Amsterdam w/ Kevin "KFC" Clancy | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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Where you been and where you going?

This is our race travel show.

Yeah, we're gonna talk about travel today.

It's you be trippin' yeah

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to Ubi Trippin', the world's only podcast.

Okay, so today

we have KFC from KFC Sports founded.

I'm not even gonna make the KFC joke.

It's been done too many times.

It's a travel podcast, and I've had a lot of like really world-class traveler comics on.

But what I do want, which I'm interested in this one, is that I tried to get you on before, and you're like, I haven't been fucking anywhere.

Anyway,

I went on a honeymoon to Italy and Greece.

Great.

Okay.

I

have gone

when I was in like sixth grade, my uncle lived in London for a while.

So we did like a pretty extended trip there.

It was like several weeks.

But I was like 12.

So you can't wait.

And then other than that, it's just bouncing around like in America, LA, Miami, like other than the Bahamas, shit like that.

I am one of the least traveled people you'll ever meet.

But I like that because it's like the listeners are both like world-class like hostile people who can stay gone for two years and also people are like i don't know i've always wanted to go somewhere dude when i uh i i have a map that i used to put up when we were like blogging when before podcasting and video and it was just written blog i had this go-to map that i would always put up and i would x out every country every time there was a new story like you know man eaten by a lion in blah i'm not going and i would x out and by the by the within like two years i had the whole world fucking x'd out

i would just love to see a push pin,

whatever.

When I go to a studio, I'll have like a push-pin thing and just no pins.

None.

None.

Just a very won't go.

Zero.

Yeah, not the biggest traveler, but finally got something in my passport.

Nice.

So why?

Okay, so let's, where are we going today?

What's the story?

We went to Amsterdam.

Okay.

On a whim.

Fucking sweet.

Yeah.

On a whim.

Why'd you go?

Tell me why you went.

So about nine months ago, we have Burt Kreischer on the show.

I think it's Brad Kreiser, but go ahead.

Actually, even better, the better description we heard when we were crossing through customs.

They said, what are you here for?

We said, Burt Kreischer.

He didn't really know it.

We start to explain two bears, one cave.

And he goes, oh, oh, Zee Fatwan.

So, yeah.

So we're there for Bert.

First of all,

I mean,

it's just a double one because Tom is now not the fat one anymore.

He's lost so much weight.

So that statement will hurt and compliment at the same time, time.

Which will make Tom laugh even more.

What a great thing.

Even Bert, Bert's lost so much weight.

When we look back at the clip nine months ago versus now, he's in better shape.

But it's like the Jonah Hill effect.

Once you're a fat guy, you're a fat guy.

You're a fat guy.

He could look like you tomorrow and we'd call him fat.

Bert has this secret that no one knows about, which he'll gain massive amounts of weight and then talk about how much he's losing.

But he's not.

And then off camera, he gains it up and then he goes, hey, you guys, I'm going to lose weight.

And then everyone gets behind his fucking.

But then it's like, wait, how are you still 285?

And it's like, oh, it's a cushion strike.

It's sleight of hand, but with your fatness.

Yeah.

But nine months ago, he's on the podcast.

We're talking.

I think it started with Chappelle, where we were like, how crazy was it when Chappelle was able to just say, fuck it, I'm gone?

You know, how many people can just.

I would love to get Dave Chappelle on this podcast on talking about that.

Imagine that.

Dressing about the African drink.

What food you eat.

I'm not concerned at all about that.

We're just

watching what you were doing.

But so in that conversation, he was like, I'd love to just like pick up, go to Paris for the night.

We're eating dinner in Paris and then we're coming home.

And then the conversation kind of develops and he's like, we're going to do this.

And he said, within a year, I'm going to hit you guys one day.

You have 24 hours to get on the plane and come.

I love it.

And he was like, you don't know.

I'm not going to tell you where.

I'm not going to tell you what.

I'm going to say, he told us, get your passports ready.

And then he said,

because you can't do that late.

And he said, dude, I hate Burke Rischer, but I I love Burke.

And honestly, I don't really hate Burke Kreiser.

You should have Brittany.

But that is great.

This could, what we just did, I think, could be its own travel show.

Like a real travel show, not a travel channel.

Not what he used to do.

The real one where it's like, this is what happens when you really fucking travel.

No, I would do that with Bert.

With like, let's just go somewhere.

And then

we'll do this podcast about some other place, but we'll do it like, you know, in front of Machu Picchu, you know, and then talk about Amsterdam.

So he

just.

When we were talking on the podcast, he was like, what about Portugal?

And so that was kind of on my mind.

And then he was like, no, no, no, we're going to go somewhere crazy.

So I was like, this motherfucker is going to take us to like the Sahara desert or something like that.

And I'm going to go from, you know, never traveling to like the weirdest place in the world.

You look at Bern Easy.

He told us that

originally it was going to be Morocco.

Oh, God, dream place.

I know.

I think I would have had a good time there, but last minute something came up and that didn't work.

And then

he was like, and I looked at his schedule.

He was in Amsterdam for like a few days, knew he was going to have a couple off days.

And so this is, you know, last Monday, whatever the day was, I just get a text from him Monday morning, like 11 a.m., clock starts now.

And he put out a video saying, Monday, clock starts now.

You have 24 hours.

Yeah, it was a little more than that because it was like.

You got your tickets?

Yes.

So it was 7.45 p.m.

the next night.

So a little more than 24 hours.

But he was the night before.

So he's like, start pack.

Do your laundry, start now.

That was the other thing, too.

Originally, he was the idea.

You got to get laundry.

Somebody's Somebody's like, don't have any underwear.

The original idea was just the clothes on your back.

I love it.

It ended up being a couple more days.

So

that could work because, really, like, you can just get underwear.

Absolutely.

And you can get a pair of pants.

You can get awareness.

I'm going to wear the same jeans.

Give me a hoodie.

As long as I can change my underwear, I'm good to go.

Everybody, I'll ask for travel tips at the end of this, and you can give me one, but a lot of people like pack light.

That's a number one underrated tip.

And the deal is like, what if I need, like, what if it's colder than I think?

Like, then get a fucking jacket.

There, you'll have a memory attached to it.

Sure.

Yeah, go ahead.

So we get the text.

Now, like, it's me and Feidelberg, my podcast co-host, John Feidelberg.

He is 30, I don't know, three,

single, no kids, lives alone.

He can do it.

He can go, right?

For me,

this actually kind of weighed over my head for a while because I was like, it's going to be awesome and I have to do it, but I got two kids.

I've got an ex-wife.

I've got responsibilities.

It's going to, I was like, I know this is going to come on a day where my kids are with me or

a special event or something.

This is the number one reason, this attitude of why I'm happy to not have kids.

The ability to get up and move.

Go.

Me and Renazisi were doing something's burning at Bert's old place at his old house.

And he was like, we're talking about just freedom.

Yep.

And he goes, Ari's more freed.

And Bert's like, I'm as free as you.

I just started laughing.

He's like, what do you mean?

Yeah, Renazisi's like, Ari can just flip the table over and be on a plane in six hours and be gone.

Even more than that, it's the freedom to do nothing.

To do exactly.

That's what people like.

Yeah, listen, I'm the perfect example of like when you're single and young, you can just pick up and fly to Australia, but I never did.

Right.

I never did it, right?

But what I did do is constantly just do nothing for hours at a time.

That's so great.

But if I wanted to be hungover all day,

if I wanted to wake up at four o'clock, if I wanted to watch TV, you know, I could do it all or not do it all.

And then you have kids, and that shit goes right out the fucking window.

And it's also a classic case of don't know which guy till it's gone or Gretz always greener.

All of a sudden, I wanted to be like, I wish I I could just, I wish I could just get a backpack and go.

Even though it's like, no, I don't, but it's just because I can't anymore.

I can't.

I'm still, I'm now at the plate with a dog.

It's like, it's still a little too hard to do that.

I've given up that level of freedom where I really, and I have bookings on the road now.

It was easier when I was three bookings a year.

When they say, um, a lot of people say having a dog is like having a kid, and they're so incredibly wrong, it's not even close.

No, you're right.

It's exactly like having a kid, and in fact, harder.

It's, it's, well, here's the the thing: but more rewarding.

If you leave your dog alone

for a couple days,

it'll be okay.

It'll be okay.

This is why having a dog is better.

This is why having a dog is better, for sure.

It's not harder.

You leave your kid alone for a couple days, it dies.

Well, it's harder to, okay, but it's harder to leave your dog alone for a couple days because they're so awesome.

Yes, I would love to leave my kids alone for weeks at a time.

Goodbye.

I don't want to talk to you.

Okay, okay, let's get back, though.

So, yeah, so Burke calls us now.

Go.

Yeah.

God, I love this story.

The only thing he said.

I did not know this.

Yeah, it's awesome.

It's really like a a once-in-a-lifetime.

As soon as we're done with this, he said, you have 24 hours.

The only thing he told us was

you need red clothes.

Really?

Or he said, bring something red.

Now, we don't know what that's about.

We're thinking

one of the guys we work with told us about something about he went to a red dinner in Amsterdam, and it was like one of these eyes wide shut, like sex parties.

I'm thinking, like, red,

it's

like, I didn't know red light district.

I'm like, are we going to be like on stage in the district?

I didn't know what we were up against.

So me and Feidelberg said, if we're going to do this trip, let's do it fucking big.

We go down into this place called Abracadabra.

Wait, wait, wait.

What is that?

It's like a half costume store, half

movie props and shit.

And so we went in and we were like, we need red suits and red clothes.

So I ended up getting a red blazer and pants.

Why?

Feidelberg gets a red onesie, bell bottoms,

button-up, collared, long-sleeve.

It was like this wide red disco.

It was awesome.

I love it.

Dude, he looked like a fucking rock star.

You got a picture of him?

Yeah.

That's so cool.

It was one of the coolest fucking.

And he's like a pretty fashionable dude.

Feidelberg?

Yeah.

No fuckers.

So, like, ripping a sig.

That's awesome.

Frippin' a sig in these red bell bottoms.

You look fat in yours.

Yeah, well, I don't picture.

I don't autograph.

Photograph well.

You're not as fat as this picture.

Yeah, I do not photograph well.

Wow.

Yeah.

Dude, he looks fucking.

I'm happy you said that.

You looked at me and you were like, no, okay.

I want to make sure.

Yeah.

No, I'll either go vicious or ironic.

You do not.

If I'm talking to left fur, it's vicious.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, that's not you.

You just look fat.

Yeah, no, I do not photograph or

how much was that outfit?

I don't know what his was.

Mine was like cheap as shit.

It was like, I don't know, fucking like $100 or whatever.

Wow.

But

it turns out all, all Burt wanted to do was celebrate Chinese New Year, which is you have to wear red.

So he's wearing a red hoodie and red sweatpants.

And we're wearing a suit and fucking bell bottoms.

