Ari Goes To China w/ Colum Tyrrell | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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Hi, thanks.

Quick, what's your name again?

Tanner.

Tanner.

Ari.

This is Colin.

How you doing?

It's funny that the long sleeve under the t-shirt is back.

You know, that was like...

Dude, every 90s, however.

Everything's coming back now.

They're back up to 90s.

And the aughts are coming soon.

So people are wearing

white jeans.

Like Tommy Pope wears like bell bottom jeans now.

We're gonna talk about travel today.

It's

be trippin'.

Yeah.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to you be trippin'.

It's a travel podcast.

The only podcast knighted by the queen before she died.

If you don't know, it's me and a guest.

Every week, every episode, we go to a different place.

We just talk about a fun place we've been or a horrific place.

And today, I'm going to be the guest.

We're going to do some of these.

My guest host, it's your show today.

Yeah.

Has this ever happened before where you bring on a guest to be the host?

No.

All right.

It's a takeover.

Okay, great.

Colin Tyrell.

What's up?

Colin Tyrell?

Tyrell?

Tyrell, yeah.

Tyrell.

You can say Tyrrell.

Yeah.

Who's on tour with me right now?

Yes.

We're somewhere in the middle of the country.

Hell yeah.

It's going great.

Yeah, it's going great on the bus.

It's great with Bandog.

Did you mention the death of a royal family member specifically to

cheer me up?

It's nice just to start the show.

I thought that'll make you happier, though.

It does, yeah, a little.

It's so funny when Americans don't know, like, oh, I'm sorry about the queen.

They're like, I was rooting for her death.

So, yeah, Irish or Scottish.

Yeah, it's look, it is rooted in like, you know, post-colonial irony, but there is a little part of you where it's like, it feels like a win, even though she was 98.

She lived pretty fucking long.

She had the best life ever.

Yeah.

She really, really lived.

Like, that's what you get.

She dominated you guys.

There was no come up and she lived longer than almost any normal person.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She crushed it.

Do you know about Pol Pot?

No, I bet him.

He's the Cambodian tyrant.

Yeah.

I think he killed 20% of the population.

Yeah, he went nuts.

He was the glasses guy.

Did you get it at the end?

He lived in northern Cambodia.

For 30 years.

He lived till it was like late 70s.

And you want to be like, well, he got hung.

No, he just lived there.

What happened?

They just crew.

Get moved away from the city.

Yeah, beat it.

It's crazy.

Yeah, that's pole pot.

Yeah, they all go out.

You should, but the Mao's, all those people, they get theirs.

Mao got it.

Yeah, Mussolini.

First of all, let me just give it up for the booth boys.

Whoever made this bouquet of fucking.

This is great.

I mean, this is all going to be a studio.

But they had the Diablo Huma mask, the fucking Lucha Libre mask.

You know this one?

What is that?

It's the Clydesdale Bank, Scotland.

You guys, it's your...

That's Scotland?

Five pounds sterling.

It might not be Scotland.

I don't know what it is.

But

that's the British.

The money's all different in different places.

Ecuadorian banks.

You got the Lonely Planet books.

Lonely Planet.

Yeah.

They're a fucking lifesaver when you're traveling.

The problem with the books was, though, they would tell you the best places that are secrets.

And then within a year, that's...

They find a hostel.

They have a hostel that's cheap, then it goes through the roof.

Yeah.

100%.

That's why this podcast is not that at all.

It's just like, tell me what actually you did instead of the places you're supposed to go.

Yes.

Tell me what you actually ended up doing.

Yeah.

So you're the host.

What do you want to hear about?

I was going to ask you.

Makes sense.

You gave me a list of loads of places, but I want to know about China.

China, nice, nice.

China,

I don't think many people know a lot about it.

Like, it's the big.

They don't have a good propaganda wing.

Or they have a great propaganda wing.

Yeah, they actually have the best propaganda wing.

It's great.

There you go.

Yeah.

So when did you go, first of all?

It was actually the trip that got me into traveling, really.

It was,

I don't know, I told my agent that I was like, I kind of want to see the world.

It was 2012.

Buddy, either come up or don't.

But we're not doing that.

It was 2012.

Yeah.

This is the problem with pets on the pod, because they are more.

They're more interesting people.

Yeah, they're way more interesting than anything I'm going to say.

Or build my life.

Come on, dude, you can make this junk.

Hold up.

Let's get up.

Oh, teasing.

A little bit.

Yeah, I said I want to go places.

And he goes, Well, I got a, I get, if you want, I got a 17-day trip to China.

It doesn't pay very much.

Oh, like he coordinated with comedy for you.

Andy Kurtan, Turner Sparks.

There were a few other people.

Do you know Turner?

No.

He's in New York now.

Okay.

He was running the Susuzhou scene.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Outside of

Shanghai.

Andy

went on to run Live Nation Asia.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, it's fucking wild there.

And anyway, I've never, okay, so I get picked up at the airport by one of them.

Yeah.

I'm like, sure, let's go to China.

Well, first of all,

I had to get my passport or whatever.

And I went, and I've been used to going to Canada.

Yeah.

Where the gigs are either, it's Saskatoon, where you don't tell them you're fucking going for work.

You just go and say visit friend.

Yeah.

All right.

And then I got in trouble once where I was like, I'm just going to visit a friend

in wherever.

They're like, you sure?

Nothing, no work.

I'm like, no, just visit a friend.

And then I was going to Edmonton to House of Comedy.

And then

they turned the screen around.

It's like, so this flyer with your, your, your, your show literally tomorrow is a coincidence.

It's your name and picture.

And I'm like, the Irish affair doesn't have friends in Canada tour.

Yeah.

And then the guy's like, you know, they did the paperwork.

Yeah.

You actually didn't have to lie about this one.

And I was like, oh.

Yeah.

He goes, am I in trouble?

No, you're just an idiot.

Yeah.

They did the paperwork.

Yeah, it's like hiding a spliff beside a cop or something.

And they're like, that's illegal here.

You don't need to do that.

All right.

I think swallowing it.

Like, well, let's go in there.

You flush on your shit.

But anyway, I went to the consulate

to get my visa in L.A.

And I was like, yeah, I'm here.

I'm going to work or whatever.

Cause I've already been more like legit in Canada at that point.

And then they go, Where's your letter of invitation from the government?

Where's your this?

And I was like, I don't know.

I have no idea.

It was a few scenes.

Nobody could have afforded to fly out.

So it was a few different scenes: the Beijing scene, the Shanghai scene, and the Hong Kong scene all teamed up for the flight.

Okay.

And then I called them and I was like, Hey, they said I don't have a letter of invitation.

I need all this stuff.

And they're like, No, don't tell them you're coming for work.

And I'm like, Ah, fuck.

And I'm like, Well, what do I do now?

Like, go back in line and tell them you're not there for work.

And I'm like, but I was just there.

And he goes, I think it was turned.

He goes, so you know how you can't tell Asians apart?

It's a two-way street.

Yes, for sure.

He goes, try not to go to the same, the same booth.

Put your cap on backwards.

It doesn't matter.

They just see a blank white face.

All gray.

Yeah.

That's so funny.

And I got to the same lady and she's like, what are you doing here for?

I'm like, I'm going for vacation.

And she goes, okay.

And I'm staring at me.

the waiting.

Nothing.

God, racism is awesome.

Amazing.

Yeah.

And so it's much easier for Americans to get in there because Chinese, it's tough for them to get over here, I believe.

To get over here?

Yeah.

Well, also, they have to jump up on these high chairs.

That's the hardest part.

Those plain seats are so high for them.

But did you know anything about China?

So if you go like, like they said, Justin Bieber, when he played, it's 50 grand to like play there.

Yeah.

So no low-level low-level person can play there.

Yeah.

Officially.

Okay.

No, I didn't know shit about China.

Yeah, because I just feel like it's such a thing that's in the news, but no one really truly knows.

It's the most foreign place I've ever been to.

That's exactly how to describe it.

So you arrive there, you get off the plane.

Walking down an alley.

I think it was Turner who picked me up.

It was.

And walking down, when I got back from Southeast Asia and everybody wanted to do a podcast, like tell me what it was like.

I was like, I'm doing Turner's podcast.

Okay.

Because he's the one who got me into all this.

But, like, so we're, we're, we're walking to our car or whatever.

We get out of the airport

in Shanghai, walking out a car, and we see a beggar up there.

And he goes, Don't look at that.

And I'm like,

okay.

And then, like, we get close to for real, don't.

And I'm like, okay, I'm for sure going to look, though.

Absolutely.

It was

just

on this, like here, a big oval circle of like a yellowish with an inner circle of purplish and then an inner circle of that of exposed bone oh wow yeah just out bone just bone out yeah yeah yeah uh 100 that guy's dead now oh absolutely 100 that was 2012 and i was like i wish i hadn't looked at it because yeah i told you not to yeah but you gotta look at that

but it's like you know do you ever see that video of in china where it's like some little some little toddler gets hit by a car and then everyone just walks around past the toddler it's like for two hours it's just like a dead kid on the ground.

Why?

Found out their legal system.

If you help, that's kind of a proof that you had something to do with it.

Oh, my God.

That's them proving

who else would help.

He must have hit her.

Oh, wow.

Oh, so they think an act of kindness means you're guilty.

It's their version of he who smelt it, dealt it.

It's their legal version of who you smelt it.

You're doing life too.

So they just let a little kid die because, like, I didn't deal it.

I didn't deal it.

I didn't smelt it it for sure.

Yeah, that's so funny.

So that's the type of stuff where you show up and you go, that's like a jarring, when you go to these foreign countries, sometimes it's like truly jarring.

It's foreign.

So Ireland, so you came here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It ain't that much different.

There's a little bit in New York where it's kind of, wow, like the hustle and bustle.

But, you know,

Europe is like, you've seen the kind of thing.

Language is the same.

Yeah.

They got hamburgers.

Yeah.

Right.

It's not like, what is this?

It's all TV.

We all have the internet.

It's all, you know.

I was eating.

So this is what they told me.

They said that they had flown out a few different comedians.

Jimmy Schubert had gone there,

stuff like that.

I don't generally talk about the shows.

The shows are great.

Yeah.

But it's not expats.

Expats are.

100% expats.

Okay.

