jam.

Walking home on acid in Edinburgh, and it's like at 10 a.m.

I was like, I'll get a breakfast and getting this before bed.

It's like, yes.

So what else is there?

What's this at the bottom left?

That I'm not sure.

We know what this is.

That's sausage.

The sausage is great.

Then on the right, you have the blood sausage.

That's this one?

No, this.

The square one.

That?

I don't know.

This is a weird setup they have here.

But then you have the blood sausage, which is like a little black hockey puck with deliciousness.

And it's gross.

That might be haggis.

It might be haggis,

which is also delicious.

Did you eat haggis?

Love it it's amazing there's a few things i've tried in my life that i expected to hate yes but i'm like i should try it anyway my friend told me uh i took a marketing class in first year he shook university and uh they told us about regional foods that were big in a certain place and then really not big anywhere else uh and this was verner's ginger soda was big in the michigan area in detroit whatever my friend was going to university of michigan i was like hey do you ever have you know werner's and he was like yeah i see it sometimes like can you get me one and i'm like, I'm not gonna like ginger soda.

And he goes, it's, it's, it's got bite.

It's not even ginger ale.

It's ginger soda.

Right.

And uh, and I loved it.

And I'm like, get me more.

Get me so much more.

Uh, Haggis was another one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It gets a horrible rap, but it's, it's like delicious meat, savory oatmeal.

God, it's so good.

Especially fried late night.

Yes, dude.

Oh, yes.

It gets such a bad rap.

Horrific rap, but it's great.

Everyone can fuck right off with their family.

Yeah, why do they get that bad rap?

Well, it is like cooked in the intestines of a sheep.

It's cooked in the intestines of a sheep.

Which fucks people out, but it's like you eat hot dogs, dude.

Shut up.

That's picked up.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, that's like pig face and dog foreskin.

Like, who gives a shit?

Thick slab of butter.

They don't give a fuck.

Look at this coffee mug.

What a beautiful setup, by the way.

Whoever took this is a great job.

Yeah, coffee mug with Scotland on it.

A little toast.

They do the halved tomato.

The halved tomato grilled.

Grilled, burnt, crispy.

Yeah, it's so good.

So good, dude.

And then you take all this shit for the fried eggs so you can can get the yolk beaking out.

And it's just, God damn it.

It's the best breakfast.

It's the best breakfast.

It's unparalleled.

Do you know how this differs from English breakfast?

I do not.

I don't.

I did at one point.

No, Scott, no,

what's it called for sure?

No,

Haggis.

Yeah.

The Scottish breakfast doesn't invade India.

Doesn't invade India.

Yeah.

Let's see what else they got here.

I'm going to kill myself for saying that.

That's not bash.

It didn't register register for a second.

I apologize.

Oh, no, this is a bad joke.

Yeah,

they're similar, but then slightly different.

They just, they bring it to you and they're real about it.

Yeah, and there's Scotland versus England in general.

The Scottish have such a better disposition.

Well, they've been invaded and they're, oh, see, that's a good blood pudding right there.

Yeah, dude.

And the sausages are so thick and hardy.

Yes.

And you wouldn't go sausage and bacon and blood pudding.

What the fuck is blood pudding, by the way?

It's ground sausage stuff, and then they throw, they mix blood in with it,

which is why it gets so black and weird.

But which is, it's one of those things where you gotta just eat it and not think about it because you're like, you can't think about it.

This is weird, but this is pretty great.

Yeah.

Oh, you know what another food was I?

That I chantakuros, those beetle tongue larvae.

Oh, yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah, I liked it.

But I liked it okay.

No, no, what I really liked was the kui, was the guinea pig.

That was like a delicacy.

Like the chanticuros, I was like, I could have it, it was okay, but like the cooe, the guinea pig was like thick and rich.

I wonder if I could eat the I definitely wouldn't eat it.

The problem with the guinea pig, it's it's set out.

I we won't go into it, but it's set out like this and it's smiling and it's grilled.

So you see a full guinea pig laid out.

Like, it doesn't not look like chicken, doesn't look like a chicken, yeah, you know, and those do.

This doesn't look like uh intestine of a sheep.

It looks like you crucified your little homie, yeah, and he's still got the teeth and he's smiling.

It's like, oh, dude, that's so twisted.

Yeah, yeah, that's not good uh

but the the the the haggis is amazing but but those are the only truly stellar food the indian food's pretty good that's all over the uk though yeah that's so up dude that's that's your buddy that's my buddy that's your little homie man i don't know if i could eat that i definitely couldn't eat bugs i don't even eat seafood because i find it to be too close to bugs so okay get back to it so what did we do what did we do there what did we had with day-to-day you hung out with skaters that's cool yes and then nine months and that became like my friend group i still, I met a dude named Ewan Carroll.

He's the man.

Shadow Ewan Ewan.

What is Scottish name?

Yeah.

And

we had similar tastes in like pop culture.

But they had all this shit that we didn't have.

Like they had like the Mighty Boosh

old comedy show.

So and then I got to show him stuff that he'd never seen.

So we had this like cool.

And he was big into

comedy.

We both loved like Kevin Smith and shit like that.

Because here, if you were into Mighty Boosh, you were a hipster cool person to even hear about it.

It was only on BBC, like where the office played.

and it was like, how would you even find out about that?

That's such a cool exchange of like, of like cultural stuff.

Yeah, wow.

Because they did have some really good stuff.

Yeah, they had some funny stuff.

A lot of bad stuff, too.

Yeah, Faulty Towers they never quite got.

No, it's none of the British comedies are like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Was there any Scottish?

Not really.

Not that I recall.

But it was also what was fucked up is that

going over there, they still, at that point, they still only had four channels.

Yeah, BBC1, BBC Zoo, BBC 3.

BBC1, BBC2, Dave, IG TV, maybe something like that, and then Channel 4.

And Channel 4 was that shit.

That was it.

Channel 4 was, that was their reckless network.

That was like after 10, tits all over the place,

cool, like unedited movies.

It was Channel 4 was the jam.

Wow.

Channel 4 ripped.

I saw this.

I still think about it to this day.

They had this show where they would just show clips.

It would come on like 2 a.m.

I know it.

Nope, I don't know it.

They would just show clips of like weird, cult, old school, like obscure movies that were like real fucked up.

And they show this clip of this one movie.

