Rio De Janeiro w/ Matt McCusker | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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Where you been and where you going?

This is our Reese Travel Show.

Yeah, we're gonna talk about travel today.

It's you be trippin', yeah.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to UB Trippin', the only podcast made with 100% recyclable materials.

Every episode, my guest and I fucking, I don't know, we hear about travel stuff.

Nice.

Yeah.

Matt McCusker today.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming.

Wow, man.

Whoa.

Wow.

Am I not used to that?

It's the Ubi Trippin' Studios West, everybody.

I'm in a weird new spot

at an Autistic Learning Center

where these kids are really trying to get their lives back on track.

We're really trying to help them.

Good claps, everybody.

Hey, Matt.

How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good, man.

Pretty good.

I'm pretty awkward with starting this.

Yeah, it's tough.

Luckily, we do have a topic, but I feel pretty good.

My knees are wet.

I don't know how.

Somehow, between driving here and walking in the studio, my knees got wet.

So I don't know.

What happened there?

I peed in the bathroom, so I don't know if I got like severe splashback on both knees.

That could have happened.

Yeah, yeah.

So I might have pee pants.

Did you sit down when you pee?

And by sit down, I mean crouch?

No, it was urinal.

So I don't know.

I also might have just dipped my knees in there.

So I don't know.

I have wet knees, but they're drying now.

You ever get too high a urinal?

Too high of a urinal?

It's like the low is tough, whatever, but the high one where it's like your balls are almost at the level of the urinal.

I don't think so.

Some people put them in too high.

Some people with the stalls get a little perverted and toss in like a too big of a gap.

Too big gap, yeah.

I'm kind of taking a dump and I'm like, this is

some of this has been kind of by design.

Yeah.

Or no divider between the urinals is always kind of like, what is this?

Oh, yeah.

It's like, dude, come on, man.

It's a piece of metal.

It's not that hard.

It's four screws, piece of metal.

Instead, I'm just like, you know, because you can't help but glance.

Yeah, yeah.

I usually come from behind people.

Really?

Yeah, I'd just be like, you done yet?

They're like, there's another one.

I'm like, I know, but I just thought it was one at a time.

I thought we're going to be.

It's big so big.

That's why you're peeing for so long.

Speaking of long peas,

let's go to Brazil.

Yeah, dude.

So, when'd you go?

What year would that have been?

I was probably like 20 or 21.

So, it would have been like 2008.

Okay.

It was when I was a realtor.

So, I became a realtor during the subprime mortgage crisis.

In 2008.

Yeah.

I became a realtor, I think, like right before the subprime mortgage crisis happened.

So I was like knocking on doors, doing realtor stuff.

And then I was like, you know what?

I'm going on, I'm going to Brazil.

Wait, the knocking on doors is just, it was, were you going, hey, you can just get a loan.

You don't have to be equipped for it.

I can get you one.

No, what I would do is you'd get the days on the market.

So you'd print stuff out and you'd see when listings were about to expire.

So you're like, you're about to expire in like two days.

Let's, are you going back with your, the same guy or not?

So you'd knock on their door.

Oh, weird.

So what you said, fuck all this?

well i was also i was doing like doing like an internship at school and my co-worker was going to brazil and his friend bailed last minute he's like would you go and i was like for sure just trip just like fun just for fun where rio de janeiro damn nice yeah so which apparently everyone i talked to from brazil is like why did you go there i'm like i don't know i was 20 and that's apparently the spot what do you mean why would you go They said like the, there's like countryside and like forest north of that that's like beautiful, but it's also like, that's the only place, the big Jesus statue.

The big Jesus statue.

Yeah.

I was like, dude, I'm obviously going to go there.

I was in East Timor, and they're like, we built the second largest Jesus statue here.

And I'm like, was Brazil after you?

And they go, no, Brazil was first.

We built a second.

I'm like, by design?

And then bragged.

You're second best.

That's nuts.

And then bragged.

The second largest Jesus statue.

My metro stop in Maryland had the second largest escalator in North America.

Really?

That's what they said.

Yeah, Charlie.

I twisted it.

Yeah, Yeah, hard.

It'd be nice to bust that myth.

They really bragged the second largest.

It's got to be pretty fucking big, actually.

It took a while.

That's pretty tight.

Yeah, I love these people that are like there, and they're like, why don't you go to this place?

Your country is a vacation to me.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm not going to the best beaches.

I was pleased.

I was happy with it, but it was.

I will say it is a bit dangerous.

Yeah, right?

Danger lurked.

I didn't know how much danger lurked there.

2008, was this the Olympics time?

No.

This would have been before that.

i saw a montage video of just pickpockets in rio yeah crime's pretty devil the poverty there is pretty serious um

yeah it's pretty bad like you that was my first time seeing like different country poverty and being like because you got i flew into sao paulo then you take like i think it was like a three-hour bus into rio and you go through like these like neighborhoods and you can like you don't go like through the favela but you can see them on hills where it's like it's like i forget that video game uh it's like fallout or something where you're like constructing stuff out of like pieces of metal on the beach that's for real what the houses look like it's nuts like sheet metal it was pretty insane did they tell you to go there or not go there oh they'll don't go there they have to all they told me i went there for one day all they were like don't go yeah don't yeah they were like don't go and i knew one guy one guy went one like there was like a lot of australians there when i was there and they went swedish guy the swedish guy had parents who were like honduran or something so we kind of could blend a little bit yeah but he went there and he said it was like very fucked up because also don't they get robbed as well It's not like they're just targeting tourists.

If they find out you're not from there, but he went down there.

I think he went down there to buy Coke.

So they were like, they sold him Coke and he left.

Yeah, I wonder how much they want to protect that market, too.

Like, no, no, he's cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, they're probably happy to sell drugs to people, but I would have definitely gotten fucked up.

Yeah.

And I was wearing the whole time.

I was wearing like a Brazil t-shirt, my flip-flops, and I had like a thing hanging from my neck with all my important documents.

Don't rob me.

I'm Brazilian.

I was totally camouflaged how long did you go for i think it was like 10 days how long out did you know you were gonna go was it just like it was long and it was i had enough time to get a visa because i didn't know i had to get a visa then i found that out i had to like drive to new york and get a visa come back so it was like i had a couple months so it was pretty like spur of the moment in terms of all the stuff i had to do that's so fucking sick Yeah, it was dude, exactly.

Yeah.

It's like I could never do that again, probably, but it's nice being 20 and being like, yeah, I'll go to Brazil.

And I got a credit card at the time.

So I just put it on a credit card.

Yeah.

Never paid it.

This won't never come back to haunt me.

And I was like, I'm going to make so much money in real estate.

I'll pay this back as soon as I get back.

Dude, I love how they give out credit cards on college campuses.

That's what happened to me.

It's like, I'm unequipped to understand the realities of this.

Dude, I was late.

You get a free t-shirt?

I was late for class.

And I was like, I can't.

I'm late.

And they're like, we'll give you free pizza.

And I was like, yeah, sign me up.

And they were like, okay, cool.

And they took me through the steps, signed me up.

And they're like 0% interest for a year.

And I was like, right on.

Right on.

And I just, it was like, it was probably like $2,500, three grand.

And I just racked it so hard.

Nice.

Yeah, it was.

It was.

You ever hear about Stanhope's thing with his mom?

He goes, his mom died.

And so he's like, shit, we got to tell whatever the government.

Yeah.

But he goes, we don't have to tell MasterCard yet.

He goes, she was buying me stuff for quite some time.

Yeah.

And I think he told it on my storytelling show or another one.

But when I saw him tell it, he was like, so today is 10 years after death, which is also the statute of limitations on credit card fraud so yeah

yeah you really can that is honestly the honor system credit cards are for the most part the honor system yeah you gotta pay this back

sure yeah dude they're they are they're like weak bookies they're just kind of like yo you owe us money you're like shut up

off

nerds 20 grand they'll try to like sue you i think but even then it's like You can settle too.