And then Hong Kong is part of it.

Almost all people who live in Hong Kong.

Not expats.

So they told me it was safe.

They were like, hey, you can walk around here and no one will fucking touch you.

Is that for everyone or just for whites?

Everyone.

Okay.

They said the punishments for violent crime are so severe that like who would try it?

And they also have this thing of like family shame is like a real thing.

Nice.

So

if you get caught shoplifting, it's like it's a shame to your, you lose face.

Yeah.

It's like a shame to your family.

So it's like, it ain't going to happen.

They said drunk girls pass out with like their phones and their wallet.

They're still unrobed, unrobbed.

And I'm like, what a foreign concept.

Oh, my God.

It's right there for the picking.

Yeah.

You know, yeah.

Yeah.

How could you you do that?

I mean, that wouldn't be in Dublin.

You get, you get messed with.

Yeah, you get stolen.

Robbed for sure.

For sure.

That's how I would do it now if I saw somebody passed out with her fucking.

I've done it.

I've stolen handbags in the past.

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

When you were young, we remember we were like at a nightclub, and then some girl came over with her handbag and just like left it in the where we were all dancing.

She like thought it'd be safe there.

And we just all went, we dived in it like train spotting?

We dived in there like animals and went straight up to the bar.

Hey gentlemen, where's the restroom in here?

You're like,

yeah, you're like, me first.

We were young.

We were foolish.

I apologize.

I'm not that guy anymore.

Ban it.

And these are destroying some.

It just does the digging.

It's so stupid.

It digs to get in there.

Ban it.

It's so funny.

Ugh.

Okay, good.

You got it.

Anyway, once they told me that, I was like, then I'm good.

I'm going exploring.

Yeah, so you were left on your own.

Just walk around.

Yeah, I got food there.

Hey, everybody.

Ari Shafir here from Melbourne, Australia.

My first foreign trip since the U-Be Tripping podcast began to tell you about a couple exciting things.

Yeah, I'll be in Melbourne for a full fucking week.

Ow, fuck.

Love it out here.

A lot of nature, a lot of cool art, a lot of everything.

I haven't been here in six years.

This whole country of Australia.

Melbourne, after this, I go to Adelaide.

Might stop in Tasmania or somewhere weird for a few days.

Then Canberra, Brisbane, Sydney.

Going to the Gold Coast for a few days in between there.

Going to the state of origin.

I have fun.

But that's not what I want to tell you about.

Tickets are available for all those shows at ariushafear.com.

Second show added in Sydney.

Third and fourth show added in Melbourne.

No, I'm here to tell you about a couple things.

My merch.

First, Shroom Fest shirts are here.

First Shroom Fest, July 20th, 21st, and 22nd for 2024.

20th, 21st, and 22nd of July.

And we have Shroom Fest shirts by Abracadaver.

Last year we didn't do it.

This year we are.

If you get them right now during the pre-order, they'll all ship out in July, let's say 8th or 10th.

They'll be in to you by the time Shroom Fest begins so you can celebrate.

And the way you celebrate is find a friend or be alone.

Find some fun guy because you're a fun guy and you just chow down.

One day or all.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

July 20th, 21st, or 22nd, 2024.

You can get those shirts at arieshafir.com.

You can also find

my vinyl for Jew.

The pre-order is available right now.

If you pre-order, you'll get a signed copy.

They all ship out in June as soon as I'm home from this fucking lovely country.

They're beautiful.

Double album,

crazy cool artwork.

Just a really fucking cool thing.

And if you do the pre-order, you get them signed.

If you don't, you still get fucking record.

You can take it to a live show and I'll sign them there.

I got grinders on my merch site also.

And the big thing for the Ubi Trippin' family,

another

Patreon.

Yeah, I'm doing it.

Patreon.com slash Ub Trippin'.

Guys, I want to do one, but I want your involvement.

I want you to send me postcards from around the world.

I want you to send me dollar bills that I can hang up from fucking weird currencies.

I want you to send me about your travels tales.

We're going to have a call-in thing.

We can leave messages and tell them about your stuff.

We'll screen them, get some good ones, and then read them out.

A la stabi.

He gave me permission.

What else do I want to do with it?

Everybody who signs up gets a five-pack of stickers that look like a U-by-tripping stamp, a passport stamp that I want you to stick up everywhere.

You can stick them on your passport book, one of them.

But I also want you to stick them in weird places, maybe on a pyramid in Egypt, maybe in Anne Frank's house, maybe at a Moscow prison if you're, I don't know, pussy riot and you want to, well, they probably won't let you get get it in with that.

But if you get it in, take a picture.

Who's going to get in stickers and a phone when you've been arrested by the fucking

Russian police?

Doubtful.

But if you get there, I'll fucking post about it.

And I want to do this.

This is the big one.

When I get to 2,000 subscribers, I want to take one of you and I want to send you around the world.

Yeah.

It's a you'd be tripping podcast, Patreon.

I want you to send you around the world.

You'd be tripping style.

Stay in hostels.

Stay in South America,

Southeast Asia, the stands, somewhere interesting.

Somewhere fucking Eastern Europe, Africa, maybe.

Yeah.

And I don't want you to weigh in.

And maybe it's a grappy or a kid.

Maybe it's an adult who's fucking done with their job.

We'll figure out somebody to go.

And I don't want you to weigh in and be a correspondent and have to take pictures for me.

No, I want you to fucking disappear.

And I want you to maybe weigh in every month or so.

I want you to find a hostile computer.

And I want you to get in there and register a new account and send me.

I'll give you a fucking address and send me what you've been up to so I can read it to everybody else.

Also, at some point, I'm going to do a live one where I'm going to take a dart and fucking throw it at a fucking globe or a map.

And I'm just going to get on a plane and go.

And I'll tell you about it.

I'll take you there with me.

You'll be chipping, Patreon.

Sign up right now.

Be one of the first.

Wow.

Let's do some fun shit.

I don't want to just do it basic ones.

We'll also have a new episode every week, but I want to do some fun, weird shit, guys.

Let's fucking do it.

Any suggestions you have, I'm open to it.

That's it.

Don't forget to subscribe.

Don't forget to get tickets to those shows in Australia, and then I'm done for the whole fucking year.

Guys,

until next week.

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So what was the first area you arrived?

What was the city or whatever?

In Shanghai.

Shanghai.

Yeah.

is that their biggest city no beijing is beijing i think was 24 million shanghai was 20.

then we did a gig in suzhou which was like their sleepy town okay and it was 10 million people wow and they're like whoa rogers is a small town yeah just a sure number of people out there yeah and so you arrive it's you're like just what what wandering down alleyways and stuff yeah you know what i realize now is that i um have pictures of this that i should show you yeah uh as we go So there's these gardens.

I don't even know where to start.

How about this?

Let's describe the smell.

Is it a smelly place or not?

Because in Thailand, you know, you arrive in Bangkok, it kind of stinks, right?

Yeah.

Well, it can, yeah, but it's

a stinky city.

Then I write to Suzhou, and I think this is what they told me: that the government could do whatever the fuck they want.

They're not elected.

They're appointed by the government.

So there's no, they wanted to build a business center in Suzhou.

They're like, build it.

And construction started the next day.

There was no red tape.

There's no nothing.

And then they just had across the river, just a business center.

And it just ruled.

So they had these crazy cool gardens and everything.

All pagodas everywhere.

No, it didn't smell.

Everything's clean.

They put people to work.

Pull people like sweeping, you know?

Yeah.

With like those palm leaves.

Yeah.

Well,

they were good work ethic people, right?

Traditionally.

Yeah, it's capitalist, but it's not like.

But again, China's so big,

it's hard to just describe them all with the same.

You can't just paint them all with the same brook, right?

Exactly.

Yeah, it's all different, whatever's.

Here we go.

I gotta fucking start marking these.

These are the fucking brooms that they had everybody sweeping up with.

Oh, look how young you are.

God, right?

Look how young.

This is 2014.

Young and happy before you've been canceled four times.

I saw that shirt.

Before the stress and the debt threats that you received.

Yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

I'm going to put all these into into a fucking album.

Yeah.

Nice.

Wait, China.

There we go.

I forgot I do have pictures.

Yeah, it's just fucking beautiful, actually.

The pagodas are really cool.

I got warned about one thing, about gutter oil.

Oh, you got to look this up.

So they have street noodles.

Okay.

And Turner rewarned me about gutter oil, which is they just

lower a bucket into a gutter, pull up fucking sewage, and then render it down

until it's oil.

Look at them.

Chinese street vendors use gutter oil.

And then they fry your food with that.

And then they fry your food with that.

They said

around 25% of the street noodles are made with that.

And is that unhealthy?

I would say yes.

So

the locals don't eat that?

The locals do eat it.

So they've grown immune to it or they're just...

Or they just die.

They don't notice.

Even when they die themselves, they're like, I don't know.

Are they they gone there's so many of us

did they just move it sounds racist when you have to say that but it's like the chinese are they're they're animals

they'll deep fry that stuff but then does it taste better i mean it's got to be it tasted great everything i ate there was great yeah and also it was so cheap it was the u n or whatever the y u e n was the currency yeah you would get like a skewer point to it whatever it was i didn't i didn't know anything i didn't even know how to say one two three or please yeah it was just barely new traveler point to something they're like one you w it's like 15 cents skewer and i'm like one of each of those and you're like oh it's so good the next one is like disgusting you just chuck it it's 15 cents just throw it in the ground incredible and then some old guy with a palm leaf quickly it pops up sweeps it up and runs back into the bush

he scurries off

and

it was it was so cool and you're just walking around and what was your first memory particularly of going oh

this rules, and then you, no, I love traveling.

Was there a specific going, this is just.

Well, okay, good question.

Excellent question.

I'm kind of an introvert.

Yeah.

So

for the first few days,

I'm uncomfortable around new people.

I don't know how to make friends.

Edinburgh, where we met, is like a good example.

That takes me a few days, but then it's like, but then you're still with those people.

So you'll be.

I really started to become friends with the Beijing scene because that was like eight, nine days in.

Yeah.

And then I was like, then I started feeling lonely.

Okay.

After being by myself, walking around by myself for a while, then I'm like, hey, actually, now I'm lonely.

Now I'm open.

Like, how do you guys like it here?

You know, then I could be like open a little more.