And I'm so, I've been dying to see this movie, but I could never figure out what it was.

But

it's this guy who's being attacked almost like a by like an evil dead demon chick.

And

they're like flirting and he's like, yeah, I love getting high off my ass.

And she's like, oh, yeah.

And then she turns into a demon and then bends him over and starts shoveling cocaine into his ass.

And she's like, What's the matter?

I thought you liked getting high off your ass and like kills this guy by stuffing his ass full of cocaine.

I thought it was too where you're like, You want to be like, It's just a just a speech thing.

Lady,

I don't really mean that.

Turn a phrase.

Yeah, turn a phrase.

Yeah.

So if anybody knows what the name of that movie is, I'd love to fucking say.

Oh, yeah.

Reach out to Toby.

Where are you on Instagram?

At toby.mcmullins.

My only social media.

Toby.

I assume you have to like uppercase both the M's.

Now you can lowercase them.

Instagram's like, I don't know how to do this.

At Toby.mcMullen.

Reach out if you know that fucking movie and tell them.

So that's cool.

That's fun.

Like exchanging ideas like that with people.

What did he like from America?

Family guy had just hit.

Nice.

So that was big.

Yeah.

That was real big.

Dude, my buddy told me about that I met in Guatemala.

My buddy is from England told me about the Big Les.

Do You know, Big Les?

Oh, I got to show it to you later.

It's just five minute shorts on YouTube.

It's just, they're great.

Anyway, I'll show them to you later.

Okay, so they're great, stupid, high, fucking around like high.

The whole season is probably like 45 minutes because they're five minute episodes and there's like six seasons of it.

It's for when you're stoned out your ass with somebody.

Sounds great.

That sounds like the shit that I like.

Yeah, just a bogan.

Okay, so

what else happened during that period?

Or should we jump to 17?

No, we'll get there in a second.

There's still some like, there were some really cool moments that I got to experience.

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That was a debacle.

Now back to the episode.

One of them being

there was a a skate video that came out that was huge.

It's called This is Skateboarding by a shoe company named America.

oh i remember america america yeah yeah yeah i was a big poser when i started comedy wore a wristband couldn't skate no you didn't yeah big poser dude no way poser did you tell people you could or you just let them you let them infer i just wear it yeah somebody called me a poser at um i was at treasure island in vegas and i was like fucking poser i was just walking and i was like fuck you like i i let myself believe lies really well like you don't know

i ripped dude literally the the best i could do i eventually learned i could skate i could skate dunk it told me how to to skate down a curve.

That's good.

Lift the nose so you could just ride right up.

Yeah.

So, would a poser be able to do that, you fucking bitch?

Still in my head, 20 years later.

Would a poser be able to do the second thing you figure out?

This is skateboarding?

Yes.

And it was the.

Sorry, I'm just looking at it.

I took a bunch of notes so I could keep all this straight up.

Okay.

And they premiered it in,

they did it, or they did it.

It was not a premiere, it was more of a screening at the like one of the movie theaters in Aberdeen oh cool and every skateboarder from all over

packed this theater out and it was one of the most incredible

experiences I'd had up until that point because this was before the internet before YouTube like it was hard to get your hands on this shit like either would be the right tapes or DVDs and they would come out every

handful of years there'd be a big one.

Now they're just being rifled off left and right.

But it was this packed theater, oversold.

We're sitting in the aisles, me and my new friends, watching, you know, Andrew Reynolds and all these incredible guys, Kevin Long,

watching these video parts, and the place was popping off, dude.

Just screaming and just like all grabbing each other and just like, oh my God, can you fucking believe this?

This

Andrew Reynolds is front side flipping 15 stairs, and you're like, oh, you fucking shit.

And

it was so, because I had, I,

I was so lonely for a lot of that experience.

You know, I spent so much time

by myself

that it felt so good to just be in this room with all these other kids and just like connecting and all experiencing this thing together.

Damn.

And everybody there is in a skateboard.

No one's just like, let me see what this movie is.

No, everyone is stoked.

Wow.

Just so hype.

Was that like a groundbreaking one?

Oh, huge.

Wow.

Huge.

After it ended, everybody lit out and there was a skate spot like a block away, and everybody went skating.

Wow, the skate shop who had set it up had like was doing like product tosses, they're like throwing boards.

They did have some good fellas, they had a screening of good fellas, and everybody went out and went to a place where they could be the fucking garbage worst of the whites people.

Sure, yeah, they all went out and beat their wives, yeah, they would beat their wives and acted like fucking mafiosos when they're not

like, I'll come back to,

but I have a pinky ring, yeah, exactly.

Uh, talk about you, Brett Ernst and Versey.

Um,

um,

wow, that's so cool!

That's so cool.

Dude, there's nothing like a packed movie theater.

And it's never going to be this.

It's never going to happen again.

It will.

It has been.

For Oppenheimer, the chicks all fucking finally figured out how much movies cost when they went to see Barbie.

Yeah.

They're like, why?

Movies are over $10?

Yeah, they're like, for a while, dude.

I went and saw The New Mission Impossible.

Just like on a whim.

I was just on my couch.

I was just like, ah, I was like, oh,

I'll go see a movie.

Oh, Mission Possible.

I'll go see it.

I go to the theater, pretty full.

And very quickly, everyone in the theater started clapping at like moments where you should not clap.

Like Tom Cruise hits the run, and it's just, and this is in a story of Queens.

So it's just like a bunch of Latino families just like clapping, losing their minds.

And I was like, what the fuck is going on?

And then I realized that it was opening day.

I thought the movie had come out the week before.

I was there opening night, and these were the die-hard Tom Cruise fans.

The Impossibles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're all cruising for bruising, these guys.

I got into Scientology for seven years because of him.

Yeah.

It was so, it was so, it was like when people clap on a plane.

All due respect to the Scientologists.

I mean, you're no harm.

For real.

Please don't kidnap me and stuff me in the bowels of a boat.

Oh, this is good for you.

Yeah.

I lived in a town over from Clearwater with a Scientologist.

You were to Florida?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So they have a local slur for Scientologists because they're all over.

Yeah.

Sinos.

So nice.

Nice.

Nice.

Yeah.

So people say there's fucking Sinos everywhere.

Wow.

Yeah.

So take that, you can take that with you.

Damn, that's so cool that everybody got into it there.

Like, because that's such a minds.

Yeah.

And that movie brought everyone together.