Yeah.

Nobody knows that.

If once they get it to a creditor, the creditor bought it for half price.

So you'd be like, how about half price?

Or you'll never get anything.

I kept that at zero dollar.

They were like, dude, we will settle.

And I was like, because they rack it up so high, too.

They're like, it went from like $2,500 to like $7,000.

And they were like, we'll take a thousand bucks.

And I was like, nah, zero.

How about stop wasting your money?

About zero, dude.

Okay.

How about $600?

No.

I told them on principle.

I was like, I can't pay you guys.

And at the time, my rationale was they raised the interest rate on me.

And

I signed up for a variable rate.

But they were like, I was like, I didn't know what that meant and they're like well too bad and they i was like well i'm not paying you guys the money i owe you sort of fair though i was like you guys raised the rate on me you're trying to take advantage i i was like we had a gentleman's agreement i was like i'm not paying you guys this i heard a story of some fucking harvard law professor you know they send you like three sheets of paper with all the like the rules for credit card yeah he wrote back with red marker new rules and sent it back and they sent him a credit card didn't look at it and then it was no you pay me two percent what yeah and then uh they went he was like no, I'm not paying.

They're like, you owe us this much.

Like, no, no, you owe me.

Look at the, look at the stuff I sent.

And they're like, oh, no, what is this?

And then they went to court.

What?

And the judge was like, yeah, this is all correctly legal.

He crossed it out with red and marked it.

Oh, and then they had to pay 2% off the money he owed them or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Peace.

Wait, so what'd you get into while you were there?

What'd you do?

So, so I remember flying in.

We get to Sao Paulo.

And I remember like eating basically like a Fogo de Chao kind of place, but it was like a real low-key restaurant.

I'm like, dude, the food here, I had no idea about anything about Brazil.

I'm like, steak here is amazing.

Love that.

So I just eat some steak.

Then we took a bus ride into Rio.

And then we stayed in a hostel

right off the beach.

So I really, I just got there and was just like getting drunk, hanging out with people from other countries.

It was so much fun.

I was in a hostel with like

a room with like 12 other people.

Yeah.

And then we were getting, I didn't know what bed bugs were at the time.

So I was in a room with 12 people.

And then it was like, then it was like eight people, then six people.

And then it was just me and a dude.

And I'm like, yo, where did everybody go in our room?

He's like, oh, we have bed bugs.

And I was watching the guy spray matches.

And I was like, like, from like the nursery rhyme bed bugs.

I was like, who gives a fuck?

So I just like laid in that room by myself.

And I was getting little bites and stuff, but I didn't know they were like highly contagious.

Yeah, I might have bought them to America, dude.

I was, I just lived in bed bugs for like.

just chilled and I was like, oh, these are nothing.

I love the other guy too.

He's like, no, they have bed bugs.

That's why they left.

I'm like, why are you still here?

I didn't know.

Why are you still here in the know?

He was getting out.

So I was just like, oh, fuck.

And I did one more night.

And then the dude, I think the other guy had a different room.

And then we, I like upgraded so we could share like a small room.

Because I was kind of like, I was paranoid too.

So I was like sleeping with my stuff.

I thought people were going to take it from me.

Dude, it's so fun being in a new country at any age, too, where you're like, what's the deal here?

Is everyone going to rob me?

Is no one going to rob me?

Yeah.

I got robbed.

It turns out I got robbed.

No.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I was just there.

Like, I would chill at the beach because I was right near Coba Cabana.

So I was in a hot.

The way I could find it.

Coba Cabana is like a big beach in Rio.

Okay.

And dude, too, when you're there, like, this is what got me.

Like, you're on the beach there.

It's, it is, I think, the most beautiful scenery I've ever seen.

Because it's, like, mountains coming out from the beach itself.

So there's, like, you'd like watch the sunset, and then there'd be, like, mountains around you and a beach, and then there'd be, like, mountains coming out of the water.

It's crazy.

It's so nice.

Did you look that up?

Oh, dude, look up Copacabana Beach.

Is Copacabana what the song is about?

Or is that a nightclub?

Maybe.

I'm thinking of the girl from Ipanema.

That's different.

Probably.

But,

dude, it's so fucking beautiful.

Oh, wow.

There's like Mountain.

You see, like Mountain.

I've never seen Mountains and the beach in one place.

Damn.

It's so nice.

It's like a built-up lost.

Yeah, for real.

And also, too, the women there are like,

I remember at the time, it's like the, you know, if you're like walking around like New York or somewhere, you're like, oh, man, there's like a, you'll see like the hottest shake you'll ever see.

That's like standard.

It's like one after the other after the other.

There's no like plain Janes.

At least I barely, i barely notice them there's a barely any plain janes every it's like eight eight eight ten ten ten ten a very serviceable seven that you're like whoa do you notice this do you notice fat chicks like working it i mean like i didn't see i don't think i even seen any well also it's the plastic surgery capital of the world as well how interesting so like yeah you just get like right even a fat daughter she goes right to the shop just like

fix her this is impossible you can't be beat there i saw a fat chick there or like a few of them on the beach but but like thongs and like, I don't give a fuck.

Oh, they're letting it hang.

Yeah, yeah, the bathing suits sit there.

They're ahead of the food fat.

Yeah.

There's no like wrinkly fat there.

No, you don't see it.

It's, it's, I remember I was stunned by that.

So, so that was pretty much, I like got there and I was like hanging out doing stuff.

I remember I would like the amount of prostitutes, I was overwhelmed.

Like I would sit and eat soup by myself and like a lady would make eye contact with me and I'd be like, What's up?

All of a sudden, there'd be like six of them.

And I'm like, oh no.

No.

I'd be swarmed by hooks.

did you get any obviously yeah okay good it could have gone either way i just kissed them that was how much what was the what was the deal with them how do you get them how much are they they bother they're they're they're like door-to-door salespeople wow you if you're eating like i'd be eating and i'd like man there's a couple ladies over there as soon as you make eye contact i wasn't even trying to i'd look at them and they'd like they run over to your table and they're like they start like flattering you like oh you look like branchy peachy and they start like telling you oh it's nice and you're like

yeah yeah probably i can see that and then uh yeah and then they just are like we'll have sex with you for basically what would amount to like finding change in your car in America.

Very little?

Street hookers.

It's like, dude, it's so low with a conversion rate.

Oh, my God.

And I guess there's so much competition that it's for real.

It's like, it sounds like kind of cheesy, but it is like irresponsible not to do it.

I mean, you got to solve the economy.

You got to help the local economy.

And you have fake money.

It's their monopoly money.

And you're just like, you're like tricking them with it.

Yeah, you're taking your worthless currency.

The only place it doesn't work out is Australia, where it's like 98 to one and so it's like oh this is the same i've just been throwing it away this means nothing i try to give people in australia i try to give them american money like here's a little something for you they're like

we can't use this gonna lose in exchange

but no yeah so they're you know they're where do you go with them where do you how do you do it to just go to the beach and that's what they tell you though they say stay off the beach early in the morning or late at night so it's like you know what you just go right to the beach at nighttime and fuck on the beach yeah

cotton or no condom.

I kissed.

I kissed.

You need to use a condom.

I knew you needed to.

What did you kiss?

I did.

I did.

You did not just kiss.

I just kissed.

I put a condom on and I just, no.

I protected myself, and then I just made out for hours.

There was insertion or that makeup.

Wait, did you really not fuck?

No, obviously I didn't.

Okay, okay.

I was so drunk, too, that it was like, I can barely recall.

I remember having a hard time getting my dick up.

So it was like, it's almost like I wouldn't even count it.

I know dudes who like get hammered and like, yo, I fucked this shit.

It's like, no, you didn't.

No, you didn't.

Bobby took me to one in Tijuana.

The what?

Bobby took me to one in Tijuana to break my like virginity there.

And yeah, I was so drunk and nervous.

And she's like, Ma servesa, the maciado serveza.