Yeah.

So Beijing,

I mean, I'm trying to think how to start with like Shank.

So we did gigs outside.

We went to Suzhou, stayed there for a few days.

Turner's like chick had like the gardens, the Suzhou gardens.

You got to look those up.

They're so fucking pretty.

And you just walk around all day looking at them.

They have these districts there, too.

So it'll be like the plumbing district.

Suzhou, China.

Yeah, the Guard.

Yeah.

It's a UNESCO site.

Interesting.

Yeah, look at this.

Oh, wow.

That was right behind the hotel.

They're just to give you free access.

So that's almost like it shows like botanical gardens.

Yeah, but it's their version with pagodas and fucking, you know, those koi ponds.

Wow.

Yeah, I'll see, I'll see people with like a camera and I was like, I was like, do you want me to take a picture of you?

Like me take a picture of you?

And they're like, like, sure.

And then I'm like, take picture of me.

And then they would.

And then I'd see another couple.

I'd be like, do you want to take a picture of you?

Like, we're the same couple.

You just asked us.

This joke's going to get old, but we'll just keep doing it.

It was so pretty.

And he had this hookup there.

So it was Beijing to these places on the bullet bus, bullet train.

I haven't thought about that in a while.

Just the fastest trains in the world.

The shows were great.

They had a great comedy club down there that's been shut down.

The government eventually said, you're done.

We learned everything we needed to about capitalism.

Beat it.

Oh, because people are making jokes at the expense of the government or something?

Oh.

Were you warned about this stuff?

Yes.

Okay.

Hard.

And they were like, no, seriously.

Well, you know.

Everywhere you go, they're like, hey, don't be dirty.

Don't do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And in your comic brain, what do you do?

It's right there, a big red button, right?

Yeah, exactly.

I'm not going to not do it.

They're like, don't make fun of the Chinese government.

I was like,

but then they go, listen to me.

I already know it's going through your head.

I'm also a comedian.

Yes.

We will will be shut down.

50-50, you'll be put in prison.

So do they have spies?

What is it?

They have spies?

They have spies in there.

So just in a sea of white faces, just one Asian guy in a newspaper with holes cut out.

I love New York shirt.

Like a poo when he's trying to get a citizenship.

Yeah, New York Yankees.

The New York Yankee buckers are doing quite well this year.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, they said there's a spy in every show.

Wow.

Yeah, you just should assume there is one.

And they had to sell tickets.

They had to sell tickets at a at a place next door for this place

it'd be like the fucking cactus cantina selling tickets for rogan's club okay um

because it was unrelated hey we're just selling it's it's it's it's

yeah the government's a different thing there also they run the propaganda so i was on the train once just going to downtown shanghai and they have tvs on the trains and they're showing propaganda of against the uyghurs yeah they're showing like a uighur uprising at a mahjong game okay this won't there's no way this will be there, but it was just a bunch of people playing mahjong, old people, and then some people standing behind them and then just pulling out machetes.

You just can't get a gun there.

Yeah.

Pulling out machetes from underneath them and just hacking people.

Wow.

And the screen blurs as the machetes this far from their head.

Wow.

Blur.

And there's fucking children on the train.

Yeah.

And they're like,

they want everybody to be like, you better hate these Uyghurs.

And

what are they?

Christians?

Who are the Uyghurs?

Which ones?

I tried to.

They're an ethnic minority.

They're only in a certain region, I think.

You know?

Yeah, well, it was funny when the stuff happened with Uyghurs are

Turkic.

But when it was funny when stuff happened with your people and the Palestinians, was that everyone was like, well, why aren't you mentioning these type of atrocities?

And I was like, well, I don't know anything about them.

I've never heard a single thing about these people.

Well, that's right, because they have such a great...

They're Sunni, interesting.

Is that what it is?

Sunni Islam is an important aspect of Uyghur identity.

Hey, guys, here's how every single person reads stuff that you put up on podcasts.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Uyghurs are a Turkic ethnic group native Xingzhang.

Okay, Uyghurs in a second.

Yeah.

And here's how you should read it.

Uyghurs are a Turkic ethnic group, natives of Zhengjiang.

They are distinct from the Han Chinese, the predominant...

No one knows how to fucking read on a podcast.

All right, so

anyway, so you went to start in, because that's a

yeah, and then they were all trying to find him, then they showed people bats trying to chase him down everywhere, but they're all they're trying to do is show the public, these people are a problem.

Yes, it was

yeah, to see the hand of propaganda was pretty interesting.

And do people love the government out there?

Well, there's pictures of Mao everywhere.

Okay.

And Mao killed, I believe, 60 million people.

Yeah.

60 million Chinese people.

Like, did he, what type of killing?

Was he he starved them out or did he actually have like death camps?

Well, they didn't fuck him to death.

I tell you, he didn't give him that deep dick him.

Yeah, maybe they.

Yeah, what's his death count?

What's Mao's death count?

I love the way they just round off, too.

It's like anywhere between 40 to 60.

No, I think all these tyrants stop at an evening.

Look, 40 to 80 million.

That's how many.

Wow.

They just round off between 40 million, give or take.

Wow.

Give or take.

Yeah, starvation.

Persecution, prison labor, and max executions.

Mass executions.

The max executions is the real.

That's how it.

But they love him.

Uncle Mao.

They love him?

Yeah.

Because he was killing the enemies or he was killing their same people?

I don't know.

I think it might be like,

I don't know.

That's a good question.

Yeah.

But they're like, don't, I did make one joke.

I was, because I was shitting on the American.

I was really going through like a rebellious phase against the government in Mike's comedy.

Yeah.

And then I said, like, we need a Mao to come in and fucking clean out our fucking government.

And everyone's like, dude.

And I'm like, no, no, it's pro-Mao.

And they're like, dude, move on.

It was like, stop.

This isn't worth anything.

I was like, all right.

No, okay.

Can you name the greatest mass murderer of the 20th century?

No, it wasn't Hitler or Stalin.

It was Mao Zedong.

Well, he's the greatest.

He was the greatest.

The stats don't lie.

The stats don't lie.

But also, it's like...

I liked Hitler's flavor, though.

Yeah, exactly.

Hitler was more of my type of a mass murderer.

The outfits.

Mao had the stats, but, you know.

I'll tell you, I could.

Could he have done it in Europe?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

People would have noticed and people miss him.

I bought his little red book, Mao's little red book of like quotations.

There's some interesting.

He's a smart one.

Yeah.

He's smart.

Did you tell me?

The dumbest was Ceaușescu of all those communist era.

He was like illiterate Romanian.

Mao was smart.

Mao was a smart one.

Was he the one you told me was like he would, when he killed the enemy, he would also kill all the enemies' family?

Because he was like, like, I can't have that.

That was Pol Pot.

That was Paul Pot?

Yeah, his great quote.

Yeah, look at that little red book.

I have it in,

I'm currently building a studio in New York.

And yeah, that's in the back of the shelf.

Nice.

And is there anything?

Pol Pot, enemy.

I used to do this in a yoga, like try to do like a

great quote, and I would do tyrants.

But it was better to, better to...

Better to kill a friend by mistake than to spare an enemy by mistake.

Yeah.

Wow.

I get it.

This guy got it done.

It's like the mob and rats, right?

Yeah, you know, the mafia would just kill you if they thought you're their

informant, they would just kill you because they were like,

It's not worth the risk, yeah, yeah.

Um, incredible.

Um, so did he have any though, like

um, fascist like stuff in those quotes, or was he just a

dictator, kind of?

Yeah, he was a dictator, no, but he had like he thought of communism as a way, I think, as a way to like get ahead.

Oh, I do have all this shit from the from the Suzhou gardens, damn.

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So culturally, how do you feel that stuff influences Chinese?

I was in a

vibe in the place.

Yeah, I got into it in Beijing.

So in Beijing, I hung out more at the comedy scene.

I was only there for two days.

I met Des Bishop there.

Yeah.

He was beginning the Chinese comedy scene.

Before that, it was like a 2,000-year-old, like back and forth, Oliver and Hardy

thing.

Yeah.

Slap sick, like

some guy that stands on a rake and smacks him in the face.

Yeah, I mean, it's pretty much just Sclar Brothers, but they're like, we don't look alike.

I'm like, I don't know, man.

He seems like Scar Brothers to me.

But like,

yeah, and then he goes, no, just do like monology.

Just do like Chris Rock, Seinfeld, do whatever.

And then they were like, and then they had a real problem because they have no copyright laws.

So they had a real problem with like, oh, I'll just steal, I'll just translate Chris Rock's stuff.

Yeah.

And Dez had to be like, do I tell these guys not to do that and make them lose interest?

Or, or do I say, yeah, just, sure, just do your

yeah.

So, uh, so Turner was starting a Mr.

Softy.

Um, you know that?

The ice cream?

Yeah.

His uncle owned like 15 trucks.

Okay.

And he goes, can I get this started in Shanghai?

And he goes, sure, I'll give you some money.

Try to get it going there.

And he did, started to get some heat.

And then other people, because there's no copyright laws, just painted their trucks up exactly the same, sold the exact same menu, just took pictures and copied the menu and parked right next to to him.

Yeah.

And he would go to the government.

He's like, can you do something about this?

And they're like, did they hit you?

Like, no, they're copying me.

And they're like, I don't understand.

What's the issue?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I heard about that, that someone had created an entire fake Apple store, didn't they?

Like from every single part of it.

They had a fake geniuses.

They had everything.

It broke.

It broke.

Yeah, you know, those glass stairs?

In the Apple store?

Okay, yeah.

You go upstairs.

That just shattered.

And then somebody sued Apple.

And Apple's like, that's not not our store

we'd have nothing to do with that like yes it is like nope so when you're traveling there did you have to be kind of when you were about to go into starbucks did you have to stop and go wait is this a starbucks or is this not i didn't go to a star even then i wasn't trash like that no way am i going to a goddamn starbucks in china i wasn't drinking coffee at the time um look how dumb i am just taking a picture of a random turtle

whoa it's a chinese turtle how did he survive um

yeah i was just impressed you know that feeling you get when you're just like in a new place and you're just like in front of a pagoda and you're like, that's so fucking cool.

Yeah.

This is the issue whenever we have these conversations is I get that itch of having to travel.