But it was actually, I actually liked it better because it was like, it made it special.

Heads were turning.

People were like, what the fuck are these guys?

Dude, underrated is to go all out on a fucking outfit.

All out.

It's underrated.

You'll never really regret it.

People were like, damn, that looks good.

If you're traveling

people, compliment compliment you.

They do it all the time, but they also do it all the time.

They have the style and they are always doing it and they always are cool.

Who?

Black people.

Black people.

Right, right.

And we just wear like, you know, the same like hoodie and jeans every fucking day.

I've been doing this for eight days.

Every time.

And I think if you do it for when you're traveling, like make it special.

But honestly, also, like, you go out for like a regular night.

Fucking throw on a stupid hat.

Throw on a fucking crazy jacket.

Whatever.

It will make it that much more memorable.

Okay, let's get back to Amsterdam.

So.

Hi, guys.

I'm interrupting here for a second to tell you that I'm a stand-up comedian.

I'll be performing in the following places.

All tickets are available at arieshifir.com.

I'll be in Los Angeles doing my storytelling show, May 9th and 10th at the Comedy Tour.

May 10th is sold out.

May 9th is still going on.

And then I'm going to Australia.

Everybody, starting with Melbourne, May 16th and 17th.

May 17th is.

No, May 18th is already sold out.

May 17th was added.

Adelaide, May 24th.

Canberra, May 25th.

Brisbane, May 31st.

And Sydney, June 1st.

And that's it.

Get tickets at arieshafir.com.

Also,

my

guest, KFC, has his own, Kevin Clancy, has his own podcast called KFC Radio.

He does every week, maybe more.

Get it wherever you listen to podcasts.

That's it, everybody.

Let's get back to the episode.

Don't forget to hit subscribe wherever you're watching or listening today.

I'm Ari Shafir, and I do stand-up comedy.

We end up, so we go, we hit a 7:45 p.m.

flight overnight.

We land at 9 a.m.

local time.

Perfect.

Perfect.

They, I was like, I don't know, maybe they're going to be sleeping, working out, getting ready for lunch.

I didn't expect Bert to be up at 9 a.m.

Bro, we were at the bar by 10.15.

I literally, my room.

I thought you were going to say we're at the fucking Van Gogh Museum.

Nope.

My room wasn't even ready.

I had to leave my bag with the concierge.

We were at the bar, joint in hand, beer in hand by like 10.15.

Bert got you just like, here, here, let's go.

For whatever reason, there's like seven of us, us eight of us we had three different joints going it was like so unnecessary yeah um and i mean back in my day i i partied i drank i we did it all yeah i've been i've i hung him up and i i pretty much retired for a while now yeah so i'm going to i'm going to amsterdam with and feidelbergs a booze bag and i'm going with the machine yeah and i'm the whole time i was like i'm like a little bit nervous about literally norman opened for him three years ago in europe and he goes hey how do i keep up with him right I had to tell him, like, sit near a plant that you can throw half glasses of drink into.

Yep.

Yep.

And then just realize you will not keep up with them.

So don't try.

So I actually was able, there was two reasons I was able to do it.

Number one, I think I underestimate my underage drinking days.

Westchester, New York, early 2000s, I think was a drinking.

culture that is unlike anywhere else in the fucking world.

I was like 15 years old and short spurts.

You don't have to go long term on this.

It's a short short spurt.

And I just needed to dig deep one more time and fucking throw the fastball awesome.

Do you remember that?

I think it was a Damn Yankees, some play where the guy makes a deal or a book or whatever, makes a deal with the devil to be a great baseball player.

And the deal gets revoked as he's rounding third in the World Series and then suddenly turns into a fat whatever.

And it's just him.

But him,

but he's legging it out because he would have been saved by a mile.

But I was like,

short spurt.

That's exactly.

And so there was two things.

One, One, it was just smoking weed and drinking beers.

Yeah.

When the shots start flowing is when I get in trouble.

Yep.

And there wasn't that.

Two, Amsterdam, and I don't know if this is common in other places, but they offer small, medium, large beers almost everywhere.

So I was able to go like round for round and just get medium beers, which was a pint, by the way.

It was like a regular beer versus a fucking like bucket of it.

With a handle.

Yeah.

And so I was like, this is great for me.

And then I would just like smoke a little weed.

But I mean, we were, we went non-stop.

It went from like coffee shop to Chinese food restaurant to another coffee shop to Red Light District.

Woke up in the morning, did it again, went to Burt's show,

went back home.

You opened her show?

No, no, we just went to Hank.

He had all, he had Maddie Smith was there, Shane Torres was there, Mark Smalls were there.

They were, they were, you know, doing the show.

We were just like along for the ride.

Wait, let's describe the Red Light District.

So

we stayed in a hotel that was fucking beautiful.

Burt put us up in a great spot and it was like i i don't know any of the streets or the areas but it was you walk out and you go this way and you are in like beautiful museums and restaurants and then one block this way was the red light district that's unbelievable to me that it's just like they kind of keep it separate yeah and it all stays pretty like

in its own little area you know you know what's cool about europe is that they're not embarrassed by their little areas of stuff.

It's like fucked up shit.

It's just part of their city.

And I think they very much, they take open container and public urination, all that shit very seriously.

So they're like, we're going to let you do all this shit, but don't fuck it up.

Don't make it a mess.

Don't tramp.

It's just an adult about it.

Right.

Fuck your hookers and keep it clean.

You know, like, let's be adults about it.

Christiania and Denmark is the same way.

They're like,

school field trips to where they sell weed legally.

You know, it's like, oh, it's just like, this is part of our city.

Right.

Let's just be the red light district back then, you know, 32nd or whatever.

It was like, stay the fuck away.

It's quite dangerous, fucking violent.

Yeah.

This is just like, here's where you do your dirt.

I had never, you know, again, not a traveler, so I had never done any of that sort of shit.

Describe it.

So

I don't think I quite understood the idea of walking down like a little alleyway, and there are just chicks in phone booths.

That's fucking wild.

It's like the zoo.

They are just standing.

It's like a Barbie in a fucking box.

And you can just be like, you, I'll pay and fuck you and that is and then where do you crazy to me so i actually how many did you fuck that no we we did

we did

we did like the i'll make sure your wife doesn't see this i like the interactive shit like we did like the uh like a fucking

a bunch of guys sit down we went to the banana bar which is uh known for this banana trick that these girls do so we sat down i think we paid 400 bucks and you get like an hour's worth of uh several girls It's almost like a three-act or four-act like play.

So the first one comes, and

she's like, you can rub my tits.

I find this to be very weird.

The whole table's sitting there.

So it's more of like a bachelor party thing.

Truths in general are weird.

There's too many dudes around.

I think it's very strange.

She was gross, by the way.

Fucking disgusting.

Huge, fat, sloppy tits, weird scars.

God bless her.

She's trying to make a living, but I was like, I wouldn't even look your way, let alone do I want to do this.

She gets out some lotion and she's like, go ahead, rub my tits.

Now, I'm like, I'm going to do whatever for the show here.

Dude, they need rubbing.

But I'm like, you know, it was very embarrassing.

Feitelberg, she was like, like, you're doing it wrong.

She's like, stop it.

He went under the tit.

And she wanted more.

I couldn't believe this, Ari.

I almost passed out.

She pulled this reference out.

The year of our Lord 2023 in Amsterdam.

She said, have you ever seen Karate Kid?

She wanted wax on, wax off.

I couldn't believe it.

This is a the banana bar this is at a strip club it's like a it's more of like a club like a lounge gentleman's club but there's stripping like it's not like there's a pole and a stage it's more like the we were at like a little horseshoe-shaped bar okay they get up on the bar so she wants everyone to rub her tits and it kind of goes around the table and then comes back around

uh when you can rub her ass

And all of them, every single girl in the club, butt plug in at all times.

Walking around, bending over hanging out talking plugged up the whole time why i i'm i'm assuming to use it later and be what were they concerned with i think it's just to keep you know keep the space keep it ready but so there's some tit rubbing and then the second part was um like another girl comes and they oh no the second part was she said give me a name i'm gonna write a postcard And she takes out a marker, puts it in her pussy, and she says, give me a name.

So we said, uh our co-worker of ours glenny balls and i thought she was gonna write glenny balls on a postcard with her pussy she starts to work at it and i'm looking at her face she's like what do you mean like leaned over so she put a brick on the fucking bar and then put a postcard on top of the brick and then kind of did this like one knee thing like this puts the marker in And then I'm watching her.

Her face is kind of like, like, you know, when you're doing a math problem and you're like,

really working on it?

And she's moving around.

She's moving like one of those 3D printers.

Like, up, down, up, left, right, back, forth, back, forth.

And when she was done, you ever see those Instagram videos where someone paints and then they flip it upside down and it's like an elephant?

It was like that.

She like spins it around.

And again, I thought I was just going to say like Glenny.

Yeah.

It was like, dear Glenny Balls, welcome to Africa, Love Pussy.

And it was written like in calligraphy with hearts and all this shit.

shit.

I was like,

I'm not turned on.

I think you're girls.

It's impressive.

But this is impressive.

But you know what I'm doing in Thailand?

The writing and Papong.

What's that?

And Papong Street, I guess.

It's just like this section.

They go like this.

They fucking put a marker in their pussy and they just kind of move around and they write something.

Not that nice, though.

I think Burt actually still has it.

I want to get a picture of it.

It was like

beautiful penmanship.

It was fucking unbelievable.

Wow.

So that's round round two.

Round three is finally the banana bar.

This is where the namesake comes from.

Two chicks start like kind of making it out.

She takes a banana out,

puts a condom on the banana, like

a good hooker does, with her mouth.

I mean, you don't want to go to hook.

So she puts it in

and then they peel the banana and they ask guys to eat the banana.

No.

And I'll tell you my biggest problem.

I was like, I don't like banana.

I was like, I just don't want to eat.

I hate banana.

That's your biggest problem.

I hate banana more than that.

I hate the banana more than what the banana is inside of.

So that's the.

What did they make you eat it?

Yeah.

I mean, of course, I'm not going to be like,

wait, wait, wait, wait.

They peel it.

Excuse me.

So, the banana is

and then the part that's sticking out gets peeled.

So you're just kind of biting it, you know.

Imagine if I was.

But you're getting right near their pussy.

That's all.

You're not like getting inside of it or anything.

It's not like you eat anything that's been inside of her.

It's technically right.

It's a technology that has not been inside of her.

It still feels pretty gross.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

So then they say, who's getting

Midlight District be

a turn on instead of a disgusting?

So this is more of a shock value thing.

Okay.

And at this point, like my comedy.

I'll be honest,

I'd rather do something like shock value than

sexual.

Like you got to be pretty fucking desperate and like not get much sexual attention to be like, I want to rub your tits.

Like, yeah, you know, so this is more of like,

it's more of like, this is wild, right?

So she says, who's getting spanked?

Now, remember this, Burt Grescher had been there the night before.