I'm like, yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

Really, I'm just nervous.

I really hadn't had that much to drink.

Yeah, it was, it was really scary, dude, because it was like, yeah, it was like, were you gonna get robbed by them?

Oh, no, they were, they were straight up as far as business went.

But the

well,

everybody, that's

quickly, just to tell you, me and Matt McCusker are both stand-up comics.

Guess where I am?

And we have tour dates.

I do not.

My special is done.

Check out my special, Jew,

available right now.

McCusker will be his special, Speed of Light, it's available right now on YouTube.

Fucking check it out.

Hilarious.

Denver Comedy Works.

Houston Houston Improv in June.

Walmart Amphitheater in Arkansas in June.

Brandon Amphitheater in Brandon, Mississippi.

Orange Peel, Alabama.

Orange Beach, Alabama.

Go to MattMcCusker.com for tickets.

San Jose, Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Portland Helium.

Lots more.

Guys,

the pre-orders of the fucking Jew vinyl are available right now at RSFear.com.

Check them out.

You can get them signed until they are pressed, and then the signing period is over.

You've got to get them a live show, of which I have none until next year.

All right, I'm getting back to Australia.

I think that's it.

Subscribe right now.

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I'm so frightened of fucking goddamn kangaroos.

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All right.

Let's get back to the episode, I think.

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How to call the last couple about this trip.

Let's get back to the episode.

All right.

Brazil.

No, what happened was, so I, you know, I did that.

I started getting a little bold.

I'm like, yeah, I can go on the beach.

Who cares?

Like, I'm fine.

So then I would go to these, there's these old-night street parties called, I think it's called Lapas, where you go out and it's just like, you go out and it's just people are playing music and you just like go from bar to bar and it goes all night long.

Damn, cool.

So I was with the guy I was with, he was kind of like, I'm turning, I was going so hamp too.

Like this was like my work friend.

So that's the thing.

When you like travel with someone, you don't know, I was a pretty like sketchy guy.

Like when I was younger, it was like, I was up for whatever.

And this guy was kind of like, bro, what are you doing?

I was like, dude, don't be a pussy.

In Brazil?

In Rio?

Yeah, he was just like a straight-laced guy.

So he was like, I just want to see the place.

And I was there and I was just being an absolute monster the whole time.

I started the giant Jesus statue.

I brought my rosaries.

I I think I went up on a gondola and I did see that too, though.

It was pretty tight.

But yeah, I was just being a maniac.

I was 20 years old.

So I was just freaking out.

I was just completely.

I couldn't like, it was just the most beautiful babes of all time.

I was happy just to like, just admire them.

And then I'm eating soup and they start being like, fuck me now.

And I was just like, because of the way I eat soup?

I do do a pretty tough one.

It was pretty sophisticated by myself at an outdoor cafe in Brazil.

But yeah, so that's just like everywhere.

And then I was like, okay, like, I'm just going to go have fun.

And I went to like, go to one of those all-night street parties.

Lapos?

Lapos.

I think it's LAPA.

Sick.

So tight.

It's just dudes.

Man, you know those dudes in the corner with like a drum set that is like make it out of shit and you're playing you're like damn it's it was just like a bunch of dudes doing that really and it's just like dude and they and it's just women just aggressively being like oh like just coming up to you and they're if you're american they're they just in my experience there they kind of just throw yourself throw themselves at you i mean it's i knew in like southeast asia there were there were like the hookers who had like four or five american guys on the hook every year or so.

Like, can you send me 500 just to make it make my ends meet?

And they have a few guys like that.

Yeah.

And so it's either you're going to take me to America, new life, or I can get you for 500 a year.

Foot the bill.

Yeah.

And these were just like, these, these women weren't even prostitutes.

They would just come up and just be like, they just wanted to talk.

And hey, they're very, they're very forward and aggressive there.

Then you have like little kids that will like grab your legs and be like plea, like begging for money.

So you have a kid, like, I remember a kid last like grabbed my calf.

And I was just, I was just going to the ATM and just printing out like it was like monopoly money

No, he was like please senior please and I was just going to the ATM every morning and just printing out that like and if I've ever foreign if I have a foreign currency I'm like this isn't even real.

So I was just like doling it out to the poor.

I was fully like dude take it.

You're good.

You're good.

So I went to this party.

New life.

New life.

Oh, dude.

I was like, take it.

You're good.

Name a church.

I did for real.

It did feel like a god there.

And then I went to the party and my friend was like, I'm going home.

I'm like, dude, I'm staying out all night.

And then, so I got into this.

They have like taxis that are like, first, can I just say I love

that one moment where it's like, one guy's like, I'm going home.

And you have a, you have a moment right there.

You're like, all right, I guess I'll go home.

Or, hey, I'll catch up at you tomorrow.

Oh, dude.

And then, like, let's start.

Oh, yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Did it right?

Well, it's funny because the songs too, they were on the songs that they were out in, like, they were like nightclubs were songs that had been out in America for like two years, too.

So I knew all the words to all the songs.

And like, dude, I was just lording in this place.

It was so fun.

And then I ended ended up like i just got hammered and hopped in this i had to hop in like a like a minivan so in the taxi there were just like these like sprinter vans or they'd pack with just people so i hopped into this minivan with like six other dudes and we just kind of buzzed back and then uh i didn't know where my hostel was so i was like let me out along the beach sorry is he signaling you no i want to see if you can look those up i want to see them oh it's pretty tight it was just like a little like

just like slow down let you in they just stop and then there's dudes waiting and i was like i would just be like how do i and they'd be like oh here's like a big taxi and they'd be here you go and you just pile in with like it was like a giant uber pool before it's time they would just pull up and be like everyone hop in it's pretty tight it was like something like that and you just hop in it looked like the one to the right the red one

you just pile in with a bunch of people so then they were like where where are you and i'm all hammered it's this is like 6 a.m too so i'm like uh take me to the copacabana palace because i knew that was a big hotel right on the beach and i if i saw that i knew i could get back to my place from the beach yeah and i'm like dude and they were like don't go go on the beach late at night, early in the morning.

I'm like, I could see late at night, but I'm like, early in the morning.

Early in the morning doesn't make any sense.

That's when the old people come out.

That's what I thought, dude.

So I went on the beach.

They dropped me to Coba Cabana Palace.

So I started walking along the beach because I could just like visually, I could see it.

Like, oh, there's my street.

And then my hostel was like four things off the beach.

So I started walking and I'm like, it's sunrise.

I'm drunk.

I'm looking up.

I'm like, this is so beautiful.

And as I was walking, I like, I just look up, I like look down back to like where I was.

There's just three dudes standing in front of me.

They were probably like 19, 20 years old.

And they had just these like fishing knives.

So they put like one was here, one was here, one was here.

On you?

Right against my skin.

So they weren't like pressing in, but they were like an inch from my, just like my stomach.

So I'm walking.

I'm like, fuck.

So I'm sitting there and I was just like, what?

Yeah.

And I've, I had been robbed before.

So this was like, unless, maybe this was the first time I got robbed, but I had been robbed after that or before.

I forget.

But I remember like everything, time frill slows down.

Did any part of you go, that's not a knife?

No.

Dude, afterwards, I was like, dude, I should have fucking grabbed that guy, kicked his friend.

But no, you just, I just froze.

Yeah.

And what I noticed is like, when I was in a situation like that, time goes really slow.

And my heart rate was probably flying, but you feel really calm or you're just like, whoa, and you're watching everything and everything seems slowed down.

And then they, and I was like, and I kept saying tranquillo.

I didn't, that's like a Spanish word.

I know.

I was like, tranquillo, tranquillo, tranquillo.

And I was, I seemed kind of calm.

I didn't move.

And I was like, oh, yeah, no problem, no problem.

I was like, I'll give you whatever.

And I only, I had like eight reales on me, which was, it was like four bucks.

And so I'm looking through, I'm looking through, and I'm like, I just, I'll show it.