This is the issue with this podcast and everybody listening to this podcast, it's like suddenly they're like, fuck, I got to go out.

I got to go see these things.

Yeah.

I got to do things.

And China's when you got that.

China's when I got it.

So then I was like, and then I met somebody in Hong Kong who told me about the

full moon party.

And that's how I got to Thailand.

Yes.

But hold on.

So I'm in Beijing.

Okay.

Talked to Dez a little bit.

He told me how to go to the, I got to tell you about the fucking

the wall.

But the Beijing comedy scene does so

much blow.

Wow.

Drugs are punishable by death there.

So they were like, don't fuck around, don't fuck around.

And then you get there, and then everyone in the Shanghai scene is smoking weed.

And I was like, aren't you worried?

Like, it's so illegal here, not a single cop knows what that smell is.

They just think it's shitty cigarettes.

So you can smoke in front of them.

And I'm like, that's not, it's punishable by death.

And then they told me, like, they actually don't care about anything that only the whites are doing.

Okay.

They only care about what the Asians are doing, what the Chinese are doing.

So like, if it's opium, they're going to get mad.

And they're so backwards there with like computers.

They said one lady got caught in the Beijing scene with Coke.

They kicked her out of the country, stamped her passport.

You may never return.

She got home, steamed out that stamp, and went directly back.

Wow.

And they're like, welcome to China for the first time.

So there's so much Coke in Beijing, and it's felt so cool to do it.

It does feel cool.

Yeah.

And it's good stuff.

It's good coke stuff.

I was not really that into Coke before.

Yeah, of course, no.

Yeah.

The weed, they said the hash is up to 17% shoe polish.

Okay.

Which was too too high.

That's just too high a percentage for me.

Shoe polish?

Yeah, I like 10%.

10% shoe polish.

That's solid.

That's expected.

That's not bad.

Yeah, 17%.

Come on, Nigerians.

And by the way, they're like, who sells it?

They're like, look at the tall black man.

It's like, that's, that's the Nigerians everywhere.

They just run the markets.

It's crazy.

Yes.

So

you're doing drugs, you're partying.

Yeah, they have these things called the Hutongs, which they have in,

I think also in Vietnam.

But it's just these alleyways that.

alleys that aren't quite parallel.

So you can just get lost in them.

And that I would tell anybody to go down there.

Go to coffee shops, go to bars in there.

It's so fucking weird and cool.

You can't see over them.

So you think you're going east and all of a sudden you're going like north.

It's just they slightly alter.

Yeah.

They're not like even lines.

And so yeah, you're stumbling around, you're checking things out.

For food like that, too, it's like just you just randomly

random restaurants touched upon.

You're a better host than I am.

Yeah.

So I got some food in Shanghai and I'm eating it with like chopsticks, right?

And

quick.

Obviously, America, every country has their own version of Chinese food.

Like in Ireland, it's just, it's curry sauce and french fries, right?

You know, here it's chicken wings and general tissos, which they general sales, yeah.

Yeah, general sales.

That's my fave, yeah.

Is that what I do or go to?

You ever see a documentary searching for general so?

I saw the trailer, so I figured I'd the sambuba is the when the Chinese came to build the railroads they brought their food with them and the cowboys were like ew no fucking way am i eating a fucking crawfish with the eyeball still in it and then they go eventually the chinese like well we'll eat it and it's like hey you can just put some sugar in it these fucking cowboys will eat it yeah and that's our chinese food chinese food american it is you grow to like every chinese food that the search for has their nice thing but then you go but over here then you have all right you got the american chinese food and then you got to a place where they go no this is authentic chinese food now is that authentic chinese food even close to what they're eating over there?

It's close.

It's closer.

It's close.

It's closer.

There's more sugar in the sauce here, I'd say for sure.

But like sweeter, here's the biggest problem.

You go pick up a piece of chicken.

Yeah.

You know, you get it in your chopsticks.

I'm not an idiot.

I eat it.

I'm like, oh, there's a bone in this one.

Get the next one.

Bone.

They just cleaver it and leave the bones in.

And I'm like, what the fuck?

Yeah, they can be as, you know,

they don't waste any of it.

Beak, it's eat it.

Rub it in, yeah.

And then I was like looking at it, I'm like, what the fuck?

And they was like,

here, sir.

And they brought me a fork.

And I'm like, that's not my issue.

That was not my issue at all.

They thought it was the chopsticks you're getting.

Yeah.

Is it all chopsticks?

Yeah, chopsticks everywhere.

Chopsticks.

Yeah.

But then it's also like different regions.

I didn't get to any of the western China where it has less and less cities on a map.

Yes.

You know?

Where it's got an even more rural.

Yeah.

That's where, that's where Dez went and like learned how to do.

Like, he lived there for like a year.

Okay.

Des rules.

Yeah.

He went to just like, I'm going to learn Mandarin and be able to do stand-up in Mandarin.

Yeah, Des has a crazy brain like that for just learning stuff.

People that don't know, he's an Irish-American comedian and he just

learned Chinese.

He learned Chinese to do Chinese.

And he was doing, no, he wasn't just translating his bits.

He was doing bits about the Chinese alphabet, about their language.

Yeah.

Well, he learned Irish in his 30s.

What, like, Gaelic?

Gaelic, yeah.

That's how he started it.

He learned that in his 30s, and then he was like, oh, I guess I got to learn Chinese too.

Really?

Yeah.

And then he learned drums because he thought beats were

everyone could understand that.

Something like that.

He did some crazy drums.

Really?

That's a universal language?

Something like that.

He thought music was the universal language or something.

Yeah.

So Dez is out there because, you know,

I think people's perception of China, like you just, you've no idea.

Like, is it,

did they kill a lot of...

Okay, so.

Remember the one-child rule?

One-child rule ended?

Yes.

How long was that around?

That's a good question because this is what it also gave birth to.

The one child rule, because of that, it made this thing called the the little prince or the little tyrant because you had one kid you didn't want to beat them okay so they acted up

every kid thought they were special that oh yeah because

they were the only kid and then they never no one grew up with siblings so they that might have created a whole generation of almost

bad communicating or you can do it now yeah 2015 they ended it

millions of women being forced contraception forced sterilization and forced abortion where was that when i needed it?

Thank God God came in at the last second and fucking handled it for me.

See that?

So

that's so progressive that they even abortions on

the government's dime.

Yeah.

That's like not a bad thing.

That's what they want over here.

So

I went to the

Imperial Palace in Beijing.

Okay.

Tiananmen Square.

Walked right through it.

And I'm like, where the fuck is Tiananmen Square?

It's that.

But I'm like, hey, where's Tiananmen Square?

Square?

And then some guy was like, it's over that way.

And I walked back through it.

I'm like, where the fuck?

I can't find it.

And I'm like, where is it?

And then some guy's like, that's it.

I'm like, oh, it's just the parking lot.

There's no plaque.

There's no anything.

There's no mention.

If you're 30 years or below and you've never left China, you've never heard of it.

Wow.

They would give you no way to understand it ever happened.

Yeah.

You would have to have remembered it.

So the government isn't elected.

They've just decided we're in charge and then they just keep their own people.

Is there a royal family still or anything like that?

Is there a dynasty?

I think The Last Emperor.

I think I saw that movie.

And he got ousted after he chucked a fucking

mouse into a wall.

Remember the movie, right?

No one's going to remember that reference.

I barely do.

This is also fun.

Tons of fucking,

we'll lay these in.

This is Johnny Depp.

Yeah, we should say what it is.

It's Johnny Depp in these Chinese ads.

And is he even advertising this or did they just go, let's also use Johnny Depp?

I think he did.

I think their agents told him no one's ever going to see this.

Yeah.

It was kind of pre-internet where everything could be everywhere.

We'll give you $40 million.

Just do a fucking Chinese ad for anything.

Who knows what this is for?

Is there any water there that I could get, by the way?

Is there...

Yeah, we'll get your water.

Please, if there's any of those liquid debts around.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

God, that trip fucking ruled.

Yes, so you're seeing stuff.

Yeah.

We're all out.

Is there broken English anywhere?

Like signs like that?

Dude, a couple tourist spots.

That reminds me of this.

Going to a restaurant and going, okay, I called, they gave me a phone.

The other guy who ran one of the scenes gave me a phone and was like, he was like, use this phone while you're there.

Thank you.

You get on camera.

It's okay.

And he goes, use the phone while you're there.

So I asked him, hey, what's the word for beef?

And I think it's,

if I remember, it's like Rio, Rio, or something like that.

Neo,

something like that.

So I just said beef.

And then the guy like points at a sign with like 20 different options for beef.

And I'm like, fuck.

And I'm like, all right, number five.

And it's like, all right, for $3, I'm just going to chance it.

Yeah.

And then like that one.

And he was like, whatever he said, I'm like, uh-huh, which is probably like combo or just like whatever.

Yes.

And you just dive in.

And live it.

Because some people never do that in their whole life because they've never had to.

You've been forced to do that.

So that's the type of stuff that I think that changes you on the travel because you have to take these chances, and then you start doing it with more stuff in life.

And then your only regret is, hey, I wish I wrote that down.

I want to find that again, yeah, yeah, or I want to avoid that at all costs, yes, one or the other because I'm like, that would be more like that in a restaurant.

If I go to a place where I've never eaten before, I'm always just like, Give me something random, Beacock was like that, or where you go to these markets, and you're like, Yeah, I guess I'll give you give me that, and you're like, Whoa, this is awesome!

Yeah, was that?

Or you get something, and you're like,

Fuck, too much gutter oil, minimized

to make the whole thing gutter oil.

So accoutrement.

We're walking around with the Beijing comedy scene.

They knew English.

One of them was a translator, this Jewish chick from New York that I hung out with a few times after that.

She was so cool.

I forget her name now, but

she knew Mandarin, I mean, so well.

But we're walking around after the show.

We're getting drunk.

We stopped in 3.30 a.m.

to a bodega.

We got like Heineken's.

There's a guy just sitting there in his bodega, in his like shorts and like shitty tank top, shitty shirt.

Oh, they have this thing called the Chinese bikini.

Which is, hold on, let me do it.

Sounds like a wrestling move or something.

Yeah, yeah.

How far up and down do you get here?

Oh no.

I see the frame.