He walks into the banana bar.

The people go, oh, you are back.

How are you?

Now, this is a place that you probably go once your whole life.

Burt goes there twice in two nights.

He got, I think he had gotten like the treatment spanked the night before.

She says, who wants it?

He points right at Feidelberg.

Man, she beat the fuck out of this dude.

Laid him stomach down, pants down, took his belt out, and it was not like a little like,

she went over her head.

What?

One.

Whack.

Two.

It was straight at her roots, man.

It was like kunta kinte shit.

And then, and I'm thinking it can't get any worse.

She's slapping him in the face.

She's beating him, man.

And he's just laughing, but I can tell he's also like, all right, another one and I'm swinging back, you know?

All of a sudden, she grabs her stiletto, takes off her high heel, and puts her stiletto right in his ass.

No, in his butthole.

In his butt.

The hole?

In the hole.

Not like six inches in, but he was like, it was in there.

Rolls him over and sticks it in his mouth.

He then gets off the table and he says to me, was that in my he goes, was that in my ass?

And I go, I don't know.

You fucking tell me, man.

And he goes, no, no, no, the one that he, that she put in my mouth, that was like a different one, right?

And I was like, you're like, no, no, no.

I can't be sure if it was in your ass or not.

But

if anything was in your ass, it was the one that was also in your mouth.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Oh my God.

So that, that was, he got the treatment there.

They also do this thing where

guys were holding a vibrator in their mouth, like with their teeth.

And then they would like bounce on them, which is also like, I can't hold a, like, I'm going to break a tooth doing that.

And then they, a lot of, if you do any of that shit they also just drop it like on your face it's just like hooker pussy too close to your face disgusting man I mean almost regular pussy that's too close

your average girl off the street it's like no thanks although you know

it's kind of one of those things they're actually like the cleanest people you know right because they know they're about to present it and they have to like I mean at least I don't know about you know when you when it's like porn these girls are tested regularly and that's what they say about tijuana whorehouses they're like oh they want if they any of them get herpes it's going to kill business.

They just get them out of there immediately.

Yeah, they don't care about them, they care about the business.

So I'd imagine, but also, I could also see in the Red Light District, it's like, yeah, whatever, girl, I don't care.

And then the finale

was this chick, she sat on her back, throws her legs over her head, she blasts away with this vibrator, and then like shoots it.

Like, gives it a good, like, one, two, three, four, five.

And then the sixth one shoots out, and

certain guys were like trying to catch it.

You had to kind of like catch a pun.

It was a trip.

And then they catch it.

Dude, this game where I play in high school, I put my hands behind my back.

I'm like, guess which hand?

And if they're like, right.

I'm like, oh, nothing.

And then I go next, you know, guess what's hand?

And then they guess, you know, whatever, if it was in there, I'd be like, yeah, and I throw them something and they catch it.

It was just my retainer.

And they're like, ah, but you catch it.

Why would you catch a fucking thing?

Because

you throw things at people to catch it.

Yeah.

It was like a badge of honor to catch the dildo.

You drop the dildo, dildo, you got bad hands.

It's like a fumble.

So I mean, I'm rolling watching all this shit.

To me, it's like...

It's fun.

It sounds fun.

It's not sexual.

It's not like anybody's like,

you know, it was like, this is just preposterous.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

And then I guess the other thing you can do is watch people fuck.

They did that the night before, and they weren't that into it, so we didn't get a chance to do that.

My daughter went to that.

Your daughter?

Yeah.

Went to that in Amsterdam, and I was like, I'm not going.

I mean, that.

Jessica Michelle, yeah, she went in there and she was like, I don't know how it was,

it was very clinical.

I think it was also,

I heard like, there's no music playing.

There's no, it's not like the crowd is like yelling.

It was just like they were watching.

Yeah.

And to me, if I'm watching two people fuck, that feels like I'm watching porn.

That means I'm like, I'm going to come.

Yeah, exactly.

This is come or I'm going to heckle.

Yeah,

I'm not going to just sit there quietly and watch.

I'd rather do something where it's like, this is absurd.

We're giving like the bachelor the treatment.

We're being ridiculous with him and laugh about it rather than

the regular strip club was the most aggressive I've ever been in in my life.

It was like man-to-man defense.

Like we walked in with a few guys and she was like, I've got him, you got him.

This was not the banana club.

This is this is the upstairs.

You went to another place.

No, it was like the same place, but like downstairs is where they do the show.

Upstairs is like a traditional dancing spot.

Interesting.

But they are like, we want lap dances in private for $90.

We don't want to to do this bullshit out here.

And the guys, again, we're there to like party, not like, you know.

So we were like, no, you know, in strip club, when you give the old, like, maybe later, I got to get settled just to get them away.

They did not take that for an answer.

They were not about that.

They were either like, you pay us or we're going to get some guys in here who will.

So

we quickly left after that because it's like, Bert had a great moment.

Bert, ever being the like party starter,

and he's trying to make it into a game.

He says,

I want you to

the stripper.

I want you to pick one guy here

that you want to give a lap dance to, and I will pay for it.

And he's holding a wad of cash, and he goes, you pick.

And she goes, you.

To Bert?

To Bert.

The guy with the fucking money who's clearly excited about

smart.

Yeah, they are very smart.

They are very savvy.

They know what they're doing.

Bert was desperate to get somebody to

pay for a lady of the night.

He was like, I'll pay for it.

You go do it.

I just want to hear back.

I want to report.

But everybody kind of kept it above board in that regard.

I don't think, I mean, listen, some of them were

ladies I would just never really look at, not my type.

Some of them who were, all good, but

I

don't really.

You wouldn't have gone for it.

And also, I just don't have sex with a condom.

Oh, yeah, you've been married too long.

No, it does suck it sucks it sucks i mean you remember it it sucks yeah it's just not so your options are fuck a hooker without a condom which is i'm not for sure gonna get you in trouble with your wife i'm not married anymore but i'm just i'm not i'm not i just don't want to have sex with a condom fair fair

i i usually maneuver around that and i'm not you know a hooker is not the type to

that's who you got the one you want to play we had a friend in in in comic starting comedy and he would talk about going to tijuana which is like a way lower level of this yes and he'd be like i just pay him to go down on them.

Like, what?

He goes, yeah, you should.

He goes down on them.

Even they look at me like, dude, you don't want to be.

Are you sure?

Okay, so that.

So that's the

red light district.

There's this other side of the city, though, that is like beautiful architecture.

Yeah.

1630, whatever it was like first founded.

And the canals, like, I never, you know, I think of Venice and it's like this.

Oh, the canals.

Exactly.

The canals were like, I didn't, I never, first of all, this is a region that I'm like, okay, so we're going to Amsterdam and the people there are Dutch.

Are we going to the Netherlands or is this Holland?

Three things.

Or is this Belgium?

Everybody thinks Amsterdam is a country.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's Holland.

Yeah.

I don't know any.

I don't know where we are, what they speak, what, you know.

Why they speak Dutch or German?

No, I guess so, but I'm just saying.

Like, what is the Netherlands kind of like the UK?

Like, it's a bunch of countries?

I don't know.

That's what I mean.

So I didn't know where we were.

I just found out what Netherlands means.

What does it mean?

Lowlands.

Oh, okay.

See, I feel like if I had to guess Nether Regions, i would say that low regions right that makes sense because it's also like that's why that's all underwater they have those things yeah pumping the water out because it's so low under sea level interesting fun fact my buddy almost fell in the canal which would have been amazing oh that would have great imagine my buddy was just floundering in the canal um it's pretty it's very and and and a

an alarming amount of bikes to the point that people said that and i was like listen new york city has some fucking bike lanes that are always zipping it's not even close there are bikes and they are flying every fucking which way.

I've never been uncomfortable crossing the street.

I'm like, we jaywalk, you almost get hit by a bus every day.

This was like, I had to put my phone away and make sure I'm like, okay, where's the bike?

Did you bike at all?

No.

Yeah.

It's in that whole area.

I did it in Copenhagen, and it was like, if you're in the wrong lane, like you pull up, like, you know, when you start on a bike, it's wobbly for the first two pedals, and then you get going.

That wobble.

Like, what the fuck?

What the fuck out of that?

Dude, there was, it was.

It's like the same as if you're driving like this and you start up on a light.

There was,

I guess, like a bike lane, a sidewalk, and a street that were all the size of like one sidewalk.

Like the cars, the people, and the bikes are all supposed to fit there.

I'm like, ah, this doesn't make any fucking sense.

We went to the Anne Frank house.

Down there.

Now, I'm an idiot, I guess.

All my life growing up.

Did you not know it was related to the Holocaust?

No.

How much we know?

That was when

we landed,

the

taxi driver taking us to our hotel was giving us the lay of the land, and then out of nowhere goes, oh, the Holocaust.

The youth, they don't believe it happened anymore.

They're not teaching it in the schools anymore.

I was like, what?

I feel like in Amsterdam, you should know about the Holocaust.

But I guess the kids there

think it's a hoax.

Like birds.

Yeah, birds on the real.

Birds are real.

That's maybe

the best.

But so the Aunt Frank house, all my life growing up, I thought was going to be like a cottage in like the sound of music, like hills.

Interesting.

I did not realize, I never pictured it in like a city.

So I was thinking it was like a suburban house.

Okay.

And then I hear it's in Amsterdam in the city.

So I'm like, okay.

And then I go to it.

I didn't go inside of it.

So to be fair, I didn't get the full experience.

You did not go inside?

No, we actually, the only reason I was going.

You just want to see Anne Frank's doorstep?

I wanted the pancakes.

And I was told that the best pancakes are the next door to the Anne Frank house, which also feels weird.

Hold on.

I said, I love those pancakes.

Yeah, let's talk about the pancakes.

But wait, wait, wait, wait.

Because my favorite grilled cheese of all time is, I'm opening up Google Maps so I can see exactly what this is.

Is right under the Anne Francouse.

Is it in like the coffee house basically?

So tell me if I'm wrong, it's been a few years.

Canal's right here.

I have a picture of it on my phone.

I took a picture.

Okay, canal's right here.

Right?

This is Canal.

Yep.

Anne Francos, but the entrance of the Anne Francouse is like, oh shit, is like up some, like right there.

And then the coffee shop is like right where this pin is and it's down a few steps.

As I understood it, it was like there was a coffee shop.

Is it Pancakes Amsterdam?

West?

Yes.

That's where I was trying to go.

I didn't end up going because it was closed, but they told me to go to Pancakes Amsterdam, which is right literally right next to it.

The grilled cheese, too, right next to it.

This the glass right here is a coffee shop.

So like you got to go.

No, no, no.

You found that.

I mean, the front.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But this right here, this looks like a new apartment complex in Jersey City.

Yeah, it does look nice.

Could not believe.

It does look nice.

I was like, Ann Frank.

I was like, Anne Frank's got a fucking balcony.

