Around The World w/ Harland Williams | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

This podcast is supported by Progressive, a leader in RV Insurance.

RVs are for sharing adventures with family, friends, and even your pets.

So, if you bring your cats and dogs along for the ride, you'll want Progressive RV Insurance.

They protect your cats and dogs like family by offering up to $1,000 in optional coverage for vet bills in case of an RV accident, making it a great companion for the responsible pet owner who loves to travel.

See Progressive's other benefits and more when you quote RV Insurance at progressive.com today.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, pet injuries, and additional coverage and subject to policy terms.

I got to come with an opening.

I do an opening every time.

I try to think of a Simpson different one.

Oh, great.

You want to help me think of one?

Yeah, I love openings.

I've done like made with 100% recyclable material, only podcasts made with that, only podcasts

made by Ukrainian refugee.

It's just like whatever.

So, what this podcast is constructed with?

No, it's just a travel podcast, or I'm like, only podcast endorsed by the Green Party.

Oh, I see.

How about

the only podcast in support

of murdering endangered species?

Because no one's doing that.

It's almost an untouched, you know, like when they're like, it might not be the number one thing, but if you're the only guy in that market.

You're doing it.

Yeah.

Which makes you stand out, sort of.

Like, hey, there's an olive-speckled sea turtle.

There's only three left.

And then your, you know, your Birkenstock comes down on the back of its head, and suddenly you're in the news.

And people are like, that reminds me of Ari and his UB Trippin' podcast.

Yeah, so is that one?

Murder and endangered movie.

Yeah.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome to UB Trippin'.

It's a travel podcast.

Every week, me and a guest go somewhere interesting around the world.

It's the only podcast

that is built on murdering endangered species.

And today, my guest is none other than

one of the best lawyers in Los Angeles recently, turned stand-up comedia.

Harlan Williams, Esquire.

Thanks for being here, bud.

Dude, if you need any litigation done or you need jokes, I'm your guy.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, I'm happy to do either.

I can work you through your divorce.

I can work you through a car crash.

Or if you need some knock-knock jokes or material about relationships, dogs, all-in-one show.

Funerals.

Yeah.

Yeah, I bet if you do like divorce law and then like get jokes from that.

Sure.

You know, relationships.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your murdered wife.

My murdered wife, who?

You did it.

You're going to jail.

You know, this type of thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not what you want from your lawyer, though.

Well, he's, I do lawyer and jokes.

Oh, right, right, right.

That's just what you want.

Yeah.

You're laughing your way at incarceration.

What's incarceration mean?

Jailed.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm a lawyer.

I don't use those big words.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like imagine you're in a car.

Yeah.

You know, but then like laceration is like an uncomfortable thing.

You have a laceration in your car.

You want to be there.

So that's how prison feels.

Incarceration almost sounds like a new type of vape, too.

Like the new

raspberry blast incarceration.

Get cancer, but do it with color.

Maybe that's your business thing.

Maybe.

I'm into the murdered fucking endangered species.

This podcast supports that.

Sure does.

Incarceration vapes.

You know, I could see going on Safari with you and we go to Tasmania or Australia and we find one of those

weird, remember those dogs, the tiger wolves or the tiger dogs, the Australian, there's only like supposed to be extinct.

Oh, yeah.

No, it's like it's like a Tasmania devil?

No,

it's a type of, it was like the tiger wolf or something.

Okay.

And they said it went extinct in like the 30s and they have a film of it, but I could they there's rumors that they're still out there and i could see me and you going on safari and then we see one and you put on your birkenstocks and put its head on a curb in melbourne and then stomp on the back of its skull yeah murdenstocks i call it murder stocks murdenstocks yeah great also my doctor by the way

phil murdenstock beverly hills how's he doing 5296 maple drive fourth floor and i don't endorse him he's just a friend nice you just hang out there yeah that's just his address.

It's all right.

Nothing's better than getting a doctor to

tell you specifics about a patient's by name.

Like go over that oath they have and just say, hey, that's like an NDA.

We don't really hold by them.

Who even uses that word oath anymore?

Yeah.

It sounds like a health food.

Would you like some more

blueberry on your oath?

You know, just forget it.

I kind of want to bring oath back.

How about oath meal?

How about oath meal?

I'll both some.

I'm going to to do a hot pole of that right now.

I believe you promised my agent oath meal when I was here.

Dude, I'm going to start using the word oath.

I'm going to start being like, did you really go there?

I'm like, I give you this oath that I did.

Isn't it funny how oath is so close to oaf, which is another word you never hear?

Like, has anyone ever called you a lazy oaf?

No, it would hurt if some white lady was like, move, you oaf.

I'd be like, it's hurtful.

You know what I'm going to do right now, Ari?

And I don't care what your audience says,

I'm going to take an oath to never call you an oaf.

That's from the heart.

Thanks, bud.

That's what I do.

You want to go punch a three-nosed Indonesian mole?

There's only six left.

If you die before me,

I'm going to speak at your funeral and said he was a man true to his word.

Or I'm going to be like, this man was a damn liar.

He called me oaf constantly.

Doesn't matter.

I'll be laying in a coffin staring at the ceiling fan.

My eyes coagulating and tiny maggot

larvae forming, eating my corneas and my pupils and making slurping sounds and distracting you so you can't even finish making an oath.

That would distract me at your funeral.

All that stuff happening?

Checkmate.

Arlen,

what do you want to talk about today?

Where are we going?

I think we're done, Guy.

I think you know that.

I think there's nowhere to go from maggots eating my eyes.

You know, you said, hey, guy, let's talk about travel.

Yeah.

And we've all traveled.

We've all been to different countries and places.

And

I have really a very spectacular trip that happened to me

that was one trip, but encompassed the whole globe.

No way, really?

Yeah.

And if you want to stick to one country, I'll abide by that.

But this trip was so spectacular, I thought you might be inspired or it might be interesting.

Well, I'll tell you what, I usually do is go to a place, and it might even be a city, Paris, but then I'll be like France.

I'll go to the country.

How about Earth?

Earth, that's a country.

Yeah, you'll be the, well, it'll be the only one that's ever been to, like, that'll be you, your thing.

Yeah.

By the way, why isn't there a tree named that?

Earth?

I mean, we've got pine trees.

We do have pine, but we've got birch trees.

We got, I mean.

But why would the tree be?

Well, shouldn't every country have a tree?

God damn it, dude.

I told myself I was going to fall for one of these today.

Fucking shit.

It's just a woodsy question.

It's and you live in a city, so maybe you don't know woodsy questions.

See, look, those look like trees to me.

That's definitely a tree.

Oh, it's moist.

Is that sap or is that excitement?

What?

You're sapping the energy out of this room right now.

Wow, that is swollen, dude.

I fucked some was there a woodpecker on that just before they took this picture?

Oh, yeah.

That's a tree right there.

What do we got here?

This one looks like a knot.

Oh, not bad.

That one's got wood.

Look, there's an anus tree down on the bottom left.

That's definitely an anus tree.

What a fuckable tree, bro.

Have you ever seen a tree take a shit?

You will.

Come visit.

it.

It's even pink.

Look at that.

It looks like a bad one.

It looks like a real

school newspaper one.

It must be fall because the clit's changing color.

It's all red and pink.

This is pretty nice.

I didn't know this would go down that way.

A simple Google image search would yield such rewards.

There, if you scroll back up, I think I saw one doing a spread eagle right there.

And there's a

look, right there, there's a gynecologist, a wild gynecologist.

Whoa,

what the hell?

Whoa,

noise.

Wow.

Oh, he's getting in there.

Is that Minnie Driver?

Who is that?

What is that?

The one with the hat or the one?

I don't know.

Dude.

Wow.

I hope that tree doesn't get diarrhea because that guy's going to be killed.

He's going to get sprayed.

Wow.

He's going to root.

Wow.

Alex Haley tree.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Okay.

Sorry, man.

So

here's what happened.

I like to travel.

We all like to travel.

When'd you get into it?

Were you always when you were a young lad growing up in Kitchener?

Were you.

When I was a young lad,

this was my modus operandi, and that's the lawyer in me talking.

I

emerged as a young'un in the world on earth.

Yeah.

And

I was born in Toronto and I had my environment with the silent N.

And as a young boy, I knew I was on a planet full of treasures and just exotic places.

And I thought,

this is my home.

And it's like if I bought a house, I would want to go go in every room.

That's a good way to put it.

And this earth is my home.

I live here.

I want to try and go in as many rooms as I can.

So as a young boy, I thought, I want to live a life where I can see the world and go into as many rooms as I can and have experiences.

And so I always had my eye on traveling.

And so I did.

I would go here and there, and I'd been to many places.

But then one day I went on this incredible journey that stemmed from a piece of junk mail.

Okay.

So I went down to my mailbox one day at the end of my driveway,

and I reached in, and you get all these, you know, the coupons for the grocery stores and all the junk mail.

And I was throwing them in the garbage, and there was one pamphlet, and it said National Geographic on it, which to me is still one of the sort of the more pure brand names in the world, you know?

Yeah.

If you think National Geographic, you think sort of classy and educational.

Yeah, they haven't fallen.

There's no swimsuit issue.

Yeah.

They do have tits, though, sometimes.

Sometimes they do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Never white tits.

No, no.

No, but it really exposes your

nice to see some, you know, a tribe in Cleveland or a tribe down in, you know,

Houston.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, why is it always going to be the Umgagala tribe in Rwanda or something?

Yeah, have a one-neckless naked chick instead of a 10.

Really racist.

Really racist.

But they never went woke, which is nice.

Yeah.

But it was a pure magazine.

It was sort of pure, and it was one of those brand names where you associate it with quality, right?

So now I got this pamphlet, and I just thought it was garbage, and I literally was throwing it towards the garbage can.

I was just about to take my fingers off it.

And I just went, something went National Geographic, and I pulled it back.

Garbage can't.

It was a garbage cant moment.

Yeah.

And I looked at it, and I still have it.

I brought the pamphlet.

I'm going to show it to you.

Oh, hell yeah.

And it said, National Geographic trip around the world in a private jet in 26 days.

And I went, wait a minute.

I opened this pamphlet up, and there they show a map of all your destinations from Easter Island to Nepal to Africa to India to Tahiti to Egypt.

Like, it was everywhere.

And I go, this has got to be a million dollars.

I'd never seen anything like this.

Yeah.

They have the price in there.

I look $35,000.

First-class, private jet.

Private jet.

And I just did the math and I went, wait.

And then it was three days in each place at a five-star hotel.

Everything included meals.

They handle your luggage.

They handle your passports.

Resorts.

They arrange day trips for you every day.

29 days?

26 days.

26 days.

Wait, wow.

I mean, it's pricey, but also cheap.

If you tried to do that on your own

around the world in a month, and it was like, what, 16, 17 locations?

Yeah, no way.

Also, the planning is worth fucking 10 grand.

So the planning, and then not only that, but they included on the flight, they had these experts like naturalists, scientists.

We had a TV show host, Boyd Madsen, who hosted National Geographic, the Explorer.

And these guys would give lectures on the plane in between these flights.

So I'm going to show you the pamphlet

because I saved it.

It's pretty hilarious.

Hi, guys.

I just got to break in real quick to let you know that Harlan Williams is a tremendous stand-up comic.

He's got his own podcast called The Harlem Highway, and he's got a tour coming.

You can see him coming up in Ontario, Canada.

where he is a mega god.

You can also see him in Stanford, Connecticut, Huntsville, Alabama, Portland, Oregon.

Go to harlotwilliams.com for tickets.

For myself, I've got my farewell tour that is going on sale October 16th is the pre-sale.

Promo code Ari.

I'll be in the following cities: Tahoe, Pittsburgh, Providence, Salt Lake City, Brea, Nashville, New Jersey, Tampa, Denver will be a best of week.

Schaumburg, Atlanta, Portland, Jacksonville, San Jose, Fort Lauderdale, Seattle, Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, and then maybe Dallas, San Antonio, Spokane, or Boise, probably one of those.

All tickets will be at ari shafir.com.

Promo code Ari.

That will be, oh, and Alaska, Anchorage, Alaska will be the final gig.

That's it.

I will not be adding any more tour dates until 2027, so hurry up and get them.

Tickets are arishair.com.

Subscribe wherever you listen if you like this podcast.

We're almost 100,000 subscribers,

and it will be pretty great.

Once I get there, Tom Segura said he will finally respect me as an equal.

Ed, sign up for the Patreon, patreon.com slash youby trippin.

That's it.

Let's get back to this fucking crazy episode.

I had no idea he was such a good traveler.

This is fucking awesome.

Let's get back to it.

Look at this.

I don't know if you want to hold it up or look.

Around the world in a private jet.

God damn.

Yeah, and that wild.

What?

So it was once

a Picchu, Easter Island, Tahiti, Great Barrier Reef, Anchor Watt, Kamundu, Tajmo.

Damn.

Victoria Falls.

I mean, these are the Luxor and the Great Pyramids.

Petra.

Istanbul.

What the fuck?

Is that crazy?

The lost city of Petra.

God damn it.

There's no way these drunks.

I mean, these are like.

Yeah.

Petra's here.

Yeah.

And then like Tahiti's fucking there.

Yeah.

What the fuck, bro?

Easter Island's the second most remote place on the planet.

Easter Island.

Easter Island's, I think, like, let's just say there.

Yeah, right.

It's just, you can't even see it.

It's so remote.

Wait, wow.

I got to take pictures of all these.

Yeah, take pictures, and it shows

the route.

It shows the map.

And it shows the price.

Like, it's just crazy.

When Hiram Bingham discovered the lost city of Inca in 1911, he turned to the National Geographic.

So they took you to the fucking Machu Picchu.

Went to Machu Picchu, and I'll tell you.

And there's all this National Geographic, like info about it.

Oh, yeah.

And they did lectures, and we stayed at the best resorts.

We stayed at the best.

Look at this.

This is the route.

Yeah, that's the route.

Oh, my God.

It's London, Istanbul, then down to fucking

Africa, up to India, anchor what?