It's about to hit him with the Chinese bikini.

So it's like if this is your t-shirt, they just go like this.

And then they just,

well, imagine it's a t-shirt.

Yeah, yeah.

And they just tuck it up and under.

Yeah.

And they all, that's, that's their Chinese.

That's the man.

It just stands like this.

And then they, and then they, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've seen, I've seen, you see him do it.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man, there's so much there.

Anyway, so we're out.

So there's a guy with a Chinese bikini in a bodega at 3.30 a.m.

Sweating.

It was so fucking hot.

It was June.

So fucking hot.

And I'm like, what's he doing here?

It's like, he can't sleep.

And so he's just, I may as well sell stuff.

And I'm like, wait, we can buy beer at 3.30 in the morning?

They're like, yeah.

You're incredibly free here.

And I told all my friends when I got back, I was like, you can buy beer at three.

And they're like, oh, I'm like, it's crazy.

As long as you don't skull anybody with it.

You know, that's the only issue.

Yeah.

It's the problem with white people.

Yeah, exactly.

We like to skull people at three o'clock in the morning.

And

if we just didn't do that.

If we just didn't do that.

Yes.

Well, that's what they say.

The problem with, especially in Ireland, because of all the fights, they have all these.

But the problem is, well, we drink till closing.

Everyone, no one leaves early in Ireland, you know?

No one does that.

Like, it's like someone at two o'clock in the morning because I'm heading home.

That's

what?

So at four o'clock when that happens, everyone just gets pushed out into the street.

And next thing you know, you're all fighting.

You're in a kebab shop punching the head off a stranger.

Yeah, that's my fried bars.

Yeah, exactly.

It should be none of yours.

No, I'll stand by the fried food in Britain.

The only son you're getting is by the fryer.

But anyway, so I was told all my friends out.

I'm like, you can buy a beer at 3.30 in the morning and walk around the streets with it, just drinking it.

We were all just drinking it.

No thread of copy.

If cops saw you, they'd be like, hello.

You want to be like, put that away.

And I was like, it's so free and then my buddy goes can you go on google i'm like no

you cannot you need a vpn to get on google yeah oh yeah so how to

give us is there any more examples of that of where there's like you're like what you do you like yeah how do they have search engines do they have their only for their version their version of it so they had we chat which was monitored by the government that's their whatsapp Okay, everything monitored by the government.

You cannot assume anything you write on WeChat is not monitored by the government.

Yes.

So

you just watch your mouth a little bit.

But actually, we've kind of caught up to that here now with everyone on their phones.

You got to assume you're going to be recorded almost always.

People are on a better behavior now.

Just not government-related behavior.

Yeah.

Okay.

You mean like in the group chat, you're afraid to make a joke and then just leave.

You'll never say anything bad about the government.

But they did have this thing where the president just said, hey, at the time,

hey, I'm going to put bugs in every computer that's made right now so we can track every keystroke you make.

And the people got really mad about it.

They're like, no, because we also, we want to be on porn.

Yes.

You know what I mean?

We want to see like unblurred penetration, unpixelated.

It's wild and new there.

But they were really mad.

And they're like, no, no.

And the general consensus of the people were like, we all really hate this.

And then the government goes, okay, we're actually not going to do it.

At the same exact time, Obama was just letting that happen in America.

Yeah.

And he just, they never said that.

And he never said a word about it.

Yeah.

So

it's one of those things that kind of like makes you,

you know, where you're like, you see another country, like, oh, they do it wrong here, whatever.

And it makes you realize how we do it.

It's also kind of fucked.

Yeah, well, yeah, yeah.

It's like you hear about other countries and their governments and they're killing journalists and stuff like that.

And you go, oh, you don't think things like that are happening here, you know?

Yeah.

So you can't Google.

So how do you, how do you

search?

Oh, you use a VPN.

Go through Switzerland or whatever.

Yes.

and that they were like you gotta everyone everyone had a expat had a vpn is the vpns how people watch porn in texas because they they got rid of porn wait what there's no porn in texas you have to sign in like you you there's no gambling here there's no porn there's porn

to like make an account and like i don't know you can't be in texas to get on porn you got to prove your age you got to prove your identity so kids can't be watching porn you porn and uh i'm telling you i'm going to test all hotels are pretty lonely

I want to rush him back to Austin anytime soon.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, so you can get access to Texas users.

But there's always a way.

It's all like, we've got to get out of New York.

They're totalitarian there.

I'm like, how's your weed shops here, bro?

You can't get on a porn site.

What are we even talking about?

I know.

I know.

Use a Sears catalog, these kids?

They don't even make anymore.

Yeah.

You find a way.

There's ways to find your way.

There's always a way.

there's always ways i've put on i've tried to get it gotten rid of porn and then you'll just i'll find a way yeah i'll find a youtube video that does enough

just enough what about imagination like shut your mouth whatever no way

um and yeah so there's things like that you're using your vpns yeah

so here's the suggestion yeah it's like that but it's like they're like they all just deal with it I did know the, this was instructive, the expat scene, they're like, we don't eat Chinese food anymore.

We did it for like a week or two, even a month.

It's it's so like they all just hang out of the hot dog shops, the burger shops, and the pizza shops.

Oh, wow, yeah, and it made me realize that's why Chinatown all eat at their places, and they're like, Yeah, I tried a burger, yes, of course, and the squid eyeballs.

Yeah, that is a nice thing.

I remember when I traveling around Thailand, and we came across after like we did all the rural stuff, and then we came across a McDonald's after like a week, and we were like, or two weeks, and we were like, Oh my God, it was globalization.

I love you.

It was the best.

It was like, it was like water in the desert, man.

It was incredible.

I did see some wild also that reminds me of

t-shirts.

I saw like a New York Knicks World Champion 1994.

And I'm like, no, absolutely not.

People just wearing like, like, just such copyright infringe and just wrong stuff.

Like, that's not, that's no.

They weren't even, that was the Ewing years.

They didn't even mean it to the finals.

That's so funny.

Yeah.

And yeah, so is there a big, is there, what's their views on America?

Americans.

Is there like a glamorization?

Do they love?

Do they...

It's a good question.

I didn't talk to any.

I didn't talk to any locals.

They don't most important a word of English, right?

Yeah, they said one of the big things for some of the

white chicks in China was for the first time, because if Shanghai is a 20 million person city, they're in a smaller city of 50,000, the expat expat city.

They're ignored.

A few are like inquisitive about them, but almost all they're ignored.

And all these like pretty blonde chicks, like I've never been not even looked twice at by that many people in a row.

And they go through this thing of like, come on, am I not pretty?

Wow.

I'm not even glanceable.

Little self-esteem issue out there.

Wow.

So you were single on your trip, were you?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So

dip your toe in the Asia fever there.

No.

No, well, yeah, once.

Yeah, a local?

Yeah, local.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's.

Forgot about that.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I went over there.

It was the World Cup was on.

Not a Lady of the Night, though, right?

Not a Lady of the Night.

No, exactly.

They had no pimps there.

Pimps were illegal.

So you could have hookers.

Pimps are also illegal here, I believe.

But hookers were legal.

Yeah, good point.

But they only illegalized pimping.

Sorry?

They only illegalized pimping.

So you could be a hooker, just make your own business.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which makes sense, I think.

Right?

Yeah, I hooked up with some young chick.

So is there a big sex tourism or anything like that going on there now?

No, like Thailand.

Not like Thailand, okay.

And Cambodia and shit.

Yeah.

So you hooked up with this chick, whatever.

I hooked up with somebody after the World Cup, some white chick also, just like

this was in

Wuxi, maybe, just over the Hong Kong border.

I think I tell you about the Great Wall of China too, but like

made out for a while, just made out.

You know, maybe some finger blasting.

I don't know.

Maybe some light finger blasting.

It was so fucking

nuts there, dude.

And then I had to get back to my place.

And I forget, they tell you to like take the business card from your hotel because the cab drivers don't speak any English, especially in these smaller towns.

There's no tourism.

Yeah.

So I didn't.

Torrential rain flag down.

I'm like, get me to the Hyatt.

And they're like, I mean, I may as well just drive,

and I'm like, the Hyatt Hotel.

So, no, so I'm like, all right, I got out, pouring rain still.

Then another guy, the Hyatt, nothing.

Then the third guy, I remember it was near the train station.

So I was like,

and the guy's okay.

And then he starts driving.

Can you imagine?

You pick up this Chinese guy, most Jewish man you've ever seen.

And you guys are going,

like a dances with wolves.

Katunga, katunga.

Yeah, he gets me nearby until I see the Hyatt sign.

I was like, yes, Audible, Audible, Hyatt.

Nice.

And what's that currency?

Just little bags of match powder?

What?

Yeah, they have MS2.

They all got so into the World Cup.

They weren't in it, but it was 4 a.m.

and the bars all filled up.

That was pretty bum.

Yeah.

It was great.

They were all out there watching, smoking, watching.

The younger generation, they liked everyone out there.

Just like young, they're drinking, they're partying.

I met more cool Chinese people in Thailand and like Pai and places like that than I met in there.

Okay.

But Hong Kong was both.

And they speak Cambodia.

No, not Cambodia.

What is it?

Mandarin and Cantonese.

Cantonese.

Yeah.

But they all speak English in Hong Kong.

Okay.

So it's way easy.

The Great Wall of China, first of all, fucking so fucking cool.

It's like legit, like real.

It's the Great Fucking Wall.

Sick.

Yeah, it goes on forever.

So,

the whole thing?

Dez hooked it up for me.

And he goes, no, I walked a lot of it, took my shirt off.

I loved it.

They also have these apps there with the

dude.

I'm remembering all this shit now.

It's been a while since I've thought about any of this.

But they have these apps for

pollution, air pollution.

Okay.

And if it gets too much,

you have to wear a mask.

That's from like the factories and stuff?

It's just, they were so bad on

what's it called?

On

air quality and shit.

So like we're doing all this stuff, like separating our fucking plastics and everything.

Chuck it out the window.

Chuck it out the window.

So there's me giving my allegiance to the fucking

Chinese flag.

The Nazi red flag.

Yeah, you could.

They also had, they're like, hey, they're going to try to rob you on prices, like everywhere.

And they said like a Coca-Cola should cost their version of $1.

You know, let's say it's 100 UN.