Ann Frank would, her apartment would cost like $4,300 a month if it was in New York City.

Yes, that, dude, I had a bit about that in my special.

I couldn't believe it.

She lives so nice.

She lives so nice that if it was like, if it was like, where's already here?

Yeah, it's like you live right on the water.

Beautiful.

Dude, you should go in there.

So much more room than I've ever had.

Anybody who's ever lived in in New York has lived more rough than fucking Aunt Frank.

Give me a break.

Yeah.

I could not believe, though.

Also, the noise complaints would be an issue, but that's not probably.

The glass coffee store front underneath it is not considered disrespectful.

You know what?

You're absolutely right.

They should have made that more somber.

Yes.

You should have left it as is, kind of run down.

Keep it up so it doesn't fall, but keep the rundown vibrant so you feel like this is what I'm doing.

I expected to have some like gravitas, like a moment where I was was like, wow, it is the most sanitary.

And what was crazy was when

I said, I really love these pancakes.

I want the best one.

And they go, it's right next to the Ann Frank house.

It would be like if I said, where's the best burger in the city?

And they were like, hit the 9-11 Memorial and then get the best burger you got in town.

It's fucking crazy.

Anywhere else that would be like, this is so disrespectful.

And in the Anne Frank house, it's like, get your pancakes here.

It's crazy.

I will be back in May and I'm going to make sure I know which is the right

grilled cheese.

My brother told me, he lives in Europe, and he goes, somebody went there and he said it was a terrible grilled cheese sandwich.

I'm hoping it didn't suffer from COVID.

Maybe they just wanted to be a little bit more expensive.

What was so special about it?

It was like five different cheeses.

It was made with care.

Butter on the bread.

It took like 25 minutes.

They really went after it.

And you're like, this is an amazing.

I'm going to have grilled cheese for dinner tonight.

You should.

Because also, you can do it yourself.

Yes.

You can do it yourself amazing.

You know what I heard recently?

People do mayonnaise on the bread instead of the butter.

You ever do that?

No, but those people should kill themselves.

Right?

Yeah.

Butter.

Bread, butter, cheese.

Give me a fucking break.

I could not believe how much the Ann Frank House disappointed.

How?

This place sucks.

Give me a fucking break, Ann.

How were the pancakes?

Have you had Jeff's stroop waffles?

What are those?

It's like flat.

It's got a little caramel on the inside.

It looks like

a flat pancake, like that.

We had the little like silver dollar pancakes.

Separate from the pancakes.

It's stroopels.

Okay.

This.

They come with like tea or coffee.

Because they had like the big like crepe pancakes.

Yeah.

But then they have the little ones.

I saw a picture of more like

sharing, bro.

What?

I

it was people said eat the eat the french fries and eat the pancakes.

What?

Like they don't have french fries here?

That's right.

They would have to do it demonstratively better.

Not just, oh, this is where it came from.

Who gives a shit?

It's like going to the first Starbucks in Seattle.

I agree.

Go to the 18th one and get the same cup of coffee.

I agree.

But the fries were good and the pancakes were fucking amazing.

So I was kind of like, you know what?

Corrective.

They even said the mayonnaise.

They were like, you got to dip the fries in the mayonnaise.

And I was like, I've had fries and mayonnaise.

And it did, they were crispier and they were better.

And the mayonnaise did taste like

it.

Yeah, it puts the case.

It's not a problem.

I will tell you, it's going to upset you the more you travel.

I think it's the FDA.

I'm not sure.

But the level of what they allow us to serve ourselves here, it's so much lower than almost every other country.

The eggs are all GMO'd.

They're all yellow instead of orange.

Everything's just worse.

So when you eat junk food in Edinburgh, you will lose weight compared to what you eat here.

Maybe I got to leave here.

Maybe that's the key.

Yeah.

Those pancakes.

Who did you get pancakes with?

My producer, Nick.

Okay.

And he...

Nick the Dick?

Yeah, Nick the Dick.

I got an order of 12 of them.

Yeah.

I'm not kidding.

I could have put down like 175 of them.

Nutella.

Those are the ones covered in Nutella.

Oh, and the whipped cream with some strawberries.

You can get them with apple.

You can get them with

it was like they're puffy, like air puffy, but also.

How big were they?

What did we do?

These are like tiny.

Tiny ones.

And I got a lot of them.

12 of them.

But I could have had like four orders of that.

I was just shoveling them in my mouth.

You could have four orders, not because that's the right amount.

It's because you've never gotten them before.

They were good.

And I, yes, and I just got an extra stomach for those things.

I could put them on.

It's fun when you're traveling, you're like, oh, I'm not going to be back here.

Let's piggyback it.

Get it all in.

I will say that I didn't have a good meal.

We went to a Chinese food place.

That was fine.

But I didn't get like, and I don't even know, like some sort of strudel maybe or fucking cheese.

I don't think I would be impressed with the pancakes.

It's not other cuisine, i don't think you know what it is i think it's white people what do you mean like i think italian food's great i think like spanish food has some flair to it but if you're talking those are brown whites yeah that there's some ethnicness to that schultz had a good joke about like you need suffering for good food if it's nice or no what is it how you mistreat your women is how good the food is like no one's ever like let's get some canadian food it's like they're 100 equal in that country or you're saying

well women are equal so it's like so it's like who likes canadian food the the i ireland blows that up.

The Irish blows that up.

Good point.

Terrible food, and they treat their women terrible.

Yeah, you're right.

Sorry, Schultz.

I do think, though,

you think about the UK

and these parts of Europe, I don't think anybody's like, you got to have

Belgian food.

You got to have the

English food.

It's like, if you're in the UK, it's like, try a good Thai place.

Right.

And that's, yeah.

UK finally figured out our food sucks.

Let's be the number one in

everyone else.

Like America.

Absolutely.

But I feel like if you go go to Italy, you want the Italian food.

Spanish food, the tapas.

It's almost more anywhere that's like

near water and like tropical and shit, right?

I feel like if you're like landlocked in Europe, I guess France might have good food.

France is known for it, but also beaches on both sides.

Fucking butter on everything.

That's it.

No, that's not it.

They care about it.

But also I was coming back from a like a like

S Cargo and like duck at like 1130 at night in France and Paris.

And I'm walking home and I looked into some window.

You know, you can look in windows like like New York when they're ground floor.

Yeah.

And there's some guy eating on the floor with this plate on this bed.

And I'm like, it's not fine dining everywhere.

It's crazy.

Caviar for the first time.

And I don't think that has anything to do with Amsterdam.

I just had never had it.

And Feidelberg was ordering it and I had it.

Yeah.

I don't get the hype.

It's about, I think caviar is about scarcity.

Yeah.

It's like it didn't have much like flavor to me.

No, like it was salt on it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like this is just any other spread you can put on a cracker.

Yeah.

I'm going to try Bert and ask him.

Should we try him real quick?

Yeah, sure.

Ask him how he felt about you guys.

I was like happy that he seemed because I was like, this dude parties with a lot of people.

Maybe we're going to like disappoint.

It's crazy.

He was like, this is one of the funny things.

I would not have expected him to call you.

I thought he was like, he said it and he planned to do it.

And then he was like, I forgot about it.

But he followed through.

Because I really was like, I was like, is it going to happen?

And then like six months go by and I was like, he's busy.

He's not going to do it.

That's the best thing.

What do you forgot?

Oh, I totally, it totally blindsided me.

It was amazing.

Wow.

I was like, I'm going.

I'm doing it.

Leave a message.

At the tone.

This is the fats one.

He told me he was like, it was one of the funniest, the two funniest moments, one of the two of the funniest moments he ever had in his life was me watching Feidelberg with me and then watching me with Feidelberg.

Like having both of us

at that strip club to laugh at while all the crazy shit was going on.

I think he just appreciated how much we were like.

You're getting into it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, when I asked him, I asked, because we did Norman's bachelor party in Tampa, which is a Burt Central place.

Oh, yeah.

And

it was like, who should we invite?

And I'm like, invite Bert.

And they're like, he's too busy.

I'm like, I know he's too busy.

He will be happy having been invited.

Oh, yeah.

And then we're like,

I'm coming, and I'm going to change the fucking vibe.

I was going to say.

He goes, you're telling bachelor party at Tampa?

He goes, I'll cancel big gigs for this.

You know, throw his fan down there with

matching top and bottoms.

This one.

Matching top bottoms that we all went to a strip club with.

No.

No B, with no underwear sweet.

We covered our fucking pants.

That was.

Like gentlemen.

He changed out of his sweatpants before the strip club like a gentleman.

Okay.

We were not allowed in the casino because he was wearing sweatpants.

And I kept telling, I was like, you know, he's the rich one.

I'd love to let this guy out.

As rich as he is,

he still is trash.

Still wearing sweatpants?

I love that.

At least Tom tries to buy nice clothes.

He tries to pretend like he's not trash, at least.

Had you done Amsterdam?

Yeah, a bunch of times.

I'll be back in May.

You seem to be pretty floored by the shit I was telling you.

Had you not done any of that shit?

I took a walk.

You just fucked up.

I took a walk down.

I did not fuck any of the hookers.

I took a walk down the red light district, going through the alleys and then seeing it slowly change from the quote-unquote normal ones to the darker and darker, the more outskirt alleys until you get like trans and then like not trying trans, which is just like a dude.

This guy just has a dick with a wig on.

It's a hairy-chested big dude with a bikini.

I don't think we must have not gone that deep in because the you can explore a lot.

We went through like two alleys, and they were all did you feel at all when they like knocking and say, Come on in?

No, it was very actually a lot of them were on their phone.

They were like on their phones now.

They were like looking like, Yeah, you in or you out?

What the fuck's the deal?

And there was a couple that were like giving you the eyes, and there were a couple that I was like, oh my god.

Do you have a picture of you in front of them?

No, I should have.

I feel like they,

the one thing I read was like, don't do that.

And I was like, yeah, I'm not going to

say something like pimp, like, punch me in the face.

In general, pictures of with you in a scene instead of you and your friends, whoever they're in a scene.

So if it's in front of the canals, don't just get a picture of the canal.

Like, hey, Feidelberg, come in here, take a picture of us.

Yes, yes, yes.

Just time stamp it,

but not in the strips.

But not in front of pictures.

The zoo.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

What would you want to go back and do now?

In Amsterdam.

Yeah, specifically.

What would you like to do?

I definitely say, if somebody's going, hey, I'm going, going, I've never been, you just went.

What should I do that you did or that you didn't do?

I mean, I think if you're going to do the Red Light District, like, I find it funnier, like I said, to do like the fun, wild, like, circus shit than just, like, have sex with a hooker.

That would be, you know, if you're going to do the red light district.

I did not do a banana bar.

I feel like we took a canal, we took a boat, a canal boat to Burt's show.

Cool.

And that

was awesome.

It was very, it's one of those

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, those little low boats that are like flow to the water, you know?