I was like, here, take my credit card.

Go like, I think you can take this to an ATM and get a cash advance.

Go take out a bunch of money on this.

And they just looked at my credit card like, what the fuck is this thing?

So then they, I had money stashed.

I used to always keep money in like my shoe, like a separate pocket.

So like if I needed money to get home.

Smart.

So then I was like, I don't, I forgot about it.

And then they found my little stash of like whatever that little bit of money I had on me was.

And they're like, you dude?

I'm like, dude, I was like, my bad.

My bad.

Like when you're already like, you're the boss, obviously.

Oh, dude.

I didn't mean to misguide you.

I was very, and I was just like, guys, it's totally fine.

I was like, I want to help you guys.

And

they took out the one thing that was funny, they took my phrase book out and they fanned through my little Brazilian English phrase book.

And we were going through, I don't know if I had something highlighted or what, but it was a quero voce, which means like, I want you in Portuguese.

Yo, quiero vo se.

So they kind of had a chuckle at that.

They're like, oh, yo, quiero voce.

So they kind of laughed at that.

Hence, why I don't have as much money.

Exactly.

I was like, boys, I couldn't get a lot of people.

off.

I caroted too much.

Like, if you guys were to blow me, no, they, they were, uh,

they, uh, yeah, so they just fucking.

I do know how you guys can make some money.

But yeah, no, and they, dude, the funniest part about it was after it was all said and done, they got the eight reales, I was like, dudes, come to the ATM.

I'll get you some money out.

Like, because they were like, you still offering?

Well, they, because they were like, sorry, we're hungry.

They're like, whatever, Lotiane, mucha hombre.

And I was just like, fuck, guys, you guys are hungry.

They were like nice about it.

So I was like, I'm sorry, guys.

I'd give you more if I had it and then so they leave and I'm like what the fuck there was people there was a couple fishing 50 feet from me so I go and see them and I'm walking by them I'm like did you guys did you guys see that and they're like you're lucky you didn't get stabbed and I was like thanks guys you're just gonna fucking sit there and fish that they weren't like whoa help they just sat there quietly and watched the whole time what luckily they didn't stab you and I was like well yeah thanks looking back though Thanks for nothing what were they gonna do hey I true they were like they were like a 50 year old couple

and I was doing like you weren't supposed to do that.

They were like, walk.

Yeah.

So many people like do not do that.

That's like prime time because no one else is around.

The beach isn't crowded.

They were in the water.

I don't know where.

I honestly don't know where they were because I was hanging around like the mid to like higher part of the beach.

Like, I don't know, like dunes or whatever.

So they must have just come up while I was looking up because I didn't even notice them.

I thought they were on you.

Right.

They were like feet from me.

And I was like, fuck, fuck.

These guys look like they're going to rob me.

And they did.

But it was cool.

And then, you know, I got it.

I mean, also like when you lose that little you're like and they let you keep your cards too they didn't even i was trying to give them like i was like guys take this thing hit the atm and ball out and they were just kind of like i was like this is from philadelphia let me teach you how to rob this is why you guys are third world like this is how i got here yeah i was like just take this card and go get more money because yeah especially after they said sorry it kind of hit my heartstrings i was like damn these are good guys yeah i wish i gave them more

Let me just give you one.

Yeah, they should have just fucking just wanted to knee.

But no, so then I go back to my hostel and I'm still like, like, kind of in like a, like, I'm in shock.

Yeah, it sucks.

Then I go back, and some dudes are sleeping in my bed, and I'm like, what the fuck?

Yeah, there's someone, they just lent my bed out because I had been out all night.

I'd paid for the night, but I was gone all night.

So they just kind of lent it out.

Fuck it.

Why is my reaction worse on that than you got rubbed?

Because it sounds like I was like sleeping with a man in Brazil also.

And I come back, I see this guy in my bed.

I'm like, motherfucker.

So then I go back to the desk.

I'm like, yo, what the hell?

And they were like, you didn't come back.

And I was like, I paid for my bed.

So what?

So fucking what?

I was doing stuff.

And then they, they uh so then it's got meeting people meeting the locals so i got a whole different whole different room and then uh so i kind of played it a little closer then i like stopped going on the beach but then i missed my flight so i fucking do this this is how stupid i was waiting was your friend staying in the hostel too yeah your buddy from work was also staying at the host my buddy was in the hostel his flight was on i had didn't pay attention as i booked my return flight yeah and i just booked it for the day before he was leaving not knowing that's the date i picked i just like i guess i was in a hurry

so we both go to the airport on the last day and I'm like, all right, bro, I'll see you over there.

So I go to beat my thing and they're like, oh, dude, your flight was yesterday.

And again, it wasn't, nobody would speak.

I also over,

I assumed more people would be speaking English over there.

It wasn't the case at all.

Like there was a few people who would, but a lot of people didn't speak any English.

Yeah.

So I go to the airport and it's just like

no, there's no, I'm like, hey, and they're like speaking Brazilian and I'm like Spanish.

I can speak like broken Spanish.

And they were, so we couldn't understand each other, but they, they got it across to me that like, dude, your flight was yesterday and I'm looking at the date and I'm like fuck and I was I was maxed out too.

I didn't have it wasn't like I could be like, I'll just book another flight.

The flights back were now like a thousand bucks.

And you were just like, no, it's over.

You lost it, dude.

So then I was like, they're like, come back in the morning and we'll see if we can get you on a standby list.

So I had to go pay for like a hotel in like the airport.

You know, when you stay near an airport and it's just always the seediest, like some like gross in a fucking hotel.

I was a work this morning and I was driving by.

I'm like, who would stay here?

Yeah, dude.

It's exactly.

It's like, yeah.

It's a lot of hojos.

Yeah.

So it's like the Newark of Brazil.

I'm just staying in just like a little industrial place in a hotel.

And the TV, there was no, I couldn't speak to anyone because there was no, like, everyone just spoke Brazil or Portuguese.

The TV were all in Portuguese.

So I would try to watch TV.

I'm like, can't understand a word anyone's saying.

So I just sat quietly in a room by myself.

I did this for three days where I'd wake up at 6 a.m., log all my stuff down, go down, be like, can I fly?

And they'd be like, no.

And I'd be like fuck.

So the second day, hey, can I fly?

It was like the weirdest three days of my life what did you do in between you just sat there dude i couldn't do anything i didn't have any money so i was out of money i didn't i i had just this credit card thank god i had money left on it and then after three days of just like total solitary confinement in this other country i was like fuck it i'm booking this on my credit card i can't take another day so that's why the credit card bill got up so high and then i was just like i'm i can't pay this yep and you didn't have to and i didn't

return the robbery robbing him i should have been like guys i got robbed i didn't know you ever look back at where you were in your 20s or 20 and be like,

I could survive with such little to nothing money that you couldn't possibly now.

It was insane.

I was so, and I was so happy too.

Yeah.

Well, that's what you learn too with kids.

When I moved here, you know, I'm always telling my kids, like, I have to go to work, guys.

It's all for you.

And then we moved and they take all of your stuff out of your house before you moved.

My kids were like happy running around.

And I was like, this is just for me.

Fuck.

I was like, this is just for my own ego.

But yeah, they don't give a fuck about stuff.

And yeah, when you're younger, it's like, yeah, dude, I was like, I have $3,500.

I was like, this is crazy.

I did learn quickly how fast you spend money on a trip like that because I maxed out my, I maxed like the cash that I had.

It's so hard to pace yourself, too.

It's impossible.

To be like, sweet, well, I have $1,000 for this week.

Let's spend $800 today.

No, dude.

Oh, that was the thing.

I was like, I'll probably spend $40 a day.

And it's like, it's $100.

It's like $100 a day just eating and like doing stuff.

How good are those steak restaurants, those Drew Huscarias?

Dude, it was, and I didn't even know what it was.

And this was more of like a hot plate kind of thing.

They were just like cutting meat.