You got white guy tax.

Exactly.

And they're going to try to go through and just go, no.

And they taught me, you know, Turner and Andy and whatever.

They taught me how to say, no, it's this much money.

It seems exhausting because every time you want a Pepsi, it's like, just.

I'm just, come on, just give me the fucking price.

Just save me.

Yeah.

But I did that on the Great Wall, and the guy spoke a little English.

I was like, no, it's not 300, it's 100.

And the guy goes, I lugged it up here.

It's up a fucking mountain.

And I'm like, fair.

Okay.

I will pay you the full 20 cents then.

It's still fucking so cheap.

Yeah.

Yeah.

God, that great wall is fucking just hike the whole thing to where it got like broken down and where they don't like fix it up and like trees are growing out of it.

You can go inside, outside.

When you see it, you realize like no one's.

Imagine marching through the fucking mountains and woods with an army.

Yeah.

Like we're going to invade China.

Yeah.

And then you just come across a wall

that doesn't end to the left or right for hundreds of miles.

Incredible.

You're fucked.

You're going home.

Yeah.

Little openings to shoot arrows out where they can't get them back in.

Yeah, how long did it take them to build that?

Do you remember over 50 years?

I don't know.

I don't have no idea.

At the end, they have a

toboggan on the way down.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

So Dez was like hooked up a hooker.

What's it called?

Oh, here's the microphone.

I was doing an intro of my old podcast there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I was recording intros.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Dez hooked it up with a driver.

He goes, hey, it's $600.

It was like $50.

He goes, you own him for the day.

He's full slave.

Yeah, it ruled.

And I'm like, yeah, but I'm going to be up there for like a couple hours at least.

He goes, go as long as you want.

He's not working normally.

And I'm like, what's a tip?

He goes, don't tip.

Okay, fuck.

And this guy's just waiting for me for so fucking long.

Oh, I hope I have a picture of this toboggan.

I'll see if I have it later.

But like, so at the end of it, you're hype, whatever there's just a wild maybe look that up this toboggan down the fucking uh um great wall of china i doubt i have any pictures of it oh here's the uh how long did it take to build a great wall 2500 years who put that into play

yeah that was like a there it is that was like a dude so you finish

you finish i didn't know

there's two there's two ways to steer this fast not fast you gotta to lean left or right.

Did you go on it?

Were you there?

I did.

How much is a rule?

It was awesome.

It's so fucking good.

I was like, what am I doing right now?

I'm going down this slide off the great wall.

It's crazy.

Uh-huh.

Here, here, here, here, read this.

This is the notice to visitors at the top.

It's just, it's not even like a sponsored government thing.

Read it out loud.

Notice to visitors.

Toboggan is a dangerous sport.

You must follow the notice of the toboggan toe drive.

If you don't follow the rules, it will be at your own risk.

Our company is not responsible.

Yeah, it's just some company that set up a toboggan from the top of the...

But that was the advice.

They also said this.

And anyone who goes, here's my advice.

Oh, I need to do this more.

Like, any advice?

I forgot that's for other ones.

If you have any advice for anyone going, I got to start asking more people that.

Talk to the guy running the toboggan for as long as you can because you need the guy ahead of you to get far away because these Chinese are risk averse and they go fucking slow the whole way down and enjoy the scenery and you want to fucking

rip it.

Yeah, you just want to rip it.

It's a bargain.

Tell the guy where you're from.

Ask him questions about China.

Just delay.

They're all polite.

They're not going to say, go.

They're not going to do it.

And you want a lot of space.

Look at this.

It's like, it's like, you just got to lean in.

It goes so fucking fast.

Just zipping back and forth.

And like, no track.

Have there been any deaths on this thing?

He died at the Great Wall of China.

What a great way to go.

Your grandfather died at the Great Wall of China in a toboggan accident.

Oh, my God.

Smashed his face into the back of some Chinese girl's head.

Yeah.

Dude, I saw a video of a toboggan and one guy wearing all his Arab gear with the hijab and everything.

And then somebody else coming from behind him, but too fast to get a crash.

And just somebody superimposes, hello, Akma.

Slams it to him.

So you're, you're.

So you just zoom.

It's so fucking fun.

What?

Yeah, but then eventually I did catch up to somebody and you had to like go and be like, come on.

While you're out there, what you were, so because it was a busy, like a work trip, it was all hotels and stuff.

It wasn't hostels and backpacking.

No hostels, no nothing.

They hooked that up.

But I met people there that told me about the joy, especially in Hong Kong, about the joys of the hostel.

I don't know.

About the full moon party in Thailand.

Really opened up my eyes.

My friend Sarah, who was like a great fucking inspiration to me about travel.

She told me about the full moon party.

Yeah.

Found some nice acid there.

In China?

In China.

Yeah.

And they grow great mushrooms in Hong Kong.

Wow.

I mean, there's so much to fucking do and whatever.

There's tons of temples and shit if you want to like see stuff, but yeah.

So Hong Kong was kind of like the

Hong Kong was cool.

Hong Kong also had

tell me from Long Kwai Fong.

Is that the street?

It's a center street.

It's their what's the Dublin version where all the tourists go?

Temple Bar.

Temple Bar.

Yeah.

It's that.

It's outside.

It's a, so they have all these bars.

They also have 7-Eleven, which you can just go buy beer and go outside and be in the patio areas of people with bars.

They were trying to get it shut down, but 7-Eleven was like, we don't care where they go.

There was a torrential rainstorm when I was there.

Everything got slippery because of that.

And it's on a hill.

And everyone's just falling and sliding down this fucking street.

It was so fun.

They put me in the south in Hong Kong.

away like through the through the jungle.

Long Kwaifeng, yeah.

It fucking rules.

It fucking rules.

Great Great bars there.

Definitely go hang out there.

And all the expats and also a lot of Marines show up there and also locals.

That's where everybody kind of mingles in.

So this is definitely one of the places you say you've

got there.

You gotta go.

Go to the Great Wall.

Don't.

Okay.

So I have one saying in terms of travel.

Just don't be an asshole.

If you're near enough to the Great Wall of China, don't be like, oh no, is it typical?

Just go fucking see it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know?

If you're a fucking block away from the Eiffel Tower, go take a look.

don't be a fucking asshole yeah you know i get not doing the typical thing but like if it's on a wonders list yeah just fucking do it this is not

a big rule

one of two famous walls yeah go see the what's the other one the berlin wall yes nice hell yeah

um

yeah because like when people go to ireland they're always like i'm always like get out of dublin dublin Do both though, you know, because Dublin's like a regular city.

It's a real fun place.

And then I'm like, go to the west, go see the fucking, the rolling hills go to those little villages and

would china have been like that similar where you're like i don't know i didn't go to i mean the cities are so big and vast and they have these districts like i said where it's like it's all plumbing stores 30 plumbing stores together and then another district would be like all shoe stores and you want to be like hey guys swap them

you can do a lot better if you just went to the plumbing district they go no you're all selling the exact same stuff at the exact same prices and then and you try to explain that they go but then you wouldn't be in the you wouldn't be in the shoe district

you crazy Americans and my radical ideas.

Yeah, I don't understand it.

It's crazy.

I'm like, none of you guys are stepping out.

Yeah, Hong Kong Ruled 2.

That scene was really cool because everybody spoke English in Hong Kong.

So it was a lot of fun, a lot of boozing, a lot of boozing.

And weed, great weed.

Great.

American weed.

They just smuggle it in.

It's awesome.

Is there any organized crime

over over there or anything?

They never got brought up and they never said that.

Because sometimes you go places where it's like, you know, the mob of the money.

Yeah, Kuza.

Is that them?

Is that Japan?

Yeah, that's Japan.

I can't even remember the Chinese triads.

Oh.

So here's the best thing.

Okay.

See this kid?

I'm forgetting about all this stuff.

So these kids have,

they shit and piss just everywhere.

That's just the standard.

The kids just shit and piss everywhere.

Everybody does.

Everybody pisses.

The kids shit and piss.

I saw one kid like looking and he looked back at his mom because he's about to piss and he's looking at his mom and he's like like maybe i shouldn't you know like looking back like and she's like yeah yeah he's like and she goes yeah and he's trying to be a fucking human she goes no no be one of us

so they just shit and they shit so much in public that they're like build special shorts for them

so it's like a skirt And when you stand up, it kind of, is this on?

Yeah.

It kind of comes together.

And when, and when you crouch, it automatically goes like that.

So it just allows you to crouch and it separates enough for you to just take a dump and then it seals back up again.

And everyone just standing in shit then?

Are you all just stepping in shit?

Or is there like, are they politely...

Nope.

This kid's shitting right on a wall.

He's in the process of shitting on a wall.

And then you just leave the shit there.

Yeah.

It's even a dog you would pick it up.

It's insane.

Even if it's not...

Do they have special, like, because you know the stoops in New York?

The reason they have stoops was because the roads used to be full of shit.

They invented

New York because that was so that your house was elevated off of the

shit.

That's right.

Wow.

The architecture in New York.

No, it's not that bad.

Okay.

But any of the little rivers or streams, it's like, ugh.

Just poops flying everywhere.

Bannon, stop.

Buddy, you're being annoying.

Damn, that was it.

This next trip is fucking somewhere else.

That was it.

It ruled to China.

It ruled.

And everything after that, I was like, I just got to get back to these places.

Not knowing languages.

Yeah.

And just making do.

You've done it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I did it.

It was a fluke.

My friend was like, we got to go to Thailand.

And I was like, I don't know.

And then once you do it, and then afterwards, you go, oh, that's changed.

Wanting to see what things are is just, it's, you get it.

You got to be there.

You got to see it.

Yeah.

Also, just knowing, like, I can do it.

I can get by.

It's sad.

I'm, yeah, but my girl's not like, you know, she'll never, she'll never do that.

I have my girl, my fiancé.

No, she won't go to like, just like,

have no plan, go to a a hostel and just figure shit out.

She has to be like, No, we have a restaurant, we're staying in the hotel.

So, yeah, it is sad that I fell in love and won't be happy again.

But my friend stayed with the one who told me about hostels.

That does suck.

He had a room that was like one of those tiny rooms.

I mean, this size, you open the door a bit until it smacks the bed, bring your way in, then close it, and then like hot plate.