And it had like a little

bar in it and like a little table.

You could sit on the outside if you wanted to.

You could sit on the inside.

It was too cold.

And we took like a very quiet, slow, it was just like,

yeah, like very slowly drifted through the canal to the

theater.

That was awesome.

If there's some sort of like sunset canal boat to the, to a restaurant on the water sort of thing, I would I would want to do that.

I would want to see a little bit.

Oh, and I didn't see any Van Gogh stuff.

I didn't realize that Van Gogh was like, that was his spot.

That was his spot.

I didn't know.

So he's like from Amsterdam?

I guess so.

I did go to the Van Gogh Museum, and I remember it being cool or nice.

Like they have all his like.

Oh, the ones you recognize.

Yeah, they're all.

If you see an art, there's two things you're going to see at art.

It's just walking along, like the Met, you know, or the MoMA and go, oh, I like this one.

Who made that?

Okay, I won't remember the name, but cool, I looked.

Right.

Or seeing paintings that you definitely recognize.

Starry night and shit starry night exactly the guy with the apple on his head you know the shit like oh this is that one that's the one and then it is cool to say i actually saw it alive yeah i went i i did go when on that trip i talked about before uh when i was younger and went to uh england i was like 12.

we went to the louvre we popped over to paris and i and i felt it was cool to see some of those things like real in the flesh so i i wish i had known about van go because that seems cool and i bet that there's some sort of like architecture

tour or like there there's not into it, you're not into that.

Every street, though, like I remember I came upon like a

courtyard almost that had like a huge fucking church and like

birds like flying around in like this little center area and like a roundabout.

And I was like, oh, this must be like the center of the city, right?

And then I go like two more blocks and there was like another one of those and another one of those and another one of those.

And like I was, every time I thought I had found like the Times Square of Amsterdam, if you will, I found like another one of those type of things.

So, I felt like there's a lot of

different like

squares, if you will, you know, did you feel your like European?

Could you feel Europe?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,

big time with that.

That's that's the one thing, like, uh, the cities, like all of like the townhouses are all like one after another.

They're all kind of leaning and falling because they're like 400 years old.

They're all right along this canal on a cobblestone street.

And it's like, this is old-time european small crunched city alleyways and i like a combination

they don't redo them so you really are walking on the same same footsteps that everybody else does just do depict in your head of like and frank getting let out of there or there's like during the occupation or even way before that it's like for sure you're like it's like takes you there it's also like 16 whatever i think it was like 1630.

yeah that's old that's what what 1630 like that was like a lot of the i think when the city was founded or like any a lot of the buildings had like plaques saying the 1600s.

That's fucking old.

That's old.

And you're like, this is pre-America.

Yeah, pre-America.

They're like, it was there, but nobody went.

I mean, New York was New Amsterdam at first, right?

So

you're thinking like,

I live in the city now.

Yeah.

That this was like, we're going to, we got to replicate.

you know, the old one over here.

Yeah.

There was some, you know, for as much as it's just like party and drugs and crazy shit, there definitely is like a

if I was not there on vacation, like, what would I do in a city?

You know what I thought?

All the museums are just like walk-in.

What?

Everything felt like just restaurants and shops and bars.

I was like, like if you worked in like a finance job, where do you fucking go?

There was no like high-rises.

There was no...

But not even like, I'm not looking for a skyscraper.

I was just looking for like, everything looked like a little building with like a little like tiny roof.

And it's like, do you have offices here?

Right.

All it seemed like was art shops and clothing shops and boutiques.

And I was like, is there any like industry here?

Is there any?

It's almost like tourist towns.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And maybe that's maybe the whole thing.

Maybe it's just like not Times Square.

I guess.

Yeah, but where does that work?

But I'm thinking, you know, if you go down to like Wall Street, there's like, these are where the banks are.

These are where the investment firms are.

Like, what is, where is that in Amsterdam?

It just looks like everyone's on bikes.

So they go to that terrace.

They're like, oh, this is the place where just really just locals live.

There's not much.

And I was like, oh, oh, let me stay there for a few days.

And I did.

And I'm like, oh, this is incredibly boring.

Because it's just like you go to work and you go home.

Very few anything.

Yeah, you want that experience.

Yeah.

Also, there's rubber duckies.

What?

There was

several rubber ducky stores.

Yeah.

And I'm saying like

shelves and rows of rubber duckies, big,

small, the yellow classic rubber ducky.

And I was like, are these like actually like bowls that you can smoke out of?

Is this some sort of like other thing i don't they are rubber rubber duckies that

i don't know i guess you just buy them and there's multiple ones in the canals i maybe maybe there's something with that

dude i love little things like this where you're like i don't know what the connection is and i i meant to go in and ask and i'm sitting and what is like that's the thing it was like this like it's not like gotta go to the coffee shops gotta go to the red light but it's like there's little noticings that like it's different than us we don't have rubber ducky stores several of them that that I was like,

and I wonder if that's actually considered very touristy.

Like, oh, you went to the fucking rubber duckies or if it's like Danny M store?

Yeah, yeah.

But, but I, I mean, there was, there had to be like hundreds on the shelves.

And I was like, are you guys like selling out a rubber duckies every moment that you need to have

tons of them?

And then I also have a ton of like candy and

like pastry shops because everyone's like stoned and got the fucking munchies.

So you walk into these like, you know, they do do candies, right?

So you scoop them into the bags and you make your own candy bags and shit like that that's also a touristy area

ice cream shops are everywhere and it's like not related to the country but just like they have tons of ice cream shops in the tourist parts of town people are on vacation they want ice cream ice cream they just want their ice cream what would you uh stay away from in new amsterdam in amsterdam in amsterdam in old amsterdam old new york

even old new york was once new amsterdam i'm trying to think of something i didn't really like

you didn't go to am frank i would stay away from am frank and frank sure i mean that's downer It's not a vacation.

Truly, if you're telling me that there's also like a wait to get in and all that, I would maybe it's awesome on the inside, but I can't imagine being like, that was worth the time.

Yeah, which is probably the worst thing I'd say.

But

it's a downer.

Why?

Because it's just like some Jewish shit.

My dad's a survivor.

It's just like you can't not go at least once.

I will not go again.

Did you feel away about it?

Yeah, it's sad.

You leave feeling sad.

Yeah.

That's the other thing, too.

It's like on a vacation though.

Life's not a fucking, you know,

all like peachy keen and like you should experience those things.

But also, it's like, I don't know, I'm here for a fucking 48 hours.

I don't really.

48 hours.

I'm trying to do the Holocaust, you know?

Yeah.

Was your dad like really moved

by the Anne Frank house?

I don't think he went.

Oh, I thought you said, oh, you just because your dad is a survivor.

I was obligated to go.

Yeah.

But I'll tell you, the second time I was there, It was the first time.

The second time I was there, I went back to that grilled cheese to get this grilled cheese.

And again, it might have changed.

I can't swear to this.

You know how a lot of restaurants, like, you got worse during COVID.

They slash the fucking ingredients and whatever.

So I've heard bad reports.

But someone also like, took like 30 minutes to get me a grilled cheese.

I'm like, oh, that meant they're making it.

Right.

They're trying.

Yeah.

So I got to go back.

But I went and I took too much time.

I was fucking fucked up on my phone, like checking whatever.

Wasted an hour.

Then I went there and it was closed.

And it was like, I think it's just a brunch place and closed like three.

And I'm there down these steps fucking going, God damn it.

I've been looking forward to this grilled cheese for so long for like weeks.

I'm like, I'm going back and I'm almost in tears.

And then other people are also in tears, but for a different reason.

And they're looking at me, I'm like, I know, right?

No, no grilled cheese.

I know.

Oh, man.

I know.

Like, they're taking it a little harder than me, but only slightly.

Everybody's got a fucking tissue for you because you're fucking grilled cheese.

That's hilarious, man.

What else would you avoid?

Maybe it's nothing.

I don't know.

No, I mean, yeah, I,

you know,

I feel like doing the red light district, like, I wouldn't do it solo.

I feel like that would be weird.

I feel like I feel like it's a place to go

with friends and do the crazy stuff.

That's a good tip.

Because if you're going to go, like, solo, I think there are better places for

solo to that.

Yeah.

And then in general, there maybe are probably better cities with better museums and architecture and stuff to see.

But I don't know.

I'm sure if I had more time to really explore like the architecture, the certain parts of town, the canals, all of that,

it can go toe-to-toe with any other European city.

So I would go more of that and I would probably avoid, you know, like,

I think it's incredibly lame to fly like around the world to fuck a hooker.

Right.

Like, why don't you just do that here?

You know?

I guess it's a little more accessible there, but I don't know.

If you really...

Every city you go to, you can do it.

It's going to break down to this.

You're going to go for the sights or you're going to go for the experience.

The scene, yeah.

Yeah, the scene.

So, like, Egypt, obviously, you're going to see the pyramids.

It's like, that's crazy not to.

But if you're going to Prague, you might see a sight or two, but like, oh, I heard it's a good party scene here.

New York, you don't have to see the Empire State Building if you're coming here.

Right.

Really sure if you want to cross it off your list, but I don't go there.

No.

You don't go there.

Yeah, it was.

Living in New York, like, I've still never gone to the Statue of Liberty.

Yeah.

You know, like, I never had gone up to the Empire State Building.

My father eventually worked at the building, so then I saw it.

But I never went as a

pizza barn.

You know, the pizza restaurants.

Yes.

Walk the streets.

yes that's the shit that's that's that is go to a jazz bar yeah which one it doesn't matter

fucking bounce in and out of bars and it seems like amsterdam while it has the sites could also be like oh i want to hang out like oh yeah but one of them is and you didn't talk about this at all like the coffee shops yeah so the the coffee shops what i loved about that and and i i was told this going in i'm not i don't smoke a lot of weed and the weed in america has gotten to the point where i take one hit and i'm like

yeah and i was told that the weed over in Amsterdam, while it's all legal and everything, they kind of stayed at that mid-level.

And I love that.

Yeah.

Because I was able to like pass a joint around and smoke it and get the feeling, but not be like, I need to go to fucking sleep right now.

Yeah.

Why is obliterated the state we're going into, even in a drug that wasn't legal before?

You know, it's like I don't want to get obliterated.

I want to have a good time.

And like, if you eat an edible, I want to like eat the edible.

I don't want to have to like nibble the coffee, the cookie.

I want to have a whole brownie.

I want to fucking enjoy it.

What was that period of time when we couldn't get booze here?

Prohibition.

Prohibition.

Yeah.

So imagine now you're overseas in France where there's no prohibition.

And they're like, oh, you can get alcohol here.

It's like, sweet.

Grab a bottle of jack and just start chugging.

Yeah, right.

What are you doing?

That's not the way to do it, man.

So yeah, the coffee shops went to Bulldog, which I think is like...

the very popular one, but I also think like the best one.

It's one of those examples of like, it's not maybe the hole in the wall, but it's also like the best.