We were just like, it came out on this like hot stone and they would just drop you cuts of meat.

It was fucking awesome.

Damn.

It was very tight.

But yeah, Brazil, 10 out of 10.

Stay off the beach early in the morning, late at night.

Kiss prostitutes if you want.

What was the bus like from Sao Paulo to

was it just regular?

No, it was the bumpiest bus in the world.

And it's just like, you're just going through these neighborhoods.

You're like, dude, if this thing breaks down, please don't fucking break down.

It was terrifying.

But yeah, it was for me, it was just, again, I was just going like, whoa,

because I didn't know anything about really.

Is that your first time out of the country?

I went to Ireland when I was 14.

Yeah.

But this was totally different.

Adult.

Yeah, this is my first time.

This is so way different than Ireland is different.

Yeah.

Ireland is, yeah, Ireland, I just got like, I was like, I could get beers and bars and be like, yes.

My mom and dad were going a bit with my brothers and be like, goodness, please.

And I was chug it and be like, fuck yeah.

So fucking cool.

Were there beers and there had to be i was drinking it i was drinking the caprinas and all that stuff

i love yeah i was slamming those things i was like i didn't again you don't know about like your body back then too so like i was like caprinas are all lime juice and like some sugar cane liquor yeah so i'm just like chugging those things crushing food and just being like why do i feel this way

just meat and

juice yeah it's like i must have a disease it was just lime juice and meat all the time But yeah, it was, it was awesome, man.

It was like...

That sounds fucking Bob.

Dude, it was just like, it's the nicest place in the world.

if you're not like a total moron you can probably really have fun there yeah it's like and it is it's just the most beautiful women like it's crazy i went with with the ufc for like two days oh that's awesome they got rogan got a companion ticket for free yeah he was like we don't have a show he's want to come we can come was it in rio as well yeah and it was

that but they were so the ufc was so strong about don't go out alone definitely go don't go near the favelas yeah

it really is like it's it's mountaintop it should be the best it's just 10 shacks.

Well, they took it first.

True, it is it is like the hills in LA.

If you take prime real estate,

but also, yeah, it's like

it was, yeah, that was terrifying.

Just like seeing that being like, and then knowing like, oh, those guys are coming down here and they're going to, they're going to get your money.

They're going to grab your legs as kids and they're going to rob you as adults.

Dude, I went to the edge of it because it's like a wall

and just like, no.

You can walk around Rio yourself.

You do have to be careful.

You can't wear anything flashy or anything.

Oh, right.

Like, Like carry a camera around your neck because people will rob you.

Yeah.

But that was the best about that montage of people getting robbed is people in buses on their phones and somebody just jumping up, grabbing it and leave.

Yeah.

People just grabbing people's backpacks.

One guy like fell and they're just like dragging him.

And it was like, come on, man, it's a miss.

Let it go.

They're so hungry, too.

That's the thing, too.

It's not like, I'm going to make this.

This is going to be tight.

I'm going to buy something.

Maybe if you didn't just eat steak, you could fucking make it go further.

True.

Yeah, that's true.

If they didn't eat just delicious steaks all the time.

Fresh that bread stuff, too.

Do you have that?

That sauce.

Palm decage.

What is it?

The palm decage.

It's like that little cheese bread, those balls.

Fucking love that shit.

Yeah, I discovered that at a gas station in Rio.

I was like, yeah, I'll take some of those.

Yeah, they were just selling them there.

That stuff is so fucking good.

I had an acai bowl before it hit America.

Oh, yeah.

At least before I knew about them.

I was like, what is this purple shit everyone's eating?

They're like, acai.

I'm like, it's good for you.

Give it to me.

Yeah, like, it's good for you.

I feel like it's mostly sugar.

It is.

Like, no, it's a health.

You lose weight on this.

If they don't add sugar to it, you can tell because it tastes like eating a tea bag.

Yeah, like chalky.

Yeah, it doesn't taste like anything.

But yeah, the stuff over here is all sugar.

Was there anything there that surprised you or do you observed about the place that you've never seen anybody say?

Like Guatemalans, I noticed, are the shortest people in the fucking world.

Just how hot everybody was.

How hot.

And then the dudes are like...

It's more so the women.

And I'm not dissing any Brazilian dudes, but the women get all the credit over there.

They really do.

The dudes are like...

The dudes are like fucking all dressed up like metrosexual guys, but they're very kind of aggressive.

And like, not all of them, obviously, but like, it's the dudes over there trying to get in on the beauty.

And I almost want to tell them, like, guys, relax.

Go rugged.

Yeah.

Go rugged.

Yeah, they're trying to be too beautiful, in my opinion.

It's kind of like you're looking at Brazilian women.

What a fucking nice, what a nice.

God damn.

Dude, it's non-stop, man.

That was the one thing that really threw me for a loop.

And I was like, damn, dude, America's.

Are they black there or brown mostly?

It's a mix.

It's a mix.

You get like people who are really fair-skinned, almost European-looking, but mostly it's that kind of like

tanned complexion.

Damn.

Then there, yeah, there's a lot of black people.

There are blue-eyed ones like that, yeah, dude.

Yeah, the Nazis went everywhere, dude.

Yeah, the underrated parts of the Nazis is when they escaped, they really brought those blue eyes to the world.

They did, there's beautiful blues.

You get a nice spitzel in Argentina,

you'd expect.

Yeah, a lot of them did go to South America, but no, there it's goddamn.

Who the fuck is that?

Oh, the fucking the mural of that lady, dude.

there's a show called

Fuck, what is it called?

Seinfeld.

No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, friends.

No.

The wire.

It's a shitty, it's a shitty Netflix show about like a futuristic

in Brazil.

The 100.

It is the 100.

About a shitty futuristic.

And like, dude, the women, the casting, they're like beset by like these model-esque women to where like...

You just see this one character and you're like, this lady's too hot.

She shouldn't be.

Too hot to be normal.

Everyone's wife there is just like a stunning Victoria's Secret model, and it just like distracts you from the show.

Yeah, let me see the Brazilian soccer team because these should be all the dikes.

They should be all like.

That's a good, that's a good

comparison to be like

their version of Trump hates.

Yeah.

Let's see what's going on.

I mean, it's tough there.

Wow, that's still pretty hot, though.

Yeah, they're little soccer babes.

Yeah.

We have to see like the official roster so we can get like a real good zoomed in look on them.

I want to see their glamour shots.

True.

Volleyball team would be really nice.

But yeah, that was the thing that threw me for a loop.

It was just like the

everyone there is like kind of beautiful.

And they also like

younger, like the, like the teens are also like totally were dressed like insane.

What do you mean?

Adulty?

Yeah, you'd see someone, you're like, that's a child, but then they'd be in like a adult, very adult bathing suit, and you'd be kind of like, oh, boy.

You're like, what is a child?

What does that even mean?

Oh, I talked to a guy over there about it, and they were like, we don't, that's not a thing for us.

That like statutory shit, they were just like, we don't.

They're like, if you're a child, obviously you'll get fucked up.

Right.

Like 10s push.

It's like a lady.

Oh, yeah.

But 12s.

They're just like fat tits.

They're like, if it's fat, if there's fat tits, then like that counts.

They're like, who cares?

I was like, okay.

Stanhope had a joke about that, too, where he's like, you know, 17 is not an adult.

And he goes, God disagrees.

Like, they can have children.

That's how Brazil holds it down.

Wow.

They're just kind of like, yeah, it's not a thing here, man.

We don't really, like, if you're, obviously, if you're a, you'll get fucked fucked up but if it's like if it's like a big ass and fat titties these courts are like yeah dude damn what were the bathrooms like there shitty the shout they have those shitty electrical like outlet showers where like i remember getting shocked all the time i would take a shower and like hit suicide showers yeah dude i remember i'll take showers and like fuck all those there you hit a thing and it kind of like gives you a little it's nuts yeah just open electricity with water you get close to it plus i'm tall so i'm gonna get closer to it and you just like feel this buzz yeah that that was another thing i was like completely taken aback by.