Skateboarding in general brought, because the movie wasn't made in Scotland.

No.

You know?

It's made in California.

Yeah.

So it's like, it brought the U.S.

and, and where does skateboarding start?

California.

California.

Yeah.

And just like instantly, everyone's in the same spot.

We all do this thing.

We can all connect and relate to this.

Wow.

Yeah.

It ruled.

The other thing that was jarring was like the fashion there is so terrible.

Yeah, really bad.

They all dress like Ohio mall kids.

Like just like the

this there's no style.

Yeah.

And their taste in pop culture is like weirdly skewed.

Like everyone like loves the Foo Fighters in Scotland.

Really?

Yeah.

They like you'll see so many.

I don't know if it's if it still is, but I, but you would see Foo Fighter shirts everywhere.

And in my head, I was like, that man from the radio, really?

That's like what everyone loves?

It's just, it's weird the things that it's weird the things that that blow up there.

Because like the, the language is the same, but yeah, it's weird.

I remember there was an ad for Bush, the man Bush.

Yeah.

It got big here.

You look like, for for sure, someone's modeled his life after Gavin Rossdale, I just realized.

They're playing at Irving Plaza.

But like

they went back to America, England, and played there.

They're English.

And the ad was, come see what America thinks we're missing.

No

way.

They just didn't hit there.

They just weren't big there.

Whoa.

It's like no reason for it.

And then we don't have like their big bands.

It's like, we've never even heard of them.

No, the Arctic Monkeys made it big over here, but there's very few Scottish, anything that really blows up.

It's like the Arctic monkeys.

I would walk 500 miles.

Ewan McGregor.

Yeah.

And then those guys.

There's always a here or there

something.

You're like, oh, that's Scotland?

So do you feel, by the way, do you feel connected to Scotland when you hear something about it?

Do you like perk up more than you would about like a Cambodian thing?

Now,

probably, I'm like, I'm like, I'm more like, oh, that's cool.

Rude.

So rude, dude.

First show in the new studio, you don't silence the phone, man.

The disrespect.

Took a accidental screenshot trying to silence it.

Later, it's this fucking spam shit from goddamn stupid Joe Rogan telling me to get ivermectin.

And they call you for the next six years trying to sell you any dick pill, any pill.

They don't warn you about everything.

He didn't do all his research.

Yeah.

Anyway, go ahead.

How are you feeling about this, by the way?

What?

About the space?

I'm loving it.

It feels pretty good.

Yeah, it's roomy.

It's nice.

Yeah, it's roomy like a Scottish Highland.

I'm really, I'm really

having a panic attack about the video coming out and the audio being clear.

but other than that, listen, listen.

I mean, we'll see.

But

we did the

whatever.

Focus,

yeah.

Due diligence.

I let you do it.

You let me do it.

So there's less fuck up.

I mean, I think this was a fucking coup, dude.

We can make a great-looking, fucking cool place in Scotland, right here.

Yeah, baby.

Can you get that in the shot?

I think you can.

There's Edinburgh, there's St.

Andrews.

You've been there.

And it's way up.

Let's see what this is.

Let me see.

What else did I have?

Do you like brown sauce?

I do like brown sauce.

I don't love it, but I'm okay with it.

I like it.

So you never had Buckfest?

No.

You were too young.

I was too young.

But we'll get into my Scotland boozing on my next trip.

Okay.

I booze heavy though.

Okay.

I just want to make sure I didn't miss anything.

I love a guest that takes notes and thinks about it.

Because this shit's a long time ago.

Do you really got to think about it and go, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

I forgot about that.

I forgot that.

If I'm just like, how was Scotland?

You're like, really nice nature.

And you'd forget the fucking movie.

yeah a little guess who does some fucking work yeah oh this is big i'm gonna say this up top so my family was obsessed with scotland right

to the point where we would go to the highland games in north carolina which is like the renaissance fair for scottish shit They dress us up in fucking kilts.

So I'm like a little kid running around in a skirt.

Really?

Watching dudes do the like caber toss and stuff.

Oh, you showed me shit like that before.

Yeah.

It's so cool.

Just a giant telephone pole that you're flipping.

Yeah, except it's not Scottish dudes.

It's like redneck farmers who are like,

my folks, my family came from over there.

It's just like, dude, what the fuck are we doing, man?

I love how your redneck is Philly.

Because that's not how they talk in North Carolina.

I'm trying to, yeah, I do.

Are you garbage?

The Philadelphia accent is like, that's my go-to accent now.

It's taken over for trash.

Yeah, so it's like, how does my family sound?

Like, oh man, it's real disappointing that you don't go to church on Wednesdays.

Why is my southern accent not working?

Whatever.

Yeah, Yeah, it's not that great.

But it used to be impeccable.

The Highland games.

Yeah.

North Carolina Highland games.

Just so embarrassing.

I'm from Maiden, North Carolina.

So they went there to like, did you ever do it up there?

No, never went to any Highland games.

Grandfather Mountain Highland games.

Fuck yeah, dog.

Yeah, but that was me.

I was like those.

Little kids in kilts.

I was like a little kid in a kilt, man.

How embarrassing is that?

Oh, it's human.

Oh, and they have it in, like, what's that language in Scotland?

Gaelic.

Gaelic.

But it's kind of a cousin to the Irish, right?

Yeah, kind of.

Kid Milfeit.

With 100,000 welcomes.

Yeah.

So the.

Look at these little fucking redhead losers, kids.

Dude, that was exactly what I was doing.

This kid's got some black in him.

He's got a chance.

This kid back here.

All sunblock his whole life.

Yeah, terrible.

Look at this.

He's running with his...

Look at them all running with their tongues out.

God, dumb fucks.

Dude, this is me.

If one of those kids had a bolt cut and a rat tail, it would look exactly like how I look.

Yeah, I love this black kid's lap in these dudes.

Oh,

he's got the fucking insane bolt form.

The other kid's like, I like running, man.

And he's like, eat it, pussy.

I'm here to win.

Eat my dust, bitches.

Eat my dust.

Yeah, so that was

pretty much it for.

oh, I did one of the most one of the one of my most vivid memories of living there in Aberdeen because I was with the Warhammer nerd kids, yeah, and we went to go play Laser Tag.

Cool, and we're playing laser tag, having fun, and then out of the like fog machine mist, and this little kid comes running with no vest, no gun, just a loose child in this laser tag arena, you know, flying in the face of the rules of combat.