I think it's franchised at this point all around the world.

Oh, really?

But

being able to get a beer and a joint is fucking awesome.

The ones I liked about the coffee shops where once I realized, okay, you can just get weed, it's fine, it's cool.

Yeah,

then it's like it became more like the bars of New York where like, what's a playlist?

So like, oh, this is a club club.

This is a fucking country bar.

This is

a classic R ⁇ B.

And it's like, oh, that's the vibe I'm looking for.

Totally.

And so I found a coffee shop that was like mellow music, like Mazzy Star, kind of like just chill.

And I sat there and I read.

And I'm like, oh, this is the environment I'm looking for.

That I could do more of.

So we were in a big group.

So it was very like, let's get a round of beers.

Let's light this joint up, pass it around.

I could see, get me in one of these coffee shops, get me some of these pancakes for breakfast, smoke a joint, read the paper, and just see chill.

I mean, that is probably what I would do.

Try to find a coffee shop that doesn't play reggae.

Yeah.

Don't be an obvious one.

There was a little bit of that.

We did have a moment.

We were at a bar to close the night, and they had been playing like techno music and pop music.

And it was a weird eclectic mix.

And then they played Bob Marley.

Then they played One Love and Everything's going to be all right.

And it was like everybody, it was to end the night kind of.

Everybody was perfectly like buzzed.

And it was, that was a good moment.

That was enjoyable.

He is great.

It's just like

it's a little too typical.

Totally.

You know what else is interesting?

And this saved me

being kind of coming out of retirement for partying and not really doing it as much.

I think weekends, they go to like four in the morning.

Weekdays, it's like 1:30.

Oh, really?

So, I was like, I had hit my limit, and Bert was peer pressuring me like a motherfucker to stay out.

And all of a sudden, like you're in the worst cliche American bar, semi-sonic closing time comes on, and the lights come on, and they're like, you got to get out.

And normally, it's like, I hate that.

It was like God was shining upon me to fucking let me go home that night.

But the coffee shops were

the perfect bar for like my age now.

Like I'm not going to like, I'm not dancing.

I don't want to buy a table at a club, but I do want to get a spot, eat some fries, drink a little, smoke a little,

relax.

Yeah.

You just called.

I just fucking missed him.

Ah.

Fuck.

Feidelberg,

we went to one of the places to buy mushrooms.

Yeah.

And they have those, like, the truffle fresh.

It's not the freeze-dried, you know.

What?

No.

How did it fail?

What are you, an idiot?

It just doesn't answer your fucking phone.

I just did it.

Come on.

Conniving little Jew.

You can't even open up a phone.

Damn it.

Oh, I want to get him on here because I want to hear.

Hey, there he is.

Brad.

I'm here with KFC.

Feidelberg got drunk at football and couldn't come.

Dude, this trip sounds so cool.

Oh,

it was awesome, Ari.

It was really awesome.

I mean, you know how much I love trying to hate you publicly, but this was

such a cool get-on-plane road.

When I explained the whole, you know, how it all unfolded and how you gave us 24 hours, I could see in his face that he wanted to be like, fuck Bert, but he was like, this is awesome.

This is incredible.

You know, it's so funny, Ari, I texted you

like a few months ago, and I said, Hey, would you be up to going to London for a couple of days?

And you were like, No, I can't.

I know.

I was just telling him, I've lost my level of complete freedom.

I'm about to go on the road for six weeks, and I'm like, I can't throw those last two days.

I can't do it, but it sucked.

I felt bad.

That's so crazy.

Meanwhile, Bert's been on the road for six weeks.

No returns six weeks.

I mean, whatever.

How fucking fun was Amsterdam with these guys, Brad?

It was a blast.

Top to bottom, like even the day before I celebrated Winston Churchill Day, so I had like a full day of drinking the day before.

And they woke me up at 9 a.m.

and they're like, you need to work out.

They're going to be here in 20 minutes.

And they rolled in cold beers right to the bulldog.

We had bulldog, big cold beers, joints.

I mean, Ari, our night, our night was so crazy.

Yeah.

Casinos, Chinese food dressed in red, gambling,

a banana room, a celebrity appearance at the end of the fucking night.

Like random as fuck.

Random as fuck.

A celebrity just comes out of nowhere and goes, I'll catch that dildo.

Who's the celebrity?

Kevin Lee Singer of Ramstein?

Kevin Connolly from Entourage E from Entourage.

Really?

Yep.

What?

How'd you leave that on?

I forgot.

I forgot.

It was wild.

He just shows up in the banana room and he's like, I'm like, we need someone to catch this flying dildo.

And he's like, I'll catch this dildo.

What?

He catches it, fucking throws it in his shirt.

And next thing you know,

he's in a fight at 10 a.m.

We're partying until fucking four in the morning with him at their bar down in the Red Lake District on the canal.

It was unbelievable, dude.

He rolled in and was like, I just wanted to say hi.

I'm just going to have a beer.

Next thing you know, he's catching a dildo and riding it out to like, yeah, I think he went straight to the airport.

Dude, you put on such a fucking party.

Dude, I was so

as soon as we got there, 9 a.m.

And I was like, I was thinking, oh, restaurant.

No.

We were at the the bar before I even could put my bags in my room.

Bert, I was happy to, like, I wasn't sure, you know, how hard you guys go and how much fun you have.

And I was like, we really got to fucking make sure we live up to the hype.

And like, and it sounds like you had a good time with us.

I was happy that we put on a good enough performance that you.

We had a great time with you.

The picture you posted next day of you passed out on the escalator of the moving sidewalk.

Yep.

Fucking head up rolling.

Yeah,

because you got to decide who am am I going to invite.

You invited these guys right there, fucking because they could have easily been like, no, I just want to walk around.

Like right there.

No, it was, dude.

We had my assistant from my movie was my tour, our tour guide.

So she took us to all the beautiful places.

They saw the city.

They went around.

They got the views.

We went all over Amsterdam.

And then we ended up...

I mean, we ended up in the Red Light District.

Naturally.

I mean, honestly,

having deep, like those, those moments moments that you have when you go the next morning when you wake up and you're hungover as fuck and you smile and you go, Coffee had a good night.

Yeah,

it was exactly what it was, man.

I have four of those fucking moments.

In that trip,

in that night, in that night, just that night, at the very end of the night, I had four moments where I was like, this can't get any fucking crazier.

And then E rolls in, fucking, I'll catch that deal, guys.

Dude, you know those in the back of the fucking plane magazines where they go, the chick from the office is perfect two days in London or whatever.

Mindy Kaling's, oh, that's also the office.

You know, straight two days.

But like the Burt Kreischer 48 Hours in Amsterdam, that's with Burt.

That should be the celebration.

I got invited by the machine to come to Amsterdam to party.

That is my two days.

Fucking bucket list shit right there.

It really was.

Yeah, each one of those.

And I got to give it up for

Kevin.

He was out.

He tried to pull the Iris goodbye at one point on the first night and was like, and I was like, no, you don't.

He caught me.

He was like, we are drinking all the beer in Amsterdam.

I was like, well, yes, sir.

Understood.

I'm staying.

Can't say no.

That's so great when you see somebody about to dip.

Like, what are you doing?

Yep.

Dude, it was, it was, I mean, eating bananas out of pussies,

fake fucking dildos.

It was the fucking craziest time you could have.

And you know what?

Amsterdam was perfect because there were so many different events in that day, including going into the saddest casino I've ever been in my entire life.

It was so bad.

Me winning $1,800.

Like, it was just fucking top-to-bottom amazing.

Well, we also forgot that we were partying on like a Wednesday.

So we walk into the casino, and it was just, I've never felt a place that had worse vibes.

It was like brown and

sad and quiet,

and they wouldn't let Bert in with his sweatpants.

And we almost just said, fuck it.

We're not going to go in at all.

But one of the rules of Chinese New Year is

you have to gamble.

You have to place a bet.

So we powered through.

I lost $1,000.

I put $1,000 on red.

Immediately, we lose.

And Feidelberg starts puking from the mushrooms.

He's a thousand.

He's $1,000 immediately.

If I lost $1,000, I would have shot up a ballroom dance contest.

It was like, it was just, the vibes were off.

And then all of a sudden, Bert hit and he won.

It was funny.

He was going, you know what?

The worst part is I don't even feel anything.

I I don't even get a rush from winning or losing.

I just feel nothing.

And then his bet hits and he goes, oh, I feel it.

I was lying.

I was lying to all you.

I feel it.

I feel it.

That's a good part.

It was awesome.

It was the perfect energy because the whole thing started on a lark.

Yep.

On like a genuine moment in a podcast where I was like, you guys will go if I called you.

And they're like, yes.

And so then immediately I was like, we have to do this.

And we planned it twice.

We were originally going to take him to Morocco.

And then that fell through because

I had to do something with my parents or something.

And then

this one came in per it just fit in perfect.

We had three days off in Amsterdam.

And I was like, and then they came to the show.

One of the, I mean, honestly, one of the funny shows.

Maddie Smith came out.

We flew Maddie out.

Maddie was like,

Maddie was like,

was like the cocaine sprinkled on the joint.

That woman is so much positive energy.

Yep.

Yep.

Oh, yeah.

She's like, this is great.

You're guys.

I mean, and the show top to bottom, Mark, Maddie, Shane, and you was unbelievable.

The amount of Shane and Mark were there?

Shane, Torres, Shane, Torres, Mark, and Mark Smalls.

Mark Smalls was great.

So Mark had a bit too many mushrooms early in the day.

So he disappeared.

Hold on, hold on.

That's the best moment of the whole business.

It really was.

It really was.

Low-key overdoses on mushrooms in the middle of the day, okay?

And then he just disappears, and they're like, we lost him.

We don't know where he is.

So we walk out of the banana room, all these guys, we're looking for, we're just looking for the next thing.

All of a sudden, we see all the girls were missing, and then Mark shows up out of fucking nowhere.

The reappearance.

We were taking a picture.

What?

You just found him?

We were taking a group picture, and all of a sudden, we got Mark.

I swear to God, it was like the resurrection of Christ.

Like, we were like, Mark has returned, he hath returned.

It was a very fun moment.

It was the girls who

have video of this.

I'm sure that

we'll put it up on a blog.

I'm sure we'll try to put it up on a vlog.

But it's, I mean, it's so fun.

It was so fucking fun.

I'll tell you what, right now, Bert, Feidelberg is in the hurt shop because we came home

the next night we did Louis C.K.

at the garden.

So he was drinking for that.

He went out yesterday for Sunday football.

We come into work today, and I was like, bro, I think you got to go to the hospital.

I mean, he is in, he is hurting.

It was all worth it, though, man.

It was the most organic thing that has ever come about.

And I thanked you a million times for it, but I can't thank you enough.

It was really incredible, man.

Dude.

No, it was awesome.

And hey, here's the beauty.