I was I loved America when I went back.

I was like, dude, America is so good.

Because I would just see like their outlets and be like, ew, the fuck is that thing?

It was like, who in the world would design an outlet like that?

The showers were bad.

The toilets were obviously not the best.

That's a fun thing about travel is coming home and realizing no longer taking for granted just for like a week or two.

Oh, yeah.

Our shit is great here.

Just the way water comes out.

It's not like...

You're like, what the fuck is this?

But yeah, the.

No one understands what suicide showers are.

They were terrified.

I didn't know.

I didn't even even know what they were for the first time i just saw it i was like what the is this thing it was yeah yep yep bullshit yeah it it's and it's like loose wires like that dude that's what it kind of looked like

how would that be

you you see a loose wire like that like well as long as it's not around water we should be okay at least they have the wire nuts on there like yeah that should be good But yeah, I wanted to move, but even after all that, I remember my plan then became, I got back to the States and I was like, I'm going to move to Brazil.

No, really?

Oh, yeah.

My plan was I was going to grow weed, which I tried, and it all died.

I was going to grow weed, sell it, and make five grand and move to Brazil.

And all my weed crops died, and I had to stay stateside.

Oh.

Yeah, that was my plan.

That was like the only plan I've really ever made in life.

I was like, I'm going back to Brazil.

The babes are so much hotter there.

I'm going to just grow weed.

I tried it.

Two different.

I didn't know you had to like watch weed every day.

I thought you could just like plant it and just be like, I'll be back in two months to harvest my fat nugs.

And it was just dead.

And like, I had it in other people's basements and I would go check on my weed and it'd just be dead.

I love the American dream of complete dumb fuck still making making it work somehow like i don't know how you've made a life for yourself with that as your base i had no that was for real that was my only that was my only ever like five-year plan i was like all right i want to grow weed save up money and then i started doing stand-up at like 23 and i was and if it had worked i mean it would have been a terrible show would have been Ann Shane's Secret Podcast.

What a, what a

bounce anything off anybody podcast that would be.

But yeah, man, I, I, some, there was part of me that was like my friend would always make fun of me like you would have totally been a kayak guide over there and that would have just been like a kayak guide like i could have totally seen you just doing like mountain guides kayak guides english and and brazilian oh yeah

oh yeah i i would have i could have totally done that damn but that would have opened up a pretty i mean i couldn't imagine like

what that would have been like i mean i probably just would have had kids with a lady and then i met some lifers yeah all over the world of like oh i came from vacation stage it's been 28 years yeah and they're they're odd.

Yeah, it's, it's, uh, it would have been, I think I would have regretted that.

I think I would have, after 10 years of kayak tours, been like, I think I could have done something else.

I've never seen all the mangroves.

It's actually kind of sucks.

Like 47 kids.

I'm like, I don't know.

This is a robots.

No, it's kayak holy.

Yeah, that was one, that was like an alternate life that I was like, all right, I'm glad that didn't occur.

It would have been nice, maybe, you know, could have been cool.

I would have been, you know, could have been cool, but also now I'm happy with the way things went.

But

that was my plan that was for real my only plan i really ever made was to grow weed and then move to brazil i love how too like stand-up is everyone's just failure backup plan that's it's our dream and it's everyone else just like well if all else fails i can at least do your dream i i didn't well i didn't think i yeah i didn't think i could really do stand-up and then it started like I would like quit all the time.

I'm like, this sucks.

And then I would just be like, I get a new hot five brewing in my head and be like,

I just got to break people off of this.

And then I just kept doing it.

I was like, yeah, fuck.

What's your special called?

Speed of Light.

Speed of Light on YouTube right now.

Yeah.

Matt McCuscars.

Yeah, it was pretty great.

That fucking opening was retarded.

Yeah, in the best, in the best way.

My plan was to go down Kensington Avenue on Rollerblades where, like, all like the heroin people are.

Yeah.

And I drove up there and I'm like, this is just too sad.

Like, I can't, this is, I can't have like close-ups on dude's cousin's face.

But I did go up there and blast through one of the intersections.

Yeah.

So that was fun.

Trying to film that was fun.

I'm just, I was like, I'll cut through the intersection because we're up here,

get the footage dude I had there the one guy like lunges at me that was up near like K and A.

Oh, I was like because we would come through hit a red light and I'd get stuck on a red light up there on rollerblades with a guy in a trunk with like a $3,500 camera and I'd just be like all right guys be cool and just people crisscrossing you like there's people just zipping about and I was just sitting there like on rollerblade on rollerblades by myself.

I didn't raise many eyebrows.

But as soon as I caught up to the car with the camera, people would kind of do like a look.

This is rubbable.

Yeah, they'd be like, and then I had it, it was my third time through the intersection.

Like, we came up once, got stopped at the red light.

I was like, All right, we'll circle back.

So, I hopped in the car, came back the second time.

The third time, these guys were like, What the fuck is going on?

And people started kind of like sitting up straight and kind of like looking, which is it's funny to say they're like, Yeah, people started sitting up straight, like there was something going on when a sloucher unslouches, be careful.

But yeah, then I finally blasted through the intersection and then just fucking got back in the car.

And I was like, Yeah, we'll just rollerblade through other areas.

Have you ever been back to Brazil since then?

No, was there anywhere else you would go in Brazil besides Rio?

If I went again, I would have to go.

I'd go back to Rio.

I'd go back to Rio.

I mean, I was there for no time at all.

Oh, dude, I was there for 10 days, and I was like, I was sad, dude.

It was so fucking cool.

Yeah, it was nice, man.

And then.

Wait, but the last three were hotel airports.

I was there for 10 for my official vacation.

I spent an extra like three days in like an airport city.

On Amex.

Yeah.

I think it was City Card.

Yeah.

But the, yeah, I'd go back there.

I would do more of it.

I'd like to see more of like the jungle and kind of go north and kind of like work my way down.

Because Brazil, you ever see it on a map?

It's.

It's fucking huge.

It's fucking huge.

Oh, there it is.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm good.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's the whole fucking continent.

It's enormous.

And that's all jungle.

And I think they have, I think they have Iguazu Falls is like another famous landmark where it's like.

Look at that.

It goes all the way to the fucking.

It's ridiculous, bro.

It's crazy.

Iguazu Falls.

Yeah, that's a big landmark for them where it's like, it's on the border of like Brazil.

And I forget what other country, it may be Argentina, but there's like this this like like three waterfalls pouring into one thing from like different sides of both countries oh damn that's also that's like a sick thing to see as well damn look how far over it goes all the way to the pacific yeah brazil it's over the pacific yeah it dominates it's like the yeah it's huge and not all that green is that just like like amazon probably rainforest yeah the amazon right there amazon amazon yeah do you think they have uncontactables there probably they do in ecuador and it it's deeper in there

yeah they probably do i mean they don't even know what like i think like 80 of the plants are in the rainforest.

So I think there's a lot of it.

You can't even, I mean, dude, even going through like the woods without a trail, I'm kind of like, yo, where the fuck am I?

Going deep in the rainforest is terrifying.

Yeah.

But there's some like, there's a fact like that.

Like, we only really know and classify like 10% of the plants in the world.

Dude, I went into the rainforest in Ecuador.

I'm looking at it on a map now.

It's like, that's not even close to anything in the middle there.

No.

I mean, that one stretch of rainforest is as big as Ecuador right in the bottom down to like a bottom.

Damn.

Yeah, just a little tiny nothing.

Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

South America rules, though.

I tell everyone if they're like travel, I'm like, dude, definitely go to South America.

That's if I went international again to traveling, I would go to South America.

It's also what's cool about that is you don't have to relearn languages besides Brazil.

You have to relearn language when you pop country to country.

Portuguese, yeah, Portuguese was hard as hell.

Spanish, I can kind of get around to Spanish.