And then behind him comes the fattest man you've ever seen

with two vests on

and two guns, laying waste to everyone.

He had taken this little kid's vest,

put it over his so that if he got shot, it would count on the other kid's score and he couldn't get hit.

And he's just terminating, dudes, bro.

It's like,

this is the dork terminator.

Legend.

Yeah, I don't know why, but that always cited as

the funniest I imagine.

He's running like he's still going to get killed.

Just this fat, red-headed dickhead.

Oh, my God.

Blasting away.

It was great.

So then.

Can I read a poem real quick?

I don't know.

It's the passing of one of their own, Sandy Jones,

from the Highland, North Carolina Highland Games.

And there's a poem here for him.

So, may the road wise rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm on your face.

The rains fall soft on their fields.

And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hands.

fight on sandy jones fight on shout out sandy jones yeah cosplaying as a cosplaying as an adult yeah it's so weird yeah own slaves yeah for sure

um

um that's funny we got to do a comedian's laser tag game that would be a blast yeah yeah that'd be fun All right, let's get to you as a fucking young adult here.

All right, so then this is great.

You've been back a few times.

Flash forward to 2009.

Okay.

Modern times now.

Yes.

There can be only one.

Yes.

2009.

I'd just gotten kicked out of college.

Yeah.

I was kind of like unsure what I was doing with my life.

And

my dad was like going to do research for this book and was like, we're going to go live in France.

Do you want to come with us?

And I was like, that's going to be an insane opportunity to say no to.

So I was like, for sure, I'll go.

So we went and we spent a month in this tiny town in the south of France.

And we're all, one day we woke up and we were like eating breakfast and we're looking around and we're all my dad is like yo I fucking hate it here

and my mom and I were both like fucking us too we were all like pretending like we liked it because we didn't want to upset

so we were like let's get the dude fuck France let's go to Edinburgh And we were like, yeah.

So we bagged the whole, we were supposed to stay in France for like months and months.

And then we were like, fuck this place.

This sucks.

I shit in a river in France because I hated it so much, like out of spite.

I was like, spite shit.

I was like, fuck this town.

And not like,

I didn't get in the water and shit.

I sat on the edge of a fence

on this.

Yeah, I blooped it.

This river that separated Vichy France and not Vichy France in World War II.

And I just, I just shit in this river, just like, fuck this town, dude.

I hated it.

Dude, that's fucking wild.

Fuck France.

Wow.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

So we go to Edinburgh.

We get there.

I was 19.

And while I was in France,

I was just, I was just drunk every day.

I inverted my sleep schedule.

I would wake up at 5 p.m.

I'd start drinking wine with my folks.

Then I'd go to the one corner store they had in this tiny town and grab a bottle of rum for five euros and then drink that all night.

Goodbye, Tacky, but goodbye.

And

was like, just like trying to figure out what the fuck I wanted to to do with my life i thought i wanted to be an actor but i was like this shit sucks i got kicked out of acting school and i was listening to pat and oswalt's werewolves and lollipops and i was like this i want to do this because you don't have to memorize lines you get to say whatever you want a lot of people how do you memorize your lines like there are no lines there are no lines

exactly so i was like i want to do this i want to do stand-up So we moved to Edinburgh.

And the first night we were there, I looked up comedy clubs in Edinburgh.

They have a great one there called The Stand.

The Stand.

And I went there every night.

I just the first night I went, I started hanging out that first night I met a guy named Jerry who's an American from Rhode Island who was a stage hand.

They have a lot of

theater in Edinburgh, obviously.

Yeah.

The stand is on it's a new town, right?

I believe so.

Yeah, I'm picturing it.

It's on this long road.

I could walk there.

It's up the hill and it's across from the

It's across from like the botanical gardens or something.

There's like a park across the street.

Yeah.

Gorgeous park.

Amazing park.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good place to smoke weed.

Fuck yeah, dude they're not high on weed there dude okay so this is the thing that happened in edinburgh everybody smokes spliffs right yeah but i'm like an american guy who's used to smoking bowls so i went and got a chillum you know like the the straight pipe without a carb on it for like one hitters yeah but bigger than a one hitter it's more like a bowl in the front okay and i was smoking that and everyone thought i was a crackhead Everyone I tried to pass it to would be like, oh, what the fuck is that?

And I'd be like, it's weed, man.

They'd be like, no, roll a spliff, mate.

And I was like, no, dude, I don't want tobacco in my fucking mouth.

crazy and i try to explain to them they're like you don't smoke it like that in america i'm like just blacks only blacks smoke it like that here yeah we're like cheap hippies yeah okay maybe but like all right maybe but like that's a charade you know kind of thing sure it's it's a way to it's a way to save money i get they always said it it lasts longer that way it lasts longer i'm like just smoke less weed take the amount of weed you're putting in the spliff yes hit it in a one-hitter yes and then go smoke your cigarettes yes what do you mean although i do get it now.

I will do them in like Mexico and places like that.

You roll them.

It's like, it's just a nicer buzz in a cigarette.

Yeah.

And the joy of smoking is nice.

It is.

So it lasts longer means the time lasts longer.

And it's like now that I've quit SIGs,

it's like a nice way to cheat on that.

Yeah, right, right, right.

It's a nice way to get a smuggler.

I got re-addicted in Scotland.

Because of the splits.

I hear Shaw, my roommate, was smoking all the time.

I was like, well, I'll smoke splits with you because you can't smoke a pure, they call it.

He's fucking, I'm not going to say that word, but like uh not the first podcast we do but like um

but you know what i mean

uh

and then i went to afterwards went to croatia to like take a little vacation go to an islands and then and then i was like i'm i'm like oh i'm addicted to cigarettes from these fucking spliffs they'll get you yeah i bought a pouch and i was like i'll just do it here

yeah yeah so the first night i met i met i met jerry he's a stage hand and he was like just like a local at the comedy club that was his that was his bar that was his hangout cool yeah so he he would also like run tech for them sometimes.

So I'm just like shooting the shit with him and we're just like talking comedy after the show.

And

he was like, do you do comedy?

And I was just instant lie.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

19 years old just talking shit.

He's like, oh, yeah, in Chicago.

And because that's where I gotta kicked out of school.

And

he was like, oh, cool.

You want to meet the comics?