Bert, I am home from June till the end of October.

Please call me on 24 hours' notice.

Dude, Bert,

Bert,

you were talking about...

I was thinking about it, Bert, because you said how you think it could honestly be like a series.

I think if you called the show 24, I know you might have to have have trouble.

Yeah, just something with 24, where the whole idea is you got to go in 24 hours.

I really think there's something there, man.

It was such a good thing.

We're talking about it because, like, the first thought is like, what if I don't have underwear?

What if I don't have like clothes?

Like, the laundry needs to be done.

It's like, just get it there.

Just figure it out.

Any of your issues are really not issues.

Nope.

You can just go.

Yep.

No, they're not issues.

We sell a Feidelberg cape.

Yeah.

That's right.

Feidelberg had a cape.

I said we went to this Fabrika Abra place and he had a red cape on top of it.

It was sick.

Yeah, he looked awesome in those bell bottoms.

That was unbelievable.

It was top to bottom, unbeliever.

I'm jumping into a Google meeting right now.

I love you guys.

I'm in London.

Thanks, Bert.

Kevin, I'll see you.

I'll see you in the next meeting.

Love it, man.

I'll see you there.

Buddy, love you.

I'll talk to you.

Good luck on tour, buddy.

Have a blast.

Hex.

Hex.

I'll talk to you soon.

Yeah, the Kevin Connolly meeting.

Just go to google.com.

Who has to walk him through that?

Yeah, it was.

It's so much to remember.

It is.

And then we have someone else.

I'm forgetting fucking Kevin Connolly popping it, dude.

He caught the dildo and inexplicably just went like this.

And he puts it down his shirt.

What?

And then immediately he was like, Why did I do that?

Why did I do that?

It's a gross.

This is gross.

So I found it.

Fucking mile, man.

Yeah.

It was, it was, it was like an episode of Entourage.

It was like, you know, we're with the boys and then this happened and then that happened.

And so for someone who doesn't travel, it was like zero to 100, man.

It really was fucking sick.

It was, dude.

Get Bert to take you next.

Yeah, he invited, it was just like, I can't.

So, we, so obviously, you know, how can you return the favor, right?

It's like, Bert,

it doesn't work the other way, right?

Yeah.

So, we said, What if we just show up at one of his places?

And say, We're going out.

Yeah.

You know, Bert.

And you do it at like Shreveport.

You know what I mean?

Like, it's not some glorious place, and all of a sudden you're on set.

And if he's like, no, no, you can't.

I got to do this.

Like, you don't have to.

24 hours.

I'll give you 24 hours.

You know, get your shit together and then meet you at the dive bar in fucking, you know, Omaha or whatever the fuck you do.

Just see Aziz's Mark Twain speech for Chappelle.

Take these mushrooms.

I go, no, I can't.

I have this.

He goes, do you want to say this is the night you did not do mushrooms?

You should save Chappelle?

I mean, all right.

That was exactly.

A lot of people said to me when he extended the invite, he kind of did it like a challenge.

Like you have 24 hours to reply.

And people were like, are you going to go?

I was like, am I going to?

Yeah, that was your poet.

It was like, I have to.

I'm going to fuck it.

Burke calls you, says, let's go.

And you know what?

God was shining down upon me because he did it on a Monday.

And that is usually like I have my kids on the weekend and then usually Monday, Tuesday is when I'm off.

And so it was like

the stars aligned.

I'm going.

It was absolutely unreal.

Dude,

me and Bert used to talk about this.

We were on the Joker's Cruise a long time ago,

2017 maybe.

And we were like, how cool would it be to drug a comic?

He said this.

He said this.

But not for the party to put him out and leave them somewhere.

Leave him like on an island in Cambodia.

Yeah.

And it's like, we're on tour, like drop him off on this tour, like we're on a cruise, and now you're just on an island.

And you wait his ID, you give him a few dollars to get by, and then it's like, how do you do it?

You're on your way home.

Because we waited out and we were like,

the joy, if nothing goes crazy wrong in your life, like it was like, my brother's wedding was tomorrow.

I missed that.

As long as that doesn't happen, the adventure to get home and to do all the things would be irreplaceable in life.

You realize how, like, even, so I didn't even think twice about my phone or my credit card.

Like I got there and my phone wasn't working because I didn't

right.

And I, and I, and I was trying to get money at the casino and it wasn't working.

And it was kind of like, yeah, like, I don't know.

I mean, I ended up just like calling these places and figuring it out.

But there's something fun about like, if you're, if you really, if you didn't have your, your shit, you didn't know where you were,

live like, you know, live like they did a couple hundred years ago, figure it the fuck out.

Use your ID and $100.

Go ahead, get home.

Or don't, or don't.

Get, you know, get wherever.

Start a life there.

I don't know.

Right, right, right.

Get your new one.

You will eventually.

But what an adventure.

I have to learn a language and then be able to find a consulate.

You wake up on a fucking island with a note.

I think Bert said this.

It would be a note like, hey, this is Bert and Ari.

We did it.

Drugged you.

We've taken all your stuff.

Don't fear.

You're in no danger.

You're in a pretty safe country.

Right.

Safe enough.

Yeah, don't go to the city.

Don't go to Guatemala City, but any of the other sounds are great.

And then just like, talk to him when you get back.

So what if Bert were to call you or someone were to do this with you, what city would you hope it would be?

With Bert and me, I hope it's somewhere exotic, not Europe.

I hope it's Asia or Morocco.

What is Morocco like?

Like Morocco is like tropical or it's like warm, but I don't know for sure.

It's the coast of Africa?

It's in here.

It's like, yeah, Topsy.

Oh, okay.

I thought it was like on the other side of Africa.

There's Algiers.

That's Morocco, right?

So that's almost more like Mediterranean-ish.

But like northern Africa.

But Africa.

So it's not.

I thought it was like on the eastern or the western side of Africa.

So I thought it was like Borneo.

If he was like, we're going to Borneo tomorrow, Papua New Guinea, or fucking.

I've never been to Laos.

What do you consider the most exotic place you've been?

Either Myanmar, which is down here, Rangoon, yeah, or

East Timor.

Have you ever been to Newark?

New Jersey.

It's probably one of those.

Crazy.

There's so many fucking places to go.

It's wild.

Have you done like Fiji?

Have you done like those?

Fiji, the other one.

Maldives?

No.

Maybe it's Fiji.

It's

a thing for it.

It's...

Have you done Dubai?

No, I just turned down gigs in Dubai.

Really?

I feel like that's...

I would, I like that.

It feels like you want to go.

Well, it's turned into like this, you know, influencer fucking whatever, but I also feel like they, it's, it's like a very man-made.

Yeah, that's why I'm not interested.

There's no culture.

But yeah, there's no culture that I'm interested in, but I also think that they probably built it right, and there's a lot of cool shit.

It's Vegas.

yeah, yeah, it's a country of Vegas.

They're gonna party, whatever.

Yes, they have

the island that looks like a palm tree ownership.

Tahiti.

I went there for New Year's a couple years ago.

Yeah, I'd like to do, um, I'd like to get back to the Amafi Coast.

That was fucking unbelievable.

Amafi Coast, you know, just went there, Santino.

You got to talk to him about it.

Oh,

I did.

So I did Santorini.

I'm going to ask everybody, where do you want to go next?

I did Santorini,

Positano,

Capri,

and I would honestly go back to any of those, uh, but yeah, that like the Mediterranean to me is unbelievable, whether it's Greece, Italy, whatever.

I that was so fucking incredible that that was like where I was like, all right, I get that, I got I understand traveling now.

It was a time where I was kind of like, what's the difference?

It's all about people, it's all about your experience, whether you do it here, you do it there, who cares?

And it's like, no, if you do, if you have the right people and you're doing it overlooking like these fucking beautiful landscapes and seascapes and stuff, it's like, no, that's not it's also

newness combined with vacation combined.

So it's like, oh, let's go nut.

Let's eat nice things.

And also like, whoa, where are we?

Yeah.

You know what I thought was interesting?

And as a more well-versed traveler, maybe you can speak to it.

I thought customs was like a thing to worry about.

Here, here or there.

Both.

I thought

we didn't bring anything either direction, but if we wanted to, we absolutely could have.

Especially coming home.

I was thinking like, oh, coming home from a place like Amsterdam, they're going to like check.

It was like,

wow.

Cape of God.

This is the exact kind of like travel, like

noticing, whatever the word, observation that I'm looking for.

Where it's like,

you're not going to remember this in two years.

No.

But when I was packing, I was like, I had like

one of those like pill cases that has like a couple Advil and a couple of modium.

And I was like, I think they would have gone through it.

I thought so, too.

I was like, because these are just stray pills.

And after the fact, I was like, oh my God, God, I shouldn't have packed that.

What do I do?

And they were just like, they don't care.

That's what I know about China.

China, they didn't or did it.

It's not punishable by death.

Right.

And then they don't check you.

I guess they're like, you're going to take that risk?

Yeah.

I think they're not going to take that risk.

So it's just, yeah, well, I mean, also.

I finished all my edibles on the plane, threw out the rest on the plane.

Right.

And then I was like, not even a dog.

You did nothing.

I mean, not even, like, they didn't even put it through a machine.

I don't care.

I was like, whatever.

But, you know, I had visions of like us getting detained for, you know, oh,

I left a fucking edible in my pocket or whatever.

I'm going to get Brittany Grinard.

Even if I did, I don't think anybody fucking.

I smoked on the way back from Amsterdam, like while I was waiting for the cab.

I was smoking outside.

So it's cold.

So it's like, you know, smoke sticks to me more when it's cold, cigarettes or otherwise.

And

I got in the plane and the captain was like, hey, dude.

And this was

seven, 10 years ago.

And he goes, oh, hey, they're all going to check you.

You can't smuggle weed back.

And I'm like, I'm not going to.

And then we drove another two minutes.

And he was like, hey, dude, I'm not joking.

You're going to get in a lot of trouble.

And I'm like, I'm going to see something.

Amsterdam.

And I'm like, oh no, dude, it's just

got it.

I mean, maybe, you know, I guess it's like if they do decide, or if they put it through the x-ray and they see something,

you're fucked.

But I just, I was kind of like, oh boy, what happens now?

And nothing.

Nothing happens now.

I mean, it's like driving drunk.

You'll probably get away with it.

Yeah, right.

But the deterrence, you know,

we were going into Amsterdam and Maddie was ahead of me talking, the guy who said the fat one, he was like behind the glass checking the passports.

But then three like

Dutch soldiers, I guess, came walking at me and they just were like, we needed to get by, you know?

But there was this moment where the three of them were looking at me and walking at me.

And I had nothing on me, but I was just like, what's going to happen now?

What's going to happen now?

And they were just like, excuse me, sir.

And I was like, right this way.

I literally, I'm not sure.

I think that's how black people feel every day.

All the time.

Every single day of their life.

Because everybody knows.

Okay, no, but we're good.