Yeah, but if you go to Colombia and then hop to Bolivia, you're speaking the same language.

Exactly.

Myanmar to Laos, you're like, I don't know what the fuck you just said.

I know your pleas is here.

Yeah, good luck.

Where else do you have in mind to go?

Do you you have anywhere on your list uh i don't know man i was when i was younger i had a big travel bug my wife likes to travel so we'll we'll definitely do the classic europe thing of like see you know i'll definitely do that at some point um

i don't really want to hit the

i don't want to go like to asia really that badly it's too far i can't fuck with far flights dude yeah i did australia i'll go back to australia i would do that that doesn't that's not like you went there i did yeah i went there with shane it's pretty sick i'm going for state of origin this guy i met in guatemala told me about it it's a rugby it's north versus south

And he goes, everybody comes home from playing in like New Zealand or fucking West Indies or whatever.

And they all come home to play for their so some of these guys are teammates on their, on their regular team, and now they're enemies and they punch each other in the face.

Dude, I saw, when I was there with Shane, we saw Aussie, the Aussie rules football.

Also rules.

It might be one of the best sports I've ever seen live.

Yeah.

Because in between plays, they just punch each other.

Punch each other.

It's ridiculous.

I saw a guy tackling somebody out of bounds, and they tackled him out.

And then the guy, so let's say he crossed that out of bounds line, and he was ready to start again.

the guy was still on his leg and he goes he just punches them down dude they just get off between plays

it's so funny it's like watching like fifth graders play basketball like between plays are just like

and their helmets are like those inflatable like novelty helmets from like a bar mitzvah from your caricature

yeah it's insane that was the best sport i think i've ever watched live they explained it to me it is for a different episode anyway but they explained it to me for like two days at the milburn comics lounge we were watching and explaining the rules and then on the third day we like went to a game so i could like i could kind of get get a little bit of what's going on.

Yeah, I knew, like, if you kick the ball through the thing, you got a point.

I don't know.

I remember it was being like every two beers.

That's what I remember.

Cheap beer, cheap hot dogs.

It was so fucking good.

70,000 people.

Yeah, it was awesome.

But yeah,

I would probably go back to South America with my wife.

That'd be kind of tight.

Sure.

I mean, you're in a pretty good spot where you could eventually, if you plan it out well enough, you could be like, hey, I'm taking a month.

I'm taking a month off.

Yeah.

For sure.

Get ahead.

I just have little kids.

Once they get older, it's tough.

They're tough.

They can beg for change change when they're out there i'll get an i know a white kid begging for change true halfway whatever true game true

sexual blood right in yeah they can really come home with some fucking reals bro

true but no i uh i'll go somewhere eventually i don't i'm not like i i had a thing internally for a while no matter no matter like where i was i'd just be like great i'm here i just felt like i was getting green screened into another place where i'd just be like

what do you mean I just didn't appreciate it at all.

When I was younger, it was like much more like, wow, this is cool.

Now, like, there was a period where I was just so focused on everything I was doing that I like the idea of being somewhere else or being away from what I was doing.

I would just be like, great.

I know what you mean, I think.

Yeah, it just felt like I got green screened into another location.

I would just be like, oh,

spending so much

fucking money.

This sucks.

Yeah, yeah.

That was, uh, yeah.

Yeah, Foley was telling me that he's like, once he opened up to the idea that he's not poverty stricken anymore and he could afford to rent a car in a place.

And he was like, oh, this opens up everything.

Wow, this is actually really fun.

That's how I was programmed to like go to a place and be like, fuck, this is so much fucking money.

This is causing me so much.

This is costing me so much money every day.

And I would just sit there and be like, I got to be doing work at home.

I was like a, I've lightened up with that a lot, but I was a serious

workaholic.

And also, I, you know, I used to sell weed too.

So I was like, I never wanted to leave where I was.

What was the weed like that?

Did you get any?

So bad.

God damn.

Oh, my God.

It's so good.

It was like...

It smelled like rubber.

It was like this compressed.

I think that would be just, I think we smoked some weird, like, they sprayed chemicals on it because it was like, we were on the beach smoking it.

I remember I felt really weird.

But it was like, just like swag compressed into these little, like, brick, like these little, like, square things.

It was like smushed weed.

So smushed.

That's how we're heard in Ecuador, too.

It was so bad.

I was in Mexico one time and I was like trying to buy weed off a guy and he like took me into the back of this place and was like showed me the fucking nugget like his nugget and I was just I had to look at it I didn't I was like I was like this is kind of sketchy where I am so I was like bro that's so good i'm gonna go grab some more money i'm gonna grab a couple ounces i'll be back and i just was like fucking tore off.

So I didn't want to be like, dude, that shit's fucking trash.

When I was in New York in Washington Square Park, when I was before, there was like dispensaries and I didn't have a guy yet.

I was from LA.

I went to stores.

I didn't know how to do it here.

Yeah.

And then some guy in Washington Scripture was like, won't we?

And he looked.

He's like, it's pretty good, huh?

And he goes like this.

Like, yeah, I can sell you much.

And I was like, hey,

this, before you switch, what you showed me wasn't up to my standards.

Like, it's already a no.

And you're going to swap that?

Yeah, man.

Yeah, I was, I was a weed snow.

I was spoiled because I was like a wash and just like, just nice nugs back then.

So I was kind of like, I saw it.

I like saw what, then the guy went in, you know, God bless him.

He was the one who risked his life.

He wanted to get himself Coke.

And I was like, you grabbed me some weed.

Why?

Who?

This guy I was with.

No, no, no.

This other guy.

I like teamed up with Australians are party animals, dude.

God damn, they're fun to have around.

What a weapon if you're in a hostel.

You got to have one Australian in your group.

Dude, they'll get you in trouble, but they'll get you into some fun stuff.

Yeah,

there was a squad that I was with.

It was like a couple Australian guys, a couple Irish dudes.

Germans

There was one German Iron Germans

I kind of made fun I was fucking with him the whole time as soon as I saw an English person I was like

they were just like dude stop and uh yeah so it was like and then there was a guy from like Sweden yeah and we were we like talked for a while we like kind of check after that we kind of checked in with each other and we'd like talk now I can I like deleted my Facebook and kind of lost I saw a comment on a picture I posted once it was in I think Myanmar and it was like fucking blatant like man what a bunch of white people you met in Myanmar and I'm like nah it's it's fun to meet people at hostels from all over yeah dude because you'll meet a Swedish guy you have to you can't do it in even Sweden you both have to be on foreign territory the Swede went to the favela he was like I'm going he got a ride on like a dirt bike and went in there bought coke for I think for him and the Australians and he grabbed some nugs as well and I was like appreciate that nice and it was like it was like I can't stop making fun of you now

you showed your worth he was the man dude it was

it is fun meeting

really proved himself well it's also like dude you realize how fucking like in america like i would talk to everyone else on vacation.

I'm like, I'm here for 10 whole days.

And they're like, that's nothing, dude.

That's nothing.

They're like, we're here for like a month.

And there was people there.

They holiday for school.

What do you mean?

They were there being like, my school sent me here because my major in school, I think these people were from like some Scandinavian country.

They're like, my major is like sports.

And I'm like, what do you mean?

They're like, you know, like sports, like you play in like gym class, like just sports.

I write like, I just write about sports and study sports, different games.

And I was like, what are you going to do with that?

And they're like, oh, I'll be an air traffic controller.

I was like, so now I get to either like, they'll just, I get to travel from my school or like for school and travel different like sports in different countries.

They're like, We're here for like a month.

Like, they're like, We feel so bad for you guys because you got, like, because I was trying to like, I was like, dude, it's huge.

I'm here for 10 days.

And you're like, That's not even a vacation.

That's what always gets me to when you're like, you come into the world anywhere.

You're like, America's number one.

And so, like, let's see how much these guys are giving you props for being clearly number one.

And then it's like, what do you mean you think you're better than us?

Yeah.

He was like, they were like, we feel bad for you.