Just like that's just like normal living there, yeah.

Yeah,

I mean,

plans to go back to China?

I almost moved there during the pandemic when I was like, where can I do stand-up?

You know, when that like two weeks.

So during the pandemic, you moved to China.

You were thinking of going into the belly of the beast.

The club was open.

The Wuhan Comedy Club.

The Honka.

The club was open.

Yeah.

They were like, hey, we'll disappear here for a minute if you get a fever.

You'll come back with a better appreciation for the government.

But no, the club is open.

And I was like, hey, is stand-ups dead?

New York, remember that?

Yeah.

It was like, this is never coming back here.

Yeah.

We're very on top of each other.

Yeah.

And I was thinking of moving here to Austin.

I was thinking of moving to Hong Kong.

And then the fucking, the only problem was the fucking revolution

that was going on.

I'm like, no, that seems fun.

That's

how oblivious I am to anything going on.

There was a revolution.

Yeah.

Against the government?

The government, they were trying to appoint their governor

in Hong Kong.

Said, well,

we'll give you two choices.

You can't be like, no, we want all our choices.

And they're like, never going to happen.

And then they outlawed.

This is how fucking ball of the Chinese government is.

So they were saying, we want to be able to extradite criminals back into mainland China.

And then the Hong Kongese were like, no, fucking, that's bad news.

That's bad news.

Try us here.

Let us do prison here where we're kind of no, keep tabs.

Like, no, they go, well, no more protest signs.

They're illegal.

And so then the Hong Kong people started just holding up blank signs.

Yeah.

They're like, well, we all know what this means.

And then the Chinese government was like, we also know what it means.

We'll just arrest you for that.

You're not getting over on us.

We're not going to court on this.

We're just going to beat you and arrest you.

It ruled.

It ruled so fucking hard.

And when I got back, it was just like, damn, I want to do more stuff.

Immediately.

Immediately.

Googling other stuff.

Straight away, Full Moon Party was on your.

Well, my friend Sarah told me about that.

She goes,

so the Hong Kong scene rented a junk boat and all the comics went out there.

Some DJ went out there.

I think she OD'd actually since then.

But like

I had that one-hit acid, not enough to share.

Yeah.

Or I would have.

Yeah.

But somebody gave me some.

And so I'm out there floating.

There's jellyfish coming up.

Like, oh, fuck.

But I'm just floating and looking up.

And Sarah's like, what do you want?

And I'm like, a little acid.

She was like, I think it's like a full moon party.

Yes.

And she just told, she's like, it was one of the funnest times I've ever had in my life.

You would love it.

She met up with me there.

With a couple other people.

But it was just like, okay, what else is there?

Yeah.

That'll be another episode for another time.

But, like, what?

Full moon party.

Full moon party.

Yeah.

But.

Did you go to that?

Yeah.

Did we talk about it?

Yeah, maybe.

When did we do that podcast?

That was such a long time ago.

Yeah, but whatever.

Yeah, so you go back to China.

Would you go see different places?

I know John.

Yeah, I want to go to more rural China.

Rural China.

Yeah, I want to go to some other cities

and see what it's like in the smaller towns.

Because those sleepy towns were all so interesting.

And now that I'm a better traveler, I think I get around a little better.

Yeah.

But I want to see that those crazy, the

all the warriors,

those statues of like a hundred warriors.

Oh, is that stone statues?

Terracotta warriors.

Terracotta warriors.

You've seen them.

I didn't see them, but I would like to.

Damn.

Yeah.

I think Danny Paula sucks on him.

Oh, did he?

Yeah, I'd like to see those two.

Some of that shit.

My feeling is like the statues will get you places and then you can move from there.

Yeah.

You know, like what statue do you have to see, more or less?

What statue or ocean or whatever?

Yeah, that.

They just found them all buried.

Incredible.

Thousands of fucking statues of warriors.

And did you, did anyone ever tell you, was there like, is there like any cultural difference between like

Mandarin speaking and Cantonese?

Like, do they consider themselves almost different, probably different types?

I wish I knew more.

No, no, no, no, my experience at all.

And has, since you've, since you've been,

when people talk about China, like in the news and stuff, have you got?

It's crazy.

Because there's a few of us who have been there.

My friend Liam, who made the backdrop here.

Yeah.

Um, um,

wait, did he go?

I think he went.

It's just like, I had a blast.

Yeah.

And they're like, well, you can't go anymore.

Fuck them.

Like, that wasn't, I wasn't there to fucking overthrow the government.

I was there to eat some food I didn't understand.

You know, I was there to smoke some shoe polish.

Sorry I didn't use that.

So it's like I had a fucking great time and I would definitely go back.

Yes.

It fucking.

I'm not a dissident.

Yeah.

It rules as long as you're not a fucking dissident.

Yeah.

Just get a VPN.

Dude, you're doing blow and then drinking beer, walking the streets at 3.30 a.m.

That's cheap as hell, right?

It's so fucking cheap.

It's so fucking cheap.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

China is, I got to get back, actually.

So you hear people talk about China and that you go, that's not what it is.

That's not it at all.

Yeah.

That's not it at all.

That's not my experience at all.

That's how when you hear them talking about New York, how, what a war zone it is, and you're like, sure, guys.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yes.

it's not at all, it's so safe.

It's like, I don't know, somebody got pushed to the subway.

That's been happening for decades anyway.

That's New York.

It's hard to see.

It's New York.

Why not?

Someone gets pushed in front of the train.

Yeah.

Get a pizza slice for it.

Get a pizza slice, wash it off your brain.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

No, it's not my experience at all with them.

So I'm like, okay, well, you're missing out because it's great.

Yeah.

Well, what about when like people like, you know, like Trump or someone talks about it in the news?

Is there ever you sort of go, that's not, that's just, that's just that.

Nah, it doesn't affect me.

Yeah.

He's talking talking about like, yeah, like rules for like TikTok and shit.

I'm like,

yeah.

That's not my, that's not my part of it.

That's not my part of it.

You know, that's not my China.

Did you try to learn China?

That's just the fun.

Did you try to learn any of the language at all?

No, I got that way later.

I was in Indonesia and I met an Italian girl and she was like actively trying to learn Bahasa.

And

I was like,

oh, damn, you're like, you're really going for this.

So then in the next country, I went to East Timor.

I was like, let me do some homework first.

But usually I'll do like one through 10.

Please, thank you bathroom food

I forget I have a little list of like words to get some sex

sex yeah yeah you can point this everywhere drain yeah this drain oh did they have any did you ever find out did they have hookers I went to a hooker bar actually a hooker bar yeah there was like a lot of hookers there I didn't get any but I was like oh it's hookers okay cool okay hooker bar what are you gonna ask uh did you ever hear of any like slurs against whiteies that they have did they call us round eyes What do they eat?

Good question.

Did you eat?

They do in Thailand.

They do call us round eyes.

Farong.

Farong?

Yeah.

Oh, nice.

How many times would you have to hear that before you start to get insulted by it?

You know what I mean?

In Indonesia, by the end, I think Bulai, I was like, and I was in a shuttle to East Timor, and everybody picked up, like, oh, Bulai, Bulai.

And I was like, after a while, I was like, Bulai, Bulai.

I hear you guys.

I hear you say it.

Yes.

And I know it's derogatory.

I can feel it enough.

I know, but isn't it funny how that works?

Because at first, you're just like this psychological.

Oh, cool.

You can learn to hate a soccer eventually.

You're not saying it was like, oh, we got it.

If you said it like that, I'd be fine.

Yeah, well,

there was a hate in their heart.

Yeah.

Yeah, great.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's my trip to China.

Was there anything else then that we didn't cover that you can think of?

No, no, no, I'm remembering things as I went.

I was forgetting, as you brought it up, I'm forgetting about the Great Wall of China, was the most iconic place in the world.

I forgot about La Kuaifong until I thought about it.

Yeah.

Yeah, they love soccer.

There was some homelessness in Beijing, but almost nowhere else, except for that one guy in Shanghai that's dead.

Okay.

But like, almost nowhere else.

They just clean it up.

They're just like, we'll get you a job.

We'll get you out of here.

Or they'll just execute him.

I don't really know.

I don't care.

It doesn't matter.

Doesn't bother me.

I don't see it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

How long were you there?

I was there for like a week.

A week.

So not too long.

Did you have the experience where this happened to me a couple of times where you would book a hotel or a hostel or something, and then the cab driver would take you to a different place and they would just check you in as if you were meant to be there and then you don't realize till a few hours later you're like this is not my hotel

um no only because the comedy scene got me all the spots and they drove drive me to the hotels and check me in yeah so that's like a scam they do they go oh yeah and they bring you to their cousin's hotel yeah that happened to me a couple times in in shen in uh in uh uh bangkok it was like from the airport to the hotel they stop at a suit store i'm like oh yeah yeah yeah like no well just i just need to refuel gas and they just sell you i'm like can i get out of here i don't want a suit i have a fucking backpack on where am i gonna pack a suit

um

that they get mad like i'm it's fine i'm like i never said i wanted to mine

um um

i will say this

when you have locals on the ground like boots on the ground telling you like someone who lives there but from your place an american who lives there it's a great way to see a place yeah Because they'll tell you the restaurants to go to.

It's like when your friends from Ireland come to visit New York, like, let me show you the cool bars.

Yeah, yeah.

Instead of like going to a lonely planet, you know?

Yeah.

These do their job.

There's something to these lonely planets.

They will guide you a bit.

But then it is like, it's going to be all tourists though.

They're good for letting you know some of the

how to take the buses, how to take the trains.

Yeah.

Google Maps works there for the train system.

Okay.

Works great.

Gets you around because you can't read any of the fucking signage.

But yeah, if you have people there showing you the cool places to go,

beer bay.

Okay.

Oh yeah.

So there's a bay that you go from to the island of Hong Kong Island or something where the hippies live.

Okay.

And there's where all the boats go off from, all the ferries go.

And it's just beer bay.

You can get cheap beer and drink outside and all the Xbox just meet up.

I mean, that's what they called it.

Let's see if it's there.

And traveling from city to city was, you said, were they?

They were bullet trains.

Were they overnight or no?