And I was like, Yeah, dude.

So then he took me backstage.

I'm like chopping it up and he's going.

I remember introducing a guy and be like, this is, this is my new friend Toby.

He's a comic from Chicago.

He knows comedy.

And we just sat back there and I just sat in there just talking just because I was such a comedy nerd.

Yeah.

Just talking with everybody.

And then they closed the, they kicked everyone out.

And then I was drinking with the staff.

No.

And then I went there.

Because you're a comic to them.

Exactly.

So they're like, oh, he's cool.

He can stay.

So, and I was, and I've always been, until I had to quit, I was always an excellent drinker in terms of like the

using it to maneuver the social aspects.

just really good at i get keeping the vibe of skills not done enough being a good drinker it's it's so important dude so you're there at edward just hanging out with guys that's how you started comedy yeah so how did you go from there to doing it so i it's so funny

you a comedy go yes and then you're just in yeah you're just that's

so did you start there let's check it out So I started hanging out every night.

They stopped charging me for admission.

I was just, I just got to hang.

They started giving me the employee discount on drinks.

I was the only one who drank.

They had a bottle of Jim Beam

way up at the top.

And I was like, can I get a shot of Jim Beam?

And they were like, fucking really?

Because they don't do shots over there.

The drinking culture is very different.

They don't do shots or they do exact pours.

Yeah.

With the thing, the thing's actually in there.

You can't even do it.

Here they do like that.

And then as a radio port, they keep it going a little bit.

Yeah.

You know, they raise this thing.

It's all these bottles, like, like this, and they have a thing attached to it.

And they just push it in.

It fills up this medicine cap cup.

And then that is what comes out

like a

gumball machine.

Exactly.

It is the poor.

And you're like, go bigger.

And they won't.

They won't.

But they will if you're the homie.

So

I would do shots and hang out.

And they didn't have an open mic, but they had a Monday night they had

their

new comic showcase called Red Raw.

And it was incredibly hard to get on because it was packed.

It was five pounds a ticket.

Students, younger people, wall to wall sold out every week.

And it was incredibly competitive to get on because

of

good show and not a lot of stand-up happening throughout Scotland.

You know what I mean?

So people would travel from London, from Glasgow to do this showcase to try and get on.

The Glasgow Stand is one of the best clubs in the world.

It's awesome.

Yeah.

The Edinburgh Stand is good, but the Glasgow stand is like, is like

it's cool.

They're right up on you.

It's long and sideways.

So I, you know, through lying and being a good hang, the booker gave me two spots a month apart.

So I got, so the first time I'm ever going to do stand-up, it was in Scotland.

What?

And I, at this sold-out show.

And I wrote one joke.

I suppose you five minutes.

I wrote one joke.

And then I was like, and then I'll just improvise.

I can't do that now.

Dog, for real.

Yeah.

So I'm in the back waiting to go on, just drinking, smoking weed out of my crack pipe, chill them, just being like, if I get stoned, it'll be better.

You know, just so wrong.

I get on stage.

The lights are so bright.

Yeah, no one's expecting it.

No one's ready for it.

And I've told everyone that I'm a comic.

So they all have, there's expectation.

Of you like, oh, this guy's going to crush with an American-style stand-up.

Exactly.

That That would be great.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Ari.

American-style liar.

Yeah.

I bombed.

Yeah.

I mean, the sweat.

I love a cold sweat.

I love a cold sweat.

Oh, dude.

Oh, it's so upsetting to think about.

One of my favorite things to kill Tony is if I take that seat closest to the, it's, it's flipped.

The guy will be here, but like, let's do it here.

And I'll be this close and I'll be watching him bomb and I just stare at his forehead to see if I can see it coming out.

Like, you can't interrupt for a minute, but I just like want to like see, because I know I've had it myself.

Yeah.

And then it's just like you see it get glistening.

It's so interesting.

Oh, it's the worst feeling.

I did an Australian accent of this joke and it took complete silence.

And in the back, you just hear a guy go, eh, good accent.

Fuck, dude, come on.

Wow.

Yeah, but then luckily I had another

set lined up.

Yeah.

So then I was humiliated, mortified, and I was like, that is not going to fucking happen again.

So then I wrote.

For a month later.

For a month later.

Okay.

I like.

How long were you there for this time?

Nine months.

Wait, again nine months?

Yep.

Damn.

But I missed the fringe.

I was there the night.

I was of the nine months I was there.

So I still haven't been to the fringe.

I have no idea what it's like.

I know.

Everyone says.

Oh, you're not a drinker, though.

Yeah, it's Jeff.

It's a drinking place.

I'm going next year for sure.

I'm dying to go.

But also, it's fun the rest, too.

A lot of people leave doing the fringe, by the way, because it's overcrowded with tourists.

I'll sell my apartment for the month for makeup, whatever, and I'll go to the Highlands, I'll go vacation.

Yeah.

So I like worked on this set, and it went well.

Yeah.

The mistake I made this time,

different mistake.

I had my buddy film it.

I like one of those.

Remember those flip cams?

Like before cell phones had video cameras?

Like the little, like the little handheld ones that you'd flip.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just kind of held it.

It's not a GoPro, but it's, it's like.

It was, it was the predecessor.

Uh-huh.

So

we, uh, I did that.

I had my buddy film it.

No, you have your second set?

I deleted it.

Ah, what?

It might be somewhere.

How'd you do?

Pretty well.

Okay, I was going to say, like, worse.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It went good.

It was, everyone was stoked afterwards.

They were like, oh, so much.

They were like, all my homies were like, thank fucking Christ, dude.

Like, we thought.

We thought maybe you sucked.

Yeah, but it went good, and it was five minutes, and it was jokes.

Wow.

But, like, like terrible.

But the mistake that I made is I then took that video and I Facebook messaged it to everyone that I knew.

Yeah.

But like personal met like high school friends.

I just got I'd gotten kicked out of college.

Check it out, dude.

Yeah.

So exactly.

So I was like so desperate to prove that I wasn't a loser

and then made it so much worse.

I sent it to my English teacher from high school.

Like, what the fuck was I thinking, dude?

What were you thinking?

I'm an idiot.

I was an idiot.

I was also hammered drunk every day that I was there.

You don't make great decisions when you're drunk.

No, I don't know if I'm breaking any codes of silence, but yeah, it's not the best decision-making drug.

Every night I would drink.