Great.

It's the Great Barrier Reef?

Great Barrier Reef to Heat.

Wait.

This story doesn't end with you not doing it, right?

No, I did it.

Okay, great.

I did it.

Fucking great.

That's what I'm here to tell you about my life is not following up on this.

It's like one trip, but it's multiple trips in one.

So how do you do it?

You just signed, you just like wrote them back on the back of it?

I didn't believe it, really.

I thought this mathematically, economically, doesn't make sense so i phoned them and they said yeah man it's and i think it's the first year what year was this when was this it says it on there i think it's 20 2003 yeah april 2nd to 26 2003.

so i reached out to them and i think this is the first time they ever did it and so i think they were testing the water and so i phoned i go is this and they go yeah and i signed up

and i went so now we're on this private jet all first class seating, a chef on the jet.

We get to land.

Oh, this is the jet.

This is the jet.

I mean, it's a real plane.

This is like a 10-seater.

First-class leather seats.

Leather seats.

Leather seats.

And that was just on the toilets in the bathroom.

I want to read these terms.

I'm not going to read them all.

There's something in here, like, also your soul.

Yeah.

It's so much.

Wow.

Isn't that wild?

Okay, so

call them, and then how did it go from there?

So, here we go.

We go on the thing and they send us a thing we have to fill out.

We have to fill out a you know questionnaire for the whole trip, right?

Yeah, what's your name?

Okay, and you know, you know, they say, Well, how do you want to be addressed?

You know, me, I'm a goofball.

How do you want to be addressed?

It's a bad question to ask you.

So, this is also pre-pronounced.

This is just like it's just, I mean,

your honor.

I mean, what do you choose?

Can I switch switch per continent?

So

you lived in L.A.

for a long time.

Did you ever do the tonight show over at NBC in the Valley?

No, I went by there for a strike once, but that's about it.

I was shuttling people during a strike to get my card.

The Tonight Show used to be shot in the Valley on Olive in Burbank.

And right across from the Tonight Show, there was this little dumpy burger stand for years since I moved there.

It's gone now, but it was called

Juicy Harvey's.

So when I filled out the thing, I didn't think it would amount to anything.

So they said name, and I wrote Juicy Harvey just as a throwaway, right?

So we get to South America.

We're in Lima on the first night, and we're in this exotic ancient temple, and they're throwing a first meet-and-greet.

There's 70 of us.

And it's mostly older, retired couples.

I'm the only young, single dude.

And they made name tags for all of us.

So here's Carol Smith from Delaware.

Here's Jack Johnson from Cleveland.

And all of a sudden, here's me, Juicy Harvey.

They made my name tag, Juicy Harvey.

They made a name tag for you.

Everyone had them.

Oh, my God.

And so at the meet and greet, people were like, oh, hi.

Juicy.

And I was like, I didn't want to.

So, yeah, that's my name.

So for the whole trip, people were calling me the juice.

Dude.

Like, all these old people were calling me the juice, right?

And in South America, it's wheezy.

Yeah.

And then, and then.

Uh-oh, what happened?

Nothing, just making sure.

Oh, God.

We're good.

Go ahead.

So the other thing, the other element of it was, you know, I had done, you know, as you know, movies and TV and stuff like that.

I had a little notoriety.

Yeah, you had your own claymation show, which is rare.

And I wanted to be under the radar.

I just wanted to go on this trip and be anonymous.

That's sort of why I did the Juicy Harvey thing.

And so these older people didn't really know who I was, which was great.

Oh, yeah.

And so they started asking me, like, well, you seem younger than how are you doing this?

And I said, oh, I come from really rich parents, and they just wanted to get rid of me.

And they sent me on this trip.

And they were just, they're all confused.

And I was just making up story after story.

It was like Charles Darwin.

Yeah.

And so we do the meet and greet and then off we go to Machu Picchu.

Yeah.

And have you ever done cocaine?

Yeah.

Okay, I've never done it and I never really did it, but I sort of did it.

It's great.

Well, I'll tell you what, you go up to Machu Picchu, which is they worship the sun.

Yeah.

And you're at elevation.

You can hardly take three steps without needing to catch your breath.

And for some reason, when they greet you there, there's these old ladies with bald dogs.

The dogs have no hair.

Really?

If you had a roguing line for canines, get down there, you'll make a fortune.

But they got bald dogs, and they greet you with bags of cocoa leaves.

And you're like, What the hell is this?

And they go, Oh, you put the cocoa leaves in your gums, it helps your blood circulate and helps with the elevation.

'Cause some people actually get elevation sickness.

Yeah.

So now I'm up at Machu Picchu, this this temple in the skies,

up in the Andes, up in the mountains, and the clouds are going by, and I can barely breathe.

And I'm like, you know, when in Rome, gargle or whatever the saying is.

So I start shoving cocoa leaves up into my gums.

I've never done coke.

I brought my sketchbook and here I'm sitting in this ancient temple.

Like in the middle of all this?

In the middle of this.

I was sitting right about there.

Wow.

And I'm literally, there's all these bizarre South American insects, like centipedes and millipedes.

Here's me with my little sketchbook.

I'm tripping on these cocoa leaves in my gums.

I look like a baseball player, you know.

And I'm sketching these crazy millipedes.

I felt like Alice in Wonderland up there.

You could feel it?

I could feel it.

It was wonderful.

Wow.

That's the only time I've ever done anything like cocaine or whatever.

That's also got to be the most, like, the way to do it.

The uncut, no baby powder.

No, just the raw leaves.

I think there are even some inchworm eggs on one of them and I got a parasite, but it was just, it was like beautiful.

Damn.

Did it affect your writing?

You're like sketching?

Not really.

It just made it sort of really fluid and really like, you know, I almost couldn't draw because I got so enamored with the insects.

I was just like, you know,

they're crawling around.

There's something to be up there when you're like up in some remote place like that.

And then it's like where even the insects become interesting.

You know what I mean?

It's just like, it's so foreign that you notice the minutia.

Well, not only that, the insects up there are very exotic and weird

and huge.

They can get really big and colorful, and they almost look like they crawled out of Steven Spielberg's beard or something.

They're so nutty and yeah, or maybe out of his pubis.

I don't know where they came from but

oh my god you have a mini journal yeah I keep it in my pocket usually but then it's like when I have a note I gotta like just for your smaller ideas

yeah and then I transform to a bigger notebook when it's a bigger idea

that's the smallest little

yeah I just started this one mini journal tear away pages wow

For real, it's because I was like texting if I had like a thought, but then everyone's like, or like writing a notebook, but then people are like, are you texting, ignoring me?

God.

When I do this, no one thinks I'm being rude.

I love it.

Mini journal.

Most guide.

They're discontinuing these.

It's killed me.

I bought like 200.

You did?

Yeah, they're like, oh, we don't make those anymore.

And then every time I'm at Bodega, I see him.

I'm like, give me all, everyone you have.

Oh, you must have a lot of small ideas.

You want one?

I'd love one.

I got you a parting gift then.

Wow.

All right, let's get back to it.

Yeah.

I don't want to get sidetracked by this fucking sweet Most Guy notebook.

I've thanked Most Guide in every special I've ever done.

Wow.

Wow.

But,

I mean, you could literally.

I love how you went from machu picchu with cocoa leaves in your mouth, looking at these exotic insects to, whoa, a notebook?

Well, there's so many.

If you put cinnamon on those and put them in the oven and bake them, you could have a bunch of mini wheats, like cinnamon mini wheats.

They're the same shape, the same.

Like, put some milk on them and get some really good fiber.

Because how many pages are in that?

About 50, 40.

Oh, you could be like an anus tree, just shitting for hours.

Yeah.

So there we go, my guy.

Did you have to shit up there?

What?

Did you have to shit up there?

Segue.

Oh, at Machu Picchu?

Yeah.

Are there shit?

They worshiped gods up there.

But what do you do if you got to go?

They worship the sun gods.

You don't go manure up there.

That's for gods.

You don't shit in god country, guy.

Do they tell you, like, before we get up there?

No, you know, you go, you, you squat down over a rock or a log up there, you're going to get hit by lightning.

I mean, that's.

Wow.

They went all the way up there to worship the sun.

Like, you pull down your pants, instant melanoma on your ass, on your nuts, on your mushroom cap.

You know, have you ever had melanoma on your mushroom cap?

No, it makes it black.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it sort of becomes almost a biracial wiener.

Maybe that's what happened to Luis Gomez.

His is bicolored.

Is it?

Yeah, it's very, it's the most interesting dick I've ever seen.

Also, if you don't want to do the cancer thing, you can slam your wiener in a minivan door, and it'll be the most outrageous purples and yellows, almost like when a peacock displays.

I call mine the Rainbow Warrior after I slam it in a minivan door, but that's yeah, you take a lot of shuttles from like sometimes at festivals, they'll pick you up and watch it.

Oh, at the airport?

Yeah.

Because they're so boring, the ride to the airport.

So if I slam my meat in the minivan door on the way, I can just stare down at it, and it's almost like looking at a kaleidoscope of cut.

Oh, if you're gonna laugh, maybe this isn't the travel show for me.

No, I was remembering like a comedy festival, sorry.

Okay, just think of a Tommy Tiernan bit.

Great, Great Dane.

Dog species.

Just threw it in for no reason.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to offend you, sir.

I'm really sorry.

I know you took out a time of your day.

I got a dog species out.

All right.

So you're right here.

What did you do?

You just walked around and finally got to meet.

So walked around, and it was hard to breathe.

You could hardly take any step.

And I just doodled.

I doodled tweaked out on cocoa leaves.

You got any of the doodles?

Yeah, they're at home.

I didn't bring them with me.

But one thing I do, which you can either say no to or yes to, is when I travel, one of the things they do is I write poetry.

I write poems to capture the moment and the emotion and the feeling I'm feeling.

And

I brought three poems today.

We can read none of them or one of them or whatever you want, but I did do one

at the end of this trip to encapsulate the whole journey.

And if you want later, when we get to to the end of the story, I can read it to you or not.

I don't want to overwhelm.

Well, let me think it over because I don't know if the audience can handle a poem.

I don't either.

I don't either.

Let me think about it.

First thought, no way.

But let me think about it.

Yeah, think about it.

We've got to factor in the audience.

And you brought the poems.

Well, there's three, but one is in particular about this.

And we can read that or not, or there's three.

It's up to you.

What are the other two about?

Well, the other one's about the essence of the energy of Africa, is one of my favorite, which is one of the places.

Yeah.

And the third one's about the silverback gorillas, which I climbed up the volcano in Rwanda and had an encounter with a band of silverback gorillas.

And it's a poem about the might and the majesty of these great beasts.

Today's episode.

There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meets on the National Mall.

Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Where there's something new for everyone to discover.

There's only one DC.

Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Episode of You Be Tripping is brought to you by Hello Tushy.

Guys, it's a bidet.

Do you take horrible dumps?

Do you take dumps that people talk about later in comedy circles?

And people go, did you see what Ari left in the fucking toilet?

Well, imagine what's left on your asshole.

Lots of shit.

Lots of smeary shit that'll end up in your underpants.

Wiping alone is not good enough.

My friend told me once, try spilling some Coca-Cola on a table and then just taking a dry cloth and wiping it off.

Table's still sticky.

That's what's happening with your asshole.

Well, Hello Tushie has a fucking cure.

It's wads of fucking water right up your butt.

Holy water, you might say, except it's not been blessed by a priest, but it has been blessed by the demon who put shit out of your ass.

Hello tushi's got you covered.

Literally, I have one at home.

It fucking shoots water up your ass, kind of gets in there, cleans all the fucking garbage out, and then it comes out.

What's fun is if you get the right angle, because you can move the angle on some of them, get it right up into the hole so your asshole kind of fills with water.

And then when you're done, it just kind of pours out.

It's fun.

It's not erotic, but I could see a world in which it would become erotic.

But that's not what they're about.

They're just about cleaning your shit.

Every Hello Tushi bidet comes with a 30-day hassle-fee return and a 12-month warranty.

That's 12.

That's a year.

It's time to ditch toilet paper and finally fill shower fresh with hello tushie for a limited time my listeners get 10 off their first bidet order when use the promo code trippin' at checkout yeah it's 10 off your first bidet

uh use hello tushie.com with promo code trippin' hi everybody today's episode of you be trippin' is brought to you by shopify.com let them set up your online platform to sell whatever you want to sell they have uh stuff that fills out everything and if you want to use shopify once it'll just like fill in all the blanks so you can use it again and uh not have to take your credit card out in the subway while people are watching you waiting to steal your credit card.

Whatever you want to sell.

What I do is I take artifacts from other countries, I steal them.

When there's a sign saying, hey, it's a curse on that, don't take it.

I steal them, bring them back home to America, and I sell them online.

And you can do that too.

You can bring fruits that the American government won't let you bring back in.

You smuggle it in and you sell them online.

But I'm all about the artifacts.

And this thing, I don't think is any curse at all.

I think it's all coming up roses for us.

Upgrade your business to get the same checkout we use with Shopify.

Sign up right now for a $1 per month free trial at shopify.com slash trippin', all lowercase.

Go to shopify.com slash trippin' to upgrade your selling today.

Shopify.com slash trippin'.

For real, guys, whatever you want to sell.

Disgusting or fucking nice, use Shopify.

They'll get you there.

Let's get back to the episode.

Harlan.

All right, how do you want to do this?

Should we go place by place you went or just check out the highlights or how do you want to do it?

Whatever you want.

We can skip over ones if it's too long.

No, no, this is the most epic trip I've ever heard of in my life.

Isn't it wild?

Yeah, this is fucking nuts.

We ain't in Bakersfield anymore, gang.

Which camera am I looking at?

Buddy, you can do whichever one you want.

If you look at that one, no one will know.

Give it a hard look to that camera that won't pick you up right now.

Oh, if you guys could see that one.

Oh, you can see it.

It's fucking deep.

Yeah.

Okay.

So next spot, my gosh.

Wait, so you started in.

Where is this?

Machu Peaches, South America.

Macha's South America.

But that's the end.

That was our first stop.

Oh, you went from Washington, D.C.

down this way.

Yeah.

Oh, these arrows mean direction.

Yeah, that's okay, my guy.

Yeah.

Sometimes think arrows mean you get hit by Native American during a war.

Oh, is there any of that in this trip?

It's not in the pamphlet.

Maybe.

Okay, so Machu Picchu to Easter Island.

Easter Island.

The second most remote place on the planet.

It's off of South America somewhere.

But it's so small that you could make...

Do you ever pick your nose and flick it or like spit like a piece of parsley in your tooth or anything?

So you might have done that and hit your map and that could be mistaken for Easter Island.

Because you look like you probably spit around the house.

I love the

I'll wipe it underneath tables.

Let it fucking bring joy to someone later.

Boarding school guy.

I like.

There you go.

I like these little islands.

If it wasn't marked, you would just be like, how would anyone have ever found it?

Right.

You know, like if you're on a map and you know, like, if like if you're on Google Maps and you create something, and then it's like, I don't know, the cook island, it goes up.

But then if you like, make it go smaller, it's just like, it's gone, it's disappeared.

How the fuck would these like

discovered it?

So here we are

in a private jet being served lobster and

teriyaki steak,

and we're flying to the second most remote place in the world, an island the size of one of Pippi Longstocking's ass freckles.

And we're approaching on our fuel, one of the most violent, darkest looking storms I've ever seen in my life has

encircled the island.

And so the pilot comes on and he goes, folks, we're low on gas.

We can't land.

We're going to go around in circles for about two hours, and we're just like, well, there's nowhere else to go.

This is the second most remote.

Sure enough, this storm doesn't move.

It starts to get dark.

The pilot comes on.

He says, folks, we got no options.

We land in the dark in one of the most scary-looking storms I've ever seen on an island no bigger than a zit on Chelsea Clinton's fucking eyelid.

I mean, it's nowhere.

It's nowhere.

Like, we got nowhere to go.

We can't even find the Bermuda Triangle at this point.

If we go down, we might as well be a training bra at the bottom of Dolly Parton's panty drawer.

Yeah.

How big is this eyelid?

Like when you're on it, could you walk across it?

You could almost.

I mean, you had to drive it, but it wasn't big.

I forget the square mileage.

How was the landing?

It was terrifying.

But it made it.

That's what it's all about.

I mean, yeah, you're there.

There's no, like, let's divert to fucking.

Sorry, we got to go back to four hours from here.

I asked for adventure, and Johnny Tumbleweed got it.

So now we land on this place that's a microcosm of our planet.

What do you mean?

So

when Easter Island was created, when it grew out of the sea, it became its own tropical paradise.

Palm trees, jungles.

It was its own ecosystem.

It was inhabited by natives who lived there, who got there from the French Polynesian islands.

And they they settled there.

But then eventually the white man cometh.

The Dutch landed there.

Oh, was it all friendly?

The white people came, and sure enough, the whole island was decimated.

All the foliage, everything was cut down.

This island.

Yeah, it had its own species of palm tree called

the Easter Island Palm, and there was one left.

And in a show of dominance and and superiority, the king cut it down one day to show that he was the leader.

And now it's just a barren, it looks like an empty wheat field, and they don't even have seeds saved from these trees.

And so now this is sort of a microcosm of our planet that if you keep pecking away and destroying at it, it becomes a wasteland.

It's very fascinating study

in your environment.

Fuck.

No, thanks.

I'm busy.

That's

disappointing.

It is disappointing.

And to see that they destroyed it.

But meanwhile, they had these giant monolithic statues that they're sort of like the pyramids.

They don't know how they move them around.

They don't know how necessarily they...

Some people even say they were transported there by UFOs.

I don't believe in that, but...

But they thought for centuries that it was just the, you know, from the head down to the torso.

Yeah, yeah.

And then they started excavating and they they found out that the whole body was down underground.

The way I remember it was just those heads.

Yeah, but there's a whole, their whole bodies were underground, so they're three times the size that anybody thought.

I stood right there.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You stood right at the base of that.

I stood right in front of that.

It felt like I was with my hockey team in high school, but isn't that something?

Wow.

And they just stare up at the sky.

And they're very haunting.

Look how big they are compared to the folks.

The Folks are way close in this one.

Yeah, and

they're very enchanting and mysterious.

And they're all over the island.

Can you get right up to, can you touch one?

I went up on that thing and I got admonished.

They yelled at me.

You're not allowed up on the platform, which I didn't know.

So here's me standing with, you know, the Stone family, and they yelled at me.

How big, like, if you're on it, getting admonished, I would have done the same thing.

How high up do you get on one?

What do you mean?

Like, if if you're touching it, can you reach out and touch the shoulder?

No, no, you're down at their belly button.

Like, you're just like.

You're right down there.

Yeah.

Are you even as big as the mouse here?

You could probably get halfway up to the bottom of their hand, I think.

If you're standing?

Yeah, like maybe to the bottom of the hand.

They're huge.

Wow.

They're huge things.

And then they uncovered them all.

And they're very mysterious.

These are very organized, but what's interesting is they're dotted all over the island.

Yeah.

They're here, they're there.

You could be walking through a field and all of a sudden there's one by itself.

Then there's like eight or nine of them.

They're fascinating.

Damn.

Oh, really?

They're separate places.

They're all around, yeah.

And they're just, it's a volcanic island.

And how long did you stay there for?

Every spot was three, three days.

Three days.

And then you just, before you knew it, you were moving.

And it was just like, boom, boom.

So, there was so much good energy.

Wow.

How was everybody else on the thing?

How were they feeling?

They were good.

They were, you know, they were older people.

Yeah.

And what was interesting, Ari, is I tried to remain in anonymity.

And as we started progressing to all these spots, you know, we had to move in a group.

And then once you're in the group, you could spike off and go hiking, do your own thing, or you could stay in a group activity.

But we started going to these exotic places like India, Africa, Machu Picchu, Easter Island.

And inevitably, everywhere we went, people would walk up to me and go, Can we have a picture with you?

And now all the old people are going, We're in the middle of nowhere, and all the young people are going, Juicy, do you know these people?

And I was like, Yeah, yeah, they're from my neighborhood.

They're old, just a fluke.

And everywhere we go, people are asking to take pictures with, and slowly but surely, when we got halfway around the world, they start figuring out, okay, what's going on with this guy?

Something's going on with the juice.

And then they started to figure out.

He's got a backstory.

Yeah,

Boyd Mattson.

Oh, damn.

That's so funny.

Yeah.

How is it when you're so when you're like, this is when I travel, like one of the best parts is complete anonymity.

Yeah.

It's for the first time in a while.

There's no one's even looking at you.

I'm not famous.

I'm just, but every once in a while, they'll take me out of it.

Yeah.

Just walking around New York or something.

That first half of it must have been just fun.

And also, this is the height of 2003.

This is like something about Marriott just came out recently.

Yeah, all my movies.

The TV show.

TV show, Dumb and Dumber, my comedy specials, half-baked, Rocket Man, like everything.

Oh, yeah.

Like, so people.

This was the time.

And this was the thing, Ari, where I re this is where I realized the power of movies.

You know, when I was in the States, I was like, oh, yeah, a kid in Cleveland recognized me at the mall.

There's someone after the show wants an autograph.

I did not expect to go to Africa.

And on the doorstep of the Taj Mahal in India, some Indian people recognizing me.

Just yelling out six-minute abs at you.

Yeah, and all the different movies.

And I realized the power of the reach that movies have.

It really, it really blew my mind.

It was very fast.

And I'm not even a high-level celebrity or anything.

I'm just a guy who did a few movies.

But just in that, it was like, holy smokes.

Yeah.

Because TV shows really are just stay regional.

Yeah, like unless you're massive, like Friends or Seinfeld, but the movies of all things really, wow, it was, it blew my mind.

Yeah.

I was in Israel and Groundhog Day came out there.

Yeah.

But they don't have Groundhog Day.

That's not a holiday yet.

Yeah.

So it was called I'll See You Again Tomorrow.

Wow.

Also the name of my last wife.

That's her full name?

Yeah.

Was she like in some sort of cult?

No, we just got divorced.

She said, I'll see you again tomorrow.

And I'm like, please, no.

No, just

you got it all.

Johnny Tumble.

Just got a roll.

Tumble would be tumbling.

So you stayed there for three days.

Is there any place you wanted to stay longer where you're like, fuck, I'm not done yet?

You know, it was just the perfect amount.

And what was great about these organizers at National Geographic, they kept us moving.

Like, you think three days wouldn't be enough, but we'd land.

We'd get to Tahiti.

They go, hey, you want to go diving?

We found a plane wreck.

You want to go diving on a sunken airplane?

and we're like yeah i think i do so now i'm snorkeling around a sunken plane you know or they say you can just stay at the hotel and lounge whatever you want but they always had stuff for us

god damn so it was amazing

cool yeah so you went from there okay yeah so then we wow went to tahiti that's where we did the uh we did the snorkeling with the with the with a crashed airplane Oh, you snorkeled around.

It was shallow.

Yeah, it was probably about 25 feet down, but it was haunting and weird.

And just, you know, the stories that fill your head.

Were they drug runners?

Was it just a

guy flying a plane had an epileptic fit?

Like, did they hit a flamingo or a gay duck?

Whatever you want to call it.

You could go down and touch it and stuff and kind of swim down.

Yeah, you could swim right down.

If you wanted to be an idiot, you could have gotten in the cockpit and pretended you were a play pilot and then drowned.

But there's something weird about being around an airplane and a school of fish go by.

It just doesn't compute.

You know, like aeronautics and fish underwater, it's such a

two opposite world.

Yeah, it almost makes you have an underwater seizure and want to kill yourself on a poisonous rockfish.

I've done erect diving, but it makes more sense.

You've done erect diving?

Yeah, well, yeah, I mean.

Some of these bodies are still there.

Keep them there.

They don't disturb them.

So if two people are fucking in a cabin, they're still fucking.

They're just all like bloated and stuff, but it's still hot.

It is hot.

I'm not going to fight you on that.

Yeah.

But not a fucking plane.

Isn't that wild?

Yeah.

I mean, to see a sunfish flying through a cockpit, it just doesn't make sense.

It's like Salvador Lee just went shit on your sister's forehead.

Nothing makes sense.

Shrouded in myth and legend, Papeeti's excellent harbor and natural beauty drew many great 18th century explorers, including James Cook, Louis Antoine de Bourgonville.

Never heard of him, actually.

You know, it's hard to think of the historical aspects of that when you're laying by a modern swimming pool watching bikini babes and sipping on a margarita.

You know, history tends to fuck off the minute you're just lounging at a five-star resort.

You don't really care.

Bring me another pizza slice, some chicken fingers, and you, ma'am, snap your thong until it gongs.

You know what I'm saying, guy?

Oh, go gone.

That's right.

Dude, I went, I was in

French Polynesia.

Yeah.

And there was just like these mini museums around, like shitty, like, like Jimi Hendrix's first house.

And then it's just like, you go in there.

That's in Vancouver.

And it's just like, oh, it's done bad, but it's supposed to be.

Yeah.

So one was like notable people that went there.

I mean, a museum the size of this studio.

And one was Brando and talked about how much he got it.

And then Gogon was just this painter who just went full-on colonialism, like slaves, child brides, whatever I can do.

Beautiful paintings.

Did you know his middle name was Going, by the way?

Paul Going Gong?

No, Go Going Gong.

Oh, I did not know that.

Yeah.

Fuck.

He was a sprinter when he was younger.

Paul Goang Gong.

Go Go Gong.

Paul Go Gong.

By the way, Brando.

Isn't he wonderful?

Remember in Apocalypse Now?

There's an outtake, a famous outtake.

You can watch it on YouTube where he's just in that temple and he's in the shadows and he's wiping the sweat from his bald head and he's improvising and all of a sudden a bug flies in his mouth and he's just improvising.

He's like,

I swallowed a bug.

It's just a little, it's on YouTube.

It's my favorite.

I just love it.

Please watch it.

Please touch your sister's face while you're watching it.

Yeah.

It's that for Brando.

He was like, I love this place.

It turned me around.

I thought I could bring them my money, but then I realized I'm taking their joy.

Like,

they've got nothing to gain from me.

I've got they got all their fruit they want, really.

And then Gogon was the opposite, and then it was like Paul Gogan, you know, died, whatever it was, 1836 of misery.

He died of misery, yeah, they were such a drunk fucking cunch.

Wow, yeah,

isn't it funny how that actress gets around misery, Miss Uri?

What was her name again?

Uh, who oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the misery chick, yeah.

I know she she she got to uh

what's his name?

But how many has she killed?

How many what what was her name?

Laura Plumpkin or something

you take the ones

that are made for garbage detail.

You take the others who were made to think but who can't act.

You take

The best.

How is that not in the movie?

How is it not in the movie?

Because he went from like super real to realer.

The garbage takers and the.

I swallowed a bug.

And this is a guy who likes to eat, and he's complaining.

Yeah.

Like, just.

Maybe he's like, I think

I swallowed a bug.

Yeah.

Like, I swallowed a golden corral buffet.

I swallowed a soup plantation.

Oh.

What, um, okay, wow.

Okay, so then Tahiti.

Yeah.

How was, I mean, what stood out there?

That was probably the snorkeling and the lounging.

That was more like sort of tropical paradise.

And I remember laying between two palm trees in a hammock and just staring out at the

rich emerald islands with the the sailboats going by.

And it was just like, man,

you know, it took me back to when I was a boy and said, I want to see the world.

You know, here I was just swaying in a hammock, the pink golden sky, the golden sun sinking into the sea.

God damn it.

Just like paradise.

Little cabana boys sprinkling sawdust on me.

They speak French there.

It's such a colonial place.

It's so clearly made for, remade for

helping travelers be luxuriated.

I loved the French album.

I remember saying to one of the Cabana boys, I said to him,

I was in a very

sullen mood in the sunset, and I said, Monsieur, le papillon mange le cavat sur le table vec le papillon, ou et pitou d'en le school bus.

And I don't speak French well, but I think I said, young boy, there's a horse eating a tie on the window.

Where's Pitou?

He's on the school bus.

And I remember the boy running away and impaling himself on a marlin.

And I felt a little guilty, but fuck him for being in my paradise, that whore.

Yeah.

I mean, that's.

I swallowed a chicken finger.

So then they get you on a plane and they're like, let's go.

We're done with fucking paradise.

We're out of there.

I forget where we went next.

What is this?

Great Barrier Reef.

Oh, the Great Barrier Reef.

Where's this Cairns?

Probably right outside Cairns, Australia.

Yeah, it's off the coast of Cairns.

Millions of years in the making, the Great Barrier Reef is a planet's largest structure built by living organisms.

This chain of coral communities spans over 1,250 miles and is more than 400 feet thick in some places.

You know, they say it's the only living thing you can see from space.

So when you're up next time, if you ever get up in the space shuttle or something, if you look down, apparently the Great Barrier Reef is the only living entity you can see from space.

Wow.

Coral's alive.

It is.

They said the Great Barrier Reef was dead, and I went, and I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, what happened is the coral got bleached.

Yeah.

And everyone in Australia wanting to be trendy, they all went out and got their assholes bleached.

And so

they'd fit in when they were swimming.

Support.

You bleach your reef, you're going to bleach your asshole.

Yeah, it's like those cancer

whatever's.

Cancer assholes?

No, the ribbons.

Oh, yeah.

But, like, this is like more hardcore.

Are ribbons really celebratory, though?

Like, do you really want to slap a ribbon on when Grandpa's in the leukemia ward with tumors on his eyelids?

Yay, a ribbon.

Yeah, shouldn't it be more like a, shouldn't we be banging a death knell or

saging the room?

A ram's horn or something.

Yeah, something.

Yeah.

Or dress like Satan and bring a goat's head in.

This isn't time for ribbons.

No.

Tie a yellow ribbon round the old.

Who are you, Margaret?

You're not my daughter.

Yeah.

Oh, tie a yellow ribbon round the old black lung.

He's got three more days.

He's whatever, you know.

Yeah.

God, I think I smell a country.

I don't know where they are.

Oh, there we go.

Damn.

How was the Great Barrier Reef?

What'd you do?

Great Barrier Reef was good, but in previous journeys, I had been to more exotic reefs like Fiji and places like that.

And the Great Barrier Reef is fascinating, but to be honest, it's a little bleak.

It's not as...

There's areas of it that are colorful and

just like a collage of color, but because it's so massive,

the water's a little bit cooler than you think, and

it wasn't quite as overwhelmingly colorful and beautiful.

At least I've been there a few times, and I've always found other places to be much more exotic looking underwater.

But it's fascinating.

It's an interesting take.

Yeah.

Did you go from the land out or did you take a boat out around the reef?

Yeah,

we went from the land and took a boat out, and they had an island for us, a five-star resort.

They were making lobster for us on the beach.

I mean, they went all out.

Wow.

Wow, what, really?

I hate to say it, but almost the thing that stood out in my head more was kind of the lobster on the beach.

But I was being an idiot.

I thought, oh,

I'll go and see the sunset on this little island.

And I walked around and I went all the way to the end of the island and I realized the sun goes down a lot faster there than it does to me, it seemed like.

Oh, it's so far south.

Yeah, it just went, woo!

And so I'm on the far side of this island.

It's getting dark.

I had to run all the way, and the sun was gone.

I'm scaling down the side of this mountain in the dark, trying to get back to the lobster dinner like before the stars come out.

It was

so scary.

It was one of the scariest lobster dinners I've ever pursued.

So the berry reap was great, but you know,

I've dove in more exotic spots.

It's interesting.

Yeah.

Some of it, too, it's like if it's the size of it, that's the thing.

It's like, well,

you can't get the size while you're just in front of one little area.

It's like the Grand Canyon.

You just go to the Grand Canyon, you look at it, and you go, okay, let's go to the snack bar.

Like, it's so massive.

Yeah, and like, well, you know, it's for 100 miles, and you're like, can I see the 100 miles from right now?

Bingo, yeah, yeah, it almost pisses you off.

I was angry, yeah, that they brought me there,

and that's all you went to in Australia, yeah.

That was it.

That was the Great Barrier Reef.

This is such an interesting tour because it really is just for these amazing sights.

Amazing.

There's no, like, let's hang out, see some coffee shops, go to some bars.

No, it was all high-end, exotic, like, just, and, you know, like I said, every few days you're like, boom, boom, boom.

Unreal.

Wow.

Wow.

Okay.

Angkor Watt.

Fucking goddamn this.

Anger Watt.

Holy God.

This is the place where the giant roots come out of the temples.

And there's forgotten temples in the jungles of Cambodia.

They still haven't found them all.

They say there could be hundreds more buried.

They go overhead with

now with like mapping,

whatever, mapping.

Thermal imaging.

And they find that they,

yeah.

Now, Angor Wat, this place here,

unbelievably ancient, stunning, and one of my favorite memories is there's actual Cambodian monks walking around.

It still functions as a spiritual and religious temple.

And there'd be these bald monks, little clusters of them, walking around in orange robes.

Boom time.

There's some.

And I'll never forget, I was in the middle of

Angora Wat in that temple, and about seven or eight of them came up and surrounded me.

And they started reading, they started reading like these sort of life prophecies

at you?

Yes.

Yes, it was wonderful.

And they're like, If the flower blossoms in the night, the moonlight will take you on your journey.

Like these weird,

and I just felt like the dumb American Canadian guy.

And so I'm not even joking.

They were just standing there looking at me, and I started singing Dust in the Wind by Kansas.

And I just started going, Dust in the Wind.

I close

my eyes.

Only for a moment, then a moment's gone.

Dust in the wind.

And they were just mesmerized.

I mesmerized them back.

It's the perfect song.

It's the perfect.

Kansas has two hits, and that's one of them.

And they're like legitimate Hall of Fame hits.

Yeah, and I was going to do Carry On My Wayward Son, but I didn't think they'd get the head banging because they were bald and dumb.

It does go.

It's halfway through.

It starts to pick up.

Yeah, yeah.

But if you could have turned them out, though,

get him from

Dust in the Wind to Carry Marriott's Son.

And then once it goes, if they just start fucking

missed opportunity for sure.

And maybe even dip into some back and black by ACDC or something.

Then just go genre, you're saying.

But it was fascinated.

They were literally sort of, I drew them into this song, and they were literally sort sort of like just transfixed.

They did it to me, and I did it to them.

Were they for real?

They were just like, For real.

I'm not even kidding.

They were just kind of like, I don't think they'd

anyone ever sing at them before.

And I think they had obviously limited English, but somehow I was being very sincere with it.

I wanted to give them something back because it was such a mystical place.

And so the lyrics of Dust of the Wind, if you ever read them, they're very, you know, none of our money matters.

None of our time here matters.

We're just dust in the wind.

Yeah, we're temporary.

We're temporary.

What is this?

Is it Buddhist?

What is this?

Yeah, I think it's Buddhist there, yeah.

And so it was just the practice.

No, no, no.

I mean, was Kansas Buddhist?

I think they were booed a few times, but then they got a few more hits and they really picked it up.

Wow, look at them.

Jeez.

Yeah.

Maybe they're Satanists.

Oh, yeah, maybe they're Satanists.

Yeah, like read some of those lyrics.

I close my eyes only for a moment, and then the moment's gone.

All my dreams pass pass before my eyes.

A curiosity.

Dust in the wind.

All they are is dust in the wind.

Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea.

I mean, this is mushroom fucking Buddhist talk.

All we do crumbles to the ground that we refuse to see.

Dust in the wind.

All we are is dust in the wind.

And here's the part I sang, I think.

Read that one.

Now, don't hang on.

Nothing lasts forever, but the earth, except the earth and the sky, and it slips away.

And all your money won't another minute buy.

Whoa, damn.

These guys almost shit their turbans or whatever.

They're roads.

I mean, this is all they're fucking talking about.

They didn't even need to go to monk school for their whole lives.

They could have just listened to Kansas.

Everything is dust in the wind.

Everything.

Everything.

You're going to listen to this on Mushrooms next time I do mushrooms.

Released 1977.

Man, it held up.

I mean,

those monks should have just packed it up and

try to follow Kansas on the road.

Go to Lilith Fair or something I went to Lilith Fair two years in a row really how were the outhouses they were lacking to be honest yeah it was mostly it was the first time I've seen more women bathrooms than men

they were giving out condoms and everyone was passing by laughing at them it was one of those like public's health things yeah and then they're like you guys need this and everyone's like we don't

I was there the year they were giving out IUDs oh really I tried to put one in and it killed me I almost had to leave the I almost had to walk out of the Sarah McLaughlin segment Yeah, Ayurde's nuts.

My name is Luca.

I shit on the seventh floor or whatever it is.

So yeah, that was

quite Angora Wad and the temples with the giant roots.

You see like trees coming out of it.

Oh, unbelievable.

Like Laura Croft Tomb Raider.

Yeah, it really feels like Tomb Raider.

There's a few places I've been and it feels like that.

That is the spot.

I'll tell you, Ari, it really shows you how in control nature is.

I mean,

these roots are, you you know, seven feet wide, and they're just, they're bursting out of ancient temples, out of the doorways, out of, they're cracking the structures open.

They're just, yeah, it's,

I mean, that whole place is just so mystical and beautiful.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Did you, do you have pictures of these places?

Yep.

Was it digital era or not?

It was just at the edge of it.

So one of the guys, one of the oldies on the trip had a digital camera.

And

this is how the trees were.

like growing really out of the stone they're growing right out of the structures over them through them

i mean just a testament to the the willpower of nature

yeah and you'll be in one of those yeah and then it's just the tree goes from inside just out and it's massive it goes massive high yeah and some of them there's some shots where the the the roots are coming right out of the doorways like it's just

unbelievable like look at this it's just consuming them it's like lava flowing down but like how many years did it take for that tree to root to find where it was headed?

Yeah, it's just so

reminds you that nature is in charge, and no matter what we do, just like Kansas said,

you know, we're just a popcorn fart in the wind.

What was the lyric?

Dust in the wind.

Sorry, sorry.

Yeah, no, I don't apologize.

I wasn't in the band.

Okay.

Do you know how this was discovered?

Anchor what?

Yes, I know the story, but I forget it.

I think some guy stumbled on it, actually.

It was a jogger, a British jogger, who was just out.

Like, I'm going to take a hike among the monkeys and stuff.

And he found it.

He's like, what the fuck is this?

And he went through it and he found it, and he thought it was an abomination.

And he didn't tell anybody.

He goes, no one should know about this thing.

It's so anti-Christian that nobody should know about it.

Wow, he's a religious jogger.

Yeah.

Oh, running for Christ.

Running for, not from Christ.

Right.

And then, like, 10, 20 years later, some other explorer found, like this is amazing.

And guy's like, oh no, I found that.

Don't, that's, that's bullshit.

Don't tell anybody about that place.

He goes, no, I'm going to, I think I'm going to tell like a lot of people.

Yeah.

And the guy's like, please don't tell anybody.

He goes, yeah, I'm going to tell people.

Yeah.

Well, what's amazing is you'll see the statues that are called the four faces.

And they have a statue that has four faces that face every direction on a lot of the temples.

So they're all seeing.

And it's really fascinating and mystical.

You see, there's four faces facing in each direction.

And these are, it's not just one, they're everywhere.

And if you look at the walls of the temple,

you'd think they would just be a facade of rock or stone.

But if you zoom in on the walls of the temple, they're the most intricate carvings you've ever seen of thousands of depictions of wars and historical moments in Cambodian culture.

Look at the intricacy of these.

Look at, these tell stories.

They're like modern or historical cave paintings, but carved in stone.

Intricate, unbelievable.

On all the temples.

You can't even get your head around it.

And what do we have?

Public television.

We just had a flat thing.

So this is on these fucking massive stories.

Look at this.

These are carved into the stone.

What do you just tell about history and stuff?

Yeah, it tells the story of the tribes, of the royalty, of the religious aspects of it.

Oh my God, you can't even take it all in.

Sunrise Sensitive Photographic Storyteller.

Oh, no, it's a different thing.

And they're everywhere.

They're on every building, every structure.

So it's just kind of like a big scroll, like a structure of scroll.

Yeah, and there's endless buildings.

And like I said, apparently there's all kinds of temples that they haven't even discovered yet, which seems weird.

How could they say that if they're not discovered?

Yeah, then they got to get to them.

Yeah, how can they say they haven't discovered them yet?

Well, we haven't discovered about 400 temples yet.

Okay, there,

forecaster Franny,

whatever his name is.

It's not that.

But look at that, you know.

And what do we have here in America?

Chuck E.

Cheese.

We jump around.

We got a rat eating pizza with fly eggs on it.

And they got this.

Yeah.

Oh, this is a decent angle on it.

We get some of this.

They're just like this long, long wall

of just like story, of carved story.

It's just, it's a mind-blower, man.

And these are the things when I was a little boy, I wanted to expose myself.

I knew these adventures, these beautiful things existed in my home in different rooms.

And so these are the things I encourage everyone to get out.

And they touch you.

They deeply affect you.

They stay with you.

They're so prolific and

they're so intricate.

And they hold so much essence that they, just by default, they stay within your spirit.

They're amazing.

God damn.

Yeah.

Well, it's not blasphemy.

Oh, yeah, good point.

Yeah, some chicks got in trouble for taking their tits out here.

I remember some German chicks that were like showing tits in different places, and they were like, no, it's just like a joke.

And they're like, no, no, but it's a deeply religious sight to us.

Like, no, no, it's a joke.

They're like, no, not to us.

Yeah.

This is really shitty.

Although, I think they might have showing their ass.

The detail wasn't really.

Das is ein milkjuggens or whatever.

Yeah.

I don't speak German.

I think you do.

Was that it?

Yeah.

Das is ein milkjuggens.

Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you, DeVry.

das is ein milken juggens devry's still around it is for me i take a night school german class das is ein milkenjugens

god damn so you stayed here for three days and just hopped around the end court went all around there like just did you stay in see him reap or did you stay do you remember where did i do what did you stay in in this in the town right there see him reap I can't remember, but we had to take a little bit of

a journey to get there.

But what they did, again, I hate to, but this was part of the fun of it.

They had us in like these beautiful resorts, like five-star resorts with pools.

So, you know, when you weren't doing this, you were, you know, and this is why I was saying the price tag on this, it was ridiculous.

Like, I don't mean to flaunt it or be Mr.

Lavish, but they offered it, and I took my hard-earned money.

You know, I'm just not like Mr.

Rich guy, let's do it.

Like,

I had to take a calculated risk and go, man, this is worth my money that I've worked so hard for.

So, yeah.

And what's funny, they've since like $59,000

in today's money.

Well, National Geographic, as far as I know, doesn't do this anymore.

Oh, fuck.

I've got a lot of companies do it.

I think a place called Travcoa, and they've sent me pamphlets since.

$200,000, $180,000.

Like, I think they messed up.

I think they did it and said, this is a lot of money.

Let's see see if people do it.

I did it.

And after that, they went, oh, my God, we sold out like that.

And then they just cranked it up.

And I realized I probably got the trip of a lifetime.

Like,

my hand was halfway to the garbage can, and I ended up singing to monks and Angor Watt and letting them really know they got to start buying some Kansas albums.

God damn.

That's so fucking cool.

You know, Wild.

What did your family and friends say when you said you were doing it?

They couldn't believe it.

They were like, wait, what?

Where?

And it was just, it was just like, no one could believe it.

Because, I mean, also, like, this is like any one of these things is like, I'm going to Southeast Asia just to hulk just to see Anchor Watt.

It's a fucking 15-day trip, but that's the one spot I'm staying.

I'm going to check it off my list.

I'm going to Australia while I'm there.

Maybe I can get to the Great Barrier Reef.

That's it.

That's the only one you do on the list.

Well, here's the other thing.

It was so well planned.

Don't forget to Easter Island.

Ari, this is what they did.

They had 75 of us.

Yeah.

And it was so well organized.

At the beginning of the trip, they took all our passports, all our luggage.

We would get through an airport, 75 of us, faster than if I did it on my own.

They'd open a special thing for us.

And in some countries, they even opened special airports for us.

Instead of going into the, they let us land at military airports where there's nobody.

And just so it was like, it was like a dream.

It was crazy.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

So I'm not sure where we went next.

What is this?

Do you remember?

Okay, Cambodia.

Was it

India?

It was Kathmandu and then India.

Yeah, but pretty much the same, same.

Oh, yeah.

These are real close to each other, but Nepal to India.

Nepal.

Nepal was, we went to a place, Ari, called the Tiger Tops Lodge in the shadow of the Himalayan mountains.

Well, just so you know, Nepal is a land of sharp contrasts.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you for saying that.

And this is from a guy with an arts and crafts background.

I love to hear

the cards contract major.

And then somebody's like, just get the arts.

And I was like, oh, yeah, I get the arts.

Yeah.

And if you go to Taco Bell, you might even get the farts.

Well, set it up, guy.

We are a team here today, right?

Yeah, we're a team.

But we go to this place called the Tiger Tops Lodge.

It's one of the last places on the planet where you can see wild tigers in their environment, where it's not like all kind of cagey or like a protected park.

It's one of the last pieces of wild land.

So we go and we go on Safari, but not in a Land Rover.

We go on the backs of elephants.

No fucking way.

We go on the backs of

elephants.

There's this nine-foot-tall safari or tiger grass, they call it elephant grass.

And we go out.

Is that the Tiger Tops Lodge?

Yeah.

And we go on Safari on elephant back looking for wild tigers.

It was unbelievable.

Were elephants just around?

No, they had them there.

They had like a little stable of their own elephants.

And there's wild rhinos, there's tigers, there's leopards.

And we were going through rivers on the back of these elephants.

We were going through this grass.

Oh, my God.

And the tigers don't attack you?

Well, the elephants are so big.

There are documented, there's videos of the.

There's that one of that guy trying to push them off with a stick as that tiger just gets up and slashes him.

I mean, they will.

But the elephants are so big.

We never saw a tiger, but we did see a wild leopard.

We got a wild leopard right beside.

I got lucky.

It was in a tree.

It jumped down into this nine-foot grass.

No one knew where it was.

I looked down the side of my hulking elephant.

He's right at my elephant's feet, hiding in the grass, looking up at me, and he goes,

And I was the only one that got this.

It was like, it was amazing.

Yeah, here's the tiger comes running out.

I mean, because it's the high grass.

Well, this grass looks even shorter.

The grass we were in was almost nine feet high.

Look at that.

Oh, do you see the aftermath of that guy?

His hand, his whole hand is fucked.

Yeah, it looked like he barely touched him, but he was like, oh, yeah.

I mean, he sees him coming a second out, and he's like, well, I gotta like.

Look at that.

I'll add the noise.

Yeah,

his hand's gone.

Yeah, he just shredded it.

So you didn't see any tigers?

We didn't, but we saw that leopard, which was wild.

I wish we saw tigers, but one of the highlights: all right, so we're out.

They go through the grass and into the jungle.

We go into the jungle, and in that region,

monsoon thunderstorms erupt out of nowhere, right?

Yeah, keep going.

So we're in the jungle.

A monsoon

rainstorm explodes,

and the elephants ain't having it.

They don't like it.

They don't like the thunder.

The thunder's smashing.

The lightning's crackling.

The wind comes up.

Now we're in the jungle.

The trees are blowing, leaves everywhere.

The elephants are like, uh-uh.

They start charging.

They say, forget the guy on the back with the stick.

So now they're charging back to the lodge.

We're like flying, rain-drenched, it's flying in my thunder, lightning.

I'm flying through one of the elephants, literally grabbed a tree and pulled it down.

It was, it was amazing!

Wow, it was just unreal.

Yeah,

I mean, grab my sister's face and slam it into a radiator.

Damn it!

Yeah, that's so fucking cool.

It was dramatic, it was wonderful, it just felt dangerous.

It felt dangerous, but all the elements and the thunder's loud.

I mean, this is like we're in Nepal and it's tropical, it's sticky, and these giant billowy clouds just kind of form out of nowhere, and the elephants are like,

there's a bolt, they're just like, uh-uh, instinctively, like, we're getting back to because they had an they had like a covering, an enclosure back at the lodge where they were housed, like a stable.

And they're like,

we're not getting hit by lightning.

Can you imagine a lightning hit elephant meat?

Yeah.

That'd be like a night of Burger King with the janitor spooning.

In what way?

Well, with the cheese slices.

Yeah.

Did you go to any religious stuff into Nepal?

Didn't go to religious stuff in Nepal, but now we get to India.

Yeah.

And we go to the Taj Mahal,

which was amazing.

I didn't realize this was a shrine built by a prince for the love of his his wife.

He built this marble castle as a testament to their love.

God damn, I just get flowers.

Right?

She should learn to carve some marble guy.

But here we are at this beautiful temple, and I got pictures of it.

Maybe I can send them to you.

Yeah, send it to me.

Send me all the shit.

We were standing there, and in this beautiful testament to love, and the grounds are most eloquently manicured, and there's Indian people and tourists, and this one Indian guy, I think picking your nose in India isn't a thing, like it's not taboo.

Oh, and there was a man there with his family, and I think he might have gone, like, this far down,

and he was just digging.

I almost saw the top of his skull popping.

He was like just digging for a good six minutes.

Early COVID tests.

And his kids are just skipping around him like it's some kind of Mayflower festival.

And I said, screw the Taj Mahal.

I was taking pictures of this guy.

I'll send you the pictures.

I got about nine pictures where he's just digging for gold.

I mean, he got so deep there was probably Frankenberry up there.

Like, unreal.

His nostril was stretched out like a porn star after a night on Bakersfield.

You know, unreal.

What a great memory of Taj Mahal.

Oh, it was wild.

It was wild.

Yeah.

So, but beautiful, stunning place.

And then just in the middle of the mix, they go, hey, anyone want to fly around Mount Everest today?

We're like, what do you mean?

Well, we've rented a small plane.

Who wants to fly around the top of Everest?

And I was like, so now it is.

That's one of those just like the activities they had, like, you can do it if you want, the bonus stuff.

I was like, yeah, so now I didn't have to waste all that time and money climbing the whore.

Daddy just flies around it in about 12 minutes, and I got the bragging rights.

In fact, I was higher than the stupid climbers.

Fuck Everest and his goddamn.

I was looking down, spinning.

It turns ice in the way down, really hurt people.

Icicle right in the neck.

Roll down.

Can you see any dead bodies up there?

I didn't see any dead bodies.

I wish.

I love those.

That's my favorite thing about that.

It's like when somebody dies, you're like, well,

we can't get you bow.

We're barely getting down ourselves.

And they just slide by.

I always think of Deion Warwick, you know, slide on by,

slide on by.

You know, they see the corpses slide by going down Everest.

Do you think that was what she was singing about?

No, but I just changed the lyric because it, you know, walk on by.

It's walk on by.

I knew something was off.

Something felt off when you were saying that, but I was like, wait, is it slide on by?

Well, when you're on Everest and a corpse, like some businessman from like, you know, Cambodia or somebody,

slide on by,

slide on by.

sorry, it's all right.

No, we need some music on this.

I know, but we had the Kansas and the uh, yeah, you gotta have, if you're gonna have white, you gotta have black.

Yeah, just like the penis with the cancer, yeah, yeah, right.

So, how long are you staying in India?

Do you eat like local food in these places?

Local food, and they had the

took us to the best restaurants, best food.

I mean, it was just, it just didn't stop.

I keep going back to how cool the trip is to then the bargain of the trip, the bar, yeah,

and and and the services they provided, and it was just like crazy.

Just a trip around Mount Everest.

Yeah, we just, hey, just out of nowhere.

Anyone want to, and they got us a small little plane, charted it around.

We fly around the top of Everest.

Something I never thought I'd see.

Yeah.

Like, that's not even on the itinerary.

Wasn't even on the itinerary.

Just like the diving with the sunken airplane.

It's like that was a every day they just throw stuff at us.

Yeah, you want to do this?

Yeah, okay.

God damn.

Why not?

What stood out in the Taj Mahal besides the nose picker?

I think it was the nose picker girl.

Yeah, that's fair.

That's fair.

Like the beauty and the majesty of it, like it's just stunning.

What a dichotomy.

Well, the fact that it's

Nepal is a land of sharp contrast, but you have the beauty of this with the fucking horror of the nose pick.

I say India is a sharp contrast place.

And I think one of the standout things about the Indian people,

there was such a beauty to the Indian people.

They live, live, a lot of India is very impoverished, and we'd walk the streets, and you'd see the people, I'm not even joking, Ari, I'd see a child and a dog and a pig eating in a ditch together.

Like it was that, it could be that drastic at times.

They didn't have a lot, but in their eyes, Ari, was this contentment, this fulfillment, this joy.

And I looked in those people's eyes, the people in the public, and I go, I don't even see this light in the eyes of people who have it who are doing well in other civilized you know more prosperous you know places like in america there there was a real inner beauty a real inner light where it almost felt like they didn't know what they didn't have so it didn't matter they were just happy to be alive and i think

i think in the hindu culture the hindu religion they also believe that

that the worse it is in this life the the better it is in the next life the more suffering you have in this life means you'll have it better in the next life.

So there's like joy to suffering.

Yeah, which I don't think that'll be awesome.

Which I don't like really, but

whether you like it because you think it's not true.

But if it were true, it'd be like, oh, that's going to be great then.

Yeah, I'd go out and hit myself in the face with a brick in about half an hour.

But there was a sadness to it, but

there was a real beauty to it because I could see that they, in a way, they were unaffected by it.

And it was really wonderful to see humans with such, they just look at you, and there was a real joy in their eyes, you know?

Yeah.

Which is something that's missing from cultures like ours that are prosperous and

we can go out and have whatever we want, or with a phone call, we can order a steak, you know.

And you just get so used to it, it's like, what?

But they were really, there's a real soulful contentment and just a real beauty.

And I couldn't stop looking in their faces.

And they just, it was wonderful.

And these are part of the things that you learn culturally and learn about the world when you do go out and travel.

You take away these things, and

it, you know, it's very profound and beautiful.

Yeah, but this amount of time, too, how many times have you just kind of like had those moments where you're like kind of like sort of see your own reality through another person's eyes?

Wow.

It's important.

For me,

it had a deep impact on me spiritually, emotionally, in my life.

What do you mean?

Well, it just makes you grateful for what you have, and it makes you realize that

nothing really matters but you're nurturing your soul

and making sure

you're spiritually content and that you have a grasp of the real world versus just material things, which are nice to have too, but I don't know.

These people were locked into a more spiritual level, I believe.

How long did that last

after you got back?

Still with me.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I already had a very, you know, sort of a deep spiritual connection to the world, and that was part of my

catalyst for wanting to see it because I do feel a connection to seeing and experiencing the world.

But those people who had so little, it was really amazing and beautiful to see.

To see them happy in the face of that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or naive to it.

I don't know what they were, but something within them shone out of them, and

it was really moving.

Yeah.

It is interesting when you don't know what you're missing.

Like, you're just not aware that that's even possible.

You're not aware.

And so the fact that they were there alive and

existing, and that seemed, that there was a simplicity and a beauty in that.

My agent got me tickets to a festival once.

I needed tickets.

It was sold out.

And I was like, yeah, I just just need to get in.

And he was like, I'm going to get you VIP.

He was me and three like norm core people.

I'll get you VIP, whatever.

Let me see if I can do it.

I'm like, No, no, we don't need that.

And he's like, No, no, it's better.

I'm like, No one knows that even exists among those friends.

So, like, they're not looking for it.

Yeah, if we can just get face-value tickets, we're going to be stoked.

Yeah, right.

Yeah,

no one's like, What the fuck?

Yeah, just like unaware things exist makes it a lot nicer.

Make it make life easier sometimes.

Just be happy with what you have, not don't be mad or upset about what you don't have.

Yeah.

Is this caviar from Finland?

I said help Seiki specifically.

You hear it all the time.

Yeah.

Especially at the food courts.

Of course, people get upset about the caviar.

I remember I went to Panda Express once and I threw a spring roll right through a man's forehead.

I was so upset.

Didn't give me enough dipping sauce.

That pink neon.

Spiral it?

I just did a flip like an axe throw.

Right in his forehead.

Yeah.

Dead before he hit the ground.

Read a fortune cookie over his corpse and got over to Orange Julius.

Got a nice foamy one and fucked off home.

Oh, if you're going to laugh, maybe not.

I'm so sorry.

It's a podcast for me.

Yeah, when I feel sad, I laugh sometimes.

Fair enough, guy.

Yeah,

it's not the reaction I'd want, but it's just what happens.

It's okay.

They told me my father killed my mom and both my sisters.

Wow, what a day.

Yeah, my first reaction was laughter.

But I owed one of them 20 bucks, so it might have been associated with that, too.

Like, that was a good idea.

Daddy did you a favor.

That debt was unpaid.

What I took away from that story is nowadays when men seem so effeminate and emasculated, you had a real man-man-dad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For him to just take out the family and not take any bullet, like, just

by example, lead by example.

What a dad.

Yeah, don't take no guff is what he didn't say, but like, that's what I took.

Wow.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

Wow.

Love it.

Yeah.

I love your mom.

Okay.

So that.

Are we getting bored?

I don't want to like

too long.

No, it's drip is fucking sick.

It'll be longer than most episodes, but it's worth it.

Oh, jeez.

It's not like we're just meandering for no reason.

You literally have an itinerary.

Okay, but we kind of have to get to it.

We can skip some places if you want.

No, we're halfway through already.

Okay.

Oh, and by the way, there's three on the end that we didn't go to because the volatility in the Middle East cranked up.

So we didn't get to Egypt, the lost city of Jordan, or Istanbul.

They refunded us a little bit of the money because that was when the Iranian city was.

Are you just saying that to make this podcast shorter?

No, that's for real.

Really?

Yeah.

Petra.

That was the only place where there's two is in.

Yeah, Petra, Istanbul, and the pyramids.

Yeah.

Which was a bummer because I really wanted to see the pyramids.

But

I went back later to the pyramids, but I'll tell you that another day.

Wow, that's interesting.

They were just like, hey, we just can't.

We can't because of the danger.

I think around then.

There was some kind of like a.

They were killing tourists for a while in Egypt.

Yeah, it got

outsiders.

They thought there was going to be another Iran-Iraq war or something, so they had to cut it off.

Damn.

Okay.

But, okay, you remember you went after Taj Mahal?

Was it Africa?

Yeah.

Oh, man, dude.

Probably.

Did you catch some rays down in Africa?

That's what I thought the song was until last week.

Oh, really?

Yeah, the Toto song.

It's so sunny.

Yeah, it's so sunny.

I caught some rays.

Catch the rays down in Africa.

How are you so tan?

Because.

I caught the rays down in Africa.

How come you're about to die in three days?

I caught the rays down in.

What is the actual lyric?

I the rain, yeah, I caught the rain, yeah, something like that.

I catch, yeah, I catch the rain,

yeah, but there's no isn't there, aren't they in a drought?

Maybe that's what it's about because it's the rain in Africa so much better.

It rains here in New York, people are like, oh, it's fucking raining.

Africa, they're like, oh my god, it's fucking raining, yeah, yeah.

Although, Chicago did a nice song to the New York rain.

It's another rainy day in New York City.

I remember that.

La la la la la.

Just another rainy day.

Just, well.

That's a good song.

That's Chicago?

Yeah.

I bless the rains down in Africa.

I bless the rains.

Okay, suddenly they're religious.

I bless the rain.

I bless the rain.

It's funny, they wrote this all-time song, 1982.

It's been around for

42 years.

You didn't know?

Yeah, I really didn't know.

Yeah, me neither.

And I didn't really care, to be honest.

Yeah, not well written.

Now, anyone out there blessing rain?

I bless the rains.

Yeah, what the fuck's that even supposed to mean?

Who the hell are you, God?

Why don't you go talk to Rosanna and fucking rewrite that shit?

Yeah, go pick your nose at a fucking train station in fucking New York.

Yeah.

But you went to Victoria Falls.

Oh, was this the last spot?

Well,

I think it was.

So you missed Cairo, Luxor, you missed Petra, and you missed Istanbul.

Yeah.

Then London would be the last spot.

No, London was just our flying in and out point.

So Africa was the last spot.

Wait, so did you fly from London to D.C.

or did you start in D.C.?

Yeah, we flew from London and then to D.C.

We started in D.C.

and then

we did London.

Yeah, and then they're like, goodbye, see you, stay in London.

They don't fly you home.

No, you have to get yourself to London and D.C.

Interesting.

But Africa was amazing.

In what way?

Raymond.

I was playing this podcast.

It was amazing.

Because everyone who comes home from any trip, like, how was it?

It was amazing.

It's the word everybody uses.

Oh, it's so wonderful.

There's no other word.

Maybe I'll go, to be different, I'll say, it was splashtacular.

I mean,

it was chocolate milkshake mania.

But what happened is we land in Africa.

We went to several different countries.

I can't remember which ones.

But we ended at Victoria Falls.

Oh, you did go to several countries in Africa?

Yeah, I think we went to two because we were right on the border.

So I think we went to two or three, but I think it was just two.

Where's Victoria Falls?

What country?

That's what I can't remember.

Africa is confusing to me because there's so many countries.

It's like if you took all the states and shook them up in a, you know, like a martini thing

and just they all come out wrong.

Zimbabwe.

What's so right?

This one?

No,

Victoria Falls.

Yeah, maybe it was Zimbabwe.

Yeah.

So we land there, Ari.

Yeah.

We land

at an airport, and I think it was one of those private ones again.

This trip is so fucking cool.

Yeah, it's so cool.

And we get out, and it was one of those ones because it was a private airport.

We got out and we landed and we walked out of the plane onto the tarmac.

Okay?

Love that.

So I'm a white kid from Canada.

Okay, I'm an Irish, French, Canadian white kid from Canada.

I walk down the plane.

I'm standing on the dark continent for the first time in my life, and Ari, as God is my witness, this

feeling washed over my whole being, my whole spirit, and the voice in my head just went,

I'm home.

It almost gives me goosebumps to say it.

Like, I just

wasn't planning anything.

I just stepped out on the ground, and my whole body, my brain just went, I'm home.

And I'm like, you know, they say Africa is the cradle of civilization, you know, the birthplace of man.

And I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but I've never been anywhere else.

And this was after going, this was our last stop.

Were you always taken from African culture with African culture or something?

No, I just, I was just, it was just another culture like any other culture.

But somehow, when I stepped on the ground here, I had this overwhelming feeling wash over me that was unexplainable.

Wow.

And it was very beautiful.

And from there, we went to Victoria Falls.

Did you cry at all on this trip?

I almost did, and I'm going to tell you, it leads into the poem if you want to hear it at the end.

I think, you know what?

I've started to sway a little bit.

It's up to you.

I'm at about 60-40 against right now, but it started at a hard, like 80-20.

And probably that 20 was like, let me humor him.

I don't want to hear it.

I understand.

I'm at probably 60-40 against now.

You're making headway.

I say the Mo has changed.

Anyway, go ahead.

So we go over to a place called Victoria Falls, which is this massive pitch of Niagara Falls, but with jungle around it.

Whoa.

Huge, massive.

I think it's even wider than Niagara Falls.

There's a picture of it.

You can hike down.

You can stand in the mist.

There's jungle.

You're in the

mist.

Like in that shit?

Yep.

You go down by the bottom.

The mist is washing over you like a priest baptizing a legless baby.

Yeah.

God damn.

That's a side one.

That's a side one.

Yeah, it was just massive.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

And so now our resort is right on the shore of this.

Like you look out your window and you're almost right over the falls.

We're right on the shore of this.

I don't know if they made a real estate mistake, but it's right there.

Yeah.

So we go to this thing

and from there we go on safari.

And for the first time in my life, I get exposed to wild African animals.

And

our Land Rover gets charged by a giant bull elephant.

We see lions.

We see water buffalo.

We see all these incredible animals.

But one thing I realized about Africa at this point is I'm a nature guy.

I love nature.

I've been around nature.

I've been a forest ranger.

I've done all kinds of things in my life.

But this is a place, Ari, when you go on Safari and you go out into that domain,

you feel this energy where the first time in my life, I felt like as a man, as a human, I was part of the food chain.

Like when you get out of that Land Rover,

you're no longer like a guy.

You're not a man.

You're not a citizen.

You're in the food chain.

And there's so much electricity out there that every animal, animal, every creature, if they take a right or a left, it determines whether they live or die that day.

And the creatures that can kill, the predators, the dichotomy,

the flow,

it's like nothing you'll ever experience.

So if there's one thing I can tell you for your travel show is anyone who gets a chance to do a safari in Africa, do it.

It's unbelievable.

Really?

Unbelievable.

I follow Nature is Metal Instagram account.

Okay.

And it's just like

an animal killing another animal or a deer getting caught in a crag and dying, whatever.

But that is what hits me.

It's like there's a skunk that gets attacked by, it's like, you just went the wrong way that day.

That's it.

And then they're like, oh, you're near a bear on a hungry day.

Yeah.

And then he's just going to kill you.

Yeah.

But they're all just out there all the time.

Like on the everywhere.

Like the odds in North America of running into a jag, to a mountain lion or a bear,

your odds of being being killed in nature by another creature go way down.

Even to see that goes way down.

When you're on Safari, every time you turn your head, you have a chance at seeing whether it's a black mamba biting a lion or a hippopotamus attacking a gazelle, whether it's a pride of lions taking down a buffalo.

It's just like it's electric.

Are you in cars at this point?

You're in a Land Rover, yeah.

Land Rover.

It's open, yeah.

I read somewhere that the reason the lions don't attack the

whatever

is they see the

vehicle itself and not what's inside.

It's all connected, so like that's the thing that's not my food.

But if you step out, they're like, Whoa, where did this food appear from?

Yeah, they wouldn't let us.

We got to step out once, and even and it was right by a riverbed where you could see everything.

So they had a good sight line, but everything, those lions are so stealthy, they blend in so well to the golden grass.

But even just stepping out, knowing we were kind of in a safe spot, it was nerve-wracking.

Like, you, you are like, whoa, like you're looking around.

It's just, it's amazing.

And, and then we were, God damn, you know, another thing they just threw in one day, they said, hey, anyone want to go for a helicopter ride over the, you know, the safari area?

And I go, I'll go in.

So, so I'm in a helicopter for the first time with one of those bubble domes where it's all glass.

Yeah.

Just me in a helicopter guy.

We're flying over rivers.

We're seeing hippopotamuses underwater.

We're seeing elephants charging across the plains.

We're seeing herds of animals.

It was just like, that was just another throwaway thing.

Oh, my God.

And

so.

And so you're just around these animals.

You're just driving through to where they're hanging and lounging.

Yeah.

You just go on dirt roads.

And

if you can, I previously, since then, I went on Safari again.

When I was with this group, they had about 12 or 13 in each rover.

But when I went again by myself, if you can get a rover on your own, it's so much better because you're not dealing with the chatter and the cameras.

And so the more you can have it on your own, and even go off-road.

If you go to a more exclusive place, they'll go off-road where you're not on the roads, and you see even more.

And that's just up to the guide?

That's up to the lodge you go, to the people.

So if you ever go on African Safari, try and get your own rover and a place where they will go off-road because it exposes you to even more crazy.

I went to,

what's the fucking big lizard island?

Komodo.

Komodo, yeah.

And so I went to two of the islands and it was a side island.

We had this guide who was like hella into lizards.

On Komodo, the guy was just like, come on, let's go move next.

But this other island, they're on two islands, and he was just super into it.

And so we were walking along, and he just goes to all of us: goes, Hey, you guys want to like go find them?

Where they're like, Not supposed to.

And we're like, Yeah.

He goes, All right, let's go.

Look up everywhere you go.

Like, be careful because if they're in the grass, they'll come fast.

Oh, yeah, they're fast.

I've been there too.

Oh, it's amazing.

It's amazing.

Jurassic Park.

And then you find you see him walking, and then when they start running, you're fucked.

Oh, they're fast.

Yeah, my buddy that I met on another island

later.

He saw like them killing a fucking boar.

Wow.

Ripping apart.

Because what they do is they bite them, them.

They have venom.

And it doesn't act quickly like a rattlesnake or a viper.

What it does is it gets in their blood.

It wears them down over about five days.

And these pack of l

lizards follow it till it just drops.

No, they're nine feet long.

And then these things, they become immobile.

They're still alive.

And then they just come in and they start ripping them apart alive.

Yeah, nature has no like mercy.

They're just just like mercy.

She should just bite its neck first.

They're like, no, as long as it's not a threat to us, we're good.

Keep it alive.

Pull its eyes out.

Everything.

It's just like

nearby going, I can't help it.

Anyway.

But one of the funny things that happened on this thing, I told you there was these naturalists and Boyd Madsden from National Geographic.

He was the host of the TV show.

And so he came.

I didn't know they had a TV show.

Yeah, they had a National Geographic Explorer, and he was the host of it for many years.

Okay.

And so this.

Is he still alive?

He's still alive, I think.

Boyd Mattson.

Here he is, right here.

He was on.

National Geographic host.

Yeah, he was on the journey with us to give, you know, to give insight and educational lectures.

Was he enjoying the trip?

He loved it.

Okay.

He loved it.

He was there with his new wife, and he loved it.

But here's the kicker: because he was on TV,

he was in the entertainment industry.

Yeah.

So he comes up to me on the last day before I tell you the Africa story to close things out.

Okay.

He comes up to me the last day and he goes, he goes, Juicy.

And I go, yeah.

He goes, you know, I moved to Hollywood like, like, you know, 20 years ago, and I've been kicking around.

And, you know, now I'm doing this show for National Geographic.

And I go, yeah.

And he goes, you're not going to believe this.

I live in Burbank.

And right down at the end of my street is a burger joint called Juicy Harvey's.

And I just look at him and I go, I go, boy, you're not going to believe me.

And he goes, what?

And I took my name tag off and I gave it to him.

I said, you have this.

Isn't that hilarious?

You had no idea that whole time.

Juicy Harvey.

What a coincidence.

Isn't that wild?

I can't believe it.

He waited.

The fact he waited till the last day to bring it up.

And he was sincere.

He's like, I can't believe.

I guess he didn't realize.

I just thought Juicy is your nickname and you're a Harvey.

But there's another place.

Yeah, there's another.

What are the odds?

And he lived on the end of the street.

Wow.

So

here's the kicker.

Okay.

We do Africa.

We do this whole trip.

And by this time, the people, the organizers, they figured out who I was.

Now, after all these people, they realized I'd done movies, I was a comedian.

Yeah, thank God it wasn't 2016 where they could just look up your movies and TV stuff, and like internet stuff.

I mean, stand-up stuff like at the hotel and bother you about it.

Yeah, it finally got to the point where I had to tell them.

I was like, Look, okay, guys, this is why people everywhere we go are stopping me.

And so they were like all excited.

And what happened are last night

in Africa at the lodge, they were doing a closing dinner for us.

Beautiful outdoor dinner, white tablecloths, a gazebo, right at the edge of the falls.

You could see the falls in the moonlight spilling over the edge.

And they said, Harlan, you're an entertainer.

Would you mind tonight as a special treat doing a little thing for us?

And I said, what, like a show or something?

And they said, yeah, you know, we hate to ask, but it's up to you.

And I said, you know what?

Let me think about it.

I'll do something.

And I started thinking about about it and it just didn't seem like the right place for stand-up.

It felt too out of context.

And so what I did is we all had gone on this beautiful journey together to all these exotic places.

And I thought, you know what?

I'm going to write a poem.

I'm going to write a poem for all of us to share.

And I'm going to put down all my experiences and, you know, in chronological order, all the places we've been.

And what I'll do is I'll read it.

They didn't know I was going to do this.

I went up there.

I think they thought I was going to be funny.

And I went up and I read the poem.

And now, this is the point.

If you want me to read it, I can.

It's about two minutes long or I cannot.

Yeah.

I want you to read it.

I didn't know it was about those people.

I thought it was about yourself and you were being a fucking dick, you know?

No, it's about the journey.

It's about what I saw, what I felt, whatever.

Yeah, let's hear it.

Okay.

Yeah.

And it's.

Did you prove reading glasses with us?

Do you need to read it?

I got my glasses.

It's even on the letterhead.

I had to have them printed up because it's on the

paper.

Wow, papyrus in a place you didn't go to.

Yeah.

So this is this kind of encapsulates the whole journey.

Hope you'll indulge me.

It's about two minutes long.

Yeah, okay.

And it's called The Journey.

Ready?

Yeah.

In the adventurer's heart there stirs many dreams to seek out the world's treasures, its forest and streams.

And so on a whim we leave what we know and travel into the sunset and its beckoning glow.

We land on an ancient mountain, breathing soft's mystic mist, an ancient people's temple the sun god has kissed.

Lost deep in time, like a sad ancient ghost, the stones still stand strong on their green emerald host, as if still awaiting the Incas' return, unaware that their flame no longer burns.

And then whisk to an island we continue the trek, so far removed, a mere tiny speck, but guarded by giants, perhaps to keep us away, worn down by time and the cold ocean spray.

They stare to the heavens with wide vacant eyes, dark orbs filled with nothing, no hows and no whys.

It's as if they look through us and straight past the sea, these monoliths so silent, peering into infinity.

And in the blink of an eye, we're in a place twice as nice, a tropical Eden just short of paradise.

Tahitian magic blows in the seductive twilight breeze.

Romance and intrigue whispers through the palm trees.

And in the fiery burning sun, slips behind the imagination, the sky splashed with pink, passion, and sensation.

And like a seabird always hungry and searching for more, we continue on our journey to the Great Barrier Shore.

The reef spans forever a turquoisy blue, like the penetrating eyes of a lover we once knew.

And just below the surface of this aqua oasis, the fish and the coral all take their places in an underwater ballet of color and form, of diversity and complexity, from where was it born.

But with no time to ponder again, we are gone, to a land that still vibrates to the strike of the gong, where jungle meets man in a struggle for power, trees coil around culture and slowly devour.

As if taking back what was rightfully theirs, roofs suffocate like pythons and walls and stairs.

Monuments to elephants and the sweet lotus blossom, four faces watch timelessly, all playing possum.

Oblivious to our customs, belief, and modern haze, they focus on enlightenment and their spiritual ways.

And then, like an echo, we're called to move on to a land shadowed by Himalayas, jagged and strong.

Like razor-sharp fangs in a billowy shroud, they burst from the earth and tear open the clouds.

And far down below, humans scurry like ants, millions all moving in a chaotic dance.

and watching with stealth, without bending the grass, a sad Bengal tiger, his sign is time soon to pass, forsaken by man, his reign crushed by need,

his royal bones and skin consumed by greed.

And will we ever notice as we all turn our backs, no time to think, just time to pack?

Now in a country where each face wears the ages, India's history written on tattered worn-out pages Children and swine swear at sharing lunch in the gutter The dirt and pollution makes us all shudder But there in the nucleus of a society gone awry A white marble shrine that will never die Erected in the squalor a tribute to the heart A place where even death could not pull them apart And it was there in the children an innocent glow Unaware of a better life that they'd never know.

And then we moved on to our last scheduled stop, a place so much older than the hands of the clock, the dark continent, the true mother earth, the place of our origin, the land of our birth, where lions freeze the blood with an eerie gold stare, as if to ask us, why are we there?

Fooling ourselves that we're at the top of the chain, but not asking ourselves, what price have we we paid?

From the never-ending pulse of the thundering falls to the vibrant moon night and the myriad of calls.

We bring into question our place on this sphere.

Where are we going?

How do we steer?

The crickets don't know as they sing so afar on a black velvet night under glistening stars.

And so, in the end, our voyage never ceases.

From vast open plains to wide windswept beaches.

What have I learned after seeing it all?

That our lives are but a heartbeat and we're all so very small.

And we just keep on searching through the laughter and strife.

We continue exploring this gift we call life.

Damn, buddy.

That was great.

What do they say about that?

I mean, if they know you at all, they're like, well, this is not on branch.

I think they were just like...

That was beautiful.

Thank you very much.

That was beautiful.

What a gift to everybody, too.

Well, that's what some of them said.

And I was very out of my element because that's not what I'm known for.

No.

And I was very nervous and I was very bashful to read it.

But I thought God channeled these words through me and we did this thing together.

I want to share it with them.

I don't want to make them laugh.

Yeah.

I want to share it with them.

And they're all kind of silent.

And they all came up afterwards and they were just very moved.

And they all asked for a copy

of it.

But there was one moment that,

and when I read it, I almost, you asked me earlier, did I cry?

Because that was so fresh to me when I read it.

I actually started getting emotional reading it.

I could feel myself choking up when I was there.

It was such an emotional thing.

It's such a spiritual trip, this trip.

It's like uncovering ideas about the world and yourself and your culture all over a fucking, mostly over a month period.

It's so tight.

Yeah.

And I think there must have been some kinship with all these other people, too.

There was.

And I think this sort of kind of brought it all together and it bonded us.

But the most

kind of beautiful moment for me is, which I didn't expect, obviously we had the staff who worked at this lodge.

And of course, it was primarily locals and African children and African teenagers.

And as you know, that's another place of the world where

there's not a lot of money for a lot of people.

And

one of the boys, like about a young 16-year-old boy, African boy, was watching and they're all very well dressed.

They really look great.

And he just was staring at me.

And he walked up to me at the end.

And he just stared at me.

And he goes,

He goes, mister, that was beautiful.

How did you do that?

Like, I could see he was just, he'd never heard anything like that.

Whether it's good or bad, I don't know, but he had never heard it.

And I could see he goes, I want to write like that.

And it was just this moment where I didn't know what to do.

And I had a pen with me.

And I said,

I was trying to be this kind of prolific guy.

And I just said, I said,

my friend, I wrote this with this pen.

I said,

take this pen, and I want you to write whatever comes into your head.

I want you to write your dreams.

And he just looked at it, and it just, it was just a beautiful moment, whether he went on to do anything with it or not.

But I wanted to find a way to encourage him to know that anyone can do this, and just it's all just in your hand, and in your brain, and in your pen.

And that was kind of the end of the trip.

And it was like just the most beautiful ending that it touched this boy.

Wow.

And that was it.

And that was my trip around the world from a pamphlet that I almost threw in the garbage can.

I mean,

wow.

I was not expecting a serious poem from you.

You weren't.

Nobody was.

No.

Nobody was.

They thought I was going to do a comedy bit.

And that's how moved I was by everything I saw.

And it was such a that's why I wanted to share it with you today.

It was such a beautiful.

Mean trip of a fucking lifestyle.

It was.

It was.

And I've been on other trips to other places all over the world too, but this one was so special that I thought you might appreciate it if I shared it with you.

Have you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Had you been traveling to like a like remote place like this before this?

Yes.

Here or there?

Yeah, I hadn't been to places this exotic, but I'd been to like, you know, Germany, I'd been to Paris, I'd been to, you know, France, obviously.

I'd been to Scotland, Ireland.

But not like the exotic.

But I hadn't been to these real exotic,

which are the places you kind of want to go when you come from our culture.

Because these are the places that

we've never experienced.

Yeah.

I mean, Germany is like a great place to do drugs and dance, or like Paris is like.

Oh, Schodeinukjuggin.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's all great, but this was sort of

just, it was so exotic.

And multiple extinct cultures.

Yeah.

And to do it all, just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, it was, it was amazing.

Wow.

I bet everybody else is older.

I bet, because it's like, we can't afford this.

I had Monroe Martin a comic.

He did a, he did a, um, in Kenya, he did a safari, but it was, he did gigs there.

The guy organized, like, I can get you and your wife, like, tickets if you want.

So he's like 28, and he's with all these like 69 year old 70 year old people and they'll just look at it i'm like how did you she's fucking young black guy how did you get are you are you in the he goes oh i got it for free and they're like we saved our whole fucking lives for this yeah and i worked hard for this like i yeah sure it's not it's not nothing this was one of my first sort of like i went from canada with nothing gambled everything on hollywood did started to do well and i thought you know what this is sort of a reward this is a culmination of all my hard work this is something I've always wanted to do.

And I kind of thought they undervalued it.

I thought, I think they might have made a mistake.

And sure enough, like I said, when I went back, it.

Did you have trouble taking this much time off?

No, I do it every year.

Jews didn't tell you, like, no, come on, we're doing stuff.

We're doing this.

Who?

Your agents or managers?

No, no, I don't listen to that.

I create my own schedule in life.

I take time off every year.

Like this year already, I've been to the Galapagos Islands.

Yeah,

I always go somewhere new every year.

Really?

Yeah, that's part of my commitment to seeing the rooms in my house.

Wow.

Yeah, every year I go somewhere exotic or different or,

yeah.

I try to do two new countries a year.

Me and Paul Morrissey got, we were in

a festival in Switzerland.

They flew us out there, like five Americans.

And he was like, let's go from here to Amsterdam.

Yeah.

And he was like, let's do two new ones ones a year.

And it, it just having that goal

gets you to like move around.

Yeah, and when I went to Tahiti, it was like I only had one that year, and I was like, Fuck, all right, after Christmas, we'll go there for New Year's for like four days, five days.

Yeah, without that goal, I wouldn't have gone.

Yeah, it always helps when you go somewhere and you're like, you know what?

I'm here.

Why don't I just go to Japan since I don't know if I'll ever be back?

Right, right, right.

So, you got to take advantage of it.

Yeah,

I mean, we do have also like non-norm core lives, so yeah, you can go

unless you're on some movie in the middle of it, you're like, or before the next movie starts,

there's no boss, you're the boss.

We're the boss.

That was part of the whole thing when I was younger.

It's like, I want to be able to see

my world and

figure out how do I do that and be in control.

What were the other poems about?

Well, I told you I have a poem about when I went to see the Silverback Gorillas.

They're shorter, those poems, but I went on a trek to the Silverback Gorillas.

On this trip?

That was a separate trip.

And then I did another trip where I went on Safari again and had a really cool encounter with lions where I saw them take down a kill.

And so I wrote a poem about that, too.

And that's a different trip.

Different trip, yeah.

I wonder if you should do that the next time you come on or this one.

A poem, an episode.

It's up to you.

I don't want to crowd the house, my guy.

Maybe we should.

Yeah.

You did a safari, though.

Fuck, I kind of want to hear him, but also it would go well as a feature for every time you're on here.

All right, let's save him.

Let's save him.

Okay.

Let's save them.

Save them.

Yeah, a poem each time.

Yeah, you got to come back and listen.

I didn't know you were this into fucking seeing the world.

Yeah.

Yeah, you got to come back next time you're in New York or if we're in Austin together.

I'll bring another poem.

Okay.

Yeah.

Are you?

Do you have pictures and shit at home?

Yeah, I can send you like checks.

I'll send you the nose picker for sure.

Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure.

Do that one.

I have some good pictures, and I can send you some.

I'll email them to you.

Yeah, I'll put them into the episode on the YouTube.

Dude, where else is calling you right now?

You know,

this is going to sound horrible, but I've been to so many places.

I'm sort of

running out because

I'm more of a nature guy, so I like my adventures to kind of circulate around nature.

And so I'm trying to find that next place where I can.

I've been thinking about Madagascar

possibly.

Where did you point to?

Mongolia.

What's there?

Is that where the Mongols are?

Rhodes is always talking about.

Yeah, I think the original retards were from there.

And, you know, Rhodes went to, did a gig in Ulan Batur, and he's like, they like comedy, and they'll take you around to like these way outside places.

Yeah, and you'll see some of that.

Tom Rhodes?

Yeah.

Oh, okay, maybe that's that.

I've never been to Mongolia.

Yeah.

And the way he described it was like, it's like nature-y-based.

You get out of the city instantly and then just go whatever.

Yeah, okay, good.

Thank you.

But Madagascar would be cool.

Where's that?

That's Africa.

That's off of Africa.

That's where it's.

It's got all the crazy trees and lemurs.

Oh, yeah.

And all the animals are cartoons.

I've seen these.

Yeah, these sort of cartoons, yeah.

And they have the voice of Ben Stiller.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Weird place.

Yeah, they talk like Ben Stiller.

Yeah, really weird.

So, yeah, that's a possibility, but there's probably millions of places I haven't looked at yet, but the big ones I sort of hit, but you know.

They have these,

we did an

I was in Myanmar and we did like a three-day hike, you know, where they put you up in a couple places, they take your bags to the last place.

And then the friends I did it with, we met up again in Austria and we went along the Austrian-Italy border for like eight days, staying in these huts and stuff.

Really?

But we were talking about like, there must be that, like the Appalachian Trail, Pacific Coast Trail, there must be those all over China.

Like long, long, like month-long trails.

Oh, yeah.

There must be everywhere.

And I want to kind of find some of those.

What's a place you've never been that you want to hit?

Like top, top of the list?

Tokyo's up there.

Morocco is way, way up there.

Tokyo, I was there last year.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

Yeah.

Seems like one of those cities where it's like, it's not just a bustling city, it's a specific thing.

That's great.

It's, I won't spoil it.

You Just go, just do it.

I went to see the snow monkeys.

Oh, yeah.

Just do it.

Yeah.

We're over Morocco.

You've been to Morocco?

No.

That's Pokemon.

I was in Paris for a writing class a couple years ago, and it's so close.

I just went to De Roy.

And I saw his flights.

It was like one way, $79.

I'm like, I should go.

Wow.

And I just couldn't swing it with time, and I still fucking regret it.

I should have just tacked it onto the end and gone there for like two weeks.

$79?

Yeah, it was just like one-way flights to like four different cities in Morocco.

no no flights one i was already there the writing class oh and i was like i could just hop over to morocco oh dude

yeah so that one's calling me i don't know

iran seems fun and that seems like a fun place a lot of excitement right now hey fun hey legitimately um iran has also beautiful nature

like my friend from switzerland went there and i was like it's not dangerous she goes you're talking that's like three little areas yeah she's like the rest is all just great great hikes and fucking beautiful outdoors.

That's the thing.

Everywhere has incredible nature.

Like, everywhere.

Yeah.

Sometimes I'll be on the road, just

like going from like one gig to another, and then you just like see a big green patch on the map.

The state parks and the national parks, forget the national parks, but even the like, yeah, the state parks are like, you could walk for miles and miles and never hear a sound of humans.

Yeah, you get surprised.

Sometimes you'll just like, I was in Bakersfield recently and found an onion field and just went in there and cried for hours.

It was just like,

it was just emotionally

like therapy.

You're talking about from the onions?

Yeah.

Nice, bro.

Thanks.

All right.

Well, usually I ask people for like a general travel tip, but I think you gave me a do the safari alone.

I think you already gave me one, unless you have another one.

Oh, no, yeah, do the safari alone.

Or if you're with one friend or two friends,

stay away from big groups.

And

I guess my big tip was, you know, follow your voice.

Like, don't be inhibited by, like, if you're with a friend, go, hey, do you want to do this?

I'm not going to ask them because they probably won't.

Like, you might only be there once.

If there's something to do, do it.

If they say, hey, we're getting up at 5 a.m.

to go look for, you know, Cayman in the Amazon.

I went with a buddy and he goes, I'm going to sleep.

And I said, well, we're only here once.

I got up at 5 a.m.

and, you know, I only heard.

And an hour later, I had a tarantula crawling up my leg in the Amazon jungle.

And I got back and he's like, how was it?

And I go, dude, you shouldn't have slept.

Like, if you're there, get up and go.

And don't be afraid to do things.

Like, that's the thing.

You're there.

Experience as much as you can because you won't be there long.

So that's my tip.

I like that.

We went to Costa Rica.

I took my dad for his 80th birthday, Costa Rica.

We go on hikes every morning in the place we went before breakfast.

And my brother's always like, wake me up tomorrow.

I'm like, you want to get up?

He's like, no, no.

And then later he's like, fuck, I missed these fucking seeing two cans and monkeys with dad in the fucking morning.

What did I do?

You go to sleep?

First sleep.

Like, dude, you came all this way.

Like, be a little tired, but

do it.

So there you go.

Buddy, this was a fucking massive shock.

Every time I have somebody coming in that I don't know, no, I mean, I know you, but I don't really know you.

It's like, let's see how it goes.

I don't know.

I've had to to throw away a few episodes because I'm like, that was just a resort talk.

Yeah.

But this, what a fucking trip.

And you were that close to chucking it.

I'm not kidding.

I was just about to release my fingers and let it go.

And then I saw, all I saw was National Geographic Around the World private jet.

And I went, and I pulled it back and I went, wait a minute.

Just send your junk mail.

Boom.

Yeah.

And Wade Davis and Charles Doherty were there too?

Wade Davis is this giant like intellectual.

He writes books.

He's a mechanical explorer.

The guy was a genius.

He's sitting there talking to us.

He was amazing.

He spent more than three years in the Amazon and Andes as a plant explorer.

Yeah.

Living among 15 indigenous groups.

These were legit people.

Because we have these long flights from here to Easter Island, they would give us lectures on the plane and do slideshows and educate us.

It was

amazing.

Yeah,

it doesn't even make sense, the price.

It really doesn't.

Just to take a first-class jet to, let's say, Australia.

Oh, yeah.

A first-class ticket would be $10,000, $12,000 just for the flight.

Yeah.

Higher.

$25,000.

For $30,000,

I went all over the world on

a coach flight around, but it's your own private jet.

Private jet with a chef on board.

How many people did the trip?

Like about 70, 75.

And Juicy Harvey.

And Juicy Juicy Harvey.

74 and Juicy JH.

Thank you.

Long live Juicy, bro.

It was juicy.

The next time you come in, it's going to be the return of Juicy Harvey.

What are you doing tonight?

I'm going to go over to the garden.

Do you like...

Are you a pancake and waffle guy?

I'm not at naught.

Do you like pure maple syrup?

I mean, yeah, that's got to be in your.

Because

I have a tap in a country

down the road.

And if you want some country pancakes later, I got some pure country syrup.

What do you mean?

Like, you know how they get syrup from maple trees?

Yeah.

You put the tap in and it drips.

I have a country down the road, and I can get some syrup.

We could have some country syrup.

We can milk that fucking country.

Yeah, buttermilk pancakes and country syrup.

100%.

I'm 100% in.

Thanks.

Yeah, funny.

Thank you.

Thank you.

God damn.

All right.

All right.

Thanks, everybody.

I'll do the inserts and stuff, but fuck.

You on the road a lot?

A bit, and I'm doing my podcast, The Harlend Highway, if you want to.

The Harlend Highway.

And I want you to come on it next time you're in L.A.

1,000%.

I'd love to have you on.

The thousand percent.

So

I'm now sort of remembering more.

That claymation show was a travel show.

Gary and Mike, yeah.

Gary and Mike.

It was about two two guys following the

what's the trail across America?

The Route 66?

No, the

Davis and Thomas Trail or the oh, it's a famous, oh, it's the

two explorers, the

something trail.

It's named after two guys.

Yeah.

Lewis and Clark.

Lewis and Clark.

So it's these guys follow the Lewis and Clark Trail in a converted.

The show is called Gary and Mike.

Yeah.

And it was a claymation show.

It was funny.

I used to watch it before I went to bed after after spots.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Brian Cranston used to do all the little extra voices.

Like if there was a character, like a cop, hey, you guys, move.

He would do that.

Brian did all these things before Breaking Bad, and he was so

should have stayed with that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now he's got to carry around all these statues for no reason.

All right, Harlan Highway.

Check it out, everybody.

And

whatever.

God damn.

Thanks, buddy.

Thanks, buddy.

Safe travels.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

That is the episode.

Man, that was fucking cool.

So when Harlan came in, he was like, I told him, like, hey, I want to cover like, I cover one country.

He goes, well, I've been to a few places.

Well, the coolest thing was he came in and saw the map

in the background of the student.

He's just looking at it, which a lot of people do.

It's just like, you know, it draws the eye.

And

I was like, where have you been?

He goes, everywhere.

I'm like, no, like on here, like, where have you been?

He goes, yeah, kind of everywhere, man.

I was like, I didn't understand it until he was like telling me all this.

But

he was like, I've got like a trip with a few countries.

And I'm like, I really try to cover like one country per.

And he was like, okay, I can do that.

But I kind of have this other idea.

Dude, there's this thing I do

to

like sometimes I'll get like some like really high level person and I and I go

do it my way.

And then I realized I got to trust my driver.

Bridget Everett did my storytelling show once.

And I was like, oh, but Bridget, it's a story.

You can't like do a song.

And she was like, well, I kind of like do stuff through song.

And I'm like,

and I was like, you know what?

Just do it.

And she did this.

It was at the improv one time.

This long

song story where she slowly revealed details of some celebrity she fucked through like metaphor of the movie titles they've been in until they figured it out.

It was so fucking crushing.

And I put somebody in, I forget who I put, at the end of the show.

And I was like, no, you have to go after Bridget because I don't know if she knows how to do this.

And then as our, it was Mike Lawrence, was at the end.

And as

he was watching it, he's like, come on, man, she should have been at the end.

So I'm glad I did this with

Harlan too, where it was,

where it was like, yeah, okay, do what you want.

And this trip around the world was so fucking epic.

God damn.

That guy's got to come back.

He's got to come back onto this podcast.

to do something else.

He said he would.

It's cool, too, when a guy like that was like, we're not just going to do your regular like puns and stuff that you do, but like, we're just going to talk about this.

Oh, man, it was so fucking cool.

Would have been cooler if you didn't have to miss those countries.

Yeah, he fucking goes for it.

I didn't realize he was so great at it, but

yeah, anyway, so that's the episode.

Hope you guys enjoyed it.

Today's episode was produced by the Your Mom's House Network.

It was edited by Alan Caffey.

Alan, did you do this one?

He's not there.

I'm talking to myself.

What do you think of the studio?

What's his name?

I forgot his name.

Marcus Laporte built this whole fucking thing.

Can you use the wide shot here?

If you can't, you can't.

A lot of this stuff, if you don't know, am I in shot here?

Is shit I got on the road.

This I bought from a fucking in Otabalo.

This, not.

This I got from a fan.

This I got in Ecuador.

Is there my book in here?

Oh, you fucking bitch.

This is mine.

I was looking for it.

The power that preserved.

Nope, that's not it.

I'm still missing my book.

I want to replace all this shit with fucking real souvenirs that I get.

But a lot of them are mine.

Well, it's a one-shot.

All that, that.

Anyway.

Where was I?

Sign up for the Patreon.

I think that's it.

Oh, so afterwards, I was talking to Harlan about it a little bit.

And

he was like, sent me a picture of him petting a rhino.

I'm like, where the fuck is this from?

And then he sent me a long voicemail about petting this fucking rhino at a safari, this baby rhino, and I was skin felt.

So I'm just going to play that right now.

Remind you, my pre-sale starts October 16th with the following dates.

No added dates, probably till 2027, at minimum till like, till like late, late 2026.

It's the farewell tour.

Unless you can think of a better name, then I'll change it.

But regardless, here are the dates.

Tahoe, 50-50, the rest.

Pittsburgh, starting in January.

Providence, Salt Lake City, Brea, Nashville, New Jersey, Tampa, Denver, Schaumburg, Atlanta, Atlanta, Portland, Jacksonville, San Jose, Fort Lauderdale, Seattle, Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary.

Atlanta's at the,

I forget where Rogan taped a special.

Ah, damn, weed.

I need to smoke some.

Tickets are at arieshavir.com.

Promo code Ari on October 16th.

They'll all go on sale.

And once they're gone, they're gone, guys.

Wait, did I have Salt Lake City in there?

I did.

That's it.

Please subscribe.

And until next week, Rolf Potts, the great writer, Rolf Potts, who wrote this book.

You guys remember him from all my episodes on Skeptic Tank?

He's coming in next week to talk about Syria.

His time there as a young lad.

That should be epic.

Sign up so you get notified.

We won't bother you with anything.

Right?

I'm putting up some of my commercials because I think they're funny, but then people got mad.

So no more notifications on those.

But Rolf Potts, the man who wrote Vagabonding and The Vagabond's Way.

On next week to talk about Syria.

Until next week, everybody,

a trip around the world with Harlan Williams.

Now let's hear about his fucking adventures.

I guess audio only.

Put a picture over it or something.

Bye.

I know that.

I told you that guy was digging, digging for gold.

The rhinoceros was at the Tiger Tops Lodge.

I forgot to mention it when we talked, but

a monsoon had washed his mother away away and he survived.

And this

baby rhino, believe it or not, that's a baby.

He started showing up at the lodge and he would just hang around for like, you know, an hour or so.

And he loved to just suck on your hand.

If you put your hand up near his mouth, he just loved to suck on it.

I don't know if it was the salt on our skin or whatever, but he'd just like gently suck on your hand for like five minutes.

It was so, so amazing.

And the thing was like a tank.

Like

it looked small, but when it just turned its head, it would knock you over.

It was just so powerful and muscular.

And

yeah, that was one of the highlights, too.

I totally forgot to mention it.

Yeah, man, I'm glad you liked the pictures.

And yeah, man, thanks again, Ari.

That was so much fun, man.

Cheers, buddy.