No, they're fast.

the beer bay central pier four hong kong yes

yes

yeah and you could just go buy whatever beer then sit out on these steps outside you see them on the steps the top right top top top left right yeah yeah we'd sit on those steps you'd buy beer there for fucking eight cents and you'd go up there and sit and everyone would get fucking drunk

And it was all the whites.

It was great.

Some of those guys lived there for like 10 years, didn't speak lick of Mandarin or Cantonese.

nothing.

Wow, that was, it was so fun.

Everybody there, expat-wise, was on just a vacation, a year's long vacation.

Yeah, you're just retired.

You're just essentially retired.

Yeah.

You're just doing a little milk return.

You're there for a short amount of time, but it's like, it's like, let's say you work in the banking world.

And so Shanghai is a big banking district.

Hong Kong's a big banking district.

Okay, but you could be in London or New York.

Why are you accepting the gig in Hong Kong?

Because you're adventurous.

You're wild.

Yeah.

You know?

And so the people there are like, and everybody's on a

two to five year contract.

So all the relationships they told me were temporary.

No one's committing fully.

They're just not doing it.

Sorry, Dougie.

Standard.

Chill, buddy.

You know this by now.

So everybody's like, if we're dating, it's like, it's going to break up in eight months when your contract's over.

Yeah.

You're going to go on to the next country.

Yeah.

You know, so that was like really, really cool.

Nice, buddy.

Nice try.

And that part made everybody just fucking drink.

It was like summer camp.

It was pretend land.

Yeah.

It was like, and there's that vibe of when you meet these people who are traveling and there's no, I'm sure we talked about this in our podcast, but there's no like responsibility of like, there's no time for it.

Like, it's not like you have to do a thing at a certain time.

It's like, what are we doing today?

We're going to do nothing and we don't have any responsibility.

And you'd have like a guy.

You'd have a guy like his wife got a got a banking job.

We'll wrap wrap this up soon.

And then he's like, well, I got to go with my wife.

It's a, it's a high-level job.

So, but I got to do something.

So I'm like, I'm teaching English now.

Yeah.

And I don't care.

It's not my career.

I'm just like doing something.

Yeah.

It's interesting.

And let's get drunk.

It's fucking Tuesday.

Let's get drunk.

You pass out in the street.

They don't care.

They just go, ugh, whites.

And

it fucking rules.

There's so many great ways to live.

And,

you know, usually the cities in America,

it might not be it.

It might not be it.

It might not be it.

Even if you go down to, like, Key West, where you're just having a pina colada on a Tuesday morning.

Yeah.

Shout out to Key West coming.

Key West.

Yeah.

Yeah, Dustin's.

Yeah, Dustin's the man.

I want to move down there.

I love that place.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can't.

Because it's just so nice.

It's a Wednesday morning.

You're getting steamed.

No reason not to drink.

You can't do that in New York.

You have an issue.

You have a problem.

Yeah, I really want to get back to China now.

Or Asia in general.

Asia's just so yeah, like you said, that foreignness is so stimulating to the, like, everything.

Nothing embodies that word like Asia.

Yeah, foreign.

And you go, what the?

You can't even.

So

if you're in Paris,

okay, you don't speak French.

You can read enough of a street sign to like Rue de Saint-Denis.

Yeah.

And they'll be like, Rue de Saint-Denis.

But yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Yes.

And I can read it.

In China, it's like bush, upside-down tree.

Fucking, some guy looks like he's waving fingers.

Oh, yeah, with the language.

Do you recognize any of those things?

You never even came close to it.

Nothing.

Nothing.

You start to look at symbols on signs.

Yeah.

And then you just get lost a lot.

Great.

You got to take that card with you from a hotel.

Are you getting longing for this as we're talking about it?

Yeah, I definitely got to go back.

For sure.

Yeah.

It gives you these itches.

Fucking, this is a frustrating thing because I've said it to you in the past about these podcasts.

And I remember listening.

And afterwards, you just go, what am I fucking?

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

Let me just break all these fucking, let me break all of Tom's cameras and just fucking run.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Now you probably have a bigger fan base out there, too.

So it'd be more, more likely to go back to that.

That Shanghai show was what, it was definitely my favorite show of that year.

It's one of my top 20 shows of all time.

Great.

They don't get much.

Yeah.

And it was just, it was on fire in a small, compact room.

Yeah.

But they're all gone now.

Also the Hong Kong, some of the Hong Kong people are still there, but everybody is Tambi Chan and fucking Garen Chu and like some of the scene guys out there.

But also they're getting billed $2 million for making a fucking squirrel joke about the government, about the army or something.

And now it's like, ugh, it's just weird, but just don't be a dissident.

That's my advice.

That's my advice today.

Here's my travel advice.

Don't be a dissident wherever you go.

Get that go across the screen.

Yeah, I want to do Chirons.

Is that the word?

Nice.

You should do this whole episode in Chinese subtitles, actually, too.

I should have some Chinese subtitles.

Guys in the booth, you're welcome.

You can go do that.

Maybe over all the racial slurs that we've done.

All the fucking just two China, like, oh, Matt was great.

No, he's just

say it.

No, say is that we love the Chinese government the whole time.

Say, like, real, it's all pro stuff like that.

Yeah, anytime you bring it up, like, this means tongue-in-cheek, which is not a food here.

That was great.

Yeah, guys, please subscribe to You Be Trippin' Pod on YouTube if you want to watch these, wherever you're listening.

It's UB Trippin'.

And also, You Be Trippin' Pod on Instagram.

I have no way of getting the conversation going.

But if you've been to China, leave some fucking comments on the YouTube or on the Ubi Trippin' Pod

whatever's Instagram page or TikTok or whatever.

And tell me where you've been and let people know what shit there is to do if you're there.

Yeah.

This is great.

Yeah.

Column, you have a special on Gas Digital?

It's on YouTube.

Yeah, on my channel.

Go check that out.

What's your channel?

YouTube slash column Tyrrell.

So just search my

L.

And then two L's.

Yeah.

C-O-L-U-M-T-Y-R-R-E-L-L.

Column Tyrrell.

Two R's in there.

Two R's in there.

Yeah, sneaky.

Two one always gets me.

Yeah, it gets

me too.

Yeah.

But yeah, come see me on the road if you can.

I'm traveling now.

I'm finally headlining.

And for the Chinese people who are watching,

when we say two L's in there, oh, how do we describe this?

It's really just a continuation of R's, I guess.

It's just a differently pronounced R.

Yeah, Terrell must be a tough one for those guys.

Terrell.

Tyler.

I love high school humor.

Grade school.

Yeah, Colin's a great comic.

He's on the road with me now.

And I don't know.

Fucking,

what's the name of the special?

It's just 30 Minutes with Column Terrell, Gas Digital Present or something like that.

Follow him on Instagram and everything and tell him that you appreciated how we ran this fucking podcast.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah, let's do it again.

Yeah,

all right, guys.

I don't know how to say goodbye in Chinese, Mandarin.

Just guessing.

Sayonara?

God damn it.

All right.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

All right.

Bye.

Thank you.

Thanks, guys.

Well, that's the podcast, everybody.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Yeah,

that was my first great trip abroad, not counting against Israel when I was something.

But man, it was a fun time.

Oh, God, you look like shit.

What are you talking about over here?

How fucking great great I was at the Tom Brady roast?

What are you?

What do you, what do you, what are you, what do you, what do you,

nice shirt, what are you, dirt Kreisher?

Not bad.

Not bad.

Hi, everybody.

Hey guys, it's the world.

It's Tony Hinchcliffe.

God bless America.

Make sure you go by the replay of the live streams from Los Angeles Forum and the YouTube Theater.

Kill Tony Live, the new number one live podcast and number two audio podcast in the world.

And there might be a cameo from somebody who we love.

Well, buddy, you're about to jump to number,

still number two, but yeah, higher up at number two.

It's good to be friends with number one, though.

Yeah, it is.

Thank you, Joe.

How was that?

Great.

All right.

Thanks, buddy.

Guys, that's the episode.

Yeah, I watched Tony's the replay of the forum show.

There might be a cameo, like you said.

That's the episode, everybody.

China.

God damn.

What a fun time.

Did I not talk enough about the bathrooms?

That's what I was most

hit me the most.

Those fucking bathrooms that I was just not prepared for.

I did a bit about it, and this is not happening.

They don't prepare, they just tell you to carry around toilet paper, but they don't really tell you why until

you need it.

There's no, ah, shit, I should have done this in the episode.

I'll mention it somewhere else, I guess.

Well, I mean, here's what: when I got there, there was just some bartender at the show I was doing, the Hong Kong comedy, or uh, um, Kung Fu comedy in Shanghai.

He goes, Hey, you're new here.

He gave me a travel pack of tissue paper, and he goes, You'll need this.

And I go, Why?

Why do I need it?

He goes, You'll know.

And then, and then I just carried it around.

I thought I was to wipe my hands for food.

No, it was when you're fucking faced with a shit squat toilet, a complete shit squat toilet, and

there's no toilet paper

the locals know

you got to be ready the foreigners don't they should do it at customs when you get in there do you have any drugs no here's your thing of toilet paper when will I need this you'll know and I did know I think it might have been at Tiananmen Square Bathroom No, it wasn't there.

It was somewhere else, but it was disgusting.

That's the episode.

Please subscribe.

Don't forget to pre-order my juvenile.

Let's start with the Patreon.

Travel plogs is going to be the main thing I do where I take a picture, uh, just like the ones you see here, and I fucking go over them, uh, tell you how I got there, and tell you just a weird story about you know, shit like that.

Um, yeah, I'm excited about it.

That's it, everybody.

Subscribe, uh, you'll be tripping pod on Instagram, uh, wherever you're listening or watching.

Hit the subscribe button.

Let's get those followers up.

And thanks for commenting for the algorithm and stuff like that.

This guy keeps going up and down, looking at me, make me very self-conscious, and I hate it.

He's wearing short shorts.

I believe he's from Germany.

He's wearing tight jeans short shorts, and he's got a backpack.

It's a German look.

I wish I could show it to you guys.

Shushar for listening.

Bye, everybody.

Oh, today's episode is produced by your mom's house network.

I almost forgot.

Yeah.

Edited by a man named Alan.

He has no last name.

And that's it.

These people are also looking at me too.

It's very annoying.

Yeah,

nothing else to say.

Okay, goodbye.