On the way home, I would grab, or I'd make sure I had one in my room.

I would get those two liters of cider they have, that alcoholic cider.

Yeah.

And I would just guzzle it all night and then go to sleep as the sun was coming up.

Oh, they do have good cider.

Recorderling and

recorderling.

And then white lightning.

But this is like, this is like their equivalent of a 40.

Did you have urnbrew?

I love ironbrew.

Love it, dude.

Do you like that shit?

That's another wild one.

It just tastes like plastic.

It tastes like bubblegum.

It tastes like bubblegum.

You're right.

It's an orange soda that tastes like bubblegum.

Scotland and Russia are two of the countries where Coca-Cola is not the, two of the only countries where Coca-Cola is not the number one selling soda.

What do they have in

Russia?

I don't know, tears from the gulag.

I don't know.

It's so gross.

Tears from the gulag, shut up.

It's great.

What are you talking about?

That shocks me that it is.

It just looks like orange soda, but it's not orange soda.

It doesn't taste anything like orange sodder.

It's just too plastic.

Everyone's drinking them, and they're drinking out of these one and a half liters or two liters

all the time.

Iron brew and vodka is a disgusting beverage they can't get enough enough of it's an obese country it is yes yeah here's a good picture of iron brew uh oh

yeah perfect yeah

uh

yeah but these uh these these two liters of cider are

are like our 40s you know it's like the shittiest alcohol they have it's not made from apples it's made from onions oh it's onion cider what is that uh but it's marketed like...

What is it called?

I'm trying to remember.

It wasn't Strongbow.

Strongbow.

Oh, no.

But it wasn't.

It was a shitty.

It was a cheaper version.

Strongbow was good.

There was one really bad one that was called White Lightning.

Oh, yeah.

And that's for bumps.

That's for.

That's like people who drink Listerine.

That's that's up there with

311.

Not 311.

High gravity.

Steel Reserve.

Okay.

You know Steel Reserve?

Also, it does go with 311.

Man.

I wasn't wrong.

It just wasn't the right thing you're talking about.

But correct.

Yeah, it's really bad.

But it was like three pounds for like a two liter of booze.

Wow.

I was like, that's a good deal.

Yeah.

And I was broke.

They let you at bars then?

They let you buy at 17?

I was 19.

19.

So I could drink.

Wow, yeah.

Dog.

Coming back after that trip.

And not being able to drink?

One year, being 20 years old in Chicago, back in prison.

Just no bars, no drink.

Had to go to the one corner store that would sell to us.

Find somebody so you could drink out behind a fucking dumpster like a fucking peasant.

Dog shit.

Instead of going to a bar.

And the bars in Scotland are so cool.

And I'm like, they're not crazy blasting music.

It's just like cool, chill.

Yeah, and I'm like a pro-level drinker.

I know how to hang in the bar.

Keep the fun with it.

Don't black out.

Don't puke.

Yeah.

Just pubs.

Catch a buzz, bro.

Yeah, dude.

Watch the football game.

Be like, or the soccer game.

I love seeing a fucking older

man reading the paper at a pub by himself.

Drinking a beer.

Drinking a beer, reading the paper.

And it's not like, oh, you're an alcoholic.

It's like, no, I'm just, it's a place to go.

It's a, it's a social situation.

It's my dad.

That's, that's really 100% my dad's real.

I got to fucking hang out with your dad from now on.

So you have more fun for sure.

What if you tell anybody now, let's wrap this up because now you got to go.

And also, whatever.

I got to take a dump.

Speaking of Scotland, August, I got to take a dump.

What would you tell people if they're going to Scotland?

Like, you got to check this out.

You got to go

not even a place or anything.

I mean, I guess I would say the Scottish breakfast.

The Scottish breakfast.

You also have to do the shitty Scottish breakfast.

There's a thing they have there called Gregg's, which is like Dunkin' Donuts.

Gregg's, yeah.

And they do these things called sausage rolls that are amazing.

I saw in that thing, it's like it's the cousin.

This is the high-level cousin of the toned-down sausage rolls, Scottish rolls.

Yes.

Yeah.

It's a puff pastry with just sausage, and it's so fucking delicious.

They sell out.

They're so good.

You got to go to Edinburgh.

You got to drink iron brew.

The candy is so good.

Do you ever have a deep-fried Mars bar?

I had a whole fried meal there.

It's an obese country.

It's an obese country.

I had fries, a fried slice of pizza, and a fried Oreo for.

They love deep frying.

They fry the shit out of everything.

But it's fun, but they bust balls and they're

hardy people.

If you take Glasgow out, Scotland is not an obese country.

Yeah.

It's so obese there.

Yeah, they're hardy.

They're fun.

They're just an invaded country.

So it's just like, or I guess they're not a country.

They will be the next referendum.

I'm pretty positive.

Yeah.

It was like 49.51 on the last one.

Yeah.

And now that was before Brexit.

They're like,

fuck out of here.

Yeah, you know,

Europe is going to be like, hey, whatever they're giving you, we'll give you.

Let's get you out.

Red button still going?

Yeah, dude.

I can't help but look at somebody.

I did look at it once because you're here for the safety net, but that is right in my view where I'll need my buttons going.

I'm so conditioned.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The candy is way better there.

They do have fun candy.

Have you had an arrow bar?

Yeah.

The mint arrow bar, dude, is so delicious.

It's milk chocolate around this like, it has like air pockets in it.

Air pockets, yeah.

It's like

minty and delicious.

Yeah.

And jaffa cakes.

Those are good.

Big fucking cookie, big, thick, wafery, and

it's a sponge.

It's a little jebby almost.

Yeah, it's a sponge with an orange cream filling and a little chocolate on top.

It's so good.

Oh, yeah, the orange cream filling.

You don't get that anywhere else.

Yeah.

Jaffa cakes.

They're good for breakfast.

It is funny that my whole view of this country is through a child's eye.

I'm like, the candy is amazing.

Candy?

You can skateboard?

You can skate and do any candy?

Yeah,

drink an Iron Brew.

Go to Edinburgh.

The Isle of Sky is amazing.

You went up there?

I went everywhere.

So you went around too?

Oh, my parents took me everywhere.

Trains are easy, huh?

Trains are amazing.

The castles are cool.

I didn't appreciate it at the time.

I would like to go back.

So, dude, I went to Edinburgh my first time, and I was like, I think it was my first time.

And I went to Ahir and

Alex Keeley and Alex Shaw.

And I was like, you guys want to go to the castle in Edinburgh?

And they're like, no.

I'm like, what?

No.

And they're like, Ari, where we're from, we have, I can't do it, but like, Ari, where we're from, we have lots of castles.

I'm like, no, no, fair enough.

Like, it's not that special.

Would When my buddies, I had some buddies from Edinburgh come and visit me in Chicago.

And I took them to the liquor store.

And I remember my buddy, his like head popping over one of the aisles after he saw a 30 rack for the first time.

And he just goes, 30 beers.

They go 30 beers.

He was mind blown by it.

And then

we got back to the apartment and he pulled him out and he goes, oh, sure, it's 30 beers, but they're fucking tiny because they only have pints.

They don't have 12 12-ounce beers.

Yeah, that's a real fucking beer.

And also, it's already kind of warm, so it doesn't go, it doesn't like lose its cold.

Yeah.

Wow, yeah.

But they're fucking tiny.

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, I mean, I love.

Scotland's a great place.

It's great.

You want to go back for the festival?

Maybe in the future.

I do have a desire to, at some point, go.

Yes.

Maybe not.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why maybe?

Why'd you say maybe like that?

Because the fringe is gnarly.

It's gnarly.

It's a lot of work.

The fringe fringe isn't like, that's not like a fun experience.

It is a fun experience.

It's a mission.

Disagree, but yeah, I know what you mean.

It's a long road.

Let me rephrase.

It's not an easy experience.

Right.

It's not.

It's not travel.

You have to make yourself get salads because they don't have them at restaurants.

So you have to make yourself go to the supermarket and have like stuff in your fridge for nutrients.

You have to force yourself to not drink one night.

You'll be way better off because you don't.

And get some sun

when it is out.

You got to bark.

You got to bark or hire somebody to do it for you yeah even then a lot of people self-flyer

for yourself yeah well you gotta do it after shows you're on other people's shows yeah like it's doing 10 minutes then after that you i would just do it like stand on top like hey i gotta show at seven hey i gotta show it seven hey i gotta show it some i'll check that out yeah um

toby this is great this is great yeah

yeah buddy what

everybody this is the fucking toby studio here man

this whole fucking thing up

you and d's yeah me ryan z the three of us we like conceived it together we're like you were like, really, so helpful.

I'm like, so what do you want to do?

How do you want it to be?

Let's get the vibe down.

Yeah.

It was an unbelievable experience.

I'm so happy.

I can't wait to see all the cool stuff that comes out of here, and it'll get better and better as it goes.

But before we go, what year was

Paid Regular?

What did your paid regular come out?

Paid Regular, by the way, it's well, now it's out on YouTube.

They're putting it out finally.

As of this, it's coming out this Sunday.

Paid Regular came out 2012 or 2014.

That would have been 2014.

Yeah, 2014.

Passive aggressive was 2012, 2014.

2014.

Okay.

So

2014, I was living.

It's a special, paid regular from a comedy store.

I was living in Chicago.

I had just started doing comedy.

I lived in this like total flop house.

There's like five of us.

One of my race was addicted to heroin.

It's like graffiti on the walls, just like smoking inside.

We paid our rent in cash.

Just like a

just like bad dude.

Yeah.

Mattress on the floor type shit.

And I remember so vividly listening to, you did a podcast where you broke down the whole, your whole experience of getting past at the comedy store.

Oh, yeah.

And I listened to that

and it made me cry.

Really?

And I found it to be, yesterday's my 20th anniversary.

I found it to be such a, an inspiration.

And it, uh, I was like listening to it, like crying, being like, this,

I want that.

I want to work that hard for something.

And I want to do do this.

So, to go from that to doing this with you is

like unbelievable.

Oh, wow.

So, that's why you got it yesterday.

We had to work hard to get this done in time before people go off on vacations and stuff.

And it was like, and they're like, what about last night?

Like, what about Thursday night?

And I was like, I can't.

It's my 20-year anniversary getting passed.

I got to do spots.

And you're like, okay.

You weren't like, come on, man.

He was just like, oh.

No, I totally get it.

Yeah.

And that's like cheesy or whatever, but it's fucking real, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's funny.

I forgot about that podcast, but yeah, I worked hard to get that shit.

you did and now you're and it inspired this out of me dude yeah how about that wow

so maybe this will inspire someone to go eat shitty food in scotland yeah get out there you guys what a fucking glorious never been in the winter i heard it's depressing as

in the winter what would you tell someone to stay away from that's a question i gotta ask everybody oh

um

we don't have to do it interesting uh

avoid anyone wearing a soccer jersey oh yeah they will fight you dude oh my god you want server there yeah

And anyone drinking and playing the slot machine in the bar.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The casino bar.

That thing.

That's a desperate human being.

Oh, my God.

Stay away from them.

They will fuck your shit up.

Guys, it's one of my favorite places in the world, Scotland.

Get out there and go see it.

You got to go.

I have a deep connection to that place, and I'm glad we did this in a place that I've been.

And I love, I love Scotland.

And it's not a country, but it is a country.

God damn, I love Scotland.

So get out there and go fucking see it for yourself, everybody.

Thank you, Toby.

I appreciate it.

Dude, thank you, man.

Yeah, and you'll come back and do another place.

Sure.

Down.

Okay.

Anytime.

Well, that's the episode, everybody.

Thank you very much for tuning in.

Thank you, Toby McMullen, for coming in and doing it.

Don't forget to check out his podcast, Dynamite Rocket Ship, that I'm on

either this week or next week.

But go ahead and subscribe to his and check it out right now.

It was a fun one.

We took callers.

Rarely take callers anymore.

It's a whole radio thing.

Damn, this experience for him in Scotland is interesting because the skateboard life, it's like it really goes to show you it's not the main cities that he's talking about.

It's a different city and it's a different time of his life.

And it's not what most people would tell someone going to Scotland that they got to check out.

So it just gives you a different version of it.

I saw somebody, I'll read comments the first day, especially on YouTube, I saw somebody

post about...

The Somalia episode and say that all he did was he didn't tell me what it's going to be like for me to go to Somalia.

And it's like, no, that's not really what we're doing here.

I'm telling you what they what their time was like.

What you want is

like Lonely Planet, which I'm not against.

Go to Lonely Planet or travel blogs, things like that.

This ain't that.

This is experiential.

So you might glean something that you can do while you're there.

The food to get, shit like that.

Doesn't apply to Somalia as much.

Evil.

But anyway, they're all fun, good stories.

Next week,

appalucci

um

is on the podcast her new special is gonna come out the dark queen i gotta promote that i produced it louisaque directed it very very proud about that and that's out next week so please set your i don't know dvrs vcrs

go to go to netflix and just hit like click the rate to you know watch later kind of shit whatever but and then when you watch it watch it all the way through and if you can't like stay just let it keep playing You can even turn the TV off.

Let it keep playing so it goes all the way through.

That helps the algorithm there.

Comments help here on YouTube.

So leave a comment.

Something about Toby's.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Time in Scotland, or if you've seen Dynamite Rocket Ship, mention something from that, the podcast.

And

yeah, that's it.

Again, my farewell tour.

I'll just run them down.

They're all available at arieshfir.com.

December 13th and 14th in Austin.

Oh, I'll just do cities.

Tahoe, and then January.

Pittsburgh, Providence, Salt Lake City, Brea, Nashville, San Antonio, Tampa, Denver, into March, Schaumburg, Atlanta, Portland, San Jose, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, and in April and June, Seattle, Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton, and June is Alaska.

And then that'll be it for me.

Please subscribe.

Today's episode is produced by the Your Mom's House Network.

Or is it just Your Mom's House Network?

Is that what it is?

Is there a network of houses by your mom?

It sounds like I'm being silly, right?

You ever read yourself be like sarcastic and you're like, I wasn't being sarcastic there.

I wasn't trying to be silly.

I'm legitimately wondering, is it the your mom's house network or is it your mom's house network?

Your mom's house network?

Or is it their accusation, your mom's house network?

Or your mom's house and then the network of those people

Because you kind of I mean the listeners to Segura's podcast would be the your mom's house network Guys none of this matters.

You should have tuned out by now, but let's wrap it up I would like to say before I go that Tony Hinchcliffe I'll be on Kill Tony this week doing something really disgusting.

If you don't like shocking

shock value comedy, then I would stay away from this week's episode because I do something so shocking that actually, Tony, you probably should cut that out.

You should probably cut that out.

It's not right or left.

It's just wrong.

By the way, Tony Hitchcliffe, I should say this, has got a great podcast called Kill Tony.

You should check it out.

If you're there live, it's the best ones to see.

It'll make you laugh.

Tony Hitchcliffe is also a great comedian who will also make you laugh.

He kills in every room he's in.

Occasionally, his stuff gets out to other people who are looking to get angry at things, and then they will get angry, and that's also funny.

But mostly, he's just there to make you laugh.

You can get angry.

That's your right, for sure, as an American.

Almost your responsibility.

There's three types of people in this world, by the way, when it comes to jokes.

There is, and every joke can have a few from each side.

Like Brian Regan said something like that once on We Might Be Drunk.

That I'll be on next week with Adrian.

He goes, if you bomb horribly, one person laughs.

You're like, well, that is funny.

That's one laugh.

That's Brian Regan.

Clean, really legendary comedian Brian Regan.

If you make one person laugh, that is funny.

It resulted in laughter.

So great.

So there's three types of people.

People who laugh, that's generally, you know, especially when you're at a stand-up comedy show.

Not all of my shows, you don't always get mostly laughs.

You got a lot of fucking silence.

Like, what did that even mean?

This guy is too high.

This guy should stop drinking and commit to his act.

No, but you get mostly just laughs.

Sometimes you get just non-laughs, which is not like anger.

That's just like neutral.

That's neither here nor that.

That's when I get political jokes, especially in England.

I'll go to England.

They'll make something about the Tories or the or the or the

There's another party.

And I don't know who they're talking about.

I don't know, so I can't laugh really.

I'm just like, uh,

you know,

but I can hear laughter around me, so it's funny.

It's just doesn't get anything from me.

So, laughter.

Bewilderment, you know,

or just non-laughter.

And then anger is the third one.

anger.

So, you get a bunch of people laughing.

The angry ones are really interesting and kind of funny to me because you get a lot of people actually allowing themselves joy.

And in that same moment, you get people so far past.

I'm sorry, I'm not feeling the joy.

They're just mad.

And I just kind of want to reach out to them and say, You need to go smell some flowers.

You need to probably close your laptop or your iPhone because these guys are just trying to make you laugh.

And it's okay if they don't.

But for you to be angry,

I would say you might be

dorking it up.

You might be too riled up by either politics or something going on in your life, but man, we're all just trying to have a good time.

You should join us.

You should just try to have a good time with us.

It's fun.

It's fun to have a good time.

And it's not fun to be angry.

But I get it.

The internet has made everybody pretty mad at each other.

I think there should be regulations against Marcus Zuckerberg.

Against the people who are like pushing the negative stuff to us at a higher rate than they push the positive stuff.

So it makes people think the world is terrible.

And then you go outside, everyone's kind of smiling and nice to each other.

But everyone's also seeing all these monsters out there because they're on there too much.

This P thing that makes you full of anxiety and anger and really makes you turn against your friends.

Now, the audience shouldn't know that because you guys are dumb.

That's fine.

You're not really in the day-to-day.

You just, you're like, wow, it made me mad.

But you should look at your sources.

You should look at if you actually just watched a comedy set and were angered by it.

You might be a drunk lady, drunk white lady at a comedy show.

Or you might have been shown something saying look how mad you should be at this and then you did get mad at it so you fell into the trap which i fall into too of uh you know being angry because of the internet which helps you be on there more which helps them sell ads to you more uh they're using you as a product you're turning against your friends

so you can be a product to the facebook corporations instagram facebook and then youtube as well uh it's a separate corporation but then they're pushing things to make you mad and you're falling into it and i fall into it a lot um so i'm not any better than you.

I'm just telling you, we're all having a good time.

You should join us

until next week, everybody.

When Adrian Appalucci, probably my favorite comedian in the world, comes on, I'm very, very proud of her new special coming out that I helped make.

Cheerio, how do you say goodbye in Scotland?

Taps aff?

No, that's how you say take your shirt off.

Anyway, Chow?

No.

Lee's Rhodes?

No.

Bye.

Goodbye.

No, I'll say it in Scarlet.

See?

It's it's funny to make fun of people.