Sounds about right.

Yeah, you ever have a cop pulled next to you when you're driving?

You're like, shit,

I don't have any drugs.

I'm driving the speed limit.

I'm rested.

Totally.

But still, you're nervous.

Every time.

Every fucking time.

And then, yeah, they don't even shoot us.

They don't know.

So on Malfi Coast, you'd go back to.

Totally, but go back there.

Where else?

Where have you never been that you'd like to go?

You don't have to hold to this, but what's on your mind?

I

would like,

I would like to go to Australia.

And what used to deter me was the

distance.

But I've decided

if and when I start doing more of this stuff, I'm just going to pay the money for first class.

I mean, Australia might be a little bit too much, but to me, I hate the plane and I hate the crampness and it almost makes you ruin it for me.

So I'm just going to fucking pony up the extra money.

I went to Australia first class once.

what does that cost 25 000 that's i was gonna say that's a bit too much if you tell me that like you know the flight is two grand but first class is ten grand i'm lucky enough that i can just say 100 more i'll do it you know yeah but 25 is a bit much but also the flip side is like 20 fucking four hours on like a non-first class flight is like put a bullet on my head dude on the way back to it was a rogan ufc ticket i didn't pay for it rogan didn't pay for it okay it's a free companion first class ticket and then they expanded so much they're like well we didn't expect this

to who's your friend?

Right.

Literally, Dana White comes up to me at the event, I think, in Australia.

It was like, Hey, do you know how much your ticket costs?

Yeah, you better bring some fucking value

with you.

If you send me back there, you don't think I could have used $12,000?

Desperately, dude, desperately, yeah, cash value, please.

I don't know, man.

But when you show up, and everyone's like this, a customer's like,

and you're just like, dude, brutal.

I'm good to go.

Yeah, what's going on?

I think, so one way or another, I'd like to get there.

I kind of want to go like

in like this area.

Like, I don't even know what this is.

India kind of place?

Like, more like,

what's like here?

Yeah.

Is there anything like there, like, any islands that are like...

Oh, you know what's around here, I think?

The fucking islands you can't go to because they'll just spear you.

Kill you.

Yeah.

Like, they don't let any people.

Yeah.

Something I tried once and then they're like, nah.

Oh, no, here, right here.

Madagascar.

I could fuck around with Madagascar.

That would be cool.

I could do that.

That would be cool.

Maybe see a little bit more of South America.

And when I say more, I mean any because I've never been there.

I can give you some tips about South America.

Yeah, I bet you.

You could.

The stupidest moment of my life.

Yeah.

I was writing a blog back in the day about,

I think it was when

SARS was hopping.

Ironically, it was about pandemics and shit.

And

I opened up a map and my joke or my thought process was, how about every time you fly to like Africa or whatever, if you have some place where there's disease, you have to stop at a place before you come back to America?

And I open up a map and I didn't realize that it was capitals listed.

And it said Hamilton, which is the capital of Bermuda.

Okay.

And I go, what the fuck is Hamilton Island?

Just off the coast of America in the middle of the Atlantic?

How have I never heard of Hamilton Island?

And I'm like writing this blog, being like, has anybody ever been to Hamilton Island?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Going on and on about it, realizing it's just fucking

like you goddamn.

Everyone's saying the same thing.

You're such a fucking idiot.

Oh, and I would like to see the Northern Lights.

I want to go up to Alaska.

You know what you got to do that?

We'll wrap it up now.

But for that, to really get it, you got to go for like a week to make sure you like and like get one of those huts that like you're underground with a bubble.

Uh-huh.

Yep.

And all you're doing there is going for the Northern Lights.

Because my friends who live in Iceland, they're like, oh, I see it three times a year.

Yeah.

But off my back porch.

Right.

But it's like, you got to get lucky.

Right.

So you got to be able to go and you got to do a more cloudy time.

Right, right, right, right.

So I would like to try to go see that.

I would love to see see the Northern Lords.

Like, if I don't see it, I would hope that there's still enough that I'd be like, this was still cool.

But that is one thing I do think I want to see.

If I'm 88, I'm on my deathbed, you know, and I'm like, whatever.

And like, what do you regret?

I would regret way more not seeing the Northern Lights than not having kids.

Like, a small part of me would be like, what if I had had children?

But I want to see those things in the sky.

Oh, and you know what?

I feel like seeing like Yellowstone or like the nicest part of America.

I think it would be weird to be in America and never have seen like the beauty part of America, just like the city, the shitty cities of America.

So those are the 6th and 17th.

Yeah.

KFC, you can watch him every week on KFC Radio.

KFC Radio and One Minute Man on Instagram.

Oh, yeah, those are fun.

Yeah.

Check out his Instagram.

What is it?

KFC Radio?

KFC Barstall.

KFC Barstool.

And he just does like topical stuff.

I don't know how you talk.

You know the Micro Machines guy?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, you talk about his videos.

I've been practicing.

I'm just really trying to create it.

And he only has a minute, so he's really got to get a minute 30 in there.

I appreciate that you noticed that.

Thank you.

But it's not like,

you're not skipping words.

You're saying everyone, I get it.

But it's, damn, it's tight.

And you're like, and that's my minute.

Come on.

And you're like, it's cutting on that.

Thank you.

I'm happy to hear that.

Yeah, it does not go unnoticed.

Thanks for doing it.

And I'm glad you finally went somewhere cool.

Yeah, man.

And keep that up.

Keep that up and try new places.

For sure.

Thank you, man.

Sick.

Well, that's the episode, everybody.

I hope you had a good time.

I know I enjoyed that.

What a wild trip.

You know, you can say what you want about Bert.

You can say whatever you want he's a fat piece of shit he's a bad father he he blows stories out of proportion he looks to be to victimhood

he's he's like a laughable man in his friend group he's made a lot of money letting his friend laugh at him

he's absentee he's an alcoholic he's

he's fat he's he's a braggart

bad dresser bald underrated bald his where he always wears a hat

He values money over substance.

But whatever you want to say about him, he does know how to have a good time.

And what a fun trip that seemed like it was.

God,

he's living his life right.

For such a fat, bald, bad father, bad alcoholic, fucking laughable through his friend group, braggadocious liar, values money over a friendship person.

He does have a good fucking time.

Thank you, KFC, for coming in.

Everybody, make sure to check out his podcast.

I'm on there all the time.

Probably been on there five different times, six different times.

Check that out.

Called KFC Radio.

A lot of funny comments on there, constantly.

And he also does the

Answer the Internet series.

It's always really good.

I do have some bad news for you.

I do have some bad news for you about Amsterdam.

I've been back.

Since we recorded this podcast, I've been back.

And unfortunately,

maybe you heard it in my double negative special from Austin, Texas, before we moved there.

Talk about the

grilled cheese place.

It's right next to the Ant Frank house.

And I went back.

The last time I was there,

it was closed.

It was closed at 3 p.m.

It's a brunch spot.

And I was crying outside the Ant Frank house, literally crying as other people were coming by, crying for different reasons.

And they were like, it's sad, right?

I'm like, it is sad to come all this way to the Netherlands and not to get here in time because I was on my phone phone too much.

I was on my phone too much and I missed the fucking window to get that grilled cheese sandwich.

But this time I was not going to make that mistake and I went by there

and I got the grilled cheese and it wasn't good.

I heard reports on this from my brother and I said, no, that's just going to be complaining Jews.

Come to find out

the restaurant's under new ownership and new management and it's just one type of cheese with store-bought bread on a Foreman grill.

It's dead, everybody.

I had a time, and it was gone.

I'll never be back.

I'll never be able to recreate that great of grilled cheese.

I'm telling you, it was three different kinds of cheese, a freshly just grilled tomato on there.

It was just amazing.

It was amazing.

But it's gone.

There's a time and place, and that time and place is over now.

That time is over.

That place is still there.

But the time is over.

So I urge you all to make your own paths.

make your own paths figure it out for yourself

yeah

I don't know what to tell you next week

by the way to make sure to check out my tour schedule it's in Australia starting May 17th in Melbourne May 18th is sold out Adelaide May 24th Canberra May 25th

Nick Capper is going to be joining me for Adelaide Melbourne and Canberra and then Brisbane May 31st and Sydney, June 1st.

All tickets are ari shaftir.com.

We will also find, starting next week, pre-sale for the shroomfest shirts.

Shroom Fest this year is July, I think, 21st, 22nd, 23rd.

It's at 21st, whatever that Saturday, Sunday, Monday is.

If you want to participate, if you don't know anything about Shroom Fest, just go take shrooms.

Officially, because of YouTube standards, I'm not talking about any sort of psychedelic shrooms.

I'm just talking about mushrooms.

They're delicious.

Make sure to get some non-poisonous guys.

Make sure to take shrooms.

And eat them.

Shroom Fest.

You know what I'm talking about.

Shroom Fest shirts will be available for pre-sale next week, as will,

hopefully, the Patreon.

Starting the Patreon.

Here's what I'm going to do in it.

I hope you guys are going to enjoy it.

I'll be on next week.

I'm the guest next week talking about China.

A fun, fun, fun trip to Shanghai, Beijing.

I'm going to leave out out Hong Kong because it will be free someday soon.

This video will now not be shown in China because I said that.

First what we're going to do is, what I want to do is everybody gets stickers.

You'll be tripping stickers with a stamp.

And I want you to put those stickers up in odd places and then take pictures of it and send it in and tell me where they were.

I'm going to do that.

I'm going to have a lot of fucking fun with it.

It's going to be more about fun, less about money.

I want you to write in your travel stories yourself.

Call in.

We're going to have a stav-style call-in thing.

Someone will go through and I can hear them on air.

I want you to send in postcards

that I can read

on the Patreon.

I'll give you a place to mail it in on the Patreon.

From wherever you will go.

See some weird stamps.

To mail in some dollar bills, money from everywhere.

Drew it up.

And that's it.

I'm going to do plogs, picture blogs, places I've been.

I'm going to do audience

write-ins.

I've got all sorts of stuff.

But the Patreon is coming next week, so

I'll tell you about it next week.

And that's it, I think.

Today's episode is produced by Your Mom's House Network.

Done very well.

It is edited by

who edited this one?

Chris Larson?

No.

Is it Alan?

If it's Alan, he's just an editor.

If it's Chris Larson, he's raised money for

communist causes all over third world countries.

He's been a part of trying to overthrow those governments and put in communist regimes in multiple areas.

He's gotten a lot of servicemen and a lot of danger.

And that's Chris Larson's fault, but he believes in something, and that's important.

Alan, however, has no last name, and he is an editor

that's it everybody that's it hope you had a good time I

yeah till next week with China

no I know this I know this I know it I know in

Amsterdam

no that's thank you fucking shit well keep tripping everybody I'll see you next week subscribe also wherever you are wherever you're listening and watching we almost got to 50,000 subscribers on YouTube go subscribe right now get me to 50k

Bye.