And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about what i still i get it it's like america you know it's like pretty hard working place but uh

yeah i don't know what it is i don't know if they're i've got a german guy in indonesia we're having breakfast at the hostel and he's like talking about his standard five weeks off for like first year out of college which is your shitty job standard five weeks vacation and he goes you guys get that right i'm like no dude damn bro no not at all we get two and we're expected to not take it

we're really looked down upon if you take it two weeks is crazy I haven't taken a two-week vacation.

I haven't taken a vacation that long since I went to Brazil.

Yeah, 10 days.

It's your whole fucking year on one little trip.

It's crazy.

Yeah, now I'm getting pressure.

My wife's pressuring me to do like two weeks this summer somewhere.

And I'm kind of like,

we'll see.

We'll see about that.

So we'll see if she wins out.

I'd like to do it.

Maybe we'll do it, but.

Yeah.

Yeah, pick a place and do it.

Yeah, Michelle.

I'll try it out.

But yeah, it was tight, man.

That was a fun.

I wish I could think of more stuff.

It seems great.

Did you like party at the hostel?

Oh, yeah, yeah, dude.

I got

hammered the first night there.

I just got hammered.

That's how I met with all the guys.

With all those people from the different unifier, it's the best, dude.

Just getting hammered there, and then it's like, you know, throughout the day, going to the beach, finding then they're like, oh, we found this one guy who knows this other place.

Then I would just kind of walk around.

I like to walk around by myself, too.

So I'd walk around and like go get something to eat.

And then, like, dudes will see people from there would meet me.

And then, like, it was funny because the one time I talked to these Brazilian guys and they're like, Do you like Bob Jillin?

What?

And I was like, what?

They sound like they sound like deaf people, dude.

Brazilians kind of sound like they're dead.

I want the Koala yards.

They were saying Bob Dylan.

They're like, we love Bobby Jillen.

And I was like, what the fuck are you guys talking about?

It's a funny conversation.

We love American music, Bobby Jillen.

They're like, we liked him 40 years ago, though.

I was like, nice, man.

You're just getting Bob Gyllen now?

You know what's tight?

There was a wave of psychedelic rock in the 60s in Brazil.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Rita Lee.

I never heard of Rita Lee.

Katana Velosa.

That was Katana Velosa is like a famous psychedelic rock.

Oh, I mean, that's now.

Dude,

there's a whole

60s.

She's Undisputed Queen of Rock.

Yeah, I was at a coffee shop.

Some guy was playing.

I was like, what is this?

He like, you got to get it up here.

You got to find it on vinyl.

What was the other one?

What'd you tell me?

Katana Velosa.

It's like Katana Velosa.

C-A-E-T-O-N-O.

Psych Rock.

Yeah.

It gets weird.

It's so fucking good.

And he has like a zillion albums too, but he had a couple ones.

You gotta look at these pictures in their youthful like fucking power.

You look him up now.

I was never listening to

get this fucking age spots off my screen.

There he is, dude.

Wow, look at him.

Yeah, man.

This dude.

He was like Zappa.

Yeah, he's fucking wild.

But he had a couple albums in like this, like the 70s and 60s that, like, you put them on straight through.

And it's like, dude, this is.

Wait, did you get told about him when you were there?

No, my brother actually found him when I got back because my brother got into like going onto like blogs like a long, long time ago on the internet.

And you just research like albums after albums.

And it's just people being like, check this guy out check this guy out catano veloso that's kind of a deep cut if you bust that out on a brazilian they're like like that's like they're like oh my my dad loved that guy the cool thing is if you go to like a record store and you look at like world you know and you go to brazilian if you're like like if you find like guns or appetite for destruction you're like i'm either gonna buy this now or it might not be here tomorrow if i have to think about this yeah the catano veloso will be there tomorrow it'll be waiting for you

um all right well before we go

uh everybody check out a special speed of light but I actually usually ask people if they have any travel tips not that you travel much Doesn't have to be a fucking hard and true one, but like dude, yeah, easily just yeah, don't don't go on the beach early in the morning late at night.

That's for sure mine.

Yeah, and I'm way more cautious now.

I used to be like, I'll be fine.

So I was like, no, just don't carry any valuables on you.

Yeah, just

realize you're in another.

People go to different countries too, realize that you're not in America and you could get like fucked up really badly.

So be nice.

You don't.

Yeah, I've met people before who are like, I knew people from Jamaica and they're like, I can't bring my friends here because they're like they don't understand like if you get in a fight here it's just a lot different than like america like you're not gonna get punched in the face you get like stolen just thrown in the ocean so it's like be careful yeah be careful have fun and you know dude i was in greece and i did a show in athens and um after i was like we'll drive you back to your place i was like no it's actually a really nice night um i'm gonna walk and they're like no it's not the best neighborhood and i was like guys i'm actually a really seasoned traveler like i'll be fine and they're like well then did you look up that this is where all the heroin is in athens and i would never walk here i'm like I actually didn't look anything up.

No, I'll take it.

We can drive you to the opposite side of town and still give you an hour walk.

What happens?

You get approached by men in togos and they just like assimilate your worldview.

Nonsense.

All hail Mercury?

But yeah, be careful and have fun.

Be careful.

That's good.

Yeah.

All right.

Hell yeah.

Locusco, I appreciate it, buddy.

Thank you, man.

Yeah, for sure.

This is great.

It makes me want to go there for sure.

You, dude.

It's awesome.

Nice.

All right, guys.

Thank you very much for tuning in.

No idea who's next week.

All right.

Thank you, man.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, that's the episode, everybody.

I hope you are happy.

McCusker, fucking good episode.

Fucking good story about Brazil.

All right, quit looking at me.

Check him out on MattMcCusker.com.

Don't make eye contact.

That's what they say.

Don't make direct eye contact.

But

if you don't.

All right, that's good.

I mean, you can't stare in his eye from that far.

You stare at their body, you're staring at their eye.

Same saying, but different.

Next week, I can't decide.

It's either going to be, by the way, subscribe right now, wherever you're listening.

Spotify, YouTube, wherever.

Just hit subscribe right now so we grow our little audience and you get notified of just new episodes.

That's it.

Why am I even out here?

Go to MattMcuska.com to check them out in fucking Alabama, San Jose,

Phoenix,

Alabama, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Texas.

Okay, so next week, either, this guy Zane talking about going to Morocco is a fucking epic fucking one.

Did it at a hostel in Paris.

Or

maybe another one.

He's about to start a podcast.

So I might wait until he starts so I can tell you guys where to go.

But that's it.

Thank you very much for tuning in.

Don't forget to get some merch.

My grinders are in the store now at AriShafir.com.

As are

vinyls, signed vinyls, and the shroomfest shirts.

I almost forgot.

Get the shroomfest shirts.

Okay, they're gone.

What a fucking epic trip, though, huh, Matt?

Being that age and just being fucking low.

Oh, shit, there's a shitload of them.

What?

Guys, there's way too many of them.

These are targeters.

Thank you very much, Matt McCuskin, for tuning in.

Damn.

They're just like all over here.

I saw Wild E-News too.

This is more on Ari Shphi's Patreon.

No, I'm sorry, the UB Tripping Patreon.

It's available right now.

But shroom fest shirts, grinders, fucking vinyls.

And that's it.

Check out my special.

Jew.

It's on YouTube right now.

7 million hits.

Why have you not seen it yet?

That's nuts.

Guys, until next week.

Today's episode was produced by Your Mom's House Network.

When I signed on, the owner was 374 pounds, and now he's a skinny remnant of himself.

And I didn't really agree to that, but I'm here.

I signed a fucking 20-year contract.

It is edited by Alan Caffey expertly.

Thank you very much, Alan.

Fucking good job.

Way to cover up my mistakes.

Until next week, thank you very much for tuning in.

I hope you'd be tripping soon.

Wait, Brazil,

good boy.

I gotta fucking research these.

All right